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bbyquokka · 2 years ago

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Birthday wishes

pairing: Yang Jeongin x fem reader

genre: idol au, smut – MDNI

synopsis: it's Jeongin's birthday but he's away on tour, so you use an alternative method to grant him his birthday wishes.

warnings: she/her pronouns, smut, mutual masturbation, masturbation over video call, clit play, fingering, breast and nipple play, dirty talk, pet names, Jeongin guides reader in the first half

words: 3.1k ~ (3134)

do not repost and/or translate! feedback & reblogs are highly advised and appreciated

☆ m.list — ☆ you can also read it on my ao3

It's his birthday and he's away.

He's away on tour, finishing up the last of the dates. You generally don't mind him being away, you knew it was part of the deal when you two became a couple. Him being away just means you have more free time and space in your home, not having to worry about yourself plus someone else - although you don't mind looking after him.

Today though, you did mind. When it's his birthday, you normally start the day off by cooking him breakfast in bed, then once his stomach is full, he would fill you up in the form of slow, love making, his mind and body still not fully awake, but enough to know how good you feel around him.

Then, you'd plan your days together. Ask him what he wants to do. He'd normally refuse because he knows that you're going to be spending money on him, but you're stubborn so he has no choice but to back down.

Once the day is almost over, depending on how tiring you both feel, you'd either go out for a meal or order, ordering being the most common because once you've finished eating, Jeongin is still hungry and he's hungry for you.

You slowly learnt that Jeongin has a very high sex drive. If he could, he would have sex all day, every day. You say it's because he's young, he says it's because he cannot keep his hands off you and he's constantly thinking about you. But either way, you end up having sex two, sometimes three times a day.

But when he's away, it's a different story.

It's 2:25 am for you, Jeongin finished performing and is now back in his hotel room. He sent you a quick message saying that he is going to wash up and then you two can talk.

The time difference sucks for you, but that's just how it is sadly. Having to video call and hear his voice through a screen sucks just as much but if it wasn't for technology, you wouldn't hear from him for months.

Sitting in front of your laptop wearing Jeongin's t-shirt and panties, the panties that drive him insane. A cute soft pink colour decorated with a small bow, he claims they make you look so sweet and innocent.

You patiently wait for him to call, time ticking by slowly. You know he's finishing up in the shower right now, drying his hair and doing his skin care, but you're getting impatient.

You want to see your lover and you want to see him now

You grab your foxyi.ny, cuddling him close to your chest before situating him between your crossed legs. You fix your hair, clothing before looking around the bedroom to make sure everything is perfect for when he does eventually call.

You let out a silent squeak, pressing the answer button. Finally, after days of not being able to see or hear him, you get to see your lover.

“Innie!!” You smile, failing to hold back your excitement as your fresh faced lover appears on screen. He smiles warmly at you.

“My darling.” His voice is hoarse and strained, throat sounding scratching from the singing and cheering.

“Innie, you should rest. your voice doesn't sound good and you have another concert tomorrow.” You frown. Jeongin laughs softly, shaking his head.

“Dont worry about me, angel. I'll be okay plus I wanted to see my favourite girl on my birthday.” you blush a soft pink, giggling softly.

“Well, I guess it is your birthday after all so I will let you off just this once.”

“Mhm, thank you doll.” Jeongin coos, before shifting around on the bed. He lays on his side, laptop in front giving you a perfect view of his physic.

You bite your lip, eyes trailing up and down his body. He's in one of his plain black vest tops with matching black boxer shorts. his hair is fluffy from the shower, face bare from make up whilst holding a nice glow.

“So uh, how was the concert?”

“It was amazing! stays are so energetic as always. I love hearing them sing along to our songs as well as watch the light sticks being waved around. it's just so magical.”

“I saw that you kissed Felix's head.” you say with a giggle.

“You saw that?” you nod

“It was all over twitter. pictures and videos of you and lix kissing each others heads.” Jeongin laughs softly, recalling the incident.

“Well, I thought I'd return the favour. Everyone loves our sunshine lix.”

“Mhm, that's true. He's just a cute ball of sunshine but poor Jisung.” Jeongin looks at you with a frown “Jisung has been wanting a kiss from you for years baby!”

Jeongin laughs softly. “That's true. He wants a kiss from everyone though, but it's fun to tease him.”

“You're mean, Innie.” you giggle softly.

“Mhm, but you love me doll.”

“Yeah… I love you a lot, Innie.”

“I love you too, baby.”

“So, did you get anything for your birthday?”

“Mhm, I got some butt slaps off Minho if that counts as anything.” he laughs softly before continuing “but no. it's hard having a birthday whilst being on tour. I know the boys will most likely get me something once we return home.”

“Do you… do you want anything from me?” you blush a faint pink, chewing your bottom lip as you play with the hem of your t-shirt.

“Yeah..” Jeongin props up the pillows before resting against them.

“What?” you move foxyi.ny to the side before kneeling up.

“Show me what panties you're wearing.” his voice is now low, laptop a little closer to him. you slowly lift up the t-shirt, a throaty groan leaving Jeongin's lips as he stares at your pretty pink panties.

