#Tumblr has just been feeling like a big party was being thrown in the next door without me being invited. Which I suppose is

[kyouka-supremacy]

//

[winterhawkwonderland]

2020 Exchange Round up!

It’s here!!! An easy to find complete list of works from our 2020 Winterhawk Wonderland Exchange event. It is listed by title of work and author or artist, and includes rating, summary, and word count (if applicable). Our event excluded any of the AO3 Big Four warnings, but please do check tags and warnings on each work before diving in, just in case you find something there that squicks or triggers you!

Once again, thank you all so much for participating and making this a great event! Love the Winterhawk fandom!

If you do not see your work listed, please contact the Mods and we will update the post - all works were pulled from the AO3 Collection, but it’s possible we overlooked something or made a mistake! Additionally - Tumblr (in true Tumblr fashion) would not let us tag some creators - their names are on the list but the hyperlink doesn’t work. We apologize for the technical difficulty, but have no way of fixing broken Tumblr links. Please know that no offense was intended. 

The 300 Club by @fosterthefuture for @gwhell. Rated T, 10,109 words “Me here?” Bucky asks, a little hysterically. “What do you expect me to do, be the one to haul your frozen body in from the snow bank you inevitably fall into and die in?”Clint chuckles, as though what Bucky’s asked is completely illogical, which it decidedly is not. “Nah, you can suit up if you want to come along to make sure I stay on track, but I’ll make it back just fine. I really just need you to be here to make sure the door stays open, help me get my boots off and into those blankets when I get back.”“Clint,” Bucky asks, eyes now closed. “Please tell me you wouldn’t do this if you were completely alone.”The silence that emanates from the sauna is telling.“Well,” Clint finally says, “I’m trying to not get into the habit of lying to you, Barnes.”

40k misunderstandings by @verdantbogmoth for @flawsinthevoodoo. Not Rated, 3,280 words. “Are they real?” Bucky gasps. “Who keeps bags of real rose petals just lying on hand?”“Tony, for special random events and for us to steal to have fun with,” Clint supplies helpfully. “Where do they go?”“Everywhere,” Bucky decides. “The couch, the table, the fucking tv stand.” Clint pops the bag and they spend several minutes turning Bucky’s living area into a very perfumed, petal draped nightmare. “Oh, my god.” Bucky says gleefully. “It looks like a porno,” Clint claps. “A serial killer porno!” Bucky amends. “This is fantastic. Why aren’t rose petals everywhere, always. Why don’t more people just throw them around for any old event?”

[ART] Christmas fluff by @elynehil for @chekov-in-a-dress. Rated G. Winterhawk Wonderland gift :)

[ART] Cooking By The Book by @not-the-blue for @thegrowingwordsmith. Rated G.  Clint attempts a holiday recipe from Bucky's childhood. He... might need a second attempt.

[art] i (heart) hawkeye by @gwhells for @lantaniel. Rated G. Art for lantaniel for the Winterhawk wonderland gift exchange!

[ART] i still feel this way when light catches your face by @quicksillver for @sevdrag. Rated G. Winterhawk Wonderland gift! :)

An Affinity for Elf Culture by @bella-dahlia for @trekchik. Rated T. 8,501 words. When Bucky Barnes was told he would be doing press and community outreach as part of his prosthetic program, no one mentioned to him it would involve dressing up like an Elf from the North Pole.The hella cute blonde elf in head to toe purple hadn't been brought up either.Hiding in his hoodie wasn't going to be an option, was it?

All I Want for the Holidays Is You by @merelypassingtime for @flowerparrish. Rated G. 7,205 words. Clint obligingly took the last name in the hat. Unfolding it he read the name, Bucky. Crap. What was he supposed to do with that? When Clint draws Bucky’s name for the Avengers holiday gift exchange, he struggles to find the perfect gift.

as long as it’s with you by @theproblemwithstardust for @theonlyceeceej. Rated T. 2,651 words. Clint didn’t know when the thing between him and Bucky became an actual thing. At some point the banter had evolved from a fun and engaging way to pass the time into a weirdly competitive game of flirting chicken.

A bad day turned good by @gabrielsammysangel for @misterknife. Rated G. 1,115 words.  Clint Barton was having a bad day, one kiss to take it all away. Aka how a full bad day can be wipped away when you have a good boyfriend.

Bandages and Soot by @fanbinbun for @hawkguyandthewinterdude. Rated T. 2,358 words. “Oh, you’re new. Hi! I’m Clint. I come here often.” “I have been warned.” Bucky said with amusement curling his lips. “Got a name, or should I just give in and start calling you ‘hot nurse’?”

Because of Coffee and a Chocolate Doughnut. by @jazzrose343 for @loonyloopylisa. Rated M. 5,257 words. Bucky is an Actor. Clint is stunt actor and coordinator. Shenanigans Happen

Better Than Fine by @vexbatch for @theproblemwithstardust. Rated T. 4,439 words. Clint promised Kate he'd bring a plus one to her engagement party, but now he needs to find one. Maybe Bucky will do him a favor? Maybe Clint's crush on Bucky won't be a problem for said favor?

[ART] The Cat doesn't agree by @misterknife for @Inktastic1711. Rated G.  5 words. Clint was determined to get the best family photo this year. Except now he's pretty sure that fighting alien hoards or doombot armies might actually be easier than wrangling a cat into a sweater.Bucky says that Alpine's sorry.Clint thinks she might kill him in his sleep.

cause it's just what you must do by @sevdrag for yamyamyam. Rated T. 3,399 words. Clint ducks away at Tony's holiday party for a breather. Little does he know this closet is occupied.

Christmas With the Barnes's by @jstabe for @claraxbarton. Rated T. 3,163 words. He knows Clint is nervous. If he’s honest, he is a little too. He and Clint have been dating just shy of two years but with their hectic work schedules, it’s rare for them to have full days off together so Clint isn’t used to large family gatherings.

The Common Room by @trekchik for @nana-evans. Rated E. 1094 words. No one knows they're together. Right?

Communication is key by @averyrogers83writes for @harishe-art. Rated G. 3,434 words. Bucky screws up and pisses Clint off possibly ruining any chance of having more than a working relationship with the archer.

[ART] Cookies For Two by madnerding for @hopelessly-me. Rated G. 29 words.  My prompt was for cookie decorating and I hope I delivered. Enjoy!

Coping Mechanisms by @mariana-oconnor for @feathers-and-cigarettes. Rated E. 4,321 words. After the events of Freefall, Clint Barton is exhausted, bruised and on everyone's Most Wanted list. Luckily, or unluckily, it's Bucky Barnes who ends up finding him.

Cover Me by @downwarddnaspiral for @feedmecookiesnow. Rated M. 8,618 words. Clint and Bucky end up off the grid and in close quarters. Featuring the world’s crappiest safehouse, a semi-retired spy, and an assassin with strong opinions about the cold.

Delicate, hand wash only by @mollynoble for @pherryt. Rated E. 6,074 words.  “Hey, Buck, what do you need?” Clint moved closer, he wanted to reach out but he resisted the urge, that could be a bad idea right now. “What can I do to help?” He pitched his voice low and soothing. There was a pause, then Bucky's eyes focused on him. “Right now all I want is a bath and then sleep.”

Draw Me Like One of Your Frenchmen by @alchemistdoctor for @thwip. Rated M. 1,410 words. This is written for andthwip in the winterhawk wonderland exchange, who requested sexting during inappropriate times, date night ends in trying a new kink, or getting off in the field. I managed the first two!

Fate or Natasha by bear_shark for @kidd-you-not. Rated G. 1,663 words.  How it ended: Bucky watched the rise and fall of Clint’s chest while he slept. Every few minutes, he would snuffle and rub his face against Bucky’s chest. Bucky’s phone pinged, and he carefully checked his texts. Natasha: How did your date with Clint go? Bucky sat up quickly, jostling Clint. “What the hell?” 

The Fight Before Christmas by @theonlyceeceej for @jstabe. Rated E. 4,040 words. Now, don’t let it be said that Bucky couldn’t take a joke. He could. Really. But sometimes it was just too much. Clint was just too much. Clint is the epitome of a schoolboy with a crush; Pulling pigtails, calling names, the lot! Ok, maybe it was more than a crush, judging by the many thoughts about being thrown around by the Winter Soldier. He just needed to get his attention... But will it work?

For This by @endof-theline for @elynehil. Rated G. 5,652 words. Bucky and Clint are moving in together and it's not just the boys we have to worry about, because Lucky and Alpine are moving too!

Getaway Car by @feedmecookiesnow for @genderfluid-and-confuzled. Rated G. 4,405 words. The guy regains his balance and starts running again. He slips one more time, slides a little more, and then suddenly he’s right next to the car, fumbling at the handle of the passenger side door. A blast of cold wind comes as he yanks it open, practically falling into the seat in a swirl of snowflakes. “Go, go!” he yells, and Clint goes. He doesn’t even question it, just slams the car into drive and shoots out into the street, skidding a little on the ice.

Guardian Angel by @chrissihr for @spacetimeconundrum. Rated T. 3,469 words. Clint attracts strays like moths to flame. All he wanted to do was bring home a puppy he found in a box marked ‘free’ in crayon. It was just sitting out in the rain under the awning in front of his neighborhood pizza place.He couldn't just leave it there ... right?

Hit Me With Your Best Shots by @thegrowingwordsmith for @fosterthefuture. Rated G. 2,185 words. As a barista, Bucky has witnessed a lot of crazy customers and their creations. He has made drinks with so much syrup that there was barely room for coffee, and gotten orders with so many modifications that it had to print on multiple stickers. None, however, even came close to the strangeness of Too Much Caffeine guy.

[ART] How do you like them apples? by @lantaniel for @vexbatch. Rated G.  Because Clint is incapable of 1.doing a calm activity, and 2.not climbing a tree.

Howl by @drgrlfriend for @mariana-oconnor. Rated T. 9,729 words. Excerpt: Bucky gets that uncomfortable feeling again, like he missed something. Lost time maybe. It’s been happening less and less, but it still happens. “I don’t know what you mean.” The man runs a broad hand up the back of his neck, mouth pulling to the side as he seems to consider his words. “Skin feels too tight sometimes? Feels like you gotta keep moving, but no place feels right? Got an ache deep in your bones that you just can’t seem to get rid of?” “What —” Bucky swallows, the rest of the sentence jagged in his throat. He knows there are Avengers who are witches, or telepaths, or whatever, but he’d never heard of Hawkeye being one of them. “How are you — are you in my head? —”

[ART] I got you by @vexedbeverage for @gabrielsammysangel. Rated T. 100 words. I decided I wanted to do some art but then my writing brain told me I couldn't stop there. I've never done a drabble before so I thought I'd give it a try!

I Love How Your Soul is A Mix of Chaos and Art by @flawsinthevoodoo for @merelypassingtime. Rated T. 5,745 words. This is basically a 5+1 where Clint "Borrows" a great many hoodies as a coping mechanism and Bucky decides Clint needs to be a part of his life, not just his laundry.

if these wings could fly by @flowerparrish for @hawksonfire. Rated M. 4,018 words. He waits a few moments, pretty sure he’s going to have to start knocking again, when the door swings open. There’s Bucky, shirtless, disheveled, wings spread out behind him like some kind of tragic painting of an angel. Not that Clint knows much about art, but with the dark colors and dim lights he thinks this could totally have been something one of those old dudes dreamed up.

It Must be Winter in my Heart by @harishe-art for @jazzrose343. Rated G. 3,055 words. It's the holiday season and for some reason Clint and Bucky keep getting mistaken as a couple. They hadn't even planned to meet up most of them time. Why does this keep happening to them?

It was Only a Winter's Tale by @harishe-art for @averyrogers83. Rated G. 1,628 words.  Clint and Bucky prepare to celebrate their first winter holiday together when Bucky has a realization during an argument.

it was peace by @loonyloopylisa for @drgrlfriend. Rated G. 1,932 words. “Um, hi, I’m Bucky?” he said, hating himself for the way it came out like a question. “Hi Bucky,” the man answered, a wide smile on his tan face, “I’m Clint. What can I do for you?” Inwardly thankful for this therapist for making him practice he said, “I was wondering if you had any volunteer opportunities?” Clint gave him a considering look, bright blue eyes narrowed thoughtfully. Bucky was sure he was assessing him and finding him lacking, taking in the missing arm and coming up with a reason Bucky wouldn’t fit in. He was bracing himself for the rejection when Clint said, “sure.”

A Kind of Magic by @sian1359 for bear_shark. Rated G. 7.034 words. Bucky has some help adapting from being Hydra's Winter Soldier to becoming the Avenger's Winter Soldier

Lilac you a lot by @hawkguyandthewinterdude for @harishe-art. Rated T. 6,490 words.  It starts with one purple sock and just escalates from there.

Lost Time by @lissadiane for @vexedbeverage. Rated T. 10,029 words. Clint’s always known the universe doesn’t like him all that much. But all he knows now, as his heart beats out a rhythm and there isn’t a heartbeat to harmonize with it, is that he’s found his soulmate -- and he’s been dead for over 70 years. It’s ironic. It burns. It shouldn’t surprise him. Barney won’t be surprised. Barney’s been saying the universe has it out for them for Clint’s whole life. And this is just further proof. In which soulmates exist but Clint's parents are proof that sometimes, they go terribly wrong.

The Maybe To Your Story by @kangofu-cb for @mollynoble. Rated E. 5,162 words. Bucky walked out of the shared bathroom whistling under his breath, happily ignoring Steve’s groan as he whipped off the towel around his waist to half-assedly swipe at the water droplets on his shoulders. “Oh, you’re still here?” he asked blithely, toweling at his hair. “Might want to shake a leg before you get an eyeful of something you want to see even less than my dick.” “I’m going, I’m going,” Steve grumbled. “Fuck. Can’t believe I’m getting sexiled for the third time this week. For Barton.” Or, instead of talking about their feelings, Clint and Bucky decide to fuck about it.

my hands no longer an afterthought by @shatteredhourglass for @quicksillver. Rated T. 2,922 words. Bucky's moving on with his life. Shaking off the Soldier. There's still that one nagging, blond idiot-shaped regret, though.

Nowhere to go but with you by Lacerta for @sian1359. Rated G. 5,905 words. Clint fights the urge to cross his arms, keeping them hanging loosely by his sides instead, and forces himself to relax his shoulders. It’s just a small precaution in case he needs to react fast but, god, he hopes it doesn’t come to that. He doubts any precaution that doesn’t include a loaded weapon would help him last more than a minute. He watches the man sitting across the kitchen table from him, curled in on himself under Clint’s warmest blanket with his hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee, and tries to wrap his head around the very unusual, very alarming situation he has gotten himself into.

On The Fifth Day of Christmas, The Winter Soldier Stole For Me..... by @ch3ls3ara3 for @alchemistdoctor. Rated T. 8,178 words.  “Are these pears? Why the hell is there a pear tree in my apartment?” he asked Lucky who was now sitting patiently, staring up at the bird with his tongue hanging out and tail wagging. “What is happening?” Clint Barton knew he was a disaster, it never really shocked him anymore when he ended up in strange situations. These twelve days leading up to Christmas, though? Those days he would have never seen coming.

the one where Clint hates christmas horror by @thwip for @bella-dahlia. Rated M. 2,898 words. “We take turns, Clint. This week is Nat’s turn, next week is yours,” Tony quips, sipping from his own mug. “We can watch The Holiday, for the third year in a row, then.” Clint opens his mouth and starts to protest Tony’s eye roll because The Holiday is a cinematic masterpiece and Kate Winslet may give her best performance yet, Tony! Not to mention Cameron Diaz! Singing Mr Brightside! It’s a great film, when the front door opens and Bucky and Steve walk in, laughing about something. Clint's mouth snaps shut and his eyes immediately flicking towards Bucky, admiring the way the navy fabric of his henley clings to the thick biceps that are almost bursting out of it.

Operation Snowbound by RedTeamShark for @heartonfirewrites. Rated G. 4,048 words. The mission is a simple job: tag a convoy as it drives through the pass and then skedaddle back down the mountain. Easy enough that Clint could do it in his sleep. And he doesn’t even have to pull the trigger, that’s what Bucky’s there for. Until an unexpected weather event leaves the two of them stranded on a mountainside in a blizzard, battling the cold, Clint’s taste in coffee, and Bucky’s idea of idle conversation.

Outside the World by @pherryt for @verdantbogmoth. Rated G. 4,767 words. Bucky doesn't really remember who he is, and what little he does remember is impossible. All his therapists have said so. There's no way he can be who he thinks he is - a character from a children's book.And yet, the world around him just doesn't *feel* right - its too dark, too colorless and doesn't match the vibrancy of his dreams. Dreams he tries to capture both on paper and on his walls.Bucky doesn't have any answers he can count on, just the hat he's kept all these years, but that guy that started following him - as vibrant and eye-catching as the pieces of Bucky's dreams -Well, he just might.

The Prince's "Delivery Boy" by allyouneedissleep for @endof-theline. Rated T. 4,917 words. He wouldn’t have any issues at all with the secrecy rules stating that only people in confirmed legal marriages could tell their significant other about their job if he was planning to marry anyone except the Prince who was first in line to take over as King of Brooklyn after his marriage went through. Clint was about to effectively become Queen of Brooklyn and he couldn’t even tell his fiance what he did for a living. As far as Bucky knew, he was a delivery boy. A DELIVERY BOY.

[ART] Snow Way Out! by @inktastic1711 for @fanbinbun. Rated G. 24 words. Prompt: While on a mission, Clint and Bucky end up on an impromptu sledding trip down the snowy hill/mountain to escape the bad guys. Bonus points if the sled isn't actually a sled.

Snowed In by @chekov-in-a-dress for @ch3ls3ara3. Rated T. 4,332 words.  Secret Santa Story for CarafeOfColdBrew! Dad Bucky and his daughter Nat are on their way to Bentonsport where Bucky is supposed to check out a possible site to build a resort when they get overwhelmed by a snowstorm. How lucky that they get pointed to a bed and breakfast owned by a certain handsome dork.

So much to say (I just can't speak) by @hopelessly-me for Allyouneedissleep. Rated T. 3,260 words. Bucky has never considered himself the jealous type. But when Steve and Clint start hanging out more and more, Bucky starts pulling back to protect his own feelings.

Some Luck by @claraxbarton for @not-the-blue. Rated T. 3,558 words. “Cowboys?” he asked. Judith smiled at him. “I love to give my darlings what they want.”

a storm is comin' in by @heartonfirewrites for @chrissihr. Rated T. 9,686 words. Sasquatches don’t exist. Clint is sure of it. So what’s that fuckin' bigass yeti doing outside Tony’s upstate cabin in the middle of a nor’easter, looming ominously and ruining Clint’s plans for a quiet Christmas alone with Lucky?

Time and Time Again by @pherryt for @shatteredhourglass. Rated E. 6,497 words. The past has a way of catching up to people and Clint knows that better than most. Despite that ingrained life lesson, he still doesn't expect it when a part of Steve's past turns out to also be part of Clint’s. He's... not sure where to go from here.

too cold to feel (but i know you're there) by @hawksonfire for @trashcanakin. Rated T. 1,983 words.  Clint’s been cold his whole life. He doesn’t mind, really, has learned to always keep a pair of gloves on him, even in the summer. He gets weird looks for it, but he stopped caring what people thought of him a long time ago. His apartment has always got spare blankets laying around, and his dresser is jam packed with thick pairs of socks.

[ART] A Walk in the Woods by @spacetimeconundrum for @downwarddnaspiral. Rated T.  One finds the strangest things in the woods...

What's a Guy Like You Doing in a Place Like This by @sevdrag for @kangofu-cb​. Rated T. 8,091 words. A 5+1 fic for Winterhawk Wonderland: Five Times It Wasn't A Date, and One Time It Actually Was.

Word Search by yamyamyam for RedTeamShark. Rated T. 3,858 words. Bucky doesn't understand why he should have to see a doctor about a measly little bullet wound. Steve doesn't understand why that would be optional, Jesus Christ, Buck, we can have nice things now. Clint doesn't understand why he can't visit Bucky in the super-secure lockdown ward. The NYFD doesn't understand why Clint can't get out of a baby swing without the jaws of life. Natasha doesn't understand why she puts up with any of these idiots.

[ART] You Come Here Often? by @trashcanakin​ for Madnerding. Rated G.  winterHawk in the vents.

You had me at Loathing by @kidd-you-not​ for Lacerta. Rated T. 5,715 words. "What?" he asks absolutely no one, completely baffled. Movement to his left catches his eye and he twists around, still hanging from the balcony railing by his legs, and gapes. There, right there on the adjourning apartment building, is a man. A man clad all in black, with chestnut brown hair falling to his chin and a mask covering the lower part of his face. Holding a sniper rifle in his right hand and giving Clint a mocking little salute with the left. "Motherfucker!" Clint screams. Hawkeye and the Winter Soldier work for competing companies. Unfortunately for everyone involved, they cross paths on more jobs than either of their handlers can endure.

Honorable Mention:

The Opposite of Love by @teeelsie-posts for @loonyloopylisa. Rated E. 10,000 words. You know that social media post where the guy says he’s a felon and he’ll come terrorize your family for Thanksgiving in exchange for a free meal? Yeah, that’s what this is. Except that Clint is Clint, and Bucky is Bucky, and they’re both Avengers, but Clint’s family is a bunch of assholes and Bucky decides to help him out with that. Oh, and it’s Christmas, not Thanksgiving. Mod Note: This fic was begun for last year’s exchange then discarded for another idea, but Teeelsie finished it unexpectedly and asked permission to include it in this year’s collection and we were happy to allow that. Please enjoy!

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Forever & Always (Ethan x MC)

Summary: A quick little glance at Ethan’s thoughts moments before his wedding

A/N: A huge thank you to @anwenwrites for the idea and @drethanramslay for providing me much needed screenshots 

Tags: @fanmantrashcan @ao719 @x-kyne-x @colourmeshy @writinghereandthere @paulfwesley @ramseyandrys @perriewinklenerdie @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @hatescapsicum @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramsey @the-soot-sprite @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @miyakokurono @trappedinfandoms @my-heart-beats-for-ya @adrian-motherfucking-raines @riverrune @edith-eggs1 @thatysn @bellcat2010 @theeccentricbibliophile @cecilecontrera @junehiratas @choices-love-affair @openheart12 @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @desmaranj @mal-volaris @whatchique @nazario-sayeed @aestheticartwriting @ruinedbypixels @mvalentine @nooruleman

If you want to be tagged, but it’s not working, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on. Blame tumblr, not me.

~v~

The Ritz Carlton ballroom is buzzing with energy. Everyone is chatting excitedly, looking around, waiting for the main event to get started. But Ethan Ramsey is a ball of nerves.

He can count on one hand the amount of times he’s ever been nervous. Applying to college, interviewing for placement at Johns Hopkins, and his first day at Edenbrook were all previously in his top 3. But he can now say without a shred of doubt that those truly pale in comparison to what he’s feeling now.

Standing at the end of the aisle, waiting for his (soon-to-be) wife is the most nerve-wracking experience in his 38 years on this earth. It’s a combination of nerves and anxiousness that swells in the pit of his stomach, and he won’t feel settled until he can see her with his own two eyes and touch her with his own two hands.

He hasn’t seen her since their rehearsal dinner and is the longest they’ve gone without seeing each other since they started dating. Naomi’s mother and Sienna were very adamant on the two of them not communicating the day before the wedding and the day of the wedding until the ceremony officially starts.

I just hope she’s okay, he thinks with a sigh.

In a few short minutes, she’s going to burst through the doors of this ballroom, walk down the aisle in a gorgeous gown, and they’ll be married. She’ll be his wife.

