#guess i’m single again.
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I swear to god I have a curse that anyone I introduce to my family breaks up with me within a month afterwards
#shhh sharkie#guess i’m single again.#i always feel so much more strongly than anyone else#perpetually on the other side of ‘it’s not you it’s me’#or if it is me it’s that they’re icked out by how much I love them yknow?#it’s fine. it’s fine. it’s whatever.#i’m going home.#I’m just not allowed to introduce anyone to my family until I’m three days away from getting married.#literally every single person I’ve dated that I’ve introduced to my family. a month later they break up with me.#like to the calendar date!!! she came to my sister’s wedding last month on the 7th to the 9th!!!!!#it’s past midnight now cause i’m home but she broke up with me on the 9th. literally a calendar month.#I just. everytime I get something good something else good in my life has to break.#I’m not allowed to have more than [x] amount of things going well for me at any given time
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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the fact that people around my age are getting engaged is INSANE
#i know i shouldn’t be one to judge bc i’m a single pringle#but like#y’all are 21 22 23 years old and y’all already thinking about MARRIAGE#meanwhile i’m thinking about how tomorrow’s gonna go#i just feel like this generation (especially people in relationships) are rushing everything#I SWEAR THAT Y’ALL HAVE TIME#Y’ALL ARE IN COLLEGE#JUST ENJOY WHERE YOU ARE NOW#idk it just doesn’t sit right with me#i’m not trying to come off as unsupportive or anything but it’s just so early in adulthood that i’m like#what the fuck are you guys doing LMAO#ok anyway#that’s all i had to say#only because i saw an IG post today from a girl that goes to my university and she got engaged to her boyfriend in disney world#girlie you’re 21😭#AND SHE LITERALLY BOUGHT A FREAKIN HOUSE WITH HIM#MY MOM WOULD KILL ME IF I DID THAT#idk if anyone else is noticing this but again#it might just be me#just had to get this off my chest#abby’s announcements#<-i guess
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>.<
#tw clari overshares#i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active#but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me#just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning#i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating#i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again#but i’m so so so scared#(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!)#bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!!#what happened to her!!!!!#she got really sick i guess#it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it#i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more#feeding into the fear and letting it win#and now i’m here#in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel#i miss being a part of this community so much#i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect#NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have#i miss having fun#YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity#but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble???#the only person who can fix this is me#(obviously hahaha)#it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on#i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life#why did i let it take something so fucking important to me???#i have to end it!!!#if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting#i just feel like i NEED to say this
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Every time I find out that one of my childhood friends is getting married I have to sit on the edge of my bed before I go to bed for about 30-45 minutes taking psychic damage via contemplating the horrific inevitability of the passage of time and battling the feeling that I’ve been left alone playing in the sandbox on the playground
#at least I can’t say I haven’t gone on a single date anymore I guess…but on the front with The Boy I really don’t know how things are going#things have been weird since I saw him and person and I’m terrified#but I’m seeing him again on Friday so I guess we’ll see
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I’d like to thank whatever is up there that literally every single other song in eternal sunshine is better than yes and. Thank you thank you thank you
#like I get why yes and was the single. I guess#but it had me thinking eternal sunshine was gonna be terrible#I’m so happy it doesn’t suck you don’t get it#Ariana grandes music is so fucking good. I don’t want to like her but LORD have you heard positions?#and the songs in eternal sunshine are???? heartbreaking????? beautiful?????? damn that woman#it’s really good I really liked it#ariana grande#as if I’m ever gonna talk about her again#eternal sunshine#eternal sunshine album#Starry speaks
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If things could stop going in exactly the wrong wrong direction that would be excellent
#m rambles#if I could trade all my years of good luck when I was younger to just be fucking normal I would#the latest in my series of unfortunate events:#decided to hire traffic lawyer for my ticket#traffic lawyer gets my info but never sends any follow up#today I got a fucking ‘failed to appear in court’#because apparently my lawyer didn’t do jack shit#and it’s just one more FUCKING thing#I don’t even know what the fuck to do now#this will probably fuck up my chances of getting my ticket dismissed#and I’m too paranoid to go for a lawyer again because if I fail to show up again they can put out a warrant for my arrest#im so nauseous#I really can’t deal with being alive anymore and I mean that in the most serious fucking way I can#if I had access to a gun or a garage I could lock myself in I would fucking do it#but I’m too terrified of being in pain to try any other way so I guess I live to see another sunrise tomorrow#just to go into work at a job I probably won’t have in a month’s time because of layoffs#to explain to my coworkers and my manager why I’m so fucking behind#and without a single bit of professional help because my therapist dropped me weeks ago and I’ve been stuck in a hole ever since#I’ve left my house less that 5 times in the entire month of October and yet I live in a fucking pigs sty#I sleep on the couch because I’m too tired to climb the stairs and all I can smell is the mold from my dishes#which literally had fucking maggots in it last time I looked at them#I think there’s black mold in my basement that I can’t clean and my fridge is going to mold soon because my water pitcher leaked#if I’d known when I was a kid that all those times where things just seemed to magically work out would lead to my life falling apart#I would have shut my goddamn mouth about getting a B in physics and dealt with it to prevent my life from becoming the shit show it is today
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yeah that’s totally not gonna haunt me for a while. and I totally didn’t lose my mind trying to sleep last night because of it. I wanted the god of stories but not like that man
#marvel#loki spoilers#loki series#loki season 2#loki finale#ruined my life in a single shot#tom hiddleston will do that to you I guess#I hate that he’s fucking ALONE AGAIN#DIDNT WE ESTABLISH AS A COMMUNITY THAT WE DIDNT WANT THAT#what’s mobius gonna do now#i’m so upset#he went “I don’t wanna be alone#they went “WELL GUESS WHAT BUDDY!!
