#demisexual things

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #354

I slept through my phone alarm for 23 whole minutes. And since I only gave myself half an hour to get ready to begin with, I ended up needing to get ready for work in record time. I put my hair in a bun and got dressed and got all my stuff together quickly enough that even though I woke at 8:23am, I was out the door and heading to work by 8:40am.

Pretty proud of myself for that, actually. And I made it to work in time, no problem. Still, I wish that the inside of my head didn't look like this for 17 solid minutes:

...Ultimately, no harm done, though.

I guess I must have really been feeling like crud yesterday; it's not like me to sleep through an alarm. Normally, I wake up at least 5 minutes before my alarm goes off. It's very bizarre.

...Oh well.

Aside from doing the usual things like bagging and labeling breads and rolls, I was also tasked with making scones!! Making scones is a lot like making muffins, except you use the big muffin scoop, and kinda just... splorp them onto a baking tray covered in parchment paper. Like this:

...It's harder than it looks. At least for me, anyways. The dough for the scones is kinda tough; even the giant industrial stand mixer has a hard time mixing it together; the dough tends to kinda just clump around the center of the mixing paddle, and you gotta stop the machine and kinda scrumble it around with your hands a little and then restart it. Otherwise, you get a batter that's blue on the outside and not at all mixed on the inside. Funky and unpleasant, for sure.

But still, I try to level off the scoop even with tough dough. It requires a little more strength to do repeatedly than I currently have. But that's all right. Once all the scone dough is plopped onto the baking sheet, you dust the top with sugar...

...The sugar is hard to see, but it's there, I promise! Haha...

I was so tired after filling up a bunch of cookie sheets with these that I didn't even think to take a picture of them after the first set was done baking. I'm sorry about that. But I did remember to grab some salmon after I got done with my shift. I went home and put it away in the fridge for later use; today, I was supposed to meet with a friend that I made on the friend-making app. This will be the second time we've gotten together for bubble tea at Eggcellent! His name is Ja, and he's got a background in psychology and nursing! And he writes books, too!

...I was really glad that he still talks to me and that he still wants to hang out. Most of the people I've met on this app, sadly, decided to bail shortly after figuring out that I have less than zero interest in casual or quick romance or physical intimacy.

...Actually, I feel pretty intense disgust at the idea of getting romantic or sexual with someone I don't know well. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. Like.

...First of all, I'm not entirely sure I even know what romance is. I go watch movies and cuddle and go out to eat with my friends fairly regularly. I'm there to support them and talk to them and help them through their problems. Like... to me, this is all just friend stuff. This isn't reserved for lifepartners, in my head.

As far as physical intimacy goes... I can't do that with someone unless I know them extremely well – well enough to know without a shadow of a doubt that I can accept them for all that they are. It's not about the gratification of the senses, it's not about consuming the other person or about being consumed by them, and it's not about any exchange of power, the way most other people seem to like to do it. In my head, it's a gift – an act of trust, respect, and vulnerability that can only ever be done if I feel 10,000% safe and certain with the other person. It's only after that sense of trust and safety and thorough knowing occurs that I can feel any desire whatsoever to celebrate with worshipful adoration the vessel that allows their soul to hang out with me in this place. And even then, they also have to want that and to want to reciprocate that before I'll want anything to do with it at all.

I have a lot of barriers between me and developing those kinds of feelings for someone. And I like it that way, because it prevents me from getting closely involved with people who seek only to use, exploit, control, or consume, or abuse me. And it prevents me from getting closely involved with people I'm simply not compatible with, too. And both of these are very good things.

Sadly... I've found that I've been being matched with people who seem to think that “polyamorous” is synonymous with “easy to get in the pants of”. And this is despite the disclaimers that I've put up, saying explicitly that it will take at least 6 months of consistent contact with a person (and my mind has to evaluate them as “safe”, “truthful”, and “genuinely kind” by the time those 6 months elapse) before I'll even be vaguely willing to consider the possibility of any kind of close relationship with them. I guess some people consider this boundary as a challenge to be overcome rather than a statement of fact, and it's fucking lame as hell. And as you might surmise, I'm finding that a decent number of people I've “matched” with fall into that category.

This is all just a really long way of saying that, “I'm overjoyed that Ja didn't bail after it became clear that we're definitely not going to boink anytime soon, if ever.” Because literally almost everyone else bailed after they realized that they're not gonna fucking change my mind about the required conditions.

Basically the only way to get into my pants is to begin talking to me and getting to know me without any initial interest in getting in my pants. I feel like if someone is getting to know me while wanting to get into my pants, then they're getting to know me for all the wrong reasons. Their motives become suspect to me, and if their motives are suspect, my brain will immediately evaluate them as “unsafe”, “untruthful”, and “disingenuous”. And once a person gets that evaluation within my head, it's next to impossible to reverse it. I don't trust easily (despite appearances), and once that trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get it back.

