#i thought i had bpd for years bc of how crazy i can be

[horrorfolk]

im perfectly medicated so why do I still get cold at night with the immense anxiety that he doesn't love me back

[remcycl333]

Rem, I need a friend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I mention it because I think this issue has to with my condition, and I don't know if I'm wrong but I read a post from you once where you said you had BPD and ADHD –correct me if I'm wrong– and I thought maybe you can understand me.

Anyways, my issue is, I struggle deciding what I want. Recently I had a situation with a guy, he has ADHD and him being forgetful, triggered me and had me begging for his attention. He was very kind and never reacted badly, but then he ghosted me, which triggered me again. My mind keeps telling me maybe it was his ADHD and maybe he now just feels guilty and feels like it's too late to answer (it's been weeks). I planned on texting him again but I don't want to fall into this dynamic.

I was thinking, "if I want to date him I should just go to the end and focus on that". Then I was like "Do I really want to date him?" Then I had another thought of "Maybe I should move on" and then "Wait, I actually do want to date him" and then "No, I just want validation" and then "Nope, I don't give a damn about validation he ain't even that good" and then "I do like him, maybe we should date" and then "I don't even want to have a conversation with him" and then "I want to know more about him" the point is, I always start a process of manifesting something and then the next day (sometimes not even a day) I want something else, and it's a mess because I end up manifesting NOTHING, only more frustration.

Tbh, if I wasn't triggered, I would 100% like to date him. I mean I met him 6yrs ago and liked him for months (we never talked but we were classmates in uni and he was super hot), then never saw him again until this year and when I saw him I was so happy and excited, and the crush I had on him resurfaced and it felt like a new chance to try. Until now that I am feeling so confused, and when it seems like I made up my mind, I then remember why I'm triggered and slip out again, and when I have "given up", I want him again, and it's exhausting.

omggg yes, i do have bpd and adhd and this was so crazy to read cuz it was like i was talking to my younger self! i went thru the EXACT same situation with my old sp. i manifested him back after he broke up with me (and before he broke up with me he'd forget to text me back all the time bc of his adhd) and it would trigger me so bad and i'd start doing the most outrageous things. and then when i was manifesting him back, i'd also constantly go from "fuck him im better than him" to "i want him so bad i need him" to "he's just gonna ignore me again i hate him" and then "no he's the love of my life" to "if he texts me im not even gonna respond bc he doesn't deserve me." and i was in a cycle of that for MONTHS. but like you said, i knew that if he had never rejected me in the first place (and therefore triggered me) i wouldn't have felt like that and i'd still want him and see him only in a positive light.

i think that what really helped me was just going straight to the end, like you said. whenever i'd start overthinking about whether or not i actually wanted him, i'd take some deep breaths and just go to my imagination and experience a reality where my sp never ignored me and he treated me how i wanted to be treated. i also reminded myself of how long i had wanted to be with him, and that when all was said and done, even if i had made up my mind that day that i didn't want to be with him anymore, the next day i would be upset about not being with him again. i wouldn't have been stuck in the cycle for so long if i didn't actually want to be with him. i was just feeling hurt and lashing out.

i also found comfort in knowing that i could create a new version of my sp where he was attentive and gave me the amount of attention i needed and wanted. i didn't want to manifest his adhd away or anything, but i wanted to create a version of him that was able to remember to reply to me lol. i knew that as long as i imagined my sp to be the version that i wanted, he wouldn't show up in my 3d as the old version anymore. the only way he could ignore me or ghost me again was if i imagined that he would. if i focused on the version of him that didn't, however, he never would! so whenever i felt worried or anxious that he'd do that again, i'd retreat to my imagination and experience the version of him that i wanted.

another thing that really helped me was to forgive him. i was always angry at him and imagining getting into arguments with him about our break up and imagining what i'd say to him when i manifested contact. but the thing about that was i was manifesting "the end", and the end was us already being in a relationship together. so if we were already in a relationship together, we would have already talked through our past issues and i already would've forgiven him. so i couldn't manifest us being happy together and forgiving him if i was constantly imagining scenarios where i hadn't already forgiven him. if that makes sense?

these thoughts still naturally popped up all the time. "what if he doesn't change" "what if he does it again" etc. and then when we were back in contact again, "what if i say something wrong and he stops replying" etc. but i just kept persisting, and every time my minded wanted to go back to scenarios like that, i'd shift back to my desired state and tell myself that we were already together and there was no reason to worry about stuff like that anymore.

anyway i hope this helped!! if u have more questions feel free to ask <3

[magnoliamyrrh]

i find the whole conversation around self-dxing to be interesting too because while self-dxing can indeed be dangerous and bad, on the other hand i am also quite anti-psychiatry, if youve got something youve obviously got it without a diagnosis, and getting a diagnosis can be hard af

like idk i think way too many ppl push this "go get therapy go get professional help and evaluation!!!" thing all the time. as if many therapists and psychs arent stupid af, as if they cant be wrong, as if they cant further traumatize someone, as if they can't be smart and kind ppl but Still get things wrong. and as if the entire psych system for the most part isnt fucked in manyyy ways...... like... yea, if you can and find a good one go i guess depending on circumstance... but you better take everything they say with a grain of salt too, wtf

.... yes teenagers and in general young ppl self diagnoing themselves with 2000 things is harmful. they may be doing it either for attention, because its cool and trendy, bc theyve actually got histrionic or mauchausens, bc theyre pathologizing normal human reactions, or bc theyve not done enough actual research and went off of articles which explain things in such a way that frankly most humans would relate. or they may confuse disorders among each other, or they may not be pragmatic enough abt it. yes this is a huge issue. weve got 20000 teenagers and young adults and even some adults running around saying theyve got turrets or did or autism or bpd or ocd or whatever the hell is trendy. psych wards for symptoms and conditions (which are themselves often imperfect) have been watered down to an extreme and are thrown around. therapy talk is being used to make excuses for behavior which should not be excused

...... at the same time. yea self diagnosis isnt inherently harmful all the time. the ppl who say otherwise and are 2000% certain only docs can tell u shit arent skeptical enough of docs. with some things its obvious. i didnt need any doctor to tell me i had anorexia nervosa or bulimia lmaoooo that shit was obvious and clear as day. i didnt need to be told i had bpd, i caught on at a young age i had it, and bc i neither could go to therapy nor wanted to, i spend years understanding that disorder on every which side and way and recovering from it myself. it saved my life. i dont even wanna know how bad things would have been if i didnt accept i had that and understood it - and yea, i didnt need no doctor to tell me to know. and low and behold, docs agree i used to have bpd, still hsve some symptoms, but have mostly recovered from it. funnily enough i caught onto having some sort of osdd/did years ago, than denied it completely to myself for years, than i couldnt ignore it and deny it anymore. ended up getting a diagnosis for that too. :/ i figured i had adhd for years on end but docs either thought it was something else or i wouldn't bring it up much. low and behold i have a diagnosis and the high doses of adhd meds i can handle without feeling st all "drugged out" are proof that i do actually have adhd

if anything lmaoo i have personal experience with having a crazy psych. a woman who mistook cptsd&osdd/did for bipolar disorder, gave me drugs literally illegally which ate at my body and told me not to tell anyone, and also yelled at me that i was crazy. had a therapist who thinks being molested makes ppl homosexual and that step-parent sexual attraction is normal on some level.....;;;; like;;;;;;..... yea. the psychs and therapists arent some sort of final say people. they can be crazy and they can be wrong

and the idea that Inherently someone with bpd, or did/osdd or whatever else Cant Know of their disorder before being told (tho the latter was actually suggested to me many yrs ago by someone) is just. wrong and harmful frankly. yea in some cases pls dont know, or theyre in extreme denial (like with anorexia). but not with all. not with all. 👀 my psychs found it surprising how self aware i was, impressive, but they did not think this was some sort of disqualification

idk. yea. like. theres definetely issues around self-dex especially in the hell were living today but acting like its Always Inherently Bad and Will Never Help and docs are some sort of authority who are the only ones with some say... ,,,, yeaaaa. no. that's also dangerous

[pastempomat]

i don't remember if i made more in depth post about whadda wrong with me since outpatient so i'm gonna sum it up a bit please don't read this it's long and whiny and not interesting

so. when i first went to a psychiatrist at 15 i think i was told i have depression nothing more. suicide attempt, 2 months at psych ward and i got depression + anxiety + something about how my personality is not developing properly idk how to adequately translate that

got back to my 1st psychiatrist, 2 hospital stays with her as my doctor, getting diagnosis of just depression + anxiety with her telling me i don't have any kind of personality disorder

left for uni, couple different psychiatrists for couple of reasons, went crazy, got to my current doctor. after 2 years with her she gave me a personality disorder diagnosis (with depression + anxiety) when i was starting therapy but told me it'd be better if a therapist gave her diagnosis which one

therapist said bpd, worked with me on that for a year and recommended group therapy (outpatient) as a good thing for me bc i had trouble with fear of other ppl, was supposed to go back to her after

outpatient: 3 months of group therapy where a lot of shit went down god that was fuckin insane when i think about what happened there n where i was told i don't talk enough about myself, got npd diagnosis with nothing more + an explanation it wasn't enough time for a proper diagnosis but that's what they see

big breakdown on my side, thought about suicide bc from what i generally understood from their description of me i was just a bad person so i was afraid i will hurt other people and wanted to take myself out

went back to my doctor, she got mad at that diagnosis bc she said i might have some narcissistic traits but that's not the main problem so bpd is more accurate dx n also i should get the usual depression with anxiety dx bc it's not hard to see

since then i'm in my hometown taking care of my mom during her cancer treatment and i kinda spiralled bc i don't know what to do. i stopped talking to people irl about my general mental state bc it feels like i'm being a narcissist asking for attention and manipulating people that way so i was mostly posting about it here but it also felt wrong for me to dump it on others so i tried to stop with not really impressive results as u can see

very long story short: i don't know what's wrong with me, idk why i'm not responding to treatment, i'm a weak thing who can't feel okay for more than an hour and i don't want to make others miserable so that's why i'm posting dramatic shit on tumblr dot com and then i delete it ://

so if you see me crying here don't treat me really seriously i was feeling terrible when i started writing this now i'm just numb and tired bc another mood swing came by 😐

