#but im really bad at remember to take my meds
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can anyone explain to me why im apparently on my period right now?
#i have pcos so usually. with no medical intervention. i just dont have one#i had some occasional heavy ones when i was like 14/15 and then it just stopped#and then ive been on birth control#but a mixed progesterone one#because the estrogen ones make me nauseous as hell#so ive been on that which doesnt have a skip week for your period because it just doesnt do anything#but im really bad at remember to take my meds#so i take it for like a week and then dont for a while and then take it and then dont#and it doesnt make me have a period.#but today??#ive been experimenting with taking my meds at night to see if i remember better#but havent for like 3 or 4 days#is there something about taking it at night that makes it work. better. different.??#anyway im sick i slept like shit im apparently on my period#life is hell
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#my psych who prescribes my psych meds is a resident and is moving on in a couple of months#i don't even remember the names of them all at this point#this happens over and over and I cannot find a clinic that will put me with someone who intends to stay#thst will also prescribe my adhd meds#and my anxiety meds#and the real kicker is that twice now they have LIED about it and said they would#only to reveal after all the hoop-jumping that oops sorry they didn't really mean it#so it's a risk i have to take any time i leave#and rhen there's the issue of new people almost always wanting to DO something#but instead of talking to me about it they just decide that my meds need overhauling and pressure me to go off shit that works#but that they morally object to i guess#and my psych for some stupid reason has decided she wants bloodwork for my cholesterol and blood sugar stuff and im just like#what hell does THIS presage because if she harasses me about the results or tries to put me on drugs for that#I'll give her a nasty scrap about it#im not interested in those meds at all#and im certainly not messing with my diet since food is the only pleasure i get most days and even that is marginal at best#and removing that would just make me worse#but medpros for the most part really don't give a fuck about that#and so now im afraid - because i do not and cannot trust them - that if i disapprove of the meds they will retaliate somehow#which good luck proving that when management and oversight often don't even care if they course of treatment will HARM you#if it relates to being fat or having bad numbers#they just gotta pathologize!#so yeah im sick of everything and just kind of want to bury myself in a bog forever#i shouldn't have to deal with this
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Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.
#so ive been in a bad mental state lately#because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts)#that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own#which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them#and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too#i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful#and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing#and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas#and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom#so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset#and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?'#its not good. but i havent acted on anything#AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds#i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again#i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best#im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it#but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard#so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk#btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am#and im full of manic energy#tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room
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the eepy sleeper
#im sooooo eepy#but i want to finish the tidying im doing rly bad >:#maybe a dab will fix me#honestly i should really eat smth#ive had like 2 bites of food total today#OH I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDS#ITS TIME#thats why i feel like this#lamictal is no fucking joke man i wait a little too long to take my meds & its full blown withdrawals 😭#i <3 lamictal tho she’s worth it#ok ok lamictal dab maybe some crackers and then tidying#at least a little more#i got a decent amount done today im like a tiny bit proud of myseld#immediately had persecutors in my ear saying mean stuff after i said i might be proud of myself 🤣🤣 these fuckers suck lmao#ok thats enough rambling in yhe tags#if ur reading this hiiiiii :3 i hope something nice happens to u today/tonite!’#AND REMEMBER TO TAKE UR MEDS EVERYONE!!!!#cutievents
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haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞
#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can#barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty#I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such#bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭#sanchoyorambles#I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN#GIRL MY PUBBY#if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now#he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑#which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL#screaming.#and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects#im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault#I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away#they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!!#they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭#remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧#my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby#it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know
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Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.
#speculation nation#i dont like to be psychologically analyzed. god i just remembered i have therapy this week too.#which that at least. i mean it's uncomfortable but ultimately it's just talking.#psychological testing they are gonna be Watching me. there will be the questions but also they will be judging my actions#and im so used to masking but that would actually go against me in that instance.#and i really hope theyll let me listen to music bc 4 hours of silence sounds like hell on fucking earth.#but i dont know if that's. part of the process??? put me through stress to see what makes me tick???#my goal is to get an adhd diagnosis but im also scared theyre gonna pick up on the autism.#im gonna be honest. but i didnt plan to get the autism diagnosed bc i dont want the downsides of that#ya know. societal and institutional ableism. etc etc. they might take away opportunities from me.#but it goes hand in hand. and surely it couldnt be too bad if they pick up on it...#i could manage through 4 hours without music but itd be hard. and it could do bad things to my brain.#i think im preemptively prickling up. like a porcupine. i dont want them Looking at me.#i need to just... chill out. whatever comes will come. and it's ultimately in my best interests.#this is what i need to get my adhd meds. it'll be worth it.#..... but im also worried about what else might show up. i know i got Problems. but i dont want them to... know about them.#all sorts of awful invasive questions about me and my past.#for someone who acts like such an open book i really am so allergic to actual emotional vulnerability huh?#decent chance i'll just dissociate thru the whole thing. to get through it.#cut the emotions off. who needs em. the brain can factually answer things without the emotions' input.#anyways im gonna go do some chores. peace#negative/#lol.
