#but i have to wait bc the health system is broken
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hi yeah lmao, im âđ and im not whatever random ass person you accused me of being đđ???? nice try lmao
also you know that. trans people. can be transphobic right. just like how disabled people can be ableist.
but im not gonna be responding to anymore of ur dumbass shit sophie, the majority of what youve done is spout some transphobic shit and told me the history i alr know because i am trnas and lived through it!! crazy. hope you have fun harming random ass people on the internet!!! cant wait until youre left empty inside and broken bc of constantly harrassing people and constantly giving out hate where its not justified <3
-âđ
Wait! Who did I accuse you of being?
Do you think this post commenting on a timing coincidence was meant to imply that you were the anti-endo who posted about the word "sysmed" at the exact same time as me? đ€Ł
also you know that. trans people. can be transphobic right. just like how disabled people can be ableist.
Of course. Transmeds themselves being an example of that. And system medicalism is similarly rooted in ableism and sanism. Especially when it comes to mixed origin systems, who sysmeds will straight-up deny a right to religious beliefs based on their disability.
My issue with this isn't that "trans people can't be transphobic."
It's that trans people can't be transphobic for comparing the pain they've suffered from transmeds to what they've suffered from sysmeds.
And also that transgender people can't "STEAL" their own terms.
Accusing trans people of stealing their own terms is implying that they're an outgroup that is coming in to steal the words. Frankly, it's trans erasure. You have to actually erase their transness to make this argument work. Which, IMO, is actually transphobic of you.
Once we get past the absurdity of "trans people are transphobic for stealing trans terms" the only thing your argument is left with is... what? "Transphobic people are transphobic for comparing transness to a mental disorder?"
But this point, you know, is a lie. If you've spent any bit of time in syscourse, you should know that the pro-endo position, along with the position of every psychiatrist and psychologist who has weighed in on the debate, is that you don't need a disorder to be plural.
See again, Eric Yarbrough's Transgender Mental Health, which was reviewed and published by the American Psychiatric Association.
So the whole "this is transphobic for comparing being transgender to a mental disorder" point is null. Being plural and being a system are not inherently mental disorders.
But I'm sure you're going to make some excuse about why this book, published by the American Psychiatric Association, is totally not valid. You know, just like how transmeds have historically dismissed all the doctors and research saying that you didn't need dysphoria to be trans.
Are you going to try to call me transphobic again for pointing out how your arguments and tactics are exactly like those of transmeds?
constantly harrassing people
This is beside the point, but I feel like this would be a bit more effective had sysmeds not watered down "harassment" to the point of being meaningless.
Like, I just saw a post from a sysmed who was asked why they were putting "doctors" in scare quotes to imply the authors of articles cited by pro-endos aren't real doctors, and the sysmed accused the anon of harassment just for asking the question.
Like to me, harassment means namecalling. Threats of violence. Bullying. Fakeclaiming. Personal attacks.
But it seems to most sysmeds, harassment means questioning them. It means having a different opinion and stating it where they can hear. It means linking sources or saying that they're wrong.
I've seen sysmeds, always desperate to play the part of the victim, complain about being asked "loaded questions" (the question was what punk values meant to them) and beg for death threats in the same post.
It's just so hard anymore to take sysmeds complaining about harassment seriously when it's clear they're just calling everything harassment so they can win victim points.
#syscourse#pro endogenic#pro endo#systempunk#syspunk#system punk#sys#punk#sysblr#multiplicity#systems#lgbtq#system#transmeds#queer#transphobes#lgbt#actually plural#actually a system
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OKOK @indigoartistqueen i'll ramble and elaborate err i'm keepin it here cause this rlly isn't smthing i want on slaingelo especially bc i get a bit mad in this oops
CAMERAS LIKE THAT ARE USELESS. ALSO THEY MAKE SHIT WORSE IF YOU ARE PARANOID. having them inside your house is unnecessary unless you're convinced someone's living in your house without you knowing. otherwise it does nothing but take up electricity or batteries and money ect ect whatever. If you unnecessarily install cameras you're going to be checking them constantly. and also within the context of just "waah my big strong man is out for a week i'm so scareed i'm going to put cameras inside my house" WHAT IS THAT GOING TO DOOOOOOOOOOO SOMEONE HAS TO /ALREADY BE BROKEN IN TO YOUR HOUSE/ FOR THAT TO BE "USEFUL" AT ALL AND BY THAT POINT IT'S NOT SECURITY WHATTTTTT
like other people said in that post, security like that makes it impossible to get out of your house fast/give first responders a hard time getting in. I have a bar in my window. it's removable from the inside very easily and all it serves to do is keep the window from opening more than a few inches. this mf would install damn prison bars if her husband had to go away for a month.
IF YOU'RE THAT PARANOID ABOUT LOCKS GET A FUCKING DEADBOLT AND/OR CHAINLOCK OH MY GOD. first responders are more likely to know how to get around those than "mobile locks" what the fuck is a mobile lock. OH WAIT !! SHE ALREADY HAS A DEADBOLT AND SHE'S DOUBLING UP WITH THE MOBILE LOCK. HUH ???????????????????????????????????
YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU ARE HOME.... when I'm home alone I actively try to make it look like someone's always awake. do I go over the top locking every door and window in the house and leave the curtains facing the backyard closed and did I once move furniture to block my bedroom door in order to sleep ? yeah sure but I'M MENTALLY ILL. WHAT I'M SCARED OF ISN'T EVEN PEOPLE BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE FFS IT'S MONSTERS THAT AREN'T REAL BUT MY DELUSIONAL BRAIN CONVINCES ME IT IS REAL TO THE POINT OF INSOMNIA IN PARTICULARLY BAD EPISODES. I AM NOT THE AVERAGE WHITE AMERICAN WOMAN FOR I AM NOT EVEN ANY OF THOSE THINGS
literally the only way I can see someone going this far for security in a way that ISN'T just "this is an ad" and/or "i am trying to brew fascism" is if someone fell into the delusion of being gangstalked, and in which case, they probably aren't posting their entire security system online because they'd be convinced their stalkers are watching their every move online and offline lol... it sure as hell wouldn't be framed like this either. also if it was the case she'd still be scared while her husband was home. it wouldn't magically appear when he's done, it would be constant.
doing shit like this isn't normal nor healthy, it's either a sign of going severe into the alt right pipeline and/or severe mental health issues that are going unchecked bc those are absolutely not mutually exclusive.
even the "keeping a flashlight nearby" thing is stupid in the sense that I DO THAT. BECAUSE WE FREQUENTLY GET POWER OUTAGES HERE ???????????????? what's it going to do if there is an intruder are you going to shine it in their fuckin face. what, can't see them thru your aesthetic lighting ?? what's the fuckin whistle going to do ... you've isolated yourself your home alone it's a WHISTLE. at the veyr least get a fucking weapon, HUH ?????????????
honestly I don't even know how coherent any of this is, it pisses me off a lot. I've done a lot of shit to try and feel "safe" and frankly it feels insulting especially given my minor agoraphobia too [ can't leave the house alone, i always need a friend or family w/ me ] especially the weird way this shit is made aesthetic. AGAIN. LIKE THE FUCKIN PURPLE LIGHTING IN THE VIDEO. AND ALSO THE SLEEK TECH.
the aesthetic-ification of that video is probably what REALLY gets me mad about it though.. like it really just makes it feel like an ad playing both on white peoples fears and mentally ill people.
blah blah my experiences aren't universal and my delusional paranoia isn't "that bad" compared to other ppls. whatever. i don't like it either way
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Things at my work, a gas station, thatâs been tearing my mental health apart recently and is probably part of why Iâm acting this way:
Zero follow up after my injury
I never get my schedules on time
Contractually have to work for free after my shift to close
Met with nothing but defensiveness and antagonism whenever I try to make things better
Everything is broken all the time & nothing ever gets fixed despite countless complaints from customers
Weâre always running out of things & I have to take a million complaints for it
I found mouldy food in the cooler
I found mould in a box Iâve served pepperonis from
Everything is a fucking mess, I never know where anything is â when I need to run and fetch something from the freezer I have to search for it bc things are never in the same place
Cross contamination everywhere
Actual hazards that doesnât get fixed (loose cash machine which almost toppled on a kid, huge garage door in the washing hall that is very unstable)
Manager shows up drunk to work sometimes apparently?
Met with passive aggressive comments every time I make a little slip up instead of just fuckin telling me straight
Barely any fuckin employees, next month weâre down to me, one more, and the manager?
Manager isnât actually the manager just some kid who is overworked and probably taking advantage of. The real manager is the owner who never shows his face here
Almost always solo shifts due to lack of employees; which is really fun when ur the only place open on a hot summer Sunday
Absolute minimum wage
So many promises and not a single one fulfilled
Exhausting myself several days a week to bring home barely any money at all
Unable to take proper pauses bc customers may come in at any moment
Told to do dangerous things
No safety concerns, no plans for anything, no teaching me how to solve dangerous problems so I have to CALL if something happens
One of the toilets didnât have a door handle and a lock since way before I started work, I brought up the idea of a hook while we waited for the owner to fix it, got shut down immediately â last week, several months later, I found a set in the employeeâs changing room (which btw is full of paint buckets and trash) and took the matter into my own hands, fixed the door in a few hours & all the response I got was âoh okayâ
I tidied the entire fuckin dry storage room in a hope that it would maybe be the start of some system in there but now itâs just as bad w shit all over the floor
Thereâs mould down there too btw
I genuinely fear Iâll serve a customer bad food and poison them every time I make them something that I didnât personally take out of the freezer
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Michael is hilarious if he thinks I would EVER choose him over any of my boys lmao like ngl might have to test driveđ but just to know how much I donât need himđ however I am not above being a menace and I will lay All over him to get the brother jealous. Heâs like younger brother by 5 seconds to Lucifer so my HC for him is that heâs very petty but will seem nice on the outside like imagine Lucifer energy but diavolo vibes. Like he seems like a strict Headass but heâs so anti Lucifer league energy on the inside đ like he can so clearly tell whatâs going on. He def wonât stop me from getting too close to his face under the guise of âoh wow you have really pretty eyes!â Or âwow you have really nice handsâ or my wandering hands trying to feel him up (god dresses those angels up like sluts itâs not MY FAULTđĄ). Doing that anime thing where itâs like oh Iâm giving you a hug but his face is in my chest AGSHDHD. He enjoys watching the brothers trying to set him on fire with their minds and also itâs been a while since heâs had a humanđ ik when Lilith was down there other angels had to be too lmao Michael is like a worse version of Lucifer but heâs the boss now so he has to pretend to be a saint. Has some brat tamer in him with a voyeurism streak with a sprinkle of exhibitionistđ„° so he will ruin you in his cute little corner of heaven that the brothers know where he would be hiding. DEFINITELY wants Lucifer to hear you beg for his cock, definitely the âyounger sibling didnât get enough attentionâ energy. Probably has some freaky angel power where he knows whatâs on your heart or something so heâs gunna secretly fulfill your every desire so your brain is absolutely broken by the end of it. Little less control than Lucifer and thatâs saying a lot since you just have to give Lucifer the eyes and heâs hard asf alreadyđ so Michael is on the brink of having his cum gushing out of you by you screaming his name for more. Gets off on you begging for him to ruin you and eyes rolling to the back of your head. Accidentally forget humans have sensory systems for a REASON and will fuck up tour body for like 14 hours like Lucifer will make it hard to walk for a week Michael will have you shuddering like a ghost is touching your shoulder bc when you walk your body is reminded of being overstimulated for so longđ mans wants to absolutely rewrite your body chemistry and honestly,,, I would let himđ€ bc when I go home w my demons and angels theyâre going ti nurse me back to heath but be pissed the whole time; however they need you to be at full max health to absolutely destroy you permanentlyđđ maybe even diavolo will rip apart reality to make some kind of Bruno zipper universe where time isnât real so ti feels like theyâve been fucking you for a full year but in the devil some itâs been 4 hoursđ and barbatos will also pull a giorno and reset your body until your begging to be free and unfortunately apologizing doesnât help in the slightest đ theyâre going to fuck you until you pass out and wake you up by fucking you again
Michael is a damn fool! He couldn't PAY me to pick his old ass over Luci or any of the other demons smhhh
also, isn't it canon that he acts 'childishly' like.... i could see how that is endearing i suppose! and if it were to make luci jealous then I would def toy w him!! #anythingforlucifer!! so you're so right LMAO fine i see the appeal, you got me!
i cant imagine how he would be in bed because like he's an angel-a high up one!!, i feel like he would be a PRUDE BUT then again when I think about my love simeon... HES NOT VANILLA so like what is the truth?! eek but the thought of doing shit up there in heaven teehee where all the other angels are... wait a min- maybe i was too harsh on michael!!!
it's just so hard to think straight with Luci possessing my every thought! sigh
i feel like biggest threat in the game literally is getting dicked down by the other characters... like we dont have to worry about getting taken out by another random demon but we DO have to worry about barbatos and his endurance!!!
... is- michael going to be in the new game?? is- is he?!
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Earlier today I saw a video of a politician arguing that this country cannot legalise abortion on a whim without talking about it first. By talking about it he likely meant debating it to death until everyone agrees with him, because there was a panel of experts who gave the government a report - a report from experts giving a clear indication that it would be a benefit to legalise it.
And now I'm sitting here, alone in my room, crying my eyes out for a multitude of reasons, and once again, I realise how much I hate being alive. How much I wish my mother had aborted me because it would have been the easiest option for everyone. If nobody had met me, nobody would miss me, because they wouldn't even know there was supposed to be a me to miss.
When looking at my family, I see a bunch of people who should have gotten therapy starting at least fifty years ago. It's a small wonder I'm as fucked up as i am in the head. No wonder at all, actually. The difference between me and them is that I'm aware of it, and I can't fix it bc our mental health system is just as broken as I am and I don't value myself enough to enter a year long wait list because a rather big part of me always hopes that I will have somehow died before the year is out.
But yeah, sure, let's hold off on legalising abortions and bettering our health care system so there will be even more people like me. People who want to end it all but can't because it would hurt the people they care about, so they hang on by a threat, suffering and hoping that some higher power will put them out of their misery soon.
They claim to be Pro Life, but they are just sadists who love to see people suffer while they eat popcorn watching from their cosy fucking homes.
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ur cool to chat with!
I was thinking its such a recent issue among general internet spaces, I mean on one hand theres people fully deluded thatll maybe overdefend but on another hand theres people waiting for an idols downfall at the same exact time. I do think for instance yoongis dui was obvi a legit crime but ppl now using it to degrade all the things he has done for bts / kpop in general and asking him to leave the group despite being their main producer, then theres ppl that really do seem to only focus on either major flaws of idols like ones who overperform or underperform, what weight an idol is or isnt (changbin lately seems the main culprit as well as jeongyeon of twice) its like they cant win these days. I do blame beauty standards as well cause so much is abt the look of an idol than what they bring and it makes them seem like robots really.
visuals is a useless position for anyone in a kpop group cause it says ehh they aint got a particular talent or part in their group lets just say theyre the face of it then? like its so old fashioned / stuck up. I dont know if its only kpop but in general pop groups are treated like dolls or an object. I do think idols dont mind people doing readings on them cause its like an outlet away from those that are hard core stans but i dont think it has to always be abt whats on the outside of a person or who their fs could be.
I also think an aspect is that either its less about actually enjoying what idols do and release and more about who can be the next target of a witch hunt. its just got so childish over recent years and I try to separate the groups I love from the broken af system theyre in but to no avail its like another week another excessive piece of non issue drama is generated.
I always think balance is the key to a lot of things in life, and that includes being a fan of someone. people need to realise that idols can make mistakes, but thats all it is, a mistake. they don't need to tear his whole career down because he made one mistake. I also kind of hate how the kpop industry puts way too much pressure on visuals, and how it can sometimes seem to be more important than the work that they do. I do think they have a lot to learn from western culture in that regard with the entertainment industry.
I honestly try and distance myself away from as much kpop drama as possible. In 2020 I became a fan of nct as I really liked yuta, and I had a yuta twitter account with about 4k followers. almost every day there was always something new in the way of drama and it would usually be within the nct fandom, which I found was the most weird thing about it. everyone had a solo stan account (before I was a multi carat account, and I still love svt) so it was weird to see people having an account for only one person in the group. some fans of the other members would turn on other members of the group and say '___ doesn't deserve to be in nct' and I was like ???? they're in the same group and you're just hating on that member because they're not your favourite? it was just wild to me. I got so overwhelmed with how much drama there was and got such bad anxiety I had to close my account. I now just have a personal and follow a few kpop accounts that post mainly photos etc. I feel like a lot of people need to maybe do the same, bc my mental health really suffered that year
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sorry Im like exclusively whining here but also not sorry bc I genuinely feel like death most of the time and my friends i would talk to have enough problems rn they dont need to worry about me.
but like genuinely sick of hurting and there being seemingly no solution even short term?
like I have trouble sitting in my chair to play games, i cant get my legs in a comfortable position, like i can put them up but i need something i can like curl my legs in too tho because just having them up hurts my hips after a while, keeping them on the floor hurts my heel
i can only knit with 11 and up needles bc my hands hurt too much and after 2 days my shoulders hurt from knitting.
yesterday I carried some chips and a package of socks across walmart in one arm and my whole arm felt like I'd pushed my limits working out.
my ass, core, and legs feel like Ive done an intense strength work out if I stand up or sit properly too long
my ovary hurts 90% of the time now and I'm essentially in PMS symptom mode almost permanently.
my mouth now goes numb periodically sometimes just one lip, sometime lips and teeth, sometimes lips tertch and the tip of my tongue
And like is it worth making an appointment about, i think its all connected to my heel (I've been consciously keeping my weight on the balls of my feet which i think contributes to the muscle pain) and he seems to just be giving up on my cyst/endo until i get an MRI which ive been waiting for for more than 2 years.
like I dont know what i can say? at this point? like I have said i get my period every 2-3 weeks, i loose 3oz of blood a day for the first 2-3 days, the pain is equivalent to giving birth. I could add that i cant wear a cup anymore bc the cramp have progressed from breaking the seal to literally pushing the cup out, like i probably dont need to point out that i wear post natal pads now right?
I've been sick with this since may 2018, I noticed it on the way home from AN, I for sure have anemia as a result of this and I'm starting to suspect a b12 deficiency. and like right now we just do a pap and blood tests yearly lmao. I can't take hormonal birth control and Im under the impression I need a referral for an OB/GYN
I'm losing weight and i suspect that's less the being a bit healthier with my eating I was hoping and is more, your sick dummy, and any time someone mentions it i can feel myself bristle
#I'm so sick of being sick#with things that HAVE SOLUTIONS#but i have to wait bc the health system is broken#lol
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Guess who finally has health insurance again!!!!
#and i even have dental!#cant wait to see literally four different doctors to hopefully fix my broken body#fucked up how genuinely excited i am to finally be able to go see a dr again#like ive had cavities for literal years that i haven't gotten filled bc i lost my dental insurance#definitely tmi but ive been periodically shitting blood for probably two years at this point#i haven't gone to an obgyn since i was 19 and have never gotten a pap smear#since the pandemic started ive spent pretty much the week before my period wanting to either cut myself or kill myself#but thankfully that's stopped for the most part and i didn't do either so that's good#also living through a global fucking pandemic as a high risk person with no health insurance is fucking terrifying#i've spent the last year and a half physically and mentally falling apart and I'm finally able to begin fixing myself#oh and i have either carpal or cubital tunnel or something else that's causing nerve pain in arms wrists and hands#so add a fifth dr to the list#i fucking hate this country and a horrifically broken health system#i only have healthcare because my college is requiring it and i was lucky enough to get a decent amount of loans and grants to pay for it#anyway shout out to my dad for dropping insurance on me during a global pandemic bc the gov no longer required him to do the bare minimum đ#at least now i can pay for the therapy to undo all of the trauma he gave me#although tbh i am not looking forward to see how much this shit is gonna cost even with insurance#thanks america đ#personal
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From Eroica With Love incorrect quotes đđ
(just Dorian, James and Klaus because tbh I get everyone else mixed up way too much to do this with them)
Adding a read more bar right off the bat bc this is gonna be looooong.
James, texting:Â Answer your phone Dorian, texting back:Â Wait a minute, I canât find my phone James:Â Understood James, 5 minutes later:Â Youâre a terrible person. You know youâre killing me. Youâre killing me, Dorian.
Dorian:Â *texting* Hey can you pick me up Iâm drunk. Dorian:Â Oh you don't have to anymore. I'm home now. James:Â Yes, I'm aware of that after dropping you off at home.
Klaus:Â Iâve never been in a snowball fight before. I donât know the rules. Dorian:Â What? Klaus:Â Is there a point system, or is it to the death?
Dorian:Â I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why. James:Â Only if you also don't ask why. James:Â *pulls four pristine human skulls out of his bag* Dorian:Â ... Dorian, grabbing a skull:Â This one will do.
