#NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have

[inkykeiji]

>.<

[myslutwritings]

Hey! I've been reading your blog and I'm really interested in your writing. I would like to ask if you could do the upper moons with a reader with a background like Mitsuri's? As if after rejection the reader became super ashamed of their appearance and their body. Take as much time as you need to write this, I just wanted to send my idea before I forget it <3

-🎀

hey, love! of course i’ll do your request. goodness, this request was in my inbox for a few months so my apologies for responding so late!! (˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥)

➤ Uppermoons with a partner who has Mitsuri’s backstory

[ not proof read btw ]

➤ summary: reader is insecure

➤ characters included: muzan, kokushibo, douma & akaza!

➤ WARNING: semi-nsfw + violence.

MUZAN KIBUTSUJI

first off.. how dare you-

yeah, okay, he’s GONNA take major offense to say at the very least..

likeeee hellooooo???

i mean, you’re MUZAN’S partner. you somehow pulled the king of demons? like look at you!! (unspoken rizz🤫..)

we all know this man has a crazed obsession with being the perfect being so obviously he is going to view his significant other as the embodiment of perfection itself.

Muzan chose you over anyone else. He views the rest of the human population as insignificant atoms. Because of his determination for perfection he’s going to pick/fall in love with a person who he deems perfect.

let’s be honest, due to him taking offense to finding out you’re insecure over some different face/hair/body features you have that he doesn’t mind/finds them beautiful he’s going to be not very happy!

when i say, “not very happy” that’s just me sugar coating his flaring anger.

However, he’ll try to reassure you in his own way that you’re beautiful the way you are and that you’re perfect in the most passive aggressive way possible.

Listen, he’s not the best at intimacy but he tries for you.

AND OH BOY!! when he finds out if anyone made you feel insecure he would order nakime to locate them so he could kill them. 🤭

As for your exes in the past.. they’re already taken care of! he murdered them awhile ago and didn’t even bother eating them because he was that repulsed by their existence.

Bro didn’t even view them as worth eating.

Btw he didn’t even tell you that he murdered your exes along with the men/women who made you feel insecure about your face/body.. he just causally told you as if it would make you feel better.

“Muzan, what happened to my exes? i saw a missing poster while i was running errands today..”

“There is no need to worry about them anymore, my dear.”

KOKUSHIBO

He’s very saddened over the fact you’re insanely insecure and it devastates him knowing how many people hurt you.

Why is he only hearing this now? he wished you told him sooner.

Like the demon king, he isn’t the most skilled when it comes to intimacy. I mean, he had a wife in the past but he deadass left her and went to go get the milk. 💀

He would never leave you though!

so he’s not going to be the ‘lovey dovey’ reassuring type of boyfriend who coddles you the way you want him to.

He may or may not have forgotten how relationships worked and he’s lowkey awkward!

He’ll reassure you in his own way and of course his demon instincts are provoking him to kill those maggots in the past who dared made you cry.

If you don’t want him to kill your exes he won’t but if you do then congratulations! you have a whole bunch of dead exes!

He’s jealous because he wanted to be with you before any of those people. He figured that if he found you first and asked you out before any of those horrible human beings you wouldn’t be so insecure. :(

Once you communicate more with Koku he’ll begin to understand and attempt to be more intimate and reassuring! He just isn’t used to it.

Kokushibo is honestly excellent at communicating and he’s understanding in his own way.

He won’t understand why you’re so insecure though? You point out your features/habits you’re insecure about that you view as ‘flaws’

He does not view them as flaws in the slightest! That’s just who you are and like muzan he’ll be offended at first you have so much hatred for yourself. 😞

But don’t worry! he won’t get mad like how Muzan did.

If anything you two will just talk it out. He may never will understand why you’re so insecure but he’ll compliment you and reassure you every time he sees you! He’ll do his very best to check up on you whenever he’s able to.

DOUMA

Douma is honestly going to think it’s stupid.

no, you are NOT stupid. he thinks the reason you’re insecure is silly! because why would you be hurt over what someone so insignificant thinks of you?

Douma also thinks it’s stupid because he views you as the most beautiful flower to ever walk this planet!

Yes, douma will find it silly. He may not fully comprehend why it hurts you so much but he’ll reassure you regardless because he loves you!

Douma is canonically great at advice. But usually with his followers he puts on a façade.

But with you it’s very different. Yes, he’ll give you advice but because he loves you and you know him and know what he really is he’ll give you the advice and not sugarcoat it for you.

Downright admits it’s dumb how you feel that way.

Immediately feels bad afterwards though when you break down into tears-

He’s used to seeing miserable people cry. He doesn’t care about their tears.

but when it’s you crying he isn’t a fan, trust me.

This is the part where he’ll reassure you and lend you advice. Instead of being rude, he’ll be genuine with you!

Douma just doesn’t understand. When you point out why you’re insecure he brushes it off because he finds your ‘flaws’ so adorable!

It’s one of the things he loves most about you. Your so-called ‘flaws’ are unique to him.

He gets offended like Muzan because why would you hate those adorable features about yourself?!? 😡😡

Let’s be fr.. Douma will never understand because he doesn’t find you ugly and has zero issues with your habits that you claim to hate about yourself.

But if you need comfort, he’ll of course comfort you and reassure you all you want! After all, he’s known to have a voice that soothes people instantly so he’s incredibly good at helping you. that’s what he does, right?

Anyway, Douma will go out of his way to make you feel less insecure even though he finds it utterly stupid that you are. The little shit still loves you unconditionally and will be genuine with you. He isn’t fake with you like how he is with his followers who suffer from insecurities.

Btw he ate the people who made you feel shitty about your appearance.

AKAZA

he is appalled..

LIKE WHAT???

YOU? INSECURE?

YOU OF ALL MORTALS?!?

High-key freaking out at first because now he feels like he did something wrong

I headcanon him as an overthinker when it comes to those he loves.

You elaborate your darkest feelings to him and he listens like the good boyfriend he is!

This sweet baby is the nicest and most understanding about it though!

Unlike Douma he won’t think it’s stupid. Your feelings are valid!

Akaza detests how insecure you are though. He’ll do anything in his power so you don’t feel that way anymore though!

You reassure him that he’s doing his job right as a demonic boyfriend before revealing that someone else made you feel this way.

Okay, okay.. so it’s not him but some other asshole.

He’ll be really bummed out if he can’t kill them:(

Assumes that’ll make you feel better if he gets rid of that garbage walking the earth.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to kill them for you? I hate how they made you feel insecure about yourself..”

Like, no, akaza it’s fine!!

But if you’re a person who seeks out revenge and WANTS the people who rejected you/made you feel bad about your looks dead this man has zero issue making your desires come true. 💅

After you confess to him about your past rejections and bullying in the past over noticeable features you have he’ll worship you even more that day. He’s the type to bring you flowers and remind you that you’re gorgeous/handsome whenever he gets the chance.

This behavior also comes out in the bedroom but that’s a different story for another day. 😩

[sussyscurryscorpio]

Random Astrological Observations (Mars Edition) Part-8

(this picture does not belong to me in any fashion) (Please take only what resonates)

~Sagittarius Mars people. You all are, well, argumentative. Don't deny it. It is a good thing. You all defend your beliefs or the things you feel are right, according to you, very firmly. Be it your religious beliefs or political ideas, if someone doesn't agree with you, you make sure they do after a conversation with them.

They ain't the people to say, "Well, everybody has their own ideas." It's either "high way or my way" for them. Also, it's either black or white for you. You don't believe in greys. Like, if someone holds a different opinion than you, they're wrong. Ain't nobody changing your mind, Sagittarius mars.

But, you always listen to what the other is saying. Regardless of anything, you'll listen to their side of the argument and then pull up your fact list and counter it well. The fire sign drive is very evident.

My Libra Mars to you be like: 😍

~Mars, as y'all know, is exalted in Capricorn. Well, I'd like to salute to these people. You and your will power and grit🫡 You people are BORN LEADERS. Courageous. Disciplined. Practical. Like, if you have this placement, there's a great chance of you going into the Armed Forces or Police, or even an Entrepreneur.

Business Leaders.

Just keep in mind, though, to not get too much in your head. This placement shows a lot of ego due to the success you may achieve. There's no pride in a success without humility.

And if you guys ever find yourself in a position to help others, which you will, please do. Leaders lead and this placement loves to lead too at times, so find people to help and lead them to success because you can.

~All this can be affected by other placements too. Like if you have Venus sitting in here with Mars, or even Moon in the same house, it can make a person go soft where he has to be headstrong (work decisions) and make a person go harsh where he has to be gentle. (like love affairs)

Venus and Moon are soft planets. They cushion the Martian harshness (which it doesn't need), making a person end up being conflicted in what emotions to feel at what time.

Repressed anger, feeling choked up by intense emotions or arguments, unable to hold back tears when given a reality check. This often happens with Venus-Mars or Moon-Mars conjunctions.

~This also happens a lot with Cancer Mars, Libra Mars and Taurus Mars. These mars placements have a tough time communicating their anger. Either they suppress it and let it consume them or they burst out at their loved ones. (Might be a tad bit better for Taurus Mars since they are a little grounded... or maybe not)

Especially Cardinal Mars. You aren't supposed to anger a Cardinal Mars intentionally! They may hurt you besides hurting themselves by lashing out on you. The more they get angry, the more they feel guilty afterwards.

~Virgo Mars have an urge to ransack everywhere for flaws. They hate hate HATE flaws. They even see flaws as failures, even if they may not show it outwardly. Very detail oriented people.

Mars here is more into on paper or communicative passion or drive. They devote their everything into things which are on paper- contracts, agreements, deeds. This placements makes great advocates or attorneys.

In 3rd house let's say, Virgo Mars people could have a thing for arguments. Vocally aggressive. Might find a feeling of being 'alive' in arguments.

In 6th, they may be obsessed with their body image. Perfect diet, perfect body, perfect routine. (TW: may be Hypochondriacs)

In 7th house, these people may go and find flaws in their partners. Their habits or hygiene or lifestyle.

In 11th, they may obsess over their social image on Instagram, Tiktok, etc. How people perceive them.

~Leo Mars beauties. Muah Muah Muah❤️ Queen B energy, guysss! Or is it IT girl energy? I'll leave that to you to decide.

They get the spotlight, that y'all know. What may differ is whether or not they like the spotlight they are in. Often, they would just be minding their business, they enter the room and BAM, all the heads turn at them.

These people have a command on attention. When they enter, everybody knows they are here. Leo Mars people, many, might even hate it. Like if they have a Capricorn ascendant (Scorpio in 11th), they maybe like "Tf is with everyone knowing my business OR not letting me stay lowkey? Stfu y'all and go back to whatever you were doing, shoo."

(just an example please y'all😭)

~Had to cover base on a Air or Water Mars, but I've already talked about a Saturnian Mars, Mercurial Mars, Venusian Mars, Jupiter Mars...

Sooooooo, let's go Martian Mars.

Mars in Scorpio and V for Vendetta. I admire this placement. I really do. They are so tactical with almost everything. They are the people who are most probable to have Plans A to Z for a Zombie Apocalypse.

If I may, I'd say 'The Professor' from 'Money Heist' was a Scorpio Mars. The character I mean. Just what I feel.

These natives give me that undercover FBI agent vibes y'know. Or if you've seen that anime 'Spy X Family', the Agent Twilight gives me Scorpio Mars energy. The dark, siren, clever energy. Just my observation lol.

They could even be the most childlike person you've ever met. Other placements and aspects change everything.

So, it's better if you take everything I say with a pile of rock salt. lol.

[emp-t-man]

eiffel and minkowski are often perceived (either by the other characters of the podcast or its audience, but mostly by each other) as the lazy slacker who sucks at his job and the competent go-getter who’s the best at what she does, and yet neither of these things are true. i think one of my favorites of their parallels is they are both exceptionally good at what they do, and yet they both constantly suffer from doubts about their own abilities. they just have completely different ways of going about this insecurity, and that’s what creates this stigma about them.

eiffel has proven time and time again that he absolutely knows what he’s doing in his field. He’s extremely protective over his equipment, he knows exactly what to do when it doesn’t work ninety nine percent of the time, the man made two way radios from old audio recorders, for christ’s sake, not to mention the way he was able to figure out how to survive for months in the middle of deep space completely by himself. but one of his most fatal flaws is that he doesn’t believe he knows what he’s doing. his self hatred and insecurity run so deep that the moment he believes he’s not cut out for something, he stops trying entirely. he sees people like minkowski doing such a good job in their position, that when people like that tell him he’s incapable of doing the same, he believes it, because he never believed in himself, anyway. i think the most obvious example of this is after the season one finale, when he learns about the decima project. the minute he learns that being an officer of communications wasn’t his only purpose on that mission, he comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t serve that purpose at all. he resolves that he was simply an “experimental meatbag”, chosen for the mission because he had absolutely nothing else going for him. he’s so quick to dismiss his worth and his capabilities, and so he leans into this persona of a good for nothing procrastinator to avoid letting his peers down by never letting them form expectations of him in the first place. of course, he isn’t perfect, he is a bit of a procrastinator and a scatterbrain, but that’s far from all he is.

minkowski on the other hand, she’s constantly praised for all of her achievements and hard work, be it by goddard, by her students, her superiors, lovelace, and especially eiffel in the later seasons. she’s seen as strong, and resilient, and an excellent leader. but the thing is, she also constantly doubts her own ability. this can also be seen during the season one finale, where she apologizes to eiffel because she describes hera’s deactivation and hilbert’s mutiny as her own fault, because she wasn’t a good enough commander to prevent it. but the thing about her is when she starts to doubt her capability, she works overtime to try and prove herself and anyone else who may doubt her wrong, which is also unhealthy! it happens with the plant monster, when she continuously risks her own life just to prove to herself that she can have the slightest bit of control over a situation. it happens during pan-pan, where she attempts to keep the stress fractures in the station a secret and handle them on her own because she wants to be able to protect the lives and morale of her crew the way a “good commander” should! instead of giving up and saving herself the disappointment if ever she should fail, she does the complete opposite, working herself to the bone and obsessing over every detail to make sure she doesn’t fail, no matter what it takes.

