#but this is still my default way to deal with stuff

[alternating-b-w]

a lot of people nowadays, when consuming media, do not have the ability to adjust their mindset and expectations on what should happen to the actual events of the story. people expect found family partially because they lack emotional immaturity or life experience.

i don't want to sound like a snob, but the popular fiction landscape is dominated nowadays by fanfiction or wannabe fanfiction- genre fiction that labels itself with ao3 tropes. you know the sort: cozy fiction, brandon sanderson type stuff, or honestly? if i see an anime genre in a native english language novel, like magical girls or mecha, i run. they are best suited to visual media for a reason. this is my personal opinion, so don't jump me for this, but these works don't tend to deal with emotional matters in a complex, subtle matter. when there is a romance story, you get a character who says "i hate this guy, he's kind of cute- i mean a BITCH." when someone suffers, their response is measured or defined in what angst trope do they respond with. they are cut and paste characters designed for emotional gratification, behaving relatively similar across the board regardless of how someone about the same age, gender and in the circumstances as those characters would behave. i could further go on about how how this in part stems from not really examining the culture and mannerisms of the opposite sex (and yes, i used the word sex, because it's important to analyse gendered socialisation when understanding how someone relates to their gender in present, cis or trans) to oneself when writing, but i digress. my main point is that the anime community tends to be bedfellows with those sorts of literature fans.

meanwhile, golden kamuy doesn't really have stock characters, aside from maybe shiraishi.

for example, sugimoto's a wanderer with ptsd, but there's no mystique or affected melancholy to his trauma, i.e. no real whump-bait. a less thoughtful writer would stop the brakes on the story midway to kick in the ye olde 1900s japanese therapy-speak and have him solve his issues that way, or have him cry and open up about his trauma regardless of him not being the sort of person to do that.

likewise, tsurumi's a manipulator, but he isn't a mustache twirler or a ragyo kiryuin clone- he's eccentric, charming and makes his men feel they owe him without him ever holding it over them. the actions he takes in the story create a logical conclusion of his men being loyal to him. a lesser author would have created a character who is a manipulator because they said so, even if in real life the character's men would all actually scared of him or would probably be offput by him trying to overstep their boundaries.

then, there are the characters who are 'useless', but are still present such as kadokura, kirawus, or vasily. we understand their emotional states, but equally that the main cast dont want or need to be their best friends; this making everyone feel real because it shows where the main casts priorities lie! kado and kira were certainly aware theyre werent pulling their weight compared to anji or ushiyama, but they didnt really give a fuck because kadokura had already did hijikata a massive solid with the prison break-in. meanwhile, vasily can't even speak japanese and followed sugimoto's group for the sole purpose of jumping ogata. he wasn't there to make friends and the story's not, at its core, about making friends, so why on earth would vasily end up being friends with sugimoto? gk respects every single character's agency and motivations more than making the reader feel warm and fuzzy.

however, when one doesnt think critically about characters and how their circumstances should impact them, it's easy for one to default to the mental comfort zone: tropes. likewise, when one doesn't spend much time in a highly competitive environment like the events of gk, they cant quite comprehend the fragile nature of the relationships made in those circumstances. so, to maximize emotional gratification, a somewhat friendly group now becomes a found family.

now the ogata issue starts when when the reality peeks through- ie, that every character bar asirpa has tried to kill each other at some point, the classic fanon 'fuck canon i do what i want' mindset kicks in. here's the thing- ogata is one of the only characters to which you really can't 'fuck canon' your way out of. even usami's quirky enough that you can easily box him in as the yandere sort, but ogata killed his mom, dad and brother over deep-seated daddy issues. it is very hard to defang the character into making him have the found-family appeal, especially as the story progressed and he went from weird quiet guy with sad backstory (which is still workable) to telling asirpa "do it pussy you won't." there is no way to turn ogata as we know him into an archetype fit for emotional gratification without removing a lot of what makes ogata ogata, as he would rather kill himself than show emotional vulnerability or change his mindset, so he becomes the odd one out when talking about the different groups in gk. thats what i think.

I mean... I am a person without a lot of attachments. I don't have a lot of trust in people, and I generally view people as simply everybody on their own path.

So then when I read other people's interpretations of gk, I'm often confused because I don't really understand where they're coming from.

For example, the idea of loyalty seem to be really important to a lot of other fans. Ogata is interpreted by almost everyone as a untrustworthy, with no loyalties.

But I don't understand why anyone in this story needs to have loyalties or why loyalty is even a good thing.

Everybody has completely different motivations and wants.

Tsurumi wants to split off a piece of the military, and use it to regain territory in Russia Where his wife and child are buried.

Hijikata says that he is looking to revive the Republic of Ezo, but actually he doesn't have the resources, or the time to do that so really he's looking for one last great battle and to die under that banner rather than to set up and new independent political entity.

Shiraishi has no real goals and just likes his friends and would love to get some money out of it. He later takes on Boutarou's goal.

Ogata has no real concrete achievable goal and is looking for an abstract sense of worth.

Sugimoto also has no real concrete goal and is using the gold hunt to avoid confronting the fact that he really has no place to return to. He says he has to get the money before he returns to ume, but this is just a prerequisite he set for himself, to delay returning. Ume isn't waiting for him, has no idea that he's out trying to get the money for her, and doesn't even know if he's alive. Despite all of the importance that he places on returning to her, he is a non-entity in her life, in the same way that Ogata is a non-entity in his father's life. The similarities and differences between Ogata and sugimoto is best left for another post.

Asirpa...... is a 12-year-old girl and is still trying to make sense of the world.

Many of the soldiers don't have any goals of their their own other than following orders or impressing their commander. People like Inenaga, ushiyama don't really have any aspirations for the gold. They just seem to be along for the ride since they have map tattoos.

My point is....

These are all clearly people with individual and completely different goals, to which the gold is just a means to an end. So I don't understand why loyalty is considered important, in fact I don't understand why it's a thing at all.

So given that ..... I don't understand why Ogata is considered a disloyal betrayer....

When I read comments by other readers, it really feels like there's an expectation that these groups be a found family of sorts. A place of trust and loyalty where people support and mentor each other and it makes no sense to me.

Like that's something you expect from the military. Members of the military are supposed to be brothers in against a common enemy led by a father figure and it is explicitly pointed out that this is not the case.

People bully each other, sometimes severely. The father figure is self-interested and the only sees his men as pawns. There are shifting loyalties and factions with their own goals in the same unit. The military is not a family substitute. Gold hunt groups are not a family substitute. Even family do not present the kind of loyal loving support that people seem to expect.

So I just..... I straight up have no understanding of why Ogata is considered to be a betrayer, because I don't understand how loyalty is a thing here. I mean to me, the very concept of loyalty in this story seems to be a lie used to manipulate people seeking identity and belonging, and have them be willing to die for the group.

When I look around on forums and discussions it seems like most people do not share this interpretation. People interpret media and events is through the lens of their own experiences. And I actually keep wondering if I'm missing something huge. Like if other people interpret loyalty in a totally different more meaningful way, what are their experiences that support this belief?

Just Curious

TLDR: this is not a story about found family as much as you want it to be. Instead it's about each person finding a place for themselves....not everyone is looking for a family.

Edit: I guess this is sort of meta. The reason I have this interpretation because I have a long history of working for corporations, and despite the found family culture that they try to create and all the team building exercises, people are constantly gunning for each other, trying to get people fired, taking credit for other people's work, making people look bad in front of management to elevate their own status, trying to jump ship and go to other companies in the same industry with proprietary knowledge... so my take on this whole story is that..."this is simply how people operate."

Like I've been on team building exercises with the company where everybody an outdooring trip and bonds over canoeing, and then immediately the next day people get back to trying to get each other fired.

That's just how people are. People form connections over all sorts of things, but that doesn't mean that they aren't out for themselves or that the connection will always exist, or that the connection is deep or that the person is loyal to you.

[burialuntrue2007]

Im going through an intense period of self discovery right now and it’s really hard because my first response to what I find is often fear and shame

[mechahero]

//Ideas rotating around the brain again.

[minnies-puppydoll]

can can i request how they deal with boners in public? or like, how they deal with you turning them out (intentionally or unintentionally)

Skz Headcannons:

turning them on in public ~*

OT8 x reader HCS..

warnings: degredation, exibitionism, frottism, very tame?

your order is ready☺️ smut below the cut!!!!!!!!!

