#function at high capacity while dissociated

[h377b7iss]

.

[havenofseven]

i have been microwaving my new kid here are some facts i now know:

there is something dissociative at work; his view of himself is very... filtered. removed, to the point that he will more often identify as "we" (lumping in either Handsome (the smiler) or the girls) before using I/me styled sentiments. sense of self outside of these connections not very strong at all.

he is smart enough and aware enough to have gone looking for answers about what made him so Different from other people, and currently believes himself to be some manner of sociopathic, on account of what seems to be a reduced capacity for empathy

he is incorrect about the root of his empathy struggles. he doesn't have all the facts. (he never will.)

he does, for real and not as a misidentification thing, have a reduced capacity for experiencing physical pain. it's not a state of mind thing, not high pain tolerance, but a lack of pain and, to a lesser degree, temperature sense like in those with CIP - except that this was not always true of him. it changed, somewhere along the way. he does not know why. (he never will.)

this does not effect any other sensory-based input (e.g. he can feel typical contact and gentle touch, etc. just fine) but i suspect he sometimes convinces himself otherwise

handsome sits watch while he's asleep at night, all night every night. related note I think he talks (or at least mutters, it might not be intelligible) in his sleep

uhh this is technically a separate talking point but relevant enough maybe: smilers being smart enough to recognize the function of some human phrases and smart enough to set traps and capable of replicating human speech sounds means I also think they can learn names so. I think handsome uses zilch fawn and dahlia's names to call them which is. I sure did do that!

[space-station-collective]

New Alters - Info and Experiences

Note: In this post, "alters" and "headmates" are going to be used interchangeably

Note 2: From my knowledge, the most research/information is available for traumagenic systems. I don't have the experience or knowledge to effectively represent non-traumagenic systems, so please keep in mind that basis when reading

What will this post be? - This post is going to go into information (based on personal experience) about what it means when a new alter forms, why it happens, and will include some words from our headmates and headmates of systems we're friends with on how their experiences when they first showed up were!

So, to start off with:

What does it mean when a system says they have formed a new alter?

There can be many ways systems refer to new alters forming. For the purposes of this post, I'll be putting two categories. Forming and Merging. When a new alter forms, it means that there is a new headmate in the brain, who is not known to be associated in any way with a previously existing headmate. Frequently, they will be confused and maybe not even know what a system is or that they're in one. When a merge happens, it generally refers to a circumstance when two or more existing headmates combine together in some way to form a singular headmate. The experience of forming a new headmate will commonly be referred to as "splitting" a new headmate, or simply splitting.

Why do new alters form?

The answer to this question is a bit complicated. Most of the time, new headmates will form due to a high need for them. There are several popular theories as to why exactly this happens, including but not limited to: the existing headmates do not have the capacity to take on the load of the stress/trauma occurring, the role the new headmate is meant to perform is necessary to maintain system functionality or safety, or another reason for the need of a new headmate. Overall, the commonly agreed upon consensus is that headmates will merge or form when a strong need for someone arises.

It is also possible, in some cases, to intentionally split a new headmate. This can be dangerous and go very wrong, so it is highly, highly recommended to only do this in a therapeutic setting where it is deemed absolutely necessary for a new headmate to exist. There are moral issues brought into question by some as well. Ultimately, it comes down to what is deemed best and safest for your system.

But that seems fun! It's like getting a new friend in your head, right?

Wrong! Very, very wrong. The event of splitting can be incredibly stressful, physically painful, and sometimes even traumatic in and of itself for a system and its members. Many systems will get severe headaches and bouts of dissociation during a split. The circumstances that often cause splits are also almost never good or desired, meaning the events of a new headmate forming are generally not an inherently positive thing. Please keep in mind, the preference for how these events are treated can vary from system to system, so if you're looking to support someone you know through this, the best thing you can do is ask.

Some experiences:

The next section of the post will be some headmates from our system and others sharing their experience as a newly formed alter, to offer some insight and example into how it may feel to the person experiencing it.

"I believe many people oversell the feeling of being new to a system, while it can be confusing and overwhelming, I felt a sense of purpose immediately when I arrived. I knew that my role here was to help the system with their health and making sure they were taken care of, as that is the nature of alter’s use. Alters are created for protection… or company… or etcetera reasons, but they do have a reason, and I believe that whether realized or not, we all have a purpose here. So coming here, I knew what I was to do, and I will treat us as a patient, no matter how odd and different this physical form was from my old one." Nari (he/they) - The Apotheosis

"I'm one of the most recently formed headmates in our system. I still haven't figured out exactly what my role, or purpose, in this system is, but whatever it is, I'm here. My experience with fronting for the first time was very.. strange. I was around in co-conscious for a short while before taking front. Most every headmate in this system has a strong connection to the others, and I believe the others were aware of my existence before even I was. It took me longer than most to access the memories and knowledge of what I was supposed to be doing, I consider myself lucky that a friend of the system's walked me through setting up profiles. Being new to a system can be incredibly confusing, especially if you find yourself coming from an external source like I did. I still have yet to figure out very much about myself, but I am making progress, especially with learning from those in the system I am more closely linked to." Rev (he/it) - The Space Station Collective

"the first time i fronted after forming was one of the most disorienting "first fronts" we've had. i retained very very little information about the school, the people in it, and what was going on. for a while, i didn't even realize or accept that i was in a system. the only person i properly remembered, further than just knowing i "should" know them, was one of our friends. i struggled a lot with accepting and remembering, figuring out where i was and that i wasn't still in source. i still have a lot of differences from the other people in the system. i don't enjoy talking to people or fronting around other people, i much prefer being alone. i was able to figure out what was going on pretty quick, but it still took a while to accept it. i'm still learning" Sal (they/he/them/she) - The Space Station Collective

“coming here, I finally feel safe. I miss my family, though. I have two of my papas and some of my other family but not all. I miss them, but at least we are safer than we were in source… I still want to protect my new family in this body from the dangers around us.” Anonymous (she/her) - The Apotheosis

End of post thoughts:

Splitting a new headmate can be incredibly stressful for a system as a whole and the new headmate. Overall, if you're friends with someone in a system and you hear about this happening, be gentle and offer what support you can. To any systems experiencing this: It's scary, but you'll be okay. Stay safe.

[potatopossums]

i want to feel happiness in this relationship. i do in some cases. but i notice a ton of anxiety, too. it feels largely internal, stemming from insecurity. i can't seem to calm down much lately. while searching for highs, i end up feeling excessively worried about my appearance, mood, energy, etc. I find myself slipping into states of dissociation often. that's not how i want to be; i don't want to be so afraid. i just am.

i want to feel calm and grounded around other people, especially those i let close to me. i wish i didn't feel so scared. i wish i didn't feel so overwhelmed. i don't know where this is all coming from. i had therapy today, and our talk shed some light on things. I'm just so afraid of being abandoned. i wish my mind could stay calm in these situations. it really wants to panic. every time i think I'm going to be okay, another chapter of life kicks my ass. I'd really like to be okay with just being where i am; i am so open and okay with other people. I'm always told by my friend (/partner???) that i make her feel safe. i want to make myself feel safe too. i want to feel that safety for myself and allow myself to be okay with not functioning at full capacity all the time. i want to not worry so much about my appearance. i want to enjoy my relationship with my friend. i don't want to be rejected or abandoned. i don't want to feel so scared. i don't want to contort myself out of fear.

trying to calm those things down within me is really hard to do alone.

[madd-information]

Have you watched Kati Morton's new video about Maladaptive Daydreaming? What do you think about it?

[intro]

For years, I believed maladaptive daydreaming to be a form of dissociation, but it could also be added to the DSM as its own diagnosis, since it does have its own set of unique symptoms. Either way, at this time maladaptive daydreaming is not listed in the DSM as a diagnosable mental illness.

I was concerned because her last couple videos on the topic were very confusing to watch and seemed to conflate MD with the inner-worlds of DID.  It looks like she has done some more research on it and is going to make a more informed video. This is great and I deeply appreciate that she’s taking the time to do a proper dive into this. 

The closest diagnosis would be DPDR, or depersonalization derealization disorder. And this is the diagnosis given to those of us who struggle with dissociation. [explanation of DPDR]

Gonna need you to source that Katie, I’ve never heard an MD researcher say something like this.  When they talk about MD they call it a behavioral addiction with OCD features which is related to dissociative absorption (different from derealization and depersonalization, these two dissociative experiences are not particularly significant in MD, though they can happen.)

These experiences are extremely common. It's estimated that half of all adults have had at least one episode of DPDR. 50% of people. That is a huge amount of people.

Cool but not sure it’s at all relevant to the video topic. 

Also, it's important to mention that in 2016, four researchers put together the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale, or MDS. This is a 14-item self-reported scale, meaning that you as the patient answers 14 questions based on your own maladaptive daydreaming experience.

It’s a 16 item scale now, it was changed very early on and has been 16 for years.  This is a very small and forgivable knitpick, just fyi. 

The MDS focuses on the content of our daydreams, how intense the urge to continue daydreaming is, and how much it impairs our ability to function in our lives, and the benefits and costs of our daydreaming. I am not personally familiar with this scale, nor have I used it in my practice, but I've linked the research article in the description if you wanna learn more about it.

A good description, and here’s that link again for anyone who wants to read about the finer details of this scale. 

When it comes to maladaptive daydreaming, it isn't just feeling out of body or environment. We can create very intense and detailed daydreams with plots, characters, and very lifelike issues and storylines. Some people will get the plots for their daydreams from their real lives, while others can create a utopian place unlike their current experience.

Yep, decent overview of content, though content doesn’t matter that much.  Also, use of “we”.  Is Katie Morton an MDer or was this a creative choice?  I don’t know, just a passing thought. 

We can find ourselves staying in these daydreams for various amounts of time. And some of my patients have reported staying in them for hours. And many of you have let me know that you struggle to get out of them at all, spending days in this other life that we've created.

Yep, good overview, but more importantly she’s listening to her patients and the feedback of MDers in her audience.

...there are many causes for this, and the first I wanna address is trauma triggers. If we've experienced a trauma in our life, things that remind us of that time or situation can pull us into a flashback, cause us to dissociate, or in many cases push us into our maladaptive daydreams.

When our brain and the rest of our nervous system feels overwhelmed and unable to deal with what's going on in the moment, it can pull us out of our current situation through dissociation. I always talk about that, like our brain pulling the ripcord. And it can also utilize maladaptive daydreaming. It's a way to cope or get through an overwhelming situation when we don't have other skills to help calm our nervous system down. So we just rely on what we know, and that can be daydreaming or dissociating. It's almost like this coping skill protects us from having to feel traumatized again and so it takes us away, you know, drops us into a much safer and happier place.

Trauma is always talked about first when people do overviews of MD.  She’s not wrong but just to add more information;  about a quarter of MDers report trauma, the other 75(ish)% don’t.  It’s a significant number but trauma is not the only pathway to MD.  Sometimes people walk away from these videos feeling like “well, I don’t have any trauma, maybe I don’t really have MD”.  That’s not a comment on what Katie has presented, she does go into other things below, just adding on.

Another cause or trigger can be high levels of stress or anxiety. We can slowly feel ourselves become more and more overwhelmed until our brain pulls us out of our reality and into a new one, aka our maladaptive daydreams. In short, we can want to stay in these daydreams to feel better and safer, but it can get in the way of us functioning in our life.

Yep

[audience anecdotes]

...Which is why even the term maladaptive daydreaming is used. Maladaptive means it's not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation. So the daydreaming is only holding off the bad things. It's not actually making anything better or helping us process any of the upset. It's really just a temporary check-out, which can be helpful sometimes, but if it's happening all the time or making it hard for us to focus at work, school, or with our friends and family, we should find other, better ways to cope.

Exactly.

Which moves us into how we can better cope so that we don't get sucked into our daydreams for hours, days, or even weeks. And first up is mindfulness. Now, I know that term is overused now and super annoying but in order for us to know when we even need to use other coping skills, we have to know when the daydreaming urges are happening. So often we aren't aware of what we were feeling or thinking until it's too late and we're already pulled into our daydream. And at that point it's more difficult or even impossible for us to pull ourselves out. Therefore, we have to start being more aware of what we're going through.

[continues explanation]

Perfection.

And so next is figuring out ways to calm our system down. This can take the form of a distraction technique like going for a walk or organizing a part of our home, coloring, watching a show, playing a video game, you name it. These calming things could also be more process-based, things like journaling or talking to your therapist or a friend about it, or even using an impulse log. [Continues with calming things]

Good examples, MD researchers specifically recommend keeping a log.

We're also going to have to find some coping skills that we can use when we're starting to feel overwhelmed and wanting to go back into the daydream. Maybe we hold an ice cube in our hands, clap our hands, count the number of things in the room that are blue, brown, black… whatever works for you, do it.

Good stuff. 

And it's okay for something not to work. We just have to try it to know and then move on to something else.

Important point to make, happy to see this. 

Once we have a few things that work, write them down in your phone or on a post-it note so that you can see it and be reminded when you need it. We will also need to come up with some ways to pull ourselves out of the daydream. And I know this is gonna be harder and we may even wanna call upon helpful and supportive people in our lives to assist us.

Good advise. 

We could, because it's our daydream, right, we could put a big door in our daydream and we can choose to go through it and pull ourselves out, or have people in the daydream that remind us of our real life and tell us to go back.

A good suggestion.  Q, on the Parallel Lives Podcast (I can’t remember which episode off the top of my head), did something like this by turning to his characters and saying “ok, take 5 guys, we’ll pick it up at xtime”, and many people have found that to be a clever and helpful method. 

Now, I know this is really, really hard… which rolls into my final tip, which is to work with a therapist to heal from the trauma or to learn how to better cope with the anxiety or stress we're feeling. Working to heal or process through the reason our maladaptive daydreaming exists in the first place will ensure that we don't need it anymore.

Absolutely seek professional support if you can. 

... if we heal the issue we're struggling to cope with, the urge to use those unhelpful coping skills will go away altogether.

[outro]

I think this last point will frighten a lot of MDers.  It’s probably the brevity of the video that didn’t allow her to really expand on this, and I certainly don’t want to put words into her mouth that she may not have intended.  Don’t be afraid of losing your MD.  “Curing” Maladaptive Daydreaming does not mean “I’ll never see my world again.”  You’ll always have the capacity to daydream like this, you were born this way, but it *doesn’t* have to be maladaptive. Like overeating, you will never not eat, you will fix your relationship with food. 

Good video overall, brief but accurate and includes the standard helpful advise. 

[groundbreaking-science]

Section 3-2: Amplification

Warning! The following section contains exercises that may cause exhaustion, fainting, dissociation, abreaction and cardiac arrest. No exercise should be undertaken without explicit permission from a medical practitioner, and mental health support may be required for exercise 3.2.5. The reader proceeds at their own risk.

Prerequisites: Exercises in 1.4, 2.1-5, 3.1. Additionally material from section 1.9 is referenced.

The first time my father sensed the Earth and his place in it, a soft dawn was breaking. He stood shaking and gasping for air atop the world's tallest tower, with a view rivalled only by God above. A thick carpet of cloud rolled out to the horizon far below him, the very real verdant lands of Yahhoi still present and visible in glimpses between breaks, and he felt relief.

