#also why i believe in being true to yourself and expressing that truth

[mayahawkeswife]

i think people really do lack the understanding of just how much representation matters.

like, chappell roan. not only is she an out and proud LESBIAN, but i just saw a interview where she opens up about how she is also demisexual. that truly struck a chord with me personally, because i’ve been struggling with figuring myself out in those terms and just hearing someone talk about it, knowing i’m not alone in my feelings and that it’s okay, really does help.

representation MATTERS. DIVERSE representation matters.

[reidmania]

let the grass grow | spencer reid

summary; you love spencer too let him stay while your world falls apart at your own hands.

warnings; hurt x comfort w no comfort, exes, angst w no happy ending, self depricating thoughts, insecurities, self sabotaging, avoidant attachment reader, fem reader, early seasons spencer, mentions of not eating, scars but never says whats from, arguments, but u guys love each other. its just sad tbh. 1.7k words

an; this is purely for my own sake and i wanted to make it a comfort but i genuinely couldn't bc this is a very real and relevant issue that no comfort seems to comfort so.. enjoy the pain?? song is let the grass grow by ruel, my man my man.

‘so I'll leave before you go, ‘cause there's no tears when it's my fault this self-sabotage, all of our other scars don't compare. take the river to the sea, drown myself, so I don't sink, find my peace there, underneath the hurricane, break a promise, so I can leave, burn a forest so i can sleep. lay my head stone and let the grass grow over me’

You could feel eyes on you everywhere, constantly throughout the entirety of the day. Even though deep down you knew no one was really staring at you the amount you built it up to in your mind. Constant judgement and quiet questioning from the gaze of your co-workers made your stomach fill with an overwhelming sense of sickness, it made you want to crawl into a hole and remain there in a foetal position for the rest of the time life offered you.

Quiet whispers of worry bounced around the building from your co-workers to one another, each one who had asked if you were okay throughout the day – multiple times, every to which you’d reply with a nod of your head and a forced smile on your lips that left indents on your cheeks, when your eyes remained the same distant and sullen that caused their worry in the first place.

It wasn’t until you were leaving the building you heard the same question after a whisper of your  name, but from Spencer.

Your head turned towards him faster than you meant it to, you swore any faster and you would’ve ended the day with not only a worse mood than you woke up in but also whiplash. Your eyes met his and you wished they didn’t. The care is held and balanced evenly in his eyes, causing a slither in the walls you had built up around yourself and everything that fell below surface level.

“Are you okay?” His eyes studied your face as if he would find any hint of truth in your expression since he knew better than to believe the lie that fell from your lips. Spencer Reid wasn’t an idiot, anyone and everyone was painfully aware of that, you were painfully aware of that. He hadn’t asked the question the same amount everyone else did, he hadn’t even talked to you today until now.

You nodded in response, casting your eyes away from his and back to the elevator you wished would hurry up. Two weeks, it had been two weeks since you broke up with Spencer, it had been two weeks of Spencer everyday asking you why, and it had been two weeks of you being unable to provide an answer that seemed good enough for him. Nothing you said seemed to help him understand why you would break off something that was going so well, that made you both evidently happy, everyone could see it, everyone watched you both pine after one another for years.

“Talk to me” He begged for what felt like – and probably was, the hundredth time.

Your head shook, because what were you supposed to say? What did he want you to say? You didn’t know and for you that meant you were better off not saying anything, maybe because the truth you fought to keep away from the open air seemed so pathetic and embarrassing it was better left unsaid. He was asking you to show him the deepest and worst parts of you and you were refusing and he just wouldn’t let it go.

“I don’t have anything to say” You replied, the same response as every other time he asked. It wasn’t enough, not for Spencer because he knew it wasn’t true.

He frowned, and it broke your heart. 

“I just want to understand,” He pleaded with you, reaching out for your hand. You pulled it away, what you were doing was mean, you knew that, it was unfair and mean to both him and yourself. Depriving you both of what you both wanted and yearned for so deeply all because you constantly felt like the world was closing in on you and things fell apart under your touch, it was just mean – but you weren’t cruel enough to allow Spencer the touch of your hand to pull it back all over again.

“I wish you would” You mumbled out, muffled enough you could convince yourself he didn’t hear even though you knew he did. You didn’t intend to be mean with your words, you wished he understood that you were physically incapable of what he was asking from you, it wasn’t something you could bring yourself to do.

The elevator dinged and the door opened and you were thanking the world, until Spencer got on next to you and now you were left in a confined space with the one person who seemed to break through the box of self deprecation you would bury yourself into, time and time again. You didn’t want him there, you didn’t want him in your space, in your mind and in the middle of your emotions that took you down day in and day out. 

You wanted him, that wasn’t something you tried to hide, just something you deprived yourself of because you didn’t want him to want you, you didn’t even want you. The fact someone else could, someone like Spencer, was overwhelming in a number of ways and it only furthered the insecurity that consumed you.

“I’m here, I know there’s more than what you’re letting on.” He said, you wanted to appreciate his effort of reassurance but it didn’t help. You loved Spencer, and you were now certain he was the sweetest person to ever exist. How could you allow yourself to indulge in something so sweet and so pure when you deemed yourself the opposite. You fell apart and buried yourself in your own issues, you spent days lying in the darkness of your bedroom body starved and scarred, you’d mull over every mistake you ever made and everything in your life that should have belonged to someone more deserving.

You didn’t answer him, so he spoke again. “I have been and I'm going to be here until you’re ready to talk about it” his voice was gentle and dripping with reassurance you wish you could accept because his words were suppose to be reassuring but they left a bad taste in your mouth and just made your heart clench tighter in your chest to the point you thought it might’ve stopped beating.

“I didn’t ask you to do that.” You said, not turning your head to face him but you were sure enough that they best portrayed what you were feeling, too much.

He let out a breath, a sigh of a sort and shook his head as he spoke, “I never said you did, I don’t mind waiting for you–”

There it was.

“I don’t want you to do that.” You snapped slightly, guilt instantly infested your gut but you couldn’t help it. You didn’t need him to wait around for this feeling to go away because it never did, your entire life, it never had and you didn’t imagine that changing. “I don’t want you to wait for me, Spencer. I don’t want you to just wait around for something that’s never going to happen, this won’t change. I made my decision” you huffed out the most you had said to him since that night you ended things which consisted of a teary eyed argument.

He dragged his hands through his hair as he tried to figure out what to say, then the elevator came to a stop and you were moving off it quicker than his brain could process and then he was following you and he was reaching out for your hand, even though he knew better by now. “You said you loved me, you said that while you were breaking up with me. You said you loved me and that you were sorry, you couldn’t do it anymore and then gave me nothing else” He stated, his eyes pleading for some sort of answer, something he could blame himself for.

That's not what you wanted, you didn’t want him to blame himself – that was almost a part of the whole point. If he blamed you for this, if you ended it now then there was no chance it would happen any other way. You could live with him blaming you with this, much better than you could live with getting hurt or inevitably hurting him. “I do love you Spencer” You said, you weren’t going to lie about that. 

Your arm pulled away from his touch but he only reached out again, “I’m trying to respect your decision, but I don’t understand. You love me but you don’t want me to wait, you love me but you broke up with me – I just- You’re doing this thing where–  you like to shut down and shut everyone out and I don’t want you to do that. If you don’t want to be with me then I’ll respect that but If you think I can stand around and watch you fall apart you don’t know me, and I would really prefer to think you did because for the longest time I thought I knew you and now finding out that maybe I don’t is– Well it sucks.”

You huffed out, you knew it was unfair and contradicting and you almost wished you had never gotten involved in the first place because you hated the fact you were hurting Spencer right now because your emotions were confusing. It was unfair. “I’m sorry” You started. He was right, you knew him and he knew you, on the slightest of a deeper level.

“Don’t do that. Don’t apologise and then brush it off. I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be honest. You keep everyone at arm's reach, on surface level– I want more than that, I want to know you, and understand you, I want to understand this. Tell me what you need and I'll do it, but I need to understand why first.” 

How were you supposed to tell the single handedly most sweet, kind and perfect person that you were unable to provide him with the one thing he wanted – to know you. How were you supposed to admit that something as simple as that was too much to ask for. 

“There's this expectation that I can't reach, that I never have, never will and I love you, Spencer, that's true – but I'm not going to let you sit around and watch me fail time after time again to reach the expectation of basic human existence.” You shook your head as you pulled your hands away from his grasp, your body turned as you walked away.

He stood calling out your name but his feet stayed glued to the ground, and there was no response from you.

[shuawonie]

(in)visible.

pairing | yoon jeonghan x fem!reader

genre | fluff, angst, college au, hidden relationship au, non-idol au, comfort

word count | 7k

warnings | use of pet names (angel, baby, sweetheart), kissing, slight harrasment, mention of abusive behavior, alcohol consumption, jealousy, swearing, soft but also sometimes possesive jeonghan 😩 big angst bro-, THE SAINT LAURENT JEONGHAN???? (on my knees fr)

summary: he decided to give you time, to let you feel comfortable with him and everything else. but you don’t want and need it anymore. you want to be visible. you want the two of you to be visible to the others. that you’re his and he’s yours.

a/n: oh my god.. my writer's block really hit me hard like a truck 😭 i’m so sorry for not posting anything for past few months.. </3 however ! here’s the small gift for you guys <3 hope u enjoy !

(i have already planned new jeonghan fanfiction and i’m SO proud of myself, watch me get the writer’s block again and post it after months again LMAOO)

i got you, you got me,

when it's us, babe,

you make me feel complete.

you're all i need.

Does Yoon Jeonghan have a girlfriend?

That was the question which was asked probably the most past days on your campus.

You could hear it everywhere. People were gossiping about in the hallways, in the bathroom, in the cafteria and even during the lectures, trying to get to the truth.

Is he single or not?

This whole situation began when someone from the campus took a photo of him, hanging out with a girl and holding her hand with a big smile on his lips. The face of the mysterious girl wasn’t shown in the picture, which is why they were wondering who it might be and if she’s his girlfriend.

Jeonghan was a 3rd year student and as far as everyone had known, he was staying single for a long time already. But now, nothing was sure.

People had mixed opinions on it. Some were happy for him that he found somebody to love, some were just really confused while not wanting to believe it's true, and the last group was really negative about it (thinking they even had a chance with Jeonghan, pfft).

However, it was obvious that everyone wanted to know the truth.

Does Yoon Jeonghan have a girlfriend?

However, only two people knew the answer to it.

Yoon Jeonghan himself, and you.

Jeonghan came out from the lecture class with his black messenger bag overhanged across his chest while being deeply immersed in his phone, when Seungkwan, campus’ sweet boy, joined him by his side.

“Hello Jeonghan!” he started enthusiastically, “How’s your day? Are you okay?” the boy blinked a few times and sent him a cute smile, while taking a sip of his beloved iced americano.

Jeonghan frowned, looking at him quite suspiciously.

“Hi,” he mumbled, letting out a sheepish chuckle, “Yea, I’m fine. Just finished my schedule, and I’m a bit tired. And you?” Jeonghan asked, continuing the conversation as the two of them slowly walked towards the entrance of the campus.

“Uhh.. I still have one lecture left, so I need to stay.” Seungkwan pouted, making the other boy smile, “Are you meeting someone? Or going home by yourself?” the sunshine boy asked, making Jeonghan stop mid-step, crossing his arms over his chest.

He looked at the younger boy with an amused expression as he snickered, “Seungkwanie, come on. Don’t tell me you’re also into this whole gossip trend on our campus.”

“Oh, hyung! But is that true? Are you seriously in a relationship?” Seungkwan questioned, tilting his head to the side, while wishing to get the answer everyone wanted to know. “Please! I won’t tell anyone.” he pouted.

Jeonghan let out a quiet snort, while looking to the side as he was kind of getting tired after hearing another person ask him that question.

Why was everyone suddenly so curious about it?

“I’m sorry Kwannie, but I won't tell you. Nice try though.” Jeonghan muttered, fixing his bag on his side, “See you tomorrow.”

Then, he turned around and walked out, leaving the younger boy and all of the gossip behind him in that building.

December's cold, evening breeze hit Jeonghan’s face, finally letting him breathe out in relief. The boy placed the hood over his head, tugging his hands into the pockets of his big hoodie.

He did it. He survived another day without getting caught.

Gosh.. it was so hard for him not to react every time he passed next to you in the hallways. To not stare at your beautiful face for too long, to not send you a soft smile, to not yield his food to you at the cafeteria or just hold your hand. He wanted to do it so badly, and many times he caught himself almost doing it.

But at the same time, Jeonghan was aware that even the smallest thing that could have been taken as ‘more than close friends’, might have caused suspicions from your or his friends. Which you two wanted to avoid at all cost. At least for now.

Your relationship had to stay invisible to people around you.

Even though the boy didn’t like that idea at first, after some time you two agreed that for now you won’t show your relationship in public, especially in college.

Jeonghan decided to give you time to get comfortable as it was your first relationship after being in a really harmful and traumatic one in the senior class at highschool. Your ex was a very cute and nice guy at the beggining who later turned into being really abusive towards you, especially verbally. And when you revealed at the beggining, that you two are dating, a lot of people abandoned you, leaving you behind with the problem that after a while you were forced to deal with all alone.

That’s mostly why you weren’t sure if you wanted to reveal your new relationship. And it’s not that you didn’t trust Jeonghan, because you did. You trusted him as no one else. But because of your past, you were not certain if you could go through that all over again.

