#have three finals to do i am so stressed
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I need finals week to end right now I am so serious
#crow rambles#i need a way to mentally check out for the next three days and come back with all my finals due#going to walk into traffic!!!!!#project i was bitching about STILL doesnt work. i turned it in anyways bc theres technically no syntax errors but whatever#teacher said it was due at the end of the day. duedate on blackboard was at 11am. i left a comment about it so i dont get penalized for it#have three finals to do i am so stressed#i woke up nauseous this morning bc of it 🥰 i love finals yay yay yay!!!#my moms sick too so now i feel like im running on a timer on if im going to get ill in the next few days#i have been shaking nonstop since i woke up hashtag live laugh love#im blaming my inability to do finals on my highschool btw. i didnt take a single final bc of their policy (if i had less than 5 absences and#a grade above 80 in a class i could skip the final). bc of this i just kept my grades up and didnt miss school#so i never took them#now i dont!! know!! how!! to!! prepare!!#ughhh I just need to get it over with#i may review a little bit before that tho. sigh#crow and the no good very bad fall semester#im only taking two classes next semester i dont care#no point in taking more if i plan on switching majors
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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I really hate having to depend on people to get very very important things done
#oh the joys of being disabled and not being able to do thing or having to constantly get help with things#literally have been asking my landlord MONTHS gor paperwork i need from him#and ive been trying to get other paperwork and documents from people that i otherwise should have had#but i was in the hospital and very sick so i dont have these documents and so now im trying to get them but#its just so annoying and im suffering because its affecting my health and people just dont care and im so frustrated#and i also still am not able to drive and i dont have money to get the bus or anything and Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#and im still trying to get like my frivken birth certificate from my mother because she had all this stuff because i was sick#and again in the hospital and when i finally got out and tried to get a grip on all my legal medical stuff#i find out that she just let it all go to waste and she literally told me that she was just waiting for me to get out#so that i can handle it myself when jsncjsncjsjcnccn#THATS WHAT SHE LITERALLY WAS THERE FOR SHE HAD ALL MEDICAL RIGHTS BY ME AND SHE DIDN'T DO IT#and gosh... i just really hope i still qualify for disability because i cant work ive tried to do it and#i literally worked a 9-5 day and the next three days after that i was running a fever and throwing up#i thought it was a one time thing so i tried again and the same thing happened#and i keep fricken trying and it keeps happening and its frustrating my body wont tolerate working#and im stressed because the person coming into presidency doesn't like disabled people and i feel like im just not gonna qualify#i just hope i qualify for the insurance part at least thats what i really really need because yeah just yeah
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Hi tumblr
#uploads#me#blog post#Shall I confess to you my feelings on the hashtags of this post#I’m rather stressed about my final#it is a project I am due to present on in three/four days and i will be with my family the rest of the week so i will not really be willing#to sacrifice time spent all together in order to get this final project together#I technically worked on it today by interviewing my uncle about his diabetes 2#but that conversation gave me mixed feelings#I think my uncle is a sad man#I think my uncle is not honest with himself or the people around him#and he said life is meaningless but if that was the case he would kill himself#he probably thinks about doing it#that is the impression I had of my uncle following our conversation about diabetes 2#my family is amazing but complicated#truthfully this trip has gone nothing like I expected it to but it’s funny because everything that’s happening is actually quite redundant#I had a great thanksgiving#I hope we have so many leftovers
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#ok minor stress rant that I’ll delete later but just have to vent#I house sat for two weeks for this professor and it was the most stressful and intensive dog sitting I’ve ever done#because they failed to mention all three dogs are rescues with severe medical issues including heart failure#it was. a lot.#I finally get back home yesterday after making the house spotless and I guess I figured I’d get paid yesterday which was maybe naive#instead I find out someone charged $500 to my card fraudulently so I had to get my card frozen#so I’ve had no access to ANY money since yesterday#last time this happened I called my bank and they sorted it out quickly and while on the phone they got me a new card and set it up#and even helped me add it to my digital wallet#this time I called and the girl sounded so confused and said she issued me a new card but to check out their app and I could do all that#except every time I use the app it says the system is down. so I still have no way to access any of my money.#keep in mind this is a hometown credit union so I can’t just run to a branch and pick one up#so I am now on day two without access to money#to make matters more annoying the prof said they’d reach out today to set up payment.#I waited all day until 5 pm and nothing? so I texted to ask if they got home alright or if I can do anything else#and he thanked me and said no I did amazing and it’s much appreciated#and then just. ended the conversation.#like???#sir you put me through HELL for two weeks. I had to give your dogs three baths because of the stuff they got into#you failed to mention your dogs’ complicated medical histories or that one is currently dying#like is it. is it so absurd to expect to be paid the day you say you’re going to pay me#not like I could access it anyway.#I hate this
