#disability etiquette

[whumpinggrounds]

General Disability Etiquette for Writers

Vocab

Disabled is defined as “having a physical or mental condition that limits movement, senses, or abilities.” People can have a condition that fits these parameters and still not self-describe as disabled. This should be respected.

Neurodivergent is defined as “differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal.” You may notice this is a very vague definition, as it’s a relatively recent term, and what “counts” as neurodivergent is still being defined.

Able-bodied, nondisabled, or abled are terms that refer to people who do not have physical or mental conditions that limit their movement, senses, or abilities. These people should not be described as normal. Normal is an invented concept.

Neurotypical refers to people that are not neurodivergent. Typically, this means that these people do not have mental illness or cognitive differences.

Person First Language, or PFL is a system of referring to people as people first. An example would be describing someone as a “person with Down Syndrome.” This is the same system that guides terms like “people of color” or “people experiencing homelessness.”

Identity First Language, or IFL is a system of referring to people by their disabled identity first. Examples would include describing people as “a Deaf woman” or “an Autistic advocate.” This is the same system that guides terms like “queer woman” or “trans person.”

There are communities that have broad opinions on PFL versus IFL, but when in doubt, ask the individual you’re referring to what they prefer. Do not ever tell someone their preferred identifier is wrong. Until recently, there was a big push for PFL to be the standard, and even able-bodied people felt comfortable pushing that, sometimes against the wishes of disabled people who preferred IFL. Person first language is not “more PC” than identity first, and people’s individual choices about this should be respected no matter what.

Accessible bathroom/parking space/seating is vastly preferred to “handicapped bathroom/parking/seating.”

In general, the disabled community rejects terms like handicapped, but also euphemisms such as special/special needs, twice exceptional, differently abled, or handi-capable. Again, there may be people who feel differently about this, and that’s okay!

Accessible refers not just to spaces that can be accessed by wheelchairs. If you’re writing for a specific character’s access needs, a space can be described as accessible even if it does not fit other imaginable access needs. If a space is being described as universally accessible, please try to consider needs beyond mobility.

Accommodations refer to alterations made to make a space or program accessible. This is not the same as the space/program being accessible. If changes need to be made in order to fit a disabled character’s needs, that space is being accommodating, not accessible.

Functioning labels and “mental ages” are widely considered inappropriate. They’ve also been widely used for a long time, and are still prevalent, but they ignore the changing and complex reality of disabled bodyminds and should be avoided.

Bodymind is a term that refers to the body and mind as a single integrated unit, where the mind/brain/consciousness cannot and should not be meaningfully separated from the body/embodied experience

Support needs refer to what a person needs to live their life. This can range from someone needing a wheelchair to move, to someone needing a car to drive to work. Able bodied people also have support needs.

Ableism is discrimination on the basis of disability. This refers to any kind of disability.

Sanism is discrimination on the basis of mental illness specifically.

Lateral ableism refers to ableism coming from a person or community that also falls under the disabled umbrella.

Eugenics refers to the idea that the human race can be “improved” by selecting for certain genes that are felt to be “superior.” It is a concept with a long, extremely dark history, and is widely considered a despicable idea and practice. Though it is widely condemned, the ideas and values that underlie eugenicist thinking still affect policy, treatment of disabled people, and imagined futures.

Please do some research on the specific diagnosis you’re writing about to find out what language is appropriate and inappropriate. I’m not going to make an exhaustive list here, mostly because I don’t want to write out a bunch of shitty ableist terms that still won’t cover everything. If you’re unsure about something, look it up.

General Etiquette

It is not appropriate to ask people person medical questions and expect answers. It is not appropriate to tell someone that you pity them, that you’ll pray for them, or that they inspire you. Do not give advice to disabled people about their bodies, diagnoses, or treatments. Generally speaking, no one should talk to disabled people as though they are any different than an able-bodied person.

How does this apply to your writing? Don’t have your characters behave in ways that run counter to the above points, and frame it as a good thing. Even if they’re doing their disabled friend/neighbor/stranger a favor, consider why the recipient of help needs to be disabled, and why this is an easy way to show that your character is “good.” Do not have your character appear and “cure” or easily solve difficult aspects of a disabled character’s life.