“So cute, so innocent.” he purrs.

“Do you like them?” you innocently ask, cocking your head to the side.

“You know I do, doll.” he watches you trail your hand down your stomach to the waistband of your panties. you tug on the bow before letting it snap back against your skin.

“Do you have any birthday wishes, Innie?”

“Strip. I want to see that beautiful body of yours, y/n.”

“I-Innie…” you whisper, feeling a wave of shyness wash over you. He's seen you at your most vulnerable state many times before but never over a laptop screen. this is all so new to you.

“Don't be shy doll. it's just me.” Jeongin softly says, noticing how stiff you've suddenly become. a look of worry on your face, your hands playing with the hem of the t-shirt.

“B-but the guys…” you mumble. “they might see.”

“They won't doll. see–” Jeongin shuffles about, moving the laptop from side to side, showing you that it's just him in the hotel room. “It's just me in here. Everyone else went out to buy dinner.”

“Why didn't you follow?” you press your lips together, feeling a little bit guilty that he is here with you and not with his friends. it's his birthday, surely he'd want to spend it with his friends.

“Because I want to spend my birthday with my favourite person in the whole wide world!” Jeongin moves the laptop back to its original position. “We don't have to do this if you don't want to baby. we can just talk and relax, maybe play a few ga–”

“No!” you blush at how eager you suddenly sound. “i-i want to Innie. I trust you.”

“Only if you're sure.”

“I'm a hundred percent sure, Innie.” Jeongin watches you as you lift the t-shirt up and over your head, discarding the fabric on the mattress beside you. Jeongin groans softly as he takes in every detail.

“Gosh your breasts are so adorable.” He groans. “I mean, your body is amazing and beautiful but my gosh, your breasts..”

“You like them, Innie?” You purr, dragging the tips of your fingers up your sides before letting them dance around the curviness of your breasts.

“Very much so. I love playing with my girls' nipples. sucking and tugging on them, watching and hearing you squeal.”

“Innie, you know I'm sensitive when it comes to my boobs.”

“Oh, I very much know. Can you play with them for me, doll?” You watch his own hand glide down his chest and torso to massage and palm his growing erection.

“How would you like me to play with them, baby?” you ask in a sickly sweet manner.

“Play with them how I would.”

“Help me.”

“First, lay down. get comfy.” you do just that, resting your back against the soft sheets as you make sure Jeongin can still see you.

“Good girl. Now, close your eyes for me darling.” you close your eyes as instructed, a soft hum of appreciation can be heard from Jeongin.

“Now what?” you whisper, anticipation and excitement bubbling in your stomach.

“Cup your breasts baby. massage them in the palm of your hands. don't forget to tease your pretty nipples.” you glide your hand up your stomach to your breasts, cupping them both and gently massaging them.

You swipe your thumbs over your stiff nipples, a shockwave of pleasure shooting down your spine to your core.

“Good girl. Are you feeling it?”

“Y-yes…”

“What are you thinking about, baby? tell me. tell your Innie.'' By now, Jeongin's hand has dipped under the waistband of his boxer shorts, his vest bundled up to his chest.

He lazily strokes his erection, wanting to bask in the moment of watching you pleasure yourself. He licks his lips, watching your fingers delicately dance around your nipples, your index and thumb trapping the bud as you tug and pinch.

You rub your thighs together, whimpering softly as you feel your core throb and clit ache.

“I'm thinking about your hands Innie. how your fingers wrap around them. how you tug and pleasure my nipples…”

“What else?”

“Your lips… pressing against my neck. your body flush against mine. h-how I can feel your dick pressing against my pussy…”

“You're so adorable y/n. my cute baby girl.”

“I-Innie…” you shakily breath out. you continue to massage your breasts, teasing your own nipples by circling your fingers around it before gently flicking, tugging and rolling the hard bud.

“Gosh, I wish I was with you right now y/n. you sound so beautiful…” Jeongin groans.

“I wish… I want you here Jeongin. I need my Innie with me.” you cry out, eyes fluttering open. you let out a small whimper at the sight of Jeongin, his hand still lazily stroking his cock.

“Soon baby. Once the tour is over, I'm going to treat you like the perfect princess you are.”

“w-wanna see…” you whimper, one hand leaving your breast to play with the pink bow of your panties.

“See what?” Jeongin says with a smirk.

“Y-you. your…” you rub your legs together once again, creating friction for yourself. you can feel your slick coating your folds and the material, panties sticking to you uncomfortably.

“My cock?” you shake your head yes fast and eagerly.

“Please Innie. please, I miss it so much.” you beg.

“Fuck y/n. you're so fucking cute..” Jeongin lifts his hips up, pulling down his boxer shorts to his thighs. you whimper as his cock springs free from their restraints, a breathy sigh of relief escaping his lips.

“Innie.. I want it so bad.” you beg, your eyes filling with tears. The urge to have something, to have him, is so strong. but he's there and you're here. you have to wait a while longer and that sucks even more.

