#doomed codependent yaoi

[shslpookiebear]

what i love so much about matsukamu is the inherent tragedy of it all.

post sdr2 matsudas been dead, body reduced to nothing. izuru has for the most part disappeared in favor of the return of hajime. all their feelings memories conversations are trapped in the recesses of hajimes brain, behind memories he would prefer to not acknowledge the existence of.

matsuda and izuru wouldve been the only ones to know of their relationship. the kamukura project was already a secret, their relationship was an even bigger one. maybe someone like junko was aware of it but again: the dead tell no tales. any tangible records of it are in matsudas long burned project notes and memories a character like izuru wouldnt see the significance in sharing

idk theres something really compelling about that— their feelings were so real to them but because theyre doomed by the narrative its erased. the love was real but now theyre gone.

in a non despair au izuru arguably wouldnt exist, matsuda would be able to cure junko their paths would never cross and if they did it would be hajime instead.

theres no resolution to it, their bond reduced to ashes like the rest of the world— one they were both complicit in the end of.

[hoarfrostheart]

thinking about prongsfoot, and how for everyone who's ever known them, it seems unthinkable for them to have any other ending than a happy one, yet in almost every universe they end up dead.

it seems at first sight as though they're destined for greatness, for happiness. they're the sun and the star, they shine so fucking bright they outshine all the other lights in the sky. but they also burn so fast, they can't help but turn to dust. everytime.

it's this insane juxtaposition of "these two people are beloved by the universe. these people have a bond stronger than anyone has ever had and will ever have. they have to survive, they have to live, bc if they won't, then nobody else can" and of "these people are so fucking powerful the universe has to nerf them in order to remain intact. the love between these two people is such a huge force it always destroys them in the process. they can't live without loving each other but they can't live while loving each other."

it's "can you imagine him as something other than alive? can you imagine him as something other than dead?". it's "mutually assured destruction, mutually assured deification. i will be the house that holds every part of you". it's "no one can hurt you but me". it's "this will end in flames".

[poofbark]

i like you (i like you alot)

[kinsagi]

kaneshirou stop giving me hope im this close to ending it all AAAAAA

[mountain-dew-tickledpink]

Reflection

hesitant to call this boyfs but it kind of his but also isn’t lol

It’s not like Michael ever truly hated Jeremy for the incident junior year with the play and the stupid computer pill. He couldn’t do that, but that didn’t meant that he didn’t need space from Jeremy for a while.

The space ended up being more than he expected. A week grew into a two weeks and then a month and then six months and now he and Jeremy barely talked. It made Michael feel kind of bitter at first, why wasn’t Jeremy doing more to reach out?

But he hadn’t been doing a lot either, and eventually the six months turned into a few years. College happened, new friends happened. But Michael couldn’t help but still think about Jeremy sometimes.

Whatever brought up the conversation he didn’t remember, but Michael was in one of these new friend’s living room on the couch and talking about Jeremy.

“We were best friends for twelve years,” he laughed a little, not focusing on the TV anymore as Eleanor, the friend, listened. “I actually can’t remember a time when I was younger that he wasn’t there.”

There was a pause. The curly brown haired girl squinted her eyes slightly. “Go on…?”

Michael just looked up at the ceiling and shrugged. “And it’s weird because he was kind of my whole life? But I didn’t really listen to him that well.” He took a breath. “I just always assumed we would be on the same page about everything, and we were at some points, but I guess I didn’t realize how he wanted to do things outside of me?”

“That’s what she said.” Eleanor’s eyes opened wide right after she said that. Maybe she realized that wasn’t the most appropriate time to make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke, but she stuffed some more popcorn in her mouth.

“Anyways, he eventually got a girlfriend and we had both needed some space. And then the spacing just kept… space-ing?”

Michael took off his glasses and started to clean them on his shirt as he continued. “Things were just complicated, but you know what’s funny? I think he was in some ways my first heartbreak.”

“So you liked him?” Eleanor asked, handing the popcorn bowl back to Michael once he had his glasses back on.

“I mean, yes and no.” He tried to explain. “Like, I would’ve done anything for him. We did kiss a few times in middle school out of curiosity, but I already knew I liked boys before him. We would hold hands, and he was honestly cute, yeah..”

“It kind of sounds like you’re still in love with him…?” Eleanor raised an eyebrow. Michael shook his head.

