#I’m just soooo tired every little thing being HARD LAUNCH HARD LAUNCH until the next thing bc of course that didn’t happen

[dreamerlynx]

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[foreverhakyeon-blog]

Wake Up

pairing : Hakyeon x Taekwoon | Neo

word : 2460

Oneshot of bestfriends Hakyeon and Taekwoon, whereby Hakyeon got into accident and in coma.

"Hakyeon, wake up" Taekwoon whisper as he shakes Hakyeon faintly. "Please"

"How am I going to live without you" his eyes starts to water, "I can't"

Hakyeon was still lying helplessly on the hospital bed.

******

Taekwoon's POV

Im not mute. I can talk if I want to. I talk if I need to.

It's just that, I refused to do so. I chose to observed instead of talking. It's comfortable being like this, observing the others.

But that's not what the other thinks.

'Taekwoon is a freak'

'Look at how he look at us, is he planning something'

'I've never heard his voice'

'Taekwoon is weird.'

I'm used to hear things like that. There are times when they act like they were whispering but it was loud enough for me to hear what they said about me. I hear it all. Sometimes they just say it in my face. I don't really care though. Let they say what they want. People are free to say what they want to say anyways.

After a while, people start to take advantage on me.

'Taekwoon will lift that heavy thing'

'Taekwoon will clean the classroom'

'Taekwoon will never say no, he don't talk anyway'

'let Taekwoon do it'

I just nodded and do what they ask me to do. It's not hard anyways. It felt helping them. I don't mind.

But after that,

They started to do more.

Sometimes they beat me without a reason.

'he won't say anything'

'Taekwoon can be punchbag for the day. He'll never report it to anyone'

'because he don't talk'

******

"Stop it. Why are you doing this to him?!" I heard someone yelled from a far. I saw he ran to us ; me and the three boys. Jay, minki and Junho. They used to be my friends. Well, I thought they are. Until one day they suddenly starts to beat me without a reason.

"are you okay?" the boy asked me in concern. I have never saw him face before.

"oh. new kid. seems like you wanted to get beat to. you need some teaching" Jay said, his fist are ready to punch the boy.

"Try if you have the gut." The boy said bravely. He is a lot smaller than the three boys, can he fight them?

Jay started to launch a punch to the boy but he was fast enough to dodge it. Seconds after that the guard came. The three boys run away. The boy then report to the guard "They bullied my friend!" Since when I became his friend? The guard nodded his head as he look at me with pity. "Bring him to the nurse's office" The guard said before continue chasing the three boys.

"Hey, are you okay?" The boy ask me again. He help me stand up. I nodded.

"What is your name?" He looks at me. I showed him my name tag. "Ohh~ Jung Taekwoon" he smiled.

Hakyeon extended his hand, "I'm Cha Hakyeon"

******

"Taekie you're back!!" Hakyeon cheered happily as I walk in the house. After that day, Hakyeon and I had become really close. We even went to the same university. Hakyeon had always been there for me. He protects me with all he have. He is cheerful and fun to be with, but sometimes I wish he can control his anger.

It's not that he ever beat me when he is mad or something. Hakyeon will never hurt me. He rarely gets mad at me. But he tend to hurt those who hurt me.

If only I didn't bumped into Kangin on the way home today, it will not turn out this way. "Taek?" Hakyeon called me as he noticed that I was avoiding him.

I covered my face with mask and wear my favorite black hoodie. "I'm tired." I said, hoping that he will understand and leave me alone.

"Something is wrong with you" I heard Hakyeon muttered. We have been for so long that he can notice even a slight changes of me.

"Wait!" He hold my wrist, preventing me from running away. He forced me to face him. He reach my mask and in a second the mask are off my face. Hakyeon observed my face.

His face slowly turned red, boiling with anger. "Who did this?" He touch my purple cheek. Obviously someone has hurt his bestfriend and Hakyeon wouldn't let that person go.

I flinched. This is not what I want. Last time someone had accidentally punch me at the stomach, Hakyeon punched him back and the boy had to stay in hospital for three days.

"Tell me who. I'll kill him with my own hands" Hakyeon said again. He punch the wall angrily.

"I promised to take care of you didn't I? I'll protect you. Tell me who! I'll search for him. I'll kill him for you. who the fuck-"

He punch the wall again

"hurt-"

again

"you"

and again

"I'll kill-"

Hakyeon hand starts to bleeds

"him"

I reach him, locking his hand in my grip and hug him to cool him down. "It's okay. It's okay. Calm down." I whispered and patted his back. "I'm okay. I'm okay"

******

"Taek, what are you going to do if I'm not around anymore? Who's going to protect you?" Hakyeon asked one day when we were watching his favorite drama.

