#cw: MDD

[badaziraphaletakes]

I don't understand why you and your followers can't write "I read a take that said this" instead of posting the actual screenshot, which triggers a witch hunt for the OP to send hate for that specific shot you posted. If you post the takes with the handles attached, hate will be sent even more easily to the OP. If you read the OP's name and then choose at your discretion what to post... how do you manage it? Do you decide how many times the same person can be the target? What are the criteria?

I read under another post that people are happy to be blocked by so called Aziraphale haters. But, if someone wants to be blocked and never see their takes again, why do they specifically go after the “haters” to send screenshots to you and hate to the OP? Why don't you block them and instead wait for them to block you? I ask this with sincere curiosity. I assume that you are in good faith and don't want the fandom to be reduced to a small group of people. I don't write meta or analysis, so I'm not worried about being the target of anything. But a user I’ve been followed since season 2 who posted a lot of interesting metas (a bunch of them supporting Aziraphale and talking about his trauma) deactivated their blog for receiving a lot of hate after simply saying that maybe (not even definitely) Aziraphale screwed up in the end. It seems to me that the tones are a bit overheated. And posting the screenshots, even if you are in good faith, helps to keep the discourse going, in my opinion. I don't know, you have to do what you think is best, of course.

I don't understand why you and your followers can't write "I read a take that said this" instead of posting the actual screenshot

I have written about this in previous posts. LSS people are too scared to reply to the original takes, and it is reassuring to people who felt hurt by the takes to see the specific takes that are triggering to them get called out. I get a message to that effect, thanking me, at least once a day.

If you post the takes with the handles attached, hate will be sent even more easily to the OP.

We have never done that, we have never considered doing that, we never suggested doing that, and we are never going to do that. They will ALWAYS be anonymous.

If you read the OP's name and then choose at your discretion what to post... how do you manage it? Do you decide how many times the same person can be the target? What are the criteria?

About 80% of the takes that are submitted to us are submitted with the handles cropped out. We're instituting a policy for at least awhile of having the handles included when they are submitted to us so we can avoid it sharing too many posts by any one person (still a super weird coincidence that that ever happened - though I think it's relevant to point out here that by far the most obvious explanation for how that happened is that, since that person apparently has a ton of followers - so the reason so many people submit their takes to us is BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE SEE THEM! - Occam's Razor). But we will always crop out the handles before posting. I (Mod X) have even cropped out non-default background colors to help with that. We take this seriously.

When the names are included I make a point of not posting too many by one person. I actually have thrown out a ton of that person's takes when people have submitted them to us with the handle attached, because I wanted to keep things in balance. And I have SIGNIFICANTLY toned down the commentary attached to many of the bad takes people have submitted to me.

I read under another post that people are happy to be blocked by so called Aziraphale haters. But, if someone wants to be blocked and never see their takes again, why do they specifically go after the “haters” to send screenshots to you and hate to the OP? Why don't you block them and instead wait for them to block you?

This is exactly how it unfolded, as it happens. The person who, it transpires, we posted a lot of takes from (but NOT the majority of the takes we've posted - it turns out that, as far as we can tell, we posted more from them than any other one individual, but we are certain that the majority of the takes we posted were still from other people) blocked the blog about ten minutes after it was created - because they said "depression doesn't exist" and we replied with a link to an article on MayoClinic saying that depression *does* exist (it's another term for Major Depressive Disorder. But I digress). Seriously, THAT was what they blocked us for. They didn't even reply.

And we have NEVER encouraged people to harass OP's. Omitting handles was supposed to prevent that. It should have prevented that.

[ieatratsforbreakfast]

Childhood depression is so fucking isolating. And no I don't mean depression in teenagers, I mean depression in KIDS.

I developed depression around age 7. I self isolated until middle school. I refused to play with my friends, because I was convinced they hated me and it didn't matter anyway. I started self harming at 8.

Childhood depression traumatized me. And I don't mean it makes me sad to think about or just wasn't a great time. I mean it traumatized me, it altered the way I go about every day life. It altered the way I perceive myself, the way I go about making friends, the way I act in school.

My childhood depression played a major role in my late stages in developing DID. My childhood depression was one of the most traumatizing stages of my life.

