#I gotta say I don’t enjoy the concept of making robots into organic life

[keferon]

*clasps your shoulders gently and looks you straight in the eye*

Keferon. Please read Ninth by Kyn on AO3. I think you would love it very much. It has a large chapter count, but don't be intimidated, it's very easy to get into. It is currently unfinished, but is being updated regularly.

You are the seventh person that recommended this fic to me so ahahahaha yeah

I’m doing great Help I hate some parts of it but I love the other parts I’m spinning in the blender

…..I made the moodboard….

[ziracona]

hey zira, what are your hot takes on all of the fo4 companions?

Haha, I don’t know how hot they are, but I can give you a speed run! (Also I am very excited to get this. FO4 was the first open world game I ever played and just the concept of that and the hugeness of the world and branching story & sudden feeling changes towards me in companion characters totally blew my mind, & it still lives rent free in my heart).

Ada, Old Longfellow, and Strong I /still/ haven’t maxed despite having too many hundred hours to want to list on this game—the former bc they were DLC, Strong because honest to god I left him at a nice settlement and then completely forgot about him and remembering that I am the energy in this Ryan O’Flanagan video but abt leaving my super mutant in a tiny settlement alone. I will get there! To max affinity I mean. But anyway, I don’t truly know those three, so my takes are incomplete. So far though, I really like Ada. She is a good girl just trying her best. Fucks me up I can tell her to self destruct. Even though I feel sure she would ignore me, I cannot imagine ever saying that to her. It was really sweet she was willing to forgive the Mechanist and move on with her life. A good girl. Longfellow I am maxing rn (was last time I played anyhow). I enjoy him. Gruff grumpy old man but he seems quite decent and I like his idle banter and when he sings to himself a lot. Seems like he’s had it rough. Strong I liked. He’s wild, and I loved how insane meeting him was, and am worried about him eventually understanding poetry and how that might mess up his sense of world understanding. But he’s a chill dude in his own way and I am glad they gave us at least one nice super mutant.

For the companions I actually do know like the back of my hand, the speedrun:

Nick Valentine: Best man on earth. One of two fictional characters I ever called husband. I would die kill or live for him. I want to be 1/4th the man Nick Valentine is. One of the best characters ever period and I adore literally everything about him. It fucked me up early in game where right after he offered to basically risk destroying his mind to help a stranger look for her son, he asked me how I was doing. First character in the entire game to do that. His first companion dialogue is abt how you’re doing TuT. The man is very kind and forgiving and fair, but knows when the draw the line and take no shit. Emotionally mature, kind, caring, longsuffering. Incredibly damaged and broken by life, but holding on and living kindly and to help others anyway. One of the four most marryablen fictional men I’ve ever seen.

Preston Garvey: Brave, kind, sweet man. I would defend him with my life. He really just wants so bad to make the world better and life has been so hard, but he’s still trying. A beautiful and underrated companion and I would throw hands for him on sight. I adore how he whistles. A true and gentle and loyal friend. Take him to Quincy and let him get his justice it’s what he deserves. People who hate him because he tries to get help helping civilians in that game are weak. I love him so much... please give him enough time to reach max affinity he’s so worth it.

Deacon: *To the tune of You Are My Dad* You are my friiiiend! You’re my friend! (Boogie woogie woogie). Initially, he pissed me off bc he lies all the god damn time, but after we got close enough he actually trusted me, he stole my heart and I would also die for Deacon. He’s a really good person who thinks he’s shit because of who he was on his past. Also him 🤝 Preston: massive survivor’s guilt. They should be friends. Poor Deacon has been the last member of the Railroad like four times, and it’s awful. Help him. Give him love and support. He’s one of my all time faves. Also, Railroad hands down best faction and if you kill them for any reason other than like a walkthrough route video and I ever get the chance I would 100% clock you in the face as hard as I can, like going for losing teeth, and feel no guilt. I know it’s a game and that’s wrong, and I’d be wrong, but I’d still do it. Also, Ryan Alosio (his VA) saw me do cosplay for Deacon once and told me it was great and it filled me with even more love. Anyway Deacon is great. Also, his whole “There are other organisations out there. And, in time, I'm sure they're going to spoon-feed you their own patented form of bullshit. Ignore the verbage and look at what they're doing. What they're asking you to do. What sort of world they'd have you build and how they're going to pay for it.” Is one of the like, two most iconic quotes in all of FO4 & just super good in general.

