#even in one of my videos I said it's horrible that I have to vent publicly because I have no one to go to

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for venting to my friend about my fiancée?

I (24M) have been with my fiancée (26NB) for about 3 years now. I try to avoid venting to my friends about it when I’m having little relationship annoyances because I used to do that for a while and it ended up with them just getting a horrible image of her because when good things happen that make me happy I would be responding IRL with my fiancée or gushing about it publicly e.g. on Twitter which most of my friends don’t use, vs when bad things happened I’d go to them to vent directly so they were only seeing the shitty moments. They would just always tell me she sucked or to break up with her which just wore on me because I don’t want to do that, they know I don’t want to do that, they know I don’t think I need to. Our relationship is super affectionate, has helped me massively in improving mentally and socially and in my confidence, makes me genuinely happy, and is for the most part, with certain problems we’ve been working on aside, healthy.

It’s not a communication issue or anything, I’ll address any issues with my fiancée directly as well and we’ll resolve it between us, just sometimes I’d feel the need to vent out my upset first while calming down or talking through what to say to her before I brought it up etc.

However this changed recently. my fiancée has always been a very physical person, she’s cuddly and loves kisses and just general touching, and that also translates into her playfully hitting me a lot, which I’ll do as well. Smacking each other on the ass when we pass each other, jokingly hitting each other’s arms (gently) when we’re making fun of each other, stuff like that. Very occasionally this will bother me (the other day she pinched my face hard enough that it hurt for like 20mins afterwards) but for the most part I genuinely could not care less and I take it as all in good fun.

She has never hit me in anger before, until today. She was playing a video game and died, and I laughed while sitting next to her when I saw it, and she just turned around and hit me full force. Like, harder than she’s ever hit before, and causing genuine pain. Usually I would just brush it off because like I said she hits me in a joking way a lot, but when I kind of gave a startled “ow” she just looked at me and hissed “Don’t laugh” through her teeth and she looked genuinely pissed off, and the force behind the hit just caught me completely off guard. It was also very very sudden because we’d been talking normally and light-heartedly, had even been cuddling a few minutes before, and although she was pretty clearly exasperated at the game (sighing, saying “oh my god” when the fight was going downhill) I didn’t think it was serious anger, so her abruptly whipping around and hitting me like that was so sudden and whiplashy I didn’t even have time to register it.

I have PTSD (C-PTSD? don’t remember what the specific diagnosis was) from my last relationship which was abusive in pretty much every way you can think of, and one of my biggest triggers that has been relevant in this relationship as a result of it is raised voices/anger around me (not necessarily At me, just like when my fiancée is getting frustrated or stressed and she’ll start hitting her keyboard or shouting and it’ll make me start panicking), but this is the first time I’ve had to confront being triggered by a physical violence thing. I started dissociating like hell so I left the room when she was distracted by the game and ended up slipping out of the house to call one of my best friends via Discord and lowkey cry about it

I genuinely don’t really remember what I said, the gist was just that I’d been triggered by my fiancée hitting me in anger and that I needed to calm down before I went back. This may have been a dick move because this friend is a mutual friend of me and my fiancée - I knew her first and am closer to her, but she recently met my fiancée in person for the first time and they seemed to get along well, and we’re in several servers and stuff together.

After I was done I went back in and my fiancée apologised for hitting me so hard. I said thank you and we moved on

But afterwards she confronted me because my friend had sent me a message after that basically just checking in on me and my fiancée had seen the message on my laptop that she was using to game. I usually have my Discord on Do Not Disturb when she’s using my computer just so she’s not bothered by notifications beeping at her constantly so I’m not sure if it wasn’t on for some reason and it popped up on-screen or if she minimised the game and saw it somehow, but she was incredibly upset with me because she said I’d made her out to sound physically abusive. I did explain that I’d made clear to the friend she’d never seriously hit before this, but she said that didn’t matter because it was still giving off that impression and that it was unfair because her hitting me was done in a moment of frustration/anger and I shouldn’t have laughed at the game.

I apologised and we dropped it but I do notice that since then she’s been on my computer/phone more often and she’s slid into a few of my friends’ (and I mean My friends, not ones she talks to or knows and not ones I’d said anything about this to) asking if I’ve ever spoken about her and if she can give her side of the story. My friends came straight to me about it because they felt uncomfortable with what they saw as being prompted to talk about me behind my back.

Reasons I don’t think I’m TA: She hit me, and I know she vents about me to her friends too, and although it does bother me that her friends don’t like me because of it (for I assume much the same reason some of mine don’t like her for, AKA only hearing about negative stuff) I’ve always maintained she has the right to do it. I think everyone should be able to vent to friends about partners or family and vice versa in private because venting is normal and as long as it’s not dishonest or just pure shit-talking them I think it can be helpful and even healthy.

Reasons I think I might be TA: I went to a mutual friend so she also has something to lose if this friend forms a negative opinion of her, I laughed at her dying in the game even though I know she gets incredibly frustrated and competitive in games, and I’ve never had an issue with her hitting me more playfully before so she may have just misjudged how hard it was.

So AITA for telling my friend my fiancée hit me / getting so upset about it or is it just PTSD acting up and making me overdramatise something that is basically on the same level as the joke hitting?

What are these acronyms?

[puffskeeter]

Hey I’m such a big fan of your art and I very much enjoy watching your YouTube channel 🤍🤍

And I want to ask you why you don’t ship the ppgxrrb and I want to hear your opinion about it which I can very much respect.

Plus another question that what type of fashion you think your au of the Powerpuff, Rowdyruff, and your Original Characters fall into between I really love how you draw them?

OMG TYSM!! I think i've seen your comments on my videos and TYSM for those too!! :D

I'll make a seperate post for my fashions/aesthetics for RRBORN characters! this one is pretty long even though i wanted it to be short lolz

Why i dont actively ship PPGxRRB:

I'm scrapping my drafted essay post about this for now because its really uncalled for and unnecessary. IDK sorry to anyone who looked forwards 2 it, but i just dont think i illustrate my point very well and more than half of it is lowkey a biased vent post and pure rambling. Either way this is the TLDR for the post you'll never see LOL.