Ethan never thought he’d see this day. He’s never been a romantic, and he’s never seen a valid reason for legally tethering himself to another person.

“As an institution, it doesn’t make sense to me..”

“There’s no biological basis for that...”

“How are you supposed to know when you’ve met the right person?”

His previous views on marriage swirl around in his head on a loop and Ethan chuckles to himself. How could he have been so wrong about love, so off-base? Especially with the woman of his dreams standing in front of him the entire time?

The words sound so hollow and asinine now, and he can’t believe there was ever a time where he didn’t feel like this: stupidly and completely in love, happy, at peace. Naomi came into his life like a wrecking ball taking to the side of a building, pushing him, challenging him, loving him, warts and all, and he hasn’t been the same since. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Ethan locks eyes with Naveen, who’s walking down the aisle, a big smile on his face. Within seconds, he’s at the altar, taking his place next to the anxious groom.

Naveen places a warm hand on Ethan’s shoulder and squeezes. “Are you ready, son?”

“Ready doesn’t even begin to describe it,” Ethan replies honestly.

“For what it’s worth, I just saw the entire wedding party out in the hallway. You have one very stunning bride.”

A dopey grin adorns Ethan’s face at the mention of Naomi. He’s sure she looks beautiful. She always does. “Yeah? How is she? Did she seem okay?”

“She’s perfect,” Naveen says. “As cool as a cucumber.”

It would be today of all days that they switch roles. Naomi has always been the more emotional one of the two, her heart securely on her sleeve, while he’s calm and put together. The answer sates some of the anxiety, just a bit. “Of course she is.”

Naveen gives him another smile. “I’m really proud of you.”

“For what? Getting married?”

“Yes, marrying Naomi is the smartest decision you’ve ever made,” Naveen shoots back with a smirk. “But to be serious, I’m proud of how much you’ve grown. I’m very happy you decided to let love in. No one deserves it more than you.”

Ethan clears his throat and coughs in order to disguise the fact that he’s getting choked up. “Thank you, old man. And thank you, for officiating.”

“There’s no need to thank me. As if I’d let the honor go to anyone else.”

Soft music starts playing and the double doors to the ballroom are thrown open. The first people he sees are his father escorting Naomi’s mother down the aisle. Then the wedding party comes down in pairs.

Ethan can feel his anxiety kicking up again as he sees their friends come towards him. By the time he sees Jackie and Bryce, he’s a ball of nerves. And once Sienna and Naomi’s brother Jacob come into his vision, his entire body feels near frozen.

He briefly closes his eyes, trying to settle the nerves.

In the distance, Ethan hears the wedding march starts and everyone shuffles around, so he opens his eyes again. And then he sees her.

There has never been a sight more beautiful than Naomi Valentine (Ramsey) in a wedding dress. He’s never been one to get caught up in cliches, but she looks like she stepped out of a fairytale. Her hair is up in some fancy updo, a small sparkling tiara on her head. The ballgown m that’s been taunting him for the past few weeks, hanging in the back of their closet in a garment bag flows around her, and she’s a vision of lace and embroidery.

She looks up at him with a smile so big and uninhibited, and they lock eyes, and Ethan has to resist the urge to run down the aisle, meeting her halfway. He wants to hold her, kiss her, say to hell with this ceremony and just sign the paperwork. Now that he has eyes on her, he doesn’t want to waste another second not being her husband.

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his view of Naomi becomes blurry and obstructed, and he quickly wipes the tears away. It’s a wasted effort as they keep coming.

Eventually Naomi makes it down the aisle. She kisses her dad on the cheek and he shakes hands with Ethan before sitting down.

Before she can do anything, Ethan nearly tackles her with a bear hug, burying his face in the crook of her neck and breathing in the sweet smell of the perfume she’s wearing. It might be inappropriate and they did not discuss this during the rehearsal, but he doesn’t care. The need to touch her is too overwhelming.

Eventually he breaks away and they touch foreheads. His hands gently cup her face and he looks down at her. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry if I’m ruining your makeup,” Ethan adds,  gently stroking her cheek.

“It’s fine.” Naomi wipes away one of his tears with the pad of her thumb. She giggles softly, and the noise makes his stomach flip. “Your eyes are red and swollen, so I don’t mind a little smudged makeup. We’ll look a mess together.”

Ethan is not sure how long they’re locked in their own perfect little bubble, but eventually Naveen clears his throat, getting their attention. He smiles at them. “If it’s okay with you two, how about we get this show on the road?”

Naomi regretfully pulls away, but she holds onto Ethan’s hand, squeezing tightly. “Ready to get married?”

“To you? Absolutely.”

[kingonafiftymetreroad]

Fic Rec Post

Hey everybody! One of my secret santas asked me what my favorite fics are so I decided to make a full blown rec post just for them. These are a little all over the place so I hope you can find something that you enjoy here! ☁️✨ 

Please make sure to read all tags and warnings before reading a fic. And don’t forget to kudos/comment!

🌙 The Finish Line (Is A Good Place For Us To Start) by LoadedGunn 122k

Louis Tomlinson, one-time Formula 1 World Champion, is looking forward to the 2013 season. He’s got Zayn in his garage and Liam in his ear, he’s got Cowell Racing backing him despite former indiscretions, he’s got experience and the best race car out there. Not to mention he’s the only racer they have, after Oliver dropped out late last year.

It hasn’t occurred to him that Oliver would have to be replaced by February. That is, until he finds himself at a party celebrating Harry Styles leaving Ferrari for Cowell. Harry hotshot Styles, who broke a record last year and is probably looking to make a big splash. Harry Styles, who is talented and somewhat intimidating. Harry Styles, who left Ferrari for reasons unknown and seems kind of lonely and harmless in person. Lonely, harmless, hot as fuck. Whatever.

The first thing Louis does is take him under his wing. From there it’s nine months of slow-burning romance, the past catching up to them, turning into the human puppy pile that is OT5 and a lot of feelings until, of course, reaching the finish line.

🌙 a promise lives within you now by sarcasticfluentry 46k

A Lord of the Rings-inspired Middle Earth AU. Louis is an Elven prince, next in line to become King of Mirkwood, and Harry is the orphaned Human boy who grows up alongside him. They fall in love, but Louis’s obligations to the throne, Harry’s mortality, and impending war threaten to tear them apart.

🌙 if you're for real and not pretend by brownheadedstranger 21k

In which Harry works in a bakery and Louis can't seem to find what he's looking for.

🌙 Into The Blue by zarah5 117k (story is locked, ao3 account required to read)

AU. In which Louis is Harry's scuba instructor and quite happy to provide the requested special treatment, pun fully intended. It can't be all that difficult to convince Harry that they're on the same page, right? Also, Niall and Liam may or may not be dating, and Zayn is surrounded by emotionally stunted idiots. He bears it with dignity.

🌙 Don't Unplug Me Or Shut Me Down by slashter 7k

Louis scowls. "He's a photography student. He works with gorgeous models and probably breaks hearts with his smile. I'm a nerd. I earn my money fixing broken crap, and for some stupid reason, I like it. He wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, he's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers, et cetera, et cetera." Louis sighs. "I swear, the coolest thing I've ever done is wear contacts."

Basically, Louis is a self-proclaimed nerd who fixes things and Harry seems too perfect to keep breaking as many things as he does.

🌙 You Are The Blood by sarcasticfluentry 175k

A seventh-year Hogwarts AU in which Niall gets all the girls, Liam goes on a journey of self-discovery, Zayn falls in love, Harry wants something more, and Louis tries to figure out once and for all why he, a Muggleborn, was sorted into Slytherin.

🌙 this must be what all the fuss is about by youcomecrash 3k

"You're sweaty," he mumbles matter-of-factly. Louis opens his eyes and raises his head from between his arms. Harry's just staring up at him with a lazy expression and Louis kind of wants to kiss him to sleep. "That's because it's a hundred degrees in here, babe."

🌙 I Fell From the Sky For You (Like a Shooting Star) [by louserz] by waddupjordan (orphan_account) 8k (This was originally posted on tumblr by @louserz and this person had permission to post it on ao3 for the author. if the original author sees this and wants me to take this off of my rec post please DM me and I will. This fic displays elements of depression and homelessness although it is not tagged that way so please take caution in reading this. I don’t want to accidentally trigger anybody.<3)

Harry owns a bookstore, Louis is homeless, and apparently even shooting stars fall in love.

🌙 Sail Across Me by iwillpaintasongforlou 21k

Harry is a prince that is about to be forced into marriage against his will and running away to sea seems like a much better option. Louis is the captain of the infamous pirate ship The Rogue and he has a thing for helping defenseless creatures. Especially when they're as pretty as this one.

🌙 but maybe im just in love when you wake me up by theonewiththelarrystories 6k

lazy morning sex, prompted by Asher: "like a whole sleepy sunday morning vibe of waking up together and then louis pulling a sleepy harry into a warm bath and louis washing harry all over. a bit of body!worship, louis gently working conditioner into harrys curls and him practically purring. Then louis taking it slow with kisses on harrys neck and gentle touches and then fingering harry until hes whining with his head thrown back against louis’ shoulder little needy noises coming from his perfect fucking lips. and then harrys boneless and content while louis leads him back to their bed and spreads him out face down and rims the fuck out of him until hes screaming and then he fucks him gently and then they cuddle on the couch and harry wears louis’ white sweater and louis calls him ‘sweetheart.’"

🌙 strawberry milk fic by Wankerville 158k (3 parts)

This is a 3 part story. The 1st part was originally written alone and then the author added the rest. You can just read the 1st part (19k), and you’ll still be satisfied without feeling added pressured to read the whole thing. Please read all the tags and warnings for each fic beforehand!

🌙 and we live like legends now by soleilouis 16k girl!direction 

harry works at a juice bar, and louis is the cute girl that skates at the park right next door.

🌙 Through Eerie Chaos by MediaWhore 102k (story is locked, ao3 account required to read) @mediawhorefics​

For as long as anyone can remember, Old Hillsbridge Manor has always been believed to be haunted. Everyone in the village agrees and keeps a respectful, fearful, distance. New in town after a bad breakup and an internship that led to disappointment rather than a permanent job, Harry Styles figures taking pictures of the decrepit building could be a great new creative project. Or at least a much-needed distraction while he searches for a job and crashes at his parents’ new house. No one warned him about the apparitions though; about the music, the laughter, the people who flicker and vanish when you call after them, the echoes of a past that should be long gone… Harry has never believed in spirits but even he can admit that there’s something weird going on. What starts as mere curiosity evolves into a full-blown investigation and soon enough, Harry finds himself making friends with an aristocrat from the 1920s and struggling with finding the best way to tell him that he’s dead.

The Ghost Hunter AU where Niall lives to prove ghosts are real, Zayn is a skeptical librarian and Harry gets caught up in a century-old mystery and catches feeling in the process.

🌙 jump in the deep end by istajmaal 5k 

Louis’s stomach lurches as he closes the last bit of distance, Harry’s nose settling between his arse cheeks and pushing them apart. Harry’s lips brush against the puckered skin around Louis’s hole in a kiss and Louis lets out a whine so high-pitched he barely recognizes it as coming from himself—what if I'm not clean enough, what if Harry hates it, what if Harry pushes me away—but then Harry’s long, wet tongue swoops in a circle around Louis’s rim and Louis feels like all the breath is knocked out of him. He grabs for Harry’s hand, still digging into his thigh, and squeezes over it, until Harry releases his vice grip on Louis’s thigh and laces his fingers through Louis’s.

or, Louis's arse is a sensitive subject, so Harry approaches it gently. With his tongue.

🌙 the wheel breaks the butterfly by embodied 4k girl!direction @aliensingucci​

“Out with it, Styles,” Louis groans. Harry’s suddenly regretting this whole thing, and she’s sure she’s beet red now, so she just blurts it out so fast she’s not sure if Louis even understands her right away.

“I’ve never gotten head before.”

AU. harry and louis are roommates. girls' night ends a little differently than usual.

🌙 you flower, you feast by stylinsoncity 18k

He's King of the Underworld, but don't assume Louis has it all. He could stand for some excitement in his monotonous, eternal life and maybe, even.....a soulmate.

(Despite not having a soul.)

And along came "Harry".

🌙 you change, water sea by got2ghost 4k girl!direction (ziam with side larry)

“Zayn wants me to teach her how to make a girl squirt,” Louis says, like it’s the most casual thing in the world. Liam chokes on the water she’d been swigging from her thermos, which makes Louis throw her head back and laugh. Zayn’s brows pinch together and she pats Liam gently on the shoulder, muttering, ‘you okay babes?’

🌙 The Case Of The (Definitely Not Haunted) Styles Mansion by BriaMaria 40k

“So there’s a sense of humor buried beneath all that condescension, huh?” Louis said when he’d stopped laughing.

“It’s not condescension, it’s intelligence. I understand you might not be able to recognize it yourself,” Marcel said, then slapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh god, I’m sorry.”

Louis stepped closer, his eyes on Marcel’s face. “For being an asshat?”

“For being rude,” Marcel said, from beneath his palm.

Louis shifted a half-step closer until he was at the very edge of Marcel’s personal space. It felt like he was nudging at it, asking to be let in. Marcel flushed hot for no reason.

“Lucky for you it takes quite a lot to actually insult me,” Louis said taking one step closer. Too close. Too close.

Marcel met Louis’ eyes. Those blue eyes that reminded Marcel of poetry instead of science, lyrics instead of formulas. They were so pretty he wanted to drown in them.

---

Or the Nancy Drew AU where Marcel is a man of logic, Louis is a private detective who believes in ghosts, and the Styles Mansion is definitely, absolutely, positively *not* haunted.

🌙 You are the Lyrics by TheIfInLife 4k @larryficwriter​

or, Harry wears lingerie for the first time and Louis definitely approves.

🌙 Wild at Heart Ain't Hard to Find by QuickedWeen 11k girl!direction @becomeawendybird

Louis and her best friends Niall and Liam always take an annual vacation together. This year Niall has picked Redwater Canyon, a small tourist town where everyone lives like it's the Old West. There are saloons, stagecoaches, and limited access to WiFi.

The town boasts tours, excursions, activities, and the hottest woman Louis has ever seen in the form of the local blacksmith.

🌙 Withdrawal Was the Weeping by QuickedWeen 11k girl!direction

Confined by life and society, Harry spends her Sunday afternoons walking aimlessly about the countryside as it's her only source of freedom. One Sunday she is aided by the most beautiful woman she has ever met, but not everything is as it seems. Was it a trick of the light? Was it Harry's own active imagination? There is nothing to do but try to find her again.

🌙 i must admit i thought i'd like to make you mine by disgruntledkittenface 50k @disgruntledkittenface​

Louis fell apart when her ex broke up with her and moved across the country. Just as she’s starting to move on, Zayn comes back to town for their mutual friends’ wedding – with a new girlfriend as her plus one.

Blindsided and scrambling to save face, Louis lets herself get talked into a fake relationship with her new friend Harry. Their arrangement makes Louis feel pathetic and embarrassed, but it’s only going to last a few weeks. She just has to get through the wedding – what could happen?

🌙 tempted by the fruit of another by disgruntledkittenface 3k (zayn/louis/harry)

Zayn didn’t mean to look. And she certainly didn’t mean to watch.

It’s just that Louis and Harry are the worst hosts in the world; they’re in their bedroom, clearly fucking (again), and so loud that Zayn can’t concentrate on her game of Among Us in the living room. Liam has killed her twice. Liam. So she just went down the hallway to make sure their bedroom door was at least closed.

It wasn’t.

Zayn stumbles into a world of possibility when she stays with Harry and Louis for a few weeks.

🌙 I have more favorite fics but they are not included here due to them being deleted from ao3. They’re saved in PDF form both on my laptop and my phone (I go back and read them all the time) so if you’re interested in those you’re welcome to reach out to me and ask privately and I’ll share what I can.

This turned out a lot longer than I had expected. If you read through the whole thing thank you! ✨

[bangtan-madi]

hello, are you still taking requests for mysme? if so, may i ask for headcanons with jumin and jihyun having a lawyer SO? thank you very much! (ps: jin rights!)

Hi! So sorry this has taken so long. I don't know how long this request has been in here, but my motivation to write the last few MysMe requests has been...lacking, to say the least. I apologize, but I hope you do enjoy these headcanons! (reminder: I don't write for Jihyun, but I went all out on Jumin because...yes. I needed these headcanons in my life) (also...please keep in mind that I haven't played the game in like six months, as my Tumblr content has shifted, so go easy on me xD)

Requests for MysMe are NOT open. This is just me catching up on the few remaining requests from pre-blog change. Thanks for understanding, lovies.

Han Jumin with a lawyer significant other is the power couple of all power couples.

Seriously. I didn't know I needed this until it was put in my Askbox.

We all know that Jumin can be a bit overly logical, out of touch with how others are feeling, especially when it comes to debating or discussing certain things. That's gotten him into a ton of trouble over the years. His friends, especially Zen and Yoosung, rely heavily on their hearts and feelings when making life choices. Even when it comes to simple things, like picking what to eat, they go with what feels right. To Jumin, he's much preferred the logical to his own feelings.

"They're unreliable and change with the weather. I prefer the tried and true."

So when he meets you, an applicant for the company's legal department, he's a tad starstruck. It's an entirely new feeling to Jumin, but not one that he's all that opposed to. When his father referred you, citing a great relationship with your father through their mutual work together, he didn't have very high hopes. Which is why he's lined up several more interviews later in the day.

To say he is pleasantly surprised to find someone who is very complimentary for him is an understatement. Upon first introduction, you present yourself as an individual of the law, of logic, and of stoic reason. The confident yet humble way your carry yourself convinces Jumin that you're exactly what his company needs, and you seal the deal with being able to answer and debate on equal footing with him all throughout the hour-long interview. It's intellectually stimulating and relaxing at the same time. The two of you are on the same wavelength. While your emotions and passion are proven to be powerful, it's because of this beautiful combination of head and heart that Jumin cancels the rest of the interviews.

"We won't be needing them," he tells Jaehee as you exit the building, turning back to throw him an assured smile, as if you already knew he was going to pick you. "I've found exactly what I was looking for."

What's more, what he didn't know at the time that you would tell him sometime later, is that you enjoyed it just as much as he did.

After a few months of working together, you're the one that finally asks Jumin out for a drink. It's the day you win your case against the company that wrongly sued C&R International. It was a case you got thrown into on your very first day. You'd poured hundreds of hours into working it up, which did not go unnoticed by Jumin.

The CEO goes out of his way to make sure you're well taken care of on particularly long days. Making you a cup of coffee just the way you liked it? That's slowly becoming a daily occurrence. Hiring extra assistants to make sure you aren't overworking yourself? He's brought on half a dozen additional support staff for you and you alone. Having his personal chef bring meals for the entire law department under the guise of HR? That's one thing you knew was especially for you, particularly because that chef always had a knack for preparing your favorite meals (You've always had a soft spot for Tteokguk.)

All of this, added to the adrenaline high from a successful Court Order, has you turning to Jumin with the biggest smile plastered on your face.

"Drinks on me! Don't worry. I know a place with the best red wine you've ever tasted."

And he'll admit it proudly: you were right. The wine was impeccable, but what he's more impressed by is the way you've loosened up and grown more comfortable around him over the past six months. His first impression of you is as strong as ever, but there's a very deep and emotional side to you as well. It perplexes him, but it also intrigues him. The way you use both in both your professional and personal life deeply impresses him. You find your strength in both, and leaves this man hanging on to every word you utter.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" you ask towards the end of the night. "You're staring."

Jumin blinks away and takes another sip of the house Merlot, a favorable new find. "Is it that obvious?"

"A bit. What's on your mind?"

"When I first met you, I saw that you were like me. You adhere to intellect and logic and use your mind to make choices. But over the last six months, I also see that you're guided by your heart as well. You have this admirable blend of genius and intuition that, to be honest, both confuses and amazes me."

"How so?"

"Because I'm nothing like that."

These after-work outings and deep conversations continue over the next six months, and pretty soon, you find yourself having been at C&R for a year. On your workiversary, you invite Jumin to your family home to introduce him to your family. They've planned to throw you a one-year party with family and close friends, and you could think of no one you'd want there more than Jumin.

"Wait...aren't I supposed to be doing something for you today, as your boss, [Y/n]?"

You merely grabbed the sleeve of his pinstriped, collared shirt and dragged him towards the front door, where you'd already hailed his car.

"You do things for me every damn day, Han Jumin. Just this once, let me do something for you?"

"What do you mean by that?"

After pushing him into the car, you tell the driver where to go. "You always say how much you admire the way I use my head and heart. But you always, always follow it up with, 'I'm not like that at all.' Well, I'm here to tell you that you can, too, you big oaf. And there's no one better to show you that you have a heart worth following that my mom and dad, so you're coming with me."

Knowing he has no power to refuse you once you've set your mind on something, the brunet follows you around the entire night. While you talk with your friends, while you cook with your mother, while you debate politics with your father, he enjoys it all. Seeing you with them, he sees how you've grown into the person you are today. These people have shaped you into the strong, independent, confident person you are, the one he's harbored feelings for in secret over the past few months. Through them--and you--he begins to see the world in a new light.

It's on that night, on the way home, that he asks you out for a first real date. He escorts you to your apartment, ensuring your safe arrival, and asks the question without any lead-up.

"How do you feel about a movie tomorrow?"

Though surprised, you can't help but smile from a few stairs ahead of him, putting you at equal height.

"That's an awfully normal thing to do on a Saturday night."

He gives a small smile and shrugs.

"What excuse can I give? Maybe you were right. Maybe I have a heart worth following, and right now it's telling me to spend as much time with you as I can. So...what do you say?"

"I say..."

You trail off, lean over to press a peck to his cheek, and stand back with a giddy grin plastered on your face.

"That you're pretty cheesy when you wanna be, Juminie."

"Is that a pet-name I hear?"

"Yep! And it's not going away any time soon. Pick me up at seven?"

"I'll be here."

You turn towards the door to your apartment, blowing a kiss in his direction as you slip away. Jumin stands there for another few seconds as you leave his sight, and--shaking his head--he turns back to the car.

"Confused and amazed, indeed."

[is0gild]

Ice Cream and Fire Oven Pizza - Chapter 27

Pairing: Elsa x Lea/Axel || Side Pairing: Riku x OC

Summary: Modern AU. She's an introvert ball of nerves who works at Ice Palace, a mall food court ice cream shop. He's the outgoing, sassy goofball who works at the Pizza Planet across the way. Hilarity, snark, and fluffy romcom hijinks ensue.

Word Count: 10,891

FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

Credit for super friggin’ cute and super friggin’ amazing cover art goes to the super friggin’ talented ky-jane here on tumblr!

You know that counting sheep thing?

Does. Not. Work.

Of course, maybe I'd be having better luck with it if I was able to go more than seven or eight sheep before my stupid brain would get distracted chasing some other wayward thought down the rabbit hole.

And it didn't help that there were so many wayward thoughts to choose from too. There was wondering when all that seething rage Grandfather was barely keeping in check was finally going to explode and murder me. There was confusion over Mother's actions and uncertainty as to which side she was going to end up being on, mine or that of the family's reputation. There was dread over the talk I was going to have with her and Father that had seemed to take so distressingly, painfully long to get here but now that the time was finally almost upon me, it suddenly seemed far too soon.

But probably the one that was eating away at me most of all, the one playing complete havoc with my nerves, the one that had kept me up tossing and turning all night long so far… was Anna.