Well anyhoot. I got a bubble tea – houjicha with rose syrup, barley bits, tea jelly, sago, and cream cheese foam!! Want some?

We talked about his novel, and his new method of writing it. And we talked about recovery from abuse and the strides we've both made. And then we started talking about the mechanics of cults (abusive family systems and Nazis and the KKK are all cults, or at very least, cult-like). And then J popped by during his break, and we talked some more about cults and possible ways of fostering community for people in cults who wanna not be in cults anymore (lots of humans are literally hard-wired to choose “community” over “morality”, and that's why these things happen...).

Ja does not seem to feel “threatened” by the presence of J in the same way that other friends I've tried to make have. Thank goodness for that. Thank goodness.

J brought me home after Ja had to go to visit another friend, and then J''s break was over and he had to go back to work. I remembered that I hadn't eaten any solid food yet (bubble tea doesn't count), and it was like 3 or 4pm, so I steamed that salmon I got from the grocery store:

...And then I made a bowl of yums while I waited for the salmon to steam!!!

...I wish I could share any of it with you.

Oh!!! And!!! The dirt specifically formulated for pumpkins arrived today!!

...I hope it works really nicely! I think I gotta get some plant gravel before I can transplant it, though; it came with a weird self-watering pot, I guess??? And I guess it needs gravel in order to work, for some reason.

...I have very little experience with growing things. But I still want our pumpkin friend to thrive.

Speaking of which!!! It's getting a 5th leaf!!! Check it out!!!

...I wonder how quickly I'll have to change it to a bigger pot! Hm!!

Oh, and... our garlic friend is really sprouting up nicely, too:

I wonder how they'll look as they get bigger...!!!

...I'm a little worried, though. Apparently, pumpkin roots can get up to 6 feet deep into the ground, and spread out up to 17 feet from the center of the plant. What if I need a really big pot!!! Oh no!!!

...Well. I found this video of a person growing pumpkins in containers outdoors. So maybe it could work indoors, too. Maybe. Here:

...Maybe it could work. But I'm not sure where in my house I'm gonna put it. And I don't know how I'll prevent my cats from chewing on it...

...Spray the leaves with cayenne pepper, maybe...?

...Sephiroth, I have no idea what I'm doing. So wish me luck, okay...?

Well. I suppose that's about all I've got for today. Thanks for listening to my various prattling, haha...

I love you. And I'm cheering for you to grow and thrive, too. So please stay safe out there. Please make good, kind, and loving choices while you're out and about and doing your things.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[themermaidriot]

poor things spoilerss but a brief comment on my experience watching it

did not expect so much sex dear god

[wispurring-moss]

🍾💋✨️🩷🧡

i looooove this trope with them, but it's even funnier to me if the thought has never even crossed Husk's mind until Angel brings it up to him first at some point~ x3c

[takemetodragonstone]

*if your gender and sexuality brought on different feelings, vote for whichever you want. (whichever feeling was stronger, or first, or however you want to decide).

If you’re comfortable with it, put your sexuality and/or gender identity in the tags along with the feeling you experienced upon discovering it so we can see if any trends appear with correlations between certain identities and feelings!

[justdavina]

Dakota Kühn: My first memories were of me cross-dressing. I’ve even seen photos that are so old I can’t remember them and there I am in a dress or frilly skirt. I guess I paused it during my teenage years due to social pressure, but I still wore makeup and girls clothes. Just not dresses and things that were super fem. I started going full fem around the age of 26, which was in 2014.

[phrysic]

happy pride month but im ace so everyone in spn is on the ace/aro spec now

[fizpup]

valentine, you're a horse ❤️

[mayahawkeswife]

i think people really do lack the understanding of just how much representation matters.

like, chappell roan. not only is she an out and proud LESBIAN, but i just saw a interview where she opens up about how she is also demisexual. that truly struck a chord with me personally, because i’ve been struggling with figuring myself out in those terms and just hearing someone talk about it, knowing i’m not alone in my feelings and that it’s okay, really does help.

representation MATTERS. DIVERSE representation matters.

[mcdynamite]

CWs: discussions of sexuality (particularly demisexuality, though Steve and Eddie don’t know a term for it at the time), VERY mild sexual context

Steve Harrington has had a lot of sex.

He's not, like, trying to brag about it, or anything. Frankly, he's not even sure it's something he would want to brag about in the first place. It's just an objective fact.

The sky is blue. The Earth is round. Water is wet.

And Steve Harrington has had a lot of sex.

