#cptsd diagnosis explained even more

[dogfags]

im perfectly medicated so why do I still get cold at night with the immense anxiety that he doesn't love me back

[robocops-a-christ-allegory]

Constantly doing a balancing act of like trying to make it clear I dont think mental illness diagnosis's are like intrisnic or anything besides you know like names given to a bunch of behaviors and those names can change depending on how the person doing the diangosing feels about the person with the behaviors etc etc etc. Anyway believing all that while also saying Im dead certain I dont have autism

[drdemonprince]

Hi, I just wanted to say I’m loving seeing the discussion about DID/dissociative disorders on your substack and here on tumblr. Not that pysch diagnoses are the authority at all but I am someone diagnosed with DID (and CPTSD). It took a lot of misdiagnosis’ and sooooo much self advocating to get what feels like an accurate diagnosis/understanding of my own brain and body. I thought I had it for years but would never have said that anyone but my partner for fear of being told I was making stuff up. I was very lucky to find a Dr specialised in trauma who was able to explain to me the concept of dissociation and then dissociative disorders. And it was like so much of my life suddenly made sense. And in accepting that I am plural and treating all parts of me with respect and care my life has gotten so much more stable. I have a lot of other (physical) illnesses so I am still pretty unwell but mentally compared to even a few years ago I have an inner consistency that I never thought would be possible.

I forget if I had an end point but yeah thank you for holding space for this convo and I just wanted to share

I'm so glad you found a way to better understand yourself, and a community organized around it. Thanks for commenting. I'm touched that I've stepped my way into a discussion that I sometimes feel is over my head, and the DID/plural communities have been so welcoming and encouraging.

[vaporwavedoggie]

Ahahahah I should probably explain why I'm not on here as much atm, along with most of my other social media.

It's gonna be long but I know I have some folks on here worried about me so I'll put everything under the cut.

Alright buckle up, this will get long.

To shorten things, my chronic pain is significantly getting worse very quickly, along with heart issues.

Not to mention my shit mental health.

But here's the long story:

There's something up with my heart. I don't know exactly what the diagnosis will be, I have a few more tests including a fun little holter monitor placement or whatever it's called.

It's where I wear this monitor over my heart for a few days and press a button whenever I start having flareups. My flareups consist of my blood pressure suddenly dropping very low (I think the lowest it was clocked was somewhere in the 80s/60s range if I remember correctly), headaches, bad chest pain, limb weakness/numbness, sudden exhaustion/passing out, etc.

They did an echo on my heart but the results didn't tell me much other than I have a dialated left atrium. No idea what that means, don't know if it's even related to the shit going on with me. I won't find out until the other tests are done and looked over.

I'm going as far as to try and give up cigarettes for the time being for this. My doc gave me a ton of nicotine patches, so I'm really hoping those will help with the urges. I'm going to be going from smoking about half a pack or so a day to patches that are 7mg of nic, so uhhh yeah.

Another reason why I'm distancing myself from online spaces more other than my personal discord servers is because stressful stuff, discourse, all that makes my flareups much much worse. I'm doing it not to be a bitch, but for my own health. So for a bit I'll probably only post art I occasionally draw n what not.

Now on to the other issues. My lower back keeps me in damn near constant chronic pain. They did an xray on it, and my MyChart (fun little doctor app) said this about their findings:

"Vertebral body heights and alignment are well-maintained. No fracture or subluxation. Pedicles are intact. Mild loss of disc height at L5-S1."

I'm not entirely sure if that's anything important, again, I go to my pcp about it in the beginning of October since there's a few more issues they'd like to test me for before coming to a diagnosis and treating me.

As for my back pain though, it's to the point where it's nearly disabling me physically.

I've had it for many years. Idk exactly when it all started, but I really started noticing it around the time I was 19-20. I have a theory it's because one of my first jobs that I worked for about a year was at a warehouse. It was very physical labor.

I'd be lifting heavy boxes constantly to the point where when I got home I couldn't bend down from the pain. I'd just have to flop down on my bed and pass out. And this went on about 4 days a week for a year.