now here’s the kicker— after the events of desperate times / desperate measures, eiffel and minkowski completely swap coping mechanisms. when lovelace comes to, minkowski almost immediately asks her to assume the position of commander in her place, because she thinks that the loss of lives means that she completely failed her objective and isn’t fit for the role. her stepping down is essentially giving up in her eyes, because why hold such an important position if you’re no good at it? meanwhile, in episode fifty two, after eiffel gets called out on his, while without malicious intent, inconsiderate and distasteful behavior, he completely withdraws from the rest of the crew in order to work extremely hard on his own tasks, ultimately risking his and the rest of the crew’s life in order to prove he can be useful. sounds familiar, right?

but the thing is, they’ve each already spent so much time reverting to their original way of coping, that attempting the other’s method is immediately clocked as simply being concerning and out of character, rather than establishing them as the opposite archetype of being capable or not. lovelace expects minkowski to always resort to overachieving, but not because its a way to disprove her insecurity, but because it’s just “who she is”. so when she does the opposite, that’s when she realizes something is wrong, and resorts to comforting minkowski instead of simply letting her do what she’s elected to do. hera expects eiffel to laugh off any mistake he makes and go back to goofing off— not because it’s his way of avoiding disappointment from those he cares about, but because it’s just “who he is”. so when he does the opposite, focusing solely and intently on his duties where he was so comfortable neglecting them before, she realizes something is wrong. and when he explains to the rest of the crew that his actions are only to “help the only way he still can”, they realize something is wrong, and choose to comfort him rather than simply rolling their eyes and letting eiffel be eiffel.

it is. so incredibly late at night so i don’t know if this makes the sense i want it to make but i just. cannot get enough of how much they compliment and reflect each other. they seem to have nothing in common on the surface, but they fit together so well in terms of how they operate as people and i’m obsessed with it

[soapoet]

what do you need to heal?

oof, you all deserve a hug.

01.

Shufflemancy: SENSITIVE by MOTHICA

your feelings are really potent. you feel like a pressure cooker, constantly ready to burst open. emotions are both your playground and your graveyard, it seems. you feel everything strongly, but there is almost a sense of it never being enough. you yearn for something more, something bigger and better to latch on to. you've probably been accused of being toxic once or twice, and there may be a trail of broken lines of communication behind you as a result. but you have no ill intent. you have so much to give, and all you want is equal returns for your investments. interpersonal relationships especially feel lackluster to you.

here's a storyline that might resonate: you meet someone, platonic or romantic, and sparks fly. you're so invested, they take interest in you, you're each other's favourite person, two peas in a pod, partners in crime, a dynamic duo. every day you pour your heart and soul into this connection, drop the drawbridge and invite them inside your walls to experience you and your world fully. and with every day that goes by, slowly but surely, the honeymoon phase begins to fade. their efforts lessen, even when they say you're their whole world they never seem to find the time, they stop sharing, and feel intruded upon when you inquire and poke around to see what's up. you step back, thinking yeah, alright, i just need to chill, give them space. but that just makes things worse, doesn't it? you end up feeling abandoned and the grief for what the connection once was is agonising. every time you try to rekindle the flames they lash out. you're overwhelming, nosy, obsessive, they feel cornered. oh my god, you're so toxic! and then you fight. you fight for your feelings and the relationship. they just seem to fight you. you tell them they knew what they were getting themselves into. you showed them everything. shared the deepest, darkest corners of your castle. didn't they say that it's okay, that you're perfect as you are, flaws and all, and that they'd never leave? and then they still do.

you're not a monster. you're not trying to lure people in and make their lives miserable. you simply seek companionship. the kind that seems impossible to find these days. you understand that everyone has a life of their own, things to do, and that it's okay to need time and space. what you do have a problem with is the lack of trust. when you drop your armour you need reassurance that it's not in vain and that you are safe. that your vulnerability won't be taken advantage of. you don't want to worry about whether or not you let wolves inside your castle walls. what you need to do is learn a healthy dose of discrimination. really vet the people you let in. take things slowly, and allow things to happen without having to force it. let people come to you. wield your emotions in a constructive way. if you feel like a fraud trying to fit into the whole love and light spiel, then don't force it! you're incredibly powerful. learn the art of transmutation and try to make your emotions work for you instead of against you. it may be easier said than done, but if anyone can do it, it's you.

02.

Shufflemancy: Bridges by ALIKA

stop fooling yourself. you're really making yourself jump through way too many hoops. things don't have to be an obstacle course. there isn't some long, ever-changing list of things that need to happen before what you want can happen. it's like you're running around in a hamster wheel. chasing after what ifs, looking for signs and clues, and when something doesn't align then oops, there you go, right back to the drawing board. reconfiguring things, going back and forth, fine-tuning, undoing, scrapping everything and starting all over. reading your energy feels like i'm walking into a room with crumpled papers all over the floors. and when i look at them, your plans and ideas are so good! why have you cursed yourself into this space of false starts and stagnation?

because your head is full of doubt. your mind is like the static of an old tv screen. there is so much noise, buzzing around and it's so loud you're unable to think straight. there are so many distractions. you're being pulled in so many directions. everywhere except forward. you are so focused on that first step being absolutely flawless that you'll do anything but actually take the damn step. every time you gather yourself and tell yourself alright, it's go-time my dudes, you just stand there, or notice something that you just gotta fix real quick. and before you know it, you're doing all kinds of busy work. anything to make you feel better about not doing what you want to do and feel like you're at least making some contribution toward your dreams.

you heard there would be signs that you're on the right path or that your manifestations are working, and you took that personally. you see a sign, then look for confirmation that the sign really was a sign. then you tell yourself you need to stop actively looking for signs because then you won't recognise the real signs. but uh-oh, what if you were already doing that? does that mean that the sign you noticed was a false flag and you're just delusional and just out there fooling yourself? please give me a sign that— stop. sit down. cut the noise out and just breathe. you really need to start trusting yourself. you have a vision. a path forward. you got shit to do, things to achieve. stop checking the time, the mirror, the skies... just check yourself. still want what you want? great, you got it. have some faith in yourself. refocus your energy and try to stay present. it's okay to get distracted and it's normal to doubt, just don't let the doubts and distractions rule your present moment. the light has been green this whole time, so just go.

03.

Shufflemancy: Trauma by NF

no. that's two letters, but it feels wrong in your mouth, doesn't it? like it's too big or like it'll break something. when we're drowning there is a period known as 'voluntary apnea'. our instinct to not inhale water is stronger than our need to release the buildup of carbon dioxide that occurs when we hold our breath for too long. the brain can cause us to endure the increasing terror and physical pain because of this survival instinct. and it feels like your ability to say no is behind this kind of mental block too. when you do say no to things it almost feels apologetic, and is riddled with apologies and reassurance. you don't want to do this or that, but it's just today, maybe some other time, you'll check your calendar, assure them it's not like you don't care, you're just busy, you gotta go. you'll find any excuse that sounds reasonable when you don't have one. and for what? you don't need to explain yourself. no is a full sentence.

it really feels like you're on the outside looking in. you have a fear of not just missing out, but being left behind. it's like you've convinced yourself that in order to be worthy and good you need to please everybody. maybe in your past you've been betrayed, experienced neglect or really, truly, felt all alone and without support and guidance. so when you're around people you're on your best behaviour. you listen and you are eager to learn. you adopt people's hobbies or otherwise make an effort to be there for them. people come to you for advice, you're a shoulder to cry on, a problem solver, a good time. but when you get overwhelmed, your nerves get the best of you and you need someone to lean on, you feel like you shouldn't burden people. they have better things to do. maybe they wouldn't be able to help anyway, so why bother?

in many ways you feel like a ghost. not quite sure where the influences of other people and life circumstances end and where you begin. your boundaries are so blurry it's no wonder you've accepted so many concepts of yourself that it feels like the hand of cards you were dealt are masks instead of tools. you may need some time in isolation and solitude for a while. not to say farewell to the world and become lonely, but learn to really be with yourself and figure out who you really are and who you want to be. put yourself on the operating table and start carefully removing things that don't serve your well-being. you are whole all within yourself, and i promise that it's all complete and good and worthy of so much love. you don't need to be patchwork quilt made of concepts forced upon you by the world. you're allowed to be yourself and grow in exactly the direction and at the speed that you want. there's room here under the sun for you too.

[tokoyamisstuff]

Stitches

Mark Hoffman x GN! Reader

A/N: Wtf, I had this basically finished work in my drafts all this time?? Anyways, enjoy.

Summary: After Mark Hoffman's true identity has been revealed, his personal apprentice has to step in.

Warnings: Angst, Blood

Notes: Hurt/Comfort, Takes place in between SAW 6 and 7

Words: 1800

"Almost done..."

You were in the very same warehouse as the participants of the current game, tinkering on some of your mentor's latest inventions.

Mark would never openly admit, but while he was the mastermind behind most traps, it was your finishing touch that made them possible.

Not bad for a basically self-taught engineer, right?

As your eyes wanderes to the timer on the top corner of the livestream, you realized that this test was almost over. To not get distracted you had muted the old TV. However due to the proximity, most of the dampened screams would still dring to your ear.

Gladly, the more you get used to all of this, the more selective your hearing becomes - so you had already fallen deaf to them.

You huffed while trying to lift the heavy tool onto the workbench again, not bothering to wait for Mark to help you. Taking a sip of water, you watched the subject reaching the final part of his test.

Unbelievable that it’s already been one year since you’ve become the next generations Jigsaw’s apprentice, assisting Mark with every game ever since John and Amanda had passed away...

...and in your eyes, the sacrifices you had to make were all worth it.

Grabbing a towel to pat off the sweat from your face and chest, your mind wandered back to the day you had revealed yourself to him. Being a mere admirer of Jigsaw's work and philosophy, having found out Detective Hoffman's double life on your own.

But he was different than John Kramer and Amanda Young. Played by his own rules, which you oddly sympathized with.

Why giving those dangers to society - like Seth Baxter - a second chance? They shouldn't be allowed to roam freely. No, all they deserved was to be put down for good, after experiencing what their victims had.

You remembered Mark's hands on your throat the second you confessed to him. Couldn't blame him, though - last time someone told him "I know who you are", there was a shotgun draped to his neck shortly after.

The mere fact that you had survived this encounter, let alone having been declared his secret accomplice, made your chest swell with pride.

After all, you had gained somewhat trust and respect of basically the most misanthropic person on earth.

After a while of negotiation Mark had been impressed by your skill, both physical and mental. Having figured out his identity when not even the police or FBI couldn't...

...furthermore, your almost obsessively worship of his every action was exactly the kind of ego stroke he just couldn't reject.

And so you ended up his loyal subordinate, working for him from the shadows and taking every wish as your command.

Over time, the two of you had become a lethal combination - complimenting each talents and evening out the other's flaws.

It was pretty obvious that he was a sociopath, unable to sharw any personal bond with anyone. You may have shared a heated fling or a passionate night occasionally, but that was it.

This man was just using you, and you have been equally deranged enough to enjoy this. Addicted to the thrill of adrenaline that came to being associated with him.

You’d follow him blindly - even if it meant your own death.

Speaking of...

You jumped at the sound of a heavy steel door opening, immediately cocking your gun towards the entrance - force of habit...

...yet instead of a threat, something even worse came inside.

"Mark!"

This was certainly not the first time you had seen him covered in that much blood, but this time was different - it was his own, and much to your surprise made you freak out.

The man mutely limped towards your workshop, only a dirty cloth covering his torn cheek. "Shit, you're going to get an infection..."

Rushing to get the first aid kid while he threw the reverse bear trap onto the table, you figured this was not the time to ask about what exactly happened.

Not that he'd be able to answer anyway even if he wanted to, given his current state.

You couldn't help but laugh as he tried to snatch the medical supplies out of your hand. "You know you're allowed to need help sometimes, right?"

He furrowed his brows at you, and while most normal people would be intimidated by his demeanour, you found him almost adoringly stubborn.

"Now come here, would you..." you ordered as he finally let go off of the kit, worry present in your tone.

The man grunted approvingly, making you laugh. “You know, Amanda was right: You really are one of the last cavemen.”

Good thing he wasn’t able to talk right not - otherwise he’d advise you to never take that filthy name into your mouth ever again if you wanted to keep on living.

When he was finally sat, you carefully evaluated the wound - even though on the inside, it was hard to keep it together seeing him that way.

You were amazed at his composure up until now - the pain must be agonizing...

There was no time to lose either, a major blood vessel was torn and he was still actively losing a lot of blood.

Much to his luck, you were prepared for every eventuality. Glad you took those anatomy and first aid lessons back in the day, you just knew with your kind of profession that would pay off someday.

You quickly cleaned both hands from the motor oil, before pouring a whole bottle of your mentor's booze over them and the wound.

Deeply concentrated, you stuck out your tongue as you started patching him up. Hoffman warily eyed your every move, every stitch you so carefully placed to reconstruct his facial features.

This whole time, Mark had one hand firmly placed on your knee, squeezing ever so slightly. You were almost done, admiring his strenght to not even flinch as you patched him back together.

“Too bad for that handsome face, though...” you mumbled to yourself, speaking faster than your mind could catch up on. Not that he’d care about appearance or something like that anyway. “But men with scars are pretty handsome, you know?”

You handed him a mirror, scolding him to not touch the wound as he evaluating your handiwork. "The gentleman is allowed to thank me now” you chuckled as you noticed he wasn’t sure if he could talk again now.