“Oh baby, do you want me that bad?” he coos, fist around his hard cock as he pumps himself. you whimper, eyes glued to the screen as you eye him up. “You have to wait though.”

“But I don't want to.” you whine.

“I know, believe me I want you just as bad, but we have to make do with what we have for the time being.”

You pout. He's right, he always is. if it wasn't for technology, you would have gone months without seeing or hearing from him.

“I want to see.” Jeongin bites his bottom lip gently, thumb gathering and smearing his pre cum around his tip.

“See what, Innie?” you innocently ask.

“You know what. I want to see that cute pussy.”

You bite your lip gently, slowly sliding your panties down your legs. you shiver as the cold air hits your soaked and sensitive cunt. you slowly part your legs, exposing yourself to Jeongin.

“Holy shit… it's so cute and wet. fuck, I just want to bury my face between your legs, eat you up and bury my cock deep inside you y/n.” he growls, movements on his cock slowly speeding up.

“I-Innie…” you shakily breathe out, one hand coming back up to massage and tease your nipples.

“Touch yourself y/n. I want to see and hear you.”

You let out a meek whimper, your hand trailing down your stomach. Your fingertips come into contact with your swollen clit, hips bucking at the contact. You rub soft and slow circles on the nub, occasionally dipping your fingers between your soaked folds to gather some of your essence.

You use your essence to rub your clit with, the slick movement making pleasure shoot down your spine and to your core. you alternate your rubs, lips slowly parting as you get lost in the pleasure.

“J-jeongin…” you gently moan out, head tilting to the side.

“Gosh you sound so beautiful when you moan my name.”

“I need more.” you whimper, fingers automatically circling your entrance before slipping two fingers inside. “It's not enough.”

It's far from enough. Jeongin has long fingers, he's able to reach the deepest parts of you with ease. You don't feel anywhere near full with your own fingers, the need and desire burning at this point. your body shaking with so much need and desperation.

“I know baby, I know… fuck. but I promise you, once I'm home, I'm going to treat you so well. just bear with it okay..” Jeongin swallows, his cheeks turning pink.

You pump your fingers at a steady pace before slowly speeding up. you curl your fingers up against your walls, fingers getting coated in slick as you massage your walls. your eyes slowly flutter close, free hand rubbing circles on your clit for that added pleasure.

“I-Innie..”

“Do you feel good, baby?” His own breath is shaky, soft moans escaping his lips as he watches your fingers slide in and out, your body withering from the pleasure, toes curling as you pant.

“M-mhm.. good, so good. but I want you. I want your cock deep inside me. I want it to be stroking my walls. I want to go dumb from your cock, Innie.”

“D-dont y/n. you know how much that stuff gets to me.” Jeongin fists his cock fast, his chest rising up and down as pre cum seeps from his slit.

“Please Innie. please can you fuck me dumb. make me a dumb slut from your cock. fuck me hard so I'm sore for the whole week. I want it Innie, I want it so fucking bad!”

“Y-y/n…” Jeongin squeezes his eyes shut, his arm slowly draping across his sweaty forehead as his hips buck in his hand. “I promise to do all that y/n. I promise to make you a dumb slut with my cock. as soon as I'm home, I will do everything and more to you. whatever your heart desires.”

“Yeah??”

“Yes. I will spoil my girl, I promise.”

Your walls squeeze around your fingers, a burning knot forming in the pit of your stomach. your movements become desperate, chasing your high. Moans become mixed together with the sloppy sounds of your cunt. Jeongin shivering at the sinful yet delicious sounds your body is making.

“J-jeongin…” you heavily pant, back arching off the bed as your toes curl. it's burning, it's close. your walls contract and release around your fingers, thighs shaking as your stomach tenses.

“Close?” you let out a meek hum, eyes squeezing shut as you chase your high. “cum for me darling.”

You softly moan his name, fingers coming to a standstill as your orgasm hits you. your body shivers and shakes, walls holding onto your fingers tightly. you pull them out slowly as you still rub your sensitive clit to ride out your high.

Once calm, you rest your legs flat on the mattress, body tired and exhausted. you look at the laptop screen, noticing Jeongin still hasn't orgasmed.

“Innie, you haven't –”

“Wanted to last… wanted to watch and hear you.”

“But, I wanna see. I wanna see you cum Innie, please.” you pout, sitting up and leaning close to the screen. you smirk, watching his movements become erratic, hips bucking in his hand to fuck it. soon, it becomes too much for him to handle.

“Shit shit shit.” a string of profanities leave his lips as he shoots ropes of cum onto his stomach. his cock twitches with each release, stomach coating in his sticky liquid. He does languid strokes, helping himself to ride out his high.

“Love you. I love you so much.” he shakily pants, coming down from his high.

“I love you too, Innie.” you say with a soft giggle.

“Clean up and meet back in 5?”

“Of course!”

Once clean, you got under the duvet covers, snuggling your plushie. you and Jeongin spoke more about the concert, the venue, what you've both been up to. Your body starts to feel heavy with sleep, eyelids drooping.

