#but it wasnt meant to be and we all have to start accepting that fact

[eminentzayn]

grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. where there is great grief, there is great love.

[raspberryjellybrains]

now how the fuck am I gonna get all of the gifted kid issues and none of the perks. I just get to second guess myself at every turn and feel either way over- or way under-qualified for every single thing ever. meanwhile all the adults in my life are telling me that I am going to singlehandedly live out all of their dreams and fix all of their problems and my peers tell me I'm not special and am, in fact, a freak and a loser. with none of the academic support! how does this even HAPPEN-

[wonjuii]

Hi, I do think exposing is childish but... I want to warn people. Ever since, like around 2024, august? I was invited to a groupchat, filled with people who posts on tumblr! some were ppl i didnt know about. And.. there is marie. I thought marie was a sweet person at first, didnt talk to her since i didnt know her that much. ever since the month grew, there's a chaos drama about dodo. (i am not bringing it up that much but it will be some information direct to that chaos)

it was around... october? I dont know but lets forget that! past 3 days, marie was being too dramatic, calling me and @awwriri sensitive. (just to tell you that, I can reclaim the slurs since i took an irl test but idk if its a thing since the doctor said "it was to check if i have autism" but it was positive i guess!) It was during the lil-liaa chaos. I didnt want to say the r slur to her but i ended up saying it since there were alot of things happening. As you can tell, i asked permission to say the slur, I was worried if i am really meant to say the slur in the gc. (please anyone dont get uncomfortable!) all of the sudden, she called me insensitive..? I didn't know asking permission is considered impolite or insensitve.. we all had a small talk with marie. everything went a little okay (I assumed.) there are evidences of our small talk.

I apologised... many times. MANY TIMES. "don't be sorry" i will have to be sorry because you bashed on me and riri bc of the slur now the whole server bc of dodo?? U can't be that serious. I also mentioned that everyone deserve to be forgiven! guess marie cant accept that. I thought riri was the owner of the gc, of course i had to ask her permission but no. she wasnt the owner. i was dumb enough to not check who's really the admin of the gc. When we had a small conversation about slurs, she mentioned she cant reclaim the N WORD bc others used it?... Although she used it when she just said it TWICE. (ITS NOT A RACISM SLUR, SHES AFRICAN)

i was just trying to make a conversation, setting up a new type of topic since i got really annoyed and uncomfortable, talking about slurs. But, she continued, wouldnt even stop ending the conversation about it. I even try to convince her to bring riri back to the gc since we all wanted to see how she is.

.... okay. do u like.. hate riri or something? The fact she argued with riri, MAYBE ALMOST EVERY WEEK. MAYBE EVERY DAY. its just disgusting how shes treating the others like shes the oldest of the gc. (she tried to boss me, telling me not to say the slurs bc im insensitve) just so you know, vivi educated me more about slurs so i am not going to say it. (thank you vivi)

The text may not be necessary, but can't you tell how bad she is? if your assuming its bc her education system or shes young, i was 13, i rarely got into fights. (like twice a year.) most likely, she's to cause tons of fights. my screenshots:

(Please press to read, it might be hard for you to see!)

This is a dodo situation. you may not know why dodo didn't explain why she didn't say anything or mention her reason about ignoring to chei. here it is.

basically, she was moody (mood swings i think) I understood dodo, i have frustration issues so i get really annoyed like almost everyday. just to clarify, were not bashing on chei, this is just to show evidence about marie and things she said! more evidence when she started being rude to me... (i didnt clip that part but others may have seen it, she said something like "no, i dont want to ❤️" something like that)

shes basically thinking we dont care...

(im at the corner at the top, replying to her.) You can tell i apologised to her like many times. shes basically saying dodo doesnt deserve to defend herself because shes a bully..? do you realize what ur doing. its childish.

evidence from dodo about marie talking about dodo in her post!

i cant. this is just annoying me so bad. why is she only asking me to block her ??? im so confused. (AGAIN, please press these evidences to read!)

wow.. i just dont get whats her problem with dodo, me and riri atp?..

sigh. marie tsk tsk.. i just cant believe this. i assumed she was going to expose me but i guess not?.... also another information.. me and vini were just trying to calm her down but she started bashing on her too.

Thank you to anyone to might be reading this. Again, exposing seems childish but its the best way to do it. its for others to be warned, incase! tags : @y-unrei @n-americano @i-mmaculatus @sugarish

@miujo @i-kyujin @aestradairio @awwriri @atsubie

@aeraras @rkivefr @daddldee @p-oisn @kissunoo

@florescita @fairytopea @purinkiss @hourlyhoon

@lvioung @obdosant @tzulipss @j-eongs @yeritos

@yonkiibums @hcvenue @bitchey @babyvoxgirlie

@swhore @bloomqi @kiyeuo @chaeryeos @y-vna

@y-urios @aestradairio @aesverse

god all of that tags is MAD!!!

[serv0z]

Why cant I stay a child forever and - ? My birthday is in 8 days so.. you know what that means !! Yearly redraw!! Older versions under cut + explanation

01/05/25 vs 01/13/24 vs 01/09/23 vs 10/13/22 So I had made the first one as a sort of. vent at the time. There was a lot of stress on me that year and my mom had told me that by 18 I was going to get a job. The problem was my mental health was so far in the dumps im sure satan even saw it. I couldnt imagine handling it and ontop of that I never imagined myself living to even be 18. So I spent a good portion of the year anxious and by the end of it I made the first one. By 2023 I had to face the fact that I was 18 now. I was just a few days away from being 18 and that scared me. It was intimidating. Where the first one was me realizing and freezing up, the 2nd was me facing it. It was much closer now and I wanted to capture the feeling of everything crumbling mentally. I still wasnt in a good place. (I didnt end up getting a job.) By 2024 I was already super fucking tired and anxious. My mental health was getting better, sure, but my physical health was not. (Doesnt help i ended up hospitalized near the end of 2023 for internal bleeding) I hadnt even started medication till the end of 2024 for my depression and adhd and shit. Im still facing health problems and have to start therapy but. 2024 wa also when everyone was pushing and pulling me to do something I was not able to handle. I had my therapist and psychiatrist pushing me to go back to school and get my GED (i dropped out bc my mental health was so bad and online schooling was making it worse. I also kept getting into fights w my mom bc of my grades and it. wasnt good.) and then my psychiatrist and so many adults i had seen or talked to trying to push me to get a job (I dont have a car. Ubers are expensive. We are poor and have almost been kicked out several times for not making rent. I cannot physically handle walking for longer than 15 minutes or standing too. If I sit for too long my knees are in so much pain I cant stand i have to stretch them out for at least 5 minutes. Only jobs near me are ones that require physical labor.) And of course. My own anxiety and wanting to help financially but having no real way of doing it.

