#the boss is enabling all sorts of bullshit yet again

[calamitys-child]

I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.

[tar-oh]

Pick-a-Card!

So, I’ve decided to try out a pick-a-card. This is taking place of the daily cards from Thursday and Friday. It’s just a general reading, think of it as your daily card, except you get to choose a pile. You’re welcome to choose more than one, especially because some of them are kind of similar messages. Just pick whatever feels right! If you do pick, and it’s not resonating, try another pile. There is a chance there just isn’t a message for you in this pick-a-pile. If that’s the case, sorry! Maybe next time, or you can find another reader on here who resonates better.

Okay, so it goes:

Pile 1: Amethyst

Pile 2: Clear Quartz

Pile 3: We’re calling this the Pink/Gold Rock. I found it in an old jewelry box, and I’m still trying to figure out what it is.

Pile 4: Opalite

So, again. Pick whatever calls to you. You can have more than one.

Pile 1: Amethyst

New Moon in Aries, Waxing Moon, Ace of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, King of wands rx, 10 of pentacles reversed, Temperance and 5 of wands, and algiz. 

“I get so far, so fast.” - So Far, So Fast by The National

This pile seemed to be more work/creativity themed.

You're feeling inspired with new ideas. You're being advised to put these plans into action because you're on the right path. Though, you may be feeling impatient and want to jump right in. Maybe you feel that you're not quite strong enough to do so, but you are.  All that you want is possible, you just need to work for it. Remember not to go too fast and to take time out for your loved ones. Also, be smart with your finances in this time. However, things are in the universes hands, so luck is definitely on your side. For some, you may be meeting someone new. This can be romantic or platonic. They may be able to help you with these new ideas. For others, you may be dealing with an overbearing boss or authority figure. Stand your ground, but don't get too defensive and be kind (I know that really sucks because my first instinct is to chew someone out). But remember, luck is on your side, so all will work out in the end. Pile 2: Clear Quartz

Full Moon in Taurus, South Node, Ace of Cups reversed, Two of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles, The Artist,  The Magician reversed, 7 of cups, berkana.

"I think about you way more than anything else." - Quiet Light By The National

"All the very best of us string ourselves up for love." - Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks by the National

Oh boy. I sense heartbreak in this pile.

The biggest message I'm getting with this pile is that you're doubting your self-worth. This could have stemmed from a situation involving a heartbreak. I think some of you may have been cheated on (take what resonates).

Others may have gotten into a relationship that seemed promising, only for it to turn out not so great. You may have rushed into things with unrealistic expectations, or found that it was hard to balance this relationship with the rest of your life.

And for others, you may be pursuing something or someone that is actually quite toxic. You've created an unhealthy attachment towards this situation or person, and you need to step back and reevaluate things. The lyrics from Quiet Light, "I think about you way more than anything else," as well as the card South Node suggest this. I'm not saying this is a horrible thing. We all have our obsessions. It's just that we need to figure out which ones are healthy and which ones aren't.

Whichever applies to you, there are a few things you need to know:

One, you need to take a step back and figure out what it is exactly you want. You need a plan. Whether this be a situation involving money or a person, you need to figure out what actions you need to take. Do not rush into things. It's not the time to do so.

Secondly, listen to your intuition. If you're with someone and something feels off, then this is probably not the situation for you. You need to slow down and listen. Chances are, you already know what you need to know, you're just not paying attention.

And lastly, the Full Moon in Taurus talks about Law of Attraction. I'm not going to get into that, but there's something it says in the guide book for this card that I think applies to this: "Value yourself and others will value you too." Trust me, I know how hard it is to get out of a depressive state. I've been depressed the majority of my life. However, once I started trying to be kinder to myself and tried harder to stop doubting myself, I found myself feeling better. I'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all, or that this is going to work for everyone (I think it would be total bullshit to say that, honestly), but what I am saying is that you can program your mind to be nicer. Yes, I still have bad days, but they're less frequent. Life is not all rainbows and roses, but with a little bit of effort, it can have a few more rainbows and roses.

Whatever situation you're in, I'm sorry.  Know this: There is a new start within this situation. You can choose to start new. You can choose to free yourself of this toxic situation. I think this choice gives you power. It won't happen overnight, but an effort can help it happen. You don't deserve to be in this situation. Know that you're not alone (like seriously, if you need to talk, feel free to dm me!) Know that "All the very best of us string ourselves up for love". So, again. You're not alone. Don't let this get you down.

Sorry if this was kind of heavy, but apparently it needed to come through to someone. Maybe this was what you needed to hear to realize what kind of a situation you're in.

Pile 3: Pink/Gold Rock

Full Moon, Seven of Swords, 3 of pentacles, Death reversed, The World, Queen of Cups, Four of Swords and Ansuz (A) rune.