It's now 5:30 am for you. The sun slowly rising and birds chirping their morning tunes.

“Sleep, my love.” Jeongin softly says, watching you fight the battle of sleep.

“I don't want it to end.” you sleepily say, opening your eyes for them to automatically close. Jeongin laughs at your attempts.

“We can facetime tomorrow baby.”

“When are you back home, Innie.”

“Not for a while, y/n. I wish it was sooner but sadly, it's not. I just want to snuggle you right now. you look so adorable.”

“Wanna sleep in Innie's arms.” you whisper, pulling the duvet closer to you.

“Soon darling, I promise.”

“Innie–”

“Yes, my love?”

“Sing to me.”

“What do you want me to sing baby?”

“My song. sing my song for me please Innie.”

“Anything for you darling.”

Jeongin starts singing your favourite song, his soft, angelic voice smothering your tired body, making you feel safe.

“Good night y/n.” Jeongin says as he notices you have fallen asleep, soft snores leaving your lips. “I'll see you real soon, I love you.”

note: this was only suppose to be a small drabble but uh, yeah. 🤷🏻‍♀️ took me less than a day to complete this, lmao! don’t forget to leave feedback, reblog and tell me what you think here. enjoy!

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crguang · 4 months ago

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ahajsksbywpqp sat guess who has 2 tests in the same week in the same class next week. Not very fun for me. anyway I was think abt Kafka (honestly when am I not is the real question). See if it wasn’t Kafka in ur au and I was r I would definitely turn her in for the money, but I unfortunately think I might like Kafka just like a little bit ig so I don’t think k would be able to do that .

Reread part 3 today is her fingers twitching bc she wants to shoot something or is it just bc Kafka and her fingers. Ok thats not what I meant but also…what I meant was that she works with her fingers a lot I wish she used them on me instrument, guns, etc. we still haven’t gotten an in game Kafka appearance w an actual violin, it probably won’t happen but I’m still holding out. And she’s the highest threat level possible for a criminal but she STILL commits petty theft. She is so I saw someone say that the stellaron hunters were all siblings, Kafka and blade are like the older siblings that have to drive/pay for everything, silver wolf is the gamer (so original) and firefly is the youngest. Wish they had more in game interactions, or like they had synergy, meta wise, since canonically they’re one of the most tight knit groups.

oh also your inbox must be full as fuck so it’s fine if you don’t reply to everything, esp bc you answer a lot of stuff, and even tho someone already said this ur rlly great to talk to ur thoughts are always more coherent than mine. And we all get to simp over hot fictional women together.

ngl I might start playing ptn, like I’ve been seeing screenshots and…wow, I don’t think I have enough storage tho. I think the two types of characters I usually like are tiny mentally ill ones and hot evil women, so…

im so sorry my messages are always so long btw, I keep rambling 😭

-🌠

aaaa study well and good luck for your tests!!! hope you get a good grade and if u dint i will hack i to your prof’s computer and change it for you

im with you entirely, if it was anyone else in that story i wouldve already called the cops LMFAOOO kafka gets privileges because shes hot and my fav unfortunately… for the finger thing, i think its just one of her quirks! in her idle she mimics playing the violin and like you said she has very dexterous hands (even mentions it in a voice line) so i think she’d absentmindedly move them around when her mind is elsewhere. this is the kind of overthinking i was talking about, when i map out a character in my head i think about the most irrelevant stuff that dont matter😭 but imo they add to her charm a little and make her a rounder character, idk. AND YES i love that her crimes go from suicide inducement to petty theft shes so ridiculous hfjfhdhfj that time in her character story where she just walked in a store and took clothes off the rack then left in front of everyone… shes funny as hell😭

i see the SH as family too! silver wolf and firefly are sisters to me, and both of them are def kafka’s little sisters. i think silver wolf is the youngest though, she even gives off sassy youngest child vibes. i wish they could work together too, having them all in one team would be so nice. but it’s also cool that each of them has a speciality, it makes sense for the work they do

my inbox is full i think i have around 70 asks rn…😭 but to be fair a lot of them are veryyy old i just havent gotten around to cleaning up my blog yet, i’ll do it at the same time i change my masterlist and actually make it pretty to look at. i usually try to click on notifs as soon as i see them but like i said, i just forget to type my answers </3

and omg. anon. if your type is mentally ill and hot evil women ptn is literally the game for you. there is an abundance of mentally ill women in there, trust me… like there’s every kind of character you could want in that game— you could give me a specific type and i could find you a character that matches it, you should definitely play. and if you do, do it before the second anniversary ends (starts around mid/late-october) bc trust me you are gonna be upset if you miss shalom :/

dont worry abt ramblingggg i love talking to u and answering every point it’s really nice!!