“No, we haven’t talked in maybe six years.” Technically, they had talked. They still wished each other well on holidays and texted each other for birthdays, but nothing beyond that. “But it still really hurt when we stopped talking.”

“I can imagine.” The girl nodded and then grabbed some more popcorn from the bowl. Michael did too.

It was all complicated. Michael hadn’t even been mad about the squip anymore, or for being left behind. If anything, for a while he had been more upset with the confused feelings he felt like he had been left alone to deal with.

Did he leave Jeremy alone with these feelings too, Michael would often wonder. It’s not like he meant to, he would never hurt Jeremy so badly on purpose.

“After we stopped talking, it felt like losing a limb at first. He had been pretty much everything to me and then was gone?”

Had he been in love with Jeremy or had he just been scared of the change that would’ve happened if Jeremy left?

Was it really a crush or did he just so happen to like holding and giving Jeremy kisses on the cheek and letting him rest his head on his lap?

Why was he thinking so hard about the codependent relationship he used to have? Okay, that wasn’t fair, that relationship had been one of his most important ones for most of his life.

Eventually Michael had been quiet long enough that Eleanor just focused on the movie again, and he pulled out his phone and went through his messages.

He clicked on Jeremy’s name after some scrolling and just stared at the last message. It had been one from himself, just a “you too” after Jeremy said for him to have a good birthday.

Hello

Michael typed out before pressing the backspace button and just putting his phone away.

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

WAKE UP EVERYONE, HARUMAI OFFICIAL MERCH JUST DROPPED! 🔥🔥🙏🏻🙏🏻

[weevilpaw]

ryo so BUGLY

[reanimatedgh0ul]

their relationship is kinda loustat coded to me

[daeluin]

they kinda popped off with this one ngl

[super-nova5045]

snowjanus nation can we like toxic yaoi it up in the snowjanus ao3 tag…all we’re getting is fix it fics and stuff and while there’s nothing WRONG with that pleaseeeee can we talk abt how the toxic homoerotic competitive codependent doomed best friendship fucked them up so badly one of them DIED and the other literally became an EVIL DICTATOR…like that is next level toxic. radioactive yaoi. nuclear, even.

anyways this is me begging fanfic writers to put more of an emphasis on the Doomed Homoerotic Best Friendship of it all…never getting their catharsis so why should we. haunted by what could’ve been. let me COOK

[robin33r]

Uhh warning this gets p detail-e

Warning for just mainly getting in detail w abusive relationships

Tired of pretending saurtis / tauram would've been healthy ngl. They are fr eachothers nightmares in the best way possible "Sam's insane and looney" okay but idk if you realized it was TAURTIS who was unhinged first. HE encourages Sam's shenanigans too. He influences it so so much.

I've seen people say Sam took after Yuki by resorting his problems using violence however.. Taurtis even at the start of the series suggested violence even for sam to use violence to get love. He tells Sam that he should be doing "chop chop" to make Sookie love him and he even thought it was too far at the time. I feel like now that's partially influencing his behavior in the reboot and how he's spreading the ideals onto his friends just like how taurtis influenced him subtly.

Now this isn't saying taurtis doesn't care and is only tryna negatively influence Sam. Taurtis cares about Sam but they're both codependent and they both reflect off of eachother, however Sam's a LOT more dependent and reflects off of taurtis much more than he does to Sam. Sam physically needs taurtis, almost like a dog and it's owner.

Sam and taurtis both have normalized unhinged thoughts that for ANY normal person would find it intrusive. They've straight up bathed in eachothers blood fir fun and normalized it. To anyone who thinks their love would be gentle and romantic I HEAVILY doubt that realistically it'd be that. They'd be the triple C's, cannibalism, confinement, and codepdency. They'd hurt eachother for the ballistic fun of it and ngl I even forget how often those two fight or hit eachother. They'd probably even carve out little shapes off if eachother even if it's immature, why? Because they can! There's no "gentle talking" with them, it's straight to the point and sometimes even mockery, if it isn't it's stern. They both love so roughly they almost *cant* be gentle, neither of them wanted to be either, they're just there for the fun and sake of it. Taurtis can be just as sadistic if not MORE sadistic than Sam sometimes even and ngl it's such an underrated thought of how much of a little shit he is.