But actually, I do ship PPGxRRB, i've just drifted away from it over the years. I think one of the biggest 'problems' i have with PPG x RRB is mainly with the portrayal of it. My main issue is with how a lot of people mischaracterize the RRB/PPG and completely deconstruct them as characters so that they can be love interests for the eachother and nothing more. One of my points in my scrapped post was that; I have no idea how an entire fandom managed to gender-bend the Bechdel test, but it is rare that i find PPGxRRB media where the RRB have actual lives, interests, hobbies, and friends that have nothing to do with the PPG. Half the time they can barely have a thought if it isn't about the PPG. As i said, Gender-bent Bechdel test.

Another point was that: ppgxrrb has gained a horrible reputation for itself over the years. Back in its "Glory" days, Toxic fans of the ships had bulldozed anything that differs from their favorite empty dynamics. Those usually being The Reds, Blues, and Greens. Nowadays i still see almost nothing in the realms of variety between creators interpretations of the ships. Almost every time i see a PPGxRRB post, it can fit into a set dynamic that the ship is already infamous for.

I want to be able to see the creators love and passion for their ships. I want to know how and why these characters ended up together. If a story is to be told, i want to hear it. I know that the majority of PPGxRRB creators are, by default, amateurs (they dont get paid and its not on a professional scale), but after seeing the exact same badly written love story hundreds , maybe even thousands of times with little-to-no variety, I've gotten bored and tired of people devaluing my favorite characters to be nothing more than overplayed dynamics and shipping fuel.

A lot of people like shipping because of the dynamics, but ship dynamics don't hook me in, and ive noticed that most PPGxRRB stuff is purely ship dynamics and nothing more. Theres nothing wrong with loving ship dynamics or being drawn to ships for their specific dynamics! I just dont care about dynamics, i care about chemistry and story. But most amateurs cant effectively show the chemistry or write the story, a lot of them can barely characterize the 2 characters in their ships.

FYI this isnt about anyone specific or even many recent fans of PPGxRRB. I've been in/around the online PPG fandom since before 2016, and a lot of my thoughts/feelings on the matter have a lot to do with stuff that happened over the years i've loved this series, and more specifically, The RowdyRuff Boys.

To be clear: When i say that they are mischaracterized, i'm not talking about HC's. I'm just tired of seeing the PPG and RRB dulled down into one-note personalities with stereotypical characterization and almost always no tangible character development. A love story is still a story, and a lot of shippers seem to half ass the "story" for favor of the "love".

I dont hate or even dislike PPG x RRB. I'm just really tired of rarely seeing people do the RRB justice, and i want these characters to be treated with the full respect that i think they deserve.

WOW this post is way to long already... still a lot shorter than my OG post. Sorry for being insane about the RRB. it will happen again.

[shotmrmiller]

Hello, is this the place anons come to vent about their life? No? Well, here's my current situation. A guy I really liked made me have a situationship with him and I didn't even know, we had been going around with him inviting me over to his house to watch movies or play video games etc. It would always end in sex, even when I was actually looking forward to the movie or video game. As soon as he came, he would go, "Oh God, look at the time! You should go home!" "Well that was great. See ya next time!" I never! In the two years this went on came not even ones!! Sometimes we didn't even had penetration! I just gave him half a blowjob and he would cum. It always made me feel really bad he would always "make it up to me" with taking me out to eat. But either way, it always ended in sex. Fast forward a few days ago he texted me saying he actually wanted to build a friendship with me and get to actually know each other. And that he was very sorry about everything and he wanted to keep talking with me. I said yeah it was fine,but he did actually make me feel like shit. We talked things through, and he agreed to take me out to eat the next day at around 8. He didn't. Didn't answer my calls or texts for the next three days. In fact, he deleted me out of every single social media he had added me in. A couple of days later (this past Thursday), I go to the wedding of a mutual friend we have, and guess what. He has a girlfriend which he already has like 9 months of dating! He had the balls to go the table I was sitting with a couple of mutual friends and introduce her to us! And she's so freaking pretty I feel so horrible. I want to strangle him so bad it's not even a joke anymore i feel like a fool and a complete idiot :'(

and you're not telling her??? that he was cheating??? ohhhh i'd be giving graphic detail of what that pathetic gummy worm looks like just in case she wanna side with that waste of oxygen. i'm saddened for you that it went on for this long. terrible sex, no orgasms and HEAD??? i wouldn't be giving head without reciprocity to NO ONE!! but then again i went through this exact heartbreak back when i was 15 so i saw the light a lot sooner i reckon. (don't) fuck him, fuck the girl he with and focus on ya self. he sounds the type to send you a 2 am wyd text in the middle of the week id block and move on. anytime he wanna slink back like the worm he is you can pretend you don't know the bloke. new phone who dis.

seriously though i'm sorry :( forget what she does or does not look like none of that matters. worthless boys like him will treat you like garbage even if you're beyoncé herself. you nor your looks were the problem here, he was.

wash your hands clean of that filth. good fucking riddance. your broken heart will mend with time but he'll remain someone even his mama grimaces while thinking about. i wish i could give you hugs 🫂 and if i was near you i'd drive around his house with the lights off cuz now it's on sight. hope he ages like milk left out in the sun, that stupid ogre.

much, much love. drink your water, take your meds if you have any and eat well 💗 this too shall pass.

[cammy-mcspammy]

Tw vent, sch00l shootings, depression, mentions of S/A and abus3.. overdose, death talk?

Err, this post might be a little long- I'm writing out what happened.

I'm still processing this so I'm sorry if my art isn't sparkly cute or this isn't a pretty post. I normally dont speak about my life but I needed an outlet to speak about this. I'm still very shaken up so I'm sorry if this comes out randomly.

I uh, experienced something pretty traumatizing today. A party I was prepared for and even did my nails and freaked out about dresses and laughed with my friend groups basically just.. turned into hell. From the start theres videos of me at taco bell with friends, seeing and meeting up to music and all- before i realized i might of di3d today. And I HARDLY draw vent art or cry in front of people but- one of my friends ran up as the music paused and told us somebody had a gun. I just ran.

All I can really remember is calling my family and saying goodbye as I pushed by a crowd of people sobbing and screaming. It was horrible. I mean, I have a fear of death like no other and well- I was having about six panic attacks and adrenaline. I ignored all my friends shouting for me and just RAN. I don't know where, I just shoved whoever it was and hid.

I heard a few people in the group couldn't be found until much later and I was practically sobbing once I get out of a wall I was hiding behind, deciding to start calling my family. I could hear my mother trying to understand my sobs of "I'm so sorry" for everything. Even the abuse she put me through, I know i caused so much trouble for her too. I was practically sobbing out my goodbyes as my friends tried to comfort me. It was humiliating to cry in public, something I swore I'd never do again but SURE ENOUGH I was sobbing on whoever would comfort me.