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#sigh. puts up the barricades please I do not want to see d.nf on my dash#and again I do have it super filtered#I’m just soooo tired every little thing being HARD LAUNCH HARD LAUNCH until the next thing bc of course that didn’t happen#and life went on as usual#look I get it I’m the minority I’m aroace and easily exhausted by shipping esp real ppl shipping#but it’s times like this I miss the lore fandom bc man the complete focus on platonic dynamics and relationships was so nice#look if they ever actually say they’re dating I guess I’ll eat my words but so far I am not getting the sense that that will ever happen#and so it is extremely annoying to want to follow drm fans and get 90% of One Single Ship#and no sap except as third wheel for said ship#sorry I’m the only one who seems to not care abt George 😭😭 not in a bad way just. he’s fine and funny sometimes I guess but#I Just Don’t Care. and also another thing I need to get off my chest#why do ppl act like George is really shady and passive aggressive and ‘oh he should interact w X person who wronged drm he’d ROAST THEM!’#like huh#George is one of the most Don’t talk about anything be vague be private ppl ever#I’m not saying he hasn’t had his moments of public support for drm but I just don’t get it#(it’s probably because he’s so vague and noncommittal that fans can just project their own feelings onto him)#sigh anyway I’m done that makes me feel better a bit#no tags just venting#<- it’s funny that became my venting tag now that I only vent in tags#bc some things such as this I am afraid to even put under read more lol
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Maybe it’s time to return to single player 🙄
#text#apex has been so addictive to me from the end of s19 onwards#huge changes since then#apex#apex legends#apex trios#might give ranked a go before I leave 👀#think mixtape really helped me get better + used to dying more often lol#now I’m over 100hrs in 👀#tried so hard and maybe not even that far … but in the end … it doesn’t even matter#tbh Skyrim was getting hit repetitive + I’ve done too many side quests before starting bigger main quests 🫣🤡#gaming#gamers#playstation#the getting out my ps4 from storage to buying a ps5 pipeline was wild#new year new PlayStation I guess#not the levelling up before starting main quest line gameplay 😭#skyrim#single player#story games#multiplayer#battle royale#first person shooters#fps#playing multiplayers again kicked started from a msg from an ex fp on psn who asked ‘apex?’#we stopped talking after a bit cos I got too attached again plus he’s not the same … still toxic tho#I’m blocked now on basically everything ✨#plus history of ppl I’ve tried making friends with just pee me off too easily so ✨#I’ll eventually find new ones if I wanna play still
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we broke up, but thankfully it was on good terms and there are no hard feelings
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nothing but respect for my 2nd gf, we tried our best but just weren’t compatible at the end of the day and parted very amicably
my first gf however? I hope she knows that I curse her every day and that on my deathbed I will still hate her for all eternity
#welp guess who’s single again a few days into 2024?#I was the dumper this time so it was my decision#truly tho my second gf is a wonderful person and I wish nothing but the best for her#my first ex tho? I’m her number 1 hater forever and I hope she knows that#why is the worst person u know the first girl u dated?#wlw#lesbian#breakup
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I kind of want to try making mead or ambrosia 👀
Obviously not right now because I have Shit To Do; but maybe during the summer after I’ve moved
#alcohol mention#Apparently you can make mead out of honey and I love honey so of course I have to try it#I want to make more food from scratch so I can reduce my plastic consumption#because my ten-year goal is to convert to a completely anticapitalist zero-waste lifestyle#Just for me… I don’t put pressure on anyone to do the same unless they’re well-off and being ridiculous about their consumption#Except for maybe encouraging people to switch to reusable water bottles if they’re in an area where the tap water is potable#(like where I live)#or flaunting my canvas shopping bag that I got for 5 dollars at a hardware store whenever possible#Okay I guess I do push people a little bit#But it’s all reasonable things directed at people I know are physically mentally and financially able to do those things#or I’ll just casually mention microplastics and pollution in conversation as a “fun fact”#But I’m not ridiculous about it with anyone but myself#I hold myself to some weird standards that I don’t hold others to and I’m fine with it#Obviously it’s the corporations’ faults that everything is the way it is and no single person can make a huge difference#But if everyone does one thing to help the planet; then it might buy us some time to change the system#There is also the issue of supply and demand; if more people reduce plastic intake then less plastic will be produced#But again: it’s very hard to be ethical in this society. EVERYTHING enjoyable is packaged in plastic and it sucks#(ok not literally everything but consider: most candy is wrapped in plastic and clothes have plastic tags and chips are in plastic#sushi is in plastic containers and meat is in shrink wrap or styrofoam and most modern chewing gum is a byproduct of vinyl#toys are packaged in plastic etc. etc.)
