#im like All or Nothing . oh my god lol
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Grinds my teeth to dust…. i wish touch didnt have so many Implications. im just trying to survive out here
#after all this i need a cuddle and a movie But who do i ask withoit them thinking im coming on to them#i need to paint a giant doomsday-guy-on-the-street-corner style sign to wear around my neck that says I AM AROMANTIC ASEXUAL#born to hug and kiss all my friends forced to stand around hands in my pockets#im scared to death of people misinterpreting my behavior or feeling uncomfortable#od be so much more relaxed like at a core of my being level if this was a nonissue#dude im desperate i might just ask the guy i almost fell asleep on tje otjet night#the ice is broken and he already knows my deal#(fantasizing about snuggling with people i like) im so fucked up ….#it’s also made way worse by tje fact that I apparently come off as very flirtatious#im playful and i love people Sorry …..#im like All or Nothing . oh my god lol#i had a friend who called me her ‘koala’ because i was constantly clinging to her#we were 7 so it was socially acceptable#99% of the time we were together i was wrapped around her legs or torso. i miss you so much sybil#the start of the end was when i innocently restrd my chin on my friend’s shoulder to watch what he was doing#and the next day someone asked me why i did that#i was like huh…? he’s my friend?#why wouldn’t i?#then i felt all weird about it And ive felt weird about it sincd#unrelated but my best friend is autistic she has misophonia and hates touch But im the misopjonia exception(real thing) AND#i’m one of the only people she hugs. straight up my biggest flex ever
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[covered in blood] had to dm someone from my uni a question
#FDGHJD i know it isnt like a big deal at all but my social anxiety makes it feel like its the end of the world LOL#like if someone asked me smth id think nothing of it really but when its my turn im like oh god im the scum of the earth FDGDG#sunnysiderambles
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why are you starving your farmer's son to death. feed him
#grits teeth. none of you know him like i do#a dude who grew up with food and hard labor is going to be big. come on#im really truly not being specific bc this 'vision' of him just seems to persist endlessly.#its still actually just homophobia and fatphobia imo grow up make him big#he hates clothes and loves sunbathing and food(TREATS!) and does excersize 24/7. did we watch the same show#like that's not. donut. who is that. that's some guy you invited#everyone knows that a group of guys whos story revolves around being 'wrong' and unwanted#would primarily be made of a cishet skinny white male cast#obviously of course#the sunlamp joke made me remember something#i WISH i could go play lamia donut right now i need to do something and instead im throwing up (not related to this)#(but it is very funny to pretend soft uwu gay white blond skinny donut is the source of my woe)#im going to be tormented forever. nobody even cares about my phd#IVE BEEN HERE FOR 8 MISERABLE YEARS!!!!! !#oh god ive actually for real been obsessed with donut for 8 years#listen im talking right now inthe middle of possibley having food poisoned myself but listen listen listen#literally not my first time going on about it#he likes treats. he works out. you cannot deny he is big#i can't control you not putting some melanin on him bc i have nothing for that aside from his tanning#i PERSONALLY do not think he's white on top of that#but he is in no universe skinny#do i think he is as fat as as grif? probably not#he's definitely got enough muscle to carry some crazy shit compared to a city boy though#think actual animals (50lbs+) and bags of concrete (which can be 80+lbs a pop) and all the fucking.#donut cares SO MUCH about doing the things hes told to do. he can get it “Wrong” but how the fuck did he memorize sarge's plans otherwise#small donuts are not donuts those are holes#that is a sex object#kind of literally. lol.#i personally really dont like turning donut into a sex object from the fandom-eye view bc of how hard hes implied to be a SA victim
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I know it’s already getting unbearably hot but who wants to come try and nap with both me and my heating pad anyway
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#it’s like a knight’s trial#having the actual worst period cramps of my life rn#and i’m Suffering with this heating pad#i hate being hot but jesus christ ow i need this to try to make my organs CHILL#and the worst thing??#absolutely NO ONE is here to cuddle with me#offensive#THIS. THIS is one of those situations where i KNOW the nap would be better with someone else😤#even if it’s just because then i wouldn’t be lonely lol#pls come nap with me and overheat and also listen to all my complaints - again OW - and love me anyway#my craziest fantasy🥵🥵#oh and also NO judging all my crying my period loves making me cry smh#im literally crying over nothing right now🙄 like it’s just a Thing™️ okay#im a CATCH#wait god the heating pad turned off for a sec#saw my life flash before my eyes when it started cooling down😓#crying even more now🙄🙄🫠#it’s going swimmingly very good like i said im a CATCH#🙃🙃🙃#sorry for all the tags idk what im even saying anymore smh#im gay and i like sleeping
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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didn't realize how bad my environment affected my mental state until i left it . ... november has been suspiciously nice to me and I've been having less thoughts abt how little I matter and wow. I've been like having more collective good days than I've had like all year.
