#feels weird but Im going by the book here
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i was finally home. to stay ── .✦
AUTHOR'S NOTE : i'm obsessed and that's okay. REASONING : i got bored nd had cooked up some ponyboy headcanons so jst decided to make all of them some. ^^ <3 WARNINGS : none of these are probably accurate i dunno man it's late?? like,, really late and i have school tomorrow i'm sorry. :( </3 ( no actual warnings that i could think of !! )
RANDOM OUTSIDERS HEADCANONS !!
゜✦゜₊⁺ ✦゜₊⁺ ✦゜₊⁺ ゜゜✦゜₊⁺ ✦゜₊⁺ ✦゜₊⁺ ゜゜✦゜₊⁺ ✦゜₊⁺ ✦゜₊⁺ ゜゜✦゜₊⁺
𝐏 𝐎 𝐍 𝐘 𝐁 𝐎 𝐘
|| 𝐂 𝐔 𝐑 𝐓 𝐈 𝐒
— Ponyboy wouldn't like puddles. I feel like he just doesn't like rain in general, so he can stay in and read, but I feel like if he had to go out, he would hate stepping in puddles or passing through them. ( iykyk and i'm crying lmao )
— PONYBOY CAN DRAW AND I FEEL LIKE WE ALL FORGET THAT SO, i feel like you could find him drawing what he imagines book characters to look like, or objects in the books??
— Ponyboy is a perfectionist but only on some things.
— OML Soda has totally walked into their room to find Ponyboy c r y i n g on his bed, and after Pony calms down, Soda asked what he was crying about only to find out it was about a book.
"are you kidding me pony" "i'm sORRY"
— has a weird addiction to horror movies despite hating them and they give him nightmares i cant. they're his guilty pleasure because darry always says the cause of his nightmares were the horror movies he watched.
𝐒 𝐎 𝐃 𝐀 𝐏 𝐎 𝐏
|| 𝐂 𝐔 𝐑 𝐓 𝐈 𝐒
— Sodapop actually isn't that bad at spelling, he just forgets a letter here and there. Like, he'll misspell 'missing' as 'mising', but the next time he writes 'missing' he'll spell it right. his mind is just too distracted and i feel that.
— SODA HAS TOTALLY TRIPPED IN FRONT OF A GIRL AND TRIED TO PLAY IT OFF SO CHILL.
"meant to do that" coughs
— Soda 100% tries his best to help Darry with the bills and such, hating to see his older brother weighed down with all the stress. Never thinks he could do what Darry does nd admires him lots.
— actually kinda enjoys being on the side of watching his friends mess around like?? Sodapop loves knowing that his friends all get along nd -- agjshshshjgshshs
— he supports it fully if/when the steve is the one attracting the girls one day, never the jealous one.
— LEGIT THE BEST WINGMAN.
"hey, what's up?"
(probably evie or smth) "oh, hey." her friends around her giggling at sodapop because he's cute. <3
"so, you see that guy over there?" gestures wildly over at steve. "yeah he kinda needs someone to dance with." casually leans against the wall like he's flirting with her as he winks subtly.
𝐃 𝐀 𝐑 𝐑 𝐘
|| 𝐂 𝐔 𝐑 𝐓 𝐈 𝐒
— Darry would totally be one of those people who seem like they instantly know how to do everything but I feel when he used to have free time he'd jst randomly learn random things.
"darry you know how to juggle??"
"yes."
"darry you know how to cartwheel?"
"yes."
"darry you know how to read??"
"pony --"
— hates supernatural things, ghosts actually scare the shit out of him im not kidding.
— but when he watches horror movies he's just sitting there blankly while pony is trying to not scream at his side. and when they walk out and ponyboy's jst all shaking nd stuff darry's just like: "broski you okay?"