"There's a little bit of hell in everyone." - Rylan by The National

"I'm addicted to the soundtrack. I need the noise."  - Don’t Know Yet by Silversun Pickups

This group has a habit of keeping bad habits. It's okay, we all are there once and awhile. The problem is that you've gotten too comfortable where you're at. You've been stagnant, resisting the change. But, the thing is, when we allow ourselves to become stagnant, we grow apathetic. Is that a life worth living? This refusal to let go of bad habits and even obsessions will not end this chapter of your life. Instead, you'll be stuck reading the same three sentences over and over and none of it is going to register in your brain. You need to work on letting go of the negative and allow change to come in.  

Some of you may need to work on forgiving yourself and others, as well as stop needing to do it all alone. You may need to collaborate with others in order to work through this change. Some of you are just being hardheaded and sneaky. Don't be that way. Honestly, just Death Reversed and Seven of Swords suggest this, but I also have a feeling that one of you needs to hear this. Circling back to the thought about not needing to do it alone, this applies to you especially. You need to be open about your emotions and thoughts. Work through this with someone else.

Others may need to take a break. Clear your mind. You're ignoring your intuition. Clearing your mind may help you quiet all those doubts you have, enabling you to trust your gut. 

Overall, however, a new chapter is beginning. The World and Full Moon signal cycles ending. You're in this stage. It's up to you to be ready. Do you want to keep going back a few pages to reread what you missed while you were repeating those sentences? Or do you want to be able to finish this book and start another one? You have everything you need available to you; whether it's within yourself, or by working with others, it's up to you.

Pile #4: Opalite

Full Moon in Aries, The Lovers, The World, Ace of Pentacles, Seven of Cups, The Tower, Page of Swords, Page of Wands, 8 of Swords, Hagalaz

"Don't you know, someday, somebody will come find you?" - So Far, So Fast by the National 

"Guardian Angel, what do you see? I have tripped on all of your signs." - Romance Languages #1 by Cold War Kids

You are so smart, but you're afraid of the unknown and that's holding you back. You're terrified of what the future brings, so you allow yourself to stay stuck in this mental cage. Living in your daydreams instead of acting them out. You have a curious mind, always striving to learn new things. You're also extremely insightful, and usually you're really good at communicating. But this fear is holding you back, making you feel unfocused and unable to use your voice. I see that some of you may need to make a decision about some sort of union. Maybe this is about the joining of ideas, or a relationship. Whatever this is, it offers stability and the end of a hard chapter. But, to get here, you need to take the blindfold off and free yourself. You're ignoring all of the signs sent to you that it’s time to change, and because of this you're going to experience a tower moment. You have built a foundation that is not stable, and it's going to fall down. It may come as some shocking revelation. Or something painful. I do think this tower moment is avoidable if you already know what this decision is and can act on it, but if not it's out of your control. Once it's happened be building your foundation back up. Just remember this: you're not trapped, you've only convinced yourself this. Hope something in this resonated! I spent a lot of time on this and now I feel like I could sleep for days :( Also, still really in need of more lyrics outside of The National...I swear there’s more in the deck, but those seem to really want to come out these past weeks!

[imx-doomer]

HERE'S HOW TO FIX THE FINAL SEGMENT OF WOLFENSTEIN II: THE NEW COLOSSUS:

(I talked about this previously in a post of mine, but back then it was just a single sentence. This is a (much) more fleshed out post about that subject.)

(This is a semi-long post, but it won't be hindered behind a Read More because of reasons).

(Click here for full image)

Okay so, we all know by now that the way Engel died at the hands of B.J. Blazkowicz sucked major cow ass. Not only compared to the previous game of the franchise (The New Order), but also compared to other games of the franchise and many other similar games of the genre.

I am willing to admit that I'm not that much of a fan of Wolfenstein as I'm a fan of DOOM (as you can definitely perceive by my username and the name of this blog), but as far as my knowledge about the franchise goes, I believe The New Colossus was the very first game of the franchise ever since the original game from 1991 to not have a proper final boss fight.

Actually, let me double-check before continuing any further...

Okay, I'm done.

Now, let me list all the Wolfenstein games so far with their respective final bosses:

Wolfenstein 3D - General Fettgesicht Spear of Destiny - Angel of Death (a literal demon from Hell) Wolfenstein 3D: Original Encounter - Hitler (this was more of a compilation/rearrangement of the original game) Return to Castle Wolfenstein - Heinrich I Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory - A multiplayer game, originally intended to be an expansion pack of RtCW Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Tides of War & Operation Resurrection - Console ports of RtCW Wolfenstein (2009) - Hans Grosse Wolfenstein RPG - Cyberd --- I mean, Harbinger of Doom Wolfenstein 3D Classic (iOS) - A port of the classic Wolf3D game Wolfenstein: The New Order - General Wilhelm "Deathshead" Strasse (MechaDeathshead) Wolfenstein: The Old Blood - The Monstrosity (literally a freaking golem) Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus - Frau Engel

So...yep.