At first, it started off as a small patch on my lower back, at the base of my spine, not being able to be touched. The gentlest poke would feel like stabbing pain. And it only got worse over the years, with the area spreading.

Now it's to the point where I can't stand for long, and when I sit or lay down I have to shift my position every 10-20 minutes or it flares up. And I dread going to sleep for a number of reasons. Not just because of the night terrors I have damn near every night due to my CPTSD, but because I wake up in excruciating pain most of the time due to not being able to shift my body in my sleep.

Worst part is, when I sleep, I'm dead to the world. If the night terrors aren't too horrible that night, I'm like a rock. No one can move me. Lord knows my husband has tried. And I'll sleep for about 12-20+ hours at a time at this point.

Funny thing is? No matter how much sleep I get, even if I get the base recommended amount without under or over sleeping, I'm ALWAYS exhausted.

My doc has sent a referral for me to get a sleep study but they have yet to reach out to me. I suspect this may also contribute to my heart issues but idk for sure.

So yeah. It's not enough that I deal with shitty mental health issues on a constant, but also chronic physical health issues as well.

Worst part is my family is borderline poverty. Despite everything I'm STILL trying to get a job because my family needs the money, along with others in the house, including my oldest son and teenage son.

Yet for whatever reason, everyone claims they're hiring, yet won't hire any of us. For me, I understand. I always struggled to keep a job due to various issues. But my sons have a completely clean slate, and my roomie has a great resume with plenty of long history, yet no one will hire anyone. Not even McDonald's.

People act like it's all us. We try everything we can, from dressing up in our nicest clothes for the interview, following up with the job, being friendly, giving the interviewer our skills. Worst part is they act like they're fucking impressed, then turn around and claim they've decided to go with someone more qualified for the position, or they're not hiring anymore.

Yes, I know I'll hurt myself if I try working a job and pushing myself beyond my limits every day, but it's taking too damn long for disability to do shit. Disability is very hard to get in Texas for whatever reason and God it's stupid. It usually takes a minimum of 2-3 years for most, and we don't have that time.

The price of rent, groceries, and everything else keeps skyrocketing, yet my roomies won't get a raise on their disability, my husband won't get a raise on his job other than just a few cents once a year.

We're living by the skin of our teeth. Paycheck to paycheck. Most of our food comes from various food banks in the area we make multiple trips to a week.

Then when it comes to my mental health issues, I'm handling it the best that I possibly can.

My CPTSD has been flaring up. Then there's the other shit going on with my head I won't get into.

I'm nearly constantly haunted by trauma and I'm so fucking tired of it. I have to keep myself busy or it creeps into my mind. And I have somnophobia because every time I sleep I'm almost guaranteed to have a night terror. No, prasosin won't help.

Anyways that's a small portion of the shit im going through and why I probably won't be online much until I get shit sorted out.

Is it weird to be the happiest you've ever been in your life, yet also the most miserable??

[actual-changeling]

wdym crowley has an unstable relationship pattern? genuine question cuz he seems very stable and committed to zira, i think it's zira who has that unstable pattern

Hi anon, I assume this is a reference to my addition to this post?

Even if not, it's a good question, and I'll try to explain it as plainly as possible; sometimes I forget not everyone operates with my baseline of knowledge.

For people who don't know the post/topic, this is the part I'm going to talk about:

For Crowley in particular, it seems to be more than ‘just’ cptsd, and if he were human he’d probably qualify for a bpd diagnosis. Fear of abandonment and subsequent frantic attempts to avoid being abandoned, unstable relationship patterns and an unstable of self plus impulsiveness that could lead to physical or mental harm (like driving too fast, abusing alcohol or other substances).

You said that Aziraphale seems to be the unstable one, not Crowley, and I agree that he is just as unstable—if not more—and the main cause behind the push/pull they are stuck in/were stuck in. Explaining this in detail definitely requires its own post so I will try to keep it short, if there's any questions, everyone is always free to ask them! <- past me was a liar.

This got very long because brevity is not something I have ever been blessed with. Like, 1.6k words long, because go big or go home, I guess.

Here's the link.

I will still give you the tl;dr, which is everything I laid out broken down to the essential aspects, and I will post the detailed analysis as its own post, which you can find here.