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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hi guys i am so stressed watch me dive into honkai
#haha what IF#when im extremely stressed i consume media mindlessly#when i am not and i cognizantly eat media is when im alive and i love u#aka if i have energy i give things the proper attention i think they deserve#if not? then i just eat it and im done with it forever.#insight into the ammy world i suppose#anyway i have three finals due today and i just finished one but i have three left HAHAHAHA#86 helped me in the studying part#and that's a series i WANT to stay in#but i finished the anime caught up to the hiatus/cancelled manga#so now i am left to buy the light novels which. ill... do over the summer when i have money#so for now? since this is on the rise? honkai time i guess#though i should finish and catch up to path to nowhere#because i dont know what the FUCK is happening in star rail#i like a lot of the motifs though so i would like to know#uhm. you think id get back into twst soon uhm. im sorry#i WILL its just. eueueueu... let me finish my school year off so i cand rown in twst#anyway. time to figure out how it starts??? its long damn
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i have 5 final projects due in the next two weeks and three of them are due on the same day lmao. lmao. lmao.
#writing out that it's only 5 does actually make it feel better lol it felt a lot worse when it was nebulous#ohhhh i have so many projects-no. you have 5. you can handle it.#of course. thesis which is the biggest and most important. is due first.#which is great on one hand bc it means I won't be stressed abt it when the three are due three days later#but uh. i haven't touched those three things. literally.#one of them i have half a paragraph and a half assed outline#the other two i Literally havent started. anyway#being a graduating senior is stressfull <3 I'm also applying to jobs. i auditioned for one acts which is so fun I love my one act I'm havin#having fun. but also it adds stress to my schedule bc I have rehearsals and tech and performances next week also. when four of my five#final projects are due#and then i graduate. and im in the real world. and nobody has responded to my job applications yet. screams.#anyway if u read this far i love you <3 peace and love on planet earth I'm truly doing fine and I will be better once I finish#the scene im in rn for my thesis#every other project is soooo easy it's almost silly it's just thesis making me feel like I'm dying when I let myself dwell#so dwell i shan't goodbye i am off to rehearsal and then I shall finish my thesis
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hmm. i think. maybe i can't actually get better
#i'm sure this feeling will pass. it always does#but god there are just so many barriers. so many doctors i need to see. tests to do. exercises that will exhaust and hurt me at first#difficult mental exercises that will cause me emotional anguish at first while i'm bad at them#the guarantee that i'm going to feel beaten down & hopeless. repeatedly. indefinitely. until i finally start seeing progress#until i finally find the right doctors. the right tests. the right treatments. build up my strength. and stamina.#all the while i'm on a ticking clock in regards to my pets and family who are just gonna keep getting older#who fucking knows how long it will take to be Better and i'm fucking running out of time. i need to be better tomorrow#i need to be better yesterday. last year. two‚ three years ago#and ALL of this while i'm trying to figure out what kind of meager amount of income i could potentially make#how do you work while you're completely and utterly broken? how do you pay for those vet bills? new exercise shoes#to help with your pain? (the old ones are a decade old). a new desk chair so you could potentially do work at your desk#new clothes everytime you gain more fucking weight#and then you start to wonder: is all this stress giving you health issues? are you gonna have a bad heart in 5-10 years?#how do i reduce this stress so i can deal with these things better??? how do i reduce stress when it consumes my entire fucking life??#i am. so tired#darryl speaks
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It’s finally happening
I’m finishing TAZ: Balance tonight
#Let's take a look and see when my last tag was about ''finishing'' this campaign -#Oh it was three years ago! February of 2020 in fact! Wow!!!!#Lol#Yeah that whole thing of ''Tomorrow I'll finish it''? Lol I didn't even finish episode 68 at the time what was I on about#According to my tags then-me said I cried more after the moneyzone which uh? I don't?? remember doing that??#I remember everything up /to/ the moneyzone everything after that was new to me - other than the already-spoiled stuff like the Taakitz kiss#But pfshsfphspfhsph that's fine lol ♥#I was tired and it has been Literally three years so I'll give myself a bit of a break on that one lol#Oh and don't get it mixed it was still great ✨ Because I've been mostly relistening I forgot the sometimes necessity of pausing to laugh lol#That one bit of everyone going up to everyone while on the ticking clock - I am deceased#And I have still cried in bits ah ♥ Lup and Taako's relationship is my fave and Magnus' motivation to be strong and what is strength <3 <3#Nothing compares to The Best Episode of the Eleventh Hour but c'mon we can't compare to perfection lol#Haaah it's been doing me such good ♥ It feels like the right time finally :)#Also something something re: hyperfixations and novelty vs comfort in relation to stress idk lol it's interesting#TAZ