Jeonghan couldn’t wait to finally see you, after this long and tiring day. He really wanted to hug you close and tell you how good you looked today. Because he missed you. Your voice, your smile, your smell, your warmth and your touch. He missed every single thing about you, and he hasn't interacted with you for only around 6 hours (not counting all of the texts that the two of you shared today).

Rushing towards your apartment with a bag of takeout food that he bought on the way, Jeonghan was already thinking what you two could do tonight. But the truth was that even if you two laid in your bed, cuddling, he was okay with it. Because what mattered to him was spending his time with you. Not the activity you did.

Right after only one ring to the door, you opened it with a tired smile visible on your face. You were already dressed in your kuromi pyjamas (to which Jeonghan had a matching, ‘my melody’ one), wearing fluffy socks.

Your boyfriend giggled, excited about seeing you and finally having you for himself only.

“Hi.” he said gently, with a bright smile shining on his face.

“Hi.” you replied softly, while connecting your hand with his, taking him into your apartment, and closing your door right behind him.

“I brought food!~" the boy cheered, taking his shoes off by his heels. You couldn’t help but melt, and a bright smile appeared on your lips.

The boy swung the bag in the air with a big smile, and you approached him, slowly kissing his cheek while thanking him sincerely. Then, he quickly placed the bag on the floor and wrapped his hands around your waist, hugging you tightly to his body.

Jeonghan laid his forehead on your shoulder, “I’m tired.” he murmured, closing his eyes while sighing, “I need to recharge.”

A smile creeped onto your lips as you slowly started to play with Jeonghan’s hair, him still being close to you.

“Don’t worry, baby. We have time.” you smiled, caressing his head. You let him ‘recharge’ as the boy didn’t move away from you for even a second.

“You’re doing a great job, Hannie.” finally, you broke the silence, feeling how he snuggled closer into the crook of your neck. The scent of your body has always had a calming effect on Jeonghan, and it wasn’t different now.

“I can’t believe that acting like a stranger with my girlfriend might be that tiring.” he murmured into your skin, immediately catching you off guard.

Your face saddened in the split of the second, with the feeling of guilt starting to take over you.

“Hannie-”

“No, it’s okay.” the boy looked up at you, with his shining, full of understanding eyes, “We both agreed on it after all. And I want you to feel comfortable when you’re with me. So I won’t pressure you into doing things you’re not okay with.” he added, and gently cupped your face with his hands, admiring your features.

“I’m sorry..” you mumbled, feeling the lump in your throat, “I’m sorry that because of me you have to pretend something you don’t want to, but.. please, believe me that I’m really.. really trying to somehow overcome this-”

Jeonghan quickly placed his lips on top of yours, connecting you in a gentle kiss, while stopping you from speaking more. At first your whole body stiffened, not expecting this. But the feeling of Jeonghan’s soft lips on top of yours started to overwhelm you, making you crave for more of him.

However, before you could even react and reciprocate his sweet action, Jeonghan already moved away from you, sending you a reassuring smile.

“Let’s eat, darling. I’m sure you’re hungry.” the boy suggested, and took the bag from the floor, making his way to your kitchen.

“And then I need to put my baby to sleep.” Jeonghan giggled, to which you quickly responded with a scoff, “I’m not a baby anymore.” you muttered, but the smirk was still present on your lips.

You quickly followed right after him, sitting by the kitchen island as you silently watched him take out the containers with food.

But the slight feeling of guilt hasn’t left you at all, making you stay up at night, tossing around in the bed, overthinking everything, while being tightly hugged from the back by Jeonghan.

Should you finally become visible to people?

Or should you let things stay as they’re now?

“So..” Millie — your best friend, started and you looked at her suspiciously.

The two of you were coming back from the nearest coffee shop after buying a coffee to go for yourselves. This small break was good for you as you still had this one lecture to survive.

“So?”

“I met a guy.” she said while covering her face as she already knew how you’re going to react.

You let out a sigh, closing your eyes whilw tilting your head to the side. “Millie, I swear to god..”

“But listen!” she interrupted, “He’s actually really nice and he cares for the others a lot! He’s the greatest gentleman I know! And you won’t believe me, but he’s actually close friends with Yoon Jeonghan.” after hearing that name, your eyes immediately widened.

You choked on your drink, immediately starting to cough, “Ooh..” you started trying to stabilize your voice, “What’s his name?” you asked, quickly realizing that you sounded too interested about that.

Even though you remembered a few of Jeonghan’s friends as he was sometimes going out or just talking about them with you, you were really curious which one stole Millie’s heart.

She grabbed your hand and squeezed it tightly, “Hong Joshua! Can you believe he’s also half american half korean? Just like me!” the girl exclaimed while grinning.

“Yeah, I’m happy for you-” you mumbled while trying to get off her hand, that was slowly starting to make your palm feel numb.

“I think we can even go and meet him now! Joshie said he’ll wait for me by the entrance.” Millie giggled just at the thought of the boy, and already started walking faster, leaving you behind.

You looked at her with some pity written on your face as you shook your head and followed her steps.

A few minutes later, the two of you were already standing by the entrance, waiting for Joshua to join you. On the way, Millie already told you that you’ll have this lecture together.

“He texted me he’ll be here any second!” Millie cheered, showing you the text that he sent her a few seconds ago. And as Joshua said, several seconds later, you two noticed him going towards you. However, he wasn’t alone.

Yoon Jeonghan, who was smiling brightly while listening to Joshua, accompanied him. It made your breath immediately hitch in your lungs.

Oh shit. You haven’t thought about the fact that he might actually come right now with Joshua.

“Hi Joshie!” Millie shouted enthusiastically, waving to the boy to get his attention. As soon as Joshua noticed Millie, his face brightened up as his eyes turned into two small crescents and a cute smile adorned his lips.

But you had your eyes stuck on him. And so did he, with a slight smirk that creeped onto his lips.

“Hi y/n! Millie talked a lot about you, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Joshua greeted you, sending you one of his charming smiles to which you smiled back.

“This is my friend, Jeonghan.” he added, making you move your gaze at the mentioned boy, only to find him already staring at you.

There was a short silence before you decided to make the move.

“Hi.” you finally uttered, smiling gently.

“Hi.” Jeonghan replied, the same way as he had always greeted you.

It was your small tradition that only you two understood. Each of the smallest ‘hi’ you said, also meant ‘i missed you’ or ‘i love you’ at the same time.

“Oh, right, I almost forgot to tell you!” Millie said suddenly, making you twitch.

“Today, together with some other people from campus, we’re going to a barbeque restaurant! If you want to, you can join us. I think it’s going to be more fun and less uncomfortable if you’ll be there.” the girl remarked, and sent you a pleading look.

You looked at Jeonghan, searching for an answer on his face and he silently nodded, “Yeah, I can join you guys. And y/n too.” the boy answered, and shifted his eyes back to you.

“Perfect!” the girl cheered while hugging Joshua’s arm, “Then we see each other tonight at 6PM! I’ll send you the localisation later. But now let’s get going, the lecture is about to start!” she added, and then Millie pulled Joshua to the lecture hall, leaving you two behind.

“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked, worried by the absent look in your eyes.

You smiled briefly, “Yeah.. I’m just a bit tired. I just need to survive this one last hour. But now let’s go, we don’t want them to get suspicious, do we?” sending a small wink to Jeonghan, you quickly followed your best friend’s steps to the hall, with Jeonghan going right behind you, not being able to hide the smirk on his lips.

When you sat down in the hall room, several students were already there. Millie sat next to Joshua, and Jeonghan decided that you'll sit in the row behind them.

As soon as the lecture started, you placed your arms on the desk and laid down. The feeling of tiredness after not getting enough sleep tonight was taking over you, making it really hard for you to survive this day.

However, it didn’t go unnoticed by Jeonghan that you looked exhausted. Gently, he removed your hair that got in the way, and stroked your back.

He leaned closer and whispered, “How about you rest a bit, hm? I’ll take the needed notes for us, so you don’t have to worry.”

You smiled gently, melting inside from the softness and care that the boy treated you with. Nodding softly, you whispered a small ‘thank you’ to Jeonghan.

Opening your eyes one last time, you saw Jeonghan’s focused face. He was playing with the pen in his hand as he always had to have something in his hand.

As you shifted your gaze to Millie, you immediately noticed that compared to your boyfriend, the girl wasn’t paying attention to the lecture at all. She probably wasn’t even planning on doing it, because Millie was busy studying the boy next to her. Smiling weakly at the mere sight, you closed your eyes, finally drifting off to sleep.

Little did you know, Jeonghan also decided to follow Millie’s steps after some time.

“Hi angel, are you ready?”

Jeonghan peeked into your room as you were finishing getting ready for the night out. You looked up at him in the mirror, and the boy smoothly came closer to you with a smirk playing on his lips. He bent down to be on your eye level, and looked at you from the back by the mirror. The scent of his freshly applied perfume and shower gel hit your nose, showing that he just finished getting ready.

You two came back from the college around two hours ago. At the end of the lecture, the boy patted your arm gently, whispering your name to wake you up. He caught himself smiling at the sight of your sleeping figure, but quickly scolded himself for it, remembering that he has to take notes and act completely unaffected by you.

Not going to lie, it quickly became a big challenge for him.

The boy was wearing a black silk shirt with a deep neckline, paired with black loose pants. His hair was freshly styled, with his bangs resting right over his eyes. He looked incredibly attractive at that moment, making you rethink about how it is even possible that a man and an angel like him is actually your boyfriend.

You, on the other hand, did natural make-up, and wore a black dress that hugged your body perfectly, reaching around your calves area, with a deep cut that reached right above your knee. Your hair was left loose, and with a delicate gold necklace that Jeonghan gifted you on your birthday, your whole look was finished.

It was indeed intentional to choose an outfit that would match Jeonghan’s, and vice versa (but not too obvious). However, the more you thought about it, the more you were starting to doubt if you should go with that dress. Of course you wanted to look elegant and step out of your comfort zone a bit, but you quickly started to think if it was really worth it.

And just as if your boyfriend heard your thoughts, he whispered into your ear, “You look beautiful, sweetheart.” Jeonghan left a sweet peck on your cheek, “You don’t have to feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I promise I’ll be there to protect you everytime, at any cost.” he added, solving all of the problems that you could have been thinking at that moment.

The boy moved away a bit, finally allowing you to let out the breath that you didn’t even realize you’ve been holding the whole time. The scent of him was always really strong and just being by his side, you thought that you might go insane by any second.

Soon later, the two of you finally left your apartment, and sat comfortably in Jeonghan’s car that he parked in front of your house. Your way to the restaurant went actually really comfortably, and even when you didn’t say much, Jeonghan tightly held his hand intertwined with yours, whispering from time to time compliments to you.

When you entered the restaurant, Millie, Joshua and some other people that you didn’t really know were already sitting by the table. As soon as your best friend noticed you, she yelled your name and waved to you. The two of you joined the group, and you sat down next to Millie and a guy that you didn’t know. Jeonghan sat on the other side of the table, next to Joshua, and a girl who was really known in your college, Siyeon.

“I’m glad you guys actually made it!” Joshua cheered, and you smiled at him.

“Why did you two come together?” Siyeon asked, “Are you two dating or something?” she added, gaining everyone’s attention as everyone heard about the gossip.

She always knew how to get people to look at her. Siyeon was not only called the goddess of the campus, but also she made it with her attitude. And even now, she successfully gained everyone’s gaze by looking at her and at you two, while smirking lazily.

Her question made you immediately start to panic inside, but you were trying to not show it that much on the outside. Not knowing how to respond, you looked at Jeonghan, frightened. The boy immediately read from your facial expression what’s happening, and he decided to take action.

The boy laughed out loud, “Oh come on, guys! Does really everything have to be about dating? I just gave y/n a ride because it’s dark already, and she lives near me.”

Smooth.

Jeonghan looked at you, and sent you an apologetic look, “We’re just friends. We’re not in a relationship, guys.” he added, making the others start joking and laughing because of this situation.

Oh.

Even though you knew that the boy did it to protect you, and your relationship, you still felt that stinging pain in your heart.

But actually, what did you expect? Jeonghan did what he had to do to keep your relationship a secret. Something that you two agreed to do, especially because of you.

So why did you feel that way? Maybe.. just maybe, you deeply hoped that he would admit it, and say that you’re his girlfriend.

“Hey, you okay?” you heard Millie’s whisper by your ear, bringing you back from your thoughts.

You nodded, chuckling from embarrassment, “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.” she stroked your arm gently while sending you a reassuring smile, and you sent her a small smile, reaching for your glass of water to take a sip.

When all of you ordered, and the food together with alcohol was finally brought, your group started to eat, while telling stories, joking around, and slowly getting more drunk.

You weren’t really a fan of drinking as you had a light head, so you were always the responsible one for Millie as she always wanted to drink. But even now, when she had Joshua by her side, you still decided not to drink.

Jeonghan always reminded and assured you, that you shouldn’t worry about not drinking anymore. He insisted, that if you’d want to have some fun with friends then you shouldn’t stop yourself, because he’ll be there to protect you and take you home afterwards. But even when you knew he truly meant it, you still decided to stick by your glass of water.

Millie was already clinging to Joshua, already getting tipsy from the drinks she drank. People were laughing loudly at something and you were sitting silently, listening while finishing your portion of tteokbokki that you decided to have. A few minutes later, Jeonghan excused himself by the need to go to the toilet.

As soon as he disappeared by the corner, the boy next to you named Changmin, who also drank a few bottles of soju after the challenges the boys from your college made, turned around and suddenly shouted, “Oh y/n!” what made you immediately look at him, not knowing what was happening.

