#he makes me uncomfortable i’m sorry
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hhhhhhhhhhhhhh why am i constantly being reduced to just ‘lesbian’ by this guy and not even in a good way. like in a mean girls negative way.
#he makes me uncomfortable i’m sorry#like#today he was constantly looming over me while i was working on something#to the point of where i could FEEL HIS BREATH on my neck and invading my personal space#my friend had to tell him to essentially piss off#the whole ‘lesbian’ thing started out as a funny joke!#no. not anymore#especially when you try to call me a dyke by ‘misspelling it’ as ‘duke’#you’re not fucking clever#delete later :/#i don’t even wanna go to school tomorrow because i know it’ll be this whole thing ahain#what’s worse is that this is a gay guy. you’d think he’d understand that constantly being reduced to who you’re attracted to isn’t fucking#fun. 😐😐😐#he reminds me of an ex friend of mine
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*clasps your shoulders gently and looks you straight in the eye*
Keferon. Please read Ninth by Kyn on AO3. I think you would love it very much. It has a large chapter count, but don't be intimidated, it's very easy to get into. It is currently unfinished, but is being updated regularly.
You are the seventh person that recommended this fic to me so ahahahaha yeah
I’m doing great Help I hate some parts of it but I love the other parts I’m spinning in the blender
…..I made the moodboard….
#chapter 37#of 120 or something#I must be like 90k words in haha#large word count is not an intimidation. It’s an invitation haha#I love the fics that I can’t read in just one hour:)#I gotta say I don’t enjoy the concept of making robots into organic life#it’s just my preference#seeing them as humans or animals or whatever feels so fucking wrong#the concept itself drives me off#like. Strongly#But at the same time. This fic isn’t about them being ‘haha cute organics’#it’s ‘oh god. I was turned into something I’m not’#instead of teeheee they’re fluffy#it’s please free me from this fucking nightmare. please let me be myself again.#idk how to explain. I resonate I guess#it often feels very disturbing but the characters are also disturbed#So now I’m kind of stuck reading this fic because I just can’t stop lol#just politely skipping the parts that make me too uncomfortable#also#the body horror is….damn. Impressive. I didn’t expect to read about grotesque fleshy creature turning itself inside out#it’s not even aesthetic or symbolic#it literally looks like a fucking nightmare. Which is impressive also.#the flesh is g r o s s#the beginning got me struggling and skipping#but the intermission is currently ruining my sleep schedule#oh fuck….I usually send my posts to the authors of the fics I read…..but I feel like I might offend the author of Ninth if do this……..#there’s a tiny chance they’re following me….if it’s true then I wanna tell I’m sorry pls don’t take this seriously#your fic got me waay out of my comfort zone#huge points for writing Ratchet. Drift in this fic is…the grossest fucking thing I could probably imagine but Ratchet doesn’t even hesitate#he helps him and he cares for him. Which is…..imma be real my first instinct would be to set Drift on fire to end his misery
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headcanon: dick actually prefers wearing baggy clothes in public and is way more comfortable in them because nobody comments on his body when he’s not in form-fitting outfits
and it sucks because he actually really enjoys wearing form-fitting outfits and feels good in them, but any time he does people stare or catcall or even grope him and he just. can’t handle that after everything
plus the villains kissing him as nightwing thing has gotten so bad that he’s genuinely considering getting a mask that covers the lower half of his face
#i have a lot of feelings about him okay#dick grayson#dc comics#nightwing#dc stop having characters sexually harass nightwing challenge#these are not fun hcs#moreso ‘how i think these things would affect him’#dick not even feeling comfortable wearing skinny jeans in public.#dc i am coming for you#cuz the amount of times that he’s harassed and objectified etc is ridiculous!!#and it would definitely affect him!!!!#he’s shown to be visually uncomfortable with it! multiple times!#and is also canonically a SA/rape survivor!!#dc writers i will find you.#cw sa mention#when in costume around people he is constantly on edge#except his family and friends ofc#but even in a mask and armor he feels less safe than he would in a hoodie and sweats#anywayyyyy#yeah i cant stop thinking about him again#the Grayson writers specifically i will hunt down and kill one by one#in my head this started with me thinking about amab nonbinary dick grayson#and then i was like#yeah cuz he’s woman coded so it makes sense which brought me to WHY he’s women coded#(because he’s just as sexualized and objectified as them)#i’ve literally never seen any other male character treated this way. just dick grayson#ok sorry i’m rambling
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tumblr algorithm stop feeding me takes that this show is just a silly goofy comedy that shouldn’t include death or that Izzy is the token disabled elder queer on the show where an actual disabled elder queer is literally the romantic lead or that Lucius and Pete being called “mateys” is diluting their gayness because it’s not “husbands” or that it’s sexist that Zheng lost her fleet and later prioritized her love for a man or that Ed is Izzy’s abuser because we conveniently forgot all of season 1 or that trauma is never followed through with because sometimes actions are used instead of words or that Ed learned nothing because the inn was apparently a whim as if he hasn’t been obsessing over retirement from day 1 I swear did we even watch the same show?? I literally feel like I’m in backwards land?
