#but never important enough to be a priority
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I am forever haunted by Nate and Tessa's fucked up and terrible sibling dynamic. Maybe it's just because I related to Tessa too hard when I was twelve and heard "this is her older sibling who's the coolest person in the world and reuniting with him is her number one priority" and went "yup, makes sense!" but his betrayal is genuinely one of the defining aspects of TID to me.
Sibling relationships are such an underexplored way to fuck somebody up in fiction, in my opinion. Nate has been the one constant in Tessa's life, and no matter how aware she was of his flaws that could never overrule the fact that he's her person. She trusts him on a fundamental level that she just can't experience with anyone else, and part of it is because of how fleeting all her other relationships have been, but a lot of it is just the fact that he's her brother and she's loved him for as long as she's been alive. More than that, she idolizes him. Her entire life crumbles around her when Aunt Harriet dies and she ends up held hostage by the Dark Sisters, but Nate is still there and perfect in her mind. He's her anchor when everything else goes insane; if she can just find her brother then things will be okay again. She's more able to handle her world being shattered by learning about the supernatural because all that magic shit is secondary to the fact that she needs to save Nate.
And then of course she does save him and he turns around to betray her. And again, it hits harder than any other betrayal possibly could because he's more important to her than anyone else could possibly be. By this point she's built up bonds with Will and Jem and the other people at the Institute, and eventually they all become woven into her being, but not when she's sixteen and has known them for a week.
Looking at it from Nate's perspective, the thing that's always fucks me up is the way he tries to convince himself that he sees Tessa as a monster. He's genuinely just a shitty enough person that he set his sister up to be a child bride for a mass murderer because of the payout, but he can't handle thinking of it that way so he clings to this idea that Tessa isn't really his sister, isn't really human. And while yes, that's biologically true (they're not even technically related to each other), it doesn't change the fact that they're siblings in every way that matters. She'll always be his little Tessie, even if he doesn't want to admit it, doesn't want to let himself be the villain in this situation. He does the same thing with Harriet, arguing that she deserved to die because of all her lies because otherwise he would need to admit that he killed his mother out of pure selfishness.
Nate isn't the most evil guy in the world, but he is greedy and allergic to principles. It's so much worse than if he never loved Tessa, because he does love her till the very end and that love just isn't enough to override the allure of wealth and power. That's always the most painful type of relationship to me; the one where a person has just enough good to make it impossible to unequivicobly hate them.
Maybe Will could just write Nate off as a terrible person, but Tessa will always know every detail of his best and kindest moments. I have to believe that he haunts Tessa for the rest of her immortal existence, this knowledge that the person who made her life worth living for the first sixteen years was the one to sell her out. All the pain in the world isn't enough to erase that bond; she'll always have to live with the memory of him dying in her arms, the knowledge that his goodness and love was just as genuine as his duplicity.
Yeah this ended up being a lot longer than I intended, I just have a lot of feelings about the Gray siblings. Nate wasn't a part of the world where Tessa eventually found a home, she'll never have anyone else who understands the knot of emotions surrounding him. She can get sympathy but never empathy. Yes the rest of the TID crew are aware of him, but they barely met him and she outlived all of them too. Nate's so lost in her past, I bet that most people don't even realize that she used to have a brother, that she grew up as a sister, as half of a set. She carries the Gray name forward through her immortal life, and nobody else knows about the family that used to share it. She's still got Jem and Magnus who have been her friends since she was a teenager, who keep the memory of Will and the others alive; but no one else was there for her childhood.
I'm not quite sure how to end this, I'm just feeling emotions about Tessa Gray on this fine Tuesday and felt like sharing them.
#i imprinted on tessa in seventh grade and i will never be free of her#she had a whole life for sixteen years in america and it ended with zero witnesses#the shadowhunter chronicles#shadowhunters#the infernal devices#tid#tessa gray#nate gray#tsc#my analysis
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Oh yeah I never noticed his arm is tucked in but yeah it is so awkward to give a full hug with one arm like that. His left arm should be under Will's around Will too. That's how group hugs work. You don't strategically avoid people.
And what's more is that Lucas and even his own grief over Max are definitely his priority right now. Which means that he has internalized this deep. He is not focusing on Will. But he is still able to be distracted just enough to, ironically, probably argue to himself "don't get distracted/distract by making this about you and Will. Don't hug him."
Because, like you said, touch is this intimate act between them now. Which makes total sense. He came to terms with his feelings and now he doesn't know what was platonic and what was romantic because where he trusted himself to stop at a platonic place when that's all he wanted, he doesn't now.
But I don't think he's ashamed of it anymore. I think he just thinks of it as bigger than it is. He won't steal or distract others or himself from this important moment of grief by having a romantic moment with Will. And by romantic moment, he means, of course, touching hands in a group hug.
But we know that he isn't ashamed of it anymore because once they're in an appropriate situation for that again:
He's fine. When the moment is supposed to be between him and Will, he's fine.
But he thinks of touching Will as an active choice now. An event.
just mentioned this in a different post but i'm gonna mention it again.
this hug is mike-wheeler-is-gay proof, or, specifically, mike-wheeler-loves-will
now, stay with me. "what about the hospital reunion" "what about the season three finale" "what about the airport disaster"
no. it's this one.
will is hugging his friends. lucas is hugging his friends.
mike is half hugging lucas and has his other arm pulled in. will's hand is over his (which is not romantic), but mike's eyes are open and he glances at their fingers for a second while he's talking to lucas.
and he isn't uncomfortable hugging boys in general, but with will he seems to think it is too intimate now.
and, whats funny is will isn't thinking of it as romantic. he's just excited to see his friend in the airport, and here in this scene he is comforting lucas and grieving max. but mike is making it weird
im probably articulating this poorly but this is very much gay of mike
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Wonwoo suddenly shares his location with you.
He was in the middle of a park.
He texts something about going on a date. An off handed comment about how he’s having a good time.
He’s in the middle of tour. . . . And he’s on a date?
You think, ’have I not suffered enough? not only did I lose you, now I have i watch you fall for another?’
He tells you about the long walk he just took through the park.
He says, “the trail was longer than expected,”
You reply, “.”
And you turn your read receipts off. Having had them on for him so long ago.
Desperately, you start looking for any evidence he’s on an actual date.