Then, the boy leaned closer to you, making you widen your eyes and he clumsily sweeped some of the sauce with his thumb, that was in the corner of your lips.

Unfortunately, while being already tipsy from the alcohol, he made even a bigger mess on your face as he not only smeared the sauce to your chin but also some of your lipstick.

“Oops!” he laughed goofily, and some of the boys that were there started to laugh with him.

You just hoped that someone would somehow help you. But Millie was already passed out on the chair, with Joshua being concerned about her. Other girls, including Siyeon, were busy gossiping and drinking more soju. So you were left alone with this situation.

Quickly, you reached for the napkin that was near your bowl, and turned slightly to the side, gently removing the sauce and leftovers from your lipstick. You felt embarrassed because of what happened, just as if that boy fully meant to do it.

But it wasn’t funny to you at all.

Changmin looked at you one more time before smacking your thigh with his palm and squeezing it slightly. You widened your eyes as you were flabbergasted what just happened. And in the split of the second, you pushed his hand away.

“What the fuck are you doing?” you asked angrily, as you immediately felt uncomfortable but also pissed by the boy’s sudden action.

“Aww, poor baby is not in the mood,” he chuckled and reached for his chopsticks to take another piece of the tteokbokki from your plate and put it in front of your mouth.

“We need to feed the baby, say aaaaah~”

You hit his hand away once again, and the boys around started to laugh even more, making you feel ashamed. The tears from helpless frustration started to sting your eyes, but you strongly resisted to open your mouth and eat the tteokbokki that Changmin put in front of you once again.

“Come on, y/n! Say a-”

“I’m sure y/n is not hungry anymore.”

You heard a voice from behind you, and the person quickly pushed Changmin’s arm away. You looked up, seeing Jeonghan’s serious face behind you. He took a quick glance at you, immediately noticing the tears that swelled in your eyes.

Your boyfriend grabbed your wrist and pulled you up, the chair squeaking by the sudden drag.

“Oh come one, dude!” one of the boys shouted, but he was totally ignored by Jeonghan.

He quickly hid your fragile body behind his silhouette, looking into your eyes which glistened with tears.

Jeonghan cupped your cheeks with his hands, “Talk to me, angel. Did he hurt you?” he whispered gently, looking at you intensively.

You didn’t respond to him, tears glistening in your eyes.

The boy cursed under his breath, quickly focusing on you once again, “I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry angel that I left you here alone..” he whispered, gently kissing your forehead, “I’ll take you home now.”

“Jeonghan, dude! Your friend is so damn pretty,” Changmin yelled, lazily getting up from the chair, stumbling over his own legs, “Can I have her number? You know that I like girls like her, especially in bed.”

You could see how Jeonghan’s face immediately darkened, and he let out a loud scoff after hearing the boy’s question. He took a deep breath and grasped your hand.

“Okay, then I’ll text you later!” Changmin shouted.

Not even glancing back anymore you two left the restaurant, immediately getting into Jeonghan’s car.

This time, the silence was really uncomfortable, compared to the time you drove here. The atmosphere between you not knowing why thickened.

During the whole way home, Jeonghan was silent. He focused on the road, still holding your hand, and only taking small glances at you from time to time. There were a few times when you wanted to say something, but as your mouth opened, nothing came out. You thought as if you’re going to explode from the nervousness you felt at that moment.

When you finally reached your apartment, you walked into it silently, taking off your coats and shoes.

You knew that the boy was trying to give you some time and space, but as you’ve already known Jeonghan well, you knew that something was bothering him as well.

The boy muttered something about getting a glass of water for himself, and you, feeling guilty about everything that had happened, decided to follow him to the kitchen like a puppy.

He took a glass for himself and also for you, and poured some water for you to drink before drinking from his glass. But you had other plans than drinking that stupid water.

You knew it was finally the time to destroy the wall between the two of you.

“Jeonghan-” you said, but in the blink of an eye his glass hit the hard surface of your kitchen island and he scooped you up, placing you on the countertop.

Jeonghan’s arms rested by the two of your sides, securing you, as he stood between your legs. He was silent, with his head lowered.

Your heart was beating like crazy and your breathing sped up. You had no idea what you should do in this situation.

“It’s so.. fucking frustrating.” the boy hissed, still not looking at you. You decided to give him time and you waited for him patiently.

Finally, after a while the boy raised his head, looking straight into your eyes. As he was slightly bent down, his eyes were on the same level as your, dangerously close to your face.

“It’s so fucking frustrating, that people can’t see that we are together. That you can’t call me yours, and I can’t call you mine. That I have to tell everyone that we’re just friends. That we can’t have any, even the smallest interactions..” he stopped for a second, being completely drowned in your eyes.

“Please.. y/n.” Jeonghan sighed painfully, “Can’t you see how hard I’m trying? Just give.. us a chance. I will show you that we can be together in the public, and that we can survive by being by each other’s side. Because I love you, y/n.”

And for the first time in your life, you saw Jeonghan's eyes fill with tears, making it really hard for you to also not tear up.

“A-and..” he stuttered, as his voice slowly started to break.

“Recently I’m not even sure anymore if you still love me the same way as I do.”

Ouch.

Just one sentence. Small like a needle, but painful like a knife.

You immediately cupped Jeonghan’s face, wiping his tears away with your thumb. The boy had stuck his eyes still to yours, desperately looking for an answer.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so so.. sorry, that I made you feel that way..” you uttered, “I was blind, mainly following my feelings and needs, while not focusing enough on yours, which you also had.” you stopped for a second, taking a big breath to not let your voice break.

“You’ve always been so patient with me, always honest and so soft with the way you treated me.. You protected me, and was with me when I needed you the most. And I..” your voice broke, and you let out a shaky sigh.

“I gave you nothing back but rules. I feel so stupid because of that..” your eyes shone with the tears that you couldn’t hold in anymore. Jeonghan was listening to you silently, with his eyes still watery, but now you could find hope in it.

“I’m so sorry, Hannie..” you whispered as you brought the boy closer, crossing your hands over his shoulders. He snuggled into the crook of your neck, while holding your waist tightly, and inhaling your scent.

You stayed in this position for a few good minutes, before you finally pulled away, resting your foreheads over yourselves. You had your eyes stuck on Jeonghan’s shining ones, and he had on yours. And at that point, when you were staring at your boyfriend, you'd made up your mind.

You were ready.

“Hannie..” you uttered.

The boy sent you a soft smile, “Yes, angel?” he murmured.

“I want us to be visible. I don’t want us to hide anymore.” you decided, immediately noticing how much you caught Jeonghan off guard by your sudden statement.

On the spur of the moment and Jeonghan’s confusion, you leaned down and placed your lips on top of his, connecting you in a soft kiss.

At first, Jeonghan didn’t react to your action. But then he melted into the kiss, turning it into a passionate and hungry kiss. He quickly cupped your cheeks with one of his hands, holding your face gently while not allowing you to pull away with his other hand that rested on your waist.

You ran your hands through his soft, dark hair. The boy lifted your body from the kitchen island, and you wrapped your legs around his waist, not breaking the kiss as the boy made his way to your bedroom.

Yeah.

You were sure that you wanted to make you two visible.

The sound of the messages blowing up your phone has been ringing for the past 15 minutes, echoing in your room. Irritated by another incoming call, you finally woke up, and it turned out that it was Millie, the same as all of the messages.

You answered the call and put it on the speaker, placing your phone next to your pillow as you layed back on the bed.

“Millie.. I swear to god, if it’s something unimportant and you woke me up on the day when the lectures start later-”

“Wait y/n! Have you checked my messages?” Millie’s loud voice made you squeeze your eyes from the loudness, as you were still half asleep.

A sigh left your mouth, “Girl be for real. You just woke me up, how could I check your messages?” you muttered while rubbing your eyes.

“Then check it! I think you need to see it!” Millie shouted, and lazily, you took your phone, unlocking it and going straight to messages.

Millie sent you a screenshot with an Instagram post, uploaded by Siyeon. She took a selfie with Jeonghan, who sat next to her (probably not even knowing she was taking photos).

You immediately noticed that this photo was taken at the meeting that you attended a few days ago. Siyeon was wearing the same, short burgundy dress she wore that day, and Jeonghan had the same black shirt on.

But the most disturbing thing was the description she wrote under the post.

Liked by shushu_a and 16 134 others

SolLaSiyeon: finally breaking the radio silence 😘

“Can you believe that Lim Siyeon is in a relationship with Yoon Jeonghan?!” Millie squealed on the other side, and she started talking about something, but her voice began to gradually mute. You didn’t respond, being completely stunned by what you just saw.

“Wait. How do you know they’re together?” you asked, wanting to deny Millie’s assumption, “She didn’t say anything about it.”

“Oh y/n.. the title holds the whole meaning!” your best friend was quick to answer you, “She breaks the radio silence while posting a photo with Yoon Jeonghan. And in the description she writes ‘breaking the radio silence’ which refers to the gossip about Jeonghan’s girlfriend!”

Now it actually made sense, what made you feel even more terrified.

That one scene kept playing in your mind.

“Why did you two come together? Are you two dating or something?”

The girl was planning it from the beginning, making sure that her plan would work out.

Your best friend was still talking about something, but you didn’t really have the time to listen about how Joshua did this and that, so unfortunately you had to cut her off, “Sorry, Millie, but I really have to go. I’ll see you at the lectures later.” and you hung up, quickly getting up from the bed to get ready.

You couldn’t just leave it like that, you had to do something.

But what exactly..?

Your heart was racing and you felt like throwing up. You were waiting by one of the lecture halls, pacing back and forth while trying to calm yourself down. From what you’ve heard from some people on the campus, Siyeon was supposed to finish her lecture now, making it easier for you to catch her and talk with her.

And just as you were coming by the door again, it opened widely and people started to flood out of the room. You waited, standing on the side by the wall, while nervously biting your lower lip. You kept observing when the girl would come out from the lecture hall.

Finally, after some seconds you noticed the familiar face, immediately feeling how your insides start to roll from the stress. Siyeon was talking with one of her friends, not even sparing one glance at you, being deeply immersed in her conversation.

You took one deep breath before following them, and finally calling Siyeon’s name. The girl stopped her movements and turned around to face you, immediately putting the fake ‘shit i have to look friendly’ smile on her face.

“Hi y/n, what’s up?” she asked, trying to sound as enthusiastic as she could. You gulped, feeling how hot your whole body started to feel.

“Hi,” you mumbled, “Could I ask you a favor?” the girl looked at you questioningly.

“Could you delete the post with Jeonghan that you recently posted?”

Siyeon’s eyes grew bigger as her smile turned into a grimace. “Huh why? Is something wrong with that, sweetie?”

“I don’t want you to create confusion and another round of gossip about my boyfriend.”

There you go. You finally said that.

However, the girl pressed her lips tightly, and looked at her friend, bursting out laughing. The wave of coldness ran through your body. That wasn’t something you expected.

“Okay, o-okay,” Siyeon stuttered, trying to calm down from laughing, “You got us. That was a nice one, y/n. Now if you excuse us-”

“I’m not finished.”

Suddenly, your hand gripped onto her wrist, stopping her mid-step from walking away. Siyeon glanced at your hand that was tightened around her forearm. She rolled her eyes, letting out a scoff as she turned around to face you.

Then you finally noticed how people started to circle you, observing what’s happening, some even recording. Your mouth immediately felt dry but you knew you couldn’t give up now.

“I don’t want you to post any more photos that include my boyfriend, while trying to make an impression as if he is your boyfriend. Yes! We might have been secret about our relationship, but it’s not as if we didn’t have the right to. It’s actually none of anyone’s business who Jeonghan is dating, because it shouldn’t be anyone’s main concern. But, when you post a photo with a description that says ‘breaking the radio silence’ as if you’re proposing to everyone, that you two are dating, then nothing else is left for me than to finally reveal the main secret, that everyone has been dying to find out the truth.” you smirked, while letting out a quiet snark.

“Yoon Jeonghan is dating me. I am his girlfriend, and Jeonghan is mine.”

Everyone and everything around you fell silent. The only thing you could hear at that moment was your rapidly beating heart, and your own breathing.

After some seconds, you finally looked at Siyeon, only to find she wasn’t looking at you. The girl had her eyes set on something behind your figure. You frowned, and slowly turned around.

At that moment, you felt as if your heart dropped. Your whole body froze, the feeling of embarrassment and shame striking you right at that specific moment.

Because no one else than Yoon Jeonghan himself was standing a few meters from you, in front of the whole crowd. He had his hands stuck in the pockets of his jeans, head tilted a little to the side while a proud smirk was stuck to his lips.

When Siyeon finally came out of her daze, she hit your stiff figure with her shoulder as she ran up to Jeonghan, pouting. “Jeonghanie! Did you hear what that crazy chick was saying? Isn’t she stupid? How could she even say such insane things! You’re not her boyfrie-”

“Oh, but I am.” he cut her off, with that lazy smirk he always loved to wear.

If your speech made an impact on people who stood around you, Jeonghan’s approval surely caught the whole crowd off guard. Everyone started to whisper, gossip and murmur about something.

“W-what?” Siyeon’s lips started to tremble, “But oppa..” she whined, trying to argue with him, but Jeonghan simply ignored her.

He slowly approached your shaking figure, sending you a warm grin. Gently, he took your hand and connected it with his, intertwining your fingers. The boy left a butterfly kiss on your knuckles, immediately getting sounds of adorations and approval from around.

Your eyes met his, and the boy whispered, “Trust me.”