[aki-bara]

(COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE)

Depression Tips

Only sleep at night. (good luck!)

Eat food. (No really.)

Stop thinking. (No really.)

Consume media to assist in the cessation of thoughts.

Don't meditate (unless it helps).

Be around people you know and typically like even if you hate it. (unless that makes things worse)

Don't go to crowded places alone, you WILL feel terrible!

Cry a lot even if it makes people uncomfortable.

Look unbelievably schlubby.

Don't talk to anyone on the phone or online. Only talk face to face so they can see how depressed you are and take that into consideration.

Don't make ANY commitments.

[borderline-culture-is]

(cw venting) depression + bpd culture is splitting on two friends in a gc when theyre trying to get you to open up about your issues + sui thoughts. and accidentally alienating yourself from them because even though they claimed it was ok for you to be honest even if you got mean, because you bite when youre scared, they couldnt ACTUALLY take it. even though they pressured you and kinda threatened you into really being honest and it caused you to lash out. this is all my stupid fault i should have known better than to try to open up to people.

.

[4ngel-f4ngzz]

why is the human race such a corrupt species. i wish i either

A. did not exist

or

B. was a cat. or any other animal. like any other one

[malkaleh]

I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.

[fleqsuvy]

introduction ♡

hello to those who see this!

my name is éva, i'd like to address that I'm new to tumblr so im still learning to navigate :)

♡ about me ♡

♥︎ 19 yrs (still without a license (ToT))

♡ cw: 115 // bmi: 21.2

♥︎ i have an ed, mdd, and bpd. i'm learning to manage my emotions and mental instability, but i'm still heavily struggling with my ed.

♥︎ i love art! i enjoy bookbinding, painting, drawing, and writing. i've always preferred to paint and draw on canvas and paper but i've recently showed interest in digital art :)

♥︎ another hobby of mine is car shows. i absolutely love lowriders, mini trucks, and classic automobiles. i plan to fix one up someday <3

♥︎ i love music so much, i mainly listen to oldies and all that good stuff but some artists i love besides that are lana del rey, kane strang, mitski, banes world, thee lakesiders, and the emkays ♡

♥︎ i have a cat and her name is cookie :) she's so funny because she hates other cats and only likes people and herself.

♥︎ i plan on using my acc for venting, advice, photos, my art (maybe, still thinking abt it) poems, ed related, bpd related, etc.

♥︎ i think that's about it, i don't have much to say :) i have no rules, just be nice please !

[pileofpawns]

what are these “ADLs” you speak of. My Activities of Daily Living simply include being comfy cozy in bed, drawing, and The Fone™

[ashen-phoenix]

I'm worried about a lot of things in regards to getting top surgery, I want it, I know it's what's going to be best for me long term. I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings in regards to my case specifically, but if anyone sees this and has any thoughts, please share.

I think one issue I am having is that I have spent a lot of time learning to love my body, and I do, but I'm worried that this appreciation may be part of what's holding me back, maybe disguising itself as comfort in fleeting moments

I have always struggled with hoarding, I wasn't allowed to have things at one parents house and then was mostly unregulated at the others. I'm finally decluttering, getting rid of things from years and years ago that I don't need, and it's been really hard, but I felt so much better being free of those things months later. I'm worried that my compulsion(?) to keep my breasts may be related to my history with hoarding. When I think about getting top surgery, I often think about how freeing it will be and how much better my life could be, but I also get the same sort of gut wrenching emotional pain as when I was parting with the things I'd hoarded. I'm unsure if this is just some kind of grief?

Is it normal to have an attachment to my breasts and the details of them from learning to love my perceived flaws over time? I worked so hard to love myself and I feel like I'm ruining something I worked so hard for, because what if I get this done and I hate it? I'm never have my body back the way it was, although I know I'm not happy now either

This isn't a high priority for me, but I do wonder about the convenience and security of being able to breast/chest feed if I have children. I don't think I really care about it as a "bonding experience", maybe because I don't really feel connected to that part of me anyway. I'm sure I'm just trying to sabotage myself, but I keep wondering about if I have a baby and there's another formula shortage or something like that, is it selfish to take away that potential safety net for a child I don't/might never have, potentially starving them in this imaginary scenario because I wanted to be comfortable in my body? I know it literally doesn't matter, I know if something happens I'll figure it out.

