#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

malkaleh · 8 months ago

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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.

#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would #genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top #of a jewish trauma spike #and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm #does not look great #i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words #(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else #abuse cw #i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #this will disappear probably #UGH #(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing #(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead #and it’s like I can fake it so well #(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone #i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people #to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person

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