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If someone could just like…. Stab me through the eye that would be great idk
#idk what it is about today but I feel… terrible#not physically just mentally#and not even in a way that’s easy to place I just want to lay in the floor and melt into it#tbh I think it is premature exhaustion and anxiety ABOUT the exhaustion#because tomorrow we have two new apartment tours#and then Thursday (which is my other day off this week) I have that first therapy appointment#so my brain is not classifying either of those days as actual ‘days off’#(and I mean they’re not they will both be extremely draining)#AND THEN one of the store’s big managers insisted on doing the schedule instead of letting our department manager do it#so it’s sooooo fucked up and I won’t have a day off until NEXT Thursday and he scheduled me a bunch of inconsistent morning/evening shifts#so…. I am…. going to have literally no free time for like two weeks straight#no time to decompress no time to do things I think are fun no time to catch up on sleep#and my mom keeps messaging me about getting a new car which yes I need a new car and I WANT a new car and I’m finally in a position to GET#a new car#but she’s like ‘you have to go test drive a bunch of cars to find the one you REALLY want and then we’ll negotiate for it with you’#but I cannot stress enough that I would genuinely rather kill myself than go to a dealer ship and test drive cars by myself#I also just do not give a shit about cars there is never going to be one I ‘love’ because cars are cars I just want one that functions#I don’t CARE which one it is or how it drives or what the fuck ever I will NEVER care#but she keeps insisting I do it and I know they won’t help me go negotiate if I don’t do this first 😭#and I have a dentist appointment for the first time in like three years in a couple weeks and I know I probably have so many cavities#from when I got super depressed for like four months and didn’t brush my teeth at all#and I am just so overwhelmed#new apartment hunting new car shopping new therapist dentist appointment AAAGGGHHHH#I thought it might be a good idea to do it all at once so it’s all over with and I don’t have to have like four month period where it’s just#hopping from one thing to the other#except now I am just exhausted and overwhelmed and grumpy and feel like I can’t handle ANY of it let alone all of it#maybe one of the new apartments will go well tomorrow so at least I can cross that off and budget new rent prices….#ugh#kaz rambles
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turns out my cramps hurt too much and im too tired from having to deal with yet another change to my opening statement to dance as exercise
its just four minutes that i have to memorize in sixteen days, i can do that, i literally memorized a five minute opening i the same time frame but holy shit i feel sick to my stomach
maybe i should go to sleep early tonight
#i only got three hours of sleep last night so i should probably just sleep#idk how someone like me could make a living as some fucking malpractice lawyer#the more i think about it the less i know what to do with myself#what can i actually handle?? when am i finally going to snap from the constant stress and anxiety regarding my responsibilities??#when will just barely made it and did great anyway turn into just failure#i can do anything if i feel like i have to but i dont want my future to turn into having to do something i at least like to idfk#having to do something ill regret choosing in ten years time#wow i need to go to sleep#jfc#vent post
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charlie: i think i could go back to any of my past fandoms
charlie2: yeah same except [that one popular minecraft server that blew up in 2020 that i will not be naming not because im embarrassed but because tumblr likes to put what should be 0 note posts out to fans whenever i mention a fandom]
charlie: oh yeah right
#guess who’s who#paraphrasing because this happened at like three am for me and i have since slept#so no memory#me 🤝 charlie: that one bitchass fandom#listen was it my first time being more active in fandom and also my proper introduction to fanfiction#yes and i’m eternally grateful for that#will i ever be able to think about that fandom and the people involved without being uncomfortable#probably not#just everything that happened during and after my time in the fandom#it’s um a lot#any big fandom has its ups and downs but my god when you are the age that i was and finally branching out in fandom/social media#it feels just a tad bit overwhelming#and by that i mean i cried at least once from how stressful the fandom felt at times#the only friend i have from that fandom is charlie and we didn’t even meet because of it we just both ended up getting into it later on#stepping back though it’s a very interesting thing to think about in the way that i like to study any fandom#like having both the firsthand experience and hearing about it irghwhhs the analysis of it all would be beautiful#also disclaimer i do not support any of the people involved in that fandom#i either have a neutral or bad opinion of them#or nuance but whatever#i simply do not give a damn about them and celebrities in general#whatever they’ve done before and after the posting of this i am likely unaware of it or extremely aware of it#i find out news about these bitches from my friends#they are nowhere near my dash#so like with any public figure i don’t know shit#inspired by well you know
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fuck covid.
