#but thats how fast ive been binging

[biohazard-inevitable]

Human biology: ugh we are sick and need to go to sleep the tv is too bright and its 2 am go to BED we called out of work we couldnt breathe this morning we were so congested

The creature within: BUT THE HYPERFOCUSSSSSS!!! THE AUTISM YEARNS FOR THE ANSWER!!!! STATISTICALLY WE COULD GO TILL 6 am!!!! WE COULD FINISH THE ZOU ARC TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kcalsforhim]

monday 25 november 2024 - 𐙚 ˚🍰 ⋆｡˚⊹❀˖°

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cals : ~900

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dinner : pokebowl with salad mix, cucumbers, carrots, edamame beans, avocado, chicken, spicy mayo dressing, nori seaweed seeds and sesame seeds.

dessert : teramisu cake but made out of biscoff lotus cookies... teehee

midnight overeating session / binge : 2 smoked salmon slices, a small serving of mashed potatos, half a cucumber, an apple, like 10 jelly straws, 3 pieces of candy...

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aha guys remember when i said i would go into binge recovery ? haha i failed. anyway i didnt fail nearly as bad this time, and i did cut myself once for every thing i overate... i just dont undersrand why i keep doing this lol but oh well. i talked with eli about it on a deeper level and i really began to think about it ;; im infact still thinking about it... but generally ive come to the conclusion that i need to stop centralising food so much in my life since its all i can think of.. i also want to go back to omad, and generally only not omad when i feel SICKLY and just go from there. i generally always feel like if im omad'ing i restrict better, the only cases not being when i feel siiiick to my stomach.. but then again... every time i felt sick from restricting so much... it kind of felt amazing too.. im also thinking of feeding my friend, specifically the one close to me since haku has been dieting for a long time and i dont want to overfeed him. generally i think it would be a good idea since i can dispose of food and still keep him happy... i just... really should focus on getting rid of all food that is appealing out of my life as well as just seeing it as fuel... i want to stop indulging so much... thats easier said than done... ive done alot of reflecting and honestly so far in november there has not been a single day where i felt proud of how i did, in comparison to october where i felt like i did great 90% of the days... omad is definently a good starting point, learning to say no more often... in general, food does not run away from me if i dont eat it, even in my own house. i struggle more with sweets than i do with salty stuff, im so afraid of it running away... but i need to stop being afraid... food is not my friend.. i shouldnt like it or indulge in it so much, it damages my progress and the guilt i feel after lasts for days if not weeks now... i really wish i could take controll of myself again.. but. i will. not give up, thats the last thing i want to do. in the grand scheme of things, one month of wasted time is not the end of it, i can pick myself up and i can always fix things and get back on track, i just have to keep trying and pushing... even if its hard or im having my moments where it feels like restricting is literally impossible, i have to keep trying... over... and over... and over... and over... and over... so ive kind of concluded on a few things i want to do moving forward

i want to generally try to restrict as much as i can, this is hard for me, because i actually very much enjoy food, but food is not my friend. i will try to omad as much as i can or just skip meals as much as i can.

avoid fast food places as much as possible from now on, if not all together, fast food places are packed with calories... making at home versions are ok... but i actually felt terrible the last few times and it never felt satisfying ?

stop drinking so many liquid calories...

FOCUS ON PORTION SIZES, i cannot stress this enough, dont try to fit every single last cal into what you can eat... focus on plating a satisfying amount except for plating how much you can eat (with an exception to vegetables).

today i also went out with my friend.. that was fun.. he got me some stuff which is always nice

some body checks i took.. im not very proud of what i look like, i feel like i could look so much better if only i actually tried my best...

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here is some BEAUTIFULL photo's i found online... this is waaay rather what id look like... and i should work harder from now on to get to that point...

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this song is nice and... kind of eery..

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[raineyana]

hi hi! i know u mentioned u lost 40 lbs- i was just wondering if you know how long it took u to do that- we have a similar SW and GW so i was just curious :))

ofc! i've been struggling on and off with a4a for years now, but it wasn't until i got into college that i started being consistent and tracking everything.

i lost 20lbs in my first year of college, and then i went on hormones in my second year of college, and gained it back because i was a lot hungrier. it didn't show very much because i was on testosterone and working out, so a lot of it was muscle.

then, when i went off testosterone, all that muscle went away and i was back to square one.

i'm in my 3rd year of college right now. i started restricting in VERY small increments, because back in high school i had bad binges and m1a, and i was scared of developing it again. i started off restricting 1200-1500, and i lost about 15lbs in the first 6 months. then when i felt a little more comfortable i slowly lowered it down to 800-900, and i lost about another 15 in about 5? over the summer (about 3 months), since i started using tumblr again, im just about to be another 15lbs down, restricting 400-600, 700 as a hard limit, and fasting 16 to 20 hours a day.

ive found that as long as you're patient and wait for results to come, its a lot healthier and less damaging to your physical, and mental health. its really hard to wait, i know, but this is the only method thats worked for me to loose and actually keep the weight off. i wouldn't ever advise going straight to restricting 400-600 without months of experience restricting heavily.

same goes for fasting. when i first got into fasting i saw people doing those 3-day fasts and i wanted to try it. ive learned that for the way i restrict, anything over 24 hours will lead to a binge. i aim for 20 hours, and have two small meals a day (or just snack throughout, ive been incredibly guilty of this lately).

hope this helps! happy restricting :)

[kitkitty]

Stats i guess bc Ive never shared bc its js to much

SW:220 CW: 151 GW:135 GWS:120

so that’s me right now but basically when i realized i needed to lose weight asap before it got to bad, so 2021, 7th grade ended and i hadn’t been on a scale since the beginning of that school year (180) I already wanted to starve myself since 6th grade but i never put my mind to it but i did when i saw i weighed 220 and thats when i was literally terrified and realized how bad it got bc i was binge eat everything like I would buy sm food js so i can lay in my bed and watch movies so yeah that’s was so bad and that where im scared of going back to

Okay now enough of that nonsense so it took me 3 1/2 years to lose 50 pounds which is just wild (may 2021-May 2024) okay and the reason i don’t go up to november is because I was stuck at 170 for these past couple months maintaining weight, and then mid September i just go back into it and i’ve lost around 20lbs bc i actually been trying but now i’m trying to just maintain weight rn

anyways drop tips that help you maintain weight for a while why i don’t fast sm as now???

