#which is part of why i had disordered eating in the first place. well that and dysphoria

[artisanalpeanutbutter]

Trying to build muscle is so frustrating bc it's hard enough to motivate myself to eat as it is but now I have to eat more protein and my stomach is too liddol for the amount of food I need in a day

Can I get an f in the chat?

[wearysparrows]

(Never) Let Go of Me

ao3/masterlist

Part 1 / Part 2 (here)

Summary: Memories of that summer when you silently asked Sylus to take your life.

CW: no use of 'Y/N', AFAB reader implied but no pronouns are used, reader is MC, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders mentioned, minor hallucinations, mentions of self harm, references to depression, guns, Hurt/Comfort, hurt no comfort, angst, not beta read 5.4k

A/N: Please read the tags, as this work contains content that may be distressing or triggering to some readers.

Could you miss something that you’d never had? Sylus was never yours in the first place. His body, lying still in its expanse beside you. But you missed him. It was your shame to harbor these tender feelings. You watched the sleeping flutter of his eyelids. How rare was it to see him sleep?

No, I don’t want to embarrass you with the thought of myself.

  Neither of you had ever left. Above all, there was nothing. From each of you. How you had grown to love the space where there was nothing at all! Even in your dreams, he walked hand in hand with someone else who was not you, and he was happy. You reached out to touch him as he slept. The open junction of his fore and upper arm, the place for insertion of a needle. You put a single finger there, on the soft skin. You weren’t sure if the pulse you felt was yours or his. You couldn’t draw anything from him, nor take away. And so nothing in you had anywhere to go. There was the earliest sound of a bird outside. Too early, just before the heralding of the sunrise. He looked at you now, eyes opening like fresh wounds.

“Listening to the birdsong?”

A voice, warm and roughed with his sleep.

“Yeah.”

The two of you walked in that wheatfield. Above you, the horrible emptiness of an expansive blue sky. The sun beat down on the back of your neck, and you felt it pulse with the heat. His hand wasn’t in yours, but it was around your waist, which was close enough. You were sweating underneath your clothes where he touched you, and you hoped he couldn’t feel it. He was white against the stalks, and they seemed to reach for him in the wind. He was looking down at you, stopping in his movements.

“You’re burning me with your eyes.”

Teasing you. He was smiling.

“Me, and not the sun?”

You didn’t know why he insisted on coming with you in the daytime, even when the sun hurt his eyes so. Nevermind that he forwent the time he had to sleep entirely to be here. The summer wind tousled the sterling of his hair. He pushed it back into place.

“Mm. What’s the difference?”

This plot of land belonged to Sylus. It was somewhere on the outskirts of Linkon city – you never could quite get a handle on the location, because the roll of the drive always put you almost to sleep. If you stepped through the swathe of trees, still bitten with the fresh green of summer, you’d reach a large lake. Sylus came here to fish sometimes, but he hadn’t brought the pole on this occasion. You had mentioned wanting to get away from the city – both Linkon and the N109 – and he had offered this solution. Sylus always had a solution.

The lake opened a great blue maw of lapis before you, and the highness of the midday sun cascaded shining reflections of its light off of the surface. It was virtually untouched by man – well, all save for Sylus. But you could hardly lump him in with other men. He stood silently next to you, looking out over the water with his hands free by his sides. Coming here allowed you to see another side to Sylus that you were certain had only been revealed to your eyes. Or at least, you hoped. He had on a white button up, the first few buttons of which were undone, revealing the kiss the sun had given him that summer. He had a silver chain around his neck – a humble gift from you, courtesy of your Hunter’s salary. It wasn’t anything expensive, and it certainly paled in comparison to the other things he owned. Still, he wore it so frequently that he had worn out the clasp and had to replace it with a sturdier one. He wore a pair of blue jeans, which hugged him in all the right places, and a pair of tailored leather boots. He almost could have passed for a cowboy, if cowboys came from other worlds. 

There was sweat gathering underneath your breast, running down your ribcage, soaking your clothes. This summer had been unreasonably hot, the sun punishing with its heat. The calmness of the water was calling to you. Your clothes stuck to you, feeling like they were trying to become one with your skin. Not wanting to merge with them, you began to peel off your shirt and shorts. While you had the former over your head, covering your eyes, Sylus spoke.

“What are you up to?”

He sounded pleased. Soft, like the wind could carry away his voice if it had chosen to. Sylus had seen you like this many times before. Though you harbored a sense of embarrassment in your nakedness around him still, you knew it didn’t matter to him.

“Getting in the water. It’s hot.”

You waded in, taking in the sight before you. The sun drove its horses over the open span of the prairie, casting it in a bright golden haze. You were up to your ankles in the cool water, the pebbles underneath pressing against the soles of your feet. They were smooth and round, not painful to the touch. You turned at the sound of a shuffling of fabrics. Sylus was unbuttoning his shirt with practiced ease. He tossed it aside carelessly on the bank. His pants and shoes came similarly. The sound of the zipper seemed strangely loud, out here in the wilderness. He was left only in his boxers. You had seen him this naked before – but it was never something that you quite got used to. You knew that he must have felt your eyes on him, but he never showed any signs of being bothered, nor did he mention it. The powerful animal of his body rippled towards you with singular purpose. Just underneath the lowered waistband of his boxers, you could see his tanline. The skin underneath was pale. As he walked towards you, you walked backwards into the water, silently beckoning him to follow. He obliged, his lips parting into a curious smile. You stopped when the chill of the water had reached your clavicle. Your heart fluttered with a soft quickness in the water.

The water parted for Sylus’s body as he approached you, sending ripples outward away from him. He came closer, closer, until you were nearly chest to chest. You desperately wanted to feel the contrast of the heat of his body under the water. He would have to reach for you first. The sun had turned his pupils into pinpoints in a crimson sea as he looked down at you. You pushed a gentle wave towards him with your palm.

“I thought you didn’t like the water.”

Sylus’s hand found your upper arm under the water in response, and traveled up until it was on your shoulder. The flat of his thumb stroked your collarbone. The wet traces it left felt cool against the open air.

“You’re in the water.”

His palm touched the side of your neck, fingers brushing your nape. The blunt of his nails scratched your scalp, there. You showed him your empty palms under the clear water.

“I don’t have a sword to offer you, or anything like that. I don’t have anything to give.”

Sylus laughed, a sound that was like the fire of light over the prairie. He closed the last distance between you, and his lips were suddenly speaking against the skin of your neck, his fingers maneuvering your head to the side to expose more of it to his mouth. It wasn’t a kiss at all – more like a touch, so chaste it burned. His other hand snaked around your waist, pressing your abdomen to his under the water. You could feel all of him against you. Somewhere in the distance, a whippoorwill called.

“Do you think I can only take? Haven’t I always given you everything you’ve wanted?”

A wry expression that he couldn’t see faced the sky on your face. The only thing you truly wanted was the one thing he couldn’t give. Everything else could have returned to ash, could he have given it. You had begun to understand that shame and passion were the same creature wearing different faces. To love was to be humiliated. To roll over and show your soft belly. Everything else he consumed, and there was not the blue of the water nor that of the sky. There was only a red sea left behind.

Your feet ached underneath you, keeping you steady on the treadmill. They no longer pounded the machine as they once had – you had learned to make your steps light, your breathing quiet. Even after a day like today, which had required you to push your body to its utmost limit to dispose of wanderers, you did not forgo the gym. You could exert control in this way. When nothing else could be tightly in your grip, your body could be controlled. Movements that punished kept your mind at bay. Without the pain, without the control, the thoughts would return. You had developed minute control over each muscle – knew how to isolate it, how to activate it independently over the others. You knew each connection point, each tendon. Your body was the most familiar stranger to you, collared with a choke chain. 

Sylus had recommended this gym to you. It was always strangely empty, which suited you just fine. The gym itself was of an unusual sort – it looked to you more like something that should have existed in the N109 zone than Linkon City. Its internals were all deep shades of blacks, the space wide and dark. You never wanted for amenities. Some of the machinery you lacked names for – and you avoided using them. They appeared just a touch too close to torture tools for your liking. The woman at the front desk, a svelte, mink like creature with a pointed face, had developed a silent camaraderie with you. She greeted you by name when you came, and offered you the occasional compliment on your physique. You had forgotten to get her name – and it was long past too late to ask, now. 

In your periphery, you saw your phone’s screen light up in your hand, and slowed your pace to a walk on the treadmill to check it. Even after all this time, seeing his name still gave you the same fluttering of wings in your stomach. The numbers on the treadmill let you know that you had been running on and off for around two hours. They blurred in your vision, and you stopped trying to focus on them.

Sy:

Your heart rate has been fast for a while now. Still working out?

7:27 PM

A text that from anyone else would have been disturbing in its implications – but from Sylus, it merely made your insides twist with delight. He was checking in on your wellbeing. You had long known he had kept tabs on your vitals, likely through your hunter’s watch, which hardly ever left your wrist. Of course, you had similar tabs on him. Sylus had purposefully chained himself to you with that necklace he wore – it had a GPS tag in it. You never doubted where he was – though you tried not to check too often. You frequently failed in that regard, though. You walked on as you typed out your reply. 

Me:

Yeah. I’m almost done tho. What’s up?

7:28 PM

Sy:

Im coming to pick you up. Don’t argue

7:28 PM

The prospect of seeing him made your heart rate speed up all over again. It quickened even more when you remembered he could see its pace.

Me:

I’m drenched and smell bad. You don’t want to see me lol I’ll get your car dirty

7:29 PM

Sy:

You’re arguing. Im on my way

7:29 PM

This threw a wrench in your plans. A beautiful, towering wrench of a man. You wanted to scowl at your phone, to be annoyed with his persistence – but your chest glowed with warmth at his insistence, instead. Although Sylus maintained a severe boundary of friendship with you, you knew you must have monopolized most (if not all) of his free time. Your heart, ever possessive, purred with pleasure. You quelled the feeling to focus on the task at hand. Sylus had seen you sweaty before – covered in dirt, blood, all manner of other horrible things. He had held your hair for you while you had emptied your guts onto bloodied grounds, dry heaving until nothing but stomach acid remained. Still, you wanted to avoid it if it was possible. You were usually adverse to using public facilities to shower after working out, but it would have to do just this once. You pulled the clutch of the treadmill, killing its internal workings, and gathered your belongings, making your way to the showers. 

Fortunately for you, this gym boasted high quality amenities. Clean towels, a working hair dryer – even the shampoo and conditioner seemed of higher quality than what you kept at home. You squinted at the labeless bottles, examining them. You didn’t know much about this place, other than that Sylus had adamantly insisted on paying for your membership, despite your protests. Another recurring payment of yours that was on his card. It had very nearly caused an argument between the two of you. He had insisted that if you were going to punish yourself in the gym, you should at least use his gym. This had disarmed you, for it felt like he was exerting some sort of claim on you, in his own roundabout way. He frequented the gym with you, when he had the time. Getting to watch him lift weights was its own kind of pleasure. Sparring with him was a ritual that allowed you to touch him in a way you couldn’t allow yourself otherwise.

Even the showers here were black, wide, ominous and empty. They were tiled from floor to ceiling with sleek obsidian, and the showerheads were of the waterfall type. You scrubbed yourself furiously in the heat of the water, trying to speed the process along as quickly as possible. You hadn’t the foggiest as to where exactly Sylus was coming from, but you didn’t want to keep him waiting. 

You inspected your face in the mirror, flushed from the heat of your shower. A face looked back at you with a crease in its brow. You picked up the blow dryer, clicking it on. It pushed hot air through your hair, and threatened to make you sweat all over again. You raked your fingers through it, a makeshift brush. Thankfully, you had brought a clean pair of street clothes along with you. Your years as a hunter had drilled a sense of preparedness in you, even when completing the most mundane of tasks. You changed swiftly in the locker room, with only the sound of the overheads to keep you company. Yours was the only combination lock that had a permanent place here, hanging there by its lonesome. You no longer bothered to bring it home with you – no one had ever tampered with it. You took one last glance at yourself in the full body mirror of the locker room, adjusting your clothes. It didn’t matter, you knew. Sylus didn’t care what you looked like, for better or worse. You cast your eyes from the image, and made your way from the gym. The woman at the front desk gave you a friendly wave on your way out, which you returned.

Outside, you stood under the eaves, waiting for the appearance of Sylus’s vehicle. The last vestiges of the sun were disappearing behind the towering buildings of Linkon City. You weren’t waiting for long, however, as Sylus pulled up nearly as soon as you stepped outside. Whether it was fortuitous or a plan on his part, you could never be quite sure. He was always punctual with you. Endlessly reliable. He honked the horn, as if you wouldn’t recognize the body of his black sports car from miles away. You jogged towards him, unable to stop the laugh that forced its way out of your chest. For someone who lived so deeply in the shadows, he loved to make his presence known to you.

You slipped wordlessly into the familiar passenger seat, and were met with Sylus’s raise of an eyebrow. He had a habit of always raising his left one – the same side as his dominant hand. You weren’t sure he was even capable of raising the other side. You denied the compulsion to ask him to try.

“I seem to recall a promise that someone would get my car dirty. But you’re looking suspiciously clean.”

Sylus’s voice, no matter how familiar it became, was always like stepping into hot, dark waters. You nudged him with your elbow over the console. 