Turns out, it’s a date w his members. A simple text from hoshi confirms it. He answers your sneaky text without any hesitation and he unsuspectingly tells you the park him and his members are at is very nice.
The relief that floods your body is embarrassing, to say the least.
Then you think, ’is Wonwoo trying to make you jealous? Couldn’t possibly be, right? What could he possibly gain from lying to you?’
He keeps telling you about the park.
You text, “wonwoo.” And “stop.”
Suddenly, “why did you like me?”
His true thoughts linger in the air. ‘What was so special about him?’
Unspoken and doubtful.
You ignore it at first. It’s been months. You’re over him. You’ve spent the better half of the past year struggling with your feelings. With your loss. Your best friend, no longer able to call him that. You lost Wonwoo.
And you have this thought and text it.
“doesn’t matter. doesn’t change what happened,”
Wonwoo immediately reads it and that’s that.
But his text racks your brain. You think. And eventually, hours later—you reply.
“You’re kind. It’s what got me first. It was the way you remembered the little things—my lunch orders, important dates, my favorite bands.”
Your kindness went beyond words. I was always grateful to see you. You made my day without knowing it. I was comforted by the mere thought of you. You, who treated others so sweetly. You, who spoke softly, but never hesitated to speak your truth. You were confident, but always humble. You, who I saw in your suffering and you let me in,”
Made my heart constrict in my chest to the point it started hurting,”
Your eyes twinkled, even if you didn’t know it,”
The way you looked at me, I was able to convince myself you felt the same. Those nights we spent under the stars, tracing constellations with our fingers, laying next to each other, your phone playing whatever song you knew I was obsessed with at that time. Your smile permanently etched into my mind. You emitted more warmth than any blanket ever could provide. Your happiness was my own,”
And having you? Being by your side? Even if it was just at the ends of my day?”
God, it was more than I could ever ask for”
I knew you didn’t feel the same way. You were starting to drift from me. But, I knew I couldn’t keep It within myself for any longer. I had to tell you the truth. I had to come clean,”
Wonwoo, I loved you. More than I could ever express with my words. More than you or anyone could ever imagine. I didn’t care that you always saw me as a second priority, that you never put me first,”
I was happy to have you in any way I could. That’s how I knew I would never recover from this unrequited love. Recognizing that, and saying it aloud, nearly killed me. The pain in my chest whenever I saw you started to spread to the rest of my body,”
My mind. It racked for an explanation and it accepted excuse after excuse. It told me lies,”
Wonwoo I loved you and even if that hurt me, especially so, I was so terrified of losing you that I pushed that love deep within me. Hidden. Always lurking,”
But the thing about love is it can never be hidden for very long,”
You pause. He’s reading text after text. Your messages are full of typos and rushed commas. Each bubble changes from delivered to read. You don’t care. You need to say this now or you’re afraid you never will.
“The thought of having you for the rest of my life lingered in me. I wanted to see your glowing. I wanted your light in my life. I wanted every side of you. You were more than a love to me. You were you, and that’s why I loved you,”
And he leaves you with those thoughts and never replies back.
Pain. It’s all you feel. Disappointment. Embarrassment. Hate. You hate him. You hate him for bringing these feelings up after so long. If you had just talked it out then, would things have been different?
You fall asleep dreaming about the stars that night.
I keep having dreams where Wonwoo and I are exes. Wrote this after waking up from another dream. Proofread on the train. Is it possible to hurt from something you never had? I’m not sure. But the ache that lingers in my chest after I wake up? Yeah, I’d believe it.
#wonwoo#jeon wonwoo#seventeen#seventeen x reader#wonwoo x reader#jeon wonwoo x reader#wonu#wonu x reader#seventeen blurb#seventeen fanfic#seventeen angst#angst#bitter exes#kpop#kpop x reader#svt#svt x reader#svt x you#no y/n
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Chapter Twenty-One: Friend Or Foe, Part II
Gates Of Hell
Word Count: 4.1k
Warnings: amnesia, needles, guns, death, guilt
[A/N: since the last chapter showed what steve was up to, i figured we should find out what was happening to mini hopper over here... *hint* it's not fun]
Friend Or Foe, Part II
“Which is why I’m sorry.”
You push him, the faceless boy, into a void. There are so many noises echoing across concrete walls, a splintering boulder bashing against the door, your only exit.
At first, you just stand there, staring as the open wall closes itself, a cry of your name thrown from the other side. And then you hear snarls, growls, monsters. You run.
But there is nowhere to run.
You’re caged in a corner, creatures drawn from the shadows, covering your face as you prepare for the end.
“WAKE UP”
You wake up with a gasp, twisting the soft cushion below you and immediately open your mouth to call for- Your breath stops in your throat. Who were you calling for?
Leaning on your elbow, you take a look around the furnished room. You fell asleep on the couch again. How many times was this now? At least eight, you think. You aren’t entirely sure how many days you’ve been down here.
You send a quick glance to the new pile of clothes waiting on the armchair opposite, a soft frown pinching your eyebrows. You still didn’t know where Brenner got them from. He left a different assortment every so often. You tried not to think about if they came from a deserted store, or somewhere much more morbid.
As you walk past, you grab a grey sweatshirt and pull it over, staring down at the sleeves.
You’ve worn something like this before. A hoodie of some kind. You remember it brought you comfort. You remember… it wasn’t yours.
A frustrated sigh echoes the room as you drag your hands down your face. Once again, you couldn’t locate the boy your brain so itched to find.
Brenner was helping you with your memories. Every day, you would do some mind exercises, incredibly mundane but so so important to you. At the end of each session, you’d take your medication and try to continue what he was teaching. You didn’t want to be stuck in this bunker forever, but how were you meant to leave when you couldn’t even find the door?
Besides, Brenner treated you with kindness. There were worse places to be in an apocalypse.
You take a deep breath, nodding to yourself. Today would be the day. You were going to remember.
The door creaked a familiar welcome when you leave the room, staring down the hall. You wonder if you have enough time to go exploring again.
A consequential part of the bunker you couldn’t wrap your head around was the lack of time. There wasn’t a single clock on the walls you so often wander around. Brenner always seemed to know exactly when everything should happen, however. Your tests, sleeping schedules, appropriate times to eat. And yet, you’ve never managed to catch him with a watch on his wrist.