I have a really novel concept for y’all complaining about character’s arcs not being fully resolved or healed and that’s called there is supposed to be another season of this show
I also have another really novel concept as to why every single character did not have a one on one trauma apology session and so much time was spent on Ed and Stede and that is because this is literally the Ed and Stede show and also sometimes parallels are meant to be inferred and extrapolated because that is what efficient storytelling does instead of spoonfeeding you
And my most novel concept of all as to why some beloved characters had less screen time is because Max is a massive jerk and cut the budget
Y’all this wasn’t personal and maybe this show was never about Izzy maybe the show called our flag means death is actually about death maybe sad does not equal homophobic letdown maybe the brown gay character introduced as the love interest from day 1 gets to outlive the angry white guy that had a redemption arc after actively bullying and trying to break up every gay couple for a season I don’t know what to tell you just can you please let non-white people have this arc for once without assuming it’s an attack on you I’m BEGGING y’all
#I’m sorry for overusing y’all I grew up country lmao#anyway. critical thinking when#I didn’t want to make more posts about this I’m just tired and seeing people denounce the show as homophobic#for killing the subtextually gay internalized homophobia character#in favor of the canonically gay brown protagonist#makes me feel more and more uncomfortable the more I see it#WHY do you defend him over the actual gay people esp. poc gay people like make it make sense#be sad he died I have a million posts about that but this strawmanning is getting concerning#bc what does this mean of your ability to recognize real homophobia#it’s not about you!!! and if you think his death means something about you PLEASE unpack that#I had a lovely night with friends and am not sober lol so if I seem salty that’s why I’m sorry for being a broken record#this is not anti-Izzy this is anti-baffling takes on Izzy#I’m sorry we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled kiss gif programming soon I don’t like these posts either#I just can’t resist a good hill#ofmd#ofmd season 2#ofmd spoilers#ofmd s2 spoilers#fandom crit#our flag means death
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really wish my one friend would quit flirting with me. and trying to goad me into hanging out more. and assigning us fictional characters that are oh-so-coincidently either couples or with romantic tension. and then interrupting our gameplay to ask me repeatedly if I think they’re “like us” (which they rarely are…). and matching my icon on discord without asking (again, usually by insinuating a couple connection). and giving me random things I do not want and did not ask to receive (and then forcing me to take them???).