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i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it
#i feel like it’s getting worse too#like its always hasn’t been great but the past few weeks have been especially bad#why can’t i remember things!! why is my short term memory sucking ass!!!!!!#like if i don’t write/type things down i loose it#making me wanna rip my hair out what the fuck is going on!!!!!#gonna start playing those phone games that improve memory or whatever#it’s either that or going to my mom for an essential oil recommendation#i know it’s probably some undiagnosed shit but im also like. i can’t keep blaming whatever is wrong with my brain because its a problem with#/me/. ya know?? like. yeah it is something with my brain. obviously. but i need to take some sort of action to fix it. and i dont know what#that action is#besides the two options i said before#or carrying a fucking notebook around and writing down everything. which is stupid also and i know won’t last a week#problem is im gonna forget about any rule i come up with since as soon as im preoccupied with something else. i’ll forget the rule#i would need a hat with the reminder on paper tapped to the hat#so it’s always dangling in front of my eyes#i don’t know what else to do at this point!!!!#it’s making me so worried about going away for college. cause yeah i did really well at community. but if i have the deteriorating memory#of a goldfish who’s constantly banging its head against the glass. how am i gonna make it through university.#i love writing essays in the tags that no one will read <3#having a ball rn. a great time. not feeling like a waste of resources at all rn. feeling great.#if my mom doesn’t let me wear my earbuds tomorrow i think ill scream#anyways. gonna bake some blueberry lemon sweet rolls tomorrow#me rambling#i love being undiagnosed#but let’s be real#being diagnosed won’t give me anything other than more of an excuse#because i can’t go on meds with my current living situation#and i also don’t really want to go on meds because i don’t trust them#feeling silly i think ill actually post this one maybe someone has a suggestion for what to do#vent
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the anxiety is all consuming
#teamcasper#i cant wait for my meds to start doing shit i want to be a normal guy so bad#im supposed to start a 40 hour work week this week and i dont know if im physically or mentally capable of that#and imr eally stressed abt it bc i dont want to be fired but if i get sick from working to much i will be fired if i call out#soooo ^_^#but im like . really good at talking myself out of starting conversations bc i dont like talking to ppl abt specific things w/o making a#script for myself so i know what i want to say and how i want to say it even though i definitely dont need that most of the time#i havent been able to sleep well the past few days im losing it okay !! <3#crying sobbing i want to be normal i keep crying remembering everything and i am so worn out and overwhelmed by everything#but its fine im gonna be fine and okay i just need to not throw up and remember to take pain killers when my head hurts !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
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It's late so I'm screaming into the void AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#im sick of pain and heartbreak#it's really so exhausting having my spirit crushed#then i remember oh thats right thats why i don't open up#but shutting down is how i got here#years later dealing with shit bc i essentially paused my feelings to survive#it makes me feel weak but on the other hand both of my therapists dealt with ppl in similar situations that were institutionalized#and thankfully ive never been that bad#i mean i dont even sh or drink#i smoke but i literally have a med card so idc lol#im doing good i really am#im taking care of myself better than ever#but its still too much sometimes#urdtarah complains
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rubs my face and grumbles and kicks a rock so hard it shoots clean through the wall
#i keep forgetting to take my nighttime meds. which are the important ones that keep me#a.) feeling normal and humanlike b.) from flying off the handle#and it makes me so maddd it makes me feel like a fucking dumbass. girl why can't you just Remember#and knowing i have to go through a day At Risk Of It Being Nightmarish stresses me out so bad it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy#grumbles and kicks another rock at high velocity#and im tired. im really really tired.#quiet down
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i have a disorder called gets a fic idea then blacks out until it's done
#last week i forgot abt uni work entirely and today i accidentally wrote 5k in two hours. yesterday i wrote on my PHONE the entire train ride#home when i got this idea#that was like an hour half#im so tired but all i can think abt is writing help#LMAO YEAH AND I JUST REMEMBERED last week on my last work i went to my favorite café at noon then next thing i knew the staff came up and#told me they were closing in 10 minutes. it was 5pm. i had written so fucking much#i know im ill but like i also.. have to get myself into the headspace. like today i blasted sad music with an iced coffee after serrating my#skin by writing on it with pen and smoking a fag. i feel like im two seconds from not taking my meds so i can really FEEL the suicidality#and write so so good but that's a bad fuckin idea so im gonna stick with writing slightly slower/needing more editing for the tone of#someone who wants to die deeply and keep my mental health in tact#anyway i love projecting onto characters to work through my own problems it's so !!!!#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
