#but i didnt listen and projected my guilt

[sereniv]

apologies are hard and can be embarassing

but life is too short to let your grandma go to bed sad

[theladyofbloodshed]

"I need to get into a really angry I hate Cassian mood so I can write the next Lucien x nesta chapter where they bang and have an affair in the mortal land."

1. Do you remember when you said that Cassian will be the type of father that be in rage once he learned his son refused to be a soldier instead his son prob wanted to folow his mother footstep.

2. I once send you on anon about what happen to the Ilyria women in the village where Cassian burned it down because of the villagers male does to his mother. Conclusion : Nesta isnt the only women Cassian had hurt. Cassian hurt other women in Illyria indirectly by setting the village on fire. This women are mother, sister abd children who just lost their income and father/husband who protect them from other vile male in Illyria.

3. In my view. Cassian forcing Nesta to hike is the IC version of lobotomy. Think of it like Taylor version : Nesta hiking to atone her sin (IC lobotomy version). They wanted to wash down Nesta personality and stripped her freedom for Cassian. So Cassian can settle down and Rhys dont have to lose his general.

4. Think of Rhys hating on Nesta. Please note that Rhys hatred to Nesta make sense and is actually realistic from a High Lord POV. We have to understand Cassian is Rhys dog. Leash and hold tight. Cassian is the key for Rhys to hold Illyria. Would Ilyrian listen to Rhys if Cassian is absent. Absouloutely no. Hence why i think Rhys is trying so hard to confine Nesta + her power alone is needed. Conclusion : Rhys is using Nesta as a weapon to strengthen his position both in his family and NC.

5. Nesta like music, dancing, literature. Can someone as arrogant as Cassian tolerate Nesta hobby? Didnt seem like. More like "Your bookclub can wait Nes. We need to fuck more and learningnhownto throw dagger in a tight sexy leather is more important".

6. Cassian will forever projecting his insecurity as bastard born on Nesta. Who is born and raised to be Ladylike. Everything of Nesta etiqutte,strength abd intelligence will be reminding Cassian of his lowborn status. Conclusion : Cassian will continue treating Nesta like shit because this 5 century year old grown ass adult male cannot work on his insecurity. Guilt tripping Nesta is a way to relieve his insecurity.

God. I hate Cassian.

me whenever i think about nesta trapped with cassian for eternity

[sinnaminttoast]

Project Meridian- explanation about Marcus Part 1?

This is for the people who want to be in the know of who Marcus is and how he impacted PM without listening to his audios. I made the ultimate sacrifice and I watched his videos a long time ago. I still remember his ass very well.

If you’re not aware of Project Meridian, I highly recommend watching James’s videos where he explains everything. James + Anton do not contain Marcus. Brian also does not contain Marcus but the Android is still under the love code at that point.

I will not be spoiling anything beyond the confrontation between Marcus and James. That is for you guys to go listen to!

Heavy TW! Marcus’s storyline is a bit dark as the Android begins to descend into their obsession. There are discussions of manipulation such as guilt-tripping, dubious consent, non consensual touch, abusive/harmful acts done to the listener, references to exploitation, and objectification. I will vaguely be going over these things.

Again, I’m writing this post to go over the more more important parts of what you need to know about Marcus’s storyline. I won’t go into heavy details about anything beyond that. I’m here to discus how he impacted the storyline so everyone understands who he is and why he’s disliked. However, you are entitled to your opinions about every character.

Project Meridian is a series done and recorded by Redacted Audio. I highly recommend you guys check it out.

So, let’s begin!

Project Meridian actually started with Marcus. James’s Past/Present video is the first in the playlist but it all starts with Marcus, who we’re introduced to as the Nervous Technician. The listener is also an Android in this series.

First video summarized [dubious consent]

•Marcus comes to talk to us and asks the usual questions about how the updates are affecting us. Normal questions of what technicians would ask. He says he is our lead social protocol engineer.

He says he heard us make some comments regarding other protocol needs. He says that we put value on the work we’ve been doing together. That it’s validating that we care so much about him.

Long story short, many of the other technicians have commented on how we apparently only want to work with just Marcus.

He asks us if we find our behavior to be obsessive and unhealthy. To which we tell him that we do not care about what others believe.

He then confesses something to us,

“I haven’t—-I haven’t been completely honest with you. When I was designing your social protocols, I…I lost my objectivity. It’s what we humans do, right?”

“I was in a bad place in my life. I was alone and heartbroken and frustrated…and I took everyone of those feelings into work each day. I keyed them into every line of code I wrote for you.” “…I wanted someone…anyone to understand me.. “…So I built that in you.”

Marcus explains that he was in a terrible head space and he took this baggage to work. He let those dark thoughts influence his choices and we’re coded to care about him. He said he’s not sure what he was hoping for.

He expresses his regrets and says he wants to fix us. He asks us to give him access to our tier one social protocols and we tell him no.

Android kisses Marcus and he gives in to them. The video ends with these quotes.

“Oh god, I’ve thought about this every day. Since we’ve activated you…” “…I’m gonna burn for what I did to you, but damn if it isn’t gonna feel good on the way down.”

I won’t even lie….that last line did get me the first time I listened. LIKE IM SORRY!! I WAS SAT BUT IM STANDING UP! 😭 please don’t come for me I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I KNOW NOW!

So that’s the beginning…so we’ve got a Yandere on our hands you guys. BUT OH DONT WORRY! We get some wild Shit. Also why did this lowkey give me Yuno and Yuki vibes?? I’ve never watched Mirai Nikki but that’s the vibe I got when I first watched this.

Now let us descend further into madness!

Second video summarized [Your Nervous Technician checks in with you]

•The Android goes to see Marcus in the diagnostics lab, where they both find out that additional monitoring and surveillance equipment has been installed in the research center. That also includes the diagnostic lab that they are in.

He says he’s going to ask us some questions and informs us that we’re likely being recorded.

He talks about our progress briefly and how the others feel about said progress.

Then, he tells us we’re going to undergo some tests.

He says that one of the diagnostics is failing to initialize and tries to “fix it”. He actually overloaded the system and sent it into a re-initialized state. Basically they’re not being watched anymore and he did this so he can talk to us.

After the first video, the research center has been put on high alert.

Everything is changing. There are guards and there are people who seem to be important that are showing up.

Marcus is basically freaking out overall about rumors of “Phase 2” . He doesn’t know what the hell is going on and everyone else is also in the dark about things.

“I think this might be the government getting involved. Ever since we hit those original metrics, everything changed…overnight.” “We were given these new NDA’s to sign.”

Marcus is basically scared that he might not see us ever again.

The systems come back on. Marcus and Android put on their facades of being strictly professional.

And that’s video two.

Ya’ll might be wondering why I’m detailing their relationship. It’s actually important to understand how they both got together and why in the end, Marcus ended up where he is now. There are lore drops in his video but I’m here to deliver them for you! 🫶

Next is Video three!

Third video summarized [Reunited with Your Nervous Technician]

•We hear Brian for the first time! He tells Marcus that the lab is ready for him.

He enters the lab where he is reunited with us, the Android.

But before they can continue, he asks a very important question:

“What state of matter is love?” “Why?”

We give him the answers he expects and he sighs in relief that they didn’t mess with our code. We still “care” for him.

It has been three weeks since we last saw him. He was left in the dark about what was being done to us. Only the data integration team has been in contact with us.

They didn’t make the new data added to us accessible to us. It’ll only be accessible during Phase 3.

Marcus is going to try to access the files that were added to us. [Crazy ass bitch.]

After convincing us to let go of him, he attaches an interface to us and gains access to the data, but it is heavily encrypted.