Ignoring the console/mobile ports and the multiplayer-only game, The New Colossus is indeed the first game of the franchise where you don't engage in a final boss fight of sorts.

And no, no matter how hard you pretend and try to say otherwise, the fight with the Zerstörer(s) does not count as a "final" boss fight.

"But it happens near the end of the game!". You know damn well what I'm talking about.

Are people afraid of boss fights now , or what?

Are people afraid of the challenge of a final boss fight?

Do you realize Wolfenstein is a first-person shooter game, right? And not only that: along with DOOM, Wolfenstein established the damn genre. Boss fights in FPS games are a must, and final boss fights are more than welcome.

So what the hell happened with The New Colossus? What made MachineGames go "nah, you don't need a legendary encounter against Engel to remember"?

I can't answer that question myself, but with this situation in mind, this is my small suggestion/proposal about how the final segment of the game could've (or should've) went:

The game tries to sell us the idea that Engel is a sadist, much like Deathshead was. I mean, of course it's a given considering that she's a damn nazi, but you get the idea. She treats her own daughter like shit, and she might as well won't give a damn about anyone else other than herself.

Now let's look back at how they initially planned the infiltration and assault to the Ausmerzer (the big ass flying nazi fortress) and how they planned the attack against her life.

- First they deactivated the system that enabled the nazis to locate and terminate any group of people trying to revolt. - Then they traveled to Los Angeles, California to the Jimmy Carver Show where she was invited.

Here’s when things change.

Once inside the studio, they attempt to kill Engel, but oh surprise! She manages to escape, not before she gets her forearm chopped by Blazkowicz. She manages to reach the rooftop of the building, and with her surviving hand, pulls a remote control and presses a button.

The Ausmerzer then proceeds to activate the BRÜNNHILDE protocol, a well hidden and fully autonomous defense system that only Engel knew of its existence, and drops a gigantic metallic box from the very inside of the Ausmerzer to the rooftop, almost causing the building to fall down.

Blazkowicz barely manages to stretch himself to the top, where the final fight will take place. It is then revealed that inside that metallic box there was an upgraded mecha/power armor of the original mecha that Deathshead used to fight you a long time ago.

And on top of that, the motherfucker can actually lift off and fly effortlessly!

Engel is now inside a goddamn flying mecha. Eat fucking shit Deathshead, they appropriated your plans and improved your own invention.

Engel yells: "Die, allied schweinehund!", and the final boss fight begins.

There's a good bunch of ammo in the rooftop of the building where you start, but you'll definitely need more, that's why in order to continue you must jump from one building to another to collect more ammo and weapons to fight her. And she's not alone, a good bunch of nazi helicopters start showing up and they start attacking you too!

Once you progress, the game will tell you that Grace, Horton, Fergus/Wyatt and Anya will help you fight her and the remaining nazis. And here's the fun part: excluding Anya, there is a chance that either one or all of them will die during the fight. Depending on which one survives, the final cutscene will change accordingly.

Anya cannot die because dammit, Blazkowicz has suffered enough, and I won't have her die in The New Colossus after all the previous mid-game shitshow.

In the first face you manage to fuck up her flying system, but in the second face she will activate an emergency backup which consists of kangaroo-like jumps from building to building, hoping to crush you like a cockroach.

After an intense battle, you deal a severe, lethal damage to the mecha, and it starts exploding with Engel still inside! She yells in extreme agony, and you stop shooting entirely.

Tired, Blazkowicz falls on his back, and during a small “flashback”, he's seen in a beautiful green field filled with flowers while a grown up Billie (the African-American girl from the early days of Blazko) and B.J.’s mother Zofia (visibly old) approach him and extend their hand to him. Blazkowicz does the same, but then he realizes it's Anya herself which is actually the one helping him stand up.

"It's over", Anya says, while embracing him. "It's done".

"No. It's not over yet". Blazkowicz mutters, as Anya stops hugging him, not knowing what he's talking about. Then she turns her back and sees what Blazkowicz was seeing this time.

A fatally damaged Engel, barely trying to get outside the mecha, dragging herself out of it.

"I hate you, William Joseph Blazkowicz!", she screeches. Anya hands Blazkowicz a double barreled shotgun.

"Take this. It's a gift that I forgot to give you on your birthday", she says. Blazkowicz nods.

Cutscene ends, and you're brought back to land the finishing blow on Engel, but all out of a sudden, she pulls a grenade out of fucking nowhere, pulls the safe.

"Oh...you are so gull---ghhhhhkkk!"

A cutscene plays. And you can't help but watch a flash of light while Anya jumps on top of Blazko, trying to protect him.

