#but to be fair... personally... im working on not being that way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whumpshaped · 1 year

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Same here. I'm not cluster b but that response was cruel. It sucks that that's the stereotype. Cluster B people are just people and I can't comprehend why a whole group is blamed for something. Why not try to see the best in everyone? Kindness doesn't cost anything. I'm sorry to anyone who has to deal with that. Your brain is already giving you enough trouble on it's own and you don't deserve to be demonized. Maybe it's the autism and hyper empathy but I just can't comprehend that whole demonization thing. Hope this doesn't come off as rude I'm just saying y’all deserve better than what humanity is giving you! 🐈

thank u so much. i typed out a big rant in response to this that was just Even More thoughts on the matter but decided it wasnt worth it to then stress abt how my opinion was gonna be received so im just gonna send a hug to everyone w shitty parents/partners/siblings/friends

#asks #kitty anon #also ur totally not obligated to try to see the best in ur abusers #thats never what this phrase means #before someone comes into my inbox yelling abt that lol #i will never force a single person to forgive and forget im petty and spiteful and full of grudges lmao #but to be fair... personally... im working on not being that way #i hate being angry #its very draining

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months

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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time #chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed #away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all #things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get #to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just #miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im #crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the #same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated

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elegyofthemoon · 9 months

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some work stuff thats been on loop in my head all week

so i think most of this week minus today, i've sorta accepted that i'm just riding a dying dream. that's mostly why everything feels very unreal these days just bc i wanted to distance myself from it i think. that at the end of this, i'll just fail again and then i'll fail out and that'll be it for me and i'll somehow magically pick up the pieces and sort my life out in some different way with the numerous backup plans i have saved for myself

but i'm still on top of stuff. i'm doing what i'm supposed to, even if it's kinda painful to do thinking that all this effort will amount to nothing in the end.

i get asked to review a new patient who came in the night prior to present to the other doctors, and i go and do that. i get to know the patient and try to figure out whats going on. i go and do my physical exam and all that, and at the end, when im trying to wrap things up, she stops me just to say "you're such a sweet and kind doctor. the other ones are so abrupt and dont listen to me"

i had to just kinda smile bittersweetly at that bc thats really all i want to be. i just want to take care of my patients and make sure they get the best help they can. i want to, but im no good medical student.

i thanked her again and left to go present the patient accordingly. the whole moment still sits with me a lot though and i just sorta play it on loop.

by character, i'm very much a caretaker. i love taking care of people and its always at the risk of overdoing myself - something i'm working on. if i could i'd do anything to keep up with this dream so that i can better help everyone. but i still find myself at a loss. i'm by no means smart. i just want to help however way i can, and if that means being in this position to do so, then i'm happy for it.

it just makes me sad because i'll meet the worst medical students - my peers - and i question and wonder and worry about the people who would fall into their care. i'm not saying i deserve their position. i understand i'm not smart enough to be where i am. heck, im even surprised i even got where i am tbh albeit i am also failing severely now lmao but it's just... it makes me sad that the smart people i meet are always so awful

at the very least, that moment with the patient was nice even if its bittersweet. it at least means that i was already where i kinda wanted to be as a person. i want to be there. and i want to take care of others because i care.

#i didnt know who to talk to #everyones offline which is fair bc its like near new years and all that so #here.#work logs #i promise after this though ill stop posting about all this nonsense #im just in a really weird state orz #i think after today though things will be happier #its mostly bc of my friend (i really have to thank both of them)#my friends are so nice and it was nice to just hang out again after so long theyre so cute when theyre being nice LMAO #both of them are very talkative which makes up for my Lack Of Talking #ill at least say this #i probably wouldnt be such an open person if it werent for the people i met at school #they say certain personalities gravitate to a certain profession and youre right!#i think all the people ive met their personalities kinda click w me and its honestly nice askdjafh #all my friends from school were the most supportive people ever and its like the first time ive actually stepped out of my little bubble #(i had some friends in undergrad but i spent majority of it alone tbh which also wasnt bad it just meant i worked on myself more)#but yeah #lets say this: even if everything just falls apart and we end everything with a bang #ill be happy with the journey anyways for the people i got to meet along the way #snow speaks

