#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like

[badolmen]

So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.

[ravennotthebird-blog]

Hopefully last emotional/IWantYouBack Post

Hopefully this provides me some closure. Basically my freshman year I moved to this shitty ass town (the high desert) away from all my friends. I was "talking" to a girl who was in the 8th grade(she was an acquaintances ex gf who lived in Long Beach I lived about an hour and a half away). Basically that girl wouldn't post about me in social media, didn't text me when she was around her friends, talked about guys to me and even though we called each other babe and said I love you and would talk on the phone and meet at Knotts Berry Farm to hang out (shout out to my mom for driving me there just to see a girl) it didn't feel too real. My freshman year there was this girl in my 4th period french class who sat across the room from me. She wore brown checkered vans with no laces, faded blue jeans, and a zip up hoodie with light-Ish brown hair in a pony tail and she had bangs and headphones in( i assumed she was a shuffler). Little did I know that would Be the love of my life (I think.. I'm only 19 but I like to think I know what love is). We didn't really talk till she got moved into my English class second semester. She even sat by me ! We were in a group for "To Kill a Mockingbird" and she was in charge of drawing and color and I went over one day to help her color and dude.. this girl was so cool ! She liked DBZ &Pokemon & is by far the best drawer I've ever seen & liked skyrim & had the coolest little brother ever ! We got like a B+ on that assignment OH she had a boyfriend who she was dating for almost a year but lived across the city and went to another school .. fast forward to sophomore year i had a crush on this girl ! We talked so much and she was just so interesting. She was skinny and only 5ft tall and people would tell me she was cute but not "sexy" or "beautiful" or "hot" but fuck that she was so attractive to me in all sorts of way ! Essentially she dumped her boyfriend and I dropped that girl I was talked to and we kissed lol. She was sick when we kissed so i tasted Ricola but I didn't care I was hyped ! People kept telling me ask her out but I wanted to take my time and chill cause growing up I was chubby and angry and didn't really get much attention from any girls. February 13th I asked her out silly me though February 11th I had asked her to be my valentine with a flower. February 14th was valentines day and I got her a card I felt so lame but yeah February 13th after 1st period I asked her out. Throughout this relationship she got me a tortuous cake for my birthday, was there for me when I was cutting weight (went from 186-170 and senior year 190-170) bought me a Supermán onsie, would draw for me, wrote about me in a notebook(she let me read one but not the other..wonder if she still writes about me). I guess I did little things for her like emotional support and what not. Now the shitty part: when we first started dating I wasn't so sure she liked me so I would talk to other girls "they would compliment me and I'd take it, they'd say they like me and I'd ask why" that's basically all it was.. girls would call me cute or handsome and send me hearts and I'd tell them goodnight and send hearts back. I never told my girlfriend because idk.. for a while she was as lovey dovey as I had liked. When she was I stopped. It wasn't consistently either. I'd was be like one girl for a few days then I'd stop and yeah.. I think that's cheating.. people say it's cheating. Then at a party a girl sucked my pipi while I was drunk and that was a complete accident and yes that was cheating and no I didn't tell my girlfriend. I never liked or had feelings for any girl the way I did for my girlfriend. My girlfriend met my family, knew practically all my secrets, she even witnessed me and my mom argue. Then senior year.. my mom was acting weird, her boyfriend was acting weirder, I was cutting tons of weight, she was busy with a drama production(she likes drama haha nerd). And while away at a tournament I hit up a girl who had a boyfriend just to talk to and pass time.. eventually she dumped her boyfriend and we exchanged nudes and one day at school she gave me a hand job. One day while asleep I get a call in the middle of the night from my girlfriend crying cussing me out going off on me.. she saw the pictures(we exchanged them on Facebook and she had my password) .. she dumped me.. the next day I had a wrestling tournament ( I won it). The following months were weird. One day she hates me the next she wants to be with me. One day I'm fingering her in my room the next she's telling me she doesn't care do what I want.. my team won league, CIF Duals, and Individuals! Masters(the tournament before state) she didn't really text me and all I could think about was her.. I didn't go to state. I went 2-2 and that's it. EVENTUALLY me and her got together. She had all my passwords(even my social) deleted whoever she wanted and was free to go on my social media accounts but it's okay. We went to prom and graduation together and after high school I moved to Redlands for college. Over the summer I worked 2 jobs and she worked and went to school (she went to community college). August 29th 2016 she dumped me cause I liked some girls tweet that she claims she blocked. The 2nd week of September we got back together. I'd drive 42-ish miles to go see her and bring her down to my house and drop her back off. We'd occasionally argue cause her family wouldn't really take her to see me or wouldn't pick her up. I'd go to school 5days a work and work anywhere from 2-5 days a week so I'd be stressed. November 27th 