Chris:

• shy and giggly. he can’t believe half the stuff thats coming out of your mouth! (as if he hasn’t said worse)

• he’ll be hiding his red face in his hands and doing that cute squeaky giggle he always does🤭

• when he actually does get hard though, he’ll be looking around and crossing his legs, accidentally gaining a bit of friction from his jeans on his hard cock.

• but be careful, he’s a teaser too😖

•he wont make you regret it, he’ll just play along until you’re dripping and begging to go home

• (hes gonna find excuses to stay longer to get back at you)

“oh, so now you wanna go home, hm? i don’t know…ask me later. or beg me now, maybe ill decide then.”

Minho:

• will 100% laugh at your pitiful attempts to get him hard.

• he’ll just watch you with a smug/bored look on his face while you just end up riling yourself up.

• if his body ends up betraying him and he in fact is hard, he still won’t appear embarassed.

• if anything, he’ll grab your hand and have you feeling up his cock through his pants like the whore you wanted to be that day.

“did you have your fun, kitty? or did the poor slut get herself needy and wants me to take responsibility?”

Changbin:

• flustered and side eyeing you.

• he’s shifting in his chair and rubbing his plush thighs together, begging you silently to stop talking.

• its not difficult to make him hard, he never forgets the way you look on top of him, so teasing him with that image in public is torture!

• it’s when you start ghosting your hands over his cock that he’s immediately asking for the check and grabbing his keys😭 he does NAWT wanna do that shit in public but he’s literally this close to bending you over.

“let me take you home? i just need your hands, please? ill treat you so good, i promise, just let me take you back home?”

Hyunjin:

• thinks it’s kinda fun, treats it like a game/competition.

• he can hold out pretty well, but alas he’s just a boy😔

• it’s like his default setting to be inside you so he isn’t going to last very long. he just wants to feel his sweet girl.

• he’ll hide it, but will definetly show it you purposefully. he’ll lean back on something, exposing his hard on to you, biting his lip as he watches your reaction.

• or he’ll pull you into a bathroom stall and press his clothed bulge into your tummy, looking down at it and holding your hands. wants nothing more than to see your nails running along his long, hard cock.

“look how hard you made me, hm? want it? think it’s pretty? you made it, so i think it’s pretty. my little artist.”

Han:

• poor baby tries so hard to resist.

• he’s shying away from your hands and whining at you to stop when you tease him with words.

• he could never comepletely say no to you though, so he’ll let you palm his cock for a while.

• he’s arching and subtly grinding up into your hand. biting his lip while his cock leaks, trying not to get caught.

• he tries his best not to make any sounds, but he still lets whiny sighs slip through his mouth. ends up cumming in his pants anyway, only wanting to go home so he could change😭

“ah..shit..can- can i cum? or should we..go home? fuck..it’s too late. don’t stop- cumming!”

Felix:

• he doesn’t get it. he doesn’t understand why you would be saying all of these filthy things and feeling him up in public?

• he just thought you must be feeling needy. he reaches his hand over in pity, thumbing at your clothed clit and looking around to not get caught.

• your words do get to him though. as soon as you call him a few names he’s chubbing up in his pants.

• when you reach a hand over to him too, he realizes how suspicious this looks in public and just decides to finally take you home.

“aw, my poor girl. c’mere, ill make you feel as good as i can while were out. unless you wanna go home? no? my baby wants people watching?”

Seungmin:

• also shy about it.

• he doesn’t care much about the words (even if they do get his leg bouncing)

• its when you start touching him that he gets him wide eyed and flushed.

• he’ll grab your wrist and whisper-yell things like “you can’t do that, were in public!” at you.

• he’ll squeeze his legs shut and look at you with a slight sheen of excitement in his eyes. he’ll start stroking your ankle with the tip of his shoe, while resting his head on his hands. he’ll play along a bit for now.

“hm? what? am i not allowed to play with you too? touching me and saying such filthy things in my ear, who taught you that, huh? such a slut.”

Jeongin:

• he’s amused, but still suprised at your boldness.

• he has a wide smile on his face, mouth hanging open and his hand dramatically pushing you off of him.

• will deadass run away like he doesn’t know you

• if he gets hard oh lord he’s hunting you down.

• he doesn’t care if you’re in a bookstore, he’s finding the isle you’re on and dragging you out😭

• he’s laughing like he can’t believe that just happened, but trust your pussy is done for when you get home.

“yah! look what you did! couldn’t wait 10 minutes could you? eager slut. im taking you home, and you’re fixing this.”

[simplyreveries]

Diasomnia boys with a reader that's really prone to panic attacks, but hides it really well?

Like, sometimes they get really jittery and stuff, but that's just them being them! It gets better, usually. If not, they go to the bathroom chill, even when they're literally going to die inside.

And they kinda knew cause they went on a boat date, then they just kinda started saying they were uncomfortable and stuff and they ended up having a huge panic attack, like how would they react?

malleus draconia

he is very observant, especially over someone like you. it's his own way of showing care and affection if anything. malleus usually seems to have a watchful eye over you-- your wellbeing is something he finds really important to him. he can quite easily tell how nervous and how much anxiety building up in you. with that being, however, he is a bit... awkward showing how much he does want to help you. he doesn't understand that part well. now, he doesn't express it, but it does he feels a strange and foreign sense of powerlessness because he wants to be able to magically take it all away.

malleus is incredibly gentle; he does go out of his way to still try even though he can't fully solve it for you. when he notices the jitteriness or even as soon as you seem to be unable to focus, if you're alright with the touch- he'll carefully slip his hand to hold yours and trace his thumb over the top of your hand. he will give you reassuring affirmations or looks. though, he tends to just slip you away from whatever you're around and give you the best sense of peace he can.

with that being said, that's what he prompts to- he knows you seemed to feel somewhat better during your times with him outside ramshackle at night, where you may find comfort just trying to ease your breathing outside. he'll be there, quiet but someone for you if you wish to speak. and once again, because this is still new for him- whatever you want practically goes because he just ultimately wants you to feel better. so even if that's space, stay in silence, or talk about something else to get your mind off it. he will gladly give any of it.

lilia vanrouge

lilia already has this caring and doting nature around him- and that always applies to you. he can sense what you're feeling from a mile away. he knows you so well already and only wants nothing more than to help you. lilia genuinely wants to be someone you can lean and rely on. despite the trouble or teasing to others he can bring- he is very careful around you. especially during the aftermath of any of them, he is ready to be there.

he is always seeming to check on you. when you seem to be bouncing your leg, fidgeting, biting your lip or nails- very quick to notice- he'll calmy hush a "do you want my help, dearest?" something of that sorts and give a reassuring smile. he never wants you to feel bad for it and make it any kind. he also wants the approval from you if you want or need him around to ease yourself.

when you've dealt with one, carefully, he'll try to ease and calm you down after the adrenaline high you were just experiencing. he'll always seem to have a caring smile on his face when he asks if you''ll let him hold you for a moment. i have a feeling his hugs, with the addition of soft humming or strokes are the epitome of safe.

silver

at first, he was new to handling these kinds of things- he felt completely unsure how to help when all he wanted to do was do just that. much like malleus, but honestly, probably even more so- his quiet nature can most likely prove to be some help when it comes to your panic nature. anything he says or does, even if he is a bit internally worried about how to handle it himself, is so gentle and soothing. it hurts him seeing how much you have to deal with- so he'll do everything and anything he can for you. in moments especially where you're talking to others and feeling anxious, he'll take over for you.

silver is protective by default; it only heightens around you. he wants nothing more than for you to be and feel safe. he is knight, he really couldn't push that part away from him if he tries. in the midst of the moment his focus is solely onto you. if you'd allow him, he hold your hands and let you squeeze them as tight as you want, trying to help guide you through it the best way he can. even if it's difficult and you feel like a mess, he is right there with a worried look and this aching desire to fix it for you.

after it slowly wears of, he might recommend and try coaxing you to fall asleep. he doesn't leave your side if your comfortable enough to allow yourself to. he'll lightly trace your arm and try to have you match your breathing with his.

sebek zigvolt

sebek would probably have the most confused time trying to help you- not in a bad way- like anyone else he wants to help you, but he has zero clue how to even begin the first few times. he gets so concerned and when he gets worried it comes out as loud unintentionally. or maybe even aggressive to others in a sense of thinking someone was bothering you. and clearly that's the last thing you would need, so he tries his best to be more cautious of himself for you. there are times where he's been kneeled in front of you sitting looking up to you with a "tell me what i can do for you" attitude. he gets so serious,,,

like silver, he's a knight and wants you with a sense of security- he doesn't want to feel like he failed you on that. he would go out of his way after he starts to slowly understand them- to spend his spare time reading about it and even go to lilia for help on comfort. so, at times like this during an instance on a date he would be ready all the more.

him trying to help you does feel rather by-the-book scientific ways of helping you get through it. but he genuinely tries and is solemn about it. he does stumble a bit nervously sometimes, because he still can't quite think straight when you're experiencing anything sorts of bad. but sebek does his absolute best.