He opens his eyes, but the first thing he sees is not the aftermath of a grenade blast, but Sigrun brandishing your hatchet in one hand, and Engel's lifeless head on the other, chopped from her charred body, with a visible blow in the middle of Engel's face.

A tape starts rolling back (just like the one from the infamous mid-game scene), and you're shown how Sigrun was waiting for her mother to attack, as she lands a perfect hatchet throw on her face, while the grenade starts flying near Blazkowicz and Anya.

"Nazi scum", Sigrun mutters. Then she starts crying.

Back to reality, Blazkowicz and Anya are astonished by the scene, and approach Sigrun to comfort her. The surviving members of the Resistance do the same, and help her get back up.

"A dud", Sigrun says. "A what?" "It was a dud. The grenade was a dud that she always had on her to scare me."

(If Grace survived, she'll look at Sigrun, and then she'll hug her in the verge of tears).

Blazkowicz turns his back, and looks at the dud. He grabs it, and throws it near Engel's remains.

And then as he turns his back again, it explodes.

The team can't help but chuckle and laugh, as they start leaving the rooftop. Then the final cutscene of the original ending where they look at the main camera of the Jimmy Carver show starts playing with all the surviving members of the final fight...

The End.

I mean, you might say that my idea sucks ass, and fighting a "MechaAntagonist" again is a cheap and rehashed idea from the previous game, but you must admit that it's waaay better than what we got, which is basically pressing a button to win.

That was genuinely some God of War bullshit.

My decision of having Sigrun land the final blow on her own mother is to serve as the climax of her complete turnaround from her roots as a daughter of a nazi general to an ally of the Resistance, in all the proper goddamn sense of the word.

And also, rooftop fights will always rule no matter what. We need more rooftop fights in videogames dammit.

Thoughts? Comments? My inbox is open! As always, thanks for reading!

[multi-purpose-tool-guy]

9, Techienician!

comin right in with the angst eva, alright, i see how it is XD also this is 1.6k and kinda got away from me, sorry!! 

9. “Don’t you ever do that again!”

6:15pm, on the dot, Techie arrives at his apartment and walks his bike through the gate and into the garden. At approximately 6:22 he sits down at his desk with a hot tea, checks his emails. He turns on the tv, ready to settle into a few episodes of bake off until Matt gets home, sometime between 8:12 and 8:37, depending on traffic.

8:15, Techie opens his phone and goes through a few rounds of 2048, distracted. 8:25, he refills his tea.

8:34. He sends Matt a text full of silly emojis, an excuse to see if he’ll read it at a red light or something, and Techie will know he’s almost home.

8:46. Sent, but unread. He refills his tea again, adds more sugar than he normally does. He moves from the living room to sit in in the entryway, tucked against the window on the reading bench. A few more games on his phone until he can’t concentrate, checks the text. Still unread.

He opens the email app with a hurried jab at the screen. Maybe he had to stay late at work, his boss was always dumping work on him (or so Matt liked to complain). His inbox refreshes with a few junk messages, nothing from Matt. He refreshes it four more times, just in case. Maybe he was sending one now? He flicks on the notification sounds so he doesn’t miss it, he almost never has them enabled.

He’s probably stuck at work, covering any loose projects before the weekend. Most people slacked off on Fridays, and somebody has to get the work done, Techie thinks. But Matt would text him, let him know he was going to be late. He checks the text. Unread. They were going to order pizza tonight, they’d planned it, and their favorite place closes at 9:30.

Matt’s never been this late before.

At 9:01, Techie starts to worry.

He calls Matt’s phone and it goes straight to voicemail. He’d picked up a charger for Matt to keep at work when he found a Kylo Ren themed one at the dollar store, so his phone shouldn’t be dead. Something must be wrong.

He calls it five more times, Matt’s gruff leave a message, or whatever making his throat feel tight by the third time. He paces in front of the window, googles his work’s public number. It goes to the automatic answering service, directing any after-hours callers to leave a message. He doesn’t, hangs up, and checks his email again while he tries to get a handle on his breathing (which is suddenly very fast, short choppy breaths.

No new emails.

Text message still unread.

He sends a few more, trying not to let the clenched-tight-ness of his insides show through his words.

Hey! Heading home yet?

Should I go ahead and order the pizzas? Mushrooms and olives, right?

Matt?

He paces, holds his phone tightly in his hands. He triple checks that the volume is up, then he checks again. His tea gets cold.

At 9:42 he can’t breath. He checks online for any news of car accidents, doesn’t find anything. That could be a worse sign, what if he’s hurt or-or worse and no one knows? What if help doesn’t arrive on time? What if someone came into Matt’s IT office with a gun, like so many places he sees on the news? What if Matt’s phone is off because some horrible person shot it to bits when Matt tried to call for help?