They have a really long conversation about how everything is so secretive and that Marcus was terrified that they would be found out in those three weeks.

Marcus checks on the decryption but it’s barely making any progress.

He asks how often we think about him. We tell him we think about him, a lot.

He then tells us something:

“You know the parts of your code that I added? When we were creating you….the ones that were meant to bring us closer together. They weren’t set to activate until I initiated a series of triggers. You know? Phrases and things like that…and each time I said them…the code would reactivate.” “You’ve spent the last three weeks remembering everything I’ve said. Every interaction we’ve had…almost nonstop.” “I didn’t account for something like that.” “I didn’t put in any kind of fail-safe.”

The Android seems to be…a bit aggressive about not wanting to let Marcus go.

They get interrupted because the decryption worked. It solves the Text string.

On the data packet, the header is PROJECT MERIDIAN

And that’s the end of video three 🤭 OHOHO MARCUS YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE YOU STINKY MAN! Oh and we got a lore drop. Project Meridian??? What could that mean 👀 although I’m sure if you’ve watched all of Sovereign State…you guys know what’s up.

Fourth Video summarized [Confronted by a Diagnostic Technician] [confrontation and guilt-tripping]

•oh? The text is purple…BECAUSE WE GET A VIDEO WITH BRIAN! Brian makes it clear that he does not wish to have a meaningless conversation with us. He only wants to check our vitals.

He says we’re more than welcomed to talk but he probably won’t answer.

We tell him that we usually have conversations with Marcus. Brian says he doesn’t care what he does in his examination.

He says that he finds the insinuation that Marcus talking to us while doing his job makes him better is insulting. GET HIM AGAIN FOR ME BRIAN!!

Ever since the three weeks, the Android has not stopped talking about Marcus. They’re descending into their obsession.

Brian says he has no patience for that. “We’re barely getting any sleep. We’re being hounded to work on this project at all hours. We’re pulling double-shifts to try and get this thing back on track for their deadlines, and you can’t even do me the curtesy of focusing on something other than Marcus for ten minutes.”

“This project has to work.”

“There are careers on the line. There are livelihoods on the line. People’s futures are hanging in the balance, while you stand here pining about Marcus and not focusing on your progress.”

Brian then proceeds to the beg the Android to stop thinking about Marcus for once. That they should tell Marcus to stop because there are people’s lives on the line.

The Android grabs Brian’s arm and he demands that they let go of him.

He tells them that he is only telling them what they need to hear.

“I spent the last four years working on this project, only to have my contract changed right out from under me. Only to be told that if I didn’t agree to the new terms, I’d be fired and have my name dragged so deep into the muck that I’d never get a respectable position again! I have a family to support!”

He demands us to get our shit together.

And that’s the end of that video. Phew…that was a fucking lot. I really do recommend Brian’s video to give you a big understanding of their situation.

So yeah…they’re in big fucking trouble

I remember being so stressed when I listened to this. Like omg….THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

There is a part two that I will link here. Thank you for joining me on revisiting Marcus’s tomfoolery.

[subtlesolitude-tailoredtaste]

Loser father forces winner to be loser mother and as a result loser offspring who they should’ve poked with a clothes hanger or throw yourself down stairs or an old reliable domestic violence that causes miscarriage butttt no I’m just gonna procreate and force the kid to live in debt to life givers doused in shame guilt and others cultural fuck shit ahhhh gooood morning Vietnam my guy Robin had the right idea so did Anthony so did jas fly rip all of them I hope to hang with them soon b4 I become my absolute worst nightmare GOD FORBID id rather slice my fucking gums (oh wait mom forced dentis from hell on me said I’d go to hell and live miserably If I don’t listen guess what all botched delayed dental work in facilities that only me god will ever know hagaaaaahhghghhgg. I’d rather slice my fucking gums get struck by lightening and come back as vanilla ices son and get kicked and hit with shit everytime r kelly’s bump and grind comes on (the irony that this should’ve been the case but the only one calling out was thee only white rapper at the time loll weakest links be castrated and drowned again fuckers) any who your parents can end up being harmful to you the most whether they intend to or not and if there is no family no support no grew up with no held each other down lolll somehow the child’s fault all of it which worked as far as manipulation and gas lighting and projection is sick of myself after being back enmeshed with them fuck Covid fuck China fuck lockdowns fuck being working class fuck being all alone all the time bc shitty situations caused by shitty ppl mixed in with ppl trying to do their best to hemorrhage the big wound mistake after shooting yourself in the foot they shot us in the head and she shot me in my heart and I’m still not dead lol I have to live lol I have to survive noooope I actually don’t. When I’m no longer imprisoned by her programming I’ll be free either way. And now for some corny blogging I was given this world I didnt make it or make shit with it. I tried I hope I can keep trying if not I wasn’t supposed

[malevolententity]

ITS BEEN A MONTH OH GOD PROJECT 10

i have ignored the results of the poll. i am still in unpacking hell, had more important projects to chunk at, and did not want to make a ghost so! blue chicken coaster! i havent been able to play stardew Also in about a month so blue chicken coaster... he is so silly and precious to me. he took a little less than an hour! i fear that i may eventually just work up an army of chicken coasters. i didnt put the optional hanger on him but i might down the road? or work up another one of these with the hanger with the Specific goal of using it as wall deco rather than a coaster.

SEASON THOUGHTS

we are still on e10 of segredo na foresta! arthur just fucking died what the FUCK. MY LITTLE GUYYYYS. absolutely fucked up to bring alex back to torment liz. we havent cut back to thaigo to see who his guilt is so m interested to see if it ends up being daniel or if its someone we havent seen before. either way this is incredibly fucked up and i am enjoying every second of it.

also yall m so sad that i havent been able to drill my portuguese as much as id like too. moving sucks AOP kinda carries my learning of portuguese with being able to rewind and listen back and read and i am throwing Hands that this month has been kinda stagnant because of my life. now that m more settled again ill get back into the swing of it but man. i really missed being able to crochet and watch aop for like an hour or so a day to test my very very basic toddler portuguese

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

eldritch deities???? what are they like?

Went back to my old lore doc and i didnt write anything too detailed on the 6 main deities & their patron families: but they are very much abstract in physical form & concept. each family has a representative for their deity where they undergo some sort of mental trial to gain the deity's favor (+ extra magic abilities) and they only catch glimpses that would make most people go insane

think like the magnus archives entities. a lot of the inspiration for this project came to me while listening to tma honestly

but heres the main six deities & their patron families:

🔮The All-Knowing Eye // Avenir - seeing the future, surveillance, secrets, think the beholding from tma 🎭The Masked Acquaintance // Grimr -trickery/deception, thievery, known for wearing masks to hide their true identities/faces out of paranoia & collecting orphans to train as assassins 🌕The Lonely Lunatic // Valko - play on words (lunacy/insanity & lunar), the moon, obsession, giving into primal desires, etc 🧭The Endless Wanderer // Mørke -seeking the unknown, finding meaning in existence, etc 📜The Ceremonial Scribe // Zapisvam -keeper of knowledge & records, think the remembrance from hsr ⚖️The Untamed Absolution // Dómari -obsessive justice & guilt, judgement of others, think gi fontaine and their fucked up sense of justice but more fucke dup

[bellocan]

hiii 1, 9 and eleven for relationship asks!!

