#and i also still am not able to drive and i dont have money to get the bus or anything and Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[alamari-chibi]

life is so weird

[xviruserrorx]

I really hate having to depend on people to get very very important things done

[arovalentines]

its so cool how lucky i am

[patchdotexe]

HOO BOY I AM HAVING. A DAY.

so . last night after finishing the animation, literally like 2 hours later, my laptop shut off and would not reboot. would not even show the "i am plugged in" indicator light. switched outlets, nothing. figured maybe it overheated bc it used to do that, so i let it cool off, aaaand nothing. went to bed. woke up this morning, still dead.

turns out the motherboard is fried. it's way too expensive to replace, so... metallix is dead. thankfully the local pc repair guy is able to back everything up to my external drive, and in fact has done this before Last time i had a laptop with a suddenly-dead motherboard, but there's a high chance that i've lost some stuff... including all of my minecraft save data. all of my screenshots from the various servers ive been on, potentially all of the world downloads i had (i may have moved those to my external to free up space, i dont remember), but most importantly: the savefile i was using to record my series that i was planning to get back to once things were a bit less stressful irl and i had less projects.

(i also may have lost all of my davinci resolve projects. i dont know where that data is stored. that also stings, but if i have the artwork still-- which i should-- then i can redo them bc the wips were all in early sketch animatic stage.)

the good news: i am currently borrowing my mom's pc to be able to make this post, bc otherwise i've been on mobile all day and it is kind of killing me. better news: i have a backup laptop exactly for the purpose of "something has happened to my main one". less better news: that backup laptop got water damage a while ago and im only now getting it repaired. thankfully it can be repaired, and while its pricey its at least something i can cover.

im stressed out. today has been a bit of a mess between running back and forth between home and the pc guy, being super frazzled over money and what is and isnt worth trying to save, the terror of maybe not being able to save things, and praying that all of my art is recoverable (it should be).

so, uh, that's where i've been today.

[crguang]

ahajsksbywpqp sat guess who has 2 tests in the same week in the same class next week. Not very fun for me. anyway I was think abt Kafka (honestly when am I not is the real question). See if it wasn’t Kafka in ur au and I was r I would definitely turn her in for the money, but I unfortunately think I might like Kafka just like a little bit ig so I don’t think k would be able to do that .

Reread part 3 today is her fingers twitching bc she wants to shoot something or is it just bc Kafka and her fingers. Ok thats not what I meant but also…what I meant was that she works with her fingers a lot I wish she used them on me instrument, guns, etc. we still haven’t gotten an in game Kafka appearance w an actual violin, it probably won’t happen but I’m still holding out. And she’s the highest threat level possible for a criminal but she STILL commits petty theft. She is so I saw someone say that the stellaron hunters were all siblings, Kafka and blade are like the older siblings that have to drive/pay for everything, silver wolf is the gamer (so original) and firefly is the youngest. Wish they had more in game interactions, or like they had synergy, meta wise, since canonically they’re one of the most tight knit groups.

oh also your inbox must be full as fuck so it’s fine if you don’t reply to everything, esp bc you answer a lot of stuff, and even tho someone already said this ur rlly great to talk to ur thoughts are always more coherent than mine. And we all get to simp over hot fictional women together.

ngl I might start playing ptn, like I’ve been seeing screenshots and…wow, I don’t think I have enough storage tho. I think the two types of characters I usually like are tiny mentally ill ones and hot evil women, so…

im so sorry my messages are always so long btw, I keep rambling 😭

-🌠

aaaa study well and good luck for your tests!!! hope you get a good grade and if u dint i will hack i to your prof’s computer and change it for you