#finally dx’ed!! which is great bc now I have Physician Backup when I tell people that I Cannot Do That. no yeah the doctor told me#the other great thing is that I’m now allowed to have treatment. fucking finally.#anyways. truly loathe having long covid. I’ve unlocked a new type of exhaustion called Oh Fuck. unlockable to most by having two allnighter#in a row with a three hour nap on the ground in the middle. and then tying weightlifting balls to your feet.#I cannot stress how tired I am and how fucking BORED of sleeping I am. I no longer sleep one day out of every week straight through but. ug#I used to do things!!! What happened to doing things!!!!#sometimes I wonder if the recent uptick in ‘god I am SO tired’ memes on the internet is a result of mass undx’ed long covid. bc holy shit#anyways and I guess the solution is to microdose an experimental anti-addiction medication about it??? wild#ngl that was the MOST accommodating doctors office I’ve ever been to. If you had to be there for more than ten seconds there was a chair.#If you had to go somewhere then someone would lead you. got a whole packet plus the dr was very cool about ‘ok :)…. what did you just say’#like huh. yeah this sure is a specialty office for Memory Problems And Exhaustion The Disorder.#Anyways. I am SO FUCKING TIRED
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I should not have been taught so badly for 3 years that i genuinely have to google how to find job postings in my field. "Get a degree!! Get a degree!!" for why. To be laughed at by out of touch tutors and not taught anything? It's certainly not going to help me get a job because i CANT FIND THEM. "People will see you went here and that will give you credibility." Will it roderick. Because I now know not to trust a motherfucker who went here 💀
#rangnar rambles#taught by people who have not ever had to get into the industry in this state. dont know how to use computers. and (i cannot stress this#enough) DID NOT TEACH ME ANYTHING#I GET MY 27K PIECE OF PAPER IN 2 WEEKS AND YOU CANT TAKE IT FROM ME. SO CAN I GET SOME CONTACTS OR SM#but no yeah im so normal and glad i spent my time like this#WHAT DID I SPEND THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE DOING#if youre going to study illustration in the uk just go to falmouth. i dont go there but anywheres better than here#if [REDACTED] has no haters i am dead and have been ejected from the universe#if i could go back in time id do maths at a level and become a fucking accountant jesus christ#i had a tutor last year who used to do coke and got paid 15k to sit in front of a camera doing nothing by a mate in LA#the same guy our year got fired for being incompetent and aggressive when you asked for help (like. his fucking job)#AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. who was also a tutor and MORE INCOMPETENT#i had one tutor the whole course who had my back i love you jeremy i hope you finally get to retire and stop having to run FOUR COURSES#only man who actually had us do drawing exercises and taught us (in SECOND YEAR) how to draw perspective#so many people got to final semester and suddenly got failed bc tutors were lying to our faces about the quality of our work and not giving#accurate crit. how humiliating is that for everyone involved??#you dont want to tell us our work is shit until the grades are coming out?? and ur shocked when you havent taught anyone anything?? be so fr#it was like they were always shocked that we wanted direction and advice and our feedback was always met with 'well in the 80s there was a#big push for thia kind of open loosey goosey art course' its not the 80s anymore and students have been complainging for a decade#management would 'take on board' criticism and then bank on us all being gone in 3 years so they wouldnt have to actually do anything#all while taking our money and shutting down the entire humanities section of the uni#*actively wating wires* anyway no yeah im soo glad i spent my time like this at least i got a girlfriend i GUESS
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