“You want me to dirty up your nice ass car?”

He grinned in response to your question, revealing to you the canines that you had imagined sinking into the flesh of your neck so many times. He nudged you back, elbowing you for room on the console.

“Sure, it might be fun.”

You prepared to ask him what exactly would be fun about getting his car dirty, but Sylus leaned in, reaching over you to buckle you in. His hands drifted over the belt as he pulled, just shy of touching your breast and stomach. As he lifted himself away, you pushed at his shoulder gently. 

“I’m not a kid, Sy. I can get my own seatbelt.”

“I know. But you’re still my…”

He trailed off, sitting back in the driver's seat. His left hand had a confident grip on the steering wheel, his right on the gear shift. He kicked the car into gear, and led it onto the road to your apartment. It was a short drive. 

“My responsibility.”

What you had done to earn the title of responsibility, you were unsure. It sounded uncomfortably close to burden. You felt yourself shrink into your seat. Your hands hung onto your knees, holding them together in front of you. There was something nauseating about the awareness of being a chosen burden. You had long since accepted the place Sylus had chosen in your life as your closest friend, but it was ever a struggle to accept the place he chose for you. He discarded anyone else who came even remotely close to earning a similar title without a second thought.

My responsibility.

“Do you think you owe me or something? Because–”

Sylus cut you off.

“No. I’m here right now of my own free will. Do you think I’d do anything I didn’t want to do? Surely you know my intentions by now.”

There was a sort of boyish impetuousness hidden just underneath his usual tone. Being a chosen burden was better than being one that was forced upon him. He needed something to care for, maybe. That something just so happened to be you. You were the wrong person for him, at the right time. Still, you clung to his choice, claws deep in his skin. Kitten, he had dubbed you. Something that purred in his presence, that swiped at him and drew his blood. You stole a glance at him. His hard lines and dark colors. You saw the way the last of the daylight made him squint his eyes as he looked out the windshield, the dark sweep of his eyelashes trying to keep the offending stabs of sun out. His eyes, devoid of melanin to protect him from the sun. His hair always shone a little whiter in its light. You wondered what sort of childhood must have formed the man sitting beside you. One full of suffering and strife –  of that much you were certain. An image of a young boy with pale hair, his right eye sliced open with a scalpel held by hands so much larger than his own appeared in your mind's eye. You heard the squelch of the implantation, saw the struggle of his too-thin body against metallic restraints. There was no anesthesia. Only pain.

 Sylus avoided the subject, often giving vague and cryptic answers when you had tried to pry in the past. You didn’t press him anymore. There were things you couldn’t tell him, either. How you wanted more from him. More than the chaste touch of a friend. You wanted the consumption of a lover, for him to take you in his mouth and sink his teeth in. To not let go. The only thing that bit you was guilt at your heels. Being slowly devoured alive was a small price to pay to keep him in your life. A selfish price.

Sylus stopped the car at a red light. He titled his head towards you, eyes sliding in your direction. His hand drifted to your knee, displacing your own from it, and gave it a playful squeeze. 

“What are you thinking about?”

His thumb idly stroked the bony junction just below your outer kneecap. Even in the summer heat, his skin still burned your own with its touch. Shameful heat boiled in your stomach. You brushed your index finger over the bony protrusion at the outside of his wrist, and watched as his arm raised gooseflesh in response to your touch. Sylus exhaled through his nose. You liked the sound of his breathing. It was somehow tinged with his voice – you could have recognized the sound of his breath anywhere. Occasionally, you considered telling him the whole truth of your musings on him, but the thought of Sylus’s disgust towards you stopped you. You felt your mouth fill with excess saliva. The desire to shower again came over you, as if he could sense how dirtied you were by your own thoughts of him. You told him half of the truth, instead.

“What you were like as a kid.”

Sylus was quiet for a time, driving the car onward through the green light. His hand didn’t leave its place – but the forward movement of the car made it drift down onto your thigh from your knee. Seemingly unbothered by its new position, he didn’t adjust his grip. His disregard for the implications of his touch were a continual reminder of his lack of romantic feelings for you. You stared at the place where he touched you, his large hand enveloping the taut flesh of your thigh. There wasn’t anyone else who touched you like this. Even by accident. And there probably never would be.

“If you’re thinking of feeling sorry for me – don’t. Everything that happened led me here. Exactly where I want to be.”

You didn’t bother to formulate a response, feeling the finality of his statement hang heavily in the air between you. The rest of the drive was comfortably silent, the only sound the soft classical music Sylus had playing from the radio. It rose and fell in stabs, sometimes sounding triumphant, at others despondent. He tapped his fingers on the wheel, keeping time.

Sylus pulled the car into its familiar spot at your apartment complex. It was here so often that this spot remained empty even when it was bereft of his bike or one of his many cars – like it was waiting to be filled with him. Once, Sylus had gone radio silent for a week. No texts, no calls. You found yourself sitting in the empty parking space. Strange looks from passers-by had rolled off of you, meaningless in his absence. Everything was. Sylus had found you there soon after, and crushed you up into his arms so hard you thought you might snap in half. You would have accepted it gladly. 

He exited the car, and came around to open the door for you on the passenger side. He never let you get out on your own, and today was no exception. When you stepped out, you were standing nearly flush with his broad chest. He ran a hand through your hair, still just slightly damp from your hurry to get clean before you saw him. You spoke to his chest rather than his face.

“Are you spending the night?”

You fiddled with two of his belt loops, hooking them in your index fingers,  tugging him towards you. Sylus took a little step, though he could hardly get any closer without pushing you up against the car. You leaned against the vehicle, and he leaned into you. 

“If you’ll have me, of course.”

His hands enveloped your forearms. Not stopping you. Just holding you, letting you play with his clothes. His thumbs rubbed the aching muscles in your wrists.

“Do you even have to ask, anymore?”

Slipping out from his grip, you walked towards the direction of your apartment door, knowing he would follow. His response came from behind you.

“I’ll always ask, sweetheart.”

This was how you ended up in your bed with Sylus, laying across the expanse of his body. The closeness of the flesh was always a sharp contrast to the distance of your feelings from his. He was idly stroking his fingertips up and down your spine, head propped up on one of the plushies he had won you at the arcade, a makeshift pillow. By now, the room was completely dark. Sylus, ever the nocturnal animal, seemed to have no trouble seeing in the lightless space. You wanted to relax, to sink into the beckoning peace of his heartbeat, but something held you back from fully letting go. You needed things that were cold and hard to keep you from losing yourself to his entirety. 

Without the pain, without the control, the thoughts would return. Rumination spirals. Thoughts that plagued you when your body was unoccupied, when your hands weren’t around your gun, when your feet didn’t pound the earth. Had you really unplugged that heating element? What if you had forgotten, and the apartment had burned down in your absence? Was that ingredient label really correct? What if they were lying about the contents? Was there something inside of your body now that you hadn’t properly vetted? Had something dirty touched you, making you need to shower again and again and again? Shadows flitted in the corners of your vision, escaping just when you tried to look. You continued to try to follow them with your eyes, unsuccessfully. Sylus had been quiet. You heard his head turn against the fabric of the plushie. The backs of his fingers brushed your cheek.

“What are you looking at?”

You shook your head, knowing he could feel the movement from where you laid on his chest.

“Nothing.”

Sylus hummed, sounding unconvinced by your lie. A big, warm palm came up to cover your eyelids. Suddenly, you were cast into red darkness under his touch. You could smell your hand soap on his palm, for it nearly eclipsed your face in its entirety for its size. His voice lowered to a whisper.

“Don’t look. Just focus on me.”

You knew you could trust Sylus’s senses more than your own. In that regard, he was something like a walking pillar of truth when you were unsure of reality. He never begrudged you for sometimes being unable to tell the difference between dream and the waking world, for being suspicious of your own mind, suspicious of others. Suspicious of inanimate objects, of anything that existed in your vicinity, of anything that entered your body. He chased the shades away with his gentle touch. Stripped of your sight, you did as he commanded. His warmth sank into you in all the places your skin connected. There was the sound of his breath, coming deep and easy through his nose. The rise and fall of his chest. His scent, a linger of vetiver and a hint of his cigarettes. Between all of these sensations was something else; the swell of love for him was like a return to the womb, cast into the warm wet of the darkness, his footsteps, his heartbeat, becoming as a child, these things are all you hear. His sensations were your reality, even without the need for a resonance. 

“Better?”

His voice, a deep and familiar anchor. You nodded against his palm. Your lips brushed his skin with the movement, a pale imitation of a kiss. A thought occurred to you, then. If he moved his hand down just a little further, it could wrap silently around your neck, and quietly squeeze your life away. It would be easy for him – as easy as taking a breath. Sylus was so strong. You had seen him take the lives of men twice your size without even using his evol, the breath of life snuffed out of them. You curled your fingertips around his hand, and guided it to the soft flesh of your neck, so it wrapped around there. He turned to you on the bed, supporting himself on his other elbow. Though you weren’t looking at him, you could hear the undercurrent of confusion in his voice. 

“Kitten?”

Just for a moment, you felt an increased pressure from him, the twitch of his fingers against your skin, against the place where he could crush your windpipe, cut off the flow of blood to your brain, send you into an endless sleep, let you pass away from this world by his hand. You pressed down on it, encouraging him to squeeze, to let you go, to finally free you from this. You couldn’t do it on your own – but if it was him, it was easy. You wanted it from him. You swallowed under his palm, feeling yourself sink into acceptance. This could be your final sprint, because if you finally stopped running, his absence would come to meet you with open arms.

But no such mercy was to be at his hands, because you were being lifted, then, your eyes snapping open, lifted not by his arms but by his evol. Sylus was sitting up in bed, and his evol deposited you in his lap, straddling his strong legs. And then your gun was inexplicably in your hands, and you couldn’t drop it – it was chained there with the black and red mist, the barrel pressing against Sylus’s chest, your finger on the trigger against your will. You struggled against the iron grip of the ephemeral spirit that chained you to no avail. His eyes were narrowed at you in the dark, slits the color of violence.

“Sylus,” you choked out, wanting to say stop, what are you doing, stop, I can’t do this again, please, please, please, please, but nothing came. The back of your tongue felt swollen with the asphyxiation of fear, the replaying of events you so hated, of your greatest terror. Your body shuddered with the rapid coursing of adrenaline.

His free hand stroked the barrel of the gun, pressing it harder into his chest. He tilted his head to the side, voice a thoughtful whisper.

“This is my hand around your neck. Can you do it?”

You shook your head fervently, bile rising in your throat. You didn’t have Sylus’s death in you for a second time. Once was already too many times. The trembling of your hand was making your finger click against the trigger. You heard the sound, and fought the jagged heaving of your chest, breaths coming uneven and hot. Again, you shook your head. Each movement took more and more effort, for you were outside of yourself, no longer your body, merely the embodiment of fear.

And suddenly the mist was gone, the gun cast aside, landing with a heavy thud onto the carpet of your bedroom. You slumped forward into Sylus’s chest, and he caught you in his arms, wrapping them around you in a grip that crushed. Your mind was exhausted, emptied of everything but him. Your body was limp, supported only by his boundless strength. Loss, in a sense, filled everything, and nothing filled everything. Only the beating desperations of your intertwined lives remained, thumping with the red of a base existence.

“Your death would mean mine. You won’t leave me. Not this time.”

tags: @xxfaithlynxx @cutestnursingstudent @crowskitten22

[smosh-fessions]

this is kind of a hateful ask so feel free to just delete, but i watched guts (angela's short film) and some of the comments kinda disappointed me. it was such a well written, well acted, well directed short film and it was emotional and meaningful! media about eating disorders that's really honest and emotional isn't super triggering is so rare and greatly appreciated! i just hated that there were so many comments just about angela. granted, there's a lot of thoughtful comments and people saying the same thing as i am right now- but there are also a few comments of people being incapable of doing anything but talk about angela and her being on smosh. and it was enough upon initial release for me to notice and be frustrated by.

art is so difficult and this film was a team effort, why do certain fans want everyone to know that they're there mostly for angela and nobody else? does that not feel disrespectful to them? i felt similarly when patrick's short film came out- he and amanda have incredible chemistry and acted off each other with such natural tension and patrick was so menacing, towing the line between kooky and an actual threat. but all some people talked about in the comments and social media was amangela- which was only in the film for like. 5 minutes. yes, it's sweet and kinda gay that amanda wanted angela to be her wife for the film but that's literally such a small part of the film. there were other things going on.

it just frustrates me that when people like angela who are members of really popular groups make art outside that group, the fans of said group can't engage with the art that they're a part of without appreciating all the other people involved or the story being told. i 100% totally understand it- i would not have been served either short film had i not been a fan of smosh in the first place and i'm excited to see the cast members and patrick outside of smosh and especially for them to be so serious and good. but oh my god where is the decorum?

this rant was spurred on by seeing the fact that dan and phil fans (of which i am one) in the youtube comments section did not appreciate the other simmers on the sims anniversary livestream and just spammed dan and phil things the whole time. im begging some of u thst if ur gonna engage with media, pls for the love of god, show some love to everybody involved! it's cute that smosh appreciates the crew as much as they do- so let's keep that same energy for outside projects!! also this isn't critique of angela- she did incredible in both guts and i live in your house! i love her! i am angela giarratanamaxxing as we speak (idk what i mean by that but i am), but more a critique on how certain people engage with media. pls have some decorum, divas!