#sat answers #🌠 anon

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runthepockets · 7 months ago

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abt your men being proverbially shit on post: i mean i agree sorta, bioessentialism is unhelpful and hurtful, and rn you see a lot of shit from cis women abt how men cant help but be bad people etc. and that kinda shit is not helpful at all. but i agree w the person who replied to that post too. i mean i wouldnt make a joke like "i hate men" to a dude's face bc it's unhelpful in the same way i wouldn't say i hate white people to a random white person's face, but like. yknow? i dont know specifically what example you're thinking of but i would pretty confidently say there IS a difference between how women talk abt men and how men talk abt women. i agree that it's unhelpful for them and YOURSELF to genuinely earnestly think men are genetically unable to be better bc it just. isn't true. but i would definitely say misogyny and "i hate men" are different. again though idk what example you're using here, but just like... when i walk around as a woman, and even when i walk around as a man, i see like every third guy talkin crazy shit on how Fundamentally Different women are from men and women are This horrible thing and women are That horrible thing and women Can't Help But Be Crazy and when i talk to women all i get are "well he's a man. he's stupid." and usually that doesn't read as bioessentialism, it reads as tiredness from dealing with misogyny all the time. so i agree to an extent, bioessentialism is an issue, and all the "feminine energy astrology balanced by male aggressiveness and men can't help but be stupid people because their brains are wired differently" are contributing to a worsening of some kind, but also i don't know that i'm seeing more manhate than i am misogyny, still to this day, and i am able to opporate socially as both a man and a woman so i see both sides pretty frequently. i feel like you have a specific example you're thinking of that i don't know, because all i can think of are the times i've personally seen men freak out and do shitty stuff because they know a woman who doesn't feel safe around men that they are close to, and both are really horrible about communication, which is a two part thing and a lot more complicated than just random negativity

I don't think I said manhate is more common than misogyny, and I'm sorry if I did because that's not really what I was going for. The point of that post was more to point out the hypocrisy of taking low blows at men while women doing the same thing gets crickets and tumbleweeds. Maybe you haven't experienced this, but I certainly have as a man. Just as there's things I can do that are easier for me to get away with as a dude, there are things chicks can get away with easier than I ever could.

I don't really think the way different genders talk about each other is that different, pre transition I heard women talk crazy shit about dudes, about how we can't control our sex drives and how we're useless if we don't make enough money, and tbh I don't really see how "he can't help being dumb and useless, he's a man" is any less of a meanspirited generalization than "she can't help being oversensitive and hysterical, she's a woman." It's both generalizing stereotypes that are, on some level, hurtful to the demographic they're being hurled at. There's plenty of men who have greivances with abusive and shitty women and we (RE: LEFTIST SPACES) don't let them speak poorly of women, so why is it ok in these same spaces to let women say whatever just cus of their trauma? It's like you say, respect is a two way street. I'm not listening to anyone who makes blind assumptions about me because of my gender and presentation.

I'm going to parrot my friend's reply as well: I don't think a lot of this is "just venting", I don't think making generalizations and saying cruel things about 50% of the population exists in a vaccuum. And even if it did, I still think I'm allowed to say "hey, it hurts my feelings when you say I'm dumb and useless", because at the end of the day you can't deny feelings.

I'm glad you don't say shitty things about men to their faces, but women have done those things to me so you can't speak for all of them. I've been called a moid and told I wouldn't get respect until I "stopped raping and killing women and children" even though I've never put my hands on a woman or child in any way that could be described as anything short of "platonic and consensual". I've been told that I'm not allowed to feel hurt and upset when women verbally abuse me because women are saints who can do no wrong, because they're lower on the social pecking order than me, because other men are nasty and cruel so I have to suck it up and take one for the team. I think people only think this stuff is "harmless venting" because they don't actually realize how biased their perceptions of men and masculinity are. I've had many trans men who can testify to my experiences word for word going as far back as the 70s in the very queer and feminist spaces that I've been bitching about for the past 3 years. So while I don't think institutional misandry is real, or anything, while I don't think women are at fault for being annoyed with how shitty we can be, I do definitely think prejudice is real and I think it's dished out rather unfairly and uncritically.

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satyrcon · 1 month ago

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it's december again!!!!! AH!!!!!!!!

well, this hell year is finally over. I think the biggest lesson I learned this year, is that even when you achieve everything you wished for, it still will never be enough.

not in a bad, or in an ungrateful way. but moreso that eventually, once you reach your destination, you'll eventually want to move onward and upward. things can change. they will change. and you just have to go with it.

this year has been equally exhausting and liminal. there were multiple times this year where months just blurred past, with not much to show for it. i've been a busy little bee at work, which is fine and dandy, but nothing really to show for it, which has been a bit heartbreaking. i pour so much time and energy and thoughts into work, i've forgotten who i am a bit.

i've been work-oriented my entire life. i knew i didn't come from riches, and in a way, i've always felt extremely insecure about it. i remember the ferocity i chased my first job with. not because i wanted to work, but because i wanted to earn. i wanted the security that if i wanted something, i could get it, without feeling guilty for asking my parents, who i've grown weary of even thinking about asking for money. every single job i've had, i've kept at it not for status, but for the ability to say that i can afford what i want.

but, ever since the pandemic, i've started to want more. it's not just enough to have a job, but now it's about the status, it's about what i do and how i do it, it's about income too. not so much about being able to afford the basics, but to afford independence.