You find the central part of the building, staring up at it with awe, as you did every single time. Here, there were separate floors for separate doors, all circling you as you stand in the middle. This section of the bunker made it seem much bigger than you had assumed it to be. In fact, the label bunker didn’t seem to match the grand scale of it. Although, you weren’t sure what else to call it now. A base, perhaps.
None of the doors here opened, windows blacked out with paint. Whether they were like that before or after Brenner moved in, somebody didn’t want you seeing inside those rooms. You were curious about them, as anyone else would be, but they weren’t a priority for you; finding the missing pieces of your memories were.
You’ve had several flashes of your forgotten past flash into your mind at random points over the past few days, but none gave you enough information to decipher what you were seeing. Just yesterday you had been staring down the same hallway you were now stood facing, imagining the lights flickering wildly with a panicked thrum of your heart beating against your chest.
You wondered when you would give up trying. It was silly, really, to constantly be wondering that when Brenner always told you positive thinking would better the results. You couldn’t help it. You supposed part of you must have always been expecting the worst outcome. You didn’t even remember who you really were. Did you really want to remember?
...Were you worth remembering?
Do the people who you left behind want you to remember-
“Why do you do that? Act like you aren’t someone important, when you most definitely are.”
You blink, footsteps frozen. It had just been a whisper in your mind, a calming voice. You’d been hearing it a lot lately, mostly in your dreams, sometimes when you’re overthinking like this. He was still faceless, whoever it was ushering sweet words of emotional relief. If you could just see him, the boy in your dreams, you’re sure you’d finally find that missing piece.
“We should rethink this.”
You stop again, head turning to the hallway with a confused expression. That voice most certainly wasn’t in your head. And it didn’t belong to anyone you knew, either.
“Calm down, this is what we’ve wanted since we started this whole thing.”
Brenner’s voice drifted down the hall this time. Without another thought, your feet are guiding you to the murmurs of conversation, curiosity proving it had you rather than reversed.
The speech between two men was louder when you reach the door at the end of the hall, concealing yourself around the corner and peering into the room.
From the gap in the door, you could make out a face you hadn’t see before. He seemed to be similar in age to Brenner, sporting a long white lab coat. His right hand was fiddling with the pen between his fingers, a nervous trait if you ever saw one. He was a little shorter than the man stood in front of him, his face twisted into some sort of conflicted emotion. From the discussion you were overhearing, it was clear he was in the opposition.
“Can it not wait longer?” He persisted, taking a step forward. “We can find another way. I just need time-”
“We’re out of time.” Brenner interrupts, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’ll be alright, my friend. Think of all the things we can…”
His voice trails off, retracting his hand and straightening his back. You can’t see his expression from where you’re stood, but the man he was with seemed confused by it.
“Y/n.” Brenner suddenly turns around with a smile. Your stomach drops in shame. You obviously weren’t as inconspicuous as you hoped. “Please, come in.”
You take a few tentative steps into the room, observing the machines with various enticing buttons. There was a giant window at the back, replacing the wall. Except, you couldn’t see out of it. A giant shutter was rolled down, stopped just before completely covering the space and leaving a slither of light at the bottom. You frown at the sight. A giant window. In a control room…
“Okay.” A girl breathes out, slotting the key into a metal door. “We lock the door anytime we leave, just in case. We take shifts so some of us end up sleeping between. Don’t wanna be blind-sided.”
“It’s a good idea.” You say and she smiles.
“This way.” She announces as she swings open the door.
It was like stepping into a sci-fi movie. Lab equipment everywhere, some now lifeless machines, a large glass window overlooking rows of metal staircases, cages.
And a giant gate to hell staring back at you.
“This is Dr. Owens.” Brenner interjects the swirling memories, stepping forward. You peel your eyes away from the shutters and finally acknowledge the men standing in front of you. “I have brought him here to help with your memories. He’s very skilled in this area.”
Owens was happily nodding, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. You think you’re pretty good at reading people, consequence of the years you would sit and observe on the outside of many conversations. This man looked… sad, in some way.
“It is a pleasure to meet you. I hope my sudden appearance isn’t alarming in any way.” He offers a hand and you shake it, feeling the slight tremor in his grip. Something felt wrong.
“Well, shall we begin today’s session?” Brenner claps his hands and Owens retrieves his, nodding and walking out of the room.
You watched as he turned right towards the centre of the base rather than left to the room you’ve been conducting these sessions for weeks.
Brenner notices your confusion and places a hand on your shoulder. “We’re moving to a different room this time. Nothing to be worried about, I assure you. We just need some better equipment for this.”
He barely gives you time to think, the hand on your back guiding you out the door before you can even remember the window at the back of the room, holding a secret the universe didn’t want you to find.
“Before we begin today’s session, I’ve been meaning to take blood samples from you.” Brenner announces as you sit in an uncomfortable chair, the metal entirely different from the plush sofa you usually rest on.
“Blood samples?” You question, and Brenner smiles that same smile he’s shown you since your coma. When you think a little harder about his kindness now, did his show of comfort feel… forced?
“Are you sure she’s ready for that now?” Owens surprises you with his interjection, stepping into view beside you. “Maybe you should give her a little more time with the medication, I’d hate to-”
“Why don’t we ask her how she feels about it?” Brenner suggests, leaning forward to meet your eyes. “We don’t have to do this today. It’s simply to help us monitor if there’s perhaps something a little more medical than amnesia happening.”
More medical than amnesia? You think to yourself, glancing over at the tray of needles. This contrasted the last sessions dramatically. Every nerve in you screamed ‘no’, to refuse their help. But that crippling fear seemed to outweigh it; what if you never remembered?
Maybe this was one of those risks you have to take for the better.
“It’s okay.” You nod, turning to the man beside you. “I’m willing to do whatever.”
You assure the new doctor you’re alright, but his eyes were racked with an emotion you’ve witnessed and felt numerous times. Guilt.
It sends a shock of a memory: holding someone’s hand, tears running down your face, a hospital bed you didn’t occupy. Your sister. Sara. How your heart ached with her absence. How guilty you felt when you assumed your father would replace her. The girl was so sweet, she didn’t deserve your hostility. The girl. Who was she?
Who was she?
A number.
9?
10?
1-
“We must start.” Brenner interrupts, and the memory is fading.