I stop crunching the food in my mouth and look at him. Hakyeon is strange like this. Sometimes he would ask weird questions all of sudden. "Are you going anywhere? or you have incurable illness? are you dying?" I asked him back. I had never dream a life without him.

"No. What? are you happy if I have that kind of illness? What kind of friend are you?!!" He punch me playfully "answer me"

"I think I'll live peacefully. I can protect myself. plus, I don' have to cook for you too hahahha" I laugh as I said it. Hakyeon pouted. "I hate you. seriously" He stand up and walk to his room.

"yah! are you sulking? I'm kidding" I laugh. He is so sensitive nowadays.

******

Hakyeon started to play his ukulele

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my hair You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

"No I'm not" I said playfully. He sang louder and almost shout at me

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my hair You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

******

'When are you coming back?' I messaged Hakyeon. It's been six days since he goes back to his hometown, Changwon. I admit that I felt a little bored alone at the house. Usually I would go back to my hometown too but my parents are on vacation so there's no one at home.

After five minutes I heard my phone rang, I pick it up

"You miss me don't you? I knew it you can't live without me" I heard Hakyeon loud voice on the other side of the phone. He is cheerful like always.

"no, I'm not. I'm just bored"

"You are so egoistic Jung Taekwoon. But whatever I took that as you miss me" He stated.

Seriously. Why did I pick up his call?

He is soooo full of himself.

"I'm hanging up" I warned him

"Jeez. I'm going back tomorrow. Happy?"

******

I ran into the hospital as soon as I reach there. "Taek hyung, wait for me" I heard Hongbin shouted from the back, but I can't. I have to hurry. I head to the counter "Yes, can I help you?" the nurse asked me.

"I..I..I" I keep stuttering as I can't form any word to say. My face was bloodless. This can't be happening. Tell me this isn't happening.

"We're looking for a patient name Cha Hakyeon" Hongbin panting, he said and catching his breath. "Okay, give me a sec"

******

We headed to the room the nurse had told us. Hakyeon lying unconscious on the bed. His face was pale. There's scratches all over on his face and his body. His leg broke and being supported. His head were bandaged.

"Ha-Hakyeon" I rush to his bed. "Ha-Hakyeon, wake up" I shake his left hand softly. My tears fall down like razor blades. "Wake up" I said again, crying.

Hongbin touch my shoulder from the back, he was crying too.

******

I told him to go back the next day, because it was raining so bad that day. But he said he promised his friend to come back early. I still remembered he smiled, saying he can't break his promises. He is so stubborn. If only he listens to me....

I recall what Hakyeon's sister told me.

Stupid.

You still broke your promise.

You said you're going back.

It's been a week.

Stupid.

Fool.

You said you're going back.

Liar.

You're a liar Hakyeon.

******

It's been two weeks since Hakyeon's accident. The doctor said that he was healing but he still haven't open his eyes. The doctor said everything is okay. but he isn't waking up.

I visited Hakyeon every single day. I even take turn with his family staying overnight at the hospital, taking care of Hakyeon. Sometimes I would bring flowers. Sometimes I bring book to read it to him. Sometimes I even talk to him, I tell him stories even though I know he'll not react to what I say. But somehow, deep in my heart I know he can hear it.

or maybe I hope so.

"You're a good friend Taekwoon" Hakyeon's sister patted me on the shoulder one day, she hand me an apple."At least eat something. When was the last time you eat?"

I take the apple and smile at her. I couldn't even remember when was it. I look at Hakyeon again. I look at the wire that being painfully connected to his body.

I suddenly remembered Hakyeon cheerful voice when I come back after having a rough bad day. 'Taekwoon are you okay? Let's do something you like! Remember that movie you liked so much? Let's watch it again! Taekwoon I bought your favorite meat. Let's eat it!!

"Hakyeon is a good friend" I replied after a while.

Hakyeon always love watching drama. I remembered that one day he forced me to watch his favorite drama with him. I end up accompany him watching the dramas almost all the time.

"Hakyeon, guess what?" I said as I took a sit beside his bed.

He didn't reply, but back then he would always asked me back, "what?" excitedly. I miss his excited face that would glitter as he want to know what I'm going to say.

I open my laptop, "I downloaded your favorite drama. Remember that drama called cheer up? You love it so much right? We haven't finish the drama yet you know?"

