#disabled friends

[majaurukalo]

If you are non-disabled and have disabled friends and want to invite them into your home that is inaccessible, warn them beforehand. We are not going to kill you 😂

I had friends who invited me into their homes and when I found flights of stairs they went like “uuupsie”. This irks me more than knowing it beforehand, it sounds almost like a mockery.

I don’t want to sound harsh but just a heads up like “Maja, I’m sorry but there are stairs to reach my house. I will help you though, we’ll find a way, don’t worry” is enough. We cripples appreciate it a great deal.

Also, I’m not blaming anyone for living in inaccessible houses. That’s how our society is built unfortunately. And it’s not my friends or people’s fault.

But don’t do me the “upsie” thing. Let’s do a team job. Yeah?

[slightlydepressedmelon]

if your acceptance and accommodation of those with disabilities doesn’t include invisible disabilities you’re doing it wrong

[possum-dyke]

Hey if you want to be my casual online friend (for now) or if we already have a relationship and would like to get closer please slide into my dms or heart this message

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[smoov-criminal]

we need to stop equating lack of independence with lack of maturity. people that live with their parents or have a caregiver or don't work or need more support than others aren't inherently immature. there's lots of reasons why people would be in this situation, even outside of disability (plenty of cultures out there expect people to live with their parents past what we consider the beginning of adulthood), and regardless of the reason we deserve support and community through what is already likely to be an isolating experience. don't make it worse for us

[somerandomg33k]

We haven't had a rambling vent post from me in a while. So here we go.

How am I feeling? Tired. Weeks ago, I was in a discord voice call with friends of mine. It was a while since we talk before just hanging out. One turn on her camera to show something. And since others had their camera on, I turn on my camera. And my friend said, "Jonathan, you look tired." I am always tired. It is a combination of working 60 hours a week and sometimes staying up until 2 am on weeknights playing Fortnite.

I do need to work 6 days a week and the ten hours or more days. But also, why I tend to work so much is to try to support my disabled friends. I have like five of them who are disabled, can't work, and always need money. But that is another thing that makes me feel tired. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for my friends. There will be no relief for them.

Right now, Johanna is about 200 in the hole and has no money for food for her and her trans-enby son. Phoenix is so far into the red that they don't want to look at their are afraid to open their bank account. And their teeth arche. They need a root canal. And they don't even know where to get the $150 co-pay for that procedure. NaztheNeko and Lynnaquinn can't seem to get ahead. They are asking for money, passing the hat around every two weeks for sure, almost every week. And I haven't even talked about Joey Fire Lame Deer's situation much. But it is starting to feel like even if I work six 12 hour days, that probably won't be enough money to be able to support all of my disabled friends.

Oh yea, I gave on my 24.5k of credit card a long time ago. I know my friends are concerned about me having as much credit card debt. Stop being concerned for me. I will always have $24.5k of credit card debt if that means that my friends can eat. "if you post their info, I will share the shit out of it." Yea, I have almost given up on that too. Either I don't post enough on social media for my donation posts for my friends to get traction. Or even if they do get traction, everyone of my friends and followers are probably as poor as I am. And most likely I am the only one of the few that will charge up their credit cards like I do. And maybe what most are willing to do is an one time donation. And I don't know how to convince folks that my friends need regular donations. Recuring donations. Like every month, or even every week. But how many people can I get to commit to making weekly donations to Johanna, Phoenix, Naz & LQ, and Joey Fire Lame Deer?

That is why I feel the need to put it on myself to work as many hours as I do for all of my friends. Because it feels hopeless for them anyway. I feel helpless when I can't give money to my friends.

And I know that if I frequently work 12 hour days, most of the time free at home will just be spent sleeping. My time in the morning is just to get dress and leave for work. Most nights, I should really just eat and go to bed. I generally give myself 2 hours, maybe of gaming time. But then, I am up until 2 am or later. And then sleep in until 8:30 am or more. Today, on this Saturday, I didn't get out of bed until like 9:30 am. And if I want to put in my 12 hours, I don't want to get to work at 10:30 am or later. And yet I do most days. And hate myself for that too. So it is either work less and make less money, or have less fun.

This is what Capitalism wants. Wants us to feel helpless and hopeless. Think it is impossible to change the system. Or just cause us to be so focus on keeping ourselves alive, we are too tired to fight to dismantle their system. And yet many many people defend Capitalism. "What is wrong with their being a small business owner?" Urg. I am just tired. And always tired.

[colourmeastonished]

Body swap movie where one of them has invisible disabilities and when the other one lands in their body they immediately collapse catatonic on the floor from the pain and fatigue and the first one is like 'oh damn guess I don't have to worry that I'm faking it anymore'

[renthony]

Your personal triggers and squicks do not get to determine what kind of art other people make.

People make shit. It's what we do. We make shit to explore, to inspire, to explain, to understand, but also to cope, to process, to educate, to warn, to go, "hey, wouldn't that be fucked up? Wild, right?"

Yes, sure, there are things that should be handled with care if they are used at all. But plenty more things are subjective. Some things are just not going to be to your tastes. So go find something that is to your tastes and stop worrying so much about what other people are doing and trying to dictate universal moral precepts about art based on your personal triggers and squicks.

I find possession stories super fucking triggering if I encounter them without warning, especially if they function as a sexual abuse metaphor. I'm not over here campaigning for every horror artist to stop writing possession stories because they make me feel shaky and dissociated. I just check Does The Dog Die before watching certain genres, and I have my husband or roommate preview anything I think might upset me so they can give me more detail. And if I genuinely don't think I can't handle it, I don't watch it. It's that simple.

