#but it might take another month or two
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Wonder how long it will take until Franz even so much as considers occasionally shaving our facial hair.
#like. at some point our facial hair situation simply must get annoying enough for him to do it#and this is a man who walked around with a handful of long curly black chin hair for years without even thinking about shaving#we will have to get to a significant amount of patchy facial hair for this#either that or he gets a little experimental with it#but it might take another month or two#-wolfgang#about franz
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Curly had two days to act and Swansea had two months.
I think it’s just interesting that every defense of Swansea not immediately acting are the same ones that are argued against for Curly. “He didn’t want to alert Daisuke or makes things worse for Anya either Jimmy!” I mean people also assume that about Curly and the crew. “He has to think about his plan of action and a right moment!” Again so did Curly, power and authority aside, he still would have to think of what he had to do. “He makes sure he doesn’t have to be around Jimmy!” So did Curly and they only do this to an extent, both give Jimmy more than a few opening to keep harassing Anya.
This isn’t defense of Curly nor a damnation of Swansea. Their actions are very parallel to each others in tragic and sour ways when it comes to how they approached helping Anya. In the grand scheme of it all they both did the same thing: Nothing. No action either took stopped the inevitable outcome of her death nor Jimmy’s continued damage to themself.
The only real difference is Swansea didn’t like Jimmy which is pretty substantial, but also just as damning as Curly knowing how bad Jimmy could get to an extent. He had even less of a reason to wait, even more of a reason to act seeing as he was now worried for Anya AND Daisuke. He is not bound by the possible procedure as Captain and actively does not care about what happens next. So what does it matter if he acted in the moment? Why did he wait? I think he’s just as morally complex and grey as Curly and we hold him on a pedestal that still perpetuates things in rape culture the game critiques.
It’s not just enough to dislike and be abrasive to predators/abusers like Jimmy. It’s not enough to just put yourself between them and the other person. It’s not enough to hold tensions when you know someone is vulnerable. He and Curly do the exact same things but on different sides of the coin. I ask how is it better to not turn a blind eye but still not really do anything about what you are seeing? Not until it affects you atleast…
The game makes a big point to not put men doing the bare minimum or who wait to do more on pedestals and I’m actually surprised so many are missing that point.
#like I’m sorry two months? he couldn’t have explained it at all to Daisuke?#he’s no better than Curly and it’s likely Anya found comfort in the fact that Jimmy would at least avoid being around Swansea#tho everything he went off to drink or passed out she would be acutely reminded that things are still taking precedent in his head#she is not his top concern nor is seeking justice for her like he is admittedly more concerned about Daisuke he doesn’t mention her#outside of the fact that they were def talking about what Jimmy did and likely the fact he might’ve crashed the ship but pls don’t mistake#his final acts as being majority for Anya. the game keeps showing how these men keep prioritizing things over her even when they say they#won’t and it’s sad it’s so sad that we keep trying to say but what about him like they all do it#it’s not intentional but that’s what’s also bad about it like I doubt she made a suicide plan with him two months in advance#these characters are acting to get out of this and she knows her ending is not happy if she leaves or not she’s taking that choice to do it#and hell Swansea might not have known by the way he speaks to Daisuke and Jimmy that that was her plan to khs#likely either to just keep her and Curly locked in med bay until they got rescued or died#but it’s all speculation and thinking and I can only implore people to think why are you giving Swansea more credit?#cause I see him bittersweetly so used to the negatives he cares not for futile efforts#two months vs two days and each time nothing was really done for her other than prolonging her suffering around Jimmy#Swansea slept outside utility was drunk most of the time and it’s clear Jimmy was able to have access to Anya whenever#I mean look at the teaser where they sit at the table he is far from her with Daisuke#like it’s just frustration at this point thinking any guy on that ship was doing good by Anya specifically and not for their own reasons#like at least Curly was direct on the issue he still did mostly Jack shit but Swansea doesn’t even let Jimmy know he knows#and that’s another issue in rape culture of men avoiding calling other men what they are even if they hate them like#the game plays with the idea of knowing vs acknowledging and neither truly acknowledge it as a part of their actions#against Jimmy and god no one did better than Anya for Anya. they just weren’t heinous like Jimmy#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#swansea mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#nurse anya#it’s not all men but all men can and do play a part especially in the extreme scenario mouthwashing deposits