-kitkitty

[vntildeath]

i really just need to give up the idea that ill reach my april goal

im not like giving up giving up obv thats not how this works lmao

i just like

need to be fucking realistic and use the rest of this month to fix my issues that keep looping

omad, make a fasting goal that never works out due to outside forces, get discouraged, binge, making myself fast as a punishment like an idiot, repeat

fasting as it currently stands in my delusional mind is a punishment for eating, i need to reverse it back to how it was. idk what i did but i fucked myself over currently.

so i will be fixing that

i also lost a fair amount of self control bc NONE of my safe foods have been purchased regardless of me asking for them and it makes it so fucking difficult to make a good decision especially since ive been so low and feeding myself is already difficult and whats easy is also the bad decision

i will be fixing that also

wish me luck for May bc thats when ill mentally restart a proper goal and restart posting logs etc

[puddingseikkx]

ive been stuck in a binge cycle recently and im slowly recovering from it but its still a work in progress and hopefully tmmr goes as planned and i can go to the store and get stuff for my meals i have planned and new dishware cause i hate using the same dishes as people and hopefully my mom/brothers doesnt be stupid and use my stuff i reallly need a mug too i also need a new rice cooker but that can wait bc its expensive but i have a list for things i need and the hardest thing is getting people to not use my ingredients it is mostly vegetables but the fruits ik theyre gonna eat them too so problem there. i hate how my brothers think they can just grab and eat whatever i bought for me especially since they mostly eat junk food like take out and frozen/instant food like stop taking my food go eat your pizza rolls, chips, and ranch leave me and my lean meats, vegetables, soups, and low cal items. this is another reason i wanna move out asap so im saving money but i need another job since i just moved here but my brother is already having trouble getting one so thats making me nervous and i cant drive nor am 18 quite yet so i need to get my permit at least within the next year so i can drive alone by 18 and get a car and everything id say im most worried abt where im gonna live hopefully i can make some good friends already here and we can be roommates for a bit or ig college just so i can live in the student housing at least idk yet but hopefully ill figure it all out soon but i gained abt maybe 11-15kg bc the binge cycle i look like the old me and i hate it ima try implementing a routine

wake up, drink water, bathroom, brush teeth wash face, drink green tea, stretch, do some yoga (not everyday) do wtv i ned to do until lunch, workout, do whatever i need to do, shower before making dinner, brush teeth, stretch and free time and when im fasting similar schedule just try to sleep when i can and stay busy too hopefully i can get everything i need tmmmr

[adhdrexic]

9/12/23

Diary post

well, the past few days I've stayed under 2000 cals which is progress from the 3000+ ive been eating for the past year. im not at the point of weight LOSS yet, but i am maintaining instead of gaining, and thats progress.

its been hard to admit that i have BED as someone whos been anorexic for nearly a decade. nobody talks about how painful it is to feel yourself losing control and not even understanding how to get it back.

my binge eating began because i was so unsatisfied with life that food became the only thing that provided me with dopamine, and it quickly became an addiction. now, its been a year, and im sober off drugs, but not off bingeing. i feel more unhealthy than i ever felt starving and popping stims 5x a day.

throughout the process of developing BED, everyone around me told me constantly how proud they were of my weight gain with no clue about my total lack of self control. they told me how healthy i looked, when in truth, im the most unhealthy ive ever been. and these comments fueled the FUCK out of me to just.. not stop. after all, im healing, right? im getting better?

it took me about 5 months before i was truly aware i had a problem. i had gained 15 pounds and i was happy with that. but then i gained another 5, and another 5, and another 5, and then 10 more. and i realized i couldnt stop.

healing from BED, for me, has been harder than developing anorexia in the first place. until a week ago, when we started talking about habit building and habit breaking in one of my college classes, i had absolutely no idea where to even start. i tried fasting. i binged. i tried exercising. i binged. i tried so much negative self talk it made me consider suicide as my only option.. and i binged... so much. so.. so much.

in all my bingeing, it wasnt until a few days ago that i admitted i had a bingeing problem, and that it had deveoped into BED. but now, here i am, taking the first step. admitting i have a problem.

i learned in my class that a habit consists of three distinct parts, a cue, a routine, and a reward. and through that reward comes KEY WORD craving.

so, my cue was feeling anything, any emotion.

my routine was eating.

my reward was the chemicals that come from eating rich, sweet, salty, calorie dense food.

and then i begun to crave it. and then it became my only way to cope.

so, now i have a mission. create new routines. new habits.

the cue can stay the same, but how i RESPOND to that cue, aka the routine, needs to change. i must do something instead of eating.

something that gives me a reward.

so, ive been writing. but it hasnt worked. so, ive been smoking, but it doesnt work. so, ive been distracting myself in hundreds of different ways, but nothing fucking works. so, what do i do?

my solution, is that i must use my addiction to food to my advantage. i hate using food as a reward, but i must, because it is the only reward that compares to the reward of bingeing.

so, every time i successfully distract myself from eating for at least 30 minutes, i will reward myself with a piece of candy. no matter how i distract myself, i will reward myself.

now, the difficult part is only allowing myself ONE candy. which is where i might have to get my boyfriend involved. The key is that i cant tell him that im rewarding myself for starving, so i must convince him im rewarding myself for something else. so, i guess my distraction will be homework, so i can tell him hes rewarding me for staying focused on my work.

the difficult thing about fixing binge eating is that you cant just get sober from food. its not heroin. its worse. you cant just stop and then have withdrawals and cravings for a while and then eventually get over it. you must learn the art of moderation. and ive never been one for moderation. so this is new to me.

i have one thing by my side, and it is grit and determination. i must, and i mean must stay motivated. i musnt lose sight of this goal. i must prioritize my health.

im not sure if i plan on becoming anorexic again. well, not like i used to be. i simply dont have the means to survive off 500 calories a day anymore. i have college, and a job, and a life i need to be lucid and functional for. but what i can do is slowly lower my goal to 1300 calories a day, roughly maintenance, and exercise regularly. not excessively, but regularly. and slowly, so, so slowly, i should get back to being a shape that i am comfortable being.

one day at a time.