I hadn't seen her for the rest of the party. To be fair, I hadn't stayed much longer after she'd fled from me. By that point, my capacity for human interaction had been maxed out and I'd needed to get out of there. Thankfully, Lea had managed to free himself from the clutches of my relations and had rejoined me, bearing two slices of cake. One look at me was all it took for him to know, then he was helping me make a quick exit. After escorting me back to my room, Lea had asked if I wanted company but I'd turned him down, saying I just wanted to go to sleep. He'd left me with a smile and one of the pieces of cake, which I'd set aside untouched on my vanity. From there, I'd changed into my nightgown and readied myself for bed, doing a poor job of it as I didn't even braid my hair. Then I'd turned off the light and crawled under the covers.

But I did not sleep.

Instead my mind whirled and raced and at the forefront of it all was Anna. What was it that had her so upset? Why couldn't she just tell me? How could it have caused such a drastic change in her attitude towards me? When had it even all begun? Was it something that she had been dealing with in silence, letting it fester for some time now and I just hadn't noticed until it'd gotten to be too much for her and she could no longer keep it hidden?

These were just a few of the questions that had kept me up. Were still keeping me up, even now as I spotted the first feeble rays of sunrise beginning to light the night sky outside my window. Honestly, this thing with Anna was stressing me out more at this point than even the idea of The Talk™ was.

But thankfully, all that sleeplessness hadn't been for naught! I had a theory now. I'd been over it again and again in my head. Mentally retracing and RE-retracing every step, every action I'd taken in the weeks between my wedding day and this very weekend, trying to figure out what it was I'd done, how I'd wronged my sister. And there was only one thing I could think of.

I should have called her sooner.

After running away, I shouldn't have waited so long to let her know that I was okay. God, she must have been going out of her mind with worry waiting to hear from me. I know I would've been, had our roles been reversed. And sure, she'd seemed fine that first day she'd tracked me down at the food court, not to mention every day that'd followed after that up to this point. But she'd probably just been keeping the fact that it had really hurt her to herself. And to make matters worse, I hadn't even ever apologized for how long it'd taken me to reach out to her. That's probably all I'd needed to do to make things okay - an acknowledgment of my thoughtlessness and a simple sorry. That was it. And it'd never even occurred to me to do that, not once, not until right now in the wee hours of early dawn.

True, it was all just a guess. But it's all that I had! Now then... how to make her feel safe and comfortable enough to open up and just tell me that? It's not like when we were kids and could just talk to each other about anything and everything. It's not like I could just magically make it all better like we'd always used to over whipping up a batch of-

I suddenly sat up with a gasp.

Because that's when I had it.

I knew what to do.

"Scotcheroos!"

"There you are!"

I didn't even glance up at the sound of Lea's voice, just paused long enough to sample a quick taste of the contents of my mixing bowl before scrunching up my face. "No, no, it's still wrong… maybe I just need to…" my muttering trailed off as I resumed pacing and stirring the concoction more furiously.

"Ya know, I take it back," he said, crossing his arms and leaning one shoulder against the kitchen door frame. "This place isn't a Clue board, it's a goddamn labyrinth. I've been wandering 'round lost in circles for who knows how long now. Luckily, I eventually came across a minotaur who I could ask directions. Good guy. Not at all as bullheaded as the stories would have you believe."

I was only half paying attention to what he was saying. Apparently, it wasn't the half that knew a lame pun when it heard it. Instead it was the half that marched up to him, shoved a small, chocolate-butterscotch coated spatula in front of his face and asked, "Does this taste right to you?"

He blinked, eyes flicking to the silicone scraper then back to me. Then he poked a finger to the goop and stuck it in his mouth. "...it tastes good?"

I huffed and pressed, "But does it taste right?"

"Yes?" he ventured a guess. I frowned and squinted up at him hard. "...and by yes, I of course mean no. Obviously!"

"I knew it!" I whirled around to slam the bowl down onto the counter. My hand came up to rub a curled finger over my chin as I groaned, "Ugh, what am I missing here?"

He was looking at me. At the nightgown I was still wearing. At my bare feet. At my hair thrown up into a loose, sloppy bun with several obstinate tendrils escaping to trail all around my face and neck. "...so is this where you've been hiding all morning?"

"All morning?" I laughed, shaking my head as I moved over to a second bowl on the stove top. Maybe I'd been on the right track with this earlier attempt. "Don't exaggerate, it's only-"

"Noon?" he offered with a half-shrug.

"Noon?!" I parroted back in disbelief. He nodded and I looked to the clock on the oven, which only further confirmed it. "But that's impossible, there's quite simply no way I've-" the words caught in my throat however, for all it took was one glance about the kitchen to verify that, yes in fact, there quite simply was way. My parent's home had a massive, king-sized kitchen to be sure but even so, I'd managed to cover almost every surface in it with many, many other bowls filled with all my previous discarded attempts. Oh gosh, you'd think I'd been at this all night, not just merely since the crack of dawn.

"Ya missed breakfast by the way," Lea said conversationally. "Man, was it awkward with only me sitting there with your folks, Gramps and a handful of your aunts and uncles. Lemme tell you, they're not as big of fans as you are of the Let Me Guess Your Fave Ice Cream game."

I winced, scratching my cheek with a tiny, "Sorry." Now that I thought about it, I did remember the cook bustling about in here as well at some point, probably making the breakfast Lea was referring to. She'd left me to my own devices, the kitchen being more than big enough to accommodate us both without getting in each others' ways. I'd only thought she'd been in here for a minute or two though.

He waved it off, "Nah, don't worry about it. I like to think your fam and I really bonded over all those crepes and long, uncomfortable silences."

I just gave a vague hmm in my throat, already distracted by the task at hand once more as I moved from one bowl to the next. This one? No… Maybe this one? No…

"I didn't know ya knew how to cook," I heard him say.

"I don't," I muttered, pulling a face at the peanut butter rice crispy batter in this pot, which was a whole other mess of problems. One minor catastrophe at a time, however. First I needed to figure out the topping, then I could work out the rest. I sidestepped to the next bowl.

Lea tipped his head to one side. "So then you just know the recipe for this one thing?"

"Not really, no."

His lips pursed to the right. "...struck in the middle of the night by the sudden, inexplicable but undeniable urge to teach yourself how to cook before the day's out?"

I paused, looking up to meet his gaze. "Yes."

He cocked an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Nope." And my search continued! Maybe in that pan over there…

"Okay seriously, whatcha doing?"

Ah-ha! Not the pan, but the gigantic bowl right next to it! I think this batch had been the closest so far. I picked it up and started walking towards Lea, declaring, "Scotcheroos!"

His brow furrowed, "Scotcha-wha?"

"Scotcheroos," I repeated, coming to a stop in front of him and shifting my hold on the container to one arm before stabbing a finger into the mixture. "Taste," I calmly demanded - his only warning before I suddenly stuck my fingertip drenched in sugary, chocolatey goodness into his mouth, forcing a small, strangled noise to choke out of his throat. Hand retracting, my eyes big and round and imploring, I asked, "What's the missing ingredient?"

"I, uh…" he cleared his throat, averting his gaze under my scrutiny as he rubbed at the nape of his neck. Then he snerked and grin, "Love?"

My eyelids drooped. "...not funny."

"It was a lil funny," he mumbled, making me scoff as I spun around and started pacing again, free hand coming up to clasp over my mouth as my index finger tapped the tip of my nose in thought. "C'mon, El, what're ya worried about? It tastes fine."

"But it doesn't taste right," I insisted, snatching up a clean spatula from a nearby utensil holder and feverishly stirring at the mixture. Was that helping? No clue. As previously stated, I didn't know the first thing about cooking. "And it has to. It must be absolutely perfect. You see, when Anna and I were children, Halima used to come over all the time and make these with us. Particularly whenever there was a squabble between us girls that she wanted to help settle. And these always, I don't know… helped… make things better. Somehow. So I thought that maybe… If I could just… Then possibly Anna would..." I stopped, puffed out a slow breath and regathered myself. "But it's been so long since she last made them with us and it just keeps coming out… wrong. I can't remember the exact recipe."

"Why not ask Halima?" he suggested, moving to stand opposite the kitchen island from me.

My eyes rolled as my feet continued to patrol back and forth. "What, at 6 a.m. when this whole madness began? Besides, I don't think she and Mattias even stayed here last night and I don't have her phone number."

"Well then, they have this fabulous invention called the internet."

"Don't you think I tried that already?" I swung up the spatula in frustration, sending some butterscotch-chocolate flying straight towards Lea. He ducked and it blurred over his head to splatter against a wall behind him. "But all the recipes out there are a little different, and none of them know Halima's secret ingredient."

He snapped his fingers, "Applesauce."

I froze midstep. Then I slowly turned to look at him, the hint of a smile tugging at one corner of my lips. "So you were listening last night."

"Course!" he beamed, hunching forward and propping his elbows on the island countertop, arms folded together. "Always do when ya got something to say."

I snorted, brushing the empty sweet talk off as I went back to pacing and stirring. "Anyway, nice try, but it's not like she uses the same secret ingredient in all her recipes. Hmm, maybe it was… honey? Or coconut oil? ...marshmallow cream...?" When I happened to glance Lea's way again, my feet came to a grinding halt once more as I gasped, "Sea salt!"

Both his eyebrows shot up his forehead. "As in the ice cream?"

"No, as in sea salt." Slapping the spatula down onto a counter, I started throwing open all the overhead cupboards in a frantic search. The upside of such a well-stocked kitchen was it had everything. The downside was it could be impossible to find the one thing you actually needed. But behold! Sea salt! There at last, in the ninth cupboard I'd check. But ugh, of course it just had to be on the top shelf, didn't it?

Swiping a finger over my cheek to brush a few strands of hair out of my face (which then promptly fell back into place), I secured the mixing bowl by hugging it tightly to my stomach with one arm while stretching the other up high over my head, reaching for the blue bottle. "It's probably not the ingredient, but it's at least one ingredient I forgot." Almost there…

A hand that wasn't mine suddenly appeared over my head to beat me to it, snatching up the little bottle of sea salt. I whipped around only to be greeted by the sight of a black band tee stretched snugly over a broad chest that I was becoming almost disturbingly all too familiar with at this point.

Pssst, Lea's eyes were up there, dummy.

Can you blame me, though? Really? I can't help it if the damn thing was always in my direct line of sight! Curse my genetics for making me so damn short!

I hastily looked up to meet his gaze as he offered me the sea salt. Gosh, he was so close. Really, the only thing separating us was my bowl. Beating my blush back with a proverbial stick, I gingerly took the small bottle with a soft, "Thank you." I then flicked the top open with my thumb and gave it a squint, wondering how much was too much. Welp, only one way to find out! I tipped it upside down over the mixture and let the pouring commence.

"So ya really think these Scotcha-thingies will get Anna to talk to you?" he shook his head slightly.

"I don't see why not." I kept dumping more and more out of the bottle. Better too much than too little, right? "It's always worked in the past. It'll work now. It has to."

"Yeah, but-"

"It has to!" I snapped desperately, slamming the bottle down on the countertop now with a loud bang that made me wince. Grimacing, I added more quietly, "Otherwise I don't know what else to do."

Lea frowned down at me. "...okay, real talk? How much sleep did you get last night?"

My nose wrinkled. "Zero, give or take an hour. Except not give, only take. Is it possible to get negative sleep?"

"If it is, you most certainly have," he snorted. "Alright, Missy, I think it's naptime for you."

A contemptuous huff escaped my nose. "Don't patronize me, I'm not a child. I'm fine."

"You have chocolate all over your face."

"I-?!" Embarrassed, my hand rushed up to scrub at my face. Lea's eyes crinkled and I could see him biting back a grin. When I lowered my hand to look at it, I figured out why. They were smeared all over in chocolate too, so I was probably only making the face situation worse.

He started lifting a hand towards me, then seemed to think better of it, using it to smother his smile instead. Then he asked, "Allow me?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. But then I sighed and tossed one hand up in an impatient gesture for him to get on with it. Snerking, he took the mixing bowl from my grasp and set it aside so he could step closer to me. His hand rose once more, gently brushing the curled knuckles of his fingers along my chin and across the tip of my nose, wiping away the smudges there. Was it just tired, sleep-deprived brain talking, or did he have that soft boyfriend look in his eyes again? Maybe he didn't even realize he was doing it. Maybe he'd forgotten how to turn it off at this point. Either way, that proverbial stick I'd mentioned earlier had snapped in two by now, making it impossible to keep the blush at bay anymore.

His hand cupped my cheek then, his thumb lightly stroking along my skin and leaving warm tingles in its wake. He let it linger there and I had to wonder at how stubborn that particular smear of chocolate must be. And still with that damn look. That thing could be considered a lethal weapon. Honestly, I was surprised I was still standing.

His lips parted, taking in a breath, about to say something and-

"Elsa dear." At the sudden sound of my mother's voice, Lea jumped and jerked back a step from me, swearing under his breath as he turned his back to us both, fingers viciously ruffling his crimson spikes. Mother arched one delicate eyebrow at me from where she had just appeared in the doorway. "Here you are. We've missed you all morning."

"Ah… yes, so I've heard. Sorry, I uh…" My hands self-consciously smoothed up and down my nightgown before clasping together as I took a quick glance about the kitchen. At the small mess I'd made here. Should I even try to explain? The more I thought about it, the more insane it sounded. "...just lost track of time, it seems," I finally settled on, hoping Mother wouldn't pry further.

Thankfully, she did not. Instead, she simply said, "Your father and I are ready for our discussion." She paused, giving my appearance a once over. "...perhaps you would like some time to freshen up first. You can join us in the Indigo Room in an hour." She tacked on a quick, "Lea," by way of greeting to him, bowing her head slightly.

"Ma'am," he returned with a weak chuckle and tiny wave. Then Mother turned and walked off, disappearing down the hallway. "Dun dun dun!" Lea mock chanted ominously, earning his shoulder a light smack from my hand and he sniggered.

Shaking my head, I muttered, "Well, guess I should go get changed."

"I'll meet ya outside your door when you're ready and we can take our lil stroll to the gallows together," he said brightly.

I gave a rueful smile, "You almost make it sound pleasant. Until then." On my way out, I ran across Gerda in the hall, who I asked to make sure no one tidied up the mess I'd left in the kitchen. Seeing as how it was a disaster zone of my own making, I preferred to clean it up myself later rather than make someone else do it. Then I headed up to my bedroom.

One would think I would be in a state of extreme panic now that the time of The Talk™ was finally upon me. However, as I switched out of my nightgown and got myself otherwise ready, I was oddly more just… numb. Huh. Perhaps I'd already used up all my crazy this morning and had nothing left in me to fret with. At least not right now, in the relative sanctuary of my old room. I'm sure I'd have no problem rustling up a fresh wave of cardiac arrest-inducing anxiety once I was standing in front of my parents.

But for now, I'd take comfort in this numbness. Who knew, maybe there really was nothing to worry about anyway. I'd been assuming the worst this whole time, but I honestly had no idea what this little chat was going to have in store for me. My parents had been doing too good of a job staying tight lipped and keeping their opinion on this matter to themselves. No big shock there, really. Who do you think invented the Conceal, Don't Feel mantra? My parents were the masters of that technique and had always been experts at keeping their cards close to the vest. But perhaps I was in for a pleasant surprise. Perhaps all they wanted to say was how proud of me they were for standing up for myself and how they would support whatever path in life I chose, as long as it made me happy!

...yeah right. All of Arendelle would freeze over in the middle of June before that happened.

Regardless, just under an hour later found me almost ready to go. I was somewhat more presentable now, dressed in a nice sundress I'd brought packed in my luggage for this weekend and with my hands and face washed clean of any remaining chocolate. I was just sitting down on the edge of my bed to tie my ankle boots when I heard my phone buzz. Retrieving it from my nightstand, one peek at the notifications informed me that Lea had sent a text:

Knock knock

I looked to my bedroom door. Then back to my phone, thumbs typing a message back.

Who's there?

There was a pause in his reply, so I tossed it onto the mattress next to me before reaching down to tug the laces of my boot tight. It wasn't until after I'd knotted the bow and moved onto the second shoe that my phone was vibrating again. I picked it up.

A dumbass

I quirked an eyebrow at that. Then tapped back:

A dumbass who?

I'd finished the other boot by the time his response came.

A dumbass who Bgan a knock knock joke w/o realizing it n so hz no punchline 4 u

One side of my mouth twitched up.

Wow, how embarrassing for you. They could revoke your snark license for that utterly epic failure.

I watched those three little dots bounce.

Shush n get ur butt out here alrdy

Snorting, I rose to my feet and pocketed my phone. A quick look around the room unfortunately revealed no further ways for me to procrastinate. Alright… guess it was time to get this over with. Heaving a heavy sigh through my nose, I exited the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind me.

Lea was waiting just outside, one shoulder propped against the wall to my left as he scrolled through his phone. Slipping it into his back pocket, he glanced up at me with a tiny smirk but then his spine snapped straight and his eyes widened. "That dress…"

"Hm? What about it?" I looked down at myself. There didn't seem anything particularly striking about it. Just a simple white sundress with a small purple diamond pattern decorating the hem at the bottom and- "Oh! Now I remember. This is the one you said I was wearing in your little fiction you cooked up about how we met, right?"

"Yeah," he smiled softly, scratching at a spot behind his ear. "It's as pretty on you as I, uh… imagined... it would be."

"Thanks," I ducked my head shyly. Luckily I'd had time in the past hour to tape and glue my proverbial stick back together, so I was able to thwack that blush down before it ever really had a chance to even get started. Peering back up at him once more, I couldn't stop a small huff of a laugh in my throat. "Is that what you're wearing? Really?"

"Gotta problem with it?" he shrugged cheekily. He hadn't changed since the kitchen. He was still in his faded band tee, ripped and ragged skinny jeans and steel-toed boots. And yeah, I get it, there was this whole badboy aspect he was going for to keep my parents from thinking they could scare him off. But at the same time, there had to be some sort of compromise, some sort of middle ground where he wasn't also provoking them and possibly making this upcoming conversation worse than it had to be.

Suddenly, he was snapping his fingers. "But wait, you're right! Be right back!" Then he was running off down the corridor back towards the guest room he was staying in. Since it was in the same direction we needed to go anyway for the Indigo Room, I just shook my head as I followed behind more slowly.

He was popping back out of his door just as I caught up. I took one look and wanted to facepalm. "Better?" he asked, smugly flipping up the collar of his leather jacket. "But wait, there's more!" Lifting the jacket up slightly revealed the return of that silly wallet chain hanging from his hip.

Ugh, I should have just kept my mouth shut.

"And the icing on the cake!" he reached inside his jacket and started pulling out the pink, heart-shaped sungla-

"No!" I darted forward, shoving them back into his inside pocket. Crud, these dumb things were becoming the bane of my existence. I pat my palm against where I could feel them on the outside of his jacket, saying sweetly, "Why don't we just keep those tucked away for now, okay?"

"You sure? Just trynta dress to impress!"

"But you're already so very impressive. Too impressive, in fact. My parents might faint from the sheer amount of impressiveness you already are."

"Woah, I'm even more impressive than I thought and that's saying something!" he chuckled. Then with a grin, he bent at the waist into a half-bow and flourished one hand out ahead of us. "Well then, shall we?"

I nodded and we set off down the hall.

We walked along in a companionable silence. Lea seemed to realize I was using this time to mentally prepare myself and bolster my emotional defenses. My mind kept going over it again and again. The exact words I wanted to say to my parents. It'd been something I'd constantly been turning over in the back of my brain ever since Friday evening's dinner. I had a whole little speech prepared. Must have ran through it a million times in the past two days. I had to, otherwise I would just be left stuttering and floundering and drawing a complete blank before my parents. It went a little something like…

Good afternoon, Father and Mother. How are you?

(Good opening. Solid. Cordial. A classic.)

As I'm sure we're all well aware, we're here to discuss the events of my wedding day.

(Straight to the point. Very concise and clear.)

First, please allow me to apologize. I deeply regret any pain and indignity my actions may have caused you or the rest of the family.

(And thus in one fell swoop, I've demonstrated sympathy and understanding, letting them know I acknowledge their feelings, their side of things. Was I killing it with this little speech or what?)

However, please understand that I quite simply could not go through with it. I didn't love him. I wouldn't have been able to make him happy, and he certainly wouldn't have been able to make me happy. It wasn't until I ran away from my old life altogether that I realized I just wasn't happy period. That I hadn't been for some time.

(A simple and straightforward statement of the problem. Plain and direct. Uncomplicated. How could they argue with that?)

I felt smothered. Like I couldn't breathe. I needed my freedom and getting away from everything I'd previously known helped me realize that. Living somewhere new, getting a job, forging out my own path in life… I've been much happier than I have been in a long while. This is what's best for me right now and I hope that with time, you'll come to realize that too.

(And just like that, a ready-to-go solution was presented to the aforementioned problem. The hard work was already done! All my parents had to do was just hear and accept that. Easy, right?)

Thank you for your time and consideration, I now open the floor up for further discussion and questions.

(...okay, maybe that last bit was a tad overly formal and unnecessary, but you get the picture.)

I think that covered all my bases. Sure, it didn't mention Lea at all. But it didn't totally negate the alleged role he'd played either, at least as far as my parents knew. I was hoping to maintain that little fib by just avoiding discussing it with them entirely. And sure, Lea would be present, but he was just going to be there as moral support for me and a deterrent for debate from my parents. Really, the focus of the talk shouldn't be on him anyway. It was supposed to be on me, on my feelings and why I did what I did.

I was able to rehearse my speech in my head a couple more times before we at last turned a corner and I spotted it.

The doorway leading into the Indigo Room.

Ah, there it was. The spike of adrenaline. That constricting of my chest. Right on cue, panic slithered in to encircle my heart, squeezing it, causing cracks in its protective little numb bubble, seeking entry. I gulped but kept walking, my step never faltering. My hand unconsciously found Lea's, causing him to shoot me a glance out of the corner of his eye. Then he smiled as he gave it a warm, tiny squeeze.

This was it.

There was no turning back now.

Just twenty more steps and I'd be through that door and facing whatever awaited me beyond. I screwed my eyes shut, going over my speech for the umpteenth time. These words were really the only things keeping me sane at this point.

Good afternoon, Father and Mother. How are you?

Ten more steps. My heartbeat thundered in my ears.

As I'm sure we're all well aware, we're here to discuss the events of my wedding day. First, please allow me to apologize.

Five more. I sucked in a breath and held it.

I deeply regret any pain and indignity my actions may have caused…

Three… two… O-

"Ah! There you are, my boy!"

The sudden, booming, and dare I say even cheerful voice had me stumbling and snapping my eyes open wide. Was that… I could have sworn it sounded like…

...Grandfather?!

He'd just come bursting through the very door we'd been heading for, with Father and the Duke walking out behind him as well. He was holding his arms wide open and had this huge smile on his face and- my god, was that an actual skip in his step?

Who was this man and what had he done with my grandfather?

...on top of that, I was just now discovering that Loud, Smiley Grandfather was way scarier than Quiet, Scowley Grandfather.

The maneuver was swift, calculated and efficient. He clapped his hands down on Lea's shoulders, catching him off guard as he spun him one-eighty, tearing his hand from mine. Then Grandfather was slinging an arm around Lea's shoulders all chummy-like. "Come! Walk with us, lad," he rumbled with laughter, forcing Lea into a staggering march beside him as he led him away. "Have you ever had a 1939 Macallan Scotch? Or a Gurkha Black Dragon cigar? No? Would you like to? How about right now?"

"Er…" still being all but dragged away, Lea glanced back over his shoulder at me uncertainly.

Bewildered myself, I just shrugged before gesturing for him to go along with it.