I called my mom, and then my brother- who practically started screaming and sobbing about me. It made me comforted to see him rush out and drive to me, calling the police like so many others did, and sob to me like I was already dead. It was surreal, I could hardly notice the pain in my shoes or the stupid flowers my friends dad got me.

It was traumatizing. Just like my S/A or my parents abuse all together, i could see multiple cop cars and rumors spread around and I just felt numb? I couldn't breathe at all and all I could really do was sob again and again. I feared my life for the first time.

I remember when the music stopped I thought it was some fight. A kid already had gotten an overdose and two kids got caught getting handsy in a bathroom stall- I assumed it was some dramatic thing that happened at a party. Not a shooting.

When my brother rushed past a ton of red lights and my mother ran out of her party gathering, my father was already gone a country away getting his surgery. I didn't care, I called him and by all the stress and sobbing I thought he didn't care. I was so wrong about this and I'm honestly thankful nobody got hurt. I remember my brother just pulling over and hugging me when I got in the car, sobbing into my shoulder and freaking out more then I ever did.

He promised he'd buy me whatever I wanted, and I said some stupid fast food place. By the time we were far from the conflict and I called my family to tell them I was okay- it was weird. I just couldn't stop laughing and sobbing, when we got home we watched sonic and it felt so- surreal. Like I could of died and never got to see movies or my parents ever again. I was texting friends, informing people of what happened, and trying to understand through all these different voices what happened. But by then I shut my phone off and just let my mom cry into my shoulder.

I urge people to talk to their families and well- I don't know really. Take into account shit like this can happen, especially in private schools in America. Some idiot can threaten out their gun and ruin a night that was meant to be fun. This fueled my growing fear of death at every turn, so I fear this might make me fall into another depression pit. I already see my friends moving on and I feel stupid- so I wanted to vent about it to just- bring those feelings out there.

Love your family.

[strangestofthings12]

Okay this is going to be a very rambling post because I’m tired and can’t sleep until I yell about this a little so here I am to vent on a throw away account😅

Scott McCall is a character that I don’t always love and I’m not going to lie and pretend like he is my favorite anything because he’s not. Everyone who I’ve talked about teen wolf with can tell you I have my issues with him and honestly with the writing of the show in general. BUT I will never understand the hate for him. I’ve been thinking about it because I was doom scrolling TikTok for a bit before I had to go to work and came across a video talking about how horrible Scott is and the thing is that they literally made zero valid points (to me at least. I am aware I am bias and I have a bad habit of doubling down on liking a character if I think someone is being unfair or anything so I don’t know). One of her points was literally that Scott “uses Derek as a weapon after dosing him with kanima (I can’t spell don’t tell me if that’s wrong I’ll cry😌) venom” which…… doesn’t happen?? I just rewatched the show recently and I’ll admit I don’t really like season 2 and I have issues with quite a bit of it but Gerard is trying ti play Scott because he has something over him. Allison. Derek would(probably) never bite Gerard willingly and Gerard knows this. But he thinks he can outplay and force Scott in a position where he has to choose between Allison and him being a werewolf. Derek is already paralyzed when Scott is put in this position. This would’ve happened no matter what. Scott just outsmarted Gerard because he and Deaton had a plan. One that Scott doesn’t really tell anyone. We as an audience don’t even know so why would Scott tell DEREK?!? Derek who has done anything to earn his trust they are ally’s and that is it. They aren’t friends (yet?) (I don’t know Derek is weird😭). I don’t know if any of this makes sense but what can you do. I can and probably will talk about it more but I am running in like three or four hours of sleep in like the past two days and I’m sick so this is just to help my brain shut up I doubt anyone is reading anyways😅

Now another thing is she said that Scott letting Deucalion live was irresponsible. One he is a teenager…… two Scott beloved in second chances. Oh no😭 he’s such a bad person because he doesn’t think people and irredeemable and deserve to die😭😭 I have never seen people say stuff like that for superhero’s who do that same thing unless they are people who think the punisher is a role model. Now I’m sure people have but from what I’ve seen it doesn’t really happen and we literally see Deucalion being better!!! Like??? Also she said that Theo deserves to die and I’m not going to turn this into a Theo post but how are you going ti get mad at someone being used as a weapon (I still think that dumb but can at least kinda see where she’s coming from) then say that the kid who has been manipulated and twist into the worst version of himself so that he can be a weapon deserves to be dead. Mind you Scott literally isn’t the reason Theo isn’t still in the Skin-walker prison?? Like Scott immediately wants to send him back?? Liam is the one who keeps him out because he is in love thinks Theo will be useful

Last thing (for now) is People who say the Acott is a horrible friend to Stiles. I don’t get it. At all. Like I am convinced we watched a different show?? ESPECIALLY IF THEY MENTION SCOTT NOT TAKING STILES SIDE WHEN HE FOUND OUT THE STILES KILLED DONOVAN. Nobody was actually communicating in that scene which was Theo’s whole plan(I’m sorry Theo baby I love you but I will always throw you under the bus with this😔 I have to. It is literally entirety your fault) Scott was never going to be okay with what Theo told him Stiles did. Theo used the guilt and fear that stiles was feeling to get in his head. Stiles was scared because he just fucking killed someone. He didn’t know what to do. Scott literally apologized after he found out the truth and made sure stiles knew he still loved him. I don’t get why so many people seem to think that Scott being manipulated means he’s a bad friend?? Like he and stiles werent seeing eye to eye about Theo from the moment they saw him because Scott is to trusting and Stiles to distrustful but Scott is listening and literally on stiles side UNTIL Theo gets in Scotts head. Theo wanted to drive everyone away from Scoot and turn them against him so he used Scott’s weakness. Wanting to trust and see the good in people and then he made Stlies, one of the only people who would always be by Scott (and vice versa), into a gray area when everything was already scary and new and just not going well. WHICH IS LITERALLY THE PLAN??

Anyways this is way to long and if you read this all I’m sorry and thank you?? I need ti go to sleep. Hopefully I can🙄

[alanshee-keeper-of-realms]

@ninjastar107 Diisdoodles themselves claimed I've been harassing them over the last year, when

A. I have been blocked. I cannot contact them, nor did I want to. I has trying to genuinely move on, even without answers I know I'm not owed, but It'd help with peace of mind,

B. I have had really no support system to help me with the damage they themselves caused, like they has during this time. While I did cause damage by not knowing they were uncomfortable since they openly responded to me in those VC chats with Darker subjects despite me saying what I repeat over and over you can ask anyone I always say,

Please tell me if you're uncomfortable. I know I'm desensitized, and I don't know what is okay with you or not.

