#god I have missed my meds so much
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Mood stabilizer has been going at full dose for awhile, so I took my stimulant today and I wanna CRY
#getting out of bed no problem??????#the CLARITY#the lack of anxiety#I just did the dishes and emptied the trash while I was waiting for breakfast to cook#I’m dressed I showered#unmedicated me could NEVER do all that in one morning#in an HOUR no less!!!#im on time for my bus!!!!!!!!!!#AHHHHHHHHHHH#god I have missed my meds so much#I need to remember this when that anxiety creeps in of ‘am I faking this?’#full zen calm my GOD#medication cw#no brain fog?????????#who IS she??? she me?????
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Understandably So no one mentions charles when talking about the Logan movie and again Understandably So This Aint Bout Him however i do confess that as someone who had never seen Logan until like. a month ago when i was binging all the movies and without knowing a single thing about it aside from laura i cant lie i was in fact jumpscared by him being there. especially for at least like 3/4s of the movie
#xmen#logan movie#snap chats#i be ramblin today hello ...#it was a pleasant jumpscare. yk until he died. after realizing he committed atrocities by accident 😭😭💀 OLD MAN NOOO#but no please LIKE I READ THE DESCRIPTION WHEN GOING TO WATCH RIGHT#AND I WAS JUST THINKING 'oh he'll probably be here for like twenty minutes. wdym he's here for way longer than that'#i THINK years ago i REMEMBER seeing a screenshot of the hotel bit with laura and charles but again that was years ago#and i might be tricking myself maybe its a false memory jealvvelka either way i just know they were cute :(#point is he was here for. i cant even say So Little cause again He Was Here For An Hour And Thirty Minutes Out Of Two Hours#and lets be clear 'snap has your brain molded that much you know exactly how much screen time charles gets in the movies'#girl no not yet i only know exactly when he punches his clock cause i had to keep restarting the movie cause it kept pausing vjAELKAJE#and it just so happened to struggle literally like. ten minutes after he dies- like when logan was dealing with x24 THAT part#so rude for that.. anyway I Repeat i miss charles and laura bein cute :(#it wasnt a lot but it was just sweet.. i always like how charles always got that Professor in his soul with these movies#like in dofp when logan's losing it after. getting future ptsd jvALKVLAJ??K charles is there to ground him#despite being. Like That vjeaLKj like sir please ily. i will accept the Youre On Acid answer youre trying your best#and then with THIS movie evidently charles is having. the worst time upstairs#but he's still super sweet with laura like oh stop you grandpa im gonna throw up#and to STRESS. they were EVIL about that wholesome dinner bit like :((( oh to see the fam happy and safe again :(((#like im throwing up frankly. people were right this movie IS sad i underestimated their assessment 😭#to lighten the mood in my heart. charles really do be an old man in this movie hes such a menace to logan JELKAK#god. Most Normal X-Men Movie Watcher Focuses On Professor X During The Movie About Logan VEJLKJA#ok im done. sorry i just keep replayin that bit in my head where theyre in the car and logans just 'Did You Take Your Meds SHOW'#like pelase. jaeRLKEaj ok im gonna try drawing i looked at my wall long enough and i think i can draw something
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Me rising from the dead after 3 months
#sin speaking#(yo what happened it was january yesterday)#(......H E L L O)#(guess who finally got their elvanse back lmao i feel like ive been trapped in the chalice dungeons for a thousand years)#(if u ever have imposter syndrome about having adhd. boy will missing ur meds make you think twice about that LOL)#(regret to inform you all that i have been violently obsessed with lop since it got patched in february and i replayed it. 8 times. lmao)#(i also regret to inform you that i have another new hunter. tragic. but i am not immune to choir propoganda.)#(good news though! i have some art stuff to post so look 4ward to that i guess lmao)#(SO SORRY IVE BEEN GONE SO GRATEFUL TO SEE ANYONE HAS STUCK AROUND i have missed being productive here....soooooo bad lmao)#(im not going to promise too much tho bc lmao god always strikes me down for my hubris but YEAH. HI 😀)