Jeonghan slowly walked out of the crowd, pulling you out from that corridor. The two of you left the building silently, and finally when you were in the campus’ park, you had to break the silence.

“Hannie..” you removed your hand from his, gaining a questioning look from your boyfriend, “Listen, I’m sorry.. I know I should have stopped myself from doing it, from getting jealous, from confronting Siyeon, and from letting out the secret, but believe me I didn’t do it on purpose.. I-I.. ah..” you stuttered, being lost in your words, “I couldn’t just leave it like that when everyone started to gossip about you being in a relationship with her and-”

“y/n, stop.” Jeonghan’s firm voice ran through your whole body, shutting you up right away.

The boy chuckled, gently cupping your cheeks with his palms, and looking deeply into your eyes with his shining ones.

“Did you really think I would get mad at you for any of these? Angel.. why would I even do that..? You can’t imagine how happy I felt when you finally gave us a green light. But still, I wanted you specifically to tell us about us and our relationship.” he caressed your cheeks with his knuckles, smiling at your pouting face.

“And that moment when you claimed that you’re my girlfriend and I’m only yours? Damn, sweetheart, that was so hot-”

“Yoon Jeonghan!” he immediately got rewarded with a slap on his shoulder as the boy bursted out laughing at your shyness.

“Okay, I’m sorry!” he giggled, and you finally broke the grimace, sending him a soft smile.

“But seriously, you can’t even believe how happy you just have made me right there.” Jeonghan added, and left a sweet kiss on your forehead before conecting your hands once again.

“Hot chocolate?” he asked charmingly.

“Hot chocolate.” you nodded.

Walking down the main sidewalk of your campus, many people looked at you, and specifically at your intertwined hands. With your cheeks burning red, you took your phone out of your pocket, only to find lots of calls and messages from people from the campus. And one of them was Millie.

Millie:

YOU.

bitch

how dare you not tell me anything!!!! >:(

you have LOTS to tell me

and i won’t let you go

oh nononononooooo

so better prepare yourself

cuz i need to know

every.

single.

detail.

EVERYTHINGGGGGG

As you think of it now, while laying peacefully in your bed and having Jeonghan snuggled into the crook of your neck, even if you liked the way you two functioned while being ‘invisible’, you had to agree.

Being visible with Jeonghan was much better.

© shuawonie | 2023, all rights reserved.

reuploads and likes are highly appriciated ♡

[eamour]

inner self and outer self.

life is an expression of SELF. it’s a reflection of who you are and what you have within — in IMAGINATION. but where is SELF? does SELF only exist on the inside? can SELF also exist in the outside?

the inner self.

inner self · lives in the world of imagination, feels limitless and free, thinks life happens from them, believes they are in complete control and in charge of their reality, only accepts desirable things for the way they are and changes things they don’t want, knows that they create everything around them, …

the outer self.

outer self · lives in the world of senses, feels limited and restricted by the facts and rules of life, thinks life happens to them, believes that they cannot control or change their reality, accepts things for the way they are, thinks that they cannot create anything, …

your true self.

the truth is, you are only one being feeling yourself into believing you are two beings — the inner and the outer self. the outer self however is an illusion. it’s a physical expression, an embodiment of the garment that’s worn mentally by the inner self. you are always living in the world of imagination and therefore always the inner self. moreover, there is only one world (imagination) and one self (inner). you can only ever be your inner self. you cannot not be your inner self.

inner over outer.

anything you feel to experience on the outside actually is first experienced on the inside. life doesn’t happen to you but from you. the same way your outer self reacts to your creation, it is your inner self who does. it's your inner self who feels as the outer self doesn’t exist and cannot feel on its own. so stop believing that your outer self AND your outer reality exist independently.

inner change.

oh and because of that, because you only truly exist in the world of imagination, you can only ever fulfill your inner self MENTALLY. fulfillment and satisfaction of self can only take place INTERNALLY within your mind. again, the medium through which we shift is FEELING. the FEELING of BEING and HAVING.

the only self.

"there is no other to please, you only please yourself." — aphrodite apprentice.

you need to understand that there is nothing outside of you. everything on the outside exists on the inside and has therefore been imagined once. nothing is not yours because you are everything and vice versa. there can’t be no other god or creator in the world — YOUR world — of imagination

i am ness.

before you are anything, you ARE. before you claim yourself to BE anything, before you state to HAVE anything, you say "I AM". you can never escape your own "I AM", your awareness of BEING and HAVING. you may forget who you are, where you are, why you are, when you are, what you are, you won’t ever forget that YOU ARE. you can never stop being aware of something no matter what. and with that awareness, you declare yourself to be the one and only creator as there is no other conscious creator outside of you. that’s what your "I AM" is. that’s your "I AM-ness".

your i am.

your purest and truest self is consciousness — unconditioned, pure consciousness. your inner self, without the occupation of any state and any garment, is faceless and formless awareness that hasn’t been defined yet. you are awareness unattached to any concept and any conviction of self. all you are is imagination in which all things exist infinitely and where all things are entirely possible. that is who you are. awareness of SELF. the sense of SELF.

and you are ?

hereupon, you can be whoever you want to be and have whatever you want to have. it’s up to you how you wish to "condition" your awareness. we assign meaning to our states, we rate and evaluate them, we distinguish between "good" and "bad".

with love, ella.

[windvexer]

On what I'm going to call "peer positioning" in witchcraft, and the scary empowerment it can bring you

I think a lot of people who get into witchcraft have a problem with being able to see themselves as peers & equals to the powers they cultivate around them.

I see this most often discussed when it comes to gods. "Just because your god asks you for something doesn't mean you need to do it!" Etc. I think we've all heard that.

But today my thoughts are on the tarot, and how some people seem to treat tarot readings as "the truth" or "the answer" that then must be followed, even if they (the living, breathing, human practitioner) don't really agree or don't really want to do that.

I'm really big on the analogy of a witch as a monarch, and the concept of various powers (like gods, spirits, tools, and spells) being counselors in the throne room.

In this context, it's easier to adopt the mindset that all of these powers have their own personalities, abilities, and goals - and that they can & will provide conflicting information when you ask for advice. (Especially ancestors - so opinionated!)

Imagine Captain Picard sitting in the meeting room with Geordi, Riker, and the rest of the space nerds.

Captain Picard is like, "the power core is failing and the away team is stranded on the planet. I think we should use the nebula to hide until the Gromflomites stop searching for us." And then Geordi is like, "but Captain, the engines would never make it! We have to go rescue the away team immediately!" And Captain Picard is like, "damn... Wow. I really wanted to go to the nebula, I thought it was the best choice :/ but if you're saying we literally don't have to worry about the Gromflomites..." Then Riker is like, "Captain, no. Geordi isn't saying the Gromflomites aren't a problem, he's just expressing his top concerns as Chief Engineer." And then Picard is all, "oh, so... this is conflicting information? Did that mean I did a bad reading on Geordi, or that negative spirits are stopping me from being able to communicate? Is Riker possibly a trickster?"

If you're captain of the ship, monarch of the kingdom, (etc.), then it might be important to ask yourself:

Am asking for input from my counsel of allied powers, and then making choices for myself?

Or, have I inadvertently signed over my decision-making process to these powers?

And I think it all kind of comes back to "peer positioning," or, witches being able to develop a spiritual framework within which they are equals to the powers around them.

Since beginning practicing witchcraft in earnest, I have often demanded a course of direction. Instead of asking, "how do I accomplish this?" I would ask, "what do I do?"

And the answer was the same every time, deeply infuriating, but also very scary: "Do whatever you think is best."

I think that's the problem of being the captain of the ship. Once your counselors are done giving their input, you are the one who has to make the final call.

Lately I've really been on a kick about witchcraft as a path of empowerment, and I think that viewing spiritual input as just that - input - is a vital part of the process.

Even if you are a true-blue believer in the magical power of tarot, tarot is still just one counselor sitting in your throne room.

Even if you have tutelary spirits, guardians and guides, gods and angels, providing blessings and support - they are not sitting at the head of the table.

You are.

I think that a framework of allied powers as peers and equals is relatively basic, and does have its flaws. But I also think it can be helpful in a variety of ways:

It can provide a system of understanding why allied powers can give conflicting advice, or even seemingly bad advice that doesn't align with our personal desires.

It can provide a tool for processing spiritual input.

It helps restore a sense of personal authority to a practitioner.

It can help a practitioner reclaim control of a path that's grown a mind of its own.

It aids in practicing that most oppressive of skills - liberated autonomy.

I just think it's something to consider. At the end of the day, most of us have probably got to make our own calls.

[I'm making this post because in the past few months I've been helping witches consult the tarot, and they've been giving feedback like, "so this is what I should do, right?" or, "what is it telling me to do?"

I can basically see the huge reblogs where people are explaining that a period of time where they signed complete personal autonomy over to their god was the most empowering and spiritually electric time in their lives,

and I want you to know, I'm not speaking about vows and oaths made to entities that gives them control over your life. I'm talking about situations where witches put down their autonomy so they can have both hands free to shuffle tarot.]

[stvrlightgirl]

Heal me.

pairing: Billy Russo x F!reader

warnings: none

wc: 1k

summary: Your first relationship was toxic, and your ex made sure you wouldn’t forget it. But little did he know, Billy would be the only man who could heal you.

When you told Billy you didn’t really get to experience a true relationship, his heart broke a little. The way your eyes had dropped to the floor, as if ashamed of the past you had no control over, made his chest tighten with an unfamiliar ache. Billy was used to seeing pain — he'd caused plenty of it himself — but something about the idea of you, his sweetheart, never knowing what real love felt like was unbearable.

He reached out, lifting your chin with a gentle finger, his dark eyes softening as they always do when he looked at you. "Doll, you deserve so much more than what you've been given. I promise I’m gonna show you what it's supposed to be like, yeah?”

You nodded, uncertainty flickering in your gaze, but there was also a glimmer of hope that hadn't been there before. Billy smiled, his thumb brushing your cheek with a tenderness that made your heart flutter.

---

The next few weeks were a learning curve for both of you. Billy, who had always been confident in his relationships — however short-lived they might have been — found himself slowing down, being more mindful and patient. He wanted you to know, to feel that this was different. That he was different.

It started with the small things. He noticed how you would hesitate to reach for his hand in public, your fingers twitching with the desire to make contact but pulling back as if unsure. So, he took the initiative, gently intertwining his fingers with yours whenever you walked beside each other, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze.

"You don't have to ask for this, doll," he'd whisper, leaning close so only you could hear. "You can take my hand anytime you want."

And when you finally did—one evening as the two of you walked along the river, your fingers slowly sliding into his on your own accord—the smile that lit up his face was brighter than any city skyline.

Then there were the nights you spent together. You'd told him how your ex would use silence as a weapon, how the absence of words would leave you feeling alone even when you weren’t. Billy hated that. He hated the person who did this to you so much, that he wanted to kill them. So, he made sure to fill the quiet with his voice, speaking to you in soft tones, telling you stories from his childhood, asking about your day, and even sharing silly little thoughts just to make you laugh.

One night, as you lay curled up against him with his arm draped over your waist, you asked him, your voice barely above a whisper, "Billy, why are you so good to me?"

He looked down at you, his expression one of genuine surprise. "You're everything to me. Why wouldn't I be good to you?"

You bit your lip, still not entirely convinced. "I just… I’ve never had this before. I don’t know if I deserve it."

That broke his heart all over again. He shifted, turning you to face him, his thumb tracing the outline of your jaw. "You deserve this and more, doll. You deserve everything that’s good in this world. Don’t ever doubt that. No more of that toxic shit, okay? Just us, taking care of each other."

You nodded, eyes misting with unshed tears. The way he looked at you, like you were precious, like you mattered—it was almost too much. But you let yourself believe him, just a little bit more every day.

---

As the months passed, you began to see the truth in Billy's words. He was patient with you, even when your insecurities tried to rear their ugly heads. If you ever hesitated or pulled back, he was there with a soft smile and a gentle touch, guiding you through the unfamiliar terrain of a healthy relationship.

One night, after a particularly tiring day at work, you came home to find Billy in the kitchen, cooking dinner. The smell of garlic and herbs filled the air, and the sight of him—hair slightly tousled, sleeves of his white shirt rolled up, focused entirely on making something for you—brought tears to your eyes. And you realised that he came from work, probably worn out after training his men all day and still, he stood in the kitchen making you food. You had never known this kind of care before, never known what it felt like to come home to someone who genuinely wanted to take care of you.

"Billy…" you started, your voice wavering.

He turned, concern immediately washing over his features as he saw the tears brimming in your eyes. He wiped his hands on a towel, coming over to you in quick strides. "Hey, what's wrong sweet girl? Did something happen?"

You shook your head, laughing softly even as a tear escaped and slid down your cheek. "No, nothing's wrong. It's just…You. Never had someone who… who wanted to take care of me like this."

Billy’s expression softened as he gently cupped your face in his hands, brushing away the hot tears with his thumb. "You're my baby. Of course, I wanna take care of you. That’s what love is, isn’t it? Being there for each other, making sure the other person is okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be.” He smiled, a small wrinkles forming around his eyes.

You leaned into his touch, feeling a warmth spread through your chest that you were slowly beginning to recognize as love. "I think I'm starting to understand that now." You murmur.

He smiled, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. "Good. Because you deserve to be loved like this. And I’m gonna make sure you never forget that."

And as he pulled you into a warm embrace, holding you close, you realized that you were finally starting to believe it. Billy had shown you what real love was supposed to be—patient, kind, and full of understanding. He was helping you heal, helping you learn that you were worth all the love he had to give.