#storyrambles#it’s not creepy. just for context. it’s just irritating because I’ve told this person repeatedly that I’m not interested in romance.#this person is also naturally a huge romantic so it is next to impossible to tell whether it’s actual flirtation or just flirting for fun#flirting for fun is cool. I wouldn’t mind that. but if I do it once this person will take that as an invitation to do it an excessive amoun#but yeah after being given 12 roses out of the blue when I said ‘no don’t buy me flowers’. there’s only so many things that can mean#‘it’s nice to see your face you always cover it!’ …I’m masking. because of covid#I’m narrating a game and suddenly ‘I like hearing your voice I should call you every day so I can hear it for 10 minutes’. …no.#‘you have to take the snack I brought you know it’s rude to refuse a gift’ I have never refused a gift. It is rude. But also I didn’t ask.#‘you know this game is one you can play without talking so we can play more often!’ we already play games once a week for usually 3 hours.#‘but it’s not talking so it’s less social energy’ no. that is not how it works.#sorry for the rant im just. tired.#you know those people who are so pleasant to hang out with and then they try way too hard#and that’s actually what makes things awkward? rather than when they’re just being themselves?#yeah. that’s this friend here.#usually I go along with the bit but when I can never tell when the bit is actually a bit#and you insist on me taking on the ‘girl role’ for most of them#I am not going to play along.#UGH don’t get me started on the ‘you’re cute when you’re flustered’#I wasn’t even flustered. I was trying to do mental math while running on four hours of sleep and he was staring directly at me#it’s uncomfortable.#also. I never want to hear that again. fuck. ‘you’re cute when you’re angry’ ‘you’re cute when you’re upset’ ALL THE FUCKING TIME AS A KID#will I be so cute after I kick you in the nuts? will I?#(for clarity I don’t want to kick him. I want to kick those other people.)#I need a lot of alone time. I really do. I can do 3 hours and then I will be drained for the rest of the day.#‘how did you grow up? did you not talk to your mom for more than 3 hours a day?’#first of all. that’s different?#secondly we actually regularly do separate things without talking to each other. or go in separate rooms to take some time to ourselves#also I don’t have to be on high alert for if I’m going to be flirted with. so.#ugh. I like him as a friend. I really do. I know this all makes it seem like the opposite. I try so hard to be as nice as possible.#but UGHHHHHH
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it is literally not about legality, if you’re in your late 30s literally what are you hitting up 21 y/os for. Don’t you have investments to make.
#Astonishing number of people will jump on the ‘but it’s technically legal!’ defence#But will not answer my question of whyyyyyy. If your date sounds like PTA night and you need to parent your girlfriend#you have an age gap! And! You are the lamest loser on earth; that is fact; hope this helps!!#(Okay. Lowkey? I shouldn’t be thinking about this STILL. Given it’s been like a MONTH since#But I feel a lil let down and betrayed and I think I’m still kinda processing that… but I#I confided in my bestestest friend that an older man was creeping on me. And I expected her to have my back 100%#And idk— I think she’s just had worse experiences with men and has a higher tolerance to bad behaviour than I an asexual person do#But her response was along the lines of ‘you’re an adult; there’s no problem with it really;#can’t blame him for shooting his shot; it’s not really a weird age gap’#And worst of all— ‘maybe he just has an age kink; maybe he gets off on you being younger’#I have to say. I don’t care. The point is that I discouraged it several times and was getting increasingly uncomfortable with it#I feel like in that situation the thing to do is side with me especially when I’m telling you all this.#And like. Sigh i don’t know. I still love her with all my heart but it’s feeling a lil awkward rn#I’m still thinking about that and obviously I don’t want it to ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had#But it’s feeling a little forced right now. I expected her to have my back and for some reason her brushing this aside did make me#Feel completely invalidated and like I should just stop feeling weirded out and man up and discourage this man in words—#When the thing is there was NEVER any hint of interest. I don’t feel like I should have to dignify his behaviour in terms of interest or#Attraction. Because! I just don’t think you should be that forward with strangers repeatedly!! and if I think that’s weird then I’m sorry i#It won’t work with me! I don’t like it! I think that’s grounds enough to stop oh my god.#I’ll be seeing my bestie in a couple of weeks. Flying all the way out to England for her. I don’t want this to be awkward…#but something in me is just a lil heartbroken. Like I feel the girlcode was broken. We’ve always told each other#Not to let men affect our self worth or alter our boundaries. I feel like that was violated.#(ik she said that bc her bf at the time was 30 but like. Listen to my individual situation no? This one wasn’t about you I came for advice)#Rant
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the day the neos stop making comments and “jokes” abt hyuck and his weight + skin colour is the day i will have peace
#someone told me one time that this was controversial#and like yeah i don’t know the neos and i don’t know what their relationship is like#but at the same time it just feels weird to constantly make ‘jokes’ about it???#and the only person never laughing is hyuck i feel like that says a lot#i feel like he gets visibly uncomfortable abt it too?#again i don’t know him but i don’t think the forced smile is something he’d do if he thought it was funny#especially when ur mentioning his weight from years ago??? and poking fun at it like it’s some fond memory???#i don’t know sorry for rambling i’m just upset#「 talks 」
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I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.