Disabled people don’t owe anyone explanations. This may include your audience. If it comes up, if it’s integral to the story, or if you simply want to, go into depth about your character’s disability or diagnosis. Also consider having a character that has a disability and do not explain what it is, or where it came from. (Shoutout Furiosa from Mad Max: Fury Road)

Disabled people are capable. Just because someone has support needs does not mean that they are totally dependent on others. Agency can look like doing something for oneself, but it can also look like being the person in charge of what’s being done, even if tasks are physically completed by others.

Do not pet, talk to, or approach a working service dog. Don’t even tell a working dog that they’re a good boy/girl/dog. Dogs are animals and they’re easily distracted. Owners should not have to worry that their dog missed something, or restart a complicated series of commands, because you wanted to say hi to their dog.

Assume competence. Always assume that a disabled person, no matter how they present, is capable of communicating for themselves. Do not talk down to them or address the people they may be with. Even if they have a cognitive, intellectual, or developmental disability.

You cannot always tell if a person has a cognitive, intellectual, or a developmental disability. They may have a speech impediment. They may communicate differently than you do. Their first language may not be English. They may be overstimulated or distracted and their communication may suffer as a result of that.

Disabled people have rights. This seems obvious, but I’m going to talk a bit more about what this means. Even cognitively disabled people have the right to decide what happens to them. This includes the right to refuse lifesaving care. As we know from the well-publicized Britney Spears conservatorship story, it is possible to transfer the rights of a disabled/neurodivergent person to an abled, neurotypical guardian. This is a relatively rare, expensive, and complicated process. It’s also often abused or misunderstood. Generally speaking, your disabled characters should have the right to control what happens to them, same as any abled character.

Research the community/disability/diagnosis that you’re writing about! Understand the medical implications, but try to get perspective on the social issues as well. Try to understand the community as well!

As ever, none of this is set in stone. Much of it is opinion based! This one in particular is short and very vague; for more specific guidance, research individual disabilities or check out the things I’ve already posted on writing disabilities. If you have questions, comments, or especially concerns, please visit me in my ask box. Happy writing!

[majaurukalo]

If you are non-disabled and have disabled friends and want to invite them into your home that is inaccessible, warn them beforehand. We are not going to kill you 😂

I had friends who invited me into their homes and when I found flights of stairs they went like “uuupsie”. This irks me more than knowing it beforehand, it sounds almost like a mockery.

I don’t want to sound harsh but just a heads up like “Maja, I’m sorry but there are stairs to reach my house. I will help you though, we’ll find a way, don’t worry” is enough. We cripples appreciate it a great deal.

Also, I’m not blaming anyone for living in inaccessible houses. That’s how our society is built unfortunately. And it’s not my friends or people’s fault.

But don’t do me the “upsie” thing. Let’s do a team job. Yeah?

[summerreign4077]

PSA: “You look so pretty without your glasses!” or some other variation of that statement is NOT the compliment that you think it is. Please don’t ever say something like that to a person who has to rely on glasses to be able to see.

[missmitchieg]

Disability Etiquette: How We Can All Be More Considerate in 2023

[aetherial-boy]

- Don’t touch my mobility aids. I don’t care if they’re ‘in your way’. Either ask me if I can move them, or sit / stand somewhere else that doesn’t involve touching my stuff.

- I don’t have to answer all the ‘what happened’ ‘why do you need that’ ‘but you look fine’ type questions. I don’t have to answer any of your questions, actually, and you need to respect that.

- When I say I can’t do something that’s not a reason to question me about it, it means I can’t do the thing. Full stop. No amount of ‘have you tried this’ is gonna make me magically able to do it.

- If we’re friends, don’t stop asking me to do things with you or come places with you just because I’m disabled. I know what I can do, and even when I can’t take part in the whole of what we’re doing I still want to come along and hang out with you.

- I can see you staring at me and hear you talk about me. I know my tics might be ‘annoying’ and you think I look ‘weird’, keep it to yourself please. I can’t control it and it’s a lot less awkward for both of us if you just try your best to ignore them. I’m probably just as embarrassed about having them happen as you claim you are for me - I don’t want to know that they give you ‘second-hand embarrassment’ thank you very much.