[sapphicmuppet]

unresolved things still in my brain post fhjy finale

okay hihi this is not me trying to nitpick I just have a lot of unresolved thoughts!! okay here we go

Buckys arc:

I don’t have a ton of stuff to say just generally his arc being unresolved, being counted as a follower of Cassandra but that never being formally gone over, him still living with Mac and Donna, him skipping class, the drama with his adventuring party etc.

Bobby Dawn:

another self explanatory one, Sandra Lynn never finding out he was teaching at school, him escaping scot free, the drama in the sol pantheon, him never finding buddy etc. Just a lot of unanswered questions

Mazey Graduating:

for having a finale that has a lot of emphasis on the Fabian/Mazey relationship I wish they went over that Mazey IS a senior and graduated at the end of the year and is presumably going to college in the fall, and just the logistics of her being a college student still dating someone in highschool, just interesting having them get together when they’re already going in separate paths. I wish they went over it!! because now in my brain I have to justify it as a summer thing because they’re actively going to be doing other stuff the next school year.

Kipperlilly (and Jace):

okay so. Kipperlily was never rage starred or she willing took on the ragestar whatever I NEED TO KNOW MORE. Ik the point is that the ratgrinders suck and are inexperienced heroes but the realization that she essentially took all of The Ratgrinders down with her and gave them up to Porter, wasn’t being controlled by him in the way the rest of them were, had an even more direct hand in Lucy’s death, but also was still being manipulated by Porter for years?? I need it to get gone over. Also Kipperlily staying dead? to be clear it shouldn’t be The Bad Kids’ jobs to have to deal with the moral question on if the ratgrinders deserve being revived but there’s so much unsaid about Kipperlily and so much she didn’t get to do ugh. And in her final moments her absolute hatred towards Riz just being justified? In her eyes. Idk. Lots of thoughts. AND JACE!! Porter ADMITS to killing Jace himself and shatterstarring him and says he will do it again, but also Jace is clearly under Porter’s control to a degree and wasn’t revived too. I wish we knew more about him because as of what we know right now it seems crazy to keep him dead without questioning him and with him being Porters partner in this whole thing he could fully reveal everything Porter and The Ratgrinders had been doing the past three years.

Bakur:

idk just minor stuff with Bakur. He never regained his elf status which was interesting? We never saw the resolution of his fight with Lydia etc

Kalina:

Okay the acknowledgment in the finale that Kalina seems to genuinely have her own free will and moral compass outside of Cassandra is making me crazy because I just assumed she was tied to Cassandra so when she was good Kalina was too by default but there’s so much not cleared up about her. She DID lure Cassandra to the synod where she was weak and fostered the rage in Cassandra about Kristen’s treatment of her. She killed herself and was trying to communicate to Riz about Porter. Ankarna has NEVER trusted her. She had the spies tongue with Porter. She’s escaping with Buddy at the end. WHATS HAPPENING WHAT IS SHE DOING AGGHHHHH

[fuckyeahisawthat]

I’ve seen a few metas now that describe Crowley as self-loathing and…that’s not quite it to me.

Crowley for sure has Issues. He has a lot of anger and doesn’t always deal with it in constructive ways. He is hypervigilant as all fuck, and the fact that he is almost always correct about the amount of danger he and Aziraphale are in at a given moment just reinforces that hypervigilance feedback loop.

He has the hair-trigger flight response of someone who has spent millennia dodging oppressive forces that are more powerful than him, and this makes him default to RUN even when on some level he knows that is not the right response to a situation. He’s very aware that there are a lot of people out there who can hurt him, and there is no one coming to protect him. The only option is to try to avoid the blow.

And he is absolutely terrified of rejection, for very understandable reasons. This also encourages him to have one foot out the door of a situation, to pretend he doesn’t care, because if you leave first and actually never cared at all then you can’t be hurt. He is painfully aware that good things can be taken away from him without warning, that love that looks absolute can turn out to be conditional, because that already happened to him.

But. As much as I love a self-loathing blorbo, I don’t think Crowley hates himself.

Sure he talks a good game about how he’s not nice. But I don’t think, for example, that he thinks he is unworthy of Aziraphale’s love, that he is not good enough for Aziraphale because he is a demon or for any other reason. Because as far as Crowley is concerned, angels and demons are the same! All that good and evil stuff is just names for sides. I think he is afraid, because he’s still not sure, after all this time, if Aziraphale feels the same way he does, and broaching that topic is an enormous risk compared to just staying in the ambiguously-defined status quo they have now. (And then he works up the courage to do it anyway, and seems to have his worst fears confirmed.)

FWIW, I don’t think Aziraphale thinks that Crowley is not good enough for him either. Not at all. But I think Crowley might think that Aziraphale thinks that after the end of s2. And that really stings, because as much as they both gave lip service to the idea of “I’m good, you’re evil,” I think Crowley always assumed that Aziraphale saw through that when it came to him as a person, that it was just something Azirphale said and not something he really believed about Crowley, and now he’s not so sure.

I also think Crowley believes he did not deserve his fall (hot take: none of them did) not because he is extra-special Good, but because that’s a fucked-up thing for someone who said they loved you to do. While he is clearly still dealing with the trauma of it, I think he knows by now: I shouldn’t have been hurt like that. I didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t my fault.

And so the horror of Aziraphale accepting the offer of going back to Heaven is partially I thought we both understood how this system works; I thought we were on our own side together and partially I can’t believe you’re going back to the people who hurt you and at least a little bit I can’t believe you’re going back to the people who hurt me. Do you think they were right?

(And Aziraphale doesn’t! He doesn’t think that! He thinks they were wrong, but he thinks they were wrong about Crowley, that it was an individual mistake and not a feature of a system that squashes questioning and nonconformity of any kind.)

I wrote a whole meta about “I won’t be forgiven, not ever” and “unforgivable, that’s what I am” in 2019 that I won’t rehash here, but tl;dr, I don’t think Crowley is saying that as a statement of his self-worth. I think he is saying, Heaven would never let me back in, and if they did, I wouldn’t go. Because I don’t want or trust the “acceptance” of people who don’t value me as I am.

And it’s part of the cruel dramatic irony of the Final Fifteen that one of the things that breaks them apart is that Crowley values himself enough not to go back to Heaven. Crowley, who we’ve seen will do almost anything for Aziraphale, says, No. I am not putting myself back in that abusive situation. You shouldn’t either; I really wish you wouldn’t; but if you do, I am still not going back there. Not even for you.

[chanceofwhat]

Aroace positivity to outnumber the bots in our tags:

1. First of all, you are valid. Aroace, aroallo, and amatoace people are all inherently LGBTQ+ enough. It’s stupid to say otherwise. The queer community is (generally, and I’m v sorry if I miss anyone here,) for anyone who experiences attraction or gender differently from the current default social norm of cishet. Experiencing it not at all is plenty different enough.

2. This stuff is SO CONFUSING. It’s OKAY if you don’t understand your own feelings. Feelings are WEIRD. I’ve felt what I can only describe as strong queerplatonic attraction 3 times in my life, and in hindsight I can even identify my “type,” but I’m 20 so 3 isn’t very many and also I was equally happy dating them and not dating them.

