#but i cant say that because ill have people come to me and say:
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I love my girl Miwa but as soon as I read that this image immediately popped up in my head:
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#HAVE SOME STANDARDS GIRL DAMN#i want this relationship to work out too but this aint it#how do we relationship#cine te a intrebat#uhmmm theres SPOILERS past this tag in case u care to read this yourself just a quick warning#i kid i joke but this scene fucks me up i like how this manga handles queerness. it shows how messy and painful it can be#like we already got a bit of that with sae and her relationship with sex but this mmmmmm this one i didnt see coming#imagine u work up the courage to confess to ur high school crush and she says she cant date you#not cause she doesnt like you. quite literally /because/ she likes you and wants to take ur relationship seriously and respect you#but she cant do that. because shes afraid of people finding out. of having to hide all the time. of being ostracised. she's tired.#she cant find the strength to do that.#the frustration of being loved but society denying you the possibility of being together... ill clown on Miwa (its very easy) but i feel bad#for her#gaud i need to sleep hai pa
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telling myself to continue on like normal and write like normal but how am i supposed to do that when i know my world is ending in 24 hours?
tw for tags: i accidentally rambled on and aired out all my grief for my dog
#ive known since the moment we got the cancer diagnosis id be losing him#it doesnt make it easier#tw pet loss#ive experienced a dog dying unexpectedly and now a planned death#i have decided there is no death thats easy. you'll always wish it went the other way.#in 24 hours ill be loading him into my car one last time#ill be joking about how heavy he is as i lift my 'heavy baby' into the backseat#i'll be babytalking him the entire drive and nearly dislocating my arm just to pet him at the red lights for the last time#i bought him reese's peanut butter cups. because he loves peanut butter and deserves to taste chocolate before he goes#i got him all his favorite treats. been feeding him all the meals he'd beg for that id say 'dogs cant have'#i just. this is hard. im losing my baby. my best friend.#the 'aggressive' boy no one wanted for 2 years until i came upon him and said 'hes coming home with me'#people keep telling me i dont have to be in the room when it happens but how could i do that?#how could i leave him alone this last time (arguably the most important time) when the day i brought him home#i made the promise that he'd never be alone again?#how could i do that when every time hes sick he wants me near him? puts his head in my lap?#how could i when during my roughest times he protected me so fiercely?#the only time he's been anything but a gentle giant has always been when he protects me#how could i not protect HIM one last time?#im sorry. im in my feels. this fucking sucks.
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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I feel like Hershel and Desmond would both be afraid of themselves.
If they stop and look at themselves. If they realize what they're doing came from years of pain. Would it all lead to a question of "Who else am I going to hurt?" "How many people have I unintentionally hurt because I never realized what I was really doing?" "How many things of my life have I missed because of this?" "How many things do I—or will I—regret?"
I feel like Layton self-sacrifices to a fault. That others get hurt trying to protect him. That he unknowingly drags other people through pain to get to where he thinks he needs to go. To solve every mystery there is. To get rid of his pain from outside sources, he needs to make as much of it himself under the titles "Determination" and "Amazing at solving things" and "Helping others" because then, how could those things ever hurt him? How could they ever be seen as pain? They're not like his (other) traumas. They don't cause pain at all. Not to mention what he thinks about danger. Danger? What danger? There's no danger here. Just people who are willing to hurt others to get what they want—Which is very sad and shows their pain and he'd very much like to help them in any way possible, if possible. If they show that they don't want to be helped, then it's better to leave them be.
But then again, nothing can ever be someone's fault other than his around him. I think he goes over betrayals thinking, "There must have been something I could have done." or "There must've been something I did." or "If I learn from this, I can make sure it never happens again." or... ... I think he has a hard time accepting that things really aren't his fault / there's really nothing he can do about some situations. Actually, when it comes time for Unwound Future and the whole Evil Layton arc... The only time in which he actually raises his voice is at himself. Is at the version of him that betrayed all of the morals in which he's held onto for so long. But a part of me thinks that, if he knew things were actually his fault, he'd have a problem with that, too... I mean, look at how he reacts to him getting puzzle answers incorrect in CV. In CV. In the 4th game of experience that he's had with puzzles. And a movie. With all that experience and he gets something wrong... he's disappointed in himself. Going back to the UF/LF thing... "I demand an explanation!!" I don't think I'll ever forget that line. I think, from his journal... We know he was trying to think of reasons why he would do something like this. Idk. I'm. Thoughts are not thinking anymore. Um. Wow I really lost my thought process. I was also gonna talk about Desmond. But I guess that's not happening at the moment.