[tonypostt]

the anecdote

so this became something a lot different than what i intended . at first i wanted to talk about how BPD has affected my life in the past month and kind of saying something about it mostly because there are folks i haven't talked to in a while that still follow my tumblr and so i thought i was just gonna write out a small thing that was more liek an explanation as to why i'm sometimes really scared to reach out because of Newly-Understood BPD Reasons:tm: but now i'm just kinda liek . if anyone is having trouble with understanding quiet BPD , mayhaps this could be an anecdotal resource . idk . or if someone is in denial about their BPD whether they're quiet or not , maybe hearing my story can help . Also disclaimer i'm not a doctor im just a mentally ill guy JLKSDGFSDH

under the cut is my recent journey in understanding my BPD behaviors after 21 years of being undiagnosed . warning for some discussion of suicide and self-harm mostly bc of recounting stuff .

i was recently diagnosed with BPD and liek . It's so refreshing to have an answer after years upon years of thinking that i had to monitor every interaction i had with someone and filter everything through five thousand lenses to see if they hate me Isn't because i'm crazy or a bad person .

see , i thought i didn't have the token "black and white" thinking of BPD . i was so engrossed in stigma of what "typical BPD" looks like that i didn't even take it into account . that was mostly because i didn't outwardly show these symptoms - they were directed at myself rather than anyone else . in all honesty i thought my relationships were very stable . i was VERY wrong .

the term "quiet BPD" has come up to me before , but the main thing that was stopping me from considering it was the aforementioned thinking . i didn't realize that it was the same black and white thinking even when it comes to thinking about myself . i eventually found out that i didn't understand BPD on a fundamental level . i talked about this with both of my partners , and whalla , i was diagnosed by my therapist .

i would continuously have episodes of intense self-hatred and being convinced that i was the issue . i was constantly comparing the actions of my friends to actions they had performed at another point and instantly thinking that it was because of me . from my understanding , that's what makes BPD "quiet" .

my therapist opened up the DSM-5 book he had , and told me to raise my hand if any of these symptoms applied .

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

i thought i didn't have abandonment trauma . for some reason , i thought that i had to have been abandoned by my parents or something , or went through an abusive breakup , for that to happen . while the latter Did very much happen multiple times , i didn't even take into account that me being exiled from friend groups was on the same level . one thing i found out is that i keep playing down my trauma because it happened to me . in fact , i keep consistently playing down all of my entire situation . i guess the thing was , i didn't even see abandonment as a motivating factor for my emotions or feelings . it was not the primary thing in my brain , but it was still there . abandonment or the fear of me being abandoned seemed to be the root of my actions , such as me isolating myself or "repenting for my sins" in some way . it took me a LONG time to realize this .

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

i thought this would've been an automatic "no" for me over a month ago . this was me still being engrossed in stigma: that for me to actually have BPD , i had to be screaming at people and constantly cutting them off or fighting with them . thing is , i did this , but internally . i didn't even consider the possibility of this even being a Thing . if words aren't said , are they really words ? i'd isolate myself intentionally without word or explanation , or otherwise be emotionally cut off from someone and was just only barely holding onto caring about them . or i'd be Telling myself that i didn't care about them , and subsequently panic and try to prove that i do care . Or i would be really nice friends with someone in a server , and then they say One Bad Thing (usually isn't even bad , just something that ticks my brain off) and suddenly i'm going down a spiral of how much i hate them and want them out of my life . or i'd be convincing myself they intend to hurt me . but none of this stuff would come out at all . i'd talk about it with no one unless i was ultimately backed up into a corner and i couldn't deal with the paranoia anymore , which rarely happened Because i would Also convince myself that By Having These Emotions i was a bad person because i was blowing things out of proportion , and then further fed into my feelings of self-hatred and self-harm . which is the Primary Thing about quiet BPD . i also often fall off with friends that i used to talk to a lot for a variety of reasons , but the most common thing appears to be liek . Not being replied to ? or changes in how they're talking . But the thing is that i catastrophize and take responsibility for the fact that they aren't talking , when it could literally be for any reason Unrelated to me .

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

i have DID , and it is Pretty Fucking Clear:tm: that we have DID as well . i figured my identity was unstable because of said DID . thing is , i have So much identity confusion that ness doesn't have . honestly i figured i was polyfrag because of how exclusive it felt to me . but it doesn't feel like your typical DID identity confusion at all , at least not the type i experience . i regularly second-guess aspects of myself , if i'm "really" who i say i am - it's more targeted than anything , the "doubt" of me being tony is different than the "question" of me being tony . and it was often supplemented with "am i changing ? am i just an asshole now ?" and other negative thoughts liek that . these can also exist in DID alone and it's possible that these may be Exacerbated because of DID , but it's just significant that there's identity confusion Not caused by The People In My Brain .

4. Impulsivity in at least two potentially self-damaging areas (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

this has definitely changed over the years but . it took me a while to realize my impulsive spending and my binge eating are . well . Impulsive spending and binge eating But the thing is , i thought those weren't "bad" enough to be considered self-destructive behavior . They Obviously Are . but also i didn't even realize that the explosions of self-hatred and saying some really awful shit about myself because it felt like The Only Explanation counted under this . i didn't realize the sensory deprivation counted under this . Not to mention a lot of shit that i did as a teenager

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

this was a LOT more outward when i was an early teen , but i considered myself "clean" for a long time because it had been years since i had made any attempt or any serious gesture or plan .... but evaluating my behaviors over the past couple years , and Also analyzing the points where i felt suicidal , they were usually always Outbursts ... and especially looking in the past few years , where i have very , very much recovered from the majority of my suicidal tendencies , i notice that my suicidal emotions are only out of anger and hatred for myself ; feeling like nature was trying to kill me when i was young and that i was upsetting the balance of the earth by survivng , and in order to stop everything going wrong , i had to die . but those feelings only occurred within those outbursts of me splitting - though , i should probably mention that the delusion of "me being a rotting corpse" is very consistent even when i'm not splitting , and is something i can usually just talk about regularly . i dont know how much it coincides with my feelings of "Nature Tried To Kill Me So I Have To Die" but it doesn't Cause me to be suicidal when i mention it . also i'll talk about splitting a bit further down .

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days).

again , i thought this had to be Outward and In A Specific Type Of Thing for me to "actually" have BPD . the truth is , i was so deep in denial that i didn't even notice the mood swings . i didn't even notice that me being cynical and in crisis mode for three hours and then suddenly being calm the second i finally distract myself was Exactly This . in fact , a lot of the time i felt as if i needed to Not distract myself because i "deserved" to "face the fact that i'm a horrible person" or whatever , which was just my brain's way of manipulating me into feeding back into the spiral . i also never thought of these episodes as "splitting" . i thought i was just having a breakdown and that was it . thing is , these episodes were Common . So common to the point where if i realized i had already had one lately and went to a vent channel to see that it was only liek three days since my last one , i would straight up just shut down those emotions or continue to beat myself up over random shit liek me venting too much or disturbing other people . and i was also very picky with who i vented to because i needed someone to understand that these thoughts weren't rational but it's what my brain was telling me was the Absolute Truth . and THAT is the black and white thinking , i realized - not being able to accept any other answer or think in a different mindset other than Splitting Mode . i would often say that i put myself in my disabled position because i'm not doing enough to help myself , that if i'm making all of it up and there's no physical reason for me to be unable to go outside , get a job and accomplish all of my goals (and also ignoring all of the valid arguments to justify giving myself grace for this) . another common one was "i experienced the same things everyone else did in school growing up so why was school so disabling for me" which . Hold your horses sir you did NOT experience the same things everyone else did . Your school was ableist , you were regularly bullied and you were routinely emotionally abused no matter what grade you were in . and that's ONLY the school part ! point is , when i'm splitting , rational thought just goes out the window . that's true for all splitting (usually) , but it always has something to do with Me .

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

god . This . I also have the tendency to oversimplify how my depression affects me , but i thought the feelings of emptiness was Just that: depression . maybe even DID . i have two emotional states: completely empty or experiencing something incredibly intense . I have a lot of amnesia about my life and this is something that happens over an extended part of my life , but it's just . UOuagh

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

again with splitting . i thought it had to be Outward . i thought i had to be constantly fighting with people and starting shit with others . and i didn't want to seem angry because , growing up , anger was shown to me to be a "bad" emotion , and i didn't want to be a bad person . so whenever i had instances of anger , i would harm myself in some way , and this goes on top of the self-hatred i Already feel while splitting . all of it is so internal , but it's The Same Thing . if there's anything i'ved learned about quiet BPD , it's that these are the same things , just manifested differently .