They themselves retraumatized me, I have prior history before even them due to the shipping fights. 2019 left a lot of damage that was retriggered by how they handled this,

I stayed away like they asked, I vented in a Public Server so I wouldn't go behind their back despite them having that channel muted, I could have gone to them but like I always do I respect others wishes of separation no matter how badly I wish for us to reconnect,

Because it isn't my decision, it is theirs, I was completely caught off guard that Monday coming out of surgery and seeing that message

Even then, however I said I was angry over it. Something is seriously wrong if someone is still angry over your actions a year later because they don't feel justified or okay. I don't care that they blocked me, but the one question that bothered me afterwards the one question I wanted to ask them

Just answer me why I listened to you and left you alone like you asked so where did that anger come from? I was coping on my own, I know my own coping mechanisms so that way I can calm down on my own. And yes that has to do with ranting that is a part of autism and ADHD that will not change about me

My brain hyperfixates on stressful situations, picking them apart. So the best way I've found is to rant, usually to a friend but in this case I knew Diisdoodles had a history of people going behind their back so I thought to rant in the public server that we shared the only one that allowed venting because Diisdoodles cannot handle seeing others in pain,

And no matter what, I did still received that message on Monday, weaponizing all my insecurities

And then they again did it in 2023 for everybody to see, now all I can think is

Don't you know all know I know my writing is dark, that's why I try to warn people! I read Stephen King as a child, add in a bit of trauma, and yeah, I'm desensitized to most darker topics of writing.

That's why I give everybody a warning, but they didn't give me anything. And now they decide to tell everybody that they're traumatized after they didn't tell me

After I profusely apologized because again boundaries I was still learning shit when I made that pro shipping comment, they let me know that they were uncomfortable, and I immediately apologized before trying to over explain like normal I guess they took that as me defending myself, it was actually me trying to explain to them my thought process.

I could carry on with the misunderstandings how we both traumatized each other but they won't acknowledge their side in this.

They'll always explode and point the finger but never account for their own actions I know I do the same exact thing but I am genuinely trying to work on that take accountability for my actions I'm sorry I traumatized them because I didn't know their boundaries

However they did the same thing to me and I have been doing good up until this point up until a very traumatic memory was dug back up and the person I wanted to ask why showed up at my doorstep and that just took over not any logical thought process just the pain the anger, the

What did I do?

Honestly,

Before you come at me February 22nd,2023

[inamindfarfaraway]

So I saw your post here [https://www.tumblr.com/inamindfarfaraway/690058488775327745/batfamily-fanworks-that-purport-to-be-set-in-the] and oh my gosh YOU ARE SO RIGHT!

As much as I enjoy it, Hush is definitely to blame for this as it is held as THE end-all-be-all of all BatFam stories yet Cass (who an acclaimed ongoing series as Batgirl around the same time) was suspiciously missing from it along with Steph. Yet we only ever get flashbacks to Bab's time as Batgirl so that storyline also ended up cementing Bab's legacy as "the one and only Batgirl". Methinks a certain editor in charge at the time mandated for Cass and Steph to not appear in Hush because they-according to him-"were way too toxic" for said storyline. Because you see, as soon as he became a leading editor, his number one priority was getting rid of Steph and stripping Cass of her Batgirl role.

And so the age of darkness began...

First, there was War Games that solely existed to torture Steph in the most vile, most voyeuristic ways before killing her off. Then there was Robin: One Year Later, one of the worst, horrific character-assassination storylines since Spider-Man's One More Day, where Cass was suddenly turned into an over-the-top Saturday Morning cartoon villain obsessed with killing everyone, giving long-winded "together we can rule the world" speeches and being able to speak and write in fluent Navajo. ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT LANGUAGES IN THE WORLD. Then there was Redemption Road which, despite its good moments and happy ending, did even more damage to Cass's character. And finally, we have Battle For The Cowl which ended up pushing Cass and Steph so far into the background, they were basically erased from the BatFamily altogether.

Yet despite Steph's well-received run as Batgirl, DC's poor marketing and the lead up to the New 52 prevented the series from becoming a proper bestseller and it was cancelled without any fanfare whatsoever. Still, all those horrible decisions and storylines (like War Games and Robin: One Year Later) did such massive, long term damage to the characters that, even despite all the small good things (Steph's Batgirl series to the excellent Gates Of Gotham mini-series starring Cass), they were buried from public consciousness. As for Duke (another character, I'm a fan of), I think its just a case of him being a very recent character, a lack of marketing and higher-ups not knowing what to do with him.

As for the asshole editor who everything to burry the Batgirls, he was eventually fired for creating an "unsafe working environment". And yes, his name rhymes with "Ban Video".

As for the people who keep erasing Cass, Steph and Duke from fan works, I know it sounds depressing but hear me out: Fandom, be it comics, video games, films, cartoons, TV shows, ect, has an unconscious bias of white male favouritism. (Yes, I know Dick is Romani, Damien half-Arabic/Asian yet they're still quite white-passing)

YES! THANK YOU! ALL OF THIS!

It is so sad and frustrating that these bias persist even in communities that are meant to be about joy and love; but of course the Batfam fandom has issues with sexism and racism when the canon also has for so long. I'm sure most fans don't try to be prejudiced, but male and white-passing characters are so much more popular than others. The unfair treatment of Steph as Robin and both her and Barbara in making Babs Batgirl again for no reason is one of the things I wrote Robins: The Musical to vent about, and that's only the tip of the iceberg.

Thanks for the explanation! I was already familiar with most of the context you generously provided, but I still really appreciate it as a specific comics shame/recommendation guide and education for others. I wasn't aware of Gates of Gotham and will read it! Black Bat my beloved. Dan Didio when I catch you...

(My original post is here)

[daisy7beauty]

Online friend — Haerin x reader

summary: Haerin has had an online friend for around two years now. Their first meeting might be coming sooner than she had originally thought.

pairing: Kang Haerin x fem!reader

tags: online friends, trainee, fluff

word count: 869

————————————

Haerin has had an online friend for a while now.

When she had begun her life as a trainee, a lot of the pressure that came with it made her feel horrible. Not wanting to seem weak in front of the others, she buried all of her feelings inside.