On a similar note, when I think of breast/chest feeding, I am a bit put off. My body doesn't need to feed a child(who is honestly lucky if it gets made at all). I can hold and feed and bond with a child without making myself suffer, so why do I keep using this as an excuse

I'm worried my husband may not be attracted to me afterwards, he really likes my chest as it is now and was very shocked and seemed uncomfortable when I told him I was considering it and looking for therapists/hrt options/surgeons. He doesn't like hearing about medical procedures, and I think my other (much smaller) surgical scars kind of ick him out (there's more to it, he doesn't say anything bad about them, it's just that thinking about surgery/human insides at all really bothers him)

I'm so afraid my dad is going to see a bill to his insurance for a gender therapist or my top surgery consult and just pull the insurance early. As it is I only have until mid September before my insurance runs out completely. I'm worried my timeline may be impossible, that I've waited so long and one sabotaged myself.

I'm really hoping they'll let me cremate the bits they take off, it's really important to me that I have all my parts, whether they're inside/attached to me or not.

I'm worried about how my body will recover, it generally heals very slowly, I'm so afraid of the surgery itself, and being put under anesthesia, I've never had a surgery this big before and I'm honestly so afraid it might be my last decision, but I'm also afraid that all my fonts not are just cold feet. I got cold feet before my wedding, I still think I should have stood by my decision and waited another year, I think if I had been able to give the time to myself this last year that I had previously given, I would have sorted my gender issues out a lot sooner.

Any advice or support is highly appreciated

[cookinguptales]

That last post I just reblogged was fascinating to me because it was obviously a joke but it actually lined up so well with a common PMDD symptom of mine that I was writing about it in the tags. Then I kind of thought about it again and realized OP doesn’t deserve all that in the tags of their joke post so like. I guess I’ll put those thoughts here instead.

(under a cut, cw: frank discussion of mental illness)

Like I’ll warn here that I’m about to talk about mental illness in some pretty explicit terms. I have Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (in addition to Major Depressive Disorder) and for the most part I have a pretty good handle on it. My depression is treatment resistant, but I did some hormonal treatments for years to help with that, my endometriosis, and my menstruation-induced EDS complications.

(Have you ever had menstrual cramps so bad that it dislocated your hips and ribs? I have! Every goddamn month lmao.)

About a year and a half ago, I had to stop taking the hormones because they were honestly making certain things worse, so I had to kind of just. Figure out other ways to deal with it. Working with a doctor, a regimen of cannabis tea and ketamine has helped a lot with the physical symptoms, and has helped some with the emotional symptoms. It’s still not perfect (still get bad days sometimes) but my suicidality is way better than it was.

(People with PMDD are apparently estimated to attempt suicide seven times more than the general AFAB population so like. I guess that’s something to keep in mind.)

That said, my ketamine regimen was fucked up recently because of some issues at the doctor’s office and uh. Well, I’m still kind of building the levels back up. The past few periods have been very rough for me. Mostly physically, but I’ve had some emotional issues, too.

This month, my PMDD has been… I guess not as severe as it was in the past, but boy is it lingering. I’ve been very jittery, very anxious, prone to bad mental loops, etc. It’s been about a week at this point, which is on the long side, but you just gotta tough it out, right?

(Don’t worry, guys, I do know when to reach out for help when symptoms get bad, and have done it before in the past.)

Anyway… one of my least favorite symptoms has come out to play and I’m Dealing with it but I hate itttt. It’s the one that the post reminded me of! And that’s the one where you feel guilty for wanting people to love you.

I think… when you’re dealing with something difficult alone, it’s very normal to fantasize about someone helping you through it. Telling you you’re not a bad person, that they love you, hugging you, etc. Normal stuff like that. I think people sometimes use fictional characters, sometimes real people who love them (like family/friends), sometimes people they make up in their head, etc. I think fantasizing about comfort is fairly normal.