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seeing the shift of women's fitness culture go from weightlifting to being a "pilates princess"...burn it all
#tj talks#'lean muscle vs bulky muscle' oh go fuck yourself do you know how goddamn hard it is to get bulky?? to build heavy muscle??#it takes genuine years of dedicate work and nutrition to become 'bulky' but for some reason were still perpetuating the myth#that if a woman even LOOKS at a dumbell she turns into ronny coleman. stop this blasphemy#doing light weight training isnt going to make you bulky i promise.#also nothing wrong with pilates! i think its a good workout for core and rehabilitation for previously injured muscles!#but i think the mindset of associating it entirely with femininity and stregnthening the beleif that basic weight training is making women-#get bulky within two months is utter horseshit and just another way were see the fads surrounding womens body types shift#i could do a fucking essay on this shit#actually. i might
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Celebrating the last day of the full time job before I get to go back to only 1-2 days because of school. GET ME OUTTA HERE
#I should work more otherwise I’m gonna struggle even harder to pay tuition next year#but hey the worlds gonna collapse by 2050 anyway#I shouldn’t be complaining but my job could not get more boring#you’d think it be fun. it’s a record store#well#it’s not doing well business wise and so I have literally nothing to do#if I have to try and make alphabetizing the store stretch on for 7 hours one more day I might in fact implode#if I have to pretend to be busy for 7 hours I’m going to cause the apocalypse myself#I hope one of the pet stores get back to be about my applications#at least my boss and coworkers are nice#pet store hire me I know how to take care of turtles#back on the nothing to do thing I am not exaggerating this has been my life for like two months at this point#I have never felt more useless#but I have anxiety so finding another job will be hard#people don’t like hiring obviously anxious people as their customer service workers#besides I’ve already applied to like five different places and have heard nothing#grrrrrrrrrrrrr
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the human au doctors are all ambiguously from Not Great Home Situations but i think twelve specifically was having a terrible time as a foster kid and decided this little gang of weirdos would be his new family
#he’s also faceblind and can’t tell ten and eleven apart if they’re not talking for like. two months.#that’s unrelated it’s just another thing that’s true#they’re the family twelve wants and they’re the family twelve chose. and besides: he brings with him dinosaur facts.#(also this is the point at which nine realizes this is going to keep happening. like okay. ten? that’s one kid he’s taking under his wing.#and fair is fair. as annoying as ten is. as stubborn and rude as he can be. well. mostly that just reminded nine of himself. not a good#thing necessarily. but he needed someone looking after him when he was younger and ten needs him now. okay then.#but then eleven happens and eleven is Not supposed to happen but the other option is to leave him behind living in secret in amy pond’s shed#where he will inevitably be found and sent back somewhere he Does Not Want To Go Or Talk Or Think About. so nine can’t leave him.#ten and eleven might fight like pissy cats but they also huddle together when they fall asleep while nine is watching over them.#so okay then. eleven is coming too.#BUT TWELVE? this is the third time. you can’t have a coincidence three times in a row. and twelve is the one who chases after them. who#chooses them. how is nine supposed to turn him away. plus he’s got a pragmatic streak that is extremely helpful and he fits. you know?#there’s room in their little family for him. and he fits. he belongs. they see him.#so okay then. twelve is coming too.)#human!sibling!doctors au
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I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.