I feared Lea trying to resist whatever this was might risk poking the bear.

The Duke brushed past me to follow the two of them, posture rigid and face as crotchety as ever. Father was the last to go, gracing me with a brief smile. "Go on in. They're waiting for you," he nodded back towards the Indigo Room. Then off he went with the rest of the menfolk. Watching them go left me absolutely baffled.

What on earth had that been all about?!

I had nothing. Zilch. No plausible explanation whatsoever. Well, none except for-

Oh no.

They were literally about to murder him.

Think about it. It was the only thing that made sense! Why else would-

Wait… "they?"

That's what my father had just said, right? "They're waiting for you inside." His exact words. Who was this they? Shouldn't it just be Mother in there? Either Mother had had a change of pronouns and I was about to have a completely different conversation than I'd been expecting this whole time, or…

...someone else was in there with her.

Anna, perhaps? Yeah, that had to be it. After all, despite whatever her issue with me was currently, she was supposed to be there to have my back through this. And with Lea having just been straight up kidnapped, I'd need Anna's help more than ever. Yeah, that's probably all it was. Just Mother and Anna in there.

Hoping I was just being paranoid a second ago and Lea wasn't actually off somewhere getting assassinated this very moment, I shoved such thoughts to the back of my mind and prepared to go inside. I squared my shoulders, smoothed the nonexistent creases out of my dress, swept my braid-

Fudge, I'd forgotten to braid my hair! It was still up in that crude bun. Oh well, no time to fix it now. Hopefully it wouldn't come across so much as "messy" as just "stylishly disheveled." Regathering what little courage I could muster, I took a deep breath, clenched my hands at my sides and finally, at long last, stepped through that door into the Indigo Room.

It was a sitting room that lived up to its name. Everything was a rich shade of blue-violet from the walls to the carpet to the window curtains to the two couches taking up the middle of the room, facing each other from across the long coffee table between them. Sitting together in one of those sofas were three people. Mother - of course I'd expected her. Aunt Yelena - admittedly a bit more unexpected, but actually wasn't all that shocking. And... Maren? Okay, seeing her here actually did kind of surprise me.

But even more concerning than the people I saw before me now was the one person I wasn't seeing.

Anna.

Where was she?

Mother rose to her feet, a subdued smile on her face as she folded her hands in front of her just below her waist. "Elsa. Thank you for joining us. Please," she bowed her head slightly towards the couch across from her, "have a seat."

Perhaps a better question would be, what the heck was this?

...some kind of intervention? An ambush?

Oh gosh, was that why they'd taken Lea away? Had they just been trying to separate us so they could get me alone? Divide and conquer?

I stood rooted to the spot, not budging an inch. Aunt Yelena, usual stoic expression set firmly in place, said, "Maren dear, perhaps you could assist your cousin."

Maren grimaced, making a soft noise in her throat that was half huff, half growl. Then she stood, making her way over to me to take hold of my elbow, gently guiding me over towards the empty sofa. My feet dazedly followed. "Sorry," she whispered to me. "I didn't want to be here. Grams made me." She shot Yelena a sour look as she nudged me into taking a seat before rejoining the other two on the opposite couch.

Then everything fell silent.

Well... everything, that is, except for the hammering inside of my ribcage and the shallow, raspy breaths through my nose.

Alright, fine. So what if this wasn't exactly how I'd pictured it? So what if instead of my parents, I was facing off with some sort of, I don't know… matriarchy tribunal or whatever? So what if Anna wasn't here?

...why wasn't she here? She was supposed to be here! She was supposed to-

No! Stop it! Be strong! Be brave! You can do this on your own, Elsa. Remember the speech! Just recite those words you know so well by now and everything will turn out alright, you'll see. You got this!

Inhaling slowly through my nose, I began, "Good afternoon, Father and-" Shoot, I'd already screwed it up! Wincing, I stammered, "N-Not Father! Mother! A-And Aunt Yelena and Maren too, of course! Er… h-how are you? As I'm well aware, we're here to discuss my day." I blanched, looking down at my hands as they balled into trembling fists in my lap. "Wedding day! My… my wedding day. First, please apologize. Allow! Allow me to…" Ugh, so much for the speech. Why didn't I think to bring friggin' note cards? "...that is to say, I r-regret any actions my pain and indignity may have- wait! No, I-"

Yelena suddenly cut in with a blunt, "Does that boy have you on drugs?"

"What?!" my head shot up and I gaped at her. "I am most certainly not on-"

"It's okay, child," she held up a placating hand. "You're in a safe place. You can share the truth with us, we won't judge. Please, tell us how that boy has led you astray. Debauchery, intoxication, hedonism-

"Auntie," Mother interrupted her, placing a hand over hers as she shot her a small warning look. Then her full attention was on me again, her tone calm, as if she were speaking with a small child. "Elsa, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand. Believe it or not, I was young and impulsive too once. I've known men like Lea. Men who are handsome, who appear mysterious and dangerous and how exciting and… alluring all that can seem. It's just a phase, that's all. He's just a phase. But it's all over and done with now."

...a phase? "No, that's not what-"

"It's done now, Elsa," she repeated more sternly, expression hardening. "You just had to get it out of your system. And now that that little indiscretion is behind us and in the past where it belongs, we can forget all about it and you can get back on the correct course and fulfill your obligations."

"...get back on the…?" I echoed quietly, my brow furrowing. Then my head rocked back, gaze widening. "You don't mean-"

"Yes," Mother's eyes closed with a solemn nod. "Be grateful that your father and I were able to speak with his parents and smooth everything over. The wedding had to be rescheduled of course, but will otherwise proceed as planned."

"You still expect me to marry him?" I asked incredulously. This was absurd! Unreal! I'd even go so far as to say I must be dreaming, that this was literally a nightmare, except I would never be so lucky. I knew without a doubt that I was fully awake, that this was real life, and that this was exactly how my family worked. I shot up to my feet, "No! I'm a full grown adult, you can't just-"

"We can and we will! Sit down, you foolish girl," Yelena snapped dryly. "We are all in agreement here that-"

"We?" Maren grumbled, slouching down further into her seat, propping her temple against her fist as she glared down at the coffee table.

Aunt Yelena narrowed her eyes on her granddaughter. "Yes, we." Her cold gaze then shifted to lock on me once again. "We are all in agreement here that your actions have shown you to be too immature to be making your own decisions and so we must make them for you. You have let that delinquent cloud your judgment and good sense. Tell us, are you even so naive as to think yourself in love? Please, lowlifes like him merely take perverse pleasure in seducing and praying on young, innocent girls and using them until they grow bored and move on."

I'd lowered myself to the couch once more. I wasn't even sure when that'd happened. I didn't remember doing it. "...no, that isn't…" I began, but then stopped with a frown. This was all wrong. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to be going. It wasn't supposed to be about Lea. He wasn't supposed to be the main topic, just an obstacle. Well, my family had seen him as an obstacle alright - one they simply had to eradicate before everything went back to normal and I did as I was told. Shaking my head, I began again, "He isn't like that, but that's besides the-"

"Oh no?" my aunt quirked a disdainful eyebrow. Then to Mother, she said cooly, "Iduna, if you would please."

A look of unease flitted across Mother's face and she hesitated for a heartbeat. Then her hand was reaching down to her hip for something that'd been tucked away out of sight between her and Yelena. "I found this in your room," she said, eyes downcast as she laid the thing out on the low, hardwood table between us.

It was Lea's spiked choker that he'd left with me.

My fingers squeezed the edge of the couch cushions to either side of my knees. "You were going through my things?" I asked quietly, looking up at Mother. She avoided my gaze and said nothing. I felt a sharp, unpleasant twinge inside my chest.

...was this the real reason she'd come to visit me a couple nights ago? Not because she'd missed me or wanted some time alone with me, but to… snoop? What, to look for something, anything that could be used against me, no matter how small or ridiculous?

"I shudder to think what other horrors we might uncover in a more thorough search of whatever squalor you're using as a poor excuse for living arrangements at the moment," Yelena tsked. "Tell us, what other depraved acts did that boy use to beguile you? Substance abuse, carnality-"

"Oh god, Aunt Yelena, no!" I buried my face in my hands. I take it back… this was, in fact, a nightmare. This was ludicrous. All this fuss over a stupid, cheap piece of goth jewelry. Puffing out a breath, I gestured towards the collar, "That, right there? It's nothing. It was just a joke, okay? It's-"

"The crumbling state of your future is no joking matter, young lady!" she huffed back, for the first time showing a crack in her stone cold mask. "Look at you! I don't even recognize you anymore. Gone is the sophisticated and well-mannered woman we all nurtured and helped you grow into. We're left with nothing but this pathetic, disgraceful shadow of what you once were. Your actions are mindless. Your behavior is deplorable. Your appearance is appalling." My appearance? What on earth was wrong with- oh for the love of… curse you, you cruddy bun! I just knew you'd be my downfall! "There is little doubt in our minds that this is all that degenerate's doing. He's got you all turned around, making questionable decisions and not taking care of yourself. And you let him. Why? Just what do you have to say for yourself?"

It's funny… now that I was at last being given a real chance to speak, I found I could no longer string even two words together. My lips parted, but nothing came out. My throat had closed up, my voice had abandoned me. I glanced to Mother, but she still wouldn't look me in the eye. As for Maren, she just gave me the barest of shrugs and mouthed another silent 'sorry' to me.

My mouth was dry. Blood rushed in my ears. This was all wrong. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Leading my family to believe that Lea was my boyfriend had been a mistake. It hadn't helped, it'd only made things worse. Now I'd been backed into a corner where I'd either have to defend the lie or come clean with the truth, and I didn't see either option turning out particularly well for me. My hands were wringing at the skirt of my dress, mangling and abusing the fabric. The corner of my eyes stung. This should have all been going so differently. Lea should have been here. Anna should have been here. Where-

Suddenly the door to the room crashed open, making all four of us jolt. I twisted around in my seat to see Lea storming in, a dark scowl marring his features. I blinked.

He was angry.

I'd never seen him angry before.

I hadn't even thought a single angry bone existed in his body.

"Come back here, you vulgar, deadbeat hooligan!" the Duke snarled as he too came in, hot on Lea's heels, his mustache swishing in an agitated frenzy. Lea ignored him and kept going.

Grandfather was next to arrive. Gone was the smile from earlier, replaced by pure unadulterated rage as he roared, "We told you to stop! Did you not hear us?! Or are you as deaf as you are brainless?"

"Lea?" I asked as he at last came to a halt next to me, my wide eyes darting back and forth between him and them. "What's going on?"

"Get your things," he ground out through grit teeth, grabbing my hand and pulling me up to my feet. "We're leaving."

"Wha-?" That was all I got out before he was on the move again, tugging me into a stumble after him.

Grandfather and the Duke were still bellowing their outrage, hurling insults that were getting lost in a jumbled torrent of words as the two of them tried to talk over each other. By now, Father had entered the room as well but unlike the other two, he only narrowed his eyes and remained grimly silent.

"Lea," I tried again, my free hand going to his arm as I struggled to keep up with his long, hurried strides, "tell me what happened."

"Oh, I'll tell you what happened alright. What happened is Gramps here," Lea came to an immediate stop in front of the man in question, glaring daggers at him, "tried to pay me off to ditch you and disappear for good."

Both eyebrows shot up my forehead. "...Grandfather, is that true?"

"Of course it is!" Grandfather snapped, jabbing a finger into Lea's chest. "That's all you're looking for, isn't it?!" Another jab. "A nice, plump handout to make you hit the road and stop sullying my granddaughter's honor!" And yet again. "Well, what's the matter, dolt?!" Jab, jab, jab. "What, were you hoping for more munny?! Not enough zeroes for you on that check, hm?!"

Lea's right eye twitched. "Swear to god, Gramps, if you poke me with that fucking finger one more damn time-"

"You mean to tell me you didn't take the munny?" a new voice, slow and dubious, interjected into the conversation. We all turned to see that Aunt Yelena had left the couch to join us, squinting at Lea with a skeptical frown.

"Shit no! What's wrong, you buncha geezers, hearing aids on the fritz? How many times do I have to fucking say it?! I don't want a damn cent of your stupid, stinking munny. Next person to ask will hear me telling 'em just exactly where they can take their munny and shove it! C'mon El, let's go already!" And he was off again, charging out the door and taking me with him.

I had to hand it to Lea. The tension in his shoulders, the flaring of his nostrils, the flash to his green eyes… he certainly had the whole offended boyfriend act down pat. He'd almost even had me fooled for a second there, but clearly it was all just for show. I mean... pretty sure it was, anyway. It's not like he'd actually-

Thud!

That was the sound of me faceplanting into Lea's back as he came to an abrupt and unexpected stop just as we exited into the hallway. Ow. With a tiny wince, I looked past him to see what the roadblock was only to discover we'd almost had a head-on collision with-

"Anna?" I gasped softly. "Where have you-" The words died on my tongue.

She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other as a small, nervous smile flashed across her face. But that's not what I was looking at. No, what I was looking at was her shoulders. More specifically, at the arm wrapped around her shoulders. More, more specifically, at the person attached to the arm wrapped around her shoulders.

My eyebrows knit together. "...Hans?"

Hans Westergaard. That's right, those Westergaards. As in the owners of the multi-billion dollar corporation Southern Isles Exports. As in long time business partners and allies of the Fryse family stretching back generations upon generations. As in this was their son before me, right here, right now. As in a boy I'd known since I was a child and had grown up with into teenagers. As in the teenager I'd began dating in highschool and started calling boyfriend. As in the boyfriend who'd proposed and became my fiancé. As in the fiancé who I'd left at the altar.

...as in my now ex-fiancé who currently had his arm wrapped around my little sister's shoulders.

I don't know how long I just stood there, staring and not blinking. It felt like an eternity, like time was standing still. But in reality, it was probably only a second, maybe two before I heard myself asking, "...what is this?"

Hans visibly stiffened, awkwardly removing his hand from Anna. His fingers scratched against one auburn sideburn at his temple as he muttered to her, "You... haven't told her yet?"

"Told me what?"

I knew. Deep down inside, I knew. It was so painfully obvious now, how could I not? But still, I needed to hear Anna say it.

"Told you that…" she stretched the last word out before trailing off, gnawing on her bottom lip as she poked the tips of her index fingers together and her eyes darted frantically about. Finally, in a voice so tiny I almost couldn't hear it, she blurted out, "Hans is my new boyfriend?"

Annnnd there it was.

...wait, was this what she'd been freaking out about all weekend? It was, wasn't it? Oh gosh, it all made so much sense now! Why she always seemed to change the subject whenever I'd asked her about the new guy she was seeing, why she kept clamming up whenever I'd approached her, why she ran away practically every time I'd so much as uttered a single word to her. It wasn't anything I'd done, she was the one who felt like she'd-

...hang on, back up a second. Rewind to the conversation I'd just been having in the Indigo Room. Hadn't Mother said… I could have sworn… Had I misunderstood? No… no, I don't think so…

Pretty sure it had been stated in no uncertain terms that I was still expected to marry Hans.

But that didn't make any sense! Not unless-

I looked at her sharply. "His parents don't know. Father and Mother don't either."

"We don't what?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Mother's voice. I'd forgotten about her. Really, I'd forgotten about everyone else. Mother, Father, the rest of my family, even Lea who's hand I was still holding… every last one of them, completely wiped from my brain. For a moment there, all I'd been aware of was my sister, my ex-fiancé, and me. Now the rest of them were crowding out the door behind Lea and me, many still with scowls twisting their faces. Mother's expression, on the other hand, was that of surprise as she spotted who was standing next to Anna. "Hans? We didn't know you were coming by today. To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?"

As Hans gave a weak smile and struggled for some sort of polite response, Anna piped up with, "Could everyone excuse Elsa and me real quick? We'll just be a sec, promise!" She grabbed me by the arm and dragged me several steps away, leaving Hans looking rather distraught at being left to fend for himself before our family.

Well… our family and Lea, but I doubt Hans was going to be getting much assistance from that corner.

Once Anna and I were far enough away where a hushed conversation would not be overheard, she snatched my shoulders and whispered hastily, "Sis! I was gonna tell you, I swear! Mom and Dad too. But it just… it never seemed like the right time, ya know? I-"

"How long?" I cut her off, my voice flat.

Her forehead wrinkled. "...how long…?"

"How long have you and Hans been…" I looked away, my nose scrunching up slightly.

"Oh! After you two broke up, definitely, definitely after!" she insisted with several firm nods. Then her face blanched, "You weren't thinking that...that he and I would've... before you and he... No! No, we'd never do that to you! Not ever! Not in one billion, trillion years! Never, ever, ever, ever-"

"How long after we broke up?" I pressed, meeting her eyes now with a frown.

Here she grimaced, sucking in a breath through her teeth and turning her head away as she rubbed her elbow. "...the day after?"

...okay, I didn't mind the fact that Hans had moved on. It was actually almost kind of shocking how little I cared. I guess it was just further confirmation that I'd made the right decision by not going through with the wedding. Besides, how hypocritical of me would it be if I did care? Here I was, crushing on Lea for crying out loud! But that's all it was - a crush. And at least in my case, it'd taken several weeks to develop.

Hans had waited a day to move on. And he hadn't moved on with just anyone, he'd moved on with my sister. And since then, the two of them had probably been… doing things, ugh! To think, the guy I'd been engaged to for a year, doing god only knows what with my baby sister less than twenty-four hours after I'd-

...well, to be fair… he probably knew the "Lea and me" story by now, so he'd probably thought I'd been cheating on him for months now...

...then again, Hans didn't know about "Lea and me" the day after I broke it off. Heck, I didn't know about "Lea and me" the day after I broke it off! I didn't even actually know Lea then! So it's not even like Hans had had the moral high ground when he'd… when he and Anna had…

"-not like we meant for it to happen, it just sorta, ya know… happened!" Apparently, Anna was mid-babble as I tuned back into whatever she was saying. "I mean, I always thought his eyes were kinda dreamy, but he was your fiancé so I was all, woah there girl, hands off, no touchy, big friggin' no-no there! But then, all of a sudden, he wasn't your fiancé, and well… I was there, and he was there, and we just… happened!"

...there was something…

"And I wanted to tell you, oh my gawd, you have no idea how badly I wanted to tell you! I didn't want either of our parents to find out before you did, I wanted you to be the first to know and for you to hear it from me! But we just kept putting it off and off and off-"

...something… something my subconscious was trying to tell me right now…

"-and off until finally! This weekend! I said it's now or never, damn it! It was going to be Friday night, I was going to have him over for dinner with Mom and Dad at the same time you brought over Lea! But then I just… dunno, I chickened out and told him to stay away!"

...scratching, picking at the back of my mind…

"So then I said Saturday! Definitely Saturday! At Grandfather's birthday party! Think of it, it would have been perfect, like… like our grand debut! But then I friggin' wimped out again! I was just really scared how you might react… I didn't want to see you hurt or…"

...god, what was it? I almost had it, it was literally on the tip of my-

"But finally, I said you know what? I just gotta rip off that stupid bandaid! Today! It had to be today! That's why I brought Hans here, now, so we could finally just-"

"Why today?" I asked abruptly.

She blinked once, then twice. "...what?"

I fixed her with a hard stare. "Why did it have to be today? Why this weekend? Why… when Lea was here?"

She froze, eyes growing round. Then she was tugging at one of her pigtail braids, looking anywhere but at me. "I don't know what you-"

"This is why you convinced me to trick Father and Mother into believing I was dating Lea." My frown deepened. She flinched and said nothing. I was breathing heavily through my nose now as my chest burned. "It is, isn't it? You knew our parents wouldn't have approved of you two. That they still wanted me, as the eldest, to marry Hans. So you thought that... that if I showed up on their doorstep with a boyfriend who was their worst nightmare, that it would somehow… what, make you and Hans not look as bad? Lessen the blow? That Mother and Father would use up all their freaking out on me and have none left over for you?"

She gave a small "...no?" with a half-hearted shrug. My eyelids drooped. Then she sighed, "Okay, maybe a little bit… but that was just a small part of it! The smallest part! A teensy-weensy, itty-bitty smidge of it, I swear! The main, big reason I suggested the Lea plan was because I really thought it would help you! That it would be just the boost you needed to stand up to Mom and Dad and get you through this big talk with them and-" Anna's words drowned in sharp gasp. "Frick, the talk!" Her eyes drifted back over to where the rest of our family was still gathered. You could see her putting two and two together, could all but hear the gears beginning to turn in her mind. "...was that happening right now? I didn't miss it, did I?"

That was it.

Right there.

The last straw, apparently.

I was done. So done. Done with the lies, the expectations, the not getting any sleep, the panic, the stress, the fear, all of it… I just let it all go. I don't know how. I'd never been able to before. It had always seemed impossible, but now it was so simple, so easy. All of it, just gone with a tiny snap inside my brain. In its place, an almost eerie peace had settled over my heart. I knew what to do now. It was so clear, so obvious. I turned away from Anna and started to walk calmly back towards the others.

"Sis?" I heard Anna whisper after me, but I just kept going. "...Elsa? What are you-"

"Father. Mother," I came to a stop in front of them, pulling their attention away from whatever discussion they were in with the rest of the group. All eyes turned to me now. I could sense it in all of their looks - the curiosity from my parents, the thinly-worn patience of my aunt, the simmering fury coming off both Grandfather and the Duke in waves. Normally all of it would be enough to break me, but not this time. Instead, I just let it all wash harmlessly over me. I could feel Lea at my side and I took what little comfort I could from that. Then I drew in a long, deep breath and began.

"Lea and I aren't dating. We never were." I stated it simply, as if I were merely discussing the weather. Mother's and Father's gazes widened in shock while low grumbles and murmurs passed amongst my other relatives. I went on, "I didn't even meet him until after I ran away from my wedding. He's just a friend, one who was willing to go along with a ridiculous and what I can see now was quite honestly pointless plan.

"I didn't run away because of him, he had nothing to do with it. I ran away because of me. I did it for me. I wasn't happy. I didn't want it… not the wedding, not the life you'd laid out for me, not the future you'd so carefully planned, none of it. I needed to be on my own, I needed the freedom and space to make my own decisions and to be me, to decide what I wanted and what was best for me. It's my life. I get to decide how I want to live it and none of you get a say in it. Period." I stood a little taller now, hitching my chin and narrowing my eyes, "And if you don't like it, well then that's too bad."

A hush fell all around us. My parents' brows were furrowed as they exchanged glances. Father was the first to speak, "Elsa, perhaps we should take a seat somewhere and talk about th-"

"How dare you, you ungrateful girl?!" Grandfather suddenly erupted in a snarl, face a dark, blotchy red as he stomped forward. "I will not stand for such insolence in my presence! No granddaughter of mine is allowed to speak to us in such a manner ever, you hear me?"

My eyelashes twitched. An almost imperceptible wince. The only reaction I gave to his outburst. My gaze then shifted from him back over to my parents. Whether or not they were in agreement with Grandfather's statement, they kept it to themselves, remaining mute on the subject with small grimaces. Locking my eyes on Grandfather once more, I said evenly, "Very well then. I guess that makes me no granddaughter of yours."

I started to turn to leave, but then paused. Looking back to my parents one final time, I tacked on, "Oh, and the next time you try to marry me off to someone, you might want to make sure he's not in another relationship already."

Both their postures snapped straight at that. "Hans?" Mother asked, turning her focus on him now. "What does she mean by that?"

"I, uh…" he laughed feebly, sidestepping in a poor attempt to hide behind Anna. As for her, she just gaped at me as I turned my back on them all and walked away. I could see Maren out of my peripheral, her jaw slack as well, but with a smile tugging up at the corners of her lips as she brought her hands together in a slow, silent clap.