im with you entirely, if it was anyone else in that story i wouldve already called the cops LMFAOOO kafka gets privileges because shes hot and my fav unfortunately… for the finger thing, i think its just one of her quirks! in her idle she mimics playing the violin and like you said she has very dexterous hands (even mentions it in a voice line) so i think she’d absentmindedly move them around when her mind is elsewhere. this is the kind of overthinking i was talking about, when i map out a character in my head i think about the most irrelevant stuff that dont matter😭 but imo they add to her charm a little and make her a rounder character, idk. AND YES i love that her crimes go from suicide inducement to petty theft shes so ridiculous hfjfhdhfj that time in her character story where she just walked in a store and took clothes off the rack then left in front of everyone… shes funny as hell😭

i see the SH as family too! silver wolf and firefly are sisters to me, and both of them are def kafka’s little sisters. i think silver wolf is the youngest though, she even gives off sassy youngest child vibes. i wish they could work together too, having them all in one team would be so nice. but it’s also cool that each of them has a speciality, it makes sense for the work they do

my inbox is full i think i have around 70 asks rn…😭 but to be fair a lot of them are veryyy old i just havent gotten around to cleaning up my blog yet, i’ll do it at the same time i change my masterlist and actually make it pretty to look at. i usually try to click on notifs as soon as i see them but like i said, i just forget to type my answers </3

and omg. anon. if your type is mentally ill and hot evil women ptn is literally the game for you. there is an abundance of mentally ill women in there, trust me… like there’s every kind of character you could want in that game— you could give me a specific type and i could find you a character that matches it, you should definitely play. and if you do, do it before the second anniversary ends (starts around mid/late-october) bc trust me you are gonna be upset if you miss shalom :/

dont worry abt ramblingggg i love talking to u and answering every point it’s really nice!!

[runthepockets]

abt your men being proverbially shit on post: i mean i agree sorta, bioessentialism is unhelpful and hurtful, and rn you see a lot of shit from cis women abt how men cant help but be bad people etc. and that kinda shit is not helpful at all. but i agree w the person who replied to that post too. i mean i wouldnt make a joke like "i hate men" to a dude's face bc it's unhelpful in the same way i wouldn't say i hate white people to a random white person's face, but like. yknow? i dont know specifically what example you're thinking of but i would pretty confidently say there IS a difference between how women talk abt men and how men talk abt women. i agree that it's unhelpful for them and YOURSELF to genuinely earnestly think men are genetically unable to be better bc it just. isn't true. but i would definitely say misogyny and "i hate men" are different. again though idk what example you're using here, but just like... when i walk around as a woman, and even when i walk around as a man, i see like every third guy talkin crazy shit on how Fundamentally Different women are from men and women are This horrible thing and women are That horrible thing and women Can't Help But Be Crazy and when i talk to women all i get are "well he's a man. he's stupid." and usually that doesn't read as bioessentialism, it reads as tiredness from dealing with misogyny all the time. so i agree to an extent, bioessentialism is an issue, and all the "feminine energy astrology balanced by male aggressiveness and men can't help but be stupid people because their brains are wired differently" are contributing to a worsening of some kind, but also i don't know that i'm seeing more manhate than i am misogyny, still to this day, and i am able to opporate socially as both a man and a woman so i see both sides pretty frequently. i feel like you have a specific example you're thinking of that i don't know, because all i can think of are the times i've personally seen men freak out and do shitty stuff because they know a woman who doesn't feel safe around men that they are close to, and both are really horrible about communication, which is a two part thing and a lot more complicated than just random negativity

I don't think I said manhate is more common than misogyny, and I'm sorry if I did because that's not really what I was going for. The point of that post was more to point out the hypocrisy of taking low blows at men while women doing the same thing gets crickets and tumbleweeds. Maybe you haven't experienced this, but I certainly have as a man. Just as there's things I can do that are easier for me to get away with as a dude, there are things chicks can get away with easier than I ever could.

