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I think it's cool Manni embroidered his message on a zombie and sent it to us. (yes I was attacked by it but it's still cool)
#tes#daggerfall#Soul of a Lich#king of worms#mannimarco#zombie#blood#tesblr#I didn't draw the entire message bc Manni wrote a lot for me and i got lazy. Here is the entire thing:#Dear Zahasa (that's me aka Player's name)#It would be an honor to have you visit me in my demense at your convenience. I have a small matter that you are ideally suited for.#As always. my servants will test your mettle. Feel free to dispense with them. They can always be raised again.#The King of Worms. Master of Scourg Barrow#<- these! he wrote all these on a zombie's back! he's a badass with class!!!#bc he's immortal? he got free time to write a massage stitch by stitch like that?#actually it kinda make me feel special bc the letter he wrote for the princess was so short and i have a whole paragraph#but the dead body kinda went bad when it arrived to me ^^'#but again that's badass! i wish crazy villain does these more often this is really cool#like abnur tharn use a banekin to send vestige a message#and arcane university use a dremora to give lex a note#manni should write more stuff for us via zombie. that would be cool#btw manni's right hand sleeve look weird is bc zombie don't have waist only spine in daggerfall#i don't know how to draw the cut section of belly and i'm trying to cover it with his sleeve
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Thinking about early on when Lan Wangji was trying to figure out if Wei Wuxian was back, and the idea that it took him a while to reconcile the Wei Wuxian that came back to life with the Wei Wuxian that died was because the one that died is nothing like the one that came back to life. And it is that overwhelming thought that almost brings him to his knees, because “Oh, it’s not just the man Iet die that came back, but it is also the boy that I first loved. He is not lost to me forever.”
#hm yeah becuz do you realise that wwx has changed drastically over the course of his life#and that the person lwj last remembers is the wwx that is hurt and resentful and would have burnt down the world#and maybe wwx would have it he wasnt such a good person#but the point is that when he came back he’s clearheaded again#he has the desire to LIVE and stay tf away from the people that he has hurt and the people that have hurt him#i.e. cultivation sects#lwj hasnt seen his happiness since the last visit to burial mound#and even then the wwx of the burial mounds is so burdened by his life#a sharp contrast to his once free spirited young heart and endless mischievousness#justt hnng lwj feels like he got wwx back in whole even tho obv we know wwx is just a master of self gasligiting and repression#makes my brain go brrr#mdzs#wangxian#lan wangji#wei wuxian#modao zushi#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#the untamed#mdzs meta#mdzs headcanons
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Raised in Amphibia AU Marcy has a very complicated relationship with Andrias. They love each other and see each other as father and daughter. He never yells at her, never raised a hand at her, yet she's so utterly terrified of him. She doesn't even know why she feels like this, but all she wants is to not lose his love and to make him proud, and feels like she's always in debt, always failing at earning her place, always desperately two steps behind, never quite pleasing him.
She gives up so much of herself to earn his love and approval... she keeps most of her less useful interests secret, she doesn't have any friends except for maybe Lady Olivia, she drops whatever she's doing, no matter how important, to go to her father when he calls her, she "forgets" about her feelings when they're inconvenient to him...
She used to wear her hair long because he liked it. He never pressured her to wear it like that, possibly didn't even notice the effects his words had on her, but he once said it's what's traditional for the Leviathan royal family, and that it looked good in her, and she was determined to keep hers as long as possible, until one day she can't handle all the stress and anxiety and she desperately cuts it all in her bedchambers. Now it's so short, barely reaching her jaw. She cried herself to sleep that night. Andrias didn't say anything about it, only that it looked nice, and Marcy feels her heart sink - she let it grow for years no matter how uncomfortable it was or how little she liked it for nothing.