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bangcakes · 9 months

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#personal #ok whatever. ive decided to go all in. like what?? am i just gonna sit around hoping he'll message me???#someone has to make a move and CLEARLY it has to be me NDNNDJDJDJDJDJDJSJ #tho to be fair its like. holidays JJDJDJDJDJD #i also dont know if ive mentioned this detail. but im 2 years older. so idk if That also plays a factor.#like maybe thats intimidating. idk #i just !!!! dont want this chance to pass by. so im gonna like.... Make Moves even if !!!!! it means that he'll know i like him #like ...... ok assuming he doesnt already know NDJJDJDJDJD #im sure i get GooGoo eyes u know #but n e way...... literally i have nothing to lose #like i have more to lose if i do nothing JDJJDJDJDJDJND #hhhhh god. ive been thinking about this for days. weeks even maybe. hhhhhhhhhhhh.....#but also like i think itll just be good to hang iut as friends for a bit bc like ik him in a school setting and ive hung out with him #(along with others) outside of school twice #but like... ya idk id like to know him better b4 im like YA UR THE ONE.#tho like im already thinking he is NDJJDJDJFJFJ. god............ it could just be a culmination of different things making me think that #and like i think ppl can have multiple 'the ones' or whatever #and like idk b4 him i was actually settled on being single LMAO. so like my options are pretty stacked already #like ok 1. him. and 2. me. i mean......... thats 10/10....#i'll be heartbroken if he doesnt feel the same or we dont work out but..... i mean.... whatever JDJXJXJDJZMZM #i was fine b4 i met him and i'll be fine after........

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great

#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks #when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks #unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future #well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives #and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid #ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled #sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway #at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way #anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work #and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine #i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me #half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it #i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy #jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet #hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire #.vent #hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time

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the-kneesbees · 7 months

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#i just want this whole thing to be over #i know its mean to push him away like this #but the way our relationship was going. i was just so uncomfortable with the whole thing #i feel so awful because i know im the only person he really has to talk to #but i cant be that for him #its too much #it isnt fair to either of us if things stay they way they were #i still want to be friends but. not in the way he wants. i really cant be that close with someone ive only known a few months #it just doesnt work that way for me #i feel so awful for doing this but theres nothing i can do that would make anything any vetter #i really cant describe how uncomfortable the whole situation made me feel.#it sounds horrible and a bit ridiculous but being that close with him made me feel so shitty.#i hate this it really sucks.#vent #sorry ive been posting so much about this its just. a whole thing right now.#ill delete this later but right now im gonna go watch a movie and probably cry

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faaun · 2 years

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i feel conflicted abt my relationship...need advice etc . in tags . pls i need input sm

#i love my gf a lot and i think our relationship is doing rly good rn . i miss her a lot bc im in a diff country to her but ill see her #in a few weeks etc. anyway things are good....HOWERVER. i am worried abt . our future #like u are supposed to live in the moment and have fun and be young etc etc but this is like..the fact that its going well #is making me consider how our life paths would go tgth and if it would be fair to stay in a relationship u know wont work forever. like #this was one of the reasons why i felt hesitant at first etc. basically i swore to myself i would only date an academic or at least someone #who like. has. A Thing. that they are working towards that they are rly rly passionate abt. bc i thought it just wouldnt work out otherwise #and it seemed after a while of talking that she IS like that...shes applying for a graphic design degree and she seems to genuinely #love art etc so much and also she is amazing at it. HOWRVER...she hasnt drawn in a while #and is working a min wage job despite meaning to quit for ages...and as far as im aware #she still hasnt made a portfolio...etc etc. but im so confused bc like...shes great and ik she can do it i just dont #understand why she wont. she could also get an internship etc in the relevant field but i still dont get it...and its not my place to be #pushy abt it. like i already suggested these things and asked abt them but i dont want to ask any more bc like. its her choice #what she does w her life etc. but anyway its like...am i being pessimistic/impatient and everything is gonna #go well for her or do i hold genuine concerns. and if the latter/both potentially...is it unfair to be like #hey babe ik things are amazing rn but we have to reevaluate bc idk if in 10 yrs i would be happy w where we are #my friend was like. Break Up W Her from the beginning bc he thinks u shouldn't get into a relationship w smn whom you think will not also #elevate u in some way..and ur life paths dont align etc...but he is genuinely married to his academics like hes sworn off #love so i didnt rly listen bc hes rly extreme w his. love gets in the way of academics. etc #but also his point was valid i think? that you want the person u spend ur life w to elevate you. u want them to challenge you and make you #want to work harder and be better and achieve more and more...and i do want that and i have been trying to be that for them #but A) i can only be that to a reasonable extent for them before it starts being like nagging/being pushy and #B) i feel like if they end up going the way they are rn they can never be that for me. is that bad #like am i a horrible person for thinking this way. obviously i am not casting a moral judgement on her or anyone #for whatever path in life they choose to go down but also is it like...Silly to give up on a perfectly good #relationship bc ur like. as it stands i do not see you walking alongside me in 10 yrs etc #like im lich rally 20 . but what if it DOES end up going rly well and it DOES end up being thr case that we end up staying together #and then im like. feeling discouraged bc my partner in life is just not the kind of person i imagined being w when i was 19 or 20...#like in terms of careers etc. more importantly is this a discussion i should have w her . bc i literally do not know how to raise this #without sounding like a dick but is that bc i...am being a dick? is this a bad thing ?? is this thought not that of a good person ?#it sounds so WEIRD to be like hey babe either u have to start being more ambitious and insane abt ur art or i might break up w you. like :/