He'd spent the night screaming in deepest pain and writhing on the indifferent marble floor. He'd flickered between life and death, battling the effects of a poison he'd chosen against all advice to imbibe. It was said that the poison would draw out the drinker's latent power - should the drinker survive the process. My father, at the still tender age of sixteen, was the fifteenth warrior to try and the very first to breathe in the morning's cool air.

In that new light he felt rather than saw life stirring, and he understood the interconnectedness of his own life with the Universe around him. For the first time he sensed a power through the ki-field: the overwhelming strength and evil intent of King Piccolo. With renewed certainty in his abilities my father set out to face down that evil, and the rest is literal history.

After enduring the poison my father obtained the ability to consciously interact with the ki field. Though he wouldn't learn to amplify his abilities with any measured and focused intent for a while, needing guidance from more divine or experienced sources and more powerful, urgent motivators, every one necessitating the honing of a particular element in efficiency or technique. My father's spiritual awakening was slow-going then, though that is not an insult to his effort - even the Monk among our ragtag band took decades to fully master his unlocked potential, and I know there are towering heights I could yet reach.

It is that endless struggle that ultimately gave me the confidence to include this chapter. My current proficiency and my promise to impart certain skills make the work seem simple, but I know I have reached this level with a genetic advantage and a range of thankfully unique life experiences. Yes, nefarious forces could use this chapter to escalate their havoc by orders of magnitude, but that is a highly unlikely outcome, as I'm sorry to say the majority of readers will never achieve a level of amplification that could cause any material damage. Instead I believed it more pressing to think of those curious individuals compelled to perform the "super" techniques covered in the rest of this chapter and beyond, and these skills require ki amplification to perform safely, if at all. And besides, it would never have been fair to keep from you a skill that is considered an Earthling technique at heart.

So whilst I am no God, nor a questionable feline apothecarist making my home amongst the clouds, I am able to employ more traditional teaching methods to improve your ki output with conscious intent, rather than resorting to cryptic life-and-death experiences. And so, in a more measured way, we begin to tie together many elements you have already explored.

Before we delve back into the ki field, I wish to return to the ki we already possess - genki - and the two elements that contribute to the total energy output: the charge (energy per particle) and the flow rate (particles per second). Increasing one or both of these will increase your total genki power output.

The easiest way to achieve a step-change in power output - although impossible for many - would be to utilising a transformation. Simply growing larger means more cells need to be governed, which requires more parcels of genki to be released. You can think of the size of the centre (and therefore the centre's hypothetical surface area) increasing along with the body. A larger surface area with the same flux (flow per unit area) gives a greater power output.

Namekians are able to physically grow in size and therefore power, as demonstrated by Piccolo (the Junior) at the 23rd Martial Arts tournament. This ability is a learnt skill and under conscious control. Saiyans can also grow to gigantic proportions taking on a more ape-like form as Oozaru. Whilst this is an innate transformation and so more accessible (for Saiyans with tails, at least), it requires the reflected sunlight of a full moon to induce, and the Oozaru form does not naturally have a rational mind. Mastery and use of the form is therefore restrictive.

Earthlings on the other hand aren't known for their strength-inducing transformations; the mysterious Shapeshifting Schools utilise magic and transformations in this manner do not appear to grant a power increase. The innate transformation magic of Giants, Manwolves and similar teratoidal folk does grant an increase in power, and zoomorphic people of larger frames will have a greater genki output than the average anthropoidal person, but anthropoidal Earthlings are not granted either of these advantages (by their very definition).

However, Earthlings of all kinds do have access to one technique that will raise the ki particle flow rate: the Kaioken. Against received wisdom I will detail this technique later, if only to emphasize the dangers of trying to learn this skill away from the healing properties of the Heavenly Realm. The technique involves warping the centre's surface, therefore increasing the surface area but preserving the effective volume, allowing more ki particles through. Performed with too much gusto this technique can tear the body apart cell-by-cell, so for those of us bound to the mortal realm, mastery of this technique could take a lifetime.

There is a trade-off to these size increases, however. The pool of ki particles in your centre depletes far faster when deviating from its natural surface area and size. If all particles are used up, you will be left without a way to draw on ki, and will have to rest for an hour to fully replenish.

A further way to boost power output and to much greater effect is to increase the ki particle's average charge. Again some species have access to physical transformations that can achieve this; Frieza's race being one, where various naturally armoured and therefore lower-energy consumption forms reduce the draw on the centre's ki (both in flow rate and charge), and these forms prevent the individual from overwhelming lower ki energy folk around them.

Saiyans have access to another transformation called "Super Saiyan", one that does not increase the size of the body, but does impact every cell, creating a greater demand for charge per particle on the centre. From the combined research of scientists across the Universe, including my own, we know the transformation requires a level of circulating so-called "S-cells" in the body. In brief (as this transformation will be detailed later), high levels of emotion in the body trigger the S-cells to release a message in ki to all cells, asking them to call for more ki in readiness, in turn triggering the centre to release more ki which manifests as a transformation with recognised stages.

The final way to boost your genki output is to use a different version of genki entirely. The Gods and other non-mortals appear to use their own version of ki that is functionally the same in nearly every way, though God ki is more powerful - the reason for which remains unclear. Curiously, God ki is undetectable by mortals unless they receive specific training. Given how parallel they are, I believe then God and mortal ki to be of different chirality.

Chirality is a concept we find in nature. It is woven into the very structure of our bodies, even. When we look at ourselves in the mirror, our mirror image has the same make-up as us - the same number of blemishes on our face and hairs on our head - but there is no way to spin you around to make you look exactly like your mirror image. You and your mirror twin will always be left-right flipped as "optical isomers" of each other. Similarly, some molecules can have exactly the same chemical formula, but the structure can be left-right flipped. In our bodies, one molecule we ingest can fit snugly into a receptor and work as intended, but the optical isomer will be completely ignored (or worse, cause unpredictable damage in the body).

Mortal and God ki then, with their dyadic relationship, can be thought of as chiral mirror images. Unlike chemical optical isomers however, mortals can learn to accept and use the chiral God ki, but it is not natural and so must be unlocked in some manner and developed.

3.2.1 Raising Yuuki With Kiai

Earthlings are Universally known for their ability to change their ki output without reliable access to transformation or divinely developed techniques. Their wide emotional range and social nature can be repurposed or redirected to drive that increase in power. For an instantaneous boost of genki, we can rely on our yuuki. If you recall section 1.9, yuuki (courage) is not a true form of ki but a mechanism of bolstering the flow rate, and comes from reducing fear to free up "effort" and ki-particles and therefore energy otherwise poised to react in a more animalistic fashion to the stressors before us.

Consider the question - "when we run from a bear, do we run because we're afraid? Or are we afraid because we run?" This truth is a mix of both. Calming the mind can calm the body, yes, but changing our physiological state can also affect very real change in our emotions too, which can in turn free up mental capacity for other purposes. Likewise, amping up the body can amp up the mind and ki in tandem.

In section 2.3 we discussed kiai, the guttural yell. We slowed our breathing, using the inward and outward breaths to create a rhythm that our ki synced to. When our core tightened to yell our ki flowed steadily with the breath, expelled with the kiai. Kiai also raises yuuki, as the steady, conscious breathing slows the heart rate, reducing the physical sensations we attach to fear and therefore fear itself, a calming feedback loop. We can then think of that freed energy as released in a short, sharp burst of "courage" instead.

To practise this, perform a push intent with and without kiai. Notice the increase in strength as ki becomes more dense when paired with kiai. Then repeat the exercise, this time explicitly utilising yuuki. Calm the body to begin with, and with the freed capacity of mind, genki should be easier to focus and kiai more effective, the rush of emotion with each kiai honing the intent rather than distracting from it. Practice these four states until you can sense the difference in power, both in quality and quantity. Throughout your practice keep in mind whether your yuuki is well-maintained or not. There is no need to be perfectly physically calm every practice, only to be able to note how calm to better estimate the strength of that day's intents.

3.2.2. Yuuki - Advanced Calming

Slowing one's breathing has the ability to start a soothing chain reaction through the body. But there is a shortcut - to hack our bodily ki intents themselves, intercepting the messages intended for the heart and other systems.

To learn though we must be quiet to begin with. Sit quietly, slow your breathing, and feel the subtle pulse of ki intent that ripples with your heartbeat. Not the ki itself, as that will be flowing through the body at a near constant, rippling with the breath and heartbeat, but the change in intent that drives the heartbeat. This ripple will track back to the upper-right of the heart (close to the body's centre-line) to the pacemaker cells which control the heart's contractions, and will spread from the pacemaker cells to the rest of the heart. These are the intents we must intercept.

Follow these ripples and imagine them slowing - I think of a soothe intent to envelope and slow the beat intent, and before long you'll feel your heartbeat begin to slow too. The other physical symptoms of fear will leave you as the mechanisms triggering them unwind, freeing your mind and therefore affording you yuuki to use for ki manipulation. With familiarity you'll be able to track these ripples when under huge mental and physical stress.

It should go without saying that upsetting homeostatic equilibrium is extremely dangerous. This technique should only be performed for a few seconds before you let the body drive itself again. I only ever use this technique as a kick to my system, like a full-body shiver to reset. Slowing the heart too much will leave you breathless, drop your blood pressure and cause you to faint. Playing too harshly with pacemaker cells directly could cause them to fall out of sync, triggering cardiac arrest.

The next question both the curious and antagonistic among you will ask is whether this same soothe intent will work on others to incapacitate them. The answer is yes but, thankfully, there is an inbuilt difficulty; these homeostatic intents written with a ki signature are so tightly bound to that person's subconscious that overriding the messages takes considerable skill. I know of one assassin using this method to trigger cardiac arrest, and the genki "injection" must be delivered with great, well-practised precision within close-range. Miss and the assassin is wide open for a counter. I do not recommend developing this technique both for the safety of others and your own.

3.2.3 Field Ki

Genki manipulation has its limits. We have a finite amount of genki (created from chemical (food) energy) and a finite number of ki particles to assign it too. So there is a maximum amount of genki that we can release in one instant and whilst substantial, it is most unsustainable.

Instead the most reliable, near limitless way to amplify ki is to increase the charge per particle by converting genki to field ki (banoki). In section 1.9 we discussed the ki field; how the ki field is a lower energy state consisting of a soup of decayed and garbled ki energy separated from us by a barrier of ki particles. In 2.2 we visited the surface of the ki field to read the ripples created by the ki of others. Now we will reach through that undulating surface to harness the ki energy beyond.

Find a comfortable and well-centred position. Lower yourself to the ki-field as when learning to read the ki-signatures of those outside of auratic contact (exercise 2.2.2). Feel the waves of others, those vibrations, and settle 'above' them. Remember, your spirit is tethered to this reality by its very existence, so it would take a deliberate act to cut that tie and fall in. I'd hope by now you would be familiar with this exercise and such visualisations would be of little use, but for now attend to the ripples to aid the next step.

Now, you must expend a little effort and genki. Let your mind follow your decaying genki down to the field and visualise yourself penetrating the waves' surface with a hollow reed of ki, finding your way between the surface of empty ki particles at the still spots between the waves. A through or part intent works well here. Your genki and the field ki energy will meet through the imagined reed. The link will feel tenuous at first, as both your effort and genki used in the process will render the exercise counterproductive in net ki, but do not fret - with a little practice you will break even and then excel.

Once the connection is established, you will need to gather field ki. Imagine the reed straw you've made growing roots, spreading through the endless sea of field ki below to efficiently fill the space. Imagine those fine tendrils reaching, your ki signature spilling out as genki converts to give a semblance of structure in the field ki. Then, suck that captured ki back through the reed, palming it into your very real hands. Retrieving the ki can be tricky - overextend and your fine genki root system will break, essentially wasting that genki as it breaks down far too fast. Spread too little and, whilst safe, some genki will be wasted, unable to touch field ki and convert. Take your time - the amplification will come. Aim to be able to repeat this cycle of reaching and capture as a smooth, continuous flow. When this convoluted process becomes second nature, amplification can be achieved with a simple boost or swell intent.

3.2.4 Storing and Moving Ki

At first, this mix of kis will be heavy and unwieldy to move between foci as your ki signature is weakened through the mass. The usually chatty and fast to react genki will take a while to send intents through the rest of the more neutral ki, the genki acting as lit touchpaper. The best way to manage this mass of ki is to maintain the "rootlike" structure of genki through the mass, enabling fast communication between genki and the furthest section of field ki.

To practice, focus genki between your hands and swell the mass. As you sense the energy convert, try to send the ball of ki from left to right between your hands. Notice how, as you continue to amplify (and at first even lose total ki energy during the conversion) this movement increases in difficulty, demonstrating that as the fraction of genki energy in the focussed ball lessens, it takes more time to propagate your intent from the ordered, ki-signature laden genki to the unstructured mass of field ki.

Notice too, that if you were to apply for example a push intent, the strength of the ability would falter at first, the genki now having to learn how to send out this particular intent as well as apply it to itself. You will be frustratingly back to those early days of learning the basic intents. With time and practice though your skill and dexterity with intents will return - and faster this time around. When you've matched your previous skill level across a variety of intents when using only a tenth or less of the genki usually required without field ki, you will be ready to move on.

In the heat of the moment more powerful techniques will require more ki than can be created instantaneously, necessitating you to charge up the ki intent. There is a fine balance to be had between adjusting your genki flow as and when you need it for amplification, versus letting your mind work on autopilot at a fixed conversion rate to over-produce ki. The former of course saves you energy, but the micro-management could make you slower to counter. It is therefore prudent to know how to amplify and store that ki for later. If charging and amplifying a specific attack, of course bring ki to the focus in question, but to be ready at a moment's notice to push, to explode upwards to fly and to guard, you will need to store ki in an aura.

The fundamentals of this particular technique were covered in exercise 2.4.5, but to recap, use your centre as a focus, but this time expel ki. The ki should surround you in an approximate sphere, ready to be gathered into external foci like hands or feet, to report back to you nearby danger, or to create a near-instantaneous barrier. Remember when charging to use a hold intent too, otherwise the genki, untasked, will degrade. This technique is named "aura-shoring". When performed at high ki energy densities, ki will spontaneously interact with the world, creating an impressive and intimidating visible glow around the body.

3.2.5 Raising Shouki

We don't only trade genki for field ki during amplification. We expend effort to maintain spiritual calmness, shouki. If yuuki is the calmness between mind and body, shouki is our self-assuredness, the calmness between mind and ki. The stronger our connection between mind and ki, the easier amplification becomes. As discussed in 1.9, disrupting this link by agitating an opponent through very incisive taunts will knock their power-level down considerably, as they will be unable to efficiently convert genki to field ki. Now we wish to raise our own shouki.

To do so we must get in contact with our spiritual selves - not necessarily in a religious manner, but to know and speak our own truth. For my father, his brush with death was enough for his young self to begin to attend to that spiritualness, but you do not need to go to such extremes.

Mindfulness, the ability to just be in the present, comes easier to some than others. Mindfulness is not the ability to empty the mind, for that can be frustrating to achieve as worries for the day pop in and out. Instead we must notice those thoughts, the emotional and physical feelings, and maintain curiosity toward them before setting them aside for the moment. This benign distance affords us the ability to take stock. Spending time attending to how genki moves through our body and the environment around us can also assist in this mindfulness process. It is a focus on the here and now, and is something we can do alongside other exercises.

