#entire life has been kids’ way
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saw a tiktok that was like. Daily Affirmations: my work crush doesn’t like me. and now i’m like wow i wish i could send this directly to all of my new high schooler coworkers. who are all really annoyingly obsessed with our one male manager because he’s The Chill Manager. you may have seen me refer to this man before (it’s different when EYE love him because we are the same age. the high schoolers being obsessed with him is weird as hell and he DOES need to stop encouraging this) back in winterspring i was doing a lot of opening shifts with him and i was joking that we had the king and lionheart dynamic. which was real at the time but not so much the vibe now just because like. the vibe has shifted idk i work different shifts there’s different other managers i’m technically promoted there’s all these new people i don’t care about. the vibe is different. anyway. don’t care for these high schoolers and their obsession with him. especially because they’re like actual assholes sometimes to my friend managers�� (they used to just work here and then two managers left and they got promoted) (i also technically got promoted at the same time but they rank above me and do more shit that i don’t want to do so like. obviously i’m not bitter or jealous about it. like if i had to manage a bunch of teenagers that didn’t respect me i might cry every single day) (which is happening to one of them fr. they’re literally such assholes to her sometimes it’s crazy like she’s not even as mean to you people as she should be…) not to side with like. The Man or whatever but unfortunately i’m not a teenager with a part time job i go to when i don’t have soccer practice so i cannot relate to the proletariat in this situation… like i knowww they’re seeing my girl as Bitch Manager and it’s making me hate them soooo bad. like you idiots can’t even fold jeans correctly!! i hate you!!!!
#literally the past three nights i’ve been working overnight with just the 2 friend managers and we’ve been having major bitch sessions#about these high schoolers…. sorry if this makes us bitches!!#maybe if more than 4 of them were literally any good at all at any part of their job we’d hate them less idk…..#like. if they sucked less it would mean i’d have to do less work. like girls work with me here im sick of covering your asses…..#can’t even put things back where they’re supposed to go correctly…#like why am i finding clearly marked clearance jeans mixed in the stack of full price ones…. stop pissing me offfffff omg#sorry again. but the next idiot teenager who asks me where something goes and i look at it and it’s clearly marked as clearance is going to#make me lose my mind for real. yes i do need a different job i know that im aware of this#the problem THERE is that all jobs look awful to me <3#and there’s genuinely nothing on earth i care enough about to make it a career!#i genuinely need to become a trophy wife and stay at home mom. like there’s no careers for me i fear#i don’t mean that in a ‘submitting to the patriarchy’ way i mean it in a ‘the only thing i’ve consistently known i want in my future for my#entire life has been kids’ way#anyway. having a job where you’re the fifth most in charge person there and third on an average day. makes you evil fr
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space sweepers but they're delivery people and are at no point on screen through the entire movie
#fantasy high#riz gukgak#kristen applebees#gorgug thistlespring#adaine abernant#fabian seacaster#figueroth faeth#the bad kids#half tempted to say these names are forum handles they use so much it pretty much became their professional names lol#I keep them teenagers bc its funnier that way#no real lore I just like drawing this. but I do think abt how theyre all weirdos too also bc thats funny to me#riz is a huge conspiracyhead who does everything by hands. he has a casio fx-570 in mint condition. nobody knows how he's maintaining it#he is nonetheless Really Good at his job. which somewhat tracks bc it's a job that requires keeping up with interstation conflicts#and new policies and an obsessive amount of planning. but he is Too Good at it. and also he dresses like that#kristen has the atomic engine that theoretically lets her unmake and remake matters with her mind. but it consumes a huge amount#of energy so it's mostly useless. she's still a cult survivor also#gorgug lives his entire life on a ship with his parents who quit a cushy deal maintaining a space station bc he wouldn't be allowed on#the low gravity let him grow very tall but also his oxygen saturation is pretty bad so he's got breathing support#fig is a robot who just found out she's a robot like two months ago. she's been assuming everyone's a robot like her and she's been feeling#very betrayed by her mom lying about that part. she's on a body mod spree which is rough bc system-specific parts are expensive#and so is adapting random parts to her system#fabian's still a pirate captain's son. can't say anything that'd be able to get the vibes across clearer than that#adaine went to tech/business school. she put her monthly allowance towards an ecoterrorist group in her academy which turned out to be an o#and she's currently wanted by UTS. more than fabian. which makes him slightly mad#she's also acquired a passion for low-tech weaponry on the way. she likes ice picks and cleavers#I think up all of this for no reason except that once again the idea of all these people being 1/teens and 2/on the same ship to be posties#is hilarious to me. esp. if they were in a forum group chat beforehand
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i could go on and on on the importance of shunkun and yuu being narrative foils of each other and how devastating it makes things
but nah, don't be silly, why would I express this sentiment on a serious drawing when i can draw fluff!!!😊😊 (copium)
progress dump... from vision to the end!!!