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pepprs · 1 year

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my mom isn’t letting my dad go back to his office bc him being out of the house stresses her out and makes her have a flare up and it’s like kind of insane. like i understand why the idea of him doing that would make her panicky and angry as someone who also struggles w separation anxiety and abandonment shit / has physical symptoms from that kind of stress (though not to the same degree ofc) but also he is a grown man. he should be allowed to go to his office and not have to shape his entire life around her needs. and she keeps guilt tripping him out of it and it’s impacting his quality of life a lot and the whole thing is kind of… hm

#purrs #delete later #also she’s guilt tripping me into coming to the stupid fucking potluck on sunday bc she needs the extra help and it’s like… what are you #gonna do when i move out. like i am a grown woman and i should be able to choose how i spend my two precious weekend days. and my dad is a #grown man and he should be able to choose where he works. like is that not a little bit insane. i get it but also….. i do think it s kind of #fucked ip that it’s her way or the highway and her needs take priority over all of ours and she’s asking us to bend to what she wants when #she wants it. like i get it bc she’s sick but it’s not fair for her to expect that from my dad especially. particularly when me and my #brother are back at work / school in more high risk environments than my dad who would be in a private office alll day. and the thing is no #one is brave enough to all her on it bc if we did it would be the END of the world. she even threw a fit on my dads bday and complained bc #the things he wanted to do were things she didn’t want to do like all the man wanted to do was go mini golfing and when that wasn’t good #enough he just wanted to go on a walk and my mom complained the whole time and also scoffed the movie he wanted to watch and said it was #boring and it’s like… wtf it’s HIS birthday??? but what do you expect from the woman who (and in fairness her friends got her these as gifts #but still) has TWO kitchen items that say some variation of ‘a marriage is when one is always right and the other is always the husband’ 💀#i look at that little plaque every night bc it’s in front of the sink when im doing dishes and it makes me so fucking angry. like my dad is #a whole fucking person and he can be right too and he deserves to make choices and be happy and not have his wife put him down all the time.#idk. and she puts down his family all the time too and complains when he wants to do the most reasonable things for his own enjoyment that #don’t align with hers and criticizes his interests all the time and it just sucks to see. he never shows hurt or anything so idk how he #feels about it but it makes me so angry and sad and when i tell her to stop she just lashes out at me so. 🤪. like how do we get her to stop #making her needs more important than everyone else’s bc… she may be our mom / his wife / whateger but that doesn’t make her queen. no one is #(andalso this has only gotten worse bc of covid / her being sick. like this has been a lifelong thing it’s just it’s a lot worse now bc the #circumstances gave her room / forced her to have to take up more space. and it’s just so frustrating. i get it. but none of us are pawns or #dolls or subordinates or anything. there’s 5 adults here and we should all be able to make choices and not be guilt tripped by her. lol #)

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tragedygf · 9 months

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so many oldest siblings on this website … this is so clear to me in the way you guys talk about kendall

