#but it just felt so much worse that day
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it's weird to me that the first pride event I ever attended that had protesters out front was in Tennessee and not here in Oklahoma
#to be fair my city is the biggest blue spot in the entire state and one of two safe places for queer people#but still#it was strange#and really upsetting since i wasn't actually there with any family#just my aunt (as my mom's friend aunt not blood relative) and her sister and husband#i had to wait outside the festival for my aunt to even get there since she dropped us off and went to go park but had the tickets#and while waiting i got called a bunch of slurs by people in cars passing by#mainly faggot and such#and i had to listen to people yelling through mega phones and playing loud horrible sermons over speakers#i nearly started crying when one of the guys stared at me with my pink hair and short dress like as if I was some piece of meat.#i had never felt so uncomfortable in a dress that once brought me confidence in my gender expression#and i know i would get those stares if i dressed up nice here too#but it just felt so much worse that day
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#I say that but in truth I've been wondering if the time of this blog has come#As time passes I feel more and more unwelcomed in the fandom?#And though I know it's probably all in my head it's still a feeling I haven't been able to brush off in months. Or longer#And in the last days in particular. I feel like one blog too many has blocked me 😅#I don't even remember what blog it was that blocked me and yet ever since it happened I have been carrying this uneasiness#Which. Look. It's plain ridiculous. And probably just a sign for me to move on or move out#I've felt the urge to deactivate so often in the past week#Tumblr has just been feeling like a big party was being thrown in the next door without me being invited. Which I suppose is#intrinsic to socials in general but it only gets worse by the year#I hate those stupid mutuals labels so much.#My Tumblr experience has gotten one thousand times worse ever since they were implemented.#Sigh. Either way I'm probably going to stick around at least untill ss/kk have their moment. I'm not stupid.#If I ever disappear remember to keep archiving b/sd official content for me.#Track and download the masterlist contents if you can. All links break sooner or later.#random rambles
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woah, all of the sudden i feel like i want nothing more but to turn into a soggy piece of dead wood, and its even worse bc its seems like this time its exaggerating all my worst qualities on top of worsening my regular mental health struggles-
... remembering that its been a month since the last time .... no, no it cant always be that, the majority of my deep dives into mental health hell and public annoyance cant be all that, what am i, nothing but a enzyme and hormone controlled meat puppet that i have no control over? haha no its just me actually getting wors-
cramps.
#ganondoodles talks#personal#tmi perhaps but#as if my regular gender dysphoria wasnt already bad enough#and as if periods didnt make it even worse#no now i also feel like im just a stupid animal that bends to some stupid hormon shit like i have no agency at all#maybe thats just me#but while meltdowns are the pinnacle of feeling posessed to me#realizing i have been 'like that tm' bc its period time makes me feel so .. extra stupid#like man those feelings felt so real and still kidna do but also man what the fuck#.......also i feel like i am proving those misogyni guys right by being weird and not like myself a few days before the cramps start#even without being cis#feels like shit all over! yippie! angry at myself for not realizing it#also angry that even if i remember i cant do anything against it#i jsut gotta waste days and weeks and so much time just to feel even more shit and awful about myself for not beign what i want#argh
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sometimes i feel little sad it took me nearly 23 years to fully realize that i’m a trans guy for so many reasons but also. i’m just so so happy to have realized it at all, yknow? like. idk. i just spent so much of my life hating myself and being uncomfortable with some aspect of basically every facet of myself and my identity and for the first time in my life… i actually don’t really feel like that anymore. i mean, yes, the self esteem issues haven’t gone away and yes im still very uncomfortable with myself and my body sometimes (shoutout dysphoria) but like. the sudden increase in comfortability in my body? the way i dont just want to strive to take up as little space as possible anymore? the way i get excited to put on clothes that affirm how i feel rather than hide my entire self? the nervous excitement i feel at the prospect of hopefully starting t soon? like holy fuck… i feel like im actually living my life a little instead of just surviving for the first time ever and it’s just… very very cool
#slightly inebriated rambling lol i’m just… having such gender thoughts#mentally i am still so so unwell and the dysphoria is also worse than ever lately but i am still so fucking happy and grateful to be me#sometimes#i love being a trans guy#i love being a boy#i love discovering who i am more and more every day#like who i actually am#bc for so long i’ve felt like no matter what i couldn’t quite figure out who i was#and idk… if nothing else i’m really realizing that i truly can be whoever i want and it’s okay for me to try new styles#and interests and hobbies and stuff#and identities ofc#i’ve literally identified as a lesbian since i was like 13 and more or less p much never gone back#and suddenly i’m transmasc and questioning potential bisexuality?? crazy#life really does go on huh#transgender#trans#trans pride#transgender pride#tboy#tboy swag#trans masc#trans community#transblr#ftm#ftm trans#transmasculine#trans guy#trans joy#trans positivity#queer
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i opened tumblr during lunch and the first thing i saw was peter parker britney spears. two of my friends stared at my phone and audibly went “oh” thank you for the blessing
i've had so many people tell me "sci. the only thing i know about you is spider-man and britney spears". and i think that's all there is. you're welcome.