when i first got this job in 2023, it felt like winning the lottery. now, i'm feeling a little bankrupt and world weary. i don't know if i still like it. i dont know if i have a future in it. i don't know much about anything. and it scares me a bit.

things at work have been tough since the beginning of the year. nothing too dramatic, but enough to leave a sour taste in my mouth. my confidence is near 0. but i have to keep pushing.

outside of work though, i'd like to think i've made some good progress.

after literally 10 years, i finally bit the bullet and i got my full drivers license. i haven't driven much since, and honestly, the idea of me driving alone makes me feel sick. but i feel at ease knowing that i have it. who knows, maybe this will change and i'll actually end up getting a car.

i've also started investing my money as opposed to just letting it sit idle in my bank. which feels good, even though i barely understand it all.

then, weirdly enough, i'm on the way to owning a home with my boyfriend. which is crazy to think about. he's the longest relationship i've ever had. and honestly, i feel like such an idiot when i think about the people who i've seen before. of all the circumstances i was in, where i should have left, or should have said something, but didn't. but that's a different story, for a different day, if i ever care enough to go into detail.

back to the home, i thought this would be something that couldnt happen to me. i thought i'd never be able to. but, the possibility keeps making itself more and more possible. i'm scared, but excited.

i think what has stopped my growth has been the fact that i still live in my childhood home. not that i have strict parents or anything, but it has the same effect as a security blanket. why would i leave? why would i ever work hard? why have goals?

sometimes i forget how old i am, i just turned 27. and it scares me sometimes, because i know i am extremely soft. and since the pandemic, developmentally, not much has happened, in fact, i've waned in a lot of ways. and i think the best way for me to face it, is to leave the nest, even if it will sting.

overall, 2024 was a mundane year. not much change. i'm still me, just a little bit older.

i really hope though that things will look up and change for me next year. that i make an effort to create more memories and to have more fun. to try new things and really take everything that comes my way.

that sounds really cliche lol. but that's how i feel.

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sollucets · 9 months ago

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get to know me tag

as tagged by @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, and @troubled-mind! thank u everyone 💜🥰

do you make your bed? literally never!

what's your favourite number? 52. i picked it as a child and i don't remember why, but it pleases me still

what is your job? i'm a humble lil grocery store employee

if you could go back to school, would you? if i could quit my job and go to school and still have my same money, then yes, i should think so, but that's super not happening! it might be nice to have a second degree. i think history would be fun

can you parallel park? yes i can! i used to have to do it every day to park in front of my last house. >:c

a job you had that would surprise people? i think all of my jobs have been either rather generic or right on the nose for what people would expect of me so probably not. i was a nighttime gas station attendant for a fair bit of college, which could be a surprise i guess? everyone always goes ":0 but werent you scared????" and like, no, not most of the time, but sometimes you do it scared yknow

do you think aliens are real? yes, but real in a way that there are many real things i can't see and don't understand (protons, gender, etc)

can you drive a manual car? i could do that once and probably still can, but it's been a long long time since i practiced

what's your guilty pleasure? as far as media goes, i do my very best not to have things like this. if i feel bad about liking it i generally do not like it for very long. i would say the closest is being into kpop, but it's not like i keep that a secret, i just dont really want to engage with kpop fandom, so i dont often post or talk about it publicly. a real guilty pleasure is that i like cherry pepsi too much

tattoos? i have one; he's on my left forearm & he's an abstract little spaceman with a fern for a head. i call him my cosmonaut. i have plans for more but i never have the time or money lately

favorite color? we know this one already surely. 💜

favorite type of music? ohh, i don't like to discriminate hehe. my very favoritest songs usually have fun harmony or funky rhythms, though, and it's best if i can sing along

do you like puzzles? sure! i used to have a book of fairy puzzles when i was a kid that i love dearly even now

any phobias? i am afraid of all bugs, but i can be a grownup about most kinds of them. i Cannot be a grownup about moths or centipedes, which i am terrified of (using those words will cause this post to be filtered for me on tumblr). i try not to kill them if i can avoid it, since it isnt their fault i'm like this, but i,,, i really can't, i'm useless if i see one. when id find centipedes in my room at my last house i wouldnt be able to sleep.

favorite childhood sport? i did tennis all of middle and high school, explicitly because of ryoma echizen prince of tennis lol. i was on varsity! i also figure skated as a kid. both are still fun when i get the chance

do you talk to yourself? oh yes all the time. i keep odd hours so i used to accidentally wake my roommate cause i just kind of absentmindedly chatter abt everything

what movies do you adore? i am not really a movie person if i'm perfectly honest; i don't watch them often as an adult. from my childhood my favorite movies were kenneth branagh much ado about nothing, the princess bride, pokemon 2000, and return of the king

coffee or tea? neither, i dont like most hot drinks. apple cider is ok now and again but i usually drink it cold, and im horribly picky about hot chocolate

first thing you wanted to be growing up? i changed this answer all the time as a kid and i have records of me doing so in my old notebooks lol! answers i know about include "pilot", "author", "dragon", and "eowyn"

this one seems like it might be a little personal so im shy to tag people hehe. go ahead and put me down if you want to do it though; i will be happy to know :)