Sam copied so much of previous behaviors from Yuki and Taurtis and it's so funny to me how the impact is so obviously hard. Sam would give taurtis EVERYTHING if jt meant to be with him, dead or alive. That desire could even probably lead Sam into grabbing his dead body and finding ways to bring it back alive/delude himself into believing the body. Most of the time he was unstable it was because of taurtis not being there and he's canonly always uneasy without taurtis, in which this could DEFINITELY Influence his behavior in the reboot.

The way he acts in the reboot is definitely twisted as ro how he normally acts without taurtis or when he's seemingly unstable and he pushes those ideals onto coolment and sometimes even owl. He's physically unable to handle himself holding the memories of what he had with taurtis yet not having him around. The absolute pain kf losing your favorite person and then having tk restart at the same place where hell went down and when things went down. Good lord only knows he probably hallucinates taurtis ' voice

This is a bit of a stretch but because of how little those two take eachothers mental health, injuries and pain seriously I'd even argue that hell maybe they'd even encourage ut and/or do it together or just laugh awkwardly st it. At MOST is the fact that taurtis did seem genuinely concerned at Sam's alcoholism but I don't know. This is just a huge stretch but god I love saurtis/tauram I sure wish toxic and doomed yaoi was real.

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Propaganda:

For Shadowpeach: "ok so, we all know from that one tumblr post that yaoi is two blokes doing fuckall and yuri is when there’s themes and shit? well these two (shadowpeach) have So Much Themes. they were super close friends for years and years (both immortal) before their epic breakup scene (wukong was trapped under a mountain and macaque refused to free him) (he wasn’t entirely in the wrong but that’s another story) (also wukong killed macaque there was that, that did happen) (its complicated)

from the Moment we see these two, all we know about them is that they’re the most divorced ever. as time goes on, we see the complexities in their relationship, and they introduce a lot of the overarching themes and motifs of the show (hero and warrior pairs, peaches being a symbol of their relationship, etc). also they’re both girls to me

tmnt theme song voice toxic codependent yuri!"

"theyre So So gay divorced and have an incredibly complicated and toxic relationship. also according to that one tumblr post yaoi is when theres two blokes doing fuckall and yuri is when theres themes and shit, and these two have So So So many themes and shit. theyve got motifs out the wazoo. peaches are a motif of their relationship and in the very end of the s4 finale wukong hands macaque a half-melted peach flavored (and shaped) popsicle. this is yuri to me"

"They used to be semi-immortal bff's, but then they fell apart and literally one of them died(bc of the other), then he revived, then got semi-consumed by revenge™ and tried to kill each other for a while, but they are cool now and they gave the sweetest little smiles when they finally talked- *fangirls* ok ok, look at it this way: it's a royalty au but it's canon."

"Well, they are toxic doomed yuri vibes, in my.most opinion. But also their designs are pretty gender I think.. mostly wukongs imo. And ik eyelashes aren't inherently feminine but theyre both some of the few(if not only) male characters in the show with visible eyelashes. Also if it counts, out of the relationships that I've seen compared to theirs, most are canonical sapphic relationships from other cartoons (catradora and bubbline notably)"

For Arthur and Linus: "THEY ARE SOO YURI!! OLD MAN YURI!!! LIKE!!! JUST LOOK AT THEM!!! THEYRE SO ADORABLE"

"A warm, loving caretaker of magical children who are orphans falls in love with the fat neurotic caseworker and changes his life for the better."

For Thoschei: "i. why great

They are each other's narrative foils. They are archenemies. They were childhood friends. They might not have been married, but they are divorced. They call themselves best enemies. They are the "i can fix them"/"i can make them worse" duo. They've proposed to each other (to rule/travel across the universe together), but each declined the offer from the other. They've kissed. They've killed each other. They've killed for each other (the first to do so was the Doctor who is the protagonist and the hero, but this fact was revealed in an audio drama, not in the TV show). The universe's too small for both of them. "The cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about" is a real quote from one of the episodes from the 1980s. They are war criminals. The Master commits atrocities to attract the Doctor's attention and admits it. They are not able to get rid of each other for good, nor they really want to. One of the showrunners literally spent the BBC's money to make his E2L I Can't Decide fanvid for them and make it a part of an episode.

ii. why guy:

They'd been in male bodies for more than 40 years…

iii. why yuri

…until one of them regenerated into a woman. After some time, the other did so too. Sadly, they haven't interacted in their female bodies on screen, but the fandom makes do with fan content.

in conclusion: this is The guy yuri if i've ever seen one"

[cringefail-clown]