“Wait!” You stand from your seat and Owens pauses with the needle in his hand, waiting. Brenner wasn’t so patient.
“Did you change your mind?” He questions, tilting his head. He had barely moved from his seat, even in recognition to your outburst.
“No, no, I-” You glance between them, scrunching your face. “I remembered something. My sister. I have a sister.”
Brenner seems to be personally interested this time, not a usual trait he displayed. He shifts to sit a little straighter, attempting to fashion it out by placing down his clipboard and nodding.
“What about her do you remember? Anything important?”
“I…” And your voice trails away with the image of a young girl, disappearing. Your next words came out a little defeated, shoulders slumping. “I don’t know.”
“Hm.” Brenner leans back, crossing his legs. “Let’s continue, then.”
You practically deflate back into the chair, staring down at the ground with an unwavering sense of helplessness.
“No.”
Both of your heads whip to where Owens was placing the needle back on the table and shaking his head.
“She’s not ready. We’ll do it tomorrow, let her prepare herself.” He aims his declaration to the man sat in front of you, eyes holding more warning than you had expected.
“But it’s just a blood test.” You say, leaning forward. Neither of them reply. “Right?”
“Perhaps Dr Owens is right.” Brenner eventually says, standing from his chair and peeling his eyes from his colleague. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a familiar phial, the rattling noise echoing in the uncomfortable silence. “We’ll continue this later. Just take your medication for now. Dr Owens and I will confer on what’s next.”
You realise your voice wasn’t to be heard here and allow him to shake out two pills, clutching them in your hand. You held them tightly even as you left the room, weaving back through the hallways to the comforting hue of a furnished room.
Your feet took you to the water bottle on the desk by the door, instinctively raising the pills to your mouth, just like you did after every session. But this time, something makes you pause.
My sister.
You try to focus on the image of your sister, almost forcing yourself to place her features piece by piece. She was the same age Sara would have been. Oh god… Sara. How could you have let yourself forget about her? How did you let yourself forget about anything?
Hopper will be so disappointed when you find him. He taught you better. Whatever caused this amnesia was probably the result of your own stupidity. If he was in your position, he would have left this place already, regardless of memory or not. You knew he would.
So why were you still here?
Maybe you were just afraid there was no one waiting for you on the surface, dead or alive.
The little white pills were long forgotten, discarded on the desk as you trudge your way over to the couch, sinking into it like your forlorn attitude. Your eyes close with the last slip of a tear. Of all the things to forget, why couldn’t it be how awful you felt?
You didn’t realise you had drifted to sleep until the sound of the door shutting echoed through the room. You turn your head to find Owens is stood there, running a hand down his face and clutching a notebook.
“Hello?” You prompt, sitting up.
He turns to you in surprise, your unexpected presence sending a mix of emotions onto his face.
“My apologies.” He says, walking back over to the door. “I didn’t realise you were sleeping.”
“No, it’s okay.” You say, smiling. “I’m not meant to be sleeping in here anyway.”
Rather than respond, he stands awkwardly in front of the door, eyes shifting between his notebook and feet as he decides between staying and leaving. Even though you didn’t know this man, you could tell something was weighing on him, as it was you also.
“Can I ask you a question?”
His eyes dart up in surprise but he nods, clearing his throat “Of course.”
“Why are you here?”
The question lingers, his hardened expression softening into contemplation. It was almost as if he wasn’t certain of his presence here either.
“May I sit?” He asks after a little while and you smile timidly, shuffling further down the couch to make room. When he finally sinks into the cushions, he adapts a more comfortable posture, tilting his head in your direction. “I’m here because Dr Brenner asked me to be.”
“I assume you’re friends?” You ask, fiddling with the sleeves of your hoodie. A nervous habit.
“We’ve known eachother a long time.” He responds, eyes never fully meeting yours. It seemed he was dodging the truthful answer, whatever that may be. “We worked in a lab together a while ago, trying to make a difference. But before we could really do anything, I… I left.”
“Why?”
“My wife.” Owens smiles this time, a fond memory playfully tugging at his lips. He twists the silver ring on his left hand, “She was the most supportive person I knew. She was the reason I really started all of this. High school sweethearts, if you can believe it. We were going to change the world. But she got sick. Cancer. She fought for such a long time… after that, I didn’t have the energy to continue my work.”
“I get it.” You say after some contemplation. He frowns, eyeing you with curiosity. “My sister…”
His eyebrows raise, a stillness to his exterior. You pretended not to notice, pulling back at the sleeves of your hoodie.
“Grief is a very powerful thing.” He says, sighing. “Especially when you believe you have the power to save them. I just… I never had the resources.”
You nod along to his words, an unexpected similarity between you and this man you’ve never met. Just remembering Sara’s face was all your heart needed to start aching. No one really understood that before. Other than Hopper. You never gave him a chance to connect with you over her death. You suppose he didn’t, either.
After a moment, a groan leaves Owens’ mouth and he runs his hands down his face, looking up at the ceiling.
“I wanted to help people.” He admits quietly. “God, it was all I ever wanted. I was ready to find new ways to better the lives of everyone around us, to find cures, to- to discover endless possibilities of the human mind…”
“Did you?”
“In a way.” He sighs, looking at you. “Just not the way I wanted.”
You watch his smile fade into sadness, his eyes drifting to the ground.
“Are you okay?” You ask, shifting to face him on the couch.
“I am.” He states, closing his eyes. “But you aren’t.”
You frown, tilting your head. “What?”
“Brenner isn’t who you think he is.” Owens says solemnly, scared eyes burning fear into yours. “He isn’t trying to help you.”
“I- I don’t understand.”
“You didn’t take the pills, did you?” He glances over at the little white capsules collecting metaphorical dust on the desk. “And now you’re already starting to remember your life.”
Your eyes widen at his implication, turning your head in horror at the ‘medication’ meant to be fixing you.
“Antipsychotics.” Owens answers before you can even ask, tightening his lips. “They’re designed to lessen the effects of extreme psychosis but only in smaller doses. The pills Brenner has administered to you are… they are more than anyone should take, especially those with amnesia. They aren’t curing you, Y/n. They’re making your memory worse.”
“Why would he do that?” You shake your head, unsure who to trust. But this man in front of you had more emotions than Brenner has displayed to you in the past two weeks.