But when you’re in the trenches, your mind is like No It Is Not Normal It Is Bad. I have to remind myself that like… in some ways, it’s kind of like an abusive relationship. During bad PMDD spells, my mind wants to hurt me, it wants to kill me, and it wants to separate me from my support systems. Your brain tells you that burdening others with your feelings is Bad and you are Bad for doing it.

This makes it hard to reach out for help when you need it (again, I do know how to do that, I am safe, I know that I have people who would come to my house right now if I needed them to — and failing that, I do know how emergency mental health intake works, too) but also like… it often gets to the point where you feel like a terrible person for even wanting to be loved.

Like — this is hard to explain, so here’s a sample spiral.

(cw: mental illness, suicide mention. I’m going to try and be as realistic as possible here and that might be troubling for some readers.)

I am feeling bad. I am sad and anxious and scared and feel like I am worthless. I want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I imagine a person I like doing this. I then think — no, you are a bad person. They would not want to do this. You are putting the burden of your feelings on some unsuspecting person again. It is unfair to use a real person as a mental support. You are forcing them into a situation they did not consent to, and you are using them as a crutch. You are a bad, selfish person and they would hate you if they knew you were doing this. You are asking for too much from the people around you; how dare you ask for love and support? You are worthless and no one will love you and imagining them loving you is unfair to them and frankly very invasive. You are being parasitical right now. Stop imagining people doing things they’d never want to do, you’re such a bad person. Don’t you care about their boundaries? Of course you don’t, you always hurt people because you’re selfish and bad and no one will ever like you. So stop imagining them liking you! Just kill yourself and get it over with, etc. You are a bad thing and bad things should go away and you should stop existing. Stop writing RPF about the people you like, that’s even worse than the crime of just being you. Just kill yourself.

And honestly, this will probably go on for a couple hours and there will probably be a lot of crying. >.> It’s good to keep electrolyte solution around because dehydration just makes it worse.

I’ve dealt with MDD for almost my entire life, but PMDD is… different. There’s a sort of exhausted doneness with MDD, like you don’t want to kill yourself, necessarily, you just want to stop existing. PMDD is different. There’s a very loud, very manic aggression to it. Your brain is very actively trying to kill you. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like being in a crowd of people all screaming at you at once until you cry, and then screaming at you for crying. There is a mob in your head and it hates you.

It is… very, very loud and very difficult to drown out. I can usually catch the warning signs and head things off before I get into a spiral. Going for a walk is good. Helps break the cycle. Creating is good, too. Makes me feel productive and useful to others, which is a whole other can of worms, but it is effective. And if all else fails, I usually weaponize my hyperfixations lmao. Start up an old video game that I know will take all my focus, or start a new tv show that I know I’ll get fannish about, whatever.

This month has been hard because, frankly, it took me by surprise. It’s a little earlier than it should be and I haven’t had to deal with it as much in the past six months, so I guess I got out of the habit. I didn’t notice that I was starting to get kind of stressed and anxious over small stuff and was beating myself up for feeling normal human emotions. This is usually the big warning sign to me. I will latch onto a negative feeling I’m having and feel very guilty about it. I scratch at it like a healing scab. Then the spirals starts. So I have to keep a watch out for that.

But… like I said, I do tend to withdraw and feel guilty about talking about these things. I feel guilty for wanting to depend on others because I feel like that’s asking too much, a miserable person like me demanding attention from people who are too good for me. And once I start withdrawing into myself and not talking to those around me, things get worse.

Like I said!!! Your brain is abusive and it wants to separate you from your support system — so it makes you feel like a bad person for even wanting a support system.

(I find that it helps, actually, to frame it like that. I can tell that my thoughts are starting to get irrational and it’s like “oh, THIS asshole is back to say mean things to me again.”)

So… idk, I’m trying to talk about it. I figure that I tagged this post appropriately and put multiple warnings on it, so anyone who is reading this wants to be here. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of support, maybe because they deal with these things, too. idk.

I’m basically telling my mean brain that fuck you, it’s good to talk about my feelings and no one hates me for it.

Because… this is the big thing… I was thinking about that one Tumblr post… the one that was like “the me in your head is nice to you, right?”

I want the me in your head to be so nice to you. I want the me in your head to hold you and tell you you’re a good person and that I love you. Even if I don’t know you. I want the me in your head to be so damn comforting.