Which is...well, a little bit bizarre, considering the fact that he's not entirely convinced he actually enjoys it most of the time.

At first, he chalks it up to inexperience. Everyone's first times were a little bit awkward, weren't they? Maybe everyone felt weird and a little bit off-kilter the first time someone touched them like that. Maybe everyone felt icky for hours afterwards, like something was just off. Steve had spent his childhood going to church on Sundays (at least, until he turned 10, and Richard and Susan decided he no longer needed luxuries like parents), so maybe it was just guilt.

That was a thing, right? Catholic guilt, or whatever? He'll get over it. He's sure of it.

Only...he's less sure of it several months later, when he still can't get rid of that stupid icky feeling, and he can never quite grasp what Tommy is talking about whenever the dude starts obsessing over wanting to fuck some pretty actress in whatever movie they’re watching. When he’s with a girl, he feels anxious the moment clothes start to come off, despite the fact that he wants this. He wants to have sex. He wants someone to touch him and make him feel good. He wants to do the same for someone else. But it always feels wrong.

The only part he really likes is what comes after, when he can wrap his arms around whatever girl he's with that week and just hold her - no more sex required, now that it's over and done with. That part feels good. Amazing, even. He loves having someone to cuddle up with - to make him feel less alone in his fucking mausoleum of a house. It's nice. It feels good.

He's pretty sure it's the only reason he keeps having sex in the first place. It's like a transaction. Steve gets the girls off, and in exchange, they stick around for a little while afterwards to fill the echoing silence of Steve's house with soft laughter and quiet words.

And sure...sometimes Steve sort of falls apart after they leave to get home before their curfews. Usually, it just leaves him feeling squirmy and anxious. But sometimes, when it's especially bad, Steve sits on the floor of the shower with his arms around his knees for ages and cries until the water gets cold, unable to wash the icky feeling away.

He knows he should stop doing this to himself, but God, he's so fucking lonely, and now he's made a reputation for himself. Now there are expectations, and if Steve has learned one thing from Richard Harrington, it's that living up to expectations is the most important thing in life.

So he keeps doing it. His technique gets better, despite how wrong he feels, and the girls keep coming. And Steve keeps wondering what the fuck is wrong with him - why he feels physically pleasured enough to come most of the time, but always hates himself afterwards.

Then, at the beginning of his junior year, he starts dating Nancy Wheeler.

He knows right away that this feels different from any of his other flings. Nancy is sweet, and smart, and just a bit of a firecracker, and Steve loves it. Even better, she doesn't try to get him into bed on their first date, or their second, or even their third. It's not until the pool party that things take a more intimate turn between them, and by then, Steve is smitten.

He waits for the ick to kick in while he caresses her and kisses her everywhere - waits for the feeling of weirdbadwrong to make itself known - but this time... it doesn't. This time, Steve looks down at his partner and is stunned by how beautiful she looks. It's never been like this with any of the other girls - he's never wanted any of them quite like this - and for the first time, Steve really, genuinely enjoys having sex.

There's no ick; no uncomfortable feeling in his belly that sort of makes him feel ill. There's just Nancy, who looks and sounds beautiful, and smiles at him as they doze off together afterwards. It's amazing. It's perfect.

Steve thinks that maybe he's normal, after all.

He should know better than to get his hopes up, by now.

The next year is a whirlwind of absolute insanity. There are monsters, and alternate dimensions, and little kids with honest-to-God superpowers, and funerals... and sex becomes the least of Steve's worries.

He and Nancy are only intimate a handful of other times, after that first night (it's hard to get in the mood when all either of them can think about is how the first time they did this, her best friend was dying), and despite everything else going on, the ick, at least, stays away. It seems to be proof that Steve isn't broken or weird. He just needed some time to get used to sex.

He realizes how wrong he is the first time he tries to hook up with someone after Nancy breaks his heart, when the ick comes back. After that, he only tries once more, and then he just stops trying to score entirely... pretends he's just lost his touch and feels secretly relieved every time Robin Buckley puts a tally under the "You Suck" side of the whiteboard in the back room.

It goes on like this until March of 1986, when Eddie Munson comes barrelling into his life and changes everything.

His relationship with Eddie is unlike any he's ever had. They start out as tentative friends after everything with Vecna is finally over, and then it grows from there.

They hang out with the kids at Steve's place, which eventually turns into them hanging out without the kids. They talk about the weather, and the Upside Down, and music, and DnD campaigns. Anything and everything that comes to mind. Eddie tells Steve how he came to live with Wayne, and in return, Steve tells Eddie about his parents - about how he sometimes feels like he's haunting his own home.

(Eddie starts making excuses to stay the night more often, after that conversation, and Steve doesn't mention it, but he notices.)

