#that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking

[realbeefman]

i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.

so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.

[badlydrawnbabydirk]

Are we allowed to ask system questions?? Don’t feel pressured to of course but I want to know if you have like- advice, for someone who is trying to figure that kind of stuff out, especially for someone who does not have a lot of support around them to help figure it out?? Hope you’re having a good day at least!!

\\ gonna answer this outside the qna— i cant say that id be great at advice but sure!

my discovery was very recent, so the best i can give you is just what i went through,, i just kinda took notice of weird happenings (saying/thinking stuff that didnt sound like me, gaps in memory, weird things that happened in the past, etc.) and was like.. hm. i never thought i was plural, thought it was just my undiagnosed adhd and identity issues,, but when i brought it to other people who were plural they were like hmm yeah thats what we went thru and i was like. whart. huh.

still wasn’t completely sold though obviously, its weird and distressing at first, thinking that maybe it isnt just you around— that there could be several people, and people who could have been around for years and you just never knew. its crazy what your brain does to prevent you from seeing and realizing it. but i was like okay whatever lets give this a shot, gonna ignore how weird it feels, and i leaned into it. made pluralkit profiles for who i had a hunch was around, used them whenever i would have those weird episodes, or when others would notice, and it felt right. i cant really describe it besides something genuinely clicked in my brain. i fucking felt it, it was crazy.

eventually it became more obvious that this wasnt just,, me yk. it gets confusing when you dont have super strong amnesia like me, but eventually the line between you and the others gets clearer and clearer. like ive said before, your brain had spent so long convincing you that youre just one person that its hard to untangle it. things will feel wrong, or like youre faking it, but you just gotta give it time. everything makes so much sense to me now, and it just feels so right now, like i finally realized this piece of me that had been missing!!

hopefully you can pull some good stuff out of my experience, but if i had any specific advice to give, itd be to just take it slow! things probably wont come to you immediately, it slowly unravels like i said. its like,, looking into a keyhole at first, and thinking that thats all youll ever see! but eventually the door swings open and you realize and discover so much more! i started out only noticing when others were around cause of how id type, and now i can feel them and even see them in my minds eye(? headspace basically.) so just give it time, be patient with yourself, and be kind to yourself. youll wanna doubt yourself, youll wanna think youre faking it, (its kinda a collective experience from what ive seen), but just remember— no one goes through this much to fake something. if it feels real to you, you should look into it and experiment! and if it doesnt turn out you're plural/a system, there was no harm in playing around with the idea, and you learned something about yourself at the end of the day!! hope this helps <33

[w1f1n1ghtm4r3]

followup fun facts about together, to that promised aquarium

this is gonna be just kinda a disorganized post of random things so uh. dont mind that.

the event title is actually a double reference ^^ its both a callback to 1dt with 1c promising to find time to do things as friends despite getting busier (even if theres no ichika this time), and also a reference to harusakis first kizuna!

colopale you still havent given us that aquarium they said theyd go to. theres a reason i had to do it myself. the fact that theres not an aquarium event in general is a crime tbh i know theres some romantic connotations with a pair going to an aquarium but theres very easy solutions to avoiding that? sending a group of 3+ characters together, having them run into other characters while there, inviting someone else along (even if they cant go, it helps make it feel more like a friend thing i think). i did a bit of the latter two, as you mightve noticed! in general though its just SUCH an obviously fun event theme i cant beleive we havent had one yet

while i am a known harusaki shipper, i kept the story pretty light on the stuff that could be read as explicitly shippy, since when im trying to make fake events, i like to think about how itd work in canon, which means keeping it low on explicit ship content. plenty of stuff that could be taken as ship food (as id like it to be!) but nothing that would alienate non shippers from enjoying the story too.

i actually didnt write shizukasas presence as intended for ship content at all though, but im definitely okay with people taking it that way lol they can be on a date too if you want them to be. my plan with them was simply theyre childhood friends too but dont get to spend time together that often anymore -> their schedules line up with a free day and tsukasa heard about the aquarium from saki, decides to invite shizuku to go there with him as a part of hanging out together -> surprise encounter with harusaki!

also both of them were scoring quite high on the form when i decided to lock in the lineup (tsukasa was absolutely sweeping the 2* category, and while shizuku wasnt winning anything, she was a pretty popular choice) and theyre very easy to work into a story together and also into a story that is focused on harusaki (╯▽╰ ) the benefits of siblings and unitmates

(tsukasa 2* poll sweep at the time of me solidifying my lineup)

the event and gacha names actually both came to me one night while i was about to fall asleep. struck by inspiration so strong i had to grab my phone and write them down in my notes app. and they actually worked very well! also heres the transparents of the logos if you want them i guess

the card/skill/costume names also mostly came to me in similar ways, in the last couple nights before i finished everything. i think only saki, luka, and shizukus skills didnt come to me that way.

while the rui fish in tsukasa card might be obvious, theres actually more animals referencing other characters too! theres a group of three fish in sakis card that are the colors of the rest of leoni, the sneakiest of the bunch, and also not quite as sneaky but maybe not as obvious as the rui fish is the airi and minori sea slugs :)

i did think about giving tsukasa fish to be emu and nene too, but that many differently colored fish in a 2* seemed like too much, so i didnt do it... at least of the units involved, 2/3 of them are fully represented in some way!

and now most importantly probably, is that this is in fact my second pass at an aquarium event! the original one i started back in 2022 and......... i think you guys can figure out why i couldnt just reuse it when i decided to go for making an aquarium event again this time.

yep, youre seeing that right. 4/5 of the characters i chose are the same as what ended up being 1dt, all i got wrong was the vs. thats pretty crazy, honestly. im still not fully convinced colopale isnt just stealing my ideas after val3 happened too /j

it was also saki focus actually! i had written out a rough idea for the story back then too, and while theres some similarities to the current one, it obviously went through a lot of changes when revising the lineup and also with everything that has happened in the story over the past two years. it was definitely a bit more explicitly shippy than my new attempt, although i still tried to keep the shipping stuff toned back somewhat

i only ever made one card for that set though, just lukas 2*... but thats the original reason i made the old 2* backgrounds! its always those fake events throwing me into the graphic design trenches (fist shake) i had been trying to do a more canon-accurate style to......... mixed success. its not terrible, but i definitely could not have done the full set like this. theres a reason i did promised aquarium in my own style!

the original theme for the set was kind of like..... performers at an aquarium? along with living water sculptures of animals. it was a fun idea, but i think i was much better suited to doing the underwater scenes of promised aquarium and also we have plenty of performance themed trained sets already ^^

considering i also technically kept her from the original set (plus she was also winning the vs poll), i gave her a higher rarity card this time around for fun. and also because i knew none of shizuku tsukasa or luka would have super significant roles in the story, and i thought it would be fun to design a lim hairstyle for her!

one final random fun fact: the thing that kicked me into gear making promised aquarium was the fact that haruka wasnt on beautiful sound. i was just a little mad that they had an underwater set WITH A PENGUIN COSTUME and there was no haruka. sometimes petty beef brings out my craziest motivations and then i proceeded to spend the better part of a month planning and making it happen.

[charlie-boyfriend]

Oh i like that reblog tag system thats rly nice Bcs ppl r reblogging the yttd thing w tags n like yes amazing. Express your appreciation in a way that i dont feel obligated to respond to it AMAZING (...or thats howi think it goes..Sorry if i wrong and im secretly ignoring all of u soo rude...)(no i know no way. theres not even an option to do so.)(Like im mostly saying bcs its a little tiring responding w the copypaste Thank You So Much. to insta comments i know thats on me being the laziest person ever but STILL it feels INGENUINE! I like saying thank you also i am a polite little man so dont think that its that)

Orr ok actually its more that how i speak feels sometimes a little umm umm I know some ppl would find it rude i like using periods. Andthis: emote: :) also amazing little guy. So if i talked like i usually do id b like "Thank You.So much:) Happy" but something abt instagram makes me super worried itd come across as WEIRD i dont wanna be WEIRD so i wnd up saying shit like thank u!!❤️ which is alright but that is NOT HOW I SPEAK! So fake of me. Ok. This doesnt matter at all. I just meant to say I like ur little comments everyone. So cute. Wow. Oaky. Heart emoji

[dykefionaapple]

its likee I think i could live the rest of my life as a girl and itd be fine but just feel a little shit and wrong sometimes. its rlly always been like this for me when I think about it, like this itch. and going through different periods of dressing more masc or fem and kind of liking when i got mistaken for a boy as a kid. and the fact is im baisicly nonbinary or genderfluid or whatever label in my head but I cant really figure out how to translate it into the physical world. like idk if i would change my pronouns or body or way i dress and ID and that all just seems like itd be really hard or that some of that wouldnt even be what i want. which makes me feel like some fake and i hate how ppl saying dumb shit about 'transtrenders' has very much gotten in my head where i apply it to myself

[kamil-a]

ok ace route end thoughts. incredibly messy post i put together a lot of it last night, half-asleep, and im trying to just. do my best with that lol

they invented queerbaiting for m/f couples

she was just so recently scared of him, but goes on a camping trip anyway and does seem to have a decent time! caught in by his magnetic pull, huh...

we arent going to OUTER space but we are going to MEDIUM space. which is great!

THE JOKER??!?!?!? THERE WAS A CLOWN MAN??!?!?!? 

it was a gourcus...

really id seen the cg before but still!!! i was so shocked to see him!!!

-oh okay. id dropped the pics and copypasted twitter comments over last night when i was too tired, so this is gonna be out of order a little bit- i do nt rly want to reorder them.

-she MAKES HER CHOICE is the thing, and then joker shows up AFTER to mess around!

=i suspect that the nightmare and peter (putting a note here that peter talks to her a: in the circus and b: she says she feels like he’s trying to poke hole in her decision) that we saw were joker in disguise/projecting illusions or something. because itts ace’s route i assume he did his part himself but itd still be interesting even if it werent i guess?

BITING HER EAR LIKE CHOMP?? RIGHT ON THE LAWN OF HER FAKE MEMORY DREAM HOUSE??? WHERE THERES PROBABLY A FREAKY OTHERWORLD CORALINE LOOKING LORINA GHOST?!?

im horrifascinated with him literally invading her nostalgic memories (and the state she’s tied herself to embodying here in WL!) to like... rub himself all over it. defile the past. AND, showing up in the sunday afternoon peaceful garden times zone is like a fuckyou to peter too... like a cat pissing on a tree in another cat’s territory. theres two separate sex scenes in this ending (lmaooo) but i dont even really think of this one as like. particularly sexual (or i guess i should say erotic? sex is about power blah blah) so much as ace wanting to assert power over alice and peter and like. the ghost of lorina liddell i guess. 

can you see this from heaven? if you could, would this even be the shape your heaven takes? well, in the end youre actually not here to say otherwise . so i will say it as if you’ve seen: haha lorina i am banging your sister

and i think on some level alice knows that lorina... isnt there to catch them in the act. that her objection to this isn’t “whats wrong with you, my sister could walk in on us any second!!!” but “i don’t want you to defile my perfect memories of this place, and of my perfect sister”.

-this is also like. i think one of the most explicit routes ive seen in terms of textual descriptions of things. 

-OH YEAH the other one was really really fun hes like doing an edgy oohhh ur my ruin you will bring my doom roleplay and shes like. excuse me? i dont want to bring your doom. what are you talking about. and hes like aww yeah my girlfriend is going to kill me one day and shes like HUH????? shes literally just trying to have a nice time and he keeps ruining it with his bizarre dirty (?) fantasizing about her destroying him it’s really funny

-and it all even started bc she was talking to peter and ace got jealous. even tho if he LISTENED a bit he’s realize she was talking abt how she chose ace.

-

-they probably had to up the stakes from friendship kissing by making ace a bites you bites you bites you bites you guy but it works for him 

she says he can name most of the stars she points out, but thankfully never gives names so MY CITY NOW - i think they have a lot of constellations named after things from the hunting of the snark + jabberwocky.

(which in my even deeper MY CITY NOW headcanonings is where they adopted their game-and-roleholder system from. so it’s sort of a remnant of it and a remembrance out of respect).