#once again i jest but now i have to actually talk about it#like. okay we have no proof of any actual timeline for the dirge flashbacks other than. it was at least 30 years ago#so who knows how long they were at the manor. could have been weeks before The Incident. or months. or maybe a full year! who knows#but to me a timeline of like. they fucked and like a week later vincent found The Evidence and lucercia had her little breakdown#AND THEN EXTREMELY QUICKLY SHE AGREED TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IT COULD GO ONE OF TWO WAYS#1. she knew she was pregnant and thats why she agreed to the experiment cuz there was already a usable subject#and therefore she must have fucked hojo like a week after she fucked vincent AND THATS STUPID FAST FOR THESE EVENTS#or 2. she didnt know. agreed to the experiment. fucked hojo. and therefore thought seph was hojo's and NOT vincent's#AND BY THE WAY. i dont even actually believe hojo fucked either!!! cuz theyre both scientists so why wouldnt they think IVF was the best way#okay. well.... hojo is canonically a fucked up little freak. so. he might have taken the opportunity to... get in there.#also when did ivf even start being a thing? cuz that may play a factor into this if nomura even considered that#well either way lets just unfortunately assume hojo got in there#ITS STILL AN ODDLY FAST TIMELINE#also. fuck man doesnt lucrecia have a later line in dirge where she actually says shes in love with hojo? or something along those lines#IMPLYING ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE SHE HAD THE FALLING OUT WITH VINCENT. YOU WOULDNT FUCK THE GUY AFTER ALL THAT SHIT#AND WHILE CLAIMING TO LOVE/CURRENTLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOJO!!!! LIKE CMON MAN!!!! SHE SUCKS BUT SHES NOT THAT KIND OF A MESS#i dont think vincent would fuck her until they sorted out their issues anyway and that CLEARLY didnt happen.#its VITAL that that did not happen!!!!#its just. if vincent and lucrecia fucked. everything would have had to happen EXTREMELY fast within like a 2 week timespan#and im just talking about up to when vincent learns shes partaking in the experiment. it was probably another week or two until vincent died#SO. logically it must have been like#fall in love->learn about the gimoire incident->refuse to speak to vincent->get obsessed with hojo->fall in love(?)#and then thats where i think its ambiguous on did the experiment become an idea before or after seph started to exist?#like chicken or the egg ya know. experiment idea or sephiroth zygote?#that feels fucked up to say. im so fucking sorry to seph to talk about this. yeah sorry i have to debate who fucked your mom bro#god imagine telling him that. like not even as a reveal thing cuz he knows who his father is. just like as a sick joke. your mom joke.#NO OH M Y GOD I HAVE A QUESTION NOW#in accordance to him having a photo of lucrecia in ever crisis. after he reads that jenova is an ancient (incorrect btw)#does he think that picture is still her? what about when he takes jenova's body from the lab????#oh my god 30 tag limit. FUCK. i need like a rant blog for all this vincent talk now. my brain is going a mile a minute
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When I actually schedule a weekend to be free, it's so jarring. I traveled 2k miles this week, ate chip in Milwaukee, slept on an airport bench, made minerals at 480 C, pulled copies of Babylonian tablets, submitted two abstracts, traveled another 4 hours to write a card, declined two overlapping events, and want to fucking die about social communication, and now you're telling me I... can sleep in?
#This has literally been a normal week for me for the past two months.#I still need to draw/design a character which might be what i do today tbh. But just the fact i didnt schedule anything today is... huh#Technically i did. But we cant do that because someone else got sick. So I'm kinda twiddling my thumbs bc I watch shows w/other people.#Washing my hands of scheduling tbh. I need to leave town in three weeks again anyway. Speaking of which#I need to take the vehicle training and make sure im actually in the class...#ptxt#academia#But honestly I think I'm just going to sleep in g'night and g'bye lol~ I'll figure out being productive in another three hours
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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Because I can,...thoughts on who would dress as what for Halloween.
Vampire, whether pastel or not, who even knows. Probably similar to this outfit, save she'd also get contacts, some fake blood splatters near her mouth, and just have fun hissing at people. For those who can't see the outfit- think 'victorian vampire' with a dash of detective.
Semi-sexy pirate costume, probably a mix of a man's and a woman's outfit, since they'd want the feminine proportions but the masculine attire itself. Probably had to commission it, thank stars for making funds as a construction worker and protector of the city.
Fire captain. Mate doesn't really trust that any outfit they wore would look 'nice'. Would let the cats they look after at the cafe tear holes in it throughout their shift, no doubt. Mate doesn't mind or care.
Middle right. She'd claim it was a 'healer', no doubt. Honestly, Fin just strikes me as the type to wear witch-hunter outfits despite being a self-proclaimed witch.
Enderman from Minecraft. Absolutely just uses the whole 'stare at and they go wild' to disappear the moment he's spotted. Claims it's just 'really good visual affects'.
Hilariously, wine god costume. Even though the mate definitely has a low alcohol tolerance. However, it would semi-match with Bless, so they'd be happy.
Forced to wear a costume by some of his 'coworkers' (fellow agents). They somehow managed to convince him to wear a sexy cop costume, though Rust doesn't really get the intent behind it.. Xey're mostly in this to get its fellow agents to shut it.
A couples' costume with Tempest. He'd be the frozen king to Tempest's burning queen.
Sexy valhalla prince. Of course, he'd save that for later in the night....at the start, the top is replaced with a chain-link chestplate, though he does keep the cape (and gains a sword + scabbard- no not that sword, mind outta the gutter).