I don't really think the way different genders talk about each other is that different, pre transition I heard women talk crazy shit about dudes, about how we can't control our sex drives and how we're useless if we don't make enough money, and tbh I don't really see how "he can't help being dumb and useless, he's a man" is any less of a meanspirited generalization than "she can't help being oversensitive and hysterical, she's a woman." It's both generalizing stereotypes that are, on some level, hurtful to the demographic they're being hurled at. There's plenty of men who have greivances with abusive and shitty women and we (RE: LEFTIST SPACES) don't let them speak poorly of women, so why is it ok in these same spaces to let women say whatever just cus of their trauma? It's like you say, respect is a two way street. I'm not listening to anyone who makes blind assumptions about me because of my gender and presentation.

I'm going to parrot my friend's reply as well: I don't think a lot of this is "just venting", I don't think making generalizations and saying cruel things about 50% of the population exists in a vaccuum. And even if it did, I still think I'm allowed to say "hey, it hurts my feelings when you say I'm dumb and useless", because at the end of the day you can't deny feelings.

I'm glad you don't say shitty things about men to their faces, but women have done those things to me so you can't speak for all of them. I've been called a moid and told I wouldn't get respect until I "stopped raping and killing women and children" even though I've never put my hands on a woman or child in any way that could be described as anything short of "platonic and consensual". I've been told that I'm not allowed to feel hurt and upset when women verbally abuse me because women are saints who can do no wrong, because they're lower on the social pecking order than me, because other men are nasty and cruel so I have to suck it up and take one for the team. I think people only think this stuff is "harmless venting" because they don't actually realize how biased their perceptions of men and masculinity are. I've had many trans men who can testify to my experiences word for word going as far back as the 70s in the very queer and feminist spaces that I've been bitching about for the past 3 years. So while I don't think institutional misandry is real, or anything, while I don't think women are at fault for being annoyed with how shitty we can be, I do definitely think prejudice is real and I think it's dished out rather unfairly and uncritically.

[satyrcon]

it's december again!!!!! AH!!!!!!!!

well, this hell year is finally over. I think the biggest lesson I learned this year, is that even when you achieve everything you wished for, it still will never be enough.

not in a bad, or in an ungrateful way. but moreso that eventually, once you reach your destination, you'll eventually want to move onward and upward. things can change. they will change. and you just have to go with it.

this year has been equally exhausting and liminal. there were multiple times this year where months just blurred past, with not much to show for it. i've been a busy little bee at work, which is fine and dandy, but nothing really to show for it, which has been a bit heartbreaking. i pour so much time and energy and thoughts into work, i've forgotten who i am a bit.

i've been work-oriented my entire life. i knew i didn't come from riches, and in a way, i've always felt extremely insecure about it. i remember the ferocity i chased my first job with. not because i wanted to work, but because i wanted to earn. i wanted the security that if i wanted something, i could get it, without feeling guilty for asking my parents, who i've grown weary of even thinking about asking for money. every single job i've had, i've kept at it not for status, but for the ability to say that i can afford what i want.

but, ever since the pandemic, i've started to want more. it's not just enough to have a job, but now it's about the status, it's about what i do and how i do it, it's about income too. not so much about being able to afford the basics, but to afford independence.

when i first got this job in 2023, it felt like winning the lottery. now, i'm feeling a little bankrupt and world weary. i don't know if i still like it. i dont know if i have a future in it. i don't know much about anything. and it scares me a bit.

things at work have been tough since the beginning of the year. nothing too dramatic, but enough to leave a sour taste in my mouth. my confidence is near 0. but i have to keep pushing.

outside of work though, i'd like to think i've made some good progress.

after literally 10 years, i finally bit the bullet and i got my full drivers license. i haven't driven much since, and honestly, the idea of me driving alone makes me feel sick. but i feel at ease knowing that i have it. who knows, maybe this will change and i'll actually end up getting a car.

i've also started investing my money as opposed to just letting it sit idle in my bank. which feels good, even though i barely understand it all.

then, weirdly enough, i'm on the way to owning a home with my boyfriend. which is crazy to think about. he's the longest relationship i've ever had. and honestly, i feel like such an idiot when i think about the people who i've seen before. of all the circumstances i was in, where i should have left, or should have said something, but didn't. but that's a different story, for a different day, if i ever care enough to go into detail.