James:Â You fuckers donât know about my knife stick. Itâs a knife taped to a stick and itâs the ultimate weapon. Dorian:Â Spear. James:Â BLOCKED.
James:Â How much did you spend on this date? Dorian:Â $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.
Dorian:Â I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.
Dorian:Â I have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking.
Klaus:Â Dorian, we tried things your way. Dorian:Â No, we didn't. Klaus:Â I did it in my head and it didn't work.
Klaus:Â The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.
James:Â You use emojiâs like a straight person. Dorian:Â Thatâs literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.
Police Officer:Â You have the right to remain silent. James:Â I choose to waive that right! James:Â *screaming*
Dorian:Â Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. Klaus:Â I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out. Dorian:Â Th-that's not how that works-
James:Â Do you know a turtles only weakness? Dorian:Â No... well, their slowness. James:Â Their weakness is they can't roll over when they are on their backs. James:Â Now I have a plan. James:Â If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.
Dorian:Â I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism. James:Â And you came to me?
James:Â How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you? Dorian:Â James, it's four o'clock in the morning. James:Â So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?
Dorian:Â Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this. Klaus: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!
Dorian, hungover:Â Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks. James:Â I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.
James:Â I can't imagine what Dorian is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.
Dorian:Â Are you mad? Klaus:Â No. Dorian:Â So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?
Dorian:Â The time to act is now. Dorian:Â Wink, wink. James:Â Don't say "wink wink". Just wink. Dorian:Â Oh, sorry. Dorian:Â Wink.
James:Â Look, Iâm glad everyoneâs on the same page. James:Â But itâs the last page in a book titled âweâre all going to dieâ. Dorian:Â Thatâs not even clever.
Dorian:Â Do you want to play 20 Questions? James:Â Sure! James:Â Whatâs your favorite color? Dorian, laser fucking focused:Â Triangle. Do you like men?
Klaus:Â Dorian... Dorian:Â Oh no, 'Dorian' in B flat. Dorian:Â You're disappointed.
Dorian:Â When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it. James:Â You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.
James:Â I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Dorian. James:Â Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for. James:Â But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it. Dorian:Â Hmm... I don't know what you were supposed to get revenge for, either. James:Â I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though. Dorian:Â Well, whatever I did, I guess I deserved it. James:Â Let that possibly be a lesson to you.
Dorian:Â Relationships should be 50/50. James cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.
Dorian:Â I think I just figured something out. I got to go. Klaus:Â Aren't you forgetting something? Dorian:Â Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Klaus's forehead before running out.* Klaus:Â No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?
James:Â You read my diary? Dorian:Â At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
James, looking at a selfie of Dorianâs:Â I hate this photo. Dorian:Â Iâm cute as fuck in that photo! Iâm smiling kindly. James:Â Youâre not smiling kindly; you look like youâre up to something. Dorian:Â Up to kindness.
Klaus:Â Iâm genuinely surprised you havenât gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet. Dorian:Â Nat 20 Charisma. Klaus:Â That is NOT how that works-
Dorian:Â We have fun, donât we, James? James:Â I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.
Dorian:Â James! Have you no dignity? James:Â Of course not! How long have we known each other?
Klaus, to the Alphabets:Â And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because youâre doing it all wrong.
Dorian:Â If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it. Dorian:Â If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.
Dorian:Â Letâs watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl. Klaus:Â Okay. Dorian:Â And make out during the scary parts. Klaus:Â Th- Klaus:Â The scary parts. Klaus:Â Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
James:Â I want to kiss you. Dorian, not paying attention:Â What? James:Â I said if you die, I wont miss you.
James:Â Did you like the food I made? Dorian:Â No, not really. James:Â But I put my heart and soul into it! Dorian:Â No wonder it tastes so cold and dead.
Dorian:Â I made tea. Klaus:Â I don't want tea. Dorian:Â I didn't make you tea. This is my tea. Klaus:Â Then why did you tell me? Dorian:Â It's a conversation starter. Klaus:Â It's a horrible conversation starter. Dorian:Â Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
Dorian:Â Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all? James:Â I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
Klaus:Â What doesn't kill me better start running, because now I'm fucking pissed.
Dorian:Â To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.
James:Â I'm a nice person, but I'm about to start throwing rocks at people.
Klaus:Â All of your existences are confusing. The Alphabets:Â How so? Klaus:Â Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.
Klaus:Â I could kill you if I wanted. Dorian:Â Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.
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Psychiatric Hospitalization 101
So youâre about to save your own life by going to the hospital- hereâs what you need to know:
~disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional nor have I worked in a hospital. I am simply someone who has been hospitalized multiple times. This is about acute, short-term psych hospitalization. My word is not law~
The Truth
First off, let me tell you the truth. The truth is that being hospitalized is one of the bravest things you can do. You have chosen (or perhaps you havenât) to save your own life. Not to beat the physical vs mental illness comparison to death, but conceptually this is like going to the hospital with a broken leg to get a cast. Youâre treating an acute wound, going to get a tune up, going to a safe place to heal. Unfortunately there is a stigma involved. Itâs been decreasing recently and I think youâll find psych hospitalization is a lot more common than you imagine. But it still exists. You can be proud of taking this step. It will be hard, but youâve made the right choice.
When to consider hospitalization
Being suicidal is one of the most common reasons for hospitalization. Psychosis, panic attacks, and substance abuse are others. The main factor for choosing to hospitalize is whether you think you can survive the episode youâre having. If youâre even questioning it, hospitalization is probably a good idea. If youâre choosing between your life and the hospital, the hospital is always the right answer even if it doesnât seem that way at the time.
The process
There are two ways to be hospitalized: through the ER and straight to the unit. The ER is the most common way. Occasionally your therapist or psychiatrist or other healthcare provider will be able to bypass the ER for you and get you straight into a bed on a unit. If you have this opportunity, definitely take it. Â
If you go the ER route, you arrive and explain why youâre there. Youâll then be taken back into a room- sometimes a private room, sometimes a communal psych room. Sometimes your phone will be taken. A guard will be stationed near you to ensure you do not hurt yourself or try to run away. You may wait for hours. Youâll see a psychiatrist who will determine whether to commit you to the psych unit or send you home. If they decide to commit you, youâll be wheeled to the unit.
For me, the worst part of the process is the ER. Youâre often helped by healthcare professionals who are judgmental of mental illness or are too busy to enact kindness. It can be a very dehumanizing experience. You may regret coming to the hospital, but you did the right thing. Saving your life is always the right thing. Itâs okay to regret it for a bit as long as you follow through.
What to pack
Your belongings will be confiscated upon your arrival but if you have a chance to pack or if you have someone to bring you stuff, consider these:
A warm comfy outfit like sweats (but without a string at the waist!!!!!! take it out or they wonât let you have them!), SOCKS, pjs. Loungewear basically. The hospital provides basic toiletries, socks, and gowns/scrubs/paper pants. They can provide underwear and pads as necessary. Pack a hair brush if youâve got tangly hair bc whatever they give you will NOT suffice.
You may want to bring your medications just in case the hospital doesnât have them in their pharmacy but you will not have access to them, all your meds will come from the hospital itself.
Books! Some hospitals have a small library but you can bring your own if theyâre deemed appropriate by the staff. They provide stuff like coloring pages, puzzles, games, etc but it can get p boring.
BRING A WRITTEN LIST OF IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS. YOUR PHONE WILL BE TAKEN.
You will have to ask to have items you arrived with brought to you from your belongings bag. Occasionally they will be reluctant, but you can self-advocate your way through it.Â
On the unit
If you came to the hospital in the evening you may get little sleep that first night. You have to do the intake where they ask you all the questions and you sign a bunch of forms. You must be up for breakfast the next day. That first day you wonât get to choose your own meals but you will fill out a meal card for the next day.Â
Most of your day will consist of shuffling between different mental health groups. Mental Health Professionals (often social work masters students) run groups on addiction, coping skills, community resources, gratitude etc etc in addition to your stereotypical group therapy. There are 3 meals a day, snacks available, and lots of downtime. Thereâs also activity hour where you do crafts or play games. During activity hour in my last hospitalization I painted a cackling coffin (it was October). 10/10.Â
You will have a roommate. My experience is that you both mind your own business while being kind and itâs generally okay.Â
They will take your blood pressure and vitals at least once a day. Itâs annoying but necessary. They may do labs and draw your blood depending on your circumstances. If you have a physical illness as well, it may be a battle to make sure you are seen and treated for that too. All I can say is be your best advocate.Â
You will not have your cell phone. This will be stressful at first but hopefully nice after a bit. You can call whomever you want using the hospital phones that are on during downtime. You may have to ask the staff to dial if itâs out of the hospital area code. People can also call you if they know where you are. Do what you need to do but also donât be the Phone Hogger bc we all want to use it too.Â
Visitors are allowed during certain hours. Itâs not like a regular hospital visiting situation where they can just sit by your bed for hours. Itâs like once a day for an hour you can get a visitor, no more than two at a time or whatever the rules are. No one can visit or call you without your permission. Visits by loved ones are so so nice and make you feel human again. I would encourage finding someone you trust who can visit you. It can make a world of difference.Â
"How can I get out faster?â
This is a hack question tbh. I know everything sucks but you are there to heal first and foremost. Generally they release you when the psychiatrist thinks youâre ready to go. The average stay for something like an acute suicidal episode is 3-5 days. Thatâs enough time in the drâs eyes for you to stabilize and receive any medication changes. If you are on the unit voluntarily, you can technically leave at any time. Iâm not sure Iâve seen anyone insist on it though. Ask your doctors when they are considering releasing you so you can plan. They may change their answer so casually check in now and then.
Go to groups and participate in them. If you're hiding in your room all day the nurses will notice and they do write that down. There may be many people on the unit, but the nurses are keeping track and taking roll. If you can, be open, honest and compliant with your treatment team. Now thereâs a part of me that goes âFuck The System!!!! Fuck being compliant! I am my own woman and my illness is Me and not something to be stigmatized or hidden. Take me to Bitch Planet, bitch!!!â This is totally valid. You just have to decide what is more important to you- being noncompliant in the face of a judgmental system or getting back to the world. As much I want to rebel, my perfectionism and people pleasing tend to kick in by the second day on the unit.Â
The aftermath &Â âwhat do I tell people?â
When you are being prepped for release, you must have appointments with your outpatient treatment team set up. If you donât already, the hospital will schedule them for you. If thereâs someone who can pick you up, utilize that. Otherwise they may set you up with a cab or something depending on the location. You will be given the bag containing your phone and other belongings upon release.Â
It is up to you to decide what to tell people about your stay on the unit. You can be honest with whomever you choose, but you donât have to be. You can say you were out of town or had a family emergency or whatever you want. It is not your responsibility to break the stigma. If you can and want to, go for it! We will all appreciate it. But you donât have to advocate if you donât feel comfortable. I tell many of my friends and family the full truth and then tell others that I was âin the hospital.â If they ask questions I say I donât want to talk about it. This works better than you might think. (It surprised me how respectful people are when you say you donât want to talk about something.) Most people won't even ask, tbh.Â
It's not all garbage
Itâs not all drugged up zombies and Dissociation Time: my last experience was pretty lit. We had morning âstretchesâ to â80s bops. We played Wii bowling. We discussed aliens and conspiracy theories. Â In a place with such a heavy stigma on it, it was a surprisingly Shame-Free environment. It was comforting to be in a place where everyone Got It. At night we would get our meds and then drift off to bed one by one as the meds hit to goodnights of âope, the Seroquelâs kicking in.â The variety of people on the unit proves that mental illness affects everyone, from the college student to the 75-year-old retired man to the soccer mom with 3 kids. And they each have different ways of coping, different perspectives on their situation. These other perspectives can be inspiring, even helpful and you may pick up as many tips from your peers as the actual professionals. Respect your peers, donât be that person whoâs like âwhy am I, Normal Person, locked up with all these Crazy People?â If youâre in there, youâre all in the same boat. Crazy is a slur and no one there is crazy unless they choose to reclaim the term.
The staff can be quite kind as well. I once had a nurse go down to the gift shop to get me a tiny hair brush for my waist-length tangled hair. He didnât have to put in that effort but he did. This past time I had an MHP sit with me after a session and develop personalized affirmations that she wrote in my journal with her gorgeous, swooping handwriting. Itâs small things like these that end up mattering most in an environment that can feel harsh. There can be great kindness there, under all the rules and regulations, you just have to be open to it.
Iâve made a wide range of friends in hospitals. Ones Iâd never have even encountered in real life. Even though we havenât kept in touch, I think of them often. My roommate with terminal kidney failure who got ECT twice a week but took the time to ask how I was. A recent immigrant from Nepal who didnât speak any English but with whom I communicated anyway. Sandy, my homeless roommate who gave me all of her toiletries instead of taking them with her. Trevor, a young heroin addict who guarded my chocolate cake when I had a phone call. Curtis, a retired professor deep in psychosis whom we taught to Wii bowl. There are so many different lives that tangle with each other on the unit. In this way I consider it a gift, to have a window into all these different worlds that are connected by this one string. Iâll never see these people again, but Iâll never forget them either. I hope theyâre all still out there, getting by.
Getting hospitalized can be one of the scariest and hardest experiences but it is also one of the bravest. You saved your own life. Even if you didnât bring yourself in, your participation saved it. It is a chance to reorient yourself to life, to recovery. It is a second, a third, a 15th chance. Itâs like a terrible mini vacation. Responsibilities are lifted so you can focus on yourself. Utilize it if you can.
Again, my word is not law, it is based on my own experiences on the inside and outside of psych units. Please please reply or send asks with your own information. I know Iâm not the only one on here whoâs been hospitalized. We are legion. We survived. We survive.Â
**Note from Kat: I am trying to learn graphic design (is my passionâą) but the struggle is real and it does NOT come naturally so if anyone wants to help hmu!!!!! Canât pay obvi but can link!**
#psychiatric hospitalization#psych hospital#psych ward#psych unit#recovery#mental health tips#mental health#mental illness#depression#suicidal thoughts#suicide#suicide attempt#hospitalization#anxiety#psychosis#bpd#borderline personality disorder#borderline#actuallyborderline#self help#save your own life#panic attack#hospital#ours#dbt skills#tips and tricks
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I already wrote this post, but Iâm coming backk up to the top to put a cut bc itâs p long.
my brother is singing falsettos out loud & Iâve already had a stressful day bc Iâve done nothing (lack of structure & lack of productivity gives me really bad anxiety) & heâs either singing out of key & out of time, or it just sounds really bad without the music. Heâs the only one who can hear the music bc HeadPhones. & also the falsettos is probably really bad for my mom bc sheâs mad that dad left her, esp bc the house is a mess & stressing her out & she needs to go grocery shopping & he used to do that âbut now he doesnât because he stopped loving [her]â, so my bro singing fucking falsettos is really bad. I canât cook supper bc I donât have a recipe & the stuff is still frozen & idk what kind of dough I should make & besides the kitchen is a mess & he wonât fucking clean it. I mean itâs also partially my fault bc Iâm a lazy adhd mofo, but itâs his job today & my job to cook. I need to get into the kitchen & cook before mom & my OTHER brother get home from shopping but I canât bc heâs just drawing & singing & the singing is so annoying- I was trying to listen to a thing but I couldnât fricking hear it bc adhd auditory processing disorders, it didnât have fucking subtitles or anything & it was not great audio quality & I couldnât differentiate between the words he was singing, & I couldnât hear the quiet parts when they overlapped with his singing. I wasnât going to write all of this I was just going to say that his singing makes me want to cut myself, but apparently thereâs a lot more to it. also I donât want to end up cooking while mom is home bc I donât have any drawings on my arm & mom is fucking nosy & wants to see my scars so I have to work extra hard at hiding them but even with ppl who arent nosy, like my little bro I donât like them out, but the longer my older bro sits there fucking yelling out of key, the longer Iâm delayed & I wonât be able to cook. By this point, I wonât even be able to cook the meal I was planning on, I have so much shit to do Iâve missed so much & Iâm so behind, but Iâm so incapable of doing anything like i canât do chores bc I use the excuse I have homework but I never fucking do my homework so Iâm also behind in school & even with the stuff I like like dnd & writing & violin I canât do, & I skipped online kung fu & Iâve been slacking off under so many excuses but Iâm just being lazy & anxious & I also gained so much weight & it makes my body feel so bad & i know this isnât my bodyâs happy weight & being fat makes my boobs bigger & Iâm fucking trans & I hate them I even tried cutting them off myself & ended up waiting 15 hours to go to the hospital so that I wouldnât make mom suspicious (& they put me through triage really fast bc apparently I did a lot of dammage- I was planning on giving myself stitches, but my icepack melted & I couldnât numb my body anymore so theyâre lucky I even went to the hospital, it was bad bc I had to walk 20 minutes either way weighted down with a fucking toolbox & I waited outside in the cold bc my phone died & thus:) mom found out anyways so I lied to her about going to buy drugs bc obv /thatâs/ a better idea than telling her I went to the hospital & SHUT UP UNNAMED OLDER BROTHER ok heâs between songs now. If I told mom I went to the hospital she would ask why & be like ây didnât u tell meâ & âr u cutting urself againâ & like yeah bitch I have been for a while ik the social worker said I should tell you a codeword, but I donât do that bc u blame yourself or cry or want to talk about & I yes I fucking cut myself what of it? Yeah I tried fucking removing my own left breast, bc u arentâ supportive of medical transitioning, at least not when theyâre ur kids. Ur mad at dad bc he got a tattoo bc itâs body modification & thus uncatholic, but uâll support ur catholic university friends gettin gtheir eldest daughter a reduction bc her boobs are big & painful- bitch whatâs so different about me? I went so far as to try giving myself a reduction, you say youâre concerned about me mutilating my body & making bad decisions, but, you know what? because of this I have legitimately mutilated my body, & made a dangerous & bad decision. isnât autosurgery proof that I need top surgery bc itâs a danger to my life if I donât get it? The government is able to pay for it I think & bc itâs a danger to my health (& i get pain & I canât work out & I get back pain & my skin pulls & hurts & if I jump my tissues yank my skin & it hurts & it puts so much strain on my back, & binding gives me pain, so I need a reduction as much as your catholic university friendsâ daughter does) I should be abe to qualify. Even if I donât qualify yet & have to wait two years, at least that would be the start of two years now instead of in a long time, I mean, mum, you say you want me to talk about it & youâre afraid Iâm rushing into it? guess what? They are too! the healthcare system will make me do a bunch of shit to qualify, & tbh, I think that they are better qualified to talk to me about surgery & what I really want than you. Fucking finally, I hope my brother is done his play & finally shuts up. TA MA DE FUCK NO HEâS STARTING AGAIN CROWS DAMN IT CROWS CROWS CROWS & MAGGOTS Iâm not even gonna be able to make anythiung for supper & i have no ideas besides the long one which I donât have time for anymore. fine. whatever. Iâll go SH in my room. I wonât even work on fanfic bc Iâm too fucking adhd & broken. I fucking hate it when ppl say âwe;re all a bit adhdâ like no bitch shut the fuck up, we all struggle with the things adhd ppl struggle with sometimes, but adhd is a neurological condition that makes those struggles so commonplace & intense that it affects our everyday lives. & no. adhd does not mean weâre more creative. Even if we do have more likeliihood of coming up with funky ideas, most of us struggle to articulate them or understand them, or we forget them as soon as they come. youâre not adhd bc youâre a little more creative, youre just an ableist asshole & fuck you. adhd isnât creativity itsâ a fucking disability. Iâm directing this at those fucking parents who have the lovely nd daughter who gave me a hug, but you two are motherfuckers. Yeah I get thaat adhd, once you learn how to mannage it, can be useful, & I understand that part of the reason this disability is so hard is bc society isnât designed for it (like a lefty using right hand scissors), but otâs still fuxking REAL & if you canât deal with it yet, it 100% is a disanbility. OK? Ok. I had smth I was going to say earlier, but I got distracted by smth else that made me mad, so I never got around to it. Youo know what I love? I fucking love how tumblr has next to no character limit so I can just type as much as I want. You know what I donât like? Iâll probably get deactivated by some SJW maggot-eaten crow-fucker who thinks that my rant& mentioning my failed ed & my self harm (oh fuck shut up, my brother is chanting âdumbâ) so anyways some fucking sjw fuck-hole will report this post & my blog & Iâll be deactivated for simply getting angry on tumblr. Itâs fucking tumblr! You used to be able to say whatever you needed to say! But now, esp us ppl w EDs, have no safe place to talk about our issues (at least, not w/o fear of gettin gterminated for âencouragingâ EDs, when weâre just trying to help ourselves). Anywasy, sorry for all the swears & go se, I swear when Iâm mad. Iâm gonna go do smth, idk what. Canât be anything productive, Canât even be unproductive stuff I like, like watching youtubem, or smth cathartic like playing fiddle. I might just go & bleed a bit & ignore everything for a while. I nkow that the world will still be stressful when I get back, & Iâll still have to cook, & Iâll still be behind in school, & mom will still be broken-hearted over dad, but Iâm feeling calmer just thinking about it so thatâs what Iâll do.Â
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so iâd really like to finish my guardian takedown lore analysis, but honestly the game isnât really fun to play at the moment anymore (even with the health debuffs they added) so I think im going to be taking a break for now because Iâm just not having fun anymore.