Hancock: Hardcore badass man but also a good dude and a champion for the people. Man really puts his money where his mouth is and you gotta respect that; another favorite companion for sure. Big fan of the way he stabs a guy for you upon meeting, and is a cool leader who organized his crime and does a decent job actually leading. He works hard to help people and bites back hard. Social justice advocate, dangerous man about town, not afraid to cosplay a revolutionary war hero 24/7 & u gotta respect the no fucks given attitude. A chill dude. Like that he fights the institute, hates the Brotherhood, helps the Railroad, and is friends with Nick. He’s legit af. Also, his VA gives a different answer every time someone asks him about the voice he did for hancock and they’re funny af.

Piper Wright: A cool spunky lady. Lois Lane on the case, kicking butt, and taking name. She’s nice but also hardcore and smart, supportive, fun. A good person. You always get points if you like Nick (which most companions do), and they’re good friends. She’s funny and I love her. A good heart.

Codsworth: He’s great. He’s family. He’s like my...weird brother. Getting to max affinity is heartwarming and also makes my heart go :’-] . Great early-game companion bc he kicks ass and doesn’t need stims to heal. I love getting called by my name and think that was a great feature (well, my PC’s name). He’s a wonderful funky little robot dude and I am so glad he likes me.

Dogmeat: Amazing. A good boy. Doggo of the year. His actor deserved the game award she won. Cute, full of love, and plays with a teddy bear if you give him one. 100/10z

Cait: I like her a lot. She’s been through so much shit, and it makes sense she is how she is. I like they actually gave her an emaciated and messy (though still pretty) design, since she is a drug addict. And that they make her main quest about taking that seriously and wanting to get help, and that she’ll call out the player if they fuck around and do drugs in front of her after she gets rehabilitated. Her relationship to the PC if good is really sweet, and I am a fan. I like that while she’s not sympathetic to synths and thinks they aren’t people, she forgets that every time Nick walks into a room and is like “Oh hey Nicky : )”. She’s a good girl who has been through a lot and still needs time to heal and find herself, but she’s making great strides.

Robert Joseph MacCready: Human disaster (loving). Homeboy a goddamn /mess/ but I love him. He tries so hard to be cool. I love he makes you pay him to come with, then chickens out and gives it back lol. A fool ball of anxiety and bad decisions and what he thinks brovado is. I wish he, Preston, and Deacon would quit fighting, bc I am always like “ :’-] </3 Boys Please” when they swap out, but I love them just the same. He’s doing his best, he’s just stupid and a fool. Like Philip J Fry. Keeping his goddamn soldier toy, which somehow is listed as junk instead of sent to Misc with quest items where it would be fine, safe?parylizes me with fear. I’ve lost 2 hours of gameplay reloading an old save bc I accidentally lost it.

X6-88: A more complex one to answer about. He’s bad, but like, I’m pretty sympathetic to how he got that way. He was created in a lab and had his emotions mostly dragged out of him in intense psychologically damaging training so he would be a weapon and view himself as an object. I was relieved he chose me over the institute even if he wasn’t a fan of the chocie, and think that means there’s a lot of hope for him. Wish he’d chill the fuck out and quit intimidating civilians for 6 god damn seconds, but I like him. I bring him fancy lad snack cakes home from travels all the time, bc Synths are supposed to like them. Really like that he’s the /most/ sympathetic companion towards Danse in Blind Betrayal, even though he should not be programmed for that, and Danse hated him and made it clear any time they interacted.