#i will come back to this... maybe.... hopefully#i just think they're really sad people.#if you really look at it.#they're similar.#part of me even thinks that desmond has more pain than layton but. idk#ill get to that... maybe....#i just wish that everyone was happy.#that nothing bad happened ever.#i think they deserve it.#if none of the bad things happened#how much would have changed.#healanalyses#i should start putting it in one word huh#healthoughts#i guess#professor layton#hershel layton#desmond sycamore#healsramblings#they make my head hurt. and i think they'd be afraid of themselves#because i relate to them in more ways than i want to#and im afraid of myself because of it.#i ask myself those same questions#and i heavily relate to hershel and relate somewhat to desmond#and i ask myself if im a monster disguised in righteousness and friendship and healing and positivity#and if everything in my life is my fault or not#and what can i do to help the situations or my friends or things like that#even if everyone says that im the best friend that they know#or the kindest or whatever compliments they give me#somethings lingering within me; telling me i cant accept those words
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annoying conversations happening on twitter this week about dazai and his canonical whoreness .... very ableist delivery of people treating him like a tiny 22 yr old minor who clearly doesn't know what sex is and its getting weeeeeiirrrrd ...........
#like idk and idc about other peoples perceptions but to me dazai fucks#its in the source material regarding the fact that hes a DOG and nobody understands how he manages to charm women#women send him love notes to the office bcs he doesnt give out his address......uses sex as a tool and people can infer what they want#but i dont have it has having any nefarious meaning other than he knows himself well and how to get what he wants#and (in MY mind) enjoys it :p#he says he appreciates ALLLL women#women being official the source content but to me he's a man with no preference :p#what i find ableist is the notion that someone with clear though unstated mental illnesses must be “protected” and “he doesnt know what#sex is" like come on. we read the same stuff#youre saying it because you think it gets in the way of ur fav ships that he whores around#well guess what!!!!! he does!!!!!#so what!!!!!! live with it!!!!!! everyone else has to!!!!!#women cry in the source content and i infer that to be bcs he just straight up ghosts them after#maybe he sees a couple of people a few times but for the most part#he dips </3#but we dont need to pretend hes innocent and like#sex - afraid#im tirrredddd of these takes they stink and theyre not fun to read#tldr: my dazai fucks (and WANTS TO!!!!!!!! SEEKS IT OUT!!!! ENJOYS IT!!!! SKILLED LOVER THAT U CANT HAVE!!!!)#(unless u get him.....then hes devoted teehee<3)#enuff said i think#ACTUALLY FURTHER POINT. hes a flirt and a whore. PROUD!!!!!!!!!#he gives u the eyes and he'll have u wrapped around his fingerrrr anyway. thats it now
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.
so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.
#shaking a little bit writing this but like. i dont know.#ive felt. alone a lot and ive been very scared of actually doing anything to make myself happy for a lot of my life#and ive felt a lot of shame about particularly. i dont know.#i feel a lot of shame in general#but about my gender. about feeling like i cant transition because i dont want to do it the way you see in media#and that its cool for other people to be gnc and trans and present however they want but#that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking#and i dont know i think im tired of running from it#im acting like this is some terrible truth. like this is an unspeakable evil i would inflict on the world by doing something that could mak#me happy. make me feel comfortable#i dont want that shame anymore#i never deserved it#anyways. i like the name angus. please call me angus from now on although autumn is actually still fine i do fw that name. always have#but i need to say this and put it out into the world and not take it back#this is my experience. this is my starting point. and fanfic and writing have been a big part of that#anyways. shoutout to#james wilson#most recent blorbo ive tried to trans the gender of. i think ill be able to finish this fic though lol.#trans#coming out#fandom#fanfic#personal#queer#lgbtqia
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I'm upset about the lack of choices and the likelihood that the solas romance is going to be pushed more but bringing up the new characters as something that could have been replaced by old ones is a pretty bad faith arguement imo. It's a new game, of course there's going to be new characters? The cameos were never the forefront or the cornerstone of my enjoyment. I mean if you hate the game and only play it in the hopes of getting scraps of your favorite characters from the previous games then ok but why torture yourself like this lol
i mean as long as they don't repeat the mistakes of inquisition and expect us to have read extra material to understand what's going on, i don't care about the new characters THAT much, i just think it's funny to act like they're actual cameos when most people don't know who they are. a charitable read would be that they're rewarding hardcore fans but likeeeee... they're trying to sell books lol
tbh cameos wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me normally, i can take them or leave them in da2 and obviously there are none in origins. but combined with everything else we know about the game i AM still on the fence about getting it... no worldstates means it's unlikely they'll bring up any of the plots i was interested in having resolved or explored further 😑 so it all comes down to the quality of the writing and plots they introduce, which is very hard to judge from the promo esp since apparently everything they're showing is from act 1
#ask#anonymous#veilguard spoilers#i mean not to sound like an origins bro but it's pretty devoid of anything that originally drew me to da#which is like. fine. it's been a decade. bg3 was also wildly different from the original games and not as well written but#i can look past it because it's fun and the characters are good. which is basically best case scenario for dav#my main interest rn is how reactive the game is bc they keep teasing it and that's a major draw for me. i like old games with a lot of#reactivity so if they have that level of branching narrative combined with modern design then ill be sold. that's something you#cant really advertise properly bc of spoilers tho so i'll see what people say when it comes out. my first choices matter#game was life is strange so i am NOT going to get got again.
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z
#hey not to be that guy but#can people stop coming into my ask box wanting me to donate to their gfm in gaza via guilt tripping#i’m not saying i am not supportive of freeing palestine or wanting to get the word out for help#but i’m running thin in everything in life especially emotionally#ive had multiple meltdowns and breakdowns a week because of i cant stablize my emotions#and asking me to imagine watching my family suffer through pain and agony bc of illness is making it harder to manage#not to just trauma dump but for context#my mom had breast cancer when i was a junior in high school that i have ptsd from#and i saved my mom’s life at one point at 17 because of her cancer treatment#and i was home alone with nobody to help guide me through how to process it with my mom near death on the ground#i don’t have to imagine it i’ve experienced it#and on top of my continuing money issues and my declining health#i can’t really offer much more than reblogging posts#i’m not trying to say my situation is worse. but coming to me by trying to guilt trip me into helping is making me worse#i am doing what i can to help everyone i can#i’m closing my ask box for now because i literally can’t take it
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I've been trying to talk about my emotions, but damn do i get paranoid I might get in trouble for feeling human emotions guh
I just feel horrible, I'm sorry y'all, life is biting me so hard :/
#i know i keep saying “dw im fine :]” but gosh its been hard to say that sometimes#im sorry guys i swear ill try#im gonna keep going no matter what but im just not all here#so many people in my life have been feeling like trash but i also feel like trash and i feel like if i talk about my stuff they might feel-#-worse :<#i just want people to feel happy but that cant happen#it takes so much time but goodness#come on everything gets better. please everything will work out#just have to keep going and hoping everything gets better#just lying to myself but hopefully ill believe it soon#im not looking for sympathy you dont need to comfort me when i cant even comfort others or myself#i need to learn#yall need to take care of yalls selfs no matter what. okay?#even if someone on the internet is feeling bad all that matters is your own mental health#we're all in this together alright?#the world is being torn down but never let that tear down your spirits#i believe in yall and yall should believe in yourselfs#be proud of anything you create or enjoy because only you can create those things or enjoy those things the way you do#i hope yall have a great rest of your week and take it easy#im gonna post art in a lil bit so i can distract myself#apologetically rambling
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Yeah thing abt anxiety is you actually literally do have to grab your brain sometimes and go "Are you actually in danger?! Is this problem something we can actually fix now or is it a situation that is out of our control and therefore worrying about it actually does nothing?! Huh?!" And then force yourself to realize what situations your anxiety is ACTUALLY helpful and how to let go in situations where it isnt
Unfortunately this is not a skill that you get with a snap of your fingers, you literally have to TEACH yourself how to do it and it's painful.
Even more unfortunately rational people sitting outside of your anxiety are NOT AWARE that this is a literal skill you were basically born without and just tell you "calm down" without understanding YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT. If someone who was super good at weight lifting told me, a beginner at weights, to just "pick up a 50 pound dumbbell" I'D DIE, because I haven't trained to do that! I quite literally don't have the muscle or knowledge on proper techniques to do that without hurting myself, physically or emotionally!!!
So yes, sometimes you DO have to take the high road and just tell yourself "I do NOT need to worry about this" even though it feels stupid and useless because you still worry, but you also have to forgive yourself and understand you are learning! It won't be easy the first few times, and even when you get more used to self soothing and emotional regulation sometimes it's not linear and it's like your first day of lifting weights all over again!
I just think we as a society do need to understand that anxious disorders are both something we (anxious people) can NOT control without effort and therapy and that we (anxious people) need to realize sometimes we DO have to put in painful, uncomfortable work to manage it! It sucks but thats life, and it can get easier with the right support and whatever treatment looks like for you!
#idk as someone who had undiagnosed GAD for years i could never articulate why people's 'get over it' advice was useless#like i could not articulate I LITERALLY DONT HAVE THE TOOLS TO DO THAT!#but then a point came when i was older when I realized “shit i NEED to learn these tools instead of just saying I cant because of anxiety”#because while peoples advice was usless the idea i had in my head of “ill always be like this and cant change” did me bad#and hey my anxiety is different and other people may meed different support or treatments than i do#but to anyone who is very very scared of fscing this anxiety or feels like right now it DEFINES you#this post is for you. what im saying is yes it is tough work and yes you'll feel crazy#that's valid! don't let other people make you feel like you're failing because “it shouldn't be that hard”#it is hard! but also dont give yo because of that! discomfort is part of growth abd as much as you want to avoid it#i PROMISR when you get past that discomfort you come out more learned. more aware of yourself#you start feeling a little better#and better#and each step is like that#and it helps!#so hey my anxious siblings with debilitating anxiety. i see you. i hear you. i know its tough but I understand and i love you#text#idk posts abt mental health because i feel like we need to be honest and not toxicly positive abt recovering#its not super easy and that's fine we should acknowledge that
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#sorry chat im in a mood#vent#tw suicide#tw self harm#i wish people were nicer to me#or at all#or meaner cause then i could do it without feeling guilty and bad#now im just at this fuckass cant do it but really really want to but cant#id rather either not want to. or to be able to#i wish there was like a a ‘im thsi close to kms’ meter above our heads so ppl would realize they might have to be a bit nicer when they talk#to me#im kot that big on sh but maybe i should just slice my arms open like a madman and then theyll be able to tell#im okay until i talk to/hang out with people#sometimes i think im the priblem but like i dont think i am i think others are#sure im a problem but im not my problem#no liwk genuinely i just want friends that i like that are nice to me#why do other ppl not realize theyre being mean? am i the only one that learnt not to say stuff if its not nice#i get coming off as meaner than u menat but i know you know that wasn’t necessary to say at all#sometimes u can not say things ir say it differently#why is it so much easier to make good friends online i hate it#i want that irl too#i guess bcus im worse irl but still#and i hate that all my problems are all the small stuff combined and not something big#because then i dont have the reason but i do have the motivation#i wish i wasnt as opposed and unable to plan and organize stuff cause id be out of here but its like.. too much work im sorta lazy tbh#im not killing myself but never say never#im not. chill#ill let u know#i wish i was but im not#i have to draw all the fanart ive planned and i want to get christmas gifts and celebrate new years with my mom
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ohhhb venting...
#its getting bad again!#and i don't know how to talk about any of it#my brains main thoughts throughout the day are 'im going to fucking throw up' and 'i should kill myself'#the anxiety has been giving me legitimate chest pains lately (i think its the anxiety)#and i cant lie down to sleep without my brain going all ballistic and self deprecating#i relapsed sh again and i fucking hate it because i was almost a year clean#it got so bad my brother dmed me asking if im okay#i have to be positiveee this is a manic depressive episodeee i wont do anything permanent#i feel like im gonna throw up. and kill myself. i wont. but oh my fucking god i thought i was over this#i dont know what to tell my brother like do i admit im fucking losing my mind or do i try and keep it palatable.#like 'yeah ive been uhh convincing myself not to walk into the street on the way home wbu'#what even is there to say#i feel like im too much for what im worth#people care about me and it only makes their lives harder#people have problems and theyre all my fault#i wish i could just not exist. even if for a short period pf time#i feel like im bringing more stress and anger into this world than the good things that come of me#i feel like everyone that gives me a chance is going to end up hating me#i feel like everyone that loves me will only see who i really am and end up resenting me#i feel like i cant breathe without ruining something good for someone#im sorry#i dont think ill ever feel like im truly doing okay
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trying so hard t stay put together
#have no where to go to to talk so ill air out things vaugely in the tags#things happened. its not great#everyone close to me that i could talk to about this is going through their own stuff#i cant ask them to listen with whats already on their shoulders#instead im just being a miserable bummer to be around#which is doubly awful because i embarassed myself so fucking hard yesterday#i cant get my stupid mouth to shut#im already annoying now im sad too#i dont know#i know some folks say i can come t them but i cant ask that of certain people. doesnt feel right#im tired#vent
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it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?
#myposts#this is long and honestly probably Nothing#i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it#and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here#but i do think theres something to the idea that like#as ive seen said#yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized'#i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to#but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me.#but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse#before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it#ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago#and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think#which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged#so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community#for our safety.#now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe!#cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel#again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think#basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility#coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky#--discourses in the current moment#last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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