#but invisible to everyone else

[area51-escapee]

Bought stuff so I could ensure I’d have lunch tomorrow but the expectation that everything is washed immediately after makes it impossible to actually do. I am in so much pain and using my hands at all hurts so badly I more or less have to choose between using them to make food or using them to clean and decide which is worth the pain. I’m so tired. I want somebody to make my lunch for me.

[itsnotmourn]

simple monster lore

[chalkscrub]

babygirl doodles from a little while ago

[soundlessdragon]

[stars-in-a-jam-jar]

Guys.

I don't think Kipperlily's great metatextual crime is level grinding.

Kipperlily Copperkettle's metatextual dungeons and dragons crime is metagaming

[contagious-watermelon]

sometimes being aro really is like. hm. I just don't have a sexuality. someone ripped it out one day and now I feel nothing for no one

[vickyvicarious]

“I made a mistake, Kemp, a huge mistake, in carrying this thing through alone. I have wasted strength, time, opportunities. Alone—it is wonderful how little a man can do alone! To rob a little, to hurt a little, and there is the end. “What I want, Kemp, is a goal-keeper, a helper, and a hiding-place, an arrangement whereby I can sleep and eat and rest in peace, and unsuspected. I must have a confederate. With a confederate, with food and rest—a thousand things are possible. “Hitherto I have gone on vague lines. We have to consider all that invisibility means, all that it does not mean. It means little advantage for eavesdropping and so forth—one makes sounds. It’s of little help—a little help perhaps—in housebreaking and so forth. Once you’ve caught me you could easily imprison me. But on the other hand I am hard to catch. This invisibility, in fact, is only good in two cases: It’s useful in getting away, it’s useful in approaching. It’s particularly useful, therefore, in killing. I can walk round a man, whatever weapon he has, choose my point, strike as I like. Dodge as I like. Escape as I like.” Kemp’s hand went to his moustache. Was that a movement downstairs? “And it is killing we must do, Kemp.” “It is killing we must do,” repeated Kemp. “I’m listening to your plan, Griffin, but I’m not agreeing, mind. Why killing?” “Not wanton killing, but a judicious slaying. The point is, they know there is an Invisible Man—as well as we know there is an Invisible Man. And that Invisible Man, Kemp, must now establish a Reign of Terror. Yes; no doubt it’s startling. But I mean it. A Reign of Terror. He must take some town like your Burdock and terrify and dominate it. He must issue his orders. He can do that in a thousand ways—scraps of paper thrust under doors would suffice. And all who disobey his orders he must kill, and kill all who would defend them.”

There's so much going on in this conversation. First, the obvious irony of Griffin telling Kemp how he understands now that he needs a helper he can trust, while Kemp is trying to ensure he gets caught in the next few minutes. Griffin saying that he will be easily imprisoned once caught but that he's hard to catch, as Kemp frets over whether they will be able to catch him now. That's pretty obvious, and both funny and also sad. It's perfectly understandable for Kemp to want Griffin to be caught even before he talks about this plan, but it sucks that Griffin's sincerity is just completely bouncing off him. Griffin is for the first time trying to make a connection with someone (something that could potentially turn this situation around) but he's been rejected from the start.

But there's also... what is Griffin talking about? This goes from 'yeah, Griffin, you shouldn't be going it alone' to 'no Griffin not like that holy shit' real damn fast. And it's really interesting in the context of the rest of his behavior, because... this really doesn't seem to match it throughout most of the book so far.

Griffin has used plenty of violence before now. He defaults to threats or physical harm when he feels too vulnerable or powerless. But while he's been reckless and careless with it, there has never really been premeditated malice to anything he does. He's not scheming evil upon others. He's mostly reacting, again, often in what seems a kind of panic. When he gets most violent, at least. He has done harmful things with forethought, but those are mostly limited to theft, and are informed by selfishness and a lack of consideration/awareness of potential consequences.

He also has been consistently motivated by curing his invisibility. He wants his resources back, and privacy/freedom to work in order to do just that. He very quickly decided making himself invisible was a shortsighted mistake, as he encountered drawback after drawback in the immediate aftermath. He also wasn't motivated by any particular single goal of seizing power when he made himself invisible. He was deeply depressed and clinging to 'seeing it through', and then panicked when he came into conflict with his landlord. His paranoia about his invention was intense, but that too is linked to him seeking control over his own life, not others' as such.

So then, why this turnaround? Well, last chapter he said this:

"I had one hope. It was a half idea! I have it still. It is a full blown idea now. A way of getting back! Of restoring what I have done. When I choose. When I have done all I mean to do invisibly."