[crimeronan]

CDC finally fuckin' recommended the new COVID boosters for everyone in the US. letting my american followers who don't check the news know because i've been turned away for wanting to get an extra booster & now won't be anymore & it's Lovely. most americans are not going to get these and are going to grumble about them, which sucks as far as spread goes - but DOES mean u can schedule with ur local pharmacy sooner rather than later. please do so. ur immunocompromised friends and ur own body will thank u.

[opalsiren]

disabled/chronically ill people in general do not have the same number of usable hours as ableds. i can't meet my friend tomorrow because i need to wash my hair, and i can't meet them the day after because i need to do a load of laundry. i can't meet them thursday because i have an important appointment on friday, and if i overdo it on thursday i'll have to cancel friday's appointment. then i can't meet them on saturday because i'll be recovering from going out on friday, if i even manage to make it out the house. the old 'we all have the same 24 hours in the day' saying does not apply to us.

[seventeendeer]

ppl are too quick to point to laios' disability as the reason his friends think he's a freak sometimes. so many instances of laios getting yelled at are, in my eyes, a case of "this guy had to emotionally mature very early in order to be there for his little sister" combined with "much older friends who never had to learn to manage their own emotions to the same degree"

a lot of the time he's right about needing to be more direct/deal with things in a way that may seem scary/needing to put your gut reaction aside. he tries not to make his friends uncomfortable and he puts up with a lot because he's trying to keep the peace, but he also pushes the others out of their comfort zones purposefully to try to get them to think more constructively. everyone else in the party is prone to acting on their gut instincts and avoiding uncomfortable situations even when facing them head-on is very much necessary. part of what makes laios such a great leader is the fact that he knows from experience how to put his own feelings aside to help someone else grow.

yes, he does make a lot of social blunders by accident and he does struggle to connect with others, but not all of his positive influence on others is accidental or "despite" making people uncomfortable. a lot of the time, I think it's clear he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to help the people around him process emotions in a healthy way as they all go through some truly harrowing shit. all the main characters support each other as well as they can with their unique emotional skillsets. laios' skillset just happens to be "gently talk child into eating her vegetables"

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[hiiragi7]

For some intersex people, we do need surgeries. We do need medications. We do need this or that.

And that's perfectly okay.

People talk a lot about how intersexuality isn't a disorder, and that's important work, but it's also okay if you are disordered or disabled directly from being intersex. I know I am.

It's also perfectly fine if your intersex traits cause you suffering and you wish to change them.

Part of my intersex traits included a uterus and ovaries that did not work well and made me very, very sick. They caused me quite a lot of pain and suffering. I had them removed several years ago and it is one of the best decisions I've made.

Intersexuality isn't inherently a disorder and at the same time it can be incredibly disordering or disabling, and that's okay. Intersexuality isn't inherently suffering and at the same time it can cause quite a lot of suffering and that's okay. Acknowledging this is really important.

[ancient-reverie]

a moment of silence for all us disabled ones who had to watch each of their friends move on with their lives without you and get jobs, go to school, have partners come and go, get engaged and move house etc.

shout out to my fellow struggling people who are still sitting in the same bedroom they grew up in. the ones who can't get a job, can't make new friends, can't find a partner or partners, can't move house and can't go to school.

I hope one day we can all find someone to at least sit with us in our rooms. I see you and I understand... and I'm sorry we can't be that person for each other

[ink-asunder]

We NEED to reevaluate how we view people with "red flags" that don't actually indicate harm to anyone. Things like "doesn't like animals," "doesn't have pets," "my pets immediately distrust them, so that means they're Secretly Evil."

I have a psychotic disorder. I suffer from flat affect. I have zero control over how I am emoting, and very often my emotional readout is completely blank. A LOT of animals (dogs especially) have exhibited aggression and fear around me ever since this started. (There are only TWO dogs I've met in the last five years that didn't BITE ME.) Dogs are unsettled by me because of a symptom of my psychosis--a condition that is out of my control that IS NOT DANGEROUS and doesn't harm anyone.

I also have a severe autoimmune disease and severe allergies to basically all animals. Whenever I tell people I can't come over because they have pets, or I don't have/want pets of my own, the IMMEDIATE response I always get is "why don't you like animals?" So I'm always pretty pissed off when I have to say, "I'm severely allergic. Don't fucking assume I have an undesireable quality just because I'm not a pet owner."

Another ableist red flag we need to talk about is "has no other friends/all their friends break up with them." Hi. I'm physically disabled with a digestive disease and a degenerative disease in my spine. That means my dietary restrictions are stupid and I can't sit/stand/walk for more than 15 minutes without being in pain. Most of the friends I break up with, I do so BECAUSE THEY ARE INCREDIBLY ABLEIST TO ME with no visible potential of changing. From people relentlessly harrassing me about lifestyle changes to not accepting correction or feedback when I tell them "hey, you CAN'T do x because it triggers y condition." If they argue or blow me off, I'm not their fucking friend!

Tl;dr: Disabled, chronically ill, and people with "scary" mental illnesses are often lumped in with "bad people" for characteristics that hurt no one and aren't in their control. Stop using "my dog is uncomfortable around them" as a litmus test for everyone you hang out with.

[jewish-microwave-laser]

y'all's solidarity with disabled people leaving your bodies when you get the chance to make a joke about incontinence