I agree a million percent. It's fine to leave a comment that you're happy to see more of Angela's talent, but as you said, people act like she (or whoever) is the ONLY person who made it.

It's not done in malice most of the time, I don't think, but that doesn't change the impact it has. I would be disappointed to see no comments on the rest of my film and only comments about one of the actors if I were Margeaux.

The film was wonderful and hit home for me more than I expected it to, and I wish more people took the time to look at these things for what they are as opposed to just a vehicle for more Angela.

This was very well said.

[mrsshabana]

honestly i need a story time about the cult? also the link to that podcast, im intrigued now lol

𝐌𝐲 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭

Ok children gather around. It's story time 🤓

Note: Now I won't provide a link because I talk about a lot of personal stuff including my name and location, and I don't want so many people having access to that. But I don't mind telling my story here.

Content warning: Mentions of religious trauma and eating disorders

Ok, so let me set the scene. I was 18 and moved out of my parents' house. I lived in a ghetto apartment near my university where I was studying art.

Now when I moved out my parents stopped talking to me. So I really felt alone, I had no family, no friends, and I was in a new place so I was very desperate to have a connection with someone. So really I was the perfect victim for a cult because I was vulnerable.

One day I was walking out of the mathematics building when a student stopped me and asked me if I would like to read the bible with her. She was a Korean international student and she was really nice so I was like sure why not. Now at this point, I wasn't super religious but I did consider myself a Christian. But I never knew the bible very well and my family was the kind of family that only went to church on easter and Christmas.

So anyway, I read the bible with her and she explained it to me. The way she explained the passage was insinuating that there was a female version of god. That was something I had never heard of before but it was interesting to me so I decided to come with her to her bible study.

Long story short it ended up being this organization called "The World Mission Society Church of God." I went to their church and spent hours with them every Wednesday and Saturday because they made me feel accepted. They welcomed me and became like my family which I didn't have at the time.

Something I really loved about them was that their church was so diverse. There were so many different kinds of people there, I really felt welcome. Because growing up churches seemed so segregated. I'm biracial, my mom is white and my dad is black so growing up we either went to the white church or the black church. And at both I felt like people would stare at me and my family and that I wasn't welcome there.

So it felt really nice to have such a diverse church where I felt truly welcomed. Anyway, I ended up making a lot of friends there and I stayed with them for about 6 months. Then I figured out they were actually a cult. It's a long story but I won't go into it because this isn't even the main part yet.

After leaving the World Mission Society I felt really lonely again because I lost the only friends and sense of belonging I had. But I had to just keep going.

Maybe about 3 months later this random Korean guy approached me on campus and he asked me if I'd like to participate in a survey thing about the bible. I was skeptical at first because my previous church had told me that every Korean person was a part of their church. (Which obviously is NOT true). But my mind was thinking, "Oh no, what if they are trying to get back to me."

But I decided that it's not right to assume that this man is a part of that cult just because he's Korean. So I agreed to participate in this survey and I gave him my phone number.

Basically, a professor was writing a book where she'd answer people's most common questions about the bible. And she was surveying students to collect questions for the book. It sounded pretty cool to me so I was very interested.

I met up with the professor at a Starbucks on campus and I answered her questions about things I've always wondered about the bible. We'll call this lady Anya.

During our meeting, I expressed to Anya how I felt discarded by god because of my previous cult experience. I felt like I wasn't worthy of his love and I was very ashamed of what I did. Because we would literally pray to a human man who claimed to be god. After leaving I knew that wasn't true, and I figured god no longer loved me for what I did.

Anya was so encouraging and kind. She told me that is it 100% untrue, and that god does love me. That he put me through that experience for a reason and it only made me stronger.

Then she offered to do some bible study lessons with me so I could learn things the right way and start to feel a little bit better about my situation. And of course, I agreed. I was desperate to redeem myself and make friends again.

So I started going to this bible study once a week. Which turned to twice a week. Which turned into me going to some woman's house to have lessons. We'll call this woman Cara.

Cara was from Korea and so was her husband, they were extremely nice and welcomed me into their home. They would feed me ramen and cool snacks, and I honestly felt like a part of their family. There were lots of people in this bible study too and I made a ton of friends.

So fast forward, I had been studying the bible with them for about a year now. And nothing crazy, I was learning about the parables of the bible and the meanings of all those things in the bible that make no sense. It was very informative and interesting but nothing outlandish.

They sit us down for this big "reveal" about who the 2nd coming of Jesus is. Now they hyped it up so much and they told us that we can't judge this person no matter what. This whole time I thought it was going to be someone crazy like Kanye West or something. But no, it was an old Korean man.

He seemed unassuming enough? I had never heard of him so I didn't know why they made such a big deal out of it.

Now at this point, you are probably thinking, "Why the hell would you fall for this again?" Listen, trust me I was frustrated with myself when I left but you have to understand these people love-bombed me when I had no one. They became my family when I had none. They lied to me for an entire year so I'd trust them and get close to them before they revealed who they really were.

And they were a church called Shincheonji.

And I had no problem accepting this because these people had been my family and my best friends for an entire year. They'd feed me, watch movies with me, do anything to help me out. So I trusted them wholeheartedly. But really I was just being brainwashed.

So after I found out that they were Shincheonji they put me in their group for advanced students. And I'd begin studying multiple times a week at Cara's house and Anya was always there too. I would join the twice-weekly sermons via zoom as well. Where one of the Korean tribe leaders would give a sermon about something. I was in the Mathias tribe by the way, though that doesn't really matter.

I would do so so much with them, we even all went on a road trip to Houston where the other branch was. They even got me a birthday cake and surprised me for my birthday too. It was honestly great, and I loved them a lot.

We were basically encouraged to recruit as many people as we can because if we don't they will go to hell. They put so much pressure on us for this. They'd say things like, "Don't you want to save them?" And I am a very empathetic person so I felt like omg I want to save everyone! But on the other hand, ever since I joined Shincheonji my anxiety and depression went through the roof. The pressure to save the entire world is a lot for a 21-year-old girl. So I never recruited anyone myself because I didn't want them to have to struggle with the same mental health issues I did when I joined.

I also had some physical health issues arise as well. Their teachings would always preach how "The word of god is all the food we need." How spiritual food was more important than physical food. And that really stuck with me, especially when I got food poisoning and I couldn't eat solid food for two weeks. Something about not eating made me feel good. Like I didn't even need food because the word of god was enough, so why not just not eat at all? Not eating felt like the only thing I could control, so I clung to it. And I became anorexic. Being with Shinchenji was the only time I was ever considered underweight.

Anyway, I have so many crazy stories to tell about my time with them but I'll save those for another day.

I had been with them for about two and a half years before I started to question things.

We got a new teacher from Korea to replace Cara because she was going to have a baby. And this new teacher was a lot different and a lot less loving and nurturing than Cara had been.

She had said some things that I didn't agree with, and it started putting some doubt in my mind.

Ok so, on a side note I used to work at the library at my school doing data entry in the basement. And I would listen to podcasts a lot throughout the day as I did my work.

One day I found an interesting podcast about cults, where the host would bring cult victims onto the show and they'd tell their story. Well I was listening to an episode about the Moonies and I thought to myself, "Huh, they sound very similar to Shincheonji in some ways..."

But I knew I could not think such thoughts and that if I did any research then the devil would poison me through the internet. And I needed to strengthen my spirit for even thinking of such a thing.

So I went to reddit, and I found a subreddit called r/Shincheonji. I was like, "Oh yes! Now I can talk to other Shincheonji members and we can strengthen each other's faith!"

But it wasn't a subreddit for believers. It was a subreddit for ex-members and people who were against Shincheonji.

And at this point, I had already seen enough to plant that seed of doubt in me. I read more and more even though Shincheonji warned me I'd be poisoned if I ever researched them. But I couldn't stop myself.

I went through so much inner turmoil, you guys have no idea. My reality was crumbling so hard and I felt like my world was ending. It's hard to explain, but I was so indoctrinated and brainwashed by this point. This really ruined me.

I had to mourn the loss of all of the family and friends I gained these past years. I would cry almost every night because I missed them, and it was so hard to accept that they never truly loved me at all. To be honest, I still think about some of them to this day and I hope they got out and found peace in their lives.

No one in my life had known I was a part of Shincheonji. My closest friends nor my family, who had slowly started talking to me again. But I had to tell someone so I told my childhood best friend, we'll call him Blaine.

I got in a Playstation party with Blaine and I just cried. I cried so so much, and he was so confused. But eventually, I told him everything. And he was really supportive and gave me no judgment at all.

My main issue was, how could I leave? I have quite literally been living a double life this entire time and not having that scared the shit out of me. But Blaine advised me to cut them off completely and just leave without saying anything. Because his concern was that if they got the chance to talk to me, they would most certainly be able to pull me back in. And I know them well enough to know this is true. So that's exactly what I did, I left and went cold turkey. I even went as far as changing my work schedule too.

And here's where things get creepy.

I hadn't spoken to them for about a week now, and I'm at work. I'm working as usual in the basement on the computers and low and behold, three girls walk in. Girls from my cult, girls that I was close to.

Now students aren't allowed to just waltz into this room so they had some big balls to do that. But the weird thing was, I had completely changed my schedule and I was working on a day I normally had off. They should have had no idea I was there.

But here they were, holding a large cup of boba from my favorite place. And in my favorite flavor too, winter milk cap with mango popping bubbles.

They came up to me and said, "Hey girl, we noticed you haven't been coming to worship lately. Is everything alright?"

I said, "Oh uh yeah everything's fine! I've just been super busy with work and a ton of projects for class..."

"Ok, well we got this for you," they handed me the boba, "We were hoping to talk to you. We can wait for you outside and talk to you when you get off."

I started panicking so I said, "My mom is actually picking me up as soon as I get off so I won't be able to, I'm sorry! Maybe another time though, I'll text you."

They were convinced by my response so they left. And boy did I RUN so fucking fast after I got off work. I even called Blaine so he could talk to me in case they came after me, but luckily they didn't and I got home ok.

He started yelling at me for drinking the boba saying, "YOU IDIOT! THEY PROBABLY POISONED IT!"

But hey, free boba is free boba.

Anyway, after that event I knew I had to text that girl and tell her I was deciding to leave Shinchenji because I didn't want them to show up at my job again or follow me around.

So I texted her, trying to be as nice as possible and explain to her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I told her how this affected my mental health and my physical health. How I developed an eating disorder from being in Shincheonji too.

Her response was really rude and condescending. She said my mental health issues and my eating disorder were my fault and the work of satan trying to blame them. She told me that once I leave I can never be accepted into heaven, that I'm damning myself to hell as well as all of my family members. I'll be honest, she made me feel incredibly guilty and selfish for leaving. Their teachings were still ingrained in me. But I knew that I could never return after everything, so I blocked her and never spoke to her again.

Oh yeah and that book the professor was writing in the beginning, that wasn't real and she wasn't a professor. It was just a ruse to lure students in.

I will admit I could never get their teachings out of my head. And to this day, even though I know they were wrong, a part of me believes I am going to hell for what I did and all of my family will suffer because of me. So now I can't even look at a bible, and I no longer consider myself religious.

And after this experience, I reached out to that cult podcast that helped me realize I was also in a cult, and I got an episode of my own where I got to tell my story.

So yeah haha that's my story!

Today only my close friends know, and I never told my parents. They still have no idea and honestly, I don't know if I will ever tell them.

I'm still really plagued by a lot of things they did, and my worldview has never been the same. My life has never been the same. But I've been cult free for about 2 years now so I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I'm sorry this was so long. But if you read the whole thing I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading my story. And if you are a college student, please be careful because cults like this are rampant on college campuses, especially in the U.S.

After leaving the cult, I needed something to obsess over, something to make me feel normal. And that was Gyutaro! And I gotta say, obsessing over him is much healthier than obsessing over the teachings of a cult.

Anyway, I want you all to know that this blog has been an escape for me and helped me to feel normal again after this experience. And I don't need a cult to make me feel loved anymore. Because I have all of you :)

[ashwhowrites]

oh would you write about eddie x girlfriend reader whos recovering from an eating disorder & he’s on full support and comfort. today she decided to let eddie have control over what she eats for the day. at some parts (maybe like bread with chocolate or some snacks) she starts getting overwhelmed & cry’s & he’s there, comforting her, giving her head/forehead kisses, holds her hands, talks to her & eats with her, so she doesn’t feel alone.

and i would really like to read more about wayne, so maybe the next day she asks wayne to decide what she’ll eat today & he’s really excited to be there for her & help her in such progress. both munsons comfort her & she’s so thankful!<3

I hope this is what you were looking for and you enjoy it. Thank you for requesting <3

⚠️ mentions of ED

Recovery

Y/N was recovering from an eating disorder, trying every day to move one step forward. It was hard to do on her own, so her boyfriend vowed to help her every step of the way. Which he did. Eddie was so patient and supportive, she never felt that before.

She wanted to give herself a small challenge to push her further. She asked Eddie to pick what she'd eat throughout the day and he was so excited to help her. He immediately agreed with a huge smile and began to work on his list.

"Breakfast is served," Eddie announced, proudly placing the plate in front of her. He sat down next to her in his chair, with a plate for him as well.