Trust no-one, your dad would say, only trust yourself.
But how could you do that when you quite literally couldn’t remember who you are?
Owens tries to answer when he suddenly looks up at the door, panicked.
“Hide.” He says, gently tugging your arm and ushering you off the sofa and towards the closet.
“Here?” You question, but you make no effort to stop him guiding you over to it.
“Behind here is a vent system. I cut out a panel of the closet so you should be able to access it. It’ll lead you to the other side of the lab- bunker. You need to get through it quickly and pretend like none of this happened. It’s not an escape, but it’ll make it look like you were never in this room, you hear me?”
“What? Why?” You stumble into the wooden structure, turning to catch his arm before he could close the door. There were so many questions you needed to ask, but there would never be enough time to have them answered. “What’s going to happen?”
“Look, kid.” He says almost sadly, a small smile on his lips. “He isn’t who you think he is. I need you to act like everything is okay. Don’t take the pills, radio your friends- I’ve heard them on one of the frequencies before. But, most importantly, don’t let him catch you.”
“Don’t let him catch me.” You repeat, but it wasn’t a question. Don’t let him catch me. “What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me. Protect yourself, protect your friends. You’ll need eachother if you ever want to stop it.”
“Stop what?”
A rushed echo of footsteps can be heard from the other side of the door, pulling away Owens’ attention. Your heart sank. It was too late.
“Room 237. He needs you.” He whispers, grabbing the closet door before you can object. “Now, go. Don’t look back.”
Owens carefully shuts it and plunges you into darkness, only a slither of light peeking between the cupboard doors. You turn around to see exactly what he had described, crouching to carefully remove the cover. It barely made a sound and you sigh in relief just as a louder noise filled the room.
Brenner swung the door open and closed in one swift motion, stepping onto the carpet where he found Owens sat at the couch, skimming through a notebook.
You place a hand inside the vent, testing its structure. Rock solid.
“Did you tell her?” Brenner questions and despite every instruction you were given, you paused.
“Tell her what?” Owens responds with a casual tone. But even you could hear the slight incline in his voice behind the wooden doors, a tell-tale sign he was hiding something.
“Where is she?”
“She hasn’t been here. I’ve been sat here for a while waiting.” He shrugs. “She’s probably wandering about again.”
“Hm.”
Silence. You wince. You couldn’t make an escape if you didn’t have the tone of their voices to distract it.
“I heard the transmissions.” Brenner states lowly. “I know what you’ve done, Sam.”
“I don’t know what you’re-”
“Don’t lie to me!” He suddenly roars, making you flinch. You haven’t ever seen him like this. You weren’t even aware he was capable of it.
“Fine!” Owens yells back, standing from the couch and throwing his notebook onto the cushions. “Fine. I sent out a call for help. She doesn’t deserve to be locked up in here, Martin. None of us do. You’re going too far.”
“Too far? This could be our only saviour.”
“No. It’ll be your saviour.” Owens raises his chin.“You’re the only one that needs this. Let the girl go. I won’t ever speak of this again. I’ll be out of your hair.”
Brenner sighs. He stares at his friend for a moment, something dark lurking behind his eyes.
“You’ve been a good friend to me all these years.” He smiles. It was unsettling this time. Almost like it didn’t belong to him. “I do hope you understand.”
Owens frowns, lips parting to inquire his cryptic words. The question never hit the air.
Brenner pulls out a gun from behind his back and shoots Owens directly in the chest.
Your hands fly to your mouth in a quick motion, suppressing an urge to scream out. You watch Brenner through that tiny little gap, tears pooling in your eyes as the man looks down at his former friend with nothing but disgust.
“We could have changed the world, Sam.” He says as his final farewell.
A twitch of Owens’ hand on the carpet catches your attention. You can just hear the choked gasp of breath leave his mouth in response.
It doesn’t return.
Brenner swiftly pockets his gun again and fishes out a key in his shirt. Without a second glance, he leaves the room, the click of a lock echoing back through.
All you could hear was your thundering heart beat against your eardrums, arms tight around your legs. Brenner just killed him. He killed him. And if he knew what you had just witnessed, he would surely kill you too.
You take another look at Owens’ body, shuddering at the thought of dying the same fate. You shouldn’t leave him like that. What if he was still alive?
Don’t look back, he had said with the last remaining urgency in his soul. He told you to leave. So that’s what you had to do, even if every cell in your body was screeching for you to sit here in a puddle of your tears and wait until someone came to save you. You knew even if you gave in to your fear, no one would come.
So, instead, plant your shaking hands on the cool metal of the vent and climb your way through, choking back the sobs scratching at your throat.
Chapter Twenty-Two: coming soon...
taglist:
@sheisjoeschateau . @kthomps914 . @curled-hair-red-lips . @nix-rose .
@palmtreesx3 . @kryztalglear . @sattlersquarry . @hey-barnes-stole-a-jeep . @sadslasher13 .
@iliveonteaandbooks . @innercreationflower . @newyorkangelbaby . @totally-bogus-timelady . @pansexualhoor .
@kitdjarin1 . @chiliwhore . @carolineesnell .
#stranger things x reader#stranger things#fanfic#steve harrington#steve harrington x reader#stranger things reader insert#stranger things fanfiction#gates of hell#apocalypse au#steve x reader#steve harrington fic
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kimi being hurt in a mission and immediately calling nico! while is ringing he starts doubting himself and thinks about hanging up, he thinks nico is too busy with the pups and its hard to see himself as a priority in another persons life! but nico of course is so worried and not even 10 minures later he and toto are in the hospital looking francticky for kimi and nico is crying? kimi feels so touched that hes so important to them!
obviously kimi stays with them and nico plays nurse a little bit with the kiddies help! maxy making biscuits carefully on kimi while watching tv, and mousy cuddling him everytime and seb is like im gonna be the best little helper there IS! kimi is so touched but also a little bit overwhelmed.
nico sense that and makes the kids leave him alone for a bit. at night, nico sleeps with kimi in the nest he had made for him, knowing his friend needs some support! some nights toto joins them and one night the whole family is packed in the nest! kimi feels so taken care of and is a little sad when it comes to an end :(
Oh pls! Kimi being unsure about telling Nico at first but he doesn't know who else to call and he isnt well enough to be alone, he knows thst. He still feels a little guilty calling Nico because maybr Nico is busy eith the pups or Toto, but when Nico hears Kimi is hurt, Kimi can hear him instsntly grab his coat and shoes lol. In record time, a very frantic Nico arrives in the hospital with Toto in tow herding the little pups. Nico being so worried and fussing over Kimi and curling up with him a bit just purring away trying to get him comfy bur really it's more self soothing cos the thought of Kimi being hurt worse? Horrible. Maybe Kimi got shot or stabbed I the leg but he is okaycish besides that, just can't really move around much.