2.5. (Story) I recently told my dad that my roomie and I are planning to still live together after college, and his response was “so you guys are officially a couple now?” ?????bro WHY would I do that? WHAT part of “living together” necessitates DATING?? That sounds STRESSFUL! Which brings me to,

3. AmatoAllos are going to struggle to understand. This is normal, fine, and not your fault. They can’t conceive of someone not experiencing sensations that are such a notable part of their lives. Be patient and don’t try to force them to get something they just don’t get, but also, that struggle is NOT an excuse to treat you poorly, NOT an excuse to try to push you into dating or copulating when you don’t want to, and NOT an excuse to not listen to you or to invalidate your experiences.

In summary: You’re not wrong, you’re not broken, you’re just different. Different is a neutral trait. If I could choose to stop being aroace right now? I genuinely don’t know what I’d do. Sure, sounds easier to fit into society, and I’d like to stop stressing about what my life will look like without that expected piece, but if I’m all distracted by crushes and wet dreams, how am I ever going to take over the world?! Also the ace and aro communities are some of the kindest and most accepting and more comforting I’ve ever seen, so I wouldn’t wanna give that up. I love myself exactly the way I am.

Love yourself the way you are. I know it can be hard sometimes, but we have to try. Eventually, you get used to loving yourself and it becomes second nature, or a habit at the very least.

I rambled a lot here and it ended up long and wacky, but I’m not sorry because ADHD is part of who I am and I love who I am so. Deal with it. But yea the point is no bots can get in the way of our powerful community and we’re going to eat cake and garlic bread and take over the world.

[bloop-bl00p]

Rewriting Charlie: The Princess of Hell

(Using a GIF from the pilot before that’s the only version I like)

I didn't like Charlie in the series not only does she suffer from the terrible conditions of being a female character in a show belonging to Vivziepop but her overall innocence doesn't make sense to me.

I can understand why she would be naive and all that stuff, she probably got heavily sheltered. While we don’t know what her relationship with Lilith is, Lucifer cares enough about her to know that Hell is a dangerous place for a kid. An adult version of her would be aware of Hell being full of dangerous people but would still be vulnerable to extremely good manipulators like Alastor. That’s how her character felt to me when I watched the Pilot.

But then Vivziepop decided to give her a concussion.

It’s not cute or funny, she’s a grown adult and still acts like a child that just freshly got out of the womb. I can understand the optimism, she worked really hard on her project and things are finally starting to set in motion even with a few highs and lows.

But seriously, episode 4 pisses me off, she didn't try to do anything to stop Valentino. Not only did she not listen to Angel Dust who was visibly scared, but she also did nothing when he came out of the dressing room with a black eye. That’s not miscommunication that’s brain damage, the girl was dropped as a baby and her cerebral haemorrhage never stopped.

“But Angel stopped her🥺”

And? She’s the princess of Hell, surely she realizes that the only reason Angel did that was because Valentino told him to do so, surely she understands that the only way she could assure Angel's safety and make sure he followed through with his redemption was to remove Valentino and possibly the other Vees from the equation? Right?

She could rip the contract! She can’t? Well, get your father involved! I’m pretty sure an angel, fallen or not, can do something about a petty contract between two sinners, otherwise, it’s time to actually explain to us how this whole deal and soul-owning work.

Or better, she could simply kill Val, you know? Because Angel isn’t his only victim and killing him would free countless souls from his abuse. She obliviously cares about other sinners, no matter how despicable they are. Wait, what do you mean she’s against violence?

Girl can clearly fight and get violent if necessary, and the Pilot is still canon. Don’t you dare tell me this specific part of her isn’t cannon anymore, you either make a pilot entirely cannon or you simply remake it to fit your new vision? Unless you wanna confuse people.

If I had no other option to protect a friend, and possibly protect other people, Valentino would have been long gone. What are the other Vees gonna do? Be mad? I’m the Princess of Hell if my hair gets touched, Lucie gonna get angry. And if they touch my friend, well, they are dead.

✦ Meet Lenore, they are non-binary

The relationship between Lilith and Samael is open, they aren't married a concept way too holly for hell. It’s quite rare for the two to find themselves in the same place for more than a couple of hours, let alone spending the whole night alone. That’s why Lenore is a such special case since they actually are Samael’s child.

They were born around the early 17th century and visited Earth all the way through the early 18th century to late 19th century, they’re 413 years old making them the youngest of Lilith’s children.

Lenore was not raised by Lucifer of Lilith but by a group of sinners nicknamed Lilith’s Daughters or Lilins. They are women under Lilith’s jurisdiction. I’ll talk about them when I’ll talk about Lilith.

✦ Personality and goals

I pretty much did my own character at this point since Lenore shares little similarities with Charlie, like very little. Their most prominent default is their superiority complex, Lenore is the only child of Samael which makes them pretty powerful by default. They were seen in high regard by the members of society and each expected them to somehow fully bring Hell into this new marvelous era of prosperity.

After centuries of being constantly told that their ancestry made them superior to most, Lenore eventually started to believe it. They won’t directly tell you that you’re weaker, it’s mostly communicated through their behavior and how condescending they can sound when talking to Imps or Sinners compared to royalties.

They also like to flaunt their knowledge over a vast subject of things like witchcraft, which they learned during their childhood with the Lilins. And while yes, they are pretty smart, they still fell to the massive anti-heaven propaganda, essentially believing that The Trinity is this overly powerful dictator and that Hell is the only way you can get away from his wrath… partially. While they do ask lots of questions, questions they learned to keep to themselves, the Authoritarian God is an idea that was fed to them since childhood. It’s hard to see it in another way. No, Lenore doesn’t care that much about Heaven nor do they care about the sinners of Hellborns.

So why a sanctuary? To separate themselves from their parents of course! Familial bonds in the Dawnherald family are really weak, especially considering they grew up with an absent father. Lilith just allowed them to have a portion of land in Limbo after countless requests.

Lenore wants to build their own legacy and something intently better than the kingdom of their parents, first because they don't want to live in their shadow. The praises coming from being their child comes with the price of always being seen as such, just the offspring of two important figures which they don’t want, and second because the foundation of how Hell works is boring. Fears and hopelessness were how Samael and the Fallen Angels imposed their supremacy onto the inferior who were the sinners, while it worked and kept working, Lenore with their ego felt like they could control the population better by weaponizing something rare in Hell, kindness.

In the sinners’ eyes, Heaven abandoned them, Hell is merciless to the weak and there’s Lenore. The one that actually cares, the one that feeds and protects them, their savior. Even if they never see the pearly gate, they sure can feel safe in this false Haven provided by them, how benevolent.

They created a whole persona to hide their true intention, voluntarily creating this reputation of being an inexperienced princet to be able to manipulate gullible people with more efficiency. The more people would underestimate them the more convenient it is for them. The sanctuary is here to test multiple of Lenore’s ideas on how they could change rulership in Hell for the better.

“Everything for the people nothing by the people.”

This is the core of how their sanctuary function, you will get to the safety of a shelter, food, and basic civil rights as long as you obey. This is not a utopia but what Hell has the best to offer, sinners always try to find better options to survive, and the sanctuary just happens to be that. All that is asked from them is obedience and bringing something useful to the community.

This refusal to give any form of agency to their protégé stems again from their Pride and desire to control everything, they simply cannot see themselves outside of a leadership role.

Everyone in Hell sees this as a temporary means, an endeavor they would immediately stop the second they are promoted to be more active in Hell’s politics. Hell thrived with the chaos that occurred because of the harsh life conditions, suddenly changing the system just because one of Lilith’s spawns is pretending to have a ‘better alternative’ would be ridiculous. It is clear that most people see their sanctuary on a surface level and mostly see it as this place where sinners and others are fully free of their movements.

✦ Family

Sheesh! That’s not really a sensitive subject since their interaction with their parents is almost non-existent. Their siblings also seem to not want to have anything to do with them, the feeling is shared.

They never saw Samael in person but they are mostly curious about him. They only know him through history books telling the Tale of this ancient Morningstar finally realizing his self-worth and fighting against the tyranny of the Trinity. It’s easy to pick up the fact that their father holds dear his self-importance, they relate, in a way, but their interest doesn’t go beyond a historian being curious about an unknown historical figure. They never met him, it’s better to not make assumptions.