back to the home, i thought this would be something that couldnt happen to me. i thought i'd never be able to. but, the possibility keeps making itself more and more possible. i'm scared, but excited.

i think what has stopped my growth has been the fact that i still live in my childhood home. not that i have strict parents or anything, but it has the same effect as a security blanket. why would i leave? why would i ever work hard? why have goals?

sometimes i forget how old i am, i just turned 27. and it scares me sometimes, because i know i am extremely soft. and since the pandemic, developmentally, not much has happened, in fact, i've waned in a lot of ways. and i think the best way for me to face it, is to leave the nest, even if it will sting.

overall, 2024 was a mundane year. not much change. i'm still me, just a little bit older.

i really hope though that things will look up and change for me next year. that i make an effort to create more memories and to have more fun. to try new things and really take everything that comes my way.

that sounds really cliche lol. but that's how i feel.

[leekiings]

i wish i got paid more and/or had the luxury of being able to pay rent with one paycheck and not having to worry about how i'm getting to work still. i hate not having a car and it's my own fault for not my getting a license cause im turning 27, but driving is the one thing i refuse to do. it's so nerve-wracking. and even if i DID get my license, how am i supposed to save for a car.

i like my job to an extent but i can't afford to keep spending $400 month to just GET to work and pay $600 for rent on top of that AND my other bills. and i would ask for less hours so i don't have to spend so much to get to work but then i don't make money, and then i can't pay rent! i can't get a second job because how would i get to the second job lmao.

im trying my best, but the poor stay poor and no matter how much i budget, something comes up. there's not a day where i dont spend money cause capitalism. but also like. i feel like im just working to pay bills and im just so burnt out. im tired of looking for jobs. im tired of stressing about money

[sollucets]

get to know me tag

as tagged by @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, and @troubled-mind! thank u everyone 💜🥰

do you make your bed? literally never!

what's your favourite number? 52. i picked it as a child and i don't remember why, but it pleases me still

what is your job? i'm a humble lil grocery store employee

if you could go back to school, would you? if i could quit my job and go to school and still have my same money, then yes, i should think so, but that's super not happening! it might be nice to have a second degree. i think history would be fun

can you parallel park? yes i can! i used to have to do it every day to park in front of my last house. >:c

a job you had that would surprise people? i think all of my jobs have been either rather generic or right on the nose for what people would expect of me so probably not. i was a nighttime gas station attendant for a fair bit of college, which could be a surprise i guess? everyone always goes ":0 but werent you scared????" and like, no, not most of the time, but sometimes you do it scared yknow

do you think aliens are real? yes, but real in a way that there are many real things i can't see and don't understand (protons, gender, etc)

can you drive a manual car? i could do that once and probably still can, but it's been a long long time since i practiced

what's your guilty pleasure? as far as media goes, i do my very best not to have things like this. if i feel bad about liking it i generally do not like it for very long. i would say the closest is being into kpop, but it's not like i keep that a secret, i just dont really want to engage with kpop fandom, so i dont often post or talk about it publicly. a real guilty pleasure is that i like cherry pepsi too much

tattoos? i have one; he's on my left forearm & he's an abstract little spaceman with a fern for a head. i call him my cosmonaut. i have plans for more but i never have the time or money lately

favorite color? we know this one already surely. 💜

favorite type of music? ohh, i don't like to discriminate hehe. my very favoritest songs usually have fun harmony or funky rhythms, though, and it's best if i can sing along

do you like puzzles? sure! i used to have a book of fairy puzzles when i was a kid that i love dearly even now

any phobias? i am afraid of all bugs, but i can be a grownup about most kinds of them. i Cannot be a grownup about moths or centipedes, which i am terrified of (using those words will cause this post to be filtered for me on tumblr). i try not to kill them if i can avoid it, since it isnt their fault i'm like this, but i,,, i really can't, i'm useless if i see one. when id find centipedes in my room at my last house i wouldnt be able to sleep.