I open a folder named 'Cheer up' and click 'play' on episode 8. "Let's watch it"

After two hours of watching the drama I get tired. I look at Hakyeon that was still lying peacefully. "Hakyeon, why are you still sleeping? Wake up."

"You said you'll protect me. How are you going to protect me if you're lying like this" my eyes starts to water again. I did not bother to wipe my tears. I hold Hakyeon's weak hand and squeezed it lightly, "I miss you"

Suddenly I remembered all Hakyeon's words. My memories with him being played again like a flashback. I remember the first time we met. Our graduation day. The day when we both got into the same university. The day when we first time drank liquor and get drunk together. The day when we begged our parents to let us rent an apartment near the university. The day when we went to Jeju Island for vacation. Everything being played back.

'Hi, I'm Cha Hakyeon'

'I promised to take care of you didn't I? I'll protect you'

'you're my bestfriend Taekwoonie'

'You miss me don't you? I knew it you can't live without me'

'You are so egoistic Jung Taekwoon'

'I'm going back tomorrow'

******

Hakyeon's POV

It hurts. My body hurts.

I look around. It was dark. I was left alone in the dark.

Where am I?

Am I dead?

'Hakyeon, why are you still sleeping? Wake up.'

'You said you'll protect me. How are you going to protect me if you're lying like this'

'I miss you'

Taekwoon?

Is that you?

Why...

Where are you?

I look around, searching for Taekwoon.

Suddenly I saw a light beam in front of me. I ran and ran, chasing the light

"Taek!! Is that you?" I scream wholeheartedly.

"Taekwoon!!" I yelled. The light slowly fading. I felt my body slowly started to weaken.

I close my eyes.

I'm scared.

Taek help me.

I open my eyes when I felt my hand being squeezed.

It's so bright that it hurts my eyes.

I look around to the unfamiliar place.

Where am I?

I try to move my hands and legs.

I thought I was, I thought I could move them.

I couldn't.

I desperately try to move my toes, but it felt like there was nothing there.

What happened? I started to panic. I tried again, slowly and steadily, I gained some control over my fingers. I could move my thumb. I sighs in relief.

I then notice someone crying while holding my hand. I squeeze his hand, and suddenly he look up.

He look at me in disbelief.

I wanted to ask what happened but I'm too weak, my voice won't go out.

Taekwoon. Taekwoon.

He look at me and cried. He cried and cried. "Hakyeon" He said

I nodded. I look at him warmly. I observe Taekwoon that look like a mess. His hair was all over and his face are swollen.

"You're back. I thought I lost you. I thought you left me!" He cried again.

"You promised to protect me but you didn't wake up. I'm afraid. I thought I lost you" He cried so bad.

"It was so hard for me. I miss you so much I felt like dying"

Seconds after, the doctor rush in, checking me all over.

After a while the doctor smiled, looking at me, "Welcome back"

I turn my head, looking Taekwoon. He was still crying.

I smiled at Taekwoon. “Taekwoon-ah”

"W-Welcome back Cha Hakyeon"

[katrinawritesthings]

Jonghyun/Taemin; fuckin whoops; R

1 tie ur babe to the bed with a vibe in the booty 2 leave them there alone to wiggle and edge 3 fucking forget about them for an hour nd a half

“Shit shit shit, oh my fucking god,” Taemin hisses as he scuttles down the hallway.

ao3

“Have a good night’s sleep for less…,” Taemin hums, eyes half closed as the commercial plays in front of him. “Mattress discounters,” he breathes. It turns into a yawn halfway through and he lifts his hand to smother it. When he lowers his hand he wiggles it into his bag of chips, pulling another out and popping it into his mouth. He lost count but he thinks he’s only supposed to eat one or two more before he hits his daily limit. He doesn’t want to run out before the next shopping trip again.

“Coming up next,” the tv says, and then lists a few shows that Taemin doesn’t care about. He just wants his third tacky judge show to come back on. These commercials seem longer than usual. He picks up his water bottle and takes a sip, blandly waiting for the next commercial to finish. It’s some tacky tax commercial now, with some badly animated lamp genie there to grant some dude’s wishes of easy completion before the deadline.

“You’re welcome, master,” the genie on screen says, and Taemin can’t stop the little grin that creeps onto his face. Master. What a fucking word. He prefers “sir,” himself. It feels more casual and he loves the way it sounds coming out of Jonghyun’s mouth, when his voice is all shaky and–

“Shit,” Taemin says loudly, sitting up lightning fast with a heavy flash of panic. His whole body tingles with anxiety heat as he twists on the couch to look down the hallway with wide eyes. “Shit,” he hisses again, and doesn’t even stop to pick up the dropped remote when he launches himself off of the couch.