-i always much prefer when it's made textually clear in the moment that she wants something she verbally denies! This one seems particularly clear, i wonder if its a matter of being written years later 

-i can become happy in my own world, too. CAN YOU??? PERSON WHO VOWED TO NEVER BECOME HAPPY???

-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

-lmao he THREW HIS SWORD AT HER to trip her

-i think a lot of this was in the musical

-you gotta wonder why he isnt feeding her the game juice back if he wants her in such a state of stasis, yknow? 

-Instead, having her firmly choose, but swearing he'll remind her of pain- my guess being it's to keep her from truly losing her outsideship? 

its for jnkna reasons i assume, but even hearts era ace is clumsy enough to go about it in the most inconvenient way lmao...

also. i love how the conclusion she comes to after her little "im scared!!!!" detour is like... "well im just weirdly drawn to him. dont know why hes so magnetic. cant help loving him" BC ME TOO HONESTLY????

-THE MOST AUTHENTIC HES EVER BEEN....

-OH YEAH! AND SHE NEVER EVEN FOUND OUT ABOUT JULIUS!!!!!!

-SHE DOESNT KNOW HER BF’S SIDE JOB. OR THAT HE HAS A BEST FRIEND

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 14-20 thoughts!! I finished up s1 :D these last few eps were actually really really good!!!

-did. did tucker really just say esperanto was a dead language only spoken as a secret code between geeks. google says around 100,000 people actively speak it. oh my god...it being an auxiliary language doesn't mean its 'just for geeks to speak in code' ...it helps bridge gaps between people who don't have a language in common...

-danny really isn't pulling punches when it comes to fighting the ghost-cop possessed people huh. like he SLAMMED KWAN INTO THE CONCRETE SO HARD. HE THREW PAULINA INTO A BILLBOARD. will that...I mean it WOULD carry over to their bodies non-possessed, right? like if the ghost piloting their bodies gets hurt?? itd be so upsetting to be possessed, lose time, then wake up covered in bruises (and possibly, broken bones??) real horror movie stuff im sure wont be addressed in any way

-tuckers parents seem nice! I like them :)

-WULF IS CUTE AND I FEEL BAD. im so glad the gang realized he was only causing trouble bc of the shock collar walker put on him and helped. also, him wearing that big hoodie with the hood on, and thinking its subtle. we can tell youre still a giant wolfie :) THEN GETTING SUCKED INTO THE PORTAL AAAAH :( anxiously waiting to see Him Again....

-DANNY BLASTING HIS PARENTS THINKING THEY WERE OVERSHADOWED LMFAO GET THEIR ASSES. maddie marking how many ghosts she gets with lipstick tallies on the side of her portal gun? kindaaa iconic tho. (ALSO, SHE WAS LIKE, 2 FT AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT AFTER SHE TRIED TO SHOOT HIM. HOW DO YOU NOT RECONINZE YOUR OWN SON??? like sure, he might have diff hair/eye colors. but like, if one of my family members dyed their hair, and was wearing contacts, its not like id be like 'wHO IS THIS STRANGER!!!' ...he still has all his facial features!! same everything!!! I hate it here)

-paulina being #1 girl realizing danny's a friendly ghost immediately. smart queen. lancer and kwan ran away right after he made this sweet baby face at them:

which is hilarious.

-ok. im not saying his bullying is JUSTIFIED, but. dash looked so pleased with the (cute!) poster he just painted, and danny comes thru the wall and spills paint on his nice letterman jacket. his anger is justified maybe 65% of the time so far...(not the way he handles it, but STILL.) at least lancer is stepping in!! and them making a silly little bet was...cute?? until dash pulled out his GROSS UNDERWEAR AND SAID DANNY WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEM???? WHAT THE FUCK MAN. TUCKER WAS SO RIGHT ITS FUCKING WEIRD TO CARRY THOSE AROUND EWWW. THIS KID IS UNWELL. lancer was right, his animatronic setup was SUPER IMPRESSIVE?? hes actually pretty creative. danny meanwhile is stealing the fright knight's design...I hope dash is taking art classes or smth with his sports

-fright knight is the most bestest ghost so far i LOVE THAT DESIGN. I am biased towards knights, and characters with swords, but he fucks so severely. and should sue danny for copyright infringement for stealing his design for his haunted house. if some 14 yr old broke into MY house and stole MY sword, id also be pissed. his evil winged unicorn rules too with its FANGS. and he just CAN SHOVE THE PORTAL OPEN WITH HIS HANDS??? is he the strongest ghost weve seen so far? idk but hes my fav. SOUL SHREDDER IS SUCH A COOL SWORD NAME TOO. ANY NAMED SWORD ALSO FUCKS. 'flaming bedsheets of DEATH' funny king. ALSO he was polite to dash and tucker when just asking for directions and telling tucker 'oh maybe, just a suggestion, maybe be nicer to me and be more respectful :)' I LOOOVE HIM.

-I noticed this in the Ember ep, but jazz has an electric guitar in her room!! talent musical queen!! its cool to see hobbies just in the bg.

-fright knight's murder castle reminds me of the booby trapped murder castle in zexal!! another supposedly 'for kids' show with murder/trap castles! we love that. if you are a dp fan reading this, give yugioh zexal a try. its also got 13-14 year old protags and involves (alien) ghosts. the cardgame is just a vessel for the plot, which is really good. (I just want more people to watch my fav yugioh, man)

-danny. with a SWORD.

-danny doesnt NEED TO WIN this contest, dash didnt STEAL HIS DESIGNS AND STEAL A SWORD. he also got excited to hear lancer got sent to a dimension with his worst fears too just so he could win the contest? DANNY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! BRO MAYBE YOURE 14 AND HAVENT FULLY DEVOLPED YOUR WHOLE BRAIN YET, BUT...THATS FUCKED. this kid casually says the most deranged things, I do worry for my spooky son. once again, therapy needed. that judo toss was great tho. I wonder if he actually did pick up some martial arts stuff from his mom?

-danny can fly 112 mph!!! thats so fast! I love the lil montage of him and his friends testing his abilities and stuff, very cute and a good way to showcase what he can do by now and how much more proficient he's gotten from ep 1!!! I'm sure he's going to get more abilities :)

-im glad...maddie's at least TRYING this ep. I do feel for her because her husband is a man baby. but the fact it took 16 episodes to get a kinda semblance of any kind of real concern or attempts at bonding. hmm. jack's 'BACK OFF SHES A MINOR' @ the ghost trying to attack jazz. also was very funny. and him wanting to make an action figure of her? are the parents redeeming themselves to me? slightly. they gotta Work Harder

-THE GHOST. IS FLYING. THE PLANE.

-fenton machete. but she doesnt carry a PHONE??? ???

-I mean I expected vlad when you namedrop him earlier in the ep, and also the title card picture, and dalv corp being fucking vlad backwards. but seeing him just pull up on a golf cart made me bust out laughing. WITH the gift baskets prepared. why wouldnt you at least be suspicious. also, if he wants danny to be his lil sonboy, why is he so fucking malicious?? dude you are going about this in such a bad way. stop it. get some help.

-maddie not even hesitating to drag danny out. fucking good. danny is so right, go on the internet to date. get a cat. how do you spend...how many years?? has it been since college?? at least 20, right, since the parents/vlad are in their 40s? hung up on ONE girl. my god, man. incel drama queen. her kung fu IS impressive, but dude. 'we both know hes a creep' SO right. it sucks but they do need a phone and shit being in the middle of NOWHERE. also, just stealing his helicopter was great. <3

-'you must be exhausted carrying the weight of that mistake you made years ago' 'well we all make mistakes. maybe I'll make one now!' WHY DID THIS EXHCHANGE SEND ME. AND VLAD WITH THE BREATH SPRAY EWWW BITCH. 'OLD BAIT BREATH' SOO RIGHT. both danny and his mom playing him HAHAH hes so dumb. or rather, I think he thinks with his emotions too too much and is...actually pretty gullible? lmao he believed danny was ready to give in SO fast. (which is sad hes that hopeful, like you have SO MUCH MONEY YOU COULD EASILY GET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HAS A KID. AND WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND BE SUPPORTED. GET OVER THIS (1) WOMAN ALREADY IM GETTING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT AAAAH)

-GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR. it was also in the title card, but I still got very excited. we love bears here

-SAM'S BAT SWIMSUIT COVERUP!!! her outfits are simply iconic.

-'i'd tell you to go to the mens room, but I don't think you qualify' top paulina transphobic moments. :( and him wearing a tanktop to the swim park? hmmm! (actually I think she was overshadowed by then, so, KITTY top 10 transphobic moments??)

-kitty just piloting paulina around makes me feel SO bad tho, paulina's gonna wake up and be like 'wtf do you mean I was dating this rando' like youre leading danny on to make johnny jealous, and also just POSSESSING POOR PAULINA. dude take your relationship problems ELSEWHERE. last time we saw them, they seemed like such a cute couple!! wtf johnny!! I mean, she sucks for trying to make him jealous, he sucks for looking at other girls...maybe they need a break, but Not Like This. or, you know, just. better communication...

-and the A-listers having a full packet and a stamp system. who organizes this. kwan fucking owning being the new danny though, this is hysterical. THE TUCKER/KWAN FLOWER FIELD TWIRL. UNIRONICALLY ADORABLE. and him giving it his all for the poetry slam. bless his HEARTTTT.

-Star owns. actually, all of the extra characters are shining this ep and I love it.

-INVISO-BILL??? NOOOO THEY DID HIM SOO DIRTY. DANNY SWEETIE IM SO SORRY.

-johnny and danny bein friends and staging a fake fight (which danny takes too seriously, once again this child has aggression he NEEDS TO WORK OUT) I hope these three stay friends, I said it before but danny needs more friendly ghosts to hang with.

-at this point, Danny's ghost enemies are a lot like, I dunno, batman's rouge gallery is the first thing that comes to mind. they all have their own gimmick and unique designs, but most of them are easy to beat after learning the Moral Lesson. I still get excited when any of them show up again, though. 18 is another valerie episode!!!! :D skulker really said you two will get along if I have to handcuff you together <3 and the gym teacher really said, youre married now, have a flour baby! ngl, I'm not really watching this show for the shipping stuff (which I am very scared to look at the fandom for after I finish this watch through- I feel like there's probably discourse/arguing about ships...) but. I'm gonna put my opinion out there. valerie/danny > sam/danny. maybe I just really love the enemies to lovers trope. And the secret identity stuff adds Extra Flavor.

-SKULKER JUST HAVING THE BOX GHOST AND DANGLING HIM BY A STRING. HILARIOUS. and him watching them with binoculars and making his silly little commentary. AND MAKING THE SACK BABY CRY. LMAO. THIS DUDE IS A BABY KIDNAPPER. skulker is super fun

-danny, you just...collapsed the water tower. and then attacked the nasty burger machine...mascot thingy...out of anger..I KEEP SAYING HE'S GOT ANGER ISSUES BUT. HE REALLY NEEDS A LESSON IN MANAGING COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!! So does valerie!! They're both pretty focused on each other. I mean it's good of Danny to say he's trying to make sure PEOPLE don't get hurt, but... (I mean I guess it's not something 14 year olds WOULD worry about, but as an adult im like, who's going to fix that? how much money will that take??)

-TUCKER MAKING BANK. and sam and tucker being super emotionally attached to their flour baby and being pretty good parents. that's cute...also him just straight kissing her and being like. WAIT. O_O JDSKAFHD. his mom baking them into cookies was the funniest possible result. tbh I dont feel like this is on tucker, if anything the other kid's shouldve been more responsible! He was just taking an opportunity to get that $$ which I respect

-Danny being more understanding of Valerie's situation in the end (helping her at her job, too, and trying to keep that a secret for her!!!) And seeing them work together this ep, and also her letting phantom get her out of the ghost zone...was very sweet. LOVE that. more valerie eps pls

-me when I realize vlad's big stupid house exploded because of his own carelessness with changing the ghost portal ectofiltrator or whatever: *pointing and laughing*

-me when I realize it means he's gonna go make danny's life hell for it somehow: >:(

-SCOOBY PARODY!!! I feel like there's gotta be some scooby doo/danny phantom crossover stuff, right? also, 'guys in white' men in black wishes

-'oh, that's right! dad married the love of your life! you're bitter and alone!' DANNNNNYY GET HIS ASS ONCE AGAIN WE ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING AT VLAD

-'jack, you captured the ghost boy!!' UMM. he did nothing <3 'we have a weapon's vault??' YOU HAVE A WEAPONS VAULT??? and jack didnt put a handle on the inside. of fucking course he didnt! why would you leave that to your son!! or expect him to clean YOUR LAB when its where you work with probably dangerous chemicals and weapons and hes 14!! give him normal chores, like, I dunno, vacuuming, laundry, dishes...CMON. I hate it here. But I'm glad Jack is more chill about danny while he's a ghost, and willing to work with him for this ep. AND. I DID ENJOY JACK PUNCHING VLAD IN THE FACE. AND GENERALLY JUST OWNING HIM. the ghost punchy fists are actually amazing. like yeah, just punch a ghost in the face. that rules.