#amphibia#raised in amphibia au#marcy wu#andrias leviathan#marcy leviathan#princess marcy#princess marcy leviathan#cutting her hair wasn't premeditated. she did it while having a breakdown#it was her nervous system's impulse to fight in any way possible. to reclaim as much control as she possibly could.#only for andrias to later gaslight her into thinking there was something to fight against#that she was just imagining things to think her hair represented anything#it makes her feel really stupid looking back#and the court whispers about her change in look and how non-traditional she looks. everyone already questioned her status#as a legitimate leviathan princess and rightful heir to the throne#some even denied she was a newt at all! could you believe that? her dad is a newt - what else could she be?#now she breaks tradition by cutting her hair as short as a boy's? oh what would her grandfather say!#the odd rouguish farm girl with curly hair and a bright smile who claims not to be neither frog nor toad not newt despite looking#an awful lot like Marcy...#she visits her in Newtopia every now and then and she had the biggest smile when she saw her again after her little Anxiety Makeover#she ruffled her hair and told her she looked ''amazing'' and ''really really beautiful'' and ''absolutely adorable''#it was rare for people to think Marcy was pretty - most newts thought she was monstruously deformed -#but this girl never held back on compliments. maybe she saw her in a better light because they were equally deformed#but it always makes Marcy's chest bloom with warmth#and that day as they were catching up - chatting in the palace rooftops - sharing sweets stolen from the kitchens - Marcy felt so *free*#my posts#marcanne#technically sashannarcy but like eventually
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Khian an I were joking around about how Rael sometimes gets very protective of A‘vi (rightfully so) and then she made this meme!
I love this! It makes me laugh every time I look at it because it’s so ridiculous and funny but also so accurate at the same time!! Their expressions, especially Rael’s! 😂
Screenshots taken by Khian
#ffxiv#ff14#final fantasy xiv#final fantasy 14#ff14 screenshots#ffxiv screenshots#ffxiv gpose#gpose#Aviloh tia#Rael Hyskaris#not my screenshots#once again please go and visit khians profile if you haven’t already!#if you have any more memes that remind you of my babies feel free to send them my way because this is sooo funny 🤣#Khian
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I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.
#im over halfway at least. but fucking christ.#ive barely seen anyone i care about for weeks. im hardly sleeping. im in knee braces and im still in pain.#13 hours a day of people yelling at me. the busiest ive ever seen public transport. eating the most random sporadic shit.#no hobbies. very few friends or family. crying twice a day. i still havent been paid. binding!! binding 7am til midnight!!!! daily!!!!!#my whole body hurts im physically mentally emotionally exhausted im desperately lonely im not doing the things that make me feel fulfilled#when my loved ones are free im either working or passed out in pain and exhaustion#the boss is enabling all sorts of bullshit yet again#im not able to be a person anyone i care about deserves to know#and that makes me not want to know me either#that is at least when i have enough fractions of a spoon left to feel anything at all except upset or numb#i NEED this all to be over#my next free day is my sisters 21st birthday next month my fucking baby sister is turning 21 and i dont know what to get her#i dont have a brain im not being!! a person worth knowing!!!!#my gran fucking fell the other day she's hurt ive not visited her in ages bc of work and finance i want to see my wee gran i want#to buy her ice cream and tell her i love her#i had to clean up an old guy who smashed his face on the pavement today and im just putting That trauma off til at least mid September#my BEST FRIEND gets MARRIED next week#and i can barely think about it because im on empty#im on below empty#they deserve so much better from me#im out. im not doing this again. not like this.
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the world has been feeding me so much garbage recently
and then all of a sudden everything clicks back into place and it feels almost too good to be true
anyways i have a tattoo appointment next week LMAO
#suddenly things are paid and complications are fixed and i have money on hand#and an artist with one free timeslot is visiting the city and has a dream style ive been wanting to get tattooed for forever so ough#its a little bit more expensive than i would have wanted but i can afford it now and idk when im gonna get a chance like this again#just.. yeah. getting my benefits sorted and that washing machine taken care of and yeah. having money for this#its bye bye tax returns sure but man. it feels great ough#night is an absolute mess on main
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Hola, a friend and I are thinking about doing a sightseeing trip to Madrid in the middle of november. Do you have some insider tips what we should see? :)
hi anon, yes of course !!!