Nico insists Kimi comes back with then so he isnt alone and Kimi is a little embarassed sitting in the wheel chair and being pushed by Toto, but Maxy is on his lap snuggled against his chest cos he loves extra papa!
Kimi getting the spare room and most of the time he isnt there alone ofcourse, he has one of the pups keeping him company or Nico, and sometimes even Toto and Kimi is still a little surprised he considers Toto a close friend now too.
Nico noticing Kimi is a little overwhelmed so he distracts the pups a little and maybr asks Toto to cuddle then all to sleep (it's hid super power) while Nico will curl up with Kimi.
Some nights from then on, 1 or more pups crawl in with Kimi too and on occassion, Toto as well and Kimi is a litlt surprised to see Toto also seems to care a lot about his well being. He never expected that from anyone! He loves the nights when they are all cuddled together and he feels like he has an actual pack! He is sad when it's over, but then he realises that nico and Toto now call the spare room kimi's room? And Kimi can stay over whenever he wants ofc!
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Annabeth really lived the first 13 years of her life not being important enough to anyone, only to become so important to one person that even the vaguest memory of her general existence is enough to sustain them.
#annabeth chase#percabeth#pjo#percy jackson#percy jackon and the olympians#percy x annabeth#im not saying she wasnt important to anyone#but never important enough to be a priority#never important enough to give her what she needed
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Absolutely love your art. I want to nom it.
Also, Hollow Heads Siblings my beloveds,,,
Theyre the doomed siblings ever its not even funny
#Oouugh i have thoughts abt the hollowhead siblings. How theyre so intricately tied to eachother since their birth but they'd be#Eachother'd downfall. Esp when it's Dark and his relationship with the others#Dark would never understand what chosen went through. Mainly bc i think chosen is used to fighting his internal battles on his own#While he was in captive as an ad blocker. He loves Dark. He's grateful for Dark bc without him he wouldn't be free#But Dark isnt exactly someone reliable enough for Chosen to get the necessary healing he wants and needs#But that won't stop Dark from trying to fix him. Creates the virus for revenge. As chosen watches his brother spiral and spiral#As he watches him drift further away. Unable to get him back without a shouting match. As he watches with his heart heavy and cracked at-#Their stiffed interactions and strained relationship. He can't remember a time where they shared geniune laughs.#Then tsc coming came and changed everything.#Because this is someone who went through Chosen's pain albeit a lil differently. Someone who knows. Someone who /understands/. And this-#Someone is so much more younger than them and had to go through that pain in such a short amount of time since their birth#He sees himself in them. And he's rather walk up to alan demanding to get his hands cuffed than let tsc fester in that pain.#So tsc became chosen's priority. Healed eachother in many ways than one and are at echother's beck and call if need be.#As for Dark. I think he'd manipulate tsc into using him for his revenge. After stalking out his code and finding out about his potential#And TSC cant help but fall for his manipulations. Since this person is very very important to Chosen and they want so badly to impress-#Them both. They agreed and overtime grew to love eachother. And overtime Dark shifted his goals just a tad bit. Getting TSC more and more-#Involved. Since hey if Chosen doesn't like touching alan with a 10 ft pole why not let this kid do. And TCS agrees to this thinking that-#This is it. This is can finally heal them completely. Finally out of sight and out of mind. Finally can't live without the pain lingering#And chosen watches them with a sense of deja vu. At loss at what to do and so so afraid to lose two of his lil siblings#Then shit hits the brick UBSJDBSJSN#They make me so ill im not even kidding when i said theyre so so very very doomed!!!!!!!!!#This is abt the au btw BAHHAHAHABHA
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🕷️☕️
#im broken#im someone who is meant to be alone and be unliked and unlovable and unwanted#thats my place in the world. im foolish for hoping for more#it just hurts sm that it feels like everyone else has or have had someone#i've never had someone who has chosen me over everyone else#im surrounded by ppl who have been chosen above everyone else#and like i read a romance book abt two ppl in their late 30s who are virgins and meet eo#but both of them have kissed & made out w ppl before.... i havent even done that#like am i gonna be 30 and have my 1st kiss???? be fr who would wanna have sex w someone in their 30s who has no experience#they'd have to teach me and like ppl in their 30s are getting ready to settle down#i cant imagine anyone wanting to kiss me just bc im me either like everyone gets tired of me after a while......#i cant imagine anyone not tiring of me and choosing to be w me#when there'll always be someone else. someone better. hotter. sexier. funnier. smarter#im like actually fkn dumb for thinking that someone could want to be w ME above everyone else#spend their time with me when there are 1m things better than me#there will always be someone else everyone would choose above me#also im broken bc my heart is stupidly loyal. im like a penguin... but normal ppl dont work that way#i cant imagine anyone thinking im special enough to love and want me the way i feel love#so i've always known im meant to be alone#but its so hard watching everyone around me have a partner while i have to be lonely and ache to be that important and loved#im always gonna exist as a lonely island never being 1st priority or the favorite or more special than everyone else#and its making my heart so sad. why am i not worthy of dating or loving or choosing or bein no 1??#and being so unwanted and never chosen or special is making me so dejected and lifeless#friendships arent as big to me anymore bc sure i'll hang out or talk to my friends#but then they go home to their partner. the person that are no 1 in their lives#i can have friends but it only makes me sadder bc it reminds me that theyve all been chosen and i have not#i have cry myself to sleep everyday while they have the joy of bring chosen and important and held#i just dont care anymore... i'll only ever exist as a tiny side roll in ppl's lives#i'll never be a main part or the biggest part to anyone....#i'll always have to be completely alone in everything and watch while ppl around me get to have the comfort of partnership
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Tag drop: Seele (Honkai: Star Rail). Listen, I used to write her and I miss her a bit, and also: there's Belobog people around. And also, well, she's much more interesting than people give her credit for. Also, prepare for some 'rewriting', because Belobog's pacing in specific ways kind of blew a little bit much.