Y/N looked down at the toast covered in Nutella, overwhelmed by the thick spread. She felt tears welling in her eyes but tried to remain calm. Eddie placed his hand on hers and squeezed it.

"We'll go slow. Just breathe. Here I'll even cut it in half and we will start with that." He said, using a knife as he cut the toast in half, taking a piece and throwing it on his plate.

"Not as scary, right? Just half the toast. We'll do the first bite together." Eddie said, picking up his toast as he held it in his mouth. She looked at him as she slowly picked up the toast. Both take a bite.

"That's my girl!" Eddie cheered as she swallowed the first bite. Eddie pressed a chocolatey kiss to her forehead.

"Ew Eddie!"

~~~

For lunch, Eddie decided on sandwiches. His sandwich was loaded with turkey, ham, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes. She felt herself getting overwhelmed as he placed down his plate.

"No worries, baby. You get the most spectacular sandwich combination out there!" She smiled when he placed down peanut butter and jelly, the bread cut into a heart.

"And if you want some, no pressure, some grapes." A small bowl of grapes is placed between them.

Eddie slowly ate with her, taking small bites as she ate. He made sure they always finished eating at the same time so she didn't feel pressured to eat faster.

Just like breakfast, he walked her through it, squeezing her hand and kissing her forehead when she finished.

~~~

After dinner, Y/N felt very proud of herself. And Eddie reminded her just how proud he was.

The next day, they were visiting Wayne. Y/N thought why not let Wayne decide what she eats for the day?

Wayne was just as excited as Eddie, she laughed at the resemblance. Wayne didn't eat well-balanced meals as it was, so she had a feeling he'd pick the most random things.

And he did.

She had a day filled with snacks and not meals. But she liked it.

"Wayne, she's not eating cookies for lunch!" Eddie scolded him, but Wayne brushed him off.

"I think the girl wants cookies, maybe milk?" Wayne asked, Y/N lit up at the idea.

"Oh my gosh, yes!"

Eddie groaned as Wayne and Y/N sat close on the couch, both diving into the cookies.

"Grab the milk will ya?" Wayne asked through a mouthful of cookies. Eddie looked at him with a disapproving look but grabbed the milk anyway.

Dinner happened to be tomato soup, something Eddie approved of this time.

"I'm proud of you, kid. Just remember that." Wayne said as they prepared to leave. Y/N smiled at his words, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.

Some days would be harder than others, but at least her boys were always there to help.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @somethingvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid @tlclick73 @hargrovesswifee @cityofidek @manyfandomsfanvergentreblogs @silky-luxe @lokiofasgard616 @loving-and-dreaming @eddiemunsonsbitch69 @thegemaqua @ashlynnkennedy @strangerthingsstories5255 @harringt8ns @pleasinghellfire @whoscamila @stusdollface93

[tia-amorosa]

Episode 1: unmotivated (Part 1)

Bridgewood

A warm breeze is blowing over the city this morning. It has been a little colder than usual over the last few days. This was probably partly because spring was coming to an end. Now summer has finally arrived and it is no longer permanently cold in the trailer. "Meow?"

("Forget it, you won't get any of it. Instructions from your mom. Oh man, why did that thing have to appear in front of our house of all places? I didn't have a chance to say no. As soon as anything with four paws stands in front of her, my opinion is superfluous. I hope she's feeling well today. it's been over half a year now and she's still struggling with it…").

“Meeoow!”. ("My God, that's good, here you go … But don't tell her anything, OK? I'm still wondering how she came up with the name Gumball… Probably because he's overweight. But it's not from eating too much, some kind of metabolic disorder, she said. By now she knows her way around really well, but… Shit, I wish she hadn't larded so much at university").

("She actually wanted to make it, but studying was more difficult than she had expected. It was actually her dream, but it fell through. And then we realized that Anne Arbor wasn't for us. They provided us with the houses, but the social atmosphere there was simply poisonous. Fortunately, the others came here with us).

("And now we've been here for a few weeks, in Bridgewood. It's a relatively quiet area with lots of greenery. The people here are okay. We haven't made any new friends here yet. But luckily the old ones have stayed with us. I've got the hang of the waffles by now, And I've got two days off now, Monday it's back to the machines").

("The waffles are ready and Lis? Hn…She likes to sleep in late, hates being woken up too early. She quickly got used to being at home. At home… We had imagined it differently, but this trailer was simply the best thing for us to start with. Her mother had offered to let us stay with her in the house for the first few months… But neither she nor I wanted to do that.") / ”I know that you don't sleep anymore..“.

Lisa looked at him just one eye. It was true, she had been awake for a while, woken by the sweet smell of freshly baked waffles. Then she stretched the sleep from her body and slowly sat up. “You could have stayed in bed a little longer, VJ…"/ ‘I can't if the hangover is making a fuss and wants to go out’.

She looked at him briefly and had to smile a little. “You should know him a bit by now. He goes outside every morning, catches something and then brings it in"/ ”I guess he didn't catch anything this time. Would you like to visit your parents today?” She shook her head. “hh, o.k."/ ‘Come back to bed, huh?’. He tilted his head slightly and smiled with just one corner of his mouth. “And the waffles?"/ ”Can wait.”

VJ looked back for a moment and glanced into the living room. The cat had just curled up on the floor, which gave him the certain feeling that he would certainly not touch the plate of waffles on the counter. He was too well behaved for that. He just begged tirelessly until he got something. “hh, you make me so weak, Lis"/ ”I know…” …

One of the basic human needs is to procreate. But VJ and Lisa were far from thinking about planning a family. They have always been too cautious for that. After finishing school and arriving in their new home, they made sure they had enough condoms in the house. For them, sex was still the greatest pleasure they could have.

------------------------------------------------------------

@greenplumbboblover , @solorisims , @plumbobgothica Please let me know if it's still okay to be tagged. :)

NOTE: Now Here we have the beginning of the sequel to Sunset Died. Let's say it takes place one to one and a half years later. The young people have grown up, have started their vocational training... Only Lisa hasn't really got herself together yet.

NOTE 2: When taking screenshots with GShade, I have to be careful that the stupid name tags aren't visible on the Sims^^^^. Unfortunately, I didn't notice it until too late. It will happen again in the next part, but from this point on I made sure to first take the mouse off the Sims and then take a picture. 😂😁

[slutforreginageorge]

But I am looking at you

Warning: Angst, mention of eating disorder and depression

Ship: Regina x Janis

Angst

Summary: there is a new student in school and everyone seems to love her

————————————————

Janis was enjoying her Wednesday, it was normal like every other she had her art period, biochem and math —okay the math part was less joyful but she was able to she a friend of hers. She currently found herself at lunch, having just sat down and now leaning against her girlfriend who was rubbing little patterns into her thing while eating her cheese fries.

Their friend group was quietly chatting, Janis did not feel like listening since it was nothing to important to be listening.

The brunette was starting to drift off into a soft slumber, when she felt Regina shift under her head and seconds later Cadys voice, telling them about her new friend. Janis opened her eyes and looked up just to be meet with a way to exited Cady and next to her a tall brunette.

“Everyone this Claire, she is in my AP calc class,” Cady was a moment away from vibrating from excitement. Damian was the first to speak, introducing himself the rest follow. Janis could feel Regina pushing her away slightly, first she shook Janis off her shoulder then she moved her hand away from the smaller woman’s leg and all in all she pushed Janis an inch or two away from her, just to the introduce herself. Janis eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Regina barely acted this way and if she did there would be at least something touching just to reassure Janis every thing was fine. But right now it did not seem like Regina did it by accident. The blonde straightened her back and smiled at Claire, it was not the smile she would give Janis but it was still big and showed off her dimples.

When Janis wanted to speak up, Damian stepped in “Soooo, Claire what do you do? How come you are at this school you seem new!” Claire shit her a tight lipped smile and went to answer the mans questions.

“Well I am new here I previous was at western high but wanted to transfer because the math and art Programm is better at north shore. Which leads to what I do. I sketch every now and then and I ride horses!” Janis perked up at the word sketch but the sulked back into her seat when Claire mentioned riding, Janis did not mind that the girl rode horses, it just made her even more perfect and the fact that her own friends and especially girlfriend were fanning over her did not help. “Janis dread as well,” Gretchen threw in. “Really that’s so cool, Mandy we will see each other in art,” Claire smiled revealing her perfect with teeth, Janis just nodded not daring herself to smile suddenly insecure about her teeth.

“Claire do you have a picture of something you drew,” Cady smiled still way to exited about this for Janis’s liking.

The tall brunette nodded and toke her phone out and show some pictures.

“Wow, Janis this is like wayyy better than any of your art, it does seem like the only good thing you can do is light a fire,” Damian laughed and Janis felt something in her gut clench, why the fuck would he say something like that, the rest of the table laughed as well and Janis suddenly felt very out off place.

Lunch went by the same and Janis just wanted for it to end. Math was good she was happy that she got once understood, she was optimistic about her afternoon since Regina and her would meet up and spent some time together, so when she stepped out of the school she was surprised that Regina was not in sight and with that her car. Janis waited for some time thinking that maybe Regina’s class was running late or she was dropping their friends off and then returning to pick up Janis.

Regina never came, Janis made her way home, she checkt her phone just to see no notifications, besides one from her mother telling her she would not becoming home till late at night. Janis thought about texting Regina about whether or not their were still on for later. She decided she would do it when she go home.

By then she still hadn’t heard anything from Regina or her other friends which just made the feeling in her gut tighten.

Jay <3: hey we still up for later?

Gina baby: absolutely, why wouldn’t we be?

Jay <3: just wanted to make sure, I’m gonna get ready

Gina baby: okay, want me to pick you up?

Jay <3: no, I’m good. See you :*

The feeling eased up after she texted the blonde but she couldn’t help but still feel like something was up.

When she got to the blonds house she made sure to text Regina and the to Ring the bell.

“Why do you ring the bell as well, when I already texted you that I will be down in a sec?” Regina asked as she opened the door, kissing her girlfriend before letting her in.

“I don’t know, more fun i guess,” Janis smiled, even though she was not sure if it was a genuine smile. Regina was still being weird or at least there was some weirder tension surrounding them and it made Janis feel a little bit uncomfortable and confused.

“You want something to eat, you didn’t eat at lunch today.” Regina did not seem to pick up on the tension surrounding them, Janis nodded and they made their way to the kitchen where Regina made them some snacks, afterwards they settled n Regina’s bed. The small artist made herself comfortable, feeling some weirder need to cuddle but she did not want to seem clingy or anything like that so she waited for her blond girlfriend to initiate it.

They sat in silence while, Regina picked out a movie on her laptop.

Janis looked around the room suddenly feeling uncomfortable in the familiar surroundings, it was weird and Janis did not like it at all. It seemed to her that she was making things weird and if Regina was not picking up on the tension there probably was non.

“Jay, baby?” The soft voice of her girlfriend ripped her out of her thoughts, Janis flinched a a bit when she felt a hand on her thigh.

“Babe, are you sure everything is alright, you seem of,” there was concern lacing her voice and it made Janis feel sick first Regina was weird when Claire was introduced to them — nearly flirting with her— and then she did not wait for Janis after class ended and now Regina asked if every thing was alright.

“Why did you not wait for me after class? I came out and you were not there and your car as well,” Janis was playing with her rings, nervous tick she did not seem to be able to let go.

“Oh well, I didn’t know we were driving together after school today and besides Claire did not have a ride home so I offered.”

“Regina you drove me to school today, I thought that meant we would be driving back together as well and besides I did not have a ride home too, you know.”

“Janis it’s a god damn ride home, you don’t need to be jealous now!” Regina was getting irritated and it was confusing Janis even more, had she done something wrong.

“No, you are right. It’s silly, what do you think about Claire anyway?” Janis did not feel like fighting right now, already feeling somewhat like crying and if they would fight now it would probably lead to a panic attack.

“Claire? OMG, she is so cool and they way she is good at math and draws so well it’s amazing, she is generally so smart and have you seen her figure she has like the perfect summer body.”

Janis felt even more like crying after her parents rant about the new girl.

“Yeah she seems nice, so what do you want to watch?”

They were halfway through the movie they were watching, still not cuddling and the small brunette even felt like Regina hade moved even further away from her.

Regina was phone started to ring, Gretchen’s caller ID showing on the screen.

“Gretch, what’s up?” Regina shot Janis an apologetic look and stood up to talk to Gretchen in private.

“Yes, I like Claire she is amazing. You know if shit ever ended between Janis and I, I would most definitely take her,” Regina spike and Janis felt like she was about to throw up, it really was the only full sentence she had picked up from their conversation and it made her gut clench and tears brim her eyes.

Janis stood up packing her things to leave, before leaving a message to Regina that she had to go home because her mom wanted her to do some stuff around the house. What Janis did not know was that this would probably be the last time she would be seeing Regina outside from school.

Over the next few weeks the whole friend group would sort of ignore Janis not just in school, also she it came to the group chat and if something was written in their someone would always text that they would ask Claire if she wanted to hang out as well and if Janis would ask if someone had time to hang out it would always be `sorry Jan don’t have time’ or `maybe be another time’.

To Janis it felt the exact same way as when she had the down fall with Regina in sixth grade and her and Damian had not really been friend yet.