so, one thing about madrid, it isn't a monument city but a walking city. i'd say walking through the city center, centered around the two main squares, puerta del sol and plaza mayor (both also massive tourist hotspots so expect a ton of people). just walking around that area, around arenal street, calle mayor (main street), carretas street and others is enough to get a feel of the oldest part of the city (also called 'madrid the los austrias' or 'austrian madrid', when spain was ruled by the habsburgs). it's my favourite area honestly, alongside the barrio de las letras, which you can get to walking or in a few metro stops. its name translates to 'neighborhood of the letters' because a ton of writers lived here, and you can find phrases from spanish literary classics engraved on the streets, it's lovely.
apart from that central area, other cool spots i would really recommend you should check out is gran vía (busiest street in the city, it literally translates to 'broadway', it has a ton of theatres as well), malasaña (hip arts district, love the vibe, also it's so beautiful and there's always stuff going on, really nice place to go out at night as well), chueca (next to malasaña, it's the queer district!!! also very beautiful), debod (my actual favourite place in the city!!!!!! it's this hill that holds an egyptian temple - the temple of debod - that was gifted to spain after the aswan campaign, you can visit it and also the views from the city from here are lovely, you can find the best sunset here), el rastro (the largest flea market in the country, you can visit it every sunday, you can find anything here. also nearby, in the cuesta de moyano, there's a book fair also open only on sundays), retiro park (our main park, really pretty, it's very nice to just chill; it also has a lake you can row on, and cool statues and stuff), and the royal palace (it's open to the public if that's your thing, but the area around it is very very nice, i always end up here when i hang out with my friends).
now let's talk museums!!!! madrid has a ton of museums, i'll tell you the ones i recommend but depending on what you're looking for there's probably something for you. important to note is that at least the prado and the reina sofía museums are free everyday one hour before they close !!!!!! important !!!!!! check in case there's other museums that do this, but i'm unsure, i think it's those two and maybe the thyssen?
so. the main three art museums in madrid are the prado museum (the counterpart of the louvre, that sorta vibe), the reina sofía museum (our modern art museum, only stuff from picasso onwards), and the thyssen museum (ngl i haven't been here, it's a private museum made out of the collection of this one countess). all of them (more or less) are in the prado boulevard, which is also very nice to walk by so it's always lovely to go there even if you don't enter the museums. nearby there's also the national archaeological museum, my personal favourite one.
other smaller but also cool museums that i love are the madrid history museum (the facade is insane, also has tons of cool maps of the city), romanticism museum (an old romanticism-era palace with romanticism-era paintings and other stuff), cerralbo museum (underrated af; it is the personal collection of this one noble, the building itself is absolutely insane), and the sorolla museum (if you like sorolla this is your place!).
(i'm nearly done i swear)
if you have time and want to visit a nearby city, my recommendations are: alcalá de henares (really close to madrid, it has the second oldest university in spain, with a medieval feel to it, it also has the madrid archaeological museum - it was a roman foundation under the name of complutum - and most importantly, it's known for being the birthplace of miguel de cervantes, writer of don quijote!!!! you can visit his house, it's now a museum :), el escorial (deep in the mountains, it has the monastery of el escorial, maximum icon of spanish renaissance, it was the winter palace of the monarchy and holds the royal crypt, where most of spanish monarchs have been buried), toledo (oh if you love medieval cities you'll love this one. it was the first capital of spain, and it is most known for being the city that during the medieval times had christians, muslims and jews living peacefully. there's tons of churches, mosques and synagogues to visit, and it is very well preserved, with narrow steep cobblestone streets, cannot recommend it enough), and segovia (toledo is to the south of madrid, and segovia to the north! it is most famous for its roman aqueduct, the best preserved and highest in the country, and it also has a ton of historical buildings, including its alcázar, a palace that inspired the sleeping beauty castle !!!!!). also it's not a city but there's a national park in madrid, the sierra de guadarrama national park and it's super beautiful, it's this lovely mountainous area perfect for hiking or just chilling, and depending on when in november you come, you might see snow!
as a final warning!! i don't know where you're from but in november madrid is probably colder than you are expecting so make sure to pack some extra layers just in case !!!