Mindfulness however is not dissociation, where we disown thoughts and experiences as not happening or not our own as a defense mechanism. And that leads me to a warning. For individuals dealing with dissociation as a result of, for example, psychological trauma, forcing the mind back in the body can cause an abreaction and worsen your state of mind. If you find you have constant bad reactions to mindfulness, or exercises and martial arts that encourage this open state of mind, then please seek professional support before continuing further. I know of one individual who broke through life-long trauma through sheer force of will, but it took him decades and could have ended poorly. However, dealing with the emotional block monumentally improved his raw power through yuuki and shouki, so your mental health is worth working on in whatever capacity you can. I also speak from experience. Fluctuating shouki was a difficulty I had in my childhood, and it took a lot of self-compassion and support from family and friends to let go of the guilt a child can swallow when they do not know any better. Simple grounding exercises - feeling the earth between your toes, naming sounds, colours and smells in the world around you - can suffice to bolster shouki somewhat in the meanwhile, and was the technique I used until I could be truly still and in the moment.

I told you once that I made the fortuitous decision to sit cross legged over seiza for twenty hours of a twenty-five hour ceremony. This ceremony, to unlock my fullest potential, required me to keep very still at a time I wanted to do anything but; my friends and family were in grave danger, some even passing away in the meanwhile, and the god performing the magic did not come across as particularly competent. As the hours ticked by I felt no different, only frustrated and wrestling with all my concerns with little else to distract me. It was only as my anger boiled over that I felt the ease at which ki enveloped my clench fists, and I understood the power of stillness. Whilst I know the silent magic of the god played a more than substantial part in my increase in power, I know holding out hope for Earth while confronting myself and my fears during those endless hours did play some part in repairing and raising my shouki, and I am grateful for that time to reflect. I hope you can find this time, too.

With every possible type of amplification in your knowledge and the most accessible at your disposal, it is now time to relearn all techniques with field ki in the mix. I know, I know it feels a step backward, but trust me, this step is a huge leap forward, and will give you access to all the work following on. When - or if - you can amplify the strength of your techniques by a factor of two with only a tenth of the genki available, you will be ready to proceed to the next section on guarding.

next previous first contents ask?

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

Understanding and Working with the Window of Tolerance

As infants when we have healthy attachment interactions with attuned, consistently available, nurturing caregivers this lays the foundation for the optimal development of our brain and nervous system. Over time this co-regulation (assisted regulation) allows us to learn how to effectively auto-regulate (self-regulate independently).

"Window of Tolerance" a term coined by Dr. Dan Siegel is now commonly used to understand and describe normal brain/body reactions, especially following adversity. The concept suggests that we have an optimal arousal level when we are within the window of tolerance that allows for the ebb and flow (ups and downs of emotions) experienced by human beings. We may experience hurt, anxiety, pain, anger that brings us close to the edges of the window of tolerance but generally we are able to utilize strategies to keep us within this window. Similarly we may feel too exhausted, sad, or shut down but we generally shift out of this. Below is a diagram demonstrating the ebb and flow of an optimally regulated nervous system experiencing activation followed by a settling.

(Levine, Ogden, Siegel)

When we experience adversity through trauma and unmet attachment needs this can drastically disrupt our nervous system. Our senses are heightened and our experiences and reactions are typically intensified and strategies are less readily accessible to us. Adverse experiences also shrink our window of tolerance meaning we have less capacity to ebb and flow and a greater tendency to become overwhelmed more quickly. Learning how to track and shift our affect can be a powerful tool for promoting regulation and integration throughout the brains, body, and mind.

Regarding arousal states: hyperarousal, calm arousal, and hypoarousal.

Calm arousal is the ideal state and that most times during the day we fluctuate within various levels of calm arousal. However, when we become too over-stimulated (fear, pain, anger, trauma triggers etc) to the degree that it pushes us outside of our window of tolerance this is hyperarousal.

Hyperarousal is characterized by excessive activation/energy often in the form of anxiety, panic, fear, hypervigilence, emotional flooding etc. This keeps our system stuck on on and impacts our ability to relax, often making it difficult to sleep, eat and digest food, and optimally manage our emotions. At the most intensified level this may result in dissociative rage/hostility.

Hypoarousal may occur when we have too much hyperarousal, surpassing the pain/emotional overwhelm our brain/body is able to tolerate, causing us to plunge into a state of hypoarousal (shutting down or dissociating). In this state our system can become stuck on off characterized by exhaustion, depression, flat affect, numbness, disconnection, dissociation etc. This too impacts our sleep in that we may want to sleep all the time, this impacts our appetite and digestion as well and may make us feel emotionally deadened.

What I have observed however is that as human beings we only have capacity to stay in one state for so long before the brain and body shifts us. For example, we can only tolerate so much pain, anxiety, fear etc before the brain and body respond and numb us to this excessive energy. Similarly people will only stay in a shut down state feeling emotionally deadened inside before the brain/body shifts us out of this often by gravitating towards (often subconsciously) things that make us feel alive. This could mean that we gravitate towards high risk behaviours or activities uncharacteristic for us to bring about that sense of excitement, activation, and vitality. Essentially we are self-preserving as there is some part of the brain / body that is not ready to be dead yet.

Many people will share that they "don't feel right", "are crazy", "messed up" etc. The know that they don't feel okay but without having experienced regulation in infancy and childhood or following unresolved traumatic experiences that remain activated in the brain and body people may grow up in a manner that they don't know how to self-regulate. Instead, people often attempt to self-regulate and bring themselves into an optimal/calm arousal level any way that they can, without even knowing this is what they are trying to do. For example someone with excessive fear may gravitate towards a depressant to calm their brain and nervous system whereas someone feeling emotionally deadened may gravitate towards a stimulant to make them feel alive.

Understanding the function of how people are responding and what may be needed to effectively shift this emotional state is critical for finding effective strategies to shift arousal that don't lead to further harm to self or others or leave the individual with a sense of shame. This can be referred to as a false refuge in that it provides the "illusion" that it is helping but in the end the problem is still there and maybe even bigger and now we have layered on shame, guilt, a sense of failure etc., as we have responded in a way that we didn't want to. A "true refuge" is something we do for ourselves that effectively allows us to shift towards our optimal arousal zone while building competencies and taking care of ourselves in a manner that feels good.

Parents, loved ones, and teachers/staff can help by identifying and labelling (making observations based on how children are presenting) “It looks like you are feeling overwhelmed, why don’t we take a break” etc. Dan Siegel refers to this as "name it to tame it". Naming it allows for a sense of understanding and being seen as well as validation. When we stop to notice (within ourselves or others) this can be a powerful grounding tool. Children, youth, and adults should be encouraged to focus mindfully on noticing how they feel, how their body feels, and identifying what they need to feel right again. Our goal is to essentially broaden this window of tolerance increasing capacity for people to hold emotional experiences (even intense ones) without become dysregulated or going into a state of hyper or hypo arousal.

When we understand where people are within this window of tolerance it allows us to target treatment or teach them and their loved ones skills and strategies to effectively promote affect regulation. The function of the behaviour is important to understand with compassionate curiosity. For example, for the person who is self harming are they self harming because the pain they feel is so intense that the self-harming behaviour is the only thing that provides release, or are they doing so because they feel so emotionally deadened that they self-harm to feel alive. This can help to effectively target treatment. If we have too much, discharging the excess energy and intense emotions ​will often help to shift things, think about it...this is precisely what happens when intense emotions build then explode out of us through conflict or chaos. There is a release of the emotional build-up but it is messy and harmful for us and those around us. Instead learning how to effectively release these intense emotions can be helpful. Similarly if we are feeling shut down, using strategies to optimally stimulate our brain and nervous system in a healthy and empowering manner can shift us out of this state in a away that feels good for us.

I have included some sample interventions below, but again these are general strategies. Those unique to the individual will have the greatest efficacy. Often these can be discovered in therapy as well, at ATTCH we train therapists all over the world to learn how to deliver trauma-specific integrative treatment many other professionals are also providing training in these areas and as such the amount of therapist providing integrative trauma treatment is growing regularly.

Some examples for shifting arousal levels are included below.

The key is figuring out what works and when. At times some activities may be down regulating / grounding while at times the same activity may be stimulating. Try different things and find what works well for you. Practice strategies when you are calm and on a regular basis, this will build your capacity to access these when you start to become overwhelmed. If introducing activities to a client or loved one, it is important to monitor the affect of the individual you are working with and request feedback from them to notice how they are feeling.

Sample activities to decrease arousal include:

Diaphragmatic breathing (deep and slow tummy breathing)

Drinking from a straw

Throwing a therapy / yoga ball at a blank wall or outside wall

Jumping on a trampoline or mini trampoline

Weighted blanket

Warm water

shaking or stomping out excess energy

Therapy / yoga ball (rolling along back when child / youth is lying face down on mat – gentle but firm pressure)

Heavy work (lifting, pulling, pushups, wheelbarrow races, crab walk, leap frog etc.)

Music (soothing and calming music and sounds)

Comforting food (hot chocolate or something chewy but smooth such as a tootsie roll)

Sample activities to increase arousal include:

Anything that stimulates the senses!

Smelling essential oils (smell is the fastest way to the thinking brain - where our strategies are!)

Chewy crunchy food

Use of sensory shaker (ball pit) for tactile input

Movement

Jumping on a trampoline or mini trampoline

Gently sitting and bouncing on therapy ball (simulating rocking motion)

Rocking chair

Weighted blanket

Finger painting

Water play with a straw (blowing through the straw)

Dancing and music

Elevated arousal makes it more likely that an individual will be more reactive, startle more readily, have difficulty concentrating and focusing, feel unsafe in open or crowded spaces, and constantly be scanning for threat even when no threat is present (Scarer, 2013; van der Kolk, 2014; Steele, & Kuban, 2012). This is important information for schools to understand as well.

When providing support to others it is important to recall that trauma is marked by a loss of control, therefore the ability to establish control and experience a sense of safety and empowerment is of priority in the face of real or perceived threat. Dan Hughes provides a great visual for this (see below) demonstrating how warm touch, face, voice communicates with our amygdala to promote a sense of safety. I would suggest (based on Stephen Porges work) that this generalizes to all interactions when we are communicating with a soft voice, soft facial expression, gentle posturing, and gentle and welcomed touch this promotes a sense of safety and provides a calm attuned presence. You can increase empowerment and safety as follows:

Respond in a right-brain (sensory) rather than left-brain (cognitive) level. Adjust the tone, volume, cadence of your voice, proximity, body posturing, breathing etc., to a level that will present as calm helping to coregulate the individual you are interacting with

Validate their emotions and offer to help them regulate (it looks like you are feeling angry, would it be helpful if we..(insert strategy known to help here)

Allow for choice and control (when in an activated state threat is readily perceived and in fact assumed – this is why reactions are often so exaggerated. To reduce the arousal level provide opportunity for them to do what they perceive as necessary to return to calm (going for a walk, throwing a ball around etc)

Do not engage in behavioural and cause and effect approaches (i.e., if you do this then…). These are higher function, left-brain responses and not something they are capable in the moment, rather this is likely to result in increased escalation.

(Hughes, 2009)

In summary, learning how to shift your arousal level, the arousal level of your loved ones, or those you work with can be a powerful tool for promoting integration and building competencies. It can also lead to feeling more comfortable in ones own body and more confident in the ability to manage emotions and maintain relationships.

https://www.attachment-and-trauma-treatment-centre-for-healing.com/blogs/understanding-and-working-with-the-window-of-tolerance

[aniverous]

Mirror World Ideas

I've been thinking about how the Mirror World could actually function, and I'm never gonna get around to writing all of these, so I figured I'd post them because why not:

Reflections were not sapient or sentient at the beginning. The Mirror World was just another function of the Prime World, like gravity or thermodynamics. However, since Reflections were directly connected to the Prime World in a way other forces of reality weren't, once sentient life developed Reflections gained the capacity for sentience as a species, and once sapient life appeared they developed the capacity for that as well.

Reflections have the memories of their Prime, but the connection is weak enough that Reflections can possess their own minds.

Before becoming sapient, Reflections would Recycle automatically upon their Prime's death, which means melting back into the substance of the Mirror World and re-emerging as the reflection of someone else. With sapient Reflections, the process only happens if the Prime-less Reflection decides to have it happen. If they are killed in the Mirror World, they Recycle at the moment of death.

If they die outside of the Mirror World, they don't Recycle, and no one knows what happens to them.

Reflections don't keep their memories when they're Recycled, but they are aware that they have been Recycled. They usually don't bother counting how many times it happens, but some Reflections have been around since the dinosaurs.

It is rare for a Reflection to choose to become a Flec rather than get Recycled, and the Flecs are only needed occasionally, as it's uncommon for someone to become a 'Sliver'.

The Flecs were formed once Humans started philosophizing about their existence, causing Reflections to do the same. Most Reflections disagreed with the 'radicals' who wanted Reflections to have an identity outside of the Primes, and they were quickly crushed.

There have been rare instances of Slivers injuring and killing other Reflections out of desperation or malice, but usually they just run and hide.

No sound can be heard from the Mirror World by the Prime World, but sound can travel from the Prime World into the Mirror World, albeit muffled.

Reflections have no 'off duty' time, not even when there are no Primes around to see them. No communication is had between Reflections, and they only know how to speak at all by listening to and mimicking the Primes talking.

Of course, despite the 'no talking' rule, rumors and information still inevitably spread, given the unstoppable nature of such things.

The Chrome Car is the subject of the majority of the rumors.

Reflections have no books, songs, or official history of any kind. All rules and information are passed from Flec to Flec, told to the Reflections by the Flecs, or spoken in whispers in quiet moments.

No matter the connections or feelings between their Primes, Reflections do not consider each other family, friends, enemies, or any other relation because their Primes are. Any bonds between their Primes are inconsequential to their view of each other.

Most Reflections actually have very little personality. They have no societal or personal interaction standards that would encourage them to develop individually, and have very few personal traits to speak of, usually forming in response to however they view their Prime. This is more likely the longer they've been reflecting a person, as their sense of individuality will fade over time. If you talked to the average Reflection, they would behave like they were in a permanently dissociated state.

This is the main of many reasons why, despite there being billions of sapient Reflections, there has been no successful rebellion of any sort.

The desire to reflect Primes is an instinct, strong enough that there are few deviants, but weak enough that it is overpowered by conscious thought.

Non-sapient Reflections simply take their Primes’ memories and personalities as their own, giving up minds they have no reason to hold onto. Extremely worn-down sapient Reflections can do this as well.

The Mirror World is not a solid space, the Chrome Car being the exception. Rather than having sky and ground, the dimension merges everything together as though the entire world was liquid metal, with chunks of the metal in solid form floating around and gravity being nonexistent, the air extremely cold and heavy. The reflective surfaces connecting it to the Prime World float in the liquid space, and move in response to the surfaces' movements in the Prime World. Rather than physically moving, although they are capable of it, Reflections warp to move around, using their Prime as an anchor.

There are rumors that if you go too far out, you'll hit the edge of the Mirror World and drift away into nothingness.