The texts are all unread. leave a message, or whatever. No new emails. Our normal business hours are 9am to 8pm, Monday through Friday-.

9:45. Techie can’t breath.

He calls Armitage, because he doesn’t know what to do and Matt still isn’t home.

Armitage doesn’t answer. He calls again and again, leaving stuttery and tearful messages that are probably unintelligible anyway, and he can feel the scream building in his throat until he remembers. It’s his brother’s anniversary, with Ben, and they’re out to dinner right now. He told him about it, weeks ago, there are pictures of them dressed sharp and dreamy-eyed on his facebook feed, posted an hour ago. He sucks in a truncated breath, forces it out as smooth as he can. Tidge is busy, but he’s safe.

10:04, Techie loses the fight with his composure. Tears spill down his face, breathing chopped into pieces by hacking, high-pitched sobs. He pulls his hair, sinks to the floor. His phone is open on the floor near his foot, the only light in the room now dark with the blanket of night settled firmly in place. Message: sent. Unread.

————–

Matt slams his palm down on his steering wheel, the car’s horn blaring at the idiot in front of him taking a goddamn eternity to parallel park on a busy residential-adjacent street.

He’s late, really late, and his boss is an asshole. All he wants right now is to be out of this bullshit traffic, lose his pants and his stupid polo shirt, and have some pizza. He hopes Techie ordered ahead, he’s fucking starving.  

Finally, finally he pulls into the driveway and as the headlights sweep over the apartment he tenses. Techie is sitting outside, huddled on the front steps in one of Matt’s thicker coats, and he startles to his feet before Matt can even kill the engine.

He steps out, the car door groaning as he slams it closed. “Babe? What’s wrong? It’s cold as fuck out, what-”

“Don’t you ever do that again!” Techie shouts, or the closest Matt’s ever heard him get to doing so. He’s also– fuck, is he crying?

“I know, I know, it’s fucking- I’m really sorry, my phone-”

“You ca-an’t do that to me Matt, f-fuck, I thought you were dead!” Techie is trembling all over, Matt can see he’s not wearing shoes and his feet are pink with the cold. He chokes out a sob and Matt takes a step forward.

“Baby, what-? My dumbass boss let Cal and Rena take off after lunch and somehow forgot to tell any of us, and he strong-armed me into staying. I almost punched him Techie, I was really fucking close-”

“I called, I texted you,” Techie says to Matt’s shoes, quieter but hard, defensive.

“Right. Uh. I tried to argue with him and I got into it and I sort of…” He pulls his phone from his back pocket, shows techie the cracked and darkened screen. “I’ll replace it first thing tomorrow.”

He steps closer, right in front of Techie now, and he doesn’t back away but he doesn’t move forward either. That’s not a good sign.

“So you, you broke your phone okay, but. You could have sent an email, I kept checking…” He still won’t look at him. Matt puts his hands on Techie’s shoulders, rubs his thumbs in slow circles. Please look at me, they say, I didn’t mean to scare you.

“You’re right, I should have. I’m sorry, babe, I guess I just.” He takes a deep breath, turns his head to the sky, lets it out through his nose in one big push. He’s home, he’s with Techie, he needs to calm down. “I just wanted to get the work done and get home, as fast as possible. I’m an ass but my boss is a bigger one, I’m really sorry.”

Techie sniffs, loud in the crisp night air, and Matt pulls him close, wraps his arms around him. He feels Techie’s hands lift weakly around his back. That’s a slightly better sign.

“You just, you can’t do that Matt, I can’t… I can’t do this…” He’s mumbling into Matt’s chest and he huffs, annoyed. Does Techie thinks he scared him so bad on purpose?

“Tech, I’m sorry, but I literally had no choice. He made some smartass comment about cutting hours to people who ‘don’t pull their weight’, which is bullshit because I’m not the one who took a half day, but he’s got a complex and we have bills and shit.”

Techie takes a half-step away and meets his eyes fiercely, taking Matt’s face in his freezing hands. “I’m not mad at you for getting held over, I’m not- I was just worried, okay? I can’t shut my brain off, it doesn’t, it doesn’t work like that. It’s fine if you have to stay, if you’re late, you just have to tell me, okay?” He closes his eyes and takes a breath, sniffs again.

“Just make sure I know you haven’t been kidnapped or murdered, and I’ll be okay.”

He tries a weak smile up at him, and Matt is cold and hungry and still a little angry but he gives him a smile back.

“Okay, I promise. Scouts honor,” He holds up three fingers in muscle-memory, and then shivers visibly. “Fuck, babe, it’s freezing, why aren’t you wearing shoes? Let’s get inside.”  

Techie shivers violently as if his body is just remembering that it’s freezing, like his panic had been keeping him warm and was now ebbing away. Matt swiftly bends and scoops techie up into a bridal carry and he squawks, Matt’s parka bunching up around his face.