favorite childhood sport? i did tennis all of middle and high school, explicitly because of ryoma echizen prince of tennis lol. i was on varsity! i also figure skated as a kid. both are still fun when i get the chance

do you talk to yourself? oh yes all the time. i keep odd hours so i used to accidentally wake my roommate cause i just kind of absentmindedly chatter abt everything

what movies do you adore? i am not really a movie person if i'm perfectly honest; i don't watch them often as an adult. from my childhood my favorite movies were kenneth branagh much ado about nothing, the princess bride, pokemon 2000, and return of the king

coffee or tea? neither, i dont like most hot drinks. apple cider is ok now and again but i usually drink it cold, and im horribly picky about hot chocolate

first thing you wanted to be growing up? i changed this answer all the time as a kid and i have records of me doing so in my old notebooks lol! answers i know about include "pilot", "author", "dragon", and "eowyn"

this one seems like it might be a little personal so im shy to tag people hehe. go ahead and put me down if you want to do it though; i will be happy to know :)

[chenkari]

depression whatever

im not sure what to do, i can only pay this month's student loan, then i'm out of money :^) I literally feel like I can't survive working my current job anymore. I've been looking for a new job, but there isn't much up here. I'm hoping the money i get from christmas will be able to cover one more month. I was trying to save what money I had but Venus's vet bill ate up a good chunk of money.

in general i've also just been so depressed. i just can't fucking do anything. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know what i need to do to be happy. i'm so miserable. i cry every day and i dont know how to stop. I really miss my house. It's like. I have the feeling of wanting to "go home" but there is no home to return to. Once again, I am thankful that my parents are letting me live with them, but this has taken such a huge toll on me.

I was in a therapy group a while ago, and back then my parents were talking about moving, but they said that we would probably move in 2 years. I was comforted by what someone had said, they said that I would probably be a different person in two years. I felt like I would have time to brace myself and come to terms with moving or something. Instead we moved not even a year later. I feel like. Idk. Robbed, in a way. Like I was supposed to have two more years at my home but I didn't get that. Tbh, regardless if we had stayed two years or not, I would probably still be feeling really upset upon moving. But maybe by then I would have been more stable. I don't know.

My friend group has a friend visiting town rn and I would have liked to have gone down and hung out with them already, but it's such a long drive I feel like I should only make one visit down there to save on gas. They also went to the mall and ouuugh i wanted to go so bad but I shouldn't be eating out or anything right now. I think when I do get to see them, it will be good for me because I've been feeling really isolated and alone lately.

[back2bluesidex]

Idk if this is something you’d want to read but after reading your post about being lonely, i definitely feel the same way 😅 albeit probably a little different. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this feeling so i thought maybe i’d share this. I just started a seasonal job in retail at 22, ive never had a “real job” because since i was 14 i was considered the “family babysitter” & once i turned 16 i kept applying for jobs so i didnt have to keep babysitting, nothing worked out because i was always met with “you need more experience “ & i kept getting that until i was 20 (when i just gave up & accepted I’ll probably be a babysitter for family/family friends forever 🥲). Ive only really been surrounded by kids & family, my mom took me out of highschool in my 1st year because she hated the public school system & decided to “homeschool” (which was go get my ged at 18), so i never got to experience the highschool life & friends, i was pretty isolated. Aside from getting rejected from jobs constantly, i wasnt able to go to college after either because it was too much money & that “nobody would be at home watching kids”. So ive just constantly felt very alone & whenever i would mention it i was met with things like “dont be selfish. you should be thankful youre not out there in the world, it’s evil” etc etc. Along with the fact i dont know how to drive, i had a huge fear whenever i was 15/16 so i never learned then but when i was 18 i didnt have that anymore & wanted to. I was constantly trying to get people to teach me, but no one would and driving school costs a ton which i didnt have bc no paying job. That added on to that feeling & i kept feeling behind

