#felt broken and weird about it
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How life has felt after I got over my deeply internalized aphobia and allowed myself to finally be myself
#asexual#aromantic#aroace#aroacespec#demisexual#demiromantic#aphobia#aphobia is not cool chat#I had it bad in middle school like#I didnât care if other ppl were aroace but I felt like I couldnât be it#felt broken and weird about it#but not anymore rahhhh#đđđ#Iâm still working through some things but now Iâm cool with myself#hooray!
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Maybe Iâll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on thatâŠ#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#itâs complicated itâs not completely Holtâs fault#like she canât control what happened she canât bring back her bioresonance sheâs a medical eule not a miracle worker#sheâll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holtâs part bc sheâs really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc theyâre both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (sheâs a nerdddd <3)#however itâs weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when theyâre together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesnât have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
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Hey if youâre still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me đ please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (âShe was writing kids books!â They said. âShe didnât know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didnât examine it closely. Itâs a mistake anyone could make,â we said. âShe would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,â we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of âmaybe she doesnât realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERFâ and then âhow could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things sheâs retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her workâ and finally âoh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.â
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasnât trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. Itâs weird to discover that thereâs a room in your house thatâs rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you canât live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending itâs still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadnât yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because whatâs going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic childrenâs books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I donât want to see or think about this shit either and Iâm sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. letâs wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#Iâve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I donât want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and youâre still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. weâre done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that itâs not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic childrenâs books.
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#tw vent#ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going#i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere#i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary#school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this#i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better#and here i am six years later and just as miserable#except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out#and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like#at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life#i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them#i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird#i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule#i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen#i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone#it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger#i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself#because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me#i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it#how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts#but i guess i'll persevere#my cat needs me to#tw suicidal ideation#tw self harm
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#stupid and kinda selfish parasocial thought but like...#i cant help but think what if this just cements them all distancing themselves from each other#because i cant imagine how fucking difficult it would to even Consider being close/talking after one of them is gone?#and so. its just easier. to go their own way. instead of dealing with the pain that something is missing.#so no more happy 1d anniversary. no more oh yeah i talked to him recently.#idk like im definitely thinking about this way too much but.#i guess it just sort of felt like there was perhaps hope before?#we had time. for stuff to Maybe fix itself.#but now it's forever broken.#its weird because i think i Thought id already come to terms with that because of everything thats happened. i never expected anything#you can only talk about the 'break' for so long before it became a joke#but this is like. real.#idk what im saying. i really need to go to bed im so tired#liam payne#death#le text post
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i do wish that people hadnt been so rabidly critical and vicious towards steven universe back in the day, because now it feels like u cant discuss any parts of the show u didnt like without getting lumped in with those guys lol
#like idk man i liked the show a bunch#but i did also fall off becayse like. yeah i can see the tragjectory of the show now!#i can see that it was always gona be about this broken family of the diamonda and all that#but like. idk man. i tend to prefer when we focus on the little guys#and yeah we did do some of that. but that (planned) swerve near the end there really lost my interest#like i know rose being pink does make her infiitely more complex and its a fine choice to make but it still didnt do anythng for me#i still would have mich preferred to focus on the corrupted gems#on the people with no power in this struggle#its lik how i understand that the diamonds are basically a metaphor for someones like. bigoted aunt or something#but that still doent mean that i like that the people who razed dozens of planets to the ground were given time and priority#over the footsoldiers man!!!#like yes yes i get it its a metaphor its a escalation what else where they gonan do but like idk man i can still not like that turn!!#i can still wish they just....idk overthrew them or bubbled them or something. idk pull an anndrias from aphibia. community service lol#i can still wish that steven had healed the corrupted gems like it felt like it was foreshadowed#(since. yknw. rose can heal physical things- and stevne can a bit too but he can astral project into -peoples minds.)#and the corruption was an inury of the mind first and formost.#like. why would u set that up and not do that jgsnsgknkjdnjkgds#i can stil lthink the proportion inconsistenies were weird and too me out of the moment#eh idk its frustrating#like it feels like u say somehng like this and u have one guy going 'ikr the ahow SUCKED steven shoulda KLLED THEM'#and another going 'omg its a KIDS SHOW SHUT UP FORVER NO CRITICSM'#abd im sitting here in the middle like i tihnk theres some nuance here lads. i think we can habe a middle ground#luke rambles
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2024 reads / storygraph
Sea Of Broken Glass
fantasy
two sisters who live on a floating village in a shallow ocean are exiled when one develops magic and canât hide it like her sister does
they travel to the land, trying to survive searching for their mother who was exiled 20 years ago, through the wilderness and magical caves
crystal/mineral magic, magical creatures, sister relationships
#sea of broken glass#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#damn this is like. weird and whimsical fantasy world. unique magic system? weird religion? creatures? CAVES?#aroace & sapphic-aspec MCs with basically no romance? MADE FOR ME! unfortunately itâs bad#like just the writing quality is not at all there. like it took me 1/3 to even sort of realise that in theory this is exactly#my kind of thing bc the not good writing was too distracting#the beginning is EXTREMELY fast paced; thereâs no breathing room and everything happens too fast to get a sense of anything#The voice of both POVs is the same. Their relationship is so back and forth and all over the place it got a bit annoying#+ they both feel like 16yos not 20-somethings.#worldbuilding details were distracting me - some were answered eventually but not before I was getting distracted with questions.#eg I need to know about the ocean ecosystem. if itâs knee deep where do fish live. where are ocean plants. are there deeper parts of the oc#they hear a wolf howling. how do you know what a wolf sounds like youâve never heard one.#why does everyone hate magic? Obviously bigotry doesnât have a reason but like. just felt like it was there to make the plot happen?#if she has magic crystal powers that she can make anything with why did she not make them a boat?????? or shoes???#they walk across the sea for days??#and like I am happy with weird and slightly nonsensical worldbuilding details if the writing style and tone is very whimsical yknow?#but this is not that.#And like there ARE lots of cool elements! salt based magic? the giant cave frogs??#but unfortunately the writing style and execution is just not there.#I had to drag myself through most of it just because I wanted to form an opinion on the whole thing#Also it really awkwardly mentions their sexualities immediately. I donât mind a slightly awkward delivery of that tbh#but do you need to do so in the first few pages of their pov?
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maybe the reason im so upset about it isnt cuz she broke up wme but because all that waiting over the summer just feels so worthelss now. like i know we couldnt talk as much or be around each other as much but i was waitingall summer like when we get back all we'll do is be together!!!! all of the 'new relationship syndrome especially now that its long distance' stuff will be fixed when we get back!! but were over and theres no chanec of fixing it because were over and its just like what if we waited what if we just figured it out for another few weeksand see where it went form there
#its not just that its also cuz she knew she wouldnt have a lot oftiem in the semester & also shes entitled to her experiences but its like#all summer we talked aboutall the things wed do together whenwe got back to campus so its like#all of that imagining is going to waste you know. and it makes me really really sad#cuz we had so many plans only for all of them to go in the air a week before school starts#and i guess i feel let down about all of it (which isnt her fault) because why did we say all that only for us to break up :(#and she told me breaking up was something sehd only recently started thinking about so its like#the emotional part of me is wondering why cant we just wait it out for a few weeks and find out of this is really worth saving you know#cuz it just feels so sudden like we werent meant to end just yet#it doesnt feel right. like we literally only just started you know#and she said she didnt feel like dragging me along whiel she figured shit out#which is kind btu i guess to me its like i would prefer being dragged along because at least then ill start to feel the pain of it too#cuz where we are right now i didnt even feel any sort of weirdness i thought everything was going so well#like id rather break up when i do feel something bad#not BEFORE i feel something bad you know???#but also its more than just about that. like she told me that she felt werid and i dont think she would have broken up with me for no reaso#like im sure she did it becuase she felt right about it and im not mad at her about it#im just really really sad cuz i really thought we were doing so good. like just last week she was saying how much she missedme#sorry ugh i know im ranting so much about it but i dont feel like bringing this up with my friends yet cuz its just so embarrinsg being lik#hey so you know how totally obsessed we were with each other. well we broke up not even 5 months later haha so embarrsing#like it all just feels like... what did we do all that for!!! what did we spend all summer telling each other we loved each other for!#but again just cuz i didnt feel like it was the end doesnt mean she didn't. she did say she felt werid but ughhhh i dont fucking know#im just really surprised and sad about it
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no i didnt commit weird things 2 memory n keep thinking about and sexualising them
#im broken im broken im broken im broken#i keep thinking about it in a way i shouldnt n times i shouldnt why why why why why why why wyy#i did like staring at me n how i felt like prey n his hand on my leg n on my hip n 2 that r weird on my end lol#batbaby rambles
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using tumblr on desktop for the first time in a month what have they done to my baby :(
#i don't really like using tumblr on mobile#my phone was broken for ages so i just couldn't#and so i got out of the habit and it's felt weird ever since#so like yes i was quite busy over the past month but also my sporadic tumblr usage was partly cos of that as well#(didn't have access to desktop)#and now. like i suppose i will get used to the new layout but it is a bit disappointing when the old one worked well for me đ#oh. that being said. i'm sure i saw talk of extensions flouting about that would let you still use the old version#WE'LL SEE#marchibald's
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Why does all of Diavolo's fully-revealed screentime have to be at the absolute worst point of Vento Aureo
#shoe jojo criticism#short posts#just skimming through the end of the manga makes me scowl fdjkslfjdks. i'm petty about it#even though it's the only time i get to see diavolo in full... why would they do this to me#everything up to the silver chariot requiem arc to the end is... so bad. i'm sorry#it upsets me. narrative unfulfillment... straight up weird and anticlimactic final fight in a part full of great fights... wasted potential#also tbh. the ending is where i have to face the fact that VA's story as a whole is broken and a shitty ending was inevitable#the part makes me so upset for that reason#i will never forget the sharp tinge of discomfort i felt when i first watched the ending. like that wasn't satisfying at all what#that's probably part of the reason i got so attached to diavolo in the first place lol#okay i'm being dramatic about jjba i'll stop now
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the costume changes and design on this tour are definitely a highlight that i wouldnt trade for anything but i also kind of miss a bit the set design they had going before like for the platforms they had back at aptnd and the plague doctors ...
#oh but you know what improved tho. the light rig fuck yeah dance macabre lights go OFF now#im blaming this on covid bcs it definitely strained their budget and they are probably just saving money this time around#especially for that sweet sweet dvd. it better be fire tobias . but you know im buyin either way#but i also miss like . the mise en scene and uhhh the immersiveness suppose? the props? it felt really complete from what ive seen#they had sisters of sin before i think and then the doctors#<- guy who is mad that they didnt get into it back in 2019 despite vaguely hearing about the band#text#not saying i want these specific ones back i just like the thought of decorating the stage that way. its dope#coulda just put like broken weird pipes round the stage like on the ghouls masks or something go full dieselpunk bro
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that new episode of big city greens where they do christmas eve traditions in vr is pissing me off because everyone gets so mad at cricket for no reason
like he wants to hang out with his friend and even compromises his wants and his dad's wants but then an UNPRECEDENTED snowstorm happens causing cricket to get stuck at remy's house. and his dad is mad at him for it?????????? then cricket tries to make sure no one is upset by doing the traditions in vr and does his absolute best to ensure nothing interrupts the good time his family is having. monsters come to attack anyway but he literally only had remy do the fighting and there were like 7 people in one area so whatever. and everyone is so pissed off??????? like he did everything he could to make sure the christmas eve traditions weren't ruined by him not being there and the show acts like cricket was wrong for wanting to spend time with someone important in his life that wasn't his family. that boy has done a lot wrong but not in this episode and im annoyed that it acts like he did
#big city greens#*emotional music swells as bill green - a grown ass man - yells and complains about how christmas eve isn't perfect*#literally the MUSIC was so weird too it was all âooH! cricket has hurt his family!!â#like the boy literally hasn't broken the law#this is tame#and then!#and then!!#HE APOLOGIZES?????#my mom has this thing for me whenever i want to say sorry tto think âwhat the fuck did i just do?â#and if the answer is ânothingâ i don't say anything#CRICKET YOU DIDNT DO ANYTTHING#im not actually that pissed off i just felt like ranting#but i am passionate about this i guess
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đ
#I think Iâm like almost mourning for the six year ago version of me that had no where to go and felt so hopeless#which seems kind of silly because Iâm about to have a place I belong for the first time and no one can kick me out of as long as I pay my#mortgage and everything so I should just be excited and I am excited but itâs also like it feels like if you broke a bone and it didnât#quite heal and every so often it hurts like it was just broken if that makes sense?#like Iâm happy about my home and Iâm looking forward to it but hurts a little bit too and I donât know if I can fully explain why#other than that I guess it reminds me of being homeless even if itâs joyful that Iâve bought a home now#iâm just talking to myself#itâs weird#how is there such a population of people that have been homeless in the world but so little talk about it and how it stays with you
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i wanna send the great war to my fp so bad
#taylor.txt#like... we did survive the great war. we survived eleven months of what genuinely felt like war (on my end at least)#and it WAS my fault!! it WAS me punishing him for shit he never did!! it WAS me lashing out because i was scared to get hurt!!#it was entirely me feeling betrayed and punishing him for it and acting irrationally. and i hurt him. and i regret it every day even now.#but... we survived. somehow. his hand WAS the one i reached for all throughout the great war. i just... was too scared to reach out.#i had to work on myself. reprogram how my brain thinks about betrayal and fighting. learn to step down and surrender.#i couldn't ask for forgiveness if i was just going to turn around and do the exact same thing to him again.#there WAS no morning glory. it WAS war. it WASN'T fair.#and... i'll do everything i possibly can to make sure we never go back to that.#'soldier down on that icy ground. looked up at me with honour and truth. broken and blue. so i called off the troops.' breaks me every time#like... he did. but i didn't stop back then. and i SHOULD'VE. i regret it every day. why is it so hard for me to just back down.#'that was the night i nearly lost you. i really thought i lost you.' ALSO breaks me.#i DID lose him. nearly forever. and i'm so grateful every single day that he was kind enough to give me a second chance and let me reach out#the day we started talking again and he let me apologise i think i was just shaking and crying the entire time. just. after everything.#god. the great war just perfectly describes how i felt that night and all those months#but how do i send it to him without it being just so fucking weird OR without making it seem like im trying to guilttrip him
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That âis this UK uni accommodation or a Swedish prisonâ game is so funny but also so depressing
#literally itâs bringing back flashbacks of my final year of undergrad when i realised i was going to have to live on campus#or close to campus because iâd forgotten how to drive because iâd been in america for a year sans car#but then i missed the deadlines for good acommodation (because america) so i went for the cheapest option that was still available to me#which was a room in a building that ended up being CONDEMNED at the end of that academic year#guys it was so bad. there was racist graffiti all over the walls because no one had any respect for the place#broken glass in the courtyard. no lounge; you had to sit on the metal stairs to hang out#the stairwells just had brick walls. the kitchens were built to be shared by 6 persons maximum but forced to house 9 so they were so cramped#it was unbelieveable. i started eating at weird times so i wouldnât have to awkwardly stare at someone while waiting for a counter/stovetop#to be free. on top of this there were wasp and silverfish infestations; my window was so drafty that hailstones came in once#the mattresses were full of fiberglass and felt like they were made up entirely of springs; and there were ground-in vomit and piss stains#on my chair and floor#and i paid ~ÂŁ90.50 per week~ for this#the only thing that kept me sane was the free bus pass. i never missed a class and i went to campus every single day#and attended tons of random events and guest lectures just to not be in my room. iâd be the only person in the library at 8am on a sunday#my flatmates were a bunch of insane first years who drank and screamed at all hours so that didnât help either. i didnât make any friends#it was just so bad. there were never any community events taking place either and i saw the RAs exactly once. they were completely useless#reception nearly lost the kindle i ordered. i thought about doing laundry once and saw that the laundry room was absolute unmitigated chaos#so i was like âfuck it iâll just wait until iâm home next weekendâ and i went into town to buy clothes to tide me over#it was just such a horrible experience. and i hate that itâs a universal one#uk universities are really like âgive us ÂŁ9k in tuition fees and also pay an arm and a leg for your accommodation.#no we will not be improving our accommodationâ it makes me fucking crazy. like where is my money GOING#you find out they spent millions refurbishing a building that didnât need to be refurbished and youâre like. you couldâve replaced#the carpet in my room for maybe a couple of hundred quid considering how small the room is#pisses me off. my advice to undergrads is visit potential halls of residence and read reviews of them#and donât just let them dazzle you with the tour where they only show you the good rooms - poke around. see if thereâs damp or wasps#look for stains. etc. or better yet; find a half decent landlord and rent a room in a house#i had a way better time during my masterâs and it was because i talked to landlords and visited their houses and brought my nosy mum#and i picked a landlord who only housed postgrads; mature students & professionals. you couldnât pay me to live in halls again#personal#rant
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