Fic Title: I Am Not a Monster
Current Chapter Count: 63
Current Word Count: 176k
Last Update: September 23rd
Next Update: September 30th
Summary: What do a scrappy teen, a powerful being capable of spontaneous creation, and a 300-year-old witch have in common? They all need to heal from their pasts, they all need to figure out who they want to be now, and they all might just need each other.
Or: the one where Wanda and Agatha accidentally adopt America.
Relationships: Wanda Maximoff/Agatha Harkness, Wanda Maximoff & America Chavez, America Chavez & Agatha Harkness, America Chavez/Kamala Khan, Agatha Harkness & Nicholas Scratch, Wanda Maximoff & Nicholas Scratch, America Chavez & Nicholas Scratch
Tags: Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Gay Witch Family, Bisexual Wanda Maximoff, Lesbian Agatha Harkness
Chapter 1: Making It Up
Chapter 2: Pizza Balls at The Plaza
Chapter 3: People Like Us
Chapter 4: The Prodigal Witch Returns
Chapter 5: Ladies Who Lunch
Chapter 6: A Strange Visitor
Chapter 7: Magic Kindergarten
Chapter 8: Home Sweet Home
Chapter 9: Shut Down, Open Up
Chapter 10: Shadow Work
Chapter 11: The Sign
Chapter 12: Churros and Champagne
Chapter 13: Fatal Reaction
Chapter 14: Attached
Chapter 15: I'm Loving It
Chapter 16: The Raid
Chapter 17: Report Card
Chapter 18: (Pancake) Batter Up
Chapter 19: Surprise Times Two
Chapter 20: Dining, Drama, and Drives
Chapter 21: Braking Down
Chapter 22: Cat Out of the Bag
Chapter 23: Road Trip
Chapter 24: What's Innside
Chapter 25: Exploring
Chapter 26: The Clearing
Chapter 27: Sick Day
Chapter 28: Spoonful of Cocoa
Chapter 29: For Goodness Saké
Chapter 30: Confronting the Past
Chapter 31: If the Shoe Fits
Chapter 32: 'Til the Clock Strikes 12
Chapter 33: Let's Have a Quince
Chapter 34: No Time Like the Present
Chapter 35: A Spark in the Dark
Chapter 36: Rebel Girl
Chapter 37: Waffling Around
Chapter 38: Dyeing Inside
Chapter 39: Told You So
Chapter 40: The Talk
Chapter 41: Playing with Fire
Chapter 42: Pranks and Plans
Chapter 43: Meet the Parents
Chapter 44: The Proposal
Chapter 45: The Darkest Day
Chapter 46: Helium + Aluminium (HeAl)
Chapter 47: Welcome to New York
Chapter 48: The Past Is Yet to Come
Chapter 49: One Step Forward
Chapter 50: Consolation Prize
Chapter 51: Aftermath
Chapter 52: Love You a Brunch
Chapter 53: Nick
Chapter 54: Dancing on My Own
Chapter 55: Crying in My Prom Dress
Chapter 56: Clean
Chapter 57: Common Ground
Chapter 58: Growing Pains
Chapter 59: Burn, Baby, Burn
Chapter 60: Left Out
Chapter 61: Official
Chapter 62: Happy Accidents
Chapter 63: I Do
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TARA: "Buffy, I promise there's nothing wrong with you."
BUFFY: "There has to be. This can't be me. It isn't me."
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TARA: "It's not that simple."
BUFFY: "It is. It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please."
Buffy and Tara have a short but very significant dynamic. I've talked about it before when writing about Tara's use and representation in each individual dream in 'Restless'. That for Buffy Tara is a means of identifying and communicating with the deepest parts of herself. A narrative and thematic vehicle for understanding her identity and nature. The parts of herself that she doesn't love and doesn't have any appreciation for. The parts of herself that make her feel wrong and ashamed of herself. The parts of herself that she wants to escape from and hide away. 'BtVS' effectively uses the metaphor or allegory of being a supernatural being like a witch or a slayer or a werewolf or a vampire for being queer. For being an outsider. Cut off from others. Cut off from humanity. And they do it in such a way where you're not meant to believe it as such but to just acknowledge it and entertain the thought that the characters themselves think and feel this way about themselves because they're not really shown or told the contrary until they interact with each other and learn and grow together in solidarity in their experiences of being different from the norm. The writers are basically showing through characters like Buffy, Willow, Tara, Oz and Spike that the supernatural equates to queerness either in identity, sexuality, gender or just in general beingness. Just in being the person that you are. In being yourself.
There's added layers on to it when it comes to the dynamics between Buffy and Spike and Tara and Willow specifically in that it could also mean that they are actually evil in nature as well as queer but going down that route leads to controversial misinterpretations and I don't want to fall into that considering sometimes my words can get me into trouble and I end up insulting or offending a lot of people when I don't mean to. I personally think it's a compelling topical area to explore but I'm not writing this piece of writing today to explore it. Only in what it means regarding being and feeling queer in oneself and, for me, the dynamic Buffy and Tara have best represents that. I suppose for some people who haven't identified and accepted that they're queer, it can come across as feeling evil depending on their cultural background. Their family and home life in particular. And I think the episode 'Family' does a great deal for and in addressing this. Tara has, up to this point, spent her whole life being told by her biological relatives that she's evil or would turn evil. She's been gaslighted and psychologically conditioned to think, feel and believe that her identity and nature as who she is as a person naturally is wrong and is something that she should be ashamed about all because she can do magic. All because she can do things that normal people cannot do - and thus - she's not normal - she's not natural - she's not human. In some ways the demonization of being or feeling queer has a lot of significance and therefore merit in providing overwhelming narrative and thematic substance and depth for 'BtVS's clever take on characterization in a supernatural Universe.