Wants to wear a costume, but he's afraid of being spotted by anyone. Wouldn't dare to wear one at the temple or anywhere near it while in disguise, either.
A couples' costume with Azure. She'd be the blazing queen to Azure's freezing king.
Good luck, she can change her form at will, so if she wants any costume change throughout the night, she'll get it instantly. Defaults, however, to a lizard witch.
#it’s hard to say where all of it begins and i end | headcanons#Hanging on the edge of tomorrow/From the works of yesterday | Sonic “Bless” the Hedgehog#Behind this soft exterior/Lies a warrior | Node the Fennec Fox#Once a temple/Now a tomb/Step to me/I’ll bury you | Shadow “Rust” the Hedgehog#I’ll keep punching ‘til my knuckles start breaking/I’ll keep going through the blood that I’m tasting | Cinn the Cheetah-Fox#If I could see/How you see me/I could be/A little bit happy | Arwen the Cat-Bat#Eyes that stare back/But they're not mine/A twisted truth/A fractured line | Devlin the Wolf#I’m gonna do it my way/Take this for just what it is | Fin the Galago#Sticks and stones won’t break my bones/But your name might crack me | Mephiles “Murk” the Dark#Everybody loves me cause I’m two faced/Cause I pretend that nothing’s wrong | Strawbeet “Straw” the Quokka#I wish there was another way out/For you | Dark Gaia “Tenebrosity”#Not every story ends the same/How can I fix the mess I’ve made? | Sonic “Azure” the Hedgehog#Shoot out the lights/There’s a fire in the sky/Burning it all/The black ash will fall | Tempest Lock#halloween 2024#//it's almost one of my fav holiday months let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#//yes I appear from the void to give this and then disappear once more#suggestive#suggestive tw#//a few of the outfits are called 'sexy' so if you don't wanna see those don't click the link attached
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I'm going to say again like I know it is really dumb to feel this way, but I finally put into words why I get so annoyed when people ask me for a part 2 to one of my works. Like I explained once to people that writing is a very slow and arduous task for me, but it's more than that?
Picture you are an artist working on a painting. You spend months on it to get everything just right. You pour time and energy into getting the perfect composition, the perfect lighting, the perfect shades etc. And then finally, you finish it. After a year, you finally finished your masterpiece. And your work is a hit. People really like it. But then.... Someone comes up to you and says, "Gosh, I really love this painting! But you know what? I love it so much that I think the painting is much too small. You know what? You should add on two extra feet of canvas onto the right side of your painting. That way, you can add on more to your painting and it'll be even bigger and more enjoyable!"
To me, that's what it feels like when someone asks for a part two. Like this last fic honest to God I started on more than a year ago. Granted, I'd pick it up and put it back down, but I put a lot of work into making sure everything was as perfect as possible. It's not an amazing fic, mind you, but it still gave me a lot of trouble. But eventually I finished it into a COMPLETE work. It's a finished painting. That's the story I wanted to tell in its entirety.
I get why people want a part two. I get that the story ends to leave you wanting to know what happens next. But that's the point. That's the story I wanted to tell. It's complete. This isn't supposed to be pure romance. It's supposed to be more on the comedic side. But when people ask for a part two, it's like they're telling me that they're not satisfied with my artwork, that it's not perfect and needs more work for it to become perfect. It's like they're ignoring all the year's worth of effort I put into making sure the composition, wording, humor, etc was just right. Not only that. I should put another year's worth of work into making it truly perfect. It's insulting and exhausting.
Granted, like I said, I do understand people completely do not intend to make me feel this way. I'm not irritated with these people directly. I know it's supposed to be a compliment. But like.... Maybe it's because I'm prideful but I really can't help but be insulted. It's telling me that I didn't do a good job as a writer.
#rambles#'but a good writer makes people want to read more!!'#that's true but i still dont like it#i have a feeling if i explained this to my grandpa he'd understand what i mean#i think another reason why it rubs me the wrong way is... the attitude people have to fanmade content in general#people on this site have no appreciation for hard work#this site is mainly greasy fast food when it comes to reader-insert fics#when they ask for a part two it feels like they're putting in an order at mcdonalds#they're only doing it to reap the rewards of my hard work#i can't spit these things out in one sitting#i swear to god i take an average of eight months or more to release any long work#asking for a part 2 really isnt a compliment at all#you're just giving me an order#you didn't tell me a single thing about why you liked my work. just that you want more#like does this make sense?#istg writing this is like.... i am so my grandfather's granddaughter#both prideful obsessed loners that cant take a compliment#also if its not clear if you added two extra feet of canvas to the right of a painting like....#you essentially have to rework the whole thing#might as well start from the very beginning#every intentional choice you made in your painting is ruined#i know it sounds like i'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like being told to add a part two#i cant just simply add on a chapter#i have to reframe everything from the ground up#do you realize how daunting that is?