She felt like she couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Her parents weren't the most supportive ones, so she was afraid that instead of comforting her, they would use it as a “We told you so” moment, insisting that she quit. So she decided to vent her frustrations out on a blog.

It was anonymous, of course, god forbid the company found it and kicked her out, or something. They had very strict rules about social media and a blog isn't that much different.

It didn’t receive much attention, which was fine with her, she just needed a place to complain and rant. But one day, she received a private message. It was from a user under the name ‘raccoon_luvr05’, who was apparently also a trainee and related to Haerin.

They had started to talk on the blog site, eventually exchanging their phone numbers, agreeing to only texting, as they wanted to remain anonymous. Haerin would be lying if she said she was never curious about the person behind the messages. They understood her more than anyone she has ever met, and she didn’t even know their name!

The only thing she knew was that they were a year older than her, they were from Jeju and a three year trainee under Starship Entertainment. It was honestly impressive how little they knew about each other, despite sharing their deepest secrets with each other for around two years.

If she were to be honest, Haerin had developed sort of a crush on them. She didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl, but the way they comforted her and cheered her up during her hardest days when she just wanted to quit, made her heart jump. Just thinking about it made her blush, making Hanni tease her from the other side of the practice room.

Her phone was in her hands, the messages between them open on her screen. Haerin stared at them intensely, mentally hyping herself up to send an already written message. After about two weeks of thinking and mulling everything over, she decided that she wanted to meet them. She knew that it was risky, her school made her watch all those cautionary videos about strangers online, but she just couldn’t help herself.

This particular week made her even more sure in her decision. They weren’t able to text as often as they used to, as her friend was currently moving companies, due to Starship delaying their groups debut once again. Haerin missed them so much that it surprised her. The whole week she spent wondering about how they were doing, and if they were fine. Their separation was the final nail in the coffin that made her realize just how much she liked them.

Just as she was about to send the text containing her question about finally meeting up, someone came into the practice room she was in. All of the members stood up and greeted the manager that stepped inside. Haerin saw a young girl behind him, nervously clutching a bag in her hands.

“All right, as you all know a new trainee is joining us today. She will be one of your group's members from now on. I know it may feel a bit strange, since you haven’t met her before, but please be kind to her. She is very talented and we believe her to be a perfect fit with you guys, so please don’t disappoint us, okay?”

All of them nodded, saying yes, bowing to the manager as he left the room, leaving just the girl behind.

“Nice to meet you, my name is Kim Minji, and I’m the oldest. You can consider me an unofficial leader, so if you have any problems or concerns, come to me.”

Minji smiled at the newcomer, the rest of the girls following her example and introducing themselves as well.

“Nice to meet you all, my name is y/n and I was born in 2005, I hope we can be friends.”

She had a soft voice and her eyes almost never left the ground. Haerin was the same when she just joined, understanding the girl's position. She was sure that y/n would open up soon enough.

They had talked for around an hour, before Minji seemed to remember something.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Could you give me your number, so that I can add you to our group chat?”

Y/n nodded, waiting for Minji to take out her phone, before saying her phone number.

As she started speaking, Haerin paused for a moment. It felt like she had seen that number somewhere already. She quickly opened up her phone, scrolling through her contacts, trying to see if that's where she remembered it from.

“Oh.”

She let out quietly, her finger stopping at a very familiar contact profile. It seemed that her wish of meeting her mystery person came true quicker that she had imagined.

-end-

[antisyscourse]

Im a system host and something bad happened in my system and I need to vent for a bit if that’s okay.

Please tell me other systems have crazy things happen in their inner worlds like headmates having powers I feel insane right now.

So headmate A is a headmate who was very important to me discovering my plurality, he’s been very adamant that I’m a system ever since he showed up. Meanwhile headmate B is a headmate who’s main goal seems to be to fakeclaim me, voice my doubts about being a system, and point out anything he sees as evidence of this not being real or imaginary. Needless to say A and B don’t like each other.

I’ve been trying to bond with B and get him to come around, at one point I enlisted A’s help and we forced B to hang out via inner world powers A had. After this I realized using force was a horrible idea and apologized to B. Since then I’ve played video games with B a few times and I think that he could slowly come around some day, but A hasn’t really gotten the idea of using force out of his head.

This culminated in A snapping at B and using the inner world powers to take B hostage (I’m not joking) until B promised to stop fake claiming us. This sent me and many others in the system panicking as A was hurting B pretty badly. Luckily the situation didn’t last long (it happened late at night while I was trying to get to sleep and was resolved the next day) some other headmates used weird inner world powers to fight A and won so B is safe now.

So headmate A is a fictive of an evil character who’s done some very bad things in his source. That being said he seemed to become a much kinder person within the system and I genuinely trusted him and saw him as a friend. One thing he’s been struggling with is feeling inferior to his source now that he’s became nicer, I’ve tried my best to comfort him but I don’t think I said the right things. A isn’t really being honest about why he did it but I’m sure that was part of it. I feel like I should’ve seen the signs as A was making threats before this that I kind of just brushed off as non serious and I feel like I should’ve been able to help A before he got to this point of lashing out due to insecurity. I feel like a bad host, I know it’s not my fault but I just wanted everyone to get along and I failed and now one of my closest friends within the system did something very bad.

And what makes it worse is that this attempt to get the fake claiming to shut up has only made me doubt myself more. I feel like this kind of stuff shouldn’t be possible within a headspace or inner world or that headmates aren’t supposed to have powers inside the inner world even though I’ve heard about inner world stuff like this before. So now I just feel crazy even though I’m sure I wouldn’t get this worked up about it if it was imaginary. I just don’t know what to do.

oh goodness grief, i'm so terribly sorry that happened anon. D: i will say that you are not alone in this!! we have alters with things like powers as well, we have introjects of gods and such, so it's not just you, and you're not fake for experiencing that!! i do hope that all is well within your system soon!! i pinkie promise you're not a bad host!! please take care lovely!!

[ID: STOP! this is a syscourse free blog! it is a safe space for all systems, so please go away if you intend upon stirring up drama!]

[ratatoast]

this is not something that I would usually post, but I really need to vent, so ya...