Her breaking point was when she had to go to the mall to get some stuff for her mom and new art supplies, she had found her friend group I couldn’t Claire in their favorite hangout spot after all of them said they had some family thing to do or needed to do stuff for school. It was when it hit her that Claire was all the things she was not. Claire was funny, did not say stupid fucking shit , she in general was incredibly smart and talented, she always knew the right thing to say. All in all Claire was tall brunette hat the most perfect body and face, she was pretty.

when the artist got home she laid in bed, she once again felt like that sixth grade kid who had just been outed in front of the whole school by her best friend and then had lit her backpack on fire.

Her mom noticed her weird behavior, the way Janis would stop doing everything except school and Training. She had stopped painting and stitching, going to gymnastics tracing instead and consternating at school more. Janis stopped talking as much as she did before and she stopped eating regularly as well sometimes going days without eating, sitting alone at lunch again or with her other friends and no one of her friends noticed her absence.

She had hopes when her birthday came around that everything would change, it did not. When the day came, her mom was away having a 48 hour shift at the hospital and non of her close friends texted or even spoke to her in weeks almost month. Jans cried feeling like it really was all her fault, that she was not as good as Claire was and that she deserved all of this. She had the urge to self harm more and more often past few days, she did not do it but she did work out even more and ate even less.

It was the day that she collapsed from exhaustion and stress, that she was able to see Regina again. Janis had collapse right after gym class, she was brought in to the nurses office and Regina was called to bring her home since Janis’s mother was not answering.

“Ms. George I suggest that you stay with her and make sure that she eats and sleeps enough. She is not hurt or anything but it seems like she hasn’t eaten in a while and sleep does also not seem like her first priority.” Regina nodded turning around to look at Janis who seemed even small now.

The care ride was silent and remained her of the way her mom had drove her home after she had lit Reginas backpack on fire, there was tension around them and it was thick. Regina did not seem mad more disappointed or annoyed that she had to drive Janis home now and then look after her and it was the exact same tension as with her mom years earlier.

Regina did not look at her once and Janis wanted her to look at her again the same way had looked at her just a few months ago ago when everything was fine and Claire was not at their school.

Janis wanted to scream and cry and hit Regina have the blonde tell her that they are fine and that she es not mad or annoyed or disappointed for not eating or sleeping, but they were not fine. Janis sat on her bet waiting for Regina to return with the food was said she was going to make.

“Eat and do not tell me you are not hungry because we both know you have not eaten in several days,” Regina’s tone was harsh Janis tried to find something soft in her words but there was none. She nodded not darting herself to speak.

Her girlfriend—Janis didn’t even know if they were still in a relationship— sat on her desk looking around the room while Janis ate. The brunettes room looked different the blond noted, more clean and less Janis that she had remembered it to be.

“Janis you want to tell me why you collapsed?”

“You already know why, so why bother asking,” her voice was horse from not speaking for a long period of time.

“Because it want to hear it from you, I want to hear from you that you started to starve yourself again or maybe I want to hear from you that this is all just a sick joke and you collapsed because you did not drink enough!”

“Fine Regina! I did not eat, I also did not sleep in days. Okay?!”

“But why Janis, Why?” Regina was begging and somewhere something in Janis’s gut clenched out of guilt.

Janis looked down at her hands not knowing what to say.

“Jay, i want to know what’s wrong so I can help you.”

“And I want you to stop pretending like we are fine, like we haven’t talked in months and none of you guys remember my birthday or incited me to any of your party’s. Regina I want you to look at me,” Tear were streaming down Janis’s face ad she tried to wipe them away not wanting regina to see them.

“Janis, what do you meant look at you? I am looking at you.”

“Yeah you are looking at me but your are looking at me the same way you are looking at ou- your friends, I want you to look at me like you still love me and tell me that I am still your girlfriend and that you are not mad at me for self harming again or thinking about committing, base none of you really care anyway. But instead you look at Claire with those eyes you look at her and a you she is all the things she is that I am not.”

“Janis, any that is not true. I am not mad at you or annoyed and least of all disappointed. I am sorry i stopped talking to you and That I stopped looking at you in general,” Regina rushed over to Janis’s bed hugging her and Janis hugged Regina so hard fear she might disappear.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry”

“It’s fine”

“No it’s not Janis, not at all. I still love you okay. Janis you really are my whole world and don’t know what I would do if you committed suicide.”

They laid down cuddling, Janis on top hugging Regina like her life depended on it.

“Stay?” She whispered in to the blonde’s neck.

“Oh my love I am not going any where any time soon.”

Nothing was fixed by then but Regina made Janis eat more and she had a word with their whole friend group about this and in the end it seemed like Claire had it all done on purpose.

————————————————

That’s it, hope you like it. I Kinde hate myself now and I do not think I should read or write any more angst.

Feedback and requests always welcomed :)

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Prompt: Evie in the hospital after Alex's OD, when he wakes up.

Feeling some kind of insane about this

Triggers: overdose, hospitals. Discussions of suicide attempts, drug & alcohol abuse, overdoses, eating disorders, sexual abuse, childbirth (lmk if there are any I should add)

Evie would never forget the day that Alex was born.  August 1st, a month before his due date, Finn had moved in with she and Theo and exactly two weeks later, Evie’s water broke.  Cordelia had been a shockingly easy birth: her water broke with an excruciating contraction and four uncomfortable hours later, she was holding her baby girl.  The nurses said that little Cordelia was ready to be born, and had made her demands known and really, nothing had changed in the twenty-three years since.  But where Cordelia had been as easy as labour could be, Alex had been her polar opposite.  The first contractions hit just after midnight on August 14th, and after an embarrassingly long time worrying about whether or not she should tell Finn – it could be a false alarm, she had told Theo, who’d only reminded her that Finn would still want to know and dote on her until the pain passed – she was brought to the hospital just after one in the morning.

Twenty five hours unbearable hours later, she had a son.  A perfect, precious baby boy.  She’d stared down at him, asleep on her chest after his very first meal, and all she could see was Finn.  Bright blue eyes, even though she knew that not all babies kept their blue eyes, the tiniest hints of blond hair; she knew that he was too fresh to really be able to tell who he took after, but she still saw it.

She’d never been able to explain how she felt, at that point.  More exhausted than Finn or Theo could ever understand – though Blair did, and Tinsley would soon – in a body that didn’t feel like hers, staring down at this perfect little boy and feeling… she didn’t know.  Even now, she didn’t know.  But it wasn’t dissimilar to what she felt now, twenty two years later, looking down at her baby boy in a hospital bed.  More love than she could ever hold in her body and at the same time, complete emptiness, a grief that didn't belong but wouldn't leave her.

Finding Alex had been the worst moment of her life.  Which was saying something, she had a lot of particularly awful moments to choose from, but none would ever come close to that horrific Sunday morning.  She’d known that Alex had been pulling away from his siblings – both her kids and Finn’s, as much as that thought still stung – but he’d promised her that he would be at brunch.  It was supposed to be a celebration, though she hadn’t told anyone what they were celebrating yet: she’d just booked her dream role on Broadway, the one she'd been working towards since, well, since she got pregnant with Connor, and for the first time in months, everyone was in available.  The twins and Grace still lived at home, Connor was still in the city, Cordelia was back from her latest trip, and both Finn and Theo had confirmed that they would be in town that weekend and at brunch on Sunday.  It had taken a bit more work to get Alex to agree but at the end of the day, he’d never been able to say no to his mom.

Which was why she’d gone to his apartment in the first place.  Alex hadn’t shown up.  Maybe he was late. Punctuality was only a talent when it suited him, and he was probably sleeping off a wild night.  Which was fine, she wasn’t worried.  But then fifteen minutes turned to thirty, and thirty turned to sixty, and something was wrong.  Connor had only rolled his eyes, saying that Alex had made it clear he didn’t care to be a part of their family anymore.  Cordelia said he was probably still fucking whoever he’d picked up the night before – crass, but not unreasonable.  Finn said he probably changed his mind, was too hungover, found something better to do, or maybe just hated Finn more than he loved Evie.

But Evie knew her Rockwell boys.  She remembered her own time in and out of Ostroff, remembered almost losing Theo that terrible Thanksgiving, remembered every time Tinsley brushed her off for another party or a night with Rex.  She remembered Finn.  Every time he’d tried to push her away, all four trips to rehab, when he’d disappeared after her wedding only to come back with an ex-wife and a step son.  Rockwell boys might blow off everyone else, but not her. Usually not her. Something was wrong.

So she’d gotten in her car, sat in the backseat calling Alex over and over and over again while her driver broke every law – suggestion; it was New York after all – to get her to his apartment in record time.

And somehow, just barely in time.  The details were a blur, calling Finn and 911, racing to the ER, rattling off medical information as fast as she could breathe, calling Theo and Cordelia and begging them to please not tell the others until they knew more.  She didn’t want to remember that.

But the gut-punching horror when she found her son, her precious baby boy, more than half dead in his own vomit? She would never forget that feeling for as long as she lived.

She wondered if that was how Finn had felt, almost thirty years ago, when she’d called him from her own bathroom floor, half dead and fading quickly, begging him to apologize to Lily for her, for drinking all of her best liquor and raiding her medicine cabinet. To tell Tinsley and Theo that she loved them, telling Finn that he was her best friend and that he'd done his best, that they needed to take care of each other without her.  She owed him an apology – she would have to remember that when he got back. 

The doctors had worked fast and soon described Alex’s condition as stable.  Comatose, with no idea as to if or when he’d wake up, but stable. All they could do was wait.

And Evie hadn’t wanted to leave.  She sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair, pulled up right beside his bed, holding his hand and feeling desperately for his pulse, and she wasn’t going to move until he woke up.

She’d gotten away with it for almost three days.  Three days of sitting in silence, the beeping of his heart monitor echoing throughout the room.  Finn was with her for most of it, occasionally disappearing to – she didn’t know what he was doing, really.  That had become Dali’s business, not Evie’s.  Finn might have spoken to her when he was there, but she wasn’t sure.  She couldn’t remember.  Couldn’t focus on anything but Alex, on how small he looked in the hospital bed – small in a way that he hadn’t been since he’d turned thirteen and found himself almost a foot taller than her.  But on day three, she hadn’t been able to ignore Finn any longer.  He’d sent her home, his driver waiting to escort her back.  Told her to enjoy the bath that Theo was going to draw for her, put on some clean clothes, brush your damn teeth, Eves, seriously, and to have dinner with her family, and she could come back in the morning.

That had been four days ago.  And it had become a routine: every other day she would go home to shower, let someone force some food down her throat, change clothes, and come back.  She hadn’t let overnight again, waking up every half hour from yet another panic attack and throwing up the little food she’d been able to eat had quickly ended that, but it was better.  Everyone told her it was better.

How could anything be better when her son hadn’t woken up?

He was her baby.  Her second child, her first son.  She’d carried him for almost nine months, she’d breastfed him for the first year-and-a-bit of his life, she’d soothed him when he couldn’t sleep, slept in his nursery when she couldn’t sleep, had fought with every fibre of her being to bring him into the world.  He had been hers, and he had been perfect.

And… he was Finn’s.  Evie would never play favourites with her children.  She’d spent too long around Lily van der Woodsen for that.  She loved all six of them – seven. Finn might be with Dali now and Sebastian might officially be in his thirties, but Evie would always count him as one of hers – with all of her heart.  But Alex was Finn’s.  Alex’s was the last piece of Finn that was hers, he was proof of how much Finn had loved her.  They had made their perfect, precious son on their very first try, and that would always mean something to Evie.  Something that she would shove into the back corners of her mind, alongside the flash of disappointment she’d felt when she realized that having a son meant she and Finn would only ever have one child.  Gathering cobwebs with memories of unwanted hands all over her body, of months spent in a hospital bed just like Alex’s, of every fucking time that someone she loved was in a stupid fucking hospital because of their stupid fucking parents and Evie was supposed to be better.  

Evie was supposed to be better.  She loved her children.  She was supposed to be better.  They were supposed to be okay.  They were supposed to grow up.  She was supposed to be better.  She was supposed to be fucking better.  She wasn’t any better.  She was just like her own mother, watching her son barely clinging to a life he didn’t want to live, watching her child’s stomach pumped after ingesting more substances than they could ever list from memory.  She was supposed to be better.

“Mom?”

Evie looked up from where she was still clinging to Alex’s hand.  Blue eyes met hazel.  Blue eyes met hazel.  She would know those eyes anywhere, would know that voice anywhere.  Would know her son, anywhere.

“Hi, baby.”

[cloudsandcrescents]

☁️ Update (Personal) ☁️

Hello Tumblr Friend-o’s,

Your friendly neighborhood Cloud here. I deliberated sharing this here but after finally checking my email and after a much appreciated check in email I received, I thought I would share this little snippet of what’s been going on the past few weeks that I hadn’t even realized had been, well, weeks?

(tw: ed)

Next month will mark the first year anniversary since I reached out for help regarding what I now know to be disordered eating behavior. I have never brought this up in this space because I am a very private person and usually share a very surface level glimpse when I’m dealing with personal struggles. Additionally, I haven’t shared this with people that I even know in real life because I still have doubts of my own and struggle to acknowledge that this isn’t just in my head or that I’m “sick enough”.