(EDIT) Curie: I FORGOT HER BABY IM SO SORRY. I like Curie a lot, despite the fact I temporarily forgot she existed. I stg I thought she was in here. Uhhh, okay. Curie: like her character and personality, HUGE un-fan of both the way her desire to get a synth body is to be ‘more real,’ as if Codsworth isn’t a fully realized person while the same robot type she is, instead of just like. Because it would make her happy. ALSO hate how much of a Born Sexy Yesterday she is, even intentionally in not-determinate affinity talks. It’s gross. But her herself, I like a lot. She’s my daughter and I will protect her. She works at The Castle right now as their on-site medic.

Paladin Danse: I know I’m gonna take heat for this but honestly? He didn’t do much for me. I like that he looks and sounds kinda like Buzz Lightyear, and that’s fun, but idk at all why people think he’s so hot. He’s very boring & generic looking to me. Like you’re valid! Taste all be different. But he doesn’t do it for me personally in looks or personality. I don’t at all like, hate him. Or even dislike. Tbh I am fairly neutral on him. It was funny making affinity with him though. Every other companion I had maxed, I liked more and more with each affinity talk. They’d be like “So my dad was a minuteman and died and I want to honor him” or “I just want to really feel like I’m a person, for real, myself, and I am glad I met you, because the good we have achieved together is ours, even if I can’t be sure of anything else,” or “My brother threw the cultural minorities out of our city for clout bc the rich citizens were all racist, and I tried to help—I snuck them food to the unsafe ruins they set up in for weeks, but eventually, they just vanished, and I still bear immense guilt and self-hatred over not having stopped that.” And Danae’s would be like “One time a buddy of mine got kidnapped by super mutants. They turned him into one of them, and they’re all abominations, so I killed him and it made me really sad.” And I was just like “...Oh danse. I really wanted to like you more. But what the fuck.” His relationship to Haylen is sweet though. And ofc I saved him in Blind Betrayal. I blew up the Prydwin so he’s safe now too, and he lives in the garden by my house and tells me how glad he is we’re friends, and I’m p into that. Overall, my feelings on him are not strong at all though.

Porter Gage: Not a fan. Like, I appreciated he helped me kill the old boss, sure. And bc I owed him for that, I went to max affinity to see what there was to him as a person. And like, as far as raiders go, he was okay. But he wasn’t deeply sympathetic, and he’s a slaver, and if you try to liberate the slaves he and the others own, he /will/ turn on and attempt to murder you immediately, no matter how close you were, so he made his choice, and it was to be a bad person and an asshole to the last. Really enjoyed the VA’s work a lot on him tho.

And there you have it 👈👈😎. Thanks for asking!

[crispclown]

kurogiri hcs

i just have a lot of kurogiri thoughts....

- in canon mostly because i really like the theory that he's an ex-ua student who used to be friendly with aizawa and yamada before his quirk pretty much failed him during a battle and instilled the thought of "never let someone chase an unachievable dream" in aizawa afterwards. he was in a vulnerable position during that time and afo, who seems to watch the ua tournaments and realized kurogiri's quirk had the potential to be incredibly useful to his organization, swooped in similar to how it was with shigaraki and with careful manipulation pretty much became in kurogiri's eyes his savior who helped him realize how horrible the hero society is and gave him a second chance at redemption via villainy. because of this he feels a strong sense of debt towards afo 

- since he hasnt seen what an ass afo is yet he'd do almost anything afo would ask of him without question.

- to add onto the above of being an ex-ua student thats also one of the reasons he constantly has his mist on. i personally believe he does have a normal human form underneath going off how 1-a pinned him down during the ua rescue center scene. having his mist contantly at the ready helps be more prepared for all the sudden unexpected situations villains can fall into as well as disguise him from both media attention and anyone who might recognize him (old friends-) given the fact he's considered legally dead.