— loves organization for no reason, it doesn't help him have a clear mind or anything he just . . . goes into pony and soda's room . . . . . and organizes,,,
𝐓 𝐖 𝐎 - 𝐁 𝐈 𝐓
|| 𝐌 𝐀 𝐓 𝐓 𝐇 𝐄 𝐖 𝐒
— Two-Bit ( doesn't get enough love ) probably had a childhood crush on Minnie Mouse.
tries not to admit it or is boldly proud of it. depends on who he's talking to.
— Two-Bit doesn't cry over real life things, but he would totally sob over a Mickey Mouse episode or something.
— Legit the smartest ever but doesn't attempt at school and this is why he was held back.
— TOTALLY USED TO HAVE A STUTTER WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.
— you could NOT understand this boy it was that bad.
until his mom made him start reading to her aloud and it got better. 👍
— actually has once almost passed out from wheezing laughing too hard.
— drama queen and we love him.
𝐉 𝐎 𝐇 𝐍 𝐍 𝐘
|| 𝐂 𝐀 𝐃 𝐄
— Rip Johnny Cade, you would've loved child protective services.
— Johnny probably has tried his hand at creative writing nd he totally enjoyed it. Hates writing essays nd shit though.
— PLS PONYBOY WHEN HE HEARD JOHNNY WRITES A BIT FORCED HIM TO SHARE SO NOW THE TWO HAVE TIMES WHERE THEY BOTH SHARE RECENT WRITINGS AJGHHSJ ponyboy fr johnny's hype man because he knows how hard writers are on themselves (most of the time) </3
"i wrote this one yesterday idk man i don't like it"
"what the fuck johnny this is amazing??"
— johnny has and forever will create characters based on people from the gang. just someone from the gang casually inspired a part of the character. he didn't use to be so subtle about it though.
scribbled down character sheet with jst the basics - 'james thomas: funny guy and the only thing that comes out of his mouth are jokes'
"johnny is this two-bit"
"no."
— leGIT, he once saw someone at school doing a sick secret handshake and convinced ponyboy to make one up with him.
— he probably once didn't like dallas because ponyboy admitted randomly how he didn't like dally and johnny just kinda went with that.
𝐃 𝐀 𝐋 𝐋 𝐀 𝐒
|| 𝐖 𝐈 𝐍 𝐒 𝐓 𝐎 𝐍
— Dallas Winston cries at seeing spiders and you cannot change my mind with this. When he's around someone though he tries to play it off so cool though.
— he gets cuddly when he's drunk and johnny is most normally the prime target for hugs.
— says he hates kids but also hates seeing kids cry and will probably try and do something to make them feel better so they'll just stop crying.
— used to have a lisp on the word 'world'.
— genuinely loves any affection but is not willing to give it himself.
𝐒 𝐓 𝐄 𝐕 𝐄
|| 𝐑 𝐀 𝐍 𝐃 𝐋 𝐄
— Steve,,, i feel like he doesn't actually enjoy Mickey Mouse, he just watches it when it's on because it's something to watch and he knows if he admits it, Two-Bit would hit him and then cry.
— literally can sing the greatest ever but you never catch him doing it. not even soda knows so you know it's secret.
— cannot focus at work when it's just soda and him, all giggling and messing around until a customer walks in and bro just shuts up as quickly as he can without making himself laugh again.
— steve totally used to legit bully the fuck out of ponyboy when pony was like, five. he's toned it down. it's not that physical anymore.
— steve, and i cannot stress this enough, is such a fucking simp i cant.