#january me wouldve been sobbing their eyes out like oh my god whst do u mean u left and nothing happened#what do you mean#but . i feel my needs r taken csre of here#crazy right i barely know anybody and yet ive felt more loved than i have all year its making me emotional#and damnit i am not goinf to cry over mh lunch at work. no sir#people think about me. like actually. i am a presence people notice and oh wow.#even when i was jhst a fucking emoji i was . Thought of. isnf that insane?#people ca n just pop into my inbox and go hi buddy whats up. ahhhh?#maybe i will cry lol#im not sure tjis is a negative vent but it is certainly charged wkth something so#tw vent#micetalk#gahhh i dont offer anything and people continue to be around me anyways i dont have to be basically a pet to be loved#so weid#so weird so so so weird#very good for hslping ease my borderline things of just makinf myself miserable if it meant i was easy enough.#gahhhhh...#i thought this wouldve been the most soul crushing potentially years kf mh life and yet.#all that suffering. all the worst is behind me.#word#Word!!!!
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anyways. how we doing gang < talking to no one
#i. want to explode violently#god i told myself this semester id do better but it already feels like im falling behind#fuck me dude#also lowkey forgot how nice wearing my binder feels#like it's like a real tight hug#and i get boobless !!!!#can't wait to#Hurt#in the morning#ill b fine tho i dont have gym anymore itll be all good#< also means i can start dressing cool again#< he didn't wanna get dressed for gym so he just wore like sweatpants or leggings every day#< like a loser#lol#wait what was this post about#oh yeah#fuck algebra btw#damnit dude maths supposed to be ur thang#if you can't even do that you might as well just kys#cmon#oh related kinda ive decided im going into nuclear physisc probably#whicch my mom seems a good bit happier about than me going into education lmao#sighs wistfully#but yeah i mean its interesting enough#plus something something my potential something something the only thing im good at is math#and even that. im getting worse and worse at caring about#cmon alex schools supposed to be your one strength if you stop turningshit in you really have nothing#lmao anyways enough of the emo asss talking to myself#bye
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thinking about this discussion I had before FVR even came out, thinking about blends, thinking about "give me dong or give me death", about how it's both. thinking about both mac and dennis getting exactly what they want (mac's fantasy in saves the day, for mac to go away from dennis) but with a TWIST (for mac to realize there's nothing on the other side, for dennis to realize he needs mac). thinking about the pulse checking, thinking about the flatline.
thinking about my meta that I wrote before s15 even came out, about how we've been witnessing an impossible choice that's splitting dennis in two, thinking about "<3 or die" being the name of the salon in chop (and off with the head / just start over meta...), thinking about new beginnings, and meet cutes. thinking about rebirth, and baptisms.