2016 I get a call at 4in the morning about how she had a nightmare so I talked to her till she k.o'd. I wake up around 8 and see a text from her saying "you're cheating on me. If you haven't then you're gonna or thought about it" Assholes in high school would randomly message her saying "Ravens cheating on you" so I log into her IG and she messaged one of my female coworkers saying "I heard you're a hoe did you fuck my boyfriend..." I was shocked so I called her saying wtf ! Like that's my coworker ! She apologizes and we are all good and I'm in my Tia's room(I moved outta my moms house) talking to her about my girlfriend. I get one text "I love you so much baby" then a minute later "you sicken me" BAM dude I get a call getting cussed out ! " you're manipulative" "you're not a man" "how could you" "you liar" and I'm just like wow.. she dumps me and I'm crying freaking out and my Tia told me to chill so I take a nap and wake up and see all of our pictures deleted, my name out of her bio. I'm crushed like dude wtf ! My coworker told her I was trying to fuck her.. when me and my girlfriend broke up I got a job at a restaurant I would tell my friend S dude that girl is cute. That girl just so happened to be his friend. One day S tell me that she wants me to talk to her . I say no cause that's weird and I'm not looking to date. He said who cares she just wants to Fuck but since I was knew to that job I thought it was a prank so I didn't go through with anything. One day after work she asks me to go to her car to grab a jacket. She asked me to smoke and I said no so we hung out in her car. She showed me Travis Scotts album because I hadn't heard it all(this time me and my Girlfriend were back together". She told me she wanted me to dump my girlfriend so could hook up cause she just got out of a relationship and wanted to have fun. I said no I'm not prepared to dump my girlfriend. She said even for a day as long as we weren't dating she would be down. I told her that I don't wanna dump my girlfriend. I tell her if it's just something physical I could maybe consider it but I don't think I'd dump her. After a few more mins of talked I go to my car and while driving home I get a sick feeling to my stomach.. I almost cheated on my girlfriend.. shit... so I blocked that girl and deleted her from social media and kept it as that. That was back in September while me and my girlfriend were broken up. Here I am now.. January 29th 2017.. single.. sprung... in Iowa.. I miss this girl. A week before I came we were hanging out. It was emotional.. she doesn't wanna talk to me, she blocked me on twitter, snapchat. She said I could talk to her as long as It was an emergency so I would send her random cute posts and she got mad one day I called her perfect.. telling me to forget about her that I ruin her mood when I pour my feelings out to her... that hurt dude.. a lot... so now here I am. Sad.. heartbroken.. and I'm puzzled. I know i hurt her.. but she was the one saying she'd be mine forever and loved me and only me and only wants to be with me and that in 5 (4 now) years we'd get married.. are we done forever? Is she just hurt? Does she not care anymore ? Little does she know I message 3-4 girls and feel nothing. I stop replying.. I feel lonely. I only wanna talk to her. I see on her Instagram guys comment and her comment back.. is she talking to them? I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.. I feel I got cheated out of this.. I love this girl dude. December 19th we were gonna go to Monterey and I was gonna talk to her about moving into my Tia's house with me over the summer. I was gonna get something to remember her tattooed on my back or side.. it's just not fair dude. I made my mistakes and I own up to them but why is she so mean.. how can she act like she doesn't care? She only brings up my mistakes but not our good times. She doesn't talk about the times after sex we'd lay and listened to music, the time we went to the farmers market, the time she would quote the Great Gatsby, the times I would ask her to draw for me, the times we'd talk while I'd drive her home, the times we'd wrestle, the times I'd pick her up in my room so she would touch the ceiling with both hands cause she has a weird tick like that. She doesn't know.. she doesn't know how heavy my heart is thinking of her with someone else. How I think about her as I warm up for my wrestling match, how when I'd cut weight I'd visualize laying with her.. and the thought that she might be sharing the secrets and doing things with others she did with me. Not just the sexual stuff but like introducing then to her cool family or the smothering of vegan/vegetarian facts.. ahh okay.. I blocked you on Instagram.. hopefully I can get over this.. hopefully you come back to me.. I'm in Iowa.. I'd be in California if you'd of asked me to stay.. but it's okay.. I love you Ms Lechuga and I always will. Even if you find someone else I will always care.. my friends call me a bitch for crying and sobbing over you but.. imagine having the most precious special thing in the world. No one else could see it but you.. then you lose it.. you mis place it and pick it up and it somehow falls out again.. and as you try to pick it up it stings you.. and the more you try to pick it up the harder it stings you .. and as you try to leave it and let it be you are haunted of the thought of someone else finding it.. that's me.. it sucks.. but I know I can get through this. I have good friends, family that loves me, I'm doing my passion and wrestling In college.. I'll be okay.. it's just a matter of when.. puzzle pieces.. 2 odd shapes that look out of place to others but fit perfectly together.. can't wait till we fit again.. I love you -Raven A Rodriguez