And for the first time in a long time, you felt like you were exactly where you belonged.

[mageknight14]

I made a whole Twitter thread about this a few months back but I figured that I might as well bring it here as well.

Today I want to take some time to make another NEO TWEWY analysis post on the Identity Crisis sidequest revolving around Eiru and how it actually provides extra insight into Nagi and Fret’s characters.

Basically, the main gist of the sidequest is that Nagi and Fret are debating on how to imprint confidence onto Eiru, who’s suffering with his physical insecurities, and this is where we see the differences with Nagi and Fret's philosophies on life.

Fret's response is to tell Eiru to ignore the haters and even more so, ignore confronting the insecurities; life is better when you don't have to concern yourself with anything or try; don't take anything seriously. Nagi, however, believes that insecurities should be understood and harnessed so that they can ultimately be turned into a strength that can be used as a tool for success; accept your weaknesses and come to terms with them so that you can weaponize your strengths better.

On a surface level, these might read to be the same thing. Fret’s advice can be read positively as "don't let others judge you for something you can't control" and Fret certainly thinks so, hence why he thinks that he and Nagi are on the same page even though she disagrees.

However, when you read between the lines and think about it some more, there are notable implications that Fret's advice is more of a dismissive approach to dealing with emotional struggles as opposed to Nagi's own methodology. It’s no coincidence that Fret used to be a fan of the Eiji "the Prince" Oji in his ennui/apathy phase. The Prince in the original TWEWY was beloved for his “don’t give a damn attitude” and how he expressed that both in person and in his blog “F Everything.” Fret claims to have grown out of it but with certain reveals about his character later on, there are some implications that Fret latched onto the Prince and aspired to his attitude due to his own struggles with feeling genuine and wanting to embracing apathy instead.

However, if you recall in the original game, Neku and Joshua came around and helped the Prince sort out his own issues and in the process, helped him to become more genuine and true to himself in the process. With all of this in mind, you can interpret Fret’s response as him seeing the process of the Prince’s reconciliation with his genuine emotions happening in front of him and didn’t want to confront the possibility of that happening to him as well so he "grows out of it." It also acts as a neat parallel to Neku and his own thing with CAT. Whereas Neku latched onto his misinterpretation of CAT’s words in order to cope with his trauma, Fret turned away from the Prince changing so that he wouldn’t have to deal with his own trauma just yet.

To get back to the quest, if player had decided to choose Fret's philosophy, Eiru ends up doing just that, spinning Fret's stance on the situation into self-motivating positivity. However, there's a element of emotional responsibility lacking in Fret's way of processing struggles in that he doesn't seem to have the awareness to recognize the difference between overcoming adversity and just ignoring it (or maybe he does but refuses to confront that truth). In order for someone to truly not care what other people think, they need to do what Nagi suggested first, which is to find acceptance with their insecurities and build a stronger foundation for their character through that acceptance.

If the player chose Fret's approach to solving Eiru's issue, his dialogue afterwards shows how he feels about not having to face issues head on, with Nagi lamenting that her approach was not used despite being glad that Eiru's mood was visibily improved.

I also really like this moment here for how it subtly foreshadows what caused Fret’s attitude and way of thinking to happen in the first place.

Stuff like this is why I always tend to roll my eyes whenever I hear the claim that "Nagi is mean to Fret for no reason" when moments like these show why she acts the way she does towards him: their philosophies on life are complete polar opposites.

In Nagi’s eyes, Fret acting the way he did screamed to her that he seemingly had no regard for how his attitude and actions towards others made other people feel in service of his own self-interest and she fundamentally cannot get along with other people of that nature, as shown with how she dismisses Motoi entirely off the bat when the crew first meets him because she could tell that there was something off about his attitude. However, once it was revealed that Fret’s attitude was due to him trying to unhealthily cope with his trauma and not because he was seemingly unconcerned for the feelings of others, she’s far more understandable towards him and empathizes with his grief.

That’s when Nagi learns to understand that she does not need to dismiss people right away and that they, like Fret, might be going through struggles of their own and trying to cope with it via other means, even if she doesn’t agree with it at first. Hence the friendship they start up at the end of the convo.

The characters in NEO have a lot of internal flaws they need to work through, some that might not be immediate obvious at first compared to the original, but when you look back at it all, the game goes through a lot of painstaking detail to flesh out their struggles and mindset and aspects like these is what makes the game a joy for me to replay whenever I go back to it.

[sunbloomdew]

Love Confessions in the Baxter DLC

The sequel! Monochrome obsession continues. Part 2/3

Part 1 "The Wedding Confession"

Welcome, or hello again! I played the Baxter DLC a couple of times and I like it a lot, so I wanted to ramble about some of my favourite parts. Specifically about love confessions in Baxter’s version of Step 4, because they are all very well written and make me feel good :3

Reading the first part of this "series" isn't necessary, the introduction is just a bit more thorough in the first post. Furthermore if you've read the first part it might seem like i'm repeating myself with certain points, since those moments share some similarities and i like to be meticulous.

It is time for the second confession and the last one that can be initiated by the player. If you don’t confess here and pick an option in which MC expresses hope of Baxter returning their feelings, you will later reach the moment where Baxter asks MC out himself. This confession is my personal favourite, so prepare for me losing my mind over every single detail.

Spoilers for Baxter DLC!

The confessions all happen after the wedding ceremony, so if you hadn't played to this point yet, i recommend skipping this post (and maybe coming back later, if you wanna chat about them with me)! I may not bring up every single line, but i think this post still covers a good part of what happens.

I call this confession, The Morning Confession, because it takes place on the morning after the wedding! Simple name but it does the job.

There is also another reason for this name, but i'll get to it later.

The wedding is over and most stuff had been cleaned up. MC returns with Baxter to his apartment, after accepting his invitation to stay with him until they have to come back to their home. The two have finally reunited and they aren’t ready to part ways yet.

During that evening, MC and Baxter share a moment by the fireplace in the lobby of the building. I wanted to dedicate some time to this moment, because I think it’s a valuable context to the confession. And aside from providing insight into the mind of Baxter Ward, I love the way it’s written. So sue me, i wanna talk about it.

Despite the fact that they have reconciled, Baxter’s reasoning behind his actions still isn’t fully clear to MC. While being in the company of other people made the lingering unease between them bearable, it still remains. They can't act casually, as if nothing had happened, as if the years hadn’t been lost. So Baxter offers to clarify his point of view. “As sorry as I am, I don’t think I’ve been as open as I could have been” he says and well, that is the truth.

If the player chose to confess to Baxter before this conversation, this moment provides a deeper understanding of the character and explains his reluctance to accept the confession.

It is here by a fireplace – a fitting spot for another personal conversation, considering the duo's shared history – that Baxter reveals his innermost thoughts and fears. At his core, he believes he doesn’t contribute anything to any relationship, because he can't see his own value. And to him, if he doesn’t add anything, then he has no right to form and be in deep, mutually supportive relationships.

Baxter convinced himself that he doesn’t matter. That his only worth is in the entertainment he can provide or the help he can give. In his own words, he doesn’t know what it means to be significant to a person, just by being yourself. Which is why he doesn’t let people get close to him. He assumes that upon finding out that there is nothing more to him, they will leave. So it’s better to not let anybody get to know him, that way no one can be disappointed by his “true” self. He is unable to see that none of that is true because deep down, he thinks he is worthless as a person.

Those feelings about himself are something that have influenced Baxter’s decisions about relationships with other people, for example with Xavier. As the baker reveals later, they always felt that if Baxter had no reason to contact them again, he wouldn't. He kept himself away from others and believed that every connection he makes isn’t meant to last.

Still, Baxter wanted to create bonds with other people. And it terrified him.

He wanted to have that with MC, but he was too afraid to take that chance five years ago. It couldn't have worked out back then. Baxter had his assumptions about himself and others, and he held onto them strongly. It’s sad, but there was no way to make him change his ways back then. He was set on leaving no matter what would have happened.

This Baxter is different from the 19 year old who put his comfort above all else. During that conversation by the fireplace he is being vulnerable in ways he never allowed himself to be before. He tells MC that he missed them over those five years. That they made him feel wanted that summer, and as incredible as it felt, he couldn’t believe it would last. He makes it clear that it wasn’t any of MC’s actions that made him feel that way - he applied this mindset to every connection he made at that time.

It’s incredibly sad to witness his thoughts out in the open like that. I think Baxter’s struggles are something most of us can relate to in some way. Low self-esteem can make people withdraw from social situations and spiral into self-hatered. It’s terrible, to be so wrapped up in disliking yourself that you assume that nobody could ever like you. That you have no good qualities as a person, so you have to make up for them somehow. It can feel like it'll stay this way forever, and so there is no point in trying to connect with others.

However that is not true. In the end, Baxter came to understand this as well. He is worthy of love and friendship. He grew and learned from his past mistakes, and so can we.

He apologises to MC once again, and expresses deep regret over not staying in contact with them. And at last, MC can say that they actually know Baxter Alexander Ward.

I think this moment is really beautiful. It’s an apology without excuses, that provides an explanation. Baxter never had malicious intentions, but even so, his actions had hurt people who cared for him (and who he cared about), so he owns up to his mistakes and does his best to correct them.

Aside from being a really good moment of taking accountablity and being vulnerable with another person this conversation also sets the mood for the morning confession. The air is finally cleared. These two characters can finally show how much they value each other because there is mutual understanding and trust between them again. It will take some time to get to know each other after so long, but they are willing to try, and they know they can be honest.

After a day full of emotional revelations, Baxter and MC finally head to bed. Not only the characters, but the players can take a breath and prepare for what’s to come. And boy are we in for a treat.

The next day arrives and the players are given an option to sleep in as much as they want. What time MC wakes up will have an effect on dialogues and is one of the many examples of how the game lets us customize the protagonist however we want, even in the silliest ways. It is something i deeply appreciate about the Our Life series. The comfort level also changes the lines, for example MC's response to Baxter greeting them in the morning.

Eventually the sleeping beauty wakes up and the pair moves to the living room. Despite sleeping in for a while Baxter is still out of it and it’s so adorable (he's just like me fr).

I think the tone set for the confession is lovely. The atmosphere in the morning is relaxing and light and to me it feels like this is exactly what those characters needed. A new day has arrived, not only literally but figuratively for their relationship. There is no negative tension in the air, just the feeling of peace. They are clearly enjoying each other's company and it's great to finally have that again.

This is only my opinion, but the way this moment feels is exactly why i like it more than the wedding confession. The previous confession is meant to feel rushed, high on emotions and full of determination to declare the feelings right away. MC feels like they have to be upfront about their feelings in that moment so they confess. I do enjoy this type of tension, but i simply prefer this kind of setting. As much as i love convincing Baxter to truly express his feelings by shooting down the reasons not to date him (it's so intense and dramatic! absolutely amazing) i find that i like this quiet admission of feelings more.

While it might not be that intense as the moment right after the wedding, there is still this nagging feeling that urges MC not to wait any longer. They love that they are included in this private corner of Baxter's life and they wish they could have been before. It's this feeling of not wanting to lose any more time, that makes them think about confessing then and there.

And so, the player is presented with a choice:

It is time to confess! Hallelujah.

Just like in the wedding confession we can pick the way we want to confess - with words or with a gesture. If we pick the third option you lose the chance to confess yourself. Instead Baxter will do this when the time comes.

Upon choosing one of the ways to confess, MC has the same internal monologue they do in the wedding confession. I've already shared my thoughts about it in the previous post, but i'll just say here that it's a very nice scene. They reminisce about their relationship with Baxter as a whole, eventually coming to the conclusion, that they can hold on to him.

After the monologue ends, the player has a chance to reaffirm their decision, as they did in the previous confession.

If you back out, MC thinks that they can be together just not in the way they'd want to. They are afraid of confessing, in case they ruin what they just got back and make Baxter run away.

But, if you reaffirm your decision, you get my personal favourite confession scene. Let's get right into it!

I mentioned in Part 1 that Baxter reacts to MC's silence, as they reminisce about their relationship. I find it a little funny when i imagine them just sitting in silence and staring intensely for a while. Kinda like when magical girls have their transformations and the bad guys don't do anything to interrupt them. MC monologuing definitely gives off the same energy. Writing inner monologues is tricky like that.

During the wedding confession Baxter is anxious and worried, waiting to receive MC's verdict. Do they welcome him back to their life? Or do they reject him (even though there is no such option in the game)?. It's stressful and the prolonged silence makes Baxter slowly come back to his usual behaviour to protect himself, in case his vulnerability was the wrong move.

This isn't the case here. His reaction is wildly different. There is no tension or stress, just curiosity and anticipation. Instead of being nervous he is very smug, clearly knowing or at least suspecting what MC is thinking about. I gotta say, when i first picked this option i was stunned. I did NOT expect him to act in this way, but it was a pleasant surprise. Mr. Ward is very perceptive and i love this confident attitude of his.

MC asks him what is on his mind, and he comes back to reality. Baxter encourages them to continue, but they insist he tells them what's going on. And that's what he does. He says that he was remembering a "funny story". Then he asks MC if they want to know something absolutely embarrassing. With that kind of an opening, how could they refuse?

Baxter tells them that Jude and Scott attempted to speak to him about his and MC's... situation. He was surprised that they noticed he was sad and wanted to help him, when he was supposed to be doing that with their relationship. I think it was his feelings of inferiority that made him feel that way.