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Tomorrow Is Election Day And I Am So Fucking Stressed
#marzi speaks#marzivents#hi folks. i haven’t been making much art lately. apologies! i want to be#unfortunately shit is Stressful in both my little world (i’m starting to get overwhelmed with my meds and refills and driving)#and on a broader more societal scale (if trump gets re-elected shit is going to go so fucking bad oh my god)#PLUS we’re in the It Gets Dark At 6PM Zone now#i think i’ve lowkey been catastrophizing a bit with all that’s been going on#i should probs look into those psych referrals my doctor gave me#she offered them bc the almost-dying earlier this year was Traumatic and i was showing signs of anxiety/depression#but i think they’ll just be helpful in general#god though i hate being on prescriptions. it feels like there’s a constant timer hanging over my head#refill these pills before this time so you don’t have to miss a day. woops! the pharmacy’s out of stock on this one#so you’ll have to come back at another less convenient time. fail to do so and the medication goes on hold#which requires a phone call where you speak to a Robot that may not understand the nuances of ur situation#grrrgh it sucks so bad. thankfully i refilled my prednisone the other day and have like 3 months’ worth now#and that’s the one i really can’t afford to miss bc steroid withdrawals could really fuck me up#but uggghhh i hate it. so much. bc it looms over me always#i hate keeping track of when i’ve taken my pills too. i keep a checklist for every day#so i remember what i have to take and if i’ve taken it#but god it sucks. i’m at the point where it’s basically routine now so i do it automatically#but i know if i stop monitoring i’m gonna forget if i’ve taken my steroid one day#and either double dose or skip the day. and that’ll fuck me up pretty good#anyways. hoping hoping hoping this election goes well bc idk if i can take it if our country tis of thee elects the fucking fascist#this one’s fine to rb. i think many of us share this sentiment lmao
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Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die
#i cant even shes just so dangerously stupid#she thinks energy drinks with natural caffeine are safe to give people who have been told by doctor doing take caffeine with thia meds#ahe thinks of a child is CHOCKING to lie them face down n rub their back#she has the evangelical woman voice worse then women I've met n that cult ahe giggles constantly and behaves like the stereotype lil german#boy just got a lollipop over.... everyone and everything whe acts likw an 11 year old I just got the first boyfriend and all they could talk#is how perfect their boyfriend is and they're so pretty good for that I pulled a boyfriend is and it's like a God thing that they met how#SOOOOOOOOOO in love while constantly nonstop touching ahe has to be touching him her hand on his thigh her atm linked with his her heaf on#his chest she has to be in her lap they make out all over the place IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING STOP SWAPPING SPIT#she started a i. hwr words 'love diary of their love journey' they hadn't been dateing 2 months her kids are spoiled fake Instagram bitches#with such shitty views on politics SHE'S A TRUMP FAN GIRL SHENLOVES TRUMP MY DAD BROUGHT IN A TRUMPIE#there's so much i cant even say because even admitting it on tumblr is too embarrassing i wanted.to.likw her i liked her the first day but#THE MORE I GET TO KNOW GET THE MORE N MORE N MISS RED FKAGS#she threw away all my siblings clothes school books toys uniforms