yeonban

[yeonban]

What is Tobias' mother doing in this random manga I came across,

[yeonban]

I PASSED IT 🙏🙏🙏

Anyway chat I'm off to sleep now bc I have an important exam taking place in a few hours but pwease wish me luck bc boy do I need it! 🤧

[yeonban]

"Love" coming from a person with aspd is always so fascinating for me to dissect because people with aspd don't have empathy, which means they are unable to care about how another person might feel or how they might be affected by something. Anyone qualifying as "someone else" to them is primarily a pawn to use or discard for their own benefit, so it makes sense that 99.9% of people with aspd don't ever experience love, be it familial romantic or platonic, because to love someone you'd have to first care about someone that isn't you, which for the most part they're unable to do. Which makes it all the more intriguing for me to then analyze how the few who do experience love go about it because it's always through some mind-numbing mental gymnastics and it always differs from one person with aspd to another, unlike the relative cohesion of how the neurotypical (or even neurodivergent of other categories) people love.

For some examples off the top of my head, the only person Johan loves is his twin sister Anna, and I'll argue everything he does in the show is for Anna's safety even though she doesn't agree with the things he's doing. In Johan's case, he views himself and Anna as the same person, meaning to him "Anna" is "Johan" and "Johan" is "Anna", and because of this his brain becomes unable to perceive her as "another person" & becomes able to care for her and even put her above himself. A person with aspd's #1 priority will always be themselves, but if they come to perceive someone else as themselves (as is the case here), then that person is now also their #1. In this specific case, Johan views himself as the evil part and Anna as the good part, which is part of the reason why she's more important to him than even he himself is.

Another example is Shalnark, who loves the Phantom Troupe even though he could watch any of the Troupe members die and get over it by the next day. Shalnark views the Troupe as a part of himself, and even if he and the other members were to drop dead as individuals, as long as the concept of the Troupe survived everything would be perfectly fine in his books, because in his mind he'd still exist as the Troupe, even if he were to no longer be alive and even if everyone he used to know in the Troupe got replaced by strangers. Shalnark didn't bat an eye when he had to decide whether to sacrifice Chrollo, one of his closest and most long-standing (20+ years!) friends, because saving Chrollo meant possibly losing the Troupe somewhere down the line and in Shalnark's mind that was a no brainer. Of course he'll let his best friend get killed if that means the Troupe will survive. He thinks highly of his fellow Troupe members, and they're the only people he's ever shown even the mildest of emotions towards, but at the end of the day none of his friendships with them (nor even his own worth as an individual) will ever come close to his love for "the Phantom Troupe".

Then there's Tobias, who despite having met half of the globe, only loves Ash. In Tobias' case, he kind of does and kind of doesn't view Ash as a part of himself. By which I mean he clearly realizes that Ash is his own separate person and not some extension of himself, unlike the two above's delusions, but he also recognizes that Ash is necessary for himself to exist, just as much as any of his vitals are. The primary reason why Tobias has continued to avoid death despite the sort of life he's been leading is because he subconsciously wants to make his existence worthwhile to himself. He doesn't want to just exist, he wants to live it. As a genius he knows his existence has been valuable to others, particularly to those who've used him for their plans/causes & those who've been saved by his interference in their circumstances, but Tobias himself has never felt satisfied with his life. The vast majority of it has been bleaker than bleak (be born as an intended tool -> get stripped of everything that could give you an identity as a person, i.e name turned to codename, proof of having existed in the world deleted off the databases, your alleged purpose in life being dictated by everyone other than you -> experience various forms of psychological and physical torture forever -> get used, hurt or betrayed by everyone you've ever met -> die young because of those people's causes) and as a result he's been sick of it from as far back as he can remember.

He doesn't care about what he can do for others, not even one drop, all he wants is to experience what it's like to be happy (or at least content) to have been born, because he's never perceived his life as something to be grateful for. This means Tobias' primary reason d'etre is to get to experience something other than the rage and indifference he's become used to, particularly when it comes to positive emotions, of which unfortunately due to his aspd he's only really able to feel amusement rather than any other warm emotions. As a result he places enormous importance on his own entertainment because when he's amused that's the only time he gets to feel like his life is worth the hassle. The tragedy of aspd though is that the most prevalent "emotion" people with aspd feel is oppressive boredom, which Tobias' life circumstances have exacerbated by x1000 and turned into something unbearable. Therefore he's been stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of seeking out new people to entertain him and diving headfirst into activities that could get him killed only to ultimately grow bored of them too and have to repeat it all over again, ad infinitum. Ash managed to stand out because unlike everyone else Tobias has met, Ash consistently manages to entertain him despite neither of them trying for it, which shows that Ash's mere existence is capable of making Tobias experience happiness, and by association means that Ash's existence can, and does, make Tobias' life feel worth continuing. Ash's loyalty and kind heart also add to this, because Tobias is used to entertainment being followed by guaranteed betrayal, so Ash's existence is not only something that makes him happy, but simultaneously something that's sustainable and allows Tobias to be at ease for the first time ever.