#sci speaks#sighs. i miss my old workplace. those guys were so fun. i miss playing britney in the office all day every day.#i was myself. so unapologetically. sighs. siiiighs.#this new job is killing me. i need to find a way to be more aggressively myself but i don't have the energy.#the job exhausts me so much. or maybe it's my biology that's doing it.#whatever it is something is fucking WRONG !!#i think working in a big company you kind of have to lose yourself a little. just because there are so many people.#like you don't know those people. you just don't know all those people. you could never hope to know all those people.#but in my old place i knew everyone and they knew ME! knew all my sexy nonsense. it felt like home. kick off my shoes.#sighs. what do you do sci. what do you do.#i don't think if i moved company it would help. it might get worse.
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Grinds my teeth to dust…. i wish touch didnt have so many Implications. im just trying to survive out here
#after all this i need a cuddle and a movie But who do i ask withoit them thinking im coming on to them#i need to paint a giant doomsday-guy-on-the-street-corner style sign to wear around my neck that says I AM AROMANTIC ASEXUAL#born to hug and kiss all my friends forced to stand around hands in my pockets#im scared to death of people misinterpreting my behavior or feeling uncomfortable#od be so much more relaxed like at a core of my being level if this was a nonissue#dude im desperate i might just ask the guy i almost fell asleep on tje otjet night#the ice is broken and he already knows my deal#(fantasizing about snuggling with people i like) im so fucked up ….#it’s also made way worse by tje fact that I apparently come off as very flirtatious#im playful and i love people Sorry …..#im like All or Nothing . oh my god lol#i had a friend who called me her ‘koala’ because i was constantly clinging to her#we were 7 so it was socially acceptable#99% of the time we were together i was wrapped around her legs or torso. i miss you so much sybil#the start of the end was when i innocently restrd my chin on my friend’s shoulder to watch what he was doing#and the next day someone asked me why i did that#i was like huh…? he’s my friend?#why wouldn’t i?#then i felt all weird about it And ive felt weird about it sincd#unrelated but my best friend is autistic she has misophonia and hates touch But im the misopjonia exception(real thing) AND#i’m one of the only people she hugs. straight up my biggest flex ever
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I find it so ironically funny when hardcore Debbie defenders use the defense that she was just a victimised teenage girl (agreed) and then proceed to slander Fiona and express their hatred for her character and lack of sympathy
as if being an adult magically absolves an individual of the horrifying trauma that precedes them and screws up their mentality and actions
funnily enough these people get mad at others for "expecting Debbie to be an innocent angel and hating on her for acting out as a result of trauma" (also agreed, debbie does deserve more sympathy, she can't be expected to grow up to be a perfect saint when she's been through so much) yet seem to hold Fiona to the same unattainable standards and put her on a pedestal as if she wasnt a child that was forced to intensely grow up while never actually being raised
like lets put this into perspective and remember that fiona grew up surrounded by corrupt morals and insanely screwed up behaviour yet still emerged as messed up, yes, but surprisingly good considering the situation she was in??? she had to navigate basic things such as morals and being a good, responsible person on her own. imagine how difficult it must be to lead a bunch of kids, including yourself, with no previous role model or good example of your own to follow. most of the time, she always tried to do what she thought was best and would have the most desirable outcome
#listen a lot of the time debbie defenders make good points#is debbie my favourite? no but she does deserve more sympathy#im really unserious on here and ive made some dumb meaningless jokes but at the heart of it i have sympathy for debbie#so no its not the debbie defense i have an issue with#its the way these people claim to be#1 understanders of shameless women and their complexity#top defenders#including of the women who have said and done worse than/just as bad as fiona#and then proceed to spew all this vitriolic lack of sympathy regarding fionas character#they always talk about fiona making the choice to be their legal guardian#as if the situation wasnt complex and 1) she felt pushed into an inescapable corner#2) that doesnt change the fact that she'd have strong feelings about her baby sister choosing to have a whole baby???#she claimed legal guardianship over HER siblings she did not foresee any other children being added to the mix#so yes she went about it harshly at times when she made debbie raise franny independently#but its not surprising considering her exhausted life?? her history as a TEENAGE GIRL and CHILD of raising kids???