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hm one thing im not happy with on the original post is i said the staff hate campaign has been going on longer than the transandrophobia debate and then immediately talk abt matt maybe being the source, but i don't actually know how long he's been CEO, nor do i have the best sense of time regarding how long the transandrophobia thing has been going on, i was just going off of the fact that it just. feels like that's the order of events as i remember them. but also i mean i guess that is. actually just how remembering things works now that i think about it? i may be overthinking this
#like. i have to remind myself that recounting things per your memory is actually a legitimate way to frame a statement#i feel like i have to have a fully bulletproof shield so that anyone approaching in bad faith can be easily bounced off#so now im like 'ah man what if my shit sense of time made me misremember the order of events and people latch on to that'#although presumably by now if there were any obvious errors they would've been pointed out by estradiolwhatever right#like if 'terfism isnt just woman good man bad' was the best she could come up with then maybe i did a good job w it#ah wait this is the times im supposed to go reread those screenshots i see now#get dunked on brain#im also now remembering im currently up Very Late bc i forgot to take my meds until a bit later than usual#and shockingly the ipad baby meth will keep you awake if you take it later than you should#it's supposed to be fine as long as it's within a few hours though so this might just be my normal insomnia kicking about#its not like ive really Had A Sleep Schedule in a while#dw am heading to bed soon#origibberish
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I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.
#ive survived all nighters before ill scrape through the day itll just be Rough. at least i dont have much in my schedule#im not gonna take the dose this morning bc i think thats a really bad idea to do on zero hours sleep#and i can't risk two consecutive all nighters. like I have done that before but not while working full time 💀 its not worth it#drafting an email to my doctor to let her know im skipping day 2 + ask advice re. whether its worth resuming again on day 3#bc she did list 'trouble sleeping' as a common symptom that often passes but i need to know a) how long it usually takes to pass and-#b) if this is unusually bad + would she rec supplementing with a sleep aid or just switching tack entirely and trialling a non stimulant#by this stage of the night i dont think its actually acting anymore bc i took it at 7am and its now 3am. it shouldnt last that long#i think its more just triggered my preexisting insomnia. my ability to sleep is very very sensitive sometimes + hates routine changes#just so fucking frustrating bc ive spent the past 2 months nailing my sleep routine + ive had a couple weeks of being able to-#go to bed like 9:30-10 and it only takes an hour to get to sleep and i get usually a good 7 hours sometimes 8 only waking once halfway#and i dont feel like utter shit like yeah im tired but from work not so much lack of sleep.... and now thats all fucked lmao#whatever. maybe i should just take the next dose anyway#ill see. gonna try to sleep for another 2 hours but once it hits 5 im not doing this anymore ive been trying for six hours already man#i cant even remember when i last pulled a full all nighter. it might be longer than 6 months ago... i was doing so well :-(#im so mad i was so hopeful it would have SOME good effect like ik its not a miracle worker + these things take time but so many people-#seem to have an immediate positive response even if its probably a placebo. and i got fuck all except This.#i was searching on the reddit for sleep issues and other ppl only seem to report bad ones on higher doses or years in..#like damn. do i even have adhd then. ik thats a stupid thing to think bc obvs everyones body metabolises meds differently etc but still#it is ALMOST HALF 3 and i am FUCKING TIRED#UGH. alright bedtime round 189447383#.diaries#.vent
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i know its an ongoing mental health joke when your meds actually work for you but i forgot to take them consistently for a while and completely forgot on vacation and then like 3 days of taking them and im doing things and no longer miserable. thanks lexapro
#not even a doing so well i stopped taking them thing im just bad at taking meds every day#when i was a kid my mom would just make me bc after my splenectomy/cholesysectomy i had to take antibiotics and stuff for like 6 months#but thats why i have the bc implant im just so bad at remembering to take meds#especially when i feel burnt out or out of whack and then the lack of meds makes it worse and i dont realize i havent been taking them until#its like really bad#my chronic symptoms get worse like pain and everything anyone who says depression is all in your head is a fucking liar bc that bastard#makes my pain soooo fucking bad#anyway lexapro is a beautiful angel to me i love them but they make my hands swaet
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