- the only people aware of his well. origin story is afo and some of his trusted higher ups who assisted in readjusting kurogiri to their group and pushing him to further his quirk abilities to do what he can do now

- kurogiri never really thought of telling shigiraki about since to him that backstory doesn't matter as much as helping him grow as afo's heir and as kurogiri's adopted son

- the reason kurogiri got into bartending was because when he first joined and he and afo were trying to figure out when he;d fit best kurogiri just sort of realize afo tends to drink A Lot. with all his quirks, its hard for afo to be killed by more normal means like alcohol poisoning and some of them had the side effect of needing a Shit Ton before afo could really get drunk

- so kurogiri just ended up helping fix afo's drinks and over time it morphed into learning how to bartend

- his loyalty to afo s pretty much the only reason kurogiri originally started taking care of shigaraki. afo knew how loyal and steadfast to him and took advantage of it to give him the job of raising/babysitting shigaraki. tbh i don't think kurogiri was fond of shigaraki since the beginning and probably acted more like a butler/robotic towards him at first before the unrelenting Parental Instincts tm kicked in one day after almost a year of looking after him and suddenly realized "oh fuck this is my son"

- during the year of lowkey awkward parenting he was internally having a crisis since in my mind he never really ever thought of having kids during his time as a hero in training so suddenly having the responsibilty of looking after one you know nothing about and is already pretty grown vs wanting to please afo who trusted him enough with the task made him p conflicted during the time

- thankfully(?) afo was the most active in shigarakis life during the beginning years so kurogiri didn't have to have his crisis while being a single dad as well. as shigaraki got older afo just started to withdraw more when he thought shigaraki and kurogiri were getting along well enough and weren't about to fight/betray him any time soon

- if the lov ever decided to break their assosiation with afo, kurogiri would likely still go with lov to make sure shigaraki and crew stay safe and that none of them get too hurt. despite that, he'd still retain quiet loyalty to afo due to his blind faith in him and would probably keep him updated if asked, thinking of it as a "father knows best situation"

- for the lov to be able to have his Total Loyalty, really the only person who could sway him would be shigaraki himself. as much as he feels like he has a debt to afo, shigaraki has pretty much become his own son in kurogiri's eyes (which he likely wouldnt outright admit-) and anything he'd tell him about afo would pretty much be the only stories kurogiri couldn't bring himself to cast doubt onto

- honestly in general shigiraki is pretty much the only one besides afo that he's willing to listen and consider anything he says. everyone else he might listen to but internally there's a possibility hes not really listening depending on the topic. like above, sometimes he thinks he just knows better though he is willing to admit whenever he's wrong

- mild projecting but besides shigaraki his favorite that he won't outright say is his favorite is toga. besides yknow the murdering which tbh doesn;t really bother him, he pretty much sees her as a a+ daughter and is just "lmao your lost" at her family. the only thing he doesn't like about her is when she goes out of her way to aggravate shigaraki or when she starts killing people suddenly and it throws off lov's plan

- he takes great pride in looking nice and presentable and while he might be willing to wear more casual clothes in his rare free time, he refuses to wear clothes like those free tshirts you get at events or his pjs outside his room.

- lowkey passive agressive about s o m e people not wearing socks t o m u r a. or not wearing long enough pants like arent your fucking ankles cold?

- kurogiri does also enjoy being a gentleman to go along with his professional aesthetic since like. just cause youre a villain doesnt mean you gotta be a dick yknow? too many heroes do that anyways (@ endeavor then perish)

- can swear but unable to around children 

- (shigaraki once heard him say fuck when he thought he was alone and its haunted them both ever since. neither of them talk about it)

- he's a villain so like. he doesnt feel bad about killing people or watching them get killed. he was literally willing to murder 13, all might, and 1-a and only didn't because renforments arrived. during their first meeting with toga and dabi, his concern was less about shigaraki killing someone but the concept of shigaraki killing someone who could be useful to their cause. if shigaraki had weighed the options and told kurogiri "yeah im gonna kill them theyre useless", kurogiri wouldnt have seen anything wrong with not stepping in again when shigaraki does so. 