#iasip#s16 spoilers#it's always sunny in philadelphia#always sunny#macdennis#analysis#meta#do you all see where I'm heading?#thinking about dennis crying because mac FUCKING DIED. only for mac to come back and see him like that and. offering him a tissue!#the jesus christ parallel would be insane. literally dying for their sins? and resurrecting? bro im just SAYING. this is all SPECULATION#but to me it fits so well lol.#plus mac stopping believing in god because he died and there was nothing? bro thats like. very ripe ground. but also#picture this. DENNIS now believing. because he just witnessed a fucking miracle. maybe he even prayed. who knows#it would balance them..... it would certainly do something...#''we're merging the ideas'' oh you mean love and death? that what we are merging? beautiful. called that in s14#sorry angrymac for leaking our dms 😭 in my defense this is just stuff *i* said so ur good dw
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i love apollo 18 but i have a few problems with it and one of the biggest ones is that i can never just listen to the fucking album because its impossible for me to hear this song without repeating it at least like 4 or 5 times
#I think in some ways this is literally like the best song he's ever written <- not a hot take at all i know but man#it really is like it kind of perfectly encapsulates everything i love about his songwriting at least lyrically#okay musically its amazing too i like the way it goes to the bVI in the verse he does this thing a lot in his chord progressions where the#verse chords are usually straight forward some variation in like I IV V I maybe with a ii an vi nothing too crazy and then he puts in#something like that or like often it's a II that is at this pivotal moment and its like idk like . he usually shows restraint like that in#the verse and chorus and then does something really complex/interesting in the bridge#not always but theres a lot of songs like that in this case oh my god i love that bridge#hes got the ascending line cliche thing and it keeps climbing and climbing towards the climax of the last verse and its sooooo GOOOOOOOOD#and its got suchhhh a classic linnellian melody insanely catchy like this is just such a perfect fucking song#i just feel like this is like. the archetypical john linnell song. platonic ideal of a john linnell penned pop song perfect example#lyrically obviously too its just soooo him nobody else could have written it. okay he got the title from flans though credit where its due#but yeah. perfect pop song lyrically complex and clever funny and recursive and circular and dark and morbid and just like. its so. perfect#ALSO THE ARRANGEMENT....................... i love the organ on it so much i love the guitars i love the way its mixed#yeah anyway if i wrote a song like this. id retire afterwards . he says hes still chasing trying to write the perfect pop song but i think#this would be my contender for like. number 1#anyway i love this song but EVERYONE loves this fucking song so i forget how much i love this song sometimes. but i love it#this also was my favorite they might be giants song as a kid mostly because i really liked hearing him swear . lol#but because of that like birdhouse im like ive probably heard this song more than most any other song in my life so thats a factor
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I should just clean my room and take bath or something
#that would help me feel better im sure i think#and maybe eat but i dont want to eat rn#snack time#uhh but i hate all the snacks there are#even the snacks in this house arent for me wow#and she knows i hate them too lol#and then she gets mad when i say theres nothing and says well you shouldve got some!! WITH WHAT MONEY. BRO OH MY GOD SHE MAKES ME WANNA PULL#all my teeth out i cannotytttttt#and its not like we go out she uses that stupid app and then cries about it costing more on the fucking apo like yeah no duh#i like going out too so idk why she blames me for this kind of thing#ohhhh we never go outttt. well yeah. i have no money for transportation or food. tf u want me to do#i dont even have a map. you wont recharge my goddamn phone#then you cry about wishing there was a man in this house like ok. maybe you should just help me out a little most of this shit i could do#what is your problem!!! die. well this is all discounting the fact of my social anxiety and language problem but like. i can push through#you make me do that all the time anyway so#whatever#i dont know anymore this just pisses me off#i wish i could burn this whole house down#or blow up this entire country yeah
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there are two wolves inside of you: one feels impending doom at the thought of tomorrow’s race. the other feels immensely hopeful that oscar will get his first win tomorrow or at the very least a mclaren 1-2. you are a formula one fan.
#i’m literally about to fucking throw up#this race doesnt even start for another 8 hours but i feel actually sick#like this is keeping me up#(yes i have a TOTALLY normal and healthy relationship with this sport)#you guys literally dont even understand the ways of which i need oscar to get his first win tomorrow#like i can literally feel it in my bones i just KNOW he can do it#like i know he can and i really feel like tomorrow is the day for it#however i am very very scared that the more i keep thinking about it and saying it the more i am jinxing it#like i’m literally imagining everything that could possibly go wrong#but i’m also beautifully imagining the way that oscar is going to get a perfect start and overtake lando (so sorry lando)#and build a big enough gap to where he can win the race#i need the mclaren pitwall to lock the fuck in today like i am nowhere near joking when i say i will start hysterically sobbing#if they fuck it up#alternatively i will start hysterically sobbing if oscar/lando wins so really theres no winning for me in that sense#but also i cannot even imagine the amount of pressure that both lando and oscar must be under right now#like i do not know how they do it because imagining it is further making me sick#me when i develop an anxious attachment style to two drivers and also an entire sport#lol#didnt have that on my 2024 bingo#anyway so im lraying to fucking god that the race goes okay because otherwise im killing myself#and i think i am perfectly valid in saying that#im also getting lunch with my two other friends who watch f1 a few hours after the race tomorrow#so regardless the race is going to be talked about but it will very much vary oh whether or not its good or bad#anyway im going to stop talking about this now because ive been doing nothing but talking about it all day#and i like genuinely need to shut the fuck up#SO i am going to hopefully go to sleep#we’ll see how this ends up going for me#lacey talks
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Making myself sick thinking of how much Genos loved his family,,,
#you can tell how much he treasured them from all the personal sacrifices he made just to avenge them#forsaking humanity for the sake of revenge is insane. but he probably couldn't care any less becuz in his mind he really had nothing left#to lose#he also has the vibes of a second child in a family of many kids#dutiful. responsible. obediently loving but also spoiled to a certain degree#im the eldest out of 6 & im vaguely aware of how much im spoiling my brother who's right after me more than the rest lol. that's SOMETHING#but i also like to think this side only evolved further after being basically adopted as Kuseno's sole grandkid#anyways. genos who's so family oriented genos who's an expert with younger kids becuz of his siblings#genos who knows how to chores anything & everything becuz of the upbringing!!! the family!!!!!!!!!#genos who doesn't like to remember the past becuz it hurts but it just shines thru him despite his best effort to turn cold#OOUUUGHGHHHGGG i shld really stop screaming in the tags and start writing coherent headcanon posts oh my GOD#⋆ ☆ 【 ジェノス 】 : ̗̀➛ headcanon.