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Man I really hadn't gotten as far in the manga as I thought. I just finished ep 267 of shippuden and it's gearing up for the Gaara vs his dad fight, which I remember being where I dropped off in the manga. Bc I'd been keeping up with new chapters for a while, but with all the war talk... idk it just didn't capture 14 year old me that much. So I stopped keeping up.
Now, though. I find all the war tactics interesting hfkshdk it has me wanting to play a fire emblem game again. Hmmmmmm
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#so this means when i last watched naruto i got farther than when i last read naruto.#bc it was. ykno i dont entirely remember. but i'll remember when i get there.#maybe something to do with the raikage? or killer b??? i think after naruto and b find out about the fighting and rush out to join.#which supports the killer b one. OH i also rememeber tsunade fighting. right around then.#i'll recognize it when i get there. i know it wasnt Too deep in the war.#oh actually it might be another 30 or so episodes before im caught up to where i was in the manga hfksbfnd#bcus looking thru the episodes list it says 297 is when gaara leads the attack against the previous kage#OH ep 282 is when tsunade and the raikage enter battle to prevent naruto and killer bee from joining#THATS probably where i dropped off from watching. which is pretty damn close actually!!!!#so yeah depending on how things go i might have read further than i watched. been a good while tho lol#after i reach those two points it'll be entirely new territory for me. which is really exciting!!!!#i know some things from just being in the fandom for. literally over half my life.#but im excited to actually see them go down for myself. and finally be a naruto fan that's FINISHED the anime!!!!#still got a good 233 episodes until then. but when youve wayched 267 episodes of shippuden#plus a good 140 of original. aka a total of over 400 episodes (phew!) then 233 doesnt actually sound like That much.#it'll probably still take me a few months. ive been working on this rewatch since. may#so 400 episodes in 3 months. though it was summer so i had more free time. i dont expect to watch at the same rate as before.#still!!! probably by the end of the year i'll have fully watched naruto. it's exciting!!!
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going through it lately. and by it? i mean absolutely nothing actually.
#guys i need therapy#not that itll work#it wont#the last one didnt#and the ones before didnt but my mom only let me do one or two session each for those so i dont fault them#its been years tho so maybe?#idfk#i dont really care#i do#i probably do im just tired#yall know what type of tired#ugh i should really keep my vent posts to my vent blog so people dont have to see them#<- has made many vent posts here and actually not used the vent blog in months#my foot just fell asleep#yall lukcy i dont have a gun#i lied about quiting my job btw#something came up and it got complicated#it might turn out good tho#probably not#but if it does i might be able to move out and room with my oldest friend#oldest as in time known#not age (im older by like four months hehe(and like a head shorter but we dont talk about that shh))#but that would also mean rent which means philly will take a lot longer#and also ill have to look for shops in a whole other city so im putting off quiting for another month or two or three maybe#i dont like change. i dont like genuinely regularly thinking 'id rather die' to things that i really do want#tw vent#thats probably important#i dont like decisions#did you guys know Animal Jam got shut down?#i miss my necklace. everything else seems so- not barbaric but maybe unclean. which i guess is appropriate
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our current dilema is that the pain from our wisdom tooth keeps getting so bad we have to take pain meds (like it keeps hitting an 8/10 for several hours at a time. we can't not take pain meds) but the only pain meds that touch it have a warning on them saying not to take them for more than 3 days in a row, and we have at least another month of dealing with this, so I don't really know what to do.
the warning is because they're opioids and can cause addiction but I don't actually know how bad the risk is because everything seems to treat it like opioids are the worst thing ever and should be avoided at all costs and you'll get addicted if you so much as glance at them.
either way, my options are to either keep taking them and just accept that risk, or deal with being in so much pain I can't function. even with taking the pain meds I can tell we're a lot more irritable and short tempered and probably just insufferable to be around honestly and I hate the fact that pain causes this, but once again we've got to deal with this for over a month and we've also got to deal with the anxiety over what the treatment for it is going to actually involve.