"That bitch is gonna pay for this" he finally spoke, still a little slurred since he'd need to get used to the feeling.

"You're welcome" you rolled your eyes, still cheerful before busying yourself with bandaging his hand as well. “There's not much I can do with a fracture like this, but it'll probably heal itself. Just try not using it too much. Punch with the other hand, maybe? Haha..."

“We need to go” he stated with that gravely voice of his, face contorting in pain as he tried to clench his fist. "Jill tried to kill me. She got away, the police is most likely on their way."

"Ten steps ahead of you." There was enough time to understand the mess Hoffman had gotten himself into later. So for now you quickly threw both your identification papers in the fire barrel that had kept you warm until now, before turning to him.

You softly pushed him down onto the chair again, no words needed to tell him he should rest and let you handle this for a change. Just packing a bag with all the necessities, covering the workshop in gasoline and you were good to go.

“How sad...” you thought, turning around to watch your work go up in flames “I was just done with the tool.”

As if Mark knew what you were thinking, he rubbed some circles on your back before pushing you to walk faster. "We can always make a new one. Let's go."

The future might be uncertain, but one thing you was sure of: Soon, Detective Mark Hoffman would officially be a wanted criminal...

...but as long as you had each other, there was still hope for a good ending to this story.

"It's not over, but I need to stay incognito from now on" he uttered a little out of breath, your old car shaking a little as the heavy man entered the backseat. "You'll need to make the preparations and anything else I can entrust to you."

"Of course" you acknowledged, rummaging in your bag until you found what you were looking for. "Everything you want."

Just when you were getting the srynge into his field of view, Mark would panic, painfully grabbing your wrist to stop you.

"No..." he was so utterly exhausted, yet terrified of the possibility to be forcefully put to sleep like his victims and himself once.

“Mark...calm down” you cooed understandingly, your palm rubbing his cheek. “C’mon, it’s me after all. There's just morphine in there, it's not enough to knock you out. I promise."

Being such a control freak, it was hard for him to be at the mercy of another. Yet he nodded mutely and rolled up his sleeve to inject the pain medication directly into his bloodstream.

After all the fucked up things happening, sometimes he’d forget that there was actually one person he could trust.

"You know" he sighed, sinking deeper into the car seat as the drug showed it's effect, making him slowly but steadily relax. "You're everything I have."

“That’s the morphine speaking” you giggled, trying to keep your eyes on the road and he couldn't think but wonder if you always had such a soothing voice.

...and with you humming so sweetly, the sunset light illuminating your skin like this...have you always been this beautiful, or was he really just high?

“Maybe" he ultimately spoke, deciding he'd have to figure it out after everything was over. "Or it just makes me talk about things I usually keep to myself.”

You cracked a smile at this half-assed answer. Typical - but you admittedly liked even this part about him.

“Only this last game...” he continued stammering, and it was actually cute to see this softer side of this brute of a man. “John Kramer’s work is almost done.”

“And what are you going to do afterwards? Any plans, boss?”

With him being on the backseat, your eyes would only briefly meet through the rearview mirror...

...and what you saw may be the same man you knew for so long already, and yet so different.

Happy, somehow.

Smiling for a change. Genuinely and wholeheartedly, not this fake one he'd put up to fit in with society.

And you knew this one was just for you.

“When this is all over, I want it to be you and me.”

[carnivore-voyeur]

This tweet is almost a month old, but it has been festering in my brain this entire time and if I don’t let it out then it’s just going to get worse. How is this kind of message not embarrassing to this fandom, but also pretty harmful to our community as a whole? I’ve tried to let my anger go over this one, but you see I’ve dealt with both neurotypical and neurodivergent people in my life belittling my experiences in a way that’s pretty much prevented me from getting the support I need. So when I see someone make these assumptions about another person based solely on the fact that they clearly don’t like them, all that grief I have inside of me over being subjected to these kinds of comments myself comes crashing down.

This is in line with what I meant when I said sometimes the way people in this fandom treat Tobias versus the unmasked musicians is out of pocket. You put him on this pedestal as this fun, quirky man with genius ideas that scratch your “neurodivergent” brains and you idolize him to the point where he no longer has flaws. Then, you have this warped idea that in order to protect him (really, your interests) you have to constantly evaluate the people around him including the unmasked musicians - especially Per who has known him the longest, worked with him the longest, and who has been in the scene just as long as he has if not more. They’ve known each other since before Ghost. But you can’t accept that for whatever reason.

You are not obligated to follow the careers of the unmasked musicians. You’re not obligated to like or support them, but then why are you watching videos of them talking? If Per is “boring” to you, then why are you watching him? To come to this conclusion that he must be neurotypical because you personally find him “boring and weird” promotes a supremacist attitude in the neurodivergent community that just divides people into the good, “relatable” neurodivergent people and the bad, “weird” neurodivergent people and/or “neurotypicals” who might have their own private struggles. In that sense, “neurotypical” becomes an insult towards people who may not be neurotypical at all. You just want them to be so you can feel more comfortable with your internalized ableism.

Perceiving people as different from you and therefore “bad,” doesn’t become more acceptable just because you’re neurodivergent. This way of thinking actively harms people who are different. It’s also clear that these same people in this fandom are unwilling to learn the most basic things about the unmasked musicians before passing judgement on them. This is by far not the first time people have made wildly uneducated assumptions about Per, but this particular instance really bothers me because Per has been open in many ways about his own mental health and behaviors. He’s not the most open book, but he does have a well documented career and he’s talked enough about his own experiences that anyone paying attention can see he has his own struggles.

In his recent lives alone, he’s talked about having “tics” specifically scratching himself when he’s nervous which he does a lot (so neurotypical, right? - I’m obsessive compulsive, and I have tics. You know what’s happened to me anytime I’ve openly displayed my tics? People have told me to stop. Stop because it’s “weird” or annoying. That includes doctors telling me I just need to stop.) Additionally, he’s talked about having difficulty concentrating and not doing the best in school. Finally, Per has openly struggled both physically and mentally with drinking and anxiety and depression. Whether or not he explicitly talks about them, Per has had both physical and mental health problems and that is not a moral failing on his part.

Ultimately, you don’t know him! You don’t have to like him. You can think he’s boring - weird even. That doesn’t mean your evaluation of him is correct. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to belittle his experiences because they don’t match your own. If you don’t like something he said or did, then address that. This is not that. This is just ableism hiding behind neurodivergence, and it’s something that has prevented me from being seen because I’m not fun and quirky either. I’m not nice. I have less than desirable behaviors, including scratching and picking my skin and needing to be alone and shutting down. So even if Per never sees your comments nor cares about them, the people in this fandom around you have to and it really feels like shit.

[h-sleepingirl]

Milton Erickson and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar... (Essay)

Finally, I've finished this essay about connections I'm finding between hypnosis, Judaism, magic, and intimacy. It's ~4.5k words, extremely "me," and I'm really thrilled to share it. Enjoy!

--

My weakness is getting deeply invested in very niche topics.

Hypnosis was my first and most lifelong obsession. It was my confusing, shameful sexual fetish that I eventually took by the horns and -- through my desire to learn as much about it as humanly possible -- turned into a job. But not a normal sex work job where I do hypnosis for money -- a weird job where I just teach about it. The kink community, and the further-specific niche where people want to hypnotize each other during intimate experiences, became my home.

But the value of study doesn't really come from the quantity of people I'm able to engage with. It comes from the way it enriches my life. It creates and benefits from the capability to see overlaps between all of my various interests.

On the surface, it may appear that two skills have no relationship. But the deeper you get into each one, a synthesis appears.

At a certain point when you are learning hypnosis, all seemingly-unrelated information seems to fit effortlessly into your hypnotic knowledge. You can listen to a song and suddenly you learn something new about how to hypnotize someone. Maybe it was a lyric that gave you an evocative emotional response; maybe it was a pattern in the music that you thought about replicating with the rhythm of your hypnotic language.

Over a decade into my own hypnosis learning, I got very lucky and found a second passionate home in communities of Jewish text study about a year ago. I started from almost zero there and found myself again to be a greedy novice, obsessed with digging into it.

Of course, as I got further, it became that I read a page of Talmud (a text of rabbinical law and conversation) and suddenly I learned something new about how to hypnotize someone. And as I progress, it is starting to go the other way: I learn about Torah study by reading about hypnosis and intimacy.

There are two directions this essay can be read. “How can intimacy and hypnosis teach us about Jewish text?” And, “How can Jewish text teach us about intimacy and hypnosis?” One half is of each part written by me as an authority, and the other half is by me as an avid novice. The synthesis of these two parts of me -- just like any synthesis between concepts -- may perhaps create something new.

Models

I’m sure most communities have a version of the idiom, “Ask three people a question and get five answers.” For a long time, this was a source of frustration for me in the hypnosis community. Is hypnosis a state of relaxation and suggestibility? Kind of, but also no. Is it more accurate to say it is based on unconscious behaviors and thoughts? Well -- kind of, but also no. 

So what is it? Well, it’s probably somewhere in the overlap of about 20-30 semi-accurate definitions and frameworks for techniques -- what we’d call “models.” Good luck!

Why is hypnosis so impossible to define and teach? How have we not found a model that we can all agree upon yet? I think many people share this confusion, and it's complicated by the fact that most sources for hypnosis education teach their model as the model. It makes sense -- it would be difficult to teach a complete beginner a handful of complex frameworks with which to understand hypnosis when that person is just trying to muddle through learning “how to hypnotize someone” on a practical, basic level.

…Or would it be? By the time I got involved with Jewish study, I had long given up on chasing the white whale of some unified theory of hypnosis. I was firmly happy with the concept that all ways to describe hypnosis are simply models -- and all models are flawed, while some models are useful. I was delighted, when entering Jewish community spaces, to hear the idiom, “Three Jews, five opinions.”

This concept is baked into Jewish text study, in my experience. You can look at any single line in Torah and find innumerable pieces of commentary on it, ancient and modern, with conflicting interpretations. Torah and other texts are studied over and over -- often on a schedule -- with the idea that there is always something new to learn. And this happens partially by the synthesis of multiple people's perspectives adding to and challenging each other, developing new models. My Torah study group teacher always starts us with a famous line from Pirkei Avot, a text of ethical teachings from early rabbis: “If two sit together and share words of Torah, the Shekhinah [feminine presence of God] abides among them.”

The capacity to develop and hold multiple interpretations at once enriches your relationship with the text. So too do I believe that being able to hold multiple interpretations of what hypnosis is and how it works enhances your skill with it. It is not a failure of the system -- it is the best thing about it.

Intimacy

It is intentional to make the distinction of “relationship with the text” -- not “relationship to the text.”

My job on the surface is to teach hypnosis, but the meta goal is to simply teach something that helps people develop profound intimacy with others. I think that hypnosis is a kind of beautiful magic that is well-suited to this, but it’s not the only path to take.

One of my favorite educators, Georg Barkas, describes themselves as an intimacy educator who teaches rope bondage. Their classes and writings are highly philosophical and align closely with my own ideas about intimacy -- as well as my partner’s, MrDream, from whom I’ve learned so much. I frequently cite Barkas when I talk about hypnosis because I feel the underlying ideas they have about rope bondage are extremely applicable to all kink and intimacy -- and I will continue that trend here.

Barkas recently published an excellent essay looking in detail at the concept of intimacy itself. They posit that our first thought of intimacy is usually about a kind of comfort-seeking and familiarity. That’s contained within the etymology of the word, and socially it’s what many of us think of when we define our relationships as “intimate”: settling in to engage with a partner who we love, know, and understand.

But, Barkas asks, what if we place this word into a different context? They talk of how in scientific endeavors, the goal of “becoming familiar with” is unpredictability and discovering things that are surprising and unexpected. This perhaps offers a different view of intimacy: intimacy where you do not engage with your partner as though you know everything about them; intimacy where being surprised by them and learning something new is the goal.

My partner MrDream teaches about this often in hypnosis education: approaching a partner with genuine curiosity and interest -- “curiosity” implying that you don’t know what to expect, with a positive connotation. There is a kind of delicate balance between being able to anticipate some aspects of what is going to happen hypnotically -- to have a general grasp on psychology and hypnosis theory -- versus holding tight to a philosophy that neither you nor the hypnotic subject really knows how they are going to respond. The unexpected is not to be feared, but celebrated and held as core to our practice. Hypnotic “subjects” (those being hypnotized) who can relax their expectations will often have more intense experiences.

Thus we come to the first time in this essay where I mention Milton Erickson, my favorite forefather of modern hypnosis. Erickson was a hypnotherapist active through the 1900s and is famous (among many things) for presenting a model of hypnosis that wasn’t necessarily an authoritative action done to a person, but a collaborative and guiding action done with a person.

In his book “Hypnotic Realities,” he talks about how his view of clinical hypnosis is defined by how the therapist is able to observe each individual client and directly use those observations to continually develop a unique hypnotic approach with them. The client’s history, interests, and modes of thinking are utilized for the trance, as well as any observable responses they have in the moment. For example, a client with chronic pain may have the frustration they express over that pain incorporated into the trance. This is in deep contrast to hypnosis where the therapist comes in with any kind of “script” or formula to recite ahead of time.

It’s important to Erickson’s model that the therapist doesn’t know exactly what to anticipate, and it’s also important hypnotically that the same is true for the client. A common “Ericksonian” suggestion is, “You don’t have to know what is going to happen, and I don’t know either.” In order to develop the most effective approach with each patient, Erickson would enter into a session with some presumed knowledge, but ultimately learning -- not assuming -- how to best hypnotize each individual person.