#there are actual mothers who'd be worse about this situation and fiona wasnt trying to be nasty#it was tough love and it could've been shown in better ways#and im not putting all the blame on debbie cause she was so young and vulnerable#but at the end of the day she made a choice and fiona was trying to help her understand the importance of consequences to your choice#and navigating adulthood when you choose to behave like one#of course debbie was often put in situations where she felt like she had to be a grown up and that is not her fault#but its not fionas either. theyre all just trying to survive. and fiona tried her damn hardest to preserve debbies childhood#so how do you think she'll react realistically to the whiplash of debbie purposefully getting pregnant#ultimately theres a lot of complexity and flaws and nuance to these situations and i find it weird when people criticise#others for putting so much blame on debbie#and then do the same to fiona as if shes not a victimised product of her environment too#you can show sympathy to debbie while understanding Fiona too and being critical in a mature#nuanced way#im not being a hater to anyone btw im just sharing some thoughts and letting it out. all im saying is#most of the shameless women deserve sympathy and understanding and its strange to deny fiona of that
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I'm kinda tired of dungeon meshi fans blatantly misinterpreting Kabru's goals, motivations, and character so they can ship him with Laios...like obviously it's awesome if you enjoy Laikabu but can you nooot twist Kabru's intentions for involving himself with the guy who constantly triggers his monster trauma and pisses him off so bad he gets brain damage so that he turns into "the guy who wants to suck Laios's dick" as his entire character? I've even seen people cut off Kabru's words to make it seem like he is admiring Laios because it would disrupt that narrative
#how can you think marcille hates laios and kabru wants to fuck him that's not.......canon.....#every time I see stuff of them it’s people being like 'oh kabru loves it so much when laios reminds him of his traumatic past'#be it his eyes/monsters/or the succubus thing 'he just HAS to fuck laios'#kui was noooooot intending for kabru to be lusting after that man!!!#i love laios but come ON why dont you actually care about KABRU tooooo#for l4bru to actually work one of them would have to suppress a big part of themselves and its ALWAYS on kabru it’s so insufferable#it's just like how some people misconstrued fem!toshiro blushing about laios to be her crushing on him when it was obv the same discomfort#but it made the microaggressions even worse because of the gender difference AS WELL as the culture difference#SIGH#i prommis ryoko kui did not create kabru so he can think about sucking laioss humungous donger all day fhsdkfhskjh#L4ikabu is the worst case I’ve seen of people twisting things for their ship because it’s literally just not true…#blatant misreading of the text goes crazy!!!!#like sure they're foils but what about the actual dynamic...w8 don't think about that actually cuz yoikes lol#obviously not threatening anyone who ships them please just stop saying it's canon oh my g#pwease actually read what kabru says he lays it out really clearly and has a super interesting backstory that drives his actions 🥲#i dont expect anyone to read this because im not using a tag but if u do then...🫢😯#i dont understand y ppl like it so much when laios ignores kabru so hard KABRU DESERVES BETTER#I’ve never felt like this about any ship before wow it just makes me 🫷
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somewhere on this blog there is a post that goes something like "what if i just start identifying as nonbinary and don't tell anyone and still go by she/her" and that needs to be marked as the day that pandora's box opened
#ik it's my blog etc etc etc but i do try to not sad post often anymore just bc after a while#it becomes a lot akjdsjkdjk#however. this is also the closest i have to an unfiltered diary. so!#idk man ik (im pretty sure) rapid onset dysphoria is a thing or something but like#edit: the most rudimentary of google searches show that this may or may not actually be what i mean but like. 20% effort went into that#the magnitude of bad i have felt in the past week is kinda wild to me#like ive been feeling stuff softly like that for a while now w/ an increase come september#for like. reasons that ik but also reasons that dont necessarily matter rn#but it's like. less a realization and more so steps of becoming more comfortable/feeling more secure#but in that security i essentially run into a brick wall#like i joke abt whatever post i made years ago but it's like#lowk this feels like what i was worried abt this happening LMAO#like this idea of things kinda actualizing in my mind for me#but the actual capability of what i can do feeling limited#like. i have no clue what transitioning would/could necessarily look like for me#but it's starting to feel very much like: whatever it is won't happen#which ik is like. bad queer mindset 1#and then i am falling to bad queer mindset 2 of like. feeling bad that this took so long#and that i didnt put together stuff. or try more. earlier.#and that i've now like. run out of time. which ik is not true so like.#the self-awareness is here! i'm also just stubborn lmao#and like idk currently i'm just in the hell of not wanting to do the middle stuff#i just want to wake up one morning and be different AKJDFKJFDKJFD#anyways! i swear im not actively trying to spiral like every day this week#just my mental constitution is weak and susceptible to demons. and also anxiety and sadness LMAO#and as me and my roommate say. it's never too early for the guilt spiral.#also the pandora's box technically opened when i was like 15 but.#we put a lid on that and then everything came back worse when i was like. idk 19/20.