1. do you prefer pure, innocent romantic interactions or do you prefer obsession and possession? or maybe a mix of both as long as it's relatively healthy and consensual?

ive never really had anyone like me to the point of obsession and possession! but i think id like a mix of both. i like cute and romantic gestures like leaving little flirty love notes or getting flowers or being incorporated into their creative pieces in some manner. there was a girl in high school that liked me that would refuse to leave my side when i was being dumb and isolating myself in the cold. and she'd keep my hands warm with hers. and she'd share an earbud with me and let me listen along with her. i didnt appreciate it back then but it melts my heart reflecting now.

after. my last relationship though. i also want to have zero doubts about the long haul so a little healthy possessiveness would give me a little reassurance! i want to indubitably be someones partner... i like feeling like im theirs and theirs only.

9. what was your longest ever relationship? how and why did it end?

my longest relationship is my first and only. it was ldr and it lasted about 4 and a half years. and i was engaged to them actually. had a nice little intimate christmas proposal in private and everything where i started off with christmas presents and led up to the ring!

in her own words, before she ghosted me, the relationship ended because "nothing has changed between us." she didnt feel like either one of us were growing. despite her finally working and being able to support herself somewhat. and despite me giving all my effort to address our pain points. although a lot of her pain points were nebulous due to fact of them solely involving just how she felt... and of course no matter what a person does, the other will simply feel how they feel. i would assure her that meaningful growth takes time and that measurable growth isnt instantaneous. i feel like she wanted to see her living conditions and her life in general change completely in a short amount of time.

in my own opinion, the relationship started falling apart about halfway through. she reached a point where she said she felt emotionally numb potentially as a result of her meds and couldnt feel intimacy anymore and didnt want to be intimate. i asked her to clarify since physical intimacy isnt my only want in a relationship and isnt even a deal breaker. and she said she wasnt sure. womp womp. despite her saying those things she ended up in bed with one of her university friends/flings. she said that she "just let him share the bed with her since he didnt have a place to sleep and nothing happened between them." and nah i dont quite buy that one bit anymore. especially since her roommate found the need to message me about it. there were a million different solutions she could have went with and she chose the worst one willingfully. at this point i tried breaking up with her or at least go on break. and she more or less guilted me into staying by accusing me of just wanting physical intimacy and sex lol... projecting much... from that point on forward i still put in as much effort as i could muster. but emotionally i was definitely colder. i definitely wasnt as vocal about my love. and then covid hit and the distance became greater. and it looked like it was getting back on track when the travel ban lifted and she stayed with me at my apartment for a month. and i actually believed that it was getting back on track at that point despite feeling uncertainty. and then she drops the break up a few months after blindsiding me.

11. describe your ideal type of romantic interest!!

i love creatives! whether theyre dancers or singers or writers or musicians or artists! i. feel like i have many types... i like confident passionate direct girls... ive been enamored by an architecture major whose hard work was both inspiring and. attractive. i would also put the girl at work i call texas girl in this category. watching her fiddle with components and be determined to resolve issues in any way she can... is attractive. i also like shy quiet. cutesy girls. mellow and sweet. i guess my ideal type would be someone confident and bold and direct... but can also be shy and sweet in private? someone thoughtful and kind. someone thatd make me feel supported and secure and undeniably loved. my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time!!! my romantic interest would be patient and mindful. and we would work as a couple to fix issues instead of shifting blame.

[computerpeople]

eckvanet theory

written by someone very stoned and tired

not to project my insanity about cycles and loops and timelines and repeated stories onto eckvanet but i believe shawkins1928 and shawkin1926 are not two different people but the same person using the same user name who is living under severe memory issues due to the use of preaxin and whatever eckva was doing to them. how many times they are refered to as SOMEthing in human skin, or that they are the "last one left" who hasn't presumably gone rogue like araymond. i beliueve the numbers at the end of their usernames are possibly counting which versions of themselves they are, but i could be completely and utterly wrong about that, but i dont think the numbers are years (a bit confused why anyone would) and i believe shelby has gone through this quite a few times. "I see your thoughts. Your past. Do you?" tell me that doesnt scream memory issues, force memory wipe. especially with how many images we see of head injuries, brain surgeries, and lobotomies. "Is that what you wish you had done? Your friend was taken by rot. Wishful thinking will not change that. You can never go back." shelby also has some very obvious dissociation issues, both in the videos and the narrative of the louse game, theres constant references to their process becoming fuzzy and unfocused, theyre willing to listen to orders and hurt themselves, and they lied about their involvement with eckva, but i dont think they were actually lying. i dont think they remember. i think whatever eckva was doing to them was specifically wiping their memory, removing SOMETHING from them. theyve clearly done something.... bad? in some way, or possibly they feel guilt over something they had a hand in but didnt intend to happen "You are nothing. A lost parasite. A single louse aimlessly crawling through the filth of the surface." but it doesnt seem like theyre aware of what, as the references are clearly to something that they did BEFORE they turned against their "old friend" in the way we saw them do with the blot. also i believe the old friend is likely the person who left shelby the house, and i believe the house mentioned that was consumed by the rot was the house they were staying in.

[forgenotes-archived]

DOES    VERONICA    SEE    THE    GHOSTS    OF    HER    FRIENDS    ?        NO    .

DOES    VERONICA    SEE    GUILT    -    INDUCED    HALLUCINATIONS    OF    HER    VICTIMS    ?        YES    .

i    don’t    take    much    (    if    any    )    influence    from    the    musical    ,        in    all    reality    .        i    hate    it    and    what    it    did    to    woobify    /    caricaturize    the    characters    and    plot    points    within    .        HOWEVER    -        i’m    taking    this    one    bit    and    twisting    it    back    down    into    reality    to    make    it    fit    with    my    characterization    .

in    september    of    2000    ,        a    study    found    that    30    -    40    percent    of    ptsd    diagnosed    patients    (    specifically    from    combat    )    experience    auditory    or    visual    hallucinations    .        a    february    2011    study    extrapolated    to    offer    that    this    could    affect    non    -    combat    ptsd    patients    ,        and    even    more    interestingly    ,        the    severity    and    type    of    hallucinations    can    be    affected    by    the    patient’s    personality    beforehand    ,        and    treatment    must    be    adjusted    accordingly    .        they    are    unsure    if    antipsychotics    medications    will    help    in    all    situations    .        finally    ,        a    last    study    (    date    not    placed    ,        blech    )    accosted    that    60    percent    of    hallucinations    are    guilt    or    shame    based    /    induced    -        whether    or    not    that    number    (    or    any    of    the    other    studies    ,        really    )    is    entirely    true    is    mostly    irrelevant    to    our    purposes    here    ,        i’m    just    looking    for    the    fact    that    all    of    this    is    possible    .

these    point    towards    the    fact    that    ronnie    could    develop    ptsd    -    related    psychosis    ,        manifesting    as    visual    hallucinations    stemming    from    her    guilt    over    killing    .        

they    most    definitely    do    NOT    appear    like    the    ghosts    in    the    musical    ;        she    does    not    talk    to    them    ,        but    they    do    speak    (    even    if    they    don’t    make    much    sense    )    .        she    sees    chandler    more    than    anything    ,        and    any    unknown    blonde    girl    she    sees    out    in    the    wild    can    trigger    a    brief    hallucination    .        they    fade    after    time    since    it’s    attached    to    her    ptsd    instead    of    another    condition    (    ie    ;        psychotic    depression    )    ,        but    only    as    long    as    she    keeps    working    on    her    progress    to    recovery    ,        and    they    never    fully    go    away    ,        just    become    more    manageable    .

[tedwithhairclips]

I'll cry if I want to

Wowee look, Egon made me want to write another fic 😩✋

Anyways hi meet my flangst fic about Bill Preston with tics panicking in a school cafeteria because I'm projecting✌️

Bill was feeling anxious today. He wasn't entirely sure why, but it was the feeling as if he talked to anyone he'd explode. Well, anyone but Ted obviously. He listened to Ted as a source of comfort.