“Shit shit shit, oh my fucking god,” he hisses as he scuttles down the hallway. “I don’t fucking believe you fucking–” He stops himself short outside of the bedroom door, not wanting his voice to carry over inside. He puts his hand on the wall to steady himself as he tries to quickly slow his breathing. Two and a half fucking episodes, his brain reminds him unhelpfully. He closes his eyes, clenches his fists, and forces himself to take several deep, heavy breaths until he doesn’t look and sound like he just fucked up big time. Only then does he rub his hand over his face to school it into an attempt at a controlled smile and gently push the door open.

Inside, the light is dim, a warm orange glow from a lamp in the corner and some fake candles on the headboard. The air smells thick of vanilla and cinnamon from the candle warmers set on the dresser. The only sounds come from Jonghyun, heavy, measured, shaking breathing from where he’s tied up on the bed.

Taemin swallows looking at him, body sweaty, legs held up and open by a harness hooked up to the four poster hangings, wrists bound to a hook above his head. The pretty, sparkly jewel set into the stop of the plug in his ass glimmers in the light, every time Jonghyun moves with breaths and twitches. His cock is thick and hard, curved up to his stomach, dripping a slow puddle of precome onto his toned skin. He’s not whimpering now, but Taemin can just tell, from the low buzz coming from the toy, to the way Jonghyun’s fingers rub slowly over the side of the control in his hand, to the way he swallows and licks his lips and curls his toes and scrunches his eyes shut, that he’s been easing himself out of an edge for at least a few minutes.

The only thing that lessens the guilt in Taemin’s stomach a tiny bit is the slack, lazy, blissed out smile on his lips. Of course the fucking walnut is over the moon about being left on his own in here like this for so long. He’s been begging Taemin to leave him alone for longer for months. Taemin is highly doubtful that this is how he meant for it to happen.

He’s also highly doubtful that Jonghyun even heard him come in. He takes another few slow breaths before he shuts the door behind him and hopes that Jonghyun is too hazy and tired to notice his smile is less smooth than usual.

“Hey, puppo,” he hums, sliding up to sit on the edge of the bed. Jonghyun blinks slowly at him, smile curving up even wider, and twitches when Taemin runs a hand over his warm chest.

“Hello, sir,” he breathes. “I’ve been good.”

“Have you?” Taemin asks, cocking a brow. He can’t fucking look at Jonghyun’s soft, pretty, adoring face like this so he looks instead at Jonghyun’s arms, muscles strained and wrists just a tiny bit red from the cloth around them. “You stayed in position this whole time?” he asks, smoothing his hand up Jonghyun’s arms to his hands. He takes the silk and gently unhooks it, bringing Jonghyun’s arms down and untying it slowly, purposefully dragging it over Jonghyun’s skin to make him shiver.

“Yes, sir,” Jonghyun says, nodding eagerly as Taemin takes the vibe controller away from him. Taemin hums shortly, clicks it up to the level above whatever Jonghyun had it at, and waits for him to finish his short, sharp breath and wiggle.

“Are you sure?” he asks, letting his voice harden in that stern way that reminds Jonghyun that lying isn’t allowed. Usually it’s for punishments, but this time it’s because Taemin fucking hopes that Jonghyun didn’t spend over an hour like this. God. He rubs Jonghyun’s shoulders, massaging them, soothing whatever soreness is bound to be in them, as Jonghyun hums and bites his lip.

“Mmm,” he hums. “I put my legs down. For a little bit. Once,” he mumbles. “They got a little tingly. Sir.” Taemin tsks to hide a wince. Shit. Fuck. Damn it.

“How are they now?” he asks, turning away to trail his fingers down Jonghyun’s stomach and up his shaky thighs. He stands up, reaching for the harness to unhook Jonghyun’s ankles one at a time instead of making him lift the whole bar off of the hook.

“Good, sir,” Jonghyun smiles, stretching his legs out happily. Taemin hums, rubbing slow circles into them just to make sure. He massages Jonghyun’s muscles, and then moves to his inner thighs, rubbing so close to his cock and hole but not touching, not yet. He feels like he’s still a little too fucked up to get right back into the sex thing.

“You did well, then, baby,” he hums. He tugs one of Jonghyun’s knees up to kiss, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. “I’m so proud of you,” he says. And also so fucking sorry. Jonghyun’s smile is dazzling.