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Band leader at church: *tells me that he appreciates me, values me, that I am loved, that he sees the effort I’ve put in, that he wants to get to know me more*
Me: *feels good for a few hours*
Me: *has in-person interaction with him and the worship leader tonight*
Me, hours later: they hate me. They both can’t stand me. Whatever he said this morning, he doesn’t feel it anymore. He thinks I’m weird. He thinks I’m annoying as heck and doesn’t want to be around me. They are both annoyed at me and I took up a disrespectful amount of his time last night and he thinks I’m rude and entitled.
#I literally don’t know how to get out of this#This has obviously been a very tricky situation on so many levels so it’s making me stressed in every way and this is no exception#The amount of self-hatred I feel…#It’s not good#it’s getting worse#it hurts#I cannot put into words the absolute loathing I feel for myself#And the raging shame I feel of myself and how I think I appear to others#I keep asking God how to get out of this#I crave any compliment or demonstration of affection or anything that reinforces that people like me and don’t hate me#But it doesn’t stick and it doesn’t help#I know compliments from others aren’t going to fix this#So I’m going to God and asking what to do#And I think if I felt secure in God’s love and REALLY believed He loves me and—here’s the kicker—likes me#That that would be enough and would stabilize and strengthen me#But part of me deep down suspects that He just doesn’t like me or enjoy me and finds me annoying and actually doesn’t want to spend#Time with me#I will encourage people to read Gentle and Lowly for the rest of my days#And it’s helped some#But I think I need it to be applied to me personally by God Himself#Part of it is I think a crazy act of protecting myself#Because if you suspect the worst you can’t be disappointed#What if I assume God loves me and likes me and then I somehow find out it’s not true?#The pain would be indescribable#And even if I know that’s logically bogus#It doesn’t make it feel like any less of a possibility#And so that trickles down into relationships with others too#If I assume they don’t like me or at best don’t feel much towards me at all#I can’t be disappointed#Especially when I see the “evidence” in me that I’m unlikeable
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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Is it normal to feel some kind of boundary has been violated when someone over shares with you
#like listen. I don't like this person but I'm noce to them because of basic civility + we have to interact every single day#so like we have to talk i might as well be kind about it but I've never shared anything really personal let alone intimate#because I don't like this person all that much and i definitely don't consider them a friend. we just happen to be in the same space every#day and talk a little. well the other day they told me some really personal stuff. and like ok. i think they were very nervous and needed#someone to talk to. it's ok i won't deny basic compassion lol but also I'm kind of a captive audience? so they told me this very intimate#detail about their relationship to this girl. and i felt very awkward like i really really didn't need to know anything about their#relationship problems and much less the intimate details of it. you know the kind. the kinda sexist comment thrown in betweeen#def didn't help the case. so i gave this person advice because i couldn't help myself but I'm trying really hard not to ask follow ups etc#the worst part is that next day they said something like 'if I'm making you uncomfortable please let me know' which was kind of them. like#yes i AM uncomfortable (and god forgive me i also just generally don't care about their personal life). but even though they had the#awareness and delicacy to ask: 1. damage was done and 2. at this point just saying 'yes I'm uncomfortable' is so awkward in an on itself lol#so yes. I don't know how to set that boundary i really feel like a kidnapped audience in here lmao there is no way i can simply say I'm#uncomfortable without making it worse or ending up looking like an awful person (again this is a person i have to interact with DAILY)#blabla
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🤪🫠😛😅
#I’m like mostly recovered tbh but the irreversible physical changes of weight gain are triggering the fuck out of me rn#and it’s worse bc I know they’re in large part due to [redacted] and it’s like my fault pretty much so I got no one else to blame! 🤡#and knowing that every day I get older and every day it gets that much harder to lose the weight again bc that’s just what bodies do#I wanna d*e like. knowing I’ll never look the way I did before even if I never eat another morsel of food ever again#I know I don’t wanna go back to the way I felt and behaved when I did look ‘good’ like that but just. idk something about knowing I can’t g#*get that back no matter how hard I might theoretically try to in the future. I will always look inferior to that now#helpppppppp I’m just so [redacted lest I get the cops called on me]#ed tw