"You stop right there, young lady!" Grandfather was shouting after me, but I did not stop. "You will do as you're told or so help me, that's it for you! Step one foot outside this house and you're cut off! Disowned! We'll have nothing more to do you with, you hear me?! Nothing!"

Still, I kept walking. I could hear a single pair of footsteps behind me. Once they caught up to walk along beside me, I glanced over, knowing I'd be greeted by Lea's grinning face. I told him, "You can put them on now."

He cocked his head at my words. But then it clicked, and his grin stretched wider. "You sure?"

"Positive," I said flatly, staring straight ahead once more. I could still hear Grandfather yelling his tantrum after me back there. "Go nuts."

"Oh hell yeah!" He reached inside his leather jacket, whipping out the heart-shades and slipping them onto his nose. Then he spun into an about-face, striding along backwards next to me now. "Suck it, bitches!" he crowed back at them all, throwing his hands up to flip the double bird as we turned to disappear around a corner.

That's right.

Suck it, bitches.

Author's Note: So THAT's why Anna's been acting all squirrelly! How 'bout it ya'll, didja see it coming from a mile away? xD Hopefully I surprised at least one or two of you with that lil twist xP And oh gosh, when it rains, it friggin' POURS! So much being thrown at Elsa all at once xD Hope the drama turned out okay! As you've read through 27 chapters of my writing by now (at least! I'm sure there's those of you who've read my other stuff too tho xP), you've probably gathered by now that I'm more about the sass, humor, and mindless fluff and less about… *gestures towards last half of above chapter* THIS. But I did the best I could and that's all anyone can ask for! Also… those damn heart-shaped sunglasses, I swear xD They were just supposed to be a one time throw away gag for the yacht chapter, but apparently my Lea muse liked them so much that he kept finding an excuse to bring them back every damn chance he got! It wasn't supposed to be a running gag, it really wasn't! But hot damn, if the Fire Boi wouldn't look good in those puppies xD

So, it's official… Elsa is finally done with all of it. Done with the lies, done with the family BS, all of it. Next time, what's she gonna do now that she's finally at long last well and truly free? So many possibilities! Where will she go? What will she do? Will she and Anna ever be able to patch things up between them? What's next for her and Lea now that their lil fake dating scheme is kaput? DOES that sheep counting thing ACTUALLY work for anyone? I mean, seriously?! Stay tuned!

Thanks for reading, I super duper appreciate it! And an extra BIG thank you to those of you who’ve liked, reblogged, and followed so far, seeing those lil notifications always brings the biggest, goofiest smile to my face!

FIRST CHAPTER || PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

[astrarche-x]

Six of Crows (+ Crooked Kingdom)

If somebody gave a penny for my thoughts on books, I’d have zero pennies, but here are my thoughts anyway!

It’s not a very spoiler-heavy note.

I know I’m super late to the party, but it’s only a month left to read the book before the show is released and that was a motivation to finally read it. (That and the fact that I have 3 written assignments due the end of the week). 

- I haven’t read the Grisha trilogy, but Six of Crows was perfectly understandable without it, so that’s an asset. I wouldn’t mind knowing more about the war in Ravka, but generally it was ok.

- Found family in a juvenile delinquents gang is one of my favorite tropes in fiction and this book is all about that, so I was absolutely delighted. I liked how it wasn’t very obviously sugar-coated - obviously it wasn’t horribly realistic (I guess), but it avoided the Robin Hood or “criminal with a heart of gold” trope and that was nice, because it would reek of moralism.

- I liked the descriptions of the architecture etc. and could almost feel myself walking through the streets of Ketterdam. But the descriptions of Fjerda were very inconsistent to me in regard to the rest of the novel - I kinda felt like I was thrown from historical fiction to sci-fi (all that laboratory stuff) and that was weird.

- The action was very well-paced - without unneccessary delays and plot detours, but at the same time giving the characters and the reader time to breathe and bond. The only aspect I wasn’t satisfied with was the ending - it was too easy to predict the plot twist and it drained away the suspense and the sense of high stakes. And while some could say that it means that the writer set it up well, I think it would be better if it was unexpected, especially given that it’s not the kind of plot twist that changes the reader’s perception of the whole book, it just marked the turn in the action.

- post-CK addition: in Crooked Kingdom I felt that the action was moving a lot faster and left me quite exhausted at times. The moments to catch a breath were a bit too rare, but at least exuisite every time.

- While I’m rather glad that the “multiple POV” trend is dying, it was pulled off well in “Six of Crows”, because the narrative was in 3rd person. That allowed readers to switch rather effortlessly between the chapters while still directing their focus to a particular character.

- the characters, aka the best thing in this book: they are all lovable in their own ways and honestly I can’t decide who’s my favourite (jk jk it’s Matthias and Inej). I think that the number of characters is just right, not too big and confusing, but allowing for diversity in narratives. I only had an impression that characterization of Wylan was dropped halfway through the book and he’s been a plot device for solving technical problems most of the time, which is kinda sad. Also his change in personality was a bit unexpected. 

- post-CK addition: ok, Wylan got his POV & his development, but I still feel like 75% of his character are family problems. I hope that maybe a reread in a few months will make me appreciate him more. 

- Nina and Matthias: my absolutely favourite subplot (and ship in this book). It’s been a while since I’ve read so well executed enemies to lovers. The emotional and sexual tension between them! The desire to love vs the memory of past wrongdoings! The wish to trust and be vulnerable again vs the fear of betrayal! Them disagreeing on fundamental issues but finding points of mutual understanding nevertheless! Them caring for each other more than they care about their causes, even though the causes are everything! The banter! I just... can’t. Their story is such a good blend of cuteness and dark themes. I found it extremely interesting when the first chapter from Matthias’ POV showed how he was kinda deranged by his stay in prison and his desire for revenge and for love that were knit together so thight. Whereas he more or less regained his sanity as the book progressed (I wish it was more developed) he was still very much not in the best mental state and that made him a wild card, so the plot twists involving him were convincing. I also think that his disillusionment with his religious militia was quite well-written (as for an adventure novel, that is, where it was not the main plot). I liked how Matthias was trying to play 4D chess with the rest of the crew with his schemes and Nina joined him in part. Also the scene when the Crows try to get back to their ship in Fjerda and Nina gets shot, but heals herself so fast... Damn, that was some king shit. I love their dynamic, even though it’s the epitome of problematic(tm) by tumblr, but oh well, I’m all in for eros/thanatos motives and some good chemistry. One thing I feel their relationship lacked were the sex scenes - this is probably due to the book being technically YA (and that’s another reason why writing it for a bit older audiences would be ok), but both Nina and Matthias are so horny for each other that I find it impossible that they’ve never had sex. 

- post-CK addition: my heart is broken but Matthias’ character arc? Pure gold. I was so proud when he started questioning his religious beliefs and tried to reconcile them with his love for Nina. Love one redempted magic fascist. Also poor Nina... I still kinda don’t understand why their subplot had to end like this - and it’s really tempting me to read King of Scars.

- Inej’s moral/religious dilemmas were so good and I identified with them a lot (not that I’ve killed someone, but still). Also I found her characterization to be top notch, because she clearly isn’t an extrovert, but is not reduced to “i have no social skills” stereotype. I love her. 

- Kaz was a briliant character and his plans were so well written... But I have one issue with them: especially in Crooked Kingdom, when there’s a plot twist, it’s usually revealed to be just another layer of Kaz’s plan. When does he have the time to set it all up? I know he barely sleeps, but still, it feels like it kinda gets out of nowhere. But generally I’m all for scheming, ass-kicking gang boss. I also like the fact that he was still a very skilled fighter despite his disability, which allowed the author to escape the “disabled body means he can only use his mind” trope (which is justified sometimes, but still). And his trauma was so well-written... Honestly, the first full flashback with Kaz clutching to Jordie’s decaying body was one of the two most disturbing scenes in the novel (the other being Kaz ripping Oomen’s eye off) and I kinda wasn’t prepared for this. On the other hand, the bathroom scene in Crooked Kingdom with Inej? It was so beautiful, so well-crafted, so intimate; I felt the world stand still for a while. 

- me looking at Jesper: adhd

 I found him very relatable in terms of escaping his problems and felt sorry for his gambling addiction. But I wish his struggle over his powers was more expanded - he is shown being in two minds about this, but we as readers don’t really get full insight into the pros & cons of both option. But maybe it’s just the character’s specific way of going more by gut feeling and I’m being picky.

- a pet peeve of mine: if the author was really going so hard for the tzarist Russia vibe for Ravka, why did she name her character “Zoya Nazyalensky” and not “Zoya NazyalenskA” or, even better, “NazyalenskAYA” as it should be? C’mon, names ending in -sky have their female counterparts and it’s not hard to understand. 

- what was a bit of obstacle to immerse myself fully in the Six of Crows was the fact that the whole novel was so well-planned and logical that I sometimes felt like watching the author’s creative process unveil - and while it would be helpful if I was looking for writing tips, I was there to have good fun and forget about my assignments, so it kinda got in the way. It was like “ok, I want them to get inside the prison... but how they’re going to do it? Ha, I know: the jailers’ carriage. Next: what happens next in prisons? Oh right, they will be searched and... probably put in new clothes. So no clothing and no weapons means it’s time for Jesper’s big reveal. This is where I pepper in his crush on Kaz. I can cross this off the list of his character development now”. The Crooked Kingdom was better in this aspect - as the characters’ subplots were more separated and the chronology was going in loops (character A’s POV ends with all people parting ways --> character B’s chapter describes their mission --> character C’s chapter starts again at the end of character A’s POV), it was more natural and captivating read. 

- Kuwei was... very forgettable. I actually for most of the time totally forgot he was a character. I know he wasn’t a main character, but I feel like I know more about Specht and Rotty, some totally secondary gang members, than him. 

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

[harmcomforts]

okay i have a more detailed idea of this group slasher verse i want to bring to life. if you’re interested at all feel free to like this or im me! 

windsor college - a slasher group verse

plot: 

windsor is a college located in a small town of the same name. 

everyone has just recently come back on campus for classes for the fall 2020 semester. 

upon returning to their dorms/apartments, our muses received messages from an unknown number saying the following: this year is different, watch ur back. 

thinking it was just some weird prank, most of them laughed it off, but some of them were a little freaked out by it. regardless, by the end of that first week back all of them ended up at a party thrown by senior aaron cartwright, president of his frat and occasional douchebag. they could never have predicted that the night would end with him being found dead in the freezer in the frat house’s basement. 

everyone was reasonably rattled by this development, but even more so when it was found out that he had been stabbed and it was a murder. 

the group received another text the night after it was announced that the university was investigating a homicide. it read: ur next. 

info:

the goal is for this main big plot to be a limited run thing, so we’re gonna try and aim to end things after halloween bc that’s when i think the last big event will take place. 

this is gonna take place on tumblr and discord!! so we’ll have the option for group threads (with the killer and without), a group chat and big events there and smaller stuff here while dealing with the aftermath of certain things and developing certain connections. 

one of the muses in the group is going to be the killer. i’ll have to know for the sake of running the discord and stuff but my muse won’t be able to solve it and won’t know anything more than yours, but the mystery of it is fun. 

i think i’m interested in having 6 muns with maybe up to 2 characters each, but i’d also do 4 with 3 possible characters each, depends how many people are interested. 

characters:

right now i’m thinking i would bring in diego (henry zaga fc) and nyssa (jessica alexander fc)

[antigenius]

A/n: DJJDNFM SECRET SANTA FIC PART 1 NSFW PART WILL COME LATER SINCE TUMBLR WONT LET ME FO THE KEEP READING THING- @bnhabadass I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS KSKFMFMF

I'm Better

Bakugou X reader X Todoroki

Warnings: slight cussing, makeout sesh?

“Hey, how do I look?”

The scarlet halter dress flowed gently behind you, red lace enunciating your figure beautifully. A crimson satin bow tied around your waist to draw some curves, paired with gold ear cuffs and white flats with a bit of a wedge, just to keep your posture straight. Your auburn dyed hair was done up with a cute holly scrunchie, matching with the golden holly bracelet you had gotten while impulse buying online. The only formal winter wear you had was a leather jacket though, so you just had to hope it would go well with everything.

Toru’s jaw dropped at the sight of you, not that you could see though.

“Noraaaa!!!” She gushed. “You look so prettyyy!!!!”

You laugh, smiling at her. “Thanks, you too. Now let’s go before Mina uses all her credit to give me missed calls.”

It was a frosty Christmas eve. The snowflakes were floating down, leaving a white carpet in its wake. It had been a while since you all graduated and went your separate ways. The girls did meet up every once and a while, but with all of you being pro-heroes, that once in a while slowly became once in a blue moon. You never really kept up with lots of the boys, exceptions being Sero as you both worked in the same hero company. Basically, you had all grown distant in person. You all talked in a group-chat though, and through that, someone suggested that you’d all meet up for Christmas. Cue Momo sending her address, Sato saying he’d bake, cheers from all students and Mineta quietly rejoicing from the thought of getting kissed by the girls under the mistletoe.

And so here you were, standing outside Momo’s mansion of a home. The lights were leaving you awe-struck and unable to move due to your nostalgic whiplash.

Also due to the fact that it was literally three degrees celsius outside and your feet were probably frozen to the ground.

Once you did get inside though, your jaw hung at the subtle, yet tasteful decorations inside her house. Holly was hung literally everywhere, and you had to make sure you weren’t standing underneath one or that Mineta wasn’t close by if you wanted to survive.

The party was actually quite fun. You were standing idly, talking to Tsuyu until you were suddenly tugged by the invisible force that is Toru.

“Wh-“

“They’re playing seven minutes in heaven!! C’mon!!”

You were led towards a misshapen circle, consisting of the bakusquad, parts of the dekusquad, Jiro, Momo and Ojiro, who was just spectating. Mineta had, thankfully, passed out from drinking too much eggnog. The rest of the class were more content playing cards someplace else or chatting than to contend in such childish games. You shrugged. You had just been drinking and chatting the whole night, some games and laughing would be fun right?

Well you weren’t wrong…

“Step up, step up!” Mina called, pink hair bouncing in excitement. “All of you playing seven minutes in heaven, put in a little something something for the boys to pick!”

As soon as she said that, she produced a cute satin number from behind her back, twirling it around her finger with a wink. Your cheeks warmed almost immediately. Ooookay, maybe not what you had in mind with fun, but with alcohol in your system, decent decisions were thrown out the window. You followed the rest of the girls to the bathroom so you could all deposit your undergarments into the cloth bag. Mina grinned.

“Thank you!~”

She then shook the bag vigorously, mixing the content inside like she was making a martini for James Bond himself. Once she was done, she opened the bag and mixed it around manually, just to make sure.

“Alright boys, take your pick!”

Bmp bmp, bmp bmp, bmp bmp, bmp bmp.

Your heart thrashed against your ribcage as you watched the boys plunge sightlessly for a lucky dip.

“Right, shall we go clockwise?”

… Guess it wasn’t such a bright idea to sit at the edge.

“Nora!~ Which of these lucky boys has got yours?” Mina asked with a tipsy giggle. You got up, looking at the boys who had the panties in their hands. When you found yours, you sucked a quick breath between your teeth, eyes slowly locking with the vermillion ones that stared you down. You could feel everyone’s gaze on you as you pointed at Bakugou. Oohs and whistles erupted from both sides as Mina grabbed the both of you by the collar.

“Alright lovebirds, into the closet you go!”

Before you could even react, the doors were closed behind you, muffling the chatter from the group. The closet was dark, you could hardly see your own nose, let alone see Bakugou. You were glad though, it meant he wouldn’t see your beetroot excuse of a face.

“You gonna make a move or what, slowpoke?”

His grunt made you blink out of your daze. Your next words tumbled out of your mouth pretty quickly, without really thinking.

“You actually want do this properly?”

He was silent, then he laughed, a barking laugh that only made you fear for your life more.

“I’m no wuss. Plus, I made a bet, and I’m not willing to lose it.”

You were about to ask what bet this was, but he had pushed you against the closet wall with a thud.

“This’ll be your best kiss yet.” You could faintly see him smirk in the pitch-black darkness. “So savour it, stretchy.”

With that, he smashed his lips onto yours, hot, silky tongues curling together like a messy tango. His hands roamed your figure, leaving you to writhe and whine under his touch.

“Kat… Suki…” You pant as he moves from your lips down to your neck, biting harshly, then soothing it with a couple licks and open kisses. His treatment was intoxicating, it took you everything not to just crumble under his touch. You run your fingers through his hair and grip tightly as he snakes his hands down your inner thigh…

“Time’s up guys!! Come on out!”

The door opened, bright light blinding you. The marks on your neck were as clear as day. Bakugou walked calmly back to his spot. You, on the other hand, were flushed. Face stained red, you sat back down, hiding your face in your hands.

“Wow… He really went for it, huh Nora?” Toru said as she examined the marks curiously. The statement only made your face grow redder.

“Hey stretchy,"

You look up from your embarrassment to be hit in the face by your panties. If you could feel anymore humiliated now, you’d probably just stay red forever.

The rest of the pairs made you calm down and laugh again though, joining in with the oohs and aahs, watching everyone come out of the closet all scruffy and roughed up. Mina waved the bag around again, eyes twinkling.

“Who’s up for another round?”

You were about to get up and just spectate, but Toru raised your hand for you.

“Hey!-“

“Come on Nora!! One more round!” She pleaded. “You probably won’t get Bakugou again, so it won’t be that embarrassing, right?”

You hesitate, then sigh, back hitting the couch wearily. Toru cheers, hugging you tightly while Mina announces the next round.

“Alright!!” She shakes the bag again. “Boys, it’s your turn to put in something for us girls to pick!”

Cue the boys putting in their boxers for Mina to mix up in the bag. The girls carefully felt around whilst you just kinda took one out. It was a Calvin Klein branded boxer, in simple black and white. You wondered whose it was, but you figured it was probably Denki’s or something. It was… Big though. Lewd thoughts scattered through your mind as you shook your head. There was no need for those thoughts! Not like you were gonna get laid anyway. You watched the pairs go in and out, the closet seeing much better days than this.

“Shouto, you’re up!” Mina was pretty much a firecracker at this point, hyper and bounding like an energetic puppy.

The bi-coloured male got up, walking towards the girls to find his boxers. He stopped dead at your figure, glancing at the undergarment in your hand. He didn’t seem miffed about that though.

“Nora, huh? Luckyyy!!” Mina shoved you once again into the darkness. “Don’t have too much fun you two!”

The pitch-black darkness encased you again, but you were already accustomed to the feeling, having done it once. You bit your lip, guess you had to do something, right? You felt a hand beneath your chin, tilting it up.

“I hope you can forgive me Nora.” His deep voice sending tingles down your spine. “I’m not too experienced when it comes to romance.”

His lips press gently against yours, stealing all the breath in your lungs. His touch was soft, unlike Bakugou's. He let his hands wander down to your ass, squeezing it softly and making you gasp. His hands were cold, making you shiver into his touch while your whole body felt hot and flustered. His swollen lips then suckled your neck, making you hold onto him firmly for support.

“Shouto, fuck…”

Your core was pulsing dully, arousal pooling at your legs. Almost too soon, the light shone upon the both of you as Mina opened the doors.

“Seven minutes are up guys!”

… Inexperienced your ass.

You sat back down, warm and bothered. You were not going to be able to concentrate or talk properly for the rest of the night, that was sure. The rest of the party went pretty good nonetheless, laughter and cheer prominent. You were enjoying your umpeenteenth glass of eggnog by yourself to cool down when you were suddenly grabbed by the arm.

“Don’t ask. Just follow.”

You gulped the remaining eggnog in your mouth while following Bakugou to a room far away from the other patrons of the party. It made you feel hot again, but you were more terrified than anything.

He led you in, locking the door behind him. Shouto was sitting on the bed, watching the two of you from since you walked in. The two stare at you.

“So, who’s better?”

…

…

…

… What?

“I’m sorry, come again?” You say, wondering if maybe you were just so drunk you couldn’t hear right.

“Who’s better?”

“At what?”

“Don’t play dumb stretchy.”

You blink. “I have literally no idea what you guys are talking about.”

Shouto pressed his lips together to try and suppress his laughter at how angry Bakugou was getting. “Yaoyorozu told us you liked the both of us in high school, so we decided to bet on who you’d like better.”

It took you a moment, then you felt your ears burn with shame. “A-ah… That.”

“So,” Shouto got up from his position and stood in front of you. He had grown taller since your first year together, towering over your figure, “who did you like best?”

Your mouth was dry, unable to speak.

Bakugou tsked. “Obviously it’s me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Quit whining Half’n’half, just accept you lost.”

“When it’s so clear that I’ve won? Please.”

The two bickered as you softly mumble an answer. They stopped as soon as you spoke, looking at you.

“What did you say?”

“I… Can’t choose.” You screw your eyes shut. “I dunno, you were both good? A tie?”

The silence that hovered over the three of you was heavy. The air was so thick with tension that if you had a knife, you were certain that you could essentially cut out a piece of the air if you wanted to. After a few minutes passed, Shouto looked over to Bakugou, lips curling.

“Rematch?”

“It’s on.”

You gulp.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter seventeen (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr: plastiquetiaras) | word count: 5317

AN: thank you so, so much for all the continued love on this fic. it makes me so happy and my heart so full. writ is a wonderful beta <3

(then)

“We’re thinking of staying late tomorrow after Respirology to practice for the bellringers. You in?”

Brooke shrugs at Steve’s question. “Sure.” It’s not like there’s anywhere else that she has to be, anyway.

“Sweet. We need your genius brain.”

“I’m not a genius-”

“Yeah Steve, she’s not a genius. She tried to push a ‘pull’ door like, half an hour ago.” Jon snorts.

“Hey.” Brooke swats Jon’s side, sticking her tongue out at both Steve and John when they start snickering. “Sometimes doors are hard.”

It only makes sense that Brooke’s naturally gravitated towards the other gays in her class. It’s nice, not having to hide anything around them. Not that she really has much to hide in the first place.

“Bring Vanessa this time. You never shut up about her, I wanna meet her.”

Steve’s question makes Brooke bite her lip. She’s been telling the two of them that Vanessa’s been too busy to actually come to any of their sessions, to ever double date. Except the truth is that she hasn’t even asked Vanessa in the first place.

Brooke doesn’t know what’s stopping her, really. It would be nice for her girlfriend to meet some of her med school friends.

Except her and Vanessa have been…weird. Brooke doesn’t want to bring up med school things because she can see the light dim behind Vanessa’s eyes every time that she does, a reminder that Vanessa didn’t get in while she did.

So maybe, it’s just better to ignore everything. Not talk about it. Walk on eggshells.

How hard will it be to do until the end of med school, anyway? At least until Vanessa gets in somewhere next year.

God, Brooke hopes that Vanessa gets in somewhere next year. For her own sanity, more than anything else.

“She’s real busy with fourth year. They’re having midterms right now.” Brooke’s not sure if Vanessa actually has midterms at the moment, but the timing lines up from when she herself was in undergrad. It’s not like she’s going to ask Vanessa, either.

“Okay, after then. Are the two of you the type of nauseatingly gay couple that can’t keep their hands off each other?” Steve punctuates his question by wrapping an arm around Jon and pulling him close by his neck, making him scowl.

“Get off me-“

“Never.” Steve leans over to ruffle Jon’s hair, making him immediately protest, muttering under his breath.

Brooke has to hold back a laugh. Jon and Steve are the boy equivalent of watching two Detoxes interact with each other. She loves the sight.

“Nah, we’re not like that. No overt sappiness.” It’s not a lie, not really. Her and Vanessa aren’t overly nauseating anymore.