- the only people he would feel bad for killing would be very young children since they remind him too much of how shigaraki used to be. parents of said children have a 50/50 chance depending on how they act

- kurogiri does try to let shigaraki be a grownup tm since hes like. 21 and make his own decisions but he really does have a habit of babying him since hes seen all the stupid shit hes done and said since he was like 5-6 and it all flashes in front of his eys sometimes

- for all the members who Can drink legally hes memorized their usual drinks by now. some of them (magne, twice, spinner-) probably use this to look cooler to recruits but everyone else Knows

- purposely says things like “the pokemens" in front of the younger members to set their fight or flight reflexes off

- video games are basically the only thing he really keeps up to date with pop culture wise tbh. whenever someone pulls him into playing one with them, he just acts like an old man who doesnt understand how to use controllers and lets them win to be nice. if he wanted he Could Destroy Them

- kurogiri doesn't dad anyone who doesn't want a dad figure showing up. he'll still do things like make sure they're being as safe as a villain can be and act as a mediator but otherwise they won't get much witness much dading unless its directed towards someone else

[nomadicism]

Some Thoughts about the Fast & Furious cartoon series...

I was recently reminded by @bbtree about the upcoming Fast & Furious series by DreamWorks for Netflix, and they mentioned that Tim Hedrick would be working on it.

I referenced the F&F series deal in a post or two awhile back, that it was proof that something was going well between DreamWorks and Netflix in order for them to sign that deal. I was so focused on the business end of that and didn’t pay much attention to the creative team for the series:

“Tim Hedrick, who wrote for DreamWorks’ “Voltron: Legendary Defender” series, and Bret Haaland, who has produced DreamWorks’ animated shows like “All Hail King Julien” and “The Penguins of Madagascar,” will serve as executive producers and showrunners.” — Variety.com April 2018 [X]

That’s very interesting, and great for Hedrick. He’ll be an EP and show-runner on this series. That’s a wonderful follow-up and validation of his work on VLD.

Given the collaborative nature of animation and film, the line between writer, lead writer, story editor, and so on is generally unclear to me. That means that I can’t pin point what in VLD comes down to mostly Hedrick’s (or anyone’s) writing, and what comes down to his ideas but lightly edited, or his ideas but heavily edited, or his writing but with a lot of oversight/input/direction, and so on. It's hard for me to know what I like about his work, and what I didn’t like (if any), but I really like his run on the VLD comics with Mitch Iverson (Volumes 1 and 2).

Hedrick is one of the few of those involved to go back through most of (or all) of DotU, Golion, and other continuities, including the comics. [X] That earns a lot of points with me, because that’s a lot of effort. I appreciate the attention to detail.

I really enjoy the Fast & Furious films (even the less loved ones), because I love a good car movie, and the found family themes that are carried throughout the installments are done so well. They are enjoyable action movies with the right amount of fluff and feels that don’t distract from the racing and Cool Shit They Do With Cars.

Surprise, I love giant robots and cool cars.

I am still uncertain if I’ll watch the series, but knowing that Hedrick is an EP and a show-runner for it—right on the heels of his work on VLD—makes me more likely to check it out. I hope that the animation is great, and more like VLD or Young Justice, and less Cal Arts or 3D-CG (whatever that is called these days). There is a URL for the official website on Netlfix, but no images appear on the series page.

The series official title is: Fast & Furious: Spy Racers.

According to the Variety article: “In the series, teenager Tony Toretto follows in the footsteps of his cousin Dom when he and his friends are recruited by a government agency to infiltrate an elite racing league serving as a front for a nefarious crime organization bent on world domination.” [X]

Hmm. Sounds cool. That’s a good spin on the basic F&F concept. This infiltration premise is one I’d expect to see out of something like a martial arts film or a video game. I vaguely recall—during my childhood of playing any video game I could get my hands on—something like that as the backstory for a character from Street Fighter (sans racing). I think it was Cammy or C. Viper…one of them was an undercover agent trying to take down M. Bison’s criminal organization (which sought world domination).