I was, and still am incapable. All I could do was watch. Things still felt like they were crumbling and breaking and my ability to hold it all together was fracturing and I didnt know what to do with myself. I still dont. I didnt expect to live past 18 and now im 19? What am i meant to do now? I cant picture what i want or should be doing in life. Its all just blank I felt and feel lost.

By this year so far, though, I've come to accept that I cant control everything. Im cracked and a mess and everything around me is holding on by a single wooden beam but I cant control it. Time will go on with or without my permission. I cant just hit a pause button my life, on time. It'll keep moving no matter what and I'm coming to accept that fact. I just have to move with the current, I cant stand still or I'll drown in it and freak out and. yk. Things dont feel so horrible anymore. Maybe this year I'll finally figure out what I want to do, who I want to be or who i AM. Even if I'm anxious I cant stop it all. The world doesnt revolve around me. Anyways that was a lot. Thats been my thought process throughout each version and the reasoning and context behind it. You can also see my art improve which is a fun little thing. Things are both overwhelmingly intimidating yet also calm. I have a printer now, maybe I can finally open a print shop and help with money that way + commissions. I have a plan and that's what matters.

[davekat-sucks]

ik everyone in homestuck is related at the end of the day but im surprised it wasnt UNTIL NOW people are starting to realize that the prospit family + peixes are related despite the fact it was one of the most obvious ties between two families or i guess one big one. not to mention the comic does frequently bring up their relationship like constantly calling the condesce a mother/grandmother/great grandmother to the prospits. even after killing the condesce karkat gets mad because he has to accept john as his supposed new ruler now because he is meant to be (one of) her heir(s).

its so interesting too like the main character and his family are related to one of the most relevant and super cool influential antagonists in the entire story and a lot of the symbolic ties between them. and then the fandom for some god damn reason didnt realize they are related until now or you have another side that still doesnt wanna acknowledge it just to defend some shipping that isnt even canon. i hate the absolute missed and untapped potential a lot of the fandom missed out on. yes there is some old content depicting the fam at times but its just not enough especially for characters just that major and big.

even the handmaid and doc scratch have more family content and fanart over the years and people care about that ancestor less than the condesce. was also gonna bring up dolorosa and signless too but the reason for that could be as you said karkat replaced john as the homestuck poster boy and kanaya is one of the poster girls and they are paired with two of the strilondes so people would focus on their ancestors more.

Doesn't help in the base webcomic themselves, said Egbert/Harley/Crocker/English barely get to have a deeper connection with some of the fuchsiabloods like Feferi or Meenah. It seems like there was going to be something big between Jade and Feferi, even after said troll died. But nothing came of it. John did meet with Meenah in Act 6, but they don't do anything that big together as it was Vriska leading the way. Then, of course, there's the missed opportunity with Fefetaspritetalking with Jane. Closest we get is Jake beating the shit out of Meenah. I'm not sure if it even crossed his mind that he is beating up someone who is his stepmother and in her current self as Meenah, she would be like his sister or cousin. Even now in HS2/Beyond Canon, Fefpetasprite is there, but she is reduced to never saying actual words and not confronting with Jane Crocker in the Candy Timeline. Neither Meenah or Jane, or Jake acknowledge the other side as their sister/brother or cousin due to both having strong ties with The Condesce. Not even Tavvy realizes that his aunt and mother are fighting. Ah, but you forget that Karkat gave up following the Signless of being a leader. So he is not part of the Vantas family with The Sufferer or Kankri anymore. All Karkat needs in his life is his boyfriend Dave. Nobody else.

[mamadarama]

Omg previous ask back here I am so glad to hear your thoughts and your perspective was really nice!! :D

I do understand that it's meant to be frustrating as part of his character I just didn't know if it was lazy writing or character loyalty HELP cuz I can't tell sometimes

I do also wish his development turns positive because out of everyone in the cast I'd argue he deserves a bad ending the LEAST. Compared to what others have done, Madara is kinda,, tame. Not at all I mean if you compare vigilante justice and resorting to violence to protect your loved ones compared to say,,, martyring 5 students to the point of severe mental damage and indirectly causing mass suicide in your school, Madara's sins (at least, his known ones) are a drop in the bucket even if we estimate indirect casualties.

He's a guy that does bad and damages himself but never once did I at least perceive his actions to be malicious. If anything, I liked him for the fact that he does what he does to be better for others, and that singular thing will always resonate in my heart. I'd pull my hair out and bash my head against the wall if I had to summarize his character because he just ISN'T SIMPLE. I once tried to explain his lore to my sister and I ended up sending her a voice mail that was EIGHT MINUTES LONG and I talk fast.

Ahem anyways yes I do hope they don't bash his character story like whatever the fuck they did with other characters (coughs) (looks at the horror that is matrix) (coughs)

Also I forgot to sign off cuz I was in the middle of my shift but that was me ( @umiedibles ) wow madayumenon talking about Madara fork in the kitchen anyways have a good one I love your whiteboard posts :33 virtual milk and cookie for you 🥛🍪

tbh writing that made me realize id be disappointed if he ends up with anything more than a bittersweet resolution . a true positive everything turns out alright ending wouldnt be as impactful or very "madara". to me at least. after everything hes gone through the best way for his story to end imo would be to have him try and pull off a massive cataclysmic self destructive stunt, have his friends save him from himself (ideally kanata), and after its all over and his armor has been smashed to dust , finally learn to accept that things will never be the same again and thats okay. he still hates himself, he never reconciles with his family , but he stops actively trying to alienate people and starts exercising benefit of the doubt when it comes to other peoples opinions of him ("i dont know what you see in me but thank you regardless" instead of his current "liking me is a mistake on your part and im sorry for you") and that is the biggest piece of character development he could possibly have: accepting life as it is, no matter how unfair it happens to be

as for power scaling the sins of characters..... its unfair to say any of them are worse than any other. ive talked about this before but eichi, although bitter, was well intentioned. it tears him up inside to this day even. tsumugi was naïve. keito got lost in his own fantasies after obtaining a position of power. madara was provoked . and no one in the war got out unscathed. the only real dickbags in enstars are gatekeeper godfather priest etc

also matrix wasnt that bad . rinne is just rinne.

