#get it thomas
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Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer
wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?
Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)
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Bonus:
Happy birthday, Tim 🥰
#duke thought for a minute he was gonna become the protagonist of get out#u can interpret this as bruce suddenly deciding to text like this#or his children just never getting used to it even after 10+ years of knowing him#bruce: i dont understand why my children are so paranoid#clark: last night you texted me ''see you soon...'' and i wasnt sure if you were threatening me or not#social media au#batfam#batfamily#dc comics#bruce wayne#dick grayson#cassandra cain#jason todd#stephanie brown#tim drake#duke thomas#damian wayne#incorrect quotes#tweets#texts#twitter#batdad#batkids#batman#fanatical posting#crack
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Jason: I have a bone to pick with you
Bruce, just happy to talk to his estranged son: sure, what’s going on?
Jason, pulling out an entire femur: I stole this evidence from a crime scene. I need help with a case
Duke: hey B I have a bone to pick with you really quick
Bruce, on the verge of tears: please don’t.
Duke: I? just have a question?
#is it paranoia if your kids are really out to get you#studies say having 90% of your children be overly violent at some point of their lives means you should get therapy#bruce is not feeling very whelmed#batman#batfam#jason todd#bruce wayne#Duke Thomas#signal#red hood#incorrect batfamily quotes
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Duke Thomas gets added to the payroll
Bruce Wayne (seeing Duke walk past his office): Duke.
Duke backwards walked to Bruce’s office.
Duke: Sup?
Bruce: Did you check your bank account? The direct deposit should’ve hit.
Duke: The what? Oh you were serious about that?
Bruce: Of course, you’re not only my son, but you do work for me and you deserve an income.
Duke: Thanks dude, but I can’t take your money I work at the library.
Bruce: Duke, trust me. You deserve this. I do it for all my kids… except Tim.
Duke: Why not Tim?
Bruce: Long story… he owns part of my company, plus he- he definitely embezzled a lot of my funds before I noticed so him working at my company is his paycheck.
Duke (alarmed): That was him?!
Bruce: Yeah, but that’s not important currently. You enjoy your first payhcheck and I’m proud of you.
Duke: Thanks man.
Duke left the office, checking his phone as he walked to his room. He nearly dropped his phone seeing the four digits in his bank account that had five dollars in it three days ago.
Duke (shocked, happy): Three- Three thousand dollars?! Woooooooo! I’m eating good tonight! No wait, game stop here I come!
Duke ran out the house passing by Stephanie and Jason.
Duke: I can finally buy a PlayStation!
Jason: Wait until he finds out it’s a monthly payment.
Stephanie: I’ll tell him later. Want to go tell Tim about it first?
Jason: 100% yes.
#batfamily#duke thomas#jason todd#batman#bruce wayne#tim drake#stephanie brown#batfamily headcanons#batfamily shenanigans#batfamily funny#batfamily comedy#batfamily fanfiction#signal dc#tim doesn't get paid due to his past history of emblemizing#microfiction#batfamily chronicles#headcanon batfamily#batfamily microseries#script fic#part of my batfamily microseries#batfamily fic#batfamily fluff#batfamily microfiction#batfamily chronicles microseries#dc fanfiction#batfamily chronicles flash fiction#dc signal#part of my batfamily flash fiction#flash fiction#batfamily flash fiction
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sometimes i think about how funny it would be if bruce had a slight english accent as a result of alfred being the only adult in his life for most of his formative years. that or he just says british slang instead of english.
this either drives his children insane, or they think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.
__________________________
Bruce: Can you pass the chips?
Dick: Sure, B. *passes over the potato chips*
Bruce: No, the chips.
Dick: ???? … yeah? here?
Bruce: NO! THE CHIPS! *gesturing wildly for the french fries*
Damian: Father, are you having a stroke?
———
Batman: Alright, this mission is very important. It is imperative that everything goes to schedule. (shh-edule)
*red robin and red hood snicker*
Batman: *glare* As I was saying, it all must go to shh-edule…
RR & RH : *uproariously laughter *
Batman: *harsher glare* Is something funny?
RR: Oh nothing, B, don’t worry.
RH: Absolutely nothing wrong, “left-tenant”
RR & RH: *dying of laughter *
———
Bruce: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??