Reflections do need oxygen to live in both dimensions, so the Mirror World has an atmosphere, albeit a very different one. While Reflections can hold their breath for a long time in comparison to their Prime species counterpart, they will eventually suffocate if they don’t breath.

The only way out of the Mirror World is the Chrome Car, so the Flecs keep it on high alert.

While the metal is very similar to chrome, the substance making up everything and everyone in the Mirror World is a unique metal not found in the Prime World. There is no actual name for it, so it's called chrome until the Prime World has the opportunity to discover and analyze it.

The Chrome Car is made of this metal, and is the only place the substance touches the Prime World, which is why it's the only way out.

All appearances of Reflections interacting with things while reflecting are in fact illusions made by the Mirror World bending light so the Prime doesn't see the gray void the Reflection is actually in. This includes making the Reflections' look like their Prime in terms of color, and making their metal skin appear altered and/or malleable. Inside the Mirror World, the light bends and twists around everything like a self-contained Aurora Borealis.

Clothing is actually not an illusion, however, as a metal reflection of the Prime’s outfit will form around the Reflection to match the Prime. No one is sure why this happens, but escapees are grateful that they don’t start out naked.

The metal clothes fall under the ‘people can’t jump out of people’ rule, as they are technically a part of the Reflection. If the Reflection dies, the clothes melt too.

Reflections do not have children. Prime newborns either get a Recycled Reflection or, if there are none available, a brand new Reflection formed by the Mirror World. Any signs of pregnancy in Reflections are illusions by the Mirror World.

In modern times, it is rare for a new Reflection to be made, as the Reflection population would be whatever the maximum number of Prime beings there had been at one time. This only happens if the Prime species experiences a population boom, or a rare massacre or plague occurs in the Mirror World.

Inside the Mirror World, Reflections get all the energy they need to survive from the dimension itself, and don't need to eat, drink, sleep, or do anything but breath to survive, although they are physically able to do all of it. In the Prime World, they have the same needs as whatever species they reflect. This information is widely unknown, so most Reflections that do get out run themselves to exhaustion and either get caught by the Flecs due to weakness or die of starvation and thirst.

There is, however, coffee and hot-chocolate in the Mirror World, which the Flecs import from the Train. They’re given to Flecs as a reward for their service, and to Reflections who report deviants as a reward for doing so. It’s surprisingly effective as a motivator.

Reflections cannot survive for any period of time without the unique energy of the Mirror World. They automatically cannot detach fully from reflective surfaces as a function of their bodies to prevent instant death. The Flecs’ skin-suits are designed to circumvent this by containing some of this energy, but given how Flecs only go to the Prime World in rare instances, the technology is underdeveloped.

Theoretically, an organic Prime lifeform could survive in the Mirror World without equipment, but only for a short time as the intense cold and extremely dense atmosphere would become fatal quickly. Since the Chrome Car is designed to have Humans enter the Mirror World, it nullifies these issues for its area.

All technology in the Mirror World is made by repurposing the metal using methods known only to the Flecs as a means of controlling and maintaining the Mirror World.

The skin-suits only work on the Train, as the dimension's odd properties make the barrier weak enough to pass through, as well as make it possible for the Chrome Car to punch through to the Mirror World.

Reflections only feel pain if they are damaged to the point that their body loses its structural integrity, which causes them to liquify. Small wounds can heal on their own by re-solidifying over time, but for serious wounds there are treatments that can stabilize the body up to a certain point.

Scratches, dents, and dried liquid wounds are fixed by smoothing them out and just waiting for the metal to replenish itself. Care must be taken not to grind the metal too far down or you’ll just liquify the injury again.

Fixing a huge wound mostly involves keeping the liquifying area in the right position and then welding and molding the skin layer closed around it. The Mirror World will slowly regenerate more metal to replace what the Reflection's body lost, but it only helps if the wound is in a stable position. If the damage is beyond what can be stabilized, like a missing chunk or huge gash, then there’s nothing to be done.

Since they only have a single mirror or a skin-suit connecting them to the dimension, escaped Reflections and Flecs in the Prime World heal much slower and are less likely to survive serious wounds.

Reflections can't get organic-life illnesses, but they can develop something resembling rust if damaged in either world if injuries are not tended to. Rust on the surface of their bodies formed from scratches acts like a rash or skin disease, and is relatively easy to remove. But if it reaches into the body, through a liquified injury or an ignored surface infection, it will act like an infected wound and will absolutely kill the Reflection if not given serious medical treatment.

Rust, as it’s called for lack of a better name, doesn't affect Prime lifeforms, but is contagious among Reflections, with metal not part of living Reflections, such as tools and ground, not being affected. Rare incidents where rogue Reflections injured many others have sometimes resulted in total outbreaks occurring.

Much like how Reflections can sense their Primes’ thoughts, Flecs can sense the thoughts of Reflections when the Reflections in question specifically focus on summoning the Flecs. This is how they are alerted about rogues, injuries, and Rust cases.

Reflections do not normally mourn their dead. To them, they have just been Recycled early. If a large number of Reflections have been killed at one time in a massacre or Rust outbreak, then they will mourn for a short time.

If the reflective surface attached to an escaped Reflection is cracked, their body will fracture as well, moving out from the object and going down beneath the skin as the damage to the object gets worse. If the object breaks completely, so does the Reflection before they liquify as the body becomes unsustainable.

Reflections are unable to dream inside the Mirror World. In the Prime World, not only can they have normal dreams and nightmares, but they can get brief flashes and memories of their previous lives if they encounter the right stimuli.

Escaped Reflections will no longer receive the memories of their Prime unless they re-enter the Mirror World. They will still feel the instinctive desire to reflect their Prime’s movements if the Reflection is looking at them.

Once out of the Mirror World, a Reflection will still grow and age, but they will only have the lifespan of the species they reflect, since the Mirror World will slowly stop giving them energy once the maximum amount of time has passed.

[study-to-rule-the-world]

Complex Trauma Effects

Children whose families and homes do not provide consistent safety, comfort, and protection may develop ways of coping that allow them to survive and function day to day. For instance, they may be overly sensitive to the moods of others, always watching to figure out what the adults around them are feeling and how they will behave. They may withhold their own emotions from others, never letting them see when they are afraid, sad, or angry. These kinds of learned adaptations make sense when physical and/or emotional threats are ever-present. As a child grows up and encounters situations and relationships that are safe, these adaptations are no longer helpful, and may in fact be counterproductive and interfere with the capacity to live, love, and be loved.

Complex trauma can affect children in a multitude of ways. Here are some common effects.

Attachment and Relationships

The importance of a child’s close relationship with a caregiver cannot be overestimated. Through relationships with important attachment figures, children learn to trust others, regulate their emotions, and interact with the world; they develop a sense of the world as safe or unsafe, and come to understand their own value as individuals. When those relationships are unstable or unpredictable, children learn that they cannot rely on others to help them. When primary caregivers exploit and abuse a child, the child learns that he or she is bad and the world is a terrible place.

The majority of abused or neglected children have difficulty developing a strong healthy attachment to a caregiver. Children who do not have healthy attachments have been shown to be more vulnerable to stress. They have trouble controlling and expressing emotions, and may react violently or inappropriately to situations. Our ability to develop healthy, supportive relationships with friends and significant others depends on our having first developed those kinds of relationships in our families. A child with a complex trauma history may have problems in romantic relationships, in friendships, and with authority figures, such as teachers or police officers.

Physical Health: Body and Brain

From infancy through adolescence, the body’s biology develops. Normal biological function is partly determined by environment. When a child grows up afraid or under constant or extreme stress, the immune system and body’s stress response systems may not develop normally. Later on, when the child or adult is exposed to even ordinary levels of stress, these systems may automatically respond as if the individual is under extreme stress. For example, an individual may experience significant physiological reactivity such as rapid breathing or heart pounding, or may "shut down" entirely when presented with stressful situations. These responses, while adaptive when faced with a significant threat, are out of proportion in the context of normal stress and are often perceived by others as “overreacting” or as unresponsive or detached.

Stress in an environment can impair the development of the brain and nervous system. An absence of mental stimulation in neglectful environments may limit the brain from developing to its full potential. Children with complex trauma histories may develop chronic or recurrent physical complaints, such as headaches or stomachaches. Adults with histories of trauma in childhood have been shown to have more chronic physical conditions and problems. They may engage in risky behaviors that compound these conditions (e.g., smoking, substance use, and diet and exercise habits that lead to obesity).

Complexly traumatized youth frequently suffer from body dysregulation, meaning they over-respond or under-respond to sensory stimuli. For example, they may be hypersensitive to sounds, smells, touch or light, or they may suffer from anesthesia and analgesia, in which they are unaware of pain, touch, or internal physical sensations. As a result, they may injure themselves without feeling pain, suffer from physical problems without being aware of them, or, the converse – they may complain of chronic pain in various body areas for which no physical cause can be found.

Emotional Responses

Children who have experienced complex trauma often have difficulty identifying, expressing, and managing emotions, and may have limited language for feeling states. They often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger. Their emotional responses may be unpredictable or explosive. A child may react to a reminder of a traumatic event with trembling, anger, sadness, or avoidance. For a child with a complex trauma history, reminders of various traumatic events may be everywhere in the environment. Such a child may react often, react powerfully, and have difficulty calming down when upset. Since the traumas are often of an interpersonal nature, even mildly stressful interactions with others may serve as trauma reminders and trigger intense emotional responses. Having learned that the world is a dangerous place where even loved ones can’t be trusted to protect you, children are often vigilant and guarded in their interactions with others and are more likely to perceive situations as stressful or dangerous. While this defensive posture is protective when an individual is under attack, it becomes problematic in situations that do not warrant such intense reactions. Alternately, many children also learn to “tune out” (emotional numbing) to threats in their environment, making them vulnerable to revictimization.

Difficulty managing emotions is pervasive and occurs in the absence of relationships as well. Having never learned how to calm themselves down once they are upset, many of these children become easily overwhelmed. For example, in school they may become so frustrated that they give up on even small tasks that present a challenge. Children who have experienced early and intense traumatic events also have an increased likelihood of being fearful all the time and in many situations. They are more likely to experience depression as well.

Dissociation

Dissociation is often seen in children with histories of complex trauma. When children encounter an overwhelming and terrifying experience, they may dissociate, or mentally separate themselves from the experience. They may perceive themselves as detached from their bodies, on the ceiling, or somewhere else in the room watching what is happening to their bodies. They may feel as if they are in a dream or some altered state that is not quite real or as if the experience is happening to someone else. Or they may lose all memories or sense of the experiences having happened to them, resulting in gaps in time or even gaps in their personal history. At its extreme, a child may cut off or lose touch with various aspects of the self.

Although children may not be able to purposely dissociate, once they have learned to dissociate as a defense mechanism they may automatically dissociate during other stressful situations or when faced with trauma reminders. Dissociation can affect a child’s ability to be fully present in activities of daily life and can significantly fracture a child’s sense of time and continuity. As a result, it can have adverse effects on learning, classroom behavior, and social interactions. It is not always evident to others that a child is dissociating and at times it may appear as if the child is simply “spacing out,” daydreaming, or not paying attention.

Behavior

A child with a complex trauma history may be easily triggered or “set off” and is more likely to react very intensely. The child may struggle with self-regulation (i.e., knowing how to calm down) and may lack impulse control or the ability to think through consequences before acting. As a result, complexly traumatized children may behave in ways that appear unpredictable, oppositional, volatile, and extreme. A child who feels powerless or who grew up fearing an abusive authority figure may react defensively and aggressively in response to perceived blame or attack, or alternately, may at times be overcontrolled, rigid, and unusually compliant with adults. If a child dissociates often, this will also affect behavior. Such a child may seem “spacey”, detached, distant, or out of touch with reality. Complexly traumatized children are more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors, such as self-harm, unsafe sexual practices, and excessive risk-taking such as operating a vehicle at high speeds. They may also engage in illegal activities, such as alcohol and substance use, assaulting others, stealing, running away, and/or prostitution, thereby making it more likely that they will enter the juvenile justice system.

Self-Concept and Future Orientation

Children learn their self-worth from the reactions of others, particularly those closest to them. Caregivers have the greatest influence on a child’s sense of self-worth and value. Abuse and neglect make a child feel worthless and despondent. A child who is abused will often blame him- or herself. It may feel safer to blame oneself than to recognize the parent as unreliable and dangerous. Shame, guilt, low self-esteem, and a poor self-image are common among children with complex trauma histories.

To plan for the future with a sense of hope and purpose, a child needs to value him- or herself. To plan for the future requires a sense of hope, control, and the ability to see one’s own actions as having meaning and value. Children surrounded by violence in their homes and communities learn from an early age that they cannot trust, the world is not safe, and that they are powerless to change their circumstances. Beliefs about themselves, others, and the world diminish their sense of competency. Their negative expectations interfere with positive problem-solving, and foreclose on opportunities to make a difference in their own lives. A complexly traumatized child may view himself as powerless, “damaged,” and may perceive the world as a meaningless place in which planning and positive action is futile. They have trouble feeling hopeful. Having learned to operate in “survival mode,” the child lives from moment-to-moment without pausing to think about, plan for, or even dream about a future.

[vasiktomis]

Number 18 for the otp ask? 😌

!! Thank you Raven!! I don't think I QUITE answered this one properly but I hope there's enough angst in there to be satisfactory.

18. Describe or write a really angsty scene!

Sadly I don't have a scene for you, but a concept lol. Angst dynamic for this pairing that isn't directly attributed to the main plot is something that really interests me, because they both communicate in such different ways and they have the potential to clash in a really nasty way.

Warnings ahead for mentions of dissociation and toxic behaviours!

John and Cora are both creatures of habit. They work hard to communicate, but when you're Montana's two most misunderstood people AND you have issues interpreting the world around you, it can be a struggle. It's difficult for John to find proper balance between outright vitriol and overbearing, all-encompassing, obsessive love. It gets more difficult the closer someone is to his heart. The easier it is for him to get caught up trying to read between the lines. His sensitivities skyrocket. Cora, meanwhile, shuts down completely when she's feeling overwhelmed. While John overflows with emotion, Cora dissociates. When they're both caught at a bad time, communication becomes nearly impossible.

John's used to having Joseph to continually offer him support to set his mind at ease. It's not fair, but his instinct is to expect the same of Cora. Joseph was manipulative about how dependent John was on him for stability, but it was still instant validation. Sometimes he can't understand that Cora isn't emotionally available 100% of the time. She can't sense his emotions like Joseph can, so when he's down and she barely reacts, he loses it. Obviously she doesn't give a shit about him. Obviously this entire thing was a mistake. He needs to pack her things and tell her to leave. He needs to scream. He needs to curl up at her feet and beg her to tell him she loves him and mean it. Tell him he hasn't done anything wrong. Why doesn't she coddle him like Joseph does? Does she hate him? What the fuck is wrong with her?

John melting down can set Cora off just as easily. When she's had a bad experience that day and he insists on clinging to her. When he's clearly upset and expecting her to read his mind. Sort through his feelings with him when she doesn't even have the capacity to function herself. He's so emotional and high-energy and overwhelming and its easier to just retreat into the back of her mind. He needs something from her right now, but she can't help him. She needs to be left alone, and he refuses to let that happen. He's speaking every language she doesn't, and he looks heartbroken when she musters a "go away", because a simple instruction for her is pages of subtext for him to agonise over.