I love the idea of being a comfort to people. That’s… why I write so much of why I write, I think. There’s nothing that chokes me up like finding out I’ve managed to comfort someone that I don’t even know. Is there anything more beautiful than comforting and supporting others in this bitch of a world?

NO we gotta be kind.

So… if I want the me in your head to be so, so kind, why do I feel so guilty for wanting the you in my head to be nice to me, too? Why do I feel like I am so innately unlovable that even fantasizing about someone loving me could stain them somehow? Like I will stain their clothes with my own awfulness.

I DON’T. I don’t feel that way. I have been doing so much better lately. I have been reaching out to people and doing fun things and spending time with people and thinking about loving people and them loving me back. I’ve thought about people loving me!!! And I’ve started to have the creeping hope that it could happen! That I am worthy of love.

Guys, I’ve been better. I know that all sounds like not much, but it’s been so easy for me to convince myself that no one will ever love me because I’m sick, I’m disabled, I’m unattractive, I’m unkind, I’m cringe, I’m annoying, I’m selfish, etc. It’s been so easy for me to find a million excuses for why I, out of all the people on this earth, will never be loved.

So… feeling hope that that’s not true is actually a very big thing for me, and something that I’ve been delighting in recently.

All the things in my head are fake and mean and… you know, hormones. That’s all.

Idk, this was meant to be a discussion of one small part of PMDD but I guess it ended up being a ramble about a lot of things. I’ll admit that it’s much more difficult for me to be focused and eloquent when I’m dealing with these symptoms. I had a moment where I wanted to apologize to anyone still reading this, but — instead I’ll thank you for spending your time with my words. For whatever reason you decided to do it, for whatever reason you’re still here, I appreciate that you did it.

I want the version of you in my head to be nice. And I want to thank you for being nice. And I want to be nice to you, too.

In conclusion

Now I’m gonna go take my medication and be quiet for a while.

[the-fraye-area]

My doctor won't give me my muscle relaxers because I had a seizure.

The seizure was from upping my wellbutrin because I was/am horribly depressed and suicidal.

I have been on these muscle relaxers for fucking years.

Brilliant fucking idea taking your already suicidal chronic pain patient off one of the few things that's managed any of my pain.

I can't even vape right now and my tolerance is absolutely destroyed so edibles suck ass and are expensive and take ages to even kinda chill me out. That is not pain relief.

My heating pad also just finished dying so I am literally without any kind of relief.

I don't actually want to die I just don't want to be in fucking pain anymore and just ending the whole thing is super appealing but my family and my animals need me so I'm fucking stuck here.

[fraye-complex]

Back to hating my Pristiq

What the fuck do you mean I might be able to cum 2-3 times a day if I'm lucky and hurt my fucking hand???

This is hell

[magdaclaire]

the way that the "everybody goes through that in middle/high school" mentality made me think that all of my peers were also suicidal and just handling it better

[whororhoe]

i have never known a tired this tired

the feeling of finally laying still

after being beaten down over

and over and over and over

swallowing bile and blood

knowing i can no longer

pick myself up again

and would rather

just finally rest

and give up.

[borderline-culture-is]

Bpd + MDD culture is when your fp breaks up with you and so now that you don't have a reason to live you want to do nothing but kill yourself because why else should you be alive?? /Vent

- Lustrous 86 Anon (I didn't see if you posted my last ask or not but is this claimable)

its claimable

[the-fraye-area]

My school work was always so much more important to the people around me than my wellbeing was. I have been chronically ill since I was 8 years old and no one believed me.

I was told I was lazy, a liar and a failure and if my grades and attendance didn't improve I would always be that way. I was shouted at, threatened with physical harm, actually harmed, and stripped of my personal belongings.

And half the kids in my grade could tell you basically the same story. Some of them can't because they aren't fucking here anymore.

The school system as it is kills kids. It sets everyone who isn't their perfect ideal of a human up for failure, and instills the idea that it's their fault, sometimes killing adults too.

I think that when we tell teenagers that their lives will be over if they don't have the most perfect possible trajectory through the education system, that this is, perhaps, if I may be bold, not good for them,