#rowan lore

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chenkari · 19 days ago

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depression whatever

im not sure what to do, i can only pay this month's student loan, then i'm out of money :^) I literally feel like I can't survive working my current job anymore. I've been looking for a new job, but there isn't much up here. I'm hoping the money i get from christmas will be able to cover one more month. I was trying to save what money I had but Venus's vet bill ate up a good chunk of money.

in general i've also just been so depressed. i just can't fucking do anything. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know what i need to do to be happy. i'm so miserable. i cry every day and i dont know how to stop. I really miss my house. It's like. I have the feeling of wanting to "go home" but there is no home to return to. Once again, I am thankful that my parents are letting me live with them, but this has taken such a huge toll on me.

I was in a therapy group a while ago, and back then my parents were talking about moving, but they said that we would probably move in 2 years. I was comforted by what someone had said, they said that I would probably be a different person in two years. I felt like I would have time to brace myself and come to terms with moving or something. Instead we moved not even a year later. I feel like. Idk. Robbed, in a way. Like I was supposed to have two more years at my home but I didn't get that. Tbh, regardless if we had stayed two years or not, I would probably still be feeling really upset upon moving. But maybe by then I would have been more stable. I don't know.

My friend group has a friend visiting town rn and I would have liked to have gone down and hung out with them already, but it's such a long drive I feel like I should only make one visit down there to save on gas. They also went to the mall and ouuugh i wanted to go so bad but I shouldn't be eating out or anything right now. I think when I do get to see them, it will be good for me because I've been feeling really isolated and alone lately.

#shut up chenkari

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back2bluesidex · 2 months ago

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Idk if this is something you’d want to read but after reading your post about being lonely, i definitely feel the same way 😅 albeit probably a little different. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this feeling so i thought maybe i’d share this. I just started a seasonal job in retail at 22, ive never had a “real job” because since i was 14 i was considered the “family babysitter” & once i turned 16 i kept applying for jobs so i didnt have to keep babysitting, nothing worked out because i was always met with “you need more experience “ & i kept getting that until i was 20 (when i just gave up & accepted I’ll probably be a babysitter for family/family friends forever 🥲). Ive only really been surrounded by kids & family, my mom took me out of highschool in my 1st year because she hated the public school system & decided to “homeschool” (which was go get my ged at 18), so i never got to experience the highschool life & friends, i was pretty isolated. Aside from getting rejected from jobs constantly, i wasnt able to go to college after either because it was too much money & that “nobody would be at home watching kids”. So ive just constantly felt very alone & whenever i would mention it i was met with things like “dont be selfish. you should be thankful youre not out there in the world, it’s evil” etc etc. Along with the fact i dont know how to drive, i had a huge fear whenever i was 15/16 so i never learned then but when i was 18 i didnt have that anymore & wanted to. I was constantly trying to get people to teach me, but no one would and driving school costs a ton which i didnt have bc no paying job. That added on to that feeling & i kept feeling behind

So fast forward to now at 22, i was finally able to get a seasonal job at victorias secret and nov 4 was my first training day. I still have that feeling & now im just stressed about everything. They immediately put me on cash register & very vaguely explained things to me, so i wasnt the best when trying to check people out & i know in retail you’ll get horrible customers sometimes and that’s literally all i got. I was so overwhelmed & i did accidentally mess up someone’s change (which was fixed!) so i had them screaming at me 2 hours in my first training day. And i cant stop thinking about how inadequate i felt during that & that whole day really. I would get judgmental looks from the other workers when i would ask questions, because ive never done anything like this before. I kept getting looked at like i was stupid for not knowing things & that messed with me (still is). I dont think itll be like that entire time im there, im hoping at least.

And i still dont know how to drive, i tried once this year from my older sister but she started grabbing the wheel when i was trying to drive because she panicked (i was going in a straight line in a empty parking lot) & stated she’s never trying to teach me again. My younger cousins learned how, have their license and new cars already & i hate that i feel jealous and angry about it because it is family, but everyone who helped them constantly told me they couldn’t with me year ago & still now. I get subtle remarks of “your cousins can drive already/youre 22 & relying on others to drive you” etc. (they also all have jobs already & not a seasonal one like me) But yeah, i feel so alone & inadequate at literally everything, have for years. Breakdown all the time because i have no clue on what to do & i have no one to talk to about it.

Rant over, sorry for how long it is, im probably being dramatic too, there are people who have it worse than i do 😅 but yeah, i get that feeling! I do hope you feel better better about it 🫶🏻🤎

Don't say sorry! It's alright. Rather I am glad that you found me and my blog safe enough to share your troubles with.

and let me tell you that you are just 22. You still have a whole lot of time ahead to make money, to learn driving, to make friends, to enjoy life and do everything you want to do.

Don't ever think you are late or that time is slipping away from your clutches! It's not.