It's not until they're both utterly exhausted from the ordeal that they can be exposed to each other again.

John will apologise. So will Cora. They'll tiredly run through what happened. How they interpreted it. How they can do better next time. Sometimes, the exhaustion is where Cora loses her energy. She'll drop the walls she always keeping up. She wishes she wasn't faulty. She'll cry, and that's enough to make John cry, because his own faults have made her feel this way about herself.

They babble messy assurances of love and appreciation. They find each other again and celebrate that they get better at this every time. It's all learning. They talk and listen on and off about the issue until their thoughts run dry. Until they're on exactly the same word of the same sentence of the same page.

[compassionatereminders]

Okay, I’ve thought about it and I want to share the details of my current crisis with y’all. But first of all, a disclaimer: I do not have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I am not claiming to suddenly have DID. I am also not doing this intentionally. I am not sure what’s going on, but I am aware it isn’t DID and it also isn’t intentional. I want you all to know that before I proceed.

Five years ago I was hospitalized due to delusions of control. I had the experience that a non human entity tried to possess my body in order to kill me and in an unknown capacity “use” my body after my death. She (yes, she eventually chose a set of pronouns) tried to force me to commit suicide and harm myself against my will several times and I had to spend a month in a high security psych ward.

As time passed and my increased dose of antipsychotics made her more docile, she stopped trying to kill me and instead tried to appeal to me. She didn’t actually want me to die, she just wanted to have some access to a body so that she could live some kind of life. Without a body, she is nothing. She cannot live or interact with the physical world at all without using a human body - and she was tired of the nothingness of having no way to affect and interact with the world.

Trying to kill me obviously didn’t work, so she started wanting to cooperate. To share the body. For a while we slowly got to know each other a little. She chose the name Erin and she explored the world and things like music and TV shows through my body. She even had an online space for a while and occasionally talked and acted through me, which freaked a lot of people out.

Eventually the medication kicked in for good and she lost touch with my body, but she was still there. Waiting for a chance to get back in and get her dream of having a physical and tangible existence come true. A couple years later during a med change in another psych ward she returned for a couple hours, and recently some personal circumstances meant that I felt her presence again, although I managed to fight her off then.

After that I got distracted and went into some kind of emergency mode by the current global crisis and for a while she was quiet - but then, yesterday, while I was already in the middle of falling apart due to anxiety, she appeared. Not to hurt me or kill me. To offer me a deal. If I allow her to use the body sometimes (not take over the body for good, just use it every once in a while) she will try to be discreet and help me keep the body safe and functional.

I was in a weak place and hated myself and my life so I let her come through - and for a couple hours she talked to my understandable very worried boyfriend. She didn’t hurt me. I genuinely don’t think she wants to. I’m not sure if it’s because she has actually changed or because she knows that she isn’t going to have access to the body for long if I fight back with all my power.

She even respected my boundaries. Didn’t post anything here because she “knew I wouldn’t like it.” Voluntarily took the antipsychotics which might make her lose control of the body again to placate my boyfriend. Didn’t make any stupid or dangerous stunts. And she left voluntarily after a couple hours. So I genuinely think she is coming with better intentions this time.

I don’t know what she is (besides a result of me having schizophrenia) or how this will escalate and develop, but facts are that the entity which used to be my worst nightmare and biggest fear is now back, offering to help me cope in exchange for getting to occasionally use my body. Right now she’s quiet and docile, waiting for me to think and make a decision. She isn’t forcing herself on me, she’s just reaching out a hand and willing me to take it. She seems to genuinely desire some kind of mutually beneficial relationship. 

I really don’t know what to do. On one hand I am scared of her cause I don’t know what she is and I do know that she is capable of hurting people in order to get what she wants - but on the other hand there IS a certain appeal in the thought of getting a break sometimes. In having someone else deal with the reality of my life when I can’t manage to cope with it myself. 

It scares me that I am even considering this, but I do need to find a way to keep myself together, and while this probably isn’t on the list of recommended coping strategies, it might actually work as a temporary solution? Or it might not. Who knows. I most definitely don’t and any input would be much appreciated.

[manshibansal-blog]

How did Literary Theory came to shape?

Comprehension of literary theory many a times begets a question that what was the body of theory about literature that has existed from centuries as an underpinning for the study of literature?  The answer to this question can be traced from 4th century BC when Aristotle had set the ball rolling to study literature through his Poetics. In this piece of work, Aristotle renders a defining word for the genre ‘tragedy’ while maintaining that literature is about character and the curtain that hides ‘what a character is’ is removed through his actions.    Tragedy, as he puts it, should stimulate the emotions of pity and fear, which can be put as sympathy for and empathy with the scrape of the protagonist, which cause a resultant factor by dint of amalgamation of these emotions, namely ‘catharsis’ whereby these emotions are exercised as the audience identify themselves with the predicament of the central character.

Now, the second milestone in the track so instigated was embedded by Sir Philip Sydney. He belonged to a religious age which was chary of accepting any kind of fiction and poetry, and it had so framed its beliefs that it would identify these practices of writing as evil, the work of the devil. In such an age he took a valorous step by letting his work Apology for Poetry (1580) see the light of the day. He was bent to stretch the horizons of the definition of literature that was first rendered by the Latin poet Ovid (43 BC- AD 17), which is docere delictendo – to teach by delighting. Sydney also quotes Horace (65 – 8 BC) to the effect that a poem is ‘a speaking picture, with this end, to teach and delight’. The study of literature, here, renders a central position to receiving of pleasure unlike philosophy which is uplifting but do not allow space for fun. Sydney’s aim was trailblazing; he wanted to distinguish literature from other forms of writing on the rationale that literature’s primary purport is rendering pleasure to the reader, and any moral or didactic element is either subordinate to it or at least unlikely to succeed without it.

Now, here comes the time for the third milestone to be cognised. This step towards the evolution of theory had been taken by Samuel Johnson way down in time, in the eighteenth century. He marks the commencement of the tradition of practical criticism in English, since he is the first one to offer a detailed commentary on the work of a single author. His Lives of the Poets and Prefaces to Shakespeare can be viewed as majorly contributing to his idea stated above. Prior to Johnson it was only the Bible and equivalent books of other religions that were subjected to such an intense scrutiny.

The fourth milestone on this road was embedded by the major thriving of critical theory in the works of the romantic poets, namely William Wordsworth, S. T. Coleridge, John Keats and P. B. Shelley. One of the indispensible contributions in this regard is Wordsworth’s Preface to Lyrical Ballads which blends high literature and popular literature, as it encapsulates literary ballads constructed on the model of the popular oral ballads of ordinary country people. It renders space for the new idea that poetic language should be much like the language of prose avoiding the conventions of diction and verbal structure that had held dominion for so long. It also drags attention to the issue of the relationship between ‘literature’ and other kinds of writing.

The other essential work from the Romantic era was Coleridge’s “Biographia Literaria”. Much of the space that it occupies explicitly addresses the idea contained in Wordsworth’s Preface. He gainsaid the notion that the language of poetry must strive to become like the language of prose, and the major way to entertain the readers, according to Coleridge, is through the language in which the text is written; it entertains via its fictive qualities which become the source of aesthetic effect.  

P. B. Shelley’s A Defence of Poetry (1821) reckons that poetry is essentially engaged with ‘defamiliarisation’, since, according to him, poetry purges from within us the view of familiarity and compels us to feel what we perceive and imagine what we already know. This phenomenal critical document foretells T. S. Eliot’s notion of impersonality put forward in his essay, ‘Tradition and the Individual Talent’ (1919). It also gives a hint of Freud’s idea of mind as made up of conscious and unconscious.

The concept of unconscious is very often found in Romanticism and is implicit in everything written about poetry by another key figure, John Keats. He did not formally write about literary theory but reflects on poetry in his letters, for instance in a letter to Bailey of 22 November, 1817, he writes that the simple imaginative mind may have its awards in the repetition of its own silent working coming continually on the spirit with a fine suddenness. Here, the silent working of the mind is the unconscious and the spirit into which it erupts is the conscious. Keats’ notion of negative capability also records unconscious as paramount.  

After the Romantics the next milestone was embedded by the work of mid and late Victorians: George Eliot, Matthew Arnold and Henry James.

The focus on the concept of ‘close-reading’ in the 1920s had partly popped up from the works of Matthew Arnold. He remained a crucial figure in the history of English criticism.  

He feared that the atrophy of religion would leave a cleaved society with no common system of beliefs and values, and this would be a potentially disastrous consequence. Thus, he came up with a solution that literature can be a possible replacement for religion in this regard and also weened that the middle classes on whom the responsibility of democracy majorly fell, had been debased by materialism and philistinism. So this became the apt timing for the critic to jump in and help people in cognising the best that has been known and thought in the world and therefore, it enlarged their capacities to identify and approbate the canon of great works that had been carved out of the wisdom of the ages.     Arnold seems to be bringing to sunshine the advocacy that he had for the amateur. According to him, if one has not read everything but have read the best and is able to pen down its qualities, then he can have the confidence to write and reach a true judgement on it. This veering change announced a direct relationship between the reader and the great literary works/writers.      

His momentous thoughts are found in the essay titled The Function of Criticism at the Present Time and The Study of Poetry. He has brought to prominence the conviction that literature must remain disinterested that is, politically detached and uncommitted to any specific action, and the motive behind literary criticism is to attain pure and disinterested knowledge which in his terms is to see the object as in itself it really is.

His key literary-critical device is the idea of ‘touchstone’ where he advocates that there must always be in mind the lines and expressions of the great masters and they must be applied as a touchstone in framing critical appreciations of other literary works in order to render a ‘real’ rather than a ‘historic’ or a ‘personal’ stance.  

The next salient contribution in the canon of critical ideas has been made by T. S. Eliot, and his prime formulations are:

1. Dissociation of Sensibility – Eliot coined this term in his review article on Herbert Grierson’s edition of The Metaphysical Poets in the seventeenth century where he backed the idea that thought and feeling must be separate.

2. Poetic Impersonality – Eliot developed this term in his two-part essay, Tradition and the Individual Talent.  This term can be viewed as his way of deflecting the contemporary thinking about poetry from the ideas of originality and self-expression which were raised to prominence by Romanticism.  More than perceiving poetry as a mere outflow of emotions and personal experience, he saw it as transcending of the individual by a sense of tradition which spoke through, and is transmitted by, the individual poet. Hence, there is a fine line of distinction between the mind of the individual, the experiencing human being and the voice which speaks to the readers.

3. Objective Correlative – This is a notion developed in the essay On Hamlet, which is the encapsulation of English empiricist attitudes. According to objective correlative, the best way to show emotions the doors in art is through gesture, action or concrete symbolism rather than approaching it implicitly. This runs, perhaps, parallel with the ancient distinction made by Plato between mimesis and diegesis.

Finally comes in the last name on the list which is F. R. Leavis, the most influential British critic prior to the theory movement. He also, like Arnold, saw that the study and appreciation of literature is a pre-condition to the health of society. For him, the abstract thoughts were insignificant and he wanted to look for a system which would by-pass fixed criteria. Like Arnold, he turned down attempts to politicise either literature or criticism implicitly. But, he differed from Arnold too as he took the past great writers more or less for granted. He composed essays, radiating the essence of his method, which hit the reputation of some major established figures.    

Leavis began as an admirer of T. S. Eliot’s critical works but he steered clear of shaping out critical vocabulary and deployed terms and phrases which already had set meanings. For him, what makes a work worthy is its conduciveness to life and vitality.    In 1932 he founded an important journal called Scrutiny along with his wife, Q. D. Leavis, which they produced together for twenty-one years. As the title itself suggests, it extended the ‘close-reading’ method beyond poetry to novels and other materials. He can be reckoned as a combination of Samuel Johnson and Matthew Arnold because he offered former’s moralism and the latter’s thoughts concerning society.    

[wild-mountain-yoga-center]

Yoga For Physical and Mental Wellness

The meaning of Yoga is to connect the Soul with God. Moksha (Salvation), freedom from all types of pain by living a balanced life is the ultimate goal of Yoga. Doing away with mundane and trivial desires arising in the mind is Yoga.

Yoga is a technique through which man exercised control over his physical and mental being, to attain hitherto unachieved states of bliss and to be able to conjecture on God or The Supreme Soul, the Parmatma, and to dwell upon the creation and existence of this world. Yoga offers a path to final Salvation as well as a more temporal kind, temporal in terms of relieving unhappiness, the kind that certainly results from poor health.

The practice or process of Yoga are very beneficial for the maintenance of health. It helps to maintain both physical and mental health, which cannot be done by either taking pills or drinking potions. Yoga helps one overcome mental depression as well as attain equilibrium between body and soul. It increases the capacity to work and benefits the brain by increasing retention power and memory.

Yoga is known as Astanga or eight-faceted Yoga and these eight facets are Yama, Niyama, Asana, Pranayama, Pratyahara, Dharana, Dhyana, and Samadhi.

Yama: It stands for Ahimsa, benevolence to all living beings, respect and tolerance and objectivity in all feeling, doing and observing.

Satya (Truth): One must always speak and think truthfully.

Asteya (Abstaining from Stealing): One who overcomes such act is showered with precious stones.

Brahmacharya (Celibacy): It is when the mind fuses with the Parabrahma or the highest level of consciousness. Brahmacharya would include doing away with: thinking about sexual partners, singing about attractions, about ladies, meeting, interacting with other potential partners, other ladies, coitus and voyeurism, viewing entertainment with titillating content, reading books or discussing or viewing material with pornographic content, and Kriya Nispathi.

Rutu Kala: One must not indulge physically with any other than one's lawfully wedded wife or husband and that too only during Rutu Kala, the period which starts on the fourth day after menstruation and ends on the sixteenth.

Aparigraha: Although enjoyable, many things we do and are addicted to, such as some of the foods that we eat, are not good for us and must be given up.

Niyama: It encompasses the five concepts of Cleanliness, Contentment, Penance, Swadhyaya and Ishwari Pranidhana.

Santoshadanuttama Sukha Labha; to be truly happy and contented is a state of mind.

Vidhinoktera Margena Kricchra Chandra Yanadibhi:|

Sareera Soshanam Prahu Stapa Sasta Pa Uttanam||

This advocates leading an austere life.

Karyendrisiddhirasuddhi Kshaya Staasa:|

Practice the Vedas and Mantras of which the Gayatri Mantra is the root, strictly in accordance to the procedure prescribed in the Shastras.

Kamatos Kamatospi Yatkaromisubhasubhi|

Tatsarvam Twayivinyasya Twatparata Yuktaha karomyoham||

One should devote one's soul to God and dedicate one's work to Him regardless of whether one's work brings any material gains.

Samadhi Siddhirswareeswara Pranidhanath|

By practicing Yama and Niyama and the Asanas of Yoga, one is able to gain control of one's body, mind and soul, and thereby gain control over disease.

When the focus of practice is on the Antaratma, the inner spirit of the soul, it is called Hathayoga, and when this focus is on the Atma or one's own mentality, it is called Rajayoga.