Duke: … You sound like Alfred…
Bruce: *horrified look over coming him* … what
Cass: *furious nodding*
*Some time later, after B has been fished out of Gotham Harbor, which he jumped into after declaring that he “couldn’t turn into his father”*
Alfred: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??
Bruce: *white as a sheet* … Sorry Alfie…
*Steph is heard furiously cackling in the background*
_______________________
anyways i just thought this was fun
#please add more#i would but my brain is out of space#you get the idea#batfam#batfamily#incorrect batfamily quotes#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#red robin#damian wayne#damian al ghul#robin#cassandra cain#cass cain#black bat#batgirl#duke thomas#signal dc#stephanie brown#spoiler dc#alfred pennyworth#agent a#dcu#headcanon#batman headcanon
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batfam meets the JL but it’s just the bat kids breaking into the watch tower during a debriefing or meeting to ask bruce the most mundane questions. they go about it like they’re interns that need to speak to the CEO during a board meeting. they walk over waving their hands and mouthing “i’m so sorry just need to ask batman something 😬” and then they lean over to bruce and ask something like “alfred wants to know if you’re gonna be home for dinner” and then they dip.
one of them started this when bruce didn’t answer their texts (it was probably tim or something) and now everyone does it.
#this or they stand at the distance preferably behind the person speaking and mouth shit at him like#‘what’s my social security number?’#‘can u pick up dog food on the way home?’#‘do u know where my birth certificate is?’#‘are we getting cass individual gifts or are we doing a family one?’#bruce pretends to find it annoying but he actually finds it kinda funny#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#bruce wayne#duke thomas#damian wayne#steph brown#cass cain#batfam#bat family#headcanon
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As a reward for helping with a problem, John Constantine wants to give Bruce a chance to talk to his parents. “I can only do one at a time, thought, so, who’s first?”
Bruce sweats, “That won’t be necessary.”
The batkids watch like ??? they’ve seen Bruce in every state a man could succumb and raise, but they’ve never seen him scared. Alfred calmly steps forward, “Please do.”
“No. Don’t.”
John “I don’t want peace, I want trouble, always” Constantine smells some opportunity for chaos and grabs it.
The result of that is the very angry spirit of Thomas Wayne fixing Bruce with the glare of the year, “You dropped oUT OF MED SCHOOL?!” The entire mansion seems to tremble.
Bruce yelps like a scolded cat and runs around the dining table, “I was busy with BATMAN—“
“ Che cazzo è un Batman, — Get back here! You were there a year, — Che cazzo fai, CHE CAZZO FAI?! Pack your bags, you’re going back.”
To the batkids’ absolute horror Bruce starts to cry, face watery and bright, and they finally understand what Alfred meant by tantrums. “Non voglio tornare indietro, papà!”
“Non mi interessa, cazzo, — wait till your mother hears about this, Harley graduated with HONORS. What exemple are you giving to my grandkids? Don’t — Don’t run, GET BACK HERE!”
Tim sweats in high school dropout, Dick sweats in cop, Jason sweats in drug lord, Damian sweats in art kid, and Stephanie just sweats in general.
“Should, uh… Should we help?”
“Are you kidding? I haven’t seen Jason this happy since the Queen died.”
#I love Bruce getting scolded actually it’s cute#bruce wayne#thomas wayne#john constantine#John and Alfred drink tea and watch this go down with pleased smiles. this is possibly the happiest day of Alfred’s immortal life#batkids#batfamily#batman#dc comics#text#text post#batfam#battinson
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Bruce is a overprotective and kind of strict parent, but he is very lax in some domains where other parents wouldn't. Here are some examples:
His kids stealing money from him. You will never catch Bruce Wayne lecturing his kids for taking his money. In the Arkhamverse, Jason steals 5 millions from Bruce's bank account to buy his army, and the problems for Bruce are: he didn't know it was Jason so it stressed him a bit, and Jason used it to buy an army.
Stealing from him in general. What is his is theirs. Unless it's dangerous. (Cars are death machines for his anxious self, which is why buying another batmobile for the young justice is not acceptable, or is kids taking it for a ride. He did made Redbird for Tim as a gift for when he got his license.)