[creature-crow]

If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to take you up on your offer of hrt advice. I don’t really know where to start and I’d appreciate any help

yes of course!! i would love to help. Admittedly i don't have much advice to offer if you live in area that makes it more difficult to obtain it, since i was able to get mine pretty easily from an informed consent clinic. Ideally you'll also have one near enough you that you can go to. They're the simplest because you won't need any kind of support letter, you just have to listen to the effects and side effects of hrt and consent to it!

Someone has gone ahead and compiled a list of informed consent clinics, you can see if theres one near you : )

(primarily usa, i wouldn't know much about anything outside that myself srry)

For me, my clinic was very supportive. They simply told me what to expect and asked me what i was looking for results-wise and we went from there. If yours is unfortunately less so then don't be afraid to be assertive. Be clear on what you want out of hrt and that you accept the risks.

If you need info on hrt then here looks like a p good comprehensive starting point

I also searched around a lot on trans subreddits for other trans ppls experiences and recommendations. There's a lot of variability in how hrt can affect you so it's good to hear from other trans folks!

As for my personal experience starting hrt, i called my clinic and asked to set up an appointment for hrt care. This was a simple phone appt where they gave me the information on hrt and i reiterated my desire to go on it. I was prescribed hrt right away, but i had to also set up an appt. for a blood lab; you need to get a baseline of your levels before starting. Then you'll get another blood lab after three months, and depending on if it looks consistent it'll go to after six months then every year.

As for the actual prescription, i just started on a low dose of oral estrogen and spironolactone for my antiandrogen. They might prescribe the estrogen as oral but you can also take it sublingual, in fact that's what my prescriver encouraged. You can also look into other antiandrogens if you want, otherwise yeah spiro is the common one prescribed.

And I will say, if you do get on hrt, make sure to be aware of what levels you need/want to hit, and check for yourself what your levels are at when you get your test results. I wasnt quite hitting the right levels at first but i was nervous to say anything. but that meant i was on too low a dose at first, and nobody said anything ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

now im on a higher spiro dose and my t levels are actually reduced to the right level. So! advocate for yourself always. And if you want to change to say patches or gel or shots, set up another appointment to ask for it. Some doctors might have certain gripes against one form or another but it's your choice and you should be firm with it.

and if where you live there aren't any good clinics/hrt is gatekept, don't be afraid to look into diyhrt! Just be sure to check your local laws on it, and read up on what medical risks to keep an eye out for! there are some good resources online, but again im not the best resource for that.

I hope this helps! Feel free to message me if need any more info or help : ) and if anyone else has more info, esp with regards to working with clinics that aren't informed consent, please feel free to chime in!

we all gotta help each other <3

[sexysilverstrider]

reading the japanese and english takukamu S supports im just getting really emotional over the japanese version

when i reread the official english version, i realize they kinda water down how takumi really felt. that explains why i got REALLY emotional reading the japanese version. some of the changes were:

english: there is something else I wanted to talk about… japanese: will you listen to my request?

while this doesnt seem much, the eng version makes takumi sound calmer while jpn version makes him sound nervous. it was a bit odd when takumi says request but then

english: So…does this change anything? About your feelings toward us, I mean. japanese: Hey. Earlier... you said you would listen to my request. So, will you... forgive me for this?

apparently after confessing his feelings n telling the truth, jpn takumi clearly felt disgusted and horrified that he has romantic feelings for someone he was supposed to call sister. eng takumi once again makes him feel calmer and chill as if he had enough time to think and ponder--almost as if the big truth wasnt all that much--while jpn takumi is implied to have rued and suffered through his feelings, fearing that kamui will hate or be disgusted with him. after alls said and done, all takumi ever wanted was for kamui to accept him even if she doesnt love him

english: Avatar: When you said that you liked me, my heart started racing. But I didn't want it to show because I didn't know about Father. Everything is so confusing. Takumi: That's right. But in a confusing world, we must cling to the few fragments of truth we share. And the truth is that I love you, Avatar, and you love me. Let's build a future on that. Avatar: Y-yes. I think you're right. Let's give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen? japanese: Kamui: When you said that you liked me earlier, I was really happy. Because we're siblings, I've avoided saying such a thing... Takumi: Kamui-neesan... Kamui: ... But you came straight out and said you liked me. You showed me that it was okay to love you. Thank you, Takumi. I also want to stay by your side... Takumi: Nee-san...!! For you to have the same feelings as me, I've never been this happy in my life. So... I'll give you this ring. ... I'll protect you with my whole life. Kamui: ... I'm so happy, Takumi! From now on, please take care of me! Takumi: Okay...!

once again this ending!!!! while i do like the eng version the fact that it feels......less emotional than the japanese one. yes takumi is more assured of his feelings now that its reciprocated. i hate that the english version doesnt wanna highlight the 'i cant romantically love you coz i thought we were siblings' like cowards. apply the brocon/siscon themes in this game as its supposed to be. but yeah i still do appreciate takumi being more confident and kamui still being hesitant but they both embraced their feelings nicely

but the japanese one

oooohhh OOOHHH kamui straight up saying she loves takumi too but didnt act out coz she thought they were related. takumi preparing A RING eventho he was 70% sure she wont love him the same way. takumi saying he will protect her with his own life which brings the whole conquest story 10x more painful.

english: If you were aiming for my heart, you've struck true. This was meant to be…

cheesy cute S support dialogue. 10/10. adorable. the last sentence is my otp tag for them after all

japanese: Thank you, sister. I'm so very happy. No matter what people think...these feelings won't change. I love you.