[wildheadtendsherhair]

2023/02/02

Skin Picking

Havent been on here a while since ive been picking so little, its hard to remember to post! Ill take that as a partial win. But anyway, can you guess why im back? Yep, its day 0 again. And surprise surprise, my skin is bumpy and red again. When i was still on my streak, its amazing, i could use however much lotion i wanted and not breakout. It truly wasnt any products, it was just me touching my face all the time. I still got blackheads, but they were so hard to see because they werent red. I was disappointed to to figure out that acne pads arent enough to get rid of blackheads. I think i have to at least scratch off the top layer? I dont know. Grr! Honestly tho when blackheads arent angry i find i dont mind them much. Hardly at all, actually.

Hair

Great. Still so short! I still look like a fairy pixie, but sometimes by nightfall i just look like an oily unkempt person, and its not because of sebum. Just something about the uneven ends and the short length. Tempted to get it cut, but theres not really any good options? Cutting off and inch would probably dramatically decrease the frazzledness, but not comletely eliminate it, *and* it would be an inch shorter. I only have four inches! I wish i kept more track of how fast my hair grows. Ive heard half an inch is average. See heres the thing people dont think about when trimming hair—its inherently temporary. If you trim half an inch, thats one months worth of growth. By the end of the next month, you'll have grown another half inch. But, the growth will be uneven. So youre back to where youve started, right? No wonder it felt like i could not grow my hair out past a certain amount once my mom started making me get "the split ends cut off". Itll probably all be worth it when it gets long. Unkempt but cool & cute wild animal [insert pic of Power]. That said, i do wonder how long itd need to be to get the dorky but clean Queen's Gambit haircut…

Diet

Still doing Weight Watchers. I hecked up this week, ate under. Ended up binging last night. But it was the first time in a long while, so im proud of what ive accomplished. Silver lining, i mean. It was a very sucky experience being that full. Painful, even. But ive recovered! And im gonna be more liberal with my points earlier in the day. No point in being cautious if i can always eat 0-point foods at the end of the day, and it becomes an imperative to not if im regularly hitting the end of the day with spare points. It was a bit of a successful experiment, because i wanted to see if me eating under naturally would hurt me later, and, well… But im a little worried, because me eating whatever and "lots" this morning has only led to a normal breatfast of ten points. And ive been eating until about an hour ago, so i may not be hungry for a timely lunch. :( But i am feeling peckish for a sub, so maybe soon ill order one and not shy away from the sauce. My point target isnt a minimum, its a, well, *target*! Wow! What a riddle!

Mood

Ive been on edge this week, after a week of feeling phenomenally well. I blamed it on work, but, maybe it was my eating? Or its a factor? Hard to say. I do have quite a few things started that i havent finished, and i think those are hanging on my mind; go long enough and it become tiring but you forget why. Its a hypothesis. Other than that, its been a great week. Started a cool playthru with some friends (and its a japanese project too), checked out warhammer for the first time and had a blast, study group has been great, i got back into DDR, and might go with a cool girl this weekend, i drew for the first time in forever and it turned out great (oh man i love my apple pencil). Fruitful month, january was. I might just need to remind myself to and practice relaxing. Worked for my sleep!

[lilgynt]

thunking about how my moms like u know how get obsessive about certain things? Just do that with ur weight and I’m

[shepard-ram]

Non-Liquid Red [Dsmp!Reader & Mumbo]

(P!fluff a tiny bit of hurt, Request: DUDE. I TOTALLY NEED A MUMBO ONE. IVE BEEN BINGING HIS HERMIT CRAFT SERIES AND JUST A READER FROM THE DREAM SMP FINDING CONTENT IN THE INTRICACIES OF REDSTONE AND HAVING FUN JUST BUILDING FARMS WITH HIM BECAUSE IT KEEPS THEIR HANDS AND THEIR MIND BUSY AND MUMBO AND THEM JUST FARMING TOGETHER AND ENJOYING ONE ANOTHERS COMPANY PLEASE.)

(I'm sorry for how long it takes me to get to requests, I'm far from a fast writer. And I'm realizing most of these are 95% dialog)

----------

"I think that should be it!" You gave an exhausted grin. He had said that a few times already. Still when Mumbo jestered the signal to you, you let out a silent wish as you hit the lever for the God knows what time.

He ran back to your side and crossed his fingers watching the newest edition to his industrial district kick to life. You were both covered in the glowing dust that powered all the machines around you. Between all the edits you both had made over the day it felt like nothing could possibly go wrong. And when nothing seemed to break you both burst in victorious cheers.

"FINALLY!" You plopped on the ground right there watching the farms newly produced resources travel up to the storage system. Mumbo sat next to you.

"Seems your excited to be done with me." He light-heartedly said.

"Don't say that like you don't act like a puppy when these things finally work" you teased back. He raised his hands in a silent defense "I get it though, it's satisfying to see it's actually done and working." He nodded in agreement at that. "I get why you guys like doing this so much."

"Did you do alot of redstone back on your server?" He started up another conversation.

"No not all" you answered, "I like to think I'm better than most of them, but the bar wasn't high at all- trust me." You added. "We do have a couple of really smart guys though," you were thinking out loud at this point. "Like Sam, you'd all like him I think."

"Well if you do then I'm sure we would." He sincerely responded. "What is he like?" You had told Mumbo how much you enjoyed being able to talk about the better parts of your old home, and ever since he always tried to get you to tell more stories.

"He's probably the best engineer we have, tall creeper hybrid. Really sweet dude, he taught me most of what I know. I was never as good as him though." You fondly recalled.

"He sounds like Doc." You both smiled at the connection.

"Yeah Doc always did remind of him. Minus all the cyborg bits" you laughed. "Sam could actually make his own if he needed them. Honestly I wouldn't be shocked if they turned out to be long lost brothers or something!" you entertained they thought before shaking your head.

"They both are pretty talented hm?" He hummed even with his lack of knowledge about your friend.

"Oh he is, he made the one big redstone build we have." You sang his praises.

"Really! What's that." Almost immediately feeling some regret as your face dropped.

"Pandora's vault" you added in a much more monotone voice. "A massive inescapable prison complex, made In a way so magic doesn't work. When I left Dream just locked up and Sam was the warden. Terrible place to be, but I can't say I feel bad for the bastard." You scoffed.