One question still lingers in their mind… what could drive such a well-respected being to turn away from The Trinity in such drastic ways? The point of dictatorship is to make sure everyone is perfectly indoctrinated into the regime, how did their father, after millennia of servitude randomly pick up on this? These are obliviously questions that they shouldn’t ask and, for the sake of maintaining appearance, it’s best to search the response on their own. At best, they’ll be totally reasonable answers, at worst they’ll find something that they were not meant to see.

Ah, Mother Lilith, they have seen her in person and often have little weekends with her. A charming individual, indeed, they would love her even more if it wasn't for being constantly told to give up on their silly little games with sinners. While they did make up a naive persona for the rest of Hell to be fooled, the fact that their own mother doesn’t take them seriously is appalling to witness.

Lilith is the active ruler of Hell with a handful amount of right-hand men/women if it wasn’t for their pride Lenore would have begged to be put in a position that would allow her to change Hell’s policy. Something they always manage to bring up, even during eventful tea times, those are rare their mother is always busy. The woman is still fun to converse with as she holds wisdom from more than 10 centuries of existence, it’s always useful.

✦ Details

✧ The reason why Lenore doesn’t have a much more important roles in Hell’s hierarchy is because they are young by Hell’s standard.

✧ Right now, Lenore isn’t trying to form any meaningful relationship, they’ll end up with Vaga nonetheless. I did not think of a specific sexuality for them honestly so feel free to fill the void with your headcannon if you want.

✧ Lenore’s a witch, while I’m probably going to go on a magical fantasies type of witchcraft, I’ll still have a few actual things that are actually practiced by actual witches. Plus there are a few practices that can be useful for the story.

✧ Them finding out about redemption and even wanting to do it in the first place is established much later.

[cityof2morrow]

Mod Organizing & Load Order Shenanigans

Published: 5-1-2024 | Updated: N/A MOD ORGANIZING During the [first] "pandemic summer," I started reorganizing my game folders. I also started  a "conflict management" list, containing all the known conflict info from download pages, new conflicts I discover while playtesting, etc. It's 44 pages long at the moment....a testament to my unapologetic mod addiction. I encourage all simmers to keep a list like this. It’s very reassuring (and handy!) to be able to look up known conflicts or keep track of mods which have been merged (duplicate files can break your game FAST!).  **I won’t be able to share mine at this time but most of my info comes from the same pages where I download CC/mods - shout out to the creators who take the time to include this info.

MY LOAD ORDER(S) I number my folders and use mostly lower case filenames to force the load order I want – these were the most important changes I made re: how I maintain a heavily-modded-but-still -very-functional game. With few exceptions, this has been much more effective than keeping track of the number of z's and cases. It also means I don't need to rename downloaded files - I just put them in the right folder. When I played exclusively on mac, I learned that numbering the store cc folders was the ONLY way I could get all the content to work. I never figured out why but I imagine it was because the mac series doesn't include expansions required for some of this content.

DETAILS (the codes) I put that grad school debt...I mean...those grad school research skills to good use and made up my own codes. Here they are... 0= files needed in every save aka my "essentials." These include repair files, shader/UI files, CEPs, global probes (like scriptorium, money globals, inteen checker, inventory checker, etc).

1= mods that do NOT need a load order, some OFB-themed sets I want to keep separate from other CC - like the #co2bellabrand or upcoming #co2cdkseries stuff.

2= mods that require a hard load order. As @episims writes HERE, this only works for mods with non-game-breaking conflicts between them. Only the last mod in the sequence will retain ALL its intended functions. The code for this section goes like this: [number]-[what the mod deals with in-game; i make sure to consider alphabetical order]-[load order number] -name of the mod(s)

I have several global mods that need to load as close to LAST as possible. These folders all start with "2-z-[load order #]-." The "2" tells me they need to load in a certain order and the "-z" makes them load after all the other #2 folders.

See Object Freedom 1.02 (@fwaysims, 2023) and Shiftable Everything (@lamare-sims, 2022) both load at #78? I don't have them BOTH in game at the same time, but giving them the same number ensures that the right load order stays no matter which one i'm paying with. 3 = build mode and neighborhood deco/defaults

4= buy mode

"ts1," "ts3," and similar labels = content that was converted for Sims 2.

5=CAS/bodyshop

OTHER DETAILS I also label folders with certain "type codes" - these tell me things like whether they add permanent data to my saves (custom memories, careers, foods, etc. do this) or whether they are maxis-match. Here are some examples:

-BIN = mod files which go in the program folders -DEF = default replacement -MEM = this content includes custom memory data -MM = maxis-match or an add-on for default game furniture -ADD = content that is not maxis-match -NPC = this content includes or changes one or more NPCs -FIX  or -EDIT = this is a fixed or uniquely edited version of a pre-existing mod -BETA and -TEST = this mod is unfinished and/or a test version Remember, conflicts do not always mean something has to be removed from your game, nor are all conflicts unresolvable. No matter what kind of method(s) you use to organize your game – it’s just important to try/have at least one in the cut.

CREDITS Thanks: Episims, PleasantSims, and all simmers who include load order/conflict notes. Sources: Beyno (Korn via BBFonts), EA/Maxis, Forcing the Load Order of Mods (whoward/Pick’N’MixSims, 2021 via sims2tutorials), Image(s) (Alexander, 2016), Offuturistic Infographic (Freepik).

...Oh and yes...I AM in fact an INTJ/Capricorn.

[what-even-is-thiss]

If you’re trying to get yourself out of the purity culture mindset of even touching or thinking about “bad” things corrupts people and you’re still Christian or at least still believe in God in some capacity my advice to you is to remind yourself that

A) God is not your judgemental aunt. They see everything and therefore probably have a pretty good understanding of things like harm reduction and how the human brain works considering They invented it. Yours and other people’s involuntary thoughts and coping mechanisms aren’t the enemy winning they’re part of being human and if anything knowing the thoughts you have shouldn’t be acted on is a good sign about your personal character.

B) Certain things you’ve been taught are harmful either aren’t harmful or aren’t as harmful if precautions are taken. Premarital sex is the classic example. Traditionally abstinence was the only reliable way to prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancies but we’ve got the technology now to reduce the chance of that stuff significantly. Besides, if you like it and are being careful and respecting your partners it’s very likely no harm at all will come of it. If you cause no harm on purpose, that’s not a sin. That’s just using what He gave you to have a good time. And even if it was a sin His whole deal is forgiveness. This doesn’t just apply to sex either. Watching media that depicts “immoral” acts, doing drugs, and many other things can be done safely or at least have their impact minimized. Follow your best judgement on these things and when appropriate try to guide people around you to reduce harm in their own lives as well, but don’t try to dictate for them what right and wrong is in their own lives.

C) God basically is the entire universe. They can’t be harmed or destroyed by human action. The universe isn’t a tug of war between God and evil. God made the rope. You or anyone else making mistakes, having a difficult time forgiving someone, sinning, having weird or nasty thoughts from time to time, or doing or making something that blurs the lines between morality or immorality can’t hurt God or the universe. She’s too big for that. And forgiveness and mercy are kind of Her whole thing. One mistake or even many isn’t an earth shattering event. You’ll be okay.

Basically what you need to remember when trying to train yourself out of this mindset of purity culture and never doing anything bad ever is that you need to work to make your default assumption that you’re trying your best, so is everyone else, and judging whether or not something is actually harmful isn’t always a clear cut and easy thing. God understands nuance. They gave us humor as a gift to cope with the struggles of the world. Learning a bit of flexibility with yourself and others isn’t always easy, but you can do it. Rethink your knee jerk reactions. Pray about it if that helps you, and most importantly be kind with yourself and others who are on this same journey. It takes time to unlearn some harmful attitudes you may have been taught. And that’s okay. You’re doing fine.

[cravingpepsimax]

Whatcha angry abt on stancest, Max?

ok. my evil dark confession is this: i do not care for a lot of dark!stancest content.