HEARTBREAKING HONEST S SUPPORT. 12/10 MAKING ME CRY. LOVE THAT HE PROMISES NO MATTER WHAT HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER. GOOD GOD

and my personal favourite difference of them all?

english: I'm sorry. I struggled with whether or not to tell you any of this. After all, now that you know, we can never go back to being siblings. But I couldn't simply pretend to be your brother for the rest of my life. Especially not with the way I felt about you. It is shameful, I know.

again takumi is being calm and somewhat professional. he knows its weird and tbfh i hate that the localization want to highlight how weird it is. we get it i know. but they make takumi level-headed which when i think back is kind of off for him but i appreciate the maturity of his behaviour here

japanese: I'm sorry... Nee-san. I was really at a loss as to whether I should tell you this or not. Now that I have, we can't go back to being siblings. But I... couldn't have beared living my whole life acting as your brother. I would have rather died...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK OHHH MY GOOOOD FUCK FUCK FUCK AAAAAAAAAA!!!! i can hear his pain. his sorrow. his guilt. there is no voice acting in the supports but i can HEAR takumis emotions. the very fact that he loves her so so much and he cant bear pretending to be her brother anymore. the very fact that seeing kamui with another man might n will kill him. the very fact that he would rather die than pretending to be someone hes not. this is what im eating. this is what ive been robbed. this very line made me cry THE SECOND I READ IT im about to cry now!!! that very last line is just a big Fuck You to his fate in conquest GOD AAAAAAAAAA

[swugarbunny]

HOW TO BECOME YOUR BEST VERSION IN 2024

5 things you need to start doing to become your best version

Healthy Diet

Being healthy is one of the most important things in someones life. Having good health expands the range of things you can do, even in your day to day life. A few things you should be doing to stay health is having a good diet, exercising, and getting good rest. All of these are equally important and work together to have a happy and healthy body! When I say having a good diet, that absolutely does not mean have a exaggerated calorie deficit and under-eating. A healthy diet is one where you should be consuming 1600 calories at the least and 2000 to just maintain the weight youre at. But there is more to a diet then just calories. You should be eating carbs, protein, carbohydrates, fats, and vitamins. When people tell you to stay away from fruits because of the sugar dont! Those are natural and healthy sugars that are MEANT to be in your diet. All of those health tips you see about cutting out natural foods are total myths. The only things you should be cutting out are processed and unnatural foods instead of cutting out the healthy natural ones. We are meant to be eating what is naturally native to the earth. A healthy diet will truly consist all of your food groups (link to article on what you should eat). Another thing that needs to be in your diet is WATER. Water is so important for your body. It brings nutrients to your cells, gets rid of waste, brings protection to your joints and organs, and maintains body temperature. Its overall super beneficial and great for you! Please make sure the have THREE meals a day and each of them being balanced meals with your food groups in them. If wanted I can go into more depth and provide you with meal ideas!

2. Exercise

Guys I know it's hard to start a workout journey, but once you get it going YOU WILL BE ADDICTED! Exercising is amazing for your body and seeing results is one of the most satisfying thing, seeing the work youve done pay off. Research has shown that working out can improve your brain health and mental health. It's not just good for you physically, but mentally too! Of course it has its incredible physical effects like changing your physique, but it also reduces risk of disease, strengthens your bones, and increases your life span. Us as humans absolutely need to workout because of the fact that our species has evolved and we dont do physical labor like we used to do many many years ago. We have to get our physical exercise one way or another right? If you would like workout routine suggestions, workout channels, and workout videos just say so!

3. Set Goals

If you dont have any goals then what are we trying to accomplish!? of course becoming a better version of yourself is a goal, but you need to come up with goals for YOURSELF!! of course everyone wants to be a better person, but everybody has something personal to themselves that maybe they want to accomplish. no matter how big or how small or how accepting people in your life like your parents or friends might be of it, if its important to you then go for it. I dont just want you setting goals that you think you can reach, i want you setting goals that you might think are impossible right now, but once you reach them youll see that it wasnt as impossible as it seemed. pushing yourself to do more then what you think you can do instead of just going for what you know you can do will truly test your limits and see your true capabilities. take time to discover your strengths. I believe that goals are essential in life to really know what you want to achieve. with that being said it is definitely an important part of becoming your best version.

4. Surround Yourself with Good People

I know some of us definitely know or are even friends with some people who probably arent the best for all of us and our lives. the best solution to this is cut them off. I dont care if you think its mean or you think they are good people, i need you to really think about it and ask yourself these questions: are they a good influence, are they smart, and if theyre my friend how are they benefitting me? once you have your answer you need to determine if theyre worth keeping in your life. from a first person experience, the group of people your friends with directly influences your choices and your personality. not only have i experienced it, but ive watched people over the years change because of the groups of people they started hanging out with. having a good group of people in your life and good influences is one of the most important things for your mental health as those are the people you see probably almost everyday. the best way to find your group of people, is to be yourself. you probably hear be yourself in cheesy movies, but its true. you need to be your true self to find people that actually like you. one of the only ways to make friends is through common interests, hobbies, and experiences. so in other words being yourself will get you true friends that are good for you and fit you. so becoming a better person doesnt just rely on how you are, but how the people you choose to be in your life influence you.

5. Confidence

being confident is often mistaken for being arrogant or egotistical, but its just having love for yourself and being aware that youre amazing! confidence is more important then some of us think. it makes us more successful, improves our mental health, and just makes us happier. confidence in everything we do gives us greater motivation and helps us believe in ourselves more ( relating back to the goals! these are all connected ) in every thing you do in your daily life. confidence helps each and everyone of else make decisions for ourselves and saying no to engaging in risky behavior and activities ( OMG CIRCLING BACK TO FRIENDS TOO??). being confident is simply one of the most important things to have as it literally affects everything we do every day in our lives. always stay confident in yourself in every single way, from your decisions to your looks.

i hope you all can benefit for the five things that will improve you as a person in 2024 !!! if anybody has a suggestion for more posts , workout channels , and anything you may want to see in the future feel free to dm me !!!