Stealing from the cops (he has done it himself so many times)
Stealing money from rich people. In Knightfall, Bruce meets a British vigilante named Hood who steals from the rich to give to the poor, and Bruce had NO problems with that. He likes the young man. Stealing possessions is an issue tho. (Dick should follow his Robin Hood's dream, his father is fine with that)
Hacking into government facilities or anything really. Unless it's to harm an innocent civilian, like a classmate, he will not say anything. Hacking the FBI? Good. Hacking a russian mafia? Ok. As long as they do it safely and follow Barbara's instructions, it's fine.
Lying to him. Bruce is always impressed when he realizes one of his kids lied to him and he believed them. He's the Batman, after all, they have been able to fool the Batman. When he learns that Tim invented a fake uncle, he is proud of him and he tells him such, because he made the Batman believed it.
#bruce wayne#batman#batfam#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#cass cain#duke thomas#dc comics#my ramblings#bruce “what are you doing?” tim “hacking the pentagon” bruce “that's great sweetie”#my examples based in canon does not mean that canon always follow this logic it's my interpretation#I'm saying that before I get attacked#also as someone with an anxiety disorder: cars are death machines and I don’t trust half of the drivers on this earth
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#that is tims 'i know im right' face#jason is trying and failing to win the argument#damian: i am surrounded by idiots (affectionate)#steph wondering why she has to be in the middle of this#duke being adorable#bruce: my circus my monkeys#dick: my siblings get along. so well.#babs: this shit is funny#cass just eating her popcorn and watching in amusement#wayne family adventures#tim drake#dick grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#bruce wayne#batfamily#bruce is so done#get these bitches therapy#wayne family#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#duke thomas#barbara gordon
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One of the perks of living in Gotham is that occasionally you’ll walk past a Wayne having the most batshit insane conversation anybody has ever had.
Walk past Dick Grayson on the street and hear him say into his phone, “I don’t think he’s anti-vax, but Superman is definitely not vaccinated.”
Stand outside of the downtown WE building and see Tim Drake walk out with his tall friend only to pause and say, “Hold on, I just got the mental image of Lex Luthor pregnant. Thanks for that.”
A lucky few who ride the same subway line as the newest Wayne edition, overheard Duke tell Stephanie that living in Wayne Manor is, “Alright, but when I moved in Jason and Damian gave me a knife and said I had to kill Tim. Said it was tradition.”
“It kinda is. Did you do it?”
“No!” Duke says, to the relief of the overhearers. “Get this…he stabbed himself.”
“…yeah, I should’ve guessed that.”
The downside to living in Gotham is literally everything else.
#the second best thing about living in Gotham is overheating the robins have the most batshit insane convo you’ve ever heard#overhearing*#Duke showed up at Wayne Manor was given a knife and when he told Tim about it#Tim took the knife and stabbed him self (a little) and then shouted to Bruce that Duke stabbed him#because and I quote ‘they won’t leave you alone until you do it’#Duke was just like: WTF am I getting myself into here#batfam#Gotham#dick Grayson#Tim drake#Duke Thomas
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Halloween AU!!!
hey so. i put SOOOOO much effort into this au and for what? at least it ended up looking cool? anyways Halloween is my favorite holiday and i just HAD to make something for them!
i had a LOT of ideas for what everyone would be, but i really wanted to stick to a certain theme cause it's based around Halloween. i knew i had to have a vampire, werewolf, and a witch. cause like... obviously. iconic Halloween stuff!! but i took some liberties with everyone else and i think they turned out pretty cool!!
Jason was originally a fox shifter (which i still love and might draw art for some day) but i went with a bear in the end. is that because i thought about tiny bear cub Jaybin and wanted to cry? yeah. yeah it is. i KNEW Steph was going to be my werewolf though i started doubting myself when i went to draw her. turned out to be my favorite drawing on here which makes sense cause she is my light my love my daughter my will to live and all that jazz
Tim was actually gonna be a harpy but thank god i didn't go for that in the end. Duke was the one that was a bitch and a half trying to figure out BUT!! comments on the post asking what y'all thought led me towards Psychic so THANK YOUUUU everybody that commented!! (specifically those who thought of ghost!! Duke and Tim ended up being a perfect duo in this au)
Babs was pretty easy to figure out what I wanted for her. I read somewhere that they are seen as protectors of forests/ are considered spiritual authority figures and also.... she looks cool as fuck. Did not expect how easy it was to find a ref for a deer in a wheelchair though? I can never find the right hand or face angle reference but that was super easy???