We circle back to the phrase, “a relationship with Jewish text.” In my opinion, engaging with Torah is exactly this kind of intimacy. Torah is something we come into in order to poke and prod at it, to interact with it and to see how it interacts back at us. The teacher of my study group always cites a model where Torah itself is a participant in our partnered learning and group discussions. We ask it questions, we push its boundaries, we strive to glean something new and yet unseen. A line that may seem simple on the surface can reveal much more when we explore its context or put it into a different context entirely. 

This is easier for me to say as someone who is coming into learning Torah for the first time, but I am able to look ahead to when I will be fully familiar with the text and still be able to take this expanded definition of intimacy with it. Not coming to it without a sense of comfort, but still engaging with curiosity. MrDream teaches a model for hypnosis that is based on the idea of exploration -- exploring your partner no matter how long you have been with them. You are always coming to them as a different person, shaped by your ever-growing experiences and identity, and your partner changes as a human as well. I believe Torah is also dynamic in this way, as the context within which it exists -- and the way we interpret it -- is constantly shifting.

Ritual

I have been engaging with spiritual ritual on and off for as long as I’ve been learning hypnosis. The concept of magic has always been alluring to me -- not from a motivation to meet specific goals, but for something more difficult to pin down. I like that ritual, in an esoteric framework, is about looking at various metaphors between ingredients and actions; a candle representing an element of fire which may in turn represent intensity, or purity, or something else. Drawing meaningful connections between concepts like this is a skill I’ve developed in parallel with hypnosis, as well.

I was recently talking with a friend of mine who is also interested in esotericism -- we were sharing our frustrations with various books on magic and ritual. We wondered why so many sources would go on to teach prescriptivist formulas and associations, and not much else. Do this, and that will happen. This symbol represents that. My friend and I agreed that the ritual value of ingredients comes from how you personally assign meaning to them -- but why was everything always trying to teach us their meaning, as opposed to teaching us how to cultivate our own associations?

A week or so later, I happened to go to an excellent class that explored whether or not there was a place for smudging and smoke use in modern Jewish ritual. The teacher first took a careful, measured approach towards looking at indigenous smudging practices and the concept of appropriation. What followed was 30 minutes of history and text exploring examples of smoke in early Judaism, and then 30 minutes of a handful of interpretations of what “smoke” could mean and represent with relation to Jewish ideas -- directly practical to modern ritual. It was utterly excellent and immediately profound for me, as someone who has been yearning to blend my experience with esoteric ritual with my relationship with Judaism.

Observant readers will note that through this essay I speak passively about Judaism -- I am a patrilineal Jew, which for better or worse means that it is not a simple matter to say, “I am ‘fully’ (or ‘not’) Jewish.” (I am in the beginnings of working with a Conservative rabbi -- who affirms that I’m Jewish -- to make my status halachic [lawful], which is deeply exciting.) Opinions on that aside, a relevant piece of information is that the Jewish holiday we celebrated most consistently when I was growing up was Chanukah. While a lot of Jewish practice has been something I’ve been striving towards as an adult, Chanukah has always been “mine.” It was fast approaching after this class, and I felt motivated to use my newfound knowledge to make more ritual out of lighting the candles.

I was deeply surprised when all I did was light a stick of incense before saying the blessings over lighting the menorah, and my experience transformed into something intense. I smelled the incense and couldn’t help but think about what I’d learned about the Rambam’s commentary that incense in the time of the Temple was about making the Temple smell sweet to pray in after the burning of sacrifices. I thought about what I’d learned about the presence of God being smoke and clouds to the ancient Israelites. I thought about things I’d learned from other places -- hiddur mitzvah (the value of beautifying a practice), and a midrash (parable) about God loving the light and rituals we do in a very personal way simply because they are from us.

Esoteric ritual has often felt to me like exerting effort in making the associations of ingredients work for me. But this was effortless. I was doing something that was entirely my own, solidly founded by the broad and deep study I’d done, by my personal relationship with the concepts, by my identity.

In other words, the power behind this ritual came from knowledge, and the knowledge came from my intimacy with it. And that intimacy was not just with the study I had done -- it was also the process of being surprised in real time by what I was learning through the ritual itself.

Hypnosis gains “power,” in so much as we let ourselves use the term, through these same acts of intimacy towards knowledge. It operates directly based on various ingredients: how much we know about hypnosis theory itself, general psychology, the person we are working with, and ourselves. Hypnosis is a ritual -- it is setting aside special time to do something with a collection of ingredients that you have personal associated meanings with. If you can’t connect to those deeply enough, it won’t reach its full potency.

Knowledge, Perception, and Unconsciousness

One of my favorite concepts to teach in hypnosis is, “A change in perception equates to a change in reality.” This is derived from Erickson by MrDream, and it’s something he and I have had a lot of conversations about to refine. The implication of this is not something as trite as hypnosis having the power to change a person’s perceived reality. It is the concept that if you look at something from a different perspective, you gain various different capabilities.

For example, when you are feeling stuck in a situation and you think about what a close friend of yours would do if they were in your shoes, you gain the capability to see more options, to change your actual view of the reality of the problem and therefore change your actions towards it. In hypnosis, this could be the difference between simply telling someone to relax their legs versus another perspective of telling them to imagine what it would be like if their legs just started relaxing. It could be the idea that when a person does feel relaxation from a simple suggestion, their perception changes on what is happening -- they build more belief in hypnosis, and that belief in turn makes the next suggestions easier to buy into.

Erickson’s model of hypnosis is predicated on the idea that hypnosis itself matters, that hypnosis is a time within which someone’s reality changes. In his ideal hypnotic context, the subject feels like they no longer can expect things to behave as they usually do in their “waking” reality. They are thus opened to many different kinds of new experiences and capabilities. To Erickson, perception matters -- by itself, it’s a primary driving force behind literal change and response.

This ties back to our idea of intimacy -- just as I aim to approach my partners with this profound curiosity, just as I aim to approach Torah, I want to have this intimacy of the unexpected with trance itself. I want to allow myself to be surprised by hypnosis, by the things I don’t yet know about it even after more than a decade and thousands of hours of trance. But more than this, in an Ericksonian sense, simply changing my perspective to this motivation is one of the things that lets me get there.

I went through a guided study class about Shabbat (Judaism’s weekly sabbath of rest) with a partner, and so much of the class was in the abstract that it at times felt difficult for me to latch onto. We were learning all of this background context about a view of Shabbat where instead of spiritually striving and reaching on that day, you come in acting as though your spiritual work -- like your other work -- is “finished.”

In one session, we spent a chunk of time parsing through how we could interpret that as actionable. It felt like it just wasn’t clicking for me -- the midrashic texts weren’t offering enough for me to feel like I could make judgments on questions like, “Does this imply I shouldn’t meditate on Shabbat in this context?”

It wasn’t until I slept on it that I found a very simple piece of the puzzle: putting aside the questions of concrete actions, in an Ericksonian sense, the internal act of shifting my perspective would absolutely change the way I behaved and interacted with the day. It would become more indirect and unconscious -- instead of carefully analyzing my actions as I might with other Shabbat prohibitions on work, I could simply let myself act in ways that fit that perspective of “spiritually resting.”

The abstraction of the class made more sense -- perhaps it wasn’t trying to give us direct answers, but rather create a psychological environment for us that was well-suited to this more unconscious processing. Or rather, in addition to the sort of typical conscious halachic interpretation. If I allow myself an opinion here, I’d say that I care about halacha as actionable, but as always, I tend to care more about feelings and what’s internal.

This also lent credence to ways this class and the class on smoke and ritual changed my experiences. I was not given a set of actions to take, but rather a variety of perspectives that unconsciously made me think and behave differently. The concept of “knowledge is power” is both true and alluring in many different contexts, and yet had often fallen through for me in most ritualistic frameworks. The way that it succeeds, I believe, is when you develop a relationship with knowledge that actually changes your internal perspective and perceptions.

Limitation

With this we return to the concept of models and interpretations. It is serendipitous to be going through these experiences at a time where I am avidly working on my next book -- the thesis of which is that in order for us to progress as hypnotists, we must get comfortable moving fluidly between many differing definitions and frameworks (models) of what hypnosis is and how it works.

It is as the Ericksonian principle would say: If you take a perspective on hypnosis that boils down to “hypnosis is about relaxing the conscious mind,” you will do hypnosis according to that perspective. You will use relaxation-based techniques and make an effort to get someone to think “less consciously.” If you instead take a perspective that is “hypnosis operates based on activation of the conscious mind,” you may do hypnosis that causes someone to think and process in a more stimulating way.

Both and neither are true, and they can coexist. I believe that most models can be useful -- some more useful than others. But the best thing you can do is to not assume that one model is the most correct one -- instead, it is to develop the capacity to work within many at once even while being aware of their boundaries.

Jewish text, in my experience, provides models -- perspectives that themselves give guidance on how to understand things and act. I think especially about midrash and stories that are explicitly intended to fill in the gaps or give an alternate view on something. The question of, “Is there one correct way to do/see things” is more complicated here, but there are areas -- especially in those subtle shifts of mindset for ritual or interpreting text -- where the answer is still “no.”

My time so far in Jewish study supports this in a different way. There is a human element of collaboration and challenge. Learning as we do with a chevruta (study partner) adds another person to the relationship -- it is no longer just between you and the text. There is another human who you are building something with, and it is “intimate” according to our exploratory definition in an even clearer way.

The purpose of a “scene” inside of kink (a “session” of kink play) is to operate in a semi-limited framework -- limitations exist on who is involved, where it begins and ends, how partners communicate, and what themes/topics/activities are involved. These limitations -- though they may be quite broad -- are partially what allow for intense experiences. A scene needs to exist in a different “space” than our daily lives, and it needs to operate by different rules and involve different ingredients. Here, we also see overlaps with the definition of a “ritual.”

This doesn’t just facilitate intensity (and safety) -- it facilitates learning something new about your partner. By taking your relationship and putting it into a limited context, it allows you to observe it in a more careful way, where novel changes can be more obvious.

Studying with a chevruta is much like this. I have had study sessions where my chevruta and I are meeting for the first time and the only thing we are aware of sharing is our desire to dive into a piece of text. I’ve also had chevrutas where we know each other outside of study, and some of our time is schmoozing and catching up. But in all cases, we are limited in scope, and that limitation creates ease of access towards the common goal of expanding our knowledge and relationship with the text. We are focused; we are motivated. We are creating something that we can only create through who we are as individuals and what we are doing as avid learners.

This has surprised me at times with its tenderness and intensity. Building well-founded interpretations with someone is in and of itself very intimate -- not sensually, but humanly. It has given me something I have always wanted -- an intimacy that is pervasive not just in application of knowledge, but in the development of it. A feeling of sacredness and joy from being able to see so many different perspectives.

I long for this connection, this alchemy. Yes, all models are limited. But within those tight, restricting limits is the potential energy of creation.

“And I Must Learn”

There is an infamous story in the Talmud, in Berakhot 62a, where Rav Kahana hides under the bed of his friend Rav Abba. Rav Kahana hears Abba and his wife giggling and starting to have sex, and remarks out loud that Rav Abba is acting like someone who is famished. Rav Abba, mid-sex, understandably says, “Kahana, why the fuck are you under my bed listening to me fuck my wife?” Rav Kahana replies, “It is Torah, and I must learn.”

There was a version of this essay that began with this tale. I am enamored with the vast overlaps I can derive from its briefness: that intimacy can be studied sacredly both as a general concept and specifically with your partner; that we are obligated to learn ourselves, our partners, and general human desire; that there can be a thread of wholeness in every action of your life if you give every action sacred attention.

Even this, though, is a limited-context interpretation. The rabbis of the Talmud were certainly not sex-positive, especially not as we currently use the term. The surrounding triptych of conversations is similarly humorous but seems to comparatively describe sex as dirty or gross, and this bit of text cannot really exist separately from all of the places where there is halacha derived about sex that is about controlling women’s bodies or preventing queer and trans people from being able to live authentically.

But -- we are allowed to interpret like this. We are allowed to play with context and see what we discover.

For me, this is about finding the connections between my actions and my interests; parts of me that synthesize the whole. It is about developing intimacy with Torah, with my learning partners, with my romantic partners; with the people within the writings, with the authors, and with the readers.

Reading Torah is the same as hypnotizing someone is the same being intimate with someone is the same as doing a ritual. All things on a broad enough scale overlap this closely. There is value in this “zooming out” to a wide enough context to see the connections that exist -- just as there is value in celebrating the limitations that arise, models nestled alongside each other, when you “zoom in.”

We need both to be able to treat our learning -- all forms of it -- as something special.

[bambinambi]

Run, Mrigashira, Run!

I've just finished watching Baby Reindeer, and it made me reflect on my own experience as a Mrigashira native, the obsessive behaviour we are subjected to, but also the obsessive behaviour we exhibit as a Mrigashira native (with Jyeshta sun and Lilith in the 11th house), I've dealt a great deal with obsessive bullying.

Now, you might be wondering what that is. Basically, ever since I was young, I became incredibly good at hiding my true emotional reactions to situations going on around me. So, when I began to be bullied, I started reacting in that manner. Often, I look back at the absolutely absurd experiences I've had with my bullies in the past example; staring at me the entire time during class/lectures/in our dining hall, and any other public spaces we happened to inhabit at the same time, talking loudly about me and friends (me specifically) in classes and lectures to, I guess, goad a reaction from me. I even remember how these girls would go to my residence neighbour's room (in university) and talk about me and my friends for HOURS. I thought I could have been imagining it until I had an unrelated friend come over so we could do some work together, and she commented on it, making me realise that it was in fact happening, but also being incredibly disturbed by the fact that these girls were evidently obsessed.