You saw that he was speechless at your vent, quickly rushing to lighten the subject. "But this is a great change of pace!" You blurted out. "It's nice to have something to keep myself busy." You added in a more sincere tone. "I like being able to make something that doesn't hurt anyone, it only makes- only helps. You know?"

"Yeah, thats a good way to put it." Grasping for something to say after your monolog. "Sorry if it gets frustrating how long it can for me to get one of these working."

"No no I don't mind at all. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. That's my mindset after all" You gave a small smile with the sincere response. "I really like it here." You truthfully confessed.

"Well, that's nice to know. I'm glad you're here." And after some more talking you decided to go you're separate ways for the night.

[gayspock]

okay tldr im just kinda ... eye twitch at that whole parter LOL

like ehrhgh. SO preface: i think its always the case with "cliff hangers" wherein the reason why they fall flat so often is, like, if the actual cliffhanger itself is so... perfunctory. like they just do it because they felt like they had to leave us hanging on some tense situation - but the thing is, like? you dont NEED to orchestrate that, man; you already had our attention. so its so stupid then if like... they just resolve the situation in 0.2 seconds in the next episode. but its like yknow... its sth a lot of shows do unncessarily and ultimately if it is just a really weird blip when transitioning between eps its like. whatever.

BUT thats all to say... the end of s3 COULD have been a good use of a cliffhanger, yeah? because it's establishing, like, a pretty specific situation with longer lasting consequences than just saving someone from immediate danger in the first scene. but then they FUMBLEDDD ti like...

ough you set up sth genuinely kinda neat. i dont know why they walked it back so fast AND also made the things they did right less effective. like they open up s4 with john sooo alone and its genuinelykinda tragic but then by the end of the ep chiana's already back and its like so what... and then they all IMMEDIATELY reconnect next ep and its like- they dont even really get a proper freaking reaction, when its implied john's been out there alone for god knows how long on a dying ship like... its like nothing happened and

its like. i just feel like if ur not going to utilise the situations you construct - bc this is fiction, and you do construct the situations - why.... construct them? bc if you were gonna reunite everyone with so few consequences, we could have instead spent more time where it was worth instead. but no... and tbh that makes the cliffhanger thing even WORSE bc now u have to waste time walking it back to reset it... and its also a loss of momentum, you know? like- i know im bingeing this, so its a different viewing experience so maybe momentum isnt the right word, but yeah...i guess it just sort of sets the expectations and tone totally out of whack with what they initially establish and not in a good/intentional way

especiallyyyy bc then these two eps after ep 1... arghh!! bc of that they already are building off a strange foundation - but then with these, everything feels so rushed and sloppy. i genuinely had to check- did they kno abt cancellation, pre-production? bc i thought they were trying to speed through it but... naur, like...

farscape in the past has been one of the few shows to pull off the "just fucking throw EVERYTHING IN THERE!" bc it knows how to move quickly, and matter of factly but here its just like... stuff was just weak. i think, usually, when it DOES introduce a lot fast it knows how to really build them up. it uses super simple concepts and then layers them really well. here, not so much... i feel like the whole planet situation was, eh, contrived? is that the best word for it? its introducing a lot of weird mechanics to how it works- and maybe that'd be fine, usually, but again with everything else going on its like they introduce way too much, too fast. like oo-nii, also- i really loved the design, actually, loved the colour, but also kinda a really strange addition in here.

and i hthink its worsened with grammy granola grime bc i SAID I LIKED HER, I DO, but ive always felt with the more "spiritual aspects" (for lack of a better word) such as stark and zhaan they come close but also they kinda ... dont... pull it off ever. SORRY lol. i mean stark- actually stark did have some really good stuff in his first introduction, but i feel like its always so ill-defined in the bad way where it sort of feels like their nebulous abilities are used moreso to plaster over places in stories where they didnt know what to do rather than an actual exploration into something more interesting . like theres always a very shaky core to them- and that kinda sucks, bc you do NEED something even if you are trying to go for mystery or surrealism bc theres a difference between that and just kinda. yeah. anyways

thats all to say like. all of these issues and again entrenching some really important and heavy subject matter... EEK...!

like even just the minor shit. jool and d'argo. eh, man. just burnt through the whole damn thing in this ep... OK, LOL. IDC ABOUT IT? sorry... i just think its so weird how they handle other romances bc johnaeryn are so fucking organic and well-paced and claudia and ben do such a good job with the intimacy between them that just makes it real as fuck whereas like... everyone else is strange, man... eh. why'd you do it. come on man. its a shame bc i praised them in s1 bc they were pretty normal about zhaan and d'argo- kinda saying "oh, there's tension sometimes but otherwise its like eh theyre not super into it theyre just chilling as friends tbh" which is a dynamic that i actually find refreshing tbh... the more casual nature of it, yeah? as its told moreso through subtext and interactions whereas its like man what the fuck. everything with dargo otherwise has been, like, just so tell not show wtf...

and the major shit. i know the confirmation that jool's species are related to humans somehow is important. but its like... amongst this whole ep that whole thing really didnt have any impact bc like i said. its kinda all over. uhm. idk how i feel abt that. uhm well ... i dont like it. ok. SORRY. LOL.

but thats less so about it being done here even if it wasnt so good andmoreso i dont really want... them to be related... i dont know. what i liked about farscape was how it treated humans- john was never something special in the way trek always put "HUMANITTYYY" on a pedestal and forced the universe through human's perspective and culture and morality etc.... i really fucking hope it isnt some, like, "humans are their great ancestors" type of thing, that'd be the worst - ive had enough of that through shitty dw fan theories

and also just, like, in general ughghghg i DONT LIKE it when like.. there's a whole univers,e yes? its so infinitely huge and... well idk if it's coincedental, yet, but i dont like how small it makes the universe feel when it just so happensss that its humans like... AGAIN i think it detracts from whats established already, about how crichton is so far away from everything hes ever known ... it makes everything so much smaller in perspective and its just... ssorry to 🤓 but its soo 🤓unrealistic! AND YES YES YES its a damn fiction show- but i mean... within the established show, is what imean, bc i dont really care about technicalities USUALLY until then yeah its actually affecting the narrative where i think it is here and anyways thats speculation bc

AND OK

CANT SKIP AROUND IT

HEAVY SUBJECT MATTER

right the thing is i said it yesterday. i am not against them deciding to have *that* happen to john, in any capacity. there are respectful and meaningful ways you can explore that type of thing with care.

and its odd. bc i look at the time period this was done - and fucking hell, even comparing it to now - and theres stuff with the execution here thats... and i hesitate to say it, but it's almost... good... like.. im talking specifically about john's reaction and performance bc- god, even nowadays i feel like in media it doesnt always... get handled, well? but god- john doesnt take it well, and it isnt brushed off by the *narrative* in some parts (ehrm).. like i meanthe show knows that thats really fucked up, it acknowledges johns pain, and god like. i dont know; mauybe ben browder's performance was carrying, there, but what i mean is like.. even now i feel like with men, this type of thing isnt taken seriously or depicted like this with the grace given in PARTS of this, but also like...