Gotta say, that’s a heck of a thing: that VLD’s show-runners approached DreamWorks about a Street Fighter show, were handed VLD, and now one of VLD’s lead writers has moved on to be an EP and show-runner of a huge franchise spin-off series whose premise would totally work as a backstory for a character in Street Fighter. Life in the biz must be so strange.

EDIT/UPDATE: The Street Fighter pitch was made to Capcom, not DreamWorks. [X] I’ve read that it was DreamWorks in the past, but didn’t follow up for a source to make sure that was legit.

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Or Is It All Fake Silence? (On The Topic of Non-Duality)

so. i’m Headache and Tired .

recently i have been considering non-duality (again) and it is, well, endless. but always has an end. but then it starts again, so, did it ever really end? does it matter if it ended. it does! but also, it doesn’t. and really, if it’s both, isn’t it all kind of “ehhh.” but then, “ehhh” is like, the most important thing sometimes.

but THEN. importance is, relative, subjective, not that important. and subjective can be objective and vice-versa, but not always, but if it’s sometimes, then sometimes it’s always, but always, only sometimes. you get the picture, or you don’t, or you kinda do, and honestly, it’s all the fucking same, because it’s all points on a continuum.

BUT THEN do points even exist on a continuum? they do, if you’re looking for/making them. but they don’t, if you’re only looking at the line, so it isn’t actually all the same. and if you’re facing the other direction, you’re like “what points? what line? they don’t exist, do they?” and yeah, they don’t exist! because you can’t see them! but they might exist, outside your field of perception, so they do exist.

what is seeing, anyway. the information goes through so many transformations from its original form to be registered by a brain. the colours i see are not the colours you see, the colours you see are not the colours a mantis shrimp sees. one camera takes photos that come out all yellow, the other takes them with a bluish tint. 

right and wrong... subject, object. (ok i’m putting a cut in here bc this got, long and kind of emotionally sorta-really-deep-but-neither, under the jump)

but really i’m mad because, i can’t actually stop thinking about this for long? i always come back to this kind of like, consideration of (non-)“binary” concepts. 

like, is the concept of “i” even useful? i mean, yes, because it refers to the body, the mind(s) inhabiting it, and aspects contained within those things. 

but then also, “i” is not useful, because broadly, there is no “i”, “i” does not exist in isolation, “i” is dependent/contingent on every surrounding factor.

but specifically, “i” exists, and if i come back to i, then like, i was in so much pain, i was so angry, i was not supported in the right ways at the right times. but then, other “i”s around me did not have the means to support me, they were angry, they were in pain. 

so like, it’s fucking me up, because i still have this ingrained binary concept of Right and Wrong, Good and Bad, from like, less-than-good-enough parenting. i’m returning to seeing things through other people’s eyes, getting it wrong because i don’t have their life experiences or method of using the pathways they have, my mind is still going to “oh fuck, i’m Bad, i’m Wrong--” and my body is experiencing the physical reaction to that. i’m forgetting that, well, my i exists?

hence why i am here engaging in these clumsy unpracticed mental acrobatics. attempting to remember what my i is, or create one, or something. 

because, well, my i is... uh, i don’t know? how do i define it. flippy. flipping over constantly. i live on earth one minute, but like, as i’m walking along to the shop, i’m suddenly walking along little asteroids on the edge of saturn’s rings, i see it, i feel that space is cold. i’m a robot! but i’m a robot who thinks-feels-eats-breathes and who wants to be a man. and then, i guess that is a man? because what is a man, but a really complicated robot. but i’m made of metal on the inside! sometimes the outside! but only because i see it in my mind, but the mind is real, so whatever the mind creates is real, at least in my non-dual sub/objective opinion/experience? 