#I’m sorry#but I just want to be normal#Yeah yeah yeah I know internalized acephobia and all that#but idk#being ace has genuinely never resulted in a single good thing for me#very very hard not to hate it when it only ever makes life more difficult for you#idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like#I still hate it and would give almost anything to not be this way#I want to be lovable#I want to be able to be in a normal healthy romantic relationship#instead of being terrified of them and sabotaging everything because the person will want to have sex#And the thought of having sex with anyone is literally panic inducing#Anyways#please ignore me#im just being emo and sad#Because I have such an intense crush on someone right now#And I can’t pursue it because I’m ace and he’d want things from me and I’m just. I just can’t#I can’t even talk about being ace to people because no one gets it and it makes me soo uncomfortable to have to talk about it or explain it#so yeah he’s so nice and I really really really like him. But like every other of the few times I’ve been romantically attracted to someone#I’m not gonna act on it because I’m fucking ace and I’m gonna be alone my whole fucking life#Because no one would ever want to be with me given the way I am#God#sorry please just ignore me#Personal
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funny that all the people in my family who walk around in their “kill your local pedophile” and “shoot a rapist” shirts constantly say and do things that perpetuate rape culture
#They don’t give a fuck about the actual problem n shouldn’t be wearing that#They have these male savior complexes and think wearing those shirts makes them good people#but these r the same bitches that DEFENDED someone who molested me and said it was normal n that I was over reacting#Same people who preach about modesty to women and say they’re “uncomfortable” with teen/preteen girls in short shorts bc they can’t not loo#and it makes them feel bad#Like stfu#I’m gonna go fucking crazy one day if I keep having to hear this shit it’s so upsetting#My sister told me I have to just stop taking them serious but I can’t bc my 10 yr old brother is hearing this shit n internalizing it#my older brother heard this shit n that’s why he’s the way he is#they’re teaching this bs to kids so I have to take it serious and argue against them or the kids there won’t know any better#sorry for the rant but I’m so pissed off over this#screaming
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Yours - Feral Raphie AU
“Leonardo, I want to see him.”
“I know, I know, but we’re trying to keep him from being overwhelmed and I don’t-”
“If it is possible that I can be of assistance in returning his memories, then shouldn’t I have a chance to try?”
“Mona…” Leonardo trails off and Mona paces on the rooftop of the warehouse where she’d taken refuge when their conversation got heated. She wants to see her boyfriend. It had been several weeks since his rescue, and she had every right to visit her Raphael.
Yet Leonardo was stubborn, and it didn’t sit right to invade the turtle brothers’ home without their sensei’s permission. It was one of the very few times in her life that she found a strong dislike for an aspect of her warrior’s conditioning.
“I should warn you that I am on the verge of coming over there myself if I do not get some form of consent soon.” No, she was not, and she would never. A moment of quiet, muffled voices, and then-
“How far are you?”
Her heart lurches. “Mutanimal’s.”
“Alright.” He sounds pensive, and her grip on the t-phone Donatello had graciously given her tightens. “You can come over, just don’t hurry and… Mona, he’s not going to be your Raph.”
She swallows, but her voice is firm. “I am on my way.”
“See you in a bit.”
She hangs up, and sprints to Slash to warn him of where she’s going, promising to let him know when she leaves the turtle’s home. With his authority backing her up, she stops by her resting area, and then she’s off.
“Mona!” Raphael’s cheery little brother greets her as she crosses from the tracks to the turnstiles, apparently on guard for her arrival. Her eyes scan for her boyfriend even as she announces, “Greetings. Leonardo said I can come over. Where is he?”
“Leo?” Mikey studies the box in her arms. “Getting stuff ready. What’s that? Gift for Raph?”
She meets his eyes, offering a sheepish smile. “…Something like that.”
She opens the lid covered in holes, and Mikey’s eyes widen. “CHOMPY!”