Vision->Spirit drawing->Sketch->Details on top of Sketch->Lineart->Color!!!!
"what is a spirit drawing michael" spirit. i inject spirit of my vision into the canvas and hope it makes sense later somehow💜 my process is mysterious in its ways.... not even i know what is going on(゜∀。)
anyway heres an image of the many. many glitches and difficulties i have to face now that my computer finally sniped clip studio😭 but i never give up I dont let the computer stop me
#re:kinder#rekinder#my art#yuuichi mizuoka#shunsuke takano#parun#fanart#this one is thanks to a certain post i saw a few days ago in tumblr. i just had to draw it as them#which was made by @hairscare !!! so shoutout to them for awakening this drawinf#i saw it and i inmediately knew what i had to do#BECAUSE GENUINELY i will never get over the sheer tragedy that these two are similar in many ways#yet the circumstances has made it so while one could fight and keep going with life the other gave up entirely and died??? hello???😭😭#ITS DEVASTATING BECAUSE OF WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT#BUT THEY WERENT FROM THE START OF THE GAME THERE WAS NO GOING BACK#i constantly think about the fact that shunkun was having dreams of yuu essentially crying for help FOR A GOOD BIT#like look . game starts out he acknowledges this and its. like. who even is that boy that dream again#WHICH WOULD ALREADY PLACE IT SO IT **AT LEAST** HAS HAPPENED TWICE. SO FOR TWO DAYS AT MINIMUM#BUT THEN YOU PLACE THE TIME WHERE SHUNKUN WAS AWAY FROM HOME#WHICH IS DAYS. PLURAL DAYS#AND THE MASSACRE COULD ONLY HAVE POSSIBLY STARTED THE MORNING OF THE DAY HE COMES BACK#because the other kids that survived woke up that same day and were extremely confused so that didnt happen the moment shunkun left#it pretty much happened shortly before arriving and thus the same day he left#which . by the way nothing to do i think it was intentionally premeditated so all the participants of the friends game could be there#BUT THE POINT IS. MULTIPLE DAYS IT HAD BEEN MULTIPLE DAYS SINCE THOSE DREAMS STARTED#so the mere idea that there was a slim point where things could have possibly been different if if that call for help would have possibly#jesus cheisr they mess me up#THE SLIM PERIOD OF TIME IS ITS AWFUL its .#AND THERES MORE OF THIS THERES MORE OF THIS IN ME REGARDING THE TRAGEDY OF THESE TWO BEING FOILS#BUT THIS IS A POST OF A FLUFF DRAWING SO LETS LEAVE IT THERE SHALL WE😁😁😁#they make me sick. i will die /lighthearted
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look I’m not saying that gifted kid culture wrecked my entire self esteem, made me feel like I was never good enough or special, or low-key affected 20+ years of my life
…actually, yeah, I am saying that. but here’s the kicker.
i wasn’t the gifted kid. I was the average one.
i get that gifted kid culture wasn’t good for the gifted kids, but geez, I can’t be the only one out there who WASN’T gifted and was still hurt by the system and is still dealing with emotional and psychological fallout.
can we start recognizing the impact gifted kid culture had on the non-gifted kids too?
#Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this but#The rest of us were just average#And I’ve spent essentially the entire rest of my life trying to be “special” at something#Gifted kid#gifted kid burnout#My journey#I’ve literally clung to my severe OCD sometimes because it makes me unique#My entire life has been me trying to be special in some way and not feeling satisfied#All because my best friend was gifted (read: special) and I wasnt#That was in THIRD GRADE#And it’s still DEFINING MY LIFE#I struggle with feeling jealous of former gifted kids even though y’all were messed up by it too#Because at least you got to grow up thinking you were special
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if you say shit like 'autism is not a disability' i hope you actually have really bad things happen to you and you are banned from the autism community for the foreseeable future. get another fun weird club if you so badly need one
so profoundly tired of people trying to make autism into this whimsical quirkiness when it's for most people a serious and debilitating life altering disorder
#im not even that high on the needs spectrum at all. i definitely need a lot of support but it doesn't nearly compare to hsn autistics for ex#but our autism have never been masked and it's always been apparent in obvious ways that stunted our social and personal development#we can't mask at all it's not an option to us. we are disturbing in person. we talk weirdly. we are monotone with very rare exceptions.#we do not understand the overwhelming majority of very important social cues and we can't pretend or mask that#we've always been singled out and our impairment has ostracized us from peers our entire life#especially with the struggle of getting daily tasks done. we are JUST a little more independent with things than we were as a kid#i always talk about not feeling like an adult and being stuck in kid (teen at best!) like mindset and abilities and understanding of things#that is autism too. we are stunted and disabled developmentally in many ways as a result and we were never on par with others of our age#and we will never be.#i hate this sentiment so much and i hate the 'disabilities wouldn't exist if society was perfect at accomodating us all to a T'#like yeah surely our violent outbursts and shutdowns and intense stimming wouldn't exist? our need to regulate stimuli#our Inability to regulate emotion or response to overstimulation?#like holy shit if you're autism lite jsut say that. some of us are actually significantly impaired and very much DISABLED and require#support to function. and surprise surprise some autistics need help with every step in their daily life. are they not disabled? fucker
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sometimes I feel guilty for disliking my parents, or moreso how they acted when I was a kid sometimes. because nowadays they're great. they're absolutely fine. so it would be ungrateful to say they're bad parents? they spoiled me as a kid if anything, they kept me safe and all that too.
but at the same time, them being good now doesn't change the fact that I needed them to be good when I was still growing. it helps nothing for them to be good parents now that I'm an adult and already fucked up from them. it changes nothing that they were slightly traumatizing when I was still developing and growing as a child
#mine#childhood trauma#parental abuse#I've recovered from most of those trauma symptoms I developed#or well... at least I cry and feel less dread when someone raises their voice nowadays#cry less*#I'm still an overly timid people pleaser with no self respect#who's too afraid to do anything to ever upset people even if it means ignoring my own comfort#because that's just what worked best as a kid#fighting back and getting upset just made things worse#doing things wrong would always instigate something#so I just learned to do things perfectly#and to accept what's dished out to me without making a fuss#I don't know if this behavior will be healthy in adult life though...#it has served me well through childhood but will it serve me in the workforce?#if things had been the opposite#if they had acted the way they do now when I was young#and been terrible now instead. maybe I'd be able to deal with them healthily?#maybe my entire personality would be different#not sure where I'm going with this#but I'm just wondering who I could've been if they had been a little nicer or a little calmer about things
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my bedroom is such a fucking weird room
#like not just the base layout#but the shit i put in it and how i have everything situated#and how i decorate and the colors and where i put things#it's very weird#I'm sure to anyone who has never seen it before it would look like they've been put in purgatory#it's somehow messy and baren#full of character and so dull#half way through renovations that we've been doing for going on 3 or 4 years now#the curtains are the same ones I've had literally since i was born#and one of the walls is just covered with a giant piece of cloth so it actually looks flat#when in reality there's two whole windows behind it that we put blackout curtains on#and theres a little cloud light hung on the wall covered in fabric with a little hole for the chord to go through#my bed is made out of like cubby space like bookshelves#which we got little boxes to go in so i can store my clothes more easily#all of the walls except one (excluding the fabric wall) are painted black#some areas of the trim are green and some are a dark blue both in different kinds of paint#there's a little circus kids play tent that holds all my extra blankets and pillows and other comfy things#one of the three doors is completely blocked off by my desk#stuff seems to spill out of storage solutions and onto any free space available and even onto the floor#all the furniture is a weird hodgepodge of different colors and aesthetics and ages#some things are more recent while others I've had my entire life and you can tell#some of them were found in thriftshops some of them were bought new and some where even put on the curb by our neighbors#nothing is consistent and yet that's it's consistency
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Little sister has gotten surprisingly good with her piano in the 3 days she’s had it, I’m afraid if she keeps at it that my position as the only person in the family with any musical abilities at all will soon be lost
#we didn’t really listen to music much or anything when I was a kid though#I was basically the one that got my sisters listening to music#so she has way more of an advantage over me because she’s listened to music since birth#I had to start from absolute 0 when I was like 12#when I joined the high school choir I was literally completely tone deaf#I had to fight for everything I had because I got such a late start at even listening to music#saying i can play a guitar is an insult to anyone thats ever touched the instrument#i can at least kinda sing though#shes also way more dedicated to things than ive ever been in my entire life though lmfao
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“Look for the strengths in yourself” this. “Your trauma doesn’t define you or make you inherently wrong” that. Do it out of spite. Value yourself out of spite.