When I was away a few months ago, I had also stopped attending my check ins with my RDN. I had been dealing with a lot of shame, guilt, and imposter syndrome that kept me from going back and I started to regress into some behaviors that I had been fighting for months to break out of. A few weeks ago, I reached out as a mess of nerves to see if my RDN possibly had any room to fit me back into her schedule because I knew I needed help.

She said yes—of course.

I started attending my appointments again and I’m adjusting to being on a routine again and that is ultimately why I’ve been quiet. Writing was simply one of those things that fell to the back of my mind because, more than anything else, I wanted to get better.

This is probably the most vulnerable thing that I will share here and it’s not from a place of seeking sympathy but something that we would talk about a lot during my recovery thus far is about slowly getting comfortable with talking about it. If I can talk about it, it’s real and that means that I can ask for help.

So, that said, I’m okay. This was not some planned hiatus nor was it one prompted by something really tragic. This one was simply a slip of the mind because I was actually focusing on getting better and reaching out for help which is not my strong suit by any means.

I know there’s no rush but now that I’m eased back into my routine, I do have those updates that I will have for you all this weekend.

Sorry that this long update isn’t actually one with something fun or heartwarming to read but because this is a very vulnerable and important part of my life, I wanted to be transparent about how that has impacted my schedule as of late.

If you read all of this and are going through something of your own, please know that it’s never too late to ask for help. Lots of love to all of you dealing with struggles of your own.

It gets better.

Cloud🩵

[call-me-a-simp]

Heal My Wounds

What's the occasion? (part 24)

Rhea Ripley x Reader

Tw: physical and sexual abuse, toxic relationship, selfharm, eating disorder

Summary: You are in a toxic relationship with an abusive man but manage to run away. A tall, black haired woman picks you up from the streets just in time so your ex doesn't get you. But who is she and why does she seem so familiar to you? As you get to know each other you start to notice weird feelings you never had before whenever she's around.

It's almost seven and you're sitting on the couch in Finn's living room, waiting unpatiently for your girlfriend to finally arrive.

As you hear the sound of a car driving and stopping you know it has to be her. You jump up and run to the front door which Finn was about to open.

You push past him and run outside. Rhea just got out of the car and is completely unprepared for you jumping into her arms.

"Oh my God, y/n, baby" she laughs and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek. "What? I missed you! You just left me" you pout and burry your head in the crook of her neck.

"yeah you got a point there, sorry for that" she chuckles. She adjusts you so you're easier for her to carry around. If it were up to you, she could carry you around all day.

"You mentioned a surprise yesterday" you say and raise your head. "Yes, but first we need to get ready" Rhea smirks. "so you won't tell me what it is?" you plead and look at her with puppy eyes.

"Of course not, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore then" she giggles and kisses you. "but I can tell you this much: we're going to a fancy restaurant"

"Uii" you squeal and hug her tight. "wait but then we have to go back to our place. I don't have anything to wear here" you consider.

"Don't worry, we went shopping for you" Dom grins and holds up a big bag.

Rhea carries you inside and upstairs where Dom puts the bag down in a room and walks out, closing the door behind you two.

Rhea sets you down and goes to reveal what they bought. "I hope you like it" she blushes slightly and pulls out a beautiful, red, off shoulder dress.

You don't even know what to say so you just stare at her and the dress. "What do you think?" she grins at your overwhelm. "I- I don't even know what to say.. I- thank you soo much!"

Rhea smiles and mentions for you to get undressed. You do as she says and try on the dress. It fits perfect! "Damn, look at you"

You brightly smile in the mirror admiring yourself. "I don't know what else to say except thank you all over again" "It's okay don't worry" Rhea chuckles.

"Come on, we'll show the boys and then we need to get going" she says and takes your hand to lead you out the door. She opens it and you're greeted by Dom, Finn and Damian, each of them already dressed in their best suits.

"Will you look at this" Finn grins. "You look really damn pretty y/n" Damian smiles and winks at you. "Yup, made the right choice there" Dom states proudly.

"Okay guys, wait for me real quick, I gotta change too" Rhea says and dissappears back inside the room you just came from.

Five minutes later your all seated in a car on the way to your destination. Your girlfriend decided to wear the black dress she also wore to the hall of fame ceremony.

"Are you excited?" Dom asks and looks at you through the rearview mirror. "Gosh Dom you're so bad at hiding your emotions, especially when you're excited" Rhea complains and you laugh.

"Well, if you're all so secretive then there surely has to be a reason why I should be" you chuckle. "Oh if you knew.." Damian whispers, but you still hear him as he was, once again, sitting next to you.

After about a 20 minutes you arrive. You get out in front of a really expensive looking restaurant. It's really nicely decorated from the outside and even prettier from the inside.

"Damn guys what's the occasion?" you ask stunned. "You'll see love, you'll see" Rhea answers and puts an arm around your waist to guide you to the reserved table.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Can I already take orders for your drinks?" a young man I a suit asks, a pen and a notepad in hand, ready to write.

You all order and the longer you're there the more excited you get. But Rhea wouldn't be Rhea if she wouldn't let you wait even longer..

---------------------------------------------------

Part 24, still not including the surprise but I promise it'll be in part 25, I promise!

Taglist:@babybatlover @legit9thlunaticwarrior @thatonepansexual2000 @nox-fire

[teine-mallaichte]

AI Less Whumptober snippets

Snippets and rabbles written for AI-lessWhumptober

Most of these snippets feature OCs from the complex 27 universe, set about 1,000 years in the future, in a world ravaged by a seemingly endless war where living weapons are common.

Links in orange involve characters from On The Run, but from a time before their escape.

Links in purple feature characters from Strained Bonds.

Links in green include a mix of characters from both, as these

Scenes are set before the start of On The Run, meaning all characters are currently at Complex 27.

Links in Pink are using OC's from  Echoes of the Forgotten War, which takes place in a fantasy world where an ancient war has had lingering effects on race relations.

In this world most elves are either in hiding or owned by human nobles; many used as status symbols, slaves or living weapons.

CW include: living wepaon, dehumanisation, warfare, torture, extreme conditioning, graphic injuries, medical whump, eating disorder, non con drugging, emotional whump, slavery, fantasy racism, wounds, wound care, magic whump, whumperless whump.

AI-less Whumptober:

October 1 - Torture Tuesday - public torture/public use, stress position,

October 2 - Whumperless Wednesday - “Don’t move. You’ll be okay.”

October 3 - Trauma Thursday - Survivor’s guilt.

October 4 - Fright/Freaky Friday - non-consensual body modifications

October 5 - Sensory Saturday - migraines.

October 6 - Surprise Sunday

Multiple whumpees, self sacrifice, “I’m the only one who can do this.”

October 7 - Medical Monday

Field medicine, running out of supplies, “Hold on, we’re going to have to improvise.”

October 8 - Torture Tuesday (Potentially NSFW) - Rope burns, gagged, “You’re so much prettier this way.”

October 9 - Whumperless Wednesday - Hypothermia, “You look pretty pale.”

October 10 - Trauma Thursday - Self worth issues.

October 11 - Fright/Freaky Friday - Hallucinations.

October 12 - Sensory Saturday - Isolation.

October 13 - Surprise Sunday - defiance.

October 14 - Medical Monday

Seizures, concussion, “See if you can follow my finger with your eyes.”

October 15 - Torture Tuesday - removing body parts

October 16 - Whumperless Wednesday - Drowning

October 17 - Trauma Thursday

Abandonment, misunderstanding, “Why did I even think you cared?”

October 18 - Fright/Freaky Friday - Mind control.

October 19 - Sensory Saturday

Disassociation, losing a sense, “I wish I could get you back.”

October 20 - Surprise Sunday - “I’m absolutely not qualified for this shit.”

October 21 - Medical Monday - Drugged, “This will make you feel better, okay?”

October 22 - Torture Tuesday - Forced to hurt somebody else.

October 23 - Whumperless Wednesday - passing out.

October 24 - Trauma Thursday - relapse.

October 25 - Fright/Freaky Friday

Humiliation, betrayal, “How could you?!”

October 26 - Sensory Saturday - Electrocution, burning, “This is going to sting.”

October 27 - Surprise Sunday - “Well, there’s a first for everything.”

October 28 - Medical Monday

Internal bleeding, needles and stitches, “I didn’t think the wound was that bad…”

October 29 - Torture Tuesday - Ownership, branding.

October 30 - Whumperless Wednesday - delirium.

October 31 - Trauma Thursday - Panic attack.

Alt prompts:

1) Pistol whipped

2) Co-dependency

 3) Animal bite

4) Zombies

5) White room torture

6) Shock collar

7) Pulling teeth

8) Kidnapping

9) “You always make everything worse!”

10) “If you weren’t around, I’d be long dead by now...”

[rose-riot-johnson]

Can I get a Shinsou comfort fluff( as usual ) with a afab reader with major depressive disorder and an eating disorder ( abusive family had influenced this, the reader is a normal weight but has been gaining weight from medication for their mental illness ). Mentions of the nickname kitten from Shinsou and he calls them his "girlfriend". Please and thank you~!! ( this is entirely self indulgent, as always as I'm struggling hardcore atm)

Ofcourse Aevyn😁👍 And this fanfic as a whole is definitely something I would definitely write about😃👍 And you're very welcome😁👍 Apologies ahead of time for adding the angst genre😅 I figured I'd add "they/them" part, because I wasn't sure if you wanted the "they/them" part, as well😅 Hopefully you enjoy this fanfic😃👍

*Note: This fanfic contains 1 or more long paragraphs😅

🫂 Shinsou Loves Me More Than My Family, Ever Did And Ever Will🫂(Adult Hitoshi Shinsou x afab (assigned female at birth) (They/Them) reader)

Genres: Comfort fluff (or Comfort and Fluff) and Angst (Warning⚠️: Eating Disorder, chubby phobia (pertaining the any of the reader's family members), Mentions of depressive disorder, mentions of throwing up (or puke), language, and abuse from family)

When you first met Hitoshi Shinsou (he was already a pro hero), he was at a book store, as he couldn't help, but notice you at the manga section. When the both of you introduced yourselves to eachother, the both of you immediately bonded somehow, so he decided to exchange cellphone numbers with you. As the both of you got to know eachother, within the matter a weeks you decided to ask him out when it comes to being in a relationship with him, which ofcourse he will say yes to you, because he wants to be in a relationship with you, as well.

While you have told Shinsou that you have a major depressive disorder before getting into a relationship with him, at the same time, despite of your major depressive disorder things, Shinsou thought everything was sunshines and rainbows, at first. However one day, when you decided to spend the night at his place, he notices that whenever he asks you if you wanted to eat the food he offered, you refused it, including chicken nuggets. So, while you were in the bathroom, he decided to check your backpack to see what medicine you were taking. He doesn't usually snoop by any means, however with you refusing food and you not opening up about personal stuff (aside from your major depressive disorder), ofcourse he will be concerned about you.

The next thing that happened was after Shinsou started digging though your personal belongings in your backpack, he discovered some meds in your backpack and not just antidepressants... He also discovered a few bottles of weight loss meds that you bought. He was shocked about the amount of bottles weight loss (pills and/or gummies) you had in your backpack.

Once Shinsou puts all of your personal belongings exactly the way you had all of your stuff back inside of your backpack, he heard you throwing up, so he rushed to the bathroom and luckily the bathroom door was unlocked (otherwise he would have to break the door down). Unfortunately he found you passed out, from throwing up. So, he decided to clean you, before getting you dressed into your pajamas, then carrying you to his bed so you can rest easily.

When you finally regained consciousness, you saw Shinsou across from you as you asked, "What happened? Why am I in my pajamas right now, Shinsou?", as you realized you're no longer in your regular clothes. Shinsou replied, "Well my kitten... I knew something was more going on with you, than what you're telling me, especially about your major depressive disorder... So I did something I really hate doing to other people's personal belongings, which was looking through your backpack... Then I discovered that antidepressants aren't the only meds you were taking...", as he grabbed your backpack, then to dump your personal belongings on his bed (where he had you rest in), as he then continued, "After I put your stuff back exactly where they were in your backpack, I heard you throwing up, I rushed in the bathroom to see, if you were okay... Unfortunately I found you passed out, however you're lucky that you left the door unlocked, otherwise who knows what else could have happened... Care to explain why you're refusing food, taking a bunch of weight loss meds, throwing, and everything else you're going through? I need you to tell me, because I care about you and aside from your major depressive disorder, you haven't opened up to me about anything personal once... Please quit hiding stuff from me, my girlfriend... You're very precious to me..." You were shocked about the fact he told you everything he did and said, as you then had to think on wheather or not you're ready to open up to him.