And one day he looks over at Eddie, who's talking animatedly to El while Steve pops popcorn for their movie night, and suddenly, it hits him like a goddamn truck.

Eddie Munson is beautiful.

Steve can barely breathe as the realization takes hold, because he's not used to seeing people this way. He can appreciate when someone is objectively attractive, sure, but he rarely looks at someone and wants like this. He rarely looks at a person and wonders what their lips would feel like against his own, or what sort of sounds they make when they come, or what they'd look like with Steve's love bites riddling their skin...

He's only looked at one other person this way before: Nancy, after they'd been dating for a few weeks and had gotten to know each other better.

He's so shocked by the sheer amount of wanting he's feeling for Eddie that he blows right past the gay panic part of his bisexual awakening, straight into bumbling idiot with a crush territory.

And really, it must be obvious, because two weeks later, Eddie's gaze locks onto Steve's while they're sitting on the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water, and Eddie smiles. It's a soft, gentle thing - so different from the maniacal grins he gives the kids when they're all hanging out together - and it steals all of the breath from Steve's lungs. His heart races as the air around them shifts, and for once, it's out of excitement rather than anxiety.

Eddie's voice is devastatingly timid when he murmurs, "Stevie, can I kiss you?"

Steve feels like he could cry out of happiness. His answer is a simple nod, and when Eddie kisses him slowly, sweetly, chastely, Steve can feel any remaining anxiety melting away.

Because this kiss isn't a demand, or a prelude to all of those other activities that Steve wants but isn't sure he's quite ready for with Eddie, yet. It's not a challenge.

It's a promise - a promise that this thing that's been blossoming between them over the last few months is real. Wordlessly, Eddie vows to treat him with care, and Steve does the same in kind.

And it's perfect.

They take things slow - slower than Steve and Nancy did, and definitely slower than Steve's ever gone with anyone else. Steve doesn't ask for sex, now that he no longer has a persona to uphold, and Eddie doesn't push. They're both perfectly content to share soft kisses and quiet words while they lay tangled together in one of their beds with their pajamas on, for now.

It takes more than a month for Eddie to bring it up.

"Baby, can I ask you something?" Eddie asks quietly.

They're curled up in Steve's bed after a long day taking the kids swimming at the quarry, and neither of them have said much for the last half hour or so. Eddie has been flipping through one of his D&D books, and Steve has been laying with his head pillowed on Eddie's chest, listening to his boyfriend's occasional mutterings about tieflings and trolls and some sort of forest quest. He's not even sure Eddie realizes he mutters to himself while he reads, and that just makes Steve love it even more.

Steve just hums sleepily and props his chin on Eddie's sternum to look up at him, face immediately falling into a frown. Eddie looks contemplative and a little nervous, and Steve already hates whatever this conversation is going to be about. He doesn't like it when Eddie is upset. It breaks his heart every time.

Swallowing thickly, he pushes himself off of Eddie's chest so they can lay on their sides facing each other, hands tangling between them because they're always touching these days. "What's up, Eds?" Steve asks. He hopes his voice is encouraging and doesn't give away the anxiety beginning to roll in his stomach.

Eddie hesitates, face scrunching up adorably like it always does when he's thinking too hard about something.

"We don't have sex," Eddie finally blurts out unceremoniously.

Steve's heart plummets, but he tries to keep his tone light when he speaks. "Is there a question in that...?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

Eddie won't meet his eyes, and it makes Steve feel strangely off-kilter. Eddie hasn't been this skittish around him in months.

"I don't know, just... doesn't that bother you, or something?" he says finally.

Steve deflects. "Does it bother you?"

He's dreading Eddie's answer.

But he only dreads it for a moment, because Eddie's eyes go wide and apologetic immediately. "No! No, Stevie, I'm fine with what we've been doing," Eddie says quickly. "I mean, I want to do more, you know? But it's totally fine if you don't. I guess I'm just worried I'm... boring you?"

Steve's expression must be incredulous, because Eddie backtracks instantly.

"Wow, okay, that sounded way worse out loud than it did in my head. Jesus H. Christ," Eddie sighs.

"Why would you think you're boring me?" Steve asks, unable to let it go, because it's quite possibly the most ridiculous thing Eddie has ever said (and that is a high bar to clear). In what world could Eddie - funny, unpredictable, unbearably sweet Eddie - be boring?

Eddie winces, then shrugs. "I don't know, man, you're just..." He pauses; Steve waits. "You're Steve Harrington, you know? It's not exactly a secret that you got around while we were in school. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing!" Eddie clarifies. "Whatever you did before doesn't bother me because it doesn't matter anymore, right? But you obviously like having sex, and we obviously haven't done anything more than kiss yet, and I was just wondering if that bothered you, I guess..."