I am 25 and I can't even cook. Can you believe it? a 25 year old woman who can't even fry an egg properly while cooking is a basic survival skill? my friends can make a whole feast if they want to and I only know how to boil some instant noodles. At times this made me feel like an inferior too but no, none of us are inferior to one another because what I can't do - you can and what you can't do - I can. we are all lacking and it's okay.

Also, if those people made you feel like a fool just because they didn't train you properly then it's their fault, not yours. when you start working you need to learn one thing that is to make you skin thick. It's only you who needs to know the truth - that it's not your fault - and the rest of the world can go fuck off.

and what if you did some mistakes? we all are allowed to do so. mistakes are the only way we get to learn, isn't it?

So, please, darling. Cheer up! You have a ton of time to buy that car or get that job or tell people to fuck off when they ask you to watch their kids. Things aren't over yet. You are doing good. You will do even better tomorrow and one day you will be the best! I believe in you and I am proud of you!

even though I know we are basically strangers but just know this person right here, an elder sister to you, will always be proud of you no matter what!

if you want to talk, slide into my inbox any time. I will always welcome you!

Love you!! 💕💕💕💕

P.S: You should have charged for those babysitting sessions.

P.S.S: I, too, don't know how to drive. LMAO!

#nika's askbox #sweet anon!!!#don't worry you have a ton of time ahead!

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crayonurchin · 9 months ago

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im 23 and you won’t CATCH me at a club but here are some questions i ask myself when im considering saying no to plans: what about this sounds stressful? will i be able to get quiet time or even *leave* if i am not enjoying myself? are there people with me who recognize when i’m not having fun who will check in with me? will i be able to access what i need to regulate (food, water, meds, whatever) during the event? <- these usually give me a much better idea of why i dont want to go and if i should push through. if it sounds mid, i dont know anyone, and cant leave, im not gonna even try. best of luck !!

Okay this is legit really good advice, and thank you for it <3

I already have security in leaving because I don't drink, so at any point I could drive home. And I do think that some of the aesthetics would be fun.

But staying up SO late, paying a fair bit of money, wearing uncomfortable clothes, blasting lights but also really dark and (big thing for me) music I don't like, are all parts of it.

Also people get mad emotional at these things I find, and I don't want to be around drunk crying or shouting or over-affection or- any of it.

Thank you for reminding me to use 'grounding' questions. Still got some wobbly emotions about it but that's okay, I prefer a wobble to a spiral <3

#my nuggets are cooked <3 #the group offered for me to hang out before they go to the event #and as much as my anxiety wants me to not go I think I will #that's a boundary push I feel ready to try #and when they leave I'll have something planned I can do that's fun #hey guys?#if the emotions get a bit too emotiony #eat a plate of oven chips and nuggets #not high end cooking but at least it's food #thank you kind anon xxx I appreciate you taking the time to write that

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lilyliveredlittlerichboy · 1 year ago

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3 weeks today of not smoking weed. good progress but i still miss it honestly there are few situations that wouldnt be improved by a fat spliff. but also not smoking has improved my life a lot (improvements under the cut) and i dont wanna go back

a lot of the anxiety around smoking is just. gone.

dont have to worry about coordinating smokes with partner

dont have to worry about getting weed getting baccy n papers

dont have to worry about DRIVING!!!! ohmy god my ability to drive whenever tf i want has increased dramatically

dont have to worry about going out and missing a smoke or several

or what time im gonna be back and am i gonna have upset feelings if my partners just had one

i have more energy to do things and resting is an active choice now rather than just being sofabound for half an hour + every time after smoking

my appetite has not suffered as much as i feared it would. its fine actually

i dont stink of smoke all the time now hurrahh

i have dreams again!!! i feel like its not much talked about how much weed can suppress your dreams

saving the moneys (using the moneys we save to pay off overdue bills hurray)

more energy!! iknow ive said this before but i have more time and energy to play with my cats and play my guitar its honeslty blessed

allllsooooo we may have convinced some other ppl to give up smoking. not like actively or anything they just saw our journey and progress and decided maybe theyll try it as well. which is great

also were gonna be a positive statistic in the nhs wales stop smoking service which will encourage them to continue doing it honestly the outside accountability/validation has been sooooo good ngl

anyway i feel like some things arent talked about enough such as that weed can be addictive. yeah the weed part not even the tobacco. weed is a gateway drug to tobacco imo. and the nicotine withdrawals were super not that bad but the not being able to smoke when stressed??? much more impact tbh its probably less a physiological dependence and more psychological but absolutely the addiction was there. and i can still feel it. its going down tho. just like my risk of heart disease and lung cancer. hurray

its honestly a relief to be rid of it after a solid 5 or 6 or maybe even 7??? years of smoking almost daily. its great to be in a stable position where we dont need it as much. its good to feel the positive effects now

#i need a tag for my own rambles #drugs cw #quitting smoking

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oncominggstorm · 1 year ago

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Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.

Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.

Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.

Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.

Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.

Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.

Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.

Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.

On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.

Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.

#will probably delete this later but rn feel stuck & DESPERATE for help/ideas/suggestions #vent #autism #adhd #rant #beth posts

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