(I included this because my tics are caused by a physical disability and also society is still very Not Normal about people ticcing in public)

Calling all cripplepunk folks!

So I have been asked to lead a group at my recovery center about disability etiquette. This is much-needed as I have had my mobility aids manhandled three times in the past three weeks with staff brushing it off and blaming me for being in the way instead of making an announcement for people to not do this.

This is a fantastic opportunity to have a significant impact on a place that desperately needs it. All i am asking is that you reblog or reply to this post with at least one thing you wished abled people would do differently regarding your disability.

I'll pick as many as I can reasonably fit into one presentation to show to the recovery center, and I'll be sure to update y'all on how it went!

Additionally, if you have any resources on disability etiquette, feel free to share them!

If you can't, reblogging it to spread it would be appreciated too!

[queen-anarchy-666]

Okay so apparently kids these days don't know how to be safe online because their parents are fucking stupid and don't know anything about the internet!!!

So I'm gonna tell you teenagers how to be safe and not get abused because there is no shortage of predators on the internet. I'm gonna go from super basic things you can do to keep yourself safe to more specific instances where a predator may be trying to groom you that you can recognize. Remember though; if you are abused or have been abused it is not your fault. You deserve protection and you deserve respect as a minor, regardless of how you spend your time on the internet. Victim blaming helps nobody but predators, but there are ways you can protect yourself, even though you shouldn't always have to.

Basic tips:

DO NOT SHARE YOUR REAL NAME

DO NOT SHARE YOUR AGE

DO NOT SHARE WHERE YOU LIVE

DO NOT SHARE PHOTOS OR VIDEOS OF YOURSELF

DO NOT SHARE PHOTOS OF YOUR HOUSE

IT IS OKAY TO BLOCK WHOEVER YOU WANT, WHENEVER YOU WANT, REGARDLESS OF THE REASON.

Don't sacrifice your safety, comfort, or peace of mind just for someone else's feelings! Especially a stranger! Also, if you think something is off, it probably is. You need to trust your gut. SPEAK UP! Tell a trusted friend, sibling, or adult! I'm sure you've heard the phrase "silence is violence" -- this phrase goes for abuse as well! Unsafe people want you to stay quiet so they can continue to harm you or others. It is not inherently problematic to have friends who are adults, in fact it is healthy and helpful to have friends who are older than you, however we live in a world where you cannot trust many adults, so you need to be cautious of adults you encounter at all times, including ones you know well or are well known by others. It is also not inherently problematic to be asked many of the questions above, but it is important to ask yourself whether or not you want to give that information to the person asking. If not, simply tell them that you do not give out that information and redirect the conversation, or block if you feel uncomfortable.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, DO NOT INSERT YOURSELF INTO ADULT SPACES.

I know it is tempting, especially with the way hormones effect judgement and your emotions, and we all want to be included, but inserting yourself into spaces you know you should not be by lying about your age is incredibly unsafe and leads to horrible situations that aren't always easy to get out of. This includes adult fandom spaces, websites, searching adult topics, NSFW blogs or accounts, and even group chats. Even if your friends invite you to these spaces, it does not mean you should neglect your safety to be accepted. It's okay and encouraged to say no. You will thank yourself when you get older!

More Specific Tips:

YOU SHOULDN'T PUT YOUR MENTAL ILLNESSES OR DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES IN YOUR BIOS ON YOUR ACCOUNTS.

Awareness and solidarity for mental illness and disabilities is very important, however predators are more likely to go after people who may have a more difficult time discerning what is normal and what is not in social situations, especially when speaking to an authority figure like an adult. Do not make yourself a target by listing the ways you struggle with social cues, understanding rules and safety, or communication. It is okay to seek solidarity, but there are predators seeking out disabled and mentally ill youths to abuse.

DO NOT OFFER INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL ON THE INTERNET.

It is dangerous to release information about your whereabouts in any capacity on the internet, especially your school where you are doubly putting your peers and classmates in danger as well. If you come into contact or into the orbit of a predator that is bent on finding you or meeting you, your school is a public place where one may feel brazen enough to pretend they know you. Even if other kids are doing it by posting fight videos or even innocent videos, doesn't mean you should.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE INSISTS THEY'RE A SAFE PERSON DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE.