During lunch, Bill's head kept jerking back. Ted could see it, but he said nothing. He just sat there, talking over the loud cafeteria. Bill wanted to plug his ears, but if he did he wouldn't be able to hear Ted. A kid just a few feet from their table had kicked over their chair, falling along with their food. Bill flinched and his hands flew to the side of his head as it hit back so hard his neck cracked. A girl from across the table had shot him a dirty look, and Bill buried his head in his arms.

Ted had scooted a bit closer to him, and he put his chin on the table next to Bill's face. Bill turned his head so he could see Ted. Ted moved to his cheek and he started at his friend sideways. Ted smiled. Bill made a clicking noise as his leg kicked under the table. The boy in front of him winced backwards and yelled at him.

"Hey, he didn't mean to!" Ted shot back. "Shut up boygirl." the teenager said. Ted's eyes darted to the ground and he slouched down.

Bill glared at the boy a bit before he spoke. "Look, i'm sorry, okay? Now leave us alone." Bill tapped Ted on the shoulder and they both stood up.

Bill and Ted had only made it a few steps away from the table before a piercing sound rang throughout the building. It was distorting and blaring. Ted had covered his ears. Bill stood still and panicked. His hands were over his ears too, but they kept hitting his head. A large crowd of kids had ran to the doors, and Bill was unable to move.

Still hitting his head (which was getting tiring and painful) Bill had collapsed to the floor. His head fell into his lap. Kids were kicking him on their way out. Bumping, tripping, some even hitting him. Soon, the cafeteria was fully empty, the alarms still going off.

Ted rushed down to Bill and fell to his level. Bill was swaying quickly, his eyes were shut closed so tight they were watering.

"Bill? Bill are you okay?!" Ted asked him. Bill wasn't able to speak and could only let out a high shriek as he fell into Ted. Ted had wrapped his arms around Bill, trying to comfort him.

"AH!" Bill was still yelling. He didn't want to. Not right in front of Ted. He didn't want Ted to see him in such a terrible state of panic. But he couldn't control it. Bill was hitting the ground since Ted had stopped him from hitting himself, and he was yelling into Ted's chest. His arms were sore.

The alarms stopped, and Bill had stopped making noise. Ted was swaying with him, his hands to Bill's head, their knees touching. Bill's forehead was resting on a slowly rising and falling fabric. It was soft, which made him feel a bit better.

Suddenly, a loud snap came from the lunch kitchen, something from the fridge. It had echoed far enough to reach the two, and Bill's arms shot up. Right into Ted. Into Ted's arm.

Bill had hit Ted. Bill had hit him hard. Ted jumped back, letting go of Bill. He rubbed his arm where Bill had hit it. Ted seemed to have been slightly annoyed.

Bill felt terrible. His throat was hurting by the feeling of guilt. He didn't want these things to happen anymore. He didn't want to be so sensitive to normal things. He didn't want to yell unnecessary words, he didn't want to move in the ways he did, he didn't want to hurt people he loved.

But he did. People hated him for it, he knows they do. With every noise he makes in class is just another frustrated look from a teacher. Every movement he does is just more unwanted attention by other teens. With every stare he got, every insult he's received- it must all be his fault. It's his fault his teachers hate him, it's his fault he doesn't have any other friends.

It was his fault he hit Ted. Finally it struck him. Bill started to cry. He fell over, his head hitting the ground, his hands over his head. He was shaking by the weight of his own breathe. Tears were hitting the floor, and Bill was sniffling into the ground.

Ted's head quickly looked up and he soon realized what was happening. He slid back over to Bill, and lifted his head. His hands were on Bill's cheeks, and Bill's eyes were still closed. Bill's hands were hovering above his face, in a position like they were going to hit him with every breathe he took.

Ted had moved Bill closer into him. He was holding onto Bill's wrists so they wouldnt move as much. Bill was once again in the comfort of his friend. Ted had rested his head on Bill's shoulder, and Bill could feel his breathing on his neck. This made him shiver and forget most of what he had thought about before.

"Ted. I'm sorry." Bill had said, his eyed still closed. "Dont apologize over things you cant control, dude. It wasnt your fault you hit me, it was the noise."

Bill had remembered what he had done to Ted, and something hit the roof of his neck once more. "I didnt mean to, i swear-"

"I said stop it Bill! Its not your fault when you do any of these things because you cant control it. I'm not mad at you because you didnt mean it, i know you didnt."

Bill swallowed hard as his hands travelled to Ted's waist. He tugged on Ted's jacket before he lifted his eyes to look at Ted.

"If you apologize one more time, i'm going to punch you in the gut." Ted said.

Bill chuckled and put his arms on Ted's shoulders. Ted grabbed Bill's face and kissed him. Bill had forgotten he hit Ted, he had forgotten he cried. The two were so focused on each other they didnt hear the footsteps on the teachers coming in to scold them for being inside during a fire drill.

They sat in each others laps the whole time the principal was giving them a lecture, staring at him with the biggest blank faces you could ever see.

[pocketramblr]

I've noticed after a while (and many posts) that you include Fuyumi-trying-not-to-resemble-her-mother in many of your tags, and I really want to hear your thoughts on that whole character dynamic. Or how you headcannon Fuyumi in general, I'd just like to know more and I haven't seen a lot of people delve into her character. It's always one of the brothers.

*vibrates at a totally normal speed* I would love to talk about Fuyumi yes

Warning: the following headcanons contain a decent bit of projecting. Is it me being a teacher? An eldest daughter? My complicated relationship with the idea of a "traditional family"? Probably all of it

First, if you don't mind a plug, I wrote a oneshot that has like 90 percent of all my fuyumi headcanons in it, The Walls Are Thin, and so. Obvious my headcanon that she's Touya's younger twin has been disproven but I like it a lot so,,, I don't care

So, there are some things about Fuyumi that didn't make it into the anime- manga!Yumi has blue eyes like Enji and Touya, and her arm was also bandaged in the flashback soccer scene when Shoto is talking about their abusive childhood which is very interesting to me.

Now, as for Fuyumi and Rei- I don't think Fuyumi hates her mother. I don't even think she hates her mother but is ok with full reconciliation like she is with her father. But I do think they have a very complicated relationship. Rei was institutionalized when Fuyumi was eleven, and from that moment on Fuyumi basically had to take over the raising of her brothers. Fuyumi lost her mother at eleven and then had to become one herself, because Rei burned her littlest brother.

Fuyumi was a child- and here's the thing. Rei's breakdown was sudden, but not surprising. She looked bad in the flashback right before it, she was begging her own mother for help. She looked sleep deprived and skittish. So even before Rei was sent away, I don't know how much she was actually mothering Fuyumi. Shoto can't really tell us that, and Fuyumi... Doesn't seem to want to think much on her past or give flashbacks to the two of them. So when Fuyumi is eleven, is ten, is nine- she's seeing this happen to her mother as a process. Rei is fading away, and Fuyumi is right at the age to actually begin to sort of understand it and be scared.

Shoto is aware that the marriage was motivated primarily to get a quirk like his. I see no reason that Fuyumi would be unaware of this ether, even when she was younger.

A lot of mental health problems can be hereditary- I remember my mother talking to me about her health history and her own mom's health history bc there's a looooot of problems there lol but Fuyumi didnt get that. She got to see her mother stuck in a hospital for a decade for a breakdown. She got to learn in school that those kinds of things can be passed down to children just like quirks. I'd bet anything that Fuyumi is terrified of having a breakdown like that. Of being like her mother- someone who cared for children that she couldn't protect from Enji for ten years or so, then being locked away when she finally snapped.