To sum up, the Yoga Asanas help to condition the body, the mind and the soul so that one can overcome impervious to disease, but before Asanas may be practice, a suitable state of mental readiness must be achieved.

The practice of Yoga involves the imposition of considerable self-discipline in one's diet and in the activities one pursues. A Satvic diet is advocated for those who wish to take up Yoga as a practice. The practitioner's diet must consist of foods that are healthy and provide strength and well-being, foods of the quality comparable to those that are offered to Gods.

Yoga may be practiced at various levels, and so, it is a beneficial activity. The place for practicing Yogasanas must be clean and airy but not windy. It should not be performed in an unclean or offensive smell area and also never on the roof or in a basement.

Before the conclusion of the session, the practitioner should have work up a light sweat. At this stage, he or she should rub down the perspiration on the body itself before bathing. At the conclusion of a session of Yogasanas, the body should not be exposed to breeze for at least an hour, otherwise it will sap strength. Perspiration should be rubbed down on the body itself, before a bath in tepid or hot water. One should not be on a fast or without nourishment when practicing Yoga. Yoga practitioners should respect and obey God, their elders, the Gurus and parents.

The practice of Yoga is beneficial for all ages and genders, from the time when a child is about eight years old. Practice of Yoga is not advised for pregnant women. Regular practice of Yogasanas rejuvenates the body. It gives relief to ailments of both the body and the mind.

Asanas in Yoga and their Benefits:

The Sun Salutation (Surya Namaskara):

A proper starting point for the practice of Yoga is the Surya Namaskara or a salutation to the sun. The Sun Salutation provides happiness to the body, the mind and the senses. It is good for the heart. The regular performer will live long, be hale and hearty, with a strong and a sturdy body and keen intellect.

Kurmasana:

This exercise will reduce the formation of phlegm in the chest and throat. It is also beneficial for the heart, lungs and the cardiovascular system, besides strengthening the chest and the back.

Padmasana:

It improves the consciousness and the intellect, and brings about mental stability. On the physical level, it will reduce the fat in the thighs.

Sarvangasana:

This exercise stimulates the thyroid glands and the genitalia of both males and females. It is also useful in conditions of haemorrhoids, hernias and menstrual disorder. But it is not to be practiced by people suffering from cervical spondylitis.

Matsyasana:

It provides benefits to sufferers of bronchial asthma and Diabetes Mellitus.

Bhujangasana:

This exercise is good for developing the ligaments of the back and beneficial for the sufferers of backache. It also benefits those with cough and respiratory disease, besides ridding the body of fat or adipose tissue around the abdomen.

Dhanurasana:

This exercise is meant for the relief of stomach disorders and to improve digestion.

Shirsasana:

This exercise, which culminates in a headstand, enhances blood supply to the brain, besides providing a high level of conditioning to the body. It stimulates the thyroid and pituitary glands and is good for relieving a condition known as orchitis, as well as dysfunction connected with virility. It enhances blood flow to the brain and so benefits all brain functions. But it is not to be practiced by people suffering from high blood pressure, otitis media and eye diseases.

Shavasana:

It is good for relieving alleviated levels of blood pressure, inducing sleep and maintaining a tranquil state of mind, and creating a sense of peace.

Vajrasana:

It provides the benefits of relieving stiffness in the knees and legs and in relieving oedema.

Hansasana:

It improves digestion, relieve constipation and stimulates the pancrease, this exercise helps the wrist joints to relax and strengthens the arms.

Mayurasana:

This exercise promates abdominal secretions, relieves indigestion and digestive disorders and conditions the muscles of the abdomen.

Pavanamuktasana:

It relieve constipation and digestive complications.

Sputa Vajrasana:

This exercise brings relief to stiffness and pain in the back and the joints.

Chakrasana:

This serves to stimulate the nervous system, and also provides benefits for conditions of asthma, constipation and diabetes. But it should not to be practiced by people suffering from stomach ulcers, slipped discs and heart disease.

Swasthikasana:

This helps the lower limbs to shed fat while removing stiffness in them. It is also good for the stimulation of the circulatory system and the mind.

Bhadrasana:

It shapes the thighs and is beneficial for the bladder and the genitor-urinary system.

Simhasana:

This is an exercise for the throat, the salivary glands and for sufferers of tonsillitis.

Siddhasana:

It is a classic pose for meditation adopted by multitudes of sages over the years.

Kukkutasana:

It is helpful for those suffering from constipation and retention of urine.

Gomukhasana:

This exercise is beneficial for the spinal cord, in treatment for abdominal disease and it aids in digestion.

Facets of Yoga (Samadhi):

This is the eighth facet of Yoga, enabling the practitioner to reach a state from which salvation is possible. This is the ultimate objective of the practice of Yoga. Samadhi can take two forms:

Samprajnata Samadhi: Samadhi achieved by spurning attachments to the material world is called Savikalpa or Samprajnata Samadhi.

Asamprajnata Samadhi: It is the point of conclusion, when the mind dissociates from the material world, all the afflictions vanish along with image, sight and senses.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

Dissociative Disorders 101

In this post, I'm going to give an outline of Dissociative identity disorder (DID) and Other Specified Dissociative disorder (OSDD).

These two disorders are terribly misunderstood due to horrible representation in media, a lack of education on the topic. Many people still refer DID as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) an outdated term from when DID was classified as a personality disorder, we now know the disorder is better seen as a dissociative disorder. I hope this post will help clear up misunderstandings about these topics. 

[CW: Mentions of abuse, medical trauma, war, human tracking, suicide, self-harm, and addiction. All of these are briefly mention and not discussed in detail. Ableism is the only cw discussed in detail]

[Note: This post is not to be used as a diagnostic tool.]

DID & OSDD Glossary:

Alter: Shorthand for alternate personality or alternate identity. The most common language to refer to the multiple identities in the system. You may also see the terms "parts" & "headmates".

Alter jobs: also called “Alter types” or “Alter Roles”. This refers to the common occurrence of certain alters taking on specific roles. This often happens because to some extent DID & OSDD acts as extreme involuntary coping skills. Examples of this are protectors who deal with danger, caretakers who help keep the alters in the system comforted, or trauma holders who retain memories of trauma.

Co-Consciousness: often shortened to co-con. When two or more alter are aware of the outside together. Thoughts of both alters can often blend together. Even at times alters may have split control of the body.

Depersonalization and Derealization: Often shortened to DR/DP. DR/DP disorder is its own diagnosis but those with other dissociative disorders experience it as well. Depersonalization the feeling of oneself is not real or is heavily disconnected from the body. This can even result in one of feeling in control of limbs at all. Derealization is the feeling of the outside world not being real, or a simulation.

Fronting: The act of being the alter conscious at the time and ability to interact with the outside world.

Host: Either the person believed to be the “first” personality (sometimes called the core or original) or the latter who fronts the most.

Splitting: In this case, it refers to when new alters form.

System: A word used to reference all of the alters as a whole. Used like "I am an alter in a system" or sometimes “ I am a system”. Rather someone uses this term is a matter of personal preference, and if they see themselves as part of a system or collectively are a system.

What is Dissociation?

Dissociation refers to the mechanism our brain has to disconnect us from our surroundings sometimes as a benign reaction but severe dissociation is associated with trauma and other mental illnesses.

Every Person has the capacity for dissociation and many experiences some degree of the skill like when you drive home but don’t remember it. However daydreaming in class, spacing out every now again is healthy, there is a huge difference between those experiences and those of people with dissociative disorders.

Dissociation is primarily associated with DID but can also be a symptom of C-PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and some forms of psychosis. There are also physiological conditions that cause and/or mimic dissociation. Like seizures and migraines.

What are the symptoms of DID & OSDD?

[Disclaimer: I’m aware that the DSM is a flawed way to look at mental health, but it is the best way we have to ensure all parties are working with the same definition of terms]

DID:

DID diagnostic criteria are as follows:

1)Two distinct identity states are present. They have to be separate and able to act autonomy. It isn’t “feeling” like another person.

2)Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information and/or traumatic events

3)The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder. This criterion is common among all serious mental illness diagnoses as a diagnosis is not appropriate where the symptoms do not create distress and/or trouble functioning.

4)The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.

This DID criterion is to eliminate diagnosis in cultures or situations where multiplicity is appropriate. An example of this is in children where an imaginary friend is not necessarily indicative of mental illness.

5) The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance

So what does that mean? It means that those who have the disorder have at least one alter the hallmark of DID. Alter come in all kinds of varied types and versions. The amnesia criterion does refer to forgetting traumatic events, but also incidents in normal life.

Alters themselves are a complex they aren’t "alter egos or" made up people. Alters can be almost anything, children (younger than the body) adult alters (older than the body), alters based on fiction called Fictional introjects (fictives for short), alters who are angels or spirits, ghost alters, animal alters, alters of varying race and sexualities. This is because alters form to ensure the survival of the child, this includes alters to comfort, protect, soothe and hold trauma away from the wider consciousness. This means that anything that can fill that role can be put into an alter. There is no control over alters, they are not imaginary friends or malleable they are the best way the mind had to survive.

In day to day life DID might look like having missing time, experience dissociation even when in control, a sense of not having an identity, hearing voices within their heads (not auditory hallucinations), meeting people you feel like you should know, having actions you took but have no recollection of, overlapping emotions and trouble focusing.  

People with DID have high rates of self-harm, suicidal behaviour, addiction, disordered eating and other behaviours that cause damage to oneself. This is often even more distressing as one might hurt themselves and not remember it because an alter did it. 

Those with DID will also often have what is referred to as “Inner worlds” or “headspace” this refers to in the mind of the person there is a mental world within. This is a place where alters have a form, body and voice within the mind. It is often a combination of a coping skill used as a kid to escape and a way to be able to interact with others alters. Headspaces often are where alters feel they are when not fronting. It also provides a way of seeing where alters who are not in communication with others are, and can sometimes serve as a visual connection to understanding the others in the system and understand trauma.

Somatic symptoms are really common, Including: Headaches, nausea and vomiting, Non-epileptic seizure/psychogenic seizures, blurred vision, muscle aches, nerve dysfunction (like dysautonomia), fatigue, other feelings of illness. This is sometimes part of conversion disorder.

People with DID & OSDD almost always also have (C-)PTSD. So symptoms like hypervigilance, nightmares, and flashbacks. As they have DID & OSDD and have experienced trauma they likely have symptoms from that other than dissociation, even if they do not meet PTSD criteria.

BPD has high comorbidity with DID, many people with DID or OSDD are misdiagnosed with BPD. Other common comorbid conditions include Anxiety Disorders, Depression, Eating Disorders, and Conversion Disorder.

OSDD:

So the thing about OSDD is a category of conditions that don’t fit another diagnosis. With this post, we are mostly concerned with OSDD-1a and OSDD-1b because those disorders are most similar to DID and form systems.

The DSM Description is as follows:

This category applies to presentations in which symptoms characteristic of a dissociative disorder that cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning predominate but do not meet the full criteria for any of the disorders in the dissociative disorders diagnostic class. The other specified dissociative disorder category is used in situations in which the clinician chooses to specify the reason that the presentation does not meet the criteria for any specific dissociative disorder. This is done by recording "other specified dissociative disorder" followed by the specific reason (e.g., "dissociative trance"). Example presentations that can be specified using the "other specified" designation include the following:

1. Chronic and recurrent syndromes of mixed dissociative symptoms. This category includes identity disturbance associated with less than marked discontinuities in sense of self and agency, or alterations of identity or episodes of possession in an individual who reports no dissociative amnesia.

2. Identity disturbance due to prolonged and intense coercive persuasion: Individuals who have been subjected to intense coercive persuasion (e.g., brainwashing, thought reform, indoctrination while captive, torture, long-term political imprisonment, recruitment by sects/cults or by terror organizations) may present with prolonged changes in, or conscious questions of, their identity.

3. Acute dissociative reactions to stressful events: This category is for acute, transient conditions that typically last less than 1 month, and sometimes only a few hours or days. These conditions are characterized by constriction of consciousness; depersonalization; derealization; perceptual disturbances (e.g., time slowing, macropsia); micro-amnesias; transient stupor; and/or alterations in sensory-motor functioning (e.g., analgesia, paralysis).

4. Dissociative trance: This condition is characterized by an acute narrowing or complete loss of awareness of immediate surroundings that manifest as profound unresponsiveness or insensitivity to environmental stimuli. May be accompanied by minor stereotyped behaviours of which the individual is unaware and/or that he or she cannot control, as well as transient paralysis or loss of consciousness. The dissociative trance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted collective cultural or religious practice.

Those with OSDD-1a&b meet most but not all of DID criterion. They are considered Complex Dissociative Disorders along with DID.

OSDD-1a is either identity disturbance with less distinct alters than DID (they cannot physically take executive control over the person's body, but strongly influence the person's thoughts and actions with this type there is amnesia.

OSDD-1b does have distinct alter do exist and can take executive control with the type there is no amnesia.

How does DID or OSDD Develop?

DID & OSDD comes from long term childhood trauma. When a child is exposed to long term trauma and the identity of the child cannot properly integrate. This means your brain put up amnesic barriers to memories and perception forming the separate identity states.

DID is highly correlated with sexual abuse, physical abuse, medical trauma, living in a war zone, child trafficking,  and Ritual abuse. Another key factor in a child developing these disorder is the lack of healthy attachment (more info here) You can not develop this disorder after age 9, you can't develop it from a single trauma.

The most current theory used to understand how these disorders works are Structural Dissociation. It refers to the way our brain changes the usual structure to compensate for traumatic experiences. It also posits that a child is not born with an integrated personality, to begin with, and this what allows the extreme dissociative symptoms of DID to manifest.

(Image Source)

ANP refers to “Apparently Normal Part” (someone who takes care of daily life)

EP refers to “Emotional part” (someone who holds trauma memories, reactions, and/or sensations).

Primary SD: is found among those with PTSD. The EP holds all trauma associated things such as fight or flight, feelings, sensations, etc, and is not a fully differentiated being (such as alters are/can be in DID and OSDD-1)

Secondary SD is OSDD, complex PTSD, and BPD. OSDD-1 has the most developed EPs out of the secondary SD disorders. BPD and C-PTSD EPs are less developed than OSDD-1 and are fragments (less fragmented than fragments found in OSDD-1 and DID). Secondary SD emotional parts hold less trauma-related material than the single EP found in PTSD. While the EP in PTSD will hold all of the trauma, there may be an EP in the secondary SD category for an emotion related to the traumas, another for body memories, another for visual memories and auditory memories in some of the traumas, and so on.

Secondary SD is OSDD, PTSD, and BPD. OSDD-1 has the most developed EPs out of the secondary SD disorders. BPD and C-PTSD EPs are less developed than OSDD-1 and are fragments (less fragmented than fragments found in OSDD-1 and DID). Secondary SD emotional parts hold less trauma-related material than the single EP found in PTSD. While the EP in PTSD will hold all of the trauma, there may be an EP in the secondary SD category for an emotion related to the traumas, another for body memories, another for visual memories and auditory memories in some of the traumas, and so on.