[airic-fenn]

Only If You Think I Am.

Sometimes I remember the temp employee at my old high school job who offered to buy me lunch since I forgot my wallet, and then asked immediately after we sat down if I was mixed. I mean, he was right, but it was a very uncomfortable first question to be asked by a complete stranger.

But it was also one of the many instances that gets me thinking about how weird it is to be mixed race and also racially ambiguous.

Whether or not I’m perceived as a person of color depends entirely upon who is doing the perceiving, and even when and where in the world they’re doing it. Am I in the southern US, or Colorado? Am I in Europe? Is it summertime and I’ve developed a tan, or is it the dead of winter?

Some people dont bat an eye, other people look at me curiously, knowing I am something but they’re just not quite sure what.

One curious man jumped to the proud assumption I must be Turkish, instead of letting me finish explaining that my mom was only born there because her dad was stationed there once.

In France at New Years, my penpal’s friend made a joke about slavery, then laughed and assumed that if I was offended, its because I’m White.

And all of my experiences like these leave me wondering, where do I put myself?

A friend once admitted to me that in middle school when we were covering slavery in class, he had watched me closely to see my reactions to it, because at the time I was just about the most diverse that school got.

The funny part is back then I was barely aware of being mixed race, other than that my Opa is Black. I was just me, and that was just how my family was.

I didn’t really have Black friends growing up (re: very un-diverse schools and neighborhood). Though, my mom would tell stories about how as a kid, she’d get teased and called an “oreo cookie” and blatant questions from her cousins like “what are you?” She’d mention how she would code switch with them, and try to act extra Black with them because otherwise she wasnt Black enough.

But she didn’t talk about race, or how any of it might apply to me. She stuck with the facts: I was mixed. And that was it.

And so I grew up with little understanding of what that meant until I reached high school. I was sheltered, oblivious, surrounded almost entirely by Whiteness and barely aware that people might, sometimes, treat me differently.

That temp worker back at that job of mine was the first time I had considered that people might.

But because I am caught in this limbo, I will never know for sure. Unless they say it out loud, I am left to wonder whether someone is just being angry and rude, or if they’re pulling a racism.

Generally, I give the benefit of the doubt. And why shouldn’t I, when I often barely know for sure how to perceive myself? I’m just me.

Race feels like a concept thrust upon me. Am I

☑️ White/Caucasian?

Or

☑️ Black/African American?

If I’m given the option, I’ll fill in “Other.” But I’m rarely given the option to fill in both.

The problem with being asked to respond with one or the other is that singularly neither feels right. I’d be lying.

I know a lot of mixed folks identify with being Black. I’m not sure I can no, I’m not sure I’m allowed to, even if I probably, maybe could. Because I get caught up in my own questions and fears of “am I Black enough?”

“What even makes someone Black?”

“Sure, the color of your skin, but its also a culture, its experiences.”

“But isnt it reductive to reduce a person’s identity down to whether they’ve been marginalized?”

“Even if I identified as Black, wouldnt that be perpetuating old racist concepts like the one drop rule?” (And if I think long and hard enough about that, I inevitably fall down the rabbit hole and start thinking about how if I couldn’t or wouldn’t consider myself indigenous despite my great-grandmother, why is it acceptable to identify as Black? Even though, technically, I understand the messed up history of why of both).

I’m never able to answer these questions.

But at the same time, identifying as White would feel like I’m rejecting an entire side of myself. Like I’m trying to hide my Opa.

So, I make myself stop thinking about it for a while, and settle back down on just being “mixed.” Its an answer no one can deny, or tell me that I’m wrong.

And as a result, I find myself approaching prying questions or opportunities reserved for BIPOC folks with varying levels of confidence.

“Do you identify as Black, Indigenous, or other Person of Color?”

Yes. Sometimes. Maybe?

Only if you think I am.

[emotionalteaspoon22]

I was awake yesterday morning at 6:30 thinking about Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn.

Can we just..... accept and understand the fact that just because something deteriorated, that doesn't mean it was never good?!!?! I hate seeing people say "joever", and "I'm seeing glimpses of pre-2016 Taylor".

First of all.... pre-2016 Taylor was going through some really difficult things and wasnt in a great place. She has been so open about that. And in 2016, she and Joe found something in each other that made everything better and they were what each other needed. As far as we know, based on her songs. Maybe Joe wasn't MAKING her hide herself away. Clearly she needed to take a step back. Are we disregarding all the lyrics in Call It What You Want??? Maybe Taylor needed someone to kinda shelter and heal with, and maybe Joe needed that too.

And times change and people change. People still thought Taylor was a joke when she released Lover. And covid kept everyone isolated. So yeah not much of a change from their own isolation right before Reputation. But then Taylor releases folklore and evermore and she keeps writing and she needs to get herself back out there. And Joe's career isn't going the way he wants it maybe. And seeing her go beyond their bubble makes him nervous. And I'm not saying he was justified in trying to hold her back (if that's what was even happening), but maybe he was starting to pull away from her. And she was trying to hold on to their relationship and it just wasn't working. Because they aren't on the same page anymore. Maisie Peters said in There It Goes: "The way I loved you, I will not be embarrassed of that, just should've known when to quit." And "The love we had was covered in snow, I had to let it go. The love we had was eating me whole, I had to send it home." JUST BECAUSE SOMETBING DOESNT LAST DOESNT MEAN IT WAS NEVER GOOD.

And guess what? We don't freaking know Taylor. Maybe SHE had more fault in all of it than we know. What I think is that it was probably a little bit of both of them. I'm sure it wasn't all Joe and his own issues.

Everyone shows the good parts. Why do you want to air out all the bad things your partner is doing while you're with them? My husband and I don't fight much at all, but I'm pregnant, have bad anxiety, and we're moving and we're stressed and we got into an argument on Sunday. But we calmed down and talked it out and we're fine. Everyone is human and sometimes we just lose sight of the bigger picture and let little things bother us. It's when you don't address those little things and let them become big things that it gets harder to fix. And maybe that's what happened with Joe and Taylor. Maybe it's Joe's fault, maybe it's Taylor's fault, it's probably both of their faults. OR..... it's no one's fault. Maybe they were meant to be there for each other for those years to help each other through those times in their lives. And when their time was up, it was just up.