What? Those douchebags told you that you weren’t worth anything? Fuck them! Treat yourself like you’re worth something! Get back at those fuckers!
Those assholes conditioned you into thinking you were terrible by treating you like shit? Condition yourself back! Keep valuing yourself and doing self care over and over until you drown them out. Until they’re as stupid and small in your brain as they are in real life.
Fucking win the emotional manipulation game! Win it! Draw something shit because it makes you feel happy! What, you can’t say no to people because you’re not worth as much as them? Fuck that! Say no all the time! Treat yourself like the most important person in the universe because they would hate it!
#so had a epiphany with a client the other day#essentially this#spite is the best way to do anything#and yes I’m in the mental health field#which would shock the tumblr bot who saw my blog and tried to send me to a therapy blog#which was adorable but jesus#and shocking to people who’ve commented saying I’m way to cynical about mental health and asking if I’m okay#I’m so unbelievably stable I help other people get stable lmao#it’s just sometimes the sunshine and rainbows approach works for people#and sometimes it doesn’t#and I’m just incredible super blunt about how I feel and experience things#which is sometimes yucky when it’s mental health or cptsd or my experience being neurodivergent in this society#you have points when your brain isn’t gonna believe that you’re good#that things can get better#rationally you will but emotionally your brain has conditioned itself out of hope and self regard#so sometimes you gotta motivate yourself with anger and spite#those assholes don’t deserve your life#and then you’ll get to the actual hope and happy feelings point#and then you’ll drop again#because this is how it works#and yucky emotions are not always bad or shameful#sometimes spite and anger is justified and can motivate you to change#sometime stress helps you survive#sometimes sadness helps you stop and realise somethings wrong#fuck depression though that one is just bad#(I’m kidding lmao)#seriously for me who gets depressive spirals often#and likely will for my entire life#depression feelings tells me I haven’t been making time for myself#and I’m overwhelmed
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when you're disabled, being financially abused by your parents never ends
#so you're telling me that you got 5k this week from claiming me on your taxes#while hounding me about how i haven't been contributing enough to bills & expenses (i was giving you what you asked for!)#and none of it will go to me because ''i owe it to you for living with you''#despite the fact that 5k nearly covers the mortgage for the entire YEAR#DESPITE THE FACT THAT I COULD PAY OFF MY OWN LANDLORD AND MOVE OUT#btw i literally only let her claim me on her taxes bc she said she'd be giving it to me. and this is the third time she has done this.#promised me it wouldn't happen again. she used me.#she does this thing a lot#where she acts like she's helping people but only does it to hold it over their head#i told her i could have been paying her more for bills but she told me i didn't have to#and now she's complaining that i don't pay enough#i will literally tell her not to help me sometimes#bc she'll do it anyway and then later on you hear ''i did something nice for you so if you don't help me with a favor right now...#...I'll do everything I can to sabotage your life''#so she literally only does it for personal gain#so that she can have an excuse to feel like she's better than all of her kids and that we're just stupid ungrateful assholes#all 3 of her kids could be telling her that her logic is wrong and she won't budge#another thing that happened recently is that she told me i needed to pay her back for a gift she bought me that got stolen#which is also something she does a lot. buys me things without asking and then telling me i have to pay her back for them#i had way more stuff stolen that i had personally bought#i didn't ask for that fucking keyboard sorry. I ALREADY HAD ONE.#and she's been going on about how ''she's the one who's ACTUALLY being affected''#she is FULLY AWARE that the dude she lets over has stolen from us MULTIPLE times#but apparently it's my responsibility to pay her back for something out of my control#STOP BUYING ME SHIT AND TELLING ME I DON'T NEED TO PAY YOU MORE IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA HOLD IT OVER MY HEAD#IF I'M SUCH A BURDEN MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LEAVE#.bdo
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..