For a moment, Steve considers lying. He considers telling Eddie that it doesn't bother him, but that he's ready for more if Eddie is, because it sounds like Eddie might be, and Steve doesn't want to disappoint him. He's pretty sure he could have a decent enough time having sex with Eddie if that's what Eddie wants. He could bite the bullet in the name of keeping everything else - the amazing parts of this little thing between them that make every part of Steve's soul feel warm and comforted and held.

So, yeah. He considers it - lying and putting on a good face while he gives Eddie what everyone always seems to want from Steve Harrington - but then he meets Eddie's eyes and reconsiders.

Eddie's gaze is open and kind and nervous, not expectant. He looks vulnerable and more than a little self-conscious, and in that moment, Steve decides that he's not going to let this thing with Eddie meet the same uncomfortable end as all the others. If Eddie can be vulnerable, if Eddie can be open and honest, then Steve can meet him halfway and do the same.

"What if I don't?" he asks, voice weak and unsure. He sounds so small - like a child, almost - and he hates it.

Eddie frowns. "What if you don't what?"

"You said it was obvious that I liked having sex," Steve replies shakily. He can't quite meet Eddie's eyes, but he sees Eddie's hesitant nod out of the corner of his eye. "Well... what if I don't?"

Steve wonders if the silence that follows feels as deafening and suffocating to Eddie as it does to him.

"I don't understand..." Eddie says. His voice is soft, like he's afraid he might scare Steve away, and Steve realizes suddenly that his own hands are trembling.

"I-" he murmurs haltingly. "It's just... sex is sort of weird for me, sometimes." He pauses, then quietly adds, "Most of the time, actually." He chances a look at Eddie's face and immediately wishes he hadn't, because Eddie's frown is deep and concerned and Steve doesn't know how to fix it.

"Okay," Eddie says slowly, giving Steve's hands a reassuring squeeze. "Do you think you could tell me what you mean by that?"

And, well... Steve does his best to explain. He tells Eddie about the way he'd felt icky back in high school, whenever he hooked up with some random girl from his class. He tells Eddie that he'd wanted to have sex, but for some reason it always seemed to feel like something was off. Sometimes, it felt like something was missing. Other times, it felt like too much.

Steve tells him about the times when he felt wrong-footed and uncomfortable for hours afterwards, even long after the girl had left. He quietly recounts, with flushed cheeks and watery eyes, those few occasions that had made him feel so terrible he'd sat on the shower floor and cried until the hot water ran out, unable to wash the feeling away.

He tells Eddie everything - about those precious few times with Nancy when he'd felt normal, about his attempts after their breakup that made him feel weirdbadwrong once again, about his relief every time he scared a new girl off at Scoops with his purposefully dismal flirting.

Steve tells Eddie everything, and Eddie listens.

By the end, there are tear tracks on Steve's face, trailing downwards towards a small damp spot on his pillow, but Eddie takes it all in stride. He simply raises a hand to brush away the tears and presses his lips to Steve's forehead, all while thanking Steve for telling him, and assuring Steve that there's no pressure, with them. There's no timeline, no expectation of sex, and there never will be. Eddie is happy to wait as long as Steve needs, and if the time never comes, then that's alright, too.

The thought alone brings additional tears of relief to Steve's eyes, and he feels a part of his heart unclench when Eddie's arms wrap around him that night as they drift off to sleep, just as they've done most nights for the last month. He feels safe inside the cocoon of Eddie’s arms, in the knowledge that Eddie knows, now, and he’s not going anywhere. Any lingering anxiety dissipates entirely the following morning, when Eddie bitches and moans about being woken up for work, but still kisses Steve just as sweetly before he goes, no less adoring than the day before.

It gives Steve honest-to-God butterflies, and he feels a bit like a lovesick teenager when he watches Eddie pull out of the driveway that morning. He wonders if maybe they’ll just carry on as though nothing has changed at all.

In the end, things do change, but it doesn’t take long for Steve to realize they’ve changed for the better. Their conversation seems to have opened the door for the kind of vulnerability that Steve’s never had with anyone else before, and it’s nice. More than nice, actually. It comes with the sort of honesty and trust he’s longed for his entire life. It comes with sweet kisses that never become too insistent, and soft touches that never wander into unwanted places. For the first time, Steve can relax and let himself be cared for…let himself fall even deeper in love with Eddie Munson than he already is.

Things progress, despite remaining temporarily paused on the physical front. They tell Robin about their relationship, and after she’s done half-crying, half-laughing her way through congratulating them, she gives Eddie an astonishingly frightening shovel-talk. They tell Dustin a few days later, and then the rest of the kids and Nancy. They go on their first official date at the drive-in, where they can cuddle up without needing to worry about the prying eyes of the ignorant assholes who make up most of the population of Hawkins.