but yeah. only i know what condition i was in during certain events, and i know how actions of other people kicked me while i was down. and other individuals that tell me i’m wrong, i don’t need help, when i’m telling them something is wrong, i need help, like... that’s their prerogative? they can and will do that, i have no control over that? but god FUCK this individual acutely feels wounded over it, and i gotta respect that, because those other individuals can’t feel what i’m feeling. 

but then, frustratingly, i’m also well aware that while there are alternative pathways that could have happened, there was no alternative pathway because of the way the cards fell/are falling, so the one that did happen, the painful one, happened! 

it’s all such a huge ball of Fuck. real is imaginary and imaginary is real and both mean everything and nothing but everything is more or less the same as nothing etc etc. 

and it’s all a matter of scale and perspective. 

so i guess, i’m having to identify my perspective, and the scale i’m functioning on? and, uh, figure out how to return to that at the right times, in order to attend to Body Needs and Mind Needs and Environment Needs, which are all more or less the same thing, but not.

which is, well, shit, i can feel my body again. the body, a body, this physical organism that is sitting here typing this. and this body remembers being yanked and hit and shouted at and made to feel small and stupid and inconvenient and troublesome. this body remembers being routinely insulted and jeered at and mocked and not defended or taught how to defend itself. 

which, well, sure, i suppose a long duration filled with being perceived and reacted to like that, is why the mind that is-and-is-within this body has developed such a... well. one-and-many system. selves, non-selves, worlds, non-worlds, presences and absences. living inside the mind, most of the time, is a LOT less painful than living inside the body. 

i have... autonomy? i have bodily autonomy? i don’t have to follow an order or be punished? i don’t have to perform certain acts to receive love and affection from myself? i can choose where to go, what to do, what to say, i can choose when and how i go about things, i can validate my own “whys”? i can tell the self-non-selves that yell at me and slice my body in negative emotional reactions, actually, this is not helpful? etc etc?

this... i’m still getting used to this. marginally past “sounds fake but okay.” i’m still reacting in the present to past feelings of, well, yeah. being made to feel so small and stupid and incompetent that the pain i felt in that moment was intolerable, and i wanted my existence to end permanently right there, and that i made active efforts to try and achieve that. but, i am reliving those emotions less, which i suppose is... well, that’s emotional processing, babey!

so, well, uh.

right now! i am and am not suicidal. i’m not, you know, out here with a noose right now suicidal, but i am suicidal, in a really, like, long, slow, drawn-out, masochistic kind of way, because frankly i’m aware that even breathing the air in here is killing me. i have to be suicidal to like, live? at least for now, i gotta be, you know, pretty damn enthusiastic about the idea of my own death and its randomness and my part in bringing it on, in order to enjoy the whole, living thing? i dig it, death is sexy, he’s my other boyfriend. i mean, sometimes i don’t, but then i do again, so, yeah, fuck, you get the picture, or don’t, and so on so forth.

man like I have received shit in the past for like... “overcomplicating” things. but dude... this is literally how complicated it is, for me. i can’t switch this off until it’s Good and focking Ready to be switched off, i.e., i’ve made some or several point(s) to-with my self-selves. argh, english language is so clumsy for discussing this, language is so clumsy, it is a tool, it will suffice.

BUT YES my braincalm feeling is making itself known so, i suppose this is, The End. until, you know, i make another post, tomorrow night, about something the-same-but-different. it is all so uglybeautiful shallowdeep and like a f!cking wheel with infinite-finite points always-never turning. basard. the non-duality... it never STOPS, until you stop thinking about non-duality, in which case, it’s still a side within non-duality... f!cking paradoxical-non-paradoxical. Loops. Loops Everywhere. The Strings. Oh God. The Strings

OK jesus if i don’t make the judgement call and just say Yeah Ok Stop. this will never end. Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Obscurity And Reblogged Content