Aziraphale falls into "I hate you—don't leave me", meaning that he pulls Crowley in until the intimacy reaches the limit he can bear without being forced to confront his fears around their relationship. Once he does arrive there—either on his own or because an external influence sped things up—he completely turns around and pushes him away. Insults, denial, invalidation, you name it.

Crowley is unhealthily co-dependent on him, and he is scared of being abandoned because his identity revolves around Aziraphale. After being abandoned and rejected over and over by people he cared about—starting with his parent/God—he is terrified of losing his one and only friend, his person. Emotionally, it feels like everything he is, all the structure in his life, will melt away and disappear without Aziraphale. As a result, he never challenges Aziraphale past a specific breaking point, always eventually gives in and comes back to him, and thus allows him to keep up the push & pull.

[violentviolette]

something i see happen a lot when people are working through self dx and even sometimes with professional dx for comorbidity, is the lack of understanding that once a symptom is covered under a specific disorder, it does not then cross apply to another

which is confusing so let me explain. lets say u have bipolar disorder and u know this for sure, but u also have other things going on and are trying to figure out what else u might have. when u start to consider other disorders, all the symptoms that are "covered" under the bipolar diagnosis should now be off the table so to speak. they should not be counted towards another diagnosis

meaning, they have a place u know they come from already, so they dont need a further explination. for example, both bipolar disorder and bpd have multiple overlapping symptoms as well as unique symptoms they dont share. if ur going through those lists of symptoms, and the only bpd symptoms u expierence are ones that are also bipolar symptoms, then u probably dont have bpd

mood swings for example in this scenario should not count towards a bpd diagnosis, because u already have a disorder that accounts for that symptom. lots of disorders have the same or similar symptoms because humans are incredibly varied and nuanced and some things are more common and present across the board then others. but that doesnt mean that just because u have a symptom, means u have every disorder where that symptom presents

i see this a lot with cluster b pds, and especially with people thinking they have 3+ cluster b pds. they will see that all 4 disorders contain things like impulsivity, executive dysfuntion, empathy dysfunction, cptsd symptoms ect. and think that means that they qualify for all of the disorders because they have these symptoms that are shared by all of them. but that really is not how diagnostic criteria works. those symptoms only count the once towards the 1 disorder. after those, u have to look at the other symptoms that are not shared, and see which of those u qualify for.

this stuff is very difficult and can be very confusing which is why it takes a long time and lots of research and introspection to really understand fully what u might have. and also why so many people end up misdiagnoised (both professionally and selfdx) at one point or another but i hope this was maybe helpful in that process

[etherealspacejelly]

Okay so. This is a bit of a rant that I cant give my parents and... You're really supportive and all. I get that this might be too much, so... If you dont wanna answer this, dont. Its okay. It has helped me already to write it. And this is very clearly different to your usual asks.

Im not officially diagnosed with Autism or ADHD. Im very weird, struggle with a bunch of stuff and definitely have anxiety disorder. I kinda fell into depression? Im out of it now. Got a CPTSD diagnosis too. All the fun stuff.

Anyways. When I was in the clinic and people kept telling me I was super duper intelligent and basically could therapy myself and none of them understood that this self awareness was partially the fault of my depression, it felt like shit. They told me I was too socially adapt to be autistic and too focused for ADHD.

But they did say I could have a really high IQ, but didnt have a reason to test that.

When my parents asked why it was important to me, I didnt have words. I guess I always felt like the robot or the alien or the black sheep and that I had to make an effort to fit in. I always felt like I was missing out.

Would knowing change anything? I dont friggin know, Dude.

So why am I telling you? Its probably because you're really nice about these kinds of things and everything concidered, maybe I just wanna hear one person tell me that its okay to want to know even if it doesnt change anything. I couldnt explain it to you. I just wish I had been tested. Maybe things wouldnt have been so hard then? Maybe I could have been happier, you know.

This is a bad little pipeline to go down, but hopefully it makes sense to you anyways. Im trying not to think that way. I wanna know for myself. I want that stamp on the paper telling me Im not making it up. Validating my struggle, I guess.