A little over a month after The Talk, Steve holds Eddie’s hand while Eddie tells his Uncle Wayne that they’re together, and after Wayne wraps Eddie up in the biggest bear-hug of all time, he does the same to Steve and assures him that as long as he never hurts Wayne’s boy, Steve will always be welcome in the Munson home. Steve doesn’t comment on the tears shining in Eddie’s eyes, but he holds Eddie extra tightly that night. Tells Eddie how proud he is. Wonders how much longer he’ll be able to stop himself from slipping up and confessing exactly how much he loves Eddie.

And one day, after months of chaste kisses and soft, conservative touches…Steve feels ready for more.

They start slow, at Eddie’s insistence and to Steve’s relief. At first, it’s nothing but the two of them laying in Eddie’s bed, jerking themselves off side by side. They’re barely touching, aside from the occasional brush of the arm, but Steve feels like he’s on fire in the best way. Eddie’s choked off gasps go straight to his dick, and they come within seconds of each other, too satisfied to be embarrassed about how quickly the whole thing happens.

The next night, when they get their hands on each other, Steve’s are trembling with nerves frayed from wondering if the icky weirdbadwrong feeling will rear its head. But Eddie’s voice is soft and soothing, and his touch is no less gentle than it always is when he wraps his fingers around Steve’s cock for the first time. Instead of the prickly, icy feeling he usually gets, Steve thinks that this feels perfect. Like slipping into a warm bath after a long day out in the cold. It doesn’t take long for him to forget all about his worry that it might feel wrong when he’s lost in Eddie’s whispered encouragement and soft touches.

He comes that night with Eddie’s name on his lips, and when his fingers tremble as he returns the favor for his boyfriend, it’s out of excitement, not fear.

Steve tells Eddie he loves him a little over a week later, after a Corroded Coffin show at the Hideout.

Eddie says it back.

And the icky feeling continues to stay away, for the most part.

Of course, there’s still a bit of a learning curve when it comes to their sex life. There are days when Steve feels detached - untethered to the world around him, like he’s just going through the motions of life - and he can’t do anything sexual without feeling a bit like he wants to crawl out of his own skin. And they never have sex when they’re angry with each other, because the one time they try, Steve breaks down halfway through, unable to shake the feeling of wrongness that courses through his veins like poison.

It’s a lot of trial and error, and many very honest conversations, but it works. Eddie is never pushy - never seems to get frustrated with Steve’s oddly fickle relationship with sex - and eventually, Steve stops getting frustrated with himself. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s not broken. He just is the way he is, and he doesn’t need to change that. Every once in a while, he wishes he knew someone else who felt like this, just to have someone to talk to, but it’s hard to feel lonely when he gets to fall asleep in Eddie’s arms every single night once they move in together in 1988.

Eventually, he sort of forgets about ever feeling broken in the first place, after years spent with a man who loves him unconditionally, exactly how he is.

Until a random day in the middle of June, 2015 when Eddie comes home from teaching guitar at the music center down the road with a pamphlet.

“Steve?” Eddie calls over the sound of the slamming screen door. Steve keeps meaning to replace the spring, so it won’t slam quite so hard every time, but every time he tries, he just gets distracted and forgets altogether.

“In here!” he replies from his place at the kitchen table, surrounded by dozens of middle school history essays.

Eddie comes striding into the kitchen with his guitar case slung over his shoulder and a half-nervous, half-excited grin on his face, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. It’s a habit from youth that he never quite shook, and Steve will never admit this out loud, but he finds it disgustingly adorable.

“Can I help you?” Steve asks with a slight smirk when Eddie just stares at him for a long moment.

Eddie blinks, then suddenly looks a bit sheepish as he takes a breath and pulls a folded-up pamphlet out of his jacket pocket. “So, uh…this might sound weird, but one of my students went to the Pride parade downtown with her girlfriend this weekend, and I told her to bring me a souvenir. And I was joking, obviously! Only…she brought me this random pamphlet she got from some vendor while she was there, also as a joke, and I was reading it because I was bored between lessons - Jeremy canceled because he has strep, or something - and it really wasn’t all that interesting, because, like, been there, done that, right? But-”

“Eddie,” Steve says, smirk dissolving into a fond smile. “You’re rambling, babe.”

“Right, yeah. That I am,” Eddie laughs nervously. He fidgets with the pamphlet, then abruptly holds it out for Steve to take.