So can we PLEASE stop acting like Joe Alwyn is all of a sudden the devil when we literally have no idea what went on in their personal lives. And can we please stop treating a clearly healing and healthy time in Taylor's life like it doesnt matter now and must have been miserable just because that relationship ended. It's very annoying.

[cowchickenbeefpork]

( not trying to start drama, i don't have anything against you i like your artwork on the two i just severely disargee and want to voice why, i dont wanna start drama i just want to explain my thoughts)

no???? we see edward be an unreliable narrator multiple times in the story ( his most popular and infamous being one where he lies to himself and a ghost of oswald) so why as an audience member am I supposed to believe him when he says he got over it when he cried to the point of dissociation right after he realized she was dead???? i know Gotham has shitty writing all the time but this isn't the last time we see him show gulit for what he did to Kristen, the isabella arc shows him having gulit over Kristen multiple times in that episode. this is how he is characterized, the show kinda leads us into thinking hes lying on how much it affects him. someone who got over her in a day does not do this, it reads way more like npd/bpd splitting instead of just using and disregarding. also the whole dissiocation thing gotham does can be read as pyschosis its pretty easy to do that to the point 99% sure the writers didnt know the difference. ( also his whole bond with oswald implies what he says about kristen is a cope, no? he said love was not for people like them but during season two and season three he does sacfrice alot for oswald, he could've recieved oswald's affections by just waiting for these problems to be done but he went over the moon for him, edward is a liar through and through)

im not going to sit here and act like he wasnt being selfish, he was but it wasn't intentionally malicous. him killing kristen wasn't the worst action he did here, the worst action was him finding a way to rewrite what transpired in a way to make him believe it was always going to happen, like he isn't at any falut and did nothing wrong, he did see her as human and not a fantasy atfer he killed her, but he made himself forget that in order to feel better. the death made him be confronted by the fact that she didnt only exist just to meant him feel good or become a grand person, he denies this reality since if he wants to keep his ideal ego then he has to find some way to justify this and so he says it was just fate, meant to happen. edward cannot accept being in the wrong because of his black and white thinking, he cannot have both bad parts and good parts of himself, it has to all be good or life is not worth living. also he wouldnt kill her later on purposesly, he justifies his murders against people he knows by " they did something bad to me" if she stayed alive he would likely treat her simlarly to how he treated grundy. like he took a bullet for that woman why would he disgard her like he does so easily with strangers? she would have to like do something big to convince

we see him have a gulit hallincation of kristen in season three, stress out over the mere idea of killing isabella as a accident to the point oswald has to go confront her instead of him, and when edward finally confronts her he tries to escape when he sees her dressed up as her. my problem with the arc is they could've easily tied it to the court of owls and also have the isabella arc be edward getting a taste of his medince, expriencing what he put someone else through but it was not, they romantized isabella when in reality her actions would never help someone like edward and would likely harm him more. i wanted the arc to be that he was drawn to isabella because she was an easy soltution for any remaining emotions he had for kristen, she was a new fantasy of normalacy and so he ran for it and got this in return.

I know people hate this arc for being out of character but season three episode 15 streamlines Edward's emotions and brings clarity to why he did so much in episode 14. if Oswald never loved Edward then all of this was manipulation, the mere fact Oswald couldn't even stand more than a week of Edward being in a relationship with someone implies he felt ownership over Edward, of course, Edward would think he was being malicious, he knows that Oswald knows his loyalty and smarts, why wouldn't Oswald use that just to make himself feel good? we know as an audience that is not the case but Edward does not know. also, I know he wasn't being logical in this arc when it came to isabella but Edward fucking framed jim gordon and ruined his life for a bit because he thought he knew about what happened to Kristen from jim gordon just asking a question???? this man was never logical when it came to making his decisions, Oswald shows his emotions more openly than Edward and he still makes decisions that are more well thought out than Edward does. also, next time I like Kristen as a character and don't want to defend Edward's actions, but saying her death only affected him for like one day is wrong. I'm not trying to attack you but Edward isn't this mastermind genius-level manipulator, he does have empathy even if it is low and mostly repressed. why does Edward need to be at this level of self-aware and evil for him to do something as horrible as that? oswald has done horrific things and we still have to sympathize with him in the show while acknowledging that what he did was bad and he should be punished for it, why does this not apply to Edward?

thinking ed killing kristen traumatized him is crazy 😭😭😭 he got over it in like a day!!! she didn’t actually mean anything to him she was just a fantasy! he just likes the chase him killing her would’ve been inevitable and likely not accidental

[thisdreamplace]

How did you reach a place where you can be happy and full of love no matter what? I hate feeling like I’ll be unsatisfied if my desires don’t manifest. I wish I could feel totally complete without them.

honestly by being willing to totally allow myself to surrender and let go and... allow. allow in general. you have to start to value yourself more than you value whatever manifestation u think will be the trick to fixing ur life. i will be completely transparent in saying i experienced a lot of heartache and pain on this journey as a whole, mostly from the fact i was the same way for a while. i put my wholeness into the manifestations without even realizing i was doing so. so i feel for everyone who gets stuck there bc sometimes u truly think ur doing things for urself but deep down, ur still living for the hope of a desire materializing. through all this time, i cried a lot but i also broke new heights of love, peace, and beauty. and i feel so much more stable and trusting of myself than i ever have. accept that this is a journey and you're just gonna have to be there for yourself, along for the ride ! <3

to be specific, on what i actually did, i firstly took a break off tumblr as some of you know. and i immediately started questioning everything and asking myself for the answers. things that didnt feel right to me i started to reject, and i started to accept things that everyone in the community made fun of. because i didnt care about anyone's beliefs anymore, i just knew it was time for me to live a life i actually wanted. and what was popular in the community was hurting more than helping. so i went all in ! i also allowed myself to revisit topics like deattachment and letting go, which actually helped a ton. after a couple months of starting to challenge my old belief system, i started to actually live again. (yall got a light taste of this energy when i did "love me february" earlier this year bc i slowly started doing new things) i started to push myself out of my comfort zone and go do things in real life, rather than sitting in my room telling myself "i dont have to lift a finger ! if i just sit in here in my mind it will surely happen" (i got tired of telling myself that after 2 years of a rather stagnant-feeling life) so i said fuck it and started doing things. which only snowballed because then i got comfortable doing things. and now ive had so much fucking fun in my life in just the past couple months. i only say that because it still blows my mind n i am beyond thankful for my experiences this year !