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

this . These delusions are the reason why i thought i had schizophrenia . Fuck it , maybe i still do , i'm still figuring out all of this shit , but they are a pain in the ASS . i went to a neuropsych and they said i had all of the positive symptoms but none of the negatives . this should've tipped me off to BPD (in fact , they actually diagnosed me with "other specified personality disorder" , which i should've put more thought into but instead i ended up antagonizing the doctor for "not seeing anything" , Which is also a BPD thing now that i type it good gorgd) but it didn't . these delusions persisted and were Consistently centered around relationships i have with other people . And for Being paranoid about my friends , i would consistently convince myself that i was horrible for not trusting them and that i'm just acting "entitled" . and it made it ALL worse .

but the thing is:

i never told anyone . i couldn't . if i told them , i was a bad person for trying to manipulate them . i couldn't show these emotions , and I'M at fault for feeling them in the first place .

I'M the issue . I'M at fault . the issue isn't THEM , it's ME . there is something inherently wrong with ME .

and thus is the main train of thought of quiet BPD . even if it is completely irrational and untrue , you are Convinced it is the case .

i hope this post helped those who are confused about quiet BPD or confused about my personal behavior if we havent talked for a billion years JKSDFGKDHJ

[littleoddwriter]

hi! can i request (only if you feel comfortable, if not its totally fine, ignore this!) some trans roman? and maybe victor helping him with his dysphoria?

Dysphoria | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz | ZsaszMask

Hey! :) Gosh, yes, of course! Thank you so much for this request, you have no idea how excited I got when I read it! I absolutely projected on Roman and thought about him being trans a lot over the last year. So, of course, most of what is written here have been my own experiences, projected on him (not 100% the same, ofc, but--- yeah. I'm pre-everything for example, so, that's already not accurate, but other things that I'm not gonna point out here). Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this, mate! <3

summary; Roman is trans and some day into everything, his dysphoria thought to fuck him over more than usual. Victor helps him through it.

notes; TW // Gender Dysphoria; Mentions of Periods (one sentence); Past Child Abuse (being beaten); Transphobia (nothing explicit, but-); Crying; Self-Harm (punching); Dissociation; essentially Roman's having a BPD Episode bc I always write him having BPD even if not explicitly stated. Trans!Roman, who is on T, but hasn't had Top Surgery, yet. Hurt/Comfort; Showering (mentioned); Cuddling; Kissing; Reassurance; Victor being a good BF.

From the day on that his body has- developed further, Roman’s known that it wasn’t right, that something about the way his body has changed was so utterly and terribly wrong. He hadn’t been able to put his finger on it for a long time, uneducated as he’d been, no thanks to his parents who’ve made sure he’d never be exposed to such things.

So no, of course he hadn’t realised that he wasn’t crazy, but in fact experiencing gender dysphoria.

The understanding and connection he felt with other boys, but not with girls; the way he desperately tried to hide his curves when they started to be visible; the way he thought he was dying, when he first menstruated; the way he’s been crying and feeling such burning rage, when he’s looked at his naked form in the mirror; the way he’s thought that if he was a boy, he’d be happier.

He’s not known for a long time that this was an experience a surprising amount of people have made before him, alongside him.

When he’s finally found people describing their own experiences and learned through those that he truly wasn’t alone with his feelings, he also started to gather more information on the right terminology: Transgender; Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria; Binding; Packing; Social and/or Medical Transition; Hormone Replacement Therapy; Top Surgery; Bottom Surgery; Bottom Growth, and so forth.

Roman marvelled at the possibilities for him to bring out the man inside of him to the outside world, for others to see and recognise. He’s been so ecstatic, doing all kinds of research into it and starting to slowly carry it out to the world around him.

Unfortunately, that hadn’t gone over very well at all. He’s gotten to feel his father’s strength, balled into fists, for the first time in a couple of years, after he’s stated his refusal to wear a dress to the gala because it made him uncomfortable. He’s cut his hair shorter just before that, too, which had upset his parents greatly.

Still, he hadn’t let them deter him. Then he was on his own until he was an adult and able to move out. He’d deal with it somehow. It was fine.

And it really had been fine for a while – up until he’s gathered all his courage to come out to his parents, actually.

Surprisingly, his father hadn’t beaten him into a pulp, like he’d expected. Instead – and really, for Roman this was a lot worse than the beating – his parents had kicked him out and written him out of their will, pulling the plug on him ever receiving another cent of the family’s fortune. He’d been allowed to take his things with him until the late night and then he’d been supposed to be out for good. That was exactly what he’d done, too.

Lucky for him, though, he’s opened a bank account a while ago, setting aside most of his allowance there, just to be safe. Although, frankly, he’s done it to pay for hormones and surgery with it, but that was alright. He’d get that money back eventually, so much more than that, too.

Years later, he’s finally come to the point, where he’s changed his name and sex on all documents, now he’s officially been registered as Roman Beauvais Sionis. It was euphoric, really. He’s also started Hormone Replacement Therapy, and it worked out brilliantly for him.

Still, he’s not had Top Surgery, yet. Why? Well, he was scared for one. He didn’t fucking trust doctors, either. And somewhere along the way, he’s become so conscious of having an immaculate looking body that he just didn’t want to ruin it with surgical scars under his pectorals. It had to sound silly to some people, since his chest dysphoria wasn’t exactly light either, but every time he so much as thought about it and informed himself about it, he ended up with a fucking panic attack. So he’s put it on the back burner for the time being.

It hasn’t really bothered him too much, yet. He worked well with sports bras, binders, and tapes, sometimes nothing at all either, albeit rarely.

His partner in crime (and more), Victor Zsasz, who he’s met about two years ago, has taken it in stride that Roman wasn’t a ‘typical man’ and he was secretly grateful for it. It’s been something he’s always been cautious of, but fortunately Zsasz wasn’t typical by any means either. He didn’t care what was between Roman’s legs or on his chest, as long as it was Roman and no one else. Charming, really.

One late afternoon, though, Roman’s been feeling a little off all day long. It wasn’t anything new; his moods fluctuated between extremes very quickly all the time. Still, he could very well live without days on which he’s felt as though his skin was too tight and like he was one very minor inconvenience away from breaking down crying.

He’s gone to take a shower, washing off the day’s grime before changing into something more comfortable. All business meetings for the day had been taken care of by then and with the way he’s been feeling, he’s made no plans on going downstairs to oversee his club.

After his shower – throughout which he’s kept his eyes closed for most of it, having taught himself to navigate through it mostly without seeing at all by then – it’s all come to a tipping point, apparently.

Still naked, his eyes swept over the mirror, glancing at his own body quickly.

Roman’s been working out since he’s gone on testosterone, making sure his body looked more and more masculine as the years have passed. He was pleased with the progress he’s made.

But when he caught that glimpse of his chest, he stopped short. Overwhelming sadness, disgust and rage broke through to the surface, suffocating him all too suddenly.

Quickly, he pulled the light grey cotton shirt over his head, making sure it sat loose enough. He looked back into the mirror.

It was as though suddenly all masculinity had been stripped off him.

He could see the curves on his chest, his shirt not loose enough to cover them up entirely without anything binding them. He’s stopped binding all day long a while ago, having started to feel more comfortable, thanks to Victor and the hormones’ affects. It didn’t change the fact that in this very moment, it was all too visible – his previous femininity.

Roman kept on looking, all aforementioned emotions overwhelming him more and more, so quickly and suddenly, practically choking him from inside.

And then he was screaming.

He was crying, sobbing violently.

He was punching his thighs first and then the mirror, cracking it.

All of a sudden he was stopped from continuing.

His wrists were being held in a strong grip.

His vision was blurry.

He was still convulsively sobbing and shaking.

“Roman.” It sounded so far away, almost distorted, but he could tell it was Victor. His Victor.

“Roman, hey. Look at me.” It was becoming clearer with every word.

Snivelling still, Roman tried his best to focus on coming back, on looking at his partner. The tight grip Zsasz had on his wrists helped grounding him more easily, more quickly. Fresh tears rolled down his red, puffy cheeks, but it cleared his vision a little. He looked straight into Victor’s beautiful deep, yet empty, brown eyes.

“You’re okay, Roman. I’ve got you. I promise,” Zsasz assured him, sounding so calm and so convinced of his promise.

Roman nodded jerkily, although he didn’t believe Victor entirely.

Then Roman tried to get his arms out of Zsasz’s hold, which he tightened at first, but let him go eventually. He must’ve seen how worked up Roman was getting.

Finally released, Sionis wrapped his arms around Victor, embracing him tightly, pressing himself against him, so that nothing could possibly get between them. Zsasz immediately reciprocated and put his arms around Roman’s waist, holding onto him, while he started crying again, the violent sobs shaking his entire body, cries of anguish leaving his lips. His voice sounded so abused, so raw and broken.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you, boss. I’m here for you, Roman,” Victor shushed him, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

After a while, Roman started to calm down, his snivels dying down to quiet hiccups, tears having long stopped to actually fall.

He released Zsasz from the embrace and rubbed his hands over his face, groaning frustrated. It was so wet. He was disgusted. He turned towards the sink and washed his face with cold water, rubbing it dry with his towel.

He didn’t spare another look into the mirror.

Afterwards, Roman and Victor walked over to their bed, lying down on it. Roman cuddled into his partner, burying his face in the crook of his scarred neck, wrapping his arms around his waist and tangling their legs. Zsasz put his right arm around Roman’s shoulders and with the other one’s hand he held onto his forearm over his own stomach, stroking his thumb over the soft skin there in soothing circles.

“D’you wanna tell me what happened?” Victor asked quietly.

“Fucking gender dysphoria is what happened,” Roman murmured against Zsasz’s skin, sounding agitated, still.