Originally, before he met Ash, Tobias' verses typically ended in his suicide, because that boredom expanded and ate away at everything else in his life until there was nothing left, and he eventually understood that nothing & no one can stave it away, hence why he always, in every verse, opted to kill himself rather than keep on living. But slowly, after the developments he's had with Ash, most of Tobias' verses now have him surviving his circumstances, because Ash is able to keep that boredom & the resulting nihilism at bay, and therefore Tobias perceives his life as something that's worth fighting for after all. This is especially obvious when you compare Tobias' verses in which Ash doesn't exist (i.e 'canon DN') with those in which Ash does exist (pretty much every other one) because no matter how much time I spent trying to come up with survival verses for him in the verse/s where Ash doesn't exist, Tobias always ends up killing himself. He's likely subconsciously aware of this too, and because of this he's come to view Ash as indispensable to himself. With Ash, he'll live. Without Ash, he'll die. Literally.

[yeonban]

I'm sorry but this appearing on my fyp right after Tobias' gift for Ash from yesterday is fucking killing me

[yeonban]

The way Tobias held me at gunpoint 'til 9 am to make sure I finished Ash's birthday ask on time...

[yeonban]

I'm laughing at how wherever I go, the BF stuff is ALWAYS right next to the DN stuff. They #Know

[yeonban]

Your muse walks in on my muse undressing and catches the various scars along their body. What is your muses reaction? What do they do?

[yeonban]

Tobias' willpower is kinda insane when you think about it bc how does he not show any signs of fatigue when he's going through batshit canon events on the daily and only gets to sleep 3 hours a day 😭

[yeonban]

Elijah's the bf in question 😭

[yeonban]

Watari after taking Tobias in:

[yeonban]

You guys will never believe what happened today when I was handed a bunch of documents and was checking to see if the info on them was correct (as in, in accordance with the info on my ID). Look at what they checked for me (<-Narrator's note: Chris is an afab trans man pre-t who has his deadname smack dab in the middle of his ID). Apparently I'm just passing so well despite all of that that cis people with no knowledge of what a trans person even is looked at my ID pic & went hell yeah. Assigned male at birth #fo sho 💯

[yeonban]

Normal people when they're stuck alone in a foreign place: (on edge) (lying that they're visiting somebody or waiting on someone) (refusing any invitation to be in close proximity to suspicious strangers)

Tobias when stuck alone in a foreign place: (lying about how he can't leave that place for who knowsss how long) (lets them know he's also a~~~lllll alone over there btw) (even goes out of his way to invite the suspicious strangers to hang out with him)

[yeonban]

Are you Tobias' type?

@kycdai asked: you know what, i thought this would be really funny to fill out for tomoko.

❛ Oh? ❜ Attaining three bingos, with several others similarly close to completion is an impressive enough feat for a stranger to manage (at least, it doesn't look as though she's been sent here with the intention of infiltrating his circle to do another's bidding, and thus these answers must either be honesty on this person's end, or her own take on what he would prefer to hear), though what truly succeeds in piquing Tobias' interest aren't the bingos themselves, but the specific combinations of checked and unfilled boxes present on the paper. While Tomoko deems herself willing to travel, she remains unwilling to trust him all the same? It's an odd mismatch for sure, but the mafioso supposes it could be the truth, merely offset by her confidence in her own ability to keep herself safe regardless of the disadvantages of possibly being brought to an unknown location. Yet this incongruity fades in comparison to the two boxes Tobias' eyes linger on, doubt quick to overflow as he contemplates the hidden catch beneath this suspicious kindness.