Anyways. Im sorry for barging into your asks like this. Do you have any tips for people like me, who are just kinda... drifting?

oh sweetheart :(

im so sorry that you are going through that. i dont have any tips for you unfortunately, but what i can tell you is that you are not alone. there are plenty of people out there who feel exactly like this.

knowing you dont fit in but not knowing Why is such a common experience for late/undiagnosed folks. it is not at all unreasonable to want to understand why you feel the way you do, even if it wouldnt really change anything.

there is no such thing as being 'too smart' or 'too social' to be autistic. i was never considered for an autism diagnosis probably for the same reasons. we come in all shapes and sizes, and our symptoms present all sorts of different ways. and when you throw adhd into the mix things get even more complicated, and the adhd and autism can even mask each other a little, making it even harder to get a diagnosis despite the high comorbidity rate.

i see your struggle. your struggle was my struggle, for many years. just because it doesnt show outwardly doesnt mean it isnt there. you deserved to get the help you needed. and im very sorry that you didnt. i didnt either.

i hope that things improve for you as they did for me.

[elytrafemme]

anyway it ain't even like i've forgone all diagnoses because i do say i have CPTSD and i talk about having ocd tendencies, an ED, hell i have said i have BPD tendencies in the past too. and i know a lot of my own perspective on disorders is defined by how desperately i searched to clinicalize things that were all not really diagnosable (ex. my pseudo-manias that i thought were bipolar in nature for hereditary & psychological reason but turn out to just be a separate thing that is unresolved; my dissociative issues and how i was part of a full vivid system and am no longer, etc.) plus the fact that my therapist is anti diagnosis. so like... yeah. i mean nevertheless i still argued with her over hours about diagnoses but i guess as someone who doesn't need medication or accommodations (though sometimes i think it might help) my perspective on diagnoses is a lot more "fuck them, they don't explain what happened." because i seriously did try to diagnose myself to just feel like my issues were real, and i never found that diagnosis so i was convinced i like didn't experience any of it. and that was really weird and confusing and stressful. so having whatever breakthrough it took to realize that i don't really need a diagnostic explanation was really personally lifechanging, but again, this is not attempting to diminish the fact that other people may feel differently and i am privileged in a lot of my experiences with therapy.

** also i need to make so crystal clear that you are not a bad person for having any disorder discussed here and that when i talk about my unfortunate experiences with believing i have BPD that is not saying that BPD results from someone being "crazy" or "doing something wrong" -- that is so entirely not what i mean. **

[unstablemotions]

me reading my medical papers from 2020 mentioning me talking about "being taken over" by this other person and cringing so hard that i had the audacity to think i didn't have DID, but i'm even more amazed that my psychiatrist and psychologist back then didn't suspect DID at all when they describe my symptoms. they just tried to put me on antipsychotics because they were sure it must be psychosis, when they literally have been describing me as having dissociative symptoms and ptsd symptoms for years before that 💀 they've described me switching to becoming like a child during therapy.... how i had a shit memory.... how i was deeply traumatised.... but nope, they went with "bipolar disorder NOS" and maybe some psychosis and put me on like four different psychopharmaca at the same time. later i was told by a new psychiatrist/therapist that i wasn't bipolar or psychotic and it was dissociation and cptsd, but i never got my fucking diagnosis changed for some fucking reason, so i have to explain that i'm officially misdiagnosed to new doctors since i fucking left the psych clinic for being shit. they didn't offer specialised help for trauma, so i was like "well wtf am i doing here then" and left to find somewhere else, but that apparently doesn't exist in my country so lol fml 💀

it could be fun posting some shit my doctors, psychologists and therapists have written about me over the years, but it's all in danish so i'd have to translate it. but it's very funny to see how they fucking struggle figuring out wtf is up with me (im laughing to cope). also when my doctor was homophobic towards me and wrote i was "very strongly confused" about my sexuality (i told him i was gay lol xoxoxo) and used it as evidence to diagnose me with eupd <33

also funny when they tried asking my parents about how i was as a kid to see if i was autistic or adhd when my parents were neglectful and abusive in other ways and one of them doesn't remember shit because she's got DID, bipolar, psychosis and adhd and the other one said he doesn't really remember me well as a child and thinks my mom, the person with memory issues, remembers it better💀

also funny how autistic i think i sound in my medical papers, but they are like "the patient has always had weird, intense interests for their age and struggles with socialising and easily gets overwhelmed, also they don't seem autistic, but they do have several autistic immediate family members"

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, for some while I believe I have some form of DID and a few days ago felt like I had kinda contact with someone? It felt different than usual, less vage "is it contact or am I talking to myself"-ish.