For Bruce there was literally no question he HAD to be human. it's literally so funny that everyone who knows Batman thinks he's a spooky vampire but he's human. his first son, however?????? THAT'S the vampire. I knew Dick had to be a vampire too. A little nod towards that one comic run but in my au nothing bad happens ever 🥰 Damian also being a bat shifter is very on purpose because how funny is it that he's a bat man. Literally not a single person in the League thinks that Bruce is telling the truth about being human. Bruce you are NOT beating the secretly a vampire allegations.
adding in Jay's hilarious joke it's so fucking funny:
Alfred is actually a demon. I CAN NOT remember who made this post so if someone can help me find it, it would be appreciated!! because this was inspired by them!!! but somewhere i saw someone talk about Alfred being a demon that Thomas and Martha made a deal with (i think it was for an au idea?) and I just HAD to put it here. Alfred looks so human and everyone expects it, but he's definitely not. I put the ??? because it's so fucking funny. see if you can spot the 1 hint i put on his drawing that something is amiss!!
Peter is from an alternate dimension still, but it is not a world of creatures like him, it's just the same as LoF canon except Peter grew some extra limbs and eyes. He finds that it's actually pretty easy to fit in with the Waynes. Hard to feel like a freak when a guy can turn into a fucking bear, or your dad is a vampire, and the teenagers in the family are trying to summon ghosts or make potions.
additional doodles for this au:
i am still debating whether i am going to draw something for this au or write a oneshot, but i DO want to do something with these for Halloween
#(putting a hypnosis thingmabob in front of you)#oooooo you don't notice i forgot peter's tooth gap in the character design sheets#oooooo#you're getting veryyy sleepy and so you don't notice#listen he was the last one i drew and i worked on this for 9 hours#halloween au#halloween#erinwantstowrite#ao3#ao3 fanfic#leap of faith ao3#peter parker#leap of faith catch me if you can#leap of faith#thank you for the ask!#dick grayson#bruce wayne#jason todd#tim drake#steph brown#cassandra cain#duke thomas#babs gordon#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#batfamily#batfam#art#character design#character illustration
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Did you guys know that Duke's tag on Ao3 only has 7,000 fics? Because I didn't.
#I knew this fandom didn't like Duke but jesus christ#Clark motherfucking kent is in more batman fanfics than duke is#by almost 2x#i mean i know he's a newer character and hasn't been around that long comparatively but god#based this on the number of fics in their tag btw so don't try to accuse me of getting it wrong#batfam#batfamily#batman#dick grayson#richard grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#timothy drake#red robin#damian wayne#damian al ghul#robin#stephanie brown#spoiler#cassandra cain#cassandra wayne#orphan#black bat#batgirl#barbara gordon#duke thomas#the signal
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If Bruce is covering as Nightwing right now, who's acting as Batman in Gotham?
Tim: ok so any takers for the cowl?
*everyone looks at Jason as he is the second oldest*
Jason: oh no way. Absolutely not. Tim?
Tim: after evil gun Batman? ha. Nope. Plus DC doesn't pay much attention to me to make a good story about that.
Damian: may I-
Everyone: no.
Stephanie: OH I COULD BE PURPLE BATMAN!
Cassandra: I want to be Batman if Steph is my Robin
*everyone considers it*
Tim: that... isn't a bad idea actually. I like it.
#They end up having “Batman shifts” for fun#they all get a turn of the cowl every week#criminals are absolutely terrified because they don't know if they'll get the gun batman who quotes shakespeare#or the small batman with a sword#duke feels left out so he got himself a yellow batman suit#that's the scariest one of all#because that batman has powers#technically the batfamily doesn't need to do this since there's more than enough of them to protect gotham#but it was for the plot#batman#bruce wayne#nightwing#dick grayson#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#red robin#stephanie brown#spoiler#cassandra cain#orphan#black bat#batgirl#barbra gordon#oracle#damian wayne#robin#duke thomas#signal#batfamily
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Getting a PHD literally anywhere else: Wow! Congratulations! What a great achievement! Amazing!
Getting a PHD in Gotham: Wow! Amazing! You're now on several Government, Civilian, and Bat watchlists.
So if any of the Wayne kids get a PHD, then the entirety of Gotham would be squinting at them suspiciously. They're rich, so resources, and most likely already insane with all the shit they pull.