So fast forward to now at 22, i was finally able to get a seasonal job at victorias secret and nov 4 was my first training day. I still have that feeling & now im just stressed about everything. They immediately put me on cash register & very vaguely explained things to me, so i wasnt the best when trying to check people out & i know in retail you’ll get horrible customers sometimes and that’s literally all i got. I was so overwhelmed & i did accidentally mess up someone’s change (which was fixed!) so i had them screaming at me 2 hours in my first training day. And i cant stop thinking about how inadequate i felt during that & that whole day really. I would get judgmental looks from the other workers when i would ask questions, because ive never done anything like this before. I kept getting looked at like i was stupid for not knowing things & that messed with me (still is). I dont think itll be like that entire time im there, im hoping at least.

And i still dont know how to drive, i tried once this year from my older sister but she started grabbing the wheel when i was trying to drive because she panicked (i was going in a straight line in a empty parking lot) & stated she’s never trying to teach me again. My younger cousins learned how, have their license and new cars already & i hate that i feel jealous and angry about it because it is family, but everyone who helped them constantly told me they couldn’t with me year ago & still now. I get subtle remarks of “your cousins can drive already/youre 22 & relying on others to drive you” etc. (they also all have jobs already & not a seasonal one like me) But yeah, i feel so alone & inadequate at literally everything, have for years. Breakdown all the time because i have no clue on what to do & i have no one to talk to about it.

Rant over, sorry for how long it is, im probably being dramatic too, there are people who have it worse than i do 😅 but yeah, i get that feeling! I do hope you feel better better about it 🫶🏻🤎

Don't say sorry! It's alright. Rather I am glad that you found me and my blog safe enough to share your troubles with.

and let me tell you that you are just 22. You still have a whole lot of time ahead to make money, to learn driving, to make friends, to enjoy life and do everything you want to do.

Don't ever think you are late or that time is slipping away from your clutches! It's not.

I am 25 and I can't even cook. Can you believe it? a 25 year old woman who can't even fry an egg properly while cooking is a basic survival skill? my friends can make a whole feast if they want to and I only know how to boil some instant noodles. At times this made me feel like an inferior too but no, none of us are inferior to one another because what I can't do - you can and what you can't do - I can. we are all lacking and it's okay.

Also, if those people made you feel like a fool just because they didn't train you properly then it's their fault, not yours. when you start working you need to learn one thing that is to make you skin thick. It's only you who needs to know the truth - that it's not your fault - and the rest of the world can go fuck off.

and what if you did some mistakes? we all are allowed to do so. mistakes are the only way we get to learn, isn't it?

So, please, darling. Cheer up! You have a ton of time to buy that car or get that job or tell people to fuck off when they ask you to watch their kids. Things aren't over yet. You are doing good. You will do even better tomorrow and one day you will be the best! I believe in you and I am proud of you!

even though I know we are basically strangers but just know this person right here, an elder sister to you, will always be proud of you no matter what!

if you want to talk, slide into my inbox any time. I will always welcome you!

Love you!! 💕💕💕💕

P.S: You should have charged for those babysitting sessions.

P.S.S: I, too, don't know how to drive. LMAO!

[crayonurchin]

im 23 and you won’t CATCH me at a club but here are some questions i ask myself when im considering saying no to plans: what about this sounds stressful? will i be able to get quiet time or even *leave* if i am not enjoying myself? are there people with me who recognize when i’m not having fun who will check in with me? will i be able to access what i need to regulate (food, water, meds, whatever) during the event? <- these usually give me a much better idea of why i dont want to go and if i should push through. if it sounds mid, i dont know anyone, and cant leave, im not gonna even try. best of luck !!

Okay this is legit really good advice, and thank you for it <3

I already have security in leaving because I don't drink, so at any point I could drive home. And I do think that some of the aesthetics would be fun.

But staying up SO late, paying a fair bit of money, wearing uncomfortable clothes, blasting lights but also really dark and (big thing for me) music I don't like, are all parts of it.