Steve only hesitates for a moment before taking it and giving it a brief once-over. “Am I supposed to be-”

“Page five,” Eddie interrupts. His voice is soft, and fond, and a little nervous in a way it rarely is around Steve these days. Nearly thirty years of (unofficial) marriage has left little to be nervous about.

Steve stares at his husband, then flips open the little booklet to a page sporting a black, purple, grey, and white flag, and the word demisexuality. He frowns thoughtfully and pushes his reading glasses further up his nose as he begins to read the rest of the text on the page.

“I didn’t think much of it at first,” Eddie says softly, pulling up a chair so he can sit beside Steve. “But then I remembered that talk we had back when we first started dating…”

His voice trails off, but that’s okay. Steve already knows exactly what conversation Eddie is thinking about, because Steve is recalling it himself.

“There’s a word for it?” Steve’s voice comes out surprisingly fragile. Hopeful.

He can hear the smile in Eddie’s reply. “Yeah, sweetheart. Seems that way.”

“And there are…” Steve swallows down the tidal wave of emotion threatening to crash over him. “There are more people like me? It’s, like…a thing?”

“Sure is, baby,” Eddie says fondly, pressing a lingering kiss to Steve’s temple. “Got your own flag and everything!”

Steve chokes out a laugh just as the first tear falls down his cheek, and fuck, he can’t stop smiling. Because Eddie is right. There’s a word, and a community, and a goddamn flag. And yeah, maybe it’s been years since Steve last worried about the weirdbadwrong feeling he used to get so frequently when he was younger, but something inside of him feels like it’s settled into place. Like the final piece of a puzzle, pulled from beneath the couch years after the rest was completed: dusty and faded, almost forgotten, but a perfect fit nonetheless.

“Demisexual…” he murmurs reverently, tracing over the shape of the flag with his fingers. “I like it.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks eagerly.

Through happy tears, Steve looks at the man who is his husband in everything but the eyes of the law. Eddie’s eyes are kind and excited - just like they always are - and God, Steve loves him. He’s loved him for decades, and he’s never going to stop.

“Yep,” Steve breathes, wrapping a hand around the back of Eddie’s head to pull him in for a slow kiss. “Love it,” he says. Another kiss. “Love you.”

“Love you too, baby,” Eddie whispers in return.

The next year, Eddie’s students don’t need to bring him souvenirs from Pride, because he and Steve go together. They hold hands as they cheer on the parade, newly-acquired wedding rings (now that it’s been legalized in all fifty states) glinting in the sunlight, and Steve wonders if he’s ever been this happy before. He’s got his husband on one side, Robin and her wife on the other, and a flag of black, purple, grey, and white painted on one cheek.

The feeling is electric.

It’s perfect.

And Steve has never, ever been more certain that there’s nothing icky or wrong about it.

[laterkatersays]

4 Sided Dive | Episode 29 The Tower | Thru C3 E113

Question: Did Ashton find Jester’s relationship advice helpful?

Taliesin: (Emphatically) Yes.

Question: Why did he seek advice on Fearne at this time?

Taliesin: Honestly, because between guilt, which has been kind of festering forever in Ashton’s head, and also that they don’t really, like, they don’t hit on people normally. When they hook up with people, people hook up with them. They’re not really-

Marisha: The initiator.

Laura: I could see that

Taliesin: They’re not the initiator. They’re just willing to be cool, and then be nonchalant about it, and like, whatever. Like it’s not, there’s not a lot of- And like, not that this was commitment either, but I’m like, I don’t hit on people.

Marisha: Uh-huh.

Taliesin: And also, I feel really bad about a bunch of shit, which also then adds a bunch of like- I don’t want to be guilty and I don’t also want to be going, “Hey babe, it’s the end of the world, want to?” Like, no, no, no, no, no, I’m into this! It just happens to be the worst time that there is for this.

Laura: Has Ashton ever pined for someone before?

Taliesin: No, no.

Laura: Is Ashton pining for Fearne?

Taliesin: (Like when you’re trying to express something and your friend hasn’t quite understood) No…

Sam: What is it about her that turns him on most?

Taliesin: It’s honestly, it’s the- it’s a mirror of their own recklessness.

Sam: (Indicating Fearne’s supposed marsupial pouch)

Taliesin: Yeah, well, that, it’s the pouch too.

Taliesin: But no, it’s very rare for them to meet somebody who is just as irresponsible, who like has that same irresponsibility. And like, the way in his head that it pops up is, like, she really hits him in the best of the worst of him. Like, very much the you bring out the best of my worst. Which, the worst is never going away, and I kind of know that. So, I feel like my chaos is better around you, and I like, I’m not used to really liking people that way. Like, it’s always a little messy, ‘cause family is just designed to disappoint you and go badly. So yeah, it’s a whole-

Taliesin: (Speaking about Ashton specifically, I think) They’re not healthy! At all!