GOD WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON. AND ALSO... D'ARGOS REACTION. UHM. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S- that just felt so fucking wrong, man. like jesus. and i mean, well, i think sometimes people do project a morality onto characters - expect a perfect reaction to things like this, when thats just not how people are, yknow - and i wouldnt want that either if it wasnt true, as i think an important aspect of this conversation IS reaction/others' perception but.. THIS? COME ON, MAN.. that whole bit is brushed off andits... icky which... again if d'argo and co misunderstood/brushed it off normally i'd be fine but its also like- the show itself brushes off them brushing it off, is my issue? no rumination on their reaction, which as i said an important aspect of that but... yeah. yeah.

and yeah. the thing in the first place- its also just sort of... ugh. like unnecessary. like- bc it isnt really reflected on much here it jsut... i dont think its shock-value territory, but it just feels like kind of a pointless jump to make - something a bit needlessly..,cruel... to approach such a serious topic when you really dont have the space to properly handle that kind of thing right now. and also its not- like from a story perspective it isnt... establishing anything, man, like... you could still have grayza domineering and even have her still like manipulate people through some similar means without that added layer (or hell, even everything up until that part with crichton i was kinda unnerved by but it didnt cross a line for me) and it would still be as effective. its not like the aurora chair or the neural clone wherein the consequences of them both have longstanding implications and do actually properly escalate-escalate, here its just like... alright lets just.. yeah. ok....

anyways

im kinda annoyed jool is now leaving like did her actress wanna go i mean thats okay if thats the case but like i dont like the revolving door character situation we've been having with regards to introducing new people like i just think it'd be fine man if you didnt. LOL

anyways

this isall so negative nancy SORRY LOLLLL im still having fun ofc its just OUGH... i swear, every opener i go through kind of a . ughhpart. at least it feels that way- maybe im misremembering

[lordbib]

Hi lord, are you still accepting asks? If so, 7,22,25,30. Have a great day!

7. 3 fruits that you love the most

1. mango!! its my grandpas favorite and whenever i go to my grandparents house he still cuts it up for me. My favorite is mangga gedong which is more colourful and is the best manggo in general

2. Durian!! its good and its not stinky i love it. i also used to eat this with my grandpa on ramadan after we break the fast.

3. Longan! they're nice and sweet and i can eat a lot of them like rlly fast. i can finish a pack of them in an hour or less hdjsgf.

honorable mention (im too indesicive leave me alone): raspberries! best berry fight me

22. 3 movies/books/tv shows that made you cry

ok but disclaimer EVERYTHING makes me cry

1. Inside out. Bing Bong. Traumatic.

2. Banana Fish. Self explanatory i was sobbing by the second episode holy shit it was bad. 9th episode i had to take 2 days not continuing out of sadness.

3. A Silent Voice. this hit me HARD i was sobbing baddd. Just how symbolic and how it explains the two povs of bully and bullied is just amazing. Go watch it.

25. 3 people you’d never get tired of

i cant choose so this will be like 20 dif ppl

1. My cousins Adri, Nay, and Jin. (tbh especially Jin) jhsdf. We've been really close since we were babiess. Me and Jin are 6 months apart in age and went to school together for like 10 years so yaa we basically saw each other everyday. Adri and i are further apart in age so i dont share my secrets as much with her then i do with Nay and Jin. Nay and i are reallyy close but not as close as me and Jin. Also Nay is currently in boarding school so sadly i only talk to her every two weeks or so.

2. Irls! my friends from my old school who ive known for 8+ years, and also friends from my current school!! Me and the girls from my old school still talk everyday and vc sometimess we have weekly zoom game times. Also my closest friend Sha who isnt answering my dm rn smh (thats a joke shes in school hihi) she is the one who got me into kpop (suprise i like kpop i might post more abt it later on)

3. proceeds to tag all of the levihan server naur but i genuinely never get tired of them hdjfg. let me attempt this hollup. @gremlinelrics @immagoudaboi @callantry @solborealis @mello-jello my lovely parents <3 love u all. also @glassesandswords and @renrampant are technically also my parents but Rens also my sister. dont question it our family tree is a tumbleweed. @snudootchaikovsky my dear grandma <3 @thexanwillshine my dear mother <3 holy shit how will i do this @malunggaybe @lilnazx @mashedpotatoforhanjo @thehyscriptures my dear siblings <3 and also all of these ppl:

@chili-aux @oyzoe @bluesylveon2 @cherryhatesmaths @djmarinizelablog @clickerisha @agoldenheartedsnkfan @free-pancakes @fanmoose12 and so many others i absolutely love with my heart but im way too scared to tag them omg scer sorry for the tag love u all sm <3 i would never get tired of all of u the server is very dear to my heart and i love u all <33

30. 3 moments you could never forget

(ill leave the trauma out of this hsdhs)

1. moving from my school of 10 years and also my friends of 10 years (during a goddamned pandemic too) but it was genuinely a sad and memorable moment a lot of experiences at that school and with those people are also very memorable

2. eids at my grandparents with my family eating, talking, playing. The last 2 eids we havent been able to do that because of the pandemic so i miss it a lott.