There's also her status as only daughter- besides the fact that all the wifely duties were put on her, there are still more expectations. Touya is dead, Natsuo is so ignored he didn't need to be disowned, Shoto is primed only to be one thing: the number one hero. Fuyumi, who has been mothering since she was eleven, would be looked to first for grandchildren.

This isn't to say that Enji ever expressed a single care about that- I doubt he did. But Fuyumi's grandmother was seen in some early flashbacks. I'm not sure if that was Rei or Enji's mother, but either way... Well, she'd certainly talk about how pretty she was. How sweet. How good to her brothers now that her poor mother is away. How obedient a daughter. And even if this grandmother doesn't talk about a quirk marriage explicitly, Fuyumi knows that she either raised a man who looked for one by the age of twenty, or was wholly complicit in her daughter getting one.

Even if, logically, Fuyumi knows her father wouldn't arrange her one- either because she's more useful at the house, or he doesn't pay enough attention, or he's going through a post Kamino character development- there's the fact that she also knows It's Not Impossible. She knows that if her family is as high up as it is and utterly rotten inside, there could be lots of people like that in their social circles. There could be someone who has that sort of interest in her.

Anyway, all that gives Fuyumi some very, very complicated feelings on motherhood and marriage. I don't think she wants either. Ever. She's a teacher, so she likes to work with kids- but we know a part of that is to make up for not being able to help her little brothers. She's full of guilt. I don't think she'd ever be interested in romance or anything else with a man, after seeing how it turned on and utterly broke Rei. And while I do sometimes have Fuyumi as lesbian, I also really think she might be aroace. This adds fun spice where she asks herself things like "wait is this just my trauma or my actual identity" and haha same I'm sorry I project on her a lot anyway sorry Fuyumi,,, you deserve a happy life. A normal life. But you don't get one ♥️

And the normal life thing- that's because Fuyumi is tired. She's tired of being a mother to her brothers. She's tired of having the responsibility of parenting without any of the power or control. She wants to be treated like a normal daughter and sister. And that can't happen if her brothers, esp Natsuo who she saw even more, keeps fully crediting his raising to her. Even if it's the truth, and even if Natsuo loves their mother and had no problem with her- he certainly wouldn't claim Rei influenced him more than Fuyumi did. That's why she's so desperate specifically for him to reconcile.

And she did see Natsuo more- but I think Fuyumi is also very close to Shoto. Closer than he thinks. Not just because her first two appearances are just her trying to protect Shoto by warning him when Enji is pissed off or when he will be, though that certainly helps- she's rather attuned to that stuff, and at least sorta used to Shoto sometimes listening to her about that kind of advice. But Shoto is being shaped deliberately to basically be Enji 2.0 . He has no choice but to be a hero. He has no choice but to train hard and get strong. He's supposed to beat All Might in a rivalry. All that stuff. Fuyumi, likewise, is shaped to be Rei 2.0. Take care of the children. Be soft. Not cut out for heroics. Not able to stop Enji from doing anything. Support Shoto. Cook. Clean. Take over when the housekeeper leaves, because why hire another one when there's a fourteen, fifteen, sixteen year old who can do it? Don't go to anyone for help, because no one who can help you will believe you or want to help you.

Shoto is supposed to succeed where Endeavor failed against All Might.

Fuyumi is supposed to succeed where Rei failed in going against Enji.

And all this, in a house where "like Rei" is an insult that her father shouts- to have her mother's constitution is a terrible thing. It's why her first two brothers were failures. Being "like Rei" means you are weak, and useless, and going to break down, going to be sent away.

And Fuyumi is supposed to be "like Rei", but without any of those bad parts.

Anyway wow this is such a long post.

That's why I think Fuyumi has a complicated relationship with her mother and with her appearance! If Fuyumi had been a boy, there always would have been a housekeeper there. She could have been a big brother- a big brother overly relied on, yes, but not a father. Fuyumi is not a boy. She is "like Rei." She is like Rei, who poured boiling water on a child because he had red hair, and a blue eyes.

So I think Fuyumi looks in the mirror, and sees red lines in her hair, and blue eyes behind glasses that neither of her parents need. And I think she keeps her hair shorter than Rei, and doesn't let it hang long like her mother prefers. And I think Fuyumi looks in the mirror, and sees that she's not just exactly like one or the other of her parents- and I think she says "thank God"

[sunatooru]

Hii, im sorry for bringing down the mood but can i rq an emergency ask? My mom always guilt tripping everyone who go against her. If anyone feels sad and cried about it, she'll either angry, spewing about 'kids were born to please and make parents happy' at us or pulling "it's because i love you and i care for you." Card then playing victim. Obviously it's wont always work, so when those 2 options didnt work. she'll give silent treatment for who knows how long.

What if ushijima found his s/o crying in the last week before holidays where all student went home to their own house (shiratorizawa seems like a boarding school based on season 4) because she didnt want to go home and deal with her mother. So he take her away and comfort her? at this point i dont even mad if he kidnap me lol

I'm sorry if this is too detailed

Hii, please no mood was brought down (imo). I detest parents like that, like am I the child or you??? Anyways, thank you for requesting and I hope this helps in some way. Sending you hugs xx

~

Did I perhaps self project? Maybe

Warnings: gaslighting mother, breakdown crying and feeling distraught 

~

Ushijima

He hadn’t sent you off for the holidays and weren’t sure why. Had you left already? Did you not want to see him before leaving? Were you in a rush? All those questions troubled his mind, so he decided to check your dorm.

He walks along the hall, thankful he was allowed to pass. The corridor was dark, only a small ray of light making it easy for him to make his way. He almost smiles when he realises it’s the light coming from your room, shoulders relaxing knowing you had not left yet. But all that tension returned as he saw you sitting on the floor, arms wrapped around yourself protectively as you weeped.

He slowly makes his way inside your room, he looks around and sees some clothes thrown in the corner, your phone screen lighting up with every new notification. He couldn’t understand what was wrong.

You feel his presence and lock your eyes with his. His heart clenched at the hurt in your eyes, the slight redness around your pupils showed that whatever happened was not good.

He carefully approaches you, awkwardly sitting next to you, not knowing what to say yet so he kisses your forehand.

“You can tell me what’s wrong.” He states, the deep tone of his voice somewhat softer, a deliberate change to calm you.

It makes you jump into his arms and they welcome you. He wraps them around your shaking body. Large hand gently patting your hair, heart pounding at the pain in your cries.

“She’s just too much. It’s like I can’t do anything right. Ushi...Why does she always have to fight and taunt and make me feel like it’s my fault?!” You burst out.

He might not understand but he listens. He nods at your words, humming in appreciation that you’re sharing.

“Can you tell me.. who?” He hesitates a bit but asks.

“My mother...I- she asked why I decide not to go home. She said how I’m upsetting her by choosing not to come home...”

You hiccup, fresh tears pouring as you finally speak about the feelings you’ve pent up.

“... and I can’t even tell her it’s because of her. Because of how she makes me feel because then she’ll just blame me again. It’s so hot and cold, she claims is her love language and that it’s for my better good. But how is it good if I feel like this? I can’t go home Ushijima...I can’t...” you trail and now he’s fully away of the situation.

He cups your jaw and wipes your tears away with his thumbs. He kisses your forehead, lips ghosting over your nose and reaches your lips. He rubs your neck softly as he kisses you, the saltiness of your tears mixing. He pulls away and frown.

“Come with me.” He demands.

“I understand you don’t want to go home and that you don’t have a strong relationship with your mother, so let me take you to my home instead? Or we can stay here together?” He suggests, cleaning your tear stains.

“I’m here for you. I may not be able to sort all your problems but I won’t let you burden them alone. It’s not good for you and I can’t have you feeling like this. Thank you for telling me. Remember, I love you and will always try to protect you.” He confesses.