I've had to deal with medical trauma stuff I didn't even know about until like yesterday when Lucy suggested it might be part of why I feel so shit, and I've had multiple panic attacks per day and constantly feel way more anxious than usual and I get the feeling we're just gonnaa have to put up with this for the next month and I don't know how the fuck I'm meant to cope with any of this
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#there is absolutely nothing that gets rid of what essentially amounts to a constant sense of impending doom#like our brain has just fully decided we're fucked and going to die or some shit and now I have to deal with the anxiet from it doing that#and like I know logically we're gonna be fine and this is ridiculous#but I know we sometimes get a delusion where our brain just decides we're gonna die on a specific day or whatever#and I think that's flared up and combined with the severe medical anxiety#and since knowing a delusion isn't real doesn't do shit to stop you feeling like it's real#no amount of logic seems to be able to make our brain not freak out over this and make me have panic attacks because of it#we already had that delusion kind of going on in the background because something about this time of year seems to trigger it#and I guess having something planned that's incredibly triggering and causing that feeling a dread#probably just made our brain combine the two things#we also are definitely experiencing stress-induced psychosis just in general because I've been hallucinating so fucking much#actually I wonder if the fact that I've had to take pain meds so much might also be messing with our psychosis#I would like to maybe not have to deal with any of this#we were looking forward to just getting that one tooth removed and then resting and recovering and not having anything planned for a while#and instead we've got at least a month of dealing with this shit and I'm fucking exhausted#this year has basically just been me dealing with one unbelievably triggering thing after another because I have no other choice#like I keep being thrown into situations that involve triggers that I can't even think about without having panic attacks#there's a whole bunch of shit going on in our personal life and stuff just keeps piling up and we don't get a break from any of it
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I NEED TO MOVE OUT NOOWWWWWWW
#i woke up at 3 pm bc this was my 1st day ‘off’ in forever#and when i went to grab something to eat our back door was fully open and my car was nowhere to be found#cat*#so i freaked out and started looking outside but when i realized she wasn’t there and my roommate also wasn’t recently outside#i knocked on her bedroom door and she was like ‘oh sorry i was asleep do you want me to help look’#YES i want you to help look what are you talking about#eventually i found her bc my cat is the best girl in the world and never left our yard- she was in the crawl space under the house#but not only am i pissed she let my car out then took a nap#but we don’t live in the safest city in the world and while we were both sleeping our door was fully 90 degrees open#so now not only do i feel like kevin (cat) isn’t safe here but I don’t feel safe sleeping here anymore#the lease is up in july and i finally get to leave#this girl is a random roommate my former roommate found to replace her#and the whole process/experience has been awful#i just have to survive 4 months#during the summer i might keep paying rent but fully leave and go live with family#bc my school isn’t in driving distance of any of my family#now i’m thinking about asking someone if they’ll take kevin for a couple months bc im so sorry about her#but my dad has a dog that doesn’t love cats and my best friend is allergic and my mom lives in another state#personal#delete later#also this is unrelated BUT every weekend without fail she does laundry at an insane time in the morning#and our washing machine is the loudest washing machine i’ve EVER heard#and of course it’s right against the wall of my room#not hers#i only get two days a week to sleep past 630 am and she almost always ruins it
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Might be taking a minor step back from fandom rn, life is currently attacking from all sides and it's not a happy situation
#by taking a step back i mean i might not be as enthusiastic as usual#just lurking instead#the symptoms of depression are not fun#they really werent joking when they said side effects of the pill include mood swings and weight gain#bc the emotions have really not been it these last 3 weeks#im not as excited about stuff as i usually am?#when im out socialising i want to be home#and my friends are getting on my nerves for no reason#but then when i am home im just as tired#and annoyed#and i dont wanna do anything#the 18 day long period is not helping#im bleeding out i think#it already made me iron deficient last year and its worse this year#its not a stretch#personal#google says i should feel better in a month or two#but can i really take another month if this shit#fuck#maybe i should go to the doctor again#for yhe third time this month yay
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well guys i finished house of leaves 👍 im capable of being normal about this book and im definitely not gonna think about it constantly. pretty good . normal even
#pers#i need to spend the next two months taking apart this book in my head and then readd it three more times#and then spend another three months thinking about it. really realy good. books that were made for me.#might not be my number one fave book of all time but its damn close i think
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