this game has a lotta mechanical problems i think need to be addressed so im gonna summarize it as bullet points below. Iâll play the new dlc when it drops, but idk if iâll be on more than that (grinding, end-game stuff) until they make some serious changes. Iâve been playing (near) daily since launch, followed the patch/hotfix notes every single week, and my patience has finally, FINALLY run dry, especially with that really disappointing Phase 1 Patch and then the hotfix this week not adding anything else. What is the balancing team doing??? đ©
tl;dr: FIX THE VAULT HUNTERS!!!!
anyway. Thatâs all I needed to get outta my system. I might log on to this blog every now and again to post some random shit that pops into my head (probably with regards to my AU), but Iâm not going to be actively playing and posting for the time being. Goodbye (for now), and hereâs hoping the new DLC is good!!Â
guardian takedown only problems:
thereâs a lot of waiting around, and sometimes itâs not explicitly stated that youâre waiting for something, so youâll be lost on what to do next (not sure if thatâs a dialogue glitch or not)
the crystal charge insta-death is bull. just. what the hell. at least make it so you just have to start over. killing ur players for failing a âpuzzleâ that they then have to fight all the way back to is so infuriating.
dying because you fell off a platforming puzzle is also bull.Â
i remember playing the first DMC on my playstation in middle school and having a conniption over the part in the observatory(? itâs been a hot minute since I played DMC 1) with the disappearing/invisible platforms. I h a t e jumping puzzles. why are they in a section of the game where death is semi-permanent and a detriment to your teammates. i tried the takedown 2x with friends and both times one friend didnât make the first big jump to the temple and had to wait for our inevitable deaths. thatâs so unfair to them.
thereâs absolutely no reason for a boss to have 12 fuckin immunity phases. 4 per health bar with 3 health bars? Who the fuck designed this? *pumps shotgun* i just wanna talk.Â
i appreciate a tasteful immunity phase every now and again (the ones in the Valkyrie fight are actually p reasonable), but christ. that is overkill. I donât mind the main boss fight, since u can end those early through certain actions, but jesus. the mid-boss fight is annoying as hell. you spend more time running from the immunity phases and finding the damn boss than u do actually shooting it.
drop rates are crap, which I guess should be expected given what happened with the Maliwan Takedown and the handful of months it took for them to fix that, but also you think theyâd have learned.
in the maliwan takedown thereâs a sense of progression thru the facility after you kill each areaâs batch of enemies, but in this one itâs... dampened by the crystal charging sequences. you kill all the enemies in an area, press a button, and now you have to kill 3x that number of enemies in the same area, expect youâre just standing there motionless. Itâs not fun.
the crystal charging stuff is just not fun in general. standing in a square is not entertaining. itâs worse that it was clearly designed for 3+ players when a majority of people play/grind solo
i gotta admit the boss fights just arenât as fun as the Maliwan Takedown fights overall. I felt like a real badass fighting Wotan for the first time, but the main boss for this Takedown is kind of a bitch. Wotanâs fight is chaos, thereâs so much shit happening at once and you donât really have time to process everything and I love it. This one is p meh...
This would be fine and Iâd 100% not care that much if there werenât all these OTHER problems
General Issues with the Game
Thereâs no endgame stuff to play outside of the takedowns.Â
I assume theyâre working on the first raid given some stuff I found in the Guardian Takedown files, but I really wish theyâd keep the seasonal events/areas. They give us the option to disable/enable them while theyâre âactiveâ, just give us the ability to do it whenever we want.
when i hop on i either run through Athenas (my favorite map), or farm a boss or two. I have all the loot i really need from the maliwan takedown/elsewhere, and the guardian takedown just... isnât fun atm, so i have nothing to do.
Iâve reset my playthru multiple times to play the main story at m10, but u can only play it (and the dlc) so many times
Mayhem levels and modifiers are a hot m e s s
a majority of the modifiers just arenât fun to play with
they incorporated like 2-3 fun modifiers (from the community), then added a bunch that straight-up arenât. Iâm fine with the game being more difficult, but at least give us modifiers that make it more entertaining to play at a higher level instead of more annoying. I like the ones that have trade-offs or add new âenemiesâ, but I hate the ones that just straight up reduce your damage output.
a majority of the weapons with the mayhem 10 anointment (scaling) do not work on mayhem 10 (weâll go more in-depth with this later)
Player Characters (Vault Hunters!!!) are also a hot mess and a lot of problems plaguing them havenât been fixed SINCE LAUNCH
theyre literally the basis of the game and its balance. why havent you guys fixed them yet. stop adding new content until theyâre fixed. no new skill trees until the base 3 trees work ON EVERY CHARACTER.
seriously. Why is amara p much limited to using Phasegrasp. Why does Iron Bear not matter to Moze except to proc anointments. MAKE ALL ACTION SKILLS EQUAL AND HAVE HEFT.
i wrote an essay here about it bc i feel that strongly about this
SERIOUSLY FIXING UR VAULT HUNTERS WILL MAKE BALANCING SO MUCH EASIER PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU THEY ARE THE BASE OF UR BALANCING WOES
ZANE IS STILL UNUSABLE WITHOUT THE SEEINâ DEAD CLASS MOD!!!!!!!!!!!
MOZE IS SCREWED BC HER DAMAGE IS TOO RELIANT ON ASE ANOINTMENTS!!
AMARA DOESNâT HAVE A FUCKING MELEE BUILD AS THE ADVERTISED MELEE CHARACTER???
FL4KâS HEADCOUNT SKILL IS S T I L L BROKEN EVER SINCE THE RELEASE OF THE MALIWAN TAKEDOWN
ARE YOU GUYS LISTENING TO THE COMMUNITY *PLEASEEEEEEE*
BUFF AND FIX THE GODDAMN VAULT HUNTERS
Anointments were a mistake. Damage end-game is wayyyy too reliant on them
anoints should have a maximum of, like, a 20% damage bonus. the damage necessary to kill enemies *should be coming from the VHs themselves*. i donât care if you have to revamp every single Vault Hunterâs skill trees and buff them all by 9000%. THEY DESERVE IT AT THIS POINT
at the moment in m10 there really isnât much build diversity *even between Vault Hunters*. Weâre all using the same 5 guns (OPQ System. Kaoson. idk. fuckin brainstormer? is that still a thing? jesus fuck) with the same 3 anointments (100% on ASE, cryo while SNTL, and 300% while 90%).
you want to diversify builds like you said during the gameplay reveal???? you want our choice in Vault Hunter to actually fuckin matter???? FIX THEM!!!! THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEAL DAMAGE WITHOUT STUPID POWERFUL LEGENDARIES AND ANOINTMENTS!!!
Anoints also shouldnât be common. At all. They should be, like, Pearl rarity. To let that happen, their damage needs to be tuned way the fuck down (again, 20ish % bonus MAX) and ALL ANOINTS NEED TO BE USEFUL IN SOME WAY
NOBODY IS GOING TO USE THE AIRBORNE OR SLIDING ANOINTMENTS JUST REMOVE THEM ALREADY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
obviously these changes canât happen because they fucked up and buckled down with everything being anointed in m10, but still
imagine a world where the VHs actually did damage on their own without anointments and the damage buff from them was just an incentive to grind for the 100% perfect weapon and NOT A REQUIREMENT TO DEAL DAMAGE
>:(
A majority of gear is borderline worthless at M10
Iâm fine with the difficulty of M10, i should let it be known. The enemy health isnât really the problem IF ALL GUNS ACTED THE SAME AS THE OPQ SYSTEM
ffs.
you know, if you fixed ur vault hunters so they all did damage with just purple weapons (abt the same damage as legendaries w/o special effects) and removed the anointment requirement from late-game play, balancing your guns would be sooo much easier. you know. just saying.
right now only 10% (im being generous) of guns in the game are viable. 90% are worthless. We need AT LEAST 60-70% viable at M10. WHERE IS MY BUILD DIVERSITY. WHY ARE ALL LEGENDARIES NOW JUSTÂ âHEY THIS GUN IS STRONGER THAN THE LAST 4 WE RELEASED. HAVE FUNâ
how to fix this problem? do as above: BUFF YOUR PLAYER CHARACTERS. MAKE ANOINTMENTS LESS STRONG.
then, at least the 10% already strong weapons would be stupid strong and OP as fuck, BUT AT LEAST WE COULD HAVE BUILD VARIETY!!! I donât care if other people are dummy strong one-shotting everything in sight. I donât! so long as they donât play with me, I couldnât care less!!! I want to be able to play with the unique, interesting legendaries. instead of the OPQ System. which, by the way, I dislike compared to the normal Q-System. let me use the frozen heart shield and the infiltrator mod. I donât wanna be chained to the Seeinâ Dead anymore :(
honestly at this point im starting to think removing slag was a mistake bc then at least we could use guns that arenât solely damage-based guns. you know how fucked up youâve got me that im thinking maybe slag wouldnât be so bad this time around??? YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP B A D.
FIX THE GAME
IM TAKING A BREAK
MAYBE IâLL BE LESS UPSET WHEN I COME BACK FOR THE DLC BUT HOT. DIGGITY. SHIT.
#borderlands#bl3#whelp#i needed to get that out#still frustrated...#just... fix the game#please#its so disheartening to see this STILL going on#like i know bl2 had the same problems#with the balancing#remember when they nerfed zer0 and buffed salvador?#but like christ at least they were messing with the vault hunters#now they're trying to brush their problems under the rug and it's really sad to watch#you would think they'd have learned from bl2
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hi, idk if this is okay but here goes... this blog's really helped me a lot in recovery from AN. i've been doing well lately. since diagnosis, i've been on my own with this bc the mental health system in my country is broken. i guess my question is, do you have any tips for continuing recovery during grief? a really close friend has just passed and i can't get myself to stomach even a bite. i just don't know what to do, i'm lost. thanks in advance, it's okay if you don't reply to this, really.
Hey! I am so glad this blog could help you, itâs truly an honor! Also I live in America, my healthcare system also sucks ass. Recently had symptoms of kidney infection- couldnât go to an in person doctor because the only place that took my insurance was closed in my city and they wouldnât set me an appointment in person, though I tried to get one. Basically just had to tough it out- it sucked. Basically trying to validate you- having shitty healthcare is basically the worst.
As for grief, I am really sorry to hear that your friend passed away. Itâs an absolutely horrible thing to go through, for every good memory you had with them you have to remember time and time again that they arenât here anymore, and thatâs a feeling that takes a really long time to become more okay with. Not that itâs the same thing, as everyoneâs relationship with grief is different, but I lost a close grandmother on January 30th, 2020. I mourn her everyday, and itâs one of the hardest things Iâve ever gone through in my entire life. Still is. I miss her every day, and think about her all the time.
So some words on grief.
1. Cheesy, but it does get better with time.
I read an allegory for grief, and I have found it to be true. Grief is like a big ball inside of a tiny box (which represents you). Every time the ball touches the side of the box- it hurts really bad. You cry, you stare at the wall for hours, you lose your appetite, a lot of things. At first- your ball of grief is huge- and itâs constantly and randomly hitting the sides of the box. For me- the time around my grandmotherâs death and funeral, I was completely out of commission. I couldnât stop crying, and when I did I couldnât focus on anything. I was completely incompacitated for weeks. But then- over time, the ball of grief gets smaller and smaller, and touches the side of the box less and less. Now, I can think about her without bursting into tears, I look back on my time with her with a sense of nostalgia rather than sharp pain most of the time. Now while my ball of grief is smaller- sometimes it still randomly touches the sides of my box, and I break down crying (hell- I am tearing up now lol). Thatâs okay. Itâs all apart of the process. The grief never fully goes away- but it becomes less and less consuming. This does not mean you love your loved one any less, it just means your body gets better at metabolizing their absence so it hurts less. Also not you canât force the ball to get smaller before itâs ready to (believe me- I tried). Just let it happen.
2. Express your emotions healthily
Want to know what not to do? Keep your emotions locked into your chest. Especially if you have an ED, itâs important to let yourself cry as hard and as often as you need to. What you donât get out now will bite you in the ass later. Itâs so, so painful. I have never cried so hard in my entire life than I did at my grandmotherâs funeral, I couldnât even get a word of apology out. It felt awful, and vulnerable, and it wasnât pleasant at all. Crying is not fun, but it was necessary. Afterwards, I felt soooo much better. This is because crying chemically is like letting the extra air out of a balloon about to pop. There is no shame in it. Do it, and do it often. As often as you need, donât hold it in. Let the pain come, and then when it is ready it will pass. Remember what you donât process now you most certainly will be forced to process later in the form of chronic pain, worse depression, worse ED symptoms, and worse health. Let it out.
3. There is no wrong way to grieve
So I just spent all that time talking about crying- but itâs also possible that your grief will express itself in other ways, such as feeling numb, or even feeling fine. The key thing is to not judge how your body metabolizesïżŒ this. Let it do what it needs to do, and do not judge it. To it body will do what it needs to do, fighting it is a pointless uphill battle. Accept it with self compassion, console yourself like a friend would. Tell yourself itâs okay to feel numb, or to cry, or to be okay, etc. let it happen.
4. Reach out for support
Be it from a friend, a family member, or a therapist (or best- all three!) if you feel like it would help you, reach out and talk about how you are feeling, or do something distracting. Mod Lia and I called the night I saw my grandmother for the last time, and we didnât talk about it much at all. We watched She-ra. That helped a lot. Later I called another friend and talked about how I was feeling. Later I talked about it with Mod Lia, too. And of course my therapist- who helped me process it in a healthy way. On that note, especially with an Ed, if you can, get a therapist. Do it. Better than anybody they will be able to help you find the healthiest way to grieve, and help provide tips and accountability for preventing the worsening of an ED.
5. Tips on not drop kicking your ED behaviors further into hell
Having a schedule for eating (and other necessary activities) really helped me. At certain times, regardless of wether or not I was hungry, I forced myself to eat just because it was food time. Doing this prevents you from slipping into ED behaviors, especially when it is easy to do. Having a therapist or a willing friend to hold you accountable can also help. Express your emotions healthily. Talk to your loved one still, on walks or however. Talk about them in conversation. Do things that remind you of them. Make a memorial for them- whatever that means to you. Allow them to still occupy space in your life, if that feels right. If not, thatâs fine. Taking care of yourself is hard, but if you donât you are going to make it worse for yourself. Itâs like puting an ankleweight in when you are already drowning. Take intentional steps (such as setting reminders and alarms) to ensure you take care of yourself, and even see if there are people who would do it with you. Like if you are having a hard time eating, see if a friend will have lunch with you every day at a certain time, or a couple different people (over the phone if need be). Plans, for me, really help me keep it together.
To sum it up, the biggest thing is to not fight the grieving process, set specific schedules for different aspects of self care (with alarms), reach out when you need help, and be patient because it takes time.
There is nothing I can say to make your loss feel better, but it is so hard to lose someone, and Iâm sorry you have to go through that. Be patient, donât expect a ton of productivity out of yourself, and just wait out these unpleasant storms. Thing are never going to feel the same ever again, but eventually you will get used to a new normal, and that doesnât mean you are doing them an injustice. Keep remembering them, and be patient with yourself.
Best of wishes,
Mod Cass
#mod cass#og post#ask#edrecovery#actually ed#pro recovery#mental health#recovery#ed recovery#grief#dealing with grief
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i found out wii u can be turned into a "portable gamecube" (portable if ur near the console lol) and plays gc games from sd using HARDWARE and even has upscaling n can be played directly on gamepad so!
very cool to have entire gc library running flawlessly on a handheld while in bed? along w n64 and other virtual console stuff and homebrew (and wii, which upscales n uses hardware). PLUS i wouldn't have to wait for n to port the hd zeldas etc etc etc. pretty good n fun project for only around $100!
so i somehow dragged myself out a few days ago to buy one (v hard when im outta my mind w panic attacks and no sleep and STILL having major health/withdrawal issues). n things were goin well and i could work on it lil bits at a time from my bed so doesn't hurt me too bad phys/mentally (yep i'm THAT sick rn đą).
but i kept havin this annoying thing where the touchscreen would get weird? thought it was just something I WAS doing like usererror? i was minutes away from hacking it. n then the weird issue became too much n i noticed it was becoming slightly unuseable? i was like "uh oh".
thank god i decided to try n figure that out before i hacked (softmod is prob reverseable but still). turns out the idiot who sold it had damaged the touchscreen pretty severely. like there's a point on right side of screen where u can see this lil "dot" of damage? and it randomly becomes pressed and held even if u aren't touching the system. which pretty much makes the system unusable.
i'm guessing someone got mad and pressed WAY TOO hard w the stylus and like semi-bent the plastic? or maybe also like SQUEEZED the sys too hard in frustration etc? like lol ppl are allowed to get mad at games it's fine? but what sucks is that person then obviously sold this broken wii u to the store, tricked the store into thinking it was fine, and then guess who had to deal with it. me.
so now i hafta go try n exchange or return this thing n it's very annoying. bc i can't even drive myself rn. i've been buying used systems my whole life and never had to return any, even to like garage sales... so of COURSE this would happen now.
i just... wanted to play mario 64 and sunshine in bed... to calm me n help me sleep... đą
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not-ur-average-anything replied to your post âAFTER 8.5 MONTHS TUMBLR FINALLY GAVE ME MY ACCOUNT BACK???!!!â
WAIT SO THATS WHERE YOU WENT?
to be fair, my original hiatus thru mid-Aug 2018 was my decision, I very much needed a mental health break from tumblr. but I wasnât given the choice of when I was ready to return on a lighter basis (ca. mid-October, when Doctor Who came back).
valentinaonthemoon replied to your post âAFTER 8.5 MONTHS TUMBLR FINALLY GAVE ME MY ACCOUNT BACK???!!!â
Yayy!! Welcome back!!!! What happened to your account??
basically tumblr told me to delete unused URLs (which I only had bc of that glitch years ago where my friends would delete sideblogs and lose their whole primary blog, so I was terrified to delete them), which was fair, so I did delete them. and I replied telling tumblr that Iâd deleted them.
and then nothing.
I wrote back to those emails. I wrote new help tickets. I asked a couple of friends to put in their own support messages asking abt my acct.
nothing still.
I was afraid to post anything to any of my once-active sideblogs, lest it somehow cause some other error in tumblrâs obviously broken system.
8.5 months went by without a response. until this morning when I got a very curt:Â
âThanks for letting us know, and we apologize for the delay. We've restored full access to your account.â
cool thx @staffâ, only 8+ months of anxiety episodes later, a half-baked apology is def enough. đ
Iâm so, so happy to have my account back! but Iâm also still pissed off af lol
#not ur average anything#valentinaonthemoon#ask#or reply close enough#verbivore whines#HA! that tag I *do* remember
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Scum Villain AU
Welp, fell down a rabbit hole of translations for novels written by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu, and my brain would not let go of the idea for a Scum Villain sharkbait AU. I blame @pyrrhy also for being a fantastic enabler.
So, this is a thing now! But first, on Scum Villainâs Self-Saving System, the general synopsis is that a book reviewer dies suddenly with his last thoughts being of how unsatisfied he was with the harem/stallion novel he just finished reading. He finds himself subsequently transported into the body of a minor âscumâ villain from said book, with the task of fixing/improving the story. Of course, the character heâs currently been cast as was, in the original novel, dismembered and killed by the protagonist.
In the interests of not having that happen, our intrepid hero immediately starts trying to suck up to the protagonist. He does a good job. In fact he does such a good job that the protagonist ends up falling in love with him, and therein lies the core of the storyâs shenanigans.
If you wanna read the translations, itâs ongoing here at bc novels. For other works by the same author, thereâs Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (Mo Dao Zu Shi, which also has an animated series) over here at Exiled Rebels Scanlations, and Heavenâs Official Blessing is being translated here at Sakhyulations. Translating is hard work so if you read and enjoy any of âem, itâs nice to consider donating to the sites, too!
Some of the above stories definitely fall into problematic pitfalls of the slash genre, though. While I am a big fan of the pacing and storytelling Mo Xiang Tong Xiu pulls off and love her characters, Iâve been forewarned on some issues too. As Iâm still reading my way through I canât give my personal assessment on a lot of that stuff or offer more in-depth warnings for everything. But it should probably be mentioned.