He scoops up the little alien as Chompy squeals his delight, nuzzling the tiny face against his beak. “Aw, I missed you so much, lil’ guy! Have you been having fun with mama Mona?”
She sets the box on the turnstile next to them, uncertain how to respond to such a nickname, but allowing it to slide because Raph never denied his “dada Raph” title. She chalks it up to yet another strange human thing.
“You never mentioned Chompy.”
She glances over at Leonardo as he approaches, meeting his gaze evenly. “You said that he responds negatively to humans and mutants because of their intimating factor, but did not immediately try to inflict harm upon your Icecream pet. It seems unlikely that he would attack beings that he does not find intimidating, and this youngling is the least intimidating alien in many galaxies.”
She pauses in consideration and corrects, “For now.”
He stares at her, and then shakes his head with a light chuckle. “Good to see you too, Mona.”
She smiles and shakes the hand not offered for battle. “Likewise, Leonardo. Can we see him?”
He nods, and she notices how tired he looks, normally confident stance more subdued. She will never admit how worried it makes her. “Come on. He’s in the dojo.”
Mikey hops off the turnstile, cooing to the alien turtle happily viewing his home from his place cupped in two hands. Mona crosses into the lair, following the turtles to the dojo, heart racing with anticipation. Leo stops at the dojo entrance, and with a tone full of forced cheer, calls out, “Donnie! We have a friend here to see us.”
There is an abnormal amount of emphasis on friend, and an uneasy feeling creeps on her. Leonardo enters the dojo, and Mikey steps back, politely waiting for her to step past before following. Or perhaps he’s simply making sure that the stronger warriors go first in case something goes wrong. She glances at Chompy, something akin to regret settling, and then steps into the dojo.
The room is just as majestic as the last time she stood in it’s walls, the large tree presiding over the room like a guardian, but this time, there is a pile of blankets and pillows underneath the family alter. A low growl draws her attention to the white eyes glaring from underneath one of the larger blankets.
Leonardo stiffens, but Donatello appears unfazed. He leans his weight against him, effectively using him to balance as his legs stretch out, a laptop resting on his lap. He reaches to the left to gently bonk his head with his fist. A sharp hiss, and Donnie rolls his eyes, “Leo said our friend, Raph. As in, not a threat.”
A moment of pause, and then a low growl. Donnie huffs, resuming his typing. “This is why you don’t have any friends.”
Leonardo looks at his younger brother wryly. “Donnie.”
“Hmm?”
“We have a guest.”
“Mhmm.”
“Someone none of us have seen in weeks.”
“Mhmm.”
Leo gives up. “So say hi.”
“Oh.” Donatello looks up and meets her gaze, offering a polite smile. “Hi, Mona.”
He goes back to typing and Leonardo throws up his hands as if he’s a hopeless case. Mona takes a few steps closer, and Raph’s growls resume. She pauses in consideration. “Raphael?”
White eyes glare back at her. The growl increases in volume.
Mona tilts her head curiously, trying to find any true aggression or fear, but only spotting impudence. He is putting on a show in the hopes of scaring her off.
Cute.
She can sense Leonardo shift nervously. “I wouldn’t get to close.”
“Duly noted.” Mona knows exactly how to deal with unruly, territorial earth animals. Raphael himself had felt it necessary to teach her. “Donatello, could you move aside?”
Donatello looks up, blinks twice, and then looks at Leonardo.
Leo frowns, “I don’t think-“
“Donatello, move aside.”
Donatello gets up, and Raphael releases a sharp hiss that sends him quickly stepping backwards, lest he be punished for his betrayal. Once she feels there is a sufficient amount of distance, she purposefully strides over to her boyfriend, pulling the blanket off.
Apparently startled by her audacity, he scrambles back on all fours, raising his haunches and baring his teeth. He looks uncertain, like he can’t decide if she’s a danger. He’s not wearing his gear, and he appears younger without it, fiery emerald gaze no longer framed by the reflective red.
She kneels down, and waits for it to register that she is no longer at a threatening height. He takes a wary step closer, clearly having little idea of what to make of her, sniffing in her general direction. She reaches out, and he snaps at her fingers.