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ok ok so you know how my life has majorly revolved around my pain since july & how that has been extremely difficult :) well lately I find myself getting up later than I want to & making my bed as badly as I possibly can & getting out of the house after noon when I planned to get out in the morning & walking to the library when it’s sunny & sitting there for hours & the whole time I’m most concerned with writing & that it’s incredible what I’m doing, it’s a little paradise
#you know how I hoped September would be kind to me well it delivered#I actually didn’t realize how mentally poorly I was doing until I got out of it !#like oooooof it’s like a chronic pain veil#& to be very honest it’s because I’m physically better so I cannot blame myself and I don’t lol bc there will be a time when that happens#<< again#I mean better loosely I just mean I haven’t had 8/10 pain every day for weeks LOLLL#but it’s really quiet and beautiful & im grateful !!! like yay I can still create !#I’m not thinking abt my pain 95% of the day now it’s probably about 40%? 50? so a lot but I’m literally not every single thought LOL#sometimes it’s even like 20! not even cuz anything is getting better bc it’s not but I will take it even if idk why!!!#(& by nothing is getting better I mean meaningfully better but I have been blessed with some good days lately which I had none#of all summer)#I say this bc every day I wake up and immediately think OH GOD MY PAIN which is so valid bc it’s awful in the morning getting up is like#falling into a black hole Lol but also while that thought is still there I also thought#wow I’m so excited to write today I’m so excited to see what Jeremiah does#HE IS THE NARRATOR OF HEALING#also like SOOO PRIVILEGED to be able to do this like I also wanted to say that!#anyway update for u since I know I have shared the Despair but none of the beauty yet lol#lots of love chronic illness/pain bbs <3
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i love being such a subhuman freak i scare my mom so bad she nearly throws up
#cicadas vent tag#hi.#just had a level 4 catastrophic meltdown it was GREAT#(it was not)#my mom was just telling me all the things i tell myself about like. loneliness and friends and shit#yall know the michi lore i wont rehash it#and i got really pissed and we screamed at each other#it got so bad i ended up telling her about my suicidal ideation#and she said i was ungrateful and should go in a psych ward so like. if i disappear u know why now i guess#i als grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her which i know i shouldnt have done because she IS a good mom#but idk#i just couldnt help myself#maybe i am just like the cicaderations... nothing but a wild animal#man#ugh#and i cant even have proper suicidal ideation about it because that's part of the problem#part of why im an ungrateful ingrate#and she eneded up crying in my arms about how much i scared her which#yeah didnt impact me at all thanks mom#do love hr tho#idk#god i wish i was better#OH AND IT WAS IN PUBLIC TO#AT THE POOL I WORK AT#im speedrunning getting fired bro#and im probably never gonna get better either..... hashtag lol#ill stay lonely and friendless forever probably#FUCK!!!!!