Warnings For This Fic in Particular:Â At the outset of our story, Uthvir is underage. No romance is gonna take place while they are, but when they meet Thenvunin is an 18 year-old posing as their teacher, and Uthvir is 15. This is a slow burn. I also follow the original plot points of the story pretty closely but change up the order/direction of some things, too.
Additional Notes:Â In the original novel, the story that the lead character gets sucked into is a fantasy/cultivation novel hybrid with elements from a whole thwack of other genres, too. Iâm leaning more heavily into the fantasy stuff because I donât have much experience with cultivation novels, just for reference, but it should be noted that a lot of the story elements draw expressly from Chinese culture and I can take no credit for them - just in case anyone whoâs totally new to these genres reads along. Also, I took some liberty with the names of things, because just throwing in Chinese words seemed unfitting and Iâm not following the entire script on world-building elements. (Plus, in the novel, the storyâs author is notoriously bad at naming things anyway.)
Alright, my apologies for the huge stack of notes/explanations! Please enjoy reading. The characters Calain and Jheâandal (not seen in this chapter but bound to appear later) belong to @pyrrhy, whoâs graciously loaned them to me so I can mess around.
âStupid author, stupid novel!â
  Thenvunin was not entirely surprised that those ended up being the last words he uttered in life. Though he is rather regretful about it. But at the time, processing the sudden failure of his ongoing health treatments had been harder than just fixating on the fact that, probably, the last book he was ever going to read in his life had been that terrible trainwreck of a harem fantasy novel.
  That popular disaster of a book, âImmortal Demon Wayâ. With records broken on copies sold, but most critics more or less agreeing that it was mindless dreck. Except, the problem was, it wasnât really âmindlessâ dreck. There had been parts that were really promising. That was the real tragedy of the entire mess. The story had plenty of interesting side-characters and concepts, some intriguing world-building, even the promise of genuinely engaging content. But all of it had been tethered to a truly terrible main plotline. A black hole of a plot that managed to be boring and offensive by turns, even if the protagonist did manage to come across as somewhat compelling once in a blue moon.
  Because âImmortal Demon Wayïżœïżœïżœ was pure self-indulgent trash. The leading character, Uthvir, was one of those characters whose tragic life led them onto a dark path of retribution and conquest. Despite being pure-hearted in their youth, the constant mistreatment from people around them eventually blackened their heart, until they were the sort of person who wear a friendly smile while torturing a man to death. And naturally, over the course of the story, they managed to accumulate a truly massive harem, all filled with beautiful women. Even though the author - writing under an anonymous pen name of âHalf-Demon Princeâ, had come out and said that the character wasnât exclusively attracted to women - that claim never manifested in the actual text. Which made the whole gesture feel quite performative.
  Honestly, Thenvunin probably would have never picked up the book if he didnât need to review it for the site he worked for. Heâd never been fond of harem works, where the hero collects love interests like theyâre filling up a basket of flowers. It had less to do with the numbers involved, and more to do with the sheer fact that more love interests usually meant less development on any particular relationship. Plus, inevitably, there would be scheming plotlines within the harem, and Thenvunin had never liked reading about women causing one another to miscarry or murdering each otherâs babies to try and keep ahead in ranking. Luckily, âImmortal Demon Wayâ hadnât included a lot of such content, and what was there had been easy to skip. Enough so that Thenvunin had found himself speed-reading most of the âromanticâ parts. A sure sign of failure, given that romance was his actual preferred genre.
  But yes, all in all, âImmortal Demon Wayâ was one of those stories he would have been happy not to think about ever again. And instead, it had ended up being his last thought in life.
  WellâŠ
  In his old life, at any rate.
  But somehow, after he had died, he had found himself hearing an odd robot voice in his mind. Sort of like one of those automatic screen-readers.
  <Request processed⊠final request accepted⊠Welcome, Participant, to the âImmortal Demon Wayâ project! Your dying wish has granted you access to this system. Starting points are tabulated at 100. Story goals - to improve the overall quality, reduce plotholes, and revitalize interesting conceptual material that was overshadowed by [Garbage Main Plotline.] This system is now receptive to inquiries.>
  W. ..what�
   â...Whatâs going on?â Thenvunin had asked.
  The obvious question, really. He had felt panicked, or rather, like he should be panicked, but also like everything he could feel was very far away. Shock? Heâd gone into shock before. It was a similar sensation, but not exact. But then again, there could be a lot of variables with that sort of thing. Everywhere around him just looked blurry, and pale. As if he was standing in a very modern office and wearing smudged glasses. He wondered if heâd survived after all, and if this latest disaster in his health had damaged his eyes so badly.
  It was a chilling thought. Or, it should have been.
  <Participant has been accepted for the currently-operating âImmortal Demon Wayâ project. Activation words âstupid author, stupid novelâ. Combined with a death wish, the pathways have been opened up for Participantâs consciousness to be transferred to the world of âImmortal Demon Wayâ.>
  World? What world?
  âI donât understand,â Thenvunin said. âAm I in the hospital? Whereâs my mother?â
  That last question was perhaps more embarrassing than he would have liked, but it didnât seem as if he was feeling embarrassment too keenly, either. And his mother always came whenever he was hospitalized. Thenvunin was only eighteen, and had been sick all of his life. Naturally, his mother worried a great deal about him, and the hospital staff knew to inform her whenever he had a serious incident.
  <Participant has been accepted for the currently-operating âImmortal Demon Wayâ project. Participant is currently being housed in a waiting room. Acceptance of admittance will trigger consciousness-transfer to feasible candidate for accomplishing compatible story goals. Refusal will result in immediate transference back to the participantâs native world. WARNING: Refusal not recommended. Participantâs corporeal status in native world has been determined: Deceased. Probable outcome of refusal is fatality.>
  Deceased�
  Thenvunin reeled, and even with his current level of detachment, struggled to process it all. He tried asking the âsystemâ more questions, but none of them seemed to garner satisfactory answers. Asking who had created it didnât get him anywhere. Nor did asking how it knew anything about him. Asking what this whole âImmortal Demon Wayâ project was just prompt a repeat of the âstory goalsâ - it sounded like he was being moved into a story in order to fix it? Like a sort of virtual reality?
  He had a great deal of trouble processing the whole concept.
  But then, there didnât seem to be anything for him to do but accept it in the end, either. It could all be a trick, but, Thenvunin did remember dying. Or something that felt close enough to it that he couldnât bring himself to take that risk. He was afraid of dying; afraid enough that he could feel it, even as he drifted in that strange âwaiting roomâ.
  It was a feeling that followed him as he woke up in another strange room. But this time it was one he could see. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he felt like he had a terrible headache. The room around him definitely wasnât a hospital, however. As he sat up, he could see sunlight streaming through several beautiful, open windows. The air smelled fresh, like the mountains he had visited once, before his father left. He sits up to find himself laid out in a comfortable bed, with a clothe on his brow, and a very light but comfortable robe on his body. The pale green fabric is the same colour as his eyes, but he only stares at it for a moment before his attention is arrested by something else.
  His body.
  Which is⊠definitely not his body.
  Thereâs a curtain of long, wavy hair falling down past his shoulders. His chest is broad and⊠chiseled? How could he possibly have a chiseled chest? And his arms are muscular, and long, and utterly devoid of the scars he had gotten from his car crash eight months ago, when he had tried to drive himself to the hospital and veered into a lamppost instead. Thenvunin is almost too shocked to move, but after a moment, he finds himself hurriedly pushing back the blankets and looking at the rest.
  His legs - !
  His legs look⊠they look good! Moreover, as he moves, heâs startled to realize that he doesnât feel any pain. None at all, apart from his headache. Under other circumstances he would assume he was on some heavy painkillers, but obviously, this might not even be the case? He moves his legs and marvels at the ease of it, swivels his hips and feels nothing, and after a minute he cannot help but leap out of bed and begin jumping around, amazed and entrancedâŠ
  âŠAnd more than a little disconcerted. This body is totally, completely different from his own. He looks down at it and intellectually knows that heâs inside of it, but it scarcely feels that way. After a few minutes of either celebrating or panicking, or possibly both, Thenvunin finally locates a full-body mirror next to a dressing station in one corner of the room.
  He stares uncomprehendingly at himself.
  His eyes are the same, and his hair is the same - if somewhat longer, he thinks - and thereâs a certain congruity between his facial features. But the man staring back at him is undeniably, completely different. He looks both strong and elegant, somehow. More muscular than Thenvunin would have ever idealized himself as, but the strength in those muscles is making him feel slightly giddy as he moves. And heâs tall. Heâs not stooping over in the least, not struggling to keep his shoulders straight, feeling no pain from his surprisingly trim waistlineâŠ
  It canât be him!
  Heâs still trying to reconcile the idea when he realizes he has no clue who this character is, either. From the system, he gathered that he was going to be transported into an existing characterâs body. But there are a few who might match the description of this one, and even more who were mostly undescribed. The only thing he knows for certain is that he is not Uthvir; they would not be so tall.
  Right?
  System, who am I supposed to be?
  <Congratulations on beginning your Death Wish Journey! Participantâs assigned designation is: Thenvunin Thenerassan. Status is: Project Virgin. Would you like some Beginner Tips?>
  He freezes in place, at the sound of the response which he can somehow tell is purely in his own mind.
  Did the system just call him a virgin�
  How would it know?!
  Although it seemed to know everything. Thenvunin paused in embarrassment, before the rest of the message finally registered. His character is Thenevunin Thenerassan�
  Wait, âThenerassanâ? That villain? The corrupt instructor who was always taking time to abuse and harass Uthvir, when they were still young and full of hope for the future? Heâd never even realized the character had a first name! Though admittedly, he hadnât read all of the authorâs shared notes and âtidbitsâ on social media. For a moment he is thoroughly offended. How dare this horrible character share his name!
  And then he remembers.
  ThenerassanâŠ
  Thenerassan dies in this story!
  And not peacefully, oh no. After years of abusing Uthvir and then finally betraying them utterly at the grand tournament, the hero comes back seeking vengeance, with their heart blackened and ruthless. They utterly decimate Thenerassanâs reputation, until there is no one on earth who would pity him, and eventually end up taking him prisoner. Then they cut off his limbs, one by one, and blind him, and use their demonic blood to torture him until he can finally take no more and expires.
  And Thenvunin himself had once visited the storyâs forums to express disappointment that this character wasnât castrated, too. Considering everything he had done.
  He feels faint, going white as a sheet while he stares in the mirror. So consumed with terror that he doesnât even hear the door to the room opening.
  âBrother?â an unfamiliar voice calls.
  Thenvunin whips his head around, and freezes in place. A new kind of fear gripping him, as he looks at this unfamiliar person. Presumably a character in the story. For half a heartbeat, heâs almost afraid that itâs Uthvir, come to drag him off for torture and death. But then his mind catches up with him. No, this is⊠that wouldnât be right. This place, based on the descriptions, must be Thenerassanâs chambers on Quiet Peak temple. The author of âImmortal Demon Wayâ had only very loosely followed the structure of a âcultivationâ novel, taking grand liberties with the various stages and processes of most established works. The Peaks, as he recalled, were little more than supernatural stomping grounds; like elite clubs for people who had attained immortality through cultivating their internal energies, and becoming incredible fighters.
  If he is at Quiet Peak, then he mustnât be at a point in the story where this character has been ruined, yet. But thatâs only one relief; he still finds himself looking at a concerned face he doesnât recognize.
  â...Yes?â he finally ventures.
  The stranger comes into the room. He is a man. Handsome. Long dark hair, pretty brown eyes, middle-dark complexion. He could be any number of a dozen characters, really, but Thenvunin supposes he could narrow it down to the ones populating Quiet Peak. It was an early part of the story, so one he remembers fairly well.
  Before he can latch onto a guess, though, the stranger pauses and gives him an assessing look.
  âAre you feeling better?â he asks. âYour disciples said you collapsed out of nowhere on the practice fields. Compassion took a look at you but couldnât see any problem, either with your health or internal mystic energies. She advised that we let you restâŠâ
  âAh,â Thenvunin says. âUm. Well. Yes, I⊠fainted.â
  The stranger raises an eyebrow.
  âYou fainted? Have you been neglecting yourself in some way, brother?â he asks. He seems cordial enough, which further limits the possibilities for who he could be. Dark hair, brown eyes, friendly enough to check in on the unlikable Thenerassanâs healthâŠ
  â...Venavismi?â he ventures.
  The man blinks.
  âYes?â he asks.
  Oh thank goodness.
  âI. Um. I seem to be⊠not feeling wellâŠâ he says. It feels like an odd thing to say, since technically speaking, he doesnât think heâs ever felt so well before in his life. He almost jumps out of his skin when he hears a soft âbingâ inside his head, though.
  <Warning: Impending Out of Character Behaviour Alert. Current Participant has OOC Restriction Locks still in place. OOC Restriction Locks can be removed once Achievement: Character Development has been obtained.>
  Thenvunin freezes in place again.
  What?
  <Please specify query.>
  What are OOC Restriction Locks?!
  <OOC Restriction Locks are a branch of Participant Autonomy Limitations. Violating locks will result in points penalties relative to the degree of violation.>
  Meaning⊠if he behaves out of character, heâll be penalized?
  But Thenerassan is a monster! Thenvunin canât act like that. It would be beyond the pale! And besides, how can he possibly change anything in this story if he has to act like an amoral reprobate the entire time? No, wait. There was more, wasnât there?
  Whatâs âAchievement: Character Developmentâ?
  <Certain limitations will be removed by the system once achievements have been obtained. To obtain Achievement: Character Development, Participant must earn points by completing actions that fall within the parameters of Participantâs behaviour as well as Character: Thenerassanâs.>
  What?! How am I supposed to do that, Iâm nothing like that wretch!
  Thenvunin is still in the process of thinking furiously in his mind when Venavismi seems to decide that he must be rattled. Heâs accustomed enough to being handled by nurses that being steered back towards his bed barely registers in his mind, until he finds himself being settled onto the mattress again.
  â...more rest, brother,â Venavismi is saying, genially. He seems to be about as nice as the impression his character gave off, in the story. Thenvunin always felt rather badly about his death. Which⊠he suddenly recalls, was Thenerassanâs fault. Retaliating in a fury after the accusations against him had landed, he had killed the first people who attempted to apprehend him, only for Uthvir to swoop in and put a stop to him. One of them had been Venavismi. Decapitated, as he recallsâŠ
  He feels an inexplicable rush of shame. Not that heâs responsible for Thenerassanâs actions, but, wellâŠ
  âThank you,â he says. âYou are a very upright person, Venavismi, even if you can make terrible jokes sometimes.â
  <OOC Restriction Lock Violation. Point deduction, -15.>
  What? Just for saying âthank youâ?!
  <Character: Thenerassan would not thank Venavismi without ulterior motive. -5 Deduction. Character: Thenerassan would not compliment Venavismi without ulterior motive. -5 Deduction. Character: Thenerassan would also not display weakness in front of a potential rival. -5 Deduction. Deductions reduced by 50% due to mitigating factor: Plausible Disorientation.>
  Internally, Thenvunin fumes. Plausible?! He is most certainly disoriented, of course he is!
  But Venavismi does look very surprised.
  âUm. Thank you, brotherâŠ?â he ventures. âI think I had better get another healer to attend to you. Do you remember hitting your head on anything when you collapsed?â
  âOf course not, I donât even remember collapsing!â Thenvunin snaps, flustered and unhappy with having lost points. Even though he doesnât know what the points mean. He lets Venavismi bow his way out of the room, the atmosphere awkward and disconcerting, and then finally just drops his head into his hands.
  What do all these points even mean, System?
  <Would you like to see Beginnerâs Tips?>
  âŠYes. Yes, I would, if that will explain this whole confusing mess!
  <Beginnerâs Tips have been activated! Additional Mode: Character File Recognition has also been activated. New characters will now appear with their names provided by the system, in the event that Character: Thenerassan would be able to recognize them. For a cost of an additional 100 points, Easy Mode may be activated. Warning: current point levels insufficient to make payment. Regarding point system: actions furthering project goals generate points. Lock violations or insufficient story progress will incur penalties. Negative point status will result in Participantâs ejection from the project.>
  Ejection from the project�
  In other words, then, if his points go into the negatives, heâll be sent back home.
  Where heâs⊠dead.
  And what happens if I die during the course of this project? He wonders, thinking of the chilling prospect of Thenerassanâs canonical fate.
  Death of the Participant will result in ejection from the project.
  So⊠death, again.
  Thenvunin lets out a shaky breath.
  He would⊠yes, he would definitely rather avoid that, all things considered. But by the time a healer - whose name Thenerassan apparently would not have bothered to know - comes to his chambers, he doesnât feel much closer to regaining his equilibrium.
   ~
   Thenvunin takes an entire day to rest from his âmysterious illnessâ. In the evening, one of his disciples comes with something more substantial for him to eat. Desire, or âSquishâ, as the narrative had nicknamed her. She is a pleasant girl, and a teenager, though how old she exactly is would depend on when heâs arrived on this scene. Assuming itâs prior to Uthvirâs descent into hell, she could be anywhere between fourteen and nineteen. Thenerassan - the original - had lusted after this girl, behaving inappropriately the entire time. Seeing the girl come into his rooms, Thenvunin is appalled twice-over by that particular story element. Here Thenerassan was supposed to be her mentor, but he had scarcely seemed to teach her anything except that authority figures werenât to be trusted! And then she had joined Uthvirâs harem, all full of scandals and intrigue, and⊠admittedly, Thenvunin had rather lost track of her character after that.
  He didnât recall her has terribly complex. Mostly just sweet, and devoted, a simple âchildhood friendâ style love-interest. Though heâs surprised when she comes in, and he notices that she lacks the typical âdaintyâ appearance of such a girl. Instead she is heavy-set and⊠well, fat. With a round face and broad nose, and a tumble of curly dark hair. She is still quite beautiful, and obviously more than strong enough to handle the training at the peak, but Thenvunin doesnât recall imagining her this way at all from her description.
  Then again, Half-Demon Prince, the author, hadnât been as typically prone to describing the female charactersâ measurements and âcharmsâ as most writers in the genre. There had been a lot of fanart⊠perhaps the standard interpretation of this character was based more on a popular fanartistâs work, than on all the possibilities contained in her description?
  But then, why should the âprojectâ choose an atypical interpretation, rather than the most common one?
  He supposes that all has to do with how the system even works, and on that front, it has remained entirely silent.
  âTeacher, will this meal do?â Squish asks him. Respectful, but a little distant.
  It suddenly strikes Thenvunin - Squish was Uthvirâs only childhood friend. The protagonist. If he is to survive this ordeal, it seems absolutely paramount that Uthvir not want to kill him.
  âThis meal is fine,â he says, with a dismissive wave of his hand. He focuses intently on Squishâs face. âTell me, how old are you this year?â
  For a moment, heâs almost afraid that the system will tell him that was out-of-character. But it remains silent, and Squishâs expression turns somewhat reluctant.
  âSixteen,â she tells him.
  Sixteen⊠which makes Uthvir fifteen. Three years. Thenvunin has three years to undo Uthvirâs hatred of him. But this also means that Uthvir has already spent two years around the Original Thenerassan. Being bullied, being starved, being beaten, being left out in the cold⊠Thenvunin pales at the thought of all the rampant child abuse. His only, minor consolation is that Thenerassan hadnât liked to dirty his own hands. He had preferred to simply encourage the other disciplesâ bullying, or to dole out punishments that simply resulted in Uthvirâs misfortune, by doing things like handing out complicated assignments too close to curfew. The other Thenerassan had been concerned with appearances, at least, and the reputation of his sect. It was probably the only reason why he hadnât just immediately tossed his poor disciple off the mountain.
  âMy parents have said that they will outright refuse all petitions for my hand until I am twenty,â Squish says, jarring Thenvunin out of his thoughts.
  He blinks at her.
  âSensible of them,â he replies.
  <OOC Restriction Lock Violation. Point deduction, -5.>
  Oh, for-!
  He doesnât bother to ask what that is about, realizing in a rush of nausea that this interaction must seem like he is digging into his studentâs personal business to figure out if he can browbeat her family into handing her over to him. What a sick man the original truly was! He has to fight the urge to clarify things, knowing it will only cost him at the moment.
  How many points do I have left? He wonders.
  He isnât entirely addressing the system, but it answers for him anyway.
  <Current point total: 80>
  Since he got here, heâs only managed to lose pointsâŠ
  Squish stares mildly back at him. He lets out a breath.
  âDo you know where Disciple Uthvir is?â he asks, attempting to sound as neutral as possible. Neutral cannot really be out of character, right? If Thenerassan was always spitting furious every time he mentioned Uthvirâs name, surely the other mentors at the peak would have had to notice?
  Thankfully, that assessment seems correct, as there is no warning or âdingâ.
  Squishâs expression turns wary.