Victor sighed sadly.

“You know it’s lying to you, Roman. You’re a man. Doesn’t fucking matter what your biological sex is or whatever.”

Roman scoffed, “But I’m not a real man. I was a fucking- I can’t even say it,” another frustrated groan, “I looked into the mirror and all I could see was-“

“No,” Victor interrupted him, “Roman, you are a real man. Whatever you thought you saw in the mirror wasn’t real. Your mind’s playing tricks on you to make you feel bad about yourself. You’re as much as a man as me. Or literally any other fucking guy here in Gotham, more so than some of them, too. I promise.”

“You really think so?” Roman nearly whispered, lifting his head to look at his partner, assessing him.

“Yes,” was Victor’s simple answer, such conviction in his eyes and voice, it was palpable – it took Roman’s breath away.

Roman nodded, “’Kay,” he paused for a long moment; then he leaned down and kissed Victor on his full lips, a very small smile stretching his own, “Thank you.”

He rarely ever said ‘thank you’ to anyone at all, but he knew it was the only appropriate response he had for Zsasz’s constant reassurance – his help.

Instead of saying anything else, they started kissing, tenderly making out and enjoying each other’s company, warmth, and mere presence.

Roman may not have always felt complete security about his identity, but he’s never been alone with it either. Victor’s unfailingly been staying by his side, fending off bigots, unbelievers and even his own mind day in and out.

He couldn’t possibly find the right words for just how grateful he was.

He thought that no words could even come close to describing it.

[sortagaysortahigh]

Sometimes I think that everyone in my life thinks I’m broken and I’m the only one who finally thinks I’m whole-all of my physical, mental, and emotional scars might be there and sure some are more obvious than others but I’m whole. Like they want me to be fixed but truthfully you can never fix something that was broken-it’ll never be back in it’s original state but thats okay. Sometimes things come out even more beautiful in the end-kinda like Kintsugi art.

Not to get emo on the dash or whatever but I think when I genuinely learned that I wasnt my bpd or that any of my mental illnesses defined me and confined me to a box and a space I think that I really started to love myself and to want to keep experiencing things and seeing myself grow y’know? Bc you never see how much youve grown until you look back on things. Like 2015 me? God I was so fucked up in 2015 and I was teetering on the edge so fucking often because I thought I was my mental illness, I’d spent my entire life conditioned to believe that I was every negative thing about myself andeven after going through some rough shit and making it out I never really grew past that. It took me years to get to where I am now with my mental health but shit man it was all worth it. All that pain and hurt and genuine confusion over who the fuck I even was outside of all of the negatives, shit man the amount of therapy I had to go through? The treatments? The restless nights? The hospital visits? The psych ward and those rucking slanted door knobs and rubber lined socks? God damn life is fucking crazy and has a way of fucking you so hard that you have no choice but to take it. This isnt even one of my usual motivational ass posts its just genuinely me. Ive been in so much pain in my life that I wouldnt wish on anyone-not even my worst enemy but god damn I’m thankful for all of it. As fucked up as it is to say I’m thankful for my trauma-I am. My trauma made me who I am today, my trauma motivates me to take care of myself and to be there for others when they cant be there for themselves. My trauma reminds me of who I was in the past, and it shows me who I am now-it reminds me how far I’ve come and even if I didn’t deserve any of this shit, I still know how to deal with it and I know how to roll with the punches because I’m not my trauma. I’m not my menta illness, I’m not my pain. Those are all parts of me but there’s so much more and everyday I get to share that with the people I love and with strangers I’ll probably never meet again. I like to tell myself that I’m my own light in the dark, and if I can be my own light then I can help other people find theirs.

Shit isnt always easy man, sometimes I have to sit outside in the thunderstorms with my knees to my chest while I stare up at the sky because its the only thing that I can really feel in the moment-sometimes I’m so fucking numb that I cant fucking move. Sometimes I’m back to teetering on that edge and I have to just stare at it because wtf ima do? Jump? Fuck that. If i jump then what happens? If I jump I wont be able to see the sunrise tmrw or see my cat or hear the sounds of the birds chirping that always remind me how much i dont like birds. I won’t be able to listen to the same song fifty times tomorrow and I won’t be able to tell my friends about my newest crystal because I wont be there to open the package when it comes. So as shitty as it is-I stick it through because if I’ve come this far theres no point in quitting now. We all kick the bucket eventually but I still havent gotten to see olivia rodrigo in concert or found five four leaf clovers in a row or conquered my never ending fear of swimming so guess what bitches? I’m not kickin the bucket until I’m old and bitter enough to be able to sit in my front lawn and cuss out neighborhood kids for walking on the grass that Ive put little to no effort into but love regardless bc its my grass.

Idk man, find something-anything to look forward to. Or do what I do, look forward to getting to know yourself more and more every day, think about how Itll feel in five, ten, fifteen years when youre looking back on your life and can smile at how far youve come. Hold onto that sliver of light that feels so fucking far sometimes because shit man if 15 year old me did it? Then i know you can too. God that bitch was so fucked and she hated the world and felt like the world hated her too, she felt like the universe put her here as a punishment and that she’d never be enough. Sometimes i look in the mirror and I see her and all I can do is smile because look at how far we’ve come

[chrollo-tw]

Naruto Uzumaki+BPD

Naruto Uzumaki is such a misunderstood character, because many people judge him in the categories of normal, functioning person, even though he’s fucking insane, lol. I just saw someone calling him a whiny bootlicker and it pissed me off, so I had to make this post. I think everyone agrees that Naruto has adhd but I think it isn’t the only disorder he suffers from. By far I’ve encountered two people saying that they think Naruto may have bpd as well and I totally agree with them, so I decided to make a post about it. In short, if someone wouldn’t know, main symptoms of borderline personality disorder include: abandonment issues, extreme mood swings, unstable self image and relationships with other people, black and white thinking, tendency to perform risky behaviors etc. As a person with bpd myself I’ll make a rant about my own behaviors and symptoms I see in Naruto:

-bpd is the most often caused by a childhood trauma. In Naruto’s case it’s a lack of parents and ostracism he faced

-he experiences extremely intense emotions, he’s very impulsive, because he doesn’t control his emotions, they control him instead. that’s why he often acts without thinking it through.

-he feels like he constantly needs to prove himself, that he has to earn people’s love and acceptance. he’s desperate to get people’s attention.

-i always felt that i need to become a super famous person one day, because it’s the only way people are going to aknowlage me. does it remind you about something? naruto’s dream of becoming hokage is rooted in his insecurites, traumas and the compulsive need to be seen by others.

-crying and screaming like a small child when he is frustrated, random burts of anger. it’s all because he didn’t developed a healthy emotional patterns in his early childhood.

-he gets attached so quickly, he basically needs a one positive interaction to call someone a friend :p this is also a classic bpd behavior. someone is nice to me? wow, it means that we’re besties and i totally love them now!

-he idolizes people he cares about, especially when it comes to sasuke. sasuke is naruto’s favorite person. he means to him more than anyone. even though they’re other people in his life they don’t even come close to sasuke. he’s a center of naruto’s universe. all of his thoughts and feelings are focused on him. it’s so intense it causes an immense emotional pain. his happiness, his life, all of this depends on sasuke, because he’s this one person he puts above all the rest. naruto is even willing to die along with him, not considering the fact that his death could affect lives of many people. it also proves his fear of abandonment. he’ll do anything to bring sasuke back, bc he can’t stand the thought of being abandoned by the person he loves so much. it has a form of an unhleathy obsession, however what he feels is genuine. he just feels 100 times stronger than a normal person.

-there is a stereotype that people with bpd manipulate others. tbh, it’s true but not in a way people think. you see, we aren’t cunning manipulators who don’t care about other people’s feelings. we just have an emotional maturity of 5 year old kid and feel like crying and begging can solve something. it applies to naruto as well. for example: his behavior from the kage summit arc, especially the scene with raikage.

-naruto is hyper empathetic. he feels other poeple’s pain so intensively that it hurts him too. it is a bit of a self-centric behavior, sure. he projects his own pain onto them, that’s true. but it is still genuine. he relates and he wants to help them, because he does not want anyone to hurt like he does.

-he forgives people too easly, due to his black and white thinking. someone is either the best or the worst. for example: obito was an evil villian to him at first and after a few good things he did, he suddenly became the coolest guy ever, dattebayo.

-people with bpd are easly abused by others, because they have a hard time recognizing this kind of behaviors. even when they do, they forigve an abuser, after he starts acting decently again and often blame himself for what happened to them. it explains his relationship with jiraiya and how naruto still sees him as an amazing father figure, regardless of how awuflly he treated him sometimes.

-i believe naruto is depressed and suicidal. he’s just good at hiding it, because of his outgoing nature and the fact that he can be an extreme people pleaser. something i relate to as well :P

-when he is happy he is a walking, talking, breathing sunshine. the smallest things can make him feel like the happiest person alive and the smallest things can change his mood drastically again.

-he hates being ignored and gets jealous too easly

-he often participiates in risky behaviors. in contrast to crazy emotions there is emptiness. we feel so much and so deeply that when we don’t it feels wrong and unnatural, so we often do risky things like self harm, just to feel something. Remeber Naruto stabbing himself with a kunai? Or letting Karui beat his ass for no fucking reason?

Ok, i’ll stop here. I could discuss it for hours but this post is already long. I hope i explained it. I’m not a professional, i just based it on my own experience, so don't judge me, haha. This headcanon means so much to me, because people often associate bpd with some psychos and abusive yandere bitches, witch is seriously harmful and stigmatizing.