#I haven’t been online all day so idk what the discourse has been like compared to yesterday#But can I just say that in a lot of videos that I saw - Brittany and Taylor were studiously ignoring each other#And I have been reflecting Jaime’s post about who else was in the box and what the event was and who was invited#And I feel like I fell into the trap of trying to interpret an entire social situation based on a few moments#And forgot that she and Brittany both have conversations and experiences outside of what we witness#Which I am usually fairy aware of with Taylor but I think it’s easier to slip into it when she does something that I wouldn’t do#Like it’s just so much easier (for me) to dehumanize people when they’ve done something “bad”#And that pattern seems related to the internal cancel culture (bullshit) and the desire for accountability (punitive version)#Which creates this impulse to sort people as good and bad#Which is not at all to say that I imagine Taylor is theoretically justified in being friendly with someone endorsing a dictator#But that my reaction to my assumption about her being BFFs with that vile woman led me to jump on a hate train without watching the footage#And like everybody has a right to be upset by her actions- which are pretty literally enabling a dictator to benefit from her name.#But I don’t think it’s as simple as her being besties with the lady. And I am trying to remind myself that I am not on a global stage#I was just as friendly with a trumper a few days ago at an HOA picnic. Which does not exist in a vacuum-#I am politically active in the community around some big picture stuff and part of that means I need the truly vile people to respect me#And i need to ask about their kids and remember their names and their health issues or whatever and let them hug me#Because that is what being in a collaborative harm reduction type political position means for me. I get waaaayyy..#More radical shit done when they trust me and enjoy chatting with me about trees and know I see them as human#And Taylor is obviously in a vastly different situation than me - she has a lot more power in many many ways- but she also#Certainly has more context (like me bc she’s a whole person) that we’re not privy to.#Idk sorry for the long rambling praxis rant#Just was at a RJ training all day talking about prison abolition and now am processing by philosophizing about Taylor#Just there’s a lot less dopamine hits in taking a step back then there are in reposting stuff without context#Which again is not to say that anyone shouldn’t be upset. The situation is imo objectively upsetting.#And taking a step back and giving a person the benefit of the doubt is most often allowed for white women#And we should practice taking the time to do that whenever we can and like if I can’t even do it with a famous lady I don’t know#How am I supposed to learn and practice doing it in my own life#Idk#c#TJ
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gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous
#LIKE.... what the fuck .#and the way my contribution has been minimal how am i ever gonna like . repay my dad for this#also how does he just .....spend so much . he'll always pay for anything school related w/o saying anything weird#like why is this genuinely making me crysjrjfjskwkfj#i KNEWWWW it was a lot but i was just thinking id love to pay him back for it somehow#so i was like lemme pull up all my undergrad invoices and the current stuff too and i did the math and .....#LIKE I FEEL SICK obv i have Issues w my dad but sometimes i feel so bad for him his dad passed away when he was 15#so i feel like he jas that Thing for like being super present in his kids' lives#and education is like a Biiiiig thing for him bc he had to work and earn and pay for his own (ig his mom helped as much as she could)#THIS IS MAKING ME SOB IM SO SAD#and the way i cant even fucking find a job to at least earn SOMETHINGGGG i can help with its so stupid#anyway idk Whats going on in my brain rn i should sleep god#like im so grateful but theres so much guilt too ??#desi culture is insane bc imagine you work your whole entire life and then you have to pay for every one of ur kids' education weddings etc#OK GOOD NIGHT will i delete this is it too . personal . idk#h talks
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whispers you guys darkstripe canonically has a crush on tigerstar---
#and like??? like i guess its not technically wrong#like its like he looks up to tigerstar in every fucking which way#as his mentor. as his dad. as an older brother. as the guy he wants to devote his entire life to. his one true love#literally his brain is just: tigerstar tigerstar tigerstar#think of it like the kid who has a really bad home life and images running away w. their teacher bcus their teacher is nice to them#like its kind of fucked up#this is also part of the reason i do dislike open wikis because im so protective over the information and how people edit#like theres so many little mistakes on the wiki rn and its driving me crazy#and if i start editting them im gonna be here for HOURS#lolling thoughts#bt wiki#darkstripe#spotted is also technically a foster mom since she physically nursed dark as well sometimes#spottedleaf#burning thistles#burning thistles au#tigerstar#tigerclaw#no hate intended either im just really nitpicky#love the work thats been done so far
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