For the fucked up ship bingo, OBVIOUSLY dirkjake. If someone's already said that, then maybe ultdirkjohn?

ahhh yes THE doomed yaoi. undeniably tragix narratively. theyre childhood friends and thw first love to each other. constantly breaking up and coming back to each other because they cannot function without the other in their life. codependent to the moon and back. maybe they could learn to be more functional, but whos to say thats what they want? so bittersweet

[g1ngerbeer]

who are these link click boys im intrigued by what youre putting on my dash

HELLLO ALEXMEY link click (时光代理人) is a donghua web series about cheng xiaoshi (dark-haired ponytail guy) and lu guang (white-haired guy) who run a photo studio that is also a time travel fix-it agency. their landlady is cheng xiaoshi's childhood friend qiao ling (dark-haired girl and the third protag).

they do little jobs that qiao ling finds for them, using cheng xiaoshi and lu guang's powers: cheng xiaoshi can enter a photo by possessing the person who took it at the moment they took it (effectively time traveling) and lu guang can use a photo to see everything that happens up till 12 hours after it was taken. theres also umm plot. and greater-scope villains :] it starts off episodic, but there's a larger plot that soon gets introduced and it carries across both seasons

and also cheng xiaoshi and lu guang are one of the doomed yaois of all time. with time travel involved. i dont think i can say much because of spoilers but rest assured. that is a doomed yaoi. one of the doomed yaois of all time even. their codependencies start from whats baked into their power sets and only get worse. they would forsake everything they stand for for each other's sake. their portmanteau name mash ship name is shiguang im crazy. im crazy

2 seasons of 12 twenty-minute-ish eps out right now. season 3 coming umm. soon? i hope its soon. ive been here for three days and if i dont find out whats going on with lu guang im goign to lose it

(even if you dont end up watching the show i highly recommend looking at the intros for s1 and s2 theyre super cool)

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - A Blah Week

May June 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

La Pluie (Sat iQIYI) ep 6 of 10 - It’s so damn cute. Seme is still sus... but cute. I didn’t even mind the pratfall since they clearly both wanted to take advantage of it. These two are great kissers - like MaxTul level. I am PLEASED. Meanwhile, sides have a drunken MOMENT. 

Be My Favorite (Fri YouTube) ep 2 of 10? - I’m enjoying it which is fucking with my head, trash watch here! 

Luminous Solution (Sat Gaga) ep 2 of 6 - Dome has aged so pretty! Do we think the café owner doesn’t want him because he is happy in love? I’m enjoying the high school story arc a lot, and I wish we were just watching that and none of the others (Dome or no Dome). I finally figured it out the actor playing Mai is from Manner of Death.

The Promise (Weds YT & WeTV) ep 10fin - Soap opera brother relationship suddenly? Also more not communicating and more separation? Just bullshit. The best part of the ep was the interstitial cat. It feels like this show dragged on forever I am so glad it’s over and I intend never to think about it again. Full review below (although I pretty much just said it all.) 

Step By Step (Tues WeTV & Gaga) ep 7 of 10 - no ep this week, no idea why. It better not be because of the ZeeNew freakszoids or I am banhammering with a will. Our Skyy 2 (Bad Buddy & 1k*) eps 13-14 - skipped it this week as it concludes next week so I’ll binge all 4 at once.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - It’s just so good. I say it every week but it IS. Oh the running of the gays trope! Japan1 For us? How thoughtful. Awe, Yutaka’s confession in tiny was the best. SMILEY KISS! It took 3 BLs but Inukai Atsuhiro has finally actually kissed a boy. 

Star Struck (Korea iQIYI & Gaga) ep 5-6 of 8 - Oof this is such a hard show. Too much angst. It is a complicated story worth further analysis, but it’s too much for me and I don’t wanna dwell in it. Also, sweetie, you don’t get to cockblock the boy you rejected then invite him to sleep over, I don’t care how confused you are. Good for Hanjoon for standing up for himself, but holy shizz is this hard to watch. 

Vian the series (Vietnam YouTube ) - Cats are not caretakers. The neighbor is a cutie. Fun convo for a VBL - top/bottom & everything. Faen fatale showed up + a pratfall kiss and frankly I’m finding this show a bit dull now that the charm of the initial premise has worn off.

Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 8 of 12 - I never know what to say about this one. This was the dark separation doom episode. I was pretty blah over it. I’m just not engaged with this show. 