Also people get mad emotional at these things I find, and I don't want to be around drunk crying or shouting or over-affection or- any of it.

Thank you for reminding me to use 'grounding' questions. Still got some wobbly emotions about it but that's okay, I prefer a wobble to a spiral <3

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

3 weeks today of not smoking weed. good progress but i still miss it honestly there are few situations that wouldnt be improved by a fat spliff. but also not smoking has improved my life a lot (improvements under the cut) and i dont wanna go back

a lot of the anxiety around smoking is just. gone.

dont have to worry about coordinating smokes with partner

dont have to worry about getting weed getting baccy n papers

dont have to worry about DRIVING!!!! ohmy god my ability to drive whenever tf i want has increased dramatically

dont have to worry about going out and missing a smoke or several

or what time im gonna be back and am i gonna have upset feelings if my partners just had one

i have more energy to do things and resting is an active choice now rather than just being sofabound for half an hour + every time after smoking

my appetite has not suffered as much as i feared it would. its fine actually

i dont stink of smoke all the time now hurrahh

i have dreams again!!! i feel like its not much talked about how much weed can suppress your dreams

saving the moneys (using the moneys we save to pay off overdue bills hurray)

more energy!! iknow ive said this before but i have more time and energy to play with my cats and play my guitar its honeslty blessed

allllsooooo we may have convinced some other ppl to give up smoking. not like actively or anything they just saw our journey and progress and decided maybe theyll try it as well. which is great

also were gonna be a positive statistic in the nhs wales stop smoking service which will encourage them to continue doing it honestly the outside accountability/validation has been sooooo good ngl

anyway i feel like some things arent talked about enough such as that weed can be addictive. yeah the weed part not even the tobacco. weed is a gateway drug to tobacco imo. and the nicotine withdrawals were super not that bad but the not being able to smoke when stressed??? much more impact tbh its probably less a physiological dependence and more psychological but absolutely the addiction was there. and i can still feel it. its going down tho. just like my risk of heart disease and lung cancer. hurray

its honestly a relief to be rid of it after a solid 5 or 6 or maybe even 7??? years of smoking almost daily. its great to be in a stable position where we dont need it as much. its good to feel the positive effects now

[oncominggstorm]

Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.

Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.

Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.

Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.

Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.

Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.

Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.

Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.

On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.

Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.

[abimee]

as someone who had to go to college bc it was the only conceivable way for me to escape an abusive environment, striaght up: dont go to college. your post is so true, if youre mentally ill (or physically ill, esp chronically) No One Gives A SHIT. i had an incident where i had to go to urgent care i was so sick and my professor was still like "Well. you need to show up to class or youre absent. if you have 2 absences, you fail automatically." so i had to show up half-dead. no one helps you. im also bipolar and went to my college's counselor for help and while she was a lovely woman she didnt support me much there she didnt know much about the disorder. the only way i was able to graduate was bc i was getting an art degree and making things i was already going to make anyway, if that makes sense, and ironically my anxiety disorder was helpful but oh my god it was so bad for my mental health!! so bad and awful!!

tldr: fuck everybody who starts berating you college sucks and theyre all fucking ableist as hell AND on TOP of that it is just such a classist ass money pit and its Not Fucking Worth It

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS and its SO FUNNY when people tell me to ''get a scholarship'' because news flash asshole; scholarships expect things from you like Bs in all your classes and to actually gaduate, when I can barely pull it together for a B in a class im GOOD AT in HIGHSCHOOL.