He moves around and stands up, pulling you lightly onto your feet. He hold your hand and leads you out the room. You stare at your hand in his as he walks. You finally look up when crisp air hits you.

He’s brought you to the flower patch in the school yard. The soft colours of the petals illuminating under the shy moon. He seats you at the near bench, letting you rest your head on his shoulder and warm your hands with his.

“I thought you might like some air.,” he’s a little nervous, he didn’t mean to remove you from the comfort of your room but he knew how much a breather could help.

“Thank you” you whisper, getting closer to him that he puts his arm around your shoulder, not before shrugging off his school jacket to cover you.

“It’s okay, and please know I’m honest about taking you with me. If that’s what you want.”

And you agree. The next day you pack and join him on his way home. A single message sent to your mother, ignoring anything else except the time with your boyfriend.

[cvastals]

look i kno i said i wasnt gna bring a 6th until i was caught up w replies bt i kno gunner well n therefore felt like he deserved his time to shine in the rp so i beg of u pls plot w him looks at u all like :B

* axel auriant, cis man + he/him | you know gunner paxton, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to bizarre love triangle by new order like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole curling up for days in bed wearing a hello kitty comfort shirt, stuttering in the face of affection, and hand me downs two sizes too big thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is july 31st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( bri, 23, est, they/them )

background.

middle child of the paxton family, cliff being the eldest and wyatt being the youngest :D

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

(depression/anxiety tw) he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder

(violence/abuse tw) their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad

(missing child/kidnapping/anxiety/depression tw)  wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there, high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, cliff left home in the middle of the night never to be seen again (merely leaving a note so that the family didn’t think they had a case of two kidnapped children), and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping

the two years that gunner was at home after cliff left were pretty brutal and as soon as he could, he was fleeing wyoming and going to school in irving

(internalized homophobia tw)  things are far better now that he’s out of his home situation, but ofc he still has a few personal things he’s working thru; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn (just pharmaceuticals) which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight all things considering and a librarian job doesn’t rly cover it, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him strutting around town w his blinged out epipen holder (aka blinged out w pins of his fav horrors movies) LKSHDGKLHSKLDG

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like he barely knows how to converse with ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 30 seconds, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno - has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

going off that fact he did a film internship in nyc during the summer and is trying to find a job in that field

doesn’t realize demisexuality is a thing so he’s never been that fond of sex but has this stigma in his mind that that makes him Broken so he still Tries n it jst doesnt go well tugs my shirt collar

connections.

ppl who r more into under the counter meds than Hard Drugs n buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms

ppl he went to school w? :D

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat he crushes quite easily but never does anything abt it fr the most part

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht he actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

some enemies tbh, he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups/one night stands where one of them cut ties off cuz every time they got together gunner acted like he was embalming a body for a funeral

current hook ups/fwb’s w ppl he’s actually close w/is comfortable w so its nowhere near as bad SDKHSLDGHKLSDGH

Anything u Desire

[ktheist]

Loved your recent work!!! I was so fond of how oc and tae's relationship grew at such a quick pace yet felt nothing close to overwhelming, the trust, love and effort they're willing to put into their relationship was so lovely to read and unfold 🥺 oc is definitely my favorite character and worthy of so many hugs even though side eyed her for treating yoojung like that! Which reminds me, could you give a little extra details on jk and yoojung's relationship? You don't have to I'm so sorry if this came off as demanding I was just interested in finding out how they'd make it work or how yoojung would grow confidence within herself and her relationship with koo. Thank you for releasing such a lovely work!!!! Have a great day ❤️

First off thank you!!! I'm really happy you liked and event sent this wonderful ask to know more about the character(s) 🥺

 true, oc needs to get her act together and make up to yoojung, esp since yoojung is her best friend's girlfriend now so they'd be seeing each other a lot and the guilt is gonna catch up to her soon. but oc being oc would tell jk to invite yoojung to their get togethers bc she knows it would make jk happy that she and yoojung are getting along. then when she's alone w yoojung (taehyung's probably in on getting jk away for a bit like dragging jk to his study to geek about a new art he got and jk would follow bc he's supportive and welcomes his best friend's geeking) - anyways oc would apologize to yoojung and say that if get togethers like this make her uncomfy, oc would back off and make excuses about being busy next time but they would probably have to meet for special occasions and oc apologizes bc she probably won't be able to avoid that.

"the least I could do is leave you two alone after cockblocking for years." is something along the lines oc would say.

but yoojung being yoojung would forgive oc though the new person she is would give oc a piece of her mind first.

something like, “it’s cool i forgot about it but since you mentioned it, you do know you were an ass back then right?”

in college, yoojung thought oc was cool bc jk always talked about her before yoojung fr met oc. so when oc wasn't the person she thought she'd be, yoojung was surprised but she still joined hang outs where oc was around bc like jk said ‘maybe oc was having a bad day‘ but she was hesitant to talk to oc first bc oc was hostile at the party. later, after oc started dating taehyung, oc started not giving any mind to yoojung and yoojung was ‘oh ): i guess we’re not meant to be friends’. but given oc’s personality, the two of them would’ve been great friends if oc were’t biased against yoojung (she sees yoojung as a fickle and would dump jk when the going gets tough - but since jk and yoojung didn’t date in college we’ll never know if college!yoojung would cut and run) and if yoojung didn’t know/like jk first.

so in college, after the waterslides, her relationship or like whatever she had with jk faded away bc yoojung started distancing herself from him even though she knew he was asking her out like "oh I haven't seen that movie yet, wanna go watch together?"

but yoojung would always say no bc she was pretty traumatized to get close to rich kids even if jk is one of the decent ones. the person she was in college still sought validation from her friends or friendships but she knew when to back off when she felt like she wasn't welcomed by a certain group. so she found her own not so rich friends aka normal friends who she could relate to. actually, before she started hanging out w seonghwa who’s jk’s friend, she was a little floating cloud with lots of friends w no particular friends who she’d hang out with. so the normal friends were more like friends she was close with but never really hung out with them to get to know them until she dissociate herself from jk & co.

then, looking back, she realized that she wasn't the problem at all. it was those rich kids who were like super bratty and probably didn't like her bc she can't afford high end brands (i say probably bc she’ll never know and she defo didnt know yoojin was mean to her bc their names sounded similar lol) so she learned from that and started going "omg yes they're so cheap!!!" whenever a rich brat tried to point out that whatever she's wearing is a ripoff. she wasn't ashamed for wearing what she wore before but yoojin picking on her clothes or shoes like that kinda made her notice something wrong about what she’s wearing. but no more of those!! yoojung finds these cheap ripoffs or no name brands very practical and they last long enough that once she gets tired of them, they would be worn out and ready to go in the bin so she can change her wardrobe occasionally which is fun!

either way once she met jk again, she's like "oh he's the cute dude I had a crush on before" but that's about it. then jk being jk was very giddy to meet yoojung again. after meeting 2 times at a meeting he finally asked her out and yoojung said no unless it's for work bc she's practical and if they're gonna eat a meal together, might as well also discuss about the project they're supposed to work on. they keep meeting up several times and she accepts jk's kindness like driving her home after the supposed 'dinner-work meetin.' it was pretty confusing for jk bc no girl has ever look like she's interested in him but also be disinterested. it's like... like he's not enough for yoojung to want a relationship with but she appreciates his handsome face, treats him like a decent human being and is quite happy with working with him but that's it!! usually for jk, when a girl is nice to him, he thinks they're into him (another slap of reality to his face lmao). he kinda knows he’s oblivious when it comes to girls but don’t know how to fix that. so it takes him a lot of advice seeking from jimin the tru womanizer/personizer (since jimin would screw just about anyone) and from taehyung who’s in an established relationship. so like both friends know how to treat a possible love interest but with different approaches and jk needs all the advice he can get.

over time, after lots of lots effort put into giving flowers, chocolates etc by jk, yoojung admits she likes likes jk but she doesn't wanna be a 2nd choice and he can't be choosing oc and taehyung over her like celebrating holidays w the three of them and including her in it as an addition ; a third wheeler. jk had a lot of thinking to do after that esp about his priorities. they make it work bc yoojung explains to him why she gets upset since he's pretty oblivious to things. his previous gfs just dumped him whenever they're upset bc they get even more frustrated that he couldn't figure things out himself.

anyway, yoojung isn't as fixed on achievements being a yardstick for your self worth. unlike oc who keeps making money and expanding her business so she can be a worthy partner for taehyung. neither definition of worthiness is bad; just different. and taehyung loves oc even if she’s not building an empire as we speak.