And I feel kinda happy. Is it weird to hope I have DID? Because that would mean I didn't make it up for years and, believing you have such a major illness and then there's nothing, that's cringe.

And I feel it would validate my trauma. I have real issues validating it, also because of my memory gaps, but also in general. Probably naiv but I think, if I would have an undeniable trauma issue (not some "you are so sensitive and got PTSD from god knows where, but is is kinda your own fault") would validate me, in my own eyes.

And last, this is super weird but true, I am very good at caring for others and suck at caring for myself. So "care for your inner child" has had some good effects on me, but I think, really caring for others, when caring for myself, would change 100% how I live my life.

Everyone is like "Nobody wants such an illness" but I have CPTSD regardless so, idk, I kinda hope I didn't make it up. There's also a significant part in me, hoping I made it up, because that would mean major changes in my life that I am not happy about.

But I don't always hate the thought of it, and I feel guilty for that.

Hi anon,

It's normal as a survivor to want to have a support network, even internally, to balance the weight of the trauma, daily life, or whatever else. The saying goes that if you feel it would be beneficial to be a system, then you are likely a system, because singlets have no need to be plural. There is a sense of family within a system and it makes sense to want that sense of community within yourself.

Please also know that it's normal to find satisfaction in getting a diagnosis. Labels do help some people by providing a sense of comfort or relief in being able to name or confirm your experiences. Getting diagnosed with DID can offer an explanation for memory gaps, identity confusion, and other dissociative experiences. However, it's important to remember that a diagnosis is not necessary for validation and healing from trauma. You and your experiences are valid regardless of whether or not you're professionally diagnosed.

I also just want to say that you don't have to have DID for your trauma to be bad enough or valid enough. I think there is a common misconception that DID must be from "severe childhood trauma" but this is not the case. We have to remember that severity is subjective, and the age window for developing the disorder isn't as strict as commonly thought because we all develop differently.

It's important to remember not to compare yourself to pwDID and feel like their trauma is more valid than yours because they have the most severe form of PTSD. While some people may find it helpful to remember that there's always someone who "has it worse", that doesn't heal anyone. There is more healing to be found in considering that all trauma is equally valid.

It's okay to question whether or not you're a system, and it's okay if it turns out you're not a system. You don't deserve to judge yourself no matter the outcome. There is a lot of shame and stigma in the DID community, but please remember that exploring yourself is a perpetual effort and it's understandable to not have all the answers. You're just trying to make sense of what's going on in your mind and there's nothing wrong with that.

Please know you're not alone. I'm questioning myself and have the same thoughts as you. My therapist believes I have OSDD but explained that a diagnosis isn't necessary because it runs the risk of pathologization and it wouldn't change the treatment plan. So do consider that diagnosis may be avoided.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate your experiences, thoughts, and feelings surrounding both your trauma and seeking a diagnosis. A therapist, especially one who specializes in complex trauma or dissociative disorders, can help figure out if diagnostic evaluation is the best course of action for you.

If anyone would like to make a comment or suggestion, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[dolloshub]

Quick Medical Update -OS-

Cluster Headache Selfie!

We are slowly figuring out what comes next. It’s Owner has one foot out the door, and this doll is about four weeks out from brain surgery- so no biggy.

We are in the hurry up and wait phase. Waiting for out case to be presented, and a surgery week set. Hopefully in the next four weeks. It is, by far the hardest thing both the girl who was and this doll have ever done, aaa so much- 90%+ is connected to seizures and this brain is weird even by drug resistant epilepsy standards.

So weird in fact that some of the top doctors and neurosurgeons are extremely hesitant to take action. This is because they do not understand how doll is as functional as it is, even with mapping the brain, neuropsychology testing. This body/brain shouldn’t be able to function beyond communicating basic needs. And yet…. Here we are.

Because of this, every precaution that can be taken on the medical side is being taken in preparation for surgery. This means a longer wait, possibly more tests, and all the while the brain is having seizures and cluster headaches daily. Not a stable situation.

OS doesn’t believe this has been explicitly explained, and deserves its own post so it will keep it short.

The girl who was, that Echo in cooperation with MT knew that she did not have much time, and knew that in order to heal, the system’s CPTSD needed to be stopped or reduced.

The most effective way to do so is going directly to the source. In this case it was the body and brain and medical interactions. Our epilepsy she hypothesized was at the top, with most everything else being downstream. The girl who was knew the goal was to decouple three major conditions, with epilepsy being at the top of the list. So she started the project of decoupling and took that trauma until she could go no further.

That Echo eventually reached max trauma, where there was high risk of being put into a dormant state involuntarily.

At that point she knew her own existence was time limited, not just because of unrelenting standards, but because she had taken on so much trauma that the brain would put her (The girl who was’s Echo) into a dormant state soon, which that Echo knew would completely destroy the girl that was.

The Hail Mary toss was not only because she was out of time, but because she started a project, the only project that mattered and would hopefully ,maybe allow the brain, body, and mind to heal. The only way that healing could occur was to stop the daily trauma.

It is also for the same reason that app Echo is at the edge, why she keeps shutting down. If CPTSD was not a factor, the girl who was would likely still exist, and this blog would not.

~OS~

[hatredmadeofgold]

If it's not too invasive, how did you get diagnosed with ASPD, and has it changed anything for you?

I don't feel too comfortable sharing a lot of details of my history online tbh but since I share stuff on my blog about mental health things and mention ASPD pretty often in the tags, here's a little summary for you from what I feel comfortable sharing under the cut.

I got misdiagnosed with BPD in my early 20s during a psych ward stay, which later turned out to be a misreading of my issues by the psychiatrist and therapists there. Over several years of receiving therapy, I eventually got diagnosed correctly (in my opinion) with ADHD, cPTSD, DID and Personality Disorder of the emotionally-unstable (read: not borderline type; the ICD makes a difference between EUPD-impulsive and EUPD-borderline, while the DSM-V lumps them together as Borderline PD which is also confusing as fuck when you don't have the borderline part of the disorder yet get told you have BPD because it's the universally more known label) and the dissocial type (ICD-10 version for anti-social PD).

In regards to the combined PDs, it just felt to me like getting the logical answer to some questions I had that I didn't know how to answer myself for a long time.

When I first got diagnosed with BPD I rejected the idea of having a PD entirely, mainly because I don't relate to more than half of the disorder's characteristics after having dug deeper into the matter. The other reason was the psychiatrist back then dishing it out together with a transphobic remark, saying that I cannot be a trans man because of my 'unstable sense of self' (that was just her team observing different alters during my stay there) and her own cissexist definitions of 'man' and 'woman'.

So when it got later changed to ASPD, I already had a clue of what was going on with me anyway due to the new found interest in human psychology and mental health conditions. I also had a complete lifestyle change from prior getting diagnosed with BPD, which got me into new hobbies and some low-key forming interest in becoming more pro-social because there's an arguable benefit of not fucking up your life to the point it could get me my freedoms revoked. Felt like I am having my shit together (which I didn't actually have, but I was good at making the dissociality more covert) for the most part until the pandemic, the lockdowns hit me with major setbacks and I pretty much regressed almost entirely to who I was pre-PD diagnosis in my early 20s.

In my last clinic stay (different one from the one mentioned above), the psychiatrist there told me that they have doubts about the PDs though, and said that my symptoms could also be explained with cPTSD which technically makes sense but... yeah, idk man.

I call bullshit because I don't have complete amnesia about my childhood and teen years and there's plenty of evidence for conduct problems that never saw any treatment during that time. Then again, I grew up in a small town in buttfuck nowhere with corrupt cops, useless social workers and plenty of crime, so I am also not surprised that I just could get away with my bullshit and I suspect that the DID also made it easier as well, since not all alters have the same intensity of anti-social symptoms and behaviours. I suspect that I have the combined PD label because some alters are more emotionally-unstable, and others are more anti-social.

I am also physically disabled (and tbh I struggle to even admit to myself that I am disabled even though a recent physical exam begs to differ) and I guess that my limited ability to get into physical altercations with other people due to said disability makes me apparently not 'violent enough' for them to give me the ASPD label I guess lol

[alittlebitofrainbyyourside]

the funniest? that's the wrong word- thing about trying to figure out how to explain my experience with DID with people now that apparently that's.. something we're going to do-

is that the old man who lives on the mountain is just like 'well, you see, PTSD is what you call a structural dissociation disorder- level one. Where someone has basically a complete sense of self but occasionally in an Emotional State with act contradictory to their own judgements/beliefs because they're trapped in that Emotional State. Things like Fight/Flight/Freeze happening when the trauma is actually resolved. Their sense of self- how they act when not triggered is called a ANP- an apparently normal part. and CPTSD- my other diagnosis- is a structural dissociation disorder- level two. Same verse, just more Emotional States which makes things a little more complicated. Now instead of there primarily being one like 'oh this is how I act when trauma-triggered' there are Multiple Different Emotional States. So there may be a group of behaviors/thoughts wrapped around Flight and then a different group of behaviors/thoughts wrapped around Freeze. Still one ANP, now with multiple ES. DID is a structural dissociation disorder level three. People with DID sustained so much trauma during an integral part of their brain development that they were unable to form a single ANP. The fracturing looks different for different people with it- but it is likely they have a different ANP that forms for home, work, school. On top of having ES. There's levels of dissociative amnesia between these- so people with structural dissociation disorders, especially those who are diagnosed later in life- often develop complex routines/habits so that they can remember things from one state to the other- even if they didn't realize that's what they were doing.' and then there's another part of my brain that is just like 'yeah... no. Just tell people that everytime you needed to enter a new situation with new rules- you masked so fucking hard that mask can be bought at party city.'

[bluravenite]

I assume you make little silly noises cause you did something cool

Bold of you to assume I don't make noises for LITERALLY no reason.

Wanna know which ones?

I meow (on accident) don't ask how,, it's always unintentional

I squeak A LOT sometimes meows ^

I definitely growl at myself

Huff and sigh REPEATEDLY

Bark but like a small Chihuahua that lost it's voice (awa awa dog/ref)

I also make the pop bubble sounds with my lips courtesy of @spiiral-sins bc they make it all the time on call and i keep saying I hate it but now I do it too so I am a liar and a fraud /lh.

IK THAT THERE'S MORE but sometimes they change and i also tend to mimick any that people do around me if I've known that person for a while!!! ^^

CW: mental health/illness discourse

To clarify though, I'm not claiming to be autistic, the meme picture i just find funny lol, but I'm case it wasn't clear. I am not diagnosed!! And while i do have similar "symptoms"/qualities I'm pretty sure my behavior comes from a mixture of undiagnosed adhd, cptsd, and bad coping mechanisms!!

This does mean that I have several vocal plus physical stims and I DO stim A LOT when I get excited, but when it comes to diagnosis I would rather have a professional opinion (even if not a diagnosis) before i self proclaim!

^ countless school counselors/therapists have told me that I act/sound like I have adhd and definitely cptsd triggers and I agree bc it's the only way I can explain the way my brain works and why it hurts me the way it does!! I also 100% know I have had depression since I was 13.

[aspd-culture]

seeing some of these recent asks/posts, out of personal curiosity, do you have any thoughts or opinions on how important "lack of remorse" is to ASPD? i think it's an interesting aspect of the disorder, especially considering how... vague of a concept it kinda is? at least i see it as vague. but that very well could just be the ASPD talking lmao.

aspd-culture is

My personal thoughts on it is that remorse is a very fickle concept that is not taught well to children under the assumption that they should just know what it is and feel it by instinct despite neurological research proving that it is a learned concept (from working in child development, part of my job was helping children develop remorse, sense that remorse, and process it which is a whole process people don't really think about outside of that field).

I remember multiple times blatantly asking adults what remorse meant, and they always said either "feeling bad when you do something bad" (without any explanation that it is specifically not a fear of consequences or what it actually should feel like or how you know you did something bad).

Because of this failure by our society to explain remorse vs regret vs fear of consequences, I don't think it's fair to put a strong amount of weight on it as a symptom of ASPD, and there's a couple reasons for that.

Firstly, you may have seen the amount of people I have surprised with the definition of remorse/guilt. These people, if evaluated for ASPD prior to finding that out, would have self reported feeling remorse their whole lives up until they found out what it actually is. With the amount of professionals who put such weight on that criterion, imagine how many pwASPD to this day have no idea they have it just because of that?

Second, I think putting too much weight on that symptom in the diagnostic process unfairly increases the risk of pwoASPD who have various disorders that affect understanding of social norms (such as autism and cptsd) or that cause issues with introspection (such as bpd and adhd) getting misdiagnosed with ASPD.

Thirdly, I think that even though it definitely IS a symptom of ASPD, many professionals who put weight on it are doing so not out of genuine concern for the pwASPD's struggle with remorse, but rather as another way to turn ASPD into Absolutely Shitty Person Disorder and pathologize criminality. It is part of what allows them to diagnose on the stand based off just the knowledge that someone committed crimes (one criterion), feels no remorse (second criterion), and is either aggressive or disregards someone's safety or rights (third criterion which is officially all you need for a diagnosis). In other words, I think part of the reason some professionals think this is such an important part of ASPD is because they are really afraid of people without remorse and think that warrants giving them a stigmatized diagnosis without regard to if/how well they fit the rest of the criteria.

And it's a double-edged sword because just like so many people are probably getting diagnosed with ASPD who don't have it just bc they don't know what remorse is well enough to say if they have it, many others are likely going undiagnosed who meet 4-5 other criteria but don't meet this one and so much weight is put on it that their struggles with the other symptoms are ignored.

Overall, while I agree that it is certainly deserving of being ONE criterion for ASPD, it needs to stop being treated as THE criterion for ASPD, at least until our society gets more comfortable and eloquent about explaining remorse to people who don't understand what it is.

[violentviolette]

Could what you've said about HPD not just as easily apply to ASPD being based on pathologising criminal behaviour? There's even talks about ASPD dxs being separated into subtypes of have and have not committed crimes (awful idea imo), research being done on criminal populations that do not even have ASPD and such makes it pretty evident in it's not moving away from its roots in modern day either. So do you think ASPD isn't a real diagnosis in the same way HPD isn't then and if not what do you feel the difference is?

in my opinion no, which just to bring things back into perspective i am just some idiot with a blog and while my opinions on these things is very much based on years of research and a degree and my own experience in the mental health field as a patient for 20+ years, the stuff i say should still be taken as things to consider and not like, hard immutable fact but my thoughts essentially boil down to, i think aspd and bpd are the two cluster b pd's that have merit to warrent their own disorders because they have a unique set of symptoms that is not covered under or explained by other diagnoses.i think they're the product of a unique neurotype (the biological component) + trauma during early childhood and development (the environmental component) and thus are both nuerodivergent and mental illnessness i think npd and hpd are different as both of their symptoms could be absorbed by combinations of other existing diagnosis and thus would be better served by being either gotten rid of, or given their own catagories within things like cptsd. i think hpd and npd are both the result of prolonged abuse and trauma and are abuse responses, and i do think they have merit to be their own unique subtypes of cptsd but i dont think they have the nuerological components that make aspd and bpd lifelong npd and hpd both respond much better to treatment, especially trauma recovery treatment, and are more likely to be fully manageable with proper treatment in ways that aspd and bpd are less likely to, at least in my annecdotal experience but again, people are very free to disagree with that or to think thats horseshit im not lobbying the dsm or anything im just giving my current thoughts. i could feel very differently in 2 or 5 years, especially since more research is being done and we gain better perspective and understanding of things