[magical-agatha]

bro im so fucked in the head its unreal. cptsd off the rails fucking ruining my life. i feel like ive got holes in my head. cant remember shit. cannot function independently. absolutely dependent on my girlfriend. but i hate myself still deep inside so even after more than 2 years of being with her im still terrified she'll leave me. she wont tho. logically i know she wont but my emotional side doesnt.

sometimes i feel like im 12 years old and bluffing. when did i grow up. i dont remember being 12. i dont remember being younger or older than 12. i dont remember high school. i have memories of high school but whos. mine? all my memories fade and bleed and melt together. time is meaningless and as tangible as an oily rope. cant hold onto it cant make sense of it. everything after 6 months is ancient history barely remembered. everything a week ago is only a bit better. no clue what i did yesterday.

i feel like. a tamagotchi. but like the one where u fuck up looking after it so it just turns into a sadder bigger blob thing. in my self hatred i feel pathetic like that. my mom broke me and now im stuck like this. idk how to recover. i want to but how much is possible. physical yes. mental? yes probably but ill always have a worse time mentally than other ppl. ptsd and bpd get better but it takes years and years and it likely will never go away completely.

i wish i lived near ppl. like. i wish i had more than just my gf to see and hear and be in the same place as. i want to live near my friends. and be more significant in their lives. spend time with them irl. lots and lots of time.

im crazy and upset and i hate my brain and i hate being irrational and i hate how detached my emotions are from reality and how detached i am from the past. my emotions get fucked up and scrambled bc i cant remember shit. and they hurt me and. build themselves and rewrite me memory so that what i remember hurts more than what actually happened. and RSD takes a running jump and cannonballs into this mess making it even worse. and somehow i have to communicate to ppl. about my emotions and problems. to ask for help or to resolve stuff.

why is she so nice. shes so patient with me but i cant communicate properly with her so even tho she cares about me infinitely im getting squashed and hurt and RSD and absolutely scrambled.

i hate distance. it makes communication so much harder. communicating is so so hard already. and scary. bc i know i dont remember things right. and ppl have used that in the past to manipulate and hirt me. and im scared of hurting ppl bc i get mixed up. and someone i used to adore, i was in love with them, i thought they were amazing, they hated me and i had no idea. they used my memory against me. gaslit me. convinced me id hurt them and twisted everything to try and make it my fault. more ppl before that did similar stuff.

and now i dont trust myself. i dont believe my own perception and experience bc ive been so thoroughly gaslit and manipulated by ppl with bad intentions. idk how to fix it. bc its like. undeniable that i often dont experience things rationally. my memory and rsd and bpd fuck me up rly hard sometimes. so how can i trust myself.

[bpd-italy]

me: i have 8/9 symptoms of bpd and the one symptom i don’t have is one i don’t even have access to because i’m only sixteen and i want to go to therapy so i can get a proper diagnosis and hopefully get treatment so i can stop ruining my own life and feeling like shit everyday.

my parents: no u just need to go outside and get some fresh air!!! u dont have bpd ur too sweet n innocent to have bpd everyone knows people with bpd are crazy psychos uwu ur normal precious baby girl just read the bible god will help u <33333

me, describing an in depth bpd symptom i have to my parents that Normal People do not deal with:

my parents: oh everyone does that honey!!! you’re normal stop trying so hard to have problems!!! not everything needs a label!!!!!

oh gee it’s almost fucking like the reason i’m so persistent on naming things is because i RECOGNIZE I HAVE A PROBLEM AND WANT TO FIX THE PROBLEM SO I CAN ACTUALLY TRY TO ENJOY THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD I HAVE SINCE I DIDN’T GET TO WHEN I REALLY WAS A CHILD

i can literally tell my mom until im blue in the face how i have all these bpd symptoms like splitting, black and white thinking, abandonment issues, uncontrollable emotions, mood swings, fps, feeling wrong and evil, chronic feelings of emptiness, recklnessness, oversharing, spontaneous suicide attempts and self harm, paranoia, obsession with literally anybody who shows me kindness, etc. but she’s just like “oh honey youre just normal not everything needs a name!!!!!!!!!”

like oh ok i guess we dont fucking need a name for breast cancer since it’s just cancer and it’s not like it makes it easier to identify things by giving them names right???? yep mental illness consists of only depression and anxiety nothing more there’s only two categories yep uwuwuwuwu

it’s not like i lost my best fucking friend who i trusted with my life and then left me with even more trust issues and tried to kill myself three times in one week because of my bpd symptoms or anything!!! it’s not like i’ve been cutting since i was ten fucking years old and need more than just a bottle of medication and sunlight to fix my fucked up brain and years of being told i’m wrong and should die until i was convinced they’re right and genuinely can’t learn to love myself

nope it’s just depression and anxiety cause everyones got depression and anxiety and nothing else fucking matters

oh and how about next time i try to talk to you about my ocd you dont fucking go “oh honey everyone does that!!!”

no mom not everyone has fucking intrusive thoughts about having sex with children or elderly people thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL THATS WHY ITS A MENTAL DISORDER HAVING A GROSS THOUGHT SOMETIMES IS NOT THE SAME AS HAVING CONSTANT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THAT YOU KNOW YOU HATE BUT CAN’T PUSH THEM AWAY AND END UP CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO ACCOMODATE TO THE THOUGHTS OR ELSE ~SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN~ OR ~THE THOUGHTS WILL BECOME TRUE~

but no you’re neurotypical as they fucking get so it doesn’t matter what i say your psychology degree means shit in this situation and you don’t seem to get that you can’t be a therapist to a person you already know :///

my medication helped my ocd tremendously but nothing has happened to help my bpd symptoms. i haven’t even gotten a fucking diagnosis so for all i know it could be something else but i’m literally 99% positive it’s bpd and i want. fucking. therapy. some kind of medication to fix my mood swings may help but it won’t magically fucking fix my brain.

and my dad’s convinced i just need to talk to him and don’t need therapy bc “he had it worse” and “knows more pain than me” and other utter fucking superior complex bullshit why do you think i dont fucking talk to either of y’all you think since you were physically abused somehow you have it worst and nobody else is allowed to hurt lmfao if you really knew pain youd know that pain isn’t a fucking competition

all my mom does is blame the fucking computer like yes the computer contributed to my problems. 3+ fucking years ago. taking it away now doesn’t mean fucking shit it’ll just make me even more isolated than i already am since i’m fucking homeschooled and have no goddamn friends and severe social anxiety.

[stupidtwinkmac]

you asked for my full psychology notes so here they are

i rewatched the entire series and wrote down all the things i thought were relevant to the characters’ psychology, theres probably some stuff missing so message me if you think i should add anything

S1e1- “The Gang Gets Racist”

Dennis wants paddys to stay a gay bar bc he likes getting validation from gay boys

“They’re really more of a blue-green”

S1e3- “Underage Drinking: A National Concern”

Dennis talks about how popular he was in high school and cries a bit when mac and charlie tell him that tim murphy slept with his prom date which is like pretty normal but it foreshadows the high school reunion episode

-

Dee goes out with a high schooler just for the validation and to live out shit she couldn't do in high school

“Wait but ive never statutory raped anyone before”

-

Mac and charlie give high schoolers a keg bc they said that mac and charlie were cool

-

Mac gets jealous that everyone got asked to a high school prom except for him

S1e7- “Charlie Gets Molested”

Mac gets jealous that he didn't get molested

“If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?”

-

charlie got molested by his uncle

S2e4- “Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom”

Dennis gets pissed that people's moms wont fuck him

“Is everyone getting laid but me?”

S2e7- “The Gang Exploits A Miracle”

Dennis starves himself for three days because Dee said his face looked fat

S3e1- “The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby”

Dennis pretends to be a hippie just to fuck some guys girlfriend because he insulted his quaff and called him a narc

S3e2- “The Gang Gets Invincible”

Dee pretends to be a guy to try out for the eagles just to prove that she can

s3e5 - “The Aluminium Monster Vs. Fatty Magoo”

Dennis goes on a Whole Thing to prove that he’s a winner and that he hasn't peaked

“I haven't even begun to peak”,  “make it work dennis… make it work”

S3e6- “The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation”

Dee does the talent show every year to validate herself

S3e11- “Dennis Looks Like A Registered Sex Offender”

Dennis obsesses over his jawline and his weight when people tell him he looks like wendell

-

Mac’s dad gets out of jail and we can see how neglectful his parents are

S4e3- “America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest”

Dennis desperately tries to prove that he’s still hot enough to be on the billboard

“I was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David”

“I realized that i don’t need validation anymore”- proves that he was just doing the billboard stuff bc of a bpd need for validation.

S4e4- “Mac’s Banging the Waitress”

Dennis gets unreasonably upset when he finds out that Charlie doesn't think he’s his best friend

-

Mac bangs the waitress to get back at Charlie for smashing his project badass tapes

S4e5- “Mac and Charlie Die Pt 1”

Dennis gets more upset that Mac and Charlie didn't include him in their suicide pact than he is about them being “dead”

S5e2- “The Gang Hits The Road”

Charlie doesn't want to go on the road trip because he’s never left philly before, he asks dennis to comfort him about his fears of bad things happening and people being assholes, he eventually freaks out and asks the hitchhiker to drop him back off at the bar

S5e10- “The D.E.N.N.I.S System”

Dennis believes that his manipulation actually makes girls fall in love with him

S6e2- “Dennis Gets Divorced”

Charlie gets real uncomfy when uncle jack tries to hug him

S6e5- “Mac and Charlie: White Trash”

Dennis tries desperately to prove that he’s high class

S6e6- “Mac’s Mom Burns Her House Down”

Charlie’s mom has OCD and Charlie also starts to pick it up

“Why are you doing everything in threes?” “Oh. So Charlie doesn't die.”