“I should probably carry you, y’know, so you don’t get frostbite.” Techie snorts and rolls his eyes, wipes his cheeks dry. They pass the threshold and Matt kicks the door closed, and he takes an investigative sniff of the air.

“Pizza?” He sets Techie down and rubs their noses together.

“No pizza, I had a panic attack for dinner.”

Matt groans and he kisses Techie’s cheek in apology, while privately his heart breaks. Techie had been making real progress dealing with his anxiety, winning lots of little battles, and Matt swore to himself then and there that he would never be the source of Techie’s pain, never again.

He pulls Techie into the living room, cranks the heater up, and orders Thai.

send me a pairing and a number! 

[01sentencereviews]

this bryan singer exposé (i mean, it’s not really an “exposé” since it’s been pretty well documented over the past several years that singer is a man who is not to be trusted…) has me reflecting a lot on my own experiences working in the industry…

(mind you: i’ve never experienced anything quite as dehumanizing or as abusive or as painful as the dozens of brave survivors of genuine abuse who have spoken out recently both publicly and privately. however, these stories are definitely and scarily recognizable, so please know i am in full support of every silence breaker.) 

i’ve been a PA on a network television show for about 15 months now, and while (thankfully?) the vast majority of my stress and occasional unhappiness has been totally “work” related, thanks to all the typical bullshit most people experience when they begin working full-time in entry level positions (constantly feeling undervalued, feeling pressured to enable and excuse terrible behavior simply because you’re “supposed” to, having to almost daily hear people tell you how “wrong” you are and point out the most minute of “mistakes” you make solely to make themselves feel better), i am very familiar with the type of behavior several victims are finally beginning to feel comfortable talking about publicly. 

i’m a gay 23 year old person (22 when i began working full time), who only began feeling comfortable being “out” once i finally  graduated from school and began working in the industry, finally feeling like a “real adult.” i’m apparently very young looking, which people, particularly older (gay) men, LOVE to point out… which makes me uncomfortable (tho, thankfully, i wouldn’t say any of them have “crossed the line”). the industry is clearly “open” when is comes to anything sex related, which, to be frank, was sort of exciting in the beginning because it was the first time i felt comfortable, “safe” being an openly gay person and talking about sex and men in any type of romantic or sexual way. that being said, i definitely see older man pry on younger employees, particularly young women. i selfishly and loathly recognize the juvenile positive response to having a more “important” person show interest in you, so i clearly understand why people put up with such inappropriateness. 

i’ve only had sex with one coworker. in an industry where this supposed hierarchy of people is so highly regarded and followed, he is obviously considered a much more “important” person than me within the production (granted, as a PA, everyone is technically “above” me and considered more “important” simply because “that’s the way it is”). he is older (the first time we hooked up, he was 30 and i was 22), and he did offer me drugs in the middle of the first time we were having sex. admittedly, this was a new experience for me and it confused me and even scared me slightly, but i was very thankful that when i said no, he didn’t try to pressure me whatsoever and never once asked me about it again. the experience was very much consensual, so i don’t want this to be literally compared with other people’s stories of assault and abuse. i was extremely lucky. we’ve hooked up one other time since and that experience was honestly very nice. i still really like this person, perhaps way more than i’d like to officially admit, to the point where it makes me sad to realize nothing will, or maybe should, result from these possible very one-sided feelings. 

i’ve been to industry parties where drugs are clearly prevalent and in abundance. i work in an environment where drugs are clearly being used during work hours. i mean, i’m no narc… but i do realize this isn’t “normal.” it’s very hard to explain… everyone in the industry is essentially “working” well over 50% of their conscious livelihoods. we’re at work constantly. at least 12 hrs/day. the work never “stops.” people, especially those in higher positions, need to always be thinking about the overall production because so much money ($$$) is always being spent at absolutely every level, and we all know how people react when it comes to money… it’s a LAX work environment, but a stressful one. i’ve seen grown adults (men) throw extreme and sometimes frightening tantrums, throwing objects and furniture across their offices, for something as rudimentary as the internet working slowly. i’ve know people who have been fired for sexually inappropriate behavior and for violence against other coworkers. we’re always encouraged to be a “family,” that we’re all in this together, but that clearly means people think they’re allowed to talk about whatever they want whenever they want with whomever they want. it’s exhausting. being around people for that long every single day is exhausting. i can easily see how people can become victims to such manipulative, inappropriate, and sometimes intimidating behavior from people who have zero issue with letting them know how much more “important” they are. at our wrap party last season, the underage actors were partying with us at two different bars. i don’t think they were “partying” in the same way the other adults were, but i also realize i was definitely under the influence while i was around them, and that makes me very uncomfortable in retrospect because i don’t feel like i should be in that state when i’m around teenagers. but at the same time, because they are cast members, part of the “family,” they are clearly expected to be there. 