It’s Airing But ...

House of Stars (Thai Mon iQIYI) 12 eps - I bounced at ep 3. Will binge if told it is worth it at end.

Stay (Pinoy ????) 7 eps - It’s mostly in English and set in LA so I’m not bothering to hunt.

Let’s Eat Together AKA Aki wa Haru to Gohan wo Tabetai (Japan movie) cinema release means no inter distribution. Looks cozy: daily lives of college students and roommates who enjoy meals together, and a v codependent, adaptation of yaoi Let’s Eat Together Aki and Haru. I’ll keep an eye open for it but assume we can’t get it for now.

Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari no Hajimari no Asa (Japan Sun ????) ep 1 of 10 - NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS and no, I have no idea where to get it, why would I? (Say it with me everyone: Oh Japan, must you?*) 

Ended this week 

The Day I Loved You (Pinoy YouTube) ended. I have been reliably informed it’s better left a DNF.

My Story (Pinoy YouTube) ended. I bounced at ep 4. Someone tell me if I should bother with the rest?

Pure Vanilla (Singapore) - 10 min short on Gaga featuring a cafe, boss/employee, friends to lovers. It’s very sweet. Bit awkward acting. I love seeing real tats on my screen. I wish Singapore would give us a full proper BL. 7/10 RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS 

The Promise (Thai YouTube) - Although well acted this show dragged a too simple premise out into the ultimate manipulative miscommunication repeats of idiotic "why don’t you just TALK!?” Phu & Nan are childhood bffs through college (almost lovers) until Phu disappears. After looking/waiting for him, Nan gives up and self isolates, and the actual story takes place 10 years later. Phu’s “reason” and inability to say it out loud makes the whole show just frustrating, squandering good chemistry, and a stellar cast of multiple faen fatals (whose personalities would’ve made them better boyfriends). Seriously do not bother. What a damn waste of talent, time, and electronic bandwidth. Fatally flawed. 4/10 NOT RECOMMENDED 

Okay it ended a while ago but I finished it:

Make A Wish (Thai grey) - 6 part PNR (from Sammon - Manner of Death & Triage) about a doctor who can see the dead and strikes a bargain with a wish-granting irreverent tree angel - naturally they fall in love. Stars Fluke Natouch opposite not Ohm, but who cares bc Fluke has chemistry with everybody. Once again the Thai afterlife is incredibly bureaucratic but I enjoyed the premise and the unfolding of the story (it’s not predictable but still satisfying and with nice little twist). I like that the doctor is just gay af and has a fag hag bestie and everything. The cast is excellent but the comedic stylings are too overblown and tonally off. It had sad parts and did make me cry but is ultimately happy with a great sex scene, good smiley kisses, and all the agency. 8/10 RECOMMENDED 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting:

6/7 Love Tractor (Korea iQIYI) 8 eps - announced in 2022 from WATCHA (Semantic Error) I've been WAITING for this one. About a stressed-out law student who family obligations force into the countryside where a series of strange encounters and misunderstandings with his hunky young farmer neighbour. Will this be an extended version of Strongberry’s Some More? Or Korea’s take on Restart After Come Back Home? I'm chuffed. Country boy meets city boy is a very underused romance trope in BL.

6/9 Boys Love Omegaverse AKA The Boys Love sequel no one asked for (Japan movie) - everyone jockeyed to release the first ABO but it looks like Japan will take it. They do like to do all things BL FIRST. This seems to just be borrowing the branding of Boys Love, showing little resemblance to either original, since it's about 4 men in an idol group. (But could go very dark with that title. Boys Love is technically the first and one of the darkest BLs ever made.) Movie+Japan = no inter distribution.

Still Coming June 2023 

6/15 Tokyo in April AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa (Japan Gaga) 8 eps - Based on a yaoi, this is a reunion romance that takes place in an office. Japan does Our Dating Sim? Yes please.

6/22 About Us but Not About Us (Pinoy movie from 2022 on Prime) - A professor grieving the loss of his partner meets an ambitious literature student.

6/24 Why You (Khmer BL ????) - Billed as a horror romance, not sure if this is a movie or a series where it will air... nothing except that it exists.

6/24 Tie The Knot AKA Under the Same Sky (Pinoy movie on Prime) Trailer - I guess Prime is coming for our Pinoy BL? From OXIN Films (Rainbow Prince), announced for 2022 based on a true story, Briggs's family runs a bridal business but he has never had a chance to fall in love until he meets Shao, a groom to be.