what i would like to help yall understand more than anything is this life was meant to be lived and experienced, period. without even realizing it, a lot of us do put life on hold because we're too busy worrying about our manifestation arriving because we put so much weight into that being the thing that will finally be the pinnacle of happiness for us, we ignore everything else already in front of us. its truly a thing like. take it step by step, little things that are out of your norm and you will see the way life responds to you so beautifully ! i love experiencing myself through others and life as a whole n not just thru my mind sitting on my bed everyday !! its great !! but it wasnt some manifestation that got me out there, it was me being done with waiting on shit to change. i just went out there to see what happens, while also keeping my spiritual practice important to me, and it was like magic tbh.

so to simplify. challenge what doesnt feel right. allow what feels right. and allow yourself to actually live and experience life along the way. nothing that is in front of you at this moment, is an obstacle or something you need to pretend isnt there. take what you have and let it be part of what guides you. make that your goal. feeling complete. (or whatever you want, really) when that is your goal, instead of your desire, you wake up everyday and make decisions based on your true self. not that egotistic urge for results.

i hope this helps ! <3 you so deserve to live a full life, no matter what is in front of you. and the thing is that what the greats say is so true. you dont need to be so focused on a desire to force it into being. life responds to you perfectly when youre just busy loving yourself and making the most out of each day. :') things just happen with ease and so beautifully. <3

idky but this q also gives me this post’s vibes hehe ;-;

[littlenekosfan]

so i know some people think jugo was thankful that yhwach killed his uncle in this fire, but he never showed any sort of gratitude about it.. lemme explain

we all know jugo’s uncle was abusive toward him, and its honestly hard to tell for sure what kind of abuse or how it would happen, he’s evil that’s without a doubt, but was he to jugo’s eyes? i know it was telling in that one panel, but abuse isnt just about hurting the other, there is that “affection” given there and there so it make it seem its “just a bad phase, he actually loves you” or sometimes you have the power imbalance that makes him not question his uncle's authority or even worse, jugo doesnt know better, he knows he doesnt like it, but perhaps he thinks its something normal or that he deserves it (for the useless child he is, we all know he has low self-esteem so)

so we cant know for sure what was happening between the two, all we know is that it was bad in our pov

when bazz shows up in the picture, jugo is exposed to another kind of love, a genuine friendship, and we see him how he needed that, he accepts and embraces it the moment he feels more than just a tool in the relationship (he wasnt so keen about it at first bc new relationship was not an option bc it would be troublesome.. if his uncle were to know, he knows it would end up bad). and so, during these 6 months, it was just.. better for him (not the best times but not the worst) even if he couldnt hang out with bazz all the time

when the fire happened, we see him being totally indifferent about it, and really, he didnt show any sadness nor joy, and i believe its because 

no sadness: i already explained that one, but jugram didnt understand bazz’ relationship with his parents/home and how much it meant to him, and with his background, he simply cant feel sympathy even less empathy

no joy: this is fucked up and i know you guys dont wanna hear this, but maybe he didnt wish death to him, that he cared about him somehow, and im saying this with no intention to make you feel bad about his uncle, what im trying to say is,,as someone who can relate to jugo’s trauma, i can understand how he’s not one bit joyous about it, not even glad, maybe relieved and even then, that can be a big word for what he feels,, and this is what trauma is like, his uncle was still someone who gave him a home and fed him (arguably) when his very own parents abadonned him (whatever how that happened, jugo seems to not know himself) so all he had was his uncle, its hard to believe he would hate him with all his being and wish he was dead already… and i know some of you would think “no no he would hate him and run away” would he? we tend to project as adults.. , but adults who lived csa, they know they didnt know how bad it was when they were young, when you grow up, you start to realize a lot of fucked up things about that abuse and how it affects you as an adult, so we cant blame or expect jugo do have done something about it and even hate his uncle for it… its sad i know, but im pointing that out bc…

in friend 3 chapter, jugo did not show an ounce of hesitation when it came to yhwach giving him a position (he hesitated bc of bazz, not bc he thinks good of yhwach) nor did he ever mention him ever again after the fire, which is a sign he coped with his trauma, he put a term on it (although his actions still show signs of it, he simply doesn't think about Him anymore) and that’s a good thing! im really happy for him that he could grow as a person and have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't see him as a tool but as a person

and also the fact jugo trained to hard to fight FOR bazz tells us how he values his friend wellbeing/goal more than his trauma, (god this sounds terrible, lemme rephrase that) after his uncle’s death, jugo didnt know what to do anymore, so bazz suggests him to kill yhwach, jugo isnt reluctant to that idea bc he’s the reason his friend lost everything, and he wasnt too into it bc he doesnt feel hate for yhwach like bazz did, so he joins him for bazz goal instead of just roaming around with no home, and as he grow to train more and more, he did it with the intention to help his friend, not to kill yhwach (bc if it was the case,we wouldnt have friend3), to make it short, jugo’s intention in friend3 (before and during the breakup) were always about helping bazz and not join yhwach bc he thinks he owe him or he’s grateful for what he did to his uncle

so to say yhwach saved him from his uncle is one thing, but saying jugo was thankful yhwach did that to him is not quite true, it was a turning point in his life which permitted him to have a new life (“so yhwach did save jugo”, yeah, by ruining his friend’s life and make them survive in a forest for 5 years all alone and have the worst breakup in bleach, he had to put up with exchanging powers for who knows how long and how much that didnt let him sleep or have the right mind, and to lose all the kingdom he build during these 999yrs, all that for ultimately regretting abandoning his friend for power… yeah, he “saved him”)

[ashortdropandasuddenstop]

Homelander was relieved that the matter had been handled with, or at least partly. There was still the ancient vampire to take care of, but at least the team wasn’t at each others throats anymore. He was glad things resolved fairly quickly and that everyone was on board with the curfew and carrying the silver. It would be a peace of mind at least for the moment until they came up with a plan.