“...just playing it safe. She's been doing it. I'm still alive. Can't be crazy” “ It does feel good to do stuff in threes.”

S6e8- “The Gang Gets a New Member”

Dee gets incredibly insecure when she opens the time capsule and hasn't done what she wanted to do when she was a kid

-

Charlie gets super insecure when he thinks smitty is replacing him

S6e10- “Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats”

Charlie doesn't like leaving the bar and going out into the world

“Dee, I go to a movie or a spaghetti place with you, and out there, I'm the rat.”

Charlie has a panic attack in a sauna

“I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?” “No, you're not, Charlie.” “ I'm a rat in here! I'm a rat! I'm trapped like a - I gotta get out of here.” “I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank, 'cause I'm trapped like a rat.” Just bash me like a rat! Bash me like a rat and get it over with!”

S6e11- “The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods”

Charlie has to be knocked out with a sack over his head to be able to go to Atlantic City

“This is why i don’t leave philly alright cause when you leave philly, bad shit happens”

-

Mac starves himself for chase utley

-

“If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die at any time very quickly by the side of the road”

S6e12- “Dee Gives Birth”

Dennis yells at a nurse about Dee’s stories like he’s a god

“I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!”

-

Dee berates guys until they have sex with her

S7e1- “Frank’s Pretty Woman”

Mac gains a ton of weight and calls it packing on mass

“I went from tiny twink to the muscle bound freak you see before you”

-

Dennis admits to starving himself and literally constantly working out

“I may look relaxed but im incredibly tense at all times”

S7e2- “The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore”

Mac knocks carlie out with chloroform to get him to the jersey shore

S7e6- “The Storm of the Century”

Dennis writes a contract for the girls he plans to invite to his rape bunker

S7e7- “Chardee Macdennis: The Game of Games

Mac says that Dee tried to kill herself

S7e10- “How Mac Got Fat”

Charlie gets overwhelmed and goes in the crevice

-

Mac blames everyone else for making him fat

-

Dennis does dumb shit because he’s self conscious about getting old and looking bad

“I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me” “what expectations?” “physical perfection”

The entire chemical peel scene is a good representation of his mental disorders

S7e12- “The High School Reunion”

Dee tries to be friends with the popular people from school to validate herself

-

Mac got bullied and dealt drugs in high school

-

Charlie got bullied in school and huffed glue in the bathroom

“Everyone wants dirtgrub i'll give them dirtgrub okay i'll get high i'll get sad people can laugh at me i hate highschool man”

S7e13- “The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang’s Revenge”

The entire golden god meltdown

“Its fetish shit i like to bind i like to be bound”

“You would just come around saying shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap and referring to all of us as your minions” “You always acted like you were better than everyone else but then you would just go and hang out with ronnie the rat or dirtgrub under the bleachers”

S8e5- “The Gang Gets Analyzed”

Dennis tries to analyze the therapist

-

Mac has some real severe mood swings

The therapist talks to him about body dysmorphia

-

Dennis giving mac “size pills”

Dennis keeps psychology profiles on everyone in the gang, he started dee’s in the 2nd grade

-

Dee’s entire “tell me i’m good” scene

S8e6- “Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer”

Dennis having trouble feeling throughout the entire episode until the “my mommy’s a skeleton” “i feel to much” scene

-

Charlie being incredibly overwhelmed the entire episode, (rubbing his head at Dr. Jinx’s, Getting real upset at church)

S8e7- “Frank’s Back in Business”

Dennis pretending to be brian lefevre

“I want you to get off with me” “This is about crawling into another man’s skin”

S8e8- “Charlie Rules the World”

The entire “I Am God” sensory deprivation tank scene

Dennis blowing himself could also be symbolic but it could also just be a bit

S9e3- “The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award”

Mac getting really defensive about slight banter “i've had tons of orgasms i've had one with your mom”

S9e5- “Mac Day”

Mac is not okay with being upstaged by country mac when he jumps off the bridge and offers people weed

“there's nothing badass about breaking the law”

S9e6- “The Gang Saves the Day”

Macs fantasy is about everyone admiring his badass karate skills and dennis crying over his dead body saying that he loves him

-

Dee’s fantasy is about killing every man in the room and finally being appreciated for her acting skills and marrying someone who doesn't call her a bird

-

Dennis’ fantasy is about surviving a bullet to the head at point blank range and killing his idea of the perfect woman

S9e7- “The Gang Gets Quarantined”

Charlie’s mom got him vaccinated way too often and made him wear bubble boy suits during flu season, Charlie also still has the suits for some reason

-

“I am in perfect control of my body, if i felt myself getting sick i would simply say SICKNESS BE GONE”

*sustains a perfect G5* “does that sound like a man who needs to be in the hospital”

S10e2- “The Gang Group Dates”

Dennis obsesses over his star rating on a dating app

“I AM A FIVE STAR MAN”

-

Dee has one night stands with a whole lot of guys that she’s not really into just to give them one star ratings

S10e3- “Psycho Pete Returns”

Dennis does a whole psychopath monologue about skin luggage

“You haven't thought of the smell you bitch”

He gets diagnosed with BPD and gets medication

S10e6- “The Gang Misses the Boat”

Dennis’ whole range rover speech

S10e8- “The Gang Goes On Family Fight”

Dennis breaks down crying because of the buzzer

-

Dee starves herself to look good for the camera

S10e10- “Ass Kickers United; Mac and Charlie Join a Cult”

Dennis tries to prove that he’s the best at manipulating people

S11e3- “The Gang Hits the Slopes”

Charlie brings up his agoraphobia shit again

“See, this is why I don't like leaving Philly, man. This is nuts.”

S11e4- “Dee Made a Smut Film”

Dennis got raped by a librarian in high school when he was 14

“I was in an older woman that’s cool right?”

S11e9- “The Gang Goes to Hell”

Dee manipulates guys into having sex with her

“So ill insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and he got a call from the sheriff”

S11e10- “The Gang Goes to Hell: Part Two”

Charlie has a panic attack about the boat sinking and dennis calms him down

“I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise. I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly! And then, you know, you guys drag me to this, you drag me to that, and next thing I know, I-I'm stuck in a box on a sinking ship!”

-

Dennis keeps onions in his pocket so that he can cry when he needs to

S12e3- “Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy”

Bonnie doing everything in threes so that charlie doesn't die

-

“I just can't enjoy it when the people being filmed, know they're being filmed”

S12e7- “PTSDee”

Charlie and dennis bonding over their trauma

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Dee tries to ruin a guys life bc he said she was his rock bottom

S12e8- “The Gang Tends Bar”

“I have big feelings, and it hurts”

[10-20am]

I know what he means but…

had a talk around cluster b disorders with my fiancé, as I suffer from BPD. he’s always made it very clear he loves me as a whole package, not just for my best moments, and although I have rarely shown him what it’s like except for a few times (I tend to shut down more than react nowadays), he’s been with me through all of those. we started a conversation about how he too seems to display some of those symptoms such as an intense fear of abandonment and behavior that goes with it, very similar to how I was when I didn’t yet have therapy or a proper diagnosis. it has taken me years to be where I’m at and to “correct” this behavior with a more logical response on the outside, even if on the inside there’s so much to work on it’s crazy. either way he was talking about some of the telltale signs such as people ending up having trouble with the law and ending up in jail, and he OBVIOUSLY immediately said “I don’t want to be like that”. I know what he meant and I totally agree. who would wish to go to jail and lose control of themselves? however a part of me broke immediately, and luckily it was a phone call or he would’ve seen me sobbing in the span of seconds. he didn’t notice bc I tried to be SO quiet and breathe slowly instead, but my face was so wet it was hard to think. after I had calmed down a little I had tried to explain that I knew what he meant and I could take that kind of sentence, but to please be mindful if he was ever around people with similar personality disorders or the same bc it can be really hurtful. I felt like a piece of shit bc I know what he meant but I can only imagine what this would feel like on a younger me, freshly diagnosed with all the issues in the world with yet another person saying it’s so bad to be me the thought saddens them and scares them. I know it might not be rational but I know that when you feel hurt there’s very little to be rational about. I was calm when I said this and asked him to be a bit more mindful, and it took me a lot of courage to do so. he immediately started explaining himself saying he didn’t want to hurt me and he exclusively meant those things that he had read on the ASPD column, saying and reminding me how he always thought I was perfect (which he really says a lot and reminds me of when I’m at my weakest) and in his eyes I always was and would always be. he’s such a great human being and the LOML but maybe it’ll take some time before I can accept those compliments. I tried to brush it off as me trying to be funny but my brain and my mouth legitimately couldn’t get themselves to comply whenever he said “you’re absolutely perfect to me”. I kept quietly sobbing asking myself if I was even lovable let alone perfect and was lowkey shaking. I kept saying “no, you are!” like we always do but man was I in extreme pain from having to act like I wasn’t hurt. then he finally got to work so the call had to end and he kept saying that he loved me and I was perfect so I tried my best to compose myself and act normal bc I wanted him to have a good day. after the call was over I had to put my hand over my mouth and pray no one heard me because I was crying so loudly I thought I was literally going to disintegrate in a pool of my own tears. I don’t know how the rest of the day will go but man do I feel unloveable and irrational.