— the best best friend. i feel like he'd try and act all 'tuff' and stuff, 'forget' what soda or one of the curtis gang mentioned wanting before getting that exact thing for them on a gift-giving holiday. he saved up so he could get them that. :(
#free for all and we love it#accurate or no?#ponyboy curtis#darry curtis#darrel curtis#s.e. hinton#dallas winston#dally winston#johnny cade#johnnycake#sodapop curtis#pepsi-cola#outsiders headcanons#the outsiders#steve randle#two-bit matthews#keith matthews#made up#if you look down here#for the first one#horses don't like puddles if i remember correctly#their eyes can't sense the depth or smth so they're hesitant to go through them#so#ponyboy#jst think about that for a sec. :D#i'm hilarious guys i promise#i used too many curse words in this my man !!#i say man to much now thank you dallas#headcanons#fanfics
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#lord of the rings#lotr#river polls#the silliness continues#middle-earth is apparantly the correct spelling#feels weird but Im going by the book here#lol by the book#puns
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born to write fanfiction forced to go to pilates
#WHAT IS HAPPENING. HOW DID I GET HERE#THIS IS NOT MY SCENE I SHOULD NOT BE HERE OR WHATEVER THE WOMBATS SAID#no hate to pilates itself im acc very pumped for it but the entire setting of a gym TERRIFIES me#but the uni is running a bunch of shit for women’s month and one of the events is this where they’ve booked the gym#and for 3 hours for free you can just go to different sessions#and me and my mate saw ‘free’ and didn’t look back like one thing I love about us is We Will Just Try Shit#and now im here in athleisure kit. no cargos in sight#I actually can’t remember the last time my outfit was so streamlined I feel naked rn#only plus is I’ve somehow got a decent fit like I had a real moment of secondary school PE class thinking I was gonna#be looking around feeling shitty and out of place for not having The Branded Shit but somehow I’ve acquired stuff#leggings from my old flatmate who IS a gym girlie meaning im twatting about in GYMSHARK LEGGINGS LIKE SOME SORT OF POSER#I feel like im going to dance classes again this is so. this entire thing feels on the edge of nostalgic and generally just WEIRD#I feel like the Cool Girls will be there I feel like they will know there is something Fundamentally Off about me and I’ll never know what#BUT OH WELL. DO IT SCARED#hella goes to uni
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dandelion is indeed the worst but if he’s not present in the next book i would legitimately be sorrowful as the whole thing will become a slog . you basically cannot have the “short stories” era-of-the-timeline iteration of geralt without dandelion, it would be like eating unbuttered bread.
though it’s not like season of storms did them dirty, i wasn’t disappointed with it (… with regards to them), but since it’s literally been over 20 years since the saga was finished i’m trying to prepare for any potential reality
#however i will accept an absence of dandelion IN THE CASE OF we get to see geralt and yennefer living together in vengerberg#but if it’s regular geralt day in the life then if dandelion’s not there it’s gonna suuuuuccckk#i mean as in geralt’s life sucks without him. badly#and it also? sucks with him. good-ly.#it’s august and we don’t have a title yetttt 🥲 and they said 2024 … hmhm sure#i just feel like rupaul ‘and don’t fuck it up’.gif#like i’m excited but also wtf? new witcher book? are we on punk’d?#it’s not going to be the best but i’m hoping it will be at least as good as season of storms. not a high bar ok!#this from the person who was optimistic about the n*tflix show. don’t trust me i like to believe in the future#i was going to say ‘and i trust sapkowski more than i trust n*tflix’ and then i laughed.#i don’t trust him—i don’t even trust the version of him from the 90s and 00s!#one side of me can’t believe i’m still here after the guardswomen of kerack. and the ‘well i’m only gay for clout’ villain motivations#the other side of me is intensely curious wtf geralt will get up to this time and how witcher could maybe even denigrate further#but season of storms ending was actually good and = well it’s not like sapkowski forgot what it was about#then again it’s been 10 years and a bad adaptation since then so im biting my nails#all i ask : please stick with the naming convention of the other books. i don’t want to write an absurdly long or short name or acronym out#sooooo weird that in a few months i will be saying: there are 9 witcher books.#actually rn i just say there’s 7 and discount season of storms as a legitimate heir but mention it as footnote lol#i just hope i can survive until this new book and until its translation LOLLLL#they said translation in 2025 but you know the track record#new book: *releases winter 2024* | english translation: coming 2045!#jk i think they finally figured out that witcher is a money printer so they will be eager to translate it now and not waffle around#they kicked their butts into gear with the hussite trilogy so ! and they made new hardcovers.#the elbow-high diaries#new book 2024
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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📓🖊️🧸
#i feel so lonely now bc i have no one to talk to sksksk#my sisters gets mad whenever i try to talk 2 mom and she just slammed doors nd got irritated at me#nd my mom is so stressed nd in a bad mood so she just got annoyed when i tried saying smth to her#so ig i should just vent to my bestfriend beloved diary confidant thats been here for me for 5yrs<3333#anywayyy today was rough.. i woke up w a headache after 3hrs of sleep :((#but still had to get up nd get ready nd eat boxed mashed potatoes for breakkyy 🤢🤮 (it's so gross after eating it everyday lol)#then w my hunchback nd achy stomach i went to school. it was frustrating bc ppl r so fkn rude#they bumped into me at the bus nd i had to sit like a weirdo caging my left stomach side from everyone. had to elbow some dumb fkn guy bc he#pressed his backpack into my side. so i had to basically push it away from me lol he thought i was so weird. but move tf away asshole??????#got to school nd checked myself in the mirror nd i was so pale i look like absolute garbage its annoying :((#it was next to insufferable to endure class bc my head hurt so bad (it was the worst part i think) nd i couldnt sit up straight so my back#hurt so bad too sksksks :<#but i managed to write a little but on my assignment#then i left a bit earlier bc i couldnt stand it anymore i was feeling so bad#wrnt to the library bc i had to return some books. could only carry two small ones tho so have to go back multiple times sksksk#felt soooo bad but ate some more disgusting mashed potatoes nd took a nap w an ice pack. took a migraine pill even if it upsets my stomach🤣#now a few hours later i feel better physically#buuuuuut im so miserable im not even kidding#idc if it sound pathetic or fatty but genuinely that moment w a cup of coffee nd a small chocolate treat everyday makes me feel sm better#like im not kidding!!!!! it does a lot for my peace of mind sksksk T-T#im so miserable bc i cant eat anything still im so hungry :((#and im weak. im pale. my skin's dry. it's itchy bc of malnutrition... i feel faint nd dizzy nd slow nd just not good at all#im so frustrated i hate this sm i wanna feel strong and healthy!! i dont wanna be constantly hungry. i wanna go to the gym nd go for walks#i wanna be able to sit up straight nd not get back pain!!!#i know i know it's only been 8 days since surgery and it takes time to heal i get it..... :(#but theres just too much going on and im so sick and tired of it all#mostly i just wanna be able to eat and feel strong bc i feel so weak nd i miss food so much sksksksk
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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i love madoka magica however i dont think we as a fandom talk enough about how tragic madoka herself is. probably because the narrative itself steers you away from thinking about her personally. shes not a character shes a desire that homura has, shes a force of good, shes homura's foil. but those are all madoka's narrative roles but madoka herself as a person is not really looked at because we are viewing this world from an unreliable narrator(homura) who only sees madoka as those things. The best thing homura could have done for madoka was give up on her, to let her go. because every time we go back in time the image of madoka is distorted, she loses more of herself every regression of homura's as she tries harder and harder to save her. We don't even know what madoka originally wished for to become a magical girl in the original timeline. and she actually acts quite differently than the madoka we meet. shes a lot more honest and caring and bold. by the time homura's has reached the actual anime madoka has been reduced by the sands of time to a figment of herself. she has no wants or desires of her own beyond wanting to do good and help her friends and when all her humanity is stripped away is when she finally acends to godhood because thats all thats left of her. an ideal and a faith in her. madoka kaname died a long time ago and all that is left is her ghost.
#of course homura doesnt care anymore because she cant go back she can only go forward cuz if she gives up she killed madoka for nothing#she could have left her pass away with dignity but now shes a ghost stuck in a web of time and the only thing she can do is keep trying#to save her#i feel like inately homura knows this but she doesnt want to admit to herself thats shes the real one who killed madoka kaname#this is a very charitable reading of homura#homura died too but its a clear moment because homura is our narrator#homura akemi will never come back madoka kaname will never come back#but life goes on anyway for homura#heres my truth#i loved rebellion but im actually a bigger fan of the original anime's ending so im glad it seems like red ribbon homu is coming back#i thought that ending was a lot more hopeful and beautiful and rebellion was kind of a downer but i always accepted they were parallel#and seems im right based on posters#for walpurgis#madoka uses one of my favorite literary devices which is the underuse of a character#i dont know whats it called but i love it when they dont outright develop a character usually to signal an upholding of the status quo#i already explained how madoka is not shown as a character but they do this in princess tutu too with mytho#mytho is a character from a book hes not real in the way that the others are and therefore cant actually change like the others can#hes always the focus of others and never the one thinking of others#i mean yeah he spends like the whole anime thinking about tutu but thats PART of his book its not him as a person#anyway ive been talking too much but i wanna bring up my favorite subtle use of this in takopi's original sin#the boy#idk his name rn lmao#hes straight up not present for the bulk of the manga and hes legit just absent from the ending scene despite being one point of a triangle#at first that weirded me out like??? he doesnt get closure???#but the reason was he didnt need it#the focus and moral is that those girls were 'weird' unable to be normal (because of trauma) and their closure was theyre at least together#but he doesnt need that because hes already normal hes the status quo a benchmark for the reader for the reader to judge the characters off#and the characters to judge eachother off of#anyway anyway sorry this has been so long#i had to get all of that out of me
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Feel free to skip on past this, I’ve just gotta ramble for a minute bc i cant stop thinking about this kid from work last week. They were so much like me at that age (5-6th grade) that I didn’t know how to interact with them? I didn’t know what to say to them bc I don’t know what I needed to hear back then, what I would’ve WANTED to hear? What would I have even listened to? They were almost entirely silent and looked out at the world with a hesitant curiosity, but would pull back so fast as soon as you tried to interact w them. Little to no eye contact, face hidden in hair, always looking down, following others until they could strike off on their own and just quietly explore. Intently focusing on drawing any chance they got. We did an art project and they hunched over their piece the entire time and wouldn’t let any of us see it in progress, refusing to look up or acknowledge us if we asked to see it or to know what it was. Idk. I barely interacted w them while they were with us for those few days bc I didn’t know how? It almost hurt to try? It was like looking back into a time machine and i didn’t know how to tell them that it does get better,,, I still don’t even know if where I am is better, some days feel so unsure that I don’t think I’ve made any progress at all. But seeing that kid, idk. I’ve come pretty far. And it DOES get better. Maybe it’s not the best now, or even that great at all, but it’s better. I wish I could’ve told them but I don’t think they’d have wanted to hear it anyway
#im a rambling sam#I’m in a weird place again since getting here for this season of work#idk maybe I’ve been in a weird place all year probably#I don’t think I’m that far from where I was at that age but I know I am there’s just still so much further to go#one day I think it’ll feel easier but maybe not today#I do love working w kids but I’m considering going into horticulture instead of outdoor education bc I don’t know if I can handle this#I can#but god I don’t know#in my heart I’m still that exact kid and she’s still in there so damn anxious and unsure and needing to observe the world and everyone in it#just to get some sense of understanding of just what the fuck is going on around here#but by the time I’ve