#but im hoping they will at least be talked about tomorrow
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365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 220
Adjective: Magenta
Noun: Void
Definitions for those who need/want them:
Magenta: red-purple in color; possessing a light purplish red that is one of the primary subtractive colors, complementary to green; colored by the dye fuchsin
Void: a completely empty space; an unfilled space in a wall, building, or other structure; an emptiness caused by the loss of something; (in bridge and whist) a suit in which a player is dealt no cards
#today has been a rollercoaster#i was supposed to get three hours off#but because a coworker put a bunch of stuff on me as i was leaving for lunch (i was supposed to be off afterward) i only got one hour#so that was fun#and im still dealing with other more pressing and scary issues at work#but im hoping they will at least be talked about tomorrow#anyway i love this prompt for a variety of reasons#one of them is that it makes me think of the recent film adaptation of l*vrcr*fts 'colour out of space'#and how 'magenta' was used for the titular phenomenon because 'magenta' is basically a phenomenon to the human eye/brain#and the idea of a 'void' being 'magenta' for this reason has a lot of fun and/or ominous implications#as i often am im excited to write something for this prompt#thanks for reading#writing#writer#creative writing#writing prompt#writeblr#trying to be a writeblr at least
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HEY. YOU.
I AM GRIPPING YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE BY THE SHOULDERS. CRINGE IS DEAD. FANWORKS REIGN SUPREME. I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED ANOTHER DRAWING OF MY EGG OC'S WHILE PROCRASTINATING ON THEIR LORE.
Also don't worry, the summer camp event won't be the only event I do, you can join the playdates at any time (and even initiate your own events! I'll be so excited if you do!!!)
aaaand I also would be so super excited to see your eggsona because I'm always excited to see eggsonas :D That's kind of my thing over here lol.
(I hope you don't mind me calling you out, @raineedayss )
#fr though cringe is dead. I know for a fact people have unfollowed me because I talk about my OCs more than I do my gimmick. But honestly...#I want to make at least 1 person HATE my art. Because that means I'm loving it enough. if that makes sense. I should be able to anger-#a person with how much i love my art#Whatever that post about the peacock feathers was about#oh also the art prompts aren't specifically summer camp related anyways. you can just Do Those lol#anyways im done rambling so im gonna go schedule the drawing for tomorrow and pass out kkkkkk. i hope everyone has a good day/night#not a poll
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well most of today I was feeling really bad but my mood randomly perked up around 1am so it wasn't a complete loss at least. posted at 5am when I should be sleeping
#i have therapy tomorrow i think so I'll talk to her about this big dip bc ough that was rough.#i wasnt sure if it was gonna get any better before bedtime but it did so thankfully im going to bed on a good note#didnt get anything done today but thats okay i needed some rest time.... tomorrow i will draw if i am able#and if not that's okay. just try to focus on taking care of myself i suppose.#im hoping im not slipping into a new depressive episode but if i am at least ill be able to catch up on some sleep#i have not been sleeping well lol
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✨noping out✨ of an awkward situation li k e
#(nansu’s mona interview was too cute so i *need* to laugh at lxl to end the night normally im not sorry—)#tonight’s dance is fiancé!!!!!!!!! the camera angles are a thing of beauty in this one y’all h a v e to watch it if you can#ok that’s enough of lxl i can see the gif past the tags anyway so. well~~~~~~~#anyways!!!! the mona interview!!!! the tl;dr of it is basically just nansu talking about mona’s 2nd album + the concert#and how the concert came about (long story short: she said ‘i wanna perform live as mona!’ to the staff in passing and her wish was granted)#***if i didnt read it wrong that is… um. proper tl this weekend if i have the energy i promise~~~~~#yk what since it’s just 2 pages in total i might as well tl the entire thing. it’s not as wordy as some of the past lxl + ft4 interviews so.#since her concert’s on saturday too… aaaaaaaa i wanna go~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#mona live >>>>>>> lxl live you agree y/y—#only reason to look forward to lxl’s live is for the lxltwt fanartists’ drawings of the performance btw#bc m a n. they actually manage to make the dances seem decent (if only in the form of exquisite drawings)#the spell of the fanartists is lifted the moment the actual lxl dances break free from containment though lmao#i still recall having high expectations of tsuki no hime’s dance thanks to the fanart… then i saw *it*.#b u t since mona’s live will have songs from both albums im expecting lxl’s live to be the same in that regard#at the very least last stage and oshimahou should get dances… i think#i hope they actually do the heart poses in oshimahou though bc that’d be hilariously cringe (and suki.kirai already did it better no cap)#o k that’s enough lxl for one night gnnnnnnnn~~~~ see y’all tomorrow afternoon for a possible mona concert twt!!!!
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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personally I don't like this ish (pointing to my emotions) and if I could remove one very specific one I am struggling with at the moment, that would be SOOOOOO very convenient and helpful, Lord
#you know that thing where it's like hope is hemophilia you bleed and you bleed and you bleed#yeah well i'd like to stop bleeding already there's literally nothing there's literally NOTHING i'm working with!!!!#alright im tired so i WILL talk and then will delete this tomorrow but. i love this boy so much and it is personally Killing me#it is also deeply embarrassing the extent that i care about him and how silly my behaviour has been as a result#i literally cooked for half the dorm because i wanted to make food for him. like girl whyyyyy#do i need to go down to breakfast at 7:30am every single day? no. do i go because i know he's always there before his class? yeah#do i worry about him and wonder about him and ask him about his day pretty much every day? also yes#it has been SUCH a mess of sticky notes and asking about what he needs prayer for and buying the same brand of cookies because i know#they're his favourite and simply losing my MINDDDD which is so silly because i KNOW he ***** ******* ****#he literally TOLD me about this. the door is already CLOSED. WHY must the delusional voice in my head harp on in this way!!!!#alsooooo i hear his voice in the hall and my heart literally starts to hurt it is SO bad#there's way more than this but that's all i'm willing to admit because even when tired i at least have some sense of wanting to preserve#my dignity. anyway#the waiting room chapter
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some irl whump as a sort of update on how i’m doing:
trigger warning for self harm and abuse
on sunday i got a text from one of my abusers and it caused a panic attack so bad i ended up relapsing in self harm. as i went to stand up though, i got really dizzy and sweaty and fainted right into the bathtub. the shower curtains fell right on me and my mom found me in the tub. i don’t remember much from that initial moment aside from mumbling “mom i did something bad” to her and telling her that i’d relapsed. she was actually super understanding and kind and gentle with me and wasn’t mad like i worried she would be. i explained the panic attack and the text to her and she checked me for a concussion and helped me recalibrate myself. it was such a??? jarring moment because i’d never??? fainted before and genuinely thought i was dying LMAO. everything happened so fast and my head still kind of hurts but i thought i’d share because that is. whumpy if it’s not anything else!!
#whump blog#irl whump#ryn.txt#im alright now but holy…#at least i’ll have something to talk about in therapy tomorrow#hope y’all are well#whump
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#honestly they moved me to a different office right now so im not alone in my place anymore and tbh i should not be complaining bc at least#this one gets warn fast and im not in the open first to call usually and all but idk i feel like an intruder there and miss having lots of#place and the fact noone seen my screen etc and just overall i would prefer sitting next to the guys but also 😶 idk i just dont like anyone#hearing my phone calls etc and also i fucked up at work today BADLY but noone knows yet and this sounds like i fuck up a lot but i always#called the smaller mistakes this too i guess shskd also i almsof argued with a man who's our client on the phone but for gods sake i do know#i am right and idk if he's making me feel stupid or something or is he using one of my mistakes for his own good idk idk idk it will be a#nightmare to make this work now#and also we are having some kind of meeting with food etc tomorrow in the office upstairs but also rhe atmosphere is so not it and dudes not#at work tomorrow and he should be the one in there and like idk it all works like a fucked up chaos i also almost argued with the d irector#today bc of this lmao almost on dude's behalf bc tht waa the situation that pissed me off first#and i got to walk or catch a bus home tomorrow and like my mind does work so fast and keeps overthinking lately 😕#walking isnt the best best for me tbh#also i made plans with my friend and i do hope i open to her during the weekend bc i want to talk about everything so badly but at the same#time idk like i cant talk about personal things anymore (except here) she doesn't know what is making w suffer 😔#i think i made a decision about monday tho not the best one but both were bad so at least here i am...#anyone i am still helpless and that's what the sentence will end at bc i don't want to say the same thing again and again and again#anywya i have to delete this bc its too much details soon
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Hello there! I saw your pen sketch post, and I do love low-effort $5 crazy sketches. Are you still offering them?
Yep! I'm about to head for bed for the night but feel free to go ahead and send details for me to do them tomorrow :>
#im trying to force myself to be looser with my art but i can only think of so many things to draw lately u_u#so far ive mostly been drawing ocs and from life (redrawing pics i took in yellowstone) but i want more variety#what better way than to have someone pay me to draw something they tell me to draw so i dont have to think abt it LOL#and also to draw without thinking about it Even More#also i hope u dont mind i publish this in case anyone else would also be interested :>#but yeah send me another ask or a dm about what you'd like me to draw for you#and tomorrow when i confirm I Can Do That For You i will accept payment at paypal.me/virtualbeetle !#up to your discretion at what point you send payment btw! i wont start things til i have payment but i expect most people#will probably want to talk things through at least a little bit first lol. unless the prompt is super vague on purpose for whatever reason#ok im rambling i need to sleep .
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briefly confided in my mother (mistake i never learn from) about how i am very sad that my ability to have a social life in the world is tied entirely to my sibling, who will be leaving here soon, and how i do not have any other way to get out of the house and how i do not feel i have anything besides work and despite everything that came after, including an apology for saying it, the first thing she said was “well i don’t have anything else either” which is exactly what prevented me from saying anything earlier because i knew that and i know that she is very good at going “it is what it is” about the most miserable of conditions and so would never admit to being unhappy about anything even though there is so much to be unhappy about including having to raise me to begin with, and that she also gets annoyed when others complain or are unhappy about anything because SHE does it and so why can’t everyone do it. and. well. i am pretty nervous about what this means for my life (nonexistent) going forward
#it is a cold thing to say but i feel like i have like. a month to befriend my sibling's friends that will be staying here#enough to want to spend time with me or else i am never going to get out of this fucking household#i dont have many coworkers my age and even fewer that i talk to because i dont like talking to people very much#which is also a massive problem because i want to but i am weird and shy and not always a fan of people and again very strange#but i can barely functionally navigate the world on my own to an upsetting degree. if i dont have someone with me i cant do it.#i am kind of freaked out about all of this. i have today off and work late tomorrow and i wanted to maybe go out tonight#but i. can't. because no one here wants to and im fucking scared to death of calling (and paying for) an uber#and then being out in the world on my own. so i just get to stay here.#not even mentioning i am fairly certain there is a new wave of That Virus going around so what would even happen if i did#which is also fuckinggggg miserable i am the ONLY PERSON who wears a mask to work besides the deli department#drops head in hands im never going to befriend anyone im never going to go anywhere again im never going to touch anyone#i do not want to say this because i am a very repressed person but i am never going to hook up with anyone which is disappointing frankly#i can BARELY text anyone and i am often in too much pain to even walk to the one thing i can do alone which is the library#like. oh my god! my life has no meaning. i trudge along thinking 'maybe it will get better'#and its not all been bad i DO have kind of an almost social life when my sibling takes me to do things with their friends#i got to play dee n dee yesterday and it was cool even though i panicked a few times under attention#ive been able to do things. i have some coworkers i like or at least talk to. im very competent and people like that though they know#nothing else about me besides that im good at my job.#but having those moments of like honest to god Hope makes it feel infinitely worse the rest of the time when im just#staring at the clouds and the clock and thinking oh my god it was all for this and it was not worth it#whatever. classic post of buzz. this doesnt matter and i dont know what the point in talking about it is but i dont have anything else#a job im good at and hate and a blog where i complain and a death wish and thats all. an unbearable early 20s myopia#this is stupid im going to do something else since ive upset myself. AGAIN
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#not quite a vent but#todays been a low energy kind of day#a bit heavier than yesterday and thursday#ive been wasting the day mostly doomscrolling and trying to manifest the energy to do at least one productive thing#so i dont feel like ive wasted a day#last night was fine. i was doing good. i even managed to write a little#todays just. ugh. thats the mood#school is officially over but i still have lots of things to figure out and its just. tiring to think about#i know itll pass. and i know i need to be patient w myself#but i hate those days#i just feel bad. no energy. like theres a cloud hanging over my head#heres to hoping tomorrows better ://#in some better news as well. i talked to my parents abt this#and it went so much better than i couldve hoped for#its still weird. like im waiting for the other shoe to drop but i think thats just me#if u read all of that here's a cookie and a hug and a reminder to hyrdate!! drink water!!!#<333
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I forgot i did this silly little sketch like a month back of some alternate timeline where websoup was a good person. I think it was inspired by some tiktok art challenge?idfk man do with this information what you will lmao im off to bed
#websmp#i guess ??#my brain fucking hurts my dude#it hits like 2am and my eyes suddenly feel like they’re burning#idc about this piece enough to tag it properly to be quite honest i just thought id upload it bc its honestly kinda useful in knowing about#actuala websoup#wahoo#still cant stop saying that apparently#i gotta get the fuckin session summaries done im quite excited for them tbh#im going to b&a tomorrow and im gonna find a paint colour for my room when i move back#which is hopefully gonna be ina. couple weeks. slay#this has kinda become a little ramble about my day. i hope u enjoyed websmpers#and anyone else who sees this#oh im gonna SLAY tomorrow#in terms of my outfit#my twitter will see it#i use twitter too much actually i just like ot talk about my innermost thoughts#which probably??? isn’t a good idea bc my innermost thoughts are#odd#to say the least#Jesus fucking Christ im finishing these tags here this is a fucking essay
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Idek what to say at this point
#me talking#sexuality stuff#college :)#<- but also not really anymore but im just gonna count it because this is where i talk about my friends#so. i REALLY want to see cam as soon as. like if he asked to see me this week id find a way to fit it in.#BUT i cant just invite him along to spuds plans when theyre not MY plans because of the ''drama'' of it all.#and i dont even remember his schedule for this month— i might see if he can come to the 29th thingy but idk if hes free#we'll see.#MAYBE if i play my cards right hell invite me to something for his birthday but i doubt it and thats okay#either way (and the point of this update): were gonna be meeting uo beginning of next month just us two#-> which will be the first interacting irl since mid september!#we wanna go and see the.sub.stance so im hoping its still in cinema and well be exchanging birthday presents! so. yeah!#i am extremely anxious about it lmao#but i really wanna start talking to him more. i think ill ask him tonight/tomorrow for his number and then#that’ll lead to talking more and calling and then ill be more at ease for meeting up and seeing where it goes from there‼️#im hoping to be dating by the end of november tbh#i hadnt consciously had that thought before but yeah thats where im at#i just think thats a good amount of time (i mean.its a month and a half away) if we talk as much as i want to start officially considering—#us as at least more than friends.#also it just doesnt feel fair to me to hang on for too long if it feels like nothing is going anywhere.#but yeah! still cant tell if this is a foolish one situation or mastermind situation yet but! we'll see!#so tired of hearin' all your boy problems#what if i told you none of it was accidental
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I fucking hate the early stages of getting better where you only have maybe 1 or 2 solid, semi-healthy coping mechanisms that aren't the most reliable at all times and you're still shaky about it all. I'd rather just be better, but at least when I'm not okay at all I lose all hope in where I could be and I've already forgotten how it feels to be okay and stable. and I KNOW I need more, solid coping mechanisms. but I just went from absolutely no healthy ones and zero hope of getting better to having a few healthy-in-moderation ones and being able to verbalize some basic life goals, so this is progress. I'm not there yet, but this is what I've got and I'm getting there. And it fucking sucks because every time I get here it only becomes so much more obvious how far I have fucking slipped.
#and i hate the early stages of talking#because one of my healthier coping mechanisms is talking#and i hate everybody so its a lot of talking to him#and i cant really insert myself into his life like that yet because there isnt commitment or obligation#not that i would anyway often#but i feel like shit#and hes going out to do things with his brother#which good for him and i genuinely hope he has the best time#but i feel actually so bad that if we were properly TOGETHER together id ask if it were possible to reschedule#or if i could at least come over after and maybe spend the night#or ask for a check-in when he has time or SOMETHING#especially because i didnt get to see him yesterday and i probably wont tomorrow because he works later#but we arent there yet or anything#and i dont want to be clingy#i probably wouldnt make him reschedule or anything even if we were together like that#but i really wish we were staying over level right about now#because he probably wont even consider inviting me over if he gets home at 8-9 or even later#but i miss him because the anxiety spike im having is BAD and i havent seen him in a bit so now im wondering if he actually likes me at all#(pure anxiety talking and i have no reason to believe it but that doesnt make it fully go away)#and i would at least like a phone call or something#but i hate phonecalls because im quiet as hell so theyre awkward and im a sit in silence typa bitch#and he knows i hate phone calls#and hes talked at length about how he hates phone calls and prefers messages and all that#so i think hed take me seriously if i asked him to call#but i also dont want to worry him if hed take it seriously if i asked him to call#because he should enjoy his day off and do fun things and not feel any need to hang out with me all the time or anything#i dont want him to feel like he needs to schedule his life around me ESPECIALLY when we arent even together#vent#whores lovesick musings
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sleepy.
eepy.
fucking dead tired exhausted even.
#sleeept like shit for 2 weeeeeeks. someone heeeelppp meeeeeee#i had a training course this week so im extra exhausted.#hope i can fucking actually get rest this weekend#talk tag#at least i can stay up till i fall asleep and not worry about a set time to get up#no alarm tomorrow!!!
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crazy how I had an entire 3 day weekend and I didn't do anything fun just for myself. at all
#no wonder ive been feeling this bad ive just been fucking checking off tasks#even playing elden ring isnt fun anymore im just finishing my completion list#the thing is there isnt really anything i want to do. except sleep but i cant do that all day so.#and to be fair ive been feeling rly ill from meds. but still i couldve at least watched a movie or tried to draw or smth#and i kept saying i was going to but i didnt aurgh. well lmao. theres next weekend i guess.#i dont fucking know how everyone else does so much i rly feel like im fighting for my life just to get by every day#crazy how a week ago i was talking abt meds significantly reducing my depression. ig that was a fluke. or maybe this is the fluke#but i dont want to get my hopes up. its rly just like this isnt it. man#cant stop fucking crying this is so embarrassing even though theres no one around. i hope it doesnt happen at work tomorrow#whatever literallt who gives a fuck i need to stop making 5383047 posts complaining a day and do it in a journal privately#maybe if i just shut my mouth forever my life would be better. much to think about#sorry to anyone still reading these#.diaries
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