So what if they used to be the couple that would make all of their friends pretend to fake barf from how soft they were with each other? They’re not the Brooke and Vanessa that they used to be. Brooke’s not quite sure who she has to blame for that.

Maybe herself, a little bit. For snapping at Vanessa the other day for being so bitchy and short with her when she hadn’t even done anything, for treating her like shit. But then she had also brushed off Vanessa’s worries about one of her fourth year courses, forgetting to help her with the assignment she was stuck on because someone in her class had thrown a party to celebrate finishing their first set of assignments. So what if Vanessa had already been asleep by the time she had come back?

Maybe they’re both to blame.

But it’s fine, they’ll be fine. They’ve been fine for three years and counting, and they’ll continue to be so.

Right?

“And here I thought lesbians moved in and got married after knowing each other for like, 48 hours. Breaking stereotypes and all that, huh?” Steve raises an eyebrow as he flips through the textbook in front of him, ignoring the way that Jon is poking his side for the fun of it.

Brooke snorts. “To be fair, we did move in together after first year of undergrad, but that’s only because we were both moving out of dorms.”

Steve gives her a look. “And?”

“And maybe we wanted to live together. God.” Brooke rolls her eyes when Steve points a finger towards her.

“Aha! Do you two have a hoard of cats, too?”

“Yeah, we have two-”

“So you two really are stereotypical lesbians. How wholesome.” Jon pretends to place a hand over his heart.

“Insufferable, the both of you.” Brooke can’t help her grin, though. Her friends may be stupid, but she loves them.

Brooke almost doesn’t want to go home when they finish off their study session in the library, the setting sun mirroring the feeling of dread that’s beginning to take over her chest.

Riley lets out happy yips when she unlocks the door, nearly falling over from how hard his tail is wagging. She rubs his belly, giggling as he rolls over.

“Hey.” Brooke calls out to their apartment. She’s not sure if Vanessa’s home or not. Truth be told, she hasn’t really looked at Vanessa’s schedule enough for this semester to know it well.

“Hey.” Vanessa’s voice is distracted as she types away on her computer while sitting at the kitchen table.

Brooke walks over to her, placing a kiss onto the top of her head out of habit and ignoring the way that Vanessa doesn’t turn around to face her and grin, the way that she always used to. It doesn’t matter, really.

“How was class?”

“Okay.” Brooke pulls out a plate from the cupboard, intent on pulling out leftovers. “Had a guest speaker. Some guy talking about patient safety.”

Brooke doesn’t elaborate much. It’s not like Vanessa’s going to care, anyway.

“You?” Brooke keeps it light, as light as she can, as if it’ll keep the delicate glass that’s built up between them from shattering and slicing them both.

“Still working on applications. Finished all my essays.”  

“I thought you’d finished them all last week.” Brooke tilts her head, and can feel her brows furrowing because she remembers Vanessa’s whoop of delight and the way she had closed Microsoft Word with a flourish.

“I, uh. Applied to some more.” Vanessa doesn’t look up, keeps her eyes on her screen, though Brooke can see how she’s fidgeting.

“But there’s only a few in Ontario-”

“Outside of Ontario. Outside of Canada, actually.” Vanessa looks up at Brooke then, her expression one almost of challenge, of asking Brooke to protest what she’s said.

Brooke doesn’t want to take the bait, but she can’t help it. “Where outside of Canada?”

Outside of Canada would mean that Vanessa wouldn’t be nearby. But maybe Vanessa’s applied to schools near the border, ones that are driving distance and so they really wouldn’t be too long distance-

“California. LA.” Vanessa fiddles with her watch. “Got a cousin that lives there, finished school there. Big doc there. So I have an in.”  

“Oh.” Brooke doesn’t know what else to say. California? Would Vanessa really go all the way to California?

“It’s just a backup.” Vanessa turns back towards her computer. “In case the schools here don’t work out. I’m not sitting out for another year again and falling even more behind.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Brooke can’t even deny it, because it does. Hell, if she hadn’t gotten in on the first try, she’d be exhausting all of her own resources, too.

But California.

Not only on the opposite coast, but in an entirely different country.

Vanessa wouldn’t go there unless she absolutely had to, would she?

Though what would really change? Things have been so off between them, Brooke doesn’t even feel like she can properly look Vanessa in the eye. Or hug her. Or kiss her or pull her close.

Hell, the last time they had sex was weeks ago and even that was after a particularly big argument.

Steve and Jon had teased her about the hickeys on her neck for weeks.

But Brooke doesn’t want that kind of sex, not right now. She wants things to just feel normal again.

Except that she can’t help the way that she heads off to bed without even waiting for Vanessa, tucking in early because she has a class the next morning.

Brooke doesn’t want to deal with all of the unsaid words that have built up between them. It’s gotten too fucking messy.

Maybe things will just fix themselves up on their own if she waits long enough.

Brooke’s tentatively excited when Vanessa suggests a movie night one breakfast over waffles.

“Maybe we can both take a break from our work?”

“I’d like that.” Brooke can’t help the smile on her face that builds, no matter how hard she tries to temper it down.

Maybe just spending some time together will make things okay again.

Except then later in the day her Endocrinology professor holds extra office hours to prepare them for the midterm, for which the line ends up being incredibly long, and then of course she strikes up a conversation while waiting with one of her classmates about the recent readings because the subject’s just so interesting, a conversation that continues once they leave the office. And then she’s forgotten about everything else, really, when Steve texts her and asks if she wants to join him and some of their classmates for a bite at the new burrito place, the one she’s been excited about trying. And by the time she gets home it’s nearly 10:00, and she’s forgotten all about the movie night that she and Vanessa had planned - a fact that hits her with horror as she opens the door to their apartment, the realization washing over her.

“Shit.” Brooke whispers it under her breath because there’s a pile of blankets by the couch, an untouched bowl of popcorn and she’s stupid, real stupid, because how on earth did she forget?

Vanessa’s not on the couch, either. Nor is she in the kitchen, or in any of the open spaces of their apartment. The door to their bedroom is closed and the sight makes Brooke wince.

Brooke drops her jacket and backpack on the floor without a second thought, pushing their bedroom door open and Vanessa’s there, leaning against the headboard of the bed and her eyes are wide.

“Where have you been?” Vanessa’s voice quivers and Brooke can hear the hurt in it and it makes her heart feel ever so slightly heavier, pulling her down.

“Sorry Ness, I-” Brooke pauses. “I got distracted. Things were happening with office hours and people in class and I lost track of time.”

It feels flimsy, despite being the truth.

“I got class in the morning, so it’s too late to watch anything now. Not that you probably even want to.” Vanessa’s face is buried in her book again and suddenly they’re back to their avoidance of eye contact and it makes Brooke grit her teeth.

“I said sorry, okay?” It’s not Brooke’s fault that things got busy. That’s just how med school is, something that Vanessa wouldn’t know.

“Real fucking sincere.” Vanessa huffs. “Look, if you don’t wanna spend time together, at least have the decency to not stand me up. I cancelled plans for this.”

Brooke pauses at that. “What plans?”

“Why do you even care?” Vanessa spits out the words and Brooke can see the fire in her eyes and somehow it doesn’t have the effect of lighting her up, but rather, cools down her insides instead. “You clearly have more important shit to worry about.”

“Next time I’ll put a reminder in my phone, okay? I promise I won’t miss it.”

“Fuck that.” Vanessa’s arms are crossed, as if she’s steeling herself, protecting her heart from anything and everyone. From Brooke. “If something ain’t important enough for you to remember on your own? There won’t be a next time.”

Brooke rubs at her temples because she doesn’t want to do this, not now, and so what if she’d forgotten? “Listen, med school is fucking busy. All I do is study and work and revise and my brain can’t remember anything.”

Vanessa leans forward, putting her book down and it nearly makes Brooke take a step back. “All you do is-you think I don’t work my ass off, either?”

“I didn’t say that-”

“You have no idea, do you?” Vanessa’s eyes narrow. “Just ‘cause I’m still in fourth year doesn’t mean that I’m not doing shit. I’m taking five and a half credits and still volunteering, still working in the lab, and on top of that applying again for all these stupid med school programs that probably won’t even accept me, anyway. So, yeah. Miss me with that bullshit. If I can at least still try to make an effort, so can you.”

Brooke can feel tendrils wrapped in anxiety and stress worm their way around her heart, because this isn’t what tonight was supposed to be like at all. “I-”

“Fuck it. I don’t care.” Vanessa puts her book on her bedside table, scoots down in their bed until she’s lying down and under the covers. “Go study with your friends, I don’t care.”

The hollowness in Brooke’s chest as she tries to fall asleep that night is only amplified by the hurt that she had heard in Vanessa’s voice, the sound still lingering in her mind hours and hours later.

(now)

Brooke misses Vanessa.

It isn’t either of their faults, really. Both the neuro and cardiac surgical units are starting to pick up, the surgeons working overtime to balance all of the regular scheduled procedures with the influx of emergency ones.

Brooke feels like she’s been run ragged, to say the least. She’s been on call for most of the hours that she hasn’t been working this week, catching hours of sleep wherever she can while still attempting to get all of her documentation done.

Weeks like these make Brooke feel like a firefighter, one who tries to put out flames only for three more to rise in their place. Brooke normally thrives in such environments - having to think on her feet, having to triage her cases so that the most urgent ones are dealt with first, functioning and doing brain surgery on approximately two hours of sleep.

No one’s ever said that the lifestyle of surgeon is easy. Though the paycheck does make it better.

VM: got scheduled for 2 ablations, 2 valve replacements, and 1 ventricle repair. Never done so many procedures in one shift in my LIFE

Brooke looks at the text and smiles, the way her face always has a tendency to do so whenever Vanessa’s name pops up. She’s glad, in a way; that it’s not just her. That Vanessa is equally busy over on her unit.

Brooke’s found that it’s difficult for those who aren’t in the medical field to understand the crazy hours, the topsy turvy schedules, where it’s possible to have long stretches of free time followed immediately by a slammed schedule with procedure after procedure and multiple on call shifts in a row. It makes it hard to plan, sometimes, to commit. She’s used it as an excuse more than once when breaking off flings in the past.

But it’s not like that with Vanessa. It’s doesn’t have to be, when Vanessa gets it, when Vanessa is going through the same thing as her.

Plus, she doesn’t actually want to break things off with Vanessa.

Not that they’re a thing.

Are they a thing?

Brooke doesn’t know.

All she knows is that she’s missing her throughout this busy period.

BLH: So many in one day! You superstar.

VM: fully taking a bow rn

VM: how’s ur day been??

BLH: Equally slammed. I’m about to fall asleep at my desk lol.

VM: nap on the clock, I support it

VM: I miss you :((

The text makes Brooke suck in a breath. She hasn’t wanted to be the clingy one, the pushy one, the one to scare Vanessa away with how much she still cares. But the text feels like an anchor, one that helps to hold her heart in place and calm it down and keep it in reach of her favourite person.

BLH: Fuck, Ness. I miss you too.

VVM: gay

BLH: I’ve literally had my face in between your legs more times than either of us can count.

VVM: g a y

VVM: but same. our schedules need to calm tf down so I can see ur cute face before I forget what u look like completely

VVM: that’s a lie I could never forget u

BLH: Gay.

VVM: HEY

Brooke lets out a little laugh, glad that she’s alone in her office. She needs to focus on her documentation, get all of her surgical reports dictated and out of the way but trying to focus feels absolutely impossible. Especially when talking to Vanessa is so much more fun.

It’s a couple more days before Brooke has the chance to see Vanessa in person again, before their schedules calm down enough to let either of them think about something other than work for a change.

Brooke is the one who suggests it when Vanessa drops by her office at the end of their shifts, pressing a kiss on her lips.

“You busy this evening?”

“No. Why?” Vanessa tilts her head with the most adorably curious expression, and it takes everything in Brooke to not pull her close and kiss her again.

“We’ve been working hard-”

“Working our asses off-”

“-and we deserve a break, that’s all.” Brooke grins.

“What are you suggesting?” Vanessa takes a step closer, wrapping her arms around Brooke’s waist, and Brooke can already feel the heat that’s emanating between them.

“Come over?”

“Ooh, Dr. Hytes, what a proposition-”

“Shush.” Brooke shoves her lightly, but can’t help but laugh when Vanessa lets out a cackle. “Not like that. Well, maybe like that, but also just to chill out, y’know? We both deserve it.”

“I’d be down for that.” Vanessa’s beginning to look excited by the idea. “We could order in and just watch some shit and veg out.”

“Exactly. Especially because our surgery is tomorrow. We can rest up.” Their joint surgery has creeped up on the two of them faster than Brooke’s expected. She’s excited to get the chance to properly work with Vanessa, after such a long period of planning and preparation. To get the chance to see how they function together in an operating room setting.

“Would this be considered a team bonding activity?” Vanessa asks the question as they tug on their coats, picking up their bags.

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “We’re the only two members from our surgical team that are taking part.”

“Good. That’s how I like it.” Vanessa leans up to press a kiss to Brooke’s cheek. “Now come on, are you gonna take me home or not?”

Brooke falls into step with Vanessa as they leave the neuro offices, walking towards the exit when Vanessa pauses. “Shit, my wallet’s still in my office. I’d taken it out to buy lunch. Mind if we loop back before leaving?”

Brooke can’t help her curiosity as they walk through the section of cardiac offices. “I never really noticed that the cardiac offices have red accent walls.”

Vanessa snorts. “Feels a little on the nose, huh? I guess they wanted to keep up with the heart and blood theme. Kinda nasty.”

“Makes for a cool look, though. Better than our boring grey walls in neuro.” Brooke runs her hand along the wall as Vanessa unlocks her office, grabbing her wallet from the desk.

“They should have given you pink accent walls for the colour of the brain.” Vanessa locks her office up again, and Brooke can’t help but interject.

“Actually, the brain isn’t really pink, it looks like that with the blood but it’s actually an off white colour-”

Vanessa gives her a look. “Really?”

Brooke smiles sheepishly. “You knew that, didn’t you?”

“We both went to medical school, you dolt.” Vanessa links her arm through Brooke’s as they head back down the hallway, before they’re interrupted by an excited noise in an adjoining office.

“Aha!”

“What in the hell-”

Vanessa’s words are cut off when Asia slides over from her office to the hallway while still in her desk chair, pointing between the two of them.

“Now what’s going on here? ” Asia’s smile on her face is absolutely delighted as she glances at their linked arms.

“What, two people can’t walk arm in arm?” Vanessa wastes no time in responding, and Brooke’s glad for it, really, because she doesn’t exactly know what to say to Asia on the subject.

“Not when the two of you have personally caused me inner ear damage from how much you used to yell at each other. So this is quite a change.” Asia leans back on her chair, crossing her legs.

Vanessa snorts. “You look absolutely ridiculous sitting on that chair in the hallway.”

“Don’t deflect. All I’m saying is that you two seem real close.”

“It’s nice, ain’t it?” Vanessa doesn’t give Asia a chance to respond, grabbing Brooke’s hand and tugging on it before breaking out into a run and yelling down the hallway. “We’re out, bye!”

They run towards the parking lot in a fit of giggles, neither of them able to contain their laughter.

“Asia’s so gonna be on my ass about that tomorrow. Worth it.” Vanessa bends over to catch her breath, grinning up at Brooke. “So, your place?”

Brooke’s struck by the ease at which Vanessa snuggles into her side after she puts their empty takeout containers on the coffee table. As if it’s the most natural action in the world, as if they never went through years and years apart from one another.

They still haven’t talked about it, about what they are, what they’re doing, but Brooke doesn’t want to be the one to ruin the spell that’s been cast between them. She likes spending time with Vanessa, and what if Vanessa has second thoughts if they talk about it and says that she doesn’t want to do…whatever it is that they’re doing anymore?

So, she’ll take Vanessa snuggling into her side, especially if she gets to wrap an arm around her, hear her let out a content little noise, one that Brooke’s sure she’d never tire of even if she heard it a hundred times.

An episode of Schitt’s Creek is playing on the TV, one that Brooke’s seen before and she’s not paying attention, preferring to focus on Vanessa’s reactions and giggles as she watches for the first time.

“I’m gonna start saying ‘ew, Asia’ to Asia the way Alexis always says ‘ew, David’. Imagine her reaction.” Vanessa lets out a snicker. “She’d beat my ass for sure.”

Brooke snorts. “I swear, your cardiac team looks like it’s all mayhem, all the time. You included.”

“Oh, completely. Though is the neuro team any better?”

Brooke pauses. “Not in the least, actually. They’re all insane. Seems like chaos is a prerequisite to ever be able to make it to a hospital job.”

“You got that right. Speaking of,” Vanessa sits up a little so she can face Brooke, “how are you feeling about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” Brooke’s been trying not to think about it much, really. Surgeries don’t usually intimidate her. She can handle when complications arise, because she manages to keep complete control of the operating room and of the patient in front of her. Most of the time, anyway.

There’s something about doing a surgery with Vanessa, though, that’s making her more nervous. Biting her lip, fiddling with her hands all evening kind of nervous.

Brooke thinks that Vanessa might have noticed.

“Yeah. Tomorrow.”

“It’s going to be fine.” Brooke shrugs. “It’s going to be fine, right?”

At least, that’s what Brooke’s trying to convince herself of. She’s had complex patients before, ones where she’s had to work with surgeons from other disciplines, but something about working with Vanessa, working as a team, makes her nervous.

What if she lets Vanessa down?

“I see your head already zooming at a million miles an hour. It’s going to be absolutely fine, and you know that. I know you do.” Vanessa’s looking at Brooke like she believes the words coming out of her mouth, and Brooke desperately wants to believe them too. “Remember when I shadowed one of your surgeries when I first moved back here?”

Brooke’s not sure where she’s going with it. “Yeah?”

“Didn’t want to tell you back then, ‘cause you were acting like one cocky son of a bitch, but you were good. Real good. As in textbook good, even better than good type of good. You had everyone on your team working under you like a machine, you handled shit happening in the surgery like a goddamn champ.” Vanessa grabs her hand, squeezes it, and the pressure is grounding, somehow. “You got this. Take it from someone who’s already seen you in action. And you know my ass can’t lie to save my life, so I ain’t making this shit up, either. I don’t want you to start spiralling about shit that may not even happen tomorrow.”

“How did you know I was-”

“I know you, babe.” Vanessa smiles softly. “I know when you start overthinking. Also ‘cause your grip around me suddenly got all rigid.”

Brooke snorts. “That’s more of an obvious cue, huh?”

“Maybe.” Vanessa smiles and leans over, pressing a kiss to her lips. “Now let’s just think about how great we’ll be tomorrow.”

Brooke deepens the kiss because she can’t help herself and sure, they’ve both been tired and overworked but she hasn’t properly kissed Vanessa since that day in her office, and now that she has the chance, she’s going to take it. Brooke hadn’t been the one to initiate another, not wanting to overstep. But now that Vanessa’s here, in her arms, in her apartment? She’s going to take it.

Vanessa gasps into the kiss though follows suit, wrapping her arms around Brooke’s neck, and she feels like a ball of energy, a ball of light in Brooke’s arms. One that’s so responsive, one that wastes no time in straddling Brooke, trying to close the already miniscule distance that exists between them.

It’s too much all at once but Brooke just wants more and more, more of Vanessa because there’s no way she can ever get enough. It doesn’t matter that they’ve been sleeping together the last few months because right now it feels different - every touch just a little bit more electric, every kiss making her heart beat just a little bit faster.

It’s urgent, but not like their kisses in their offices, where they had been running out of time and were afraid of getting caught. No, this feels different. As if they have all the time they would ever need, and the urgency is to make sure that they make the most of every second, every moment, to make up for everything that they’ve missed. It’s a homecoming and a reckoning all at once.

Brooke grips underneath Vanessa’s thighs, standing them up and letting Vanessa wrap her legs around her waist tightly before walking them over to her bedroom. If they’re going to do this, then they’re going to do this right, because it’s not the same anymore. They’re not the same.

Brooke lays Vanessa down on the bed and the sight of her hair splayed around her head, eyes wide as her chest rises and falls with near gasps almost takes Brooke’s breath away. She leans down, presses kisses along Vanessa’s ribcage, feeling the way her breath hitches and it’s intoxicating, making her wish that she could just make Vanessa fall apart underneath her for a living.

Brooke brings her kisses up past Vanessa’s cleavage, her neck, along the curve of her jaw but then Vanessa pushes on her shoulder, flipping them over and suddenly Brooke’s the one flat on her back. Vanessa’s waves fall in front of her face, tickling Brooke’s shoulders and cheeks, little dots of starlight that light her up like the night sky. Vanessa takes a second to tie her hair back with the elastic on her wrist, before grabbing Brooke’s face with both of her hands and kissing her again and again and again, and it makes Brooke understand what it means to have the all the stars in the universe finally within her grasp.

Brooke almost wishes that she could pause this moment, right here. Commit it to a safe part of her brain to pull out when she’s feeling empty, alone, when there’s nothing left to push her to keep moving forward. Because this? Vanessa right here, right now, making her feel like she’s glowing from the inside out? Brooke feels like it could power her for days.

Vanessa presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth, pulling back to look at her and Brooke can see the softness, the adoration in her eyes, the slight shine that matches the way Brooke feels her own heart ready to burst.

There’s a part of Brooke that still nags, still plants a seed of doubt within her, thorns that fester within her bloodstream that tell her that this isn’t forever, that Vanessa’s going to leave. That this doesn’t matter the way that Brooke so desperately wants it to. But then Vanessa’s hands are soft on Brooke’s skin, unbuttoning her pants and helping her slide them off along with her panties, before crawling in between her legs and kissing up her thighs, the gentlest of touches that make Brooke cant into her for more, more, more.

Brooke’s already a mess, already coming undone because there’s something about Vanessa that always keeps her on the cusp of tipping over. Of jumping off of the cliff that Vanessa’s already gone over, because Brooke would follow her down if it meant that she could stay with her, spend more time with her. Not worrying about having to leave.

Vanessa’s kisses turn harder, deeper, making Brooke squirm and she knows she’s going to have marks on her thighs, ones left by Vanessa that only she’ll be able to see, ones that remind her of this. That Vanessa’s been here.

Brooke’s hands tighten their grip in Vanessa’s hair nonetheless, because the teasing is too much and she needs more, she needs her. Vanessa takes the hint because she’s in a giving mood, all pretenses of taking her time beginning to fade and Brooke’s nearly gone when Vanessa licks up her slit.

It amazes her still, how well Vanessa knows her body. Exactly how to get her to the edge because she still remembers, and it’s a strange sense of deja vu, though one that is heightened, everything just a little bit sharper than it used to be. Because Brooke feels everything so much more, and it scares her that she never, ever wants to lose it.

Vanessa tips Brooke over the edge when she sucks at her clit, curling her fingers upward deep inside her and it’s a marvel, really, that Brooke had ever thought that she could get over her. Could ever forget her. Vanessa presses a gentle kiss to the inside of Brooke’s thigh after she comes, pulling her fingers back, and Brooke can feel the way that the action holds so much more, tugs more on her heart than any other girl she’s been with, the way it makes it clear in her head.

Vanessa’s it, for her.

And the way that Vanessa’s looking at her, eyes full of adoration and an emotion that Brooke can’t quite decipher as she crawls back up the bed, makes Brooke think that maybe, just maybe, Vanessa gets it, too.