[seaalien]

I’m still in the process of working it all out but. My professors would endlessly talk about how a diagnosis doesn’t mean anything and might be harmful to the patients if they know it. And I would endlessly argue that how the fuck do you know how to help yourself if you don’t know what you’re helping. But the deeper into life I get (specifically I had these views when I was first getting better/still relatively new to a normal adderall schedule) it’s like. I’ve never actually been diagnosed with anything other than adhd but I’ve been treated for the general depression/anxiety/bipolar/bpd that every crazy 20 something girl gets treated for and. A diagnosis wouldn’t have mattered. I used to think it would bc then I’d have something to rabbit hole my research down but in hindsight, treating it wouldn’t be different either way. You treat symptoms, not “a diagnosis”, and symptoms constantly overlap. Obviously there’s situations where this doesn’t necessarily work and a diagnosis is necessary. But for the most part, they were right.

But it took me a few years to really understand this. And I say this now bc I feel like we’re really at a point with mental health where we all want answers and things to fit in a box and diagnostic criteria is more common knowledge than it used to be and it’s turned a corner towards harmful. Like, of course it’s helpful to know the signs of certain disorders and how to treat them and that uh anxiety manifests a certain way and this is the best practice to treat it but when a diagnosis can and will change depending on the dr and what they’ve... been exposed to, are baiased towards, know the most about, are thinking of at the time... and.. what the patient has told the dr ETC! And with mental states being so subjective and varying depending on a million different life situations. It’s not like you break your arm and need a cast. It’s not so black and white.

And that, I think, is where the problem really lies. Diagnostic criteria really really helps when you’re studying things and writing papers. It helps bc you can’t bring a drug through trials and eventual approval unless you have a set of behaviors/thoughts etc on paper you are trying to overcome. And we all want concrete answers and solutions. That’s just literally never ever going to happen when it comes to mental health. When so many of our problems stem from the world we grow up in (family, neighborhoods, abuse, education, access to resources, friends, drug use, tbh media use and exposure, and so on) how can we expect medicine to fix it? How can we expect a few (helpful, therapeutic) conversations to result in lasting change? It’s not going to happen. And the further we medicalize (I know) these types of things, the harder it will be for us all to understand each other.

I say this bc it feels like we’ve all been boxed in. You don’t know and can’t speak on mental health UNLESS you’ve been diagnosed seven times from a panel of drs and have the paperwork to prove it. No. Idk it’s so annoying how everyone thinks they know what they’re talking about now bc they’ve like seen an info graphic on depression on Instagram or whatever. I don’t really know what my point or answer to this all is! It’s just frustrating to see everyone treat mental health as either fixed by self care or something you can never get past that completely defines your life. Like there are small little things you can do that’ll help that EVEN IF you have nothing “wrong” with you, they’ll still help! And you probably should still do!

Idk is it gatekeeping that I’m annoyed at? Like you’re not fucked up enough you shouldn’t use my coping mechanism. Probably that’s my point? Idk i just feel like this obsession with finding a diagnosis and tbh on mental health in some circles is damaging. Focus on making your life better. On solving problems as they arise instead of all at once. Think of what thoughts/actions fuck YOU up and what YOU can do to change instead of making this all universal. To some extent, we’re just too fucking self aware.

[haleyjames]

did i just imagine it or did kelly say she wasn't going to give apologies to greyfaces? you're not a grey face. you're someone she knows for a fact that she hurt. has she come to try to apologize to you again? for what she said today about your mental health or to try to apologize again for stuff from before? has she apologized to hayley whose talked about her once in the past and multiple times today? has she apologized to the people who like the asks posted about her on your blog? - part 1

i’m posting these together bc i’m finally answering on my laptop instead of mobile but

she tried to apologise to me ONCE and it must’ve been like.... a year and a half ago, maybe? i might have the full conversation still in my messages somewhere or on my old blog. i can dig around to show you if you like. from what i remember it was so manipulative and gaslighty and just trying to shift blame that i p much laughed at it. when she first did wrong by me at wilmington, like when she was LITERALLY bitching about me behind my back and talking shit about me, my character, my writing and my character’s relationships/friendships on the dash, SHE MADE ME APOLOGISE!!!!! she completely manipulated me into being the bad person when i literlally had done nothing wrong asgfhgjfl; 

so yeah, that’s some history there on my part. she actually has me blocked, so i couldn’t even reblog her post today and say anything to it. i made these two posts (here and here) in reference to what she had said. beth also reblogged her post and replied bc she wasn’t blocked for some reason.

her comment today, which i’ll just c/p here the specifics, was so truly disgusting. i’ll give some background.

but i’m sorry, amanda, i’ve changed. it’s kind of crazy to me, because honestly, i dont look at your blog but i’ve been told about the posts you make about you want to die and you wish you weren’t born and truthfully, it breaks my heart because i’ve been there. for the past six years, i’ve wanted the same. and no one has hated me as much as i did.

it was my birthday a few days ago. my day started off really shit and i had made a personal post that i only kept up for a few hours that basically said “my birthday is a reminder that i’m alive and i wish i hadn’t been born”. i’m pretty vocal on here about my mental health issues and chronic suicidality. anyway, i deleted the post after a few hours, so what kelly is saying is: i don’t look at you blog, but my friends saw the post you made about wishing you weren’t born that was only up for a few hours, and they told me about it bc we like discussing your mental health and wish you hadn’t been born, either. that’s what i fucking got out of it. never have i said anything about kelly’s mental health or the fact that she was raped, except for the fact that she incorrectly uses it as an excuse and a scapegoat and how dangerous and harmful that is on so many levels. the fact that one of her or her friends saw my post and thought to share it around between them is disgusting, and then for her to BRING IT UP in a post about me just proves what type of person she is. she has not changed. that was so manipulative and abusive and disgusting. it made me sick today. i knew she was an evil person, but that’s next level i didn’t think she’d stoop to PUBLICLY.

she literally just proved to everybody she hasn’t changed. she was like “my mental health was bad so i was a bad person” and then tried to throw MINE in my face. i have huge trauma, i have bpd. am i a fucking cunt to people??? do i ever use it as an excuse on here??? i’m still reeling over it tbh. and that one of her followers replied to it saying she was brave for posting that??? it’s literally so fucking sickening. she won’t apologise to me. she still thinks she’s done nothing wrong, she still thinks her past trauma is justification for her actions when her behaviour in the tumblr rpc is completely unrelated. she says she’s willing to apologise to people, but i haven’t seen it ANYWHERE. every single person i talk to, and you can assume how many that is by the size of my rpc tag, but also just IMAGINE what my dms look like lmao, every single person i talk to has issues with her. they’ve never received apologies or seen any sort of change. it’s like beating a dead horse at this point. change is the only constant in life, but she’s just a shitty person as far as i’m concerned. 

sorry this got long. hopefully it’s eligible. thanks for sending me this message, anon! and thanks to everybody else who messaged me privately to check in today after what she posted. i really appreciate it. i hope that others can see, after reading all this, or seeing how everything unfolded today with kelly AND sierra and emma that they are truly toxic and abusive people and that others finally stop defending their gross behaviour.

[honestkillers]

**Diamond is Tennesee’s Therapist of approximately two years as of 2020**

**Pammy is a very close, ride or die friend of Tennessee since 2016**

Diamond - 

I woke up this morning with certain words echoing in my head “Iʼve reverted back to old coping mechanisms”. I took out the letter Texas wrote to me and those very words were written on the page.

I cannot do anything or say anything to Texas or anyone in our lives to have her stop. Itʼs a secret. Itʼs not mine. Itʼs not my place.

“Please stop. You are SO loved. I HOPE you already have and are starting to get some peace...by piece...by peace”.

A writing she shared with me a few days ago that she wrote after her own therapy session. Her words. Texas really is one of the quickest, smartest and dang funniest people Iʼve ever met - not many people can or have, but man she challenges and most times rivals me. She DID. Man. ThAtʼs hard to write. But I AM HOPEFUL. For the first time in my life. In A World of Possibilities...

[SIDEBAR re “PeAce by Piece by PeAce” - clever]

It should be noted to you, Diamond, that I received this piece of writing via email from Texas this past Sunday (she was away for her Grannyʼs funeral) - She sent It After getting texts from me while I was in what I will call for now - A “break moment” - I thought it was A panic attack. Thatʼs all Iʼve ever known to call it - I had to name it SOMETHING. GOD I WANT TO CRY. I Am choking back tears as I write this. I was in the middle of a “BREAK” of uncontrollable anger and rage and spiral - And part of me was cognizant and watched it from the outside. Even SOBER I COULD NOT STOP IT. I just couldnʼt do anything to stop it. And Holly and Justin witnessed it this time, not Texas. The logical mind and part of me that held on so long - MY WHOLE LIFE - Had finally completely broken this past year and I was powerless. 

I had never been to this place before. I watched it happen and destroy and I COULD NOT STOP IT. I AM NOT that person but I AM that person. I hate seeing what this did to Texas. I hate what it has done to me.

Me Me Me. Right?

[END SIDEBAR]

God I am so sorry. On my hands and knees save me sorry.

I then in a flurry, per usual, started a rabbit hole of google research. Very aware that:

SHE IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

She never was a problem.

She never was my problem.

She chose to be my girlfriend, love, and partner.

I AM THE PROBLEM.

Those words as I woke - That rabbit hole of quick research - thoughts and conversations and pieces flying through my head now in a fucking flurry.

BPD.