She allegedly isn't approaching him to seek the perks associated with his status, as said by everyone ever, yet she nonetheless regards herself as averse to betraying him? As nice as the thought of such unheard of generosity is on the underground scene, it's definitely not a prospect Tobias has even the slightest intention of putting his faith in. What's she trying at, then? The brunette figures either of these boxes could turn out to be lies, or perhaps they are perceived as truths because of her lack of knowledge on who he is, or because of the currently missing order (if she isn't working solo) to go after his life. The smile on Tobias' face remains amiable despite the distrust however, without an ounce of wariness leaking onto his features. ❛ Don't you sound lovely? ❜

He might as well go with the flow for now, and try to gauge the purpose behind her friendliness first-hand. ❛ You see, I'm actually not from anywhere near here. My car broke down this morning, and I've been bored out of my mind waiting for it to get fixed. I've even had the time to make these. ❜ At that, he sways the bingo papers, and forces desperation into his tone to accentuate his point. ❛ I was just about to go start trying my luck in finding a bar to pass the time. Say, do you drink? If you've got any nice recommendations you can show me to, the tab's on me. ❜

[yeonban]

crevice

[yeonban]

"STOP PUTTING YOURSELF INTO DANGER!" PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue for expressing your fear that the person you care about might get themselves hurt if they keep acting like this, adjust as necessary

i thought i told you to stay back.

i love you too much to let you get hurt like this.

this affects me, too, you know.

every time you leave, i sit up all night waiting, praying you'll come back alive.

you keep pulling stunts like this and something bad will happen.

do you have a death wish or something?

this isn't fair to me.

i deserve better than this.

i didn't get any sleep last night because i was so worried about you.

you promised me you'd stop going out at night.

i don't like hearing this.

you've been risking your life, and for what? so you can feel like a goddamn hero?

i said i would handle it.

what the fuck are you doing here?

you told me you'd stay put.

so much for laying low.

you remember how bad it was last time.

seems like you haven't learned anything.

i believe you promised me you'd lay low.

i can't keep doing this.

don't give me that look.

we'll discuss this later.

this stops now.

i'm tired of picking up the pieces once you've left.

you keep throwing yourself into danger.

you don't give a shit about yourself, do you?

i'm sitting here, worried out of my mind, while you're out doing god knows what.

that was really stupid of you, and you know it.

i thought you knew better than this.

what's your excuse this time?

you do realize what this does to me, right? seeing you get hurt like this? you know it hurts me, too?

you really don't give a shit how this affects me, huh.

that was the dumbest possible thing you could have done.

i need you to stop throwing yourself into harm's way.

that was completely unnecessary.

they had it handled.

you didn't need to step in like that.

why do you think you're invincible?

the last time you pulled a stunt like this, it nearly got you killed.

i can't just sit here and watch you get hurt.

what are you trying to prove?

you just like fucking with my heart, don't you.

this shit hurts me, too, you know.

you're not the only one affected by this shit.

you've got a lot of people counting on you to come home every night.

what happens if you don't come back?

you think we can just carry on without you?

you think i can handle things if you end up dead?

i'm not sticking around to watch you get hurt.

you're not even slick.

you think you're invincible, don't you.

quit pretending you've got everything under control.

let someone else do it for a change.

you can't keep putting yourself through shit like this and expect me to just sit back and watch.

i'm done with this.

next time you do this, i'm not coming back.

promise me this is the end.

look me in the eyes and tell me you'll stop doing this.

let the authorities deal with it.

you're making a big mistake.

is it worth dying for?

i've dealt with enough pain over the years.

[yeonban]

This is Tobias except he's reading this very differently than how op intended it

[yeonban]

What Are You Seeking?

Tobias: PEACE.

"i survived because the fire in me burned brighter than the fire around me." // oh, little soldier, how long have you been at war with yourself? how much of yourself have you lost to the fire that's made its home in your heart? oh, but who can blame you? for as long as you can remember, you've had to face the world alone. all bared teeth and bloody knuckles. you learned young the only person you could rely on was yourself, didn't you? learned that the others would leave you to the wolves? and so you learned how to fight, how to stand tall even if you stood alone, how to shed the softness that wounded you before. but that isn't very sustainable, is it? the embers you swallowed, the fire you cloaked yourself in, it doesn't just burn the world around you. you have watched piece after piece of you go up in smoke: your hope, your smile, your mercy. what you seek is an end to the seemingly endless burning. and, little phoenix, you deserve it. please, breathe out. lean on me. the world isn't as cruel as you've made it out to be: it is okay to stop fighting. it is okay to let go of that anger. there is so much more to you, so much more that you have. the serenity you seek can be granted, but only once you are willing to work on letting go of the hate you've harbored for so long now.

TAGGED BY: @hunting-songs Thank youuu!! I always love the quizzes you tag me in omg 🥹 TAGGING: @cinderlynx, @antinomos (Tobias demands Rize 😇), @batoushoujo, @kisumitenderly, @sosordid (Izzy this is going on your psych file ✍️), @st4rwitness (Anthy!!), @miraculpa (Hajime!), @furiaei & everyone else who wants to do this!