for sports their in toys i bought them that week make up jewelry#in the disguise of helping clean house#while i was at the hospital the kids call me in tears i call her beg her to wait and nope.ahe didn't i found the bags by the curb i brought#my dad sided with hwr because 'she didn't mean any harm she didn't know sje was throwing them away'#my mom hasn't bsen dead a year he started dating right after ahe died#hes talking about marrying this woman this woman who has never had an honest educated thought once in her life#WHO ASLO SPEMDA MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR AHE CAME FROM A WITCH FAMILY HER LAST TWO HUSBANDA WERE TOUCH SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE COMMON#SHE SPENDS LIKE SHE STILL HAS MONEY WHEN SHE DOSE NOT AND IT'S LIKE YOU DID NOT JUST SPEND OVER 180 DOLLARS N PASTRIES GOD#SHES SO FUCKIN STUPID AND EVERY HOLIDAY SINCE MY MOM DIED WVERY FAMILY GWT TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK OR.DO ANYTHING WITH MOM'S SIDE#OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE SHE'S THERE EVERY WINGLE MOTHER FUCKIN WEEKEND SHES HERE I'M EXHAUSTED SHES PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINING TO BE ARO#OUND SHES LIKE IF SOMEONE TOOK A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A DIET OF JUST FUCKIN COCAINE LITTLE GERMAN BOY WITH LOLLY AND CRUELLA DEVILLE AND FUSE#THEN TOOK A STRAW AND DRANK ALL THE SMARTS OUT OF THAT BEING#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH MY DADS GOIN TO NARRY RHIA BITCH SHES GOIN TO TRY TO BE A MOTHER TO ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE GOIN TO#be so fucked up because her kids are not ok SHE FUCKED THEM OVER BAD SHE HAS FOUR KIDS ALL ADULTS THEY'RE JUST WOW#I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAY FUTURE MY FAMILY IS GOIN TO BE THE GOOD THINGS IS I WON'T HAVE TO STAY I CAN GO N MAKE A NEW ONE WITH MY WIFE#FOR ME BUT MY SIBLINGS ARE FUCKED AND ANYTIME I WANT TO VISIT MY FAMILY YANDERE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BITCH WILL BE THERE WORMING HWR WAY IN#SHES CONSTANTLY CALLING N TEXTING MY DAD NONSTOP OF SHE'S NOT NEXT TO HIM AND IF HE CAN'T RESPOND INSTANT SHE FREAKS OUT N BUGS ME
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Got prescribed a new anti nausea medication to manage my health bullshit while we continue trying to diagnose it and I took the first dose today since I wasn’t feeling great (it’s a take-as-needed thing) and. I’m not feeling nauseous right now but I do have literally every other symptom that tends to go along with the nausea (weird temperature swings, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, etc) which are apparently all common side effects of this medication. So maybe it’s working as intended?? But I’m so incredibly anxious because usually when I have this set of symptoms it means my nausea is about to get really bad.
#I hate this so much#I’m hoping that it is just the medications normal side effects and not something else#but also if I’m gonna feel like this every time I take this med idk if it’s worth it#I’ve had a hectic couple of days so it is possible that I’m just feeling like this because of that#but god I feel kinda awful#I’m watching totoro with my partner cause it’s one of the few ghibli movies I haven’t seen yet but#it’s so hard to keep my eyes focused on the subtitles so I keep missing stuff#god I’m so tired of this health bullshit#I had my long awaited appointment with a specialist and other than prescribing me this new med#which sucks so far#they just ordered repeats of several of the tests I’ve already had done#and a couple new ones but I’m not super hopeful#I have a follow-up appointment in three months#at which point I will have been having these symptoms for over a year#and I’m just so tired of it#god I’m so fucking tired of it#the being of chaos speaks#health tw
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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I'll wake up and this will all be a nightmare, right?