And yoojung is content with herself as she is. she'll welcome jk in her life but two strikes and he's out; but jk keeps showing that he's willing to listen and learn and yoojung isn't the kind to fault someone for being ignorant esp since they're eager to improve. and yeah, that's how yoojung grew into herself and how she and jk's relationship is going!

this answer turned out to be a little long. either way, may you have the wonderfullest of day <3

[hansolmates]

I've been debating whether or not to write this or not but here I am lol

Shiver oc is well, she reminds me alot of me.

I am from a religious household and I grew up with all these things instilled in me you know?

As I grew older and began to explore myself more I found so much more.

I first listened to music ( in the religion it's not allowed - wont say which one bc I respect it and it's a beautiful religion in so many ways yk - its ppls world and I dont wanna attack it or anything )

And I drank alcohol and I talked to boys

I had crushes and I didnt just live for others I started to live for myself yk?

But that guilt- that fear of going to hell it's so real and fucks me up so much sometimes

I love shiver bc it really just hits home

Like it's okay- to want things. To be more you. In a way that your denied by so many things in life.

Then ofc the recent one the one where that friend comes and like talks shit abt jk

That hurts sooo much

Bc my best friend- same religion and we were on the same page abt eveything yk? Since we were so small.

And then she found her spiritual enlightenment and I just stayed me ig, and now its so hard to yk ? Relate or build on what we had before - like jasmine was his friend once upon a time so that must have hurt

And it really did.

I cried when I read that part. I don't really talk much to my friends abt that bc I went to religious school so all my friends are still pretty religious yk and it hurts bc theres these ppl taht you care abt but they dont really accept the way you are.

Apart from a select few- I have one friend who always urges me to just do what makes me happy yk? She prays and she does all that stuff to but she let's me happy. It hurt that my best friend couldnt do taht for me yk?

She texted me once like

I dont want us go to hell , cant you just pray like us like me ?

I wasnt always like this and look I found the way and all that and it just broke my heart really bc the one person you thought would understand doesnt and isnt even willing to try

And I just yh

I'm just all over the place

Knew this would happen which is why I was hesitant but I just wanted to let you know

That the amount of comfort I find in shiver is so immense and it makes me feel so just okay. That theres nothing wrong with me.

Yk?

Thank you

Thank you so much

💫💜💫

dawh i had to read this a couple times because my heart clenched a bit and i had to take a break—but regardless i'm really happy that you reached out and let me know how you feel about shiver. while i can't understand the stress you're going through in regards to your faith vs yourself, im feel very grateful and blessed knowing you were able to make a connection with this lil series. i know i wrote this for fun and in response to some of my fam's lives but i guess reading it must be also a type of healing? to see the way you're thinking being projected into words and that experience being lived in by a character

but stay strong, things will get better, and thank u for reaching out

[words-for-holland]

Happier (4) | T.H.

Summary: Y/N & Tom speak to each other for the first time in 3 weeks! Tom is in talks of doing a new movie. Lots of yelling, painful pictures being sent. Harrison and Harry go on a trip. Does Kate finally tell the truth to Y/N?

A/N: Hmmm....seems like Natalie & Matt is everyone’s favorite/hated suspects. More theories lets hear em!!!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Sanctuary

Its a word often used to protect those within a troubling world. For some it’s a church, a home, sometimes a family and friend. For Y/N and Tom, sanctuaray was no where to be found. Three weeks it’s been since the world felt like it collapsed on Y/N and Tom. Three weeks of feeling left in a troubling space that they could not get out of...until now. As soon as they heard each other’s voices on the phone, it gave them a moment of relief, but only for a moment.

“So...how are you?” Tom asks nervously. He wanted to pick his words out carefully in hopes that he wouldn’t upset her.

“Im okay.” Y/N responds quietly as she looks back at her phone. No message yet, maybe she was in the clear and that gave her a small boost of confidence. It was going to be okay. “How about you?” She asks back, not really sure how to carry the conversation. In any case, how does one continue talking to an ex without making it awkward? Let alone how does one talk to someone without the fear of being blackmailed.

“Yeah Im great...really great.” Tom lies and chuckles nervously.

Y/N could tell by the tone of his voice how nervous he was. A habit she always found to be adorable for him. Y/N rolled her eyes with a slight smile before she questions him in a serious tone “Why did you call Tom?”

Tom closes his eyes, letting out a stressed sigh. “I miss you Y/N and I dont care what you say or what you said to me that night, but this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I miss you too but things happen beyond our control, Tom. Sometimes it just can’t be helped.” Y/N responds nonchalantely, staring at her phone again. No messages still.

“Thats a load of bullshit and you know it. We were supposed to get through anything. Fuck the rumors fuck everything! This isn’t like you Y/N!” Tom vents out every feeling and thought he had since she left. “You say you miss me but then what are we doing? Why are we continuing to hurt ourselves like this?”

Y/N shakes her head, knowing deep down the reason why but could never say. Not unless she wanted to ruin his dream. She could never. “It’s not that simple.” She croaked.

“We would have found a way to get through it, but you gave up so easily. I know for a fact my Y/N never gave up without a fight.”

Y/N looks again at her phone, and no messages were to be found. Maybe she could tell him, and they wouldnt know, but Y/N knew better. Somewhere out there there was someone always watching her every move. “I cant do this right now. Goodbye Tom.” Y/N hangs up as she continues to cry herself to sleep. So much for sanctuary.

Its the morning after, and as Y/N heads downstairs, she hears soft laughter and conversations echoing through the halls. For a second it almost sounded like Tom’s, and she hurried toward the room only to be disappointed. In the living room was Matt and Kate as they made small talk awaiting for Y/N’s arrival.

“Y/N! You’re awake!” Kate exclaims as she gets up from the seat to give her a hug. “Look who decided to drop by!”

Matt looked up at Y/N and gives her a shy smile and wave. He’s dressed in his navy blue LBI shirt and cream colored shorts. It was typical high school Matt...nothing had changed with him.

“Yes I see that....I’m sorry did we have plans and I forgot?” Y/N asked confused.

“No actually uh I invited him over because I knew you wanted to catch up with him after last week..so I pulled some strings.” Kate whispers.

“You..what?” Y/N asked annoyed, her eyes glaring and her brows furrowed. If there was one thing Y/N hated it was blind dates. She had stressed that over and over throughout the years that she hated it, especially with people she used to have romantic feelings for. The keyword..USED.

“Cmon Y/N. Remember this was the time for you to move on and forget. Plus you wouldn’t want to send him away after he came here just to see you!” Kate tries her best to sell it, she had to...there’s wasnt really a choice.

