#instead im just being a miserable bummer to be around

[lemoneychicken]

trying so hard t stay put together

[fruitcoops]

OMG IM SORRY BUT CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WRITE FINN AND CAP PLATONIC CUDDLES I WOULD ACTUALLY DIE!!!

Give Finn Cap cuddles 2k21. Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

Finn sighed for the third time in five minutes. “Harzy, are you okay?” Sirius asked.

“Fine.”

“D’accord.”

Two minutes later, there was a soft ping and Finn sighed again.

“Dude.”

“Hmmm?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” Finn said defensively, keeping his eyes trained on his phone. Thirty seconds passed; as soon as he heard the telltale deep inhale, Sirius’ patience ran out.

“Oh, my fucking god. Give me your phone.”

“What? No!”

“Then tell me what’s wrong! If you sigh one more time I’m going to hit you with a pillow.” Sirius turned his phone off and faced Finn, who was curled on the other end of the couch. When he didn’t respond, Sirius stretched out his leg and kicked him lightly. “Hey.”

Finn mumbled something unintelligible.

“Pardon?”

“I miss them,” he said miserably.

Sirius closed his eyes. “You’ve been sighing like a Victorian maiden for the past ten minutes because your boys went to a concert without you? You don’t even like country music.”

“I hate it with every fiber of my being,” Finn agreed, though his pout didn’t falter. “I just miss them. They keep sending me videos and they look so good.”

“Do you want some food? Maybe a hug? You look like a kicked puppy right now.”

Finn’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You want to give me a hug?”

“If it’ll make you feel better.”

“I thought you have a ‘no cuddling’ rule,” he said suspiciously.

Sirius laughed. “I was kidding, though you might have to fight Loops for dibs.”

His whole face lit up. “I get Cap cuddles?”

“Come on, Harzy.” Sirius opened his arms and Finn launched himself into them, snuggling up against his chest with a happy hum. “Move your leg, you’re going to break—there you go.” He rested his chin on his head and closed his eyes.

“This is the best,” Finn murmured after a minute as he tucked his hands under Sirius’ back. “Loops is going to catch these hands if he thinks he can stop me from getting my Cap cuddles.”

“Please don’t punch my fiancé.”

“Hmm, no promises.” Finn’s whole body relaxed as Sirius began rubbing small circles between his shoulder blades. “Can I marry you instead?”

“Do you actually want to marry me?”

“I want to marry these cuddles.”

“You have two boyfriends, I don’t think you’re short on cuddles.”

“They’re not Cap cuddles, though. You’re very tall.”

“I’m the same height as Leo.”

“Leo likes spooning best, so this is different. I feel so safe, what the fuck?” Finn tightened his hold. “Your chest gets all rumbly when you talk.”

“Oh?”

“Mhmm. Can I fall asleep on you?”

“Uh, sure,” Sirius laughed.

“Stop laughing, I’m going to get a crick in my neck!”

“Désolee.” He slowed his breathing and tried to control his amusement; a few minutes later, Finn’s arm slid off the couch. “Finn?” A soft snore answered and he smiled to himself, leaning back against the armrest. A short nap couldn’t hurt.

-------------------------------

Logan knocked on the door to Sirius’ house as Leo stomped his feet in the cold to warm up. The door swung open and Remus immediately put his finger to his lips in a shh motion, beckoning them inside. “Is everything okay?” Leo whispered as he toed his shoes off.

Remus nodded and led them into the living room. Logan pressed his hands over his mouth to contain a laugh—Sirius was splayed on the couch with Finn on top of him, both fast asleep. “They’ve been like this for three hours,” Remus said gleefully under his breath. “Finn’s drooling on him.”

“No.” Logan gasped, creeping around the corner to get a better look. Finn was completely wrapped around Sirius in a koala hug.

“I didn’t know Cap snores,” Leo snickered.

Remus huffed a laugh. “You have no idea.”

“Did you take pictures?” Logan asked as they followed Remus into the hall. “Please tell me you did.”

“I got so many pictures. I’m framing one for Sirius’ birthday next month.”

“You’re my hero.”

“Should we wake them up?” Leo checked his phone for the time. “It’s pretty late. They’re so cute, though.”

“Yeah, probably,” Remus sighed, padding back into the living room with the others on his heels. He leaned over the armrest and smoothed Sirius’ hair back. “Honey. Honey, you have to wake up.”

“Takin’ a nap,” Sirius muttered drowsily.

“It’s one thirty in the morning.”

His face scrunched up and he cracked one eye open, smiling when he saw Remus. “Hey, you.”

“Good morning, sunshine.”

Sirius tried to sit up, only to freeze when he realized he couldn’t move. “What the f—”

“No,” Finn whined, cuddling closer.

Remus stepped around the couch, unable to conceal his grin. “Harzy, time to get up.”

“I called dibs.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I’ll fight you for dibs.”

“Okay, buddy, you do that.” Remus picked up his arm and dropped it back on the couch. “Your boys are back.”