  âTheyâre still doing the tasks you assigned them this morning,â she replies. âTheyâve been working as hard as they can.â
  Thenvunin purses his lips. Scowling, but not at his student; heâs just trying to figure out how he can start to repair things, when one of the most concrete aspects of Thenerassanâs character was his ardent hatred of all things Uthvir.
  âSend them here,â he decides.
  <Warning->
  How can it be OOC? This is entirely self-serving! He argues. If I donât get on Uthvirâs good side, Iâll die horribly. If the original Thenerassan knew that, donât you think heâd start being nicer, too?
  <Beginner Tip: motives attributed solely to the Participant will not be considered in assessments of OOC Lock violations. Participant must also be advised of total points devaluation in the event of Character Identity Compromise. Revealing Participantâs nature as a transplanted outsider to non-Participant individuals within the project will result in Total Project Reset and ejection of all current participants.>
  Thenvunin swallows.
  The food on the lovely tray in front of him makes him slightly nauseous. Squish looks suspicious, but after a moment, she can only nod obediently and leave to go get Uthvir. She looks as though she might say something to him, for a moment. But after a moment passes, she only shakes her head, and then leaves.
  So now he needs to think of something that the original Thenerassan would do, that will put a stop to all these abuses - or at least, begin to - without losing him any further points. He has no idea how difficult it will be to regain points, since he hasnât gained any so far. And that âEasy Modeâ that the system mentioned before seems like the sort of thing he might like to unlock, but heâs definitely not going to do so when it will bring his point total remotely close to 'zero'.
  By the time Uthvir shows up, the food has gone cold, but Thenvunin thinks he might have happened on a solution. He has moved from his rest bed to his desk, unable to sit still. But he finds himself somewhat frozen again when he finally sees them.
  Uthvir.
  The terrible demonic tyrant who will eventually slaughter hundreds. Who will build a massive harem of beautiful lovers, all vying for their affections. The sharp, dangerous, deadly protagonist of âImmortal Demon Wayâ.
  âŠBut, theyâre just a child.
  Or a teenager, but Thenvuninâs a legal adult and feels very adult compared to the tiny figure who walks into his chambers. Theyâve cut their hair, he notes. He forgets what age they did that at in the story, but thinking on it, it probably wasnât long after they arrived on the peak. Their uniform is ill-fitting but clean, pulled from standard storage. They have large, red eyes, and soft features. Really, they look younger than fifteen.
  But what catches most of his attention is the large blemish on the top of their cheek, and the ugly cut at the corner of their jaw.
  Thenvunin stares at them while they shift in place. Waiting to see what kind of torment he has in store for them, no doubt.
  I canât do this. How can I be cruel to a child?
  <Warning: Impending Out of Character Behaviour Alert.>
  After a moment, Thenvunin clears his throat, and reminds himself of his plan. He makes certain his features retain a cold look, with great effort, as he reaches into a pocket of his robes, and retrieves a little jar of healing salve that the healer left with him. Uthvirâs wary expression does not abate as he tosses it to them; but with their reflexes, of course they catch it.
  âIt is disgraceful for one of my disciples to go around looking like that,â he declares, lifting his chin and pursing his lips to keep from saying anything else. Poor thing, poor thing, oh you poor little thing⊠âFrom now on, there will be no more transgressions to call my good character and teaching into question.â
  Uthvir seems to pale at his assertions.
  âTeacher,â they say, hurriedly. âPlease donât turn me out. I swear, I will not - I will not provoke them anymore. I know I have been slow at learning how not to, but I think I have made progress... I will redouble my efforts! Please, I have nowhere else to go...â
  Thenvunin frowns at their fright, before realizing that Uthvir does not recognize what the healing salve is; they probably think heâs conjuring up an excuse to kick them out of the sect. But even Thenerassan couldnât really do that - despite his best efforts, Uthvirâs acceptance onto the mountain was the doing of ManaâDin, the Peak Leader.
  âDonât be foolish,â he snaps, and they fall immediately silent. âDo you not even know what a healing salve looks like?â
  The OOC Warning remains mercifully silent, but Thenvunin feels like he is dying on the inside.
  Uthvir stares uncomprehendingly down at the little jar he gave them.
  âThis⊠is healing salve?â
  They donât even know what it looks like! I can smell it from here, but theyâre clueless?! Theyâve never seen it before?!
  Come to that, Thenvunin hadnât seen it before, either. But apparently he still has some sense memories from the Original⊠which would also explain why his coordination isnât completely shot, even if he still feels like a ghost sitting in someone elseâs body.
  Uthvir doesnât have the excuse of transporting themselves between worlds, though. They should know what a salve smells like even better than he does. Or they would, if Half-Demon Prince hadnât given them such a reprehensibly deprived childhood. The realization makes his heart crack in half.
  âI expect you to use it,â he says.
  He braces himselfâŠ
  At the ominous âdingâ in his mind he nearly dies inside; but to his surprise, the systemâs tone isnât its usual âpoints deductedâ one. It takes him a moment to really register what itâs saying.
  <Congratulations! Points toward Achievement: Character Development earned, +10.>
  ...How many points do I need to get the achievement?
  <Beginnerâs Tip: Achievements are unlocked at 100 points gained, determined from the moment achievement challenge is set..>
  Thatâs⊠thatâs not so bad, actually. Thenvunin would almost feel good about it, if he hadnât just been unreasonably cold and cruel to an injured teenager.
   ...He's going to have to do this at least ten more times. He takes it back, this is terrible.
  But Uthvir looks uncomprehendingly at the salve for a moment longer. Before they seem to remember that theyâre in the same room as their villainous instructor, and then quickly drop into a bow.
  âThank you, Teacher,â they say.
  âHmph,â Thenvunin replies. âYou can go.â
  Uthvir doesnât waste any time in getting away, probably grateful to escape without having something unpleasant happen to them. Once theyâre gone, Thenvunin drops back onto his bed, and puts his face into his hands. His shoulders shake, as tears begin to form in his eyes, and spill through the cracks of his fingers.
  Itâs just a story, he tells himself. Even if itâs different to experience it firsthand, all these people are just characters in a book. Itâs not really real.
  Is it?
~
Thenvunin manages to knock his point totals down to 65 before he finally begins to feel confident in manipulating the OOC Locks. Though he still hasnât managed to earn any new points, heâs figured out some things about the system, and how they seem to be lost.
 For one thing, witnesses are required. Thenvunin can do any number of out-of-character things in private, but the system will only notify him of a âdingâ if thereâs someone present to see it. Which is a good thing, because Thenvunin finds himself breaking down in private quite a bit. The system will also generally warn him if thereâs someone liable to witness his out-of-character moments - and whatever else might be said, he does appreciate that. Particularly when heâs been weeping in his rooms, and one of his disciples or another immortal from the peak is on their way to find him.
 Itâs not that heâs thoroughly miserable, though. Itâs just a lot to take in.
 Quiet Peak is a really beautiful place. Thenvunin doesnât think heâs ever been anywhere so lovely before in his life. The peak is situated in a long chain of mystical mountains, and is one of several sacred peaks where spiritualists who have achieved immortality live and congregate. Itâs a place replete with nature. Thenvuninâs home is one of several small buildings - almost a village unto itself - situated around a large main temple. Itâs summer when he arrives, so the air is clear and warm, with the occasional cool breeze whirling its way around the mountain paths. Lots of small animals fill up the natural spaces of the area. Birds and rodents, foxes and stranger, more fantastical creatures from Half-Demon Princeâs imagination, like Phantom Lemurs and wolves made of branches and vines, held together by ambient nature energy.
 To a normal person, some of the animals would probably be quite dangerous. But Thenvuninâs body, as he ascertains, is more than just fit and healthy. He seems to have all the supernatural powers of the immortals in the story. Along with a mystical sword that the original Thenerassed would have pulled from the peak, a blade that was manifested from his own innate energies.
 Thenerassan - or rather, Half-Demon Prince - had called the blade âSwanâs Graceâ. Itâs one decision of the old Thenerassanâs that Thenvunin doesnât mind. The name seems to suit the sword, which rests easily in his grasp, even though heâs never held a sword before in his life. Itâs a beautiful thing. Pale and elegant, with a white handle, and a purple tassel tied with enchanted beads that help bolster spiritual energy.
 Itâs one thing for Thenvunin to know that his body seems to remember how to do some things, though, and another for him to really feel comfortable doing them. The more Thenvunin thinks about upcoming events, the more he finds himself sweating under his collar. There are battles to be fought. Actual battles. Situations where making even the tiniest slip-up could result in death. Thenvunin doesnât think itâs enough to simply rely on his reflexes, reflexes canât provide strategies or help him think his way through more complicated situations, or really decide how to apply the skills that he - apparently - now has.
 So, when the Peak Leader, ManaâDin, comes to investigate his ârecoveryâ from his mysterious illness, Thenvunin doesnât waste much time before requesting access to some of the secluded mountain caves that are used for those attempting higher levels of cultivation. Or attempting to regain spiritual equilibrium. He remembers the caves from the books; they were frequently mentioned, and Uthvir even retreated to them on occasion, when a difficult battle had depleted their strength.
 ManaâDin is, like Squish, quite different from what Thenvunin had expected, but still well within the bounds of her character description. The Peak Leader is a petite woman, dark-skinned and placid in her countenance. She wears a white half-mask, and an elegant white robe, and regards Thenvunin with what seems to be genuine concern. Almost immediately, he likes her. Though sensing the amount of energy contained within her aura is somewhat disconcerting; Peak Leaders are very strong, of course. ManaâDin is no exception.
 In the original story, she was yet another character who died at Uthvirâs hands. Though, more tragically than the original Thenerassan. Uthvir had challenged her for control of the peak. ManaâDin had fought gallantly, but in the end, after all that had led to that moment, the peakâs forces were so weakened that she was no match for a full-powered and determined Uthvir. She as one of the few female characters in the story who actually died, rather than simply falling into Uthvirâs harem after being defeated. Some readers had been quite unhappy about that.
 As he invites her to take his morning tea with him, Thenvunin feels another pang of inexplicable guilt. The original Thenerassanâs machinations were a huge component to the weakening of the peak - and to ManaâDinâs inevitable downfall.
 âVenavismi told me about your collapse. I came to check on you while you were still unconscious. Forgive me, I would have come to check as soon as you woke, but preparations in the valley took longer than expected.â
 Preparations in the�
 Oh! Thenvuninâs pleased to realize that he actually knows what ManaâDin is referring to. The tournament, still scheduled a few years from now, will take place in the valley south of Quiet Peak. Because of the potential dangers of the event, the Peak Lords themselves oversee all the preparations, creating shields and checking the security, and making certain that all possible precautions can be taken. Itâs a long endeavour, which is why tournaments are not held more frequently. As an expert in placing barriers, ManaâDinâs skills in particular would be required.
 The thought of how badly the tournament still goes puts another twinge of guilt in Thenvunin. He has to bite his tongue to keep from mentioning that extra security will most definitely be needed.
 âAre things going well?â he asks, instead.
ManaâDin waves dismissively.
 âOf course,â she says. âIâm more concerned over you. I donât know whether itâs good news or bad news that the healers seem baffled by whatâs happened. Do you think it was some sort of attack?â
 Thenvunin clears his throat, and shakes his head.
 âIt did not seem that way to me, though it was⊠disconcerting,â he replies. Lifting his tea cup, he takes a slow sip. The warm liquid helps to settle his nerves a little, as he prepares his rehearsed lines. âMy concern is for the equilibrium of my internal energies. Healers may not notice everything on such a front. If my leader is willing, I would like to retreat to the Secluded Caves, to better attune myself to what may be going on within my body.â
 He braces himself. But fortunately, Thenerassan had generally worn a mask of courtesy around his leader; there is no âdingâ.
 ManaâDin makes a contemplative sound, and then inclines her head.
 âIf you think that would help, then certainly,â she says. âI will gladly open the caves to you. But do you think there is a chance you could unbalance your energies? You should not be left to go alone, in that case.â
 ManaâDin is blunt. Thenerassan would have taken offense at the implication that he could unbalance his own energies via meditation, but Thenvunin can only see genuine concern in her expression. Spiritual unbalancing is very dangerous. It can lead to explosive and self-destructive behaviour, as well as lashing out. Left unchecked, it can, as he recalls, cause madness, permanently damage an immortalâs abilities, or even lead to death. And while the original Thenerassan may have been an immortal of indeterminate age, who was very accustomed to cultivating his internal energies, Thenvunin himself is⊠not.
 However, his inexperience could be glaringly obvious to any witnesses who see him try to practice. And if people start to become suspicious, then it could lead to his discovery as an intruder, and then the dreaded âproject resetâ.
 Thenvuninâs not sure what the bigger risk is. He hesitates.
 ManaâDin seems to read his silence as offense. She lifts a hand.
 âPlease donât mistake my concern for doubt. This is a mysterious situation, so, taking some exceptional precautions may be wise,â she tells him. When Thenvunin hesitates again, she purses her lips, and taps the side of her teacup. âPerhaps a compromise? There are certain segments of the cave system that are more open than others. Many of Battle Peakâs disciples are currently using them in early preparation for the tournament. In the event of some calamity, being in that system would probably make it easier to find help, rather than simply using the more traditional caves allotted to our peakâŠâ
 The original Thenerassan would have found such a suggestion offensive, Thenvunin thinks again. But would he have protested to his leader? Complaining might seem uglier than just capitulating, or even taking advantage of the situation. Something niggles at the back of his memory. Something about Thenerassan and the caves and Battle Peak⊠but he doesnât have a lot of time to dwell on it, as ManaâDin looks at him expectantly.
 He puts on a tight smile.
 âI suppose, under the circumstances, that would be reasonable,â he concedes.
 ManaâDin relaxes a little, and offers him a more genuine smile in return.
 âThatâs a relief. Iâll worry a little less, now,â she approves. Nothing dings. Thenvunin lets out a silent breath, and sips more of his tea.
 Really, Thenvunin canât help but think. How did it escape your notice that the original Thenerassan wouldnât have been worth worrying about to begin with?
 He doesnât ask that out loud, though, of course. Despite his repugnant nature, the original Thenerassan currently retains a spotless reputation, marred only by occasion rumours of his âharshâ teaching methods. And that reputation is currently very useful to Thenvunin, who is not looking to ruin it by being an actual child-abusing monster. Even if the system is making that challenging for him.
 ManaâDin tells him he can set out for the caves in a few daysâ time, after she has established things with Battle Peak. Thatâs a good development, he thinks, but it still leaves the matter of Uthvir up in the air.
 While Thenvunin has been doing what he can to try and mitigate the bullying going on, itâs an uphill battle with the OOC Locks tying his hands. The original Thenerassan had a lot of disciples, though, as Thenvunin recalls, most of them will die as cannon fodder during the tournament. The thought makes him sick to his stomach. Even if theyâre mostly a gang of bullies, barring Squish and Uthvir, theyâre still children. Well, teenagers. And theyâre following the lead set for them by their teacher. Thenvunin is a bit lost at sea on what to do about it all. However, he knows for certain that if he leaves things just as they are, with the senior disciples in charge, it wonât go well for Uthvir.
 The trouble is figuring out how he can mitigate that without breaking character.
 Heâs still turning the matter over in his thoughts later the same day, when he finally decides that, caves or no, he needs to get some practice in.
 Despite his lingering troubles with adjusting to having a totally new body, the fact that he actually has energy and a shocking absence of pain keeps making him antsy. All the beautiful nature around him, the strength in his limbs, the air in his lungs, it makes him want to do things. His fingers itch to see what the sword at his belt can do. His heart speeds up at the thought of actually being a warrior, a guardian, someone who can fight and protect people and be gallant and strong. The giddiness he feels over it is even enough to push back his worries about dying, and he finds he doesnât feel any guilt at all in basically stealing all of these things from the original Thenerassan.
 With all that in mind, Thenvunin sets out before evening to find a more secluded spot on the mountain. He has to travel for a while to do it, heading down and into the woods, with Swanâs Grace on his person. The sword feels light, and he finds he often notices its absence more than its presence. He wears green robes that blend in with the pale leaves of the willowy trees that grown in the region, and passes over a woodland stream, before finally finding a good spot.
 After triple-checking to make certain that heâs alone, Thenvunin draws his sword, and takes a deep breath.
 He swings it.
 It slices elegantly through the air.
 Another swing. His body remembers motions that Thenvunin has never made before, and after a few more attempts, he finds himself falling into patterns that feel natural. Sword-fighting forms. He pays attention to the way his body moves, or tries to. But itâs exhilarating enough that he soon finds himself distracted by the sheer joy of it all. Swanâs Grace sings, metal through wind, and as his spirits rise Thenvunin finds flurries of air whip up around him. The original Thenerassan was strongly attuned to the wind element. It seems Thenvunin is, too, as the gusts of wind follow his movements, and make the fallen leaves around him dance.
 He is so enraptured, he never even notices the tiny figure who stumbles upon him. Arms burdened with firewood, eyes wide as they see their teacher practicing his forms.
  ~
  Uthvir freezes in place and stares dumbfounded for a moment.
 They have seen Master Thenerassan demonstrate techniques before, of course, but such demonstrations have tended to be very simple and mechanical so far. Put your feet here, hold your practice sword like this, sit this way, donât move like that, and so on and so forth. They have yet to actually see their instructor fight - and of course, they still havenât. But as they watch, they feel a sudden insight as to what that might look like, and it seems somehow wholly unexpected.
 If they ever had to guess, Uthvir would never suppose that Master Thenerassanâs techniques were so⊠soâŠ
 Lovely?
 They feel almost like a voyeur, somehow. As if they have stumbled upon the man bathing rather than practicing. The most shocking thing is probably the look on his face, though. From their angle Uthvir can only see part of it, but it seems as if Master Thenerassan is smiling. Smiling as he dances with the wind and strikes out with his sword, moving through forms so complex that Uthvir can only even recognize half of them.
 Something in their chest aches with longing.
 They want to be that graceful, and powerful. They want to be a master who can rely on their own strength.
 They watch, fascinated, until it starts to occur to them that if Master Thenerassan is out practicing in the wilderness by himself, he probably doesnât want to be seen. Maybe there are some secret techniques that heâs doing? Uthvirâs fear of getting in trouble gradually starts to overcome their interest, and they pull back, retreating the same way they came by and being careful to walk in the footprints they already made, to avoid stepping on twigs or crunching leaves. Every once in a while they glance back, unable to help themselves until Thenerassan is finally out of sight. Then they resolutely keep going, as their heart hammers excitedly in their chest.
 They feel as though they have just gotten away with some kind of mischief. Even though, taken at face value, they donât even know what they mischief would qualify as.
 Master Thenerassan could probably enlighten them if he actually caught them, though. And probably assign them even more chores as punishment. Sneering at them from behind his fan.
 Although⊠he seems to be more patient with Uthvir than usual, these days. Maybe Uthvir is actually making fewer mistakes? Theyâve found the thought very heartening, even if the other disciples still seem to hate them as much as ever. Except for Squish, of course. Master Thenerassan gave her a new training manual the other day, and she promised to let Uthvir look at it, too. They were going to go this evening, but then Elandaris cornered them and told them to go find firewood.
 A lot of the older students shirk their chores onto Uthvir. At first, theyâd hoped doing things would be a good way to make friends, but it seems theyâre always doing them wrong. Uthvirâs not entirely clueless, although sometimes it feels as though they are. They like to think that itâs the amnesia at fault. The first thing they can recall in life is running, confused, out into the road in one of the southern cities, and nearly falling straight into Lady ManaâDin. They donât even know how they came by their amnesia; they were first brought to Quiet Peak as a mystery to solve, rather than a disciple to train. The only belonging of any real value that they can claim is the necklace they were wearing at the time Lady ManaâDin found them.
 Uthvir never takes it off. Theyâre deathly afraid of having it stolen. The simple leather cord itâs on is nothing special, but the amber-gold stone, rough and uncut, always feels a little warm against their skin. Lady ManaâDin thinks it might be a Spirit Shard. The only other person theyâve ever shown it to is Squish, and she likes it a lot, too. Uthvir knows sheâd be thrilled if they gave it to her, but they canât bring themselves to part with it. Even if they donât know why, itâs⊠theirs.
 As if drawn to the current of their thoughts, the necklace in question slides out from under their over-sized collar. Uthvir pauses, shifting the firewood in their arms so that they can reach up and tuck it away again.
 âHey!â
 They look up, startled, at the sound of an unwelcome voice.
 Elandaris!
 Hastily, Uthvir finishes shoving their treasure away again, and takes a wary step backwards. They nearly lose their balance, burdened with the firewood in their arms. Elandaris seems to be alone; they donât know if thatâs a good thing or a bad thing.
 âIâve nearly finished,â they say.
 âTook you long enough,â Elandaris replies, marching determinedly towards them. He points at their chest. âWhatâs that?â
 âWhatâs what?â Uthvir asks, playing dumb. âThe branchesâŠ?â
 Before they can react, Elandaris reaches out, whip-fast, and yanks the piece of cord around their neck. Uthvir fumbles and their treasure pops back out of their collar, as their heart speeds up.
 Oh no!
 The older boyâs expression twists in a mix of anger and triumph as he reaches for the spirit shard. Uthvir manages to whirl away in earnest then, though, dropping the firewood theyâre carrying. To their horror, the branches and logs fall directly onto Elandarisâ feet.
 A disciple of Elandarisâ level isnât going to be as fragile as most mortals, so Elandaris is at little risk of having his foot bones broken. But that doesnât mean itâs not still a painful thing to have an armload of wood dropped right onto his shoes.
 âIâm sorry!â Uthvir immediately exclaims. Elandaris reels back, cursing, before his face twists in anger and he lashes out and punches Uthvir clean across the face.
 The force behind the blow is more than enough to send them staggering.
 âYou clumsy oaf!â Elandaris exclaims. âHow dare you! You could have injured my feet. That would set my training back. Are you trying to sabotage me?!â
 âNo!â Uthvir assures him, spreading out their hands. âNo, of course not! I would never! It was an accident, you grabbed me and-â
 âClumsy piece of shit!â Elandaris accuses again. âEither you did that on purpose, or you are a waste of training! Come back here!â
 Uthvirâs attempts to move further away are thwarted by Elandaris grabbing them. They try and counter his grip, but the older student is faster, and pulls at their treasure instead.
 âAnd where did you get this?â he demands.
 âItâs mine!â Uthvir insists, reflexively.
 âYours? Where would you get a spirit shard?â Elandaris demands. âEven a cheap-looking one like this should be beyond the means of a beggarâs child like you. And donât tell me someone gave it to you! I know no one would. You have no coin and you have no friends, so the only answer is that you stole it.â
 âI didnât steal it!â
 Elandaris hits them in punishment. Uthvir knows they shouldnât argue, but this is their treasure. If Elandaris thinks they stole it then heâll take it away.
 âI didnât steal it!â they insist, through the pain. âItâs always been mine, it was found with me, Lady ManaâDin knows!â
 âLiar!â Elandaris accuses. He tugs at the cord, and Uthvir struggles back. A few well-placed kicks send them falling backwards, though. Despite their efforts to train their skills, the extra chores that are always being given to them take up most of the time they would spend practicing. They are behind; they know it. And they donât have much recourse, though their heart lurches in pure alarm as they feel the ties on their leather cord finally give out.
 Elandaris seizes their treasure.
 Uthvir falls down, and trips over the dropped firewood.
 âNo!â they protest, scrambling to get back up. âItâs mine, itâs not-â
 âShut up, you little liar!â Elandaris snaps back, and lands a kick against their stomach. Uthvir grabs his leg, too desperate to back down. They scramble to try and reclaim their necklace. The defiance makes Elandaris even more furious, however, and after a moment they are both rolling through the undergrowth. Uthvir loses track of where their treasure even is, if itâs been dropped or if the older student still has it, as Elandaris gets them pinned and begins pummeling them.
 âHow dare you!â he snarls. âYou sneaky little thief!â
 Uthvir tries to cover their face, finally going purely on the defensive. They brace themselves for the beating.
 But Elandaris only lands a few uncoordinated hits before he suddenly stops; crying out in pain.
 Bewildered, Uthvir risk looking again.
 Elandaris is holding his hands up. But there is a large, crimson gash on the back of one of his wrists.
 âHow did you do that?â he demands, shocked at the sight of his own blood. âDid you stab me?!â
 Uthvir swiftly shakes their head.
 âHow could I?â they ask.
 It must be the wrong thing to say, though, because Elandaris just looks angrier. Like he thinks they must be tricking him. Uthvir only feels confused as he lefts his fists again. They brace themselves, but this time they keep watching. So they see quite clearly as his hands come down, andâŠ
 A leaf.
 A simple leaf, being carried on a swift wind, whips by and slashes Elandarisâ hands again, before he can bring them down to hit. He lets out another cry of pain, and finally scrabbles back off of Uthvir. Bleeding from both hands.
 âWhat are you doing?!â he wails. âYouâve cut me! You wretch! How did you cut me?â
 âItâs not me doing it,â Uthvir tries to explain, raising placating hands. âItâsâŠâ
 The leaves?
 They glance down to the ground, and the two unbroken, perfectly-shaped, but blood-edged leaves lying not too far away. There are techniques that can make even flower petals as sharp as darts, especially in the hands of wind practitioners, Uthvir knows. Theyâve read as much as they can, when theyâre able to. But in that caseâŠ
 Thereâs only one person who could do this sort of thing.
 If Master Thenerassan wanted to stop Elandaris, though, he could simply come and tell him to stop?
 This must be a lesson, then. Or a test. Uthvir curses their own stupidity, as they wonder what the correct response is. They never seem to know the right answer with these things. But if Master Thenerassan doesnât want his presence to be known, then⊠itâs probably better not to tell Elandaris?
 Maybe Elandaris is supposed to figure things out for himself? He is also a student, after all.
 Uthvir remains silent, and the two of them fall into a wary stand-off. After a moment, they push themselves back to their feet.
 âGive me back my treasure,â they demand, helpless to let the matter go.
 Elandarisâ expression twists. He looks down, but then, to Uthvirâs growing dismay, seems to realize that he doesnât still have it.
 âI dropped it,â he tells them. Then he lifts his chin. âWhich is just lucky for you, because if I hadnât Iâd be taking it to Master Thenerassan right now, and youâd be getting kicked off the mountain for thieving.â
 Uthvir balls their fists, but doesnât dare make a move. The corners of their eyes itch.
 âIâm not a thief!â
 For a moment, they think Elandaris is going to try and beat them some more. But thereâs blood still pouring from his cuts, and the sight of it seems to make him hesitate instead. After a tense second, he turns on his heel.
 âYou just wait,â he says. âIâm telling Master Thenerassan all about this anyway, about how you tried to break my feet and bloodied my poor hands. And then thatâll finally be the end of you!â
 On that note, Elandaris races off. Uthvir thinks they would be terrified of his claims, exceptâŠ
 Except, Master Thenerassan must alright know. Mustnât he?
 And he⊠he stopped Elandaris.
 They just feel confused, as they pause and look around. No matter how they search, though, they canât seem to see their teacher anywhere. They give up looking for him after a minute - if he doesnât want to be found, they donât suppose they stand much of a chance - and instead start searching for the necklace. Their ribs and stomach and face all hurt from Elandarisâ blows, but they canât just leave it behind. They try and retrace things, but even though they search high and low, pulling aside plants and checking around stumps, and even looking in spots that seem unlikely places, they canât find it before the sun begins to set.
 Their treasureâŠ
 Uthvir is so disconsolate, they finally slump on the ground, and let a few tears escape.
 âI lost it,â they whisper. âIâm so sorryâŠâ
 They arenât even sure who theyâre apologizing to. The words just seem to fly out on their own. They take a minute to cry, holding themselves upright on shaky limbs. Before they finally sigh, and resign themselves to the truth. They still have to bring the firewood back. And now that theyâve lost so much time, theyâll probably have to spend all of tomorrow making up the difference on their chores. The ones they canât do in the dark, anyway. They sniffle, and brush off their cheeks. Trying to dry their eyes as they finally pick up the dropped firewood, and then stagger back towards the mountain path.
 Into their pockets, they tuck a pair of blood-stained leaves.
  ~
  Thenvunin feels like he must be the worst person in the world.
 He had been surprised when his practice had been interrupted by voices. Raised in argument, by the sounds of it. For half a second he was irrationally afraid that he had been caught, and that something about his practice had been so inherently wrong that he was on the verge of being discovered. But then heâd realized the voices were further off than that. And then heâd recognized them, too.
 Uthvir and⊠Elandaris.
 Oh no.
 As he hurried over, Thenvunin found himself recollecting the scene he was encountering. If it was the one he suspected, anyway. The one where Elandaris stole Uthvirâs precious necklace, the only remnant of their forgotten, tragic past. The one item that could still bring warmth to their cold heart, even when they were at the height of their dark ways.
 In the original story, Uthvir had eventually regained the necklace when Elandaris died in the tournament.
 Thenvunin watches as the two students struggle through the undergrowth, though, and sees the necklace in question stuck in the middle of a nearby fern. From his angle itâs quite clearly visible. The golden shard is a bright bit of light in the dark green foliage. Most of his attention is soon caught by the fight, however, and his first impulse merits several insistent warnings from the system.
 Thenvuninâs fists clench and unclench. Thenerassan wouldnât have stopped Uthvirâs mistreatment.
 System, how many points will I lose for just marching out there and stopping it anyway?
 <Assessing factors⊠likely point deduction is 40.>
 What?! 40 points? He only has sixty-five as it is! That would⊠that would put him so close to complete failureâŠ
 His mouth goes dry. Is he really just going to stand here and watch this happen?
 No. No, there has to be a way to interfere. Even if he canât stop it directly, there must be something he can do. He thinks. Thereâs a technique, he remembers. It was one of the cooler things about the original Thenerassan, in with all his depravity and scumbag qualities. Precision was something he was actually good at. He could whip around tiny things with enough speed and subtlety to make even the most innocuous strips of paper or blades of grass into weapons.
 Of course, the original had mostly used this to inflict secret torments on Uthvir. Thenvunin can only hope it will work in reverse, as he plucks a leaf from a nearby tree. Keeping out of sight, he lifts the leaf to mouth, and blows. The first attempt goes wide of the mark, though. Drawing in a determined breath, Thenvunin grabs another one, and tries again. As Elandaris raises his fists, Thenvunin focuses precisely on where he wants the wind to carry the leaf. He feels the energy in his body, and the energy in the world around himself. And just like that, it feels as if he is remembering how to do something, rather than learning it for the first time.
 The leaf slashes Elandaris.
 Thenvunin is a little shocked at how much blood it draws. His bullying disciple pales, shocked in turn at the sudden blow.
 Even so, Thenvunin doesnât hesitate to send the second leaf. Uthvir looks as though theyâve been through the wringer. Elandaris finally backs off at that, but Thenvunin frowns deeply at his tirade. Already wondering how to manage that upcoming situation. He thinks he can handle it, though, so long as he focuses on Elandarisâ own misconduct. After all, the original Thenerassan would have known that Uthvir had some possessions, and that accusing them of stealing such things wouldnât hold any water. He probably just would have been annoyed that Elandaris was wasting his time with information that he couldnât use.
 But then he hears an ominous ding.
 <OOC Restriction Lock Violation. Point deduction, -20.>
 What?! But - but, how? It was only a couple of leaves! Neither Uthvir nor Elandaris could possibly know who sent them!
 System, I object! Thereâs no way that should have counted towards a deduction!
 <Assessment accuracy is at 100%.>
 But no one even knows it was me!
 <Assessment accuract is at 100%.>
 Thenvunin feels sick. 45. Heâs down to 45 points now, and all heâs earned so far is 10. This is a nightmare! He keeps still, fretting over having less than half his starting points, as Uthvir begins to search around for their lost treasure. It takes him a few minutes to even register what theyâre doing. And when he does, he feels another lurch in his gut.
 There, he thinks at them. Keeping his hiding place, yet trying, at the same time, to mentally project some knowledge of the necklaceâs location towards them. Itâs right there! Look over there, Uthvir, come on, you can find it!
 He could just pick it up and give it to them. But he absolutely canât, he knows. The thought of losing any more points right now just makes him feel sick to his stomach. So instead he stays locked in place, while he watches Uthvir search and search, their bruises purpling from where Elandaris hit them. Do they still have healing salve left? He tries to think of ways he could get them more, at least, to keep from cracking and doing something impossibly foolish. But he feels as if he is on the verge of it anyway, when Uthvir drops to the ground and begins to cry.
 Oh, no! Thenvunin thinks, swallowing hard as his own vision goes a little blurry. Oh, no, Uthvir, itâs alright, it will be alrightâŠ
 He doesnât know how he manages to withstand it, until Uthvir finally gathers up the firewood, and limps off alone.
 Itâs only when theyâre gone that he moves himself. Walking quietly over to the fern, and plucking the spirit shard necklace up from where it had been dropped.
 <Congratulations! A pivotal scene has been completed. Important Item: Uthvirâs Treasure has been obtained. +100 points awarded. Achievement: Character Development has been obtained! OOC Restriction Lock has been removed.>
 Thenvunin is so struck by relief at the sudden, unexpected points gain, that he almost doesnât notice the necklace vanishing from his hands. But an object just vanishing is actually strange enough that it almost immediately distracts him from the bizarre rush of success.
 Wait, system! He protests. Where did it go?
 He has to get that back to Uthvir, somehow!
 <Beginnerâs Tip: Important Items may be stored within the system until Participant decides to use them.>
 Thenvunin blinks.
 So⊠you have the necklace?
 Thereâs no answer, but that seems to be the correct assumption.
 System, could you please give it back?
 Heâs thinking he might just be able to sneak it back into Uthvirâs possession, somehow, before he gets a response.
 <Using an Important Item at this juncture will cost 100 points. Would you like to use Item: Uthvirâs Treasure?>
 What?! Thenvunin draws in a ragged breath, and then lets out it again. He lifts up a hand to rub at his face. What sort of system even is this? He only just earned those points! And without them heâll be down to less than half again. And will it undo his achievement? He⊠he canâtâŠ
 He swallows.
 âŠNo, he finally answers the system. He can work this out. Heâll get Uthvir their treasure back, itâll just⊠take a bit longer than expected. All he has to do is earn enough points to feel comfortable, and then he can spare the 100 points needed to return it. And in the meanwhile, he can focus on making things better for them, now that he can actually act with some freedom. Heâll make it up to them later, he vows.
 âŠSomehow.
 The situation still seems bittersweet somehow, as he finally dusts himself off, and makes his own way back.
~
It wouldnât be inaccurate to say that the loss of their treasure leaves Uthvir disconsolate.
 When they get back, they canât even bring themselves to tell Squish. She just thinks Elandaris was picking on them again, and it takes a lot of effort for Uthvir to convince her not to go try and break his knees. But theyâre already in enough trouble as it stands, and Elandaris has a lot more influence with Master Thenerassan than either Squish or Uthvir. ThoughâŠ
 In light of what happened with the leaves, Uthvirâs not sure what to make of the situation anymore.
 Master Thenerassan doesnât like them. Theyâve known that since their first week of training, when he more or less told them so. Most of the disciples at the peak come from good families. Quiet Peak is very well-respected, and the potential to ascend to immortality and prominence is enough to catch a lot of peopleâs interest. Of course, not everyone has the aptitude or discipline for it. Even a prince wouldnât be able to join the sect if he lacked the potential for training. But while Quiet Peak looks after its residents, serving the region also doesnât exactly pay well. So all things considered, most of the applicants who get accepted come from families who have enough affluence to spare them, enough connections to actually get them there, and who also have the potential needed to be considered for training to begin with.
 Sometimes, though, masters who are out on trips will cross paths with individuals who seem to have very noteworthy potential. These people can be of all sorts of backgrounds; what matters is just that they have the makings of a good disciple. According to the tenets of Quiet Peakâs sect, there shouldnât be any discrimination of people based on where they came from originally. Once someone sets themselves to the path of ascension, then, oneâs place along that path is more pivotal to rank and influence than their birthrights or privileges.
 Thatâs not really how it works, though. Uthvir is one of only a few disciples with a poor background, and the only one serving Master Thenerassan. When ManaâDin had decided to offer them a place on the peak as a student, Master Thenerassan had warned Uthvir not to expect that the idealism of the tenets would shield them from reality - that someone like them, regardless of their spiritual potential, was a pity case. A servant more than a disciple, not somebody who could actually learn and achieve full mastery someday.
 Uthvir wants to, though. Even if itâs unrealistic, even if itâs impossible, they want to be strong. They canât help but think of what they saw in the trees, before they ran into Elandaris. Master Thenerassan, moving with the wind.
 A knock on their door startles them out of their thoughts. Their arrival at the temple was unexpected, so, when they were first set up they were given an old wood shed for a room. Lady ManaâDin told them it was temporary, but theyâve been there ever since. Uthvir actually likes it, though. The thought of sleeping in the barracks, with the other disciples, makes them feel cold dread down their spine. Even if it was the same barracks as Squish, theyâd probably never sleep soundly again.
 When they call out to the knock, itâs Squish who opens the door. Uthvir relaxes a little, seeing their friend coming in with some clean bandages over one arm, and a lantern in one hand.
 âItâs late,â they say.
 Squish hangs the lantern up on the hook by the door, and shakes her head.
 âI only brought a few things,â she says. âI wonât get in trouble, itâs Venavismi whoâs on the evening watch tonight and heâs a soft touch.â
 Uthvir swallows, but canât really find the energy to argue. They cause a lot of trouble for Squish. She doesnât say so, but the others have told them often enough. Even Master Thenerassan has said so.
 âHere,â Squish says, handing them the bandages. âDo you still have that jar of salve?â
 Uthvir reaches under their blanket, and grabs the little jar to confirm it.
 Another strange thing, they think. Master Thenerassan is often scolding them for not meeting standards, but he doesnât usually give them the means to do so, either. The salve is really good, too. Uthvir has to fight the temptation to use it all up, rationing themselves and making sure to cover up any injuries that would be visible, first. But it feels warm and smells spicy, and makes the aches fade away. Squish takes the jar from them, which has them frowning.
 âDonât use it all,â they warn.
 âIâll use just enough,â Squish assures them, and then sets about helping them tend their wounds.
 Itâs always been like this. When Uthvir first came to the peak, Squish looked at them like sheâd seen a ghost. But then afterwards, she was always helping them. Even when other people were very clear that everything Uthvir did was wrong, Squish never turned away or stuck up her nose. They could only conclude that she was the kindest person in the world.
 That made them think on the strangeness of Master Thenerassanâs behaviour again, though. So far as Uthvir could tell, no one had really changed their attitude towards them since they had arrived at the peak. Lady ManaâDin was kind, like Squish, but she also very busy. She said hello to Uthvir whenever she saw them - which wasnât often. The other disciples were either indifferent to Uthvir, or else actively disliked them. Master Thenerassan despaired of them ever showing any talent, and was just waiting for them to make the final, crucial error that would finally let him get rid of them.
 So why had he given them the salve? Maybe he really was just sick of looking at Uthvirâs bruises and thinking they were an embarrassment. What was going on with the leaves, though? And come to think of it⊠there have been other things, too. The past while he hasnât given Uthvir any chores to do. The other disciples have, but not Master Thenerassan. He hasnât snapped or snarled at them for a while, either, or boxed their ears for speaking out of turn.
 Itâs nothing really big - but itâs why Uthvir has been hopeful that theyâve been doing better.
 So⊠have they?
 Are things different because theyâre finally getting some stuff right for a change?
 The only trouble Uthvir can find with that thought, is that they donât think theyâve been doing anything differently. It makes them anxious not to know what they might have done right, because if they canât figure it out, then how can they keep doing it?
 âSquish,â they ask, as she carefully applies a thin layer of salve to their bruised cheek. The tip of her tongue is pressing out, just a little bit, as she concentrates.
 âHmm?â
 âHave you noticed anything⊠different, about Master Thenerassan lately?â
 Squish pauses for a moment, frowning a little. She doesnât like their chief instructor. Uthvir knows that, although she wonât tell them why. Theyâre almost expecting her to just tell them that she doesnât want to talk about âthat manâ, like usual.
 After a moment, though, her brow furrows a little bit.
 âI have, actually. He seems lessâŠâ she trails off, and makes a face like sheâs trying to think of a term suitable for a student referring to their teacher.
 This is a frequent problem whenever Squish talks about Master Thenerassan.
 âShit?â Uthvir suggests.
 Mostly to make her laugh. Theyâre just in the wood shed, after all.
 And it works! Squish snorts, and grins a little. Then she seems to think about it, as she goes back to applying the salve, and shakes her head.
 âDonât say that where the others can hear. Disparaging our âillustriousâ teacher will just get us into trouble,â she warns.
 âI know,â Uthvir says, quietly. âI was just joking. Itâs a great honour to serve someone like Master Thenerassan.â
 Squish snorts again.
 âDonât say that, either. It makes me want to point out all of his failings instead.â Switching to their other side, she starts rubbing some salve onto the bruises there. Uthvir holds still, and fights back a wince whenever her fingers brush over and especially sensitive spot.
 âLazy,â she mutters. âInsincere. Vain. He barely teaches, I donât think he can take credit for the success of any of his students, even partially. He just treats us like servants, unless someone else is watching. I wish heâd fall off the peak so someone else would have to take us on instead.â
 âSquish!â Uthvir protests. âThatâs ungrateful!â
 She gives them a flat look.
 âIâm incredibly ungrateful for him,â she confirms. Uthvir wants to laugh, although they know they shouldnât. Itâs mostly her tone. Well, that, and the little voice inside their head that whispers that theyâve never liked Master Thenerassan very much either.
 They used to. When they first arrived they thought he was magnificent. Regal and handsome, like a portrait of everything a master of Quiet Peak should be. That impression lasted for about five minutes.
 Then he opened his mouth.
 âBut,â Squish says, tugging their shirt open to get at the bruises on their chest and stomach. Uthvir tries to stop her - theyâll waste salve - but she just bats their hands away and starts applying it anyhow. âYouâre right. He does seem different, this past little while.â
 Hmm.
 So if Squish has noticed it, too, then maybe itâs not that Uthvir has actually gotten better at things?
 âDo you think he had a revelation?â they wonder.
 Their friend shrugs.
 âI donât know. I heard he fell down and hit his head. Maybe itâs a miraculous head bump situation, like in some stories? Something knocked a negative block out of his skull thatâs gone unnoticed for decades, and now heâs finally able to channel ânicenessâ again,â she jokes.
 Uthvir gives that prospect some serious consideration, though. It might not be as silly as sheâs making it sound. Oh, it wouldnât be exactly that, obviously. But what studying Uthvir has done has taught them that spiritual energy can behave in really unpredictable ways. If it didnât, then it would be a lot simpler for people to train and deliberately control it, cultivating it at a steady and consistent rate throughout all individuals. It would be like working with uniformly sized blocks, always knowing the measurements and therefore knowing how many you need in order to build what you want. But instead, itâs like growing a forest full of trees. You can know what kind of seeds youâre putting down, can try and get the trees to grow in certain ways, but in the end, no two forests will ever grow exactly the same.
 And Uthvir has overheard a lot of stories, from everywhere around the peak, really. Things can get very quiet, so gossip is inevitable. One of the favourite topics of all the disciples tends to be stories about bizarre things that have happened to people during training, cultivation, meditation, or combat.
 There are a lot of stories about people whose erratic behaviour, odd quirks, or particular training struggles turned out to be the cause of some kind of spiritual block that was literally âknocked looseâ by something hitting them, or by them falling over, or getting struck by accident. Probably the most popular story is the tale of one ancient master who fell down the temple stairs and nearly doubled his spiritual potency.
 Uthvir thinks that one might be a dirty joke in disguise, though. There are a lot of references to âbouncing all the way dayâ in a pointed fashion that tends to provoke giggles. They think itâs a pretty tame dirty joke, in that case - but thatâs beside the point. Many of the stories sound like theyâre supposed to be true, even if some of them are just rumours or have all the facts jumbled up.
 â...Do you think that really could have happened, though?â they ask Squish.
 She pauses. At first she looks like sheâs going to just say âno, of course notâ, and laugh. But then her face scrunches up, as the same thought process seems to occur to her.
 âStranger things have been known to occur,â she finally concludes.
 The whole idea makes Uthvir feel strangely hopeful, and also a little bad. Has Master Thenerassan been having difficulties this whole time, then? And no one noticed? Thatâs sad. Now that Uthvir thinks about it, though, it doesnât seem like very many people are close to Master Thenerassan.
 Squish finishes up, and puts some bandages over the salve to keep it from wiping off while they sleep. Uthvir offers to walk her back to her barracks but she waves them off, and only takes the lantern with her as she finally has to go. Uthvir lets out a long breath, finally feeling the aches from their beating subside; but also keenly feeling the absence of their treasure, and its usual, subtle warmth.
 Their blanket feels cold as they settle down. They stare at the moonlight through the cracks in the wood shed door, and think it might just be easier to puzzle over the ineffable ways of their teacher, rather than dwelling on the bitter sense of loss.
  ~
  The next day proves to be a very strange one for Uthvir.
 They wake up late. Which alarms them; they must have overslept, and they have so many chores still to do, theyâre bewildered and at a loss that no one kicked open their door and dragged them out to get them. The possible reasons for why that might not have happened arenât heartening; is Master Thenerassan going to declare that theyâve been neglecting their duties, and finally kick them out?
 Is that why no one woke them? Because thereâd be no point?
 Or are they going to get punished for being lazy and sleeping half the day away?
 They hurry out, hastily securing their outer tunic, before they make themselves stop and tie their belt correctly. They canât afford any more mistakes today! They think quickly, checking the time to find that itâs past noon, and then pelt towards the kitchens. Calling apologies, only to find themselves turned hastily away from their usual scrubbing jobs - jobs theyâd neglected yesterday, in all the chaos and confusion.
 âItâs alright, Uthvir,â one of the older disciples tell them. Not one of their fellows. Uthvir comes up short, full of dread rather than reassurance, even as she pats their shoulder. âWeâve got it under control. Master Thenerassan sent word not to expect you today.â
 Uthvirâs heart sinks into their stomach.
 Oh no.
 Oh no.
 What if yesterday was a test? And they failed?
 In a flurry of anxieties, they head for the stables next. But again they find themselves turned away; cordially informed not to worry, that they arenât expected. They think they even see Elandaris inside, mucking things out with a black expression on his face. Only for a moment. Then theyâre shooâd away. As they head for the temple steps instead, theyâre getting ready to plead for their life - or, well, their life at the peak at least - when someone calls out to them.
 Uthvir stops, and then drops into a polite-but-rigid bow as they see Young Master Venavismi jogging towards them.
 Venavismi is the youngest of the currently ascended masters at the peak. His duties include guarding the grounds, andâŠ
 âŠAnd escorting unwelcome persons out of the temple.
 Uthvir feels like their doom is cheerfully jogging towards them. Some part of them just wants to run, thinking that this must be it. Theyâre getting kicked out. They donât even know where theyâll go, or what theyâll do. Theyâll end up on the streets, and the other disciples have been very fond of telling them exactly what sorts of things that would entail. Theyâre as stiff as a statue by the time Venavismi catches up with them.
 âHey, Uthvir!â he says, jovially. âYour master wants to see you. Heâs at his studies, but he asked me to keep an eye out for when you got up.â
 Uthvir swallows, and takes a minute to register whatâs actually being said. In specific, they have to blink, and realize that Venavismi isnât talking about escorting them off the mountain.
 âWhat?â the ask. Theyâd been so convinced that disaster was on the way, now that it hasnât come, they arenât sure how to respond.
 âMaster Thenerassan wants to see you,â the older disciple repeats. His expression turns towards worry. âAre you alright, little sibling?â
 âOf course,â they say, and manage another hasty bow. Theyâre still probably in trouble, but maybe⊠maybe if theyâre being talked to, first, then thereâs still a chance to salvage things. âOf course, Iâll go straight away. Thank you, Elder Brother.â
 âNo problem,â Venavismi assures them. He still looks concerned. âHere, let me walk you. Iâm heading that way anyhow.â
 Uthvir canât exactly dissuade him without being rude. They go with him towards Master Thenerassanâs home. At a few points they pass some of Uthvirâs fellow disciples - the dark looks theyâre giving Uthvir seem amplified, and it actually makes them grateful that the guardian is with them. Even if Venavismi likes to make a lot of inane small-talk.
 âSo how are your studies going?â he asks.
 âI am progressing slowly,â Uthvir admits.
 âOh. Well, everyone usually has to go at their own pace. When I was your age, Lady ManaâDin told me that it was better to measure oneâs spiritual progress against their past self, rather than their peers. Look to where you have come from where you started, rather than concerning yourself with how you stack up to the other students.â
 âThat sounds very wise, thank you for the advice,â Uthvir recites politely. Their thoughts are flying all over the place, though, and in truth, they barely hear most of what Venavismi says as he chats at them. All the way past the mountain garden and over the little bridge to the familiar grounds of Master Thenerassanâs home, and then even inside, as Venavismi is the one who knocks and loudly calls out.
 âBrother! I brought your little student!â he says. âAre you still reading?â
 Thereâs a rustling sound from the study.
 âYes, Iâm in here. Send them in, please. Thank you,â Master Thenerassan calls back.
 Venavismi gives Uthvir a pat on the shoulder.
 âThere. Go on,â he encourages.
 They steel themselves, already rehearsing apologies as they make their way into the office.
 The windows are open, Uthvir notes. And the desk has been moved. They can hear some pleasant birdsong, although everything sounds rather ominous to them under the circumstances. Swanâs Grace, Master Thenerassanâs sacred sword, is in its wall stand. Their teacher himself is sitting so that he can face the window; closing some manuals that Uthvir doesnât recognize. A small tray of snacks is resting on the desk. Though most immortals of Master Thenerassanâs calibre donât require food for sustenance anymore, many still eat for the pleasure of it.
 Uthvirâs empty stomach rumbles a little, and they nearly recoil from themselves in horror.
 âSorry!â they blurt.
 Master Thenerassan raises an eyebrow.
 However, to their shock and confusion, he then slides the plate of snacks towards them. Until itâs at the edge of the desk nearest to them.
 âHave you not eaten yet, Uthvir? I didnât think Venavismi would bring you in such a rush. Have some of this, and take a seat,â he instructs.
 Uthvir hesitates.
 Not to be disobedient, but only because they feel like this must be some kind of trap or trick. They wait too long, and they see Master Thenerassanâs smooth expression shift towards something like irritation. Or what they think must be irritation, anyway. Hastily, they do as told, before they can get scolded. They fold themselves down across from his desk, and scoop up one of the sweet powdered rolls from the plate. In such a hurry to obey that they bite into it before they think about manners, and send a scattering of crumbs down their front.
 âSorry,â they say again, through a mouthful.
 Their cheeks burn as they realize their second slip-up.
 But Master Thenerassan just leans forward, and pointedly sets the plate of snacks directly into Uthvirâs lap.
 âThere,â he says. âNo need to get crumbs anywhere, I had my fill of those anyway.â
 Uthvir swallows. Their mouth feels dry with terror and confusion, but asking for a glass of water at this point would be beyond idiocy. They feel like they should refuse the offer, to be obligingly polite and deferential, but Master Thenerassan hasnât really give them room to. He regards them strangely for a moment. Unsure of how to react, they take a more careful bite of the powdered roll, with care to make sure all the crumbs on their shirt land on the plate.
 Master Thenerassan pulls a fan from his sleeve, and opens it. He lets out a long breath, and leans back. It looks as if he might be deciding something. Uthvir canât escape the thought that he is, in fact, deciding their future.
 Their fate.
 âUthvir,â he finally says, after what seems like a small eternity. The sweet roll tastes like ash in their mouth. âI owe you an apology. I have been a negligent instructor.â
 To Uthvir, Thenerassanâs words sound incredibly ominous. Like the beginning of a speech that starts with âI have failed you as a teacherâ and ends with âyou are no longer going to be my studentâ. They swallow, and fight back a cough, and put aside the plate in their lap to drop into the lowest bow they can manage.
 âMaster Thenerassan, please, you are the greatest instructor I could ever ask for!â they say. âIâm sorry I slept in. I didnât mean to. I wonât make excuses, but I would never let it happen again, it wasnât my intention-â
 âUthvir, stop, stop,â Master Thenerassan gently interrupts. They look up to find him motioning at them.
 Warily, Uthvir straightens back up again.
 The smile he gives them makes them feel even more lost at sea.
 âI am not angry with you, Uthvir,â he says, firmly. âYou are not in any trouble. On the contrary, if anyone should be punished, it should be the Master Thenerassan who has taught you these past few years. He has done disgracefully. And so, some things around here are now going to change.â
 Uthvir blinks.
 They are utterly lost. What is going on? What is this leading to? Is it a test? A trap?
 Master Thenerassan looks at them strangely again. Then he sighs, and puts his fan up to hide some of his expression once more.
 âThe other students have been mistreating you,â their teacher asserts.
 Uthvir automatically shakes their head in denial.
 âYes, they have been,â Master Thenerassan says, firmly. Angrily, they think. They swallow and duck their head. Whatâs going on? What are the right answers? For the past few years they havenât ever been a favoured pupil, but they thought that they had at least figured out how to manage certain interactions. There were patterns that they could predict; that made it easier, even if it always seemed to end in something unpleasant for them anyway.
 But now all those patterns are gone.
 âI will not permit it to continue,â Master Thenerassan says.
 Uthvir bites the inside of their cheek, and keep their gaze averted. So are they being sent away, then? To stop it from continuing?
 Another long sigh reaches them.
 â...In a few days, Uthvir, I will be making a personal journey to attend to my health. While I am away, I do not think it would be very wise to leave you disciples under Elandarisâ charge. I know he is the senior among you, and that is ordinarily what I would do, but⊠I, ah. Have been burdening him with too much responsibility.â
 Uthvir blinks. The memory of blood-stained leaves beats through the panic in their mind.
 Tentatively, they look up at their teacher. But Master Thenerassan is holding his fan, still.
 Health? They wonder. Immortals donât really get sick, but there are things that can injure, poison, or otherwise impeded them in ways similar to illnesses. And spiritual ailments can happen too, of course.
 Does this have something to do with his odd behaviour? And his fall? Is⊠were they and Squish actually right?
 But then, Uthvir thinks, maybe heâs going to reverse the process? Maybe he didnât accidentally remove a block. Maybe he just addled his skull a little. They feel guilty for thinking that sort of thing could make an improvement on the man.
 Although⊠maybe Elandaris just did something to make him really angry? Maybe this isnât about Uthvir doing better, but Elandaris doing worse?
 Master Thenerassan carries on, heedless of their thoughts and speculation.
 âObviously, I cannot simply leave the training of my disciples to the wolves for several weeks. But it would be too much to burden any one Sibling of the peak with handling all of you. So I have made arrangements for you all to attend different teachers, while I am gone. They have generously loaned some of their time for this cause. I will tell everyone, of course, but for now you can know that you and Desire will be answering to Master Venavismi while Iâm away.â
 Uthvir blinks.
 Venavismi?
 Thatâs⊠not bad? And theyâre serving with Squish? Master Thenerassan put them together on purpose?
 âOh,â is all they can manage at first, in their surprise. Then they remember their manners, and duck their head. âThank you very much, Teacher.â
 âHm. You should thank Master Venavismi for his time, but donât worry about thanking me,â Master Thenerassan says. âAll you need to do is make sure you go to him and tell him if anyone is bothering you. It is not good for the other disciples to shirk their duties onto you. Chores are distributed throughout the peak as part of training. Every disciple must learn how to balance the necessities of daily life with the pursuit of loftier goals. But right now, things are unbalanced. Uthvir does all of the chores, and barely has time to focus on their spiritual cultivation and practice. The others do none of the chores, and do not build up their characters. So donât think youâre doing them any favours by keeping quiet about their mistreatment towards you.â
 Uthvirâs eyes are wide.
 Again, they flounder. Not knowing what to say. But the habit of thinking that if thereâs a problem, then they must be to blame for it, is an old standby. They immediately start offering apologies again; and rendered uncertain, again, when Master Thenerassan makes them stop that.
 âYou are not in trouble,â their teacher reiterates.
 âBut I⊠hurt their training?â they venture. Isnât that what theyâre getting at?
 Master Thenerassan looks vexed.
 âNo, Uthvir. I am saying that they have hurt your training, as well as their own. And that I have failed you by letting this go on so long,â he declares.
 Uthvir feels like someone just opened up the floor underneath them. They stare blankly ahead, and then blink a few times.
 They⊠he⊠what?
 â...Really?â they venture at last.
 Master Thenerassanâs expression vanishes behind a wave of his fan again.
 âReally,â he says, in a tone that brooks no argument. âBut it falls to me, now, to try and fix this. That will take us some time, I fear. And some things cannot be endured; you can no longer sleep in that filthy wood shed, for starters.â
 âI donât mind it!â Uthvir insists, hastily. Please, no, not the barracksâŠ
 âThe barracks are also unacceptable, in your case,â Master Thenerassan tells them. As if he could read their mind. They wobble in place a little, still missing the floor. Except, bit by bit, theyâre starting to wonder if theyâre floating rather than sinking. If this is a good feeling, rather than a bad one.
 âFortunately, there is a room by my garden that I do not use,â their teacher continues. âIt has its own door to the outside, so there is no need for us to disturb one another. Iâll expect you to have your things moved over there by the end of today. Otherwise, you should focus on your studies until I leave. There will be no more chores until Master Venavismi assigns you some, after I have gone, to try and make up for some of the imbalanced time.â
 Uthvir stares.
 âŠWhat?
 As Master Thenerassan looks back at them expectantly, they remember themselves yet again. Dropping into another hasty bow.
 âThat is too kind!â they insist.
 âI think I have explained why it is not,â Master Thenerassan retorts, quietly. Almost more to himself than to him, they think. Before they can think of how to respond, he motions at them to sit up again, using his fan to gesture. âStop bowing. And finish that plate of food, you are much too malnourished. I have some training manuals for you and Desire, I expect you to give hers to her before I go. Master Venavismi will give you guidance if you need it, but I should still point you in the right direction, so I expect you both to read these manuals while I am goneâŠâ
 Uthvir listens. They really do, even though it also still feels like theyâre floating away in shock and confusion. They sit in Master Thenerassanâs office, and eat sweets, and listen to birds, and are given two crisp new manuals to tuck under their arm, and a key to a room that leads onto Master Thenerassanâs own garden. They try the shed, first, thinking that makes more sense, but no. The key doesnât fit there. Instead it opens a door to a quiet little space that looks like it was originally meant to be a meditation room. Uthvir doesnât know why Master Thenerassan would dislike it enough to not use it; there is a lot of pleasant light and fresh scents from the garden. But someone has put a new bedroll into the corner, along with a chest for keeping clothes in.
 Uthvir leaves in a daze to go and get their things. It doesnât take long, they donât have very much. The little room still seems sparse and empty as they set down their blanket and put away their spare uniform, and use the extra drawers to hold all their training material and their little tin of healing salve.
 Moving their belongings reminds them of whatâs missing from the count of items.
 Itâs a sad thing in with several confusing-but-ostensibly-good things. So Uthvirâs not sure how it works out that they end up sitting on their blanket in a corner of the strange room, with their knees up their chest, crying as quietly as they can.
 And when theyâve finished, they feel tired all over again. Even though they overslept already. Their bones feel hollowed out, and the lack of comforting weight at their neck still seems wrong, but⊠but, as they settle their damp cheeks against their knees, a wave of relief washes over them. It feels the same way that the air does after a storm has broken. And so, with instinctive desire, and a strange sense of balance, they fold themselves into a meditative pose and settle more deliberately into their corner. Closing their eyes as they focus on their breathing, and then on the flow of their spiritual energy.
 Their teacher instructed them to practice.
 Even if nothing else makes sense, Uthvir supposes that this, at least, probably should.
  ~
  Thenvunin canât help but fretting, when the day actually arrives for him to leave and head for the caves.
 It still seems like a good plan. Or maybe just the best he can come up with. But there seem to be endless complications to everything. He had assumed things would get simpler once he wasnât getting âdingedâ by the OOC Lock anymore - and in a sense, that really is a benefit. What heâd failed to consider, though, was that there might still be consequences for acting âstrangelyâ.
 Case in point - the first morning after the lock had worn off, no less than three of the original Thenerassanâs colleagues had asked if he was âfeeling alrightâ. Master Tasallir had looked at him as if he might be having some kind of manic episode, one of the peakâs healers had just âswung byâ to check on the currents of his spiritual energy, and then Uthvir had seemed positively terrified during a simple interview where all he tried to do was fix their bullying issue and move them to a better place to sleep at night.
 He had scared them witless and he didnât even know how.
 They still seem uncertain around him. Thenvunin has been giving them space - and that hasnât been hard, at the end of the day. He has plenty to deal with in trying to wrangle the other disciples at the moment, who are even more confused that their âteacherâ has started behaving differently. At least that makes some sense, though, because Thenvunin isnât particularly trying to be nice to them.
 Oh, heâs not being cruel. But being âtoo niceâ to Squish reads in a way that makes his skin crawl, considering the Original Thenerassanâs ânicenessâ towards her. And as for his bully students, well, obviously thereâs a need to backtrack on some of the damage thatâs been done to their values and discipline. Which means actually punishing them for being vicious little beasts.
 Thenvuninâs never been a teacher. He went to school, once, for about four years when his health was good. Otherwise it was all homeschooling. So he even finds himself pouring through the Original Thenerassanâs notes, not because he thinks it would be a good thing to emulate the man on a lot of things, but because it⊠at least gives him an idea of what heâs working with? And what the general structure of things should maybe look like. Unfortunately, most of the Originalâs notes just read like the diary entries of some kind of madcap social climber. Who has good connections, who has money, who has relatives whoâve ascended, and things like that.
 Otherwise, he didnât seem to bother with a lot of necessary work.
 Thenvunin ends up going to Master Tasallir, who is an ascended scribe and the person in charge of the peakâs records and archives, and mustering up an excuse of losing some of his teaching materials in order to access back-up records in the archives. Tasallir still seems to think he might be deranged, but less than he had before, when Thenvunin had attempted to offer him an actual friendly greeting.
 The man does make him nervous, though. He canât even remember reading about him from the original book, and yet for some reason he is⊠unreasonably good-looking? Like someone cast him out of precious metals and ivory and then brought him to life via wishes. He is quite possibly the most meticulously groomed person Thenvunin has seen on the entire peak, which is saying something, and every time her speaks to Thenvunin he looks like someone has jammed half a lemon in his mouth.
 Thenvunin cannot take it personally. He thinks he would look the same way at the Original Thenerassan, and has no idea what sorts of transgressions his alter-ego might have committed before Thenvunin pulled a body snatch on him.
 But the long and short of it is that he spends several days running around in a mad panic, earning no points and feeling as if he is somehow just making everything worse, as he tries to actually teach his students and beseeches the other mentors at the peak for assistance and is perpetually asked if his âspiritual equilibriumâ is alright.
 So on balance, despite his nervousness over leaving - and what could go wrong in his absence, if that little villain Elandaris gets his hands on Uthvir again - he thinks the trip will be good.
 He can study, He can practice his abilities. He can make plans. He can come back, and hope that any major shifts in his âgeneral temperamentâ might be attributed to a successful trip; like the way some people seem to come back from vacations with entirely new outlooks on life. Or maybe, if he gives them a few days, people will start to forget what the Original was really like. Even just a little bit.
 âŠThatâs a long shot, but he can hope.
 One silver lining to the whole scenario that he hadnât even anticipated is that, since he is going to a section of the sacred caves that is not typically used by Quiet Peak, Lady ManaâDin gives him a map of the cave system with his path outlined for him. She also gives him a special pass key, which is little more than a strip of paper with a password written on it. But when Thenvunin presents it to the waterfall opening of the cave system, the water parts, and the entrance is revealed to him; and every other path along the way is also opened by his innocuous-seeming strip of paper.
 Thenvunin begins to feel some unease about the situation as he makes his way to the cavern system of Battle Peak.
 Heâs never been in a cave before. Only really seen them on television and in movies, which doesnât really do the darkness of them justice. Not that thereâs no light; openings up towards the surface let in bright shafts of daylight, but any time a cloud rolls past them, they darken. And there are some lanterns, but still, they donât illuminate everything. Many passageways seem shrouded in a deep darkness, and the darkness feels strange to him.
 Old, somehow.
 It reminds him of the practice that some peaks have of binding cursed spirits and demons beneath mountains. Like the dungeons below a castle. Thenvunin does not see anything, or hear anything, or even feel anything more than the odd sense of the âenergyâ in the place. There are pools of calm, and waterfalls of light, and there are small bodies of still water - clear, somehow - and there is darkness.
 Only the darkness bothers him, until he thinks about how much time he is going to be spending here.
 Then he is very glad that he brought along so many books.
 Every so often he passes a cave that he suspects is occupied, but he doesnât see any occupants until he gets to the segment of the map that marks the Battle Peak system. He doesnât get lost or turned around too many times, thankfully. The caves are supposed to be a ânaturalâ place, but they do still have markers for the pilgrims that come.
 When Thenvunin is the Battle Peak system, he passes by a small chamber. Filled, unexpectedly, with daylight. An unfamiliar figure mediates in the middle of the room. They do not seem to take note of Thenvuninâs passage, and after a while, he decides it would be best just to leave them to their self-reflection.
 Other than that, he doesnât see anyone until heâs actually made it to the cavern allotted to him.
 The space is something of a relief. Though itâs still obviously a cave, it has light. Not as much as the one he saw the meditating disciple in, but enough to give him a glimpse of the sky through the high opening. Water trickles down one side of the cavern wall, and some moss is growing around the opening. Thenvunin can feel the air move a little.
 It startles him, how much of a relief that is. Like a friendly touch that he had missed without knowing, ever since he came inside the caves. He moves to the middle of the chamber, and takes a deep breath. Spreading his arms out and feeling the air across his face.
 I can do this.
 Though after a moment, it occurs to him that he isnât entirely sure how to start.
 The meditation he witnessed earlier rises in his memory, and after a moment, he supposes thatâs as good a place to begin as any. He sets the bag he brought into a corner of the cave - Master Venavismi had blinked at the sight of it before he left, asking if it wasnât traditional to take nothing at all; but Thenvunin managed to say it was only for the trip - and then he settles in a good spot to feel the breeze, and begins.
 Once he starts in on things, he finds that, like with the leaves he had thrown at Elandaris, many things are more like waking up a memory than trying to attempt something new. Even though Thenvunin is sure heâs never done any of them before. He manages to pass several hours without feeling like heâs been in a hard stone cave for that long; not noticing the memory of hunger, or feeling pain from the cold stone floor. He alternates between mediation and cultivation, practice and pondering. He takes breaks to read some of the manuals he brought and makes notes, and notices the light changing from day to night, before the habit of sleeping catches up with him.
 But that just leaves him feeling antsy and uncertain. And in too much darkness to read anymore.
 Sounds from one of the other chambers draws his attention. Thenvunin considers that it might be wise to watch some of the other disciples here, to see what theyâre doing. To figure out what he should be doing. He gets up, and dusts himself off, and heads back out of the chamber. A little wandering leads him to a side passage, that descends right down next to the cavern he was in. Thatâs where the sounds seem to be coming from, along with the steady trickle of running water. He makes his way down, hesitating when the distant lantern light fades, and he has to proceed in darkness. But it only lasts for a short while, before he sees a light at the end of the passage.
 The sounds become clearer. It sounds like someone⊠groaning? Sparring, perhaps? Thenvunin almost thinks for half a second that heâs about to walk in on something inappropriate instead, with the heavy nature of the panting that he hears, but⊠serious disciples of Battle Peak wouldnât use the sacred caves for trysts, would they?
 That would be too scandalous!
 Thenvuninâs face feels hot at the thought, and heâs definitely hoping he doesnât see anything untoward at all as he reaches the bottom, and takes a look around.
 The first thing he notes is that there is only one person in the chamber. Itâs a wide space, bigger than the one he had been in, but with more dark patches. A lone disciple is standing just off to one side, with his back towards the passage. His shoulders are hunched; and he is the source of the heavy breaths.
 Thenvunin hesitates. Something niggles at the back of his mind, a sense of something he should know, but also a rush of reflexive worry. Thoughts of being in hospitals, of seeing other sick and injured and struggling people.
 This man is unwell?
 And then the system provides him with a name, hovering in text just below the strangerâs shoulder. Like a caption in a film.
 <Battle Peak Champion: Master Calain>
 Thenvunin freezes.
 All the colour drains out of his face as sudden recognition dawns.
 Oh no. Oh no. No, he remembers this now! From when the original Thenerassan was discredited in the story! Battle Peakâs champion was Thenerassanâs rival while they were students, serving under the same teacher. They had bitterly despised one another, and Thenerassan had nursed a grudge ever since the fallout of their constant fighting had seen their teacher hand his tutelage over to ManaâDin at Quiet Peak, in order to separate them. Bitterness at being the one chosen to leave rather than stay, Thenvunin had assumed.
 A spark of hatred that had bloomed into an opportunistic murder, when Thenerassan had gone to the sacred caves for self-reflection, and found Calain lost to the haze of spiritual imbalance. A training method gone badly awry. At the time, the murder was considered self-defense; Calain had lashed out and in defending himself, Thenerassan had killed him by mistake. But as the black marks on his reputation grew, it became clear that the murder was deliberate. Calainâs state only provided a plausible excuse.
 And Master Calainâs sister was a member of Uthvirâs harem. One of their favourite wives, even. So of course, Uthvir had taken great care to avenge the death of her brother, along with every other payment they drew from Thenerassanâs blood.
 I canât be here, Thenvunin thinks, all at once. He turns to leave but in his hurry, and the dark, a loose pebble flies away from his shoe.
 Calain turns. Ragged and wild, like an animal. Thenvunin feels a rush of shock as he sees his skin mottled with darkness, as if covered in dozens of bruises. He can scarcely take in anything else about the man, as fear overwhelms him, and he moves to keep running.
 Calain makes a sharp motion. Thereâs a flash of warning. Reflexes alone save Thenvunin as he leaps back, and barely avoids the sword that cuts across his path.
 <Dawnâs Radiance>, the system helpfully tags it.
 I donât care about the names of swords right now! What am I supposed to do?! Thenvunin wonders back. He doesnât get an answer, isnât even really expecting anything that helpful, before Calain roars at him and charges. His sword whipping through the air and flying to his hand, as his eyes gleam with wild, erratic energy.
 Thenvunin flees in the opposite direction.
 âCalain!â he tries, as the two of them begin to race in circles around the chamber. âCalain, itâs me, Thenvunin!â
 âIâLL KILL YOU!â Calain roars.
 Right, yes, no, the Original Thenerassan may have known him but they werenât on good terms. Familiarity isnât going to help. Thenvunin keeps running, and dodging the occasional onslaughts of Calainâs sword, as he tries desperately to think. I need to get help!
 He attempts to turn back up the passageway, but the sword blocks his path. And then it cuts towards him, and in a sudden, vivid moment of clarity, Thenvunin knows that if he doesnât do exactly the right thing right this second, he is going to be speared on that blade.
 Before he can really think about it, about what he knows or what he can or canât do, he turns, and in a smooth motion, draws Swanâs Grace.
 The blocking move comes effortlessly. Calainâs sword strikes against his own with enough force to push him backwards, but even though thereâs a ton of energy behind it, itâs erratic and unfocused. Thenvunin narrows his eyes, and in a sharp, deliberate gesture, knocks the weapon out of the grasp of Calainâs distorted spiritual energy, and sends it clattering across the chamber.
 Right in time for the weaponâs owner to charge him like a zombie from a horror film.
 Thenvuninâs ready, though. He feels impossibly calm - like heâs floating out of this body again, like heâs just a director telling it what they need to accomplish - as he turns the flat of his blade to deflect part of Calainâs charge, and then smashes a palm up the underside of his jaw. The energy around them ripples, and Thenvuninâs own bats his attacker away with a rush of wind that howls through the chamber.
 Calain smacks against the cavern wall; Thenvunin immobilizes him quickly, enabled mostly, he thinks, but the pure chaos of the other manâs aura, and the incoherence of his intentions. He sits on his back to hold him down, while Calain bucks, and keeps Swanâs Grace ready to deflect in case he should manage to summon his sword again.
 But then, reality sinks back in, and Thenvunin is once again at a loss.
 What⊠what he should do?
 He canât hold Calain down forever. But he canât kill him, either. Even if it werenât for the situation with Uthvir later on, Thenvuninâs never killed a person before. Trying to tell himself that Calainâs only a fictional character doesnât seem to work very well. Not when heâs spasming and struggling like a very real, ill man, caught in some kind of terrible seizure.
 âHelp!â he tries calling. âWe need assistance! Is anyone there?â
 He thinks he hears something, or maybe a few things. But minutes pass and Calain is getting harder to restrain, and the bruising on his skin is looking worse by the minute, unless thatâs just Thenvuninâs imagination. But it seems almost like⊠like heâs changing. Like the imbalance isâŠ
 Oh.
 Oh, no. He remembers now. Imbalance oneâs energies bad enough, and death can result. Calain body is being destroyed by the energies inside of it. Like a cancer.
 But as Thenvunin remembers that, he also finds himself remembering something else. One of Uthvirâs wives went through something similar, didnât she? Sabotaged in her training by a rival. But Uthvir saved her. In the sort of novel that Immortal Demon Way was, not saving their own wife wouldnât have fit the power fantasy bill. So Uthvir had used their own spiritual equilibrium to restore hers. Thenvunin even remembers the description of the technique, although he also recalls it being described as very dangerous and liable to damage both parties if it backfiresâŠ
 Itâs seeing Calain spit up a mouthful of blood that finally makes up his mind.
 âFor the record, Iâve never done this before. So if it doesnât work, I am sincerely trying,â he says.
 Then he summons up his focus, and presses his fingers to specific points on Calainâs back. Digging in, and mustering up the energy he needs, and feeling out what the over-abundance of energy in the other man is. Then he starts channeling in a counter-balance from his own stores.
 It feels strange. Like bleeding, almost, but not quite. Thenvuninâs arms tingle and his focus blurs a little. But he takes calm, steady breaths. If thereâs one thing he does know, itâs how it feels when somethingâs going wrong in his body. And this feels tiring, and risky, but not like heâs committed a disaster yet. A soft glow emanates from his touch. Heâs so focused, that he doesnât notice when Calain stops struggling.
 He does notice when the mottling on his skin begins to fade, though.
 Thenvunin keeps up the process until he feels like heâs starting to lose his own balance. And then he finally pulls his hand away, and stops.
 Thereâs a long moment of utter silence.
 Then the system chimes in.
 <Congratulations! You have successfully completed a character quest. +50.>
 Fifty points? Just fifty, for all that? Thenvunin doesnât know if heâs more surprised that he got anything at all, or offended that this was somehow worth fewer points than just stealing poor Uthvirâs treasured necklace.
 Calain turns, and looks at him with eyes that seem bloodshot, but otherwise normal.
 âWhat?â he says. âThenvunin?â
 He sounds simultaneously offended and bewildered. Thenvunin figures he can let the other man go, now, and does. Only starting to release him before Calain is shoving him off in return, and moving warily away from him.
 Thenvunin folds his arms, unable to fight back his annoyance. It might be understandable that almost everyone hates him, here, but that doesnât mean he isnât getting sick of it, too.
 âWhatâs that look for?â he demands. âI just saved your life! That was a risky move, you know. Iâve never done anything like that before. And you were trying to kill me the entire time, too!â
 Calainâs brow furrows. He looks confused.
 Thenvunin curses his luck.
 âOh please donât tell me you have short-term memory loss?â he snaps. That would be his luck, wouldnât it?
 The comment seems to smooth out some of Calainâs features, though. The other man extends one arm outward, and Dawnâs Radiance flies back into it. Thenvunin stiffens; but after a second, Calain only sheaths the blade back at his hip.
 âI remember,â he says, clipped and obviously still wary.
 The two of them stare one another down.
 â...Why?â Calain finally asks, breaking the silence.
 Thenvunin straightens out his clothes, which had been sent somewhat askew by the fight, and hesitates on how to reply.
 âWhy what?â he asks, in the end.
 It just seems to make Calain more annoyed, though.
 The effect is somewhat undermined by the fact that the man is bizarrely pretty, though. Thenvunin is beginning to wonder whatâs going on with that. When he read the book, he had sort of imagined Master Calain as being a rugged, muscles-upon-muscles, thick-and-hairy warrior type. Barrel-chested and stocky and square-jawed, the sort of man who fought bears under waterfalls. But on reflection, he supposed that the manâs reputation had been described more than his looks. And his sister, Calantha, was a remarkable beauty; dainty and fair, and actually described in an atypical amount of physical detail.
 On that reflection, Thenvunin realizes that Calain looks essentially like a male version of her. Heâs still obviously fit and broad-shouldered, taller than Thenvunin himself. But heâs delicate-looking too, with a princely sort of countenance. A pretty face, long eyelashes, soft mouthâŠ
 The contrast between expectation and reality is a little unnerving.
 Still. Calain is glaring, and he does at least have the eyebrows to pull that off.
 âWhy would you do that?â he asks, looking Thenvunin up and down. As if heâs half expecting some vipers to suddenly come soaring out of his pockets or something.
 Thenvunin sighs, internally, and reminds himself that thereâs no point in getting annoyed. People are just going to be suspicious. The only person to blame for it isnât here, because Thenvunin has taken his place.
 âIâve been⊠thinking about a lot of things,â he says. âThings I regret. About the past. About who Iâve been. I donât want to be that person anymore, Calain. Iâm trying to bury the Thenvunin Thenerassan you knew, and do a better job with the future than he ever would have. I would like to turn over a new leaf.â
 Calain looks suspicious, still.
 After a few more minutes of staring contests, Thenvunin gives up. He feels bad, now. Tired. Here he was supposed to be building up his spiritual energy, and now heâs set himself back instead. Not that he regrets it. After a moment he finds himself looking Calain over again, and while the other man may still be expecting some kind of trickâŠ
 Thenvunin just saved his life.
 Maybe he can be proud of that, even if no one else is?
 âIâm in the cave at the top of the passage,â he mentions, gesturing. âIf you run into difficulties again, come and find me.â
 Calainâs expression wavers, while Thenvunin starts to head up. Itâs only then that he finally hears the sound of voices calling. Battle Peak disciples approaching from the opposite end of Calainâs chamber, by the sounds of it. After a moment of considering, Thenvunin just decides to keep going. Let them look after Calain, now. Theyâre his colleagues and heâs probably more comfortable with that anyway.
 After a while he hears Calain finally turn and answer the calls, and then the voices move further than Thenvunin can properly hear. He finishes making his way back up the passage, and heads into his own cavern again. Settling down, reviewing the last manual he read, and focusing on figuring out just what all he did to himself, and how he should probably reverse it.
 Itâs good practice, he tells himself.
 Come morning, he has changed his mind entirely. Exerting that much energy in such a strange way was absolutely not worth it. He should have just killed Calain. Maybe this sadistic system would have given him more points. Probably, he thinks. And then he wouldnât be feeling like someone filled his head with bees and tied all of his muscles into knots.
 The second day he gives up on progressing a few times in favour of just quietly weeping in the corner of his cavern.
 Eventually, though, Thenvunin finds himself getting back on track. The buzzing in his skull abates, and he manages to smooth out all the aches in his own body, with a deliberateness that makes him envious even while heâs doing it. If only he could have done this while he was alive! Just - fix himself! Heal himself, oh, that would have been a dream come true. The number of nights he had spent awake wishing he could just will his bones betterâŠ
 It makes him a little emotionally unbalanced. He has to start some things over again, and switches to sword practice for a while instead.
 A few times, he thinks about going to check on Calain. But he hears no more strange noises, and after a while, he decides against it. He doesnât want to jinx it, he managed to get away without killing the man this time, but what if testing his luck just means he ends up doing the whole thing over again?
 Sometimes he can tell, without really seeing, that there are other disciples moving around the caves. But mostly, things just stay quiet, and never sees anyone. Hears things, feels things, but doesnât see things. He forces himself to put his attention to what he needs to do, what he came for. After a while he loses track of time entirely, but, he still has a strong sense that he should stay put for now.
 Until, one evening, he abruptly finds that he doesnât anymore.
 Time to go.
 Without sparing much thought to question it, Thenvunin gathers up his things. He hesitates, warring with himself over it; but then he turns towards the passageway leading down to the big chamber. Itâs still daylight outside the caves, and that makes him feel bolder, even though it doesnât change the light levels in the passage any.
 When he makes his way down, he sees Calain sitting on a flattened stone in the chamber. Eyes closed.
 âBrother,â he calls. âIâm leaving. Just so you know. Good luck with the rest of your endeavours.â
 It would have been irresponsible, Thenvunin thinks, to just leave without letting the man know that a potential source of help had gone.
 Calain doesnât give any acknowledgement of having heard him or not.
 After a minute, Thenvunin canât help but sniff in annoyance. Muttering a little to himself about rude people and ingrates before turning on his heel and making his way all the way back up that damn passage again, before consulting his map to find the quickest route out.
 Once heâs out, getting back to Quiet Peak will be simpler than leaving it. He can just use his energy to fly his way there on his sword. A genre trope that always seemed a little odd to him, but when he tested it out during one of his attempts to master a few basic abilities, he suddenly discovered the appeal.
 Of flying, at least.
 The map leads him to an opening that heads straight up and out of a wide side passage. Thenvunin takes it, and lets out an audible sigh of relief as he finally comes clear of the cavern rock and breaks out into the trees and open air again. A slightly frigid wind blowing past him, carrying just the faintest hints of snow, while the trees sway. He lets his energy carry him up above the tops of them, as he stretches his arms out again.
 That was a success, he thinks. He does feel somewhat better about himself and his abilities now. Even if that whole debacle with Calain still feels vaguely traumatic.
 He turns towards Quiet PeakâŠ
 âŠAnd halts, going cold all over again.
 Flames lick upwards from the direction of the temple. While the sky towards the opposite horizon is grey, closer to the peak, the air shimmers with an eerie red light. The next gust of wind that blows his way carries ash instead of snow, and right as he sees it, he hears the first distant chime of the templeâs alarm bells.
 He forgot.
 How could he forget?!
 The attack! The attack on the temple, when Uthvir was fifteen. One of the most formative moments in Uthvirâs pre-Hell development, one of the first âbigâ fights, a pivotal moment before the tournament that actually seemed to make the story really kick off the ground.
 The attack!
 Demons have come to Quiet Peak.
#scum villain au#sharkbait#cliffhanger warning#i really wanted to post something#most of my writing efforts have not gone well but!#i am still trying and this was the best success i've had lately#so here you go guys hope somebody likes it#long post
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