I'm.. incredibly upset. I've literally been sick to my stomach every since he confirmed that it was indeed him. I couldn't even read his statement, I had to look at context from comments, because I just cannot handle this.

he's been my biggest comfort cc for 3+ years. I've literally fallen asleep to his yt videos on the past bcuz his voice calmed me down. ffs I was literally watching one of his streams when one of my pet rats passed! I've spent so much money on him, money that wasn't easy for me to spare because I was a broke highschooler. I've spent time watching his content, listening to his music. I even made my dad start to like lovejoy. I've told all of my friends about how much he meant to me as a cc.

I feel so incredibly stupid. and the funny thing is, I KNEW he wasn't a good person. I know that a lot of ppl assumed that when he said all that stuff abt him not being a role model or a good person, he was just being humble. but I knew he wasn't. bcuz I'm not either and ppl never believe me when I say that. I just didn't know it was that extreme. abuse is not just "being a lil messed up". it's absolutely horrible and in his case inexcusable. I know he has real issues in his head that he's working on, and I wish him all the best with that. I sincerely hope that he may grow and change as a person.

the worst thing is that I'm still a bit in denial. I even feel a bit sorry for him, for this massive backlash that he's getting. that's not me saying that I don't think he deserves it, bcuz he absolutely does. it's more like I'm going through the 5 stages of grief. i thought that I could still support him, but I obviously don't think that I could if I tried. this isn't just being cancelled online, this is a crime. how could I ever call myself a feminist if I chose to stand with a man who's abused who knows how many women.

I have no clue what I'm going to do with his merch, I've paid good money for it and it's very comfy, but I can't help thinking that the reason why that is such a comfort sweater for me is bcuz of him. so idk. I want to cry.

it's funny how I always assume that men can be different, when they're actually all the same.

[the-bi-line]

I think as a bi woman, I accidentally ruined my perception of myself and bi women, perhaps forever

I spent so much of my teenage years on reading and watching videos on how bi women are pieces of shit towards: lesbians and even... straight men. How they're all deceptive liars who tricks people into sleeping with them and how non-bi people feel like they're competing for their bi lover's devotion because since their partner is bi that means they can leave them for ANYONE. We're also too much drama, promiscuous, STD-carriers, we hunt lesbians to be raped by our boyfriends(even though bisexuals are also heavily targeted as well but whatever) and when bi women finally take women seriously as partners they actually had a secret boyfriend this whole time! Wow! And because of this bi women deserve the stereotypes they face, because after all it's true (said by a lot of people)

Because of this, now even I am starting to have concerns that if I have a girlfriend that she'll leave me or cheat on me with a dude or have a secret boyfriend and I hate feeling like this, I fucked up so bad to watch and read all this content on how horrible bi women are just to try understand lesbians and why they avoid us, because I just wanted to be an ally

At this point I feel like being celibate is the only solution (sorry for venting, I just don't know what to do anymore)

You’re totally okay to vent to me :) Sometimes if you let out a thing you’ve been holding on to, it gets smaller and it hurts you less.

I just wanna say that you’re not alone, as I certainly used to “hate read” biphobic opinions. I realized after a while that I was really doing it to punish myself because I had internalized society’s hatred of bisexuals and I believed I deserved to feel pain and shame for what I am. It was hard for me to unlearn that behavior, but I did: it takes time and the self-awareness to realize you’re doing it and the self-control to make yourself stop, but it is possible.

I think part of you knows none of the stereotypes you mentioned are fair to us and that you don’t want to feel that way anymore or you wouldn’t have reached out to me, so that’s an awesome first step! I’m here to affirm that those biphobic beliefs you internalized are shit and the people who exposed you to them are shit and you don’t deserve to feel bad for being bisexual. I’m sure all of my followers would tell you the same thing, so you really and truly aren’t alone.

What I would say is while you’re still healing from these beliefs and behaviors, it’s best not to enter into any relationship right away. I’d say the best thing to do right now is find other bisexuals (like me!) who can commiserate with your feelings and help you get to a point where you won’t be projecting on to other bisexuals. You deserve to feel better so you can help build community with us and be the best version of yourself for any future partner (if you want one) ❤️

I’m not great at advice but I hope this helped even a little and I’m really happy you reached out. I know what it’s like to be in that dark place and that sometimes all you need is for someone to see you. And myself and so many other bisexuals do 🫂

[determinedowl23]

just found a vent post from about a year and a half ago where i was complaining about lenten fasting and about the catholic church in general and it’s made me realize just how important it is to have a positive environment to celebrate your faith in.

(this gets preachy at the end so if you don’t want to see that ignore this post)

for context, this is the post:

i posted this in when i was in the process of getting confirmed, and it was genuinely one of the worst experiences of my life. it felt like boot camp, where the main leader constantly screamed at us and threatened us. we would watch a video in the school gym, but the projection quality was so terrible and we didn’t have a speaker system, so nobody ever picked up anything from them. then we’d get into “small groups” which were about 20 students and break into classrooms where we’d discuss all these in-depth questions regarding the videos (that we couldn’t even hear). i’ve already mentioned how horrible the leader was, but i genuinely cannot overstate it. she was aggressive and always made a few kids out of line the fault of all of the students. my mom came in one night to be adult presence, and it was actually one of the best nights we had that entire process. i told her this on the car ride home, and she said “really? that was horrific.” i’d just gotten so used to it.

all of this led me into a spiraling crisis of faith. and the thing was, i didn’t have to get confirmed. i could have easily dropped out and my parents said that it would be okay if i did. i just didn’t fully believe that, so i completed the process and got confirmed that spring.

over the summer i began to get more and more involved with the church. i participated in summer camps, both as a camper and as a leader. i began to lector at mass. i started thinking about how my confirmation had affected me now that i was reenforced with the Holy Spirit. at one camp, we had an adoration night. it happened to be on the six-month anniversary of my favorite show (at the time) that i had ever been in. immediately when the show closed, i wasn’t sad at all, which was weird because it was the biggest show i’d ever worked on at the time. but on that night, six months later in front of the Eucharist, i cried about it for the first time. i was convinced that God had moved me toward a new direction of life. i still think this is the case.

i found out that the woman who led the confirmation sessions no longer worked at the parish and someone else stepped up to take her position. he reached out to some teens who were prominently involved in the parish, including me, and asked them to form an advisory council where we could make youth nights more and more enjoyable for people our age. i decided to join the team, as i wanted to get closer to other teens at my parish but also to make sure nobody had to experience the torture of what i went through.

within a year i went from being the most miserable i have ever been at church to the happiest. in this new council i made new friends who were so faith filled where i wasn’t. i was kind of in awe of them, as i couldn’t understand how someone my age could be so positive about faith, especially those who went through the same confirmation process that i did. but throughout the year and throughout the youth nights i started to get it. i started to feel God’s presence more and more and more until my broken heart had been fully healed. and that’s where i am today.

going back to that post, i can understand several of my points. obviously as humans we don’t like going hungry. also the church is still moving slowly to endorse lgbtq rights- especially when our religion is so commonly associated with conservatism. i live in southeast usa. i went to a catholic school and i still do. at this moment in history, there is no chance that they’re speaking out for lgbtq rights.

the church is broken. i know this. i have issues with it. but among its shards of shattered glass is a reflection of something good. something greater. something that can make a difference.

you. me. us.