Marisha: No, you just said a lot of really sad things.

Taliesin: Oh they’re sad, they’re sad. Yeah, life has not been kind. They’re doing their best.

[professional-writher]

How life has felt after I got over my deeply internalized aphobia and allowed myself to finally be myself

[victor-v]

i don't think most people understand the importance of neil being openly and unapologetically demisexual. when he was written and the books were published the information about the ace spectrum was so scarce and no one talked about it. personally thanks to this character i got to understand a part of my identity that made no sense for my whole life, suddenly he was saying i don't swing and i mean it the only one im interested in is you and my brain exploded a little and opened the door to actually do some research on it and things made sense. which maybe i would have figured out eventually, but that level of understanding added to showing the importance of consent and boundaries truly rewired my brain (for the better)

this means so much to me

[wizardnuke]

can't stop thinking about a shadowgast "i'm not looking to fuck do you have a screwdriver my bathroom is flooding" grindr au

[hobgoblinsandpeachfuzz]

i think the date went well

you know despite the lies

[lastofthe20thcenturygirls]

(ln8 spoilers) jinshi thinking except for my godly looks i am just average and then his smartass goes and kills around five birds with just one brand. someone whose status is so high that even his name can't be said by anyone except the emperor jinshi branded himself with the crest of the empress vowing loyalty to her assuring her he doesn't wants to take the place of her son. one-upping his "bro" with this who refuses to let him leave the line of succession wouldn't let him become a commoner doesn't wants to let him become a servant to the royal family. only slaves get branded and if this ever got out there will be chaos in the court. gyokuyou tho considers jinshi like a brother and he did swear loyalty to her but if she ever tried to cross his family her clan's brand on his body would be enough to prove her as an adultress which would be bad for her and her clan.

and jinshi did this in front of these two people and maomao so now she is the only one who can see him naked and the emperor cannot order him to marry anyone which was something that was definitely gonna happen had he not done what he did. as a bonus he gets to spend more time with maomao after a long time and he did all this while saying the exact words: empress gyokuyou, your enemy i shall never be in front of maomao reassuring her because she once muttered i don't want to be an enemy to empress gyokuyou and he had heard her but before he could tell her that he had no intention of doing that either he couldn't because of the lishu incident. one of the major reasons maomao hadn't accepted her own feelings for jinshi one of the obstacles he promised to remove for her. even though he doesn't even know that maomao's concerns about her becoming gyokuyou's enemy had to do with his birth secret his true status. that no matter what he is the rightful successor. something jinshi himself isn't even aware of and yet without knowing that he did this to deal with it all in a single way most preferable to him: masochism

[stevesbipanic]

Steve always felt like an outsider.

He knew from a young age he was different from the other kids. The other kids in his class giggled about kisses and cooties, Steve had no desire for these things. The other boys in his class didn't look at the other girls and want to wear their pretty dresses. The other kids didnt sneak into their mom's bathroom and put on lipstick.

The other kids weren't different.

As Steve grew up he felt even more different. Tommy had a girlfriend now, Steve got one because Tommy said he was a queer otherwise, Steve's dad taught him he didn't want to be one of those.

Steve felt nothing when he was kissed, the girls were nice but the only thing he liked was the lipstick they'd leave behind on his lips.

Maybe he was queer, he whispered as such to Tommy one night, Tommy kissed him, he felt nothing.

"Maybe you just need to find the right girl."

Maybe Tommy was right.

Nancy Wheeler should've been the right girl. She was perfect, smart, kind, beautiful. He loved Nancy but he still felt nothing when she kissed him, maybe Nancy was right, he was bullshit, he couldn't even love right.

Steve loved Robin, Robin was different to Nancy maybe she was the right girl. She wasn't but Robin would use Steve to practice painting nails and let him borrow her sweaters. Robin gave him soft pink Chapstick and told him mascara made his eyes look pretty. Robin told him it's ok to feel like a girl sometimes cause sometimes they felt like a boy. Stevie felt like herself with Robin.

Eddie was different, he wasn't a girl but he made Stevie feel alive. Not at first though. Steve hated him, thought he was stealing her kids. Then he saved Dustin, then they talked a lot in the hospital, then Eddie stayed with him while he recovered, then Eddie kept staying, then months past then Stevie had a nightmare, then Eddie called him Stevie and Steve corrected Eddie that it was a Steve day and all Eddie did was smile and nod, then they started sharing a bed cause they felt safer that way, then Steve woke up one day and he felt the feelings everyone had told him about for years.

"Oh."

Steve wasn't broken she was just different. Kissing Eddie felt right that morning and every morning after.