So, now it seems Griffin's motivation has shifted. He no longer wants immediate relief from invisibility. Instead, he wants to do things while invisible first. He wants to establish a Reign of Terror, to take over a town by utilizing his invisibility in the only way he can see it being of practical use: murder and the spreading of fear. But he says that as a 'must' as 'judicious'. So it's still not for the pleasure of it. Then, why?

First, I frankly don't believe Griffin is actually capable of enforcing the kind of siege he describes here. Physically maybe (depending on how unprepared others are), but emotionally I don't think he could keep it up. He'd collapse, he'd succumb to the guilt he clearly does feel at times. When he's not in a constant state of high emotion (largely fear, which with Griffin transitions seamlessly into rage) he wouldn't be able to keep murdering people so coldly and logically. He can of course work himself up over time, and can hold a grudge, which might be enough to get him started enacting this plan, but I don't believe he could see it through all the way. Still enough to do monstrous things, of course, just not enough to be effective at establishing his goal. (And even that shows his typical lack of forethought. Does he think that no one else would help them? That this town would just succumb to him in total isolation?)

But why does he even want it? I think it actually reflects all his same motivations until now. He feels cornered and he reacts badly, lashing out at others. As the rejection builds all around him, as his options dwindle, as his fear and helplessness grow - he consistently reacts by escalating and proving everyone's worst assumptions about him correct. And right now, even though he has found Kemp and thinks he can mostly trust him, it's not enough to make him feel safe. There are lots of people actively hunting him, now. And he can't just stay in Kemp's rooms forever. He would hate the idea, would feel imprisoned. He doesn't think much of stealing from others, but absolutely hates being stolen from (and he has so little, that the loss feels correspondingly huger), especially something like his books which contain the key to freeing him. So being here is a brief reprieve but he's still deeply afraid. And that makes him deeply angry. And so he wants revenge, he wants to punish them (in general, who make him feel afraid - and Marvel in particular, who has 'betrayed' him).

He also quite likely knows even with his idea it will take an unknown but likely significant amount more time to perfect his cure. So even if all he wanted was to be cured, he would need a safe place to work until then. And the tension is so high right now, his fear of being betrayed is so strong, that I don't think he believes it would be possible to do the necessary work unless he has the town cowed under his invisible heel.

“I don’t agree to this, Griffin,” he said. “Understand me, I don’t agree to this. Why dream of playing a game against the race? How can you hope to gain happiness? Don’t be a lone wolf. Publish your results; take the world—take the nation at least—into your confidence. Think what you might do with a million helpers—”

This line is also key. Kemp urges Griffin to confide in others. All his considerations of the usefulness of invisibility were from the perspective of a lone man against a cruel world. Very selfish and very assuming of a hostile environment. This too is reflected in Griffin's treatment of the few people he has reached out to - Marvel and Kemp. In both cases, he seeks understanding and sympathy. But he also seeks it at metaphorical gunpoint, by threatening them with what he could invisibly do to harm them. It's because as much as he may pour out his heart to Kemp here, he doesn't fully trust him. He doesn't fully trust anyone. By collaborating with them, all he is doing is giving them power over him, and that means they have power to hurt him. So instead he clings to his own power to hurt them first.

In Griffin's eyes, there is no such thing as an equal relationship. There is such thing as trust rewarded, or even given freely. And so in order to ensure his own safety he has to be the one in charge. He has to convince Kemp that they will both reap great rewards, he has to be able to hurt him and get away should anything fall through.

It all ties in perfectly with his backstory of being an outsider (albino, not socially adept at all), and being poor (in many ways powerless). And of course, it is such a self-fulfilling prophecy of terrible outcomes. If you only give violence, you're only getting violence in return. Someone has to let their guard down first, someone has to be willing to trust and be vulnerable for things to ever change. But Griffin is convinced that would be a mistake to ever fully do. And as much as I want to tell him he's wrong, his experiences corroborate that view. Everywhere he goes, he's experienced rejection and hate, or nosiness and distrust at best, no matter how much he tries to be on his best behavior. Every time he even partially lets down his guard or reaches out to others, they turn on him. And of course so much of that is because of the way he never fully relaxes, the way he always keeps a threat hanging over their heads, but he's not gonna see that. All he's gonna see is that he's been right all along. That he truly is in this alone. That he has to be selfish and he has to hit first and hit harder because he is outnumbered and if they catch him he won't be able to get away.