It all led me to remembering a book that I took from mine and Pammy’s House last year and brought to mine and Texasʼ. (Yeah, I see that sentence) I remember Texas saying she wanted to read it and to bring it home with me.

I did think library - but I knew I would write notes all over the inside.

I did think about my bank account - we all know thatʼs not a current option.

So I did break my word - I texted Texas (with HOPE more than anything) and asked her to leave it outside on the edge of the porch for me to scoop. She put it on the ledge. And quickly texted me that she did.

Thank you, Texas.

“I Hate You, Donʼt Leave Me”

Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Straus

How did I get here? How did this PIECE come full circle? Why did Texas want to read this book? For her? For me? For both of us?

I just put a NAME to the PIECE of me that NEVER MADE SENSE. 

My whole fucking life. My whole life

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

I am crying. Holding back tears And still crying. THIS and my WHOLE LIFE made sense in a flooding instant. Texas and I made sense - No wonder we kept seeing all the amazing pieces right there but just couldnʼt find a common language. I DIDNʼT KNOW. I really never new.

THIS IS ME.

So far, just from the start of reading the book I gained:

It happened early in my life - it usually happens when a family background is marked by alcoholism, depression, and emotional disturbances - A SPLIT.

Then my parents died. And I continued on drinking, using the “blood money” (thatʼs what I call the inheritance I BLEW bc I never wanted the money - I wanted them alive) to fill voids and just get by...day by day, year by year. I never had to be accountable. I never had to figure it out.

Then I met “15” - my nickname for Texas.

I just keep crying. I just keep reading. I need to read all of it I need to learn. I have lived like this for 43 YEARS. I have so many questions. So many things to learn. I have a HOPE for ME now.

Texas - I have said far too many “Iʼm sorryʼs” to you. You didnʼt deserve being in any room with that EVER. I want to throw up just feeling it all hit me. I never ever wanted to scare you or make you sad. I hope you have some peace back in your life. That never should have been taken.

Texas - Thank you. You changed my life. You make me smile. You are special.

You are love. I miss your hug. I miss you.

Thank you for being THE ONLY ENTITY MY WHOLE LIFE that made me want to be better FOR ME.

Made me want to stop drinking.

Made me want to verbalize a promise and work every day to keep it.

Made me want to commit.

Made me want to be accountable.

Made me finally self-care and drink water.

Somehow you and me and life led me to this mornings wakeup - to Sheriff Gearyʼs.

BEST AND WORST DAY.

Piece by Piece.

I am not a narcissist.

I am just mentally ill. Fucking Crazy Pants.

I have BPD. Perfect. Woof.

If I had never gotten the wake up call SLAM that made me stop drinking.

[Wait. No. No. NO. 15 CANNOT be gone. What the FUCK is happening]

I never would have witnessed that same out of body insane uncontrollable rage - through the eyes of true loss at my own hand - like I did Sunday in front of Holly and Justin. I never would have considered. I would have just continued on until the day I die never getting the chance to BE OKAY.

Iʼm excited. Iʼm terrified. I donʼt feel alone but I feel so alone. I have hope.

THE IRONY IS NOT LOST ON ME. But maybe this isnʼt a twist in the plot line. This is a missing piece - at least a big one - of becoming a whole ME.

I found her.

She found me.

She found her.

I lost her.

I lost me.

I found me.

In a world of possibilities...maybe we find each other again and for the first time as US. Two separate people choosing to share time with each other - whatever that means. And both with an understanding and common language neither of us can find right now. Man, how lucky would that be.

I can breathe. I just felt it. I exhailed. I inhaled and exhaled again and it feels different.

Iʼm going to go send have a smoke (for now - At least one nice is nice)

And Iʼm going to read this book. 

THE WHOLE BOOK. 

Chapter by Chapter. Take it all in Piece by Piece.

I donʼt know.

Does this make sense?

Am I crazy?

Haha. Oh boy. YUUUUUUUUP.

Iʼm absolutely out of my damn mind

But at least I am not alone and I have a chance to have a life I deserve filled with all the GOOD-GOOD.

I thought about it. And I was too caught up in surface of the idea & the just plain funny of it honestly - As I have been with everything.

We All know exactly how caterpillars fall from trees - even with all those legs. You have to dig deep, look back and really understand where that caterpillar has been in its life. Some caterpillars hit the ground - sometimes it doesnʼt matter how many legs they have, they fall. I just hope the caterpillar that I am gets to truly be a butterfly someday.

Always,

[vampire-core]

terrarianresh

I know i’ve sent you like 4 things in the past 24 hours, but this is what I’m going to say for my english presentation and i’d like you to give some feedback (anyone else who sees this can too)

The reason I’ve chosen to do communications, is because communications has a diverse cast, featuring people who suffer from mental illnesses, and instead of representing these in a negative light, instead they are shown as the main characters of their stories.

for example, i will begin with case 1. case one features three characters, frances elsner, henry elsner, and nancy elsner, formerly nancy o'connell  (was that her name?)

the case begins with henry’s childhood. he experienced abuse from an early age from his mother, frances. due to frances’ achromatopsia, she couldn’t see colour, and it was quite hard for her to live on her own.

as soon as he could, henry married his childhood friend nancy, who had synesthesia. nancy found that henry’s voice was black and white.

previously, the story stated that nancy killed henry when he tried to run due to an emotional dependency on henry, and noticing how easily he managed to cut frances off from his life, fearing that he would do the same to her.

then, after a while of being teased by the radio, hearing the black and white of henry’s voice, hung herself.

however, ghost is changing the story, due to the fact that it sounds like nancy’s emotional dependency and mental state is the reason why she killed henry, and that she’s “crazy lololol”. instead of henry managing to cut frances off, frances plays a literal game of telephone with the couple, telling nancy that henry is contemplating divorce due to her clinginess, and telling henry that nancy is dangerously clingy and overbearing.

this causes awkwardness between the two, which eventually becomes too much. henry runs, this time his plan thought out, leaving a note behind for nancy so she knows why he’s run.

however, nancy doesn’t understand how frances had used her year of “nice mom treatment” as a coverup for her atrocities and took everything out on herself, further believing what frances had told her.

while out on his “vacation” henry gains the confidence to call frances out, and frances lets something slip, so henry immediately returns home. this is where either nancy could have hung herself, or she could still be alive.

case 2 features 2 main characters, kennith and stephanie. following with the cast having a diverse amount of what would be considered “problems”, kennith has bpd, abuses alcohol and drugs, self harms, and due to the fact that he’s gay in the 1970s and 1980s, suffers from a lot of bullying. stephanie, who doesn’t have this veritable plethora of problems, is deaf, and became so progressively through the course of high school.

case 2 begins with kennith performing the COLORBARS broadcast, a broadcast specifically designed to brainwash america using finely tuned frequencies and pulsating imagery, something that is actually possible.

prior to this, kennith and stephanie’s friendship turned sour after miscommunication on both their parts, and due to the fact of stephanie being kennith’s fp, and him being dependant on their friendship, turned him to do the broadcast.

since stephanie’s deaf, she isn’t affected by the broadcast, and she tries to get help for kennith.

the broadcast lasted for 24 hours, and kennith had originally planned to perform mass suicide, making everyone in america kill themselves due to the fact that no one seemed to care about him, even making people watching the broadcast experience these emotions.. however, as the hours ticked past, kennith became unsure of himself, and eventually ended the broadcast by slitting his own wrists

unfortunately, by the time stephanie had gotten help to him, he was dead.

now i’ll reach case 3. case 3 features 3 characters again, bri, avery and simon.

bri is an autistic, nonbinary lesbian, who’s special interest is photography. avery, is a bisexual black teenager and is going out with bri (after bri offered to teach her about photography).

now, you’re probably expecting simon to have some sort of complex mental illness, but…

he doesn’t.

hes just a bigot

case 3 begins with bri, posting edited images of herself and the area around her onto a forum, where she gets harrassed for never posting actual pictures of herself.

simon, being a hacker,  hacks into her webcam and takes pictures of her, before posting them on the forum.

bri gets excessive amounts of harrassment and hate from this, and she completely cuts off from the internet, locking herself in her room and eventually starving to death.

avery, being bri’s girlfriend, finds out about this and contacts simon, knowing him to be the one who posted the pictures of bri.

they agree to meet atop a tall building, and they try to have a civil discussion about what had been going on, however, simon being like that had brought a gun, and when avery reached out as she was getting angry at him, he shot her.

she grabbed hold of his shoulder before falling from the building, dragging simon with her, to their deaths.

then comes case 4. case 4 features just one character, known around the fandom as [Spoilers]. Spoilers is cynical, sarcastic, bitter and spiteful, and occasionally goes into periods of intense dissociation and numbness. they are revealed to be the Storyteller, the one who had created communications as entertainment, however, the audience was really the ones who made the story come to life. Their motives for this are unknown, perhaps to raise awareness for people living with mental illnesses and those minority groups who are often oppressed, but that cannot be confirmed.

HEYA first of all sorry that i was offline, i was spendin yesterday w my qpp!!!! :00

second of all, this is rlly good!!!!!! there are only a Few small errors i spotted:

- bri is nb and uses they/them pronouns, plus theyre biromo and not sure abt their sexuality!!!

- avery is a lesbian who also isnt sure abt her sexuality

- bri also gets Doxxed tm by simon i believe!!! dont trust me Fully but from what i can remember :00

otherwise this looks rlly good!!!! the things i mentioned are Small Details which i only know bc Hyperfixation™ but otherwise this is lookin rlly rlly good!!!!!! :00