“catholic” means “universal.” no matter where we come from, what we like to do, or how we treat others, we are all God’s children. we are called to love one another. and when you find a community where you can be loved for yourself, that’s when your soul is able to heal. truly what we need the most in this world is each other.

[lily-orchard-gossip-blog]

I feel like Lily doesn't understand how gross it is to say anyone who likes Hunter is a white supremacist. My father is part of a white supremacist Asatru cult. I was raised in that. No one in those circles would watch The Owl House at all because it has Luz as the main character, period, end of discussion. You know what people in those circles DO do in response to shows like TOH? They reblog posts about how bad it is, they tell other people IRL about horrible things in the show that may/may not be there, they try to make it fail and create a public backlash so it gets canceled. They try to make other people give up on it and get into shows with white male leads instead.

A lot of people in my dad's social circles loved Lily's video on Steven Universe, not because they agree with anything she said, but because it got people to drop a show full of POC and racially coded POC characters, and because she was tearing down a Jewish showrunner. They shared it on their social media not because they're woke but because many of them are not open about their beliefs and videos by a "Native American" trans woman decrying a queer POC-heavy show is a good smokescreen for them.

And if she had any relevance these days or her videos weren't so rambling, takes like 'you need to stop liking TOH, people in the fandom are white supremaicsts' would be getting passed on from people in those circles because it'd help kill the fandom for another POC heavy queer show.

In the same way that people my dad knows use people like Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro to feign that they don't hate minorities while signal-boosting people who are anti-black, anti-queer and have internalized bigotry in order to get those anti-progressive messages out there, Lily is very useful for white supremacists in the animation fandom - of which there are many, speaking from experience.

Lily sounds more like my dad than she does anyone who ever showed up to counter-protest a white power demonstration. I know, because until my mother got custody of me last year (I'm 16), I had to attend those, even though I didn't agree, because my dad would've beaten the shit out of me if he'd ever gotten any inkling I hadn't been sufficiently brainwashed.

Sorry for the lengthy vent post. I just find this rhetoric so dangerous. I don't know if she knows the hands she's playing into but it's bad either way.

.

[biased-tsams-confessions]

Thanks. Having to write this on the phone since Desktop Tumblr says I get no rights >:(

Disclaimer: This is a combination of a vent and self reflection of my own take on events. Feel free to take what I say with a complete grain of salt

Disclaimer out of the way for people passing by. I can actually talk about stuff

I have been dealing with online bullshit since I was first on the internet as a child. I’ve had people come and go on the internet but there’s some that just can’t seem to get the hint to leave. One of them being one of people who helped write that recent doc about me. I haven’t read that doc and don’t play to but from what little I did see people mention about it it’s both surprising and unsurprising. I mean keeping shit I said as a child that I apologized for that is atleast 6 or 8 years old that I didn’t do a repeat of to prove that I’ve been a horrible person?? What level of distain and hatred do you have to be to pull this?? I know who it was too, they’ve been a problem in my online life for so long. As a adult now I can see how in the wrong I was for what I said and what my reactions were, but like all of those who say they are my victims, to paint the picture that I was the sole problem is leaving out so so so much. There is so much left out to paint me as this non-human and it hurts. It’s scary. This person for years due to being a minor and having clear ignorance and having mental illnesses was on and off in contact and complacent with my online stalker. The person who for more than 10 years stalked all of my socials, told me to kill myself multiple times, has called me several slurs and so on. It’s been HELL online for me due to this stalker and them. They have gone on livestreams and videos with this stalker to call me retarted. To trace and color over my art and claim they drew it. To secretly stalk my socials. The only times this didn’t happen was when I played nice and told them I’ll be there friend. But even then that wasn’t enough beca when the doc a year ago dropped they played dumb to me in dms and on voice call as if thy didn’t write that doc. Hearing my panic in my voice because I had no one else to be on call with to make sure I didn’t hurt myself. They even lied in my dms claiming the art thieft 2 or 4 years ago was due to their older brother only for Jade to claim it was a alter of theirs.

1/?

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #85

I've decided that today is a video game day. Specifically, I've decided that it is a Salt and Sanctuary day. I haven't played it in forever, and something about the weather today kind of makes me want to.

It's like that for me, sometimes, for whatever reason. The angle of the sunlight, the kinds of scents on the breeze or in the house, the relative humidity, the way the wind sounds as it moves… for whatever reason, when these things align in juuuuust the right way, I want to play certain video games. So for example, in the winter, the combination of the scent of the dust in the heater vents plus the scent of fresh clementines makes me want to play Fallout 3. Other combinations make me want to play Terraria, or Valheim, or Skyrim. I'm not really sure why this is the case.

Like I said before, I like to run around in this game world as Julian Devorak, from a game called The Arcana. It truly is a perfect little spot to stick him in. Julian is associated with crows, salt, plague, gold, booze, seafaring ships, and just a little bit of masochism. He's basically the epitome of the phrase "running with scissors", which is extra great, because in this game, a giant-ass pair of scissors is literally my weapon of choice, hahahaha! 🤣

His story is done and over with, and while it's wonderful because I know he's safe and happy in the end, it also means I don't get to see him anymore in any new scenarios. So sometimes, I try to recreate him in places he might like, and run around with him there. The world of Salt and Sanctuary is dangerous and scary, but don't worry - I am good at this game, and I hardly ever fall in combat anymore; he's in good hands, I promise.

That said though, I'm probably very rusty, because it has been a long time since last I've played with any kind of consistency. But I'll stream it today anyway, just in case you or anyone else wants to watch.