the entertainment industry is one where everyone is expected to “grow up” immediately (one of the first things a coworker said to me on my very first week of work was that i had “a lot of growing up to do”), yet it’s also an industry where literally no one ever “grows up.” maybe every adult feels this way in this world. maybe it’s not just those that work in tv and film. but, either way, working in this particular industry, where my coworkers are constantly talking about these silence breakers and how they themselves are coming to the realization that their experiences with other coworkers sometimes mimic the experiences of the silence breakers, it’s hard to not be constantly reflecting on all of this. it’s overwhelming. it’s sad. 

i don’t expect for these stories of abuse in the industry to slow down any time soon. i think more and more “important” people will be “exposed.” it seems that most young people like me who are just now entering this business simply aren’t willing to put up with this bullshit. i’ve had my direct boss pull me aside multiple times now to tell me that i’m too “combative” in the office and need to literally dwindle myself, my newfound voice, in order to be considered a more cooperative, “better” employee. these conversations, while somewhat reflecting truth, are still nonetheless condescending and make me feel like literal shit. 

i’m very inspired by everyone speaking out. i think it’s brave and important and provides genuine hope for a better future. obviously, there’s some hypocrisy within the industry itself. obviously many celebs are jumping on board with this movement while still actively supporting literal predators. in some ways, i feel like i’m doing something similar by simply working in this current industry… but i refuse to stay silent. i find great confidence when i, a little, “unnecessary” PA, tell one of my “superiors” when they’re being terrible. i refuse to feel bad for telling adults, my literal peers, when they’re being shitty, mean, hurtful people. it’s important. it holds people accountable. i need to be even better at it. i promise to be even better at it, even if it potentially gets me fired. 

i feel like i’m not explaining myself well (do i ever?)… it’s all just A Lot to be saying…

no matter what, have a great night, everyone :) 

and thank you for reading. 

[jonguntitled-blog]

Warning -1

Sejin felt the cold metal beneath his bare thighs watching his friend apply the concealer along his protruding collarbone. He truly didn’t think he could be more thankful for Byeong’s presence in his life than he had been in the last week of their lives. Byeong focused intently on Sejin’s chest as he worked on blending the concealer skillfully into his golden skin tone, making sure there would be no trace of the unwanted hickeys remaining for his dance tonight. The lights of the stage were fickle and often betrayed the dancers they were intended to assist.

Byeong let out a quiet sigh before his eyes flicked up to Sejin’s warm brown ones, Sejin recognized the look beneath Byeong’s dark irises and he forced out a smile to his friend. “It’ll be okay, I won’t get in trouble, Byeong.” Sejin looked at Byeong through his thick lashes and Byeong breathed in through his nose before dabbing the concealer onto a sponge to begin to apply it to Sejin’s cheeks and work on his face makeup.

He hadn’t noticed the blossoming purple along Sejin’s left cheekbone until this morning when the two of them were sitting at their poor excuse for a kitchen counter eating breakfast. Sejin felt terror when he saw the look that flashed in Byeong’s eyes as they landed on the bruise that made its home on Sejin’s otherwise flawless skin.

“It’s no big deal.” He had whispered out to Byeong. But was met with a simple grunt of disapproval followed by Byeong getting out of his stool and slamming his plate into the sink, effectively shattering the glass. The white porcelain had scattered around the sink and even shot up to effectively slice small ticks into the tanned skin of his friend who ignored the sting as he stormed off to their shared bathroom to prepare for the day.  

Now Byeong was gently dabbing the concealer onto the purple mark with that same distant and angry look resting deep in his eyes. Sejin felt guilt settle deep in his stomach, he wanted to apologize for being so careless- for angering his client to the point that he had to be beaten to be taught a lesson. Byeong had taught him better. Thompson would be angry- if he found out that is. Somehow, the prospect of Thompson’s anger felt less threatening than Byeong’s disappointment right at this moment.

Before long Sejin’s makeup was finished- complete with concealer in all of the right places and he looked like new- even better he had to say. Byeong was always so talented at making both of them so beautiful and he was especially talented at making Sejin’s cheeks shine with that natural sunshine type highlight and glow, making his golden skin seem even more sun-kissed.

~

Byeong had just finished tying his tie around his bare neck, leaving his vest open to expose his lean chest when Thompson walked into their crowded dressing room. But like always Thompson made a beeline for Byeong and Sejin who sat in their own little designated corner of the dressing room. Sejin had still been styling his hair, the hiss of the hairspray drowned out Thompson’s first shout but Byeong had heard his second loud and clear- he was angry.