The fact that Norrington was at ease in Homelander’s apartment wasn’t missed on the Supe. Ever since their…first time, the vamp had practically moved in. It was something that had never been openly discussed, though it felt unnecessary. After all, Norrington had his freedom to come and go as he pleased, it was purely choice that he chose to remain at Homelander’s side, and the blonde had no issue with that.

Homelander turned his head to look at Norrington as the man lay down next to him, raising a brow at the comment. “Good thing you’ve moved in then, hm?” The Supe said with a smirk, brows furrowing slightly at Norrington blushing. It was clear he had something important to ask. The vamp had Homelander’s complete and undivided attention.

The question did earn a soft chuckle from the Supe. “We’ve had sex how many times now, and you’re nervous asking if we can sleep together?” Homelander asked, shaking his head as he pulled Norrington closer, allowing the man to lay on him. He leaned in and kissed Norrington softly for a moment. This probably being one of the most tender moments the two have shared. Easing back, the blonde smiled. “You’re an odd one, James. Don’t ever change.” He whispered, getting settled with a protective arm around the vamp. “C’mon, get some sleep. It’s way past your bedtime.” He couldn’t help but tease, letting out a deep breath as his own eyes closed. Homelander couldn’t remember the last time he actually slept. He wasn’t sure if he even could, but he would try.

Norrington accepted Homelander's teasing with a soft chuckle, their playful banter feeling oddly comforting. He gladly nestled closer to the Supe, allowing himself to be drawn into the kiss, savoring the tender moment. It was indeed one of their more intimate and affectionate exchanges, a stark contrast to the intense encounters they started with. James wasnt going to complain

As Homelander held him protectively and made the light-hearted comment about his bedtime, Norrington felt a warmth spread through him. It was a strange and unfamiliar sensation, the kind he had rarely experienced in his long undead life. He returned Homelander's sentiment with a gentle smile. "Well I haven't in centuries, I hardly plan on starting now," he teased.

His head rested gently on Homelander's chest, and he allowed himself to relax completely in his lover's embrace. His fingers traced delicate patterns over the strong chest beneath his hand, and a serene smile graced his lips as he found comfort in the peaceful darkness of the room. "Mm now that... is an order I'm more than happy to obey.. " he murmurs.

Within moments, Norrington had fallen asleep, his body relaxed and content as he cuddled close to his lover. But as he drifted into slumber, his movements stilled, and the illusion of life faded away.

Once asleep, Norrington's body appeared lifeless, mirroring the state of rest that vampires experienced during daylight hours. No breath, no heartbeat, nothing to betray his true nature. Only Homelander knew the secret of his undead existence. And even in this state, his face displayed an almost serene smile, as if he could still feel that deep connection and affection that bound him to Homelander beyond the veil of undeath.

Norrington remained in that peaceful slumber through the meat of the day. He would not wake before Homelander, allowing the Supe the undisturbed rest he wanted, but also meant he would be left alone with his thoughts upon waking.

The Deep stumbled forward, his legs giving way beneath him as he crashed to his knees before Homelander, gasping for breath and clutching at his throat. Panic etched across the fishy hero's face as he frantically tried to convey the horror he had just endured. His voice trembled as he managed to choke out the words, "Homelander, your stupid vampire attacked me again and this time he got me!"

@hom3land3r

[thebibliosphere]

Feel very free to ignore this but yea . I'm starting to think I may have been underestimating how generally ill I am and that I may have something medically significant going on and it would be an understatement to say that its freaking me out a little bit. I grew up with my mom being chronically ill so I got it drilled into me that I basically had to grin and bear shit bc at least it wasnt as bad as hers. Any tips on dealing with this mindfuck lmao

Solidarity, friend. I grew up with a visibly disabled sibling, and it's still a mental slog sometimes to get past the whole "but at least you're not as bad as X" I get from some people just because I'm not as visibly affected.

It took me years to stop internalizing that too. I still struggle with it, sometimes.

Therapy helps a lot. I go to grief counseling. It helps with both acceptance and also managing rapid cycling emotions. This is often something we experience when we first realize Something Is Wrong and we could have been having help this whole time and entirely normal. I also find mindfulness (yes, really) and radical acceptance to be helpful.

Going to put this under a cut because it's long :)

Some people mistake radical acceptance to mean "guess I'll just give up then" when what it actually means is to stop fighting things you cannot change, accept them as reality and focus your energy elsewhere.

For me, that meant giving up on the idea that I'd ever be a healthy, able-bodied person. For the longest time, I was sure if I got the right diagnosis and treatment, I'd eventually be healthy and my suffering would stop. It was my motivation to keep pushing through the medical abuse and gaslighting and, honestly, all that kept me alive sometimes. I needed to name the beast so I could kill it and claim my life back. And then I got diagnosed with two genetic disorders that can't be cured, lol.

Not gonna lie, struggled for a bit with that: both with the idea that I'd been allowed to suffer for decades through medical negligence, and also that now, even knowing the name of what was wrong, I was stuck with it forever. It could be managed, but it couldn't be cured. And that's where radical acceptance can help. Which for me looks like:

"I have (at least) two genetic disorders that cause lifelong problems that cannot be cured. There is literally nothing I can do to change this. This is a fact I cannot fight. But, with treatment and self-care, they can be managed and my quality of life can be improved, which is incredibly important! So that is where I will focus my energy. On improving my quality of life for the person I am, not the person I could have been."

It sounds simple, but internalizing it is another matter.

As for mindfulness, whenever I catch myself in a negative thought spiral of "I should do more because I am not X enough", I force myself to pause and ask: If this were happening to a friend, would I urge them to rest, or would I tell them to keep going even though it's harming them? No? Okay, so why am I not offering myself the same care and compassion?

This can apply to many aspects of life, but mostly I use it to herd myself into being kinder to myself because, goodness knows, someone needs to be kind to this body and it might as well be me.

This is like... not even remotely enough to help with everything you will be experiencing. But I hope it's a helpful start in pointing you in the right direction. Good luck and take care!