-ep 20 opens with the coolest fucking ghost lady design. her tattoos can come off and fight. MA'AM. I like ur nose ring and your cape maam hello 👉👈😳

-sam's grandma is hilarious and the most valid member of her family and I love her. thats my grandma now. and tucker covering for sam by dressing as her. thats true friendship <3 also skipping school to go to a goth circus. just bestie things! sam's parents are haters but for all the wrong reasons.

-'my family has controlled ghosts with this for generations!' WAIT. WAIT FREAKSHOW /ISNT/ A GHOST? I didn't expect that...he's just a fucked up guy controlling ghosts? anyway watching danny shoot at police cars and rob banks while mind controlled. its like, the most stereotypical 'bad' things lmao. (tbh an evil ghost circus troupe is a sick concept)

this gives off big deviantart emo edit vibes

(I'm going to assume evil circus reaper danny has a lot of fan content. people love an edgy au, except this one is canon (even tho its via mind control...having the protag go evil otherwise might be hard, I guess?) but au where he stays with the troupe...that has to exist, right?)

ANYWAY. excited to start s2!! lowkey surprised by how many notes some of these posts have gotten. I've gone back and tagged them all with 'dp thoughts' so they're easier to find on my blog! ^^ and I will probably possibly do (more) fanart on my art blog after I finish the watch of the whole show, so like. @sanchoyodraws follow my art blog :)

[pluralrights]

do you have any advice on how to realize if ur plural or not/how to come to terms w being plural ?? ive been thinking about it for a while and sometimes i almost fully agree that i am and then i immediately go back around and say theres no way i can be,,, i know that theres ways to be plural w/o trauma (i dont. think i have trauma ? if i do, it wouldnt have been until i was 12, that i can remember at least) but all of my friends tht r systems r very anti-endo so it kinda scares me to think tht i might b an endo system,,, and while if i /was/ plural itd explain a lot of things but im also scared that the only reason i think im plural is because ive been doing research on dissociative disorders for a project (even though ive been questioning before that,,,). the thought of being plural itself doesn't scare me (id prolly only tell like one person LMAO) but jus,, idk theres jus Something stopping me from accepting it nd idk if its bc im faking it or bc i jus don wan accept it.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS LONG IM SO SORRY tl;dr could u help give some advice on how to realize/come to terms w being plural ??

Hey anon!! We didnt spend much time questioning plurality ourselves (though accepting it as a positive thing was a Lot longer of a process) so we don’t have much specific advice, but generally a few things-

- You can’t fake things accidentally!! You can be wrong or mistaking your experiences for something else, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Exploring your identity in general is a good thing! Even if you’re not yet 100% sure, doing things like trying to reach out to your system members, making them pluralkit profiles, and making a plural tumblr and just generally seeing if identifying/presenting as plural feels right can be helpful!!

-From what im getting i think having your friends negatively view your identity is making things harder for you, and thats definitely a hard situatuation, but i think joining some inclusive plural spaces (ie, discord servers) that welcome questioning systems (most do!) could be helpful for you as well (we’ve reblogged some links to ones we personally think are comfortable before!)

We wish you the best of luck and hope youre having a good day <3!!

[hellbabyfromhell]

Do you truly think a lot of your old friends wronged you and thought to only make your life worse and less yours? Its easy to associate a bad time and place in your life with much more

interesting questions and phrasing, whoever-you-are. yes, i was wronged, and majorly. when my father died in a really traumatic way for me, like Very bad, these “friends” “took me in”. this sounds nice and in some ways was, but the catch was that i was basically their paypig. they eventually swindled me into paying literally half of the rent. i had interitance money, and i felt that, as they cared for me, that somehow that wasn’t wrong. against all my friends advice, i kept doing that. for four years. the amount of money they took from me is sickening. my dad was a taxi driver in boston and he worked his ass off to become a writer, and he was literally NEVER without his computer because he was working all the time. and he did it for me, to make sure i’d be safe when he wasnt around. so despite my friends warnings, i paid that rent. i felt obligated to, i felt like they were my family, because it really felt that way, and family helps family. i think they used my vulnerability and my need to better myself after my dads death to get more out of me. i dont think everything they did was intrinsically Fake like i know they cared about me... just not more than themselves. maybe a month or two after my dad died, i had that kind of PTSD where id go fully catatonic and couldn’t like handle things or filter things or speak.... i was broken. what does my new Precious Loving Family do? they convince me to sell my father’s car. i really associate my dad’s car with him because of the taxi thing and it was full of dumb junk we’d collected and we’d listen to death grips double helix in there. i could hardly even look at it. but instead of like, letting me just keep the car in the driveway, that itd be an amazing idea to sell the car so one roommate could get a better car, and that would be better for me because she could drive me around 🤗 that offer almost immediately ended, because they were never willing. in order to get a ride to my therapist’s from them, theyd have to have a reason to go out themselves like getting a baskin robbins. but most heinous in all this is, in my like completely wrecked, catatonic part of my life, when i was barely present. and they took me to a dealership and had me just... pawn off my dads car. she didnt even get a ton from it. and there was so much stuff in there... at the time it was too painful to look at but i can remember so many important special things that were in that car, but they sold it without regard for my feelings. i dont remember, but maiya (who went to the dealership with me to support me) said i was like NOT there. and they were like Yup this is someone who can make an IMMEDIATE decision about selling her beloved fathers beloved Subaru Forester. i didnt even get a last look through his stuff. i’ll never, ever, ever get that stuff back ever and i was too fucked in the head to handle it. but they didnt care about anything but what they could gain in that moment, and i think that was the issue. i do think they cared about me kind of, and i loved them and trusted them and felt indebted to them even though they sort of like... yes they were nice but they were always Taking. the rent situation is complicated so i wont get into like how it ended up happened but i in no way intended to stay with them for that long. i cared about them and showered them with really considerate gifts. and i was given gifts too but.... they didnt really care how much they were taking. what they were once grateful for had become routine, and was no longer a problem in their eyes. this is when things really started to deteriorate. we were evicted from the first house, and one of the roommates gave me a reason but they were definitely lying. we were given a month to leave. we moved into a nice house , and it was very cool because it was super near my work. but, oh, i still needed to pay half the rent! just while they got on their feet at least! no biggie! and besides my room was biggest! 😇 (they were actually trying to take that room and make me take the significantly smaller room and still pay most. (cont)

[theokotrain]

Vestige - Interlude: The Party

Wattpad Version

As the night fills the sky

All my fears are dissipating

'Cause I feel reassured

That I might make it through

And if all my luck should burn

Then I guess it burned for you

---

April 13th, 2012

I was sitting on my bed, back against the bed frame with my knees raised in front of me, holding up my laptop. I had been spending the last few hours writing an essay for my English class, specifically answering the topic question my teacher had given everybody: "How do our past experiences influence our decisions?". The question was simple enough, it's a pretty universally recognized idea that stuff that happens to us has an effect on our decision making. I mean, that's what it means to grow, right? You gain more knowledge as you live through life and form new memories, and that helps you make more informed decisions in the future.

I've never really been too good at writing anything analytical, especially non-fiction. Essays and research papers that required informed arguments that helped to prove your point? Those were an entirely unknown game to me, one which I had never managed to breeze through. Of course, we were supposed to use some of the books we've read this year as evidence for our arguments, so that at least made it a bit easier, even if most of the books were ones from nearly five decades ago and definitely out of touch at this point. The sound of my laptop's keys clicking as I typed away were the only sounds I could pick up in the room. I had my earphones in for a bit, but those always hurt my ears after a while, so I had taken them out.

Looking at the time in the corner of my laptop screen, it was 4:43 PM. I started writing as soon as I got home from class, so I've only been going for about an hour. Unfortunately, this essay is a non-insignificant amount of my course grade, so I needed to finish this as soon as possible.

God, it's a Friday! I could be out doing something actually fun with Shae and the other guys. Isn't that the whole point of high school? That's what it always seemed like in movies, at least, but I guess I've been a victim of false advertising.

After a bit more time passes, the sound of my phone ringing from my desk brings me out of my writing trance. I sigh, setting my laptop next to me on the bed, not wanting to get out of bed, but eventually forcing myself into maneuvering over to the desk, I grab the phone and flip it open, looking to see the Caller ID.

Shaela.

I instantly accept the call, it's almost second nature at this point. She calls me at least once a day so she can tell me about whatever person is pissing her off that day, or whatever drama she's heard from her other friends. I was never really one for gossip, or whatever, but I did appreciate talking to her.

I put the phone up to my ear, "What's up?" I say, a tinge of fatigue in my voice.

"Hey! Just warning you that I'm like five minutes from your place and you don't have a say in the matter." She replied bluntly. I can hear the sound of cars driving by on the other side of the phone, so she's obviously outside, confirming her words.

I take a deep breath before speaking, "...Why?" I said with exasperated sarcasm.

"Because! I have something to tell you, and if I say it over the phone then I seriously doubt it'll work out in the way I'm hoping it does."

"That clears up nothing, actually, and now I regret picking up."

"Even if you didn't answer, that doesn't stop your parents from letting their son's lovely goody-two-shoes of a friend stop by for a visit!" She exclaimed, a mischievous tone subtly layered in her voice.

She's not wrong.

"Wow, you make this sound like you're sneaking into a high-security building or something." I say, utterly confused at her motives. "Obviously you can come over, but I'm not exactly filled with confidence at whatever you're planning."

"Like I said, I can't tell you yet, but it's gonna be awesome!" She said. There was an unusual perkiness to her that made itself pretty clear over the phone.

Before I can say anything, I'm met with the dial tone, signalling that she had hung up. The only thing I can do at this point is wait for her to get here, I guess. She always lets herself in when she comes over, so I don't make the effort to meet her downstairs. A sudden ping sound fills the quiet room, seeming to come from my laptop. I get back into bed, looking to see where the notification came from.

It's a message from Tyler.

He's definitely the newest member of our little group, if even that. I'm the only person in the group that he's actually friends with so far, despite my efforts to bring him along on any plans we all make. I only met the Grey Wolf back in February, at the beginning of the second semester, in the school's photography class. Nobody I knew signed up for it, and due to our prestigious high school's advanced budget for technology, we were forced to be paired up for shared computer use in the Photography Room. I suppose Tyler was also fortunate enough to not know anybody in the class, as we ended up being paired together by the teacher. He was definitely someone I could only describe as uninterested, as the first week or two I spent with him in that class consisted of him either giving me one word answers or answering in the most blunt, bored tone he could manage. Though, it seemed that it took a bit of persistence on my part to push him to be more open, and since then he's grown to be a pretty great friend.

Tyler: u goin to that party tonight ive been hearin about?

Party? I wasn't made aware of anything like that, at least... not yet. Something in the back of my brain was telling me that Shae had ulterior motives about coming to my place so suddenly, but I'm still hoping that I'm wrong. I hate parties.

Jake: party? havent heard anything, are u going?

Tyler: thinkin about it

think its gonna be over at chris's place, guess his parents r gone for the weekend or somethin

Jake: chrisssss? ughh that guy is such an asshole

Tyler: yeah u dont havee to go, but itd prob be more fun to have someone u actually know there

The way he worded that was directed at me, but I could tell he didn't want to go on his own.

Jake: i guess ill think about it

Tyler: sickk, call me if u make up ur mind

Before I can type my farewells over IM, Shaela energetically bursts through the door.