Her eyes narrow. Leo starts to speak, but she cuts him off with a curt, “Raphael, if you attempt to bite me again, I will not hesitate to bite back.”
He blinks. She glares. Raph sits down.
“WHAT?!”
Mona ignores the chorused cry and gently cups both sides of his face, brushing a thumb over one of the scars. He stares back at her, eyes squinted the way they always did when he was thinking hard, and she can’t help the small smile, “I have missed you, Raphael.”
A soft, curious chirp, and she hums, “There’s someone else here who has missed you too.”
He looks passed her, scanning the area on alert as Mikey walks up. Before any of them can react, Chompy lets loose a high-pitch squeal and launches himself from Mikey’s palms, hitting the floor and skidding just in front of Raph. He continues to chirp his joy as Raph lowers himself to the ground so they’re face to face, studying the alien with dialated eyes.
He pokes the spikey shell. Chompy churrs and nuzzles against his beak, and Raph’s expression brightens, sitting up and scooping the small form into his palms. He presents Chompy to Mona as if to share his discovery, and she chuckles, “That is Chompy Picasso. He is yours.”
As if to confirm, Chompy nips his hand. Raph yelps and tears his hands away, and Mona catches the happily squeaking turt before he hits the ground. Raph leans his hands on the floor, watching him rest his plastron on her fingers, little feet swinging in the air as he pants estatically. Raph’s eyes are round with the innocence and awe that Mona had fallen in love with, and she can’t help it if she closes the distance between them to press a kiss on his forehead.
He looks at her as she pulls away, and she is relieved that he doesn’t seem upset. Her eyes soften, a warmth flowing through her chest at the timid way he’s looking at her, like he thinks he should understand, but can’t. She shifts Chompy into one hand, and takes his hand in her own. “It is alright. No matter what form you come in, you are my Raphael, and I would relieve those nights of worry a hundred times over, as long as it means you always come back to me.”
She thinks something sparks in his gaze, but she can’t tell what. His voice is tentative, “Yours?”
“Always.” She swears with every inch of her being, squeezing his hand. He squeezes back, and leans forward to lovingly bump her face with his own. She would have gladly stayed in that movement forever, but she hadn’t taken one thing into account.
“AWWEEEE- ay!”
Ah yes. Their audience.
Raph pulls away and looks past her to glare at his siblings, and she can’t help the grin. He was definitely still her Raphael. Mona sets Chompy on the ground and he begins prancing between them, churring like one of the older earth vehicles.
Leonardo is flushing as he moves his hand from Mikey’s head to rub the back of his own. “Sorry.”
“If you wouldn’t mind, I trust it’s safe enough for me to request some privacy now.” Mona hints as Chompy begins trying to climb Raphael.
Leo and Mikey look like they’re going to refuse- possibly for entirely different reasons- and Donnie tucks the laptop under his arm, pushing both brothers out by their carapaces. “Don’t leave him alone and Mikey will bring food by later!”
“I will?” Mikey questions as they disappear from sight.
She looks back at Raphael, and watches him set Chompy on his shoulder, an action done more out of instinct than anything else. Her eyes dart between his face and Chompy’s for a moment, before she quietly questions, “Raphael, do you know who I am?”
He gets halfway through a nod before he looks uncertain, staring past her for a second. His mouth opens and closes, nails unconscious digging into the carpet beneath them, forehead creasing as an anxious expression crosses his features.
“Raphael.” She interrupts firmly, drawing his attention back to her. He looks guilty, shrinking his head into his shell with a sad chirp, before shrugging weakly.
“My earth name is Mona Lisa. You named me.” She informs him carefully, scanning for any signs of recognition. He appears mildly interested, and she takes his hand, thinking back to when they first met. She squeezes, and he scoots closer.
“Let me tell you a story.”
#feral raphie au#boy knows things but he doesn’t know things#I did me some subtle romance#anything more than subtle makes me uncomfortable#TUMBLR HATES HOW MANY WORDS ARE IN THIS 🤣#INSPIRATION HIT HARD AND IT’S VALENTINES DAY#I COULDN’T JUST NOT#never written for Mona before#Hope I did her decent??#I’M SORRY I TRIED#tmnt 2k12#tmnt 2012#raph 2012#tmnt raph 2012#raphael 2012#2k12 tmnt#tmnt leo 2012#leo 2012#2012 leo#2012 tmnt#tmnt donnie 2012#2012 donnie#donnie 2012#tmnt donatello 2012#2012 michelangelo#tmnt mikey 2012#mikey 2012#michelangelo 2012#raph x mona lisa#teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012
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Wrote out a big long phone call rant to have with my mother later because as much as I hate it she is my closest irl spiritual confidant 👍 here’s hoping her response to ‘hey I’ve been spiritually depressed and disconnected for like 8 months and for some reason these last two weeks advocating for Palestine has me feeling alive and burning with divine passion and love in a way I’ve never felt before in my life’ isn’t like. ‘Talk to your psyche abt your meds hun’
#ra speaks#personal#religion#oh god these tags got out of hand. look away I’m rambly today.#outing myself as deeply spiritual and devout on main oops#‘aren’t you gay and trans and -‘ listen Israel the person received that name after literally wrestling with gd in the desert#I’m allowed to put my faith leaders in a spiritual headlock for past and present crimes while I live my joyful life#maybe a physical headlock too. I’m down to body slam some wueerphobic racist pos who claim to be faithful while never exercising such faith#also lmao of the idea of a queer leftist being deeply spiritual makes you uncomfortable…bro everything about me makes ppl uncomfortable#I’m bi gender I consider myself a trans gay man and a nonbinary dyke at the same time. I’m disabled and ugly and autistic. im not palatable#accept the inherent apparent contradictory nature of the varied human experience and move on.#sorry thought about that post complaining abt observant jews being excluded from the conversations about queer jews like#you don’t have to get it. you don’t have to think it’s real! but it’s real to me! it’s important to me!#so are you gonna be my transphobic uncle and call me sick and deluded the same way he talks about trans people?#or are you gonna keep your mouth shut accept that you don’t have to understand someone to respect them and move on with your life.#anyways uh. here’s hoping I don’t lose my voice or start crying like I did while typing the script up.#vocational woes
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wowwy wawawa. was worried about seeing a new psychiatrist, but any doc that gives me a month of ativan is okay in my book.
so anyway, I got that and also starting something called remeron after the weekend is over (going out of town for my brother’s 2 day chess tournament and don’t want to deal with side effects during it). Let’s be hopeful.
#I’m just saying I’m more used to drs not wanting to prescribe harder antianxieties but this dude was nice#plus I’d been a patient there before + recent ER trips and yadda yadda yadda it’s not like I DON’T need any#sorry that first paragraph came off as very ‘hehe I got drugs to abuse’#but really I’ll end up being very frugal with them and hopefully they’ll help with some of this irrational anxiety.#I’m happy for the help#I was very worried walking into his office. very severe. more than one bible lying around. uncomfortable seating.#but he ended up being pretty knowledgeable. we talked about prescriptions I’d tried before. he worked with my concerns.#new med is supposed to also help with anxiety and probably make me sleepier. which I kinda want maybe. I haven’t slept well lately.#and then I have regular ol therapy on Monday. so. we’re gettin at it. mentally. yup.#also like I mentioned. brother has a chess tournament this weekend#maybe you’ve followed me long enough to remember I took him last year. and the year before. and the year before.#I almost wasn’t going to go with him this year but now I am and I’m psyched#I mean. it’s not a super exciting event. I just sit around all day while he plays. but I like it. I like being there for him.#what was I saying? I dunno. this is too many tags. blegh blegh blegh.#you can ignore this#text
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me rn 😔 or ig like half an hour ago..
#sat down frank had me helping take a camera apart#this is like my second time touching a more professional camera since his actual class mind u#like three people had to help me with ratcheting the sticks off 😭😭 and he was like Do u remember how we did it yesterday#and like yes but i think i’d need to sit w these for like twenty minutes alone to just get used to it. and also yesterday crucially it was#kind of fucked up and the ad had to help me with an actual. not screwdriver idk the tool i don’t fucking know#NOT to be like waaahhhh i can’t do it. i’m just so uncomfortable with it rn. and then we had to change the lens 😭😭😭😭#i’ve changed lenses before but i was already so frazzled i couldn’t even get it lined up right#he was like dude the white dots just line those up. king im trying i swear 😭 i just wasn’t letting it drop enough ig. um#then just to make me feel like i knew something he was like And where do we put the lens cap? one of three places#😔 sorryyyyyyyy#and like it’s fine i recognize i’m very um fresh and realistically it was fine and the ad was trying to mess around w me#while i was doing it to lighten the mood but i was so . again just whatever.’i took everything they said very literally#and then i couldn’t even tear his gaff tape on the first try. he was like Abby this is so easy. IM SORRY#to be fair to me i’ve used the shittiest cheapest tape my whole career i could tear that however#this shit was Tough. i got it the second he showed me how. small wins
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when he writes you an entire letter to provide closure (the closure is vaguely mentioning that he messed up a little in the middle of three pages just accusing you of being a manipulative lovebomber): 😨
#Sorry I just needed to rant a little because HELLO ??? WHAT THE FUCK????#Who the fuck does he think he is? It’s so poorly written too#I would excuse it if it was hand written—but this was TYPED AND PRINTED OUT#Not to mention he quite literally blames me for everything. Blames me for making him “loose his ability to be kind”#And for making him “never love again”#I’m sorry? If you think that I changed in a bad way? Because if you do you definitely need help#For the first time in MONTHS I felt confident without worrying about what he’d say about what I was wearing or how I looked#And how uncomfortable it made me every damn time#And I’m not even going to get into the endless amount of harassment and pressure to do the things he wanted to do because it’s gross#Cuz I’m not fully ready to face all that just yet. I’m literally still getting over spoken things and implications#Back to my point—subconsciously I started associating happiness with that feeling I had in the summer rather than with him#I grew as a person. I realized how fucked everything all was. If he can’t see that he might be right about being too far to fix himself#In conclusion: fuck Eloise and fuck his bullshit letter and fuck everything he did to me#S.K thinks#Vent#again….sorry
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can i just say something slightly controversial
#you know that clip from chris’ sexiest man alive photoshoot#where he’s making eye contact with the camera whilst sitting on a lounge chair or whatever ???#i don’t find that hot#i find it unsettling and weird#i also don’t like his lack of beard#like he’s not clean shaven and he doesn’t have a full beard either it’s weird#but anyways back to the weird elongated eye contact#it’s fuckin weird to me I’m sorry#i didn’t understand why everyone was going gaga over that I’m sorry#to me it’s like bro stop looking at me you’re making me uncomfortable#and you look creepy sisjsjajaj#SORRY sixjwsisia#anyways
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With all the new Anakin and Ahsoka posts I’m seeing, I’m also seeing more and more Obi-wan post and ig here’s my hot take of the day: fandom has absolutely made me hate Obi-wan. I honestly didn’t think much of him in the movies but the more I interact with fandom, and the prequels fandom in specific, the more I hate fanon interpretation of him which leaks into the canon portrayal and it’s gotten to the point where any time i even see his name I’m scoffing out loud and rolling my eyes
#idk how to fully describe it but I saw a post recently that was about anakin’s idolization of obi-wan and it gave me such an uncomfortable#feeling I had to close the app cause yeah maybe it’s been a while since I’ve seen anything past tpm but I never once got that impression#like ik this is very much a me problem but people need to calm tf down about obi-wan#like he’s really not that great of a character sorry not sorry#anything that makes him compelling is in the eu and eu isn’t canon#for fandoms as large as Star Wars is I hold to the general rule (that I bend at my discretion) that if it’s not stated in canon ie#the movies then it isn’t real and in the movies obi-wan is kind of a shit character#not whatever weird mix of messiah/poor mew mew fandom has turned him into#generally obi-wan in the fanon works I’ve interacted with is treated as like#the main character and everything that anakin does/feels/is gets so that it’s all about obi-wan and how it effect’s him#and I don’t know how to filter it so I’m still seeing all the anakin-focused prequel fic I want without him having to share the narrative
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