Moving on, the reason he brought that up wasn't to draw attention to how his poor relationship management skills made others concerned for him. But rather to point out, that the men knew, that MC is important to Baxter. Baxter states that he was grateful they met and despite ending their relationship five years ago, he was never sorry he knew MC. He is kinda chaotic with his admission, one second bringing up the chat with the grooms and the other expressing his affection for MC.

Understandably, it makes MC confused. They thought they were the one leading the dance - or the conversation in this case - but clearly now it's Baxter doing that (i mean he is a professional). Even so, he isn't as good with his words as usual and doesn't quite manage to convey what he wants to MC.

He thanks MC for letting him "ramble" for so long and stands up. Shit's getting real. We're about to enter the boss fight.

He moves to sit on the edge of the coffee table, which puts him at the eye level with MC, only closer than before. And then this silly man leans closer acting all calm and confident. Dude. Please. Everytime i play this moment i lose my precious ability to formulate thoughts, not to mention actual sentences. Because. Oh my god.

And then he hits you with THAT. He absolutely knew what MC was thinking about and he is having a lot of fun with teasing them. They realize that he caught on to what was going on and figure that at least it makes it easier to confess. The dialogue varies in this place because of the comfort level - these are their thoughts on the Direct setting. They also think about how hard would it be to tell him they liked him before he opened up to them. I find it pretty funny, because it’s clearly a tiny poke, towards players who did confess right after the wedding and faced this struggle. When you’re replaying those moments it does make you chuckle.

Now we can finally confess our feelings! When doing that verbally there are a couple of options to choose from, as in the case of the wedding confession. One of the options is: "Could I consider all the time we spent together a date?" and you already know i love this one. It's playful, it's a reference to when Baxter asked MC out five years ago, it's perfect. There is no contender, i always choose it.

...Is what i would say, but i actually always choose the option to confess with a kiss during this feelings reveal.

Confessing with a kiss looks a bit different from the first confession. This time there aren't multiple options to choose where we want to kiss him, MC goes straight (or is it?) for the lips. And the way that kiss is described is everything to me. I'm an absolute sucker for kissing scenes and this one is just so, so, so good! I cannot find fitting words in english (and neither can i in polish) so i'll just drop one screenshot from it and move along before i combust.

It's so tender and sweet and adorable please-

While Baxter was acting super confident and cocky, the second MC declares their love for him/moves to kiss him he turns into a shy, blushing mess. Despite knowing or at least suspecting what MC was about to do he is still caught of guard. I think that his reaction is absolutely adorable. Baxter doesn't blush a lot, so it's always a treat when he does.

We can choose to tell Baxter, that MC wanted to be with him even five years ago and this stuns him again.

Now that MC have confessed their love they're waiting for Baxter to respond. But GOD, is he struggling. It's the first time Baxter is so flustered and it makes me so giddy. He allows himself to show how much MC means to him and holy shit, this man cannot look at them for too long because he will just blush even harder.

From the way he is acting it's already clear that he reciprocates MC's feelings. But the fact that he gets so shy? Stole my heart, sir how dare you be so cute.

Of course, Baxter Ward cannot stay flustered for long and he eventually recovers. Damn it.

His response to the confession is so sweet. He basically says "my turn" and tells MC all the things he loves about being with them, how they made him feel and how much he appreciates them. There is still a moment of self-loathing, when Baxter regrets trying to keep MC out of his life- twice. He is surprised that MC still has feelings for him, still wants to be with him despite all the pain he caused them.

He still brings up all the potential reasons why this could be a bad idea. Limited connections, his current financial situation and his past ways of managing relationships. But unlike in the Wedding Confession, here those aren't statements for MC to refute. I'd say they are less of a warning for MC and more of an expose of himself, to be sure that he revealed everything he considers a flaw before accepting their confession. "By all accounts, I shouldn't be doing this. But I am." - those are his words. Even if he still has his doubts, he isn't going to turn MC down anymore. If he let them go now, in fear of potentially not being enough in this relationship, he would regret it.

And so that is his response: "If you'll have me you will have me." Don't mind if i do- yoink.

While he calmed down a bit for this admission, he gets flustered yet again. It's so adorable to see him be so affected by MC and this situation.

Baxter says that it was easier asking MC out himself all those years ago. He is still so out of it that he voices out loud that he has no idea what to do now. His usual grace and poise are still on leave it seems. He follows it up with that it would be the best if he switched from sitting on the coffee table to somewhere with a backrest, just in case. Dude. Baxter is so strongly impacted by this confession that he is fully aware that there is a possiblity that he will just topple down. I'm melting, it's so cute!

He moves to the couch and MC joins him over there. Once Baxter calms down a bit, he says he is starting to "remember some possiblities" and the two kiss again. I can't even begin describe how much i love the way the kissing moments are written. They're amazing and i'm losing my mind.

The last question Baxter has is if his feelings were obvious to MC. He recounts when Jude asked him point-blank if he was still 'into' MC - we get a couple of dialogue answers to pick, either reacting to Jude even asking about it or answering Baxter's question.

And that is the end of this confession! Baxter overcomes his sheepishness at last, no longer blushing intensely. Quite a shame, but i think we all love his usual charming self as well.

There are no more reservations about showing his true feelings. The pair has been reunited after five years and are finally ready to start a long-term relationship. Good for them <3

Baxter shares one last thought at the end of this long conversation:

And yes, this is the other reason why i call this confession the Morning Confession specifically! It's entirely because of Baxter pointing it out. And because he is so surprised about this turn of events.

The second part is finally over! I worked on it during those two weeks (holy fuck, why) it took me to post it. I'm a bit bummed it took me this long to finish it, but i did my best <3

This part is definitely longer than the first, the brainrot got to me. I haven't started the third part yet but i already replayed the last confession scene and honestly? I forgot how good it was compared to the other two! Shame on me, truly.

See you in the third part! Peace out~

Part 1

[rosestars]

On Fame and Normalcy as Context for Critique of TTPD It's surprising for me to see critiques of the album that essentially say, "We all know she's extremely rich and famous, so why is she pretending to be having the human experience?" Because this album reaches us within the real-world context of Swift's fame, we can't help but see her experiencing that fame out of the corner of our eye as we listen. But I'd argue that we need to ignore that glimmer over there and focus instead on how the songs make us feel and what they are saying within their own context—to consider the album on its own terms as a work of art.

In our culture, fame and wealth represent a kind of transcendence. One of the reasons prosperity gospel works so well is that the ideology of the last century has solidified the conflation of attaining wealth and attaining heaven—which was previously considered a mythological,* posthumous state. What surprises me about these critiques of Swift's work is that they don't seem to be able to question this inner ontology.

The lesson should be that her continued focus on the subject matter at hand reveals a truth about life—as all great art does: nothing saves you from the mundane experience of being a human, nothing removes precarious emotions and irrational, unobtainable desires. These are the burdens we all bear, they are the landscapes we all walk through. At the bottom of art is the desire to establish, I think, a shared humanity. In which the artist can express their humanity and reflect the audience's humanity back to them. With a receptive audience—and I believe the Swifties are a receptive audience—the artist can see their humanity reflected back in the shared humanity experienced by their audience.

I'm skeptical of serious or intellectual (as opposed to political or social) art critique in general because it essentially investigates and unpicks whether a work of art has accurately explained the human experience. Honestly, what the fuck is up with that? The experience is what it is, what comes out of a human is an accurate human experience.

The continued resistance to seeing Swift as a human woman is a resistance to letting go of the idea that success can end suffering, which is an innate, built-in feature of having a human form.

I think the impulse to see Swift as a god on the part of some of her fans is also tied to this resistance. It's completely natural to see god in the sublime—an impossibly high waterfall laced with rainbows; a mountain view on a clear, bright morning; black storm clouds like a floating city in the summer sunlight—and Swift's presence and her work is sublime. But to place the onus of the sublime on Swift alone is also unfair to her as a human being who will, inevitably, experience the quotidian, petty, and disappointing like the rest of us. The roots of the sublime, for Swift, and for her fans, have always been firmly planted in the mundane.

I'd like to enter into evidence the lines, All my friends smell like weed or little babies and You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate / We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist / I scratched your head / You fall asleep / Like a tattooed golden retriever and Now I'm down bad crying at the gym.

Swift has become more and more comfortable with, and skilled at, reporting from the front lines of being inside an average moment. Not a moment so sparkly that you're [dancing] in a storm in [your] best dress / Fearless. Not a moment that you're willing yourself to capture it, remember it! Not even a moment as romantic as dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light. It's not rare, but the narrator's there, we're there, and it's real and true in a way that poeticizing it any further would obscure.

To be an artist, Swift must be a person, as all artists must—it's our burden to be (maybe) more human than everyone else because it's our role to connect people to their shared humanity. Artists have to be open to the whole world of experience like a tide pool that lets things flow in and lets them flow out again.** Therefore, it's imperative to engage with The Tortured Poets Department as if it was written by a human woman who is an artist and not by Taylor Swift the brand, the star, the god.

It's this aspect of the her, the work itself, that is immortal and transcendent. To reference "Clara Bow" and it's allusion to the passage of female stardom, I'd like to say that Stevie Nicks (also referenced in the song along with the eponymous actress) may not be the sensation that she once was, but decades after her public "peak" Nicks' work has played a pivotal role in the development of my sonic tastes (via the way her style has inspired artists like Swift herself), my self-image, and my emotional world. Nicks' fame is not gone, it's just underground living in the subconscious of thousands of listeners like me who treasure every sublime and mundane artistic decision she made years ago.

I hate to make the parallel, but I will anyway because I love this text: Meditations by Marcus Aurelius—yes, the one that every philosophy bro in your life has told you to read—was a journal that Aurelius kept around 161 to 180 AD. The man was the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, the biggest deal, the apotheosis of then-contemporary manhood. And his journal is filled with pep talks and frustrations, urging himself to get his shit together, to get out of bed on time, to stay resilient to conflict and criticism. Normal, everyday human stuff.

He writes, "At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: 'I have to go to work—as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for—the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?'

So you were born to feel 'nice'? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?

You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.”

Swift, hopefully, will continue to fix her quill, fountain pen, or glitter gel pen on her pedestrian experiences and inner feelings, expressing them as stories about other similarly flawed, confused, boring, passionate, loving, ambitious, sad, supportive, imaginative, foolish characters through her music. After all, she must continue to go to work, as a human being, just like the rest of us. And in sharing that work with the world as a human woman—not a god or an icon—we get the gift of experiencing a unique facet of our shared humanity in all its messiness and strangeness and contradiction and paradox and inadequacy and wonder.

I want you to know / I'm a mirrorball / I'll show you every version of yourself tonight.

More TTPD reflections under {#an experiential read of the tortured poets department} follow along!

Notes

*Mythological here referring to the mythology-as-worldview/ontology/truth that's upheld by religion or folk spiritual belief systems.

** This is a metaphor from Anne Lamott in this podcast episode: https://www.cathyheller.com/2021/03/how-to-quiet-your-inner-critic-stop-procrastinating-on-your-dreams-anne-lamott/ (a perfect listen for any artist who feels too sensitive for this world)

[thepatristictradition]

Veiling is not about Modesty (and it can even be Immodest)

What is the purpose of Veiling? If you were to look at some other religions, the answer you would get is "modesty". To discuss veiling, we must first discuss Modesty and "modesty". The idea goes, the more of the body covered = the more modest it is. But Christianity (and especially Eastern Orthodox Christianity) is much different than any other religion in the world. Thus, our view on Modesty is much different.

Modesty, in our faith, is not about being covered in the Worldly sense; it is about blending in and going unnoticed. This is where the middlingly correct idea of the "heart posture" comes into play(1). It is hypothetically possible to clad oneself in an ankle-length floral dress and a lovely veil and still be immodest if one is doing it with the intention of attracting the attention of pious men. It is always immodest to dress in a way that provokes, intentionally or unintentionally, such as overly flashy clothing or jewelry, or dress that is very foreign to the culture where you are visiting or residing. Likewise, it is also possible to be modest in a garment that leaves the wearer nearly naked, as in a swimsuit at the beach, where that is the expected attire.

The actual purpose of the Veil, especially in a Prayerful or Liturgical setting, is an expression of a portion of our Theology of the Church, the Eucharist, and Jesus. The Church is a woman, a Wisdom to whom all Priests and Bishops are married. All Orthodox Christians are the bride of Christ, though the men and women among us express this truth in different ways. The Eucharist is, theologically, the fruit of the marital union between the celebrant and the Church. Our Christian theology, down to its very core, is marital. The veil is marital garb.

The primary pieces of scripture Christians cite in favor of Veiling are 1 Corinthian's 11:5, " But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven," (KJV), and 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you," (KJV). Taken together, many would say that women must, at least, cover their hair/heads in Church and during prayer in general. Many would further say that this implies women should veil all the time, or at least in public.

But why is that? Is a woman's hair immodest? Is it indecent to show one's hair or head in public? Fortunately, no. No part of the body in Christianity is considered intrinsically indecent or shameful. On the contrary-- every part of the body is valuable and good, and it is only the Fall that brings shame upon them. What is indecent and what is acceptable is determined by the society you find yourself in. If we find ourselves in a community that believes elbows are the height of inflammatory sexuality, I should hope we all cover them with only the thickest of wool shrouds.

In the Old Testament, a woman covering her hair is a symbol of marriage, first and foremost. This is not only true in the Hebraic culture of the OT, but also in most antique cultures across the Middle East and the Mediterranean both in the OT, and in the Gospels and the Epistles. Unlike what many young Orthodox women say, the veil is not a symbol of submission, either-- at least not any more than a wedding ring is today or the veil of Hebrew women was. The veil of a Christian woman is the expression of a theological truth-- wearable ecclesiology and Christology.