3. holidays with my mom! Theyre always really fun

[sanchoyo]

ok some Free Range bnha thoughts. I think I left off around 300 when I paused reading it week to week so I started at 290 to Refresh. obviously, spoilers below the cut , but I'm not saying anything that hasnt been said b4 probably. just My Thoughts. turns out I wasn't like, 80 chapters behind but roughly 30-40, which is. A lot less thank GOD. but yes these are my thoughts (mostly typed as I went, borderline liveblogging lol) as I just binged and caught up completely ✌

-afo needs to Not Be a BodySnatching DICKBAG!!!! love spinners lil moment of wtf. youre not who im following </3 same bestie get your boyfriend and run!!! or pick up ur sword and Stab afo. whichever.

-I really have mixed feelings on the whole todoroki situation that im reserving to talk in depth about until the manga finishes because, im not sure if this is true but ive heard its near its end, and I'd like to see how they tie it up and 'resolve' that situation before being too harsh. but for now: rei was brave to go in the hospital room and talk to endeavor. I think bb touya is SUCH a sad situation. I just feel bad for all of them UGH. my kids now.

-the talk w the ofa users in dekus mind had me kinda laughing, it looks like a kingdom hearts cutscene w the THRONES. also deku quitting school, oof. the series is called my hero ACADEMIA NOT MY HERO DROPOUT!!! (i can make this joke as a dropout. deku 🤝me dropping out I guess) Nana asking if he could kill shigaraki HURT I KNOW SHE DOESNT WANT HIM TO EITHER BUT STILL. READING IT HAD ME LIKE NOO!!! NO!!!!! very happy with dekus answer tho. good egg. u better not. trusting u deku. dont

-first ofa user Pretty. they said his name and I immediately forgot it <3

-dekus vigilante look is SOOO SICK THE EYES MAN!!! obsessed. also all might basically acting as support/sidekick is SOOO good. making him eat n stuff. Dad Alert.

-im glad they brought back some of the villains in the jail break!! it was a rly nice way of showing dekus progress, like the muscular fight was so hard for him way way back when and he just basically took him out super fast/easily now..the Progress!!! I love to see it.

-lady nagant top 10 girlbosses. hawks wishes he was her. chad nagant vs virgin hawks etc etc shes what I wanted his character to be (im not...super disappointed w hawks bc I never 100% believed hed go bad fr like some ppl did, but I loved the fanworks that explored it, and shes basically the Defected Ex Hero I wanted...and shes VERY PRETTY and I am very much a lesbian, so I love her. Her colors too!! are cotton candy colors!!!! and shes got the Guns (literally and also Muscles!!!) she looked afo in the face without flinching and was like oh why Should I Help u U Bastard, no fear at all. even if she ended up working for him or whatever for a few chapters. still A Queen <3 a very small screentime queen but. women in shonen mangas. u know.

-class 1A literally Fighting To Get Deku to Come Home and Bathe. is touching and very sad. the power of friendship plots always GET ME. URGH. BAKUGO!!!!!!! APOLOGIZING!!!!!!! ITS FINE THIS IS F I N E "SAVING PEOPLE IS HOW WE WIN" GOD THE CHARACTER DEVOLPMENT!!! BAKUGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;O;

-I know we've seen it before (or partially) but thirteen has an incredibly cute face. it has to be said

-NAME a more iconic duo than uraraka and that bigass megaphone

-ragdoll SPOTTED. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-and the guy from the very first chapter!!! this dude has always been the real mvp. hes stll being nice and supportive. king. give him a spinoff

-im glad they explained why kurogiri(and, bc we havent seen them, im assuming also gigantomachia and compress?? are also there or somewhere thats kept private??) werent in the jailbreak (that they carted them off elsewhere) I was wondering abt that...

-all the callbacks really makes this arc feel FINAL. my god, even the woman all might saved from kamino is back!!! I knew abt stain coming back (tho I didnt know exactly what hed do) but seeing HER got me for some reason. anyway. gay icon stain . also feminist ally stain (slitting the 'woman collector' guys throat) we have no choice but to stan

-tsukauchi stubble???? ok??? its a look I guess. is all might into it

-'shigaraki tomura will be a Complete Vessel in three days time' NO THE FUCK HE WONT!!!! STOP THAT. THATS ILLEGAL

-THE WAY STARS AND STRIPES IS DRAWN MORE LIKE A WESTERN COMIC IS SUCH A NICE TOUCH LMAOOO SHES SO AMERICAN. HER QUIRK IS INSANE ALSO. ALSO SHES FROM THE MOVIE WHAT?? I REMEMBER HER. god they really are bringing every nameless minor character back im EMO

-...has spinner just been stuck in a cave with afo. stuck with him, sassing him. this is hilarious to me for some reason god I would be at my fucking limit. spinner stay strong you amazing wonderful funky guy. wheres the rest of the league. LOOK at spinners face, hes so done with this I cant. this is the Most Important Thing.

-'the one who SPINS this tale' look I know its a line from afo but that RULES and hes right. spinner is SO important. stan spinner or Die

-god, the league members basically being promoted to being cult leaders/borderline WORSHIPPED 'hold them sacred, endow them with divinity' thats SO RAW I'm!!!! losing it like they all came from nothing now theyre SYMBOLS. my god. spinner doesnt even seem happy about it, none of the league members they were showing looked remotely happy. Makes U Think...

-

hot. next question (wait is it weird to simp when hes partially afo. hm.) (also that HAIR GROWTH!!!!!! NEVER CUT IT NEVER NEVER NEVER.) it spontaneously grew after I typed that, so consider ME pleased

-YESSS MR WORLDWIDE COME TAG AMERICA WE LOVE U HERE. ABSOLUTE JOY. sorry about the fact ur fused with afo rn and will possibly have uhh. identity related crisises and traumas from this later but. glad u look like ur havin fun :')

-damn america getting his ass. im so sorry :( (but also, kicking afo ass which is a good thing?? SOO conflicted I dont want tomura to die but afos gotta GO)

-again, hot, which is conflicting bc afo is very much also present, but, cmon, its tomuras body and face....n probably at least 25-50% tomura still...:/

-im...glad?? they delayed the complete fusion?? but owchie. at what cost to my boy :(

-the scene with afo patting shigaraki (who is thrashing around on the floor) parallels the scene of that happening when afo had taken in shigaraki at first and he was on the floor crying and wanting to kill those random alley thugs!!! that has to be intentionally calling that back, right? the imagery is very similar. again, loving the callbacks