#im not saying either is wrong or right but i do find it funny that so many people’s first instinct is to immediately align w kendall in the #ceo competition. in terms of being like wow imagine working so hard for something only for your younger siblings to come in and ruin it #bc ive always been more aligned with shiv and roman on this bc i thought the show spent a lot of time delving into their jealousy of him an #the fact that he was offered opportunities they weren’t. like kendall was proclaimed heir when he was 7 and theres no way shiv and rome #didn’t hate him for it #and obviously a lot of time is spent on how kendall being the chosen and the focus of logan at all times made him subject to a particular #type of abuse #but i wish people would talk more about roman and shiv’s jealousy over him that is so much the childhood stomping your foot feeling of its #just nor fair #like its so interesting to me. shiv saying its not all about you in the finale and kendall saying i don’t think it is and shiv replying wit #so much spite and resentment that yes you do you fucking do. it did so much for me personally #succ

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weathernerdmando · 7 months

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Our manager quit two Fridays ago. This Friday the coworker who I was friends with and who had come back to take over as assistant manager quit because I told her she'd been heard shit talking and I shouldn't have let it go as long as it did out of fear of her reaction, and that I was owning up and doing what I needed to make wrongs right.

Which didn't involve firing people she'd worked with for less than a week and had not given a fair chance. Who aren't bad workers and are completely willing to learn and improve from bad habits instilled by the GM I replaced.

She called me a bad manager, person, etc and said some other immature, crude statements. I was being a bad manager being scared of her and not shutting her down back when it started. I wasn't when I told her I was stopping it here and now.

Can't say I regret accepting her quitting.

#personal shit #tagging to track comment reblog whatever #i sont mind #like she was upset when she qas being talked about like this badly behind her back and it was worked out maturely.#now that shes the one doing the bad thing suddently its no longer bad or something #no ma'am its not okay to act the way you did. quit if you want #but im not firing someone who you havent given a fair chance and have now been recorded shittalking #I got my shit together and apologized for how my mishandling hurt them. and told them i wouldnt hold any ill will or anything etc #if they wanted to leave (the two folks she wanted to fire)#they thankfuly stayed #but end of the day the former friend/coworker fucked up. i fucked up. i fixed my shit. she can throw a tantrum all she likes but #the rifht thing to do was apologize for letting it happen and not let it happen again #and set a fucking rule with the coworker who is causing the drama #and if thats an issue she can leave.

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celestial-sapphicss · 1 year

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#so i just finished s1ep2 of the bear (i don't really get it so far but ok)#and there's this scene where the main character calls up his sister and tells her about the mental shit that has been happening with him uk #and like even though this feeling is always there but lile i can't help but feel like my life would have been so much better with a sibling?#like one id have good relationships with uk???#and ik ik found family and forming meaningful relationships outside is an option but like in this capitalistic individualist society? is it?#anyways that's not the point it's that there's always stuff no body in the world would get except people who grow up with you innit?#be it school or hometowns or families and it would have been nice to have someone help me not feel this complete overwhelmness all the time #and without me feeling like im exaggerating or thinking that the person would judge me or having to keep telling everything repeatedly #but then i think would that even matter when I am the one who's the problem and like can't work to form that connection with anyone?????#like i for the life of me cannot share anything beyond the surface level or without making a joke out of it #and it seems funny but i trivialise so much of the fucking shit that happens so obviously no one takes it seriously not their fault right?#and like how fair to my friends that i literally almost always been superficial and lowkey untrue with them in exchange for their honesty???#at this point i feel like i don't even know what i truly feel or truly am because whenever i look back at my past self im like wtf #idk most of the times it just feels like being 'stuck' in a glass container and me not 'letting' anyone in if that makes sense?#ik im being very annoying about it but im just so tierd of feeling like this its been a decade & its way too long to constantly feeling dead #and im so fucking stubborn in my sadness that i won't even go get help after years of crying about wanting it & now finally having resources #it's like this mental block which i can't seem to remove and i feel like even if i do get help ill still be untrue so what's the point!???#yeahhhhh anyways i'll delete this later i don't journal so tumblr will have to make do #vi.txt

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verytendou · 1 year

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Looks up wikihow for what to do when you realize your office has 5x the amount of budget of every other executive office combined