I WAS ALSO IN SPECIAL EDUCATION! My math class only went up to a 6th grade level, I never did pre-algebra! I dont even know how to go calculus or trig or any math involving letters and complex systems because my own highschool special education classes didnt teach me it because I wasnt capable enough for it yet! So even if i try to go into college on a scholarship theyll definitely revoke mine and make me pay for it in full once I have a manic episode and stop showing up for a week and then come back and have to tell my teachers ''yeah i never learned any of this in highschool. i was smoking cigarettes in dugouts instead of going to class''

like i am just Not someone who will make it through college unless they give me 30 different accomodations because I already dont have the money to deal with my Mysterious Body Proclems and my severe mixed bipolar that sends me into hysterics monthly in rapid cycles. Not to mention in highschool they found out that i just literally cannot learn in your typical school setup of sitting in a classroom with other people but they wont allow me to do homeschooling/online classes because im so Bipolar that if im left by myself for a long periods of time i may hurt myself. So im literally the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially unfit person for college 😭👍 AND I DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL FOR!!! IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT ART FOR AN ART DEGREE, I CANT DO MATH, I AM TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE FOR THINGS LIKE SOCIAL OR RELIGIOUS STUDIES, ETC.

Literally just a crockpot of unwell yet every time people find out i never went to college they act like im some dead end loser destined for nothing like gee thanks this makes me feel way better about myself, i bet you love making me feel bad from your ivory tower because you think im just lazy and not a literal psychotic threat to myself on every level. drives me MAD!

[4n4q]

hi

i am finally back:) its been a while haha. im gonna (trauma?) dump a bit here so if you dont wanna read it then dont read it this is mostly for me.

tw - dr^gz, p1llz, 3at1ng d1s0rd3r, n3gl3ct

so i just logged back into this acc and the last time i posted was the day before i had to leave my dad bc of his relapse.

my dad was pretty much neglecting me and my brother and he was barely home, which was great for my ed but not really for anything else. i also wasnt going to school and over all i was in a pretty bad place. then he and his girlfriend took a bunch of drugs and it was just chaos. i had to take care of me, my dads girlfriends daughter and the dog while my dad and his gf were out doing god knows what and the house was a mess and the dog wouldnt stop barking bc she was scared. it was bad for a couple of months but it was like suuuuper bad the last three days. the night before me and his gfs daughter stayed up until like 4 am trying to get the dog to stop barking and my dad came home a couple times totally out of his mind on drugs and he did a bunch of weird things like putting food in the oven and the forgetting he did that and then saying he already made food and then naming the food he made like four days before that. when we finally got to go to sleep my dad and his gf still werent home and we had no idea where they were. the morning after i got woken up at 5 am by a call from my dads gf and she asked me to throw down the keys bc they didnt have any (my dad had already taken my keys and his own keys bc he had forgotten where he put them the night before) so i got out of bed to do so but then they called again and said they got let in. they went into our apatment and his gf was screaming and saying a bunch of stuff abt my dad being a junkie and she was saying that she didnt care if the kids woke up and that he stole her meds. then she told her daughter (who was now awake obvi) that they were going to leave and that she had to pack her things. she then proceeded to take all the pills in our house and dump them out on the floor in our apartment and in the hallway. she screamed a bunch more and then she left (i was in my room so im not sure) and so i called my mom and i didnt have any rides on my busscard and my card was conected to my dads account so he was the only one who could put money on it so i had to meet up with a family friend who lived nearby to be able to go to my moms. i started packing my clothes and then me and my brother left. we couldnt take my dads gfs daughter with us cuz she had a foster home where she lived and yea (her mom didnt have custody over her she was just visiting cuz her mom got like phsyco mad if she told her she didnt wanna see her anymore). after i got home i later got to know that my dad had driven his gfs daughter to the place she lived at (yes while he was still on drugs) and he had forgotten abt the dog but then my mom called and reminded him so he went home and like gave it food and stuff. then his gf got back and got mad at him for driving her child to her home so she made him drive her there and she beat up the mom who was taking care of her child. she then went to the police and told them she had been robbed. (the kid is living with her 20 smt sister now and her mom is not allowed to see her so yeah shes okay now)

i later also found out that one of them had switched my adhd meds for something else and they dont remmember anything so were not sure who or with what.

so yeah that was my trauma dump! im okay now so yea i just wanted to rant a bit ig? im not living w my dad anymore and my mom is really amazing:) but im back on my ana bullshit now! and the only downside abt living w my mom is that she actually cares lol