9/10 times it feels ridiculously out of character, which is bizarre because stan and ford both have traits that could easily turn them villainous.

stan’s got unrelenting devotion towards ford, protecting him pretty much whenever he can, working for 30 fucking years to bring him back. stan’s also got a rich and vibrant criminal past — of course, being a criminal doesn’t make you a bad person, but when you’re surrounded by criminals for decades, you’re gonna get a bit desensitized to violence.

ford, on the other hand, has like. the Perfect abuser mentality of “everything i do is right bc i am the main character”. ford will do stupid, bad things, things he’d rightfully call others on — and he won’t even realize he’s doing anything bad. bc he justifies it to himself. sure, if someone ELSE did this, it might be bad, but ford’s got reasons xyz, so it’s fine and good.

yet. in spite of this. a massive amt of dark!stancest content does not tap into any of these traits in any meaningful way!

half the time it’s literally just. stan or ford (mostly ford) doing horrible fucked up shit to the other for seemingly no reason other than they want to do it. that’s a massive wasted opportunity and also not in character??? stan and ford rarely do Big Important Things just cuz they’re Like That. ford justifies it, stan gets caught up in his emotions, but it’s hardly their default!

i also feel like a lot of dark!stancest stuff puts in noncon w 0 consideration to the characters’ mentalities. neither ford nor stan are the kind of person to just. like. rape someone out of anger. or because they’re really horny. like — i know i mentioned stan getting caught up in his emotions, but stan’s a very self-sacrificing person. he’s not gonna fuckin’ molest ford in the night to deal w his brocon feelings he’s gonna sadly masturbate

more commonly, tho, ford’s the rapist — and that’s where this really bugs me. because there is a REALLY OBVIOUS WAY RAPIST!FORD WOULD WORK. if you’re gonna write rapist!ford, you’re gonna have have justify it to himself:

they either deserve it (and, no, this isn’t just “god i’m mad at my brother i have to rape him” — it has to be something extremely serious! i remember seeing someone mention filbrick molesting ford, and ford raping stan later on as a sort of “oh, you think YOU’VE had it bad?”. it’s not perfect — but it’s still better than just “grr angry”) or they secretly want it so it isn’t actually rape.

and it bothers me so much bc it often ends up feeling like noncon is just added to make it Darker and Edgier and Sexier with 0 actual care given to the characters. you can make shit darker and edgier if you want! but it has to FIT. it has to WORK. you can’t just completely derail the characters???

tl;dr: a lot of dark!stancest stuff completely ignores the characters’ actual personalities and ways of thinking for Dark Edgy Stuff and it is annoyinggg like in theory i LOVE dark!stancest but in practice i’m stuck going “he would NOT fucking do that”

[thydungeongal]

Isn't it unfair to say that 5e has no resource management?

You could say that it's cringe that 5e requires Xanathar's to have gold sinks and that artifact costs are clearly nonsensical, but they are there, with dungeon crawling roleplay mechanics and it's overall necessary to play DnD(and I only saw 2 tables that didn't use it and it were PHB only tables). When players bother to read crafting and shopping rules, gold suddenly stops being meaningless

Also, 5,5 seems to have sorted gold sinks, making them make sense and included them in core books. I have no hopes for dungeons and combat(since it's balanced by reddit, lol) so it's still a bad edition and DnD still isn't my favourite flavour of DnD. I still disagree on goldsinks post

P.S.: I don't believe that podcasts were that important in forming the play culture. In Russia, podcasts aren't even close to be as popular, but DnD still rarely includes dungeons. I put all the blame on WotC. 5e combat is straight up bad both with and without player mastery. 5e optimization boils down to dealing with encounters in ways that set up default kills when you fade to black on emcounters(or it's 4-12x deadly stuff which is clearly not intended by the game and breaks progression systems if rewarded fairly)

I don't think I've ever said that resource management is unimportant in D&D 5e. On the contrary I think resource management is important in D&D 5e as a text: it only becomes unimportant when it collides with how many people actually play D&D, where suddenly characters are only doing a couple of encounters a day (if that) and don't really get to experience resource attrition (hit points, spell slots, and other limited use abilities are where resource management is at).

That's the disconnect: D&D has always cared about resource management, but a lot of its players don't, and it's that disconnect that inadvertently leads to many of the "problems" people experience with D&D in play. It's of course not helped by D&D 5e being kind of afraid to loudly say what it's about, and I would argue that even though resource management is still important it has deemphasized it in many ways.

[stunfiskz]

Rouxls asks! Feel free to only answer which u want to, I sent a lot to give you options!

● What do you think the deal is with his mouth stringy? Is it just a skin flap, or something else?

● Your Rouxls is built with a broad chest, skinny limbs, and a veryvtiny waist. Does he work out/diet to maintain that look, or is he just naturally built like an upside down triangle on a toothpick? Does he lift/jog, or is he sedentary?

● Is your Rouxls goopy? If so, what is his "default" consistency, and what does Max Liquid look like?

● If he's goopy, is his hair also just goop that just looks like hair, or is it actual hair? What of his teeth and eyes and junk? Is he 100% goop, or does he have some non-goop bits?

● If goop, does he have bones and organs or no?

● Does he keep worms as pets, food or both? What is his definition of "worm?" (like, are we solely talking earthworms, or do things like grubs, mealworms, inchworms and caterpillars count?)

● Is there a reason his clothes are the same colour as his skin, or is he just a freak who dresses like that on purpose?

● What is Rouxls's Roux made of? What does it taste like?

● Any clothing hcs? Worm/bug hcs? Backstory hcs? Lay them miscellaneous headcanons on me!

YAYAYAY QUESTIONS! thank you for indulging me in this lol

What do you think the deal is with his mouth stringy? Is it just a skin flap, or something else?

i think of it as a goop strand (& think it can change location due to this, it’s my reasoning for why its placement is inconsistent across his sprites lol) from opening and closing his mouth

when his mouth is closed it’s still there though. because i think it’s cute to give him a little drip

this is also part of why i think he defaults to grinning so often. embarrassed about his mouth drip  

Your Rouxls is built with a broad chest, skinny limbs, and a very tiny waist. Does he work out/diet to maintain that look, or is he just naturally built like an upside down triangle on a toothpick? Does he lift/jog, or is he sedentary?

i do think he works out- i try to draw him leaning like…somewhat twunk-ish but closer to twink due to clover & the rudinn calling him a hunk

i have a bunch of nebulous headcanons surrounding this but i think he has a very off relationship to food for a variety of reasons. i do not think he eats enough

in general, i think of him as very vain and focused a lot on his appearance. i think of all this as an extension of that.

Is your Rouxls goopy? If so, what is his "default" consistency, and what does Max Liquid look like?

yes and no? 

i think that the way we always see him- pretty much his default- is like. if you touched him it would feel pretty much the same as normal human skin, just a bit more slick & cool to the touch (in general, i think darkners would run cold as well)

in my head, for whatever made up species he is, they sort of like…firm up as they get older. hence why the baby rouxls i draw is just kind of a little goop blob. 

i also am very fond of the headcanon that rouxls is a card with printing errors, including ink smudges that may mean he’s still a bit more goopy than he’s supposed to be. hence the goop strand on his mouth. also means i think he’d leave ink stains on stuff he touches with his bare skin

i do think that he would melt if he were particularly overwhelmed because it’s fun. probably would feel good as hell to just turn into a puddle

If he's goopy, is his hair also just goop that just looks like hair, or is it actual hair? What of his teeth and eyes and junk? Is he 100% goop, or does he have some non-goop bits?

ummmmm. depends on what’s funniest. i don’t know

i do think his hair is just goop that looks like hair. i don’t know about his teeth. i don’t know.

i also really like the idea of him having a cardstock skeleton, like the armature of a clay figure. very easy to bend, probably what his teeth are, i don’t know. i’ve talked about this hc a lot though LOL

If goop, does he have bones and organs or no?

bones question answered above

as for organs. same as before, depends on what’s funniest. generally i lean towards him just being solid goop all the way through but i also like drawing his guts so it just kind of depends on how i'm feeling

also, vaguely related- he’s very, very loosely amphibious to me. i think he has weird amphibian “ears” that his hair covers. i think he would probably breathe through his skin regardless of if he has organs or not. 

also probably would have to open his mouth to smell things/have a not great sense of smell because i don’t think he has a nose

Does he keep worms as pets, food or both? What is his definition of "worm?" (like, are we solely talking earthworms, or do things like grubs, mealworms, inchworms and caterpillars count?)

i lean towards the thought that worms are food, bugs are pets

with this, i think that he would primarily eat earthworms/mealworms/other oligochaetes. grubs are basically puppies to him probably 

