#but idk how often bc I have shit i need to be doing
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HEYYYY
acquainted was so fye twin 🙏
i was wondering if you could write something abt bakugo wanted to pick up chubby!reader (for wtv reason 😭) and reader being like “im too heavy” and katsuki’s just like “bitch what are you talking about. i’m katsuki bakugo.”
NEED this rn 💔💔
★ i need a hero!
ft. katsuki bakugo x chubby fem reader
warnings: idk chubby reader obv, dry humping, making out
notes: I LOVE MY MUTUALS HIIII !! responding to this immediately bc UGHHJ as a plus sized woman i just know he prefers big girls sorry. he’s so strong and could give less of a fuck abt your size. also i’m high rn so this got slutty sorry y’all
katsuki’s got you sat in his lap on your shared couch, his fingers massaging the plush skin of your thighs as you kissed. he’d often pull you to him like this as soon after a particularly long day; as soon as he’s in the door, he’s gotta have his hands on you. he shifts his grip to your ass, pulling you ever closer to him with a low groan into your mouth. it’s messy and intense and you can tell the dinner you’d made just before he got home would be cold by the time you both got to it. not that you minded at all with the way he ground your hips down onto him, feeling his cock stiffen beneath his hero costume.
you pant as you pull away for a moment, leaning your forehead against his and watching where your bodies met. he continued dragging you against his length, a hazy grin on his face at the sound of your whines. “m-missed you, suki,” you sighed, fingers carding through his blonde locks. he groaned in response, nipping at your neck. “missed ya more, princess,” he says hurriedly, kiss-bitten lips slotting against yours once again. “can’t believe i ever left. shit’s stupid.”
you giggled breathlessly at his attitude, knowing he loved his job more than anything (well, maybe besides this). “it was nine hours, baby, we do this every day-“ you’re cut off by your own gasp as his hips buck into your own, a low laugh rumbling from your husband’s chest. “doesn’t mean i gotta like it.” he gruffs, sliding his arms beneath you and shifting his weight to the front of the couch cushion.
“don’tttt, i’m too heavy!” you yelp, smacking his chest as you try to wiggle out of his grasp. katsuki laughs again, raising his eyebrows at you in disbelief. “you’re what now?”
“i said i’m too heavy, let go so i can walk! i don’t want you to get hurt-“
“oh, so ya think i’m weak now, is that it?”
you frown, furrowing your eyebrows in frustration. he always had a way of challenging you on things like this that just made your concerns feel silly - and, well, most of the time they were. “you know that’s not what i mean, suki, shut uppp,” you groaned, crossing your arms over your chest. “nah, you shut up,” he murmured against the skin of your neck, kissing and licking his way up to your ear. “‘nd let me carry ya to bed so i can remind you how easy it is for me to toss ya around.”
yeah, maybe sometimes you forget how strong katsuki really is, but he’ll be sure to remind you.
#mha x reader#mha#katsuki bakugo#katsuki bakugo mha#bakugo katsuki#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugo katuski x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader smut#bnha bakugo katsuki#bakugou katsuki#katsuki x you#bakugo x reader#mha bakugou#bakugou x reader#bnha bakugou#bakugo x reader smut#bakugo katuski#bakugou x you#bakugou x y/n#mha smut#mha x reader smut#mha x you#mha x female reader#mha x y/n#asks
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The Think Tank Random Headcanon List
Two people asked for this so that means it happening 👍 your welcome, most if not all of these r prewar/brain tank
-this one’s pretty supported in canon but think Dala likes fashion and dressing up🫶. I love giving her a fun little outfit
Yay
-0 had back pains pre brain tank. Also a lot of fatigue. The certified professional sleeper. When he’s working on projects in his home he tends to do it lying on the floor.
-this one’s basically canon but 8 has arithmomania. I say basically canon bc things in his house in Higgs often come in sets of 8, as well as his house being the 8th house despite there not BEING 8 houses. I think this would also extend to counting to 8 on his fingers when he’s nervous and such.
-tied in I also believe 8 has ocd. Borous has bpd.
-Dala was pretty reserved growing up, as she grew up/especially in the looped personality she became for lack of better terms “bolder and more flirty” as compensation for having been so withdrawn previously.
-I am wishy washy with a lot of gender headcanons for characters, my brain kinda just goes well idk if they’re trans but they’re not Not trans. However I do feel quite definitively that Dala is nb transfem, and Mobius and 0 are trans men.
-I think all of their names have some tie to the names they had pre recursion loop. Canonically both Klein’s name and his prewar last name start with K. I think the other’s names have similar ties.
-on that note, I think Borous’s old name (/just his family in general) has Painfully Russian origins. It makes his McCarthyism thing so hilariously ironic
-I think 8 is Canadian, but he only lived there pre annexation of Canada, he was working at big MT and living at Higgs once it happened.
-0’s old last name used to be “O’something” and people still used to call him Dr. O then and he still hated it. Doomed fate
-re: Mobius being trans, i think his first name was Edward. He named himself after Dr. Morbius from the movie The Forbidden Planet
-Klein is a big wine guy, like obvious there’s wine bottles strewn about his house, but I mean like. He’s the kind of guy to just know things about every kind of wine.
-Klein is probably the best dressed after Dala, I think he just tries to be professional for the most part. 0 thinks he’s fashionable but he isn’t. Already mentioned but Mobius dresses like an old lighthouse keeper. Cableknit sweater and the works. I think he’d also like antique pipes
I’m probably gonna alter the Klein outfit but yeah you get the idea. Doodles
-I feel SO STRONGLY ABOUT THIS. But 0 and Borous went to high school together. 0’s one line mentioning Borous in high school was just way too telling.
-Klein and Mobius need reading glasses. Dala used to need glasses, didn’t wear them throughout her childhood until like college, and then switched to contacts after college
-The think tank are all very close and got along much better prewar than they do at the time of the game. They kinda Jean-Paul Sartre No Exit’d themselves and their personalities are stuck in an endless loop. To say the least they started getting on each other’s nerves after 200 years. But this is to say they didn’t still bicker or anything prewar
-8 never really liked talking much. Possibly having selective mutism. This was mostly fine for him because pre brain tank you have facial expressions and hands and hand gestures that kinda make up for not talking at times. After the brain tanks he was kind just. Forced to talk to relay information. His speech was extremely awkward and stilted, which combined with the above head canon is why Dala made that comment about how they light him better now that his voice modulator is broken.
-they all have autism of some flavor tbh. To me. In my autistic mind.
-dead animal ment.// but I feel like Borous was that kid who like poked at dead squirrels and shit as a kid. It frames the Gabe and cyberdog thing well lol
-I’m an 8/0 head so I think they worked together a lot. Even if it’s not on the same project they would just do thinks at the same time together.
-the mentats on Klein’s bedside table are Mobius’s
-0 used to be a super big fan of House and RobCo when he was in high school. Obviously that is no longer true
-0 excels at making robots that are smaller. He doesn’t want to acknowledge this though. Muggy and his walking eyes (w/ wild wasteland) are both pretty small but they work well. The larger scale securitrons he’s tried to make obviously. Do not.
-I think the lounge music theme for the radio was a collective choice, but I feel like Dala especially likes music like that.
-Klein and Mobius used to play games like chess or checkers or card games “outside” in Higgs old person style.
-post brain tank one (woah) Klein has fleeting feelings of missing someone or something he can’t recognize. Any memories tying it to an image of a person he doesn’t quite remember. His brain just doesn’t connect that it’s Mobius and he usually just pushes the feeling down whenever it happens lol
If I think of more I’ll add them.
#thedamtalkingtag#insanity#my art#fnv old world blues#old world blues#fnv owb#think tank#doctor dala#doctor mobius#doctor klein#doctor 0#doctor 8#doctor borous#fallout#fallout new vegas#new vegas#fallout new vegas art#fallout new vegas fanart#I forgot there was art in this while making the tags lol
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hey guys am i allowed to say on main that i dont like metadad . am i gonna get beaten up for saying this.
guys i think we all took the term found family too literally and now everythings flattened into a boring nuclear family. guys can we stop. hello . is anybody there
#text#it was kinda charming at first but it feels like everytime i try to look at the mk tag its always the same shit . guys. guys.#we can do so much more w/ their dynamics than just dad and son ugh its so . ughhh.#every since i realized i was like . really really aroace. ive started to grow a bit of a distaste for shipping culture#this is relavant i swear. iwanna talk about metadede#like ok in fandoms right. theres often#the enforcement of specific roles onto characters for a simplified understanding of them for memes and drawing ideas#we want gay rep but we dont quite have it canonically so we make our queer headcanons seem more legit#by giving a char a same sex partner. ok easy we did it. gay people are real now#and we get awesome art and its wonderful bc people are wonderful#but its like . the relationships themselves feel flat a lot of the times.#metadede never seems to be about dedede. its about mk having a boyfriend. bc we need him to date someone.#and im not like . mad at anyone about this. i participated in it back in the day. but like.#ok so. gay hcs are the most popular in most fandom things bc its easy; hot; and sweet#but things like aro or ace hcs? its just. they. how can you depict that in a single framed drawing of a char?so theres none at all.#its not even that i actively hc chars aroace its jsut this is my world view; how i default to reading chars#maybe this rant in the tags is unrelated after all.#but idk. ive got lots of thoughts about things.#anyways as ceo of meta knigth im right about everything#i can talk more about metadad stuff specifically if people want
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"this man, is weird.. CRAZY weird.." "he was always very bright.."
#i think abt this soo often u have no idea#no one understands them like i do.. sighh..#platonic or romantic idc There is something Happening there#this also implies that sammy doesn't hate norman/displays some form of positive feeling towards him#bc it's shown in canon that he doesn't rlly like many ppl in the studio#and despite sammy's descent into insanity norman still appreciated him for who he was#they way norman talks abt sammy in his first audio log feels so personal too#probably kicked his feet and giggled abt him idk man#like okaayy what u kno abt him pooks... something u wanna tell me.. twirls my hair/..#IM SO ILL OH MY GODDDDDDDD#CAN ANYONE HEAR ME#i could go on a full 2 hour youtube rant abt how tragic they are#both together and as separate people#and dont even get me STARTED on the reason for norman's heart obsession while in the cycle and why he collects them#UGGHHHHHHHH KICKS THE WALL PUNCHES THE FLOOR I HATE THE FLOOR#been mentally ill about them since 2017 ❤ we up#at least until my pea sized 8 yr old child brain found out normmy was a thing#finding that shitty ms paint ship art changed my life..#theyre literally my og otp 5eva nothing will top them ever#smushing their faces together like barbies type shit#i do wish they had some kind of interaction actual gameplay wise in batim (or even batdr)#idc what kind i just need to see them in the same room together interacting in some way#batim#bendy and the ink machine#normmy#sammy lawrence#norman polk#norman x sammy#rosey rambles#I LOVE DOOMED YAOI
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i’m not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest don’t get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives
#sorry not to get on this bullshit i just saw a related post when i opened this app lmao#and by some people i don’t mean anyone in particular im not vagueing anyone or any specific post#and i especially don’t mean any transfem calling out transmisogynistic transmascs either#but yeah i see a lot of implication that trans men are like. somehow significantly privileged over cis women#and ofc i don’t mean that transmascs are incapable of being misogynistic to cis women bc that’s far from the case#but i need someone to name a transmasc with significant political or social or financial power that’s working to set back women’s rights#versus the amount of cis women with any of the aforementioned privileges working to take away the rights of trans people#bc i can think of 4 of the latter just off the top of my head without trying really hard#and the only day to day instance i can think of where trans men would hold significant power over a cis woman is like..#a workplace environment where he completely passes as cis and absolutely no one knows he’s trans at all or even suspects it#but then again most if not all of that privilege would be stripped away the second anyone there found out he was trans#but yeah i really do think some people need to grapple with how they conceptualize gendered privilege and their own power in these dynamics#and how that’s reflected in the way they think about/interact with transmascs#are you disgusted with this random transmasc on tumblr because he’s a man (or vaguely adjacent) or because he’s trans. ykwim#and again i hate the whole transandrophobia thing i think it’s stupid as shit and redundant to put it lightly and briefly but#idk why transmascs that believe in it have become the new face of anti-feminism and MRA movements#and not like. the cis men who started both of those things and contribute to the vast majority of that type of rhetoric in every way#and also hold enough power to leverage those beliefs over both women and also transmascs tbh#i think some people are just repulsed by the idea of anyone willingly wanting to be a man bc they see it as the same as becoming a cis man#in terms of privilege. when in reality by being trans you’re knocked down in terms of power and privilege from all cis people anyways#but also. some people also need to realize that transmascs can also have trauma and complicated feelings about being a man and patriarchy#and more often than not we ARE traumatized by the way cis men (and women!!) have treated us#and grapple with our place in the world as a result. it’s not just as simple as becoming a cis man over night tbh!!#and again i’m not talking about transfems with any of this because the vast Vast majority of transfems understand this more than anyone#i’m mostly talking about cis women both irl and also just in the terminally online leftist sphere#and i also think i should be allowed to vent my grievances with the power cis women often do wield over me without being accused of being a#raging misogynist or MRA or whatever
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It's never going to happen bc I don't have the skill or the determination or the simple understanding to actually do it but lately I've been thinking about potential video essays on...I'm not even sure. Autistic joy? Trans joy? The sheer unique joy of being me and of being a human who thinks and feels and how that's different but the same as so many other people. Like I'll legit start plotting out scripts in my head for how I would explain it to people (which I do alot for special interests and such but rarely to explain Myself) and a big part of me would love to just. Talk. About how it feels to be Me. But I'm also very unlikely to do that lol
#mentioned before but im super vibing with The Leftist Cooks rn#and part of why is how genuine they are and how much of themselves they share#and i would love to just...talk. about how and why i think and feel#but im doubtful theres a viewership for that and i wouldnt know where to begin#i do know some Film People partly through my sister helping found a communist socialist film collective when i wasnt looking???#shes also so fucking cool holy shit#but. idk. something i like the idea of but am very unlikely to actually do bc any result would be so rambling and incoherent#and i could never stand with other video essayists bc i dont have it in me to read and cite papers and sources#but...theres something there. something in the joy.#ive been gravitating towards peiple who talk about the joy in their marginalised experiene#bc it really speaks to me and i think its something we need more of#its one thing to present arguments against abelism or transphoboa or racism of what have you bevause its often so easily done#but there still isnt alot of well known people talking about the happyness and fulfilment they feel directly through being Different
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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not to overreact on main but.......why do white people go to actual effort to engage in microaggression like i am genuinely so.
#this man is just flat out calling me by my last name no title in front of it nothing#he did it in his first email and that was whatever he may not have known but when i replied i signed off w my first name#he used it once#and now we're back to just addressing me by my last name and like......idk i hate it#it is genuinely easier to use my first name to use the name i signed off with why are you not#and this is why posts about how we need to be kinder bc white people are 'trying' regarding our names just bother me bc it's like#it is so often laziness#so often people not giving a shit and not bothering to check#i can tell when it's laziness and i can tell when someone's genuinely trying#i would never get on someone for genuinely trying#but if you demonstrate being able to address me correctly and then.....stop doing that#what am i supposed to think lol#this happens so often i'm just tired. why am i supposed to suck it up when you can't get my damn 4 letter name right#delete later#sorry. it's been a Week lol
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girl at centre complaining about having to "stretch" her money until she gets her next disability payment (her grandparents also give her money regularly) and she goes "i'm going to have to order the cheapest option on the menu at [sushi place]!" and i just sit there with my eye twitching bc i have recently had to stop buying cereal bc its too expensive. cereal is literally my second favourite food of all time. i want to cry, i want to bang my head against the wall. also another person who goes to the centre stayed at the psych ward ONCE and they filled out all the paperwork to get her onto disability without her even having to ask for that, and i've stayed there TWICE and they've never even mentioned that being a thing they could do for me,,,,,, i want ! to kms ! sorry !
#the first girl also regularly buys DQ for lunch. and goes out for dinner often.#she only started talking about money stuff since i mentioned once rly awkwardly that i couldnt afford to get dq lunch w her#and ever since then she has just. been trying so hard to talk about how hard she has it financially#she doesnt pay rent. she doesnt buy groceries. she buys plushies and cross-stitch kits every few days. i am so fucking mad tbh!!!#god i wish that were me !!!!! i fucking wish that were me !!!!!!!#i get so stressed over my grocery bill each week even though i tend to keep it to <$50 that i cry when i look at the flyer for sales lmfao#(50 cad is 36 usd)#and i am so well aware that i have it good compared to some other ppl. thats why i do not talk about this shit around others irl lmao#idk what to do bc she is just driving me up a fucking wall. do not complain to me bc i have zero sympathy for u lol#u have walking around money. u have ''little treat'' money. u have money to buy tasty food and toys.#i do not. and i am struggling to make myself buy groceries bc i am scared shitless seeing my bank account keep ticking down#i will be starting the application process for welfare at the end of this month though (had to wait for some stuff to process properly)#so ... hopefully i can get onto that and then move onto applying for disability. stupid fucking shitty system!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide mention
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i just woke up and realized my art did developed holy crap
#girl what drawing tf2 does to a mf fr#since i have been drawing tf2 my artstyle just developed better and now i finally have found an original artstyle compared to the ones#i had back in the beginning of 2023#IF ONLY I WASNT SO LAZY and so distracted holy shit i could make it more better like studying backgrounds ugh#and keep practicing my coloring girl i have been drawing a lot but not coloring i need to start painting before i forgot it#but oh my god i swear it developed bc i am drawing a little more fast than before and my lineart is more bold than before#guys fucking practice with tf2 characters and ALSO dorohedoro that is also my main inspo too#i feel like also w dorohedoro i developed my style but back then i was still more shaky than bold#but now i can happily say i am no more embarrassed in my artstyle of how i draw characters like i used to be before#i was always so goddamn negative for no reason with myself but i guess the negativity helped me develop my artstyle#but gave me artblock sadly… and often issues w self esteem but aaaa idk i think i’m doing much better i can do better yes just…#need to draw more and that is the actual nightmare huh
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I still don't know what to make of the fact that when I try to imagine my life with a baby the easiest images to come up with are the ones where someone else takes care of it instead of me
#Matt has a life#Shit from home#Otoh it IS 2am which is peak anxiety hours#I'm usually more serene about things in the daylight and with more sleep in me#but also on the other other hand I think I need to sit with that feeling longer#bc I'd feel embarrassed if after talking about it for so long I decided not to have baby#but I'd rather that than having one and regretting it#EDIT: AND ON YET ANOTHER HAND#I am only familiar with babysitting kids#more often than not in environments that were not prepared to accommodate them (ie. I didn't have enough to keep my goddaughter entertained)#or didn't have a proper bed for her to sleep in etc#I don't know what it's like to have your own baby at home with ues a lot more of the time filling to do#but also all their stuff and thr comfort of familiarity and knowing what they need and that you can work with that#so that element of uncertainty is not helping#Edit: I don't think picturing a baby sleeping next to me in a bed is supposed to make me feel what i feel right now#... so. idk. let's see how it feels tomorrow after some sleep?
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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#i’ve been doing rly good lately. in a way that i didn’t know was possible#i’m sm more reasonably productive these days#like i have a relatively stable routine now and my memory is better than it’s been in years#i’ve even been finding myself remembering things without having to check my to-do list. it’s almost irrelevant atp#compared to the January Horrors when i considered getting checked for a concussion bc of how hazy and broken my brain felt#and i’m consistently paying my bills and i’m driving more often now#idk i don’t even feel great or super happy these days i just feel. content#and obviously i still need therapy for all that shit that happened earlier this year#bc i still can’t believe that happened and then immediately my therapist had to end things with me 💀#but idk. it doesn’t feel all that urgent anymore#nothing feels URGENT it all just feels reasonably doable#oh! and my friend is flying over to see me in a couple days so even more good news :DDD#i think the lesson here for me is that i need to give myself more credit if for no other reason than survival#danbles
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#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"
#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like....#And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others#deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of#my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is#just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the#Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult#Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing#and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do#and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions#on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc#Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always#explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's....#Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like#And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be#Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly#That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND.#Anyway again this is years away but#I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey#ramblings //#Diary //
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don't know how to describe it without metaphors. audhd feels like I have 10 strings hooked into my body pulling me in opposite directions and leaning towards one string to try and "fix" that problem (cooking, cleaning, classwork, etc) just makes the other strings pull tighter and hurt more. this point of this whole post is to explain that when I see someone older than me who also struggles with exactly the same things to the same extent that I do, it makes a couple of those strings loosen and stop pulling. not forever, because they always start pulling again, but having the expectation lifted of needing to have a "normal functioning life" by age whatever is so nice. everything still hurts but for now at least that part of my brain can rest.
#i understand how the reverse can seem too#but idk. its always been such a weight off my shoulders#probably in part for selfish reasons but it helps me like. slow down#like i cannot solve all of my problems tonight. i probably can't even solve them in the next 20 years#so i can slow down. other people are alive like this. other people make their lives work like this. i can do it too#i need to be medicated so fucking badly but i can't until im off my parents health insurance#and even then im so scared it'll make my autism symptoms harder for me to deal with and ill like. lose my job or something#but i can't fucking live like this so idk what to do! lmao!#ive been trying to pay closer attention to my anxiety and stress lately so i can pinpoint causes and like. try to stop them#but all ive learned is that i am never Not stressed.#if my room is cleaned im not eating well. if im exercising well im not cleaning well.#if im on top of classwork im not taking care of myself at all. etc etc#it is always a push and pull. i can't just solve these problems#because i have to clean well and eat well and exercise often and sleep well and cook often and socialize often and work hard and save money#and and and#im always not doing something to make room for something else and bc of that i will ALWAYS have those strings pulling me so tightly it hurts#i know in my head how i can loosen the strings but that all comes at the expense of living like a ''normal'' person#i will have a dirty house. i will have lots of canned and frozen foods. i will leave my house for work only.#im so tired my bones hurt. my strings are tight again and classes are starting again soon and my room is a mess and i ate like shit today#and i havent excersized in a while and im not showering as often as i should and im drinking too much and im sleeping too much#im so tired#vent#sorry#i feel like i need to curl up and die. like my body is sending some signal that there isn't much more i can fucking take#and that this continuous pushing and struggling and picking up the pieces is worthless#i feel like that blood robot. im old and rusted and slowing down and i have achieved nothing#i will die having not achieved anything and i will be struggling until my very last second#i shouldn't have been the twin that survived. they would have been so much better than this
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