You then decided to open up to Shinsou, as you know he is right. You then said, "Well Shinsou it's complicated... I know I told you I have a major depressive disorder and I never told you anything else otherwise... However both my major depressive disorder and my eating disorder is because of how my family has treated me and they still don't treat me the greatest... Brother's have called me names since probably before I was in my preteens, especially names, such as fatty and fat ass, even if I was at good weight and it has gotten worse after i gained only a few pounds from my antidepressants that I'm on. Then when I do something that upsets my dad or don't do everything my dad wants, my dad called me names, and/or threatened to disown me and/or threatened me with his cane, you name it... My mom also never wants to hear anything I say nor gives a damn about how I feel, unless it's something she wants to hear or when any of my past relationships went to hell or stuff like that. Because of my witchy mom, a couple my past relationships got ruined! And when she found out I was in a relationship with you, she only keeps getting on my case about you, Shinsou!". Shinsou then asked, "What do you mean, she got on your case about me, when I don't even remember meeting her yet, hun?". You then answered, "Well she keeps saying that you need a "real job", because she believes that "pro hero work isn't a real job" and you should all the coming over and I'm not allowed to be in a relationship with anyone unless makes her and my whole family happy and other bullshit she fucken comes up with. So, the only reason why I spent the night, because I lied to my family and told them that I was going to a family friends house to spend the night... I really wish I wouldn't have to live with my abusive family! If I had my way I would live far away from them as possible, because I couldn't take the stress anymore. I want to get out of this hellhole that I feel, so obligated to deal with when it comes to my family. They are the reason why I'm on antidepressants and weighloss meds... They're the reason why I have a major depressive disorder and eating disorder...", as you then began to sob.

Shinsou then hugged you, as he said, "I'm sorry to hear you've been going through this, my kitten. You never deserve the treatment you have been getting from your family. I get your mom might want to protect you, at the same time, from what I'm understanding, she is too overbearing. So, you're right about your family being abusive. Would you like to live with me, my girlfriend? I can even makesure your family won't know where you live, if that's what you want or if you decide on that.". You then stopped sobbing, as you had to think about making a decision on wheather or not you feel that it would be a good idea to live with him, even without your family knowing it... Then you told Shinsou that you decided to live with him, unbeknownst your family and to also get a restraining order against your entire family, as well.

After you told Shinsou your decision, he decided to cook for you, which he madesure you eat atleast something, because he wants to makesure you don't keep feeling sick from not eating food or lacking food. He tells you that he loves you and that you always will be worthy for love, regardless if you're happy with your body (and/or weight) or not. Shinsou also help you with chores. He also will give you massages and any other form of care you need, plus he will do his best to fulfill your needs. He has shown you more care than anyone ever did, including your abusive family. You knew that living with Shinsou was the best decision you had ever made.

Once you changed your address and managed to file a restraining order that will keep your family away from your abusive family for a super long time, you began to feel like you have more freedom, than you ever had in your entire life, before that night you spent the night at Shinsou's place. You knew you're in better hands, than you ever were. Eversince you started living with Shinsou, your life has been, so much better.

🫂The End🫂

Okay my Tumblr Peeps, I hope you enjoy this fanfic 😃👍And @hitoshislover , I hope you enjoyed this fanfic, as well😁👍With certain parts of this fanfic i did put alot of thought in, in a way🤔 Anyways, I really hope this fanfic makes your day, Aevyn🫂😁👍

[panecitotulipan]

Eating schedules

Miguel O'Hara/reader

Notes:

I am posting little chunks of a story in disorder. The chronological order list here. It will make sense and join dots once it starts to fill, everytime a new chapter comes out I'll actualize that list (works like in Beyond two souls but is a random y/n fic you found on Tumblr).

You may find fluff, touched starved physical interaction, angst, mentions of anxiety and bad health habits in these writings. I also think is important to point out that there will be no NSFW in any part of the story.

English is not my mother language, sorry if a few things sound off. But don't worry about spanish dialogues, i know those are well written.

The reader knows spanish, i have to admit i thought about they as a mexican person.

Gender neutral narrative, so anyone can be comfortable.

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Gif credit

"You may be useful" the Dorito shaped man said. When he offered you to form part of this, declining wasn't an option, who the hell would say no to travel between universes and work with advanced technology? Definitely not a nerd like you.

Casually chatting with the VR avatar girl and exploring the functioning of the machines was undoubtedly helpful to keep yourself busy when there were no missions assigned.

Once in a while the naps on the extravagant and irregular walls of the control room were comfortable, even though the 'boss' waked you up every time yelling in some kind of frustration tone, he was usually upset at everything and everyone.

As you didn't enjoy going out of this laid, the only times other spider people could see you was while buying food at the cafeteria, rather for you or the boss. Since he spent a lot of time in the same spot as you, the constant interaction was not avoidable at all. Even while your talks, everywhere but the floor was a better place to be standing on, which the 2099 unsurprisingly found annoying. A certain memory came to mind: he cut off your spiderweb, made you fly for a second, and then had lunch with you. All that in a period of 30 minutes approximately, hilarious to put it that way. By that time, you must have spent about' a couple of weeks of joining the society.

┄━═━┄

The 2099 was checking anomalies data in that floating and dramatic platform with the funny AI lady. When he called for you.

–Ah, yeah? I'm right here.– You said as you left yourself fall from the ceiling, already with a thin web that would hold you safely once you reached a level a bit higher than 2099's face.

–I know you're here, you're always here. If you're not on the walls you are hidden in a corner of the ceiling. It's certainly annoying.– O'Hara commented with throaty and toneless voice, then he relocated the conversation. –Did you upload the data i asked?–

–First of all. Why do you have so much problem with me being around in this room? I'm literally not bothering anyone, you yourself said I'm hidden.– You cleared your throat and then continued calmly. –And second, yeah I did, just after you ordered me to.– Supposing that was all, another thread of web came out from your free hand, pretending to swing away. But a tight grip surrounded your wrist, stopping you.

–Can't you stay still for a second? Are you a monkey or something?– The boss sounded a bit angry now.

He made a rough movement, snapping the web and provoking your fall. Hopefully O'Hara did it knowing you wouldn't actually get hurt, hopefully. Falling on your feet was not a big deal. Still very rude though.

Turning around on your toes in his direction, mockery was the chosen answer to deal with the situation.

–Not a monkey, I'm pretty sure I am quite literally more spider like.– Now you were messing with him. It wasn't your fault if he had a bad day, you didn't have to handle his cranky behavior every time he was stressed, which was frequent since tones of spider people joined the last two weeks, they have easily triplicated the number.

The 2099 rolled his eyes and tried to ignore you by talking to the AI. After taking a deep breath, his hand brushed his hair back to place.

–¿Ya comiste hoy?– You randomly asked in an annoyed sigh, getting the Dorito's eyes attention. –I've only seen you drink coffee since yesterday.– It was funny because you have proved that the boss got in a little better mood after having something decent to eat.

–No…no lo sé.– He returned his attention at the multiple screens, somehow avoiding your gaze.

–¿Recuerdas cuándo fue la última vez que comiste?– (Do you remember when was the last time you ate?)

–No.– O'Hara responded dryly. This man lacked self preservation when it came to basic health care routines. What a bonehead.

You left silently, and returned after about 15 minutes with two meals, each one on a hand. You were practical, not that much of a talker.

–Pedí algo nuevo, creo que te puede gustar.– (I bought something new, i think you may like it.) You said while raising his food container.

The 2099 didn't even look at you when a glowing thread stuck to the plastic on your raised hand.

–Hey!– You instantly grabbed the web and let your own container fall, hopefully nothing happened to your food. Most of the time you forgot how strong this man actually was, so when he occured to pull the freaking strand you were violently lifted from the ground as well.

The little flying trip to the platform ended abruptly by crashing towards the Dorito's chest. You grabbed his shoulder, trying to put yourself together.

–Dude, what the hell!– You exclaimed with a taut voice. –Say "gracias" at least.–

–Gracias.– O'Hara said with an ironic smirk. Asshole.

An annoyed growl escaped your mouth, and you let go of his shoulder. After jumping back off the platform you checked the fallen food container, still eatable. So lunch time finally started, not leaving the room at all.

The thought of insisting that O'Hara shouldn't eat while working invaded your mind. That was a bad habit too.

–Ahmm, boss. I'll say it once more, you shouldn't eat while working.– You talked in a ringing tone.

–I need to keep on–

–You'll do better if you recover your energy properly. Don't want to imagine you fainting in the middle of a fight due to malnutrition.– He slightly frowned when you interrupted him. Funny.

–If I go with you and have lunch. Will you shut up and let me do my work?–

–Pretty much so…eh, 60% of possibility.– Your hands moved in the air simulating a balance.

–I guess it is better than nothing.– He mumbled. –Find me a chair on the previous room or something, I'm reaching you.–

You smirked in success.

–Sure thing, Dorito.–

He hated that name, but you left before a possible answer. You grabbed a chair and sat on an edge of the table, careful of not throwing any near artifact. After a minute he appeared and started eating, despite of his efforts to not look starved, this man was eating too fast. When he finished his meal you weren't done with yours, so you offered the rest.

–I am not asking if you want. Come más.– (Eat more.) The boss didn't say anything, and with an vague air of shyness he took your plate and ate what was left.

–You honestly sound like a grandma sometimes.– There was his severe voice again.

–Good. Grandmas are the best.– You proudly declared with a grin on your face.

His smirk was slight and discreet, but noticeable enough to catch your eyes. O'Hara seemed to realize the eyeing, even if he didn't say a word. A moment of silence surrounded you both.

As soon as you caught yourself staring, clearing your throat was your immediate reaction.

–I'm glad you gave yourself a quick break. I will insist once in a while for you to take proper eating schedules.–

–As long as you're not too annoying, it's fine.– 2099 took a deep breath, and rubbed his eyes with his fingertips. –You don't have to... pero gracias.– The lasts words were pronounced in a mumble barely perceptible to the ear, but perceptible enough to your ear.

–No hay de qué, jefe.– (It is nothing, boss.)

[reneewalkersbiceps]

recent reads and recommendations:

i’ve been trying to read more recently and kind of get back into a reading flow where i always have a book on the go to read when i can. as a result i have a lot of new recommendations for you all and thought i would share 💋

in order of earliest to latest reads:

her body and other parties - carmen maria machado ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5 stars)

themes/genres - unsettling, horror, fantasy, short stories, contemporary, lgbtq+ (wlw, bisexuality), feminism, experimental

we're starting off strong with one of my new favourite authors, carmen maria machado <3 i fell in love with machado through this book. her beautiful, horrible, astonishing writing made this possibly one of my favourite books ever. i can't say i ever expected to be reading (and adoring) a 60 page list of fever-induced law and order synopses but my god it was incredible. a well-deserved five stars to kick off the list.

human acts - han kang ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5 stars)

themes/genres - south korean history, multiple povs, dark and unsettling (tw for graphic violence and body horror), experimental, contemporary.

this book was beautiful. it takes place during and looking back on the gwangju student uprising of 1980 and uses multiple povs to recount the horrors that occurred during the uprising under the newly instated dictator and martial law. i previously read ‘the vegetarian’ by han kang (another novel i highly recommend) and adored it so picked up human acts to follow up and wow i was not disappointed. it is so poetically beautiful and so haunting, the second pov especially has really stuck with me. a hard read (in terms of content) but a great and necessary one.

things we lost in the fire - mariana enriquez ⭐️⭐️⭐️ (3.5 stars)

themes/genres - short stories, gothic horror, magical realism, latin american literature

i picked this book up after reading enriquez’ ‘the dangers of smoking in bed’ which i loved. i enjoyed this book but i think, comparatively, i enjoyed tdosib a lot more. the book is structured as multiple short stories (mostly) set in argentina from various povs (the same structure as ‘tdosib’). each story is poetic, disturbing and beautiful and enriquez’ writing really highlights a culture i knew little to nothing about previously in such a rich and stunning way. the reason i rated this one a bit lower is simply that i wasn’t as enraptured with ‘twlitf’ as i was with ‘tdosib’ and i found some of the stories less interesting. still a solid read but i would definitely recommend checking out ‘tdosib’ first.

our wives under the sea - julia armfield ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (4 stars)

themes/genres - unsettling/disturbing, lgbtq+ (wlw, bisexuality, lesbian), contemporary, two character pov, gothic, the vast open ocean (tw)

this book is heartbreaking. the sense of tension and dread really creeps up on you in this one as more gets revealed and more past horrors unfold. incredibly poetic and ambiguous, slow to start but the last few parts had me speeding through. watery, foamy, flowing and gorgeous.

milk fed - melissa broder ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5 stars)

themes/genres - mother-daughter relationships, modern judaism, eating disorders (tw), lgbtq+ (wlw) fiction, mental health, identity

i ATE THIS BOOK UP. oh my god. broder so perfectly entangles food, love and sex, obsession and religion and winds metaphors around one another to create a novel that is so weird and yet so normal. it highlights so many societal issues and all the characters are flawed and odd in some way. the main character herself is incredibly problematic at times and somewhat of an unreliable narrator but still very lovable as you can clearly see where her issues stem from and why she is so obsessive. elements of this book really, really spoke to me as a woman who’s had my own issues with food (and mothers and food). a funny, twisted, quite dark and fascinating book that i read in about a day.

in the dream house - carmen maria machado ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5 stars)

themes/genres - memoir, domestic abuse (tw), emotional abuse (tw), lgbtq+ (wlw, bisexuality), feminism, experimental

another cmm beauty. machado really knows how to take an unusual format and make something beautiful out of it. i'd never read a memoir before this and i'm so glad to say this was the first. genuinely like reading a memoir, a poetry anthology, a collection of short stories and a research paper all at once. beautifully done and so heartbreaking.

nightbitch - rachel yoder ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (5 stars)

themes/genres - art and the artist, fantasy/magical realism, feminism, motherhood, transformation, freedom, violence (tw for graphic animal killing), multi-level marketing schemes?

this book is mad. it is literally about a woman turning into a dog. it's brilliant. if you have recently watched barbie and want something slightly more unhinged but still on the topic of feminism and motherhood, this may be for you. i LOVE weird books and this fit me like a glove. made me think about motherhood like i never have before and the transformation throughout the book is crafted beautifully.

the priory of the orange tree - samantha shannon (currently reading)

themes/genres - high fantasy, magic, religion, dragons, lgbtq+ (wlw), romance, violence and death (tw)

i'm about 350 pages in so far guys, she's still a beast but she's a beast i love and i'll update this when i finish. as for now, don't be afraid, she may look hefty but she's WORTH IT.

hope you enjoyed this list, please send me some more recommendations, i shall gladly receive!