People lie on the internet all the time, including in some really bizarre and meaningless ways, but there will always be people who lie to get closer to someone to make them a victim. Just because someone tells you they are against abuse or even if they advocate against it does not mean that they themselves are a safe person. Predators will do anything they can to get you to trust them, and while predators are usually very pushy and want things to go quickly, some will take their time to groom you.

!!!!BIG RED FLAGS!!!!

IF YOU SEE ANY OF THIS BEHAVIOR, RUN! BLOCK AND REPORT PEOPLE WHO DO THESE THINGS FOR YOUR SAFETY! IT'S NEVER WORTH STICKING AROUND THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE!

THEY CONTINUALLY SEND YOU SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL, INCLUDING FANART, FANFIC, AND VIDEOS.

THEY TELL YOU AGE IS JUST A NUMBER, OR LOVE HAS NO AGE.

THEY EXPRESS THE OPINION THAT MINORS CAN CONSENT TO SEXUAL ACTIVITY.

THEY CONSTANTLY MAKE "JOKES" ABOUT MINORS IN A SEXUAL WAY OR ABOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO MINORS.

THEY EMPHASIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING "LEGAL" AT THE AGE OF 18 OR FIXATE ON AGE OF CONSENT LAWS.

THEY GET ANGRY AT YOU FOR SETTING A BOUNDARY OR IF YOU MENTION TELLING YOUR PARENTS.

THEY ENJOY "LOLI" OR "SHOTA" MATERIAL OR ENTHUSE ABOUT THOSE TYPES OF CHARACTERS.

THEY CALL YOU PET NAMES THAT YOU AREN'T COMFORTABLE WITH, EVEN WHEN YOU TELL THEM NOT TO.

THEY ASK YOU HIGHLY PERSONAL QUESTIONS ABOUT SEXUAL ACTIVITY, YOUR PERIODS, OR MASTURBATION.

THEY TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE MATURE FOR YOUR AGE, OR THAT YOU'RE NOT LIKE OTHER KIDS BECAUSE YOU'RE MORE ADULT THAN THEY ARE.

THEY ASK YOU TO SEND PHOTOS OR VIDEOS OF YOURSELF DOING SEXUALLY CHARGED THINGS, WHICH INCLUDES DANCING OR STRIPPING, OR SPECIFIC PARTS OF YOUR BODY.

THEY KEEP STEERING THE CONVERSATION IN A SEXUAL DIRECTION. THIS INCLUDES ROLEPLAY!

NONE OF THIS BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL. IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR AN ADULT TO ASK HIGHLY PERVASIVE QUESTIONS OR TO BECOME PUSHY OR ANGRY IF YOU EXPRESS DISCOMFORT. BLOCK AND REPORT THESE TYPE OF PEOPLE, THEY EXHIBIT BEHAVIOR CONSISTENT WITH SEXUAL ABUSE PATTERNS.

Adults and Minors alike please feel free to reblog. It is imperative that young people who don't know these things learn them, because the only thing a predator hates more than a jail cell is a minor who cannot be abused.

[incognitopolls]

Anon says that when multiple sentences are bolded, they become unreadable. They're unsure why, since common wisdom holds that bolding should make it easier for people with reading- or language-related disabilities to read a long block of text.

I (pollmonger) would posit that bold isn't meant to be used for full sentences and bold sentences are (generally speaking) harder to read. If you emphasize everything, you effectively emphasize nothing. The most useful application of bold text is for short, salient keywords. But we're interested to see what others think.

–

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[curiositysavesthecat]

Is it okay for people who have no disability, aren't elderlies or pregnant, to sit on the seats reserved for disabled, elderlies or pregnant passengers on a bus/train. etc?

Answer choices below:

It's fine if they're tired and really have to sit down and there's no other seats or any disabled people or people who are in need on the vehicle, but they should still get up and give up the seat once/if disabled people or people who are in need get on the bus/train

It's fine if they're tired and really have to sit down and there's no other seats or any disabled people on the vehicle, they should not be asked to get up and give up their seat once/if disabled people or people who are in need get on the bus/train either.

It's fine for anybody to sit there even if they're not tired, if there's no other seats or any disabled people on the vehicle, but they should get up and give up their seat once/if disable people or people who are in need get on the bus/train

It's fine for anybody to sit there even if they're not tired, if there's no other seats or any disabled people on the vehicle, and they should not be asked to get up and give up their seat once/if disabled people or people who are in need get on the bus/train either.

It's ALWAYS fine for anybody to sit there even if there're other seats available, as long as there's no disabled people or people who are in need on the vehicle. They should get up and give up the seat once/if disabled people or people who are in need get on the bus/train

It's ALWAYS fine for anybody to sit there. No matter what. They should not give up the seat once/if disabled people or people who are in need get on the bus/train either

*This poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. If you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post).

[that-polyamorous-brat]

Consent and Ableism

I think it goes without saying that you should not touch strangers without permission on purpose. However, this rule being completely ignored is a common experience among disabled people. Our mobility aids are just as much a part of us as our hair and clothes.

Just as you should not shove people out of your way, you should not shove someone's mobility aid out of your way. This is probably going to end in a bit of a personal rant, but just because I have wheels doesn't mean you should push me. Just because I am disabled doesn't mean you should assume that I won't understand "excuse me." And just because my wheelchair doesn't look like your able legs doesn't mean I can't (gladly!) get out of your way by myself when politely requested. And no, saying "excuse me" while pushing my wheelchair out of your way (unless I've allowed or offered you to do that) is not polite.

Tell all your friends to please remember:

We are disabled, not f-ing shopping carts.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Hey abled people

Don't offer to assist someone just to be polite

You don't get to offer to push me and then turn around and complain when I accept, or push me for like a minute and then give up while complaining.

I get if you didn't realize how heavy it is or that you might not be strong enough, just say that and apologize. And then STOP PUSHING ME. Don't continue while bitching and making me feel bad.

If you bitch at me it's only going to make me feel worse and everyone around us is going to be mad at ME for "taking advantage of you"

Usually I will only ask for help when I am at my limit, or when I'm around a group of friends I trust, so they can switch off if they get tired. When I need to get up a hill and no one is there to help I just get out and push. Until I get a power assist I still will need help from time to time.

Also in most cases, a stranger won't want or need your help unless they are in immediate need and usually then we will ask. It's very uncomfortable to have a stranger touch your chair.

You don't need to ask every wheelchair user if they need help. I think in some countries it's considered polite to ask but please..just stop if you can't back it up and actually help!!!

[ghostisventing]

Pro tip: don’t call people with social anxiety/selective mutism/autism/nvld assholes or other names just because they can’t respond to waiters.

I don’t think you guys actually know what these conditions are. It’s not “using mental illness as an excuse”, many people with social anxiety and selective mutism are literally UNABLE to talk back. It’s not a choice. Many people with nvld and autism don’t do “normal social rules” BECAUSE THATS LITERALLY WHAT DEFINES THOSE DISORDERS

Mentally ill and neurodivergent people aren’t being rude. We’re not intentionally ignoring you.

And if you’re gonna pull the “if it’s so hard why are you out in public” bullshit, then don’t. We’re allowed to be in public. We’re allowed to challenge ourselves. And if we can’t do it? It’s not the end of the world.

Telling someone with social anxiety or selective mutism they shouldn’t be in public is quite literally the worst thing you can do. Every therapist I’ve ever had recommended the OPPOSITE. To go out MORE. That’s quite literally how people overcome it.

You guys are all “mental health matters” until it’s not mild anxiety or depression. Stop judging people who struggle in social situations. All it does is make it worse.

[capricorn-0mnikorn]

Heard this on the radio, this afternoon (2 May, 2023).

The story is semi-autobiographical, because the author also grew up with one leg, and it gives me hope, because it's not "Inspirational" like the kids' books about disability were when I was growing up.

The Moral? It is not your responsibility to be an educational resource. And, as a matter of fact, it's your responsibility to set boundaries, and not let people get away with rude questions.

I know it's cliche to say: "I wish I had a book like this when I was growing up," but, yeah, I do.

[purringfayestudio]

understandable but id like to say as a disabled person body horror genre is actually full of disabled authors. the horror of having a body which hurts and also the wonder of inhabiting a body widely considered nonnormative speaks to a lot of us!

Thank you for sharing. I think it's very important that people have an opportunity to explore and express their experiences. Body horror is a diverse topic and there is certainly more to it than we can cover in a single tumblr post.

Regarding my mention of the ethical issues concerning body horror, I was referring to how body horror often perpetuates the fear people have of "nonnormative" bodies and the idea that disabilities are the result of "sin" and are thus used as a visual representation of evil. There is also the tendency for people to label certain traits as "body horror" in an excuse to exclude (or censor) disabled people from the public.

I am also disabled. My body frequently moves in ways I can't control, and bends in ways that hurt and others find unsettling. I have been treated differently because of it. My disability is rarely shown in media except to make villains more frightening, and a part of me dies every time.

The negative use of body horror is certainly different from intentionally exploring the topic in a way that is meaningful to the author and respectful toward disabled people. I think it's fantastic that people are finding wonder through this medium, and honestly I see an element of this exploration in my own fiction writing. There is a big difference between body horror that explores the vulnerability of what it means to be human and the reality of living with disability, versus body horror that pushes the ablest threat narrative.

Sharing creations that intentionally explore body horror to an intended audience is also different from interpreting it in someone or something that was not meant to be (nor appropriate to be) perceived as grotesque. There is an element of consent to being considered horror in order to see it as a good thing. I don't understand how anyone can label someone's non-horror-genre art as "horrifying" and expect it to be well received.

Obviously labeling a plush process is leagues apart from labeling a human being, but there's still something about using that specific terminology on something so utterly vanilla as a fabric plushie being turned right-side-out to "warn others" that tastes sour to me.

[splatoon-countdown]

I just had an idea. Perhaps we could all change our in-game nicknames to "FREE GAZA" or "SAVE GAZA" to show our support. It sounds a bit silly, but it could spread the message about this terrible genocide. Obviously, you should be doing so, so much more than just changing your display name in a video game, but it's an extra thing you can do maximize your support. Maybe after a protest, when you want to relax from the stress of it, you can still wind down with a game of Splatoon while still showing support. It would be awesome if this started spreading, and a bunch of people starting changing their display names to this, and maybe even made a bunch of plaza posts about it! If you have a following in the Splatoon community, you should reblog this to spread the message. Maybe even repost it to Twitter/X! I saw a plaza post about the matter and it made me feel even more determined to do all I can. The more of us who work together, the stronger we become!!

[bisexualseraphim]

Calling all autistic people: I want to ask you all a question.

So when I was growing up I was constantly drilled into with the typical Christian lessons of “treat people how you want to be treated” and “if you wouldn’t like it said/done, to you, don’t say/do it at all.”

This turned out to not be very helpful to me.

BECAUSE… I have always been an extremely relaxed person. There’s not much you could say or do to me that would offend me or make me uncomfortable.

So until I hit my twenties (yes that’s a very embarrassing age I know and trust me I’m deeply ashamed of it), because of these teachings my mindset would always be, “Well I wouldn’t mind if someone started talking about their theories on how Hitler managed to rise to power and have so much support when the Nazis’ beliefs are so objectively horrible to most of us today while we’re all trying to do our biology homework together, so following the logic I’ve been taught this means other people must feel the same way.”

They did not. (Of course, people generally wouldn’t TELL me this until months later when I eventually asked why everyone kept disappearing at playtime when we were meant to be in study group.)

Thankfully I went to therapy and received a lot of support on brushing up on social etiquette during the pandemic (which was such a fucking struggle because once again, everything I was taught my entire life turned out to be wrong actually and the rules kept changing), but I’m just wondering — did anyone else experience this phenomenon of assuming other people’s feelings are the same as your own, or something similar? Is this a common thing for autistic people to experience? If so, is there a name for it or any research on why it happens and methods to prevent it?

(I’m not excusing any of my poor behaviours by the way but surprise surprise, the ‘Misses Social Cues and Speaks Inappropriately Disorder’ sometimes causes people to miss social cues and speak inappropriately lol)