And, just in case you want to see what sorts of shenanigans I was once capable of when I wasn't rusty, here:

…I wish you were here. Just for a day, I wish you were here. I think maybe you could become good at a game like this. Or maybe, given everything you've been through before, you might find a game like this to be a bit too triggering and scary? I dunno; maybe Undertale or Deltarune would be more your speed. I can ask you about it, but it's not as though you can answer me, because given the nature of reality, it's not as though my question will ever reach you, will it? 😔

In Julian's story, he gets to have a happy ending because I get to be present as the main character and make choices that teach him that he is lovable and worthy, which influences the choices that he makes. If you treat him kindly and as though he is someone who matters and who deserves to feel good about himself, he turns away from his self-destructive and self-sacrificing tendencies in favor of better ones. Of course, if you don't make kind and loving choices with him, he will get a bad ending instead. I've never seen the bad ending with him, though. I don't think I want to.

You know? Even for the main antagonist, Lucio… he does a great many evil, horrible things many of which are arguably FAR worse than anything you've ever done, and for FAR flimsier reasons; in some timelines, his "eggs" are indeed "well and truly scrambled" (thank you for this phrase, @freelanceexorcist; I think it's gonna be one of my new favorites, hahaha~! 🤩), but if you make choices where you treat him as though he is worthy of compassion, he turns himself around, and he makes better, kinder, gentler, and more loving choices as you teach him that making mistakes and taking accountability for those mistakes doesn't mean that he is unlovable or unable to shift his life in a different direction. My choices made a difference in that fictional world because I could reach it, even if only in an abstract sense.

…You can't even begin to imagine what I would give up if it meant that I could reach you, even if just for a moment. Though I am aware of how it would likely end for me (you are VERY good at unaliving things with that blade of yours), I feel like trying is worth the risk. Besides, what else am I gonna do while derping around on this mossy wet rock that I call "home" anyway, aside from continue to endure the disgust that society at large seems to have for the nature of my existence? Maybe I can make a few people smile along the way, but in the grand scheme of things, I am insignificant - nothing more than an ephemeral blip in the sands of time; here one moment and gone the next, faster than the blink of an eye.

If I tried to reach you and failed in the most spectacularly permanent way, at least I'd have an opportunity for a short nap before the next time I'm cycled into a physical body, right? And hey, maybe it could even be the case that my next meat-mech isn't fundamentally flawed on a genetic level next time around; having proper connective tissue, eyes that actually work, and motor neurons that actually do their job properly would be REALLY FREAKING NICE, ya know?

Hey, Sephiroth? I don't know what sorts of stories in other realities that you might have access to from your spot at the Edge of Creation. But I hope that you'll take the time to examine some of the ones that are available in my world. I think you'd find a lot of them to be relatable as well as hopeful, because your circumstances aren't as unique as you think they are. You really aren't alone. I promise you that you're not alone. I promise you that you can belong anywhere you choose, no matter what form you take, no matter the composition of your body, no matter how horrible the memories you carry are, and no matter what conditioning you received during the course of your existence. You can belong. You can belong with people who don't have a rigid definition of what it means to be a "correct" human. So please try, okay? Please don't give up - not yet - not while there are still so many things you haven't done, and so people out here cheering for you to become whole and well again. You can do it; of course you can do it, because I am doing it, and you're a lot (a LOT!!!) stronger and smarter than I am. I believe in you.

Anyhoot. I made myself some tea and drank it. Here's a picture of how it looked; maybe you'll like the way the milk swirls in the jar:

I think it's time for me to Salt some Sanctuaries. Swing by and check it out if you have the time, ability, and inclination. And if not, that's okay too. There's absolutely no pressure.

I love you and I'll write again tomorrow. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[thecranewivesrpf]

vent it's 1am

sometimes I see posts about people's parents being supportive of their interests, and I wonder what I could've had about that.

instead I'll sit in my room, smiling, laughing at a funny video, chatting with my friend, having fun and enjoying myself in my little safe space and I'll hear my dad laugh from downstairs and I'll wonder if it's at me.

why do I like the things I do? isn't it pathetic you're so invested in fucking minecraft roleplay? these creators will never know your name, but you still hold the time jimmy briefly said your name out loud on stream dear to your heart despite the fact you didn't even clip it, it just plays in your head sometimes. hi chewby, he said along with a long list of other names. he doesn't think about it and yet it felt like you existed for a moment.

it's unreasonable and incredibly paranoid, but sometimes I get scared and look through my phone for keyloggers that might've been installed, try and dig around my room for cameras and get scared new people I meet are my dad trying to fool me into trusting someone to tear it away and laugh. Point at the heartfelt messages I said to them and say isn't that pathetic? you trusted someone that much so quickly, this thing you said was so stupid. why did you say that? what's wrong with you? you're a fucking freak.

my mom says she tries not to let him have an effect on her life, don't be mad, stay apathetic. I would if I could. I'm terrified.

my only safe space had been torn away before, and it was one of the worse periods of my life. I was so disassociated I can't really tell you what happened in that time. I remember seeing a wildflower growing between the fence on my way home from school and crying. that flower got me through that day. I'm so scared of that happening again.

I pretend to nod along, I agree with every horrible thing he says, I have an entire horrible transphobic and bigoted story written out for how I use each social media I do use, and it's all to make sure he's happy and okay with me. I don't genuinely give a shit what he thinks, but I consider his opinion on everything I do to make sure I have a decent cover up story or way to hide it. I've done a lot, even as a kid to keep up that innocent perfect kid persona, even if then I didn't have a real reason to. I have zero respect for that man and yet I bow to him because I'm terrified. sometimes I wish I could've smiled and told him about the lmanburg flag I was sewing 2 years ago, and he would've smiled and listened to me talk. I think that conversation was ammunition. I hate talking about myself already, and I have extra internalized fear about my interests now. I assume everyone thinks I'm pathetic outside of my bubble, and it surprises me every time I see someone outside of the mcyt community not clowning on us or putting dni in their bio, thinking we're just weirdos. we're wonderful weirdos, I love what we've made here, but it's been ingrained into me to hate myself for what makes me happy.

I wish I didn't have to filter my thoughts. have cover up interests, pretend I'm so invested in a video game I haven't played in months. I've picked up my sister is masking and sucking up to him too. I feel bad for her.

im tired. I escape here and it's so wonderful, I can talk to people that make me happy and understand and won't lecture me and make me feel pathetic over the tiniest slip of my words. people will cheer with me, make me feel not alone, I love you all so much. you'll listen to me be happy, think about things that make me happy and interest me. even if I'm incoherent, even if you don't know what I'm talking about, even if it's too late and I'm making too many typos, I love you. I love you I love you I love you.