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the good thing about asperger's no longer being a diagnosis is that it's just called level 1 autism spectrum disorder now. i know i probably shouldn't be poking around in the mental health of strangers online, but as an autistic person myself, your struggles resonated with me. ever since i've been able to accept, understand, and begin to provide myself accommodations for my autism, my mental health has improved tremendously. autism is also co-morbid with oodles of other conditions, so it is definitely possible to have autism and other conditions that may have overlapping symptoms
It's funny, I was diagnosed, accepted it, over analyzed and rejected it, subsequently forgot about it entirely, then when the only helpful counselor I ever had brought up the idea I was like: Oh yeah! That makes sense. And went through the same process over again. I will say, having someone point out that something might be inhibiting my ability to interact with people was extremely helpful. Because I just thought I was really bad at it and processed it as a point of failure (which was intolerable). At one point she said "You don't have to do things you don't want to just because you feel like you should" and I think about that a lot. That should have been obvious but it was like she slapped me with a fish
#i used to pretend to be a person a lot more. now im just like im too fucking tired to not be anything but myself#ill wear whatever weird patterns i want. ill avoid all eye contact and say whatevers in my head. bc usually its nothing#harmful. perhaps a bit blunt but usually in a way thst makes ppl laugh. with me or at me idk but whatever#ill be as weird as i want. i wear fucking white moon boots around everywhere lol. ay now im just being defensive bc#these r the things my sister would make fun of me for lol. point is im probably autistic and overthinking it#but in the past few yeas when the obsessive compulsive behavior started to become a more and more obvious problem i was like hm maybe its#something else and my brain restricts even the words i use in the context i use them so i became no longer allowed to say oh yea im#autistic. which is annoying. thr malignant force that is my obsessive compulsive tendencies. which again im not allowed to name bc its not#allowed without an official diagnosis bc thats how my brain work 👍#level 1 autism sounds Hilarious tho. the teired heavens of autism. ive only ascended to level 1. allegedly.#god. my brain. y do i have to plausible deniability myself. its like im waiting for someone to collect evidance and make an arrest bc of#messy liguistics. ay ay ay. there r 2 wolfs inside me. one is trying to drown the other lol#unrelated#me when i have to b around ppl: actually im an insect person. an alien studying humans. watch them go#but no no im not one of them. im simply an observer
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i do acknowledge i need to watch what i say wrt gender women men cis ppl etc just augh.
#its like. im a trans man 100% i want nothing to do w being seen as a women i acknowledge that. i also acknowledge that I am putting#literally zero effort in my irl life to present as a guy at all. partially lack of resources and embarrassment etc stuff like that partiall#the autism i literally look in a mirror and see a guy#and i go to class go to work and until soemone explicitally refers to me as a woman i think of myself as a guy. so like its this weird#disconnect of what i actually do vs what i percieve as expieriencing in my daily life where i am objectively living#as a cis woman who just dresses and acts a bit masc. lol.#and like that doesnt bother me atm until i get to a setting where i am gendered frequently. then i feel nauseas etc but whatever ill deal#so i always hesitate whenever i talk abt women feminism men makeup beauty expectations etc (also i am mixed thai and white which#def plays into everyhting ofc ofc) as i dont know rly what is like. not fine idc if i say smthn uncouth just i dont want to at all#seem like im doing what these other trans guys do and latch onto my femininity and 'girlhood growing up' etc or like#its all dumb to me ofc im a feminist i consider anything i speak abt feminism free the nipple being against gender essiantialism etc etc#as in feminism (not that women arent/cant be femnists just in terms of im not trying to sound like a woman) and#ofc growing up as and my current life experiences have obvi had a large impact on myself how i veiw the world my political beliefs and all.#but like. im always scared it sounds like im idr the phrase someone else used but a i dont want to seem like im latching onto girlhood as#a failsafe or whatever. its just mm ykwim its a weird feeling. cause like im a 21 year old man and read my posts as such el oh el.#idk its all weird and idk if its a specific to me thing or whattttt it just like. i feel silly sometimes and i dont want my points to be#misconstrued :) anyways me posting this after rewatching and posting abt pearl has nothign to do genuinly lmfao just timing its been#on my mind after that dumbass trans guy posting abt the lonelyness he feels abt abandoning womanhood#after watching barbie. lol and then i saw someone in the comments of some ig quote it w like 30 replies all positive like get a lifeee#i understand it can feel isolating being trans and everyones relationship back to womanhood is diff and complecated but by god. shut up#anywayyyyyssss mmm okay im done whateverr#maybe all a fear in my head and literally none of this has every crossed anyones mind however it bothers me :(
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