#I really think I made myself sick#I'm scared#I know I'm an adult but I wish I could ask my parents for help#I'm not in 'danger' but you know when you have a bad panic attack and it just feels like you're dying?#yeah#also I didn't 'overdose' but I took more meds than what's best for my stomach#and then I binged#the food I chose to binge on was disgusting too#I have been overdoing it on the caffeine again and making myself wired and nauseous#I feel like I can't sleep unless it's with sleep meds#I genuinely feel like I'm a fucking crazy person sobbing for help#I don't know how to fix any of this#fuck#I don't really want to die... I just want someone to help me out of this#but I'm too much of a mess#God this is really the worst panic episode I've gone through in a while...#I'm shaking and my heart is going fast#but I don't wanna go to the hospital again#I don't want to miss my meeting on Saturday#I just want for this to pass and to be fucking okay#but I feel like my prayers won't be answered#it all just hurts so much
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bodies are so WEIRD
#oh my god I want to scream so much right now why am I cramping so bad#my period has been over for a week#I didn't take my meds last night because I wasn't intending to fall asleep yet but i woke up sitting up#with my laptop next to me paused where I had it#and all my lights on#got up went pee laid back down#took my serioquel even tho it's 6am and it'll make me sleep all day bc I can't miss two days on my meds in a row#and now I'm having intense as fuck period cramps#worse than they were while on my actual period#.bdo#luckiest motherfucker in the world over here complaining about period cramps with a bottle of hydrocodone sitting right next to them#i'm sure smoking would help if it didn't make me cough
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watched an unrelated to grief movie and am currently sobbing my eyes out bc theres a cat who is left behind by a family member who dies and it reminds me of plur which reminds me of tia. was going to rewatch midsommar in hopes of coming to terms with my grief through seeing it elsewhere but i dont think thats a good idea anymore. um yeah i dont even know what to do. i want to move into college already but i know its going to be so upsetting all over again when i come home and they arent here. its everywhere its all in my life and my home and i dont know how to deal with it at all. let alone move on
#i know its selfish and just not a healthy thing but it feels like ill only feel better if we get a new pet#not to replace them. but to give me something to focus on. and to give the love that i cant give to plur and tia to#it feels like somethings missing but it also feels like i have no way to fix it#i know how to deal with people dying but tia has been with me every day for years. we went to bed together every night in the old house#i miss her obnoxious snoring and how she would bark at me when it was bed time because i had to go upstairs if she wanted to go to bed#i miss how she would get so riled up after a bath and rub herself all over the floor#i didnt know plur for nearly as long but he also used to sleep with me every night#to the point where i called the chair in my room HIS chair#i miss looking over and seeing him looking more comfortable than i could ever aspire to be#i miss him yowling randomly in the middle of the night because he wants attention#and how he would lick you given then chance—as long as he could also knead#god and i miss plur and beerus together#its so clear beerus misses him and its so upsetting#he wont leave my side these days and its so worrying and it makes me so much more sad#its like- i miss plur and tia but more so i miss life with them#i miss seeing plur in my chair or digging him out from under my moms bed to give him his meds#and seeing tia sprawled in the most ridiculous ways in her bed#it was a part of my life and its just so much to lose all of it so fast i guess
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to be completely honest, the stranger things fandom has damn near ruined the show for me lmfao
#and i don't mean in the 'i know too much i can never be satisfied as GA again' way#people are just soooooo fucking petty#and i swear to god nobody in this fandom seems to remember that it's supposed to be... fun???#for them and for everyone else#like. bro. have u considered sitting down and maybe drinking a glass of *insert preferred juice*#people take the stupidest shit tooooooo seriously#also HEAVILY controversial opinion so i'm banking on nobody seeing this lest i get hashtag cancelled:#the vast majority of the characters are pretty bland and have middling chemistry#yes. this includes mike and will#i enjoy them. i like them. i don't think they're BAD. but sweetheart they are not that deep i'm sorry ToT#truly fascinates me how worked up people get over a handful of fictional pubescent suburbanites#yeah i'm losing followers if anybody sees this but i honestly do not give a shit#it might just be the mental illness but i barely care about any of it anymore even on a perfunctory level#i miss stranger things being a show i really really liked without being muddied by how fucking annoying fandoms are#(just in general but indo tend to fall into obnoxious ones and ST is no exception)#honestly half the entertainment i've gotten here has been from participating and half has been from watching other ppl squabble#i guess we all suck. haha#i'll probably be less of a holier-than-thou jackass in a couple weeks when i maybe get new meds#but til then i am honestly so sick of logging onto tumblr and having my dash at least half full of stranger things#i'm sick and tired and bored. i just wanna enjoy my blorbos in the peace of my own mind and then forget about them for a couple of years#maybe the hyperfixation is finally ending#honestly??? i hope so#lexi stfu challenge
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Okay crew. I have three hours to get out of my apartment and get going to my parents' house. I don't have to pack my mattress or get rid of my furniture anymore because my strong af girlfriend helped me take care of it. I just have to fit what I can into my van (not a lot) and abandon the rest. Then drive four hours. Wish me luck. I'll need it.