When it comes to the episode 'Dead Things' Buffy is undergoing severe depression and is doing incredibly self-destructive things to feel something again. Something other than her deep despair at being pulled out of heaven by her friends - Tara included. She obviously doesn't like feeling the way she does when she does it but her justification for doing those self-destructive things is because she's come back to life wrong. When she goes to Tara to ask her to check out the spell that resurrected her and Tara comes back to her to tell her that she hasn't come back wrong - that she isn't wrong - she completely breaks down because now that means that she has no justification for doing what she's doing. For using Spike for sexual and emotional gratification, for neglecting her sister and letting her get injured by another one of her friends that's also fell off the wagon - so to speak - and is also involving herself in self-destructive relationships and behaviours with being addicted to magic and numbing herself to her experience, for not making an effort. All of this now is something that she has to question herself on. That if there's not something wrong with her mentally - why is she like this? Why is she doing this? She's just at a complete loss for logic, for reason, for understanding. It's a very effective and meaningful allegory for being queer and not understanding why. Especially because it's Tara she's crying into the lap of in that moment who is queer and can completely empathise with Buffy's experience of being attracted to somebody who she shouldn't be attracted to. And there is a line of dialogue that was removed from the final cut of the scene that explicitly compares Tara being a lesbian and having romantic/sexual feelings for girls to Buffy having feelings for Spike. She gets it because she's been there. She's felt that way too. May even still does even if she's fully out and fully accepted her sexuality. But she knows all too well what it's like to feel wrong for being queer.
Therefore there's a lot to glean about Buffy and Tara's dynamic and what it represents, what its significance is, despite being so short and non-detailed. You could even go as far as saying the metaphor or allegory isn't really one at all because Buffy is actually queer in both identity and sexuality. I mean the narrative hints at this being truth enough times in the show that you could definitely see it happening or becoming a possibility at some point in her character arc. And you know, with the whole Faith thing, it's not exactly well hidden either. Even though I don't ship them at all, Buffy and Faith definitely have something romantic/sexual there that all but makes the metaphor or allegory negated as far as sexuality goes. Identity is another story. And one of Buffy's core themes for her characterization is identity - which is why the Tara = witch/Buffy = slayer parallels work so well and why they so brilliantly convey the notion of queer/gay solidarity.
As for whether that makes them evil or means that they can be evil... that's a topic better left alone but I think it does present a compelling case study for a queer person's experience when they do not understand nor accept themselves for being as they naturally are, which I think is something that makes a lot of sense for the character arcs of Willow, Spike and Oz too in that they have trouble reconciling with their dark sides and that there's much of themselves that they suppress or repress so they don't have to feel like who they are is wrong or evil or a burden to the ones they love and that love them. And that they can be involved and fully connect with others healthily as opposed to destroying themselves and each other in the process like Buffy and Spike do so frequently in their S6 enemies-to-lovers dance of death, abuse and pain sorely mistaken for life, love and pleasure.
There's definitely a compelling case study for all of that to be unpacked and I probably will unpack it at some point once I can figure out how to articulate it so that it doesn't come off as offensive to the people who identify themselves to any of these characters because my intention is never to offend. Only to teach and enlighten. Okay, maybe I don't have the right or authority to do that but I write my meta for me just as much as I do for other people and so I certainly have the right and authority to teach and enlighten myself. And if I feel that I want to write about that topic at some point, I will. And I will do so through the fiction of art/entertainment and my favourite characters because that's the best way that I know how. If it comes across as offensive, all I can do is apologize for it but all I'm intentionally trying to do with doing it is expand my consciousness. I'm an INTP, a Virgo and Claircognizant - this is just how things work with me. I need to write to get a better understanding of who I am. My wording isn't the greatest, I know that. But I'm trying my best. So please - if you read what I write and you feel offended by it, reach out to me and I WILL explain to you that my heart is in the right place. That I just want to learn and understand and evolve. That's all it is.
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Arlo Rook has decided it’s time to move out of Garren Castle, home for orphans of all races, magical or not, at 100 years old.
It’s not the first time he’s left home, but a setback landed the Hedge Witch in the hospital a year ago, and subsequently back to square one. Now he's ready to strike out on his own, despite his friend’s worries he's not ready.
Thatch Phantom is an immortal, the last of his kind and perpetually bored. When he’s not closing interdimensional rifts and corralling trouble in the universe, he’s visiting his favorite city of all, Levena. No one remembers him, but he's made an everlasting impact on the city nonetheless.
Long ago, he set up an anonymous scavenger hunt for the starving village, providing them with a year’s worth of supplies. He upped the ante each year, providing less practical things, as the village had become a city and was wealthy beyond belief. Festivals are thrown in his honor to this day, or a version of him, that is.
Thatch has decided to throw a wild card into this year’s Game. Whoever discovers his true identity will win one wish of their choice, no restrictions. Aside from the obvious, such as no falling in love, murder or resurrection.
Arlo crashes into the mess of copper curls and bright eyes, who throws apothecary goods and his life into a chaotic mess. It certainly wasn’t the first they met, but Arlo doesn’t remember him. Thatch, however, never forgot the Witch with a familiar soulmark on his face.
What follows is a hilarious and wholesome series of events that teases the immortal with the one thing he wants most.
Someone to call home.
Phantom and Rook is available in ebook, audiobook, and print.
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For those listening in audiobook, you can find the supplemental materials such as character guide and glossary on the Adventures in Levena page, along with more about the series.
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