#seele. [ we tell them “things will be better tomorrow.” everyone knows it's a lie; but it gets them to sleep with some hope. ]#seele: ic. [ he always says “humanity's endless conflicts”; but you don't get peace by offering everything up on a silver platter. ]#seele: inquiries. [ that's not the only thing you won't have heard of down here; princess. ]#seele: countenance. [ to all those thugs and gangsters in the underworld; i'm like a spectre always haunting them. ]#seele: introspection. [ the chief's right. sometimes a sharp blade is the only way to get people to come to their senses. ]#seele: meta. [ she got used to people losing their homes. and she got used to people losing their lives. but crying alone was useless. ]#seele: little notes. [ they only eat half their meal; throw the rest away. do they know people below haven't got enough food to eat? ]#seele: wishes. [ where there's hope: there's the will to fight. ]#seele: etc. [ a young girl smiles subtly. “how? right here; right now; i am alone… but it feels... very lively.” ]#seele: underworld. [ what's more important than miracles; seele. is to protect people's hopes for miracles. ]#seele: overworld. [ oleg saw how a look of gloom passed over her tender face. “let's go back. i don't want to come back here again.” ]#seele: sampo. [ wildfire has countless issues on its place right now. we don't need a side order of koski. ]#seele: sampo. [ so we're there; now it's real. now that you have me; do you want me still? ] inominati.#seele: bronya. [ they go their separate ways: one stepping into the light; and the other into the shadows. until one day; they meet again.#seele: natasha. [ i learned quickly that tantrums won't get you anywhere. she knows how to give you a taste of your own medicine. ]#seele: oleg. [ i probably owe my life to the chief. ]#seele: hook. [ don't let her appetite for chaos fool you; i think that kid's going places. ]#seele: v. youth. [ everyone in the dark side of town knew that fearless homeless girl. everyone wanted to avoid that wild; stubborn rascal.#seele: v. underworld. [ just what we all need: more lies about a world that never was and never will be. ]#seele: v. present. [ can you imagine the consequences if we told the people what happened here? they'd be devastated. ]#seele: v. future. [ ... priorities? what do you mean? are you saying rebuilding the underworld isn't one of your “priorities”? ]
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am i really about to start plotting out a script for a video essay talking about labyrinth and its themes of overcoming childish selfishness and growing into a compassionate and responsible adult?
#it's 1am and I work tomorrow#I have never made a video essay#Labyrinth is Not That Deep I mean the script ain't super complex#but I keep thinking of how all of these characters Sarah meets are representative of different parts of herself#even the Fireys who literally lose their heads from only wanting to chill out and have a good time#I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS and I want to yell at people that Jareth is more than David Bowie looking pouty and having a big bulge#he's a perfect reflection of Sarah herself and what information we get of her at the start of the film#he's not random magical sexy man he is Sarah's own sense of selfishness and the appeal of staying attached to childish whimsy#(who also plays with his balls)#(he can be both I guess)#but also it's more than the rejection of fantasy and growing up#it is growing up enough to UNDERSTAND THE MEANING of fantasy and to give it a place in your life when you need it#but not allowing it to consume you and take priority over your life and responsibilities#Sarah recites the important lines at the start of the film but she doesn't truly internalize them until the end
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out of the shower , feeling slightly less shit about myself (and way less like saying uncalled for immature mean things) however still dealing with the realization that I am possibly the most replaceable person in the world
#➳ valentin vents#oh hey and look I'm gonna give some examples that aren't people who can actually read this . nice#but anyways ! nobody i have ever left has given a shit about when i did#to both of my only ever romantic partners i was never important enough to treat well . yippee ! (okay maybe some saying mean things but#neither of them should see this if the universe doesn't hate my ass with a passion ok)#and in all my friendships if i was replaced with any other generic person with social anxiety it'd be like nothing fucking changed !#in short i am incredibly replaceable and uu should maybe all consider replacing me asap because I'm p sure it'd be very easy to find somebun#with all my positives/neutrals and wayyy less of my negatives . idk . just a suggestion .#can uu tell i hate myself very very much even though i desperately try to hide it ! all my confidence no matter how much it's gen in the#moment is still soaked in my self loathing from years of being depressed replaceable always 2nd priority (or less) to those around me etc#but hey it's fine I am sure that tomorrow I'll think I'm the hottest person alive just as I did a few hours ago and life will be okay . haha
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my mom isn’t letting my dad go back to his office bc him being out of the house stresses her out and makes her have a flare up and it’s like kind of insane. like i understand why the idea of him doing that would make her panicky and angry as someone who also struggles w separation anxiety and abandonment shit / has physical symptoms from that kind of stress (though not to the same degree ofc) but also he is a grown man. he should be allowed to go to his office and not have to shape his entire life around her needs. and she keeps guilt tripping him out of it and it’s impacting his quality of life a lot and the whole thing is kind of… hm
#purrs#delete later#also she’s guilt tripping me into coming to the stupid fucking potluck on sunday bc she needs the extra help and it’s like… what are you#gonna do when i move out. like i am a grown woman and i should be able to choose how i spend my two precious weekend days. and my dad is a#grown man and he should be able to choose where he works. like is that not a little bit insane. i get it but also….. i do think it s kind of#fucked ip that it’s her way or the highway and her needs take priority over all of ours and she’s asking us to bend to what she wants when#she wants it. like i get it bc she’s sick but it’s not fair for her to expect that from my dad especially. particularly when me and my#brother are back at work / school in more high risk environments than my dad who would be in a private office alll day. and the thing is no#one is brave enough to all her on it bc if we did it would be the END of the world. she even threw a fit on my dads bday and complained bc#the things he wanted to do were things she didn’t want to do like all the man wanted to do was go mini golfing and when that wasn’t good#enough he just wanted to go on a walk and my mom complained the whole time and also scoffed the movie he wanted to watch and said it was#boring and it’s like… wtf it’s HIS birthday??? but what do you expect from the woman who (and in fairness her friends got her these as gifts#but still) has TWO kitchen items that say some variation of ‘a marriage is when one is always right and the other is always the husband’ 💀#i look at that little plaque every night bc it’s in front of the sink when im doing dishes and it makes me so fucking angry. like my dad is#a whole fucking person and he can be right too and he deserves to make choices and be happy and not have his wife put him down all the time.#idk. and she puts down his family all the time too and complains when he wants to do the most reasonable things for his own enjoyment that#don’t align with hers and criticizes his interests all the time and it just sucks to see. he never shows hurt or anything so idk how he#feels about it but it makes me so angry and sad and when i tell her to stop she just lashes out at me so. 🤪. like how do we get her to stop#making her needs more important than everyone else’s bc… she may be our mom / his wife / whateger but that doesn’t make her queen. no one is#(andalso this has only gotten worse bc of covid / her being sick. like this has been a lifelong thing it’s just it’s a lot worse now bc the#circumstances gave her room / forced her to have to take up more space. and it’s just so frustrating. i get it. but none of us are pawns or#dolls or subordinates or anything. there’s 5 adults here and we should all be able to make choices and not be guilt tripped by her. lol#)
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Shang,my Man has his priorities right?