I often wondered in what manner I should have reacted to these situations; Should I have given them the attention they so desperately wanted, or was any ounce of attention ever going to be enough? Should I have cussed them out, reported them to an authority figure, or would it have goaded them on? What had made people who had originally been my friends all of a sudden switch to being my bullies seemingly overnight, with no warning (I should also mention that I have Lilith in the 11th house)? I remember making the mistake of befriending a loner in our dining hall. He ended up wanting to date me, I told him I was not interested, and he proceeded to inundate me with messages, begging me to give him a chance. He even cornered me one day while I was going to the dining hall, alone, in the dark. He wouldn't let me go until I agreed to give him a chance. This was during the COVID-19 pandemic when I decided to travel back to my university town to have a change in scenery and had none of my friends be there with me.

And when I finally decided enough was enough, with people acting this way towards me relatively unpunished (unless you count social ruin) and relatively unscathed, and I would finally take a stand, I realised how flawed the system was; how slow it was, how the victim was the one forced to gather enough "relevant" evidence, both which could inadvertently cause more harm as they would have to continue to endure the potential harassment and abuse from their assailant, and sometimes how in the end, these efforts may cause more harm than good. I remember that after the members of the harassment centre had spoken to the guy, and I had received a no-contact order, I had not been told that I was the one who had to communicate that this student was not to interact with me, in any manner, to me to hall warden, warden and sub warden. I think it's ridiculous, as all the harassment centre had to do, was CC these individuals into the email they had sent me, stating that I had been granted the no-contact order. Instead, I was subjected to torment by the man harassing me for an additional couple of days until I finally got told that I had to put the no-contact order into action.

Basically, why I'm mentioning all of this, is because a lot of the time, people believe that Mrigashira natives woefully bring on this behaviour from other people. The truth is, regardless of what we do, we often attract the most obsessive people unintentionally. Even when I was my most shy and introverted self, I attracted a best friend, who would obsessively send me letters, professing her love multiple times a day although I never really reciprocated. She would tell people off for trying to speak to me. I remember that it took a year for many people in our grade to actually have a conversation, and they sighted this girl's aggression towards them as a reason. Mind you, I had just arrived at the school, but she had practically forced me into a relationship with her and scared away any other potential friends except the people in our friend group, and even they knew to keep their distance from me.

I realise that many of my friendships, in fact, had serious red flags, behaviours I didn't recognise as alarming at the time, such as friends "teasing" me (when really they were attacking every little thing about myself), friends who would constantly compliment me (admiration and envy are two sides of the same coin) and friends who evidently had attachment issues like the example I gave before. I'm sure there are many other examples I could give, but these are the most important ones. After each and every experience, I found myself obsessively dissecting every interaction, their behaviour, and my reaction to it. Trying to understand their psychology, trying to understand my own. One thing I recognise now is how my obsessiveness towards the situation may have been as a result of my deep insecurities in my "inadequacies" and "flaws". I was such an insecure individual, that I couldn't fathom why anyone would be so obsessively preoccupied by my every move, but most especially every flaw, and how their constant criticism of me, made me more aware and ashamed of who I was, that they thought their behaviour justified in the face of my flawed existence.

I became obsessed with trying to figure out what I needed to do and who I needed to be to prevent this behaviour from happening again. I would also obsess over these individuals' actions from a place of anger, cursing them for treating me in the manner that they had. I would think about them from the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to be, both when I was still having to deal with them, but also afterwards, sometimes years afterwards, going over the situations in my head, over and over. I was angry with myself for how I reacted to their actions.

Obsession can easily be experienced by both the assailant and the victim. For me, this obsessiveness also comes from a place of wishing my past was spotless, unmarred by traumatic experiences, but also my own faults and mistakes. I expressed that same obsessiveness about my future; how can I ensure I never get hurt again, that I can identify these individuals early, and distance myself while I still can.

The truth of the matter is these people will always exist in the world, and much of what I know now about how to deal with people, such as the ones I dealt with in my past, is a result of everything I went through in my past (I often used to wonder why I wouldn't heed my parent's warnings, and go onto do as I pleased, but really, I think I am the type of person who has to discover and make sense of things myself).

I no longer want to scrub my past away. I see how vital it was for me to have gone through what I went through to better understand not only myself but also other people. To learn where I too, need work, so that when these kinds of people come around, they will not completely consume me as the others that came before them.

I realised that by ignoring those people, I may have inadvertently been causing harm to them and bringing out the obsessive behaviour, agitating wounds that already existed inside them. I always thought they had been unjust towards me, but I may have, in turn, been unjust towards them.

By trying to feign indifference, I may have triggered them to act out in a manner, they may not have even been conscious of at the time, or may have thought appropriate to the insult they had thought I had been inflicting on them, because how dare I ignore them? Move on with my life as if they never existed. In hindsight, it was hurtful and may have evoked anger, even drudged up prior feelings of anger unrelated to myself. Being ignored and treated in a manner of indifference is hurtful.

While I don't take complete blame for their behaviour whatsoever, I now recognise how cruel and upsetting my behaviour had been. We had been friends, we had exchanged secrets and peered into each other, maybe deeper than other people had the pleasure of doing. And while their behaviour had been deplorable, I had unintentionally kicked someone who was evidently already on their knees.

One cannot control how another acts towards them, but one can control how they react. I also don't believe it was my responsibility to reach out or endure the bullying by virtue of understanding where it may have been coming from. Ultimately, I learnt a great deal about people and how certain behaviours can bring out different sides of them, especially evidently wounded by bullies and highly narcissistic people.

But at the time, like the doe, I decided that running away was the best call. But sometimes, in life, you are called to deal head-on with unfortunate situations. I was being forced to learn, not to bend to my nature and run away, but to run headfirst into any situation placed before me. I also was being called on to be vulnerable, if not with others, at least with myself. How my anger towards the situation was in fact deep hurt, had my ego allowed me to understand that, how my anger had showed me what I need to know about myself, and my own feelings towards myself. Bullies are good at reading people and knowing exactly which buttons to push in order to get a reaction from someone. I learnt that radical self-acceptance would make me an unsatisfactory punching bag.

Maybe the lesson to take away from Mrigashira is to not run away, but rather face life as it comes, to not obsess over the past, but rather to learn from it, and move on, to make peace with the fact that there may be no way of avoiding these unfortunate situations, and that your initial reactions to them may be equally as unsatisfactory or unsuccessful in dealing with it, but that you ought to move forward regardless, not in a sprint, but a leisurely pace. You can't accurately survey your surroundings while moving. To slow down and take a breather. Maybe then you'll that the thing you perceive as "danger" is often no more than a shadow, or a being equally as fearful as you.

But how do you know when you run away from everything indiscriminately. You will not always get caught if you slow down, Mrigashira. I think many of us Mrigashira natives suffer from anxiety, a fear that if we do not equip ourselves with an arsenal of mental fortitude and an escape plan, what comes next may be our undoing. But we've come this far, in the face of everything we've been through. I think we can give ourselves a little more credit for the strength and resilience we evidently have to make it through anything.

I know a lot of people may not like this post, or feel like I may be victim-blaming myself by identifying my own mistakes in past situations, but I think it is incredibly relevant in the Mrigashira experience to learn from life experiences, as to how best to navigate future ones, and that includes recognising how you may be unintentionally contributing, more than one thinks, to certain experiences in your life, because they are new, uncharted territory, or lessons we hadn't completely mastered the first time.

- 20 May 2024

[bad-as-me]

Morgott for the ask meme!

hell yes my boy!!

favorite thing about them

Honestly, Morgott covers the bases for a lot of things I'm weak for in a character. I love a guy who is so single-mindedly devoted to a cause, especially one driven by a need to be loved, that the rest of the world and their own well-being falls apart in the process. Something about the inherent tragedy of someone choosing to die on a hill that nobody asked them to take on, that would really be in their better interest to let go of and start anew elsewhere, and yet you want so badly for their efforts to be rewarded in some way because you know it's all for love.

It's just so terribly romantic in a gothic sense. He reminds me so much of the description of the creature in Frankenstein: someone that tried so hard to fit himself into the image of what his maker wanted, who speaks beautifully and eloquently in contrast to his rough exterior, who boasts an intelligence and a competency that was likely learned while hidden from society. And yet we know in both situations that effort will never be reciprocated.

Also, he growls and purrs and has a giant fluffy snow leopard tail. How can I not be obsessed with him.

least favorite thing about them

His big beautiful horns are so hard to draw :'(

Honestly, he's one of those characters where even his flaws are incredibly interesting to me. I like that he refuses to give up his position of power! It's something he worked so hard for, and to his mind must be the only way he can stay safe in a world that he knows wants him dead. I like that he can't let go of the status quo! As his Great Rune tells us, Omen or not he is the rightful Lord of Leyndell. By all standards of the world they're in, he has every right to be proud of that title. And given the alternatives he's likely had presented to him (Rykard, Mohg, the Frenzied Flame), why wouldn't he believe that this stagnant existence is the best he could ask for?

He's the immovable object to our unstoppable force. There's a nobility in his commitment to that, however misguided it may be.

favorite line

"We are all forsaken. None may claim the title of Elden Lord. Thy deeds shall be met with failure, just as I..."

I love his monologue in the beginning of his fight, but the fact that this is the last thing he says just tears me apart on so many levels. It really hammers home how much of his targeted spite towards us is him projecting his own sense of failure to his lineage. He crawled all this way through the mud, gave every drop of his accursed blood for the Erdtree, and it still wasn't enough. How could we possibly have a chance when all his efforts were for naught?

No matter how many times I replay it, I always take some time just to sit next to him after he says that, listening to the rain over the capitol and the somber song of Leyndell. The city really feels like it's in mourning at that moment, all for someone they hated too much to truly understand.

brOTP

Mohg and Morgott!!! The gruesome twosome!! The dynamic duo! Every piece of art or fic that depicts them having some brotherly squabbles and shenanigans brings a little bit of life back into my eyes :')

OTP

As far as canon characters go, it's gotta be Morgott/Oleg. We love a good knight/master ship around these parts, and I think he deserved someone as devoted to protecting him as he was devoted to his cause.

Outside of that, well. I am writing an ongoing fic of Morgott and my Night's Cavalry Tarnished (who was never a Tarnished but a secret third option, but you know.) I think about them a normal amount.

nOTP

Mohg/Morgott. I just want them to have one single family relationship in their life that is remotely healthy man 😭

random headcanon

He's good with animals, and prefers the company of them to people. Most of his communication to the Night's Cavalry is through carrier falcon, but if he needs to summon them all for a meeting, he can do so with an instrument that's very similar to an Aztec death whistle.

Also, he recanted his blood through the Church of Vows. Him and Miriel have a good rapport with one another.

unpopular opinion

Respectfully, I disagree with both the "Morgott is basically the Lands Between's evangelical gay republican" take, as well as the "Morgott is a soggy baby virgin who will cry if you give him a cookie" take.

I think he is a living contradiction in a lot of ways. He is simultaneously an accursed Omen, the lowest of the low, while also having tangible evidence that he is the child of a god and of a powerful bloodline. He has held Leyndell together for more than long enough both to be aware of its corruption, and to be in a position to change it, but he can't allow himself to believe any of it needs to be changed.

He is too stuck on the idea that he needs to uphold the way things are - to prove himself "better" than his curse - to change anything. This is directly contrasting his brother Mohg, who has made an entire cult around acknowledging the unjust suffering he went through.

Like the sealing of his blood into a sword, he represses that truth, until he is so broken down that it is released all at once - painfully and without control.

Because of this, I think he would recoil at the idea of being an object of pity. He has done too much to earn a respectable position for anyone to tell him that he deserves better - even if it's true, and he should be told that.

song i associate with them

Oh god I have a whole playlist of them. But if I were to narrow it down:

Sonne by Rammstein

Momma Sed by Puscifer

Romans 10:9 by The Mountain Goats

Helvegen by Wardruna

favorite picture of them

I am not exaggerating when I say this illustration by tendermiasma re-wired my brain on a fundamental level

[imyourbratzdoll]

Warnings and Reminders - Please do not plagiarise, copy, repost/republish, adapt, or translate any of my work on any social media platforms, apps, or third-party sites. The only platforms I post my work on are: Tumblr and Wattpad. I do not own any character of any franchise (Marvel etc.) All my works are fiction and may be dark or triggering content: READ ALL WARNINGS BEFORE PROCEEDING.

𝐀𝐑𝐈 𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓:

 ♡ 𝒇𝒍𝒖𝒇𝒇 ➳ 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒕 ❥ 𝒔𝒎𝒖𝒕 ❦ 𝒅𝒂𝒓𝒌

೫˚🖤❀ *ૢ🥀೫˚🌑

𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 ♡➳❥

summary - a broken woman finds love in herself and another, while the one who broke her grows regretful.

warning - trigger warning - miscarriage

𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 ♡➳❥

summary - you don’t think ari loves you, but he shows you how much he does.

𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐢 ♡ 

summary - ari is in love.

𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡

summary - ari isn’t a man to get jealous, but when it comes to you. god, he’s the king of jealousy.

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡

summary - we see the inside of ari and his wife’s life.

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐝 𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡

summary - ari falls in love with his wife again as he watches her take charge.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ❥♡

summary - the reader does something reckless on a mission, and ari isn't happy about it.

𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐲𝐞 ❥❦

summary - ari is separated with his ex-wife, what happens when an innocent woman at the bar catches his eye and ignites his darkest thoughts and desires?

𝐢’𝐦 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡➳

summary - ari is terrified of letting his feelings known.

𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡

summary - being the obsession of six men isn’t so bad.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 ♡❥

summary - talk of starting a family makes ari want to start right then and there.

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐩 ♡➳

summary - reader wakes up feeling flawed, seeing everything wrong with their body. ari doesn't catch on as fast and accidentally makes you think he wants someone else. will the issue be resolved after a fight you two have?

𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝’𝐬 𝐝𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐫𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥ 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 2 ♡❥

summary - you've been teasing your best friend's dad and his best friend for months, and they've finally fallen into your small trap.

summary - your best friend's dad and his friend fuck you in your best friend's room.