#when i wrote this in my head it konda sounds like a general inspiring his troops#except im both the general and the troops#oh god i have three hours to condense my life into my minivan#i took 70mg of vyvanse and i feel great. i think im gonna take 30 mg more just because i have to get rid of it#see i stole the 30mg from my brother and im about to go see him. i dont want him searching my shit and finding his own meds#its okay he only takes these meds while hes in school. and i stole them over winter break#please only take medicine that is your own. dont fuck with prescriptions that belong to other people. do as i say not as i do#holy shit im not okay#i went to my fav local coffee shop today for the last time and started tearing up while i was there#im gonna miss this place#im moving across the country to live with my sibling#and honestly i dont think its gonna be my forever home. i think this is just a much-needed adventure and change of pace#i can see myself living in this city for years and years. but im still leaving#i know i need to leave. i need to live with someone. be with family. i need to get out of my shit job. i need a new start#so itll be worth it. but i think ill probably come back here eventually. idk. but for now im leaving. i need to go#i need to go in three fucking hours
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Today has thoroughly sucked
#personal;#vent post;#I forgot my meds last night so I woke up in So Much Pain this morning but dragged my ass to work anyway#only to hear from my current team lead (who has been trying to step down for MONTHS) that my last team lead AND my coach#are both actively telling her to not let me do any baking and only run freight when i was sent to the bakery/deli to //stop doing that//#So I'mma report it but it was never said to my face (bc they all know it's illegal I'll bet) so I doubt anything's gonna be done about it#I left work early and promptly dropped my phone face down thus making my case worthless as my screen fucking shattered#so I've bought a $20 replacement kit from god damn amazon bc I don't have the money to take it somewhere and I am STILL paying it off#I laid down for an hour and a half and didn't manage to nap#my head hurts#I'm exhausted#I'm angry#I want to cry#but instead i have to pull shit together and see about disability filing/lawyers AGAIN bc I missed the call from the last one by months#and it has since been months again so I doubt they're waiting on me#and It just gets more and more demoralizing when I see mutual aids going around and/or getting funded#bc i ain't ever gotten more than $20 and 10notes whenever I make posts which isn't anyone's FAULT#but man even fucking survival is a popularity contest and I've been losing from the moment I was fucking conceived
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you know it’s been a bad psychiatric appt when you have to follow it up with a best friend debriefing to rant out your feelings. and you know what’s peak invalidating to hear from a mental health professional after you describe your current symptoms and experience with a new medication? ‘that doesn’t make any sense.’ followed by a lecture about why i can’t possibly be having the reaction to the meds that I AM LITERALLY HAVING AND JUST EXPLAINED
#actuallylukedanes#i have the best best friend#thrilled to not have to rant all the specifics here because my god this doctor has never been helpful beyond prescribing anyway#and i only get useful help there if i carefully approach knowing exactly what i need and edit my truth accordingly#but this visit was much much worse because it was just a list of ways she told me my brain can't be reacting that it has for years#AND as a bonus! there's still no adderall available so i'm still on a replacement adhd med#BUT that med is now also missing from the system like they couldn't fill it so i guess maybe now my backup is also facing a shortage#...this is a very bad trend going in the wrong direction when my backup adhd med wasn't being as helpful as adderall anyway#life stuff#mental health
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Augh. The symptoms are real bad tonight folks.
#very anxious because I have holiday plans tomorrow#that I don’t want to miss out on or otherwise have them impacted#but god I feel awful and my meds are not doing much to help#which is also scary#I am so tired of this#the being of chaos speaks#health tw
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