😑🙄🤣
Shang is a god of time and space now and has no use for the crown. But lose his dragon bong,all of a sudden it's the end of times.
"You fucking lost the weed honey?!" "How else am i gonna cope with American gaming corporate now?"
(Used a base)
#mortal kombat#shang tsung#💚heart and soul🐍#my art#look i hc shang is a stoner to cope with the fact he will never know a peaceful afterlife because he can't die and is doomed for eternity#even as a God of time he struggles ok?#tho its not as bad#man has priorities#guess who played aftermath again?#and ya damn right i picked shang again!#also i hc the crown really wasn't super important nor was the hourglass after a certain point because once a god you can rewrite things#like shang has admin privileges now and can reset things all nice n neat after he sucks enough souls that he wants#basically play godly bloodsport and then clean up the mess like it never happened for all eternity#all of the characters are his playthings#and honestly#he deserves it#fuck liu kangs ending i want this ending fr#course i have his darling wife lady tsung aka me at his side#of course i cause shenanigans on purpose but i always have so its ok he's not too broken up
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Trying to build muscle is so frustrating bc it's hard enough to motivate myself to eat as it is but now I have to eat more protein and my stomach is too liddol for the amount of food I need in a day
Can I get an f in the chat?
#tw food#tw eating#i like. forget to eat#and it's low priority for me bc i dont like cooking#bc it can make me start to think abt calories and micro/macro nutrients and i used to have disordered eating#so thinking abt that stuff is triggering to me#but now that im trying to build muscle i have to super pay attention to protein and shit and it's HARD#im trying to like HOPEFULLY convert 3-4 lbs of fat to muscle#just feel dysphoric abt my hips and since you cant target fat deposits ill probably have to lose like 3 lbs of fat instead#of the 1 that i think will help with that a bit#ive been working out a lot and have definitely seen results but i do not eat enough as it is to see the muscle growth in my back shoulders#and arms that i want to see. so now i have to eat more and it's hard bc i get so tireddddddddd and boreddddd and also the cooking thing#and PLEASE no dms worrying abt my eating habits ive improved so much and I'm doing well!!! I'm eating MORE even!!#it's just hard bc it feels like a chore to me#which is part of why i had disordered eating in the first place. well that and dysphoria#I'm legitimately healthy and eat well for the most part. it's just such a hassle to consciously try to build muscle yk? im eating i swear#i love food ask anyone#actually dont bc for whatever reason everyone around me thinks i dont eat bc they never /see/ me snack#i just keep my snacks in my room bc that's where my workstation is rather than snacking in the kitchen bc i dont like to waste time#that's my hangup tbh. i always feel like im wasting time even though it's hella important to cook yourself good meals#it's probably bc i go on a lot of walks so that eats into the time that i WOULD spend cooking#but yeah like i pound back food at restaurants so ppl also say it as a joke bc of how quickly i eat when im not distracted#i could eat more veggies though tbh. i just dont like many of them outside of complicated dishes and like i said i dont like to cook#and theyre so low calorie it takes FOREVER to eat enough to be filling#love protein though#it's quick and tasty ;3#also this is coming from someone who eats baby carrots like they're jelly beans lmao#they're a treat to me bc it takes so long to eat a serving of them#and they're sweet#so to be clear i DO like veggies they just take a while to finish
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God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!
#haeroniel talks#forget the tag oh well#but for real. had 4 days off work and a ton of real life stuff i both have to get done and have been meaning to get done for a long time#ive pretty much only played video games and called my friends. genuinely not time wasted and i love when i get to do that#and like rn i would love to play more games and spend time with my friends like if one offers you know i never say no#but its also already getting dark and i have to go back to work tomorrow and ive not done everything i promised to have done yknow?#time doesnt feel real and i dont wanna get up even if the anxiety slowly builds to hopefully productive panic#but in the mean time im like ugghh i wanna stop laying around just playing sudoku and watching lame youtube. i wanna play something#(unclear what it is i actually wanna play too many options i kinda wanna play all of them and none huehheh)#im also very sad i havent drawn in ages and any attempt just feels shit. like maybe if i read enough fanfic thatll respark the love.#id love to post something before christmas to get me excited to draw again over the break but who the hell knows if i'll manage#and yeah still have the annoying job related/driving school related/therapy applying/other life admin that really really should be done#im just being grouchy and stuck and need to vent hi tumblr love you all kiss kiss i wish i could function better#i think maybe perhaps. ill concede that driving school and therapy arent priority (important but ive wasted ages on them already)#i think i can do work related things bc theyre sort of fun. i can use my parents help to whack through the life admin and then#maybe i can let myself spend the rest of the evening guilt free either calling my friends and/or playing or if im going totally w drawin
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how bitchy would it be to tag everyone who i think hates me in this post?
#kairying in here#it's like 3 people#2 of which i used to consider my friends#and now don't know bcs they refuse to talk to me it feels#or they're busy#probably busy#but not busy enough not to talk to each other#im never a priority#there's always something or someone more important#when do i get to be the one people set their life down for and become incredibly attached to me?#when do i get to be someones horror story of growing too attached?#when do i get to be loved by someone who never lets me go and holds me so tight i suffocate?#would that make me happy?#what the hell even is happiness?
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