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The realisation that Lace Harding and Liara got the same voice actor :O
I could not hear that at all. Well, at least it is now confirmed that the voice actor was innocent for the weird way Liara lines was always said. She can apperntly act. Something else in production caused that
(Or she has gotten alot better at voice acting sense than me1. It was a while ago lol)
#dragon age the veilguard#playing dragon age veilguard#lace harding#i could never quite bond with liara because of the weird breathy way all her lines were said#like there never felt like there were any emotion?#or hardly any anyway#it is a similiar problem as neve#neve performance is not emotionless though#it is just.... feels like the actress was not told which scene she was in at all ever#so the lines are often performaned in a way were one suspect#that the actress had no idea what the answering dialogue or context was#which is most likely the case#i have heard this being a major problem in video game voice acting#that the get the lines sent to them to perform alone with no context#which explains why some actors that are useally good at voice work#suddenly becomes a mess in video game voice acting#BUT neves performance really stands out with having#also having shoddy editing were you reanky can tell were the editor cut and paste different lines togheter#all character suffers from this in dav but neve performance makes it glaringly obvious#all the characters who are returning from dai sounded better in dai#and i suspect it is the editors of the dialogues that are the problem#the ones responible of cleaning up the sound and cutting togheter the sound bytes;$#from the voice actors#and the direction BUT#but both Solas and Varric voice actors the sound of their voices sound so much worse in dav#they both sound like they have been smoking 3 packs a day the last 10 years#AND both had been acting on live stage non stop before performing their dialogue in the start of the game#i think that us not the case so something is wrong there#or ofcourse lol it is possible that solas and varrics voice actors are just not that good at performing the feelings of stressed argument#bur i dont think that is the case...
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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#horrible leg cramps have calmed a bit but are continuing along with thumpy heartrate increase#and my magnesium supplement is out of date and i'm not trying to go out after more#look up leg cramps just to see if there's helpful advice#let's see continuing leg cramps causes: diabetes ✔️ okay. thyroid issues ✔️ vitamin deficiencies yeah ik. severe anemia too ✔️#this does not narrow it down at all#oh also cholesterol medications too so ✔️#but the only one the dr has been calling me to come in for is the anemia so ...#just why suddenly after work you know? like they still *function* fine it's just this constant 'something is wrong'#ever since i got sick my body chemistry has been utterly whacked and now i'm not sick but it's getting weirder not better#i have had leg cramps before (why i had the magn and potassium supplements) but they went away after i slept#these went away then came back also they showed up just as i was feeling better#after a day of just feeling the malaise of a bad day spent feeling 'something is wrong' but nothing specific enough to identify#so like it was a good sogn bc i felt better but now it keeps on and i'm feeling bad again#i really hope it *is* the anemia because it would explain it but damn how am i gonna function until friday i can't sleep#and also like i've been whete these numbers are at before so why is it so much worse so suddenly#that's what's worrisome - where are all my red blood cells going? bc that means the internal bleeding thing is back on the table#well or the bone cancer?#there are too many things that could cause the same symptoms what tge fuck#torn between just taking aleve until nothing hurts (except if it's my kidneys ... or hey my stomache bc nsaids)#and packing a hospital bag just in case because catastrophisizing is what you do when you're home by yourself#it's so hard to tell when you're fat but you *think* you've been losing a weird amount of weight for no known reason#ignire this i'm typing it out bc i need to put it down somewhere and this blog is like a journal
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