What I'm saying is if Jason went and got himself a Doctorate in Literature, the whole city would anticipate the appearance of his villainsona called the Dead Poet(emphasis on the dead) or Bookkeeper or something else similarly nerdy and themed like that for sure.
I just know that it would turn into some Gotham inside joke with memes abound, and everytime Jason would, I don't know, give more funding to the neglected Arts Departments in Gotham University, or go to a school for read alongs to encourage kids to read, Gotham social media would go crazy and be like:
"The Dreaded Villain Dead Poet Reads Alice in Wonderland to Children! How Despicable!"
"Villain Dead Poet Lambasts Government on Banning Books! Leads Librarians to Riot!"
"Dead Poet Ramps up his Villainy by Establishing Educational Programmes in Crime Alley! Uplifting the Poor! What a Dastardly Villain!"
"Dead Poet Goes on Live Ranting About his Favourite Books! Favourite Author is Jane Austen! Is this the Feminist Agenda?"
And so on! It's a meme that refuses to go away. His siblings actively participate, and make the situation worse.
Dick held an online Gotham Villains and Anti-Heroes Poll and Dead Poet came out on top, over Red Hood. Jason is an actual Gotham crime boss, but his crowdfunded villainsona is more popular. No he's not salty about it at all.
Duke would create a montage of Dead Poet sightings.
Stephanie would make a Dead Poet meme compilation.
Tim would arrange Wayne Enterprises to donate to local libraries after allegedly being threatened by the heinous villain Dead Poet. (Jason did ask Tim to do that but not like that)
Barbara created an extremely popular Villain Watch account for Dead Poet.
Cass tweeted out Jason's favourite books as the villain Dead Poets reading list telling people to avoid them 'wink wonk', causing a massive uptick in the sale of those books ala Bigolas Dickolas.
Damian of all people tweeted out a pic of Jason playing with Alfred the cat accusing the evil villain Dead Poet of attempting to kidnap his cat.
And thats not to mention all the shenanigans they pull in their batsonas.
God bless Gotham and it's home grown, organic, not even remotely ethically sourced, free range chaos.
#for real every mofo with a doctorate in Gotham is gonna get criminally side-eyed the moment they say Hi I'm Dr-#you know I'm right#Jason and his crowdfunded villainsona#Jason Todd#Dick Grayson#Tim Drake#Stephanie Brown#Barbara Gordon#Cassandra Cain#Damian Wayne#Duke Thomas#Siblings being menaces to society#Wayne Family#Batfam#Batfamily shenanigans#Onlyingotham#Gotham City#Only in Gotham?#DC Batman#DC#DCU
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Part 24! Oh no guys, Gotham's sweethearts are officially broken up, what will Gothamites gossip about now???
Prev ~ Beginning ~ Next
#twitter au#sorry for all the short posts recently schools been kicking my ass I'll try to get a longer one out soon#dc comics#dc#bruce wayne#batman#richard grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#red robin#damian wayne#damian al ghul#robin dc#duke thomas#the signal dc#signal dc#batfam#batfamily twitter au#dc batfam
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I originally said this in a reblog but, picture this
Bruce Wayne gets invited by BuzzFeed to read thirst tweets. They are all from his Justice League coworkers.
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Bruce, in a completely monotonous voice: @Superman says: I wanna suck Bruce Wayne's soul out through his dick and spit it back in his face.
Bruce, with a completely straight face: Poetic
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Cue the batkids watching this video after its been uploaded and gone viral on Twitter: Remember when Uncle Supes wrote that tweet about you when he was stoned off his ass??
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Said video was further used as blackmail by Tim, Jason and Steph. Duke couldn't look him in the eye for a week straight. Damian is yet to understand why the kids at school keep making jokes about his dad.
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The Justice League will never live it down
#lol#bruce wayne#dc batman#batman#batfam#batfamily#dc comics#batman comics#dc universe#dc#justice league#justice leage of america#tim drake#tim drake wayne#red robin#jason todd#red hood#stephanie brown#dc spoiler#duke thomas#barbra gordon#damian wayne#robin#clark kent#superman#kal el#superbat#Y'all write some more potential tweets in the comments#Picture Barry Allen clowning every week#Oliver getting jealous he doesn't get thirst tweets written about him
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littlest brothers bonding over the impotant things in life
#DC#duke thomas#damian wayne#batman#batfam#kit.art#dc can i get a duke and damian run pleeeeeaaasseee
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