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐱 𝐟𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡➳

summary - your ex-husband interrupts your time with your new man, causing a small fight to break out.

𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥… 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 ♡➳

summary - you meet a man who brings security into your life, making the men in your past no longer matter.

𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡➳

summary - ari wants to be with you and your child, but your fears keep you from letting him in.

𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥

summary - you get fucked by your large man in the kitchen.

𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 ➳

summary - a series that will show you a broken woman, dealing with her broken family, an ex husband that treats her like shit, and a son that would rather be with his father.

𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡➳

summary - you become self-conscious after your boyfriend does something, causing him to let you know how much he loves you.

𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡➳❥

summary - you don't like how your "friend" tries to get with your best friend, so you show her who he belongs to.

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐫 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥

summary - your professor finally gets to feel your lips around him.

𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐩 ♡

summary - bear ari is completely in love with his tulip.

𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡➳❥

summary - you go to surprise your boyfriend and get jealous over the women hanging around him.

𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥

summary - ari ruins you, making you squirt over and over again.

𝐛𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐞𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥

summary - you and your dad's best friend ari have been sneaking around, and he decides to fuck you at the family party.

𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥❦

summary - ari finally meets his favourite camgirl at his regular diner.

𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡❥

summary - you and ari are sunbathing at the beach, and he decides he wants to make love to you right then and there.

𝐚 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐫’𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐧 ♡❥

summary - it has been a while since meeting ari in the woods, and while he goes out to gather food for you two, you manage to get yourself stuck.

𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐝𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟… ♡❥

summary - it's your first day working for the famous weatherman ari levinson, it turned out a lot better than you expected.

𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐤 ♡

summary - you spend the day with your husband baking biscuits.

೫˚🖤❀ *ૢ🥀೫˚🌑

[bibibbon]

Hi, 👋 so I saw a post about overhaul from Delaware where it says how overhaul shares paralels with afo...which is interesting as he is doing all he did thanks to his trauma.

Afo creating villains careless seems something he would do, intentionally or not (not sure why he didn't kill overhaul before)

So here my question, all villains in canon are people with some trauma. Izu has a trauma ...how he would be as a villain?

Just fishing thoughts/ideas I do have an idea for a villain Izu that I will write(another wip in the make)

Hi @mikeellee 👋

I understand and actually agree that overhaul and AFO do share parallels with one another especially when it comes to their roles as leaders and how they treat the people they're supposed to be carers of such as tomura and eri.

In reality, MHA presents all of their villains as doing something due to trauma and this also applies to AFO especially his obsession with yoichi.

Now to your question, there are so many outcomes for how villain izuku would be like or how he would act however, I think he would be a character that walks the line of villainy and vigilantism very closely.

Now there are and could be many versions of villain izuku and to be honest my favourite will always be quirkless villain izuku over quirked izuku.

Quirkless villain izuku would be a character that again realises and sees the inequalities in society he sees and realises that not every man is created equal but he chooses to try and help change that. He wants to allow for everyone to have the same opportunities in life and he uses his own trauma as a motive so no one will have to suffer like he did.

This izuku would form connections with various characters like nedzu, Lady nagant, Stain and gentle criminal. He works from the underground and uses his plain qnd forgettable looks as an advantage so he operates everywhere. His plans start from wanting to help everyone to starting to look closer and realise the flaws of hero society, the flaws of the hero heirachy, the flaws of all Might and he sees how these flaws make others suffer turning children into child soldiers under the promise of fames and riches. Izuku acts he sees and he acts and gets into illegal things.

On the other hand, a quirked villain izuku would also do the same thing yet he would use his quirk to uphold a fearful and frightening image. He is kind to the innocent and a villain to the enemy. His quirk would allow him to do many things a lot more quickly but may put him at a higher risk due to various factors whether that be AFO or the commission going after him.

Shigaraki would hear of this new vigilante/villain and choose to investigate out of curiosity realising that they couldn't be more different in how they would like to achieve the same goal. Both want a better society but shigaraki wants and believes that this society can be achieved through destruction whereas izuku believes this society can be achieved through rehabilitation.

They would argue, going back and forth both believing and upholding their ideals. Izuku would say, "you can't build nothing from nothing. If there is nothing then there can't be anything".

Shigaraki would retort saying that, " it is easier to create what's desired when there is a blank slate".

Ultimately, I believe that shigaraki would see and understand izuku's perspective slowly the two would start to gain one another's trust and become partners with izuku being his own independent force in the playing field offering ideas and plans to shigaraki who would be the leader of the MVA.

[doublel27]

That’s so valid about Owen. “I’m gonna go annoy my kids now”

And there was something so squishy about the 3 of them being a lil family unit now 🥹

I'm sure whoever you are, dear sweet nonny, you threw this in here knowing I would likely meta on about it.

And I've been thinking about the end scenes nearly all day.

I'm notoriously interested in Owen as a character. He's a facinating character who, like his son, has had his life scarred by loss. Owen's whole raison d'etre is saving his brother. It's why saving that one little girl from drowning sent him into a life focused on saving others. Then he lost his entire firehouse in 9/11, and slowly lost other survivors of 9/11 to cancer and mental health disorders.

Then, he has to bring his son back from the dead and moves him to Texas in an attempt to save his life and restart, all while diagnosed with cancer. We lose Tim Rosewater which sets Owen into deep levels of depression and guilt, because he'll never be able to keep the promise that everyone who starts a shift goes home at the end of it.

Gwyn is in town, and they're still in love and he's working on making it work. They're gonna have a baby and Owen has a redo. He's got a chance to do it RIGHT this time. Because Owen's fatal flaw is always believing if things had been different, if he had been better, if he'd beena moment sooner: maybe he could have fixed things. He had a whole speech to that effect in last night's episode, where he figured if he'd known about 9/11 ahead of time that he could have prevented his whole team from dying.

Then the baby's not his and Gwyn leaves and whatever Owen managed to cobble together of his mental health for Gwyn and teh baby disipates and there's a lot of very classic PTSD/depressive/anxiety things that come up in Owen.

And then we lose Gwyn which is devestating to everyone but Owen soldiers on for TK, but he's...not doing well, at all. He finally gets his ass to therapy and even though we see him make some progress he's still keeping TK at a distance. Mostly because TK's doing well and Owen CANT be Captain Save a Ho for TK in these moments. He does crop up (usually) when TK's struggling, but only when there's something TO DO.

This episode marked a change.

Owen, in talking with O'Brien, who is giving a speech pretty reminicent of Owen's own speeches, about how he made a promise and he didn't keep it because look at this awful thing that happened, and Owen manages to give solid reasoning to be like "Look, he's alive and his son's alive and that's something."

And then it's like the lightbulb goes off in Owen's brain as O'Brien takes off after his great nephew - that Owen is indeed alive, and his son is also alive, and that's something. He may not have saved everyone but he saved TK.

Then, Owen goes and picks up food (which is really one of Carlos and TK's main love langauges, is feeding people - TK does it with takeout because he shouldn't be in the kitchen) and brings it over. But he doesn't just pick up any take out, he picks up the chinese food that TK introduced Gwyn to that they used to eat as a family.

I take this to be significant in multiple ways:

One, the Gwyneth Morgan of it all. Owen picked something that was a family thing and brought it over. Which is a very significant thing to do.

Two, it's one of the few times that food is involved and Owen doesn't mention the healthy/unhealthy nature of the food. Look, I could probably write a whole disertation on why Owen Strand, who has survived 21 1/2 years post 9/11 is obsessed with his health, but nearly every interaction with food, Owen has a coment about it. He doesn't make a single comment about this round of chinese food. I lied, he doesn't mention it in 3.08 either. But that's in the wake of grief, and maybe here Owen's still living in it.

Three, ordering chinese is very clearly TK's comfort meal. Look, a lot of us who are neurospicy joke about TK being neurospicy. And when you are neurospicy, there are certain foods that are..."safe" or an instant "yes" all the time. And we default to them often. I know when I'm struggling when I'm like "It's a comfort food day." (I have a rotation) but it eliminates decision fatigue and the need to emotionally regulate if it's not exactly what you wanted. Chinese food has a connection to Gwyn, and comfort and it comes up a lot when TK's stressed. (Even in 3.03, when Carlos doesn't come home, TK ordered chinese for them)

And then Owen does something he hasn't done...at all...since TK moved out (maybe they did when they moved into Owen's house and I don't know where they had chinese in 3.08) but Owen shows up at their place to share a meal with them.

And it's significant because TK and Carlos have invited him over for many meals between seasons 2 and 3, and Owen never accepts. Or, in the case of 2.11, Owen accepts and then goes off to catch an arsonist instead, which could be his hero complex but could also be a general avoidance of things that are uncomfortable for Owen, like TK growing up and not needing Owen anymore.

For as much as Owen has been an absent father for various parts of TK's life, because of his PTSD and trauma and general *waves hands* Owenness, Owen is a loving dad who would do just about anything for his son. We know this, we've watched him do it. But Carlos is also a competent control freak who Owen trusts implicitly with TK's life on numerous occasions. I do believe there's a big part of Owen's psyche that doesn't know what to do if he's not NEEDED.

But at the end of 4.06, he shows up, with chinese food, which is not needed because TK and Carlos already made a beautiful dinner and are looking very handsome, but he comes in and tells TK that he's proud of him, again. And you know, not trying to blow people up is a very low bar, but you know, TK clears it. And then they stay and have dinner, and Owen inserts himself in his son's life, not because TK needs him, but because Owen WANTS to be there, and that's such a drastic change for these two.

I love that Carlos and TK bring him in. Look, we could punish Owen for his mistakes and transgressions, but that's never been who TK is and this is his last living biological parent (Enzo forever) and TK loves him. And Carlos loves TK and respects Owen and wants them to have a good relationship.

And I cannot wait for Owen to "do what he does best" (owen's words) and be a pain in their asses about this wedding.

[blackbutlerfandomnerddomain]

SO I WANT TO SAY THIS BEFORE I FORGET!!

I noticed how each chapter of Twisted Wonderland's manga series based off each game and their chapter with each Yuu/MC/the reader and viewer is different in a way of what would help contrast the focus of the story.

Examples being Enma Yuuken is strong and obvious extremally masculine there fore "strong" in looks than Riddle who's "strong" in the sense of brains and magic as he literally bulldoze across any set back to be the top of his school to a degree of being Housewarden a mere weeks since joining as a new student vs. this one guy who has no magic and only seemingly became a student regardless of background or magic history and is able to make plenty of friends when he can't think of anyone outside of Trey and Cater and Chenya to call his friend, maybe even doubt if they even see him as his friend.

Then we have Yuuka Hirasaka who is confident, kind, loyal, and brave as shit, proving her point by risking her safety for a animal in the road. Leona, try as he might, wouldn't even give a chance to prove he can do that because everyone already doesn't expect much from him, or at least that's what he said. He's confident for a different reason, also if you remember how things run back in the Sunset Savannah you'd argue Leona feels extra bitter and more in need to try and prove worth more cause he grew up not only looked down on by his magic and potion in the royal line but also is honestly scared of the women around him. He's more confused with Yuuka especially since she doesn't show much fear to him

Next we have Mito Yuuta who I love the most so far due to what may come. Azul is confident and arrant as a show off little shield cause of his own self insecurities especially his image, specially his body and it's weight. He was relentlessly picked on by everyone besides his mother mainly due to his weight which from that level of trauma he's willing to work hard to become the smartest, the strongest, the most respected, and hottest out of spite not cause he generally feels that he wants to, to him he needed to. And it's obviously still stuck on him enough to not take pictures regardless how much money he would make and even making Yuu(soon Mito) to break into something dangerous and steal the only picture of his childhood he was unable to hide in the mind set of destroying it, regardless if he thought it would work or not. Meanwhile Mito Yuuta is a big guy who's okay and proud of his shape and eating habits and kind of like the ones before he him he actually has people who want to his friend vs. the unknown certainty that Jade and Floyd aren't technically his friends, they openly claim him as entertainment and if he got boring they'd leave him.

In other words there may be a chance other chapters would have a similar method with not just the design choice but personality design of future Yuus to contrast against the "flaws" of the chapter's "bad guys or villains"

I want Chapter 4 to be a girl, maybe make her beautiful in some way or have the personality of Jasmine from Aladdin that way the weird vibes of Chapter 4 being super hella romantic and even more ship baiting in any and all forms feel right, not to mention that scene of Jamil hypnotizing us in the kitchen DISNEY GIVE ME THAT AMAZING ART WORK OF JAMIL JUST LOOKING AT THIS GIRL AND MAKE ME AS CONFUSED IN MY SEXUALITY AND FEELINGS AS YOU DID WITH JASMINE AND ALADDIN WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!!!

I also think having Chapter 5's Yuu whatever gender (maybe male or masculine based cause there's a pattern it seems) but either make them somehow cuter than the ones before even if it's one trait or maybe give them something like a birthmark or scar of sorts that would somehow deem them "ugly" the their world but Vil would be lowkey obsessive of slowly as that was his character is, he's so obsessed proving he's beautiful and good and smart and strong to the point he obsessed over others and their flaws

Though with Chapter 6 I'm stuck on just cuz I want a sassy Meg type Yuu but also want a tall handsome muscular man who's like Hercules and everything Idia most likely would wish to be including with open mention of having great relationship with their family or maybe even them being an orphan

What are your guys' thoughts and opinions?

[roo-bastmoon]

Quickie (but important) thingies

I've got like 15 minutes in between CT scans so of course I'm on my phone checking on Jikook because the crazy obsession is baked into my DNA by now. Y'all caught me.

Good news: Jimin is linked back up on Spotify. Well done, ARMY, for raising the red flag high and helping get this fixed today!! Let's always have Jimin's and BTS' backs!