"Jesus! You scared the shit outta me, don't you knock?" I said, mildly exasperated.

"Oh come on, I literally called you a few minutes ago, you had plenty of time to not make a situation where it'd be a bad idea for me to barge in," She replies, laughing, before setting her bag on the ground and dramatically falling into my bed. "Today was garbage."

"What happened?"

"Ugh, Claire decided to just not show up, I guess, on the day we're supposed to present that stupid History project? And, obviously, she didn't give me her part of the project or anything, so I had tell Mr Thomas about the situation, which was fucking embarrassing." She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Luckily, he said he wouldn't reduce my grade for handing it in late, since I actually had my part finished. God, what a bitch- I must've called her like thirty times before class to get her to email me her part, and every time it went straight to voicemail - and she told me last night that she'd have it ready for today!"

"Have you gotten a hold of her yet?" I asked, closing my laptop and setting it beside me.

Shae turns her head to me, shaking her head, "Nope, she's been ghosting me all day."

"Sounds like typical Claire."

"Yeah, I shouldn't have partnered with her, but apparently I can't say no to anyone, so..." I chuckle lightly in response. "Anyways! I didn't just come here to complain to you!" She says, sitting up on the bed, now facing towards me.

"Right... So what was so important that you just had to tell me in person?" I say, sarcastically.

"Like I said, if I asked you over the phone you would've definitely said no, and my ability to pressure you into doing things isn't as effective unless it's in person!" She responded.

I subtly rolled my eyes, but it's clear she noticed from the stare-down she gave me, "Okay, so what is it?"

"Soooooo..." She says, trying to find the rest of the words, "There's a party."

Wow.

"Wh- did everybody know about that party except for me?!?" I exclaimed.

Shaela's face quickly turns to an expression of shock, "Who told you?"

"Tyler did, like, not even five minutes ago." I say, bluntly.

"What? How does he know Chris?"

"Friend-of-a-friend, I'm guessing?"

"Hmm..." She hummed, thinking about something, "So, did you tell him you were going?"

"I specifically said I'd think about it, nothing definite." I made it clear in my tone that I wasn't particularly interested.

"Oh, come on, dude! It'll be fun!"

I didn't really have an interest in going, but I know it'd make Shae happy, plus it'd be nice to hang out with Tyler again even if we've only known each other for a couple months.

"...Fine. But, if Chris or any of his buddies start shit, I'm leaving."

"Awesome!"

"Lemme just call Tyler and let him know," I said as I grabbed my phone and flipped it open, finding Tyler in my contact list and dialling.

"You gonna bring him with-" The phone rings a few times before he picks up and I extend my hand out towards Shae in a shushing motion. She rolls her eyes, smirking.

"Hey? So are ya gonna go?" He said eagerly.

"Well, Shae showed up at my door literally right after you messaged me, asking the same thing!" I exclaimed in a fake-preppy voice. "So, I guess I have no choice since she'll probably just drag me there if I say no," I joked. She nods her head toward me in response.

"Oh, is she going too?" He inquired.

"Yeah, I guess so! Your place is kinda on the way to Chris', so we could probably meet you at your place and go from there."

"Yeah! Sounds good!" He quickly responded.

I laughed, "Okay, we'll call you when we get there?"

"Sure thing!"

We exchanged our farewells, and hung up. The party wasn't for at least another hour or two, so Shae and I had some time to burn, of which I was entirely out of ideas. I figured I could at least spend this time actually being productive, so I grabbed my laptop and continued on writing my English essay as Shae resumed her previous conversation topic of stuff at school that was pissing her off. It was pretty entertaining, to be fair. She was telling me about how Chris had gotten in a fight with this other kid in our grade yesterday after class, which I wasn't lucky enough to witness, but it was obviously all anyone would talk about for basically the entire day today so word spread around fast. The part I hadn't heard about was that both Chris and the other guy, Nathan, got suspended for a week because of it. Chris was generally an asshole to everybody, including myself, so I didn't feel too bad about that. Although, I didn't know Nathan all that well. Other than having a few classes together, I don't think I've ever held an actual conversation with the guy. I think it was safe to assume that Chris was the one who started it, and Shae seemed to agree with me, even though she hadn't seen the fight either.

"But, apparently Nathan's gonna show up tonight!" She exclaimed coyly.

"...Remind me again why you want me to go to this specific party?"

"You'll have a great time! It's not like we'll be involved in the drama anyway so think of it more as entertainment!"

"I think you and I have different definitions of the word 'entertainment'," I joked.

"I'm sure you can go run off somewhere with Tyler if you're not having fun," She said, her tone reminding me of my mom.

"Oh yeah? What about you?"

"I can't just leave Alex at a party with Chris, those two start shit between each other so much and I'd rather not deal with the aftermath of that today."

"I'm guessing it's safe to assume that Elliot's going too, then?"

"He's not big on parties, but he'll usually go if everyone else is, unlike somebody," She says, gesturing towards me.

"Good one," I reply, unmoving as I keep typing away at my assignment.

"Well, we should probably leave soon since we're stopping at Tyler's place on the way.

I saved the document I had been working on, closing my laptop. "Sounds good to me!"

---

"I can't believe you actually agreed to go." Tyler joked as we walked towards the road from his house.

"Yeah, me either." I replied. I definitely didn't put in any effort in dressing up for the party, opting for a snug space-themed graphic tee, along with black jeans and a white zip-up hoodie. Shae and Tyler both stand on opposite sides of me as we walk down the sidewalk.

"Luckily I learned the subtle techniques in convincing you to do things against your better judgement, so now you get to have fun for once!" Shae exclaimed.

"It's not my fault that going to a party is literally the last thing on earth I'd do for fun in any normal situation." I retorted, putting my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"Oh yeah? And what do you consider a 'normal situation'?" Shae asks.

"Any situation where you guys aren't the ones trying to get me to go! I'm only doing this for you two, y'know." I said, looking over at both of them.

"What about Elliot and Alex?" Tyler chimed in.

"They aren't the ones asking me to go to this party." I sarcastically remarked, trying to keep the conversation light-hearted. "Speaking of the party- this is Chris we're talking about, there's gonna be beer, right?"

"Uh, duh?" Shae replied.

"Yeah, that's a definite no for me, I'm already enough of a disappointment to my parents,"

"No one's making you drink, Jake. At least you'd be safe if some old hag called the cops about the noise." Shae said.

"I think at that point we're guilty by association, so we'd just make a run for it if that happens," Tyler joked.

"Dude, the chance of me outrunning a police officer successfully is about as likely as me not wanting to punch Chris tonight."

"And the chance of you winning that fight is just as low!" Shae retorted, Tyler laughing in response.

"I specifically said 'want' because of that very reason!"

"Wow, I'd pay money to see you fight that guy." Tyler said, nudging his elbow into my side.

It isn't a secret that I'm not exactly athletic. I mean, I'm definitely not weak, but fighting basically any animal of a similar size to mine was not a situation that favoured my victory.

"That sounds more like just getting the shit kicked outta me for your entertainment." I remarked, lightly punching Tyler's shoulder in return.

"Absolutely worth every penny!" Shae exclaimed. Luckily, the place wasn't any more than ten minutes away from Tyler's place, so I didn't have to endure listening to these two talk about me getting beat up for much longer.

We finally make it to Chris' house, and I'm suddenly filled with an impending sense of regret. Obviously, my parents would never in a million years agree to me going to a party like this. As far as they know, I'm just spending the evening hanging out with Shae at Tyler's house. So yeah, this entire night had a lot of potential for disaster.

Shae can clearly see my hesitation, because she grabs my hand, leading me up the walkway, Tyler following closely behind.

"I wonder if Elliot and Alex beat us here?" She says, knocking on the front door.

"I doubt they had anything to do earlier, hell they probably came straight here after school, knowing Alex." I said, laughing.

Our conversation is cut short by the opening door, revealing the familiar black cat.

"Oh, look, the Stephenson kid brought his girlfriend!" Chris exclaimed mockingly, looking back into the house, before peering around my shoulder, "And... Tyler?" He said, inquisitively.

I lean over, blocking Tyler from his line of sight, "Yeah, hey, not dating by the way!" I said. I've known Shae since I first moved to Vestige, around the time I turned five years old, so it wasn't uncommon for rumours to go around that we were dating. I've always thought of her more as a sister, if anything.

"I asked them to come!" Tyler said. That was only partly true, but according to Tyler, they've been 'somewhat-friends' for quite a while now, so saying that would at least mean less mild-harassment from Chris for tonight.

"Oh, uh, okay... come on in! But you're on the hook for any shit they pull, Tyler!" He said, opening the door wider.

---

The party had been going on for a few hours at this point. I could recognize most of the animals here from school, but not enough to actually hold a conversation with any of them, so most of my time here had just been spent with Shae and Tyler. The place hasn't been incredibly crowded luckily, but there were easily about forty others in this part of the house alone. I'm assuming only high school grades were invited, but there were a considerable number of students to meet that requirement. The issue at hand for me, other than how crowded this place is, is that both Shae and Tyler ditched me to go... somewhere? I think Shae saw some of her friends and went somewhere with them, but Tyler was pretty secretive about where he was going, only telling me that he'd be back in a bit. So I've been standing here in this random corner of the house with a drink in hand, trying to make myself look busy and not awkward, which is exactly why I didn't want to go to this party in the first place!

"Jake!" A voice shouted from a ways away.

I turn my head in confusion, revealing Alex, walking towards me from across the room.

"Oh, Alex! Hey! What's up dude!" I finish the last bit of my soda, waving at him. Because this was Chris' party, there was obviously beer too, but I didn't feel like coming home drunk and my parents finding out.

"I didn't think you'd wanna come to something like this! Feeling the regret yet?"

"I like parties! It's the times like these when I'm standing in a corner by myself with nothing to do that I hate, which seems to happen every time I go to a party!" I exclaimed, pausing for a moment. "Okay, maybe I do hate parties- I've had to explain this so many times today I'm about ready to jump into Lake Ambuscade."

' "Wow, sounds like somebody needs to socialize instead of stewing in a corner for the rest of the night!"

"Socialize? Really? I know just about everybody here and just about none of them are worth talking-"

"Hang with me and Elliot, then? Justin set up some racing games in the other room, we were gonna join, but we could use a fourth... You in?" He said, his tone obviously trying to sound coercing.

"God, please, anything to get me out of this corner for the next three hours." I said, Alex returning my words with a laugh.

"Well, come on then! We'll have to hurry if we want to get one of the good controllers!" He exclaimed, motioning to follow him.

As we move through the various cliques, I recognize a few faces here and there, though not enough to actually want to talk to them. There's been music playing since we got here, and I have yet to recognize a single song, they all seem to be some form of drone-y bass-heavy music that I can't say I've heard in any normal situations. I'm doing my best to follow Alex, although he keeps weaving between the other animals faster than I can keep up, resulting in me having to shove past everyone near me in an effort to speed myself up. Luckily, it seems that no one notices me anyway.

When we arrive in the other room, it seems to just be another living room, but decorated with a galore of punk band posters, shelves holding more DVD cases than I would ever care to count, and even a mini-fridge. Maybe Chris is the type to have a 'man cave' or something? Just hearing that phrase almost makes me want to vomit, but there aren't any more accurate words that come to mind. The room isn't massive or anything, but the TV resting upon the wall across the room seems to challenge that idea, looking almost eighty inches in size. Luckily no randoms from the party were in here, sitting about ten feet away from the TV is Elliot, leaning back in a purple bean bag chair that seems almost three times bigger than him, and Justin, the cougar I'd only known slightly through Alex, laying down sideways on the couch directly in front of the gigantic screen.

"Whatttt! You took the bean bag chair? Lameee..." Alex whined.

"You're the one who wanted to go get Jake, you snooze you lose!" Elliot retorted, looking oddly proud of himself.

"Damn, wish I had a room like this at my house..." I mumbled, looking around the room.

"Are we gonna play or what?" Justin said, cutting through the momentary silence.

"Duh!" Alex claimed.