Tertiary SD refers to DID. There are multiple ANP and multiple EP. They are more developed than the ANP and the EPs in Secondary structural dissociation (though DID parts can have the same degree of development as OSDD-1 parts and vice versa). EPs can be “small”, as in less developed and would be considered fragments, as they hold limited trauma material such as a single feeling or one or two of the senses in a few trauma memories (or just one or two of the senses in one trauma memory). EPs can also be a fully developed part, such as an ANP would be, but hold trauma material. Multiple ANPs exist and can have various jobs associated with daily life such as a school part, a work part, a caretaker part, etc.

This theory is one of the most widely accepted concepts of how alters form and best matches most people's experience. It does contradict the idea that alters are split pieces of one cohesive identity being split the old model.

Another thing to keep in mind about this theory is it shows the structure and function of the brain are altered from a young age. Brains conditioned to dissociate during stress and trauma will continue to split during stress. This means alters can continue to form in those with DID & OSDD past age 9. 

This Video explains further how this relates to alters splitting  

Treatment:

DID & OSDD can be treated and worked on so the person is no longer experiencing the adverse effects or usually lessen them. Treating DID works mostly the same way as any other trauma survivor. Most kinds of trauma therapy can be used, EMDR being the exception. Certain kinds of meditation and visualisation also prove to be not as effective.

Medication can be used to treat comorbid disorders like depression or anxiety but there are no pharmacological treatments for DID on its own.

What is unique about DID is there is the aspect of how the alters affect you. With DID & OSDD time spent with, alters is crucial. Helping alters who are struggling with trauma becomes deeply important in healing.

The two main options with alters are integration or communication.

Integration refers to a process of when two identity states fuse together. This means you have less altered consciousness states, it also relates to them both being able to handle their trauma. The goal here is to end up with the patient having a singular integrated identity.

The other treatment focuses on forming functional working relationships with the altar and helping them process trauma individually, integration might still happen but a singular identity is not the end goal.

Mythbusting:

“People with DID are just psychotic or delusional” False, psychosis is not a feature of DID or OSDD and has been shown to act completely differently for the person and in the brain than psychosis. This is also offensive as it denigrates people with psychosis.

“DID is fake/made up by a therapist/ social contagion/the person only believes they have alters” False: DID has been observed in multiple studies and social contagion, malingering and therapist coercion are no longer prime theories. People saying this often bring up the false memory scare and Sybil. Both of those have been proven to be wildly overstated and are not the only evidence we have. There are cases dating back to the 1500s with the first psychiatric observations in the 1800s.

“Aren’t they dangerous?” or “they're so scary and crazy!” or “Don’t they need to be locked up” False, The real facts are people with dissociative disorders don’t commit violence at a higher rate than anyone else. They are much more likely to be the victims of violence. Starting with the fact they faced violence as a child to even have the disorder.

“Isn't that possession?” or any other spiritual concepts. False, There is nothing supernatural reasons for DID. Some people have spiritual or religious beliefs that change how they personally perceive their condition, but there is nothing supernatural about DID or OSDD.

“It’s super rare” Not actually the estimate for DID is about 1% of the population. Might sound small but with the number of people in the US alone who have, it means you're likely to meet someone with it.

“I would know if you had it” Not likely. Most people with DID present with covert DID. These people do not have alters who act wildly different from the host. Generally alters will attempt to not show obvious signs as well as being n  the same mind with similar physiological aspects and upbringing influence things like mannerisms.  Only 5-6% of people with DID have an overt presentation. Even these people are unlikely to be able to wildly change the way they dress and the like as it’s impractical.

“Bad alters/evil alters/violent alters/murder alters” False. There are often alters who might feel aggressive or be persecutors who hurt the other alters. But they are not going to commit murder or rape. They are usually more dangerous to the person with the disorder than anyone outside. And this anger usually stems from trauma.

“You can’t have the disorder you wouldn’t know” and other variations on “Crazy people don't know their cray”. False usually people with DID reach out to help themselves they don’t get forced into it. Because the symptoms of DID disrupt life and the usual comorbid PTSD or other mental health conditions. People with DID are also often aware to some extent of their alters. Rather this is voices, time gaps, or passive influence. And people who have known about the disorder and are in treatment often have good communication between alters in the mind, they are definitely aware of their health.

I Hope this is helpful for those with and without the disorder to better understand these conditions. My personal experience with DID does mean I’m particularly passionate about education on this topic even more as it intersects with education about trauma in general. I hope this didn’t come off as adversarial and helps people learn. 

-Admin 1

{Resources: Structural Dissociation Explained, OSDD Diagnostic Material,  The Fantasy Theory of DID, New Models of DID, DID Literature Review, DID Research.org, DSM Library, Webermann, A. R. & Brand, B. L. (2017). Mental illness and violent behaviour: The role of dissociation. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation}

[nekoaihime]

Sealed with a Kiss?

Series: Fairy Tail Setting: AU!Verse Pairing: NaLu Genre: Romance, Fantasy Summary: Unsealing a Demon from its prison was hardly a thing she planned for, but what was she to do when said Demon would not leave her alone?! A/N: When Edens Zero hasn’t given enough to write a good thing yet, I fall back on my favourite pairing.............with random ideas. :D I’m too tired and lazy to vet through this properly....................                                                                   [ Read on AO3 ] 

There was nothing vaguely familiar about her surroundings ( besides green, green and more green ), though the woman could hardly fault anyone but herself. She was supposed to be holed up ‘safely’ in her ‘house’, yet she found herself wandering in the midst of a forest despite clear instructions to remain indoors. What was a young woman to do, trapped within four walls with absolutely nothing? It was a house, but it lacked the intimacy and warmth a home should have. Whilst she was reluctantly used to dissociation, it had been weeks, and the world beckoned and screamed her name. Exploration was a must for a new city, even a new town, but in a rural area like such where televisions were a rare thing? An adventure was the only thing that promised diverting experience.  Thus she had sneaked out of her prison, with a carefully packed bag in preparation, and her cell phone ( though it had no reception, it could function as a light if her flashlight failed her ). What could go wrong? She was careful, and she knew where she wanted to scout. There was a waterfall near a series of caves, a beautiful sight surely to inspire better writing. A few pictures would do no harm either. A picturesque location, would that not be a great place to relax? If she was to keep out of sight; trekking through the woods seemed like a far better alternative to the concrete cell they called a house in the middle of a quiet town. 

Except, she was supposed to trek and wander, not slip, fall and become exceedingly lost as her paper map fluttered away into the depths of the woods. Her ankle, twisted, throbbed obnoxiously as she trudged, filthy outwear tied lazily onto the straps of her bag. The tank top was a far better choice for meandering through the thicket, she reasoned, though sulky that her jacket was now sullied with mud. Her shorts revealed the worst of her plunge; bloodied and bruised skin peeking through fabric.  But she would not last long, not with her injuries, not with her ribs still healing from the trauma before. The trauma that sent her to this forsaken place. She ought to be grateful that she still lived, but still she desired her own life back. It was taking far too long, just as it was taking her far too long to make her way somewhere safe. There were no wild beasts, as far as she could recall, but night would fall soon, and she had no wish of camping outdoors with nothing for the chill that was sure to set. A jacket would do little while she remained exposed under the wide sky. If she could not find her way out, she would have to find some shelter, at the very least.  She attempted to still her anxious heart, attempted to pay heed to her surroundings like she had researched. If she found the water source, she would find the caves -- that would have to do for the night. She needed to refill her bottle too, and hoped fervently that the water was not contaminated. Nothing like a stomachache to ruin the impromptu camping trip. She groused, but ultimately, the blame was upon her. She made her choices, now she had to live with them, all of them. Nonetheless, be it by a stroke of pure luck, or simply the newfound survival skills she recently developed, booted feet finally came across a stream. Upon her knees she went, finishing up the rest of the bottled water she brought before she splashed the refreshing coolness upon weary face, and slowly begun the arduous process of cleansing what wounds she could find. After filling up her bottle, she would have to go against the flow of the stream to find the caves by the waterfall. And she needed to hurry.  Her mobile phone still had no reception, but the time ticked by and she noted with chagrin that sunset was but a mere hour away. There was little time to lose. Thus she hobbled along with haste, sparing little breaks for her swelling ankle. Pain was one thing, but she had far more to lose if she stayed in the wilderness. The food in her bag would last her the night and more, her jacket would make a passable blanket.... If she could survive that, she could survive the night.  She barely made it. There was no time to admire the waterfall in the dimming light, though she spared the rejuvenating cascades a glance of appreciation and a quick snap of camera. She would have the time to do properly so tomorrow, for now, she needed to pick a suitable cave before her world was plunged into darkness. She had no ability nor tools to start a fire, though knowledge told her that sticks were sufficient. Light and warmth would escape her tonight unless her choice cave contained twigs of salvation. Carefully she peered; a feeble attempt to select one -- but she had no clues.  She allowed Fate to make the choice, and that, perhaps, was the biggest mistake she made.  Eyes squeezed shut, she summoned her intense desire for warmth and safety, imaging it into an arrow and assigning it the task of selection. It was not the mental arrow that guided her, however, but a sensation of what she craved emitting from the distance. It was illogical, how one could sense such a thing, absolutely ridiculous -- but since luck had a way of dancing to her, Lucky Lucy made her way to that particular cave.  It was not much; the entrance smaller than she thought it would be -- she barely managed to squeeze in, but one ought not to judge a book by its cover. Though the access was constraining, the interior of the cave proved to be ample. Enough space for her to sleep, and a small opening to restrict the entry of wind. It would have to do.  Burdensome bag struck the ground with a thump, flashlight obligating with its duty. There were no bones in sight, which was a good sign, it was no creature’s cave, and she would not wake to the terrifying agony of being eaten. Taking a deep breath just to be certain, she noted no lingering whiff of death or meat. She spied a connection of sorts further back, and with mobile phone in hand, elected to explore before she settled down for the night. She wanted to take a look at the swelling ankle, and was sure that she would have zero desire to move after boots were removed. In addition, there seemed to be warmness wafting from further back. If there was a source of warmth, that may be of use. Better to be warmer, after all. She strode, keeping to the stone walls as she made her way deeper, marveling at the capacity. The further she walked, the more she regretted not bringing her bag along. Her indignant stomach growled its displeasure, echoing into the depths of darkness. Groaning, she gritted her teeth, determined to see this through. Already feeling far warmer than she did at the mouth of the cave, curiosity kept her going.  It felt like forever, though her phone inclined to inform her otherwise, yet eventually, she arrived the innermost cavern; the warmest she had felt so far -- nonetheless she found no potential source for the heat, there was naught more than a strange red lizard pinned under a rock. Flashlight found the creature, light bouncing off the scales as tongue flicked. With such visual confirmation, there was no way she could allow it to remain trapped -- she was no cruel human. Like her, the lizard would survive the night, and more.  Thus she edged forward, muttering under her breath in an attempt to comfort herself. It was just a lizard. “Just a lizard.” It was not going to do anything to her. “Don’t jump on me, lizard. That’d be disgusting.” She was no fan of lizards, and who knew what diseases it may have! After all, it barely looked like any lizard she had ever seen before. Not that she studied lizards. “Don’t touch me, don’t touch me.” A devout chant she begun as she wedged the torchlight between face and shoulder, preferring to lift the rock with both hands. A devout chant she continued as she struggled with the rock, wondering why it was warm to the touch, and strangely enough, seemed to resonate. “I must be going insane, talking to a lizard and thinking that a rock is ‘resonating’. Maybe the stream’s water wasn’t so good after all....”  She could blame the water for all she wanted, but nothing could quite prepare her for the yell that followed as the lizard darted free and the rock fell to the ground, suddenly far lighter than it had been when she gripped it and freed the animal from what would have been its tombstone in a few days.                                             “I’M NOT A DAMN LIZARD!”  Its howl reverberated through the cavern, though in a different situation lips may curve with amusement at the high-pitched tone. Physically, it seemingly bore no damage from the immobilization of the load recently lifted. Instead upon claws did it rise and hiss, carving deep gouges into the solid stone, huffing a breath of dark flames that singed the edge of her already tattered shorts. She scrambled back with a screech, distressed vox resounding sharply. Despite the throe of pain pounding through her ankle, she wasted no time in patting out the glowing ember and putting as much distance as she could between herself and the demonic lizard. No animal could talk, and certainly no animal could spit fire! A DEMON ! It had to be a demon! She was going to be eaten by a demon because she disobey instructions to stay within her cell.  HOW WAS THIS LUCK?  And here she thought she was lucky to have survived that, and that she would survive the night lost in the woods. She choked on babbled words, a desperate plea for her life, “Please don’t eat me. I swear I probably won’t taste good, I’ve been eating terribly these past few days!” Yet in her unexplained fear, she made eye contact, despite every bone within her willing her not to; and as oculars met and darkness consumed what vision she had, Lucy Heartfilia came to regret her decision to leave the safe house.

                                                              It had to be the water.

IT WAS NOT. It took her a few minutes to properly rouse and consider her current situation, though she had no idea how long she was out cold for; but there was no mistaking the solid ground she laid upon, nor the swell upon head that was sure to grow. The reason was unclear, but somehow, somehow she had managed to lose consciousness upon the sight of the talking lizard; originally assumed ( or so she had desperately hoped ) to be but a hallucination, a result of water unsuitable for quenching thirst. Yet as she stared down at what was the aforementioned lizard, now nestled by her side, looking larger than before, and shockingly producing sufficient heat to keep her warm in the midst of the empty cave.....she was now convinced that she had either left the realm of the living and now resided in some strange form of hell -- or that demons definitely existed.  After all, what else would explain those sentient crimson eyes staring up at her and how tongue flicked across scrapped skin, or how its jaws parted and uttered words she would never imagine from a lizard?                                            “You’re pretty weak, aren’t you?” Feet crept up her form, though she was thankful to note the lack of deadly claws ripping skin apart ( especially when they so easily carved the solid rock ground ), still her writer brain churned terrifying possibilities that failed to fade; especially not when it inched up her side and stood upon chest to stare her in the eye. Be it the weight of the lizard, or fear that suppressed her voice; Lucy could only gawk helplessly as forked tongue flicked across her lips.  Despite the expected urge to hurl at the mere thought of a lizard in contact with her lips as though it was a kiss, her first kiss was not with a lizard!!! She refused to accept that as a fact! So Lucy attempted to grip the lizard and fling it as far away from her as she could, but once more, the emphasis remained on attempted. Her feeble attempt brought her no luck as the creature grew, not only in size, but also in weight. Scaly arms doubled in size, and doubled once more, a continuous growth as she stared in utter disbelief -- breath lost to both its rapidly increasing weight and shock.  Lizards. Do. Not. Grow. To. Such. Sizes. Especially not when its length extended beyond her height. But the true shocker came as scales fell off its form; each and every piece of the layer bursting into tiny flames that neither burned or hurt her in anyway, instead coming to envelope and surround her with what she deemed as a familiar warmth. Distracted and confused, she glanced at the fire dancing around her and once more, attempted to make sense of the situation -- but this day was only the beginning of her future with little sense, logic, and choices. Lucy Heartfilia has taken the step into the unknown, jumping out of the frying pan -- straight into the fire. For as she looked up from the embers that night, it was no lizard she came face to face with,                                                                but a man. This time, she promptly dealt him a solid right hook.