Byeong let out an exhausted sigh and ran slender, shaky fingers through his pink locks as his eyes raked over Thompson’s approaching figure. He gave the man a coy smile as he leaned against the counter where Sejin was still sitting at, watching their boss through the mirror. “Yes, boss?”

“Wanna tell me what the fuck happened last night? I got complaints from customers of both of you?”

Byeong raised his eyebrows in mock surprise and pressed his palms flat against the cool surface of the plastic counter, “Really? I thought I performed pretty nicely last night… huh.” Byeong raised one of his hands to his own chin, making a thinking expression before Thompson quickly slapped his hand away, clearly sick of the young boy’s attitude.

“Sejin’s customer didn’t even pay his bill and your’s shirked on his. You’re both doing private rooms all night tonight, don’t bother dancing tonight or for the rest of the week. Tips are mine for the rest of the month as well. I’ll pay you what and when I wanna fuckin’ pay you, do you understand?” Thompson didn’t even bother to stick around and hear Byeong or Sejin’s answer before he turned on his heel and left the still bustling and noisy dressing room.

Byeong let out a deep breath through his nose as he pressed his palms back onto the counter, gripping the edge of it with his fingers until his knuckles turned white. He was normally quite a timid person- never one to truly lash out but the last week had really pushed him over the edge. This morning was a rare occasion for him and he had apologized profusely to Sejin for acting out as he had. It took everything in his being to not repeat his actions in that moment for fear of scaring Sejin yet again in less than twelve hours. If Sejin hadn’t been sitting beside him he quite possibly would have given into his beast yet again that day.

~

“Go out there and scope out the rich ones- I need to recover my losses from you fucks.” Thompson had whispered harshly into the wavy pink strands of Byeong’s hair before storming off into the club. Byeong shot daggers into the man’s back and frankly wished he had some superpower that enabled him to shoot lasers from his eyes and obliterate the sleazy fucker right then and there.

Byeong fixed the vest he wore snug against his chest and sauntered onto the floor, he looked up at the dancers on the stage with envy wishing with everything in him that it was him who could have been up there- hips swaying to the music and eyes closed or perhaps locked onto the gaze of some lonely and horny man or woman who just wanted someone to look at them with a kind of hunger they longed for in their boring life. Just some kind of escape- but instead he had to become a sort of salesman for his body and then to give his body away so easily. It made bile rise in his throat at the very thought but this was his life and what the fuck else could he do really?

Byeong’s eyes went to the bar first before he would approach the floor- the floor was for the dancers. He didn’t want to take their customers or tips for the night, that wouldn’t be fair. Walking towards the bar he felt his heart jump and he was thankful he’d decided to check the bar first when his eyes landed on a mop of dark brown fluffy hair sitting towards the end of the bar- a glass of scotch on the rocks sitting in a large, pale and veiny hand. Byeong couldn’t help but quicken his pace as he approached the man at the bar.

~

Yoon turned to look at who the fuck had just put their hand on his waist to took him out of his lucid trance. He wasn’t drunk enough yet for people to be touching him- he wasn’t even on the floor- the strippers didn’t come over to the bar what kind of bullshit was this? His eyes landed on a mop of pink hair first and he was confused before they traveled down and were met with a pair of familiar dark- almost black eyes. They seemed narrow at first but he knew how truly big they could get. A smile spread across Yoon’s lips as he drank in the appearance of his favorite dancer, “Byeong-ah.” He hummed out in a sweet tone.

Yoon grinned seeing Byeong practically melt at the tone he used with him, the younger gave a shy smile as he moved to stand between Yoon’s legs leaning against his chest, Yoon’s hands finding purchase along Byeong’s hips. “Where have you been, Yoonbae-ssi?” He spoke to the older in Korean, like they usually did.

Byeong’s face was soon hidden against Yoon’s chest, breathing in the older’s scent, his arms draped around his neck as Yoon kissed his temple, “I’ve been really busy with work, baby. I’m sorry to worry you. Why aren’t you dancing tonight?”

The boy was quiet in his arms, instead of an answer Yoon felt him move his arms and felt the boy’s small hand wrap around his larger one pulling him off the barstool. “Will you come to a room tonight?” Byeong spoke low, pressing his body flush against Yoon’s. The boy stood on his tiptoes before speaking again so that his lips pressed against the shell of Yoon’s ear, “It isn’t on the house but if you pay very nicely for Thompson- I’ll make it so worth your while, Yoonbae-ssi.” A hand snaked down between them, pressing against Yoon’s crotch.

Yoon’s eyes went dark with lust, his pupils dilating at the tone in Byeong’s voice, like a switch having gone off inside the younger. He pulled back to look down at the boy, his eyes returning the same look and it took all of Yoon’s willpower to not shove him against the bar right there in that moment. He swallowed, hoping to get rid of the lump forming in his throat but was met with a fat tongue and an increasingly dry throat, “Yes baby, lead the way.”