Is there a reason his clothes are the same colour as his skin, or is he just a freak who dresses like that on purpose?

he’s just a freak who dresses like that on purpose.

i think of dressing in clothes that look like part of your body is just a darkner fashion standard, considering you can compliment lancer with it

What is Rouxls's Roux made of? What does it taste like?

his roux is described as a dark roux. a roux is just a flour & fat base used for other recipes. a dark roux specifically is cooked for the longest out of other types of roux, and is primarily used in cajun & creole recipes (most often gumbo). i imagine it’s just the same as a regular dark roux just with worms in it in which case….i dont know what his reasoning in universe would be for just selling the roux with worms in it and not like an actual dish you would make with it. he’s a freak and not normal. horrifying to think about the concept of a worm gumbo though 

Any clothing hcs? Worm/bug hcs? Backstory hcs? Lay them miscellaneous headcanons on me!

i think he has like twenty different near-identical copies of his uniform, just with the slightest variations between them. sometimes he has whatever weird shoulder pads he has now, sometimes he has ones with a trim, sometimes he has epaulettes. sometimes he’s wearing normal pants, sometimes tights, sometimes none (probably depends on length of coat). sometimes boots, sometimes regular shoes, you get the idea. this is my excuse for drawing his outfit inconsistently.

i like to think card kingdom has a bunch of weird flora/fauna we never get to learn too much about because that’s not the point. i think he probably has different bugs than we do. which i am not good enough at fantasy biology to make up just imagine something really cool and badass 

i like to think he was the original tutorial guy- i think he started working at the castle in his early teens, but ended up leaving for a bit to try doing that. he was not successful at all. also, given the proximity between the tutorial area and seam’s seap, i like to think it would be funny if he like. briefly crashed on their couch during that time. i think it would be a really funny world to think about. 

[heliza24]

In which I try to figure out Armand:

My brain has been ticking away thinking about Armand ever since episode 2.1. I have been fascinated and irritated by Armand in the off-season, so to speak, because I love Daniel and relate to him so much, and I know Armand is going to be very important to him. But we were given so little of Armand last season it has just felt impossible to get a grip on what his deal is. I am admittedly not a book reader, but I also feel like these feelings are still justified because the show version of Armand is so different than the book, in circumstance at least. So he’s the character I’m most interested in this season.

We still didn’t get a lot of him in ep 1, but I’ve been thinking about him and synthesizing some of the stuff that people have been saying about him in interviews, especially about his relationship to control. I’m specifically thinking about Hannah describing him as “Louis’s creature” and saying that he’ll do whatever Louis wants, and that this is part of their sexual dynamic as well. I think this makes sense with what we’ve seen in the trailers; it seems like Louis is the more sexually dominant one between them. So Armand is happy to be more of a sub in the bedroom and in their original flirtations. Maybe in their earlier dynamic as a couple too, we’ll have to see. Meanwhile, he’s in the background, arranging scenery, pulling strings, trying to do everything he can to hold onto Louis and keep him at least passingly happy. This, by the way, perfectly meshes with his role as director at the theatre. Never in the limelight, but always in control. (The stage management school of sexuality, if you will.). I think that emphasis on control probably becomes more pronounced as the years go on, and Louis is sitting in his grief for Claudia and more of their initial spark dies. But it also perfectly explains the Rashid act. Armand is comfortable playing a servant role. He’s comfortable observing from just off stage. He’s comfortable doing those things if it means ultimately having a better grasp on the way the scene unfolds.

For his part I think Louis is probably drawn to the way Armand seamlessly irons out the bumps in his life. The penthouse is a cage, but Louis is his own jailer; Armand isn’t the one keeping him there. There’s probably an interesting comparison to be made against Lestat here. Lestat revels in melodrama and high emotions, while Armand is intent on maintaining a facade of calm stability. It makes sense to me that Louis would have leaned into this facade, even if he knew it was partially a falsehood, after losing Claudia. I think this is true even around Claudia’s death. It was easier for Louis to forget and forgive whatever part Armand played in it, and allow Real Rashid to hide those diary pages away, than to really reckon with Claudia’s death.

I think Louis requested the interview as part of his general goal to narrativize and soften his own memories and grief, and Armand acquiesced in order to keep Louis. The original goal of the interview was for Louis to convince himself he really had killed Lestat, literally and maybe emotionally too. I think it’s possible that Lestat is back in the picture somehow and the interview is Louis’s last ditch effort to convince himself not to return to his maker. But then of course the whole thing goes off the rails and Louis ends up facing down his true memories for the first time in years. It makes sense that when put in an uncomfortable situation- watching Louis talk about Lestat- Armand would default to his old role of manipulating things from the wings of the metaphorical penthouse stage. Him stepping into the interview is a big departure from that, and shows how effectively Daniel has rattled him.

So how this plays against Daniel is interesting. Armand is putting on a big show about how he and Louis were able to manipulate Daniel in San Francisco. But I wonder how true that ever really was. I imagine even in San Francisco, Daniel represented a completely opposite dynamic to Armand’s relationship with Louis, which would have hooked Armand’s attention. If Louis appeared in control on the surface, but relied on Armand’s ability to arrange the periphery of his life, Daniel would have appeared to be easily (and perhaps happily) dominated, but resistant to Armand’s larger attempts to control his life. Obviously I don’t know exactly how they’ll play out a 1970s devil’s minion scenario. But I imagine that Daniel’s addiction, and Armand’s misguided attempts to protect him from it, will play a role in whatever kind of break up and memory erasure ensues. Whether it was the addiction or his personality or something else, there was some element of Daniel that was too wild for Armand to tame. He threw him back into the pond, all memories of being snared on the fishing line erased. And it’s entirely possible that Armand feels this loss of control very deeply. As heartbreak and loss, but also as a scary moment when his grip on the love that he needs in his life faltered. It’s possible that the break up with Daniel made him even more determined to control outcomes with Louis. And it’s also possible that the pain that he felt when he originally lost Daniel is causing him to revise and edit his own memories of his relationship with Daniel. If Daniel broke Armand’s heart, it would be a lot easier to remember him as a silly boy Armand manipulated in tandem with Louis than someone Armand actually found fascinating. Admitting otherwise means admitting his own weakness. So memory becomes the monster, again, even if you are the one controlling the vampire amnesia.

For what it’s worth, I currently think that Louis doesn’t know about Armand’s past with Daniel. I don’t think Louis would be as vulnerable with Daniel if he knew. And that would point to Armand once again subtly manipulating and managing Louis, completely hiding his connection to this mortal from him.

Regardless, I don’t doubt that Daniel was less fearsome in San Francisco than he is now in Dubai. (The show’s insistence that an elderly disabled man is just as powerful in his own way as an immortal vampire is perfection, and it makes me want to kiss all the writers on the mouth). He’s even less controllable by Armand than he once was (if he ever was), and he’s intent on finding out Armand’s truth, and the truth of their connection. I was really struck by Assad saying in an interview that the thing that Armand wants most is acceptance. He craves love and acceptance, but is terrified to show his real self and be vulnerable. Thats why he’s continuing to play stage manager to Louis’s love. But Daniel is coming for his true self in Dubai whether Armand wants it or not. And I imagine that is both extremely confronting but also ultimately attractive to Armand.

I deeply hope we get to see Daniel crack Armand’s sense of control. I hope we get to see Armand being vulnerable to Daniel and Daniel being receptive to that. I also hope we get to see Daniel facing down Armand as the source of his trauma (because being stalked, bitten, and then having your memories forcibly repressed is trauma, even if Daniel was attracted to Armand through it). I hope we get to see the way that trauma and fear and desire and love intermingle. And I also hope that when Daniel breaks Armand’s sense of control and sees his true self, he still likes what he sees. Because I would like Armand to get that acceptance from someone, even when his worst tendencies are laid bare.

(Oh, and while I’m making predictions- I’m not worried about 70s Devils Minion not happening, or them interacting in the 70s but it not turning into some form of romance. There is simply no better way to add stakes to the Dubai iterations of the characters than to give them this hidden history, and Rolin has talked extensively about needing to bring Daniel into the story in a personal way and crank up the conflict happening in Dubai. The penthouse is no longer just a framing device, but a site of active conflict and growth, and the only way you do that is exploring past and future DM dynamics. In ep 1 it’s still mainly acting as a frame, but I’m really excited to see its importance grow over the season).