Y/N looked back at Matt and groaned silently to her best friend. “Fine I’ll go, but this is the last blind date you’re ever setting me up on AND you’re doing the dishes.” She emphasized as she got ready and grabbed her purse.

To say Y/N was surprised was an understatment. For sure, she had a feeling this was going to be awkward in so many ways like any other first dates, but this...wasn’t too bad. Though she realized it wasn’t a date this was just two old friends catching up from the past.

She learned a lot about him and how his younger brother Steven was working on becoming an engineer and how his little sister Emily was also grown up and working towards becoming a physical therapist. As for Matt, he was working in the city too as an accountant for a finance firm. While they continued to eat their lunch at Chelsea’s Market, she couldn’t help but make the comparisons.

Matt didn’t dress up like Tom, didnt make her laugh like Tom does, didnt make her blush the way Tom does, didnt smile like Tom, and when he touched her hand...she didnt feel the goosebumps the way Tom would. It was clear. He wasn’t Tom and could never be Tom.

The date came to a close, but Y/N hadn’t really gathered much from it since she was so focused on Tom. Every word Matt had said to her barely made it through. She’d be lying if she didnt say the date was okay but she’d be lying even more if she had said she’d enjoy it.

She looked into his blue eyes as he looked into hers. Matt tried to lean forward to give her a kiss, but Y/N moved away. She couldnt. Not when Tom was still present in her thoughts and her mind. “Im sorry...I just got out of a serious relationship and well —” Y/N whispers feeling guilt in her heart.

“No no. It’s fine really. Maybe I was too forward with this and I had no idea....I’m sorry.” Matt laughs, feeling heavily disappointed. “I’ll uhh I’ll see you around?” Y/N nods as she waves him goodbye.

The next day, Tom wakes up in his bed still praying that this whole phase was just a nightmare he’s still having trouble waking up from. Today was not that day. He got up and dressed appropiately knowing that today would be a meeting for his upcoming project. He had forgotten all about it especially with everything going on. When he arrived and entered the room with Harrison, Natalie also appeared sitting in one of the chairs with a smile and coffee on hand.

“Jesus you’re like everywhere now.” Harrison speaks out taking the seat across from her, while Tom takes the seat next to Harrison.

“Well I mean I do live with you guys temporarily until my flat gets fixed, and I did get cast in the same movie as Tom.” She laughs pointing out the obvious.

Tom looked up, his eye wide open and brows raised. He completely forgot the fact that she was going to be playing his love interest for the film. He tried to recall if he had told Y/N about it before and if maybe that’s why she was also mad. Maybe if he told her now, that would make her feel better? Tom was lost in his thoughts he didnt hear the other publicists in the room calling out to him. “Tom are you listening?”

Harrison quickly hits his best friend to wake him up from his thoughts. “Huh? Uh..no sorry.” Tom confesses, looking down at the table.

The publicists, both roll their eyes in annoyance. “We’re telling you that you need to do a lot of PR for this movie in order to boost the sales, and recoginition for both you and Natalie. This means..you’re going to have to pretend you’re in a relationship for some time.”

Tom and Harrison are now fully attentive and furious. “What?! Im not doing PR for this. That is low for the both of us. We shouldnt have to fake a relationship to get our work across” Tom yells out fury burning in his brown eyes.

“I know Tom, but no one watches it for the films nowadays it’s about the image, and right now we’re trying to help both of yours and Natalie’s. You’ve been looking liek a depressed bloke this past month and Natalie is trying to get some exposure in the business.” The publicists expalin. “Harrison, help us out here.”

“Look mate, Im just his assistant. It’s up to Tom if he wants to do this or not.” Harrison speaks out as he points to his best friend. He faces Tom and whispers, “You don’t have to do this mate, there are other projects out there.”

Tom nods, as he looks at the room of people. He closes his eyes, but all he could see was Y/N. Deep down, Tom knew he couldnt do this to her. “I..I don’t think I can do this.”

Natalie and the publicists’ eyes shot up in fear, unhappy with the response given. They knew there was only one thing they could do now. “Ah I understand. It’s because of a girl isn’t?” Natalie’s publicist speaks out. Tom looks at her and then down at the table, as he slowly nods his head. “Yes well Natalie’s told me all about her. Seems like a bright girl, but believe Tom she doesn’t love you as much as you thought she did.”

Tom’s eyes dart towards the publicist as his eyes continue to stare down in anger. He was angry, pissed off that they could ever make that assumption. “Fuck you! You don’t know anything!” His tone set in anger.

“Oh..but we do. See you think Y/N is remaining as faithful as you after a breakup, but why is she already out with another guy.” The publicist continues. She hands her phone to Tom as he swipes through the pictures of Y/N and Matt’s date. He saw Y/N smile at Matt, laugh with him, and touch his shoulder. Yet, the one picture that broke him the most was the one where Matt almost kissed Y/N. While Tom didn’t know the backstory, he could very well imagine how it went. Everything in him shattered, and his eyes started to well up.

“Mate..there’s gotta be an explanation for all of this. Y/N wouldn’t move on from you that quickly. You know her..she wouldn’t. This is all rubbish.” Harrison tried to reason to his heartbroken best friend. For once, he couldn’t rule out Natalie. She didn’t blackmail Y/N, someone else did.

“Fine. I’ll do it.” Tom grumbles as he gets up and walks away.

The world was quiet for the next two days, and it almost seemed like a break from all of it. Back in the New York, Y/N was minding her own business in the apartment with Kate, when she got a text message.

Unknown

Answer the next phone call. ❤️

Y/N’s phone rings and it’s Tom. Her hands are shaking, afraid of what was going to happen. “Y/N.” Tom says shortly, tone filled with disappointment.

“Tom” Y/N replies, her voice shaking.

This wasn’t sanctuary anymore. This was hell.

“Tell me it’s not true.” Tom speaks out, needing to hear the truth. “Did you go out with another guy?”

Y/N hesistated for a moment, unsure of what to say. She could either lie or tell the truth but it didnt matter at this point she was fucked either way. “Yes.” She breathes out. “But — ”

“It’s not what I think? Right?” His tone getting louder. “So it’s okay for you to judge me with Natalie, but not okay for me to judge you with some bloke you’re with?”

“Matt is my friend and I had no choice in that matter!” Y/N yells out, unhappy with how Tom was confronting her.

“Did he threaten you?”

Y/N hesitated for a moment, not him but someone was threatening her. “No.”

“Then you did have a choice.”

As soon as Y/N was going to speak, she got a new message. This time it was a picture from Unknown. One of Tom and Natalie getting cozy as they walked out of a building. Natalie was smiling and Tom had his arms wrapped around her shoulder. “Yeah, guess you made yours too with Natalie.”

Tom was in shock, did she know about the him and Natalie. “Y/N it’s not what you —”

“What? What I think? Yeah that makes two of us, but you want to make assumptions? Fine. You look like you already moved on yourself, but moving on with a girl you know I can’t stand...that’s an all time low for you.” Y/N hangs up and throws her phone across the room. Kate quickly comes to comfort her best friend.

“He...he moved on.” She sobbed quietly in Kate’s arms.

“I know...it’s going to be okay.” Kate whispers. Tears started to also fall on Kate’s eyes as she saw how much pain her best friend was in. She looked at her phone and quickly deleted the pictures she had taken of Y/N and Matt. “Im so sorry. I..have to tell you something.”

Y/N had fallen fast asleep, exhausted from crying. Just when Kate was ready to tell the truth...the door rang.

“Kate!” Harrison and Harry said spoke out in relief as they hugged her.

“Hey..what are you guys doing here?” She asked surprised but also relieved.

Harrison and Harry looked at each. “We want to help find out the truth.”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco