#but i can barely functionally navigate the world on my own to an upsetting degree. if i dont have someone with me i cant do it. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

readymades2002 · 2 years ago

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briefly confided in my mother (mistake i never learn from) about how i am very sad that my ability to have a social life in the world is tied entirely to my sibling, who will be leaving here soon, and how i do not have any other way to get out of the house and how i do not feel i have anything besides work and despite everything that came after, including an apology for saying it, the first thing she said was “well i don’t have anything else either” which is exactly what prevented me from saying anything earlier because i knew that and i know that she is very good at going “it is what it is” about the most miserable of conditions and so would never admit to being unhappy about anything even though there is so much to be unhappy about including having to raise me to begin with, and that she also gets annoyed when others complain or are unhappy about anything because SHE does it and so why can’t everyone do it. and. well. i am pretty nervous about what this means for my life (nonexistent) going forward

#it is a cold thing to say but i feel like i have like. a month to befriend my sibling's friends that will be staying here #enough to want to spend time with me or else i am never going to get out of this fucking household #i dont have many coworkers my age and even fewer that i talk to because i dont like talking to people very much #which is also a massive problem because i want to but i am weird and shy and not always a fan of people and again very strange #but i can barely functionally navigate the world on my own to an upsetting degree. if i dont have someone with me i cant do it.#i am kind of freaked out about all of this. i have today off and work late tomorrow and i wanted to maybe go out tonight #but i. can't. because no one here wants to and im fucking scared to death of calling (and paying for) an uber #and then being out in the world on my own. so i just get to stay here.#not even mentioning i am fairly certain there is a new wave of That Virus going around so what would even happen if i did #which is also fuckinggggg miserable i am the ONLY PERSON who wears a mask to work besides the deli department #drops head in hands im never going to befriend anyone im never going to go anywhere again im never going to touch anyone #i do not want to say this because i am a very repressed person but i am never going to hook up with anyone which is disappointing frankly #i can BARELY text anyone and i am often in too much pain to even walk to the one thing i can do alone which is the library #like. oh my god! my life has no meaning. i trudge along thinking 'maybe it will get better'#and its not all been bad i DO have kind of an almost social life when my sibling takes me to do things with their friends #i got to play dee n dee yesterday and it was cool even though i panicked a few times under attention #ive been able to do things. i have some coworkers i like or at least talk to. im very competent and people like that though they know #nothing else about me besides that im good at my job.#but having those moments of like honest to god Hope makes it feel infinitely worse the rest of the time when im just #staring at the clouds and the clock and thinking oh my god it was all for this and it was not worth it #whatever. classic post of buzz. this doesnt matter and i dont know what the point in talking about it is but i dont have anything else #a job im good at and hate and a blog where i complain and a death wish and thats all. an unbearable early 20s myopia #this is stupid im going to do something else since ive upset myself. AGAIN

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