1) Much of the discussion of heart posture, especially in protestant circles, is simply an excuse to wear crop tops to Church in the name of personal piety. Another post on this shall follow. A good rule of thumb is that heart posture always condemns, never excuses.

[doll-elvis]

I tried asking something like this before, but I'm not sure if it didn't send correctly or you didn't want to answer (which is fine!!) But just giving it one more try, because I am curious about your opinion. This goes back to that prejudice conversation and how much the other guys are possibly projecting their own feelings there - I remember red also saying in that part of EWH that elvis thought catholics were dangerous/the demon referred to in the bible. Do you think that's true? I just always found that a bit strange when he had quite a few girlfriends with that background.

thank you for re-asking!! im also really sorry for not getting around to it the first time you asked, thank you for being patient <3

for a while I was getting loads of ask and I got a little bit overwhelmed as some of them were very heavy topics that I really needed to gather my thoughts/research on before answering them and as a result some other asks have been left unanswered… for a very long time 😭 but I promise I have the intention to answer every ask I get, im just a serial procrastinator 🤧

As for Elvis being prejudiced against Catholics I think this may have been another situation of Elvis holding these views inwardly or even sharing them with a few close friends but not exactly acting on them

What I’ve come to learn from reading many different perspectives of Elvis is that it’s likely he said different things, or acted differently, depending on the person he was talking too and likely the reason we get so many conflicting stories about him

For example I would say the Memphis Mafia group (Red, Sonny, Billy, Lamar, Marty, and Alan) grew up in the same or very similar environments to Elvis: southern, conservative, and mostly in baptist/pentecostal churches (with the exception of Lamar, Marty and Alan who were Jewish). Where on the flip side you have men like Jerry and Joe who were raised Catholic and from my understanding raised in more “liberal” upbringings. So it’s likely that Elvis talked/interacted with the MM slightly different than he would with Jerry and Joe, and even Larry Geller who was born in New York as opposed to the south

Maybe he expressed views like being against Catholicism to the MM because he knew they came from similar backgrounds as him, and wouldn’t be offended by it. This is likely why you haven’t seen Joe or Jerry talk about Elvis’ alleged anti-Catholicism because I don’t believe he would ever express those views to people who he knew were Catholic because he didn’t want to offend them or hurt their feelings, his heart was truly good in that way

(excerpt from “Elvis: What Happened?” where Red and Sonny claim Elvis thought Catholicism was “dangerous”)

I found this excerpt from “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia” below very interesting ⬇️

It seems to be another instance of Elvis acting differently with the some of the group than he did with the others because from what I remember about Jerry’s book, there was no talk over their political differences and definitely never a instance where Elvis called him a communist 💀

in fact Jerry said “Elvis didn’t often speak openly about race or politics”

So maybe this was a situation where when Jerry was expressing anti-war views or views that Elvis deemed too “liberal”, Elvis would then privately complain about them to some of the others because he knew they likely thought the same as him

It’s like how people say they have a different personality for different friends. You might talk to a work-friend different than you would to a school-friend, so maybe that is why we get so many conflicting stories about Elvis from the people who knew him: if that makes sense🤧

* also this is just my personal interpretation, definitely don’t take it as truth until you’ve researched for yourself, I’m honestly kind of spitballing here

What is also really interesting about this excerpt below ⬇️ is that according to Marty Lacker it was Larry Geller who put the idea that Catholicism was “dangerous” into Elvis’ head, likely when they met in the 60s. So I wonder if that actually coincides with when Elvis started telling Red and Sonny that Catholicism was “dangerous”

(excerpt is also from “Elvis and the Memphis Mafia”)

However if Marty, Lamar, Red and Sonny never spoke on any anti-Catholic views that Elvis potentially held, I would have never thought it myself because there is so much evidence that points to Elvis being open about Catholicism

Like you mentioned, he had several girlfriends who were of that faith

To name a few of the top of my head, Regis Wilson (his date for his senior prom), Priscilla Presley, Joyce Bova, and Sheila Ryan were all either practicing Catholics, or raised Catholic, and I’m sure there are even more

And speaking of Priscilla, it was Elvis who decided to enroll her in an all-girls Catholic school, despite her attending a regular highschool in Germany. So if Elvis was openly prejudiced towards Catholics, why would he date girls who were of that faith, let alone date a girl that went to a Catholic school (that he chose) ⬇️

(excerpt from “Elvis: What Happened?”)

He also befriended several Catholics like Joe Esposito and Jerry Schilling along with Mother Dolores Hart who he met on the set of Loving you. She was a very devout Catholic even as an actress, which I’m sure Elvis witnessed, and has now been a Catholic nun for several decades, and has only ever said good things about Elvis

And according to Jerry Schilling, Elvis also had no qualms about flirting with a bunch of Catholic girls in 1955 ⬇️

And according to a story told in Peter Guralnick’s “Careless love” Elvis was more than happy to make out with a Catholic girl, and really respected her decision to stay a virgin due to her Catholic faith ⬇️

Not to mention Elvis literally covered a Catholic song called “Miracle of the Rosary” !!!

and we also can’t forget that he starred in a film (Change of Habit) that was about three Catholic nuns ⬇️

so all in all, if Elvis did indeed hold anti-Catholic views like some of the Memphis Mafia members have alleged, it didn’t seem like he acted on them or ever purposely mistreated a Catholic person

Elvis truly had a good heart and I think his actions should be judged rather than his words, especially when it could be a case of them projecting their own prejudices, and not actually said by Elvis himself 🤧

[cookinguptales]

wwdits tarot: the lovers

I’m a hopeless romantic and you all already know that. I will not apologize for anything that is about to transpire.

Let's do VI. The Lovers.

Okay, real talk tho, The Lovers is not always about literal lovers. It’s about pairs and duality. This can mean relationships -- sometimes a romantic one, sometimes just a relationship with someone else who’s important to you. Family, friends, a business partner, etc. 

When it comes to the relationships reading of this card, the important part is a sense of harmony. These are two people who trust each other implicitly and communicate well. This card is usually either telling a person to depend on this relationship or work towards achieving it.

There is a secondary meaning to this card, too, though. The pair can also be a pair of choices. The card won’t tell you which to choose, but instead calls on a person to look inside for a better understanding of which path to take. 

In other words, at its heart The Lovers is a card about knowing yourself. It tells you to look inside and figure out who you are and what you want. It calls for perfect openness and honesty, even when it's difficult. This will help strengthen your relationships but also help you make difficult choices.

All that out of the way… I really went back and forth on this one.  I always knew that I wanted Laszlo and Nadja to be on this one; not only are they literal lovers (the lovers of all time, honestly) but they really do trust each other and communicate on a level that bewilders and charms us all.

But… after a lot of thought, I’ve decided to deviate from tradition a bit and put more than one pair on here. Some of this is my own sentimentality, I’ll admit, but I think I also want to go a little bit deeper with this card.

The Lovers, when reversed, is about disharmony, both in your relationships and within yourself. It means you don’t know who you are and it means that you’re not communicating with full honesty and understanding in your closest relationships. And when upright, the card is a tacit warning against this. It’s a card that tells us to value our relationships, but also to carefully evaluate them and whether we’re being fully open with our loved ones and cognizant of what we want.

So… I think what I want here is an example of the harmony that this card represents, but also an example of the potential that this card seeks to realize.

So I’ve decided to make this a card of harmony, but also disharmony. Emotional closeness, but also distance. Being true to yourself, but also lying to yourself to protect yourself from uncertainty.

Yeah, I want to put Nandor and Guillermo on here, too.

I’m sure I don’t have to go into a lot of detail about Laszlo and Nadja and why they belong on this card. They’ve been together for centuries, they've grown together, and they communicate very well. They are keenly aware of the other’s emotional state and every time they have to keep anything from each other, it seems to physically wound them.

What really gets me, though, is the way they’ve helped each other flourish. That detail in s4 about how, due to abuse and neglect, Laszlo had a very difficult time expressing his emotions until Nadja worked with him for hundreds of years. She saw that potential in him and she supported him until she was finally able to draw it out. And he supports (most of) her murders and harebrained schemes without question. He believes in that beautiful, fierce peasant girl that he met all those centuries ago, and he will fight anyone who tries to disparage her.

Through knowing each other, they've come to know themselves, which is really the key to The Lovers. Seeing themselves through their partner's eyes has allowed them to see truths about themselves they might not have otherwise seen, and has allowed for a kind of open confidence that both accomplish through the support of the other.

Love that for them. Love those two weirdos. ;o;

And when I look at Nandor and Guillermo now, I see the beginnings of something like that. Both of them are able to be themselves with each other in a way they can’t with anyone else, and they have a trust and dependence on one another that doesn’t always seem earned. But… they’re not all the way there yet. They aren’t fully open with each other. They don’t live in harmony together. Their communication is frankly abysmal. They aren’t quite in full card reversal but at times it feels close.

So to me, I feel like we have The Lovers card in both of these relationships, to some degree. We have the platonic ideal of the card, an almost perfect partnership where the two of them are deeply in harmony with one another… and we’ve got the kind of relationship that The Lovers feels like it’s there to treat. The kind that needs to listen to this card's advice to become its final form. The reversal that is slowly being turned upright.

There’s an inherent potential in The Lovers, and I feel like I wanted to capture that as well as the ideal definition of the card. Because just like a great relationship has helped Nadja and Laszlo understand themselves, I think Nandor and Guillermo also need to be honest with themselves so they can be honest with each other. I think that, like Nadja and Laszlo, the health of their relationship is inextricably tied to self-knowledge and the choices they make.

So… The Lovers is a card about relationships but also about knowing yourself and making choices. It’s about the end result (having a great relationship) but also the time spent getting there (learning to open up and be honest with yourself and your partner). It is a card that doesn't necessarily describe the now, but what can be.

And it's a card that sternly warns against letting lies and misunderstandings ruin your relationships.

Anyway... yeah. I want both of these relationships on the card to show the different stages of the same idea, so to speak, and for this more than any other card I have a very specific idea about imagery.

I’ll show you the RSW card first, but I’ll warn you that I’m about to make a departure.

The RSW version of this card depicts a vision of Eden. Adam and Eve and the archangel Raphael. (He is an angel of the air, and the symbol associated with this card is… well, obviously it’s Gemini. lmao) So you’ve got these two lovers, but also the tree of good/evil there to represent choice. It represents both meanings of the card.

For the vampires, though, there’s an image that immediately came to mind when I thought of The Lovers, and it’s this:

(censored for your comfort)

In WWDITS, Laszlo and Nadja are often paired together for interviews, as are Nandor and Guillermo. But while Nadja and Laszlo are often presented as a unified front (sitting close together on the couch, holding hands between chairs, standing huddled together as they plot), Nandor and Guillermo are often either posed on unfair standing or several feet apart. Maybe Nandor is sitting and Guillermo is standing to his side. Maybe Nandor is on one side of the room, in the foreground, and Guillermo is on the other, by the door. The two are sitting in separate chairs, not touching. A game of strategy lies between them. The two of them maintain a certain distance.

This framing is very consistent with both pairs.

What’s interesting to me, though, is what happens when both pairs are together in the same frame. What we sometimes get is a frame like this, where Laszlo and Nadja are together in the center of the couch, and Nandor and Guillermo are together behind the couch — but on opposite ends of it.

I’ve always thought that dichotomy was fascinating. Together and apart, but both still paired. Moreover, what gets me is that Nadja and Laszlo often have an absent-minded intimacy; they will hold hands without even looking at each other. On the other hand, Nandor and Guillermo will steal looks at each other across the room, but they do not touch. It’s an appeal for intimacy, but one that is rarely fully met.

So if I were to make a card featuring both pairs, both together and apart, I would have a scene where the four are being interviewed. Laszlo and Nadja together in the center of the couch, holding hands and turned slightly toward each other as they look at the camera. And behind them, Nandor and Guillermo behind the couch, standing several feet apart but also just barely turned toward each other. And unlike Laszlo and Nadja, who stare straight ahead, secure in their intimacy, Nandor and Guillermo are pretending that they aren’t both stealing glances at the other.

(No angels allowed! This is an antichrist-ian show, thank you.)

And who knows! Maybe one day the two of them will actually listen to the advice of The Lovers, talk to each other frankly, and end up framed more like this!

no one is allowed to make fun of me for my decisions for this card okay bye

wwdits tarot masterpost

[aeoki]

Fist of the Shangri-la Idol - Prologue

Location: Fist of the Shangri-la Idol Movie Set Characters: Touri, Subaru, Hokuto, Makoto, Mao, Yuzuru, Eichi & Wataru Season: Summer Writer: Akira

TL Note:

The word used here generally refers to marriage / being wedded.

In Japanese, there are numerous ways to refer to yourself using pronouns. Makoto usually uses the “softer / more polite” (boku / 僕) whereas his character in the movie uses a more “masculine / tough” pronoun (ore / 俺).

In the original script, Eichi tells Yuzuru to switch his personal pronoun and the way to end sentences to the Japanese Kagoshima dialect, which can sound like a completely different language from the standard Japanese dialect. The main takeaway here is that it’s quite jarring to the point the person can seem like another individual completely. 

For those who don’t know, this is Subaru’s nickname for Yuzuru.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ< Beginning of June, midday.

ㅤㅤMovie set for the thrilling and entertaining kung fu movie: “Fist of the Shangri-la Idol”. >

Makoto: “I didn’t want to exchange fists with you.”