gotten a good handle on what is going on everything is already so set in place and my place is outside the system and I#I don’t know how to step into it#sorry sorry I’m still rambling I’m having a weird day I probably just haven’t eaten nearly enough in the last few days and I’m about to#start teaching on my own this week which is terrifying and I can’t stop thinking abt that damn kid I wish they stayed longer I think#we probably would’ve gotten along#but groups only come here for a couple days and then go home which is v weird after having the same kids for 3 weeks for summer camp#idk life gets better and it gets worse and sometimes u grow into the world a little more but there’s still a mute child in your ribcage#little hands pressed up against ur ribs like laying a palm against a bus window#I put my hand over my sternum as if we could press our hands together thru time#when I was that age I used to pretend to have someone around me like an imaginary friend but usually it was a book character that I liked#and I’d talk to myself in my head like having a conversation and giving myself motivation and assurances from someone else to me#and now I’m here and I still talk to myself like that but without the imagined friend as a buffer I just talk to myself in my head#now I’m the imaginary friend for the little Sam that lives in my chest#when I talk to myself I’m talking to her#I’m giving her the assurance she needed back then#the assurance I still need now#I am here for her so I am here for myself#this is getting poetically nonsensical maybe it’s time for bed
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kny x tokyo ghoul au
was thinking abt following tokyo ghoul's storyline and making nezuko get organ donor ghoul-ified like kaneki but on second thought that seems a bit boring. the slayer marks (tanjiro's specifically- that one frame in the red light district arc where he looks like hes absolutely lost it) made me think of the sort of insanity thing with centipede kaneki when he started eating ghouls. (nezuko's bout of literally losing control of herself beating daki is probably a bit closer tho) dont know what to do with that. tanjiro being human and having to keep nezuko safe with her new life as a half-ghoul is pretty cool but i dont know. could make it different
#sakonji as coffee shop owner and sabito & giyuu as workers and the fox squad being the underground Good Ghouls makes me kick my feet#goth/alt vibe makomo as the mask maker MWAH and sabito & giyuu playing as regular college kids. giyuu 'eating' out with friends and#sabito drive-by eating his food before booking it (Sabito-! you bastard!) and later when theyre alone giyuu holding his hair back#(you should stop eating my food all the time..) ((im fine- as long as it makes it easier on you))#tanjiro working as a server & nezuko more as#.#i forgot hanae-san also voiced Kaneki#what the fuck is it with him and voicing the main characters of anime about the morality of cannibalism#its not much but its weird that its happened twice#i completely fucking forgot abt that and here i am literally putting tanjiro in his place#as i was saying nezuko has a 'job' there but shes not actually employed or forced to work she just hangs around in uniform like her brother#while tanjiro's the one thats employed. shes the cute mascot of the place and sabito gets hype with her and it entertains ppl#sabito nezuko interactions beloved<3 she makes him go big brother mode#giyuu's behind the counter helping sakonji make coffee so he doesnt have to interact with people (as much)#something something also half-ghoul genya being an antagonist at first until tanjiro & nezuko's bond makes him change his mind#and he becomes the newest employee at the coffee shop. que him and sabito bickering at eachother like children and tanjiro being so#sweetfaced and genuinely kind to him & giyuu being a chill comforting presence he can go to#confides in them his fear about his brother and the guilt he feels for being around them bc it puts them in danger#mm#sweet au. great playing field to ruin absolutely everyone#i should rewatch/read tokyo ghoul its been almost a year i think#do that then decide how i want the au to play out if i want it to try to follow that storyline or if i should do some worldbuilding fuckery#of my own instead to completely change how nezuko & genya's half-ghoulness would happen#i remember i dropped tokyo ghoulre but i dont remember why. didnt bother after that Hide scene in the anime but i dont remember y the manga#i was listening to Seijatachi for writing vibes and stared a bit too long at the album image i put#kny#tokyo ghoul#kamado tanjiro#kamado nezuko#kny x tokyo ghoul au
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I AM NOT BRAVE I COULD SO EASILY BE UNABASHEDLY MYSELF IN EVERY WEIRD CRINGEY WAY AND SURROUND MYSELF WITH SIMILAR PEOPLE BUT I JUST DONT IM SO SCARED OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY LIKE IVE NEVER KNOWN ANYTHING BAD TO COME OF BEING MYSELF SO WHY AM I SO TERRIFIED OF IT IM SO SICK OF WAITING FOR LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE TO COME MY WAY BECAUSE THAT'S NOT FAIR WE ARE ALL SO DISGUSTED BY OURSELVES AND I WANT TO BE THE PERSON THAT CAN BE THEMSELF SO SHAMELESSLY THAT OTHER PEOPLE CAN TOO BUT I JUST CANT BECAUSE IM NOT BRAVE AND I FEAR I NEVER WILL BE anyway im going grocery shopping does anyone want anything
#could claw my skin off with how angry i make myself like this cowardice goes against everything in me#goes against how i was raised goes against what i believe and yet here i am so terrified of my peer group and FOR WHAT#I DONT EVEN LIKE MOST OF THEM ARE YOU JOKING#if you ever think about starting a family i beg you dont do it in a small town it will CRIPPLE your child the shame will not leave#like???? NOTHING is stopping me from dressing how i want and talking about what i want and sharing my interests#BUT I JUST DONT DO IT#IM PERPETUALLY WAITING FOR AN ENVIRONMENT SUITED TO ME#LIKE UNI WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WHEN I WAS TRULY MYSELF AND I HAVENT DONE THAT#SO IM LIKE 'OH OKAY IVE STILL GOT THE REST OF MY LIFE TO FIND SOMEWHERE'#AND THAT'S TRUE BUT I FUCKING HATE THAT ATTITUDE LIKE THAT IS NOT MY KIND OF ATTITUDE#im not just gonna hole away and wait for everything else to be fixed for me FUCK THAT#BUT IM SO SCARED OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE#and the worst part is the friends i have rn would probably not even give a fuck#like yeah id probably not be as close with some of them bc they just wouldnt get it#but the MAJORITY would be supportive bc these are genuinely the best friends ive ever had#and i would MAKE MORE FRIENDS THAT *DID* GET IT BY PUTTING MYSELF IN ENVIRONMENTS I ENJOYED#like if i joined book clubs to talk about fantasy or started courses to talk about writing (i am gonna focus on this a lot after uni tbh)#or if i just interacted with just genuinely cringey shit irl that i ENJOY but i WONT and it pisses the fuck out of me#like i used to feel such genuine fear for the weird kids at school bc i could see the torment they would be faced with#but out of the two of us i was significantly more pathetic in my shitty 15+ girl group going to parties#and getting traumatised to fit in. i loved it at the time dont get me wrong i thought i was hot shit#but like. why am i still so scared of what my 16 y/o hometown girl group would think#i dont even LIKE those bitches COME OFF IT LMFAO even my CURRENT hometown friend group didnt like them#bc even THEY let themselves be more authentic at school it was literally just me being a coward#like i'll slag off my hometown group til the cows come home bc they're Not Great but in secondary school i didnt even SPEAK to those girls#and sure it was a big school but to not be able to remember a time i spoke to them even once in five years?#is that something to be proud of? is that the girl i still want to embody? are we seriously still fucking doing this?#and i have the nerve to let everyone think im the strong one of the group. gtfo im so fucking mad about this#hella goes home
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while im (takes a deep breath to hold back my rage) sympathetic to the fans of Those Wizard Books who're taking a death of the author approach so long as they're not supporting the series financially or actively promoting it and are sticking to fan communities, I really, *really* wish people would put away their merch. Because when I see someone in public with merch from it, I always have to wonder if I'm safe around them as a trans person, if my trans friends are safe. And that's a sucky feeling to have, especially when talking to people who otherwise seems perfectly fine and nice!!! A lot of HP fans are just, people!!! Who maybe don't know what the big deal is, or have chosen to deal with the problem by doubling down to spite the author!! But even when I know for a fact they're totally safe or even trans themselves, I don't want to be constantly reminded of the series whose author is an incredibly rich and powerful person whose whole agenda for the past several years has been to push back against the rights of people like me, and who people like my own god damn mother is more willing to listen to about trans people than her own nonbinary child.
I know it's irrational to feel surges of rage at the mere mention of a popular multimedia franchises, but while I know not every trans person is bothered by it, I also know that a lot of trans people and even allies *are* bothered by it. Just... begging for some understanding, and for people to just PLEASE dial back their fandom-ing in public spaces, especially mostly queer spaces. You don't know how much difference it might make in the comfort and feeling of safety for the trans people around you
#maybe this matters less in the US#or like anywhere else in the world#but in the UK............. please holy shit terfs are a bigger force here than anywhere else#PLEASE stop openly showing support for the multimedia franchise that made the one with the most mainstream influence insanely rich#that she still uses to prop up her arguments about trans people#do you know that she's claimed the fact that people still like her wizard books means that shows people support her beliefs?#do you know that she's compared queer people to the villains of her books?#do you know how much she hates us? how much she hates our transfemme sisters especially?#im just a short afab nonbinary weirdo#i'm not seen as a threat by anyone#i can't imagine how trans women must be dealing with this#vent post#technically#ugh#sorry this has been on my mind for a while and i'm in a weird mood rn#don't come at me for this just block me if you're going to be bothered enough by this#because if you do bother me i'll just block you first lmao#edit: not that not being seen as a threat is necessarily a good thing because in the case of us afab enbies we're mostly just dismissed#there's a lot of us but it also feels like we're so invisible outside our own communities#we're just assumed as queer women most of the time especially those of my generation who haven't had any opportunity to medically transitio#except the lucky few who were able to get a diagnosis relatively early in life#or had the money to turn to private healthcare#trans men who don't pass too#moodle rambles
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I’m out of town for a couple of days for my brother’s chess tournament and the internet in this hotel sucks butts and I only brought one book with me 😓
#sucks butts IN A BAD WAY#this is the same hotel that held the last couple of big chess tournaments my brother entered#so I’ve been here a few times but this is the first time I’m actually renting a room instead of driving back and forth each day#so positive: got a room and don’t have to drive a bunch. negative: no continental breakfast 😒#they have a little tiny starbucks but no free breakfast which is bullshit!#also all of my books are stilled packed up from moving bc I’m lazy so I couldn’t grabbed any one I really wanted to read#but I did get a free copy of Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’ the other day so I brought that#and yeah I am kinda pumped to peruse that. Mr King is a pretty cool dude and I def want his writing tips#but also… I just kinda would rather read something about a fucked up wizard or something ya know?#anyway I always feel weird or annoying saying this but if you want to send me any asks or anything to help pass my time then by all means#or not. it’s cool. really. I hate bugging people and I hate coming off as desperate & needy outside of the bedroom#im going to be mushy and say im kind of excited to spend the night sleepover style with my little bro here#he’s getting older and it’s getting harder to convince him to hang out with me#love this little dude so gosh darn much#oh man what if we get a pizza and watch a movie together? would that be cool? is that something teenagers like to do with their older bros?#i’m so lame#being like 18 years older than your younger brother means you get to fulfill your cool uncle/dad vibes without actually having kids#ok I have to stop myself from filling this with tags about wishing I was a dad or being whatever#what was I saying before?… did I even have a point?#oh yeah… bad internet… only one book… I’m hungry… yeah…#this isn’t important#you can ignore this#text
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i am grateful for many of the graces i have been given in my life but often i wish i didnt have emotionally constipated parents who only got full custody of me when i was 15. often i yearn for a gilmore girls type relationship where even if they dont know everything i can call them and feel less alone in the world. i want to cry and not have them flounder and not know what to do but tell me not to be sad
#its such a weird bizarre loneliness to be the only person in this whole world who ever experienced my mother#in the particular way she taught me to be meek and live out my existence prioritizing not bothering anyone with it#and then to have moved on to a family who loves me less wrong but has still always been confused about how to interact with me#and has mostly left me to my own devices#when i went off to college there was a while there where i didnt feel so alone in the world but now thats dissipated and im.#well im still here#clawing at the walls trying to figure out how to be seen and how to do anything and how to live and i feel like i know so much about book#learning and being cultured and know nothing about loving#i am so tired of this alone ness. circulating through my life#how many times in my life have been struck with the feeling of wanting to call#someone. anyone. and not knowing who.#im going to change this. i have to.#but dear lord. its hard.#t;
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