“Thanks,” he beams. “I’m soooo happy you let me do this, sir,” he breathes. “I feel so good and warm and….” He trails off into a little giggle, his leg falling limp against Taemin’s side. Taemin actually has a genuine chuckle for that, kissing his skin again and resting his cheek on Jonghyun’s knee. At least one of them feels good about this fuckup. “Real talk, Taem, before I forget,” Jonghyun says, and Taemin cocks a brow at their pause words. Jonghyun has his fingers in his hair, eyes closed but a soft, wide smile on his lips. “Can you leave me for this long from now on?” he asks.

Taemin snorts softly. Never fucking again, honestly.

“We’ll see,” he says, tapping Jonghyun’s thigh lightly twice to make him focus back on their scene.

Maybe, with ten reminder alarms on his phone.

[wolvesfromsaturn]

Im not particularly sad tonight, but that’s probably why I can bring myself to actually talk about this issue, I guess. Also I don’t really have a therapist that I can talk to more than once every two months anymore and I just don’t have the strength to look for a new one, I don’t want to go through the whole process, also bc I’m very specific about people I can open up to and I kinda hate the whole dynamic of patient/therapist. Also bad experiences and stuff so I guess I just have my tumblr rn, until I guess I can found someone that I will be able to talk to

Idk. Im kinda lost. I don’t know how to manage school and i can’t get out of my head that it’s because I don’t try hard enough, that I’m just too lazy, that I could do it if I just studied more. But im tired, it’s just the first year and I feel so lost with everything, sometimes I just feel like im not made for studying, I’m too anxious, too scared of everything… i’m supposed to study something I like but even that, im lost, I feel like everything happens to fast, I just want a break but I can’t have any. Last time I waited until I got so sick I couldn’t leave my home, and I was just anxious of missing more classes. I have one week of ‘holidays’ soon, but I have to study for the exams that are coming and I feel like I don’t understand anything, but it’s not even the most important thing that’s been bothering me.

It’s transition related. Y’know, I’ve read all about it, but I couldn’t help but think “it’s ok to feel bad – once I start T, I would do that, and that, I would feel better.” And right after that, because I didn’t feel much better “I’ll have to wait until I can finish high school” “Everything will be fine after top surgery” “I just have to start working out again” and now… what? I’m still not happy. I still stare at my ceiling at night, I still have to contain myself from crying when someone yells a little bit too close to me, I still feel sad. And I feel like I shouldn’t? I know it’s not logical and I shouldn’t think that but I feel bad for feeling sad even tho I have no apparent reason right now. I read all about the stuff on how top surgery wouldn’t cure my depression, but I hoped for it. I really wished my mind could have been magically fixed in the same time as my body? Because the other reality was scary. It’s scary. Why am I not happy. Why am I still sad. Im scared of being like this my whole life. Of being terrified of responsibilities, of not being able to handle what everyone around me can. I feel like I can’t handle college but also, what can I do if I’m not in school? I know I can’t stay home, I did it for most of my high school years and going back was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had. Im really prone to isolate myself (I’ve been diagnosed some years ago with avpd and I had it under control for a time but now…), and I know that if I “take time” for myself this year, I probably won’t ever return to school, but I feel like I will obviously fail this year, but I can’t work, and I’m overwhelmed by everything. I just feel like this world is too much and I don’t understand it. And it sounds so pretentious and edgy and I don’t want to be that guy™ that feels like people don’t understand him but I fucking do, for real.  I just wish I could launch myself on another planet, one that is sweet and peaceful and kind. I want a nice bubble that I can hide into until I feel better.

Also my brother is being an asshole and I can’t work at home, so I can’t really study on weekends that are a nightmare, I hate every second of my life when he’s in the fucking room and apparently he might drop out again so he’s just going to be home all the time this year too. I talked to my therapist who proposed to talk to my parents about it since they don’t care apparently but my mom won’t even call her bc she doesn’t see the problem. I really think it’s something huge on my mental health because I can’t talk to my parents when before I used to say everything to my mom, now I can’t talk to her bc he’s always there and im selfish because I wish I could get attention too because I’m really not ok but he just shout it louder and he’s a jerk. My therapist told me she’s trying to see if I can have a room next to my school next year for medical reasons bc I just really can’t affort anything on this stupid city so it’s either that or I suffer until I can get out. And it will probably be the latter soooo…

Anyway. That is a long thing about why my life sucks and I feel trapped and today is even kind of a “good day” so good luck dealing with me when I have a breakdown. I really just write all of this just to come to this conclusion: fuck