Armand is such an intriguing mystery, but if I’m right about some of this stuff I actually relate quite strongly to him too. (I am reminded of a Brennan Lee Mulligan quote, where he describes characters you love/play as being garages attached to your actual personality of a house, and sometimes some piece of writing or improv shoots a sniper rifle perfectly through the garage door into the house and hits you in the heart)

@bluedalahorse warned me that this is how you really get stuck on a ship, when you see pieces of yourself in both characters, and I do fear that she is right.

So we’re really in it now, is what I’m saying. Send me your Armand thoughts, I want all of them. I will be counting down the days until episode 5 and obsessing until it airs. I’ll check back in on this meta later, I guess, to see how correct or incorrect I was.

[sandyca5tle]

Slimeshifter HRT - Month 3(/28)

Well, hello again, I’m back after what feels like ages (even if it’s only been a couple months), but instead of Slime HRT I’m bringing you Shapeshifter/Polymorph HRT (not sure which I’m going with, Shapeshifter’s what I default to, but Polymorph is a more technical name (also seen ‘Omnimorph’ thrown around, but not really a fan of that myself) we’ll see how it shakes out). 

Before I get into my new changes tho, I’ve actually got some life updates: We got a job! In Hyper City of all places. It’s not very glamorous or anything, it’s just cleaning/washing up glasses and stuff, but it pays the bills - turns out that, with the control I’ve learnt over my acidity, I can actually clean things like that very well, just kinda melt all of the dirt and grime off, and eat it up. It can take a little while to do it, since I have to be careful not to damage the glasses, but I’ve gotten really good at it, and it’s helped my acid control too, so win-win there, not to mention with additional limbs I can then polish multiple of the glasses at once (although only like, two at a time, otherwise it’s hard to quality control)

On top of the new job, I also got a place to live in Hyper City too, just a simple apartment for myself. It doesn’t make the commute that much different, but it lets me deal with a few less weird looks from people, and I can be nosy at all the cool things here, not to mention it makes attending appointments just that bit easier too. Not to mention I can meet my friends and partner easier here too - it being only like a twenty minute trip from anywhere on Earth makes it an amazing meet up point.

Anyways, on with the transition update!

Unfortunately there’s really not much to say at this point, it being early on and stuff, much like with the start of my Slime HRT, but I have been paying very close attention and trying to spot anything that seems off, so I have a few things to talk about.

First thing, and honestly I’m not sure if this is the tail end of Slime HRT or the beginning of Shapeshifter HRT, but I feel very connected to my whole body. Now, I say I’m not exactly sure which transition this is exactly, because Slime HRT definitely kinda removed the distinction between body parts, at least as humans understand it as I only really have two now - my core, and my slime - so everything I make with my slime is just part of that, which definitely led to a greater sense of wholeness and connection to my body (also y’know, the whole feeling more comfortable in my goo helps). But this is new, it’s like I almost kinda know what each part of my body is doing - which I know sounds weird to say, like ofc I know what my body’s doing, it’s my body - but to use a human analogy, humans don’t know what their organs are up to 98% of the time, other than hoping they’re doing their job, so it’s kinda like if a human knew that for certain? The line’s a lot blurrier with slime biology, but idk, it feels more like my mind properly extends all throughout my body, rather than just being in a centralised location, even if (I think) I know  it’s all stored in my core. 

This change has both improved my dexterity - being able to more keenly feel any limb or extension I make makes it a lot easier to have fine motor control - and also improved my ability to alter my shape, hence why I think it might be a part of the Shapeshifter HRT, but either way, being able to feel every inch of my body has certainly helped with perfecting shapes - I can actually make my slime kinda sharp now! Although it’s still made of goo, so it isn't great at cutting things, but it’s a bit sharper than my previous attempts, so progress!

The other thing that’s helped with shapeshifting, and that I’m fairly certain is the Shapeshifting HRT, is that I’ve noticed my body has gotten, well, less viscous, more fluid. It’s been a little awkward, as I’ve gotten used to a certain level of solidity, and while I can change it back to normal if I focus, at the moment I’m stuck being a little less cohesive than I’ve gotten used to, which has led to a couple instances where I’ve suddenly ended up a bit, or a lot, more puddley than normal, which is both inconvenient and embarrassing. Fortunately I’m very adept at reforming myself, so it’s no worse than tripping over your feet and ending up on the floor, but it still sucks that I’m having to deal with it again. But hey, the benefit is that it makes it much easier to alter my shape, and I’ve been loving the increased fluidity, even if it has made shapes harder to hold… have had to be careful with my wings, since there’s less structure to hold them up and in shape, which sucks a little, especially as I’ve had to forgo them once or twice. 

As another annoyance to this is that it also makes me occasionally leave slime behind me when I walk, or otherwise move, which both sucks from a cleanliness perspective and a mass retention one, although the former is much more of an issue than the latter, particularly in the new apartment.

The other main thing I’ve noticed since starting is that…. argh it’s hard to describe, it’s like a new understanding of… things? Like when I look at something I’m automatically picking out more little details about their shape, and the same when I pick something up. I’ve found myself idly staring at things, or rolling them around in my hand, or engulfing them in my slime (mostly without dissolving anything), and just picking out all the details in them, sometimes mimicking cool shapes I notice either at the time or later. It’s kinda weird, it’s like a whole extra bit of information on top of the normal sense. It’s actually helped a lot with my job, since i can feel any imperfections be they dirt or scratches in the glass much more easily that i might have otherwise

Between that and the greater connectivity to my body, I’ve been dealing with a lot more sensory information, primarily with touch, but a little with the other senses too. This has all led to some bouts of sensory overload, which have been…. unpleasant to say the least (it’s an overload for a reason), and it’s particularly hard to block it out when it’s touch - ever tried not touching anything? Fortunately if I limit how much I do touch when it happens, as well as other stimuli, I can recover, but it is distinctly unfun…

But asides from those issues it’s been overall chill with these early changes, and frankly the improved altering of my shapes has been a great change.

As a quick note, separate from my latest transition, I’m very curious about how I’m storing all the mass I have - I mean, I can eat and eat, and I don’t gain any size unless I want to (and I know that sounds like boasting - and I guess it is a little, but not like that), but like, I have eaten some really big things when i’ve had the chance, and there’s been no change - I don’t even weigh more, or at least, nowhere near as much as I should for what I’m eating. I can go from my 4’4” self to the size of my apartment block, maybe even taller now, and I don’t become some kind of super dense slime when I’m small.  I’ve hypothesized before that I think it’s stored in my core, since I really started noticing this once that had formed, but there’s too much to just be stored in there, and again, the density would be an issue too, I should have started making some kind of way towards becoming a black hole or something. I’ll send an actual message to the company that supplies my medication to ask about this, see if they know anything about it, because honestly, I’d like to know what’s going on and also, if it’s some kind of weird timelord bigger-on-the-inside deal, that’d be really interesting - not to mention it could be really useful if it’s something we could learn to replicate with technology or something. So yeah, hopefully we can find out more about that if only to satiate our curiosity.

So yeah, that’s the first update for Shapeshifter HRT! Hopefully I’ll actually get to do some proper shapeshifting by the next time I post but until then: See ya!

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Well, here we go, Slimeshifter HRT, and I've got some plans for this next 'season' of this story hehehe, so hope you'll look forward to that hehe. Also wanna add a little something here about @ayviedoesthings 's Dragon HRT and @welldrawnfish 's Fish HRT having ended soon, given that they were some of the first to start writing their stories, and inspired so many of the rest of us to start our own, which has led to a wonderful community where we've made a bunch of wonderful new friends. So sad to see their series each wrapping up, but thankful to them both (and the others who started all this of course) for bringing us all together by lighting the spark that created this awesome community. And on a more individual note, this all also encouraged me to actually start posting my writing, something I'd never done before, let alone maintained a project this long, so I'm really glad to have had this inspiration to actually do this, which has also lead me to putting other (shorter) pieces up as well, and all in all that's been wonderful too, so yeah, really happy for all of that. So yeah, thanks to everyone who started this, and to all the new friends who are a part of this community and who've helped me in writing all this hehe. First - Prev - Next Previous Side Story - Two of One

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