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none of my business is meh. saw a post that was like newjeans music is #1 so now jyp has itzy sounding like newjeans which i don’t is true per say. but i don’t think it’s false either.
#waiting for the dance practice bc#UGH. disappointing!!!!! i love my girls truly <3 and they r dance machines#so why r we just so focused on their visuals and singing. girl they’re good but please can i get a SINGLE hard back breaking dance please .#the reason i got into them was bc they have incredible choreography that is like actually good dancing and not just yk. easy moves. 😭#i think loco was their last cb i loved. excluding their japanese cbs bc those?? incredible. let’s bring that energy!!!!#it’s a cute summer bop i guess but UGHHHHHHH put me in the room i have great ideas for them#also?? are they just not posting on spotify anymore???? like bet on me AND none of my business haven’t been released there i’m like .#which. i liked bet on me i will say that i thought it was nice but that wasn’t like a comeback type of song that’s like their trust me midzy#song. anyway again sorry for kpop posting but itzy are like. the only kpop group i like. officially stan (god i hate that word)#nmixx is cute too i love them i miss jinni but their comebacks have been fun rn catchy and i love their themes so <33
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i can feel the ryou brainworms just feasting right now
#hhhh your honor i love him so much he’s so silly!!! so concerning!!!!!! agsjdhskhd#he’s such a weirdo but he’s my weirdo so i mean#NOT IN A WEIRD WAY just. i don’t know he has my whole heart and i don’t think there’s a single part of me that doesn’t adore every bit ofhi#it’s how absolutely conflicting he is that has me caught up again#i keep saying this but just. it’s how much he loves creepy things and how he casually brushes off the weird things he gets into and how-#-much of an absolute NERD he is#in combination with how he literally has a fan club and how he’s known for being ‘soft spoken’ and how he likes cooking of all things#how he’s lost a lot of his family and had to isolate from friends and how he’s literally *died* once protecting them#and yet he’s still so sweet. he’s still so polite. he’s still just. ryou#still an absolute dork and he’s still able to have that soft smile and just#agh. feeling things for him today <3#as if i would not have them for him every day#unthinkable honestly#i love looking at the way he acts in monster world#i just think he’s so brave and so quick to act for these strangers he doesn’t even know yet#i’ve been over this before but if the yamis are supposed to mirror the darker parts of their host#and with b sealing away all ryou’s friends in the monster world figures beforehand…#:( i’m probably projecting etc etc but i guess i interpreted that as him being lonely??#wanting to stick with his friends constantly#maybe as a way to escape reality or something….#i’m rambling on about nothing but#i love him so much. so stupidly much#i just wanna keep him company and make sure he doesn’t feel alone… i guess i want that from him too <333#fffffffff love of my life…. i swear#spookyshipping#having a moment sorry
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i finished zi-o. i think its gonna be the only thing i think about for the next month
#well courts is making me watch ultra z so i’m also doing that i guess#so many mixed feelings about the ending of zi-o fr#i haven’t watched any of the movies or other content yet so idk if my opinions would change#i think main 1. i hate the concept of wiping the whole timeline#but 2. it’s a completely new divergent timeline?? so it’s not like they’re starting completely over again it’s essentially an alt universe#???#but 3. I DONT CARE AS LONG AS WVERYONE IS ALIVE AND HAPPY#and 4. WHERE IS WOZZZZZ NOW HES FRIENDLESS AGAIN 😭😭😭😭😭#they literally said highschool au be upon ye#also kamen rider tsukuyomi is so cool….. a super pretty design#me: i love angst *bangs my head into the wall*#ngl i love every character in zi-o#ALSO i have not watched decade but whatever decade and diend had going on was fascinating. r they divorced?#not art#sorry for tag rambling#and like i said before: i literally had only watched revice and double prior to this#u can imagine. how wild every single episode was. to me.#so many guys
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