[powerfulkicks]

ppl need to talk more about how the experience of getting diagnosed with chronic conditions can lead chronic pain sufferers to literally question their own sanity and experiences

like after getting so many tests and they all come back fine, you eventually start to question if you're even feeling pain at all or if you just somehow made it all up. you can't even identify if you're in pain anymore because every test is telling you that you're healthy. maybe everyone just feels like this and you're the weak one for not being able to handle it.

this is on top of the shit you'll get from doctors or friends or family members saying that it's all in your head or that it's somehow your fault for being in pain. you just need to exercise! you just need to eat right! do yoga! you're not doing enough!you start to think they're right, because nobody can find anything wrong with you. so it MUST be your fault!

it starts to take over your mind until you can't figure out if what you're feeling is even real. it makes you doubt that you can accurately label your own experiences. it makes you feel like a liar in your own head!

and it took me a long time to realize that i'm not tricking myself into feeling pain and what im feeling is real. and even though i might never get a doctor to tell me yes, your pain is real, and i know what's causing it, at least i can tell myself that what i am feeling is REAL. i am in pain and i am not making it up!

[simplydnp]

so funny watching this video with the context of the dan and phil of it all

[idiot-draws]

she's finally visible again!!!

[anonymocha]

There’s like 0 other lesbians at school hope this changes at uni 🙏

[iyote]

I like to headcanon Kakyoin as some form of queer because I think his backstory works really well as a metaphor for growing up closeted

[robinsnest2111]

thinking about...... how I offer hugs and affection so freely (as much as I can without feeling like i'm annoying or creeping out others) but no one ever seems to hug me.... others always hug each other. but not me. outsider looking in. feeling unlovable, untouchable. ugh

[gumy-shark]

Do you ever think about the fact that espers can awaken powers out of stress. And often these powers are trying to protect them. And one of Shous powers is turning invisible. Do you ever think about The Implications. I think about the Implications. Do you think about them

i love implications i think about them every day

[felis-the-complex-multiple]

Relieved that E is back. It felt so comforting to see her yesterday. I feel tethered again, like I’m not lost at sea anymore. It’s still stormy and the waves are choppy, but I won’t drown. She held everything I said, even when I couldn’t hold it, even when I tossed words out that I couldn’t look at and couldn’t feel and couldn’t touch. She still held it all, murmuring comforting, empathic statements to all of it.

It’s funny that one of my big fears going into EMDR was that there would be “nothing there.” That nothing would come up. That I’d finally be exposed as the fraud and liar I’m always afraid I am. It’s funny that that was my fear, when now I feel so consumed by everything that’s there that it’s hard for anything else to exist. When everything that’s there is often the only thing that’s there. It’s so big that it keeps crowding out the rest.

I don’t regret doing this. Even with how big it is. I feel like for me, the only way to the life I want in the present is to know about my real life from the past and to know my true identities. I need to know what happened and who they made us become. I don’t want my life to be one of fairly flattened emotions punctuated with triggered peaks of traumatic reexperiencing, and an existence that only occupies the narrow front strip of my brain with everything else hidden away. I have to go through as much of my recovery as I can to find the life I truly desire.

So I accept that it’s hell, and that it will be hell, but I admit I feel very bitter and resentful about it lately. I feel misdirected anger at everyone around me who gets to be free while I exist in this invisible prison trapped in invisible torment. I resent everyone who isn’t going through this. Who gets to live a life in the present without the constant baggage of a history of torture that unceasingly plays out in my mind’s eye. I struggle to understand and empathize with everyone’s mundane day-to-day woes. I imagine how they would be functioning if they had to carry half of what we carry. If they knew half of what we know. I am envious of everyone who exists in blissful ignorance.

So while I don’t regret this path, I do feel cursed with it. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more alien. Everyone else belongs to this world and this planet, except for me. I know the scripts and can go through the motions exceedingly effectively, but I exist in a different universe altogether.

I remember I once told E that I view her as my lighthouse. My stable, immovable, unshakable point in the storm, reminding me that light can shine through any darkness to show me my way back to the shore. My guide through this trauma processing work. My tether to this world, the one that I want to live in and exist within and be a part of, even though right now I feel like an alien trespassing. I know I’ll find my way there. The journey is just a massive bitch right now.

[dr11ft]

I was so fucking worried. That my art would have no further depth to explore, that I'd be a laughingstock, that I'd be wasting money. That I wasn't actually meant for this. And now, after lying to myself for years, I realize that that's just how it feels to be a developing artist. And I wanted to make art the whole time. That's what I wanted. That's what I want.