#ask#madrid#sorry for the long post anon. but you asked for it#(but again. sorry)#hope this is helpful!#and if you have something in particular in mind of some kind of activity or a kind of place of visit#let me know so i can further help#also about guadarrama !!!#the national park is just part of the mountain range of the guadarrama mountains#and personally i haven't been to the park but i've been to other places in the guadarrama mountains and i can't recommend them enough#just going anywhere in the mountains is <3333#i would recommend the hayedo de montejo (the southernmost beech forest in europe!)#the boca del asno which is a popular picnic spot#navacerrada is the most famous ski town. maybe it will be opened in november but i'm unsure? there's cool trekking paths tho and it's easy#to get to via public transport#also !!!! la pedriza !!! which is this cool mountain (?) group of mountains (?) with these big rock formations that look funny#and there's a ton of mountain goats there as well.#anddd in the town where la pedriza is located (manzanares el real) is a really cool castle used by the templars#one of the best preserved medieval castles i've been to#definitely the best one in madrid#i almost added manzanares el real to the list of places to see next to madrid but it didn't feel important enough#there's also other places as well like again. if you want more info about specific stuff feel free to let me know!!!#also with public transport you should be able to get everywhere. the metro is (maybe a bit confusing) pretty reliable
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I'm so happy!
Context: I have had a Playstation 2 for a long time, around mayyybe 20 years old now. I'm pretty sure it was the second one I ever had, don't remember what happened to the first one. This one is the slim version, too. For the last couple years or so, not sure of the passage of time, some of the PS2 games I have seemed to have stopped working over time, like the three Spyro games I have: Spyro Year of the Dragon(PS1), The Legend of Spyro: A New Beginning, and Dawn of the Dragon in the same series. Only a few games still worked, and I wasn't too sure if it was the games or the PS2 that was starting to go. I kept all the games anyway, because they were essentially my childhood.
But! I had recently found a refurbished one on Amazon and decided to get it. It came in today, and I started testing my games on it, and the games that were still working were working well. Then I got to the Spyro games. The Legend of Spyro ones are working! But the one that really had me really happy was the PS1 Spyro Year of the Dragon. That was my favorite game growing up, and had to replace it twice before and this was my third copy that lasted until now. It works. It Works!! When it stopped working, I thought it was just done. But it works and I nearly cried from how happy I was that I can play the old thing again. Sure, I have the Spyro Reignited Trilogy, but I always missed playing the old version of that third game. Seeing the Playstation 1's logo on the screen yet again had me so happy, it's been so long since I've seen the startup to this game, I've missed it so much.
#dragon talks#i can play all my ps2 games again!!!#the two Godzilla games for the ps2 are also my favorites and the ones i want to keep as long as i can#they worked even when the others seemingly stopped working#i love those old games#if anyone wants to know what games i have for the Playstation 2 feel free to ask#i am full of joy to know my games still work#i had a feeling my old ps2 was on its way out#it's so old and it's been with me for so long#I'm glad it still works but also that it stuck with me for so long#same for my xbox 360#that's most likely my oldest console yet#and it still works perfectly last i checked#i plan to check it again this weekend#as i tended to check on my older consoles to see how they were doing#just every now and then#or if i wanted to visit some of the old games again
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I want someone to love me quietly and loudly at the same time because Im an idiot
#mine#words#human#love#someone unashamed of loving me#someone free to love me and choose me#someone who loves me with every blink#a love radiating from them surrounding me like a blanket making sure i feel it because im an idiot#because im an idiot#clown#feelings#thoughts#love comes in many forms and i dont want this to be romantic only#my friends are loving me openly and casually w lil care packages and notes for me with videos they send me with “ill sit w you”s &“i listen#with “your feelings are valid” “youre being hard to yourself so im being even softer” with “hey do you wanna play sth”#with “wanna body double” and “i rmb you like this” “have you eaten yet” “can i give you a hug”#with “my treat this time” and “can i come visit you” with “missing you” and “we share this part of life”#with “hey this reminded me of you” and “i dont need this but i thought you could” with “what have you been up to” and#with “do you wanna go there together” and “im getting [food/drink] you want some as well?”