6/25 Dinosaur Love (Thai iQIYI) Trailer 5 eps - from Ultimate Troop about a uni student, Rak, whose partner cheats on him with Rak's best friend. This gives bad boy hazer Dino an opportunity to hit on Rak at last. From The Yearbook people so I will not watch this as it airs. After Remember Me? Never again with them.

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

From Make a Wish. 

Found my side dish. (Be My Favorite)

We asked this question literally the ENTIRE show. (The Promise) 

My point exactly! 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? BTOB on Killing Voice - honestly I’m ded, end this show, no one else can ever be this good. 

[2ndstar-ontheright]

toxic codpendent boys babyyyy

i love you and it's ruining my life (boyfs)

Summary: After coming home from college for the first time in years, Jeremy's flooded with a ton of mixed emotions. He's tried so hard to put his past behind him, but it all shatters in the blink of an eye.

A/N: UGH codependent relationships are so interesting to explore and write about, dude I'm going insane. (I don't JUST write doomed/toxic yuri, I also do yaoi. I don't discriminate) The negatives of Jeremy and Michael (other than "ugh jeremy's evil and stinky >:(" and "Michael's pining but jeremy's too horrible to see :(") really should be written about more often, IMO. I love these stupid teenagers

Anyway, thank you so much for reading!! Seriously, you're all the best.

Walking home from class, Jeremy’s door is softly pushed shut as he enters the room. His old room. Not much had changed since he left back in August, home again (at the request of his therapist) after spending his other holidays working. It wasn’t his idea, at the expense of his poor father, as he knew his unexplained absence left the man worried. He worried enough about him already, he shouldn’t have to add to that by being back here. All of the mess he was front and center. He’d changed since college, he really did. However, for better or for worse, they didn’t know him there so it was easy for him. Easy to be someone else. Not like he had in high school, yet still someone else nonetheless. 

But it was summer now, and that had to count for something. 

He toes off his shoes, shoulders falling as he breathes in the familiar smell of linen and lavender. Suddenly, his ears perk up at the sound of a car driving by. Creeping up to the window, he looks out and

“He’s still driving that thing?” Jeremy’s eyes widened in shock. It’s been almost 5 years with that thing. You couldn’t even consider it a car anymore. Jesus, with how many times it’s broken down, how is he even alive ? He shakes his head and puts it out of his mind, but for a moment he's interrupted. Almost instantly he recognized that car, but why? It’d been over 2 years since graduation and he never talked about home. So, it couldn’t have been that easy. Then, it dawned on him.

That was Michael.

____________________________________

Later that night, he’s standing in front of his bathroom mirror, trying desperately to put images out of his mind. As he takes off his shirt, his scars and not as much as it used to be but still ungodly pale skin are on full view, like a child’s connect-the-dots page taken a wrong turn. 

The room’s flooding with steam and as he dissociates, he looks up to see sixteen year old him staring back. He’s that teenage boy again. His grim expression as he looks almost ready to drive his fist through the glass, binder in full view. It almost gives him a heart attack at the reminder that this is the same person he was just 3 years ago. He never did end up doing that, but the thought of it just made him shudder at how awful that teenage boy he had been. That stupid, whiny, annoying teenage boy who he could never run away from. 

He ended up not going to Michael’s that night, he was too afraid. (And he also wasn’t home given that he was touring schools that weekend.) He didn’t want to leave the comfort of his bathroom and be perceived by everyone. A loser like him didn’t have the guts, and that’s all he was, right? However, he could fantasize. And so he did. He fell asleep on the cold tile wishing it was his best friend’s bed, the sounds of Link collecting his sword and silent “Shit!”’s of frustration followed by an attempt to be quieter in the background. 

Jeremy blinked quickly, swallowing his breath and stepping into the shower to escape the fading reflection. 

That didn’t help as much as he had hoped though. His mind, as it often did, only resurfaced more as he stood under the water. This was better, he deduced. Now, he didn’t have to see it. To be reminded. He could just think. 

____________________________________

“Michael..?”

Puffing out a cloud of smoke, Michael shifts his eyes from the ceiling to the beanbag next to him. The only light being from the lava lamp in the corner, he squints briefly before he’s able to make out the boy in question. Even in the darkness, he looked…god. 

He looked beautiful. As much as he still had so much turmoil inside him, how he knew they were drifting apart more than he liked but was too afraid to bring it up, he couldn’t deny the aura permeating off of his friend. Unable to look away as he drew him further like a moth to a flame. 

“

Yeah?” He replied, voice raw before coughing a little. 

“I…” Jeremy twitched. He felt like his teeth were about to run out of his mouth, like the back of his head was hinged open, brain fully exposed to the world. His thoughts, his feelings, his pain, all oozing out of each nook and cranny. He couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the weed, maybe it was being back somewhere so familiar. Regardless, he knew the real reason why he felt like he was losing it. Why he felt like he wanted to throw up and cry at the same time. 

“I fucked up.” He finished, head hung low. 

Michael shifted tiredly in his seat, hand covering his mouth to stifle a yawn. Leaning his head back, his eyes met the side of Jeremy, who instinctively turned to face him. “Whaddyoumean?” He asked, words slurring together slightly.

Jeremy laughs nervously as his lip quivers. Shaking his head, his brow furrows. “I- you know what I mean!” He exclaims and then almost a second later, his hand covers his mouth. Ugh, why’d he have to say that so loud? Thank goodness Michael’s moms weren’t home, but still. Jesus Jeremy, can’t you control yourself for one second? Tears pool behind his eyes, at first cooling to the bloodshot feeling, however stinging just a second after. His palms plunge hard to rub at them and make him look somewhat less pitiful than he already does. Which isn’t much as the croaking in his voice gives it away even more. 

“I fucked up real bad Michael. I know I did.”

Sobering up as best as he can, Michael snaps up and inches closer, a hand gently tugging at Jeremy’s wrist. “Hey, c’mon man, talk to me. What do you mean you ‘fucked up’?” 

His tone calming as always, Jeremy takes a quick breath; cringing internally at his shuddering. He sounded like a kid in trouble about to get sent to his room, but in his own sick way, wasn’t he just that?

“Just..” He sighed. “Everything. All of it. I keep screwing up and with the whole SQUIP thing…I- haven’t truly apologized to you for that. I didn’t even say I’m sorry and I should have!” Jeremy rambled, wringing his hands together before resting them on his knees, sweaty palms tugging at the fabric that was starting to feel like sandpaper. 

He blinked, tears falling shamelessly. Michael was always so sweet to him, and why? He of all people didn’t deserve it. After all that he’s done, the kind, loving, handsome, funny, and so many other flowery words he could use to describe his favorite person didn't treat him the way he ought to be treated. Like a monster. He still treated him like his best friend, and that made the anguish inside tear him apart even more than it had. 

“And I hurt you Michael. I never meant to, but I did and I’m…Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Michael’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected that. Had it really been that long since he’d apologized? Since they’d talked about it? He wanted this, right? He’d been waiting for this for so long, and yet, now he doesn’t know what to think. It’s not that he didn’t think Jeremy meant it, it was just all so sudden and he’d already apologized profusely for everything else already.

But never for how much he had hurt him. 

He knew he did, and Michael knew he was ashamed of himself, but he never said those words out loud. 

How long had he been waiting to hear that? 

How much had they thought, things other than and still similar in their own right, but never said to each other? 

Michael sighed, head tilting to look even closer into Jeremy’s eyes. His hand rested on his shoulder and slowly, he nodded, glasses drooping down to his nose. “I know you are.”

“And I forgive you, Jer. I really do,” 

He offered a somber smile which in turn earned him almost falling to the floor as the other rushed into him. Or rather, fell, seeing as he was stoned out of his mind. 

And even in that foggy haze, Jeremy meant every word he said. Bubbling over like a shaken can of coke he wanted to say so many other things than sorry. He wanted to sing it until everyone in New Jersey heard how much he regretted it. How it was eating at him from the inside. He loved his best friend. He loved him so much. He was the light of his life, the one person he knew really cared about him. And that no matter where they went in life, he would always feel the same towards him. Was it romantic, he couldn’t tell. He just knew that he loved him more than words could describe. 

Was it a little unhealthy? Yeah, it was. But at least he knew it and didn’t let it show. How worse could it have been if he did? 

Voice muffled by the fabric of Michael’s shirt, he pulled away for a moment. Not caring out how desperate he sounded, he sniffled, cleaning his face off as best as he could with his sleeve. 

Jeremy swallowed, cheek resting on Michael’s chest. “I don’t deserve it though. I was such an awful person, and god..” He sighed, shaking his head. “I…I don’t want you to go either. I don’t wanna lose you.”

Michael clicked his tongue and ran a hand down the other’s wrist. Part of him wanted to snap back and agree with him, and it did. He had been a dick, plain and simple. But the rest of him just couldn’t do it. He never could. 

“Shh..hey, listen. I’m not going anywhere, Jeremy. Really, I’m not!” Michael smiled somberly in an attempt to cheer him up. And Jeremy, hung onto it like a dog waiting for his owner. “I know you’re sorry and you feel like shit about it, but I’m not angry about it anymore. What’s done is done. But, I’m still here, aren’t I?” 

Jeremy nodded and returned the gesture, lips curling into a crooked half-smile. As Michael breathed out an unseen sigh of relief, Jeremy inched back towards him. Emotions heightened from what was normally a welcome smoke, he was utterly exhausted. After taking what was way too long to say all that he had kept inside, he drifted into a wobbly sleep. Michael succumbed to a fit of yawns just seconds after, palms resting in the small of the others back as he passed out. 

__________________________________

Cicadas chirped outside his window and as Jeremy tried to fall asleep, that was all he could think about. Every thought that popped into his head pertained to that night, and many others before that. It was all memories. Memories of a better time, a time that passed, and a time that he could never return to. Maybe a time that he never deserved. Taken for granted like it meant nothing more when it truthfully meant the world to him. 

Turning over in bed, he faces the window; streetlights emitting a soft glow through his curtains. God, why can’t he just stop? Why can’t he relax and be normal for once? 

Sighing, he leaned up and propped himself on his shoulders. Reaching over, he pulled his phone onto the bed and unable to sleep already, he figured it couldn’t get that much worse. 

That didn’t last long. The first thing. The very first thing Jeremy saw when he opened his phone, was a throwback picture to a birthday party.

Michael’s, to be exact. 

It was his fourteenth, barely a month after eighth grade began. He pointed behind him, face wide in fake ecstasy at the banner saying “Happy Birthday Mikey!” as if he didn’t know what day it was. He “hadn’t expected anything”, but he knew damn well that wasn’t true. The kid reveled in his birthday. He was one of the few people, if not the only person,  Jeremy knew who genuinely enjoyed it. The memory made him smile. 

For a brief moment, he forgot about everything his mind had been weighing on him before coming down from the high and back to reality. The pain knocked the wind out of him harder than before. Why? Why did it hurt him as much as it did? Why did every time he even so much as thought about Michael he felt like crying? Was it because of the whole SQUIP thing? Was it from being home after so long?

Could it have been that he lost something he so desperately wanted back?

To return to the safety of having him there and they can live in their mutually doomed relationship forever.

Where they get high and everything somehow makes sense.

Where he’s a bigger loser now more than ever and it doesn’t feel like a giant failure. 

Where he feels…happy. And loved. And life feels worth living because someone, at least one other person, cares and has been there for the entirety of all he’s done. When others left, when he figured out who he truly was, when he almost lost himself, Michael was the one that stayed. After all the work he’d done to not return to those feelings or the person he was then, was just tossed out in the blink of an eye as he realizes he’s back right where he started.

Only difference now was, he knew what this was and that he couldn’t keep it up. He was older, and despite him basically regressing somehow, thinking about Michael, his subtle yet immediate swing into the beginning of a depressive episode; he understood that what he was hoping for wasn’t real. 

He couldn’t do that. Not to him.

As much as he missed him, he didn’t want to be the burden he knew he had to be on the other. (Michael never thought he was, but in Jeremy’s own fucked up mind, that’s what he believed.) He can’t deny himself anymore, about what he’s feeling/wanting at this moment anyway. He loved Michael. More than he’d loved…anyone. 

But now as he lies awake in bed, wanting to forget about it all, the thing that calms him down  into an uneasy sleep is going back into the place he regretfully knows best. His head. 

Dreaming he’s fallen asleep in the boy with the red hoodie's arms, like he’s done so many times before, he falls asleep. Finally. Why was he so pathetic? He wasn’t any better than his own father. Trying/chasing after a love that he knew he wouldn’t get. But hey, that was tomorrow Jeremy’s problem when he inevitably woke up. 

Unbeknownst to him, his phone dings from his bedside table. 

From: maybe? Micheal

“Hey.”