[auctes]

as someone who believes toko best trigger happy havoc character, i HATE IT when people say "syo has no depth!!!" and "toko's an annoying joke!!! wowzurs!!!", AS AN AMAZING FUKAWA/SYO FAN, CAN YOU HELP ME CONSTRUCT COMPELLING ARGUMENTS ON THE COMPLEXITY OF BOTH?

hi ,   anon  !

it  can  be  frustrating  when  people  reduce  our  faves ,   but  the  first  thing  i’d  like  to  say  is  :   they’re  kind  of  right  about  touko  being  a  joke .   touko’s  fragile  mental  health  is  usually  played  for  laughs ,   and  reduced  to  a  punchline .   the  localization  calls  her  a   “  schizo ,  ”   and  her  maladaptive  daydreams  are  framed  as  something  psychotic  rather  than  for  what  they  are  :  a  coping  mechanism  that  her  brain  has  developed  to  help  her  endure  a  high - stress  situation .

i  love  when  people  ask  these  things ,   because  the  more  we  talk  about  that ,   the  more  we  can  start  to  break  down  touko’s  character .

i  would  also  like  to  state  that  this  is  a  dissociative  identity  disorder   [ DID ]   conversation .   i  do  not  have  DID ,   and  i  am  not  a  psychologist .   i  will  answer  this  to  the  best  of  my  ability  based  on  personal  research  and  an ardent  love  for  the  character ,    but  welcome  corrections  if  necessary .

let’s  talk  about  syo .

syo  has  depth .   she  is  an  extension  of  touko ,   who  is ,   herself ,   a  deeply  introspective  person .   while  syo  is  played  for  comic  relief ,   it’s  important  to  understand  where  she  comes  from  :   trauma .   childhood  trauma  that  touko ,   as  a  very  small  child ,   could  not  cope  with .   due  to  the  intense  physical ,   emotional ,    and  psychological  abuse  to  which  she  was  subject ,   touko’s  mind  created  syo ,   who  fronts  during  times  of  duress  and  guards  those  memories  that  touko  cannot  endure ,   as  a  means  of  ensuring  touko’s  survival  and  base  function .   syo  and  touko  do  identify  as  separate  entities ,   with  a  few  key  points  to  consider  :

1 .   DID  alters  can  be  ...   anyone .   anything .   have  their  own  ages ,   genders ,   sexual  identities ,   ethnicity ,   personal  histories ,   and  memories .   syo  identifies  as  the  name  the  media  give  her ,   but  identifies  with  touko’s  body ,   and  accepts  this  as  her  appearance .   a  lot  of  alters  look  physically  different  to  how  the  body  of  the  core  personality  looks .   that’s  always  been  very  interesting  to  me .

2 .   touko  acknowledges  syo  as  part  of  herself .   both  touko  and  syo  bounce  back  and  forth  when  referring  to  themselves  :  between  singular   (  i  )   and  collective   (  we  ) .   syo ,   to  herself ,   looks  like  touko .   she  looks  in  the  mirror  and  goes ,   “ i  look  like  this . ”   touko ,   especially  in  her  later  appearances  throughout  the  series ,   feels  a  sense  of  belonging  to  syo ,   and  acknowledges  that  she  is  a  part  of  touko .  

3 .   they  “  share  emotions , ”   meaning  that  there  is  some  sort  of  co - conscious  link  between  them  that  doesn’t  go  away  completely  during  a  switch .   when  touko  hurts ,   syo  hurts.   when  touko  is  in  love ,   so  is  syo .   while  syo  may  not  be  able  to understand  and  interpret  complex  emotions  to  the  capacity  at  which  touko  does ,   she  absolutely  still  feels  them .   this  is  what  enables  syo  to  act  upon  them  :   as  a  persecution  alter ,   and  later  a  protector  alter ,   syo  knows  when  she  is  fronting  that  touko  is  scared ,   or  stressed ,   or  in  danger .   these  are  the  cues  upon  which  she  justifies  her  murders ,   but  also  those  upon  which  she  is  able  to  fall  in  love  and  build  friendships .

which  leads  me  into  my  next  point  on  syo  :   everything  shed  does  is  with  the  health  and  prosperity  of  touko  in  mind .   DID ,   as  a  trauma - based  disorder ,   is  a  neurological  mechanism  in  place  to  protect  the  integrity  of  the  individual .   alters  fulfill  a  purpose  :   they  perform  roles  that  the  core  personality  physically  cannot .   syo  is  absolutely  no  different .

when  touko  decides  to  actively  end  syo’s  murderous  tendencies ,   syo  complies .   she  knows  that  touko  is  suffering  maltreatment  at  future  foundation  on  the  basis  of  her  being  labeled   “  unstable  and  dangerous ,  ”   and  so ,   syo  abstains  from  killing  so  as  not  to  jeopardize  touko’s  wish  to  eventually  join  the  foundation .   while  she  still  responds  aggressively  to  threats ,   the  only  time  she  seriously  contemplates  killing  is  during  another  episode .

you  can  watch  it  here .

this  scene  is  so  loaded  with  depth .   firstly ,   we  see  a  clear  co - conscious  link  between  syo  and  touko .   syo  volunteers  control  of  the  body  back  to  touko  when  touko  is  ready  :   even  then ,   touko  is  able  to  recall  the  moments  immediately  before  the  switch ,   when  komaru  makes  an  emotional  appeal  to  syo .

here ,   we  also  see  a  reflective ,   emotive  side  of  her .   we  see  her  pause ,   despite  whole - heartedly  believing  that  she  is  going  to  kill  komaeda .   it  is  apparent  to  syo  what  is  important  to  her  :   byakuya ,   and  komaru .   these  things  are  important  to  touko ,   and  therefore ,   important  to  syo .   she  has  never  been  treated  as  normal  :   she  has  never  really  been  considered  by  anyone  to  be  a  part  of  the  system ,   as  opposed  to  a   “  deviant  who  kills  for  pleasure .  ”   and  she  thanks  komaru  for  talking  her  down .   in  saying ,    “ i  betrayed  you ,  ”   syo  is  feeling  remorse .   it’s  touko’s  remorse ,   because  it  was  touko  who  made  the  deal  with  komaeda  to  exchange  komaru  for  byakuya .

but ,   in  the  end ,   it  was  syo  who  threw  the  fight  in  order  to  spare  komaru’s  life ,   because  she  cannot  bring  herself  to  hurt  a  person  for  whom  she  and  touko  feel  so  warmly .

i’d  also  like  to  turn  your  attention  to  danganronpa  3  :   future  arc  episode  six ,   in  which  we  can  further  witness  syo  and  touko’s  co - consciousness ,   and  syo  ultimately  choosing  to  pursue  what  feels  safe  and  warm  and  inviting  rather  than  exacting  vengeance .   komaru  talks  her  out  of  killing  monaka  :   out  of  quite  probably  letting  herself  die  in  the  process .   komaru  knows  instinctively  that  syo  has  emotions  :   love .   protectiveness .   bravery .   syo  loves  byakuya  and  komaru  more ,   and  feels  a  desire  to  protect  them ,   more  than  everyone  assumes  her  to  simply  love  violence  for  violence’s  sake .   if  something  won’t  serve  the  purpose  of  protecting  touko  and  what  is  important  to  her ,   she  isn’t  going  to  do  it .

now ,   let’s  think  about  touko .

my  blog  is  full  of  essays  upon  essays  regarding  touko ,   but  i  believe  she  can  be  best  summarized  by  the  phrase ,   the  heart  wants  what  it  wants .   a  truly  emotional ,   giving ,   and  romantic  woman ,   she  actively  hides  herself  underneath  a  repelling  armor  of  grossly  exacerbated  flaws  in  order  to  protect  her  heart  from  being  harmed .

touko  has  suffered  in  the  past  from  consistent  dehumanization ,   belittlement ,   and  abuse .   her  parents  expressed  that  they  would  have  preferred  her  dead ,   and  so  they  abused  her  at  home .   her  classmates  thought  she  was  weird ,   and  so  they  bullied  her  exorbitantly .   whenever  touko  would  actively  reach  out  to  others  to  pursue  friendships  or  romantic  relationships ,   she  would  be  betrayed  by  others ,   and  made  to  suffer  for  it .

to  help  you  understand  the  breadth  of  the  psychological  impact  that  nearly  two  decades  of  being  treated  as  less  than  human  has  had  on  touko ,   here  is  a  link  to  a  short  thing  i  wrote  on  her  ablutophobia ,   or  fear  of  bathing .   it’s  a  very  quick  overview  of  her  self  image  issues ,   and  self  preservation  tendencies .

next ,   why  don’t  we  consider  how  fully  and  completely  touko  fukawa  loves  ?   as  a  romance  novelist ,   we  expect  her  to  harbor  a  highly  idealized ,   grossly  saturated  perception  of  romantic  love .   instead ,   we  get  a  woman  who  writes  romance  purely  because  she  believes  in  channeling  the ugly  tragedies  of  her  situation  into  something  of  beauty .   here  are  my  style  notes  of  touko  fukawa’s  literary  works ,   but  we  learn  from  her  that  she  :

1 .   prefers  to  write  stories  that  are  grounded  in  reality .

2 .   enjoys  magic  realism ,   aggrandized  settings ,   but  innately  human  characters .

3 .   prefers  romantic  tragedies  to  happy  endings .    (  komaru  remarks  upon  how  sad  so  lingers  was .  )

furthermore ,   touko  states  that  while  the  power  of  delusion  and  its  subsequent  escapism  is  a  powerful  coping  tool ,   she  understands  the  harsh  line  between  fiction  and  reality .   she  understands  that  no  love  story  on  the  page  can  resemble  how  true  love  feels ,   but  her  work  is  so  intricately  entwined  with  emotion  that  she  scaffolds  her  novels  with  universal  emotional  appeal .   fictional  romance ,   then ,   does  not  satisfy  the  resilience  of  her  own  heart .   she  is  as  cynical  as  she  is  whimsical  :   a  true  hopeless  romantic  who  believes  herself  undeserving  of  loving ,   and  being  loved .   she  pours  her  heart  and  soul  onto  a  page ,   so  that  others  may  feel  to  even  a  small  margin  of  the  scope  of  her  feelings .

touko  has  a  very  resilient  heart .   despite  the  horrible  things  that  togami  did  to  her ,   and  the  abysmal  way  that  future  foundation  treated  her ,   touko  is  able  to  protect  the  last  shred  of  love  within  her  being  and  use  it  as  fuel  to  improve  herself  as  a  person .   please  remember  that  all  personal  tragedies  are  learning  experiences  of  touko  :   the  pain  she  felt  as  a  child  became  a  rich  and  lucrative  imagination .   the  trauma  she  undergoes  as  an  adult  is  the  catalyst  to  her  finally  turning  against  her  self  loathing ,   and  building  herself  from  the  ground  up .

what  do  i  mean  by  that  ?   well  ...   touko  fukawa  is  a  badass .   komaru  naegi  remarks  constantly  upon  fukawa’s  strength  ;   that  she  can’t  imagine  a   “  weak  touko .  ”   touko  loathes  herself  ;   her  fears ,   her  weakness .   loathes  that  she  can’t  function  as  a  normal  human  being  who  holds  meaningful  friendships  without  being  suspicious  of  them  ;   loathes  that  she  can’t  look  after  herself ,   exact  self  care ,   without  knocking  back  a  cocktail  of  conglomerate  anxiety .   loathes  that  she  was  weak ,   and  cowardly ,   and  it  almost  got  her  killed  when  she  has  learned  the  value  of  being  alive .

touko  vocally  objects  to  people  walking  all  over  her .   she  wants  to  be  vilified  ;  she  wants  to  be  autonomous ,   and  respected  as  a  woman ,   an  artist ,   and  a  person  within  her  own  right .   touko  exits  her  killing  game ,   and  the  next  time  we  see  her  in  ultra  despair  girls ,   she  is  the  furthest  cry  from  the  woman  we  previously  knew .   why  ?   because  touko  put  her  foot  down ,   and  went ,    “  i  need  to  change .  ”    touko  decides  to  do  away  with  her  cowardice ,   to  fight  for  acknowledgement ,   and  to  reclaim  her  own  life  when  she  has  been  so  deprived  for  so  long  of  basic  human  kindness .

touko  systematically  exposes  herself  to  blood  to  combat  her  hemophobia .   touko  credits  other  people  for  their  strength  and  uses  it  as  inspiration  to  keep  going .   touko  puts  a  stun  gun  to  her  head  and  endures  fucking  electrocution  so  that  she  can  control  her  switches  and  bequeath  her  body  to  syo  when  she  needs  to  physically  protect  other  people .   touko  mother  fucking  fukawa  admits  that  she  is  scared ,   but  picks  her  broken  body  up  of  the  ground  and  stays  standing  so  that  she  can  do  what  is  right .

touko  has  an  incredibly  strong  sense  of  right  and  wrong  that  was  cauterised  by  her  participation  in  the  killing .   in  this  scene ,   we  see  touko  voluntarily  get  the  shit  kicked  out  of  her  so  that  she  may  save  thousands  of  innocent  lives .   she  calls  haiji  towa  a  coward  for  hiding  underground  and  not  fighting  back  against  the  warriors  of  hope  as  they  terrorize  towa  city .   she  does  these  things  simply  because  it  is  the  right  thing  to  do  :   because  if  no  one  is  going  to  stand  up  and  fight  for  the  people  who  cannot  fight  for  themselves ,   then  by  god ,   touko  is  going  to  do  it .

and ,   finally   ...   the  heart  wants  what  it  wants ,   and  touko  wants  to  offer  her  heart  to  others .    “  i’ll  definitely  protect  both   ...   even  if  it  costs  me  my  life  .  ”    actual  quote  out  of  the  mouth  of  touko  fukawa .   touko  loves .   touko’s  heart  leads  her  into  danger  with  the  full  conscience  of  her  inevitable  death ,   but  she  follows  it  to  protect  the  lives  of  those  closest  to  her .   we  see  her ,   over  the  course  of  ultra  despair  girls ,   as  she  gradually  opens  up  to  the  first  person  who  has  ever  called  touko  a  friend  :   to  have  treated  touko  with  an  ounce  of  humanity  and  kindness ,   and  to  have  assured  her  unconditionally  that  touko  was  not  alone .

pain ,   to  touko ,   is  transient .   physical  pain ,   that  is .   she’d  allow  a  person  to  beat  her  to  a  pulp ,   even  kill  her ,   if  it  meant  she  would  saves  the  lives  of  those  who  matter  to  her .   byakuya  and  komaru  make  her  a  stronger  person  :   love  makes  touko  fukawa  strong .   love  makes  her  stand  against  impossible  odds ,   and  tell  those  odds  to  go  fuck  themselves .   touko  listens  to  her  heart  :   to  what  her  emotions  are  telling  her ,   and  for  that ,   her  loyalty  is  stalwart .

i  hope  this  helped  you .   i  hope  you  have  enough  in  your  arsenal  to  speak  up  for  our  girl ,   and  to  remind  everyone  of  the  strong - ass  motherfucking  hero  she  is .   if  you  have  any  further  questions ,   i  am  always  up  for  talking  about  my  daughter ,   and  how  phenomenally  important  she  is  to  me .   i  don’t  think  this  post  really  scratches  the  surface .

in  conclusion ,