#with “i can pretend to be your waifu and help with chores” and “lets cook together” with “lets go on a walk together”#with “tell me when youre home” with “take care” and “enjoy!” with “hows your day been” “howd you sleep”#with “tell me about your dream last night” “show me your outfit” with “how are you” and “i can explain it to you again” with “i'll wait”#with “nice to hear from you again” and “i try to understand” with “im glad a late answer is better than none from you”#with “you cannot see your own effort but i can” with “how can i help you” and “just wanted to see/hear you” with “hey take this food w you”#with “i dont mind doing that for you” with ┌|∵|┐┌|∵|┐when seeing each other on the streets#every lil whimsical every experience thought and feeling shared#im immensely loved and i hope those people know and feel how i see appreciate and love them back#i am loved already#my friends make sure that i do not accept any less love expression and im endlessly grateful for them#“i will try for you” “i'll try remind you” “i can wake you up” this all will get its own post one day
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if you're going through a really bad time and an album from one of your favorite bands comes out, PLEASE resist the urge to listen to it on repeat to try to get yourself through the bad time. Mix it in with lots of other stuff, sure. But don't get yourself into the situation where you associate that music so strongly with a horrible part of your life that you can't enjoy it later without thinking about the bad stuff
TRUST ME
#Merrie Land by TGTBATQ came out right in the middle of Taste of Sam's while i was manager of the free sample dept at Sam's Club#imagine Black Friday but it's the busiest part of Friday morning for four straight days#and also you're cooking for ungrateful customers the whole time. and all of your workers are stressed out and getting mean#and the customers are starting to get mad when you run out of samples of turkey or whatever#and you have to manage a bunch of temps your company hired for the event who were told they could wear jackets so now YOUR workers are mad#and now one of your workers is threatening you in a way that's too subtle to punish but VERY clear as to her intentions#now one of the temps left her mat out and a customer tripped and was injured. and over of your workers has a seizure#and SURPRISE! corporate is here to visit#when Merrie Land came out i focused hard on it to take my mind off of feeling extremely incompetent as a manager#(it did not work and then it took literally four whole years to be able to enjoy those songs again)
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i love looking at people's aesthetic tags because theres usually some sort of theme going on
#moodboard is the one most important tag on my acc bc thats the one i like looking at again and again#milk (normal)#i feel very alienated from the world and people most of the time and i don't think anyone or anything can change that#but im also getting better at feeling at peace with it and accepting that i don't really belong being okay with that is important to me#so i like brutalist buildings and things that are overtly like hey you don't belong and im like *nods* i know but i am just visiting#i am just peeking my head in and i will be on my way in a bit but you are gorgeous i love how you hate me#i know this sounds very depressing and it is sometimes but its also kind of freeing in a way to give up yknow and not have to try#-to force extroversion or to try and fake emotions and caring that isn't there and just sorta exist in an area#where im not being held to human standards and scrutiny#idk i am very apathetic about stuff in general it's been this way since i was a baby and ive decided to start embracing it instead of#-thinking of it as a moral or social failing that i have to correct#anyways thats a whole essay hope u guys get what i mean.#yeah im doing alright
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pros of learning how to play fighting game:
undergoing a learning experience, trying out something entirely different from anything i have previously played
i get to look at a little guy do cool things on my screen :)
cons of learning how to play fighting game:
i am clumsy as all hell with the inputs
the order in which you press and/or hold buttons to create inputs is less like trying to get a sequence of movements right and more like playing a rhythm game (down then while not letting go of down press forward then let go of down and THEN press an attack button on the other side of the keyboard). i suck at rhythm games. hell world
sometimes, the damn things just... won't register? at all? you do a half circle to forward input and the game says "half circle forward? oh, sorry, that's ensenga :)" or, worse, "too slow, that's a regular heavy slash move :)". brother. why must you do me like this.
the area between the knuckles of my ring and little finger hurts like a motherfucker (though this has hurt in various areas since at least this morning, but i'm willing to bet that practicing quarter and half circle inputs for at least an hour did not make the situation any better)
#swear to god learning to play guilty gear is the ultimate test of will#but i am very determined not to drop it despite all of my frustration#it's not like i haven't dropped games in the past - i find it incredibly difficult to play ultrakill because despite the fact that i grew up#on shooters (from rtcw onward) i suck ass at ultrakill (though it's not like i was much good at any shooter that required quick reaction#time at first - it took me a good long while to get good at overwatch) and whenever i boot it up my mind immediately starts telling me that#all i can do in ultrakill‚ The Game That Revolves Around Being Fast And Stylish And Fun‚ is suck at it#which - you guessed it - means i rarely get the will to play it because i know i'll just end up neither having fun or getting better#and it's become very difficult for me to derive joy from trying to complete any videogame but that's a whole different story#and there's no way in hell i'm starting five because once i start five i'll finish playing five and holy shit i really need to start#visiting my therapist again don't i#too bad! :)#at any rate i'm not giving up on guilty gear anytime soon! it's frustrating but i know i'll start having loads of fun once i've mastered the#basics#also don't ask why i'm playing on a keyboard. controller's worse. this is entirely unfamiliar and weird and i don't have the muscle memory#for it but i will someday!! i will!!!#logs#Black Blank blah-blah-blah#< will be using this tag for any post in which i end up complaining about my life‚ feel free to blacklist it anytime
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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Me painting my nails all black at almost 5 am when I have to be up by 10 to work at 11
Thinking to myself, "Ah. I really am not doing okay."
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess.#i keep wavering on whether im coping fine or not#im trying. trying to not linger too much. trying to just live my life and continue pursuing my interests#tricking myself that everything is okay. smiling and laughing and enjoying the little things#and then it's nearly 5 am and im remembering the time my uncle came into my bubble tea shop while i was working#a surprise visit. and i got to take his order & recommend him things. a nice little thing.#im remembering trips with him. him driving and me being a little wallflower. but my family expects this so it's okay#im remembering my birthday. this year. where i was free from school and so looking forward to the summer#and then like a week later i got the news that my uncle had cancer. and a week after that my cat died.#and i got through it. i worked on getting better. i was starting to get better. & then i got the call from my dad#that my uncle was in the hospital again. and a week and a half later he was dead.#and here i am now. nearly 3 weeks later. and what do i have to show for it?#with cassy i cried 14 times in one night. it felt like a stab in the chest. a horrible wound. one i still flinch from remembering.#with my uncle... i had time to prepare myself. i began grieving well before he died. so it wasnt such a horrible shock to my system#instead... it feels like ive been slowly bleeding out. a gaping wound that isnt closing no matter how much i desperately try to.#bc the fact of the matter is that this is family. my uncle. who ive known my entire life. & who i was pretty close to#at least compared to my aunts on my mom's side. ive always been closer to my family on my dad's side.#it's not going to go away so soon. i know this. and it doesnt help that ive been away from my family for so much of this.#the memorial is in a week. im hoping it will help to heal the wound. at least a little bit.#i hate living life feeling like i have a hole in my chest. i hate losing people i love.#animal death ment/#death/#regardless. my nails are black. and it's time to go to sleep.
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#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol#its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year#watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol#worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece#and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things#he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME#killing him with hammers in my mind#i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends#and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly#and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just#i dont know i guess i thought it would be different#anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time#and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say#you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me#and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me#and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him#you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him#i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize#cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me#and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol#or itll just be at shows and stuff#not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS#actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy#ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT#btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...
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Im tired and upset to be back at work but I feel much better than I did on Sunday cos I'm healthyish again and yeah. i just needed to go home and feel loves warm embrace / true loves kiss and have my cats sleep on me all night I think so I feel normal now
#And we lay on the floor and listened to my wind and wuthering record last night I was like thank god I'm home#Now that I feel better I can plan some things for the week and I just plan to throw myself into music the next few weeks and then#I think I'll be fine#Cos then. My brother visits my mom visits for squeeze and I see peter gabriel and then it's like fall#Ok I have one extremely stressful event I'm dreading in there but once that's done I'm free cos I can never see those people again if I wan#Okay anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. I'm gonna go work and. Listen to Duke
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