Justin sits up, taking the spot on the couch closest to Elliot. I opt for the leftmost seat, and Alex sits in-between the both of us. Elliot grabs the other three controllers and tosses them over at us, one by one. Luckily, there weren't any garbage third-party controllers, so at least none of us would have to deal with that. I will admit, it did feel kinda weird going to someone's party just to play games away from everybody, but I would be lying if I said I didn't prefer that, even though I rarely play games, if ever.

After Justin turns the console on, he goes through the menus, launching the game. I can't say I recognize the title, but it seems to be a pretty standard racing game. He goes into the custom mode, opting for a four-player split-screen match, choosing 'R1' as the category of cars to race in. As everyone chooses their cars, I scroll through the list, not really knowing what to pick. I've never been good with car stuff, so I pick an 'Aston Martin Lola' just based on the number-rating system the game ranks the cars with.

"You guys ready?" Justin asks.

"Oh yeah, get ready to eat my dust you guys!" Elliot exclaims, challengingly.

"Oddly prideful words for someone about to lose!" Alex replies, laughing.

The countdown begins, as the cameras slowly show the view of each car as it moves to the rear. When it starts, I somehow manage the fuckup of spinning my tires out, leaving me a few seconds behind the others as the car swerves back and forth. I curse under my breath as I try to regain control of the car, and swiftly pick up speed. The track seems like nothing I haven't seen before, a typical professional track, with rows and rows of audience seating to the side. Unfortunately, I'm now in last place. The next few moments of the track are a few quick corners, allowing me the chance to catch up, at least a little.

Unexpectedly, the track turns off of the main road, going into a forested area. The road is considerably more narrow at this point, so it takes a conscious effort to not drive into the trees by the asphalt. It looks like the road stretches on forever, as I still can't make out any upcoming turns. I guess the car I chose for the race had a better top speed than Justin's, as I'm quickly catching up to him, moving into third place. I'm gripping my controller to an uncomfortable degree, but I can't seem to relax the tension as I try to make my way into second place. I don't think I can pick up any more speed in this car, so me moving up is reliant on the road staying straight for just a bit longer. After what feels like a lifetime, the front of my car finally starts making it past Elliot's, then the midsection, and finally, I'm in second. The sound of all four car engines is drowning out any remnants of the video game music, and I feel the sudden urge to curse out whoever turned the TV volume up this high. My eyes are focused entirely on Alex's car as I make my final push into first place. If I were actually driving this fast in the real world, I'd be scared out of my fucking mind. Out of nowhere, Alex, and the others, begins to slow down considerably.

Oh fuck.

It's at that point I notice that there is a sharp right turn rapidly approaching. I've been pushing the top-speed of this car since the beginning of this stretch of road, and now I'm going too quickly to stop in time. What's the button to use the handbrake, again? I figure that the only way for me to not fuck up this race for myself is to try to drift around the corner. Considering I've never played this game before, it's going to prove to be a challenge. But, it's either that, or just ending up in dead-last again.

I hold down the A button, and pull the joystick as far to the right as possible. Suddenly, all I can hear from the game is the loud skidding sounds of my tires against the asphalt. To my surprise, I cut the corner a bit early, now going over the grass. I try to do a bit of directional-corrections and start heading back onto the track. Going over the grass definitely slowed me down a fair bit, but it definitely was a significantly better outcome over just crashing into the wall. And, to my surprise, the corner of my screen reads... first?!?

"How the fuck...?" Alex questions, seemingly in disbelief.

"I wish I could tell you." I replied, eyes wide at whatever the fuck just happened.

The distance I managed to gain on Alex isn't by a whole lot, but there's only about a quarter of the track left before we reach the finish line, so I have a chance at winning this. The track hurriedly changes from the forest as it reenters the main track. The long, straight roads seem to end as the road becomes a slow series of sharp turns, never giving me the opportunity to get back up to speed. It seems like the high top speed was my only advantage, because at every corner we take, I turn my camera around, revealing the other cars inching closer and closer to me.

I can see the finish line on the mini-map, just a few more turns away. I know that I'm not gonna be able to distance myself from Alex and the others at this point, so my only feasible strategy is to keep moving, cutting the corners as fast as I can, and getting to the finish line before they can pass me. Unfortunately, Alex's car seems to be getting too close for comfort now, meaning I might have to take some risks to ensure I can stay in first. As we approach the final turn, leading into the finish line, I realise I'm gonna have to try to drift this corner. I can feel my pointer finger practically cracking the plastic on the controller from the amount of pressure I'm putting on the right trigger. In a final plea to win, I push down on the A button, pulling the handbrake. The car starts to smoothly skid around the corner. Luckily, there are barriers on the sides of the road this time, preventing me from sliding onto the grass. To my surprise, the drift seems to work better than expected. That is, until, like the fucking idiot I am, make a slight overcorrection towards the left barriers as I exit the drift. I managed to avoid driving directly into the wall, but it did slow me down a bit.

Alex is immediately behind me, and I put all of my strength into accelerating towards the finish line. I'd be fucked if I broke the controller, cause I can't really afford the fifty dollars to buy a new one, but winning this race is more important to me at the moment. The finish line is only about five-hundred metres away, and Alex is slowly beginning to pass. All I can do at this point is push the gas as much as I can, and pray that I can cross the finish line before he can get back into first place. The finish line gets closer and closer, and it seems like it's gonna be too close for me to accurately tell the winner. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest from how stressful this fucking game has been, and now, we're about to find out whose efforts paid off. As each car makes its way over the finish line, each of our dedicated sections of the screen turns to slow motion. When it's finally over, the text fades in on each screen, revealing our place...

...

...

...Second?!?

"FUCK!" I shouted, realising I had been holding my breath since the final stretch of the race.

"HA! Dude, you suck!" Alex exclaimed, playfully shoving me.

"I think that was the most effort I've put into anything in my life." I said, setting my controller on the coffee table in front of me.

"Wow, that's dramatic," Justin remarked.

"Yeah, that's the usual for Jake," Elliot replied, laughing.

"You probably woulda won if you picked a better car, dude. That track was way too close-quarters so you should've gone with a car with better acceleration." Alex said.

"Wha- do you own this game?" I questioned, looking accusatory.

"...Yeah? It came out a few months ago, pretty popular right now." He replied.

"Ugh, this is what I get for playing with a bunch of gamers." I exclaimed, applying a disgusted tone to the last word.

"Not my fault you only play like one game a month!" Alex joked.

"Even then, I was like this close to beating you anyway!" I said, gesturing a minuscule distance between my thumb and pointer finger.

A voice interrupts our argument, coming from right outside the room, "Uh huh...

...

Really? That's bullshit! Come on...

...

Dude, give me a couple of days, I'll make it right!

...

Yeah, I swear."

It seems that we all stopped talking to listen in at the same time. "That sounds like Tyler... who's he arguing with?" Elliot asked. I can't make out the voice of whoever he's talking to, it just sounds like mumbling.

They seem to pause for a moment, and the sound of a single set of footsteps can be heard.

"Fuck..." Tyler says to himself, still out of view.

"...I should probably see what's up, you guys can keep playing without me." I say, getting up from my spot on the couch.

"Yeah, you do that! Less competition for me," Alex exclaims, laughing to himself.

"Hey, I can still beat your ass at this game, I know exactly which car to pick this time!" Elliot argued.

"Yeah, right! Guess we'll find out!"

I leave as the three start up another game, kind of glad I don't have to have another near-heart attack from playing again. When I get back into the dimly-lit hallway, Tyler is nowhere to be seen.

I look around, heading into the main room of the house to see if I can spot him. It's pretty difficult to see anything, because of how dim it is here, plus the sheer amount of animals crowding up the place. Despite that, I manage to spot the Grey Wolf a ways away, hurrying quickly into the bathroom.

As I shove my way through a few groups of teens, I almost fall over a few times, gaining confused stares from a few in the room. I lightly knock on the bathroom door, waiting for a response, "Hey, you okay Tyler?" After a few moments, I'm returned with no answer, "...Tyler-" Before I can finish my sentence, Tyler swiftly pulls open the bathroom door, pulling me in and shutting the door behind me, before sitting down on the side of the bathtub. As I'm about to say something, I hear the sound of him sniffling.

...Is he crying?

He's looking towards the floor, so I can't confirm it visually, but the sound definitely gives it away.

"Whoa, what's wrong? Did something happen?" I asked worriedly, not yet choosing to bring up the argument we overheard.

There's a few seconds of silence as he tries to bring himself together, not very successfully. "I- I... I don't- I don't think I can-"

"It's fine, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I tried to reassure him. He raises his head for a moment to look at me, trying to find words to say, instead opting to go back to crying, head in his hands. I've never been good with situations like this, so I sit down next to him, putting my hand on his upper back, softly patting.

"I'm sorry- I'm a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have asked you to come."

"Hey! I've been having fun! Don't worry about me, it seems like you're the one who shouldn't have come." I joke, in some effort to lighten the mood.

Shit, was that inconsiderate of me to say?

To my surprise, he manages to let out a light laugh, "Yeah, I'm starting to realise that."

"...Do you wanna leave, then? They know I didn't want to go here in the first place, so you could just say you're being nice and walking me home." I didn't know if he would actually take up that offer, but I know some guys have a weird thing about not wanting to seem 'uncool' and leaving a party early was definitely considered that.

He thinks for a moment, still sniffling pretty noticeably. "...okay, just- give me a minute, I don't want to go out there looking like this." He mumbles, looking towards the door.

"Yeah, that's fine." I said, continuing to rub around his neck area.

This definitely wasn't how I expected the night to go. But it was a sort of 'two-birds-with-one-stone' kind of situation. I get to help out Tyler, which is usually the other way around, I get to leave early, and hopefully Shae stops bugging me about going to parties, at least for a while.

Now that I think about it, that analogy is pretty messed up.

A few silent minutes go by as I sit next to the still-crying Tyler, waiting for him to recollect himself. Even though he hasn't actually said anything here, in the two months I've known him, this is probably the most vulnerable I've ever seen him. When I first met him, it was pretty accurate to describe him as the kind of guy who acts like he never feels emotion. Hell, even I refuse to be open about my feelings, but most of my friends see through that nowadays. Even now, I don't really understand why I do that. I guess it's just easier to not talk about shit like that? Is that why Tyler does it?

"I think I'm good now," He said, shaking his hands as he stood up.

"Okay, let's get out of this dumpster fire." I sarcastically remarked. Tyler shot me a confused look in return. "Whatever, let's just go."

I open the bathroom door, grabbing his arm as I lead him out into the main room. Almost immediately the voice of a certain black cat perks up behind us.

"Oh? And what did you two get up to in there?" Chris remarked, laughing, "I didn't know you guys were THAT kind of friends!"

God damnit. This stupid fucking feline.

"Yeah, it's too loud out here for me, I needed a break, he came with." I explained, Tyler standing closely behind me with a confused look on his face. Just roll with it, dude, I think to myself, knowing I probably shouldn't say that out loud.

"You know, I would believe that, but normal guys actually just go outside when they need a break." He replied.

"Well, hey! That's where we're going right now, so it all checks out!" I say in the bitchiest voice I can muster.

"Heh, sure thing, Jake." He said, sounding weirdly satisfied with himself. I didn't want to spend any more time in this fucking house than I needed to, especially while talking to Chris, so I continue on, pulling Tyler by the hand towards the exit. After a few moments, we make it to the front door. I promptly open it and we both head outside.

We're immediately greeted by the light of the moon and the starry sky as we head down the walkway toward the street. One of the few benefits of living in such a backwater town was the absence of any significant light pollution. I've been to Portland a few times for school field trips and such, and seeing the sheer difference in visible stars was absolutely staggering. I could only imagine what it would be like to go stargazing in the middle of nowhere.

"At least it's a nice night out." I said.

"Yeah..." Tyler replied, his mind clearly in a completely different place.

"I should probably tell Shae where we went, so she doesn't freak out trying to find us back there." I joked, pulling out my cell phone. Texting on my flip phone was an arduous task, but I didn't want to call her, so I had not much of a choice.

I send the text, and close my phone, returning it to my pocket. As we walk down the road, we stew in the silence, the only auditory sounds coming from the party still close by, and the local crickets chirping.

I won't lie, as much as I usually appreciate quiet, this is the loudest silence I've ever been stuck in. It goes on for more than five minutes. I could tell he wanted to say something, and I was eager to find out whatever was going on that started this in the first place. But, like the coward I am, I try to lighten the mood.

"Hopefully that satisfied your quota of me going to parties with you for a while, cause I do not plan on having the energy for something like that again for at least a few months." I said, awkwardly laughing. He doesn't respond, at least for a while, as he raises his hand, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "...Uhh, are you sure you don't wanna talk about it? I mean-"

"Can I tell you something?" He interrupted, his voice still cracking like it was in the bathroom.

"...Sure?" I replied, slightly confused.

"It's just that- I don't really know- like what-"

"-to say? Just think for a minute. No rush." That's what my dad always says whenever my mind spirals. I used to be really anxious, although I've been getting better at controlling my thoughts in the past few years.

When I went to text Shae a few minutes ago, my phone's clock read 9:48 PM. I'm supposed to be home at ten and we're still at least twenty minutes away, not even including the detour we'll take to get to Tyler's place. Which brings me to the realisation that, when we get to his house, I'm gonna have to walk the rest of the way home by myself, in the dark. If I get murdered by some serial killer this late at night I'm gonna fucking haunt Shae from the afterlife-

"I think I'm gay," He quickly says, his voice holding a noticeable increase in energy compared to what I've been used to tonight.

Well... can't say that's exactly what I was expecting. Was I expecting anything in particular? I honestly don't know anymore. His words took me by surprise, my brain is kind of scrambled right now. I look over at him - he's looking back at me, probably trying to gauge my reaction. I did my best to conceal any facial reaction, but it's pretty clear that my lack of a response is starting to become noticeable.

"...You... think?"

"Well, like- I don't know. I guess I've just been thinking for a while, and it makes sense... all things considered." He replied anxiously.

"That- That's great! Does anyone else know?"

"I only really realised a few weeks ago, so... no. But compared to anyone else, I probably trust you the most to not like- tell anyone?" He said, looking over at me again.

"Well, I appreciate the completely undeserved confidence you have in me," I joked, realising too late that now probably isn't the time for that, "Yeah, I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you," He replies, a genuine smile strewn across his face.

A few minutes go by as we walk down the road, absorbing the positive energy we created. Having only known Tyler for a little over two months, it definitely surprised me knowing that he trusted me more than anyone else to keep a secret like that... I mean, despite the short amount of time since I met him, I'm as close to him as I've been to Shaela for the past eight years. Maybe even closer? I barely even tell Shae about my actual problems, at least the non-surface level stuff. So yeah, I guess it makes sense that he would trust me with something so important, I know I would absolutely trust him if it were me in that situation.

"...So, do you think you're gonna tell your dad?"

He didn't say anything for a moment as he stared down at the ground beneath him, "I'll probably have to tell him soon, if he has to find out from some asshole that isn't me it'd make it ten times more difficult than if I just said it myself."

I agreed, and we let the conversation cut itself off as we finally approached Tyler's house. I followed him up the walkway and stood on the patio, making sure he actually got inside. He tries the doorknob eagerly, to no avail. Realising that it was locked, he reaches into his pocket for his key - again, to no avail.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me," Tyler mumbled under his breath, clearly done with tonight. All of the lights were off in the house, signalling that his dad was not awake.

"Maybe you'll wake him up if you knock? Then he can let you in."

"Nonono, he thinks I'm staying at your place! If he finds out I went to a party I'm in deep shit," He whispered.

Of course. If I had to lie to my parents, why would I expect anything different from anyone else?

"Okay, uhh... maybe we can make that lie... not a lie?" I said, sounding weirder than I'd like.

Tyler looked at me, confused for a moment, eyes widening as he realised what I meant, "I can't let you do that, I've already forced you through too much shit tonight."

"Oh, come on, of course you can sleep at my place for the night! My parents think I'm at your house right now, so I can just tell them that we both went over there early in the morning. They love you anyway, so it won't be a problem!"

He didn't move at all, still looking reluctant, "Are you sure it won't be... weird? I don't want to put you in an awkward situation cause of w- what I told you."

"Dude, that couch in my room has a hide-a-bed if you don't want to share mine. Either way, we're friends, aren't we? I trust you."

After a few moments of silence, he speaks up, "...I guess so-"

"Great, then it's settled!" I said, putting my arm around his shoulder as I led him back down the walkway.

---

Once we make it to my place, walk up the creaky wooden steps of my patio as I fish the house key out of my pocket. Tyler's standing closely behind me, looking awkward as ever, clearly not knowing what to do with his hands as he switches between putting them in his pockets and clasping them together.

I turn the key on the lock and try the door, noticing that It's completely pitch black inside the house. My parents usually go to bed at 10 PM, and it was well past that at this point. I lock the door behind us as I reach for my pocket, grabbing my phone and flipping it open to use as a barely-useful flashlight. I take Tyler's wrist as I lead him through the furniture of my living room and up the stairs. The only sounds in the house come from the soft ticking of a clock in the kitchen, the sound of which has always freaked me out whenever I'd come downstairs at three in the morning. Despite my best efforts to be as quiet as possible, the old wooden boards of the stairs prove my effort to be futile as they creak with every step. I can only hope that both of my parents have fallen asleep by now, or else they'd definitely have heard us. As I take Tyler down the hallway, walls strung with various family photos and art fit for a motel, I hear no sounds coming from the master bedroom, relaxing some of my tension.

Once we make it to my room, I breathe a sigh of relief as I turn on the overhead light, hoping my mom doesn't find out and try to lecture me in the morning, "Okay, hide-a-bed or mine, your choice!"

"Hide-a-bed." He replies.

"Sure thing, lemme show you how to set it up," I say as I remove each couch cushion one by one. The couch is sitting directly under my massive bedroom window, illuminated by the glow of the moon. Under the cushions is a black folded-up contraption, bearing a metal handle. I grab the handle and start pulling the bed out from the couch. As the first section of the bed comes out, Tyler stands next to me and helps unfold the second section, and finally the third.

I move over to open the closet door, "I have some spare pillows and blankets in here."

"So, why do you have a spare bed... thingy... in your room anyway?" He asked.

"My cousins' family came to visit from the other side of the country a few years back, so my parents made the cousins stay in my room and gave me our old couch that used to be in the living room. They were here for like two weeks, it was fucking awful," I remarked, pulling a comforter out of the closet and unfolding it out on the mattress.

"That sounds miserable," Tyler sympathized.

"It was, but hey, now I got a sick as fuck couch in my room! And it works as a great place for certain friends to sleep when they wanna spend the night," I said sarcastically, looking over at Tyler as I grabbed the pillows from the closet, tossing them to one end of the bed.

He turned his head, baffled, "Was that a dig on me?" He questioned.

"Depends on how you took it I suppose," I replied, smiling cunningly.

"You're the one who offered, dude- are you sure you didn't drink at the party? You've at least doubled your usual level of sarcasm." He retorted.

"Nope, unless somebody spiked my soda!" I joked, but the realisation slowly set in, "Oh shit- maybe someone spiked my soda?!?"

"Don't freak out, I seriously doubt someone would spike your drink,"

"God, I hope so, if my parents found out I went to that party, that'd be one thing, but if I got drunk? I doubt I'd see the outside world for months," I sighed.

"Even if you were drunk, it's not like you would still be drunk in the morning for them to find out, anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I said, letting out a yawn shortly thereafter. "Fuck, I didn't realise how tired I am." Looking at my alarm clock, it was 10:37 PM. That wasn't terribly late, I've definitely stayed up later when there was an assignment due the next day that I forgot about, but even before I met up with Alex and Elliot, that party was just wearing me down. "At least I can sleep in 'till like noon tomorrow. You sure you don't need anything before I pass out from exhaustion?"

"No, I'm okay, I think. And, thank you... Jake." He replied, smiling at me.

"No problem, dude!" I quietly exclaimed as I turned off the bedroom lights and hopped into bed. I can practically feel my muscles dissolve as I lean into the mattress, pulling the heavy blankets over me as I close my eyes.

I can't help but feel something itching in the back of my brain. I never did find out why Tyler was even crying back at the party. Was it related to what he told me after? He sounded pretty upset when he was talking to whoever it was in the hallway, too, so maybe that was why? We've already talked about so much shit tonight, though, and I definitely did not have the energy to have another huge conversation about something like that. It could definitely wait until tomorrow.

Soon, I feel my consciousness drift away, the only sound I can make out being the slow breathing of Tyler, across the room.

---

As I wake up, I'm blinded by the bright sun shining in through my windows, directly into my eyes. I glance over at my alarm clock, feeling incredibly groggy and sore, noticing that it's 11:13 AM. Usually, the latest I'd sleep in on weekends was only around ten, but I guess it took a lot of my energy yesterday to try to tune the party out. At least it's over.

I slowly sit up, yawning as I lean back against the bed frame. I glanced around the room, noticing that the hide-a-bed had been folded back into the couch, Tyler nowhere to be seen. I reach over to my bedside table to check my phone, finding an unread text from him, sent a few hours ago.

Tyler: hey

woke up early, figured youd want 2 sleep in.

will call u later, might have somthin big i wanna share, will see

A pair of oddly cryptic messages. Guess that confirms he isn't here anymore.

At least it was a Saturday, meaning that I had full permission to be a slob. I get out of bed, deciding to skip my usual shower until after breakfast. Other than the snacks that were out at the party, I ate practically nothing last night. I could almost feel my stomach turning itself inside out, so I hurried out of my room and downstairs to the kitchen to have some breakfast.

The first thing I notice when I get downstairs is my mom, sitting on the couch with a book. I head straight to the kitchen, trying not to make myself stand out.

"Jake! Finally woken up, I see." She remarked, still looking at her book.

"Hey, mom!" There's a moment of silence as I grab a bowl out of the cupboard, as well as a box of cereal, and begin to pour.

She speaks up, "Your friend, Tyler, seemed to be in a hurry to leave this morning, anything I should know about?"

"...Not that I know of? Like what?" I questioned as I poured some milk from the fridge, grabbed a spoon, and sat at the kitchen counter.

"Well, it's not like we didn't notice that you weren't home by ten like your father asked you to be, so obviously you must have a good excuse for why you didn't at least call to let us know you'd be late?" She replied. I could tell when she started talking all responsible-parent-like, it meant that she was gonna lecture me about something.

I sighed, thinking of the right thing to say. "...Well, Tyler was going through some things... so I was trying to help him with that, I guess. Time just kinda flew by and I wasn't able to get home 'till later."

"So he spent the night here? Weren't you at his house?" She asked as I ate a spoonful of cereal.

"Yeah... we went out for a bit and once I noticed how late it was I offered to let him spend the night at our house since it was closer," I said. Almost entirely a lie, but definitely preferable to the truth.

"Jake..." She said, setting her book down on the coffee table in front of the couch, walking over to me, and resting a hand on my shoulder. "You're sixteen now, obviously we don't expect you to tell us everything you're up to nowadays. But we worry about you! I worry about you. Just for future reference, please let us know if you're gonna be home late or anything like that."

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind," I said, looking up at her.

"Great! Now, I have to go meet a friend for lunch, please try not to burn the house down while I'm out!" She said as she grabbed her purse and keys off of the counter, hurring out the door.

"No promises, love you!" I said as she closed the door behind her.

Well, I guess that went... better than expected? I doubt she believed that story I made up, but I guess as long as I don't break curfew without telling them, I should be fine.

Having the house to myself wasn't totally uncommon. Considering my dad was gone during the day five days a week, and my mom would head out to go meet friends or run errands pretty often, I got some much needed alone time often enough to not go mad.

As I finish my bowl of cereal, I realise that I probably should go shower as soon as possible, considering the night I had. I put my bowl and spoon in the dishwasher and head back upstairs. I grab a towel from my room and head into the bathroom, grabbing my various fur care products out of the cabinet for after the shower. As I turn the shower on, I hear the sound of my ringtone going off in the pocket of my pants on the floor. I sigh annoyedly, walking over and trying to figure out which pocket my phone was in. When I flip open the phone, the Caller ID reads out Tyler's name.

"Tyler! What's up?" I ask eagerly, hoping to find out what the news he cryptically texted about was.

"Jake- fuck, I messed up, I shouldn't have- what am I gonna do?" He said anxiously, sounding almost out of breath.

"Hey! Slow down, what's wrong?" I questioned.

"I'm such a fucking idiot! Why did I think this would be a good idea? Jake, I'm so sorry-"

"Tyler! Calm. Down. Just take a few deep breaths," I said. After a few moments, I can hear his breathing steadying on the other side of the call. "Okay, good. Now, what's wrong?"

There's a short pause as he tries to find the right words to say. It sounds like he's been crying. What even the fuck has been the past twenty-four hours?

"Can- do you think I could crash at y- your place for a few more nights? I don't know what to do."

[heroes-never-discourse]

I'm sorry for asking this question cause I know it probably still pisses you off as you have just finished the game but I want to ask, you think your feelings would be a little different or at least not as bad had you played the game and this entire fanti discourse didn't exist? It feels like the ending is a shocker and obviously not fun but paired with irl discourse that sounds too much like it might make things feel a lot worse.

Oh, it probably definitely wouldve been less annoying. Itd still feel very "how dare you enjoy the games we chose to make" but at least the concept of "fiction can change the world" wouldnt feel as bad as the context of discourse makes it feel.

Itd still feel condescending though dhdjxjd "the killing game is wrong" yeah game no shit if this were real i wouldnt like it but its fake so its a fun story PLEASE stop acting like me enjoying this fake story means id enjoy it irl

This game Fiction Effects Reality!!!'d me and I'm still grumpy about it sjxbdjd

[crowsent]

Can you explain the color switch technique for theater more clearly? I'm going to audition for our high school play and I want a reliable way to act without having to relive my worst memories.

dunno when exactly you sent this anon, but i hope i havent responded too late.

SO. the colour switch technique. dunno if its an official name or whatever BUT its essentially used in theatre or really in any other scenario where you have to lie or assume an emotion that you’re not currently feeling. essentially, you have to play a role. but since you said youre auditioning for a play, we focusin on the theatre aspect of it.

the most common thing i see or hear people do when they need to play an emotion that they just aren’t feeling at that moment, is to think of a personal event in their lives that elicits that specific emotion. it WILL work, or at the very least, elicit a strong emotion that pushes you to make your scene more believable and more alive. now thats great if the memory or event is a happy one. thinking of the first time you ever held your baby sibling, or that time you had your first kiss, or that day your parents surprised you with a new car. genuine happiness, or the memory of genuine happiness can work wonders to make a scene look and feel organic.

but if the emotion is negative, its going to absolutely DECIMATE your mental health.

no matter how much you think that ‘its just for a scene’ or that it wont actually affect you when youre off the stage, using the “relive memory to recreate emotion” method can and will fuck your mental health sideways with a chainsaw. its BAD for you to constantly think of painful or sad memories. there’s rehearsals, the actual performance, and worse, memories of the play itself. associating the memory of a tragic accident or a bad fight to a scene of a play youre participating in IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

i did theatre back in highschool. my depression at that stage was also. uh. particularly bad. so the whole “relive traumatic memories to experience pain so you can act better” is TERRIBLE advise. dont listen to anyone who tells you to do it. it WILL negatively impact your mental health AND your memories of the play, and may even discourage you from participating in future plays yourself.

but you still need to find a way to channel those emotions.

in comes colour switch theory. or technique. whatever its called. my theatre directors were GODDESSES. they recommended this technique to EVERYONE and it WORKS.

the trick is to associate a particular colour with a particular emotion, or even facial expression. when you need to keep a stoic face, you picture the colour in your mind and chant it in your head over and over to not break character. when you need to be sad, just repeat the colour you chose for sadness over and over to get yourself in the mindset WITHOUT hurting your mental health. for me, some of the colours i chose were:

blue- sadness/loneliness

red- anger

black- nothingness

grey- fear

there are more, but lets focus on these four. blue is my favourite colour. but thinking of the colour blue it doesnt automatically make me sad, so i can still enjoy it when im off stage. to channel the emotion of sadness or loneliness that i tied with the colour blue, i think of sadness from inside out and her blue motif. i think of the blue colour commonly depicted for tears. i think of cold and i think of a single person all alone, curled up in a blue room, crying.

just talking about this made my body curl up when i was writing that paragraph. i am shaking, and i feel sad, but when i stopped thinking about that imagery, it stopped. because its not a painful or traumatic memory for me, i can just yeet the blue emotion imagery away from me when i dont want it. you cant do that with personal memories and thats what makes the colour switching strategy so good. you can act better but you dont have to hurt yourself to do it.

think of it as constructing a bubble in your head, or a room you go to when you need to feel something. for anger, i think of a red room. i think of that red emoji with the brows scrunched up and the teeth gnashed together. i think of being so angry you lose words. i think of being red-faced because you just cant control it. conveniently, anger from inside out is also red, so i can think of him too. i think of fire in my veins, hot and ready to explode with nowhere to go but loud, violent screaming. and as im writing this, i can picture myself on a stage just shouting at whoeever has done my character wrong.

same goes for black and grey. black is just when i need to keep a straight face. when i need to be stoic or unimpressed. and its just a black room. nothingness. i sometimes picture that black room in real life when i have to not laugh at something funny if the timing is inappropriate, or when i have to keep a strong facade when i want to cry. i picture that room of nothingness and my mind goes blank. and i can keep a stoic face. the grey room is fog and shadows just in the corner of my eye. its something closing in that i cant see because of all the grey swirling around me. i dont know if im alone. i dont know if i am safe because i can only see a foggy room.

all in all, mentally travelling to a room in your mind created for the express purpose of eliciting a specific emotion is better than just retraumatising yourself. and its really simple to create these rooms. you dont even have to use the same colours i did.

maybe you have more trouble with expressing lovey dovery emotions. you can make red your love room. think of red flowers on valentines day, the red heart decals you see on store windows, the red box of chocolate youd give to a lover. red is passion, red is life, and you can associate things like that with your red room if you want. its like a venn diagram. things you associate with red on the left, things you associate with the emotion on the right, and the things they have in common can be used to construct the imagery of the emotion colour switch room.

then you can just chant red red red in your mind and you think of the blush on the fair maidens cheek as her knight comes to rescue her. you can think of a scarlet dress dazzling everyone in the room, but the wearer only has eyes for one man. you can think of lipstick stain against a collar.

you can associate any emotion with any colour. my process was:

pick a colour

pick an emotion/facial expression

picture a small room in your mind

fill that room with things or imagery that match your emotion or expression

be as specific or as generic as you want

you can have a green room dedicated to irritation or envy or just the loose feeling that youre not completely happy. the reasoning can be just bc you thought of the phrase “green with envy” and thought itd be neat. green can be a mother experiencing the joy of holding her child for the first time because green=nature=nurturing=mother.

establish a connection with that colour. fill out your room and create the keyword to get in. im very unoriginal so my keyword was just chanting the colour name over and over in my head. if i say blue enough times i get sad, even if i dont picture the room bc my mind has formed a link to that state of being. and i can break away without much trouble bc the connection is just on the surface.

colour switch is hair chalk. reliving memories is hair dye. at the end of the day, both of them colour hair. but you can wipe off the hair chalk w relative ease but a thorough hair dye that produces vibrant colours cant easily be removed, even when you want to switch to a different colour, or maybe even lose the dye completely.

i would recommend picking an emotion or expression that youre not good at portraying, but dont struggle with as much for your first room. i am not good at expressing sadness, but im worst at expressing upset or anger. so when i first started my colour switch mindset room, i started with sadness. it helps me express an emotion that im not particularly good at expressing, while still being relatively easy for me to get the hang of. maybe try for the second or third worst emotion you express, build a room to channel that emotion, and establish your connection.

make it a well-tread path, essentially. first few times are gon be difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. all i need now to fake-cry is picturing the blue room, saying blue a bunch of times, and making a face. then i cry. completely fake and not damaging to my health.

i hope this makes sense for you. if it doesnt, feel free to send in an ask with more detailed questions abt the parts youre confused about or anything else. same goes for anyone who happens to read this that has an interest in theatre. id rather answer a dozen asks of the same question than have any of yall do something so harmful to your mental health. if anything was at all confusing, please feel free to tell me and ill gladly clarify some more. stay safe and take care of yourselves. and to the anon who asked, i hope your play goes well

[thatblogforenglishclass-blog]

Hermes

Blog#8

This is my dog hermes. He's a pure bread german shepherd and he's almost 10 years old. And yes he is named after the messenger god, but i think my dad just thought the name sounded cool.

He has a bit of an attitude problem, all this dog ever does is talk back to me. I swear when i tell him to stop barking he mocks me.

The story behind how I got my first pets is actually pretty funny to me. My parents had just gotten a divorce and were still very much in the petty phase that follows. My mom decided to get a cat since she knows that they trigger my dads asthma, and my dad decided to get a puppy because my mom hates dogs with a passion. They figured the animals would be somekind of statemwnt i guess. I still have both of these pets, and my moms house is strictly cats and my dads is just my dog Hermes.

Hermes is a doggy school drop out, he wasn't listening and never learnt how to be social with others. Even though he can't necessarily talk, you can tell when he's being sassy. He gets an attitude and ignores you if you come home smelling like someone else's pets. He'll throw a tantrum and bark if someone looks at him the wrong way, he's kinda crazy.

He's very much a part of our family, he eats dinner with us, he lives with us, he keeps us company. Its hard to imagine what itd be like without him, but i'm not in denial i know that time is coming sooner than later. I'd just prefer not to think about it. On a more morbid note my dads friend has a farm in mirabel where he raises huskies and australian shepherds, so its not like i won't have another dog after. Not that id ever be able to replace my dog though.

This dog has lived with me in LaSalle and Verdun with no problems. But when we moved to chateauguay, he starts going through some sort of rebellious phase. Maybe it was some sort of teenage rebellion i thought to myself, that's if dog years are even real anyways. But then i got to thinking, my dog should be a wise 70 year old in dog years by now, not a teenage delinquent.

I remember this one time i clipped him onto his leash and then when he made the usual run for it i tugged him back towards me. Well the leash is somehow in my hand and the dog is already halfway down the damn street. Now im chasing him into some dudes backyard at 2am because i didn't put his leash on the right loop. I'm faking him left and right like i was a basketball player or something. And its not like this is a one time thing either. This dog is an escape artist sometimes. Thank god my street is pretty peaceful.

My dog is turning 10 this year, he's actually only a year younger than my brother. He's getting old and grey but he still has the energy and strength of a puppy. I'd say i wish you could meet him and see why i love him so much, but he'd probably try to eat you, or maybe he'd like you more than he likes me. You never know with this one.

[tumblunni]

Help bunni decide a cosplay!

Sadly im probably gonna be missing the gaming con thats happening soon thanks to all the dentist stuff and sister stuff leaving me flat broke. But im gonna aim to go for the film amd comic con in march, even if its more of a marvel and dc thing with only occasional other stuff. But the nice shopkeeper i befriended at christmas will be there! Also if i go to one thats a little further away i have time to attempt to make a cosplay maybe? The only problem is that i still have no idea what to pick!

* Idea 1: Magma Admin Tabitha, because i look almost exactly like him and itd be less pressure worrying about my self being innacurate no matter how accurate the costume is. Negative side is that the costume is quite complex and would probably be really hot and heavy wearing two layers and then a binder underneath. Unless i can manage to make some sort of fake turtleneck jumper thats more breatheable?

* idea 2: team galactic grunt! Cos theyre my faves of faves! Also i already have the hair lol. Not sure exactly what material to make the uniform from though, whats affordable but still cpuld look like spacesuit stuff? Also id be worried about people making fun of me for being fat and cosplaying a thin character.

* idea 3: team skull grunt! Cos theyre my second favpurite team and there's at least one chubby grunt in the anime. However both a downside and an upside is that its sort of a "casual cosplay"? Would be very easy to make and i might feel guilty i took the easy option.

* idea 4: C H A R O N. Pluses: it my fave character in all of fiction forever. Minuses: its hard to dresd up as an accurate grandpa withput wearing complex makeup or a latex mask, both of which are really uncomfortable and look awful. Also embarassing to dress as an accurate grandpa, alas! Kinda embarassing even to dress as him without the gramp makeup and bald cap and stuff, cos anyone who knew who he was would know he was a grandpa. "Why do you like a grandpa?" says rational person number 258, and bunni dies of embarassment

* idea 5: pokemon gijinka? Plus is that i can make up the design so nobody can ever tell me i'm wrong and if i cant find the rigjt materials i can always improvise. Minus is that i have NO IDEA which pokemon to pick! So many good ones!!! And aaa i cant really do my gijinka rotom oc Gizmo cos i really don't think the whole design would work on me when im a different body shape, skintone, hairstyle etc.

Idea 6: gijinka of some other fave monster from another game?? Cos pokemon gijinkas are common but heartless gijinkas are less so. Also way less monsters to choose from! But less of a chance of being recognised unless i just pick the basic Shadow :/

Addendum idea: floaty pal? I was thinking i could possibly have my rotom plush on one of those nearly invisible strings and figurw out how to wire it down my sleeve so i could make it move. But thatd probably require a lot more smartness than i have!

So aaaa does anyone have any tips? Or any of these ideas sound good to you?

[audiovisualrecall]

Hrngle again with people deciding they know whats best for everyone. Maybe the idea of 'gender is fake' helps me as a nonbinary trans person?? If you claim that calling gender fake hurts and invalidates all trans people, youre invalidating nonbinary people, youre implying we're not really trans bc gender isnt reassuring?? Gender is fake like money is fake. Itd be more accurate to say its a social construct, though. How we define genders is made up, which doesnt mean theres no value in those definitions and distinctions for people. Of course there is. The point of saying it imo is to say nonbinary genders being 'made up' doesnt invalidate them, the labels are invented, yeah, but for a good reason. And its okay because ALL gender labels are made up including binary ones. So lets just say gender is a social construct and, like language in general, all labels including the 'default' ones are made up by people, which doesnt make them less real and experienced and right for people any more than being invented does for nonbinary genders qnd the people who id as such. Uh, to reword, ninbinary genders are as real as binary ones because both are invented definitions for an aspect of our experience. Theyre invented, but they are very real.

On another branch though, 'gender is fake' may also be more a reassurance for nonbinary people who have a hard time defining their gender within that umbrella, unsure which of the existing labels fits them, unsure how they really feel and afraid to make the 'wrong' choice when it comes to picking a label. If gender is a social construct, an invented concept, then its Okay to not know and not be sure, in fact you dont need to necessarily choose, you can use an umbrella term if you feel thats closer than anything else to your gender. 'Gender is fake' is a reassurance that it doesnt matter whether you change your mind later or use different labels or whatever you choose! Its a reassurance that your gender is personal, its yours, and that it doesnt have to matter so much you make yourself unhappy and socially dysphoric over it?

Its not saying gender is fake so cis and trans are invalid. It a reassurance for nonbinary trans people and a defense that calling nonbinary identities fake because theyre made up doesnt work because gender as a concept is made up!

[lueluepanue-blog]

"You're not perfect either."

This is what youd always try and point out to me almost every argument. This is what you tried to point out to me post breakup when I tried to get you to once see you were wrong. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. The thing is, is theres a difference between what I “Did” to you and you to me. Yes. I was messy. Yes, I could have cooked more often. And then there’s the “controling” card you try and throw out as well. Controlling even though I endlessly gave you what you wanted or id never hear the end of it. And even if it bothered me inside-such as having sleepovers with girls youve slept with, or whatever it was that was “controlling”- I gave you what it was that you wanted cause my feelings were always underneath yours. The thing is, is i didnt pinch or squeeze you as hard as I could if I heard something or you said something I didnt like in front of friends and even family. I didnt get drunk and when wed get home id be throwing up or lose the soul in my eyes black out and choke you- (More then one occasion.) I didnt complain about everything you do for me. Wether it was the clothes i bought you, the phone my grandmother bought you, trips Id planned, dinners I bought, where we lived (especially with my family, even though we were homeless), trying to cheer you up constantly cause you were always mad or bothered by something… you were never grateful, always had a negative comment, always a flaw with what was being done for you. Nothing was good enough. I didnt take my anger out on you day in and day out. If you were grumpy you made sure I was grumpy too. And I’d try and reverse the anger by making you smile over and over. But youd get meaner and meaner hurting me and my feelings. I didnt hurt your feelings constantly or shun you away from kisses and hugs. And when my feelings were hurt and you were clearly in the wrong itd take me a good 3 hours to go through why you owe me and apology and what you did wrong. And even still most times you saw nothing wrong with your behavior in which id finally break down with panic attack telling you that you continuously hurt me and that you needed to change only for you to finally say sorry after crushing me down to the point where sorry should have been said so long ago it didnt mean anything. You said sorry too late too many times. Sometimes if I were lucky you’d acknowledge you knew you had a problem and that you couldn’t help it but that you loved me and if I loved you id put up with it. Making me believe it was okay for someone who says they love someone to treat them like that and that i had to basically be okay with how i was treated. Remember I was told by you I couldn’t drive the car for two years. Yet bitched cause you had to drive me everywhere. Remember how we always listened to your music? And not mine? Cause if it were something I wanted to listen to, or watch on tv you acted rude and huffed and puffed because you wanted to listen to your music. I never was continuously late to pick you up from work. Or forgot you cause I was too drunk at the bar. (Happened one time, regardless, you were 2 and half hours late and drunk at the bar before you even realized I was done with work). You were a nice drunk. Except for when you were alone with me. I never said things to embarrass you or upset you in front of family and friends on purpose if i were mad. I never left you during our relationship and fucked an ex and you at the same time telling both i loved them. I never kissed your mom drunk, or made out with people at the bar drunk then make an excuse for it. I never blatantly hit on your mom in front of you. I never pushed you in front of your mother either. I never stopped giving you attention, or stopped wanting to play. I NEVER. It goes on and on. There’s a difference between things people should work on to improve their relationship and straight up mental and physical abuse. “You act like I beat you.”-your words. Okay so because you didnt kick the shit out of me its not abuse? Pinching? Slapping? Choking? Squeezing? “You act like I did it all the time”- your words. Okay so because it didnt happen everyday the damage it caused my heart and mind is irrelevant? And then there’s the emotional abuse. Putting me down about being bisexual. Questioning me to the point no matter what answer i gave it upset you even if it were the truth. Calling me a whore. (Even though you slept with more people) ….**makes alot of sense*** telling me im disgusting over my past or shame me. Telling me i need to stop eating cause I was getting “big”. Justifying hurting my feelings in any shape or form making me believe i was worthless. In what right mind does someone get to hurt someone’s feelings and then get mad at them for getting upset about it. Oh dear my love I could go on and on. Mentally id rather take 12 punches to the face than deal with the mental side of abuse. So, finally one day I gained courage to leave the woman im in love with. I told you itd happen eventually over and over. That id take everything and end it. And that would make you mad. Shame on me for giving countless opportunities to turn everything around grow old with me. Shame on me for trying and fighting for as long as I could and finally breaking from the pain. So I left. And instead of saying to yourself I could have my home and family back if I changed my behavior towards my fiance, you were mad cause I took it away. And even still, I offered to help you out. I said all we needed was some space and for you to get back on track and wed be fine. But no. I was still the monster. I was a “whore” for sleeping with people who at the time hadnt even been slept with. I hadnt even slept with anyone and you were sending nudes and sexting on day three or four. I was a bitch and a cunt for leaving you with “nothing.” Instead of fixing the problem, you pushed me farther away. You were drinking every night. Threatening your life and threatening to crash my car. Name calling. Doing everything opposite of what a person would do if they were to actually fix things. So I started taking away my help. Stopped talking to you as often cause I didn’t want to be put down any longer. Everytime I tried after breaking up youd lash out and be mean and then clam down and tell me youd fix it. Except I had heard it a million times over. Heaven forbid i wanted you to prove for once you meant it. Once I became silent waiting for you, you started the statuses. Degrading me. Making me seem crazy. Making it look like it was me all along. And i wanted to kill myself. How could one person put me through so much and then make the public believe I was the one in the wrong. Then I got the apologies after you knew deep down you were gonna kill me. Then I got the kisses when i saw you again. Then I got the care and love i wanted when i saw you. But it seemed fake. I was so used to you hurting me i didnt believe you when you briefly gave me love those couple of times. After I wanted to die i was so numb and stripped of myself i slept with others. I started to lose hope in us. I wanted attention. And love. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was. And i closed you out still hoping youd eventually come knocking on my door to lift me up and kiss me telling me it was all gonna be okay now. Hoping you would have fought for us. Fixed your mistakes. Hoping id be able to have my family back together and that you truly loved me. After sleeping with them you sort of tried still. New girl was already relevant in your life at this point too. I wasn’t concerned though. You were giving me somewhat of what i wanted with her there. Kisses. Misses. Got a job. I thought you were finally getting it. I was ready for you to come home. And then you cut me cold. Told me I could have had you. Told me it was because I slept with others even though you were loving on me after that. Even though you were sleeping around too. Told me I couldn’t have you and it was my fault. Told me you were moving on with her. Little did i know you were with her long before my knowledge and still giving me false hope. According to facts she was your girlfriend may 11th just wasnt publicly announced. It took you only from the last week of march to the second week of may to forget all about 2 years of family and someone who really loved you. 7 weeks to move on. Meanst the whole time bitched at me for “moving on and seeing others” when im the one who stayed single and faithful to our family and youre the one who moved on. The one who moved on when they were the one who caused the problem. How humiliating for me. How unloved and forgotten and betrayed I felt. I had faith in you and us even after all the pain i was caused and I got shit on. How disappointing, I thought our love was real. I thought instead of finding a new girl to love youd wipe the tears from the one whos done everything for you, your family, and fix the broken. How unimportant and small i felt. How worthless and not speacial you showed me I was. And then I wanted to die all over again. My whole belief in anything and everything was crumbled. I spent two years trying to make it work for us. Gave everything I had in me to fight for us. Meanst while getting fucked in the head and hurt repeatedly. And i wasn’t even worth one attempt. I begged for you to realize. Begged for us. Begged for you to realize I was suffocating and the pain was all so much dying would have been easier. Mentally after everything i was fucked up in the head. Who wouldn’t Be? That’s when you told me “I need professional help and that I was sick.” Dear God, but boy oh boy you never saw you were the one who caused it. You never saw you should have fixed it. All you saw was me breaking down and that it was “my fault” cause I could have had you. I was nothing to you anymore. My screams for you to come home were just annoying noise and I “wasn’t” your baby anymore so you let me burn. And you watched. “You weren’t there for me when i wanted to die”-your words. Heaven forbid i told you i want a break and for once let you live with what you did. Thinking youd take me seriously about our relationship. You never did. You let it slip away. “Why would you wanna be with me if it was that bad and we always fought.”-your words. The answer is simple. I love you. I love all the good and the bad. I love the way you were when you weren’t treating me horribly. I even love your mental illness. However, I don’t love abuse. Mental or physical. I always told you I don’t want to change who you are, I want you to change how you treat me. And that was too hard for you. You didnt want to. And then I realized after all this you hadn’t fixed anything. You quit your job. You blamed me for us not being together. You got a new girl. And you ran away from your problems. All along the only reason I wanted you back was for the sake of I was seeing some improvements. And boy was I wrong after being shit on. Now i don’t know if you ever truly loved me or are capable of love. If you can do it to me- someone who loved you truly so much and did everything for you who you say you love- then youll do it to anybody, anyone. You see, I know you so well, I was the one person who saw your flaws knew to put you in your place, continued to try for us regardless, and at the end of the day still loved you and knew deep down you were better than it, and had faith in you even still. How sad to have let me get to this point. To push me aside. To disregard everything ive done, and spend the rest of life without me. And yet id still let you come back and always will. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE OR LOVE JUST BECAUSE IT’S TOUGH. And maybe youll never realize, and maybe you will. And if you do, youll know what you have to do to truly make it right. And if you dont, that is a damn shame for you. And for myself.

Tonight I put these words visibly and clearly for my love. For myself. For us. For family.

I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. I miss you with every cell in my body. I see you in everything and everywhere I go.

However, I am strong. Please know its okay to be wrong