“You might not believe me, but that’s how I really feel.”

Yuzuru: “Ahh, I see… Is that right?”

“Your reasoning is too shallow!”

Makoto: …!?

Yuzuru: “You’ve always been indecisive and never showed your true feelings! If you can’t find the right words to express the truth, then show it to me with your fists…!”

“Come on, don’t you want to kill me? Or would you rather whisper sweet nothings in my ear as you embrace me!?”

“Your ‘real feelings’ were never properly conveyed – not even a bit…!”

Makoto: ……!? ……!?

W–Wait! Hold a minute!

You’re scaring me, Fushimi-kun!

Also, your kicks and punches are way too fast for me to read! So I can’t tell when to react! Sorry!

Wataru: Alright, cut~♪

Touri: Oh, geez, how many times does that make? Get a grip and do it properly, you two!

I won’t get to appear until we finish this scene! And I’ve already got my makeup done and everything!

Hokuto: Himemiya, your outfit will get ruined if you move about like that. Don’t create more work for the stylist.

Eichi: Hmm. Things aren’t going quite as I would like them to. So this is what filming a movie is like.

Yuzuru: Hm. Was something odd? My usual martial arts are quite bland, so I decided to do some flashy moves instead.

Eichi: Right. Your moves were better but I think you could tone the murderous intent down a little.

Mao: Yeah, I’m just watching from the sides and even I got scared. Do you have a grudge against Makoto or something, Yuzuru?

Makoto’s the one who ends up[⁎] with the “heroine”, Touri, in the movie, so did you get jealous or something?

Yuzuru: Not at all. It would be impossible for a butler to have that sort of relationship with their master in the first place. I’m fully aware of where I stand.

Subaru: Ahahaha! Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha!

Yuzuru: …Did I say something funny, Akehoshi-sama? In fact, you were laughing even while the cameras were rolling, so it was rather distracting.

Makoto: Huh? Really? I didn’t notice at all – It’s amazing you can notice everything, Fushimi-kun.

Subaru: Aha…! Sorry! I’ll be careful next time!

But, you know, it’s just so funny every time Ukki~ says uses that “pronoun”[⁎]~! I can’t help but laugh!

Makoto: I–I’ve got no choice! That’s how the character speaks!

The screenwriter said that’s how the character is~ Doesn’t it make your heart skip a beat when “I’m” acting all tough?

Subaru: Ahahaha! Stop saying that! For real! Good for you, Ukki~ You found yourself a new trademark gag ♪

Hokuto: Yuuki isn’t using that word to make people laugh and you’re the only one who’s laughing, Akehoshi.

…Just how is it funny? Am I the weird one for not knowing why?

Eichi: If the character is very different from the actor’s real personality, then the more strange and unpredictable it can feel for the people around them.

You can say the same for the manzai comedy you all enjoy, right? That’s also something that uses logic to catch people’s thoughts off guard, no?

Anyone would stifle a laugh if it touches on a vulnerable area unintentionally.

Hokuto: Hmm. That’s quite enlightening – I’ll remember that the next time I have work that’s related to comedy.

Makoto: Huh? Was that you trying to be funny? Or are you serious? No fair, Hidaka-kun – The gods of comedy are always smiling down on you!

Hokuto: Well, it’s not my intention to have their blessing…

But now that I think about it, we’ve had a lot of comedy work recently.

Eichi: Where are you all headed towards?

Do you want to fight back and turn this movie into a comedy film? Or a crappy film about a story passed down the generations?

Yuzuru: Please mind your language. Have you grown quite sick and tired of it all, Eichi-sama?

Eichi: No, I’m always serious. You should learn from Makoto-kun too, Yuzuru. How about using the Japanese Kagoshima dialect[⁎] instead?

Yuzuru: …If that is an order, then I will humbly oblige.

Wataru: Hmm~ I have a feeling you would sincerely put on the act without an ounce of embarrassment, so…

I’m afraid it might turn out to be something similar to purposely slipping on a banana just for the laughs and giggles – Something quite painful to watch.

Subaru: Yeah, yeah. It was funny with Ukki~ but not so much with Fusshi[⁎]. I wonder why? That’s where I believe the essence of comedy lies, though. Right, Hokke~!?

Hokuto: Why are you asking me?

Touri: Oh, geez. Why is everything a mess now!?

This is the collab project of our dreams – one between “Trickstar”, the winner of “SS” and “fine, one of ES’ “Big 3”, right?

I thought the movie would be something incredible that would surprise the foolish commoners and knock their socks off~!

Makoto: Well, I don’t think it can be helped. Yumenosaki is all about performing so it’s no wonder we’re not used to acting and being in movies.

Eichi: Oh? Are you criticising Yumenosaki?

Mao: Heheh. You know the old and current student council president is in the room, right, Makoto?

Makoto: I–I don’t mean it like that! I don’t wanna stir the flames!

Eichi: Hehe. You probably don’t need to hear this from me, but we live in a world where even throwing a rock can land and hit someone in the industry…

You should be careful of what you say and do.

I’m sure there are people who make use of that environment and turn it into a “weapon”, but you’re not the kind of people to do that, right? Naturally, we “fine” aren’t as well.

But, well, things are looking grim…

The true “project of our dreams” would be one where we can all level-up during the planning stage.

But we’re simply left with the reality that that dream is just something transient – something we are powerless against.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤNext Chapter →

[lesbianboyfriend]

((i’m sending this to blogs i know are run by lesbians, feel free to delete/leave unanswered))

recently i’ve had a spiritual awakening.

despite my fluid sexuality,

my soulmate is going to be another woman.

i can only imagine waking up next to a woman for the rest of my life.

i have known this for years yet never said it out loud.

how do i get over the fear that i am “missing” something by not “trying out” men?

how do i live my life prioritizing women and the relationships we have?

please share any thoughts you may have. thank you and blessings. ✌🏼🌿

hi anon!!

okay so firstly i would like to very gently suggest that if you can only ever imagine being in a lasting relationship with a woman, your sexuality might not be as fluid as you think. you might be a lesbian.

and i knowww it can be super scary to admit that. even to yourself. it took me a while to accept it for myself BUT the thing is that accepting i’m a lesbian has made me so much happier in my skin and self….and i say this even as someone who is not “out.” just allowing yourself to live that truth even if it’s just a personal truth is so freeing and wonderful. being a lesbian is actually so fucking awesome

obviously you know yourself your feelings your sexuality best so if lesbian doesn’t fit for you that’s cool. but i think the best way to come to terms with and learn to love your identity is simply engaging with lesbianism. which doesn’t have to be dating—talk to other lesbians, read lesbian novels, watch lesbian movies, find lesbian art….allow yourself to imagine a future where you are with another woman. allow yourself to imagine a future where you are with another woman and happy.

now how to get over feeling like you’re missing something from not having relationships with men. for me this one is really easy bc i’ve never met a man who isn’t the worst fucking person on the planet. i think about every woman i know in a relationship and how she’s settled for someone who doesn’t treat her as good as she deserves, who doesn’t help around the house, who doesn’t know how to express their emotions etc…..and obviously this is a huge issue and i hope all straight and bi women with boyfriends/husbands are happy and treated well. but i also know realistically that’s not the truth and most men fucking suck. so i mostly just think about that. and if you’re not attracted to men, especially with the prevalence of misogyny, there’s really. nothing attractive about having a relationship with a man other than social capital. (NOT saying that lesbians/lesbian relationships can’t also be bad/abusive/etc.)

now i can’t really give advice on being in a romantic/sexual relationship BUT i can give advice on prioritizing women in your life in general. number one, seriously confront the misogyny you’ve ignored from your male friends and acquaintances. chances are, if you’re like me, you’ve let stuff slide because you know they “don’t really believe that” and they’re “just joking.” well that’s not true. they MIGHT think they’re just joking but realizing that misogyny in the first place is even funny to them and actually grappling with that…changes how you see them! and you can do with that information what you will. but most importantly view it as a catalyst to simply prioritize the women around you. talk to them, hang out with them, compliment them, tell them when their boyfriend is being shitty and they deserve better (but be sensitive to the situation and don’t push. let them know you support them but don’t give them cause to pull away esp. if you’re concerned about abuse but that’s an entire other convo). flirt with women, uplift them, etc….if you find yourself focusing on mostly the men in a situation or even like when watching a tv show, ask yourself why? actively look for the women in a situation and ask yourself how they are being treated, who is being prioritized, and make it your goal to treat them right and prioritize them.

and at the end of the day, remember these phrases: “he’s just a man” and “i hope jakey dies”

i hope this was in any way helpful and good luck on your journey…..loving women + being a lesbian is literally the best <3

[panicroomsammy]

if you're still doing the ask game! 9, 18, 21 and 24

9. tell a story about your childhood

Okay so I live in the rural area surrounding a town with a population of <2000 and there’s state forest on all sides of my neighborhood except for the side where the river flows past, which means I grew up playing in the woods. When I was 11 I was spending a lot of time mountain biking around the woods with my dad out past the abandoned barn. One day we happened upon a horse skeleton… well, half of a horse skeleton. We went looking for the other half and found it over a mile away. A few days later we returned with bags and brought home the first half of the skeleton that we’d found because what 11 year old doesn’t need to own half a horse skeleton.

18. do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

I do not believe in ghosts in a literal sense, but I think it is very useful to analyze legends and stories of them and that there is always an element of truth to those stories. For example, the abandoned building doesn’t have the literal disembodied soul of someone who died there, but if there is a history of slavery or rape or abuse of some kind tied to the house then those true traumas and fears are being expressed through the stories.

I think aliens are highly probable and that the absence of aliens is highly improbable.

21. are you a spiritual person?

Oh my. What a question. Yes I am. I have existential OCD which makes me incapable of belief, full stop, but I feel that if there is anything meaningful in the universe it is stories. I have a bit of a complex about God (what tumblrina doesn’t) as is probably exemplified by my blog header. My blog header is a reference to the Hannibal novels. If you’re a writer, have you ever felt that you were just watching the events of your story play out and not actually making anything up? The author of the Hannibal novels, Thomas Harris, talks about this a lot. He also says that while he is watching the story play out Hannibal is looking back at him. The character Hannibal in the novels is looking through the fourth wall. He is looking back at God, but his god isn’t actually controlling anything. I like the idea that God is just an author writing things down without any control over them, and that would make me God too since when I write I too feel like I’m just writing down something I’m observing rather than making it up. This would mean that my stories are real and my life is a story. I find this very comforting, because stories are meaningful so if my life is a story then my life is meaningful. If you think about it, the Bible is just another story as are all religious texts. I don’t *believe* in any of those but I do believe that they are meaningful by virtue of being stories. Anyway you can see why Supernatural is rewiring my entire brain.

24. what’s one thing you are proud of yourself for?

I started a podcast a few months ago to educate on the censorship of colonial history and I am incredibly proud of this. I won’t link it here because I am open about my plurality here and don’t want any connections between that and my irl “singletsona” but every day I wish I could tell all of you because I know my podcast is something my circles on tumblr would love.

[somuchyoudontknow]

I will confess, I don’t believe Chris and Alba are real, but the truth is, some blogs on here keep saying that she has been fired from Mother Mary, based on one deleted article and how “people on set have confirmed it to them”.

Now, I can deal with that claim because hey, she is a fucken racist douchebag and no racist deserves steady work.

But what bugs me is how we’ve been reassured previously that the whole industry knows this is just another CAA PR game.

We’ve been told that HW bigwigs know the truth about Alba’s racism and that she has been blacklisted, and everyone knows Chris is stuck in an arrangement he can’t get out of.

We’ve been told his industry colleagues are trying to help because they know he’s stuck and they know his true character.

Suddenly, the story being sold now is that Chris looks bad because of his association with her.

And of course, when asked for answers or clarification on why the story has changed or why Chris would look bad if Alba has supposedly been blacklisted in Hollywood for her own behaviour or if everyone knows its bad CAA PR, no one has a proper answer except “it just is” or that their “sources” said it.

The goalposts keep being moved on either side of this mess, and the stories get wilder and wilder as the months go.

Chris flops between being an awkward sot who is being taken advantage of by everyone alive, to a fool who didn’t read a contract before signing, to being a settler in a toxic relationship who spends his days getting drunk and playing video games — the stories are endless.

I also notice a lot of blogs are quite adamant in portraying him as someone who drinks heavily and who is always drunk.

And it’s becoming very obvious that some blogs, both on Team Real or Team PR, are just here to troll.

So I guess all I’m really saying is that, whether this is real or PR, take everything that is read or shared online with a grain of salt until proven otherwise.

I have no doubt he made a mistake getting into this toxic PR arrangement. I also have no doubts that it has done a number on his mental health, or that he wants out. I also have no doubt that CAA is a snake’s den.

But at the end of the day, what really bugs me the most is that the fandom is getting so toxic, and the only people being laughed at are us.

Maybe instead of constantly asking when his supposed, mythical FS is showing up, let’s ask ourselves why we’re so quick to believe every story and claim that pops up about a basic white boy from Boston and a below average white girl from Portugal.

Then ask yourself why the actions of two people who have zero impact on your lives matter so much to you.

Then, I would suggest you go outside, get some fresh air and focus on building your own life.

It’s okay to want to know stuff about your favourite actor. It’s not okay to perpetuate lies and BS about them, or obsess about them to this level.

Okay peace out, thank you for letting me express my disgruntled feelings, Sophia!

🦉

You are always welcome to come and vent on my blog :)

Everyone is!