(p.s. i have included some trigger warnings but not an extensive list for every book, please be aware that there may be other potential triggers. does the dog die lists triggers for movies, books and tv shows and includes at least some of the books on this list. reader discretion advised!)

[vicvinegarandhughhoney]

for bingo -

Intubation or eating disorder for Dennis

Please please with a cherry on top 🙏

running home, running home, running home- prompt: eating disorder

Post S12. Dennis comes back from North Dakota perfectly fine.

TW ED!!!!

Read here or below the cut

North Dakota was supposed to be a fresh start. It was supposed to give him a chance to make things right, to do things differently this time. To free himself of the baggage of the past and live for a future in which he is a father- one worthy of the title. 

It was supposed to be a fresh start, so why the fuck did he stop eating there?

Things started slowly, of course, the way they always do. He aeroplane-d the spoon into Brian Jr’s mouth and simply forgot that a flight was supposed to touch down in his at some point as well. At restaurants, he ordered sides. Claimed he’d already eaten to keep the concerned looks from Mandy at bay. 

“Are you sure you're not hungry?” she’d ask him, brow furrowed with concern. He ought to have spoken to her about it- she would have understood. 

Instead, he forced a smile and nodded. Lied through his goddamn teeth. 

“I’m full. Don’t worry about me.”

The most pathetic part was that it made him look as though he was selfless, prioritising the nourishment of his child and co-parent while neglecting his own needs, when the truth of the matter was far more ego-centric. He didn't want to eat because he had to be perfect, and to be perfect? To be perfect, he had to be thin. Perhaps he could trick himself into believing that he wanted to be perfect so he could better raise Brian Jr. Hell, maybe there's even some truth in that. 

But only a little. 

By the time he gets on the plane back to Philly, having been gone for a year, everything about him feels wrong. There's a gnawing dread in the pit of his stomach that he initially attributes to missing his kid, but doesn't fade even as he talks to the gang, an interaction that’s genuinely relieving. Nor does it fade when he heads back with Mac to their apartment, settling into his own bed while Mac sprawls out on the couch, snoring like a foghorn. 

He stares up at the ceiling, blinking past the colours flitting into his field of view. The dread widens. Turns into a total uneasiness. 

“Here, take some snacks with you for the flight! You need the energy. I haven't seen you eat in days!”

“Alright… thanks. I’ll call you when I land, yeah?”

He’d thrown the granola bars she gave him into a trash can in the airport. Food was unnecessary. Food was the enemy to perfection. To worthiness. 

The next morning he wakes up with his head swimming, barely even aware he fell asleep in the first place. His lips are chapped and his eyelids feel heavy, like he could drift back off and stay there for weeks. 

As he shuffles out into the kitchen, Mac greets him. There's no way Dennis can ignore the way his roommate has changed in the time he's been gone. Mac’s buff now. 

He looks good- great, even- but that little voice in Dennis’ head sneers every time he looks at him. 

God, he's so big, it's gross. He may as well have stuffed himself full of chimichangas again. 

“Hey, Dennis! You want eggs? I made a bunch of ‘em and there's no way I'm eating them all.” Mac asks between shovelling forkfuls of scrambled eggs into his mouth. 

Dennis swallows queasily. “Uh, no. I’m good.”

“Suit yourself.”

A few years ago, Mac would have volunteered to peel an apple for him. Dennis would have eaten it. It’s the only reason he would have eaten anything at all that day. 

The thought makes him feel even more nauseous, so he pushes it aside immediately. 

“I’m… I’m gonna head to the bar early.”

“Oh, okay. See you there, man.”

Dennis slips into the back office, locks the door, and collapses into the chair there. Even the short walk from the bus stop (stupid assholes blew up his goddamn car) to Paddy’s has left him exhausted. His heart flutters worryingly in his chest. 

With nobody else to keep him awake, and no further reserves of energy to sustain him, he curls up as tightly as he can (God, he’s fucking cold) and falls into an uneasy slumber. 

**

3 weeks post-return, and the ground beneath Dennis’ feet feels unsteady. Literally. He keeps tripping over nothing, arms lurching out for purchase on the nearest object- usually Mac, sometimes Dee or Charlie. They laugh it off, and so does he, but he sees the way Dee’s eyes meet his knowingly. She’s been there before too. 

Mac’s mentioned a few times that Dennis looks thin, and each time it makes him puff out his chest with pride (even if Mac’s concerned look doesn't exactly scream compliment). At least now he doesn't seem bothered with attempting to solve that particular ‘issue’. He’s been a little more aloof since Dennis got back, and almost frightened of the man that he shares an apartment with. When Dennis walks into the living room while Mac is on the couch, the latter jumps like he's seen a ghost. It's probably because he's not used to the company now, and Dennis doesn't even try to make himself more of a presence. 

Instead, he’ll keep shrinking, getting smaller and smaller and thinner and thinner until he's barely visible at all. 

It’ll be like he never even came back from North Dakota in the first place. 

**

A month passes by, and for the rest of the gang, things seem to be getting back to normal. They start cooking up schemes again, schemes which Dennis only half listens to because they're hardly audible over the rush of blood in his head. He stood up too quickly. He's been doing that a lot recently. 

At one point, they end up at a Dave and Buster’s, something which pulls up uncomfortable memories of a time where he was younger and lobster meals weren't purged immediately afterwards. Charlie, Mac, and Frank gorge themselves on steaks while they talk about some plot or other. Dee gets a salad. 

Frank orders Dennis a steak too, but he only manages a few bites before pushing it away. His stomach feels unsettled. 

Dee catches him walking out of the bathroom afterwards, shaky and pale and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Her brows furrow in that way they've grown accustomed to doing lately, and that penetrative look almost makes him regret what he's just done. 

“You don't look well, Den.” She tells him softly. 

He pushes past the lump in his throat and the urge to sink into her waiting arms, instead curling his lip with distaste. 

“You’re one to talk. Leave me the fuck alone.”

She steps back, hurt, then stands a little taller. 

“Get some help. You clearly need it.”

Before he can force his sluggish brain to think of a retort, she’s walking back to the group and leaving him alone outside the bathroom, leaning against the wall for support. 

**

Rome wasn't built in a day, but it sure did burn in one. 

The shooting pains that begin in his back feel like the knives that brought Caesar’s death. His hands start to shake when he's trying to pour shots. He frequently trails off mid-conversation because everything in his brain is focused on survival, only the most basic life-preserving faculties retained. 

On his way back from the bar one day, he knows the fall of his own empire is imminent. Deep breaths no longer keep the spots in his vision at bay, and the gnawing feeling- that dread, yawning in the pit of his stomach- has turned into a constant screaming within. The urge to eat long since departed, but the nausea that replaced it grows to a fever pitch. 

“Hey, you okay?” Mac asks as they traverse the stairs to the apartment. Dennis realises belatedly that he's wheezing, the exact same god awful sound that issued from Mac’s lips when he was fat as shit. 

Is this his fate? To work himself to the bone for perfection and still be doomed to the same existence as a greed-ridden slob?

“M’ fine.” He answers through gritted teeth. Hauls himself up the final few stairs and through the door. 

“Are you sure? Because you kind of sound like you're dying, dude.”

For a moment, a sob threatens to bubble up from the depths of Dennis’ being. 

YES! Something deep inside screams. God, please help me, Mac, please for the love of God you have to fucking help me, I’m- something’s wrong, Mac, something's desperately wrong with me and I need you to-

“L-leave me alone.” He growls, breath whistling. His feet still carry him blindly towards the kitchen counter, somewhere he can lean against and regain some strength. 

Mac sighs. “Yeah… yeah, alright, fine.”

No. No. This isn't how it's supposed to go, Mac, you’re supposed to help me, why aren't you helping me, Mac?

Dennis takes another few steps forward, heart fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings. 

Hummingbirds. He used to do those a lot, keeping himself in motion constantly. Perhaps now he's fully transcended past the need for hummingbirds- he’s becoming one himself. Everything within him is fluttering. 

His heart. 

His nerve. 

His… his eyelids…

He’s…. ohhhh, shiiittt…

“Dennis? Den?!”

His vision fades completely, and his knees buckle, but in the fuzzy darkness that consumes him, he still hears the muffled sounds of quick footsteps on wood, feels the comforting warmth of arms wrapping around his torso before he hits the ground. 

“Shit, shit, you’re okay, Den. I got you, man. You’re alright.”

For the first time in months, he hears himself sob, breathless and exhausted and guttural. Almost animalistic in its desperation to be heard, and yet so weak it probably comes out as no more than a choked whine. 

“Shhh, you’re alright… you’re alright… God, Den, you’re so fucking tiny.” Mac's words are wobbly, spoken through tears as his hand smoothes the hair back from Dennis’ forehead, stroking with all the gentleness that used to exist between them before the rot set in and everything changed. Decayed. I’m here now, though. I’m here now, I promise. I’ll peel you an apple, okay?”

His voice is nigh-on hysterical. 

“I’ll- I’ll peel you an apple, and everything will be okay, right, Den? Everything- everything will be okay.”

Dennis feels himself being lifted upwards, pulled limply into Mac’s arms. His eyes flutter open and the darkness dissipates for just a moment. The sun peeks out from behind the clouds. 

“I’ll peel you an apple, Den. I’ll peel you an apple and it’ll all be okay.”

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #255

I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with me today. Despite having an objectively awesome day today, I seem to have found myself in some kind of funk. I feel generally awful and overwhelmed with worry about a variety of things, most of which I can't talk about with anyone, anywhere, for fear of sounding insane. I haven't had any drive to create anything at all for a number of weeks, too, and it's scaring me.

…Well, that's all right. The only thing for it is to carry it, and the only way out is through. I've got a few more years to wait before I'll be able to see if anything has changed. The passage of time feels unforgivingly slow, and in a few more months, there's not gonna be enough sunlight for me to feel good until next March rolls around. But that's okay. Worse things have happened. It feels heavy now, but it won't feel like this forever.

So I'll just talk about the various things I did today.

The tooth extraction that I was supposed to get next Tuesday has been cancelled because I guess no oral surgeons are going to be in on that day. It has been rescheduled to the first of October, which I guess is cool and all, but… I guess I really kinda wanted to just get it done and over with.

I went with a friend - her name is Bv - to an Italian sandwich place. We were supposed to go to the tea shop next door, but they're closed for the next number of weeks for some reason. But this new place we tried was pretty cool, too. They had flowers in places:

...I thought you might like them.

Here's what I ended up getting:

It's some kind of sandwich with mozzarella, roasted red peppers, and prosciutto. And I guess a salad came with it.

Bv and I talked a long time, and it was really difficult because she wanted to eat outside, and the sound of the cars rushing by made it hard to hear her, and... she's a much older lady, probably somewhere between 60 and 70 years old. If my Auditory Processing Disorder gets in the way of me understanding her, the most likely scenario is that she's going to assume that I'm either being deliberately disrespectful or that I am not paying enough attention. So I focused really hard, and it was really difficult, but I think I managed for the most part.

Bv has a friend with trauma, but this friend of hers isn't exactly handling it well. I guess Bv is going to try to put her friend in touch with me to see if I can help somehow. If I'm contacted, surely I'm gonna try. But... I'm half expecting that it's not going to work out. In order for any of what I can say to this person to be useful to them at all, they'd first need a relatively flexible mind and a willingness to try new things. In my limited experience, it's difficult for most people to maintain those kinds of traits. From what I've seen, people generally want quick fixes for their problems that make everything better in a jiffy. People wanna get better, but without actually changing anything about themselves, their environment, or the mindset they carry.

Put in Dead Cells terms, most people wanna just be able to play on 5 Boss Cells and not get hit, but without needing to put in the practice to get there. And I get why - it's not because people are bad or lazy or whatever; no that's not it at all. Rather, they're just too tired to be able to sustain effort that isn't going to produce instantaneous results. It's not a moral failure as much as it is reflective of a profound state of total exhaustion on their part.

I get into states like that, too. It's because I'm human. I am by absolutely no means perfect.

...Regardless, I have to try. If there's even the smallest chance I might be able to help, I gotta.

After I got home, J was at a flying lesson. So I played Dead Cells. But I was feeling tired and weird, so I didn't do very well. I never made it past the Prison Depths. I kept getting easily frustrated with myself, so I figured the thing to do is stop. So that's what I did.

And now I'm here, writing to you. But I think I'm gonna call it here, because I've got work tomorrow and I have to rest, and if I keep going, I'm going to ramble.

Sephiroth... don't die out there, okay? Don't do anything that will lead to whatever you're made of disappearing. Please.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine