#hearing my phone calls etc and also i fucked up at work today BADLY but noone knows yet and this sounds like i fuck up a lot but i always

[catchmewjsn]

.

[the-froschamethyst4]

Proposal

𖤐Pairing: Alex x F! Reader

𖤐Pronouns: She/Her

𖤐Warnings: fluff, kissing, hints of smut, language, talks of marriage, the 'L' word,

𖤐Summary: Alex has seen his friends get married, have kids etc., him and his girlfriend Y/n are new to the relationship but Alex is very impatient and wants to marry Y/n ASAP

————

————

Alex sat in the mess-hall looking at his friends all talk about their wives and kids. Price was showing Soap and Ghost a picture of his baby girl with her foot in her mouth, after getting out of her bath.

"She's so cute," Soap says, taking the phone.

"How'd you manage that, Price?" Ghost asked.

"Oh you know, genetics," Price says, leaning back and bucking his hips up a little bit.

Alex then looks at Alejandro and König, exchanging wedding photos. Alex was in a relationship with his girlfriend Y/n for 6 months, still new into the relationship but Alex wants to marry her, so BADLY but Y/n has admitted not being ready for marriage just yet.

Alex gets up from his spot at the bench and starts to head back to his post.

"Hey, Alex, where you going?" Price calls.

"I have to get back to my post," he says.

Alex opened the door of the mess hall and leaned against the brick wall gun at his side and pulling his phone out. He looks at his lockscreen for a few seconds, it was a picture of Y/n in a sundress and they had their first date in a field of wildflower which Alex figured his was allergic to wild flowers.

He stares at her before opening his phone.

Alex: Hey I may head to the store before I come home, do you need anything?

Love: Maybe coffee creamer, eggs, bread, milk, and dish soap

Alex: Weird combo

Love: I was gonna go today, but I was caught up in work

Alex: I understand, I'll get you them

Love: Thank you

"Y/N I NEED THOSE FILES ON MY DESK AS-FUCKING-P!!"

"What a fucking jerk, Y/n I don't understand how you've been here for 5 years and have to put up with him."

Y/n works for a large corporation and was the assistant to the CEO, she wasn't always an assistant, he calls it his 'promotion' to her from being an employee to the finance department.

"I don't know either...I think I'm just use to it," she says.

"Anyways...how are you and Alex?"

"We're good."

"6 months right?"

"Yep...7 in a few days," Y/n smiles as she's typing on the keyboard.

"Do you...plan on getting married anytime soon?"

"I mean, I'd like to get married but I feel like we're still new into the relationship-"

"You two already live together, you both co-signed on somethings right? I think you two are already for marriage."

"But it's been 6 months, going on 7, I think we still need more time..." Y/n says, turning to her printer and grabbing papers off her printer and placing them in a labeled folder, she gets up from her chair and walks to her bosses office.

She knocks and hears a deep voice telling her to 'come in'. She opens the door and placed the file in a black tray and walked out.

"It's about damn time," he says, Y/n rolled her eyes as her back was turned to him.

She shuts the door behind her and mumbles. "Asshole."

--------

Alex takes his gear off as he enters his car, starting it up and heading to the store but he had to make a little pit stop at the jewelry store.

He cleans himself up and opened the doors to the store, he looks around to find a free consultant.

"Hi," he says.

"Oh hello sir, what can I help you with?"

"I was here a few days ago, I think her name was Amy, she helped me pick a ring out and sized it, I'm here to pick it up."

"Okay, what's your name?"

"Alex Keller." He says.

"Okay, give me a few seconds," she says, walking away to the back. Alex looked at the display case seeing some necklaces, one caught his eye, it was was of two hearts interlocked together. one was silver and the other had light pink diamonds.

"Alex Keller here you go."

"Thank you, could I also see that necklace with the two hearts."

"Yes, of course." She puts on some silk white gloves and pulled the necklace out. "This is part of our Valentines Day collection, so it's fairly new," she says.

"Could I get that?"

"Of course," she pulls out a black velvet case and sets the necklace inside. "With the necklace and the sized ring, your cost is $400,000."

"Here you go, thank you."

"Any time," she says.

Alex walked out of the store looking in the small black bag pulling out the ring and looked at it. It's perfect, it's something Y/n has been talking about for years, her dream ring and he was able to find a store that sells it.

It looked like something from a fantasy. It was gorgeous and he knows Y/n will love it. He placed the small bag in his passenger seat and placed his vest over it so it doesn't fall into his floorboard.

--------

Going home Alex felt nervous, scared even, he carried in the grocery bags along with the small bag of jewelry. He sets the bags on the marble counter and started to hide the jewelry in his underwear drawer, but kept the necklace out to give to her once she comes home.

Alex started to place the food in their correct places and at this point just waited for Y/n to come home.

He changed from his gear to some comfortable clothes.

After a while Y/n came home, kicking her heels off at the front door and then looked up seeing her boyfriend waiting for her before she made it passed the mud room.

She walks up to him with a smile on her face and stood on her tippy toes, kissing his lips and then was immediately picked up. Her legs wrap around his waist and her arms around his neck.

"How was work?" He asked.

"Don't get me started," she whines, putting her head back annoyed and Alex chuckled at her, kissing her neck.

He walks to the couch sitting down with Y/n now on his lap. She moves her hair off her left side of her neck and looks at Alex.

"I got you something," he says.

"What?" She was confused.

She let's him up and he heads to the master bedroom and soon came back with the black velvet box and handed it to Y/n.

"Alex-"

"Just open it, angel," he says, sitting next to her and she opens and saw the gorgeous heart necklace.

"Alex," he just smiles taking the necklace and Y/n turns letting him put it on her neck.

"Do you like it?"

"Love it," she says, turning back to him and kissing him. "But why?"

"Because I love you," he says.

"I love you too, but...do you want something?" She asked.

"No, because you are all I need," he says, bring her back to his lap.

Alex was now just peppering kisses all on Y/n's neck, shoulder, chest and temples. Y/n smiled as he was showing her so much love than usual.

"Alex?" He placed his chin on her chest looking up at her.

"Hm?"

"You want something," she knows he wants to talk about something but just doesn't know what. "What is it?" She asks again, rubbing her fingers through his hair.

"Okay...I think we are ready for marriage."

"Alex-"

"I know, what you're going to say, we're not ready, we're still new, let's wait a little bit more. I understand...but Y/n I love you, I love you so much that I think we are ready." He then gets off the couch and heads back to the master bedroom.

He comes back with his right hand behind his back, and then getting on one knee.

"Y/n...you make me so happy, I know it's only been almost 7 months of being together, but seeing you everyday, coming home to someone like you, I want you in my life, and I know we'll have our arguments but I think we can make it work. I love you...will you marry me?" He opens the box and Y/n saw her dream ring.

Y/n felt like she was caught off-guard. But she also felt like she was expecting it in a way. Y/n grabs Alex's face kissing his lips and kissing his forehead and looking into his eyes.

"Yes...I will..." she says.

-------

A Year Later

Alex and Y/n were sitting at the bride and grooms table as their family and friends were giving their speeches. Well, Alex's friends were giving embarrassing stories about Alex, he was only embarrassed as Y/n laughed at her husbands friends funny stories.

"I remember in college, Alex had a high drinking tolerance, but after 5 drinks of Jack Daniels he was knocked on his ass," some laughed as Alex hid his face. Y/n grabbed his face and kissed his lips.

Y/n and Alex were happy, smiling at each other the whole night and kissing each other whenever they can.

Y/n was pulled away by her friends and they did a few photos, Alex watched from afar at his beautiful wife.

"Alex, my guy," Soap says, placing his arm over Alex's shoulder.

"You did it," Price says, rubbing Alex's hair and messing it up a little bit.

"I did...I'm married to my love," Alex looks at Y/n like she is the last thing on earth.

They were both happy, even if they only date for 7 months, it was worth it all and they are both so happy.

[sharpenote]

so. back in march, i received a big ol packet in the mail from my insurance (this is state insurance, too, not private) saying i needed to renew, that i might not be automatically renewed as i have been for the past however many years i’ve had this insurance. i said cool, okay, they have a URL to do this online, i’ll do that. go to the link, website completely nonfunctional. i try again the next day in case it was just receiving a lot of traffic that day from people like me and was having issues because of that. website still completely nonfunctional - at this point i feel comfortable assuming this was its default state, since that tends to be the norm as far as government websites tend go. i say okay, they also have a phone number to call - i’ll do that, since there are presumably fewer steps that can go wrong in that process as opposed to mailing it in (mail could get lost, correspondence could take way too long to hear back from them if i accidentally submitted wrong info, etc). i spoke to a very nice woman on the phone who told me “oh, your insurance has already been automatically renewed, you don’t have to do anything.” i say yay! what a huge load off my chest! this experience has been very stressful for me since my insurance has automatically renewed every year prior to this and i wasn’t sure of the process. thank you so much for checking that for me, ma’am!

SMASH CUT TO TODAY, WHEN I AM AWOKEN BY AN EMAIL NOTIFICATION FROM MY PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE THAT IS INFORMING ME THAT MY APPOINTMENT FOR TODAY - THAT I NEED TO REFILL MY MEDICATION THAT I ONLY HAVE A WEEK LEFT OF - HAS BEEN CANCELLED, BECAUSE MY INSURANCE HAS INFORMED THEM THAT I AM NO LONGER COVERED. i say hey, what the fuck! didn’t we take care of this three months ago? so i call the number on my insurance card and ask them, hey, what the fuck? Does this mean my doctor just isn’t in network anymore and is just no longer covered (which has happened multiple times in the past), or do i just straight up have no insurance now? and they tell me “uhhhh it looks like your account has been closed” so i say, hm! well that’s strange! i was told by someone that my insurance had automatically been renewed already! can you please connect me to someone who can figure out what is going on? and so they connect me to someone who can figure out what is going on, and what is going on is that i never renewed my health insurance so i no longer have health insurance, and that there is no way they can fix this other than me manually renewing it now - which i tried to do back in march!!!!! in!!! march!!!!!!!! - and i might not hear if that even worked at all for up to 30 days. and if you recall, i only have a week left of this medication i need very badly - maybe two, if i cut the pills in half so at least i’m not going off of a very high dosage completely cold turkey

this is all to say the american healthcare system is a fucking joke and if i ever find out the name of the woman who fucked me over i am going to hunt her for sport

[zukuist]

stood you up [hcs]

“it sounds exactly as it looks like. they stood you up on a date, and they realize the damage.”

includes: todoroki shouto, midoriya izuku, togata mirio (part one)

your name is shortened to y/n, they/them pronouns used (quirk up to the imagination)

notes: ANGST 😳 IN MY BLOG?? never thought i’d see it but.. here we are. i plan on doing part 2 with other characters.

—

todoroki shouto

he wakes up on a saturday, as per usual.

and he’s kinda— no scratch that, he’s very irritated

because the other night— endeavor was bothering him about ‘not training properly’ and he was accusing him of slacking off.

which.. he’s not

his father also gave him a scolding (which lasted for hours.),

but nothing too bad. it was enough to make him irritated. so uh oh. todoroki’s really something else when he’s irritated.

and endeavor also blew up his phone with badly written text messages, telling him to train today.

so likely, he also woke up quite irritated.

he just wanted to drown himself in training and school work to forget about it.

completely forgetting the date HE said he’d take you on that afternoon, the date he planned a week before.

because he FINALLY got the courage to ask his crush aka you out. with the help of midoriya

like.. you pass him in the hallway— and before you were able to speak, he just kinda..

glared at you and walked away, not exchanging any words with you. he really needs to cool down

which was.. huh. 🤨 okay then. but you excused it because todoroki had a resting bitch face at some moments

it’s 5pm now, and he’s chilling in the common room— and he finally calmed down, and he’s back to his usual demeanor

midoriya walks in the common room, and he’s like “hey todoroki! how was the date with y/n?”

because midoriya helped orchestrate the date, he wanted to know

todoroki’s just like “fuck.” he forgot, and he also may have glared at you by accident.

realization is shown on his face, and midoriya is left apalled— begging him to “go find y/n quick!”

todoroki literally goes 🏃‍♂️💨 to the meeting place, which was the park in this case

and he can’t find you— so he scans the entire vicinity, and he can see you walking back to the dorm in a distance

immediately, he runs after you— calling for you to just wait and hear him out but you don’t turn back,

because you just want to lay in bed and sleep for 5 days

and besides.. he’s the last person you wanted to see right now

he grabs you, which makes him stop in place— “y/n, please just—”

“oh what now, listen? you were the one that asked me out, todoroki. and you just..” bitterness is in your tone, and he can’t even be mad.

your voice falters, and you were mad at first. but you’re just exhausted at this point

you guys haven’t spoke all day

“i’m sorry, i’m so sorry,” he apologizes, looking at your appearance.

you look beautiful, and he just wasted it by forgetting the occasion. he doesn’t want to imagine what you’ve felt in the last several hours

“my father scolded me last night,” he grips on your hands, brushing his thumb on the back of your hand,

“and it was for a long time. and i was just so frustrated by it, i even looked at you weirdly and forgot about the entire date i planned out for weeks. and i’m sorry. i understand if you don’t want to—”

“just stop, okay?” he looks up, and you don’t seem that mad anymore. “i understand. i just wished you told me about it, y’know?”

it doesn’t seem enough, so he pulls you into a hug, “i’m sorry. may i.. take you out again tomorrow? i promise i’ll make it right.”

you give him a chance, after all— you know he truly cares about you.

midoriya izuku

in this case, y’all are already together

but he wanted to take you out on a date— because you guys have been so busy, that you just had no time for any proper dates

so.. he wanted to take you out during the break, finally relieved by the hectic activities for a day.

out of everyone here, he’s the least likely to forget things like dates, anniversaries, etc.

but izuku being that person that’s always like “i have to keep training and training to master this quirk!”

he might have gotten.. overboard with the training. making him completely forget about the entire occassion.

during days like this, he’ll try to split his time by training for 2 hours and studying for the same amount

but homeboy got distracted 💀

too distracted to the point he didn’t even look at the clock once

and now it’s nearly 5pm (y’all were supposed to have lunch at 12)

when he heads out to go get a glass of water in the kitchen, he runs into bakugou on the way

bakugou looked displeased. and he hasn’t seen him look this displeased since middle school

“aren’t you forgetting something?” he says that in his usual tone, and izuku can only stare at him questioning

“your shitty thing with y/n. they walked in here looking like someone shat in their cereal.”

oh no

how could he.. forget?

izuku immediately storms off to your floor, knocking on your door

“y/n? y/n, can we please talk?” his heart is racing with worry, and he’s not even sure if you’re gonna answer the door

you begrudgingly open the door, but you’re not facing him— you’re still dressed in the clothes you wore going out

and it looks like you’ve been crying

“dear,” izuku wants to console you, but you don’t want to recieve his hugs right now— especially after he stood you up

“this is our only day off, izuku.” you try to make your voice sound normal, but it’s not really working

“i know, i’m sorry. i’m so sorry y/n. i forgot about the entire thing while i was training, and i know i made you feel bad. i’m just so sorry.” he apologizes to you over and over again

you don’t look at him, so he cups your face with his calloused hands—

his touch soft on you as he wipes your tears “please talk to me.”

you huff, “i know how much you want to train your quirk, and be the best at all times. i’m not mad that you want to do that, but i just wished you spent time with me, even if it’s just for a minute.”

izuku listens, and you’re right. you guys haven’t been the best with quality time,

and it wasn’t fair of him to just go out and suddenly forget the date he arranged.

“i’m sorry.”

“stop apologizing,” you sigh, “just bring some snacks so we can watch that movie you’ve been raving about.”

his expression lights up, and he dashes downstairs to retrieve the items

oh and.. how bakugou knows about y’all’s date? he totally suggested it

togata mirio

mirio has always been the best boyfriend for you

never forgetting anything, infact- he’s usually the one that’s always early to the dates

because he’s so excited to hang out with you!

but because of his quite friendly nature, he’s practically a chick magnet

girls swarming him whenever they could, doesn’t even matter that they don’t have to date him— they just want to talk to him

and while he’s nice to these girls, he’s not disloyal to you at all— and that’s why you don’t mind it,

because you trust him

okay but.. you don’t mind it when girls swarm your boyfriend, until it gets in the way

like.. one time he was supposed to be at a date with you— but he got surprised by a bunch of girls

and not wanting to be rude to them, he entertained them

and he considered cutting the conversation short but.. they just kept going and going

until he’s an hour late. y’all were supposed to get lunch together.

eventually, the girls go away— which so happened to be around the time tamaki and nejire started looking for him.

“mirio!” nejire called out for him, tamaki right next to her “how was the— wait, did you have lunch with y/n?”

mirio blinks, and that’s when he realizes that he messed up.

tamaki sighs, and he can only pat his shoulder— “mirio, i k-know you’re a nice guy, but don’t let yourself get distracted.”

nejire can only agree, “afterall, y/n’s the one you’re dating, not those other people.”

they urge him to go find you, and when he does find you— you’re sitting on a bench, not looking amused at all.

“hi mirio,” you deadpan, “how were those girls you were talking to?”

mirio knows he messed up, he really does! “i’m so sorry, y/n!” he tries to explain himself “they got me.. carried away.”

“mirio, i know that you’re nice. i let them talk to you because i trust you. but when you go out and do things like this.. it’s strange! really.”

you want to not be angry, since this was bound to happen— possibly the day where mirio just forgets about you entirely

“i’m really sorry.” he sighs, disappointed with himself, “i really love you, and i’ll only ever date you! but i should’ve dismissed them much earlier.”

your gaze softens, and you cup his cheek with your hand “it’s okay, mirio. i’ll let it be just this once, but please promise me that it won’t happen again.”

mirio nods “yes, yes! i promise. it’ll never happen again.” he smiles, reassuring you

“now let’s get something to eat. i haven’t eaten yet.”

“right, right.” mirio laughs, the tense atmosphere dissipating

mirio tries to be more direct with dismissing them from now on, especially when he has to be somewhere with you.

—

©️izukulie 2021, bnha|mha belongs to horikoshi kohei. do not steal❕

[jaehyun-eclipsed]

Before I Met You | Seventeen

Updates: Sundays

Pairing: NCT (Jaehyun, Lucas, Mark, Jaemin, Johnny) X Reader/OC

Genre: Romance, Angst, Coming of Age

Summary: Four. There were four people before I fell in love with you… Here are their stories.

Author’s Note: Hi! Thank you so much for reading this far! This is definitely a long read so I am very grateful for your patience and willingness to continue following along with me. With this being the last chapter for Jaemin’s story, Johnny’s story should be starting next Sunday. However, I have a few things going on in the next couple weeks and so Johnny’s story will begin on 8/16. Additionally, if you have any feedback - what you like, what could be improved, etc. - please let me know! I am looking to make this story better! But anyway, without further ado, please enjoy the final installment of Jaemin’s story. 

Before I Met You Masterlist

Prev | Next

“He just went downstairs. Should I do it?”

The hallway window on the other side of the house can be seen from my room. I watch Jaemin’s figure as he rounds the corner and heads downstairs towards the kitchen. 

“It’s up to you,” my dad responds.

“Okay, I’ll call you back.”

I hang up the phone and grab my nearly full water bottle to go down to the kitchen. Booming thunder makes me jump as I grab the doorknob. The sky is gray – gloomy from the intermittent rain all Sunday morning. My heart begins pounding.  

Come on, Y/N, it’s going to be fine. It’s just a question. You’re not even asking him out. You just want to find out how he feels… And if it goes well, THEN maybe we’ll ask him out.

Jaemin is filling up his water bottle. He’s wearing an over-sized t-shirt and basketball shorts and his hair looks a bit disheveled as if he woke up not too long ago. He obviously didn’t have any plans to go out today.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey.”

His gaze drops down to my lower body, scanning up and down my legs. My body freezes halfway to the water dispenser, breath hitching in my throat as I open my mouth to say something. The seconds have slowed down. The individual drops from the occasionally leaky kitchen faucet splash against the sink. The turning of textbook pages echoes from the dining room. My mouth has gone dry.  

Do it.

“I think we should do it this way,” Jia says from the neighboring room.

Never mind, don’t do it.

Jaemin looks right past me and walks away without another word.

I let out a sigh of relief and take a large gulp of water, mentally kicking myself for being such a wimp.

Well so much for that.

“You chickened out,” Dad says immediately upon answering my second call.

“I can’t… I can’t do it,” I say in between laughs. “I couldn’t do it! And also, Jia is downstairs!”

To my surprise, he imitates how the brief exchange occurred exactly.

“Yeah, that’s basically what happened! I said, ‘hi!’ and then I felt my heart pounding in my chest and thought, ‘Just say hey and ask him.’ Then I thought, ‘No! Don’t do it!’” I continue nervously laughing. “This must be terrifying for guys!” I exclaim.

“Yes. That’s why a lot of these things happen. They intend to do it, but fear overcomes them,” he responds.

“Okay, we’ll have to try again later. I thought about going outside to ask him, but he doesn’t have his keys…”

“And be in the rain?”

I pause for a moment. “That sounds so dramatic, but yeah! If he doesn’t have his keys and something goes badly, and I leave first, he’s going to get locked out. Then I’ll have to go out and say, ‘Sorry, didn’t mean for you to get locked out.’”

“Right. ‘Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to lock you out just because you said ‘no,’” he says sarcastically.

“Exactly! Now I’m thinking about how Lucas did it because he was probably like, ‘One, two, three, go!’”

“Right, but he didn’t have to say anything.”

“True, but it still could have been a rejection.”

“That’s true, but it’s still a little bit easier.”

All Lucas had to do was see how I reacted to him taking my hand. Granted, it would’ve been a little bit more difficult for me to turn him down given that grabbing my hand didn’t exactly give me too many options unless I wanted to cause a scene.

A flash of lightning adds a brief hint of silvery blue to the gray sky. Within a few seconds, rain starts pelting against the window.

“It’s raining again,” I eventually remark. “There aren’t many people around, it seems.”

“It seems like it would be a good day to do it then. Few people are around.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in his room by himself. Do you think this is a good idea?”

“It’s up to you.”

“I honestly have nothing to lose.”

“You’re right. You don’t.”

“And if I don’t ask, then I lose out on ever knowing.”

“Okay, I’m going to get off the phone so that I don’t influence you either way.”

“Wait!”

“Bye!”

“Wait, I –”  

Great, now what do I do? I should just do it. This is ridiculous.

I begin pacing throughout my room and bathroom, occasionally looking in the mirror to repeat words of encouragement to myself.

“You can do this.”

No, you can’t. You can’t do this.  

Oh my God, yes, you can! This is dumb, Y/N. You have nothing to lose.  

Yes, you do. You guys are decent friends now. If you do this and he says ‘no,’ he might not talk to you anymore.  

Oh, who cares? He’s probably moving into an apartment. It’s not like we’re going to talk much next year anyway. I may not even see him.

I look at the clock as a wave of nausea washes over me. It’s fifteen minutes past two.

“Okay, you’re going to do it in five minutes.”

Oh my God, what are you doing?

My breathing increases until I start to hyperventilate. A jumble of panicked and incomplete thoughts runs through my head, quickly jumping from optimism to pessimism in the same sentence. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. He’s going to say – don’t worry about that – maybe he wo – he’s going to say “no.” My heart races and I run into the bathroom, opening the toilet seat as I fear I might actually throw up.  

Holy shit. I didn’t realize that people were actually serious when they say that they’re so nervous they could throw up. They didn’t make that up.  

In a surprising moment of clarity, my facial expression changes to one of displeasure as I am feeling slightly scornful of my behavior. 

What are you freaking out about? It’s nothing.

“Forget it,” I mumble to myself.

I open the door and begin making confident strides towards Jaemin’s room. The soft strumming of a guitar makes me feel somewhat at ease. Okay, he’s not busy. He’s playing the guitar so he’s probably relaxed. Taking a deep breath, I lift my hand and just as my fist is about to come into contact with his door...

Ha! Nope!

I’m light on my toes as I run back to my room. I press my back against my door and slowly slide down until I’m sitting on the floor, huffing as I chastise myself for being so scared.

“Holy shit. Why are you such a chicken?” I say between gritted teeth.

I resume the nervous pacing and mental swearing of how ridiculous the whole situation is. You’ve been preparing for this for two weeks! You’re not even asking him out! You’re just asking him what’s going on! A disappointed sigh escapes my lips as I think back to being so ready to do this and now that it’s finally time, I am chickening out. But in the back of my mind, I know that I’ll really kick myself this summer if I don’t do it. Jaemin and I don’t text as casual friends so the likelihood that we would text during the summer is basically zero.

I want to know.

I have to know.  

I need an ending.  

But what if he says ‘no’?  

Who cares if he says, ‘no’? Frankly, I don’t really care what the answer is. Obviously it would be better if he says ‘yes’, but if he says ‘no,’ at least I’ll know. It will be over and I can move on with my life. He’s probably going to say ‘no’ anyway.  

The thoughts become a bit more demeaning and I begin picturing a pro wrestler screaming profanities at me in an attempt to use reverse psychology to get me to do something.

Y/N, stop being such a wuss. You’re not weak. 

Fuck it.

For the umpteenth time, I open my door and march down the hall. With one last deep breath, I gently knock on the door three times. The sound of the guitar suddenly stops and I wait.  

And wait.

And wait.

What the fuck?

There’s a small voice, almost like someone is saying, “Hello?”

Did he just say, “hello?” to someone possibly knocking on his door? Jaemin, do you expect people to shout through the door? Can’t you just get up and open it?

I cross my arms and frown when I hear the guitar starting up again.

Dude, what the hell? I know you heard me knocking!

Suddenly, the nervousness that so desperately wanted to initiate my flight response has been replaced with annoyance. Perhaps the annoyance is still out of nervousness, but I digress. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and I had to work up a lot of courage to do it. However, I did not expect to have this obstacle – which is really more of a logistical obstacle than a practical one.

I knock again.  

After another moment, someone begins fumbling around inside and the door is cracked open, revealing a confused Jaemin.  

Finally.

“Uh, hi,” he says.

I forgo the greeting and look at him blankly.

“Did you knock twice?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“I said ‘hello’ like three times.”

What the hell? Who does that?

“Oh, well I didn’t hear you,” I say. 

I ball my hand into a fist, pressing my nails into the flesh to help distract me from my nervousness. “Are you alone?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah…” he responds slowly.

I press my lips together. “I need to ask you something.”

“Okay…” he says, waiting expectantly.

“Can I come in for a second?”

“Sure.”

He pulls open the door and I step inside, reaching behind my back with an arm to grab the doorknob and step backwards to use my entire body to push the door closed.

Their room is a mess. A dirty knife balanced on top of an open peanut butter jar, clothes strewn over the bed posts, unmade beds – it’s definitely a boys’ room.

“Um…” I shift my gaze to the floor, knowing he’s watching me, anticipating what I’m going to say – likely something about me confessing my love for him.  

I sigh and swallow my fear.

“So…” I begin, “Have we just been dancing around in circles or… do you actually want to dance with me?”

He looks blankly at me. “What…?”

Jesus.

“Uh – I – I –”

God, I have to clarify?!

I try to rephrase the question without directly mentioning what I’m really trying to ask. Ha. I guess I’m the one dancing around now.

“Have we just been dancing around the issue or…?”

“Um… what are you asking exactly?” he asks, his forehead creasing.

Shit. Do I have to straight up ask you if you like me? I don’t wanna do that. How do you not understand my question?  

“Do you not understand my question?” I ask.  

That was a stupid question.

“No, like… dancing…? What do you mean?” he asks.

“It’s metaphorical,” I remark.  

Seriously, Y/N? “It’s metaphorical?” That’s what you tell him?

“For what?”

For what? What do you mean “for what?” Jaemin, I know you’re not this stupid. You might be slow, but you’re not stupid.

I sigh again. “Um… I don’t know what’s been going on for the past –”

“Oh!” His eyes widen as if he’s suddenly come to the realization of what I’ve been trying to ask. “I thought we were just friends at that point…” he says slowly. “I’m just a friendly person…”

The fuck?

“Oh.” My mouth is agape, trying to process what he just said. “Okay…”

“Yeah, I’m just a friendly guy. So feel free to be friendly…” he says, making nervous hand gestures to the air.  

I feel like I was just hit with a brick. You were just being “friendly,” huh? You really might want to rethink what the definition of “friendly” is.

“Okay, I just needed to know,” I say, my tone level due to shock and inability to comprehend the present scene.

“Okay, yeah, that’s cool.” He presses his lips together and nods to himself a few times. “So I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, sorry,” I say as I grab the door handle and smile with a slightly embarrassed look on my face.

“It’s okay.”

My back slams against my door with a loud thud and my heart is still pounding from the residual adrenaline. I run my hands over my face and let out a loud sigh.  

“I can’t believe I just did that.”

My mind begins replaying the scene over and over again – Jaemin’s facial expressions, his weird hand gestures to defend his stance, his relative calmness despite my clear interrogation. The word “friendly” plays like a broken record.

Friendly? No one does that when they’re just being “friendly.” Jaemin, do I have to throw a dictionary at your head? Friendly means affable... cordial… genial… NICE. Friendly does not mean flirting. Friendly does not mean making sexual innuendos and holding a girl from behind to help her shoot pool. Actually, you work in C++, don’t you, Jaemin? I can put it in code for you!

Friendly == being nice, giving me a stamp to mail a letter that one time because I didn’t have one

Friendly != flirting, thigh touching, anything Jaemin does

There! No, that is obviously not how you write code – because I don’t know how to write code – but I know the equality operators so you should too!

There are a couple things that I am fairly confident of now. First, Jaemin now realizes that I thought that he liked me. And second, even though I didn’t explicitly say anything, he knows I like him. So there goes my dignity.

But both of those things should have been known by him months ago – given his character. He’s smart, quick-witted, and very observant. Or at least, he’s supposed to be – though I’m guessing he was just playing stupid. There’s no way he didn’t know he was flirting.

I send a 911 text to Mark and within five minutes, he’s calling me.

“He said what?!” Mark exclaims.

“He said, ‘I thought we were just friends at that point… I was just being friendly because I’m a friendly guy… So feel free to be friendly.’ And then he did this weird thing with his hands, like pushing them out like he was presenting something.”

“Yo! Why does he sound so defensive? He keeps repeating himself. ‘I was just being friendly.’ ‘I’m a friendly guy.’”

“That didn’t even occur to me. But you’re right. He used that word like four times within twenty seconds.”

“I knew this guy was trash! But he’s totally lying to you.”

The answer doesn’t make any logical sense. It explains absolutely nothing. It can’t explain any of the behavior – staring, offering physics help, asking me for physics help when I’m the one who needs it, teaching me how to play pool, Jeno’s teasing when I was around...

“Because if it were me,” Mark continues, “and I didn’t actually like you, I wouldn’t say it like that. I’d probably say something like, ‘I’m so sorry if my actions came off that way, but I don’t like you like that.’”

Mark makes a good point and it irks me more than I realized. I didn’t get a straightforward “no.” Obviously I can infer what “just being friendly” means. It means “no.”  But why can’t you just say that? If I had received a straight “no,” it still wouldn’t have made any sense and I’d still agree with Mark and think Jaemin was lying. But at least it wouldn’t be an even more confusing excuse.

“But I also wouldn’t be trying to touch you and make dirty jokes either… ‘cause that’d be weird if I didn’t like you.”

I chuckle. “Thank you, Mark. I know I can always count on you to provide some logic.”

“Anytime.”

“I think you’re right though… I don’t believe him either. His answer doesn’t line up with his actions.”

“I’m sorry that happened, Y/N. Are you okay though?”

It’s funny. I was so busy trying to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to figure out the Jaemin puzzle that I hadn’t even thought about my own feelings.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Technically, I got rejected, but I’m not devastated or anything. I guess I’m just irritated and confused. It’s like when you’re doing a jigsaw puzzle and you have one more piece, but you happened to get one of the defective puzzles so the last piece doesn’t fit.”

“Yeah… I just wanted to check. I know you’re not that outwardly emotional, but I know that doesn’t mean you don’t experience them. But still, I’d be mad if I were you.”

“Well, if there was any possibility of Jaemin and me remaining friends during the rest of college, I think I just threw that out the window,” I say with a nervous laugh.

“He doesn’t deserve your friendship anyway,” Mark responds bitterly. “Didn’t you say that Jeno defended you or something?”

“Um, I could only assume he was.”

“Do you think that Jeno might like you?”

Jeno’s voice rings through my ears. From the time he sounded like he confronted Jaemin to that warning when I was writing a letter in the next room.

“Are you just leading her on? She’s a nice girl, Jaemin.”

“You know that she’s right over there, right?”

“It – it crossed my mind, but I didn’t really consider it too seriously.”

“Why else would he bother defending you if he didn’t?”

“Because he disagrees with his roommate’s sense of morality?” I ask half-sarcastically.

“Ha!” Mark begins laughing. “You really think he thinks about that?”

“Hey! I think about that kind of stuff!”

“Yeah, but most people aren’t you, Y/N! And you still chose to hang out with the guy even though you knew he had a girlfriend.”

I put my hands up in defense even though Mark can’t see me. “In my defense, I was not the one doing anything.”

“My point is, it’s an iffy line. But anyway, that would also explain the staring. Maybe he likes you, but he knows you and Jaemin like each other, so he’s not going to do anything. But if he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have said any that stuff anyway.”

Jeno’s purpose for staring at me was still a mystery. My instinct was telling me that Mark might be right, but I’ll never find out.

Well, I suppose I could ask Jeno, but I’m not about to put myself through that again.

It’s times like these where I wish I could read minds. I want to know what both of them have been thinking. But I know one thing for sure: Jaemin won’t be forgetting me any time soon.  

I just hope I don’t get written off as a psychopath like Jisu. While I didn’t sit outside his room to wait to talk to him, what I did wasn’t exactly any better. Granted, I’m not his ex.

“Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I misread his –”

“No, no, I’m cutting you off right there,” Mark interjects. “There’s no way you misread any of that. And didn’t he like you before you had any real interest in him? You only started to like him because of what he was doing.”

“Hm, you’re right. I didn’t have any feelings at the beginning. Nothing to cloud my mind.”

“Trust yourself, Y/N. I know your intuition is top notch.”

For the next few days, I was wracking my brain, going over the problem many times from many different perspectives to see if any of them could make a logical and coherent story. Unfortunately, they didn’t. I hadn’t run into Jaemin since my little confrontation, but I also hadn’t been spending as much time downstairs studying, choosing to stay in my room at night.

Jaemin was actively avoiding me. I’d seen him on the edge of campus a couple times and each time, he’d realize I was there and walk to the next block to cross the street instead. My best guess is that he’s embarrassed, which is understandable. There’s no doubt that any future interaction with him is going to be awkward. I certainly feel awkward at the prospect of even having to say hi to him, but surprisingly, my dignity is pretty intact.

As soon as Jaemin gave me his answer, I just dropped him. I stopped trying to listen in on his conversations. I stopped trying to be in places where he would conveniently see me. I just stopped because there was no reason to put in anymore effort. He gave me his answer and even though it didn’t make any sense, that was that. There was nothing else left to do. It was done.

After a week of evading every possible chance to run into me, Jaemin started waving to greet me again. He wouldn’t come up to talk to me, but he wasn’t going out of his way to avoid me either.

Finals were approaching and I returned to my normal spot in the dining room. And just when I thought I could live my life peacefully with the bare minimum for interacting, Jaemin decides to throw in another wrench.  

Jaemin is talking to one of the other residents when I walk into the kitchen to get some water. He looks at me and waves. I offer him a polite nod in return.  

“Did you watch?”

I jump in surprise upon realizing Jaemin is talking to me.

Watch? Watch what? Oh… He’s talking about The Flash.

“Oh. No, I haven’t.”

“You find out his secret identity.”

“Oh! Who is it?”

“I’m not going to tell you!”

“Fine, I’ll just go online and read about it.”

“What the…?” he says in disbelief.  

“I gotta study for chemistry! Barry can wait!”

He exchanges a few more words with the other resident and then walks over to me. “You have to watch the episode. It’s the best one of the season!”

Oh so we’re cool now? And you’re just going to act like nothing happened?

“I’ll see about checking it out later. I gotta finish up some things first.”

He nods in agreement and before stepping out of the room he says, “Yeah, me too. But let me know when you watch it. I wanna know what you think!”

There’s a weird expression on my face as I watch him leave. I knew we weren’t going to be friends and honestly, if he decided never to talk to me ever again, I probably wouldn’t have cared. Leaving it at a polite wave would’ve been fine! In fact, saying nothing is much easier! And now he wants to act like nothing happened and essentially gave me an invitation to start up another conversation with him. Jaemin! Make up your mind!

I stand alone in my room; it’s bare, with the exception of the provided furnishings. Jia had moved out a day earlier after finishing her finals. A nostalgic sigh falls from my lips as I reflect on the year. Despite it not having the ending I wanted, it was good. I had started to feel a little more comfortable being away from home, classes were better, I made more friends, and to top it all off, I was a lot more confident than I thought.

After checking for any last items, I slowly close my door for the final time of my sophomore year. A small smile creeps onto my face as I walk down the hall, still grateful for the experiences I had in this house. At the very least, Jaemin’s story will be a good one for the books.

Right as I walk by Jaemin’s room, the door flies open and Jaemin is standing there in the doorway. I casually greet him and continue on my way to my car. He returns my greeting and I hear him shut his door and start to follow me down the stairs.

You’ve got to be kidding me.  

I look up at the ceiling and roll my eyes.

Whoever you are up there, what are you doing? What kind of fucking timing is this?

In an effort to break the very likely awkward silence as we walk down the stairs, I decide to say something of no consequence. 

“You have a final?” I ask over my shoulder.

“Yeah,” he responds. “Are you finished with finals?” 

“Yeah, I’m actually moving out right now.”

“Oh, are you going home?”

“No, I’m going home on Sunday.”

“Oh, so where are you moving to?”

And you care… why?

“Uh…” I hesitate. “Do you mean next year?”

“No, where are you moving into now?”

“Oh! I’m going to a relative’s house right now.”

“Oh okay.” He turns to head in the other direction, but looks over his shoulder and offers a small smile. “I’ll see you later.”  

Seriously? I wasn’t going to say anything to you before leaving and just my luck, we walk out together.  

I had waited and planned in order to get my defined ending so that I could finally stop. Except it wasn’t defined. It was the exact opposite and I didn’t really believe him. And as I watch him walk towards campus, I realize how bittersweet the ending actually is.  

Jaemin was my last goodbye of my sophomore year.

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Before I Met You Masterlist Masterlist

[fanficparker]

Tacenda | Tom x Haz one-shot

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield x Tom Holland

Word count: 4.5k words

Warnings: Swearing, angst, fluff

Summary: Harrison looked at Tom’s face. His sleepy tired pretty evil face. He wanted to grab it and punch it. Or do something completely opposite and then die.

____________________________

(Written in Harrison's POV) 

There are some things that aren't said but are still not supposed to be done, like forgetting about the night out with your best mate after not seeing each other properly for months. I should have put the date on my calendar but Nah! I was fucking over-confident! The director himself asked me that he was flexible with the re-shooting schedule but I, Harrison Osterfield chose this particular day for the re-shoots. Over-confident bastard, I am.

I didn't count how many times I cursed under my breath when I saw the message notifications from Tom timed three hours ago.

6 UNREAD MESSAGES FROM TOM. ~ 3 hours ago

Tom(8:45pm) >>I m here for an hour?

Tom(9:16pm) >>Where r u?

Tom(10:04pm) >>R u still going with the plan?

Tom(10:10pm) >>The food is cold as hell.

Tom(10:10pm) >>Although hell is all lava

Tom(10:12pm) >>But where r u?

How could I forget about the divs night out? We were both busy with our horribly busy shooting/press tour/photoshoot/meeting etc. schedules. But today was the day we had decided to finally spend a best friends night together, eat something good, visit a good bar et cetera et cetera.

But I was over-confident about my memory to remember dates. Haha.

I don't think it's smart to reply to those messages right now. Also, I am too tired and worn-out of thinking about any possible excuse. So, I simply drove to my house where we were supposed to meet.

Hope Tom won't be angry at me.

No.

Tom should be angry at me!

Because when he's not angry with me, he's sad. And definitely sad or upset is the last thing I want him to be, especially me being the reason.

Which friend would like to see his best friend sad, anyway?

I unlocked the door of my house and tip-toed to the living room. I still prayed that Tom would be busy watching YouTube or something and wouldn't realise the time. I am a hopelessly hopeful individual. Well, I didn't coin the word 'Hopelessly hopeful', Tom did. He called me that once, couldn't agree with him more though.

I saw him. But he wasn't watching TV or scrolling through his phone. He was fast asleep on the couch. I let out a breath of relief- At least I don't have to make excuses right now.

I freed myself off my coat and shoes and walked towards the couch where he was lying. My eyes landed on the table to the right. I noticed the take-out boxes stacked on the wood.

Shit.

Tom didn't even eat dinner. I can't even express how disgusted I am feeling about myself. Seriously?! I had grabbed a quick meal during the work hours but Tom... He was waiting to have dinner with me.

No matter how much I hate making excuses to him, I still can't let him sleep with an empty stomach. It's better Tom gets upset at me, I deserve that after all.

I walked closer to his sleeping figure. His legs were tangled in the little blanket and the cushions were lying to the floor. Yeah, Tom had a habit of kicking things in sleep. He had kicked me too.

One of Tom's hand was touching the carpet beneath while the other was tucked under his head. His mouth was slightly open and when I concentrated enough, I could hear his soft snores.

He groaned in his sleep and as a reflex action- I averted my gaze from him to the floor. But I noticed him wetting his lips with his tongue in the process.

His lips were badly dried and chapped. He should take more care of them. It's none of my business actually. If Amelia enjoys kissing them who am I to say?

I shook Tom by his shoulder.

"Mmm," He whimpered in his sleep, resisting my attempt to wake him up.

"Get up Tom!" I said calmly and tickled the spot where his jaw met his neck. His body shook in a silent giggle. That spot was his weakness, after all.

"Harrison?" He yawned and slowly opened his eyes.

"Yup. That's me. You haven't eaten," I replied when he tried to sit up.

When he sat up straight his curls fell on his forehead, exactly like a bungee jumping rope.

His curls were the weirdest dilemma of my life. I loved them, he looked great in them. But I also wanted to move my hand through them and get them out of his face.

I clenched my fist at the thought of playing with his hairs.

My whole body shuddered when he touched my chin out of nowhere.

"Did you fall?" He said as his fingers grazed through the little cut on my chin. He was sitting on folded knees on the sofa to reach my standing height.

Does he think the pain of him touching my wound made me shudder?

"Yeah, I fell," I said. I hoped he'll remove his hand from my face but rather he moved his thumb across my jawline. I clenched my fists tighter, my jaws clenched too.

He should stop doing this. He should stop touching me like this. It didn't feel... Who am I kidding? He should stop touching me like this because it felt good. Felt so damn fucking good!!!

Remove your fingers, Holland or I'll break your hand.

I looked at his face. His sleepy tired pretty evil face. And again I wanted to grab it and punch it. Or do something completely opposite and then die.

His eyes were concentrated on my skin while his fingers were still busy grazing my skin. When the torture was out of limit, I flipped his hand off me and took a step back.

"It's not a big deal. It's a very small cut. You don't have to give it so much attention."

I don't know but I suspect my voice was a bit harsh because his face fell at my words. I heard him sigh.

"Sorry."

The word came out of my mouth abruptly. Tom's face shoots up at my sudden apology.

"Uh. For what?" He tilted his head to look directly at me. Before his eyes could meet mine, I looked away. My reflexes are pretty damn good. They know he's dangerous.

"For spoiling our night out. For wasting your time." I stated as a matter of fact and stuffed my hands inside my pockets while swinging along with the balls of my feet.

"No worries. I am free tomorrow." Tom said.

"BUT I AM NOT FREE!"

I-- I yelled at him.

He froze at his spot. I closed my eyes momentarily in a hope that everything was a dream.

The yelling part was not for him. It was for me. I hated myself for missing this day! I wanted to spend time with him! And I don't know when I'll get it next. When he's free, I am busy. When he's busy, I am free. And then there are times when we both were busy and I just missed the day when we both were free. I wanted to throw my hands in the air. But what will it change?

I instead flopped to the sofa right next to him and hide my face in my hands.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's my fault in every direction." I said rubbing my palms on my face.

"I can see you are very tired Harrison. I really don't mind. I also went through this phase and you were there for me so... Look I am right here." Tom snaked his arms around my shoulders taping slightly.

I nodded. Not the best response but now I don't have to worry because he thinks he understands my agony.

I convinced him to have dinner. I didn't tell him that I did eat something before and joined him regardlessly. And we talked, like friends. Like we always do. Nothing had changed from the outside.

* * *

I am unlucky enough to get a chance to see him on Harry and Sam's birthday. The twins couldn't find any other day to pop out on earth than the fucking Valentine's Day. I will see the same girls throwing themselves at me who never gave a fuck to me when I was fifteen. And then those questions. I was ready to face all those 'when are you going to show us your girlfriend?' or 'we know you aren't single.' or some more annoying cliché questions or blatant statements or the worst— straight off insults. I knew bullshit when I heard it and I knew how to deal with it.

But still, I don't understand this whole fuss about getting into a relationship. I don't like casual dating. I never tell people not to go on casual dates or to commit to a serious thoughtful relationship or to wait till they actually find an appropriate partner. So why are they telling me what and when I should do these things?

It's not like I am fifty or sitting on a wheelchair or the world is ending. I am not even twenty-five. I have time. I know how to use it more efficiently than getting into a stupid relationship that won't even last for a couple of months.

Nevertheless, the thing I wasn't ready to deal with was to see Tom, of course as I already established. He'll produce himself at the party any time soon with his hands draped around her shoulders. I forgot her name honestly. And I don't care about it.

Speaking of the devil, Thomas Stanley Holland walked right across the door and the first thing he did was wave at me. Like a child waving at an ice-cream truck. There was no Camelia--Amelia (I don't know) with him. He hopped across the hall and reached me. I just saw him doing things rather than giving any response.

"They saved the cake for me, right?" He said suppressing a laugh. Failing miserably though.

"Nah! I had your piece." I wobbled my eyebrows at him teasingly, lifting the mocktail to my lips. But he grabbed my drink and took a sip himself.

"It's not wine..." He said making a face of disgust. I snatched my drink back from his hand and took a huge sip. I basically gulped the liquid and tossed the glass to the side.

"I am trying to lower my alcohol consumption. You should too. And that drink was delicious!" I said wiping the wetness off my lips with the back of my hand.

"I try to but couldn't resist." He admitted. I could see his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat.

"It's difficult, I agree. I loved beer and considered it more important for my survival than water but then---"

Sam jumped in the conversation and I stopped mid-sentence.

"There are two players less in the beer pong. Maybe you guys could join. It's fun." Sam suggested and it seemed like the birthday boy wasn't in the mood of hearing a no. I can tell that he was already tipsy.

But... Beer pong, seriously?

Irony. My whole life is an irony.

"Uh. We are trying to keep a distance from alcohol."

That was Tom. My head flipped to look at him from Sam. His eyes met mine and I didn't turn my head away. He gave me a small smile. My mouth parted to say something but Sam spoke instead.

"If you divs change your mind, you are most welcome to join us." And then he walked past us. I watched his figure as he left while I all this time I could feel Tom's lingering gaze on my face.

"What? Why are you staring?" I asked looking at him, again.

He shifted his gaze to his shoes but the smile on his face was even bigger. It was almost as if he was blushing.

He didn't answer. So I asked another question, "Where's your girlfriend?"

He let out a chuckle and his head lifted.

"I broke up!" He said but with a smile as his shoes traced an invisible circle on the floor.

I am actually worried about him now. Has he gone mad in the sorrow of his break-up? Although I think they didn't even have any feelings for each other but were just together. Casual dating. But Tom never accepts the casual nature of his relationships till they are over.

But he also never giggles after a break-up.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah. Very okay." His smile was still big enough to make his eyes crinkle.

I rolled my head back to stretch my tired body. I realised how long I was standing here. I rested my hands on the empty counter, shutting my eyes to relax. I could feel the little vibrations that Tom's tapping fingers produced on the counter. I felt his hand coming closer to mine. And then his fingers touched my hand. And I jerked it away opening my eyes and looking at him.

He retracted his hand seeing my reaction and looked at his shoes again.

He wants to tell me something. I know him well. But what I also know is that he never hides stuff from me or gets nervous about telling me anything. We are best friends after all. But now? Why is he behaving like this?

My heart crumbled thinking of a thousand possibilities. Was our connection weakening? Was his trust on me shattering?

But why? What have I done wrong?

"You should go and join them. You love to play beer pong. No matter how much you suck in that," I suggested, hoping that his mood will change after some fun games and drinks.

"Can we talk in my room?" He asked completely ignoring my suggestion.

"I--uh. Sure." I shrugged looking at him. His expressions were difficult to read in these dim lights, maybe I could see him better in the proper lighting of his room.

He walked past the halls, greeting some people in the path while I followed him quietly. He closed the door of the room after we entered.

I sat on the corner of his bed waiting for him to join. And he joined and sat beside me keeping some distance.

"So... What were you saying?" I asked facing him.

"Nothing. Just... " He paused and didn't complete his sentence, instead took in a long breath and released it shortly.

"What? Is everything okay?" I was genuinely worried.

"Can I hold you, Haz?"

He wants to hug me and I want to laugh. Does he need permission to hug me, now? Maybe then he'll tell me that it was our last hug and that we are no more friends. It happens like this, isn't it?

Goodbye Harrison.

He'll definitely say that. I can sense.

I gulped my saliva and slid closer to him. I loosened my arms.

He didn't take long and wrapped his hands around my body. Tom had hugged me before, a lot of times (although not so often in the last three-four years) but never like this. Like the world was ending and we were drowning in the infinite ocean. His body was stiff at first and then it loosed as he relaxed. I realised that I did exactly the same. As our body relaxed, I tightened the embrace pulling him closer. One of his hand travelled from my back to my neck and he played with the small hairs on the nape of my neck. I felt my body shooting with electricity. I didn't fight with my instincts and surrendered.

I pushed him away.

He stared at me wide-eyed.

Who the fuck hugs like this?

He snapped his fingers in front of my face. And I realised that I was lost in my thoughts. But I don't even know what exactly I was thinking?

"What have I done wrong?" Tom asked me in the saddest voice I have ever heard.

I should be the one asking that question!

"Excuse me?" I said wanting him to elaborate.

"You are pushing me away. You are seriously pushing me away every fucking time!" His voice cracked as he spoke. His eyes were way too glossy. I am afraid if he tilts his head a little bit, tears will spill out of them.

And again my heart clenched painfully.

"Are you--are you crying?" My throat felt like as if it was choked of ashes.

He chuckled. But it was more like an irritating chuckle.

And the thing I was afraid of happened right then. Tears fell off his eyes and slid through his cheeks.

I am finally the reason for making him sad to a level that he's crying!

"Nothing matters anymore, Harrison. Nothing matters." He said, shaking his head and wiping off his tears although fresh tears replaced the old stains. He got up.

Was this his way of saying goodbye? That we are no more friends?

But I can't let him go like this. No. That's not me.

I grabbed his wrist before he could walk away and stood up myself. I felt much taller today. Maybe because his posture was sunken right now.

"When did I push you away?" I whispered the question.

"Every time, Harrison. I have already answered that."

"That's now how this works," I told him.

My voice was slow and soft while his voice was loud and cracked.

He jerked his hand away from my grip.

He jerked his hand from my grip like I do... Every time.

Oh.

"You... You? You ah..." I stumbled upon my words unable to complete my sentence. He spoke up instead.

"Yes. Yes, Harrison. I am in love with you."

No. That was not something I was saying. I wanted to ask him if he thought that I was trying to end our friendship(the way I thought)— You think I am trying to end our friendship.

I don't even know why I stumbled that much in saying this little statement.

But I wasn't expecting that response from him.

I stood there frozen. How'll I react to this?

I could see him moving closer to me and his hands were reaching for my face. His thumb touched my lower lips and he tucked it out of my teeth.

"I got my answer. I hope we'll still be friends." A sad smile adorned his face as he said that. I saw him move away from me this time. He unlocked the door, looked at me for a second then looked away and walked out of the room.

As the door clicked shut. I jolted and let my limp body fall on his bed.

What have I done?

***

He didn't text or call me that week.

I didn't either.

***

The next week I found myself mindlessly scrolling through hashtag #tomholland

I stopped at a particular picture. It was from high school. I don't even know how these fan-accounts get these pictures.

It was a picture of one of our school plays. We are standing there posing for the group photograph. Tom and I were standing in the middle, together.

It was the only play where Tom and I played the role of each other's love interest. We did some sad romance shit, some happy romance shit and kissed. Not a real kiss. It was a stage kiss, where one of the actors puts his or her thumb between their and the other actor's lips and then both the people kiss the thumb instead of each other's lips and the audience thinks that they are actually kissing each other.

And then for a complete one week, Tom called me 'bro' instead of my own fucking name!!

And then about two years ago after one of our acquaintances jokingly called us boyfriends, Tom literally inserted the same 'bro' in every fucking sentence, Instagram comment, DM, reply, text, phone call, everywhere he had to address me for at least three days.

I have always used the word 'bro' as an alternative for 'mate' or 'friend' but never to brother-zone anyone.

But he literally used it to brother-zone me, MULTIPLE TIMES!

And I...

I got the signal.

And now he's telling me that he's in love with me...

Funny.

Irony.

Satire?

***

Hell. Bloody hell.

1 UNREAD MESSAGE FROM TOM. ~ 1 min ago

It's been a month we haven't talked to each other at all and now suddenly I received a text from him. And that too at 01:05 am midnight.

My fingers danced inches away from the screen afraid to tap on the message and then regret it for life.

Another notification popped on my home screen.

Now it was—  2 UNREAD MESSAGES FROM TOM. ~ 1 sec ago

I clicked on it.

Tom(01:05 am) >>Hey

Tom(01:06 am) >>Are we on talking terms?

Me(01:10am) Hi.      << Yeah. <<

Tom is typing...

Tom(01:10am) >>Thank god. I was afraid.

Tom is typing...

Tom(01:10am) >>So whatcha doing?

Me(01:11am) Couldn't sleep. Just scrolling through my feed. <<

Tom(01:11am) >>Same!

Tom is typing...

Tom(01:12am) >>Thinking of meeting sometime? I will understand if u don't wanna meet but still?

Me(01:30am) Can we meet right now? <<

Tom is typing...

Tom is typing...

Tom is typing...

I tossed the phone to the side seeing the text 'Tom is typing' appearing and disappearing multiple times on the screen and closed my eyes. I heard my phone ting. I rolled over to look on the screen again.

Tom(01:41am) >>Will be at your place in 10

Me(01:42am) >>👍(thumbs up emoji)

Fuck!

I hid my face inside my duvet and waited for him.

What will he say? What will I say?

The doorbell rang. Was it already ten minutes?

I slowly removed the duvet off my body, took my time to get off the bed and walked lazily to the door and stood there, staring at the wood. The doorbell rang again.

It's just Tom. I reminded myself.

I sucked in a breath and opened the door. He was standing right there. Obviously.

He was wearing a brown t-shirt with some blue trousers and his hairs were perfectly set, unusual for midnight. I am sure that I looked like a mess.

"Can I get in?" He asked smiling politely.

"Yea-yeah" I stuttered giving him way to get in. He sat on my sofa where last time he was napping.

I didn't notice he had a bag in his hand till he kept it on the front table.

"Mum made some cookies. Thought you loved them." He said taking out a box and opening it. The sweet smell instantly reached my nose and I heard my stomach growl.

We chuckled, together. Then laughed, together. Then awkwardly stopped laughing. Together.

I sat beside him and fished out a cookie from the box.

"The-the choco-chip ones are made by me. I mean I helped mum," He said and I put my previous cookie down to look for the choco-chip ones in the box. The box had at least four different flavours of cookies mixed up.

I took out two choco-chip cookies and gave one to him. I took a bite.

I loved it.

We ate more till we were full, almost half-emptying the box.

Say something Harrison! I mentally scolded myself.

"So?"

"So?"

We said in unison.

"You say first," I said to him. We shifted to face each other.

"Missed you," Tom said pressing his lips into a thin line, while he fidgeted with his fingers.

I placed my hands on top of his hands, stopping his motions.

"Do you really like me that way?" I asked being serious.

"I really love you that way," His voice sounded confident.

"Why now? All of a sudden? Why not before?" I am sure that my voice was panicky.

"You were pushing me away, Harrison. It was hard for me. I tried to move on but... failed."

The world was spinning again.

"You asked if you could switch roles when we were assigned to be in that play as a couple. You denied its re-screening. You missed the practice sessions.

"I tried my best to make you comfortable. Even if it made me kill all my possibilities to be together with you. But I failed miserably. Just tell me no. Just say no. Tell me that you don't see me anything more than a friend and I promise I will move on.

"But you not saying anything and pushing me away isn't making me move on. Say something Haz. Just say no." He finished but his gaze was still fixed on my eyes. He wasn't giving me a chance to break the eye-contact, waiting for my answer.

But the thing matters the most is that he's right. And I am wrong.

I did push him away and then put all the blame of everything on him.

I...

I think I knew...

I know why I didn't believe in relationships because the thought of being with someone other than Tom was sickening. And I was afraid if Tom and I did somehow magically get into a relationship, what will happen after we break-up?

And the day I realised I liked him more than a friend, I started pushing him away. And he thought he was making me uncomfortable whenever he tried to come closer to me.

Wow.

Seems like I solved the theory of relativity.

But what happens now?

Is this the moment we kiss?

But what if it didn't work and we broke up?

His eyes were still on me. And they spoke for him. They answered my question.

He'll never leave me.

If he went through all my bullshit till now, he will still stick with me even if the new thing we are going to step into the next minute doesn't work. We were best friends first and nothing can ever break this bond.

I placed my hand behind his neck. He looked at me through his lashes. I could see the rise and fall in his chest and could hear my own heart thumping in my ears. I tiled his head to the side. I attached my lips to his.

I kissed him. And ruffled his curls.

I kissed him again. And he cupped my face in his hands, squeezing my cheeks and pulling my mouth even closer to his (if it was possible in anyway)..

I kissed him again and again and again and again.

And he kept kissing me back.

And there was no thumb in between.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #274

“now i can hear the marching feet / they’re moving into the street”

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? I only have a black one. Is your dream job attainable? I mean define “dream job.” I’d ideally be a meerkat biologist if I was willing to live in Africa and could handle even mild heat, but I can’t/won’t do either of those, so it’s not obtainable to me. I’d also love to be a paleontologist if I could travel and handle heat once more, but again, I can’t. My only *attainable* dream job is being a photographer, which I am aiming for. I’d LIKE to focus on nature/wildlife photography, but that’s unlikely to be able to support me, so. Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? N/A Have you slept for longer than usual today? Yes, but only because of my nightmares. I tend to take at least two (though sometimes one) hour-long naps during the day because if I wake up once during the night, as I usually do, I’m fucked because I’m very likely to have an intense nightmare. It seems like the medicine I’m on wears off with consciousness, I guess. I only allow myself to sleep an hour at daytime because my mother has noticed if I have a nightmare, it’s usually no earlier than one hour into sleep. Even then I still have them occasionally. Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Recorder in elementary school was necessary for whatever stupid reason, and then I played the flute for years. Out of school, I took guitar lessons for a while. I got semi-decent (at best I could do the intro to “Crazy Train” at normal speed, I think), but it didn’t last because it was annoying/time-consuming to build up the calluses that make playing painless, I was really bad at overthinking where my fingers were, and I just wasn’t invested quite enough. I’ll tell you, it gave me mad respect for guitarists, that shit isn’t easy by any means. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yes, though it was brief. I was a kid (okay, pre-teen, w/e) still in my separation anxiety from Mom phase and it was literally because of me we had to go home. I still feel shitty about it, though no one seemed upset at me. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck even knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; N/A; yes ultimately but no at the current moment because I have to keep watch over Mom. If you wear make-up, which brand of foundation/powder do you use? N/A Would you call yourself a “people” person? Nope. What is one change you need to make in your life this month? Just one??? What’s been tugging on your heart lately? My PTSD plus self-image has been very, very bad. What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? Mom had to clean up my cat’s projectile vomit even though she’s supposed to stay away from this kinda stuff through chemo. I literally cannot fucking touch vomit, never mind what came out of him that night. I felt like absolute fucking shit and I still do because WOW I’m a great adult right!! Do you have any physical traits that are bothering you lately? Like, everything. What kind of dog is your favorite? I’m biased to beagles. What was the last thing you received in the mail? A book. What is the last thing you wrote? Like, physically? My signature at the doctor’s office. Do you still care about the person you first kissed? Way fucking more than I should. Do you require a lot of private time? Definitely more than most people. Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? I haven’t listened to it in forever for ~reasons~, yet “The Mortician’s Daughter” is stuck in my head badly and really needs to fuck off. What was the last song you downloaded? I dunno, I went on a download binge a while back. Have you ever read a really funny book? I remember at least one. “Bite Me” by IDR-Who. Some vampire satire. Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? Never reached the point of being drunk. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? fuckin YIKES I am NOT attractive rn go away Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? HAHA my mom has always had the decency to knock, not so much his mom a;lwkejrewoei but the answer’s still no. What electronics are in your room? (DVD player, CD player, etc) This laptop, my phone, a Nintendo DS, my iPod… Do you have a box anywhere with special items you'll to keep forever in it? Yes, actually. Grew up calling them “treasure boxes.” Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls? Lol no, I’d definitely prefer to not see myself as much as I can. That sounds melodramatic, but I’m being serious. It either depresses me or makes me angry. Does your dad collect anything? The Cleveland Browns’ football team stuff, for one. Maybe Carolina Hurricane stuff, too? Idk. I don’t live with him and don’t go in his “man cave” at his house often ha ha. What's better, a desktop or laptop? Explain. A laptop. Portable; that’s all the explanation ya really need. Do your parents still hide chocolate eggs around on Easter for you? Nah. What do you typically do on Easter Day? We go to my sister’s house to watch the kids do their egg hunting and open their gifts, then we usually go to Ashley’s in-laws’ for dinner. Is there anyone you literally need to exist? Apparently not. Thought so. Never let yourself into that state of mind. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand-written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Oh, a hand-written poem would wreck me, yeesh. Or a drawing. But any would be very sweet. Do you remember why you made the last mistake you did? I don’t know the most recent mistake, but probably because I’m just in general a terrified person who second-guesses or overanalyzes everything. Did you check how many calories the last thing you ate had? Yes. I’m back on my calorie-counting obsession again. Are your nails long or short? Short, always. I can’t keep them long. What is your favorite kind of cookie? Just the ordinary chocolate chip is fine. What was the last compliment you received? I don’t know. Who will be the next person you kiss? I normally delete this question because the answer should be so obvious, but I feel like just pointing it out that no one fucking knows who they’re gonna kiss next. It’s a dangerous mindset. Don’t make assumptions about what you’ll have even tomorrow. Have you ever made your own icon? Yeah, on many sites. They’re just about always just edits, though, not truly original work. What color is your computer mouse? It’s black. Have you ever been sung to on your birthday in a restaurant? Yes. Do you like black olives? I don’t like olives period. Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocolypse? Personally, no. I do think it’s scientifically possible, we already see this in insects, but I just don’t imagine it happening to humans before we’re our own downfall. Do you like the person you’ve become over the past years? Fuck no. Have you ever gone to church just to get a significant other? … No…? Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger? No, that shit is terrifying. Are you really ticklish? YES don’t fucking touch me. How do you decide what you're going to eat each day? I just follow what I’m craving that day. How are you similar to your siblings? Different? Compared to Ashley and Nicole at least, I can’t think of any real similarities off the top of my head. They’re intelligent, motivated, outgoing, successful, yada yada, then there’s me. What's your favorite type of non-fiction literature? Autobiographies by people I’m actually interested in. Do you believe in souls? Soulmates? Souls, absolutely. Soulmates, no. It’s fairytale ideation to think your soul has a perfect match with another, hate to break it to ya. Favorite soundtrack? BITCH don’t make me choose between Shadow of the Colossus and Silent Hill 2. Fucking masterpieces. Pianos or guitars? *shrugs* Depends on the music and my mood. Did an animal ever bite you? Never seriously. How many languages do you speak? Only English fluently. I’m poor at German by now. Wiggly worms or bumble bees? Worms gross me out, bees are Good Boys. Religion? I don’t really identify with any. I just believe there’s some form of ultimate intelligence and essences beyond just the body, and that’s all I even pretend to know. Fog, thunder, or rain? Fog gives me that Silent Hill Vibe *Italian kiss* What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? The way I treated Jason after the breakup. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Damn pollen. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yeah. What would you be most afraid of happening if you were to visit Africa? Viruses or botflies. Where are you tempted to move to sometimes? I very legitimately want to live in Canada by now, but I won’t because I’m not moving that far from family. Who seems like they have the perfect life? I try not to make that assumption of anyone. Do you ever take pictures of negative moments? Does taking pictures of roadkill count???? lmao probably Do you think it would be a good idea to post photos of negative moments as well as positive? Well… I guess it depends. Like ngl, the pictures some people share of them having panic attacks to just show how fucking real they are definitely touch you, as do those depicting poverty, etc., BUT I really do think there are limits and also differences in motivations. What time zone are you in? EST. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? Wow, speaking of. No. ^Why or why not? I am an UGLY cry-er, my man. But I also just don’t want people to see that, and it’s definitely not on my mind to take a picture during a breakdown. What was the last thing you cried about? My life. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yes. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yes. Where do you buy calendars from? I don’t. Do you shop at the dollar store often? Not *often*, but we’ll stop by for a snack or something sometimes. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. Do you feel you missed out on a lot as a kid? I guess in some ways. Who was that best friend you ever had? Sara. What color is your laptop? Black. What are five careers you think you’d be good at? My work history has shown I can’t do shit right. Are you thriving in your life right now? lmao no one is in 2020. Who do you have moral support from? My family, doctor, and a few friends. Who encourages you to go after your dreams? The same as above. Do you have people in your family who want you dead? Wow, I hope not. Do you have a walk-in closet? No, but my room at the new house will. :’) Not that I need one, it’s just pretty cool. How do you feel about people like Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos having so much power and control in the world? Do you believe that any one person should have so much power? Let’s be real, in our current world, money is power, and no one should have that much control of the world, especially if your intentions are bad. NOW I don’t know jack shit about any of those are far as morals go, but just saying. It’s dangerous. Has your anxiety alone ever prevented you from doing something you wanted to do? This is ACTUALLY the story of my fucking life. Do you enjoy reading stories and novels that are heavily stylistic, poetic, or unconventional or do you prefer your prose to follow a familiar grammatical structure? Okay, I LOVE those, like Johnny Got His Gun and The Handmaid’s Tale that’s kinda like, run-on writing. Just letting a train of thought go. Those are two of the most powerful books I’ve ever read and they’re both written in a unique fashion. Have you ever fallen for any sort of Internet-based hoax? (e.g., fake celeb death, satire news article…) I’m sure at some point, especially as a kid. Do you tend to read reviews before you watch a movie or read a book? What do you hope to get out of doing so? NO. I don’t wanna have any precognition. When you go to a concert, how far must you travel for the most usual venues you visit? Most are on the other end of the state, and NC is long, so. We’re lucky if they come to Raleigh. Do you rent movies frequently? I never do, really. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Take pictures or swim. What’s your favorite meal to cook? I don’t cook. What movie has been taken WAY too far, as far as sequels go? Oh, I’m sure there are some, but none immediately come to mind. I’m not that into movies. Do you refuse to eat certain foods because of what they look like? Yes. I am VERY poor at getting past how a food looks. What are you listening to? NSP’s cover of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” It’s fuckin gorgeous. How much homework do you have tonight? N/A Are you wearing any bracelets? Yes; one that Sara got me as well as an ovarian cancer awareness one. What's physically wrong with you right now? JINKIES I just feel really lethargic like always. Do you take any medications daily? Ha ha thanks for actually reminding me I need to now. When was the last time you moved to a new house? Two years ago, and now we’ll be moving to a much better place by the end of this month/early September, finally. When it comes to relationships, are you the jealous type? Nah. Which gift cards do you have in your wallet? Idk actually. It’s not like I use it a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt ill? What was wrong with you? A few nights ago. I was extremely hot, dizzy, and pretty nauseated. I was fine, though. If you wear make-up, do you take it with you, to reapply throughout the day? Does your make-up stay for a long time after you first apply it, or do you find that you need to reapply often? Are you wearing any make-up atm? I pretty much never wear makeup so have never really had a reason to reapply it. I’m definitely not wearing any now. Does your kitchen have a theme? No. Do you like ice cream sandwiches? GIRL yes. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. They’re more comfortable imo but more importantly block out exterior noise very well. Are you a fan of any independent films? ngl, I don’t know exactly what that is and I don’t feel like looking it up. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I very genuinely think some of the RP stories I’ve taken part in are novel-worthy, yes. I wanted to make them books when I was younger, but now I no longer do mainly because there are areas that are just way too fucking dark that I don’t wanna put out there but play massive parts in the stories, so like… Do you regularly watch the news? I never do. Facebook is my “news” source lmao. Who was the last person you video-chatted with? I don’t remember for sure, maybe some doctor? What do you want the theme of your wedding to be? I don’t really think about this, seeing as my mind has changed enough, and it also depends on what my partner wants, too. Have you ever been caught passing a note in class? Noooo, I absolutely hated passing notes because I was genuinely a good student. I only did so very, very rarely if another friend started it. Have you ever had dandruff? I have dandruff AND a dry scalp. It’s a wonderful mix. Have you ever gone through a phase of crushing on EVERYONE? Definitely not. Do you have any clothes with spikes/studs on them? I have a spiked choker, and I might still have gloves with studs? Can you remember what you last clapped for? My mom’s birthday! :’) Have you ever given a pet to someone else? Yes, with cats; we had to do that quite often when I was a kid because we had so many cats, none which we could afford to fix. Then we’ve done it with two dogs we just couldn’t handle. Oh yeah, I gave my iguana away too because he was too high maintenance for me, but also because he DESPERATELY needed a much bigger terrarium, which we couldn’t afford. I absolutely could not watch him in that tiny tank. I miss him a LOT, but he went to a wonderful home! The lady who adopted him sent me pictures upon pictures months after taking him in. Do you know anyone named Walter? No. What's your least favorite ice-cream flavor? Strawberry is fucking disgusting. And that’s coming from someone whose favorite fruit is strawberries. What's your least favorite song by your favorite artist? I’m not sure. There’s a handful that just don’t grab my attention that I don’t even remember them. What was the last good news you heard? I can FINALLY talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. Who’s your favorite singer of all time? Probably Freddie Mercury. What airline do you fly most? Idk, I don’t really pay attention. I haven’t flown very often though anyway. Do you have a dog that is destructive? I don’t have a dog. What’s one TV series you’ve seen every episode of? Meerkat Manor is the most obvious, ha ha. Maaaaany times. Assuming you have Facebook, who last left you a wallpost? Probably my friend Sammi. Assuming you have hair, how are you wearing it today? It’s too short for me to “wear” it any particular way. It’s just… there lmao. Assuming you're not homeless, what kind of living arrangements do you have? I live with my mom in a house she’s renting. Have you or have you ever considered messing around with the same sex? I’m bisexual so you can guess I’m not opposed to it. Are you particular about any brands of food you will or will not eat? Are there any restaurants you refuse to go to? Brands, no. I don’t eat Chick-fil-a because they’re run by fucking homophobic bigots that monetarily support conversion therapy and other anti-LGBT projects. I’m not giving you any fucking money. What was the most current dream you can remember about? Do you generally dream every night, or hardly at all? It was actually last night, when I dreamed about accidentally running into Jason where I last knew he worked, and he was really hostile. If I don’t take my medicine, I always have nightmares when I sleep.

[meiwroo]

Can you write something along the lines of Peter being super obsessive over the reader and he sneaks into her room and hides in her closet every day after school, constantly takes pictures of her and has Polaroid’s of her all over his room, she eventually talks to him in class and they agree to do a project together, she insists that they should do it at his place and she comes too early and sees the pictures in his room? ~ what happens after that is up to you ;) -🎱 (can this be my signature?)

Can you tell I didn’t edit this one as much? Also, I think I’m getting into the swing of things? Enjoy

Okay, so there’s one thing that bothers me. Whenever Peter sneaks into your room, he’s wearing his Spider-Man suit—enough to get caught in broad daylight scaling an apartment building by a bystander—or even worse a villain. Do you know how many villains could peep this and start coming after you?? Anyway

When it comes to you, Peter has a one-track mind.

It’s always ‘Do physics homework—Check the camera to see what Y/N is doing; Cook dinner—Check Y/N’s social media and see if she posted anything new.’ 24/7 until something urgent pops up that requires his undivided attention i.e. trying not to die

And the way Peter ends up in your closet is gradual.

At first he happened to swing by as you were on your way home, and he trailed you

Then he swung by when no one happened to be home. Curiosity got the best of him, and before he knew it, he was putting Karen on mute and sliding open your window before dropping down in your room

One thing he loves is that right off the bat your room smells like you

Staring at the knickknacks in your room, noting whether or not your room and desk is orderly, all of it gives him a better gauge of your personality that he’s not able to see when he’s listening to you and your friends talk during lunch or in class

And then it happens again and again, until one day, his Spidey senses start tingling and he can hear you unlocking the front door and heading up to your room. On the spur of the moment, he hid in your closet. Stupid, if you were the type of person to hang up your clothes as soon as you got home. But for hours until you finally fell asleep, he was forced to sit in your cramped closet watching you in your natural habitat. It was truly a wonderful experience…

It made him feel stupid for not thinking of it before. So, every now and then he would treat himself into sneaking into your room. On particular days where he hardly saw you because you either called in sick, ditched class, or had a field trip with another class.

If you were already home, he’d wait and sneak in when you left the room, or if he was feeling particularly brazen, when you had your back turned and earphones in listening to your music at full blast, he would just slide your window open, climb on the ceiling, and gently sneak into your closet.

If you ever wonder where the sudden breeze came from, that’s Peter.

And it continues until every day after school, Peter beats you home by minutes, sneaking into your closet, getting his daily dose of you.

He’s gotten himself a routine, where he would accomplish all of his work at school before the final bell, head to your place and make himself comfortable on your closet floor, leave when you go to grab dinner and go eat dinner himself with May, and then head out for patrols, before coming back home to catch a bit of shut eye

That’s what? Only like 3-4 hours he gets to spend with you every day? Regardless it’s not enough

Peter does record you though. At first through his phone, and then through surveillance cameras he’s placed around your room; One in the smoke detector and then a listening bug in your light switch

It would be small minor things like you talking to yourself, telling yourself a joke, humming to yourself while you browsed the web, watching you rage quit at video games, and even watching you struggle with homework which frustrates Peter to no end.

Listening to you get upset over not being able to solve a problem makes him want to tear his hair out. If he could just pluck the pencil from your hand right quick and show you how it’s done…All he needed was a minute

Another thing that also irked him? You losing points on homework because you left a section blank or didn’t turn it in at all. During those times, Peter just wishes he could turn homework in on your behalf and not get caught. He’d do it in a heartbeat if teachers couldn’t recognize your handwriting and the assignment had no way of getting back to you

When it’s late, and he’s all snuggled in bed, Peter likes to watch the videos and fantasize about would it would be like if he was next to you. How you two would interact, and etc. He feels closer to you whenever he does this.

Sometimes he likes to fall asleep to the sound of your shallow breathing when you’re asleep

Every now and then Peter likes to ease into bed beside you after hard fights that leave him bruised and exhausted

It’s easy to pick your habits and routines like this. eating habits, bathroom habits, what music you tend to steer towards, what content you like to watch the most on the internet; All of your likes and dislikes, favorite food, color, drink, what’s on your wish list right, what’s even got you stressed right—which breaks his heart because he’s not sure what he can do to help

But Peter has this collection, right?  Of odd pictures that he snaps of you every chance he gets.

He has a collage of them—11 or so—on the wall against his bed. Easy to hide with a perfectly propped pillow if May were to ever walk in his room while he’s away. He hangs the ones that are both artistic and articulates your personality the best. It’s his little masterpiece. 

Let’s say he gets beaten up too badly in a fight and he’s forced to stay home while you recover. Those pictures keep him going

But then there’s the scrapbook Peter has (in his desk drawer). Tons of Polaroid snaps—dated and describing what you’re doing—in addition to nonsensical diary entries beside them about how you made him feel in that moment or what he’d love to do to you, or maybe even a little poem

It’s mainly filled with fun memories Peter wasn’t really a part of. Pictures of you hugging your best friend and goofing off during a field trip, you winning a small award and going on stage to receive it, you participating in extracurriculars e.g. track and field

And then there are the nonsensical ones like your face before you’re about to devour your favorite food, or your aloof expression while you sit outside during study hall, or your deeply focused expression while you cram in gym class before a test you have next period. 

In general, Peter takes a lot of pictures of you; And they’re everywhere. All you have to do is look closely and you’ll find a photo under his desk by the foot of his chair, or a more risqué one poking out from under his nightstand—even phots sprinkled between the pile of dirty laundry he’s been throwing in the corner

It’d honestly be bad if May ever decided to spontaneously do spring cleaning in his room

It’d be bad if you came across these photos which—spoiler: you do.

Everything was going great with Peter watching from afar, and then you had to go and talk with him

Don’t get me wrong, Peter was so happy he thought he would puke.

It had been in APES, and the class was doing a lab. Your friend who takes the class with you and had called in sick, so you decided to partner up with Peter, I mean he did sit directly to the left of you

His heart stopped, of course, he was praising the heavens that his voice didn’t crack, everything was great. His day was blessed, and he actually spent time talking with you which rolled smoothly between you to.

There was a report due on Monday, so you two decided y’all would both knock it out today after school at his place. 

Big, fucking, mistake.

Peter was so high on cloud nine, that he forgot about his little hobby littered around his room—the same room which you two planned to do the assignment in since May had her weird project occupying the majority of the surfaces in the living room which she explicitly told him not to move

It didn’t dawn on him until you asked to use his bathroom, and he walked into his room. 

He picked up a shirt, sniffed, and was ready to toss it into the hamper until two photos fluttered out.

And then magically he realizes that he had his scrapbook out with the recently developed 6-7 photos scattered on his desk.

He heard you exit the bathroom and his heart stops.

“Peter, you in here?”

His eyes dart between the door and the scrapbook comically

He could’ve webbed the door shut, climbed out the window, and then crawl in through the bathroom and say something like he needed to go retrieve something from May’s room—which he should’ve did, but instead there you are smiling at him in the doorway casually greeting him before your eyes flicker to all of the Polaroid's and decide to pick one up

“Y/N wait!”

Your brain takes a full minute to fully process what you’re seeing

Let’s say it’s a picture of you changing in your bedroom

When you look Peter in the eyes and see his panicked expression, it tells you everything you need to know.

You should’ve left after the first picture, but you needed to confirm, so you started picking up the nearest pictures, shuffling through them.

You grabbing coffee with MJ, you going shopping with your mom, you trying on dresses and browsing in a local department store, even you propped lazily against your friend’s car while you wait for them to lock their front door.

“Where did you get these?!”

“I—I can explain!”

You try to make a run for it, but Parker’s quicker than you, stronger than you; He pins you against the wall easily, both of your wrists clasped tightly in one hand.

He’s breathing heavily as though a panic attack was soon about to set in

“I can explain…” is all he says, staring into your eyes wildly

Feedback?

[onelyaaaj]

This has not been proof-read and I don’t care.

I’m only here because I kind of need someone to talk to. But I don’t really want people to know what I’m going through. People just suck sometimes. 

I’m having a hard time. With my friends and with an ex boyfriend. I know...it’s life. But I just wanna let it out somewhere. Somewhere personal for me. So that I can feel a little better, and come back one day and realize that it just takes time to heal. Let’s do it. Post #1. 

I love my friends. But sometimes they can be...I don’t even know what word I’m looking for. They just think about themselves a lot. And hey, I don’t blame them. Maybe I’d be a lot less hurt these days if I did the same thing. One of my friends thought she walked in on me crying yesterday (my eyelash was just bugging me) and almost immediately walked out because she didn’t want to deal with me. We laughed it off because, that’s what I do. One of my friends died this past weekend in a car wreck. Her name was Nique and she was so sweet. I was crying about it last night and another one of my friends told me to stop drinking lol. Cole world. #RIPNique 

The man I love is, complicated. He doesn’t love me back but I think he tries to. Which is, terrible. I ask for simple things. A phone call or a text message to check in with me, but he can’t do that for me. So I decided to break it off for good last night and here we are. I’ve cried a thousand times this year over him and I’m just tired of crying really. I hate the headaches the next morning from crying. My head is actually pounding right now. He was the best and worst love of my life. You ever want something so so so bad, and it’s right there but you just can’t have it? It’s torture. This is torture. I feel sick. I don’t really want to eat. I just want to lay in bed all day and watch The Office or lay in silence. I wonder how long it’ll take me to stop feeling so sad. I always feel so sad. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is probably the worst pain. And trust me, I know what pain is. My anxiety is flaring, per usual. But it’s always the worst after I fight with him...or break up with him. I break up with him every other week, but I know this time it’s for good. I can’t keep doing this to myself, or him. It’s toxic, it’s sad, and it’s unnecessary. 

Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are man. It hurts so, so bad. Everything hurts. Getting up for work in the mornings, going to work, working, going home, being home, all of it. And it’s OK to hurt. It’s OK to not be OK. And sometimes I forget that. My friends and family don’t allow me to be sad, and I think that’s why I’m so sad all the time inside. I can’t talk about everything that’s bothering me because it’s too bizarre for people. Me talking about my pain is just too bizarre for people. 

I’m an empath. So not only do I carry my own pain, I carry pain from others also. It’s heavy, but I can’t help it. I just feel everything. But I need to focus on feeling this pain that I’m going through right now, so that I can get over it. 

Apart of me is sad because I want my ex to text me and tell me that he loves me and can’t lose me, but then I don’t want him to because it’ll just make it harder for me to move on. And I need to move on. The best thing for me to do is remove him completely from my life and cut off all access. No texts, no Twitter, no Instagram, no e-mail. Just complete silence. I blocked him. But I have a bad habit of unblocking him once I’ve calmed down. I’m not going to do that this time. Maybe we could be friends in 2020. But just not right now. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I hope it’s true. My friend told me last night that she didn’t think I was serious this time. Again, my friends aren’t the easiest people to talk to. I want to be healthy again. I’m taking my vitamins and taking care of my business and that’s been helping. But this situation has me really down today. Breakups are like deaths. You’re grieving the loss of a partner. They’re gone from your life and you have to live everyday without them. It’s the worst. I don’t wish heartbreak on my worst enemy. Ugh, my eyes are so puffy right now. I can’t really talk to my mom about this either. She never liked my ex so she doesn’t like talking about him. And I’m not really in the mood to hear, “I told you so.” It’s hard being surrounded by people that do love you, but just can’t hear you. 

I’m very lonely. But I’ve been lonely for some time now. I just deal with it, but the pain has been excruciating lately. I’d never kill myself by the way. I’m far from suicidal. I’m just hurting. Just trying to release. I don’t think I need a partner to feel better, but I think that having someone would make me feel...better. Someone that loves the way I do. I’d really like that. I’ve tried to meet other people this year, but no one has been able to make me feel the way I feel about my ex. He was probably my first love. I thought I’d fallen in love before him, but I’ve never felt like this so...yeah. Again, it’s just hard. I know it’s going to take time and that scares me. How much time? When will this stop hurting so badly?

I do this thing where I feel guilty about being sad. I think about all of the great things I have going on and how blessed I am and I feel so stupid for being sad over men and other shallow stuff. It’s like, girl...people are dying in the world. A mother just lost her daughter, my friend. And here I am crying about being heartbroken. But I need to stop doing that though. It’s OK. It’s OK to be sad over a dumb guy. It’s apart of life and feeling things is OK. Being emotional is OK. I don’t need to feel guilty. I wanna work on that. God I need a therapist...what the fuck. 

I love him. I love him despite the fact that he treats me so poorly. I’ve never felt so small or unimportant by anyone. And I still love him. What is that? How does that even happen? I never thought I’d be that girl. Being in love with a man that does nothing to make her feel special. He’s so clearly not concerned with me, and I just can’t let him go. I guess I hold on to the potential...what I think it could be. But it won’t be. I know he’d be a great father, and he’s such a good human being honestly. He’s just not for me, and that’s OK too. I just wish we would’ve gotten married and had a child together. Lived in a beautiful home and I would have taken such good care of him. I think I’m perfect for him, but I guess I’m not his one. And that’s OK, just a little hard to except sometimes. It’s all very hard to accept. I think I’m going to take a break from social media too. I just need to heal. I just want silence. 

I almost got over him before, and then he kept coming around...calling, texting, emailing, etc. I fell for it again and went back. Look where it got me. I was almost used to not speaking to him everyday, or seeing him, or just being with him at all. Almost. I just have to get back to that. I just have to be strong. But you just get so tired of being strong man. It gets exhausting. Sometimes I just wanna scream my head off and break things and run. No one ever knows. Last night my friends saw me cry for the first time. One of them told me to stop drinking, and the other started talking about herself. I think I said that already in this post but whatever. I’m still hungover and sad so it doesn’t even fucking matter. I have to say, this feels good. I’ve been telling myself that I wanted to get back on Tumblr and do this for some time now. I hope that this can help me get through this a lot faster. I think that seeing my thoughts in front of me is giving me some type of relief or ease. If you’re reading this, if you can relate, I’m sorry. I hope that you can find a way to deal with your pain too. We’ll get through this. 5 years from now none of this will even matter. It’s going to be OK. You’re going to be OK. Stay with me. 

Nel 

[silentasasongbird]

This is a very, VERY long post about my struggle with mental illness.

I’ve always tried to be fairly open about things that have happened in my past, because I feel like now, that I’m older, if I’m open about my experiences, then maybe someone else out there that’s had similar things happen won’t feel so lonely. However; I’ve been debating with myself for this whole month whether or not I should discuss things in complete open honesty, and I finally convinced myself to do it. SO I’m gonna take it way, way back, and go through some experiences, stories, tips, etc. TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, and probably other stuff that I’m missing. I will also edit ALL names in this, to keep privacy for those who may not deserve it, but earn the right regardless. 

Ever since I can remember, I’ve ALWAYS experienced life through extremes. I was a very adventurous child, with my joy being so exuberant, my temper so short-fused, my sadness so explosive. But I never, ever realized that it wasn’t how everyone was supposed to feel. Even as a kid, my little crushes on people were so extreme and my rejection so devastating. I was bullied as a kid, too, often times making friends with kind of the odder (but ultimately better, and kinder) classmates. I wasn’t HORRIBLY teased. I wasn’t ever beat up, I wasn’t thrown in trash cans, just enough that every day school was a source of anxiety. I lived on a boat for about three to four years in elementary school, and it was during that time that I was beginning to know what like.. crushes and feelings of that nature were, and I was about 11/12. There was a neighborhood kid, Steven, who was best friends with my older brother. My brother has about four years on me, his friend maybe six? This person was someone who helped babysit me, helped watch over me while my parents worked. I was about 11, he was 16 or 17. He was my first kiss, before I even really fully understood what kissing was. He often touched me in ways that I didn’t KNOW were wrong until later, when I’d do them with a lover. Every single time it felt scary, it felt not okay, but he was like a brother to me, and I figured it was fine. So that was my catapult into the realm of adulthood, which launched me into middle school. 

Middle school for just about everyone is a weird, confusing experience. It was probably a little more confusing for me because I learned that not everyone lives in extremes, and not everyone also loves and crushes on everyone equally. I realized that there was a name for how I felt about people, and it was “bisexual” (Later, after becoming more educated, I learned that I actually identify as pansexual, but life was pretty narrow then.). My body was also changing, as it does for everyone at that age, and with it, my mental health took a serious, immediate drop. I was internally a minefield, just waiting for the moment that my brain and body would completely fall apart. A friend had showed me what cutting was, and I immediately took to that, burning and cutting my body, a thing that stood with me for at least 10 years after that. (I’ve been self harm free for about a year, and I’m 24.) I devolved an eating disorder, and lived with anorexia for years, and I still to this day struggle with it. I fell in love with people often, and when those feelings weren’t returned, or things ended, I lashed out, mainly at myself. And this WHOLE TIME I thought these things were normal. That everyone goes through them, I was just an angsty teen, and I’d get over it. I felt ashamed that everyone else was handling things fine, that everyone else felt the exact same way, and how weak was I to not be able to manage it? I was also a compulsive liar, often fabricating extreme stories to make myself more interesting, because I was so terrified that everyone was going to realize what a wreck I was if they knew what my day to day life really was. The only thing that got me through it was writing songs and poems. I loved music, and loved reading and writing (still do), so it was an excellent outlet for me. The things I wrote were often dark, and graphic, but they kept me alive. One day, a teacher found one of my darker poems about sexual assault, and police got involved. My parents and I both agreed that I should be transferred to a better school. 

When I started highschool, things were very normal for highschool standards. I had been learning how to hide my cuts, how to better hide my emotions, but I wasn’t perfect. I fought with my friends, and I was often terrified of being in a new place without any friends at all. I was overjoyed at any attention I’d get from boys, often falling for those who weren’t the best for me. My first serious boyfriend, Mark, was a guy I dated in 11th grade. I was horribly abused, daily, by this person. Primarily emotionally, and mentally, but he would also throw chairs at me, scream in my face, and pull my hair. Living life as his girlfriend was a never ending nightmare, with me experiencing anxiety so strong, that every. single. day. I would throw up, sometimes multiple times a day. Some girls in my drama troupe thought I was bulimic, but I was so terrified of my self and him that I was physically ill. I’m 5′, and I dropped to a weight under 100. I couldn’t keep anything I ate down, and my hair started falling out. My teachers allowed me to sleep through my classes, or put my head down and silently cry, because they would hear Mark screaming at me outside of classes. Half of my drama troupe put me through hell, insulting me as a cry baby, as a “drama queen” because I was barely holding onto myself. He took my virginity, after I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want to have sex yet, and after vomiting for half an hour, while I lay on the ground sobbing. He absolutely convinced every part of me that that was what love was, and that was who I was going to marry. He would go out most nights, late into the night, to sleep with other women, while telling me I was crazy and making things up. He realized that he could use my mental illness against me, and he did at every chance he got. I often only got two or three hours a night of sleep, as he wouldn’t let me go to bed until he said I could, and would often fall asleep before allowing me to.

I was in hell, for about seven months, and a lot of this stayed with me even to today.

I eventually met someone new, and was semi-happy, not understanding that just because someone is kind to you, doesn’t mean you have to love them. I moved away for college, with my mental health declining more and more with every day. I was unable to attend classes, often laying in bed for days at a time, with my at-the-time fiance coming home, finding me just laying in a bathtub, completely clothed with cold water on for no reason. I wouldn’t leave the house, wouldn’t let him have friends out of fear of abandonment, and one day, he came home to find me hanging from a belt in the closet, just passed out. Another time, he woke up to me throwing up a handful of pills that I had only taken enough to get sick off of, not die. After this, he had one of his only friends, and one of the only people I knew and trusted in this new life of college, watch over me. They would take turns, placing me on a kind of suicide watch. It was easy, as I would often just lay in bed, essentially catatonic. One day, his friend, Jason, got extraordinarily high and started kissing me. I didn’t move, didn’t react, didn’t say yes or no, just laid on my side, like a corpse. And he fucked me. I say this as vulgar as I say this, because it wasn’t kind. It wasn’t loving, it wasn’t even friendly. I was depressed, with matted hair, an un-showered body, and un-brushed teeth, and he did whatever he wanted, and I didn’t stop him. When he was done, I just for once, in probably days, got out of the house, and drove him home. My fiance came home, and I was crying, and told him what happened. The next day, when Jason came over to see us, my fiance confronted him, and Jason broke down crying, admitted what he did. I watched my fiance hug him, comfort him, and admit to him he understood, as I was such a pain in the ass to look after. A few months later, my fiance ended things, and moved away. 

 Almost every relationship I had in college was a mess. I was unstable, with every day becoming worse and worse. But I had a solid group of friends, for once in my life. Two friendships that had survived through middle and highschool (shoutout to Kallen and Regina, usin’ your real names here because you’re the goddamn MVP’s) and some college friends, I was, externally, managing fine. But I was sleeping with anyone who would show affection, often times sleeping with people who had partners, and I didn’t care. I just hoped that anyone would give a fuck about me. When one or two of them actually did, I was impulsive and destructive, hurting them badly by cheating and leaving them. One time when this happened, I realized what a monster I was, cut myself all over my body, and went to jump off of a bridge onto a freeway, or in front of a car. I told a friend what I was doing, and she called the police. I stayed on the phone with another amazing human, who that friend had told what I was going to do. 

 I was walking around the streets at 3 in the morning when the cops found me, handcuffed me, and took me to the hospital.In Florida, they can hold you for 72 hours if there is probable cause that you’re a danger to yourself or someone else. Having proof of texts on my phone and cuts on my body, I was held in a hospital unit for those full 72 hours. I was taken to a room, given a syringe of a clear liquid, and a handful of pills that TO THIS DAY I don’t know what they were. I was exhausted, and they stripped me down and took photos of my naked body, of my tattoos, cuts, eyes, anything that was recognizable, I guess, if I ran away.

I was so, so terrified every second I was there. No doctors would speak to me, and I was given medicine three times a day and never told what it was. I heard people screaming, every single night, and tried so hard not to sleep, but was forced to by whatever medicine I was given. I lied, every second I was in there, so I could get out. I was so, so good at it, with years of practice, and they believed me. I met with a doctor, finally, on the day of my release for SEVEN MINUTES. Seven minutes was the only amount of time I saw anyone other than a nurse or another patient. After seeing a cross in the doctors office,  I pretended I was highly religious, and I finally saw god’s light, and how I was going to make it okay. How I only did these things for attention and he believed me. And let me go.

I was forced to take exit counseling with the university after that, where when a doctor asked me what I had been diagnosed with in the hospital, and I told her I was never told, and that I saw the doctor for seven minutes, she called me a liar, and that they had diagnosed me with major depression, and my memory was failing me. Which, is funny because to this day I remember every single second in that psych ward. I was terrified to contradict her, and I didn’t want to be forced back to the hospital. I eventually got permission to see another therapist, who I saw for two months, and genuinely taught me a few good coping mechanisms. After being put on several different medications, and seeing different therapists and psychiatrists, I got the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Finally, after years of questions and no answers, and suffering SO MUCH, there was a name. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t losing my mind. I could make it through. If other people live through worse than me, I was fucking going to live.I started going to class. I worked full time, and went to school full time.

When I got into an abusive relationship, he gave me a black eye after three days of dating, I left. It was exhausting, it was painful, but I did it. I was healing, and I was coping. I was living day to day, yes, and I was still relapsing, but I wanted to get better.

One day, my best friend became my boyfriend. We moved out of the shitty town that had shitty memories on every street, and we moved across the country to Ohio. We got engaged, I was getting better every day. We got married, I was getting better every day. We lived at the Grand Canyon, I was getting better every day. We just three weeks ago moved to California, and I’m still getting better every day. I still relapse. I still wake up in the middle of the night from the bad dreams. But when that happens, it feels like I’m just swimming underwater, not being held down and drowning.

I’ve still had suicidal thoughts. I still have to deal with jumps from extreme joy to extreme anger. Julian and I have codes for my days, moods associated with colors, and he’s patient. And I’m patient with myself. I try to be kind to myself, and I try to just still live day to day, but I have a future that I see and I want to get to. I paint, I sing, I write songs. I cut hair, I color hair, I take photographs. I do anything to help me get through the bad times, but I do them.

This is mental illness awareness month, and I’m here to say that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and I’m managing. And I can’t wait to see what tomorrow is going to bring, every single day. 

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 6: Iasi- Grumble Warning

Ok, so, I've fallen a bit behind on posts and the one I was working on just deleted itself in a fit of selfishness, so I plan, over the course of today, to upload three mini-updates of significantly reduced length, in an effort to not send myself mental, trying to catch up. Don't worry. You won't be missing much.

So, let's speed through day 6; for the first time on the trip I had managed to let myself wake up naturally, without my alarm or (despite their best, snore-laden efforts) room-mates prematurely rousing me. Consequently, I slept until 12 and had managed to waste a good portion of my first full day in Iasi.

I shared my room with an odd Romanian man, who we will get to later and another, eerily quiet, fairly creepy man who had sat stock still, the previous night, not moving, even to check his phone when it went off, save for one incident, where he sauntered directly over to my bunk to thrust a piece of melon into my face, to ask if I wanted some. I did not. Melon is gross. By the time I had woken up, however, both men had vacated the room, with my melon based assailant seemingly having done so permanently. I was very glad of this fact.

After a genuinely infuriating experience of trying to drag my incredibly low-end laptop through the relatively demanding experience of trying to book accommodation for Cluj-Napoca; my next destination, through AirBnB, who had also arbitrarily decided that I, all of a sudden, needed to scan my passport into the website in order to make any further bookings, for some mad reason, I finally managed to get out into Iasi, to explore the city properly. Sort of.

The sky was badly overcast, meaning, that once again, despite it being pre-sunset, my jaunt into the surrounding area would be undertaken essentially in darkness. Regardless, I pressed on to my first objective of the day; to hoover up souvenirs, like a mad tat-vaccuum.

I stopped, for what I hoped would be a flying visit, though actually ended up taking up a good portion of what remained of my day, at a gift shop I had spied on my way in to the hostel, the previous day. A timid little man greeted me upon my entry and asked what I was looking for, for whom and what my budget was. I told him and he considered for a moment, before demonstrating at wearying length each piece of stock he felt fit the bill, which, as it turned out, was nearly every piece of stock he owned. After an awfully long time, he stopped talking and I picked the piece of tat I most felt would make an appropriate gift and attempted to pay. He insisted on gift-wrapping it, despite the fact that I told him I did not need it gift wrapped, nor did I expect the structural integrity of the wrap to hold up, during my flight home. But, no. He did it anyway.

I left and, after a quick stop at a nearby mall to pick up a fridge magnet, upon which my demanding (though still nice) girlfriend insists I bring back for her, I was finally ready to explore the city. Like, for real this time.

I sat in a nearby park and pulled out the comically huge map I had been given by the hostel

I mean LOOK at it...

before feeling a bit embarrassed and putting it away, after taking a quick photo of it to take note of the highlighted areas of interest. I decided, in lieu of a better plan, to saunter between them, despite the fact that most, if not all of them just seemed to be old churches.

The walk was nice enough, with my podcasts filling my ears to distract me from the low-key mundanity and creeping cold that was setting in, though probably not of any huge interest to the blog, as it can be summed up in the single sentence “I saw some churches”. I nearly went to a museum which featured exhibits on life in the area at around 4000BC, which sounded interesting, but by the time I had arrived, it was getting close to its closing time, and so I did not.

I ended up, instead, in a nearby park, which my giganto-map had told me, I my memory served, had inspired numerous romanian poets to create their best work. It was, however, by the time I arrived, a little after sunset, and so I was only really inspired to leave.

Finally, I made a quick stop at LIDL to buy far, far, far too many pastries to make my nine hour train ride the following day, less shit.

The LIDL, though quite nice, had the curious flaw of not having any baskets for me to use, hanging around. People had trolleys, but I had no idea from where they originated. Instead, I was forced to just sort of fill my pockets, tuck under my arm and otherwise clutch onto the not insubstantial amount of things I wanted to buy. It was awkward and uncomfortable and for some time afterwards, my hands more resembled talons, but I powered through, little soldier that I am, and made my pleasingly cheap purchases. I remembered to buy a bag for the walk home.

I returned to the hostel and set about my evening bibble before being interrupted by my strange Romanian room-mate, whom I had previously mentioned. He stumbled into the room.

“...Deed you see the city?”

“Sorry?”

“...Deed you go and look at thee ceety?”

“What, today?” I asked, feeling vaguely affronted, like he was judging me for being in the hostel so often, when I could be outside exploring this gloriously mundane town. “Yes, I just got back.” I challenged, adding “I was out walking around for like five hours”, just to make him feel like a real piece of shit.

He seemed to drop the subject and wandered over to the window.

“You know eet was snoweenk earlier?” he said, desperate to prove that I wasn't paying enough attention to the outside world, apparently.

“Oh” I replied. “No, I didn't.”

“Yeah, its stopped now, theenk you meesed it”

Oh, fuck off.

“Ah, well, there'll always be more snow...” I said, philosophically.

“Who knows, man” he answered back, also philosophically, but at the same time, stupidly. “Weenters are getting warmer, you know”

“Yeah, true...” I mumbled back, out of politeness

“When I was a keed, always such huge snow in weenter, but nowadays, not so much”

“Well, that's global warming for you...”. My stock reply to people talking about weather I'm not interested in.

“...I don't believe so much in global warmeenk”

...Oh, no.

“Oh?” I queried, knowing full well that I was getting dragged down this rabbit hole, whether I wanted or not.

“Yeah, I mean it maybe happens, but its effect is like a drop in the ocean, compared to the governments weather controlling”

“...Wat.” I thought, and also accidentally said out loud.

“You know, chemtrails etc, you know government controls weather right?”

I wanted to just nod and smile, but I couldn't bring myself to. I had never actually come face-to-face with someone who harboured such a stupid belief. You hear about climate change deniers, flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers, but you don't honestly believe they exist. They're like Santa, or happiness.

“...I actually think that's a very dangerous opinion to hold, let alone spread. There's literally no evidence or science behind it, whatsoever.”

“Ah, you know science isn't always right? These scientists theenk something and then, a few years later, eets replaced by a new thing”

“Yes, but it's always replaced with more science...not just a wild, mental guess”

I don't remember exactly what he said after this, but  I recall it being stupid. Something to the effect of “oh yeah? Then why do we have less snow now?”

I decided, at that point, just to drop it and be angry.

We talked a short while longer, before he vanished back into the common room to study for the university course he was undertaking while living here, which was also weird. Psychology, if you're interested, because of course it was. I have know idea what kind inperceptible mentalist lure has lodged itself at the heart of that subject, but, my god, it is there.

I bibbled a while longer, before sauntering down to finally use the shit, hostel kitchen to make some sandwiches; both for tomorrow's trip and tonight's dinner.

The climate change denier was in the kitchen, talking to some girl wearing a rough, loose fitting jumper, with her hair pinned up in neat dreadlocks.

“Oh, wow.” I thought to myself. The conversation I'm walking into is going to be fucking ridiculous.

“...You know why you're not supposed to eat fruit after a meal?” the man, let's call him Mental Andrei, said.

“Yeah, of course...” the girl replied, seemingly trying to make herself seem knowledgeable about a subject which was categorically mental and had no underpinning in facts.

“Because” Andrei continued “the food is already in your intestines and so the fruit goes straight through the stomach and go to the other food and it ferments and makes you feel sick. Maybe even make you vomit!”

I wanted so badly to tell him that what he said was fundamentally ridiculous; that a) food does not move from the stomach to intestine immediately after you eat it, that b) adding more food afterwards doesn't immediately mean that that food bypasses the stomach, like there's a big open plug-hole going straight through to your colon, which slowly closes again several hours after a meal and most crucially c) that humans have been eating and drinking fermented fruits for probably thousands of years, however, I kept tight-lipped, reasoning that to correct them would at best be a waste of breath and at worst, be an inescapable portal into their conversation.

I set about making my sandwiches, which were awful. Normally, I'd do a long description about how they were like someone throwing up into my nose and me snorting it into the back of my throat then swishing it around my mouth and that's what they tasted like, but because I'm trying to be brief today, I will simply say eating these sandwiches was like being kicked in the mouth by a shoe made of rotten meat. It was a sad, dry, gristly affair and I did not like it. Good thing I had just made four of them for tomorrow.

I then turned in to bed, eager to sleep, which which I did, after tossing and turning for a while, for at least an hour or so, before some absolute thundering prick decided the following things constituted acceptable behaviour; checking in at 3am; having a tour of the room and its amenities by the receptionist at this time; switching the room's lights on while he put took his stuff in; loudly and clumsily putting all his clothes away on /hangers/, directly next to the bed of someone, whom, for all intents and purposes, he could have happily assumed was still asleep; leaving the room, lights still on to have a shower, in the bathroom located directly through the wobbly cardboard wall from my bed and finally, coming back to bed to sit up, lights still on for a good hour or so afterwards, loudly coughing, turning the pages of his book and chuckling to himself.

It was a good thing I didn't have anything strenuous to do the next day.

...Oh, wait.

[babyjohnnycakes]

Yo can I have headcanons/short scenario for the gang finding out their girlfriends were injured and in the hospital? (Each character's girlfriend got injured in their own way, they were jumped, car crash, abuse, attempted suicide, etc.)

okay, so this might suck so sorry in advance. also, i’m not sure if this is what you want, it might be too fluffy, so i’m so so so sorry :( hope you like it!!

warnings: abuse & suicide & swearing

sodapop: it had been two days since the incident. on wednesday, you were working late so soda, being the amazing boyfriend he was, decided to cook dinner for you. it smelled great, however, soda unfortunately forgot about your major peanut allergy. the grilled chicken he made contained peanut oil, which had caused you to pass out cold. you didn’t realize what was happening until you woke up two days later in the hospital with soda by your side. when you first opened your eyes, soda shed a few tears. it had scared him so much to see you pass out, and to have all the medical equipment strapped up to you to help you breathe. he was so glad that his baby was okay, but also very guilty.“baby, i’m so sorry. i’m such a bad boyfriend, i don’t deserve you, i’m so so sorry you had to go through that, i will never forgive myself,” he said, tears in his eyes.you giggled and caressed his soft cheek, “soda don’t say that. i love you with all mu being and i am so lucky to have you.”he gently took your hand and kissed it, promising himself he would never do that again.

dally: you ran as fast as you could out of that house. you were never going back. you have had enough of your father mentally beating you up, but tonight, it was physical. your nose was bleeding and you had a black eye. you had no idea where you were going but you just wanted out. out of this town, out of your life. suddenly, you remembered dally and ran to bucks. you and dallas weren’t dating, he always was sleeping around with some girl or other but you were definitely best friends and had a strong emotional connection. you watched out for him and he did the same for you. you two would do anything for each other, but none of you would ever admit it. by the time you got to bucks, something was up. your head felt weird and your eyes felt sunken. everyone stared at you weird while others backed away. maybe it was worse than you thought…“holy shit y/n, what happened to you?! we cmon lets go to the hospital, this is pretty bad. holy shit, what the fuck happened?”“it was my father he-”dally’s grip tightened around your shoulders as he lead the way out of buck’s.“look y/n, it makes me so mad what he does to you. you deserve so much more you know that? you could do so much more for the world and i have no fucking idea why he can’t see that. he can’t beat you up like that, its fucking wrong, you know i’m so mad right now! say the words, y/n, say the words, and he’ll be out of your life forever.”dally began to say something else, completely enraged, but suddenly everything became blurry and quiet until everything was black and silent.you woke up the next morning, surprisingly, dally was beside your side. there was a big bandage across your head and your mouth had a weird taste, like medicine.“jesus, you’re awake,” dally said.“guess i am.”“look y/n, i was real worried about you and it just made me realize-”“-yeah?”i had feelings for dallas as long as i could remember. sometimes it seemed like he did too, but with dally, you never really knew.“it made me realize how much you mean to me. how upset i’d be if you died you know? and i can’t even believe im saying this, it sounds like something fucking ponyboy would say.”you smirked.“what?” he asked, you could sense he was worried.“kiss me.”

ponyboy: you heard the brake slam. your head hit the wheel. it seemed like you heard everything. the smashing of the glass, your car hitting theirs, but the most dominating of all was your screams. and everything went black.“she’s what? what happened?”pony felt like his heart stopped when he received the phone call from dally. he felt his fingers getting numb. y/n? his y/n? in the hospital? no. he just was with her 20 minutes ago! this can’t be happening. pony couldn’t feel his voice anymore. he ran out of the house, straight to the hospital.“Y/N! Y/N!” he shouted as soon as he burst into the room you were.the nurse soon had him held down, telling him you were okay, but he needed to stay calm.“ponyboy. pony, i’m alright. i’m so happy you came, it was so scary, i-”“-shhh, honey. you need to rest. im here now,” he said putting his hand on your chest and began to calm down, realizing his babygirl was okay.

steve: you knew you should be scared when you heard the footsteps. you knew it wasn’t my type greasers, and you were scared. “what’s up babyyyy..” one of them said, obviously drunk.“s-st-stay away from me,” you imagined it would be more confident in my head, but when you said it out loud it probably just sounded like a lost little puppy. your heart was beating really fast now.before you knew it they were beating me up, and beating me good. there were 4 of them, against you. you were pretty small and looked younger than you were. there was blood all over the place.“let go of her!” was the last thing you heard before everything went black.you arose a couple hours later with a nurse by your bed.“where the hell am i?” you asked groggily.she gently smiled and said, “hello, y/n, i’m your nurse and from what i’ve heard, you got beat up pretty badly, i’m so sorry to hear about that.”everything came flooding back to me at once, as i felt the large bandage on my arm.“and honey, there was this young man really worried about you, in tears even. he felt so bad, i’m gonna go call him over right now.”steve? steve was worried about you? steve was the only one who would be, he’s your boyfriend. you felt content at the fact that steve was worried.on cue, steve burst through the doors.“baby! y/n! are you okay? holy crap, i’m so sorry i wasn’t there walking you home. this is all my fault-why are you smiling, did they put you on some drug?”“no stevey, i just love you so much.”“definitely some drug.”

johnny: (hey, i usually don’t feel very comfortable doing this, but just this one time. i’m so sorry if this offended you in any way, but there was a warning. i deal with this sort of stuff everyday and if you need someone to talk to, you can always, ALWAYS talk to me.) nothing was okay anymore. everything was falling apart. you cried and cried until you couldn’t cry anymore. “love, love, are you okay?” my boyfriend johnny asked, obviously concerned, nervous & distraught. shit. no. johnny did everything for me, he was my everything. he can’t see me in this state, he can’t. it’ll hurt him too much.“i-i-i’m sorry…i-i-just-..”he grabbed me and buried his face into the crook into my neck.“y/n cakes, tell me what’s wrong. i love you so much you know that.”i was hysterical, but he’s seen me like this before and he knew what was up.“baby, don’t think like that. you know i could never live without you. i need you. i love you so much.”i cried even more, how did i deserve him?he picked my up bridal style, and carried me to the hospital.

two bit: you ran to the bathroom, for the eighth time today, barfing over the toilet.your boyfriend, two-bit, rushed in after you. “y/n. maybe we should go to the hospital, this doesn’t look too good…” two said for the hundredth time today, but this time you agreed. you felt horrible.he brushed your hair and kissed your sweaty forehead, and guided you over to his car.as soon as you hit the hospital bed, you fell asleep. it was deep and peaceful. thank god, when you woke up you felt better. they gave you some nasty tasting medicine, and two rubbed your chest while you took it. it really helped that he was with you, he cracked jokes that made you feel better, and he was incredibly caring.“you doing better, buttercup?” he asked with a playful smirk on his face.“you betcha, keith.”

darry: the pan sizzled as you inhaled the amazing scent of garlic chicken you were cooking. suddenly, your hand slipped and the pan fell onto your left foot with a crash.a string of loud profanities left your mouth as tears escaped from your eyes. GOD, that hurt a lot.soda, who was the only one home immediately rushed into the kitchen.“y/n are you alright? holy crap, that does not look good. ummmm, lets take you to the hospital and then we’ll call darry. dang, y/n i’m so sorry man that looks bad.”he said while you were sobbing and hopping on one leg. he supported half of your weight as he dragged you to their car.the nurse had put some numbing medication on your foot and bandaged it all up. it still burned, but it sure as hell felt better than it did before.soda was on the phone with darry now.“darry, yeah, so basically, y/n was cooking and the hot pan fell on her foot and she’s in the hospital. okay, it aint my fault, and its not her’s either! it was an accident!”“hey, y/n, dars really worried. he’s gonna be over in 5.”i gratefully smiled.darry came sooner than i expected. he was real worried and was pacing and jumpy.“dare bear!”“y/n, don’t pull that crap with me. god i feel awful. i’m so sorry i had to work late. GOD that is a hue bandage. does it hurt anymore, shit.”“darry, i’m okay now, calm down. i’ll be able to go tonight and i’ll only be on crutches for two days. i’ll be okay so just relax,” then you added, “i love you.”he softened and sat next to me, while we spent the whole day talking while he drew shapes on my bare shoulder.

[keziacole]

tagged by @bumbleblossoms​ - thank you! 

Tagged Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coffeeeeeee

2. Phone call: My partner, just as they left the dentist. :( 3. Text message: Motherbot 2.0 4. Song you listened to: Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction 5. Time you cried: Uh… some point in the last couple months, I guess? Not sure when, but it was at something related to dogs. Honestly, I did most of my crying last year, during The Year From Hell, and I’m still a bit dried out.

6-92 under the cut. :)

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: As in getting back together again? Nooooo. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: …yup. Often. Sometimes not until a long while later, though!   8. Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge. 9. Lost someone special: Yep. 10. Been depressed:  Eh, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, so no, I don’t think so. Situationally really fucked off with things? Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Once. Story time, everyone! 

So, I generally have a really good alcohol tolerance and a cast iron stomach (not necessarily for good reasons, but hey), but I did once go to a party that ended very badly. I was about 17, had recently been diagnosed with CFS, and was on a heavy painkiller regimen. I drank when I shouldn’t really have done so, because bullshit and All the Emotional Drama, BUT… I did not know that my friend’s asshole brother had spiked my drink. (He was a peach. Gave his 14 year old brother acid once just to point and laugh at the result. Fuckin’ hated that guy.)

At some point in the evening – somewhere after the sham marriages, interpretative dance, and someone putting someone else through a table, because teen parties – I realised I was wayyy more wasted than I should have been, despite the painkillers, and I ended up spending all night hallucinating and throwing up, plus feeling horrific for about three days afterwards. 

Moral of the story: if you spike people’s drinks, you are a gigantic bag of toe lint and should suffer mosquito bites on your asshole for a thousand years. The end.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Purple 13. Red 14. Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Not yet. Befriend me, tumblr, you’re my only hope.  16. Fallen out of love: No, though I have watched my relationship with at least one family member crumble into dust. Does that count?  17. Laughed until you cried: At least four times a week. Which is one big reason why I’m marrying that motherfucker.  18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. See 16. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not yet.  20. Found out who your friends are: Yes, sadly. It sucks when you realise how effectively someone has manipulated the people around you.  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah, I don’t really do the FB thing. I should, I guess?

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: See above. I kind of have a profile, but I only use it to message people I’m related to who are freaking obsessed with Facebook and won’t communicate any other way. Ugh. So… most of them? I guess?   23. Do you have any pets: One dog – Hector, a grumpy and elderly terrier - down from two resident mutts and a boatload of fosters. Older dog died last year, and I’m not in a position to foster right now, which sucks, because I miss having a house full of beasties, not to mention making a difference. 24. Do you want to change your name: Already have done/am doing! I have no real interest in keeping up with more than 80% of the people I’m related to, and I never liked my birth name, plus this is easier to spell and dictate to people, and isn’t known by the abusive assholes in my life. So, yay! 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Ordered pizza and watched favourite movies with my partner. We did The Blues Brothers and shit-talked the progression of police militarisation in the US over the past 30 years, and it was incredibly fun, despite the fact we’re 3000 miles apart right now. Also, they remembered my birthday, which is more than can be said for over two-thirds of the people I’m related to.  26. What time did you wake up: 9am, but in my defence I was up until 3 last night. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking shit with my partner, knitting an afghan, and watching foster kitten cams and reviews of awful movies together, because these are good ways to help someone who has a dental appointment in the morning try to stay calm. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Getting my current backlog of work finished. Sooo clooose…. Promised myself a movie and gaming binge when I’m done. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Last week. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Either having enough money to fix all my problems (yes, in this case, money most certainly can do that), or just being on the same continent as my partner, so we didn’t have this immigration thing to worry about. Not having a debilitating illness that fucks everything up would be pretty awesome, too.  31. What are you listening right now: Freddie King 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, many Toms. All the Toms. Well, like, five plus. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Not knowing whether or not the electrician is going to show up tomorrow, which will mean I need to move the paintings and quilt top I currently have all over the sitting room floor. I’m not done piecing that thing yet. Grr. 34. Most visited website: Lots. Mostly Google, Politico, Reuters etc., but I’m living on eBay right now because I’m trying to sell off a bunch of DVDs, books, and vintage glassware. …Does anyone want to buy some vintage/antique glassware? 35. Mole/s: Yep. I had one removed from my back once. Turned out to be benign (phew!) but I got an interesting scar out of it. 36. Mark/s: I still have a faint surgery scar on my elbow, but it doesn’t look as Frankenstein-y now. Most of my scars have faded, but I still have some weird idiosyncrasies from things that have been broken or busted up. 37. Childhood dream: Writing was always my main thing, but also acting/directing. Illness took that away. Other than that, I always wanted to live somewhere rural with lots of animals, and be happy.  39. Long or short hair: Long. Lots. It’s huge. Send help. I like both on other people.  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Not right now. Give me ten minutes and a new Fet profile to stalk and I’ll get back to you... 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m a creative dynamo and I don’t stop until I fall down. I’m also proud of the fact that I’m a pretty compassionate and patient person, and I like the fact I’m slow to really anger. Someone told me recently I’m a very stabilising influence, and that was nice to hear. I feel like life can use more of that.  42. Piercings: Ears (two left, three right), nose (left). More on the way, maybe, when I can justify it.  43. Blood type: ???? I should check. I know the NHS won’t let me donate blood because of my medical condition, which blows.  44. Nickname: Zia. Some people call me Kez. One person is allowed to call me Admiral Fuckface McAsshole III.  45. Relationship status: Open relationship with my primary partner, technically speaking. Poly is good, but my planner is too cluttered for anarchy.  46. Zodiac: Aries w/ Aquarius moon, Virgo ascendant. I also have Mars and Venus in Taurus, so mooooo. And yes, I did used to do natal charts for beer money. I read palms, too. I’d still do it if asked nicely.  47. Pronouns: They/She. I don’t mind feminine pronouns, because I’m incredibly cis-passing and most people will assume “she”, plus I can live with being labelled female if it’s a binary choice, but I see myself more as a person than a gender, so I love that neutral pronouns are being used so much more now.

FWIW, I considered whether or not I was trans for a hot minute when I was a younger teen, because I used to love passing as a boy when I was a kid (until puberty at nine. Boo.), but for me it was the difference in how I was treated when I passed as male that mattered. It was the difference between “Oh, isn’t he confident and intelligent?” and “Hello, sweetie, don’t you look pretty today?” that affected me, not a real sense of dysphoria, so I decided the problem wasn’t really in how I presented, but in society itself. I have yet to really find a satisfying way of rectifying that, but I think we’re all making progress as a society. It’s very slow progress, sadly.   

48. Favorite TV Show: I don’t watch that many series, but Star Trek (especially TOS and DS9), X-Files (S1/S2), Game of Thrones, old mystery adaptations (all the Agatha Christie ever), Stranger Things, Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad… can’t think of anything else right now, but there are some. 49. Tattoos: One black and grey dotwork spiral goddess on my arm, next one coming soon (watch this space, now I’ve found an artist!) 50. Right or left hand: Ambidextrous. Yes, I can write with both hands. Sometimes, I switch in the middle of the sentence. No, it doesn’t look the same. I can also operate light switches with my toes from a standing position.  51. Surgery: I fucked up my ulnar nerve a couple of years ago by blacking out and falling on some stairs. It was melodramatic, and I lost the use of my left hand. Had surgery to correct it. I was awake but a bit sedated, and spent most of the time talking to the cute anaesthetist about chastity cages. Because... sedated? Yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sadly, he did not call, though I’m pretty sure he did a lot of googling when he got home that night.  52. Hair dyed in different color: Always, since I discovered Olaplex, which means I can actually bleach my hair without it completely frying. Most recently, I’ve had a mermaid fantasy in turquoise, green, and purple, but it’s faded a lot. Not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe orange, or neon yellow again. 53. Sport: I can’t do much without turning blue and blacking out, but I’ve always enjoyed tennis, badminton, swimming, and equestrian stuff. Is hiking a sport? Hiking’s fun.  54. Do you use sarcasm a lot: Um... 

55. Vacation: Last one was to see my partner; next one will be too. So, the woods of NEPA. Hiking out with some granola and my favourite human, and spending a few days playing with shelter pitbulls. <3 Otherwise, I’ve never really been on holiday. I went on a school trip to Germany once where I nearly got arrested and, when I was seven, I went to Malta and there was a hurricane. I remember wedging wet towels into the window frames and hoping we didn’t die, because we were on the twelfth floor and there was nowhere else to go. 

I did go to Norfolk with my mother for four days after her breast cancer diagnosis. Macmillan, a cancer charity that is very worthy of support, granted her a short break. There was a lot of playing dominos and trying to convince her she wasn’t actively dying at that precise moment.

56. Pair of trainers: Converse. All the ratty old Converse low tops in the world. 

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I have the house to myself right now. It’s awesome. I’m celebrating with homemade shiitake tofu stir fry, wontons, vegetable udon… and doughnuts. Not in the same bowl, though. 58. Drinking: Rum. 

59. I’m about to: Finish a short story, close out an editing project, format a print galley (again. Goddamnit, Adobe.), and try to finalise the running order of a poetry collection. Maybe send some emails, maybe eat the rest of those wontons.   61. Waiting for: The dizziness to go away, usually. 62. Want: The time, space, peace and quiet to focus on my work, and my health to cooperate long enough for that to happen. 63. Get married: As soon as possible, which basically means when we can afford it, because immigration, legal wrangling, and a ton of other bullshit. It’s a headache, but if there weren’t so many technical hurdles it would already be done.  64. Career: I write and make stuff. I’m doing it under a new name now, which is daunting, because it means starting over again, but I’ve spent the past few years doing a lot of genre fiction and being told my original work is “too original”… but I’m ready to say “fuck you” to that and see what I can carve out for myself. Come on, internet: don’t prove me wrong, ‘k? 65. Hugs or kisses: Ooh, tough. Yes? I guess hugs if I have to pick.   66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: I honestly don’t care, though I do very much enjoy short subs. Pocket rockets are adorable. 68. Older or younger: It really doesn’t matter. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I guess? Doesn’t really matter. It’s all pretty to look at, but who really cares? Arms are best for hugs. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. I don’t like too loud. 72. Hook up or relationship: Define the terms, yo. I’d say relationship, but the definition of “relationship” can be open to numerous things. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Um… possibly a bit of both, but more hesitant, probably.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I once dropped a contact lens down the back of a gas fire and spent three hours getting it out with Vaseline on a paperclip. My vision is awful and I wore very expensive gas permeable lenses at the time. 77. Turned someone down: Yup. 78. Sex on the first date: Nothing wrong with it (and nothing wrong with sex being the date), but it’s not for me. 79. Broken someone’s heart: So they said. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes, but not how you might assume. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Yep. 83. Fallen for a friend: A couple of times, with varying degrees of success.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: I try to, because few other people often do. (*the world’s tiniest violin plays*) 85. Miracles: Yes, sometimes in the form of coincidences, surprises, or the results of hard work. I believe in inverse miracles, too, when things go catastrophically wrong for no apparent reason. Or, as we call it at my house, Tuesday. 86. Love at first sight: Yes, in a way. Potential for love at first sight, I guess? I’ve usually found I know the moment I meet someone whether that’s a thing that’s going to happen or not. 87. Santa Claus: YES, DAMN IT. Okay, maybe not a literal dude in a red suit, but as a personification of the generous spirit of Non-Denominational-Winter-Solstice-and-Festival-of-Lights, he works. (I’m an eclectic neo-pagan/hedgewitch, but my most loved time of year is the whole October-February period, so I start celebrating Yule/Christmas around December 1st and don’t stop until Twelfth Night. I will take ALL of your symbolism, ALL your traditions, and – most importantly – ALL your festive foods and embrace them. In my belly. Thank you.)

88. Kiss on the first date: Probably. Unless it’s a baaaaad first date. 89. Angels: Again, not so much the literal sense, but it’d be nice to think there are positive presences looking out for us. I’d be very concerned about the serpent-like pillars of fire, though.  

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Aside from my dog, that’s my partner but they don’t like their details shared, so SHHHH IT’S A SECRET. 91. Eye color: grey-blue-thing 92. Favorite movie: You can’t just ask a person that at the end of the thing like it’s a simple question…! So. Many. Movies. Depends on the genre. The Blues Brothers, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Gattaca, Silence of the Lambs, Re-Animator, Die Hard, Stand By Me, Sleepaway Camp, Alien, Lady in a Cage, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, TRHPS, The Great Escape… those are movies I can watch a billion times (and have done). Honorable mentions, depending on my mood, go to things like Basket Case, Caramel, An American Werewolf in London, Exterminating Angel, Secretary, Gran Torino… I could have done 92 questions just on the most popularist movies I like!

tagging: I’ve been away for a few days and I don’t wanna tag people who’ve already done it, so if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! <3

[tetsorous]

Angst ask: Oikawa gets into an intense argument with his s/o and goes to work angry, turning off his phone to spite them. Because of this, he misses the last text his s/o sends him before they end up dying (in like a robbery or bank heist, etc. You decide).

TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH AND BLOOD. 

“Can you be any less annoying?” his tone was firm and cold, “Stop bothering me.” And with that, Oikawa left the house. Leaving you heartbroken and hurt. It was your first anniversary as husband and wife, having dated for 4 years, you and Oikawa were undoubtedly in love, he finally sealed the deal by proposing to you last year.

You looked at his retreating figure that grew smaller and smaller as he walked further away from your house. It had just started out as a minor argument, one that every couple has. But Oikawa was never the toe to admit his defeat during an argument. It started off as you complaining about how he never seem to spend time with you anymore, it wasn’t just for the sex. But he was never there physically or emotionally.

You didn’t know what to blame your frustration on. Him? His busy schedule? Volleyball? He would come home past midnight because of his practice and leave the next morning without even a simple goodbye. Times that were spent with him was never the same as before, Oikawa would be cranky or grumpy, leaving you stressed out.

The former high school popular was now on the national team. You had always supported him, you always managed to. But lately, it was almost as though he doesn’t care. His replies were short, monotonous and straightforward, unlike his happy-go-lucky self. Oikawa was never up for any form of physical affection too, he would just throw in excuses to not engage in it, which was strange considering how clingy he is.

This made you grow restless. Many sleepless nights were spent tossing and turning wondering what and where went wrong. Quiet sobs filled up the bedroom whenever you were alone. You finally mustered the courage to confront him about it, but only for him to walk out on you.

-Oikawa was stressed, he really was. His serves were always an out, his sets had never been messier than now. Now as a national player and a captain, Oikawa really needed to work his ass off to be qualified for the next upcoming Olympics. No matter how hard he tried, nothing was going his way.

It was easy for Oikawa to neglect you, and he didn’t mean it, not even one bit. Oikawa was so fixated on his goals that he managed to forget about the love of his life. He knew that, and he felt guilty about it. However, today was the day when the King of the court finally snapped. Oikawa was mad at you, blaming you for the fact that you didn’t understand him. But among everything and everyone else, Oikawa was the angriest at himself.

Oikawa, the most popular and charming boy in his former high school was always proud of what he got and achieved. Whether it was the good looks, sports or academically, he was proud of it. But now, he hated himself. He was disgusted, angry and annoyed with the person he has become. Oikawa knew that volleyball shouldn’t be his priority, but it has taken over his life now. And he hated himself for allowing this to happen.

Oikawa’s phone buzzed non-stop throughout the whole time, but the King never seemed to notice it. He was so caught up in perfecting his serves that he never seemed to hear the low buzz. “Why can’t you just understand!” he shouted as he delivered a powerful jump serve.

‘That’s not good enough. You’ve been doing this for years how can you mess this up?’ he thought to himself as he looked at the ball thudding on the ground.

He was picking up what it seemed to be the 100th volleyball when Iwaizumi burst through the door, panting heavily. “What’s wrong?” Oikawa asked calmly, unfazed. Oikawa had an expression on that was too calm for his own good, it was almost scary to look at.

“Oikawa!” Iwaizumi shouted. Oikawa noted how Iwaizumi called him properly, it’s usually a bad sign. “[Y/N] got in an accident!” Iwaizumi said in between pants.

Oikawa quirked an eyebrow and looked at Iwaizumi. “Look, if you’re joking, or trying to make me scared, you gotta at least make up a more believable story.” he chuckled, wondering to himself why you would even come up with such a dumb joke.

Iwaizumi was beyond baffled at this point. “What the fuck?” he asked as he walked up towards Oikawa and gripped him by his collar, “Check the goddamn news! [Y/N] is badly injured!” he shouted at the setter’s face.

Oikawa laughed and pretended to play along. He walked over tp the bench and picked up his phone. There were 15 missed calls, 9 from you and the rest from Iwaizumi. There were also 3 voice messages, all from Iwaizumi and 8 messages which Oikawa didn’t bother checking. Panic started to kick in, “You’re joking aren’t you?” he asked nervously. And if it was just a prank, Oikawa had to give it to you and Iwaizumi for making this so realistic.

But never mind that, Oikawa checked the news. It had a glaring headline that stated: MURDER AT XXX BANK. And below the headline, there was a graphic image of blood splattered everywhere and a body that was covered by a black bag.

Oikawa’s fingered felt numb, he let out a strangled laugh, “C'mon, Hajime, stop pulling my leg.” He looked at Iwaizumi that held his head down.

The brunette glanced down at his phone, back at the news article He started reading what looks to be the worst paragraphs he’s ever read. ‘At 11 am this morning, [First Name][Last Name] was shot to death in front of XXX Bank. The murder has not been identified yet. Further information will soon be released.’

Suddenly all Oikawa could hear was a high-pitched squeak. He read about how whenever he heard this high-pitched tone, it would indicate that the brain 'crashed’ and was trying to recollect itself. But it wasn’t just Oikawa’s mind that couldn’t comprehend what he just read, his whole body seemed to be frozen in place too.

It finally dawned upon the setter than he needed to go to the area of the crime scene and in a mere 10 minutes, he was already there. Oikawa was trembling and his mouth felt a little too dry for its own good. He barged through the security, ignoring their instructions and walked towards the bagged body.

As he walked towards the body, Oikawa started mumbling to himself,“[Y/N], you’re just pulling my leg aren’t you?”

Oikawa expected you to jump out, telling him that it was just a prank all along. But to his dismay, nothing happened.

“It’s time to stop now, I’m scared, you got me” Still, no reply.

But to his disappointment, nothing happened, you never did show up in the end. You didn’t show up with that grin Oikawa thought was annoyingly cute. You didn’t show up with that triumphant laugh which you would always let out whenever you won. Oikawa’s heart thudded against his chest, the rate of his heartbeat grew alarming faster with every step he took forward.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when an officer walked up to him. “Sir, are you the guardian of this victim?” and with that, the officer bent down and revealed the face behind the black sheet.

There was a wound on your chest, a clean hole that seemed to be a gunshot’s. Dried blood that was trickling down your lips. And your skin was pale, deathly pale.

The silence for Oikawa was deafening. The chatter of the ongoing passersby that were living a perfectly normal life. The wails of an ambulance. And the sobs that were coming from Oikawa’s.

-It was 5 hours after the incident when Oikawa came home, drunk. He checked his phone and realized that there were still those unread messages. He thought they were all from Iwaizumi but he was surprised when he saw your name there too.

Oikawa wished that it was you, telling him it was all just a nightmare. That he just had a dream that he hadn’t woken out of yet.

But it wasn’t. And Oikawa felt to his knees with his head in his hands, cursing the higher ups that decided to put him through all this. His life was destroyed and he didn’t know what to do.

His phone lay on the ground, it’s screen still lighting up in bright colors that hurt Oikawa’s eyes. It read,

'I’m sorry. I love you. Come back for dinner tonight okay?’ - [Y/N]

[in-a-trans-like-state]

I ordered a rex figurine for $9!! Its probably really badly made but still REX. 

Also hopefully its actually legit this time seeing as its looking more and more likely i was scammed about the phone (i did transfer money to a complete stranger without a third party like paypal or ebay which was pretty stupid) 

so thats $400 down the drain. I mean its not like i cant afford that. Its bloody annoying and there’s so many better things I could have spent it on but I am doing very well financially seeing as I live with my parents who are also doing pretty well financially so its not like I need the money but still Fucking annoying 

oh well it hasnt actually been a week since he said he posted so it might still arrive but he implied he used express post and the phone number is he gave is a dud so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it i moped about it for a day and then decided that if it hasn’t come in 2 weeks I’ll report it and just get a plan 

ALSO importantly I have my first appointment with the top surgery surgeon tomorrow (or rather later today) so I have been looking up stuff about it!! So excited. I have a 4 page word doc with questions and answers that I want confirmed. I really hope I can get it done quickly like before the end of the year at least but I hear she has a years waiting list :( 

one more thing I have been thinking of ways to change the world. My current plan is to start with local councils, research the councillors, their policies what good policies would actually be, then inform people and encourage them to vote (though I think its compulsory anyway?? State and federal elections are) ring , call and turn up to meeting, participate in politics.   Make a website, compile the same info for every local council in Sydney. Turn the council's left wing, learn how to influence politics and then expand on to the state level, and do the same thing, have a door knocking campaign, maybe get labour or the greens to back us? Convince them to have actual good policies? Protest Get people hopeful about politics and what they can do and that there are alternatives and apathy is not the answer, kill and breeding grounds for fascists,  then onto the federal level. 

Ha. Much easier said then done and theres probably already groups doing it. It would need a fuck load of people and research and while I can research (if I ever actually feel motivated) I am not good at persuading people to do stuff. I know very little people and they are not the sort to go yes lets dedicate a lot of time effort and money into this. well maybe one friend but I highly doubt this is radical enough for him. He is very the system doesnt work we need a revolution!

 Which is true but a) I doubt the revolution is coming anytime soon and meanwhile people are suffering so lets try to make the system a little kinder if we can 

b) this spreads leftist ideas knowledge  and sympathy. which is needed for a revolution. also if most people are sympathetic, then a revolution would be easier and the counter revolution would have less resources to use to counter the revolution.

I mean I think? This is just out of my brain when the said friend goes on about how NGOs are too compliant with the system  and I sit there rolling my eyes and wanting to shake him YOU WANT IMPROVEMENTS YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING and a lot of ngos ARE (certainly more than you little group of radical marxists, which yes you protest and educate which is something but someone has to provide food/aid/legal help etc and you have to comply with the system to do that so dont you dare look down on them for not being as ideological as you, you fucker)  

[ifnotlovethenwhatff-blog]

Chapter 12

ARIELLE

Today is an off day for me due to it being a Friday. I don't have to go in and I have no class so I'm feeling good about not having any plans. Kamil has been out job hunting for the last couple of weeks, just about everyday. He hasn't spoken to me about about any of the jobs he's applied for leaving me to wonder if he’s had any luck with the hunt. I’m doing my part by leaving the subject alone so I don’t bring him any extra stress. I'll let Kamil come to me when he's ready, that’s the only way to play this out. He's out looking right now so I'm all alone at the apartment for the next few hours or so. With me not making plans to leave I'm treating myself to a TLC day. I'm talking shaving, deep conditioning my hair, re-polishing my nails and toes, etc. It's been some time since I've put forth the effort into really taking care of myself and today is the perfect opportunity.

Before I take an hour break I need to finish tackling my hair. Today I decided to give my hair a break from weaves, hair pieces and complicated styles. The entire month of December and January will be me giving my hair a much needed break. Just as I finished rinsing the conditioner from my hair there was a hard knock at the door. I wanted to yell and ask who was there but I can just hear Kam cursing me out now. I grabbed an old tshirt that once belonged to my dad and wrapped up my wet hair.

The knocks continued a couple more times until I made it over to the door and revealed myself. Standing in front of me was the UPS man who was leaning on a tall box against the door frame. By the way this man was knocking on the door I thought it would've been Khayman at least.

“Does a Kamil Faiz live here?” The man asked, glancing down at his hand-held computer and back up to me.

“He does but he's not here right now. Can I sign for him?” I offered, toying with the tshirt around my head.

The UPS guy looked at his watched and then out to his truck. Inside were a bunch of packages that looked like they needed to be delivered today. I sensed his hesitation on my offer but he gave in. I allowed him to move the box inside for me and off he went. Locking the door behind back I ripped the shirt from my head and threw it on the floor. I don't know what this is so I'll just move it over to the empty wall in the living room. I tried multiple different ways to get this big ass box from point A to B but nothing is working.

“Fuck this.” I huffed, going back to the bathroom to finish off my hair and hopefully take a nap.

Several attempts later to take a nap and I was back to messing with the delivery from earlier today. Kamil ordered this and his name is on it but I'm curious and very bored so I want to open it up. I got one side open and now I have three more to go. In the midst of me ripping this box apart my phone began ringing off the hook.

My mom’s special ringtone filled the air for a good minute and then it was quiet. Minutes went by and her ringtone rung throughout the room, driving me a little crazy. I'm iffy on whether I want to speak to my mom because of what happened weeks back. I just don't know if I want hear another go round of what Vera O’Brien feels and believes. She hurt me so badly in the simplest way. I still haven't forgiven her for any of the things she said to Kam and I.

With reluctance I went to unplug my phone from the charger to return my mom’s call. As a distraction from whatever she might say I went right back to getting Kamil’s delivery open.  

“Hello?”

“ Hi mom.”

There was an uncomfortable vibe that settled between us even through the phone. I heard her shuffling things around in the background, breathing funny Only three words total have been said and I already want to get off the phone.

“Are you going to say something?” I spoke up, removing more of the brown tape from the boxes wings.

“I am, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven't heard from you since that night.”

Rolling my eyes at the sadness in her voice I set the scissors down and pushed the box aside. The more my mom kept going in with how much she misses me and much she wants me to come back home is getting to me. I don't mean in the way to make me want to pack my things and leave Kam. I just mean she's not making the situation any better for herself.

I'm not going home any time soon. If Kam and I don't make it I should have quite enough saved up to get a place of my own like I've been wanting to.

“Mom..mom..please stop. You made yourself very clear that night on where you stand with the choices I've made. I'm content with every decision I've made up until this point. So never again will I put myself in an environment with anyone who won't respect my choices as an adult. I chose to give my relationship with Kamil another try for my sake. I chose to switch up my living situation for the sake of my new family. Well soon to come family but you know what I mean. Wther you like Kamil or not, that doesn’t have any effect on my feelings for him.” 

For some strange reason I felt the need to explain myself. Kam’s been preaching to me for so long that I need to use my mouth and speak my mind. Unfortunately it’s taken all this time for me to take his advice and apply to every situation. But with every chance I get, I do my best to speak up and defend myself.

“Arielle I realized I was a little harsh with my opinions rather than trying to hear you out. I promise you I wasn't trying to push you away. All I want is for you to be okay and safe at all times. I didn't want you to make the mistake of uprooting your whole life to live with some boy and get hurt later on like I was with your father. I was wrong and I'm sorry.”

My gut feeling had me wanting to shed some tears at how honest she seemed. She's my mom and I'll always love her. I know she has a good heart but she can also go about things the wrong way. For example, the way she took my news about the baby and Kam asking me to move in. That night was pure shit and she's the only one to blame for the outcome.

“I understand you want me to be safe, I understand you want the best for me, and I understand your concerns as my mother. I get all of that. But what I want you to understand is that I'm free to make my own choices mom. I'm in preparation to become someone else’s mother so I'm not taking orders from anyone except my doctor. This is a new journey that I've embarked on and I have a man to help me. If you're gonna be active in my pregnancy and my baby’s life, which I want you to be, then I really need for you to let me take charge. I'm not asking for the world ma. All I'm asking is that you stop belittling me and respect the moves that I make. I love you dearly but my family comes first now. This little unborn baby comes before everyone including myself. Do you get where I'm coming from?”

The remainder of the conversation went okay. We still had our disagreements on certain subject matters but we did alright with keeping it civil. The last thing I need is to be arguing with my mom and I won't be doing that anytime soon. My mom promised to work on her issues with Kamil and our arrangement. She didn't however completely change her mind on how she feels. But hey..if Vera O’Brien says she’ll try, then I'm down to see the proof.

“Hey..”

Turning around I saw Kam making his way through the door with bags of groceries in his hand.

I mouthed my hello back to him and refocused on what my mom was saying.

“Do you understand where I'm coming from as a woman? I'm not talking to you as your mom right now just woman to woman.”

“Yeah mom I do. But as my mom I need for you to let me live the way I feel is best and allow me to learn from my own mistakes! You can't shelter me forever and make all the hard decisions for me. This is what I meant before by if you can't respect me as an adult first and your child second, then we have nothing to talk about.”

This conversation is making my head hurt and I really just want to take a nap. Getting up off the floor I went into the kitchen to help Kamil with my mom still on the line.

“I got this. Finish talking to her.” Kam mumbled, taking the boxes of cereal out of my hands to put them away himself.

“Okay fine. I will try to work on giving you the space you want. Now I'm not saying I like you living with him but I'll trust your judgement. I just hope you know that you can come home anytime you want. I’ve gotta get back to the work so I'll talk to you later. I love you Arielle.” My mom said in a gentle and fearful tone.

“I love you too.” I yawned back. Hearing those three beeps I set my phone on the counter and opened the bag of Doritos he just bought.

“How was your day?” I want to find out how the search went but I knew what to say and what not to say.ow to take things slow and steady.

“Uh..it was cool, nothing special. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow. How was yours? Did you have to work today?” Kam asked tossing the plastic bags in the trash.

“I haven't been doing anything special either. Just my hair really and no, I’m off today. Look I've been quiet about the job subject but it's killing me not knowing anything. I haven't asked because I don't want to upset you but I'm curious and worried about you.” I used my softest voice possible hoping I can get through to him.

Kamil stopped putting the food up and stared off into space. He shifted slightly so he was looking out into the living room and somewhat looking at me. He wasn't saying anything which could mean a number of things. I only pray that I didn't ruin his day just by asking a question.

“The search is still a search. But I do have court in two weeks about the Tiffany thing. I don't want to go but I need my voice to heard. I'm not about to be played for a fucking fool by a bitch who can't keep her life together or her legs closed to one man.” Kam spewing out his feelings in relation to what’s going on in his life brings pain to my heart.

I don't want him nor I to have to put up with any bullshit. We have too much on our plates to be focused on anything outside of making our family work.

“Do you want me to go with you? I can switch days with some-”

“Don't do that. You should work as much as you can before you start showing too much and they put your ass on maternity leave. I'll go to court and get this all sorted out. And besides I don't want you there in case anything pops off. She don't need any ammunition to go running her mouth to people she got no business running her mouth too.” Kam rebutted, making me feel stupid for putting myself out there.

All I've ever really want is to show Kamil how much I support him and have his back. If he doesn't want me to go then I won't press the issue.

“Okay.” I shrugged.

Leaving the kitchen I kicked the box out of my way and headed to the back. Shutting the door behind me with a little force I went straight to bed to watch some tv. I’m not in the mood for entertainment but I need a serious distraction before I scream. A minute went by before I watched Kam walk into the room from the corner of my eye. I sensed that he now he has an attitude because of the way I left the kitchen.

“What you got an attitude for? Because I told you I don't want you in court when this shit gets put out in the open? I don't even know what the girl is going to say Arielle. She is capable of anything which is only part of why I don't want you there!” He shouted.

“I don't care! I don't care! Can't you see that I want to be there for you no matter what?! After all we've been through and you still don't see that I'm willing to stand behind you on ANYTHING! You still don't fucking get it Kamil! I'm tired of trying to prove that to you.” I argued with passion and rage.

“Stop yelling okay. You getting worked up isn't helping the situation, you or my baby I'm not trying to argue with you boo. I'm really not. I don't want that girl speaking to you sideways because if she were to, I would have some words for her. And then who knows what could happen. I'm trying to protect you in any way that I can. Everything I do from hear on out is for our family Arielle. I'm putting myself out there for any job hiring so I can start bringing some bread here to this house. I promised you I would take care of us and I mean that until I’m no longer breathing.”

Kam left the room and then the apartment without saying another word to me. I don't know if he's coming back or if he’ll be out for a while. Either way, I feel silly for not seeing his side of things because I was only thinking about my feelings.

Something in my gut is telling me we jumped into this too fast but I'm not giving up. I made the choice to stick by him and make this work so I'm gonna honor that commitment.