Interesting news: It seems that folks Shazamed JK's behind the scenes video and the song that came up is called H-Thirteen (I can't check because the hospital won't let me access YouTube links). Can anyone confirm?

Request: I'm totally not trying to gaslight, minimize, or police anyone's fandom experience. But it feels like folks are on a hair's trigger out here these days. I get it, especially when it comes to Jimin. He has suffered so many insults over the years.

But before we assume Jungkook is a thief or plagiarist, before we assume his music video will be raunchy, before we assume the worst of any member, could we just hold out a bit for more information? It is possible all these concept choices for Seven are an homage to Jimin and Face. (I'm going to especially think this is so, if the song in the background is number-coded to Jimin and Jikook.)

It seems to me that Jimin has always been Jungkook's inspiration--perhaps even his muse.

And I'm not saying we have to blindly trust or believe the best in everyone. (I mean, I do, but that's me.)

Honestly? I have no great love of Hybe at the moment. I have too many suspicions around all the things that happened after Jimin's Hot 100 #1. But the people who work there are just people; I'm sure most are good and some are jerks, just like anywhere.

The members are also human beings. And human beings are always works in progress.

So I just would like to ask that if something a tannie is doing seems alarming, we say "Hm, that seems alarming!" rather than scream with our whole chests that a member is actively trying to hurt or sabotage another member. Especially when we've had years and years of evidence that BTS really love and trust each other.

Look, every member has flaws; they will make mistakes--sometimes big ones, as they grow. And we have a right to criticize behaviors we don't like. But I guess because of my past family life, I am personally triggered whenever someone automatically assumes mal-intent without asking any questions or waiting for more info to come to light.

Not saying we have to love everyone, or we can't call a spade a spade. I guess I'm just recommending we give a little grace until we get the whole story. I see folks on the timeline who just love Jimin so much, who fear the worst because of the lack of transparency or explanations. My heart beats with you, but I encourage you to hold on a bit longer. Let's see what Jimin has to say about all this.

It's entirely possible that Jungkook saw the way Jimin's hard work and sexy style was amazing but unappreciated by the company and he decided to pay respect to that with his single because he knows he's got the social capital to insist on it.

It's possible that stylists and marketing teams think these looks are the hot, sexy, edgy trends for this year and went with it.

I suppose it's also technically possible that Jungkook decided to "rip off" Jimin's style... and go all-in on payola for radio (which isn't confirmed yet)... and also lean heavily into a straight-acting macho-man raunchy music video (again, not out yet) -- but until we are very sure of any of that, may I ask that we speculate instead of accuse?

If it turns out anyone did Jimin dirty, I promise you I will grab my torch and pitchfork and be second in line (behind Hobi) to rage. But for our own health as a community, and as individuals combatting our own stressors, could we... could we just hang in there and give ourselves some time to do our due diligence before we assume evil or selfish intentions? That's my request.

(Caveat: of course--your blogs, your rules. You get to say anything you want in your space and I will never police you. If I'm really worried about something you're saying or doing, I'll just ask you about it directly. But I won't shade you, I promise. I'm just gently asking us to withhold judgement until we figure out what actually is going on. I hope that sounds reasonable and not condescending. I truly do value different perspectives and would absolutely love to count every person in the Jikook tag as a friend, even if we wildly disagree on things. So please don't read this post as me trying to be harsh or holier than thou. I'm simply trying to say: let's judge based on what is, not on what appears to be true.)

Ah, time to put more dye in my veins. Got to go. Love to you all!

P.S. Jimin smiling so happily while killing it in TikTok challenges is panacea.

[virgo-mess]

Kidnapper for Hire

Hey! I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and/ or holiday season. Our party is always on Christmas Eve, so I may have spent the entire day working on the first part of this Cash x Reader fic.... I worked on bits of chapter eight of Silver Thread and the first part of Silver Bells, too, I promise. It's just that I started this and literally couldn't stop. It's slightly darker than any of my other current stories, especially this first part... there's literal murder. All that aside, I don't think the rest of the fic will be nearly this heavy. I haven't got everything as mapped out, but I really wanted to get this out there for my Cash obsessed mutuals! I hope you enjoy it. Consider it a slightly late Christmas present!!!!

Kidnapper for Hire

Chapter 1: I Really Did Adore Your Outfit

Cash x Reader

TW: Murder, Stalking, Abduction, Cash lowkey becoming obsessed with you, Cash acting all causal about kidnapping you and firting with you while he's doing it, he also broke into your house several times before he kidnapped you and Masturbated over your bed when you were gone at least once...

Cash’s Pov

Cash sighed, setting down his empty coffee cup, he’d get another one soon. You’d be leaving the museum to head down to the local café to grab a sandwich and a cup of coffee for lunch. The same way you had been doing for the past two weeks he’d been silently observing you from afar. He’d been scoping you out for a job, aimlessly jotting down notes in his truck about your daily activities, the people you interacted with, and the places you frequented. Cash didn’t normally take this long to get a job done, especially not one with such a big payout but something about it, and you didn’t seem right. He had yet to figure out why someone as mundane and normal, seeming as you had earned such a price on your head. The more he watched you, the more questions he had for the man that hired him. Usually, he wouldn’t mind being hired on a need-to-know basis. In fact, he usually preferred those types of jobs, the ones that didn’t involve having a moral compass, drug deals were his normal prerogative, they didn’t involve getting up close and personal with anyone. You just grab the drugs, hand them off, and get your pockets lined with a substantial sum for putting your badge on the line. Cash didn’t care too much about the badge these days, the only thing it was useful for was getting background checks on all his potential hires and associates and ensuring everything he and Glen did stayed under the precincts radar.

            It was only recently that he felt confident enough to stray towards the more personal types of jobs, the ones where you may get your hands dirty. Unfortunately for you, you would be his first victim, the man who hired him assured him you weren’t going to die, Cash knew better but the prospect of a 600,000.00 payday was too tempting to pass up. He had tried to get a feel on the guy, ran his normal background check but all that turned up for James Reginald Green was a couple of class act lawsuits and indictments. Nothing particularly unusual for a big-time investor that owned a chain of hotels, most of the lawsuits were work discrimination based, also not surprising for a man that came from old money. Cash could overlook this character flaw seen as James Green had an approximate net worth of 400 million. Still, Cash was a bit weary of accepting his offer and asked if he could scope you out for a bit before considering. James assured him you would be an easy job as he gave him your new address, noting that you had moved all the way to Cape May, New Jersey. Quite a jaunt from San Francisco but Cash didn’t feel equipped to question it since James came all the way to Boston to find him. Cash made the six-hour drive down to Cape May and caught sight of you heading off to work one morning, finding James hadn’t been lying about it being an easy job. You kept to yourself save for a few coworkers, you didn’t seem to have a night life, any relatives, and had a total of two people Cash would consider your friends and even that was a stretch. Cash accepted the job and James set him up in a nice rental property after he told him it may be a while because he wanted to make sure he got the job done right. It wasn’t a total lie; he would need to lay low for a bit after fetching you before he brought you up to Boston. But he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t also because you piqued his curiosity, he wanted to know what you’d done to have a millionaire searching the country for you.

            Cash couldn’t deny you were really quite beautiful, it was the first thing he noticed about you that morning. You had emerged from your cottage in a very teasing little pink dress that fell off your shoulders and hugged your wide hips and ample breasts perfectly. Your curly hair was pulled back in a messy bun as you walked to your car with a large number of books in your arms. He followed you that entire day and wondered why a total doll like you was sat at the museum reception desk all day, you had all the books because it was considered the off season for a summer town like Cape May, and you needed something to do.  It only left him with more questions about you of course it made more sense for a woman with your beauty to live in a city like San Fransico as opposed to a vacation resort destination. He could only imagine the attention you got from all the ogling predatory wayward husbands and fathers that plagued the city in the summer. Cash had been ogling you for days, sometimes peering in your bedroom window every evening just to see what skimpy set you’d be wearing to bed that night. He caught on to the fact your air conditioning wasn’t working when he went to search through your cottage after you’d left for work one day. He had only done so with the sole purpose of getting some answers to his questions only to discover you had about four fans blasting in your room. The whole cottage, though exceptionally clean, was that sticky muggy kind of humid and Cash couldn’t help the way he fantasized about seeing your skin slick and glistening. He got off to it as he stared down at your perfectly made bed silently wishing you were in it to watch him stroke himself to the mere idea of your slick body, longing to know if your skin was as soft as it looked.

            Your cottage failed to answer any of his questions no matter how many times he’d broken in. In fact, it only left him with more, there were no personal touches in your cottage, no old paperwork even it was almost like you were a ghost, there wasn’t a drop of evidence that you even lived here. The name James gave him correlated with the giant box he found buried in the back of your closet like it was a part of yourself you were trying to forget. The contents of the box surprised Cash; in it were numerous beauty pageant trophies, scrapbooks from your childhood up until your college days at UCLA, and headshots the most recent ones were only two years old. The prospect of you being a former beauty queen surprised him, not because you weren’t that level of beautiful, you were but you now presented yourself as more of a reclusive small-town wallflower. He hardly saw you speak to anyone except your two friends Amy and Bea and aside from them all you gave passerby’s was a sweet greeting and a cute innocent type of smile. It was for that exact reason he couldn’t imagine what a man like James Green wanted you for. Sure, to the everyday messed up cops and average joes like Cash you were a spectacle, a rare precious flower you couldn’t resist the urge to pick or smell but to multimillionaire businessman women of your high caliber were a dime a dozen. Cash might even say James could pull women as beautiful as you or on the rare occasion more beautiful than you, though Cash wasn’t sure there were any, for a lot less than 600,000.00 what made you so special to him?

            Cash watched you exit the Emlen Physick Estate Museum at twelve o’clock on the dot, wearing one of those tight short denim jumpsuits with a zipper down the front and a belt around the waist. He felt himself twitch against his thigh as he watched your perky breasts bounce with you as you bounded down the front steps quickly. He couldn’t help but wonder how that zipper was even staying in place where it sat just below them because it was very clear you couldn’t zip it up any further even if you wanted to. Cash could hear the faint click of your 70s style ankle boots on the concrete as he trailed behind you in his truck, debating on whether he would finally talk to you or not. Part of him felt like it would just make the job harder because of how badly he actually wanted you. Silently wishing he had never agreed to take the job in the first place because he couldn’t remember wanting a woman this bad in his entire life. Cash wasn’t sure what it was but just thinking about snatching an innocent flower like you had his stomach twisting in guilt. A feeling that, much like his longing for you, was so foreign to him now. His suspension had spearheaded his moral compass, but you served as a reminder he still had one. But one, James Green, was growing impatient with him, he was almost as desperate to have you as Cash was. Cash watched you walk into the coffee shop with the wind softly blowing your pretty curls in a way that made you look almost ethereal in the warm glow of the afternoon costal sunlight.

He knew tonight would have to be the night, the night he finally stopped watching you sleep through your window and finally took you. He had your nightly routine memorized now, you made it so easy for him, being the truly alluring creature of habit, you were. Cash told James he’d have you to him by the end of the month, a full two weeks from today. Cash gave him a half assed excuse about needing to make sure you weren’t reported missing until he took you up to Boston. Which, in part, was true to some degree, Cash was also hoping to get you to answer some of his lingering questions before he turned you over to him. Cash ignored that guilt that churned in his stomach at the thought of handing you over, assuring himself he would be doing it because a money offer like that doesn’t come around every day. The prospect of finally being able to touch you was still so tempting, especially with his for sure plan to have you cuffed to a bed in the rental property with him for two weeks. James’ only demand was that you be alive, Cash could definitely do that and still fulfill at least some of his fantasies about you, couldn’t he?

Reader’s Pov

You let out a long sigh as you trudge up your driveway to your front door wondering why you picked the most uncomfortable shoes to walk in today. Sacrificing your comfort for the sake of an outfit was nothing new to you of course, in your beauty queen days it was a way of life, but those days were another life to you entirely. You weren’t that girl anymore, the beauty queen, the ingenue, or the life of the party that girl died two years ago on a snowy roof top in Seattle one New Years Eve. You turn your key in lock and rush into your foyer tossing your purse and keys on the bench before turning to double latch your front door. You had been feeling especially anxious this week, you were always on edge as it was but recently you’ve felt like you were being followed. You had no proof of course; save for the blue truck you’ve spotted in town frequently. When you mentioned it to your friend Amy, she assured you there was nothing to worry about. She handled some of the reality and rental properties in the area and said the truck belonged to a very handsome, normal seeming cop who was renting a house near the Cape May lighthouse. Amy quite typically encouraged you to hook up with him before he came to his senses and skipped off to spend the rest of his paid time off somewhere more exciting. September in Cape May routinely became quiet after all the families renting for the summer went back home as soon as the school year started up. Though the weather was unusually hot for mid-September the city had begun its off season, the only people lingering here were locals. So, a hot cop popping up out of the blue was odd but not entirely unheard of. Knowing he was just a cop soothed some of your ongoing anxiety at least but Amy’s overt obsession with your dating life was growing annoying. You swore off dating when you moved here because it wasn’t like they could ever really know you. The cop in question was indeed handsome, truly gorgeous, breathtaking even with short grey hair, a strong build, and the most piercing pair of icy blue eyes you had ever seen. Truthfully you found him quite intimidating, you hadn’t realized how tall he was until he was heading into the café just as you were leaving this afternoon. He gave you a charming sort of smile as he looked at you with what you most definitely misinterpreted as a lustful type of hunger in his pretty eyes, as he held the door open for you and gave you a compliment on your outfit. You flushed giving him a quick thank you before scurrying back toward the museum, you felt a little bad about it now that you thought about it. You were sure he thought you were rude or stuck up but there was just something about the way he gazed at you that was a little unnerving.  

You kick off your boots letting out a sigh of relief as some of the aching in your feet was immediately alleviated, but groaned when you realize the reason, they hurt so bad was due to the blisters forming on the heels and pinky toes of both of your feet. You take a moment to insult your cute but apparently devilish footwear for a moment as you peel your socks off and hobble to your bathroom. You flick on the light deciding to start your nightly routine a bit early this evening, it wasn’t like you had anywhere to be, if you didn’t need to make money you would probably never leave the house. You desperately needed to relax for a bit though because you can’t shake the feeling you’re being watched as you pull a box of bandages, some alcohol wipes, and antibacterial ointment out of your medicine cabinet, setting them on the sink next to your nighttime face products. Still enjoying a self-care routine was just about the only thing about you that still somewhat resembled your former self. You venture back into your bedroom turning on your ceiling fan, the two oscillating fans, and the three-speed floor fan you had facing where you usually laid your head. Your cottage was still stuffy with all the unusually warm September days Cape May had seen this month. The cooling company said they wouldn’t be able to get out to you for another two weeks or so and by then it should be finally cooling off as you head into autumn weather. You were still too anxious to sleep with any of your windows open. You rummage through your pajama drawer and settle on a white crop top and short set with blue and pink flowers. You venture back into your bathroom and pointedly lock the door before peeling off your denim jumpsuit.

You let out an almost content sigh as you step into the shower letting the hot water relax your aching muscles for a good ten minutes before you begin washing and exfoliating your skin. You sing softly under your breath in an attempt to keep your mind from wandering off, you tended to get lost in the memories of that night in Seattle because they were still so vivid, they haunted you. You quickly wash your hair because the singing isn’t really doing anything to keep you from losing your mind to the memories, and it sort of feels like you’re just giving the memories their own soundtrack, they did flash through your mind much like a movie only difference was you could pause or stop a movie the memories were more like an endless reel.

            You switch the water to cool for a minute, not wanting to sweat while you put on your obnoxious collection of face creams for once before turning the water off completely. Stepping out of the shower as you warp a towel around your body, and hastily wiping off some of the condensation on the mirror with your forearm before getting to work. Taking your time to gingerly wipe drops of your various night creams, massaging them into your skin before moving on to body lotion, then perfume, then you brush your teeth and hair moving somewhat robotically. Your life now was truly mundane, endless amounts of consistency, there was no sparkle, no real living, just surviving, just existing.

You’ve relived that night a thousand times over in the past two years, you could still smell the cigar smoke wafting off his clothes in the crisp January air. You could still hear the happy cheers of the party below you as the clock finally stuck twelve ringing in the New Year and seemingly the end of your life as you knew it. You could still feel the goosebumps budding all over your exposed skin from both the cold and the fear pumping through your veins, standing on the roof in a short gold cocktail dress; your eyes wide and mouth slightly parted. The snow falling around you gently, a pretty picture, in shocking contrast to the rough terrifying scene that unfolded before you. In your head you were running and screaming but outwardly you stood silent and frozen in place like you were watching a truly captivating movie, none of it felt real in the moment. Seeing James Green’s menacing green eyes glinting at you in the soft glow of the roof top lighting with the slightest hint of red gleaming on one side of his face from the Christmas lights that still hung above them. His eyes were filled with the most unsettling combination of unadulterated rage and pleasure you had ever seen, you still get chills just thinking about it and you still wake up struggling to breathe when those menacing eyes would appear in one of your nightmares. Sometimes you swore you could feel the way he viciously yanked Simone Lewis’ hair, dragging her to the ledge of the roof by it at an agonizingly slow pace. James ignored her horrified cries, sobs, and pleads for mercy. You still couldn’t bring yourself to move or cry for help, paralyzed by your own fear. Watching helplessly as James finally shoved her over the ledge, her red evening gown swirling around her with the snow in slow motion. Resembling a bird caught in midair before it disappeared from your view; she plummeted to the ground with the most terrifying crash you had ever heard. Your flight response seemingly kicked in when you heard him cackle, so overtly ecstatic as he called her a string of vile and demeaning names, looking down at his work with a sense of pride.

You pull yourself out of your head long enough to get dressed and treat your blisters. You unlock the bathroom door flicking off the light as you rush to turn on the TV in your living room, silently begging it to distract you long enough to bury the demons that plagued your existence. As you put a kettle of water on the stove and a bag of popcorn in the microwave, shakily pressing the three-minute button as you lean against the counter. You didn’t know James all that well though he had been aggressively pursuing you for months up until the party. Something about him just felt off even before you saw him murder one of your best friends, Simone Lewis. He had been sponsoring one of the pageants you were in, hosting it at one of his numerous hotels in San Franciso. Truthfully, he made all of the girls uncomfortable when he’d invite himself backstage, ogling at them predatorily as he lurked in the dressing room catching them all in various stages of undress. He, for whatever reason, had taken an unsettling liking to you and Simone in particular; inviting you both to parties he was hosting and spending obscene amounts of money on lavish unwanted gifts. New Years eve in Seattle was just one of many parties he invited you to, he flew you both out first class, even though you honestly didn’t want to go. Simone insisted, having taken a liking to the gifts he sent more so than him.

You're pulled out of your thoughts by the whistling kettle, sometimes the whistling creeped you out and tonight it sounds particularly eerie with how on edge you are. You turn off the burner and grab your favorite mug off the cup rack adding a bag of chamomile tea, a drop of honey, and some cream before pouring the hot water into the mug. You grab your bag of popcorn out of the microwave, deciding just to eat it out of the bag and save yourself some dishes. They took a while to pile up anyway, you rarely ever cooked anymore having lost the passion for it in your isolation. The events after the party were a blur, save for a trip to the police station to file a report, much to your horror they’d been trying to build a case against James Green for years, he was wanted in connection to two other murders and a huge drug ring. You, unwittingly, became a key witness in their investigation because you were the only that could connect him to Simone’s death. Thereafter you were put in the witness protection program, given a new identity, a new backstory for your upbringing, and moved to Cape May, New Jersey to live out some resemblance of a life until they finally could nail him with something.

You take a seat on your sofa and aimlessly flick through the channels for a while, settling on a showing of Jurassic Park as a means to escape your own reality, watching other people suffer soothed you in a messed-up type of way. You glance down at your cellphone to see you missed your weekly call with your U.S. marshal, Jim. You roll your eyes to yourself; Jim decided you didn’t need 24-hour surveillance until the Feds finished compiling their case. He assured you James was very much in the dark about you being the one to report him in connection with Simone’s death. Jim made a routine pop by visit twice a month, you were sure this call was just to set up his next one, you’d call him back in the morning. You liked to make him sweat a bit, you followed all the rules of the program to a T as it was but them denying you surveillance only made your anxiety worse. You feel your eyes get a bit heavy about halfway through the movie and get up to do your nightly security sweep before allowing yourself to doze off on the sofa. You check the front door locks again, the back doors, and all the windows in the kitchen, living room, and your bedroom, finding them all secure. You glance for a moment into your unused guest room and feel your heart skip a beat as you stare into the room with wide eyes. The window was open a crack, you’re silently kicking yourself for not noticing it was noticeably cooler in the house as you cautiously approach the room. You didn’t keep much in there to begin with because you almost never had guests over and when you did, they only ever sat with you on your back porch.

You take a few shaky breaths as you push the door open a bit further, everything in the room looked to be in order except for the open window and your heart starts to race at the prospect that your gut instinct that someone was watching you had been correct. The intruder was lurking somewhere in your house watching and waiting for you to let your guard down. Your eyes scan your house frantically as you start slowly backing yourself toward the front door. You only bring yourself to take your eyes off your eerily still kitchen and living room to glance down at the bench in your foyer, finding it void of your keys and purse, but your boots are still exactly where you’d left them. You’re on the verge of a panic attack as you bring your eyes to look back into your spurious empty house, reaching behind you to unlock the front door slowly. Though you’re not sure where you could possibly go without your purse or keys. You pull the door open a crack trying not to make it creak as you turn to look out at your dimly lit neighborhood street.

Everything outside is just as still as it is inside your house; the streetlamps lit the road softly and you could hear the faint sound of car tires in the distance melding with the soft chirp of crickets. The cooler night air hits your face as you trail your eyes toward your driveway finding it as empty as the bench in your foyer, your black Honda civic nowhere to be found in your dimly lit driveway. You let out an audible gasp as the reality of your situation hits you, that you may very well be on your way to join Simone Lewis very soon. Your heart is pounding in your ears as the sound on the TV in your living room dies down behind you, you hear swift footsteps cautiously approaching you in the new veil of spine-chilling silence. You suddenly feel like you’re back on the roof top in Seattle because you can’t bring yourself to turn around, paralyzed once again by your fear. Your wide eyes slowly gaze down at your exposed navel just as a strong hand clad in a cold black leather glove settles on your skin sending a shiver down your spine. It almost gingerly presses against your stomach, pulling you gently away from the door and into what you can only assume is the intruder's broad muscled chest. The hand on your stomach swiftly clamps over your mouth as they shut and relock the front door with their free hand, dressed in the same black leather glove. You let out a muffled whimper but make no attempt to free yourself still feeling paralyzed in their strong but strangely gentle hold. You vaguely wonder why your intruder isn’t taking the opportunity to put you out of your impending misery. You weren't expecting them be this tender with you, as their free hand runs up and down your right arm in what you assume is an attempt to soothe you. You hadn’t realized how vigorously you were trembling until now.

“You won’t get hurt if you cooperate, understand? You can put a pair of shoes on and pack a bag before I blindfold you, princess. If you act up or try to flee, I will subdue and cuff you. If you do that, I can’t promise you won’t get a scratch on this pretty face of yours, okay?” a deep male voice cooed in your ear in a vaguely threatening tone. You shiver slightly, the threat should scare the hell out of you, but instead you find yourself resisting the urge to clamp your thighs together as you feel your clit throb and the warm sensation of arousal spread throughout your stomach. You nod slowly, fighting back a moan as he gently guides you towards your bedroom with his hand still over your mouth. You spot a duffle from the top shelf of your closet sitting on your bed, a wave of realization washes over you as you gaze at it wondering how long this man had been sitting in your closet.

“Alight, go, quickly” he said in the same gentle but firm tone he had before as his hand fell from over your mouth. His thumb quite nearly caresses your chin affectionately before he steps back to give you space. You bite your lip nervously but obey his command almost instantaneously, hastily pulling pjs, socks, and under garments out of your drawer with rosy cheeks. You avoid making eye contact as you open the duffle to shove them in, you furrow your brows slightly seeing a large chunk of your sun dresses and the jumpsuit you had left in your bathroom already in the bag when you defiantly hadn’t put them in there. You wordlessly turn to open another drawer and add a few tank tops and a few pairs of shorts and pants to the bag before zipping it shut. You fumble for a minute as you put on socks and sneakers before daring to look at him as he stood at the foot of your bed watching you intently. You couldn’t make out much other than the fact he was tall, he had a black ski mask covering his face and he pointedly left all the lights off in your room. You couldn’t even make out his eye color in this lighting as he pulled out a long black piece of fabric, wordlessly instructing you to turn around. You obey him again, though hesitantly this time, taking a deep shaky breath as he wraps the cool fabric over your eyes. You hear him shuffle around a bit before grasping your arm still being unusually gentle as he directs you out of your bedroom and through your house. You hear him unlatching one of the doors, you can tell by the dragging sound it’s the one leading to your patio. A sliding door, all he has to do to lock it is to push the notch in under the handle before closing it. You feel your stomach churn slightly, presuming he already relocked the guest bedroom window. Him securing your house was a step to ensure no one would come looking for you for a while, seeing your cottage locked and secure made it look like you left of your own volition. You wonder if anyone will actually figure out what happened to you, save for Jim, the only person that knows about your change in identity.

“Watch your step, Y/N” your abductor’s deep voice calls out to you in the darkness and it’s all the confirmation you need, because he used your birth name, a name only someone from your past would know. James Green sent this man to get you, which means James defiantly knows what you’ve done, why you really disappeared, and why you ignored all his voicemails asking you to join him for dinner. You stumble for a moment going down your back steps and your kidnapper surprises you by scooping you up into his strong arms, carrying you to your next destination. You can make out the sound of a heavy car door opening as he sets you inside of the vehicle, pointedly on the floor in case you decided to take off your blindfold and try to memorize the surroundings of wherever it was you’d be going. You felt your heartrate pick up again at the prospect of being met with James’ menacing green eyes when you got to where you were going. You feel the car start up, the purr of the engine vibrating through your body with enough rev to make you realize you weren’t in a small vehicle.

“If you’re willing to stay on the floor, you can take off that blindfold but only if you promise not to look out at anything on the drive or when we get there. If you do the same threat applies, okay princess” you nod your head in acknowledgement as you suddenly recognize his voice, it’s the same one that complimented your jumpsuit mere hours ago as he flashed you a charming smile. You begin to think your interpretation of the emotions swirling in those piercing icy blue eyes wasn’t too far off.

“I’ve gotta hear you say it, princess. Say ‘I promise not to look at anything’” he said in a way that boarded on flirtatious. You feel your cheeks flush again as you nibble on your lower lip in embarrassment.

“I promise not to look at anything while you’re driving or when we get there. You didn’t even really like my outfit… did you” you said dryly, reaching behind your head to untie the blindfold. Watching as it pools in your lap before you look up at him from the floor. You can make out his icy blue eyes from the soft glow of the passing streetlamps flooding in through the windows as he stares down at you with an intimidating gaze. You shift uncomfortably, focusing on the dark grey interior of his blue truck, with flushed cheeks.

“Oh, honey, I adore that outfit, I plucked it off the bathroom sink before you even put the kettle on” he said, letting out a deeply amused chortle suddenly pushing harder on the gas.  

Chapter 2