#fun fact the president gets the least! reaffirming the idea they do jack shit #maybe i shouldnt condemn gabby to that but also sorry maam you are not being evpsa as long as our nepo baby linenof succession #has anything to say about it 😔😔 maybe you could be dod one day #like i am the outlier that only happened because the ACTUAL nepo baby backed out last minute #so they had to speedrun my nepo babiness #anyways the genuine nepo baby route (me) is one i’d like to aboid because as one of the people involved it sucks !!!!!#anyways sorry abt my boss telling you could do it even though youve already been elected to senate and my boss terms out in 3 days!#(and ????????????)#but thats a conversation i dont want to have so it will be unsaid unless you talk to me ! sorry i will be prioritizing those whove been here #and doing the work for 2+ years i think thats actually how this is Supposed to work when you don’t make all your core staff seniors @my boss #i’ll be real they were insane for that like im insane for swinging the exavt opposite way but ALL YOUR CORE STAFF???? you left your juniors #in the fucking DUST man now you have nepo baby times and everyones like but you can do it SHUT UP im a nepo baby #to be fair its good we didn’t fast track the person we did bc WHEW issues but the thing is the person who got left with all these issues is #ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not any of the people whove been dealing with them for 3+ years so THANKS IG!!!!!!!!!#some ppl really dont grow up with the ideals of making sure you are leaving something for those after you huh like dont get me wrong #the work we DO considers those who comes after us bc thats how advocacy works but our OFFICE has none of that in terms of like #staff and stuff like some of the staff choices this year were 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 everyone went into fall confused as hell #bc WHO TF WAS GOING TO RUN like even before i was properly involved THIS ISSUE EXISTED !!! you guys just got lucky i existed #and lucky that im a pushover that does whatever those around me tell me too like i am remembering i DIDNT WANT THIS JOB!!!! it took both #the person i consider my mentor and the person who i consider who i want to be when i grow up telling me to do it b4 i even considered it #so DONT TELL RANDOS THEY CAN HAVE A PLACE IN (MY) OFFICE!!! I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!!! do you know what a bitch hiring is going 2 b #anyways :’) can everyone tell i am So Excited for this job :’)) if it turns out we’ve had a budget of 300k this WHOLE TIME like #i had been SAYING WE DID bc its my JOB to Know it and it was THERE and we’ve been acting like we had 150 i’ll lose it #v.txt

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mediawhorefics · 2 years

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hello marie, hope ur okay! so, there’s this girl on Wattpad who’s claiming that she finally got your permission to translate tts, is that true or… she’s just lying ?!

https://www.wattpad.com/1318890612

why can't these people just leave me alone?

#in case y'all were wondering this is a big part of why i don't write hl anymore #i know it's not fair to the majority of people who are so lovely and encouraging and respectful and supportive #but this kind of disrespectful shit started in the early pandemic when i was really depressed and uninspired and i was started to feel less #interested in 1d cos nothing was happening #and i can't even begin to tell you how it felt... to already feel so low in personal life and then to see the way my work was treated......#it really changed my relationship to this fandom. in bad ways.#and ik im prob. gonna get some anon saying im annoying for complaining/that theyre glad im gone or whatever mean shit i always get when im #being honest about what it felt like to be a creative person in this fandom #but whatever this is my blog and some of the people who steal others' stories should know how it feels #and it feels like shit #about me #i have like... a message from that person from like... last friday ?? asking permission #and i didnt reply cos i simply did not see it #cos i dont open wattpad #unless someone sends me a link to a stolen copy of my fic #idk when they started posting maybe they did ask first #but still #its written in my ao3 profile #its written in the tts author's note #its fucking written on my twt profile #i dont know how much clearler i can make myself #idk maybe im a bad person their message says theres a revolution in iran and thats why i should say yes... idk

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readymades2002 · 2 months

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genuinely it is difficult having cultivated the like. taste in fiction that i have now that i am in a place where i'm trying to talk to people more and make friends and so on and so forth and this is the field i'm having to play on with them. i don't think anyone has to be critic-brained (i do think its good to recognize that media is Authored and to look at things with both eyes open but some people simply enjoy things in other ways and i may get irritated by that but i don't suppose its Wrong) and i have in fact met people who Will meet me in that field but it doesnt change that the field i like to play in is much different and no one is expected to meet me there in the same way i am expected to play ball with marvel fans

#i find criticism and critique allows me a way into that field actually because i do not care for marvel #but if i try to pick it apart and see what its doing i can at least Converse with people about something #but its like. idk. thats an effort i make to talk to people and i dont find people do the same thing for me #and i dont really feel like its fair for me to ask either. in some ways that is me being silly and embarrassed and shy and all that #but in other ways its like well im not going to tell the most normal people i know to read flower that bloomed nowhere with me.#it gives people the impression that i live under a rock! i dont think i live under a rock i know about lots of stuff #its just different stuff and i dont usually talk without prompting and i find it hard to talk about something #if i think the other person wont know about it and ill have to explain it to them and hope maybe they look into it #i have looked into things for other people. i don't find people usually do that for me #there are even situations USUALLY with my mother if im being honest where she will take recommendations seriously #from genuinely everyone BUT me even watching things she'd normally never touch and its like Okay .#...#ive been having a hard week. its probably going to get harder as well (i go back to work tomorrow and i wasted my time off #being in pain and miserable and not being a presence in my own life)#and there is something about showing up to work with worse sh scars than usual and belt bruises on my neck #keeping my head down and not saying anything and having no one say anything to me at all that makes me feel. i dont know #how to word it. had a little breakdown alone in my* room yesterday and found myself sobbing 'help me' a lot #and maybe thats the root of it. i dont feel like people try for me the way i have been trying and it makes me feel like i am not worth #making the effort for. and i also dont know how to express this or ask for help without looking like a brat </3 so #anyway. ignore all that please thats embarrassing.

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sereniv · 3 months

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apologies are hard and can be embarassing

but life is too short to let your grandma go to bed sad

#it wasnt a big bad deal #but i didnt listen and projected my guilt #i wanted to be angry and annoyed #but whats the point #is it really that important to feel right when youre actually wrong #to feel mighty bc youre less emotional than another person #its hard to swallow that pride and to admit you were wrong #but you never know if this moment is the last with that person #and putting in that perspective it makes it easy to say youre sorry #i sometimes forget this #something i learned very young after fighting with my mom and upon reflection realized i was wrong the whole time #ive always had this ability since then to swallow my pride almost immediately and jump straight to fixing what i did wrong #but then long story short i lost that ability when i learned the word 'no' for myself #i stopped paying attention and focused on only me #and sometimes i forget that this is not who i want to be. i forget to work on myself #im glad that i made myself apologize and im glad that i made sure i didnt apologize weakly #none of that 'im sorry you feel that way'#but id like to work on avoiding this all together. and thats hard for me. because it requires me to be aware like i used to #which for me is PTSD related. but i dont want to be on my deathbed recalling all the pointless times i doubled down #taking up time that could have been happy #people say its easy to be kind and it is but sometimes when youre guilty it feels good to give into your frustrations and get defensive #again nothing bad happened. i just told her i wanted to do the dishes. she was currently washing some and because of guilt #of my perception of what shes able to do i doubled down on me doing them instead of her even though she assured me she was able #i thought she was lying to me and she got upset. no yelling just not allowing her to do what little shes able #and not trusting her at her word. to be fair she does lie and will admit that she has- when doing things when i feel sick #even when i tell her that id rather choose what im able to do instead of her assuming. which is exactly what i did #me being a hypocrit. so yeah. not a great feeling on multiple levels of this scenario #but truly i need to remember to focus on what matters and that is just taking someones word for it while making sure they know they can #freely tell their feelings. meaning if shes doing the dishes and she says shes fine. let it be. and make sure she absolutely knows that when #i say im fine that i too am telling the truth

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waywardsalt · 5 months

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i love when musicians in orchestras will move a whole lot when playing

#ive watched a few concert recordings recently and i love watching the way musicians move and how differently they might move compared to #the person next to them in the same section #i remember being younger and noticing older/more skilled peers moving a fair bit while they played #and not really getting it until i was working on a difficult piece myself and realized i was moving a lot more than usual #its fun i like seeing how musicians move and how it relates to what theyre playing its fun.#salty talks #im watching a recording of a performance of a tchaikovshy symphony and thers a good camera angle of these two oboists #and i love getting to see them bc they move so so differently from each other and its neat

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