[hyperion-moonbabe]

Caught In Between: 05. Dinner Party

IMPORTANT!!! TO ANYONE FOLLOWING OR READING MY TVD SERIES: This blog is currently my secondary blog. I have wanted to change it to primary for a while and since Tumblr does not allow it. I have created a new blog: @hyperion-moonbabe-new 

I will be porting everything over to this blog including my series and possibly eventually delete it so I can use this name without the “-new” on the end. If you would like to continue to read my series, please know that it will be continued on my new blog. Thank you!

Edit: Update

Summary: Athena Dumont has finally found a place to call home after many years of foster homes and traveling. She had finally tamed her supernatural side and just wanted to live a normal teenage life. She quickly discovers that there is nothing normal about her hometown, Mystic Falls and gets sucked right back into the supernatural world.

Post Date: 04.03.20

Word count: 3k

Based off: 02x15 “The Dinner Party”

00. | 01.  | 02. | 03. |  04. 

I wake up to a loud knock on my door, “What?!” I sleepily ask yelling from my bed.

“Damon just wanted me to make sure you’re up, so you can come with us to the grill,” Damon’s new personal blood bag, Andie Star, said politely from the other side. I do have to say Andie is very nice and I really don’t approve how Damon is using her, she doesn’t deserve it. I just ignored her and turned to go back to sleep. A few minutes later I heard the door open but ignore it. 

“Hey, sleepyhead you’re coming with Andie and I to meet Ric at the grill,” Damon says clearly annoyed. The only response I give him was a pillow thrown to his face. 

“Come on, get up,” Damon says struggling to lift me from the bed, but I just ragdoll. 

“I don’t wanna,” I pout like a five-year-old. “Why am I always stuck with you?” I ask finally lifting my own body weight.

“Because you just are. Now get ready we’re leaving in 10,” Damon leaves without shutting my door, forcing me to get up if I wanted any privacy.

I get dressed and meet Damon and Andie downstairs. We make our way over to the Mystic Grill and find a table to sit down at with Alaric. I take a seat next to Alaric while Andie and Damon sit in the booth, we start to take about how Elijah had a visit with Elena’s aunt, Jenna, “Other than your lecture on the history of Mystic Falls, did you get anything out of Elijah?” Damon questions Alaric.

“No, it was boring. Of course, Jenna thinks he’s charming,” Alaric responds annoyed at Jenna’s opinion on him.

“You sounded jealous. Sound a bit jealous?” Damon asks turning to Andie. I just roll my eyes at how he has to point out everything.

“Kinda do,” Andie agrees.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this here,” Alaric says and glances at Andie slightly.

“I can agree with that,” I glance over at Andie as well.

“Andie, she’s been compelled not to divulge my secrets. Haven’t you?” Damon responds putting his arm around her back as they kiss. I just silently gag to myself at how gross they’re being.

“Mmm. My lips are sealed,” Andies says with a slight baby voice.

“This is just gross,” I say and glance over at Alaric who has a disgusted look as well.

“Ah, there’s Jenna with her new boyfriend. Hi.” Damon says as he catches Jenna’s and Elijah’s attention. 

“Hey, guys,” Jenna says as they make their way over to our table.

“So, I hear you two had quite a meeting of historical minds today,” Damon states.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Jenna says clearly not knowing how to respond and Elijah just smiles trying to act well, not him.

“Well, as much as I’d like to continue this, I’ve got papers to grade,” Alaric says as he puts some money on the table and starts to get up.

“And I have better places to be, Damon you’ll be handling my bill, right?” I say and start to get up as well.

“No, you know what? We should continue this. Let’s have a dinner party,” Andie suggests.

“Ooh, my girl. Full of good ideas. I’ll be happy to host. Say tonight. Maybe?” Damon suggests even further.

“It’s good for me. Jenna?” Andie questions.

“I don’t know if tonight works--” Alaric starts.

“Yeah, I’m free,” Jenna interrupts not wanting Alaric to answer for her.  She and Alaric make faces at each other.

“It’d be a pleasure,” Elijah says accepting the invite graciously.

“Well, have fun. I’m sure, you being adults, won’t want a--” I say before I’m interrupted.

“No, I think it’d be great for you to join us, Athena,” Andie adds.

“Another good idea from my girl. Great,” Damon says not letting me out of it.

Damon, Andie and I head back to the house, “Now how about my two girls prepare for the party tonight and get to know each other. I need to make a little visit to a very unpleasurable doppelganger,” Damon says as he gathers some items up.

“I’m not your girl,” I respond and roll my eyes at him. Damon continues to gather stuff up and head out the door.

 “You know as much as Damon teases and is mean to you, he does care about you,” Andie says as we make our way to the kitchen.

“Says the blood bag, no offense. I mean you really don’t deserve this,” I say back.

“None taken. But I do care for him actually, he does need someone there for him. I wanna be that person. He may compel me but he can’t tell me what to think,” She explains.

“I see what you mean. I was in the same boat with him two years ago. I just don’t want to see you hurt,” I say as I start to prepare some food.

“Thank you,” She responds as she helps me prepare the food.

Andie and I continue to talk, prepare and cook food. A few hours pass and we hear the doorbell ring, I go to open it to find Alaric and Jenna at the door with a half-done dessert in hand. Andie and Jenna go to set up the dining table while Damon and Alaric talk in the library. I go upstairs to prepare myself for seeing more of Andie and Damon together, that and make myself a little more presentable.

 I make my way down to the dining hall, “Anything I can help with?” I ask looking between Andie and Jenna, and take notice of John Gilbert.

“Nope, everything’s all set up,” Jenna responds clasping her hands together.

I smile at both of them and make my way into the great room and find Damon there. The doorbell rings once again and I go to open it up with Damon following close behind. I find Elijah standing in the doorway and feel Damon’s presence as he stands right behind me.

“Good Evening,” Elijah greets.

“Thank you for coming. Please, come in.” Damon says unnervingly pippy.

“Just one moment. Can I just say that if you have less than honorable intentions about how this evening is going to proceed, I suggest you reconsider,” Elijah states coldly.

“No, nothing, nothing dishonorable. Just getting to know you,” Damon responds in a weirdly nice tone.

“I made sure of it,” I reassure Elijah and smile at him, hoping it lessens the tension.

“Hmm. Well, that’s good,” Elijah says and enters the house as Damon and I move out of the way. “Because, you know, although Elena and I have this deal, if you so much as make a move to cross me, I’ll kill you and I’ll kill everyone in this house. Are we clear?” Elijah states with a colder voice as I think that he would actually kill me, but I guess I could never know. 

“Guys lets just get to know each other and enjoy the wonderful dinner Andie and I prepared,” I say annoyed, looking between them as they glare at each other from either side of me.

“Crystal,” Damon responds sounding a bit scared and ignoring my comment. 

I walk away and towards Jenna who’s waiting in the hallway. Elijah greets her and we all make our way over to the dinner table. I lead everyone into the kitchen to serve the food and we all settle back into our seats at the table. Jenna, Andie and I on one side, Alaric and Elijah on the other, and John and Damon each at the ends of the table.

“I hate to break it to you, Damon and Athena, but according to Elijah, your families are so not founders of this town,” Jenna says as she pours Damon a glass of wine.

“Hmm, do tell,” Damon says but clearly not interested.

“Well, as I mentioned to Jenna earlier, A faction of settlers migrated from Salem after the witch trials in the 1690s. Over the next hundred years, they developed this community where they could feel safe from persecution,” Elijah explains to all of us while we begin to eat.

“Hmm. Because they were witches,” Jenna adds.

“Yeah, but there’s no tangible proof there were witches in Salem,” Andie says disbelievingly.

“Andie’s a Journalist. Big on facts.” Damon says trying to boast her while making a face at Elijah.

“Well, the lore says that there was this wave of anti-witch hysteria. It broke out in the neighboring settlement, so these witches were rounded up. They were tied to stakes in a field together and, uh, burned. Some say you could hear the screams from miles around us. They were consumed by the fire. Could you pass the…” Elijah explains.

“I wouldn’t repeat this to the Historical Society,” Jenna chuckles.

“I don’t think they’d enjoy Elijah’s story, going back on their history,” I chuckle.

“It’s starting to sound a little like a ghost story to me,” John Gilbert says.

“So, why do you want to know the location of these alleged massacres?” Damon asks trying to get information out.

“You know...a healthy historian’s curiosity, of course,” Elijah responds not giving any information up.

We continue to make small conversation and finish up our meal. As we start to clean up Andie suggests that the guys should drink in the library, which makes me think they’re up to something. But not wanting to cause any problems with Alaric and Jenna or be wrong about anything, I keep my mouth shut and help clean the table. After we finish cleaning up, Alaric comes up to me with information from Stefan.

“Athena, Damon’s going to try to kill Elijah tonight, with a dagger and some white ash. We need to stop him,” Alaric whispers to me urgently.

“That asshole, I should’ve known. Even though I have some care for Elijah, I know this needs to end. I don’t want any of you hurt, Let’s go.” I say and we start to head to the library.

We hear Damon and Elijah talking as we walk into the library, “Gentlemen, we forgot about dessert,” Alaric says making his way over to them, making a cover. 

“Elijah,” I say as I hold my hand out to him, to lead him back to the dining room.

“Athena,” Elijah says handing his drink to Damon. He comes over and takes my hand and pulls me towards the dining room.

“So have you thought about my deal?” He asks quiet enough so Damon couldn’t hear.

“Yeh, and I can’t risk my friends here. I want to protect them, they’re like my family,” I respond.

“I understand, but I’m your family too,” Elijah says, but I don’t respond as we make it back into the room where Andie, Jenna, and John were.

“Sorry, guys dessert is taking longer than I thought. I usually just unwrap food,” She says while pouring a cup of coffee.

“Let me help you,” I say as Andie, Elijah, and John take their seats at the table and I follow Jenna into the kitchen.

We make some small talk while I help Jenna finish the dessert. We walk out of the kitchen with the dessert to find that Elijah was gone, “Where’s Elijah?” I ask looking at Damon, suspiciously.

“He had some work to attend to,” Damon says, but I give him a look that tells him I don’t believe him. 

“I forgot my drink in the kitchen. I’ll be right back,” I say and nod my head for Damon to follow.

I make our way into the kitchen and wait for Damon to follow in, “What did you do?” I whisper upset.

“What do you mean?” Damon dismisses my question.

“I know Elijah, did not just leave to do work. So… what… did… you… do?” I ask him one more time more upset.

“Ok, fine. You caught me. I and by I, I mean Alaric may have given Elijah a little poke with a dagger,” Damon finally gives up after a few moments of silence.

“Did you guys happen to leave the dagger in? Because if you want him actually ‘dead’ then you need to leave the dagger in,” I explain to him finally feeling the info I had was helpful. He just makes a ‘really’ face at me as his phone starts to ring.

“What Stefan?” Damon answers his call. “Yeh, I know. Athena just told me,” He hangs up and starts to rush off. 

I follow him into the cellar, which is where they stored him, well, tried. Once we make our way down to the cellar, we find it empty. Damon just looks at me with an upset face, “We need to get to Elena and Stefan now. If Elijah’s going anywhere, it’s wherever Elena is,” I say walking away from Damon.

We quickly get rid of Alaric, Jenna, John, and Andie but try not to raise any suspicion. Damon grabs the dagger off the table and we drive over to the Gilbert Lakehouse to warn Elena and Stefan, “I can guarantee that If Elijah has witches that he’ll be making his way over here right now,” I tell them.

“Well, there’s not enough time to leave,” Stefan states.

“What if we draw him out so we can dagger him again? Athena and Damon hide, so he only thinks Stefan and I are here. I can try to reason with him and since he’s mad at Damon, he might not comply. I’ll tell him that if he doesn’t I’ll stab myself... ” Elena starts to explain.

“What? Not an option,” I say turning to her.

“I’m gonna have to agree,” Damon says.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Stefan adds.

“Just listen, I’ll tell him that I’ll stab myself, Stefan would heal me and then I’d kill myself to become a vampire. Rendering me useless to Klaus and therefore Elijah. I can then stab myself to make him agree to a new deal, then once I can get close enough, I’ll stab him with the dagger, killing him,” Elena finishes taking the dagger from Damon’s hand.

“And how can we be sure that he’d fall for this plan of yours?” Damon questions.

“Well, I know Elijah. He needs Elena so it’s pretty soundproof in my mind,” I state looking at Elena upset, not wanting her to put herself in harm's way.

“I trust Athena. If she thinks its a good idea, then we should go with it. Anyone got any better ideas?” Stefan asks looking between us.

“I mean I don’t, Damon?”  I ask in response. But he just sighs and walks away as I follow him.

I follow Damon into another room, “We’re just gonna let her sacrifice herself?” He asks me distressed.

“It’ll all work itself out, and if it doesn’t I’ll go with Elijah,” I explain trying to calm him.

“That is not an option either!” He yells at me getting right up to my face.

“Well, it’s the only other option I can think of. I mean he wants me--” I start before I’m cut off by Damon covering my mouth. Elijah must be here.

Damon and I head upstairs in order to keep ourselves from being found. As we continue our way up the stairs we hear a loud noise of the door being torn down. We listen to the conversation that Elijah and Elena are having as we wait upstairs for the plan to be finished. We hear Elena scream in pain as we can hear her stab herself. And the next thing we hear is Elijah screams in pain as he is stabbed with the white oak dagger. Damon and I quietly but quickly make our way downstairs to make sure Elena was ok. 

“Little tip. Don’t pull the dagger out.” Damon says stating the obvious.

Elena and Stefan pack up their stuff as Damon and I figure out how to get Elijah’s body in his car. We all make our way back over to the Salvatore house. Damon and Stefan take Elijah’s body downstairs to the cellar as Elena and I follow close behind.

“Are you ok?” I ask her.

“Yeh are you? I mean I know you guys are like fam--”

“We did what we had to do. I’m not letting anyone hurt you guys, you’re my family” I interrupt her. Damon and Stefan put Elijah’s body on the ground, as soon they set him down, Damon searches Elijah’s pockets.

“What do we have here?” Damon says while he pulls the moonstone out of one of the pockets. “A little moonstone bar of soap. I’ll hold on to this.” He says getting up from his crouched position.

“So that’s it. I mean, as long as we keep the dagger in there, then he stays dead.” Elena states.

“As far as I know, yes,” I respond.

“Okay then, good night,” Elena says and starts to walk out before she turns around and looks at Stefan and Damon, “You know, you guys want me to fight, Fine, I’ll fight. But if we’re gonna do this, you can’t keep anything from me anymore. From this moment on, we’re doing it my way.” Elena protests.

“That seems fair,” Damon says, but I can tell he could care less about doing it her way.

“Okay,” Stefan agrees.

I follow Elena out of the cellar, “You know I had nothing to do with Damon’s little plan until it happened right?” I ask her making sure she knows I won’t try anything.

“Yeh, I know,” 

“Hey, I know you want to do this your way. But if it comes down to it and the Originals need or want me. I don’t want you to get hurt trying to save me. I’ll fight them your way, if you respect the way I wanna fight them on my own battlefront, Okay?” I stop Elena halfway in the hall.

“Okay,” She says, hesitantly agreeing to my terms.

I head upstairs to “my bedroom” and try to get to sleep early knowing that I have school tomorrow, which I dread over all this other stuff.

A/N: Here is part 5, based on 02x15 "The Dinner Party".  I know this was a big-time jump from the last part, but episodes 12-14 seemed like filler to me, and I didn’t want to spend time writing those parts, so here we are. I know Athena kinda seems like she’s in the background but she’ll get her spotlight soon. I may skip another episode or two, but I’ll have to see how I wanna plan things out. Please let me know what you guys think of the series so far, any feedback is great. Also, let me know if anyone would like me to start a taglist. I hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading. Stay safe and healthy! 

Bonus Content~ Here is a screenshot of Ian/Damon while I was going through the episode. I thought it was worth sharing:

[thvodora]

hello !! i’m luna, from the est, and i use she/her pronouns !! this is my baby theodora (aka dory but can also be called theo/thea/teddi/etc. skjdfjks) !! below i have a whole summary of her bio and personality, and also some ideas for connections if you’re into that !! if you’d like to plot, please message me on discord @luna#6219 or like this and i will come to you (most likely on discord, but tumblr im also works) !! if you have time to read things that are way too long, feel free to peek at her biography, statistics, personality traits, headcanons, pinterest, and playlist !! okay let’s dive in !

( lee ji-eun, cisfemale ) hey ! have you seen THEODORA KWON around ? SHE works as a ICE SKATING INSTRUCTOR at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 20 years old & they’ve been working here for FOUR MONTHS. they tend to be +AMBITIOUS & +FASTIDIOUS, but can also be -DOGMATIC & -PREDICTABLE. the other employees have labeled them THE POLYMATH. thanks a lot ! ( delicate fingernails painted red grazing over a piano, wilted flowers resting in the sunlight, elaborate sand sculptures washed away by the tides, ripples in otherwise perfectly still water, & tea-stained book pages )

biography (tw: car accident)

theodora basically grows up w/ two controlling parents who are doctors, but she has a relatively ok childhood where she spends most of her time with her brother. she reads a lot, does well in school, takes some piano lessons, all that jazz

then her mother has an affair and so her parents divorce when dory’s 10 y/o and she’s pretty distraught, split between households. she’s especially spiteful of her mother and her mother’s boyfriend.

her brother leaves for harvard, which sets high expectations for her to excel similarly. but this absence + anger from the divorce + pressure to do well culminates into her accidentally falling into the Mean Girl™ clique at her high school. they basically rebel, party hard, and are super condescending to/basically bully others but all this peer pressure and social conformity is enough for her to ignore her Bad Behavior

she crushes on and later dates the whole ringleader of the clique’s/her bff’s crush. she’s so in love but then at a party she finds her bf + her bff kissing and its just rly bad. her bff has pretty much spread rumors about her, her boyfriend ridicules her, and dory’s effectively thrown out of the social circle.

now with an outsider’s perspective she realizes how terrible she’s been and succumbs to her guilt. she becomes super introverted and only sticks to studying hard and reading books and playing the piano. she tries to apologize to the ppl that she used to bully and tries to insert herself back into high school society but it doesn’t rly work 

so she carries on like this, fighting with her parents yet adhering to their expectations + virtually outcasted but sticking to her studies. then her brother comes home over break and gets into a really bad car accident. he ends up being hospitalized and paralyzed waist down. 

dory’s pretty angry so she ends up tracking the case and watches it happen in court, but the judge/jury/lawyers suck and nothing really happens to the drunk driver who caused the accident

this spurs her into an epiphany that she can right her wrongs and right these wrongs by becoming a lawyer herself, taking justice into her own hands. her parents hate the idea because they don’t think that dory has what it takes + try to persuade her not to, telling her it’s dangerous, unstable, time-consuming, etc. she doesn’t care anymore, though, and seeing how her brother has decided to take a gap year and travel, she frees herself from her parents and goes off to yale for pre-law.

then her dad is diagnosed with early on-set dementia and she decides to move closer to his home to take care of him. she transfers to a uni in colorado, and then gets a job at the resort to a) get that $$$ to help support her dad + her education and b) she’s gone to the resort b4 as like an annual family vacay and is a lil sentimental ! 

she visits her dad a bunch but it’s a lowkey secret, she feels slightly embarrassed and also is just generally quite private

so that’s it! she’s basically just a hell of a mess who still hasn’t forgiven herself for all her mistakes in high school and still feels like she needs to conform + control everything as much as possible + be “perfect” .... but more on that in the next part

personality

my gal dory is the . most . uptight perfectionist ever . she’s super detail oriented and will undoubtedly nit pick at everything she can, both about others + herself. she’s the type to always take control in a group project because a) it has to be done in a specific way for her and b) she doesn’t really trust other people with her grades.

she’s super pragmatic and is super frugal. she hates people who talk their way around things and would rather just have direct communication and be to the point. she’s so honest and brutally critical that it gets her into a bunch of confrontations but.. she doesn’t really mind it. she lowkey loves arguing and asserting her opinion (cause she thinks it’s correct), hence the whole lawyer thing

curious about everything and if you know her well she can ramble on about an insane amount of topics if you give her the time. but like if you know her well... don’t give her that time sdkjfnsk

stubborn and holds grudges, doesn’t forgive easily aka if you lose her trust it’s pretty hard to get it back. super hard to sway her in your favor/opinion. like try to get her to spontaneously go to a party night of? sorry she hasn’t factored it into her planner two weeks in advance and also she hates parties ksdnfgks

loves playing the piano!!! is currently trying to figure out how to dj!!! but she keeps it lowkey

learned to skate when she was pretty young!! by no means an olympic skater but she does like skating bc its v graceful and she loves 2 be on the ice

basically. self-critical, hates Fun, perfectionist who is the embodiment of an istj, enneagram type 1, slytherin, & capricorn sun so....... enjoy

this is a terrible summary please go read her headcanons + personality traits page its so much more well written skfnksndfvbs

wanted connections !!

here’s a link to a tag i have for some ideas and also here’s my connections page w/ some wanted connections but i’m down for anything we brainstorm!!

[soulvomit]

The Memetic Race to the Bottom

On Tumblr, I started seeing that there is a real way how good ideas can go bad simply because the ideas just don’t scale very well outside of the specific conversation they originated in. (The cultural appropriation conversation is one of these.) This does not invalidate the original idea - but a big danger is that a idea dumbing down too much, can make people reluctant to engage with it at all once it’s gotten beyond its original space, so that the scaling into the general public becomes part of the extinction/invalidation cycle of that idea rather than leading to the broad adoption of it. (And then once it does scale to the public, the pushback can cause a full on pendulum swing in the culture - which is where I feel like we are at with the main social meme I’ll be using as an example. The present mainstream culture is a huge *pushback* on that meme, which I’m calling Toxic Independence.) The example I’ll mainly use here, is what I’m calling Toxic Independence, mainly because “Anti-Codependency/Neediness/Enabling Culture” is just too much of a mouthful. This didn’t start off the Objectivist-adjacent space of normalized sociopathy that it became. Codependency, neediness, and enabling, after all, are all actually real things that very much need discussion. But the broader culture just did not know what to do with these concepts once they reached escape velocity into the mass consciousness. In many cases, the idea breaching into mainstream public consciousness, is actually the last stage before it completely gets discarded. This doesn’t always happen, but I feel like I’ve seen it happen with enough ideas. All it takes is for the most dumbed down version of the idea, to become the new “poster child” for that idea, and lots of people to broadly reject it. Eventually, the idea dies out. Another thing that can happen is that a meme can go extinct if the original people with the idea, end up getting deplatformed. Or if the torch just isn’t passed to the next generation. That’s how so many of the more positive Boomer social memes ended up lost by the 1980s, and ultimately, forgotten. The activist/counterculture Boomers were deplatformed and also weren’t the ones having the kids. Every hippie that moved to rural Oregon in the mid-late 70s was a voice lost, and the yuppie Boomers became the dominant cultural force in a lot of spaces. And they managed to pass *some* memes on to Gen X (Toxic Independence or Anti-Codependency/Neediness/Enabling Culture was still a big part of many of my middle class Gen X spaces in the 00s). But sometimes the meme contains the seeds of its own extinction.  I feel like Toxic Independence did. Instead of a broad conversation that I hear in most of my spaces, it’s now a niche conversation in a couple of very, very specific spaces. I would have to actually seek out those conversations. And I still hear people talk about codependence - but it’s in specific addiction/recovery-specific contexts, or among much older people, and nobody seems to be trying to make it the Grand Unified Field Theory of People anymore the way that they were in the 80s. Sometimes the meme comes under broad attack by the culture itself.  As left/right political polarization was picking up speed in the last decade or so, you started seeing Toxic Independence under attack by both the Left *and* the Right, and not even by the most extreme factions of each. The hetero female version came under attack via both intersectional feminism *and* traditionalism, for example. The male version became even more niche and subcultural.   The Personal Development movement of the 00s was probably this meme’s final form. But even PD environments aren’t pushing this anymore to nearly the same extent, and the PD people who promoted it, are now mocked to some degree: I don’t feel like people are as universally told to cut off their ill, disabled, or unemployed family members the way they were in the 80s and 90s. I mean, there may still be this pressure in a lot of spaces, but I don’t feel like it’s as overt and aggressive outside of specific socioeconomic niches and professions. When I was around Landmark people in 2016, the conversations were fundamentally different from the ones I had with Landmark people in 2003.  Now, it seems like you only get to go away once you become rich enough to throw money at the problem, or are sociopathic enough to be unaffected.  Sometimes the conversation moves on because future generations change the conversation via trial and error. It’s coming out in the wash that while the first generation of people to do it en masse may have fucked it up (and then written it off as not at all working - which is what a lot of Toxic Independence was a response to), there’s been a good 50 years of R&D on the problem since. It turns out that cooperative co-living (with mutualistic, not parallel-independent or nuclear, household economies) was the meme that just wouldn’t die. The failures of white hippies weren’t because co-living doesn’t work, but probably owe more to being the first generation of middle class white people to try to figure out for the first time what everyone else has already been doing forever. Sometimes the social space shifts: geek culture is becoming a much bigger share of the middle class than before, and I feel like Toxic Independence never really caught on in geek culture the way it did in the 80s mainstream aspirational space. If anything, geek culture was the one space where a lot of hippie torches ended up passed - for example, the idea that you can have a household that doesn’t consist of one provider male and a bunch of dependents, *and* you can also have a household that doesn’t consist of two fungible co-equal earners each half-financing a significant lifestyle upgrade, and that functional households don’t have to have any one particular shape to them.  Most geek spaces I’ve ever been in, have been mixed economy to some degree. Geek households seem to come in a whole variety of shapes. There seems to be a greater acceptance of people helping or even supporting unrelated adults in many geek spaces in ways that I haven’t seen outside of geek culture, which is where we get the conversation about “that guy on the couch” but it’s also why it’s a space I’ve been able to stay in since becoming a low income person with chronic pain. (We really, really need to have a conversation about the geek culture’s problem with grifters and con artists, though. And geek culture could probably *use* a little more conversation about codependency. But this is a serious place where I don’t know how to not throw out babies with the bathwater, because that same discussion is where Toxic Independence came out of. And how to have that conversation but not fuck over the very, very many disabled people in geek culture? I don’t know.) The privilege and ableism assumptions in Toxic Independence made the whole thing fall apart like a house of cards when confronted with the Great Recession and actual intersectionality discourse. Also, the pendulum swing toward online transparency and vulnerability made it so that we began to actually see more of the shape of each other’s lives - and this revealed that so much of Toxic Independence was based on smoke and mirrors. Sometimes the environment around us changes.  In the 80s, it was possible to be totally self-contained the way that the books told us to be, on a much lower income than would be required now. In the 80s, you could live like this and be middle income. It’s much harder when you actually have to  Now, in many spaces, you probably have to be high professional income to pull this off, at minimum, *and* it assumes you will never end up primary financial support or primary caregiver for *anyone* (unless you’re wealthy enough to not require any kind of mutualistic relationship with any co-caregivers.) (This is a way that traditionalism actually was part of the death knell, I suspect. It tries to hold onto a family shape that even predates Toxic Independence *and* it explicitly identifies Toxic Independence - under other names - as a problem.) Lots of people have had to fundamentally change the shape of their households and lives to *remain* middle class, whereas 80s psychology around being middle class was hugely about shedding as many dependencies as possible.   You can only really be totally self-contained the way that the books told us to be in the 80s, if you are financially stable, if your parents are financially well set, and if you have no dependents, and if your social space allows absolutely no weaker parties.  It’s clear to me that while Boomers could carry on with Toxic Independence (so long as they actually retire affluent), Toxic Independence stopped working for a lot of Gen X. Most Gen Xrs I know are having to juggle multiple dependencies. Toxic Independence just does not work for the middle class of the Sandwich Generation. Many, many ideas get thrown away because of the Memetic Race to the Bottom; the Memetic Race to the Bottom can make lots of perfectly sound issues very, very difficult to seriously engage, and often the entire framework has to be thrown away. Which means that if there was a grievance by a marginalized party that started the whole conversation, the whole discussion has been taken away from them and the milestone shifted. (This has happened with any discussion of cultural appropriation that isn’t centered specifically in ethnically/racially specific contexts, for example.) When something is in its end phases, you’ll notice that younger people are not taking that idea up. Newer experts aren’t exploring it. The original fans or adherents will still be there, though, and they’ll eventually get older. But the ideas they talk about, will stay within their group, and the memetic space they occupy will lose broad relevance.  There is always life experience, educational background, professional context (was this a conversation between academics? Was it a policy conversation?), and *specificity* (such as, specific events - for example, *specific* grievances) in the original conversation, and when the ideas scale, it becomes a race to the bottom for whichever member of the general public (who was the least involved in the original conversation) has the least nuanced, broadest, most authoritarian, most prescriptive interpretation. And this is what happened to codependency, how it devolved from something that actually had a specific meaning and context within addiction psychology (and to my knowledge, still do), to a set of toxic social memes that mainly were about providing a social scaffold for 80s/90s middle class/yuppie selfishness culture - a way to weaponize what amounted to Applied Objectivism 101. I’ve found it really hard to talk about codependency for years because of this.  For example, I don’t feel like I’ve met anyone younger than Gen X who identifies as codependent unless they’re actually using it in an addiction/recovery context; that is not the language that Millennials and Zoomers seem to be using. I feel like it’s mostly Boomers, Jones, and Xrs that I’ve heard use these concepts, and I’ve stopped hearing them used by Xrs so much in the past 15 years.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

New Year with the band; Queen x reader

Hello people of Tumblr and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I was hoping to have had this done last night but time got away from me so I finished it this morning and so for my first fic of 2019 I present to you another part of my Rock Angel series. This is a pre-Rock Angel fic right here so this is counted before “Set it all free” when you the reader are still the intern to Miami. And after seeing Bohemian Rhapsody for the 2nd time last night, I just had to do this fic and I may have another chapter up soon, hopefully. Anyways I hope 2019 is a great year for everyone and that everyone stayed safe after last night and are taking care of themselves post-New Year celebration.

Warnings: None except for INSANE FLUFFY FEELS.

Taglist *open*:

@phantom-fangirl-stuff

@onebigfangirlworld

@mr-badguymercury

@labessieisallama

@starswin

@naturalswifty89

@isabella-bby

_____________________________________________________

*December 31st, 1980*

This has been a crazy three months and here I am in Freddie Mercury’s house with a whole bunch of strangers plus the rest of the band and their wives to ring in the New Year.  Of course Adam didn’t want to come even though I tried to convince him to come, but he said that he was just too cool to be around a band like Queen.

It was 15 minutes till midnight and 1981 would soon be here.  I was at the food table trying to get a second plate of brownies and basically fill up on sugar to keep myself awake.  Most of the people were already hammered beyond anything else so I had to walk over some of their unconscious bodies till I finally reached the guys.

“Ahh there’s our best girl!” Freddie praised at he held his glass up almost as if he were giving a toast.

“Oh stop it Fred, I literally just saw you five seconds ago.”

“Five very long seconds.” He whined as I playfully shoved his shoulder.

“Isn’t that your second batch of sweets already?” asked Brian.

“Sugar keeps me up, otherwise I’d be asleep in the corner hours ago after all that I’ve been through this semester.” I said.

“But I thought you loved us? Guess we were nothing but a stress factor to you then huh?” Deacy snapped clearly teasing me as I noticed a glimmer of mischief in his eyes.

“No, no, no, no don’t you guilt me Deacy! You know I love you guys! This has literally been the best semester I’ve had, I just can’t believe in a couple more months I’ll be done and then I won’t see you guys till your next tour before Miami clears my internship credit.”

“I can’t believe you’ll be leaving us after our tour, I feel like you should stay here with us even after the tours done. I’d miss you too much darling.” Freddie said as he leaned over and hugged me close to him before kissing my cheek.

“In all seriousness love, maybe you should cut back on the sweets, you’ll crash faster if you keep eating sugar, take some of these,” he then handed me a couple of his celery sticks and baby carrots. I looked at him with a ‘seriously’ look as I said.

“Really? Veggies Bri?”

“Less you want cavities for the new year I suggest you eat those. Otherwise I’ll have Dr. Taylor here take a look at your mouth since he studied dentistry.”

“Wait for real?” I asked as I turned around and faced him.

“This whole time we’ve known each other and you never once bothered to listen to what I did in school. Really (y/n) what kind of friend are you?” Roger said in a mocked hurt tone.  I threw my baby carrot at him which made all of us laugh and we continued to chat till the midnight hour drew closer.

Time sure does go by when you’re having fun with friends because now as everyone gathered to watch the ball drop live from New York City. We were just 2 minutes away to ring in the New Year and as everyone began the countdown, the anticipation was growing as it got closer and closer.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” Everyone cried out as horns were blown, confetti was thrown in the air and couples kissed each other to ring in the New Year.  Bri, Rog and Deacy kissed their wives to celebrate the new year, Freddie was off god knows where by now meanwhile I just sat there alone.

I sure wish Adam was here to ring in the New Year.  I mean he used to be romantic at first at the start of our relationship, always buying my flowers and leaving little poems every time he’d leave the flat, but now for some reason he thought the romantic gestures were too corny and lame for him all of a sudden, could threaten the new “Rock” image he’s been trying out.

So I secretly knew even if I did bring him, he wouldn’t go for a New Year’s kiss.  Which sucked because the believer of romance that I am, I always thought sharing a kiss with the person you loved, meant you’d have a full successful relationship in the years to come.

At least that’s what I always saw in my parents every New Years.

I sighed solemnly and decided to stop out of the craziness of the party and just have a moment to myself.  I sat along outside in the garden of Freddie’s house along the bench and just stared up into the sky.

“Happy New year mum and dad. I sure wish you could be here to see it.” I said to myself solemnly.

“Something wrong love?” I heard Deacy’s voice say. I turned around and saw the guys standing behind me all looking at me with concern.

“No, not really. At least anything serious.” I said.

“You sure?” They all came and sat around me. Deacy to my left, Brian to my right, Roger sitting in front of me and Freddie standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders every now and then squeezing them assuringly or massaging them.

“Yes, I promise guys nothing’s wrong just….missing my parents is all.”

“While we can see that’s true, there’s something else going on too. You got a little awkward once people started kissing each other, is this because of Arsehole?” Roger said.  I looked at him and said.

“His name’s Adam Rog,”

“Is there a difference?” he questioned. I scoffed at him shaking my head softly.

“I don’t know guys, I thought that maybe I could for the first time get a New Year’s kiss with the first boy whom I’ve ever allowed into my heart ever since my parents died. Oh if only you guys first knew him you’d know he was romantic like you lot are, but lately he’s just called off anything that could damage his ‘badass hard rock exterior’. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a sap.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a romantic. Neither gender should feel shame for being or hoping for a little romantic gesture in their life. Take me for example, the best guitarist of the greatest band. Makes his wife breakfasts in bed even when it’s not Mother’s Day or her birthday. I do it because I love her.” Brian said.

“And me, silent bassist John Deacon. I wrote ‘You’re my best friend’ for Veronica. Because that’s who she is and will always be to me. Not just the love of my life, but also my greatest and most treasured friend.”

“And even though we’ve broken off the engagement, Mary will still always be the love of my life. No matter what, which is why I wrote Love of my life for her, because that is who she is and will always be to me. Even though we’re no longer romantically involved with each other.” Said Freddie.

“And even though I’ve gained the reputation for ‘bad drummer boy of Queen’, for Dominque I’m willing to do anything for her. Whether its treating her to a spa day or even a day off from the kids.”

“And that’s what makes your wives and Mary so lucky to have met guys like you. I….just wish I had that guy now.”

“You will love, one day.” Deacy said as he gently placed his hand on the top of my shoulder and gently stroked it with his thumb.

“Until then you still got us, in fact.” Freddie cupped my face and had me look up at him and he kissed both my cheeks and continued, “Consider that your New Year’s kiss from me to you, darling angel.” I smiled up at him as he released my face from his hands.  I then felt my head turn towards Deacy and he said.

“Happy New Year poppet, here’s my kiss from me to you.” He then kissed my temple before I felt him lean his face against mine giving me an additional butterfly kiss. He backed away as Brian said.

“Don’t forget about me,” I turned towards him and he cupped my face much like Freddie did. He first leaned in and gave me a soft Eskimo kiss as his forehead touched mine which always made me feel safe and loved. He then gingerly kissed the center of my forehead and it was then I turned to Roger.

He grinned up at me and said.

“You know the drill, get into these arms you little imp.” I grinned at him before getting off the bench and hugged Roger. His strong arms wrapped around me instantly giving me a big, warm bear hug as I liked to secretly call them.

I felt him repeatedly kiss the top of my head and felt him rub my back.  But then I felt him starting to poke and lightly pinch around my sides, oh shit not again!

“Rog no!”

“No you’ve ended last year with a frown, when you should’ve been smiling. So that’s my first New Year’s resolution, to get you to smile.” He said with a mischievous grin as he kept tickling me. I squirmed around trying to escape Roger’s grip but it was iron clamped.

“Rog���.stohahahp!”

“Nah I don’t think so.” He said as he kept tickling me.

“You know Rog, I think you and I are sharing the exact same resolution.” Deacy say.

“No! Nohohoh Deacy don’t…..NOO!!” Soon I had both Roger and Deacy tickling me.

“For being total opposites, seems they’ve agreed on one thing.” I could hear Brian say.

“Indeed.” Stated Freddie.  

“But who says they get to have all the fun?” suggested Brian.  As I kept trying to escape from both Rog and Deacy, suddenly I felt four more pair of hands start to tickle me.

“Guhahahahys stohahahahhap you’re kihihihihlling me!!!”

“Will you start off the New Year with a smile little angel?” Freddie asked.

“YES!! YEHEHEHESS!! JUST PLEHEHEHEASE STOHAHAHP!!” And with that the tickling ceased.  I panted heavily trying to regain my breathing and I said, “You guys are devils I swear.”

“Well that was rather rude darling.” Freddie said.

“Does that require punishment lads?” Brian asked.

“I say it does.” Stated Roger.

“Agreed.” Said Deacy.  The four of them looked at me ready to start tickling me again when I shouted.

“No! No! No! No! No I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Okay I’m sorry I surrender!” They all smirked at me laughing softly.  I then looked at them and said, “Thanks for cheering me up though guys.”

“No problem love, we’re always here for you when you need us.” Brian said as he gently stroked my hair.

“Happy New Year, my four best boys.”

“Happy New Year, our little rock angel.” Freddie said. I smiled at them and I went up to them and the four of them brought me to the center once more but instead of a tickle attack, it was a Queen group hug.  

1980 was a roller coaster year for me, but the best thing that came out of it was the fact that a girl like me, an ordinary college intern music student got to call the biggest band in all of History, my family.

Hell I can’t even imagine what 1981 was going to bring that could make this year seem just like any ordinary year.

[sapphicbookclub]

Author Spotlight: Shannon McGee

I’m happy to spotlight an author of our future book club read! Shannon McGee who wrote Of Gryphons and Other Monsters and Of Dragon Warrens and Other Traps, talks about what and how much representation affects LGBT people. Read on if you’re interested in just how similarly we all feel when turning to specific representation in media.

How Representation Affected My Coming Out Process

Growing up I was shy. I had a very tight relationship with my family, but I wasn’t great at talking with people outside of it. I even went through a few years where I was That Kid™ who had a stack of books on either side of her desk and didn’t talk to anyone. As I was trying to find myself, I had an almost gluttonous attitude towards books. Books helped me understand not only other people, but also myself. They gave me the courage to form real connections by showing me the ways in which we’re all alike.

I feel incredibly lucky to have grown up in a time with a surplus of kick-butt females in books—not to mention television. Those books gave me role models who were loving, smart, funny, reserved, and strong. Lady knights and California mediators alike showed me that there were all kinds of ways to be a woman and that none of them detracted from my potential bad-assery.

However, there was one aspect of myself that I could never seem to find represented in the way I desperately wanted. My books never seemed to show me how to fall in love with a girl and not have that be my whole life. With the Amazon.com nowhere near the comprehensive powerhouse that we know and love/hate today, and Barnes and Nobles’ “LGBT” section consisting of one shelf of books tucked in next to the “Self-Help,” section, my choices in queer books always seemed to boil down to teenage depression or adult pornography. It was discomfiting, to say the least.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there’s no place in the world for those stories. Normalizing sexuality between women gets a big A+ from me. As an adult who has become fully comfortable with myself, I’ve read my fair share of romance novels. I can also see the necessity writing about girls who come out and are subsequently thrown out by their family. Stories about girls who profess their love to a friend and get rejected are relatable as all get out.

Some people really need to read those stories. They need to read that yes the sexual aspect of their sexuality is valid, and also yes finding love when you’re not straight can be hard and the pain of rejection feels unbearable and that’s all normal too.

As an unemployed teenager who wasn’t “out” yet, romance books were not an option. Even if I had wanted to read adult romance novels, (which I didn’t, gay or straight) I wasn’t about to ask my mom to buy me a book where two women were having sex—heck no. And I definitely wasn’t interested in a book which was basically designed to make me cry. Pass.

As someone who used books to help me see the heights of what was possible, what I gathered from this selection of books was that loving women was either raunchy—not my bag—or… survivable. Which was bleak. It made the idea of coming out even more nerve-wracking. Especially since I had so little to go off of! What if I came out, and then realized I was wrong? All signs pointed to the fact that there was only one way to know for sure and whether I was or wasn’t the consequences would be huge and terrible.

As a lover of all things fantasy, what I really wanted to read was the hero’s journey. I wanted wise-cracking knights, gruesome but manageable dragons, and a hero defying the odds. I wanted action-packed fight scenes, and romantic professions of love with maybe some tasteful fade-to-black moments all wrapped up in a happy ending. I wanted all the things the other books promised me was possible as a straight girl. I just wanted the girl protagonist to fall in love with another woman by the end of the series. I wanted to know that was possible.

For a long time, I just gave up looking for that kind of content. It was too hard to root out. Instead, I put a pin into that aspect of myself. It wasn’t exactly something people talked about, it wasn’t something I could try out without hugely terrible consequences, and I couldn’t read about it to get a better idea of if those consequences were worth it, so I just had to resign myself to never knowing.

I dated boys. When I didn’t want to kiss my first or second boyfriend I remember thinking, "Well this could mean anything.” I mean I could do it, there were just other things we could be doing besides stupid kissing. True, that wasn’t how the girls in the books felt about kissing their boyfriends, but maybe longing was something I would

grow into. Not wanting to hold my boyfriend’s hand or spend… any time with him… That didn’t have to mean anything.

Then, sophomore year of high school I kissed a girl at a party. We’d been drunk. Had that meant something? I still wasn’t sure. I took the pin out, and I went looking again.

By that time, the landscape of the internet was changing. Fantastic advancements had been made. Communities had formed. Lists of resources were being compiled. Fanfiction had roared into life. Tumblr? Click. Click. Wooh boy! I saw myself all over the place. For the first time I began reading my own thoughts coming from someone else’s brain. A stranger described the way my insides rolled when the girl with the short brown hair looked up and smiled at me. They talked about how falling in love with her didn’t hurt, and how it felt like warm sunlight in my chest. They wrote about suddenly understanding why people were so ga-ga over kissing, when it never meant anything before.

It meant something, and it didn’t have to mean something bad. Over the next four years I came out.

These days I have a “Battleaxe Bi” pin attached to a string of rainbow crystals that hang from the rearview mirror in my car. However, to start, my coming out was slow, and to only a select group of people. Don’t ask don’t tell culture was still really prevalent, and in a lot of ways it was how I lived my life.

I have a lot of thoughts on what it means to be a writer who is also a part of the LGBTQA+ community. For me, part of being a writer means being vulnerable. It means taking out some of your more personal hopes and dreams and sharing them to see if anyone else can relate. Growing up without seeing a lot of my own feelings represented, I understand fairly acutely why that vulnerability is important.

With that in mind, I’d been writing for years by the time I came to Taryn’s story, and it was normal for me to write my characters with my shared experience of being queer. It was basically a given. Whether they were fluid, bi, or a lesbian, if I was going to write a character she was going to like women in some way.

Still, when I came to the decision that I would be publishing this story, I had a few concerns. I think a lot of them boiled down to that old anxiety that my experiences were… well… abnormal. I mean, I still wasn’t finding many queer books at the bookstore. And what if it was worse? What if who I was truly was hate-worthy?

By 2015 seeing queer characters was becoming mainstream, and that filled me with joy, but I had also seen the backlash. Videos on Youtube of Naomi and Emily on Skins and Brittany and Santana on Glee had just as many negative comments as positive. Over the course of my life, among other things, I’d witnessed a girl I only knew in passing get kicked out when she came out, and I’d seen a friend’s grandmother harangue her on Facebook, saying she was going to Hell.

As someone who generally flew below the radar, I was afraid of being targeted and rejected.

I didn’t even advertise “Of Gryphons and Other Monsters” as a queer book before it came out, except in specific places online and to specific family members. It’s funny. Even though at its core I wanted my writing to show Taryn being a lesbian didn’t make her different I also desperately wanted readers to have a chance to get to know Taryn before finding out she was gay. I didn’t want either of us to be pigeon-holed.

Sometimes I joke that I basically used “Of Gryphons and Other Monsters” to come out to my extended family. I didn’t tell basically any of them who she was going to fall in love with. I just let them read the book and find out. They didn’t care. Turns out, it wasn’t a big deal to them, not like it was to me.

Once “Of Gryphons and Other Monsters” was out in the world though I finally let those fears go. Reviews came in and people reached out and said they loved her. I realized that I’d been acting out of a fear that was built into me in a different time. A fear based in sensibilities that we’re moving away from at a wonderfully brisk pace. Never fast enough, but faster than I can believe sometimes.

After that realization I felt way more comfortable marketing “Of Gryphons and Other Monsters,” and “Of Dragon Warrens and Other Traps,” as exactly what they were: Queer YA Fantasy. The response was immediate. My sales sky-rocketed. Turns out, in couching who Taryn was, not only was I doing myself a disservice, but I was also doing a disserve to everyone else out there who was looking for that same validation I sought as a teenager.

I know we’re not there yet, but I truly believe that we are rapidly approaching a time when that specific kind of loneliness and isolation of being a kid and not seeing your love portrayed—anywhere at worst, or as lewd or depressing at best—is vanishing. Already Garnet, Korrasami, and Bubbline are on my television—cartoon characters meant for kids, not adult character co-opted for lack of better options. My Goodreads “Want to Read” section is brimming with books starring queer ladies. The storylines available today are an ever broadening and deepening river that I get to swim in the rest of my life, and it’s only going to get better.

If you’re reading this and you’re a writer who wonders if people really want to read that gay fantasy book you’ve been writing… there are a lot of us out here, and we are always ravenous for more content. Please write. Please share. We are interested.

(As a side note: I wrote the first rough draft of this blog post before looking over past Author Spotlights and I almost laughed out loud at the common theme in our writing—we don’t want our sexuality to be the defining characteristic of our books. It’s important and in some ways it shaped me into who I am, but to quote Cosima of Orphan Black, “My sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me.”)

You can find Shannon on:  Twitter @WriterSTMcgee - Instagram @aquanaba - Facebook at facebook.com/shannontaylormcgee - website   shannontmcgee.com