-I rly thought they were gonna make invigirl the traitor and i was like ok who Cares abt that tho. then they did a lil switcharoo and made it MY BOY AOYAMA?? MY SWEET SON WHO I SHARE A BIRTHDAY WITH??? WHAT THE FUCK!!! HOW DID I NOT GET SPOILED ON THIS?? I remember the cheese stuff and being like haha good red herring. FUCK!!! NO!!!! hes such a good boy im WEEPING. HE WAS ORIGINALLY QUIRKLESS TOOOOO NOOOO!!! baby. babyboy. hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever, and omg invisible girls FACEEEE SHES SO CUTE. but god. aoyama. and dekus reaction to his whole story and still reaching out to him I AM. EMO. the drama of it alllllll . hes literally one of my fav student characters in this class and HAS BEEN FOREVER bc I love his whole knightly costume and SPARKLES and this just made him SKYROCKET FURTHER ON MY LIST OF CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. hes so so so good. I need everyone to take a moment to just. Appreciate him.

now

appreciate

HER

-THIS is what absolute perrfection looks like. look at her!!! her belt is a cat. cat girls always win and save the day.

-toga sucks her own blood as a ?? comfort thing?? thats. should I say cute?? would it be weird to call that cute. would it be weird to say dabi burning her house down was also very cute, and nice, because she said it too, so like. very nice of him. top 10 reasons hes not Totally Lost: hes Nice to His Friends :)

-spinner being the...new symbol/leader in redestros place is SO???? UGH. UGHHH. HES ALWAYS BEEN A FOLLOWER AND NOW HES JUST BLINDLY FOLLOWING ORDERS TO BE MADE A SYMBOL, OR WHATEVER, I GUESS. very sad and I feel like him saying 'it doesnt matter what I think, this cant be stopped' are u implying u want to stop it. u can. u gotta. reach out to him man u HAVE TO BE THE ONE!!! its the bakugo/kiri kamino situation all over again. even if deku has to guide u it HAS TO BE U!!!! STOP FOLLOWING AND THINK FOR URSELF!!! U CAN DO IT!!!!!! 'anyone can become someone elses hero' YEAH HES GONNA. U BET HES GONNA. I BELIEVE IN HIM!!!

-....YOU NAMED YOUR STRONGHOLD TROY???...ALRIGHT. SURE. THATS FINE AND NOT WORRYING. I mean we already KNOW the war is gonna Go Down But. cmon man. CMON.

-togachako REAL

-shouto is too good for this world he wants to go to dinner w his big bro :( DABI COME HOME 2K22

-im sure ppl have figured out theories about this before but, something about the way they phrased it when they were wondering why afo needed tomuras rage (and why he was always smiling, implying smth is Fucking Wrong with Him, besides all the Murder and Crimes) had me like. hm. are we.. actually going to get more afo backstory at all or an in depth explanation for that? I'd kind of like to, even if I think its fine if we don't because we Get The Gist and idk how much the creator wants us to sympathize/understand his character beyond the ~evil demon king~ (and thats not me saying he needs anything beyond that, tbh not every villain needs it and esp not the big bad in a lot of cases) but. this story, esp in this last arc has us AND the main characters sympathizing with the villains a Lot and exploring why theyre like that, and it makes me wonder if theyll extend that to him at all, or just, keep trying to Get His Ass. And we do know togas quirk is the reason shes Like That, so it doesnt feel like a stretch to say afos quirk is why hes Like That also. (NOT ME SAYING HE NEEDS ANYTHING LIKE REDEMPTION DEAR GOD. AFTER WHAT HES PUTTING MY BOY THRU. ARGH. deku would have to be a SAINT. which he is, but...) actually, proof of this is also just. him going after star and stripes quirk KNOWING tomuras body wasnt finished, even saying it was a risk but basically being like. 'well..but... I WANT it. even if i know its dangerous to get it Right Now. But I want it Right Now.' as a reason KJDSHKJASNJ its very likely thats the case. quirks being a very literal nurture vs nature exploration I guess?

-very glad I typed all the above out WHILE reading bc if I wouldve waited, I wouldnt have had a coherent thought. its almost 5 AM but I am...caught up. And about to look at leaks before I sleep >:")

[youngmanifest]

12/7/21

Cw 177lb - 5'2" BMI 31

Right now im "medically considered obese"

Havent always been this way. 5 years ago i was 115lbs and didnt see how thin i was compared to now. I ate healthy, constantly rode my bike and didnt drink as much alcohol. Now i have stretch marks in places i hoped to never have, on my tummy and sides and even small ones up around my armpit. I can never get rid of those now and i need to stop from getting more. I hate my body now. Ive hated it for years.

Ill do anything to get back to that size so i can actually appreciate it and dress the way i want to dress now.

Id be more confident, have cleaner skin and be happier in myself, and actually enjoy taking photos of myself.

Today is the first day of my fast. I havent eaten a meal since 9pm yesterday. Its now been 22hrs of fasting. Ive drank hot tea all day, had 2 snack size packs of seaweed (25cal a pack) totalling at 50cals all day.

Im home now and making more tea, and munching on one raw stick of carrot which is about 30cals.

How long can i keep this up? Thats up to my will power, which when it comes to food i have a hard time with. I need to rewire my brain to not need it so much and so often.

Im hoping i can update this in a week or so with a lower weight. I need all the inspo i can get to keep my head on track of my goal.

Gw 120lb

Ugw 115lb

12/8/21

CW: 175lbs

Im down 3lbs from last night.

Haven't eaten over 500cals in almost a day and a half. Been fasting/ restricting my eating for 35hrs now.

Must. Keep. Going.

Still restricting since 9pm monday (12/6 evening): total restricting hours right now : 43hrs.

While at work today (12/8) from 8am-5:30pm

I have had 1 pack of liquid IV (45cal)

1 black coffee, hot tea (all day ive lost count of how many cups)

2 seaweed packs (50cal)

Half a pack of salted peanuts (about 150cals)

I cheese stick (80cal)

Total cals during the day: 325cal

Still drinking tea and water

I also spent only about 3-5mins on the bike for high intensity cycling for about 2 laps around the office which burned about: 35cals

Total is :290cals

Havent decided how much dinner i will eat tonight. My boyfriend and i always cook and eat dinner together, im not telling him im restricting my food, but i told him i was fasting. Ill probabaly eat a little bit of our green chef keto meal tonight which usually is under 700cals.

This morning i weight 175, just looking foward to see if ive lost anymore when i get home.

Writing this out on my blog will hold me accountable and allow me to look at each day to keep myself going!

Ok so, 12/10/21

Im actually pretty proud if myself for how well ive been restricing my food intake and calories. Since monday 12/6, ive stayed below 900 cals a day. Ive only had one actual meal since wednesday 12/8 and even that didnt go above 800cals.

Ive added little bits of cardio and mild activity.

On wednesday i weighed myself after i ate, and i was back at 177lbs, so that was a bummer. But last night i weighed myself after eating only small stuff and lots of liquids all day and was back at 175lbs so i know what will get me to lose more.

But im sticking to it and havent binged all week so im proud of myself 🥲

[trylobite]

ok so i was tagged by @tantamount-treason to do this lil thing??? and ive been blessed w a bunch of new besties lately and im bored <3

1. vulnerability is..

i think most people see vulnerability as a weakness because thats what the media has always portrayed it as, but its really a strength in my opinion. being afraid of vulnerability can be so isolating and prevent us from forming solid, intimate relationships with people. learning how to be vulnerable and embracing vulnerability is learning how to understand ur emotions and how to project them in a way thats authentic. it sounds like bullshit but i swear once u realize being vulnerable is actively choosing to be open and honest about ur emotions ur life can get so much easier

2. you’re called to do something brave, but your fear is real and stuck in your throat. what is the first thing you do?

honestly…. doing something brave… being the overthinker i am that wording is leading me to believe that something perilous is involved and i just dont do well under pressure so probably i would cry and panic :) and do like a cute quick little pros and cons list idk this feels like a very time sensitive thing and thats just not my strong suit

3. what is something people often get wrong about you?

that im super confident and social and that i can easily talk to anyone. while i understand why people think this way, im actually only talkative because im nervous and dont like uncomfortable silence so im overcompensating by making pointless and fast paced conversation.

4. whats the last show you binged and loved?

maybe the good place or big little lies! i rewatched them both recently and theyre just literally perfect shows idk

5. give us a film you really love!!!

AHHH i have so many wtf um…i really enjoy the 2018 smash hit box office ball buster “ophelia” with rey from star wars (ms. daisy ridley) its just so good and it was all i could think of at the moment but i have so many movies that id die for and love so much so i dont think its fair to rank them

6. a concert you’ll never forget?

i went to atlive last november to see cage the elephant and greta van fleet but metallica was headlining. i assumed the metallica fans would be kind and caring but these specific fans were the exact opposite and ruined the experience for me sadly and ill never forget it since it was my first time seeing cage and theyre my favorite band in the universe :/// but thankfully i did get to see their performance as well as gretas and they both did awesome!!

7. whats ur favorite meal ?

bro i couldnt even tell you… some soup or bread idk hot girl meals u kno the drill

8. whats on ur nightstand right now?

ok so context. my nightstand is a three tier corner shelf so i put like my drinks n shit on there sometimes and like my rings but its mostly for decoration so right now on the top shelf we have 2 edward scissorhand funko pops and a fishtank cool tree decoration and an incense burner that looks like a japanese tower thing? and also a dobby figurine, then the next shelf down we have a shelf dedicated to frog memorabilia and has a salt lamp on it and then the next shelf down has some stuffies and books and a sketchpad!!

9. give us a snapshot of an ordinary moment in your life that brings you great joy.

this is hard bc i think i dont take the time to actually reflect on all the small simple things that bring me joy very often but recently ive started coloring in childrens coloring books (not the adult coloring books those r too elaborate) and that brings me so much joy. showering and being in the shower also brings me so much joy and peace i just feel so cut off from the world in the shower its nice :’)

10. what is one thing you’re deeply grateful for right now?

my cat! her name is newspaper but also bestie. like newspaper is her official name but i literally only call her bestie and she likes it. also my frog willie nelson i love him so much and i hope he lives forever and is immortal and rules the world. i also am thankful for books for being a place for me to run to when i feel really bad bc thats been happening kinda alot recently. OH and ofc for all my new pals as well as my old jackass pals aka my bff, boyfriend, husband, and life coach johnny knoxville aka pj clapp my angel <3

literally if anyone read all of these shit ramblings i will give u a big ole kiss on the cheek with consent bc thats fucking crazy and most of it was probably illegible so thank u

i dont really like tagging other ppl in these things bc it feels like a call out but ill do it anyways bc i wanna hear what u r gonna say <3 @viva-la-jackass1 @count-ravioli

[pikslasrce]

Hii! 1, 7 and 19 for the ask game? <3

(Also hope your exams went well so far!)

1. How did you find out about Bastille?

ok so! my first bastille encounter was the way back year of 2013 (i think?) at the ripe old age of 11 when things we lost in the fire was all over the radios and stuff. i have a vague recollection of seeing the mv on vh1. i didnt know it was them tho and i only ever knew the chorus but i held it dear to my heart, also i thought dan was australian bc of the accent. fun times. i never bothered to look the song up

fast forward to 2020/2021. i decided i shall expand my music library since for the past 17 years of my life i was kinda listening to the same 40 (😬🤚) songs on repeat skdjsdhfgh

anyways ive been seeing a lot of ancient tumblr screenshots talking abt hozier and bastille and all that. so i was like. gosh i gotta check out all those popular artists the people on tumblr talk abt so much. but i forgot dkjhggskjhg

then i saw a tumblr post talking abt things we lost in the fire by bastille (duh). i was like wait hang on omg it cant be. so i forgot all abt it. then i got a YOUTUBE RECCOMENDATION for the song and i was like omg i forgot to check if it was that song from my childhood. obviously. it was.

then after like some time of listening just to twlitf i decided to go on a binge but for some reason through random youtube recs.

either way i wasnt truly sold until i heard warmth reorchestrated which kinda pushed the momentum and now im. here.... simping...

7. What’s your favourite thing about the Bastille fandom?

well first of all! one fandom one mind one braincell. the memes. the friends ive made on here ofc and yeah. all that. esp on tumblr i mean thats the only fandom space i occupy so yeah dkjfjdhg

19. Favourite Bastille Live Lounge and why?

sadly i dont have an opinion on this yet since ive been a little lazy with catching up with those 🙈🙈🙈