That seemed to do the trick. Finn struggled to sit up, bracing his arms against Sirius’ chest and planting his knee in his thigh on accident. “Sorry, sorry. My boys?”

“Morning, Fish,” Logan laughed as Sirius groaned. “Sleep well?”

“So well, you have no idea. Come here.” He grabbed Logan and Leo by the wrists with clumsy hands and practically dragged them down to the couch. “Cap cuddles are amazing.”

“Did you—did you drool on me?” Sirius shoved all three of them away and sat up, squinting down at his shirt. “Your cuddle privileges are révoqué.”

“You’re revocayed!” Both Logan and Sirius smacked him on the back of the head. Even Leo looked pained. “Hey!”

“Come on, mon rouge, let’s go.” Logan hauled him to his feet and kissed him on the cheek; he was still all sleep-warm and cozy. Leo gave him hugged him from behind and Finn melted into it.

“See, you don’t even need me,” Sirius scoffed as he stood up and stretched.

“I dunno, Cap cuddles are pretty great.”

“I know, right?” Remus said smugly, wrapping Sirius’ arms around his waist. “It’s a bummer you don’t have dibs.”

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in.” Finn leaned up for a kiss. “Did you two have fun?”

“Lots of fun. Lots of banjos,” Leo teased, squeezing his sides. “Let’s go home and we’ll tell you all about it, yeah?”

Interest sparked in Finn’s eye. “Yes. Yes, absolutely, let’s go.”

“Alright, keep it in your pants, you horndogs,” Sirius grumbled as he shooed them out of the living room.

“You can’t even wait twenty minutes?” Remus shook his head in mock-disapproval as they put their shoes on again.

Logan shot him a look. “Like you’re one to talk.” Remus raised an eyebrow at him. “Désolee.”

“Yeah, you better be.”

Sirius held the door open as they headed down the front steps. “Drive safe, there are only idiots on the road this late.”

Leo stopped, frowning. “We’re about to be on the road.”

“I know. See you tomorrow!” The door closed before any of them could fire back with a scathing retort, and Logan flipped him off through the front window.

“So, you managed to get some elusive Cap cuddles,” Leo said as Finn slung his arms over their shoulders. “How was it?”

“A religious experience,” Finn said dreamily. “He’s so tall. It was incredible.”

“Tall? We’re the same height!”

[bangchanshehe]

Bodyguard Lee Pt. 2

You met a kind stranger wandering the streets of Athens who was willing to go out of his way to help you. But across the globe weeks later you cross paths with him again. Could having this many unexpected meetings be a happy coincidence or an ill-fated destiny?

word count:2k

Three days later you were back in Seoul and unpacking your luggage. It had been the most exhausting and chaotic week of your life and you were happy that you were finally able to at least get back to your normal routines. And while things weren’t going to slow down for you any time soon you at least had more of a sense of normalcy.

You smiled to yourself as you unpacked all of your trinkets and threw your used clothes into the laundry. But most of all you were excited to see your mom and share with her the necklace that you had found for her while you were out looking for souvenirs. You thought back on that night and smiled to yourself.

The man that had helped you in Greece gave you such a good impression of the city that was so miserable for you so far. As the two of you drove past historical buildings and prominent locations he explained their significance. And any place that you wanted to go to he took you there with a smile on his face. by the end of the night you felt like the two of you had been friends who had met each other for the first time in a while as opposed to the strangers that you were. The two of you talked amongst yourselves and you found out that he was a Korean national who was working in Greece. Most importantly there was no pressure to act a certain way in front of him because of who you were, everything was completely natural instead. If it wasn’t for his assistance you would have gone back to your hotel empty handed and upset that you weren’t able to find anything to bring back. And In the end you weren’t able to get his last name to give him a proper thank you or even find him on social media but you would always remember his first name. Taemin.

“shit” you screeched out as the sound of your ringtone startled you out of your fond memories.

You pulled out your phone and took a deep breath before you answered the call from your manager. You couldn’t go a single hour without someone from your company trying to contact you about something. you had just gotten dropped off outside of your apartment less than 30 minutes ago, and you were happy that you were able to be in your own space once more. But now you were back to being the busy entertainer once more.

“hello?” you asked bitterly, not even bothering to conceal the disappointment and frustration in your voice.

“y/n, tomorrow morning the company wants to recruit some new security team members to travel with us while you go on tour. I’ve sent you their resumes so take a look and let me know who your top three are. They want to hire the new members as soon as possible so they can start their training.” Your manager quickly barked out before she hung up on you.

You pulled the phone away from your face and double checked that she really hung up on you, and the moment you confirmed you scoffed. What the hell… you thought to yourself. I guess she needs the time off as much as I do too.

You quickly opened up your email and looked at the recently received message and scowled. You had never hired someone before and you didn’t know what to look for in a resume to make an educated decision on who to hire. And you honestly didn’t care who would end up being on your security team as long as they would protect you and were professional.

You clicked on the message and opened the attachments to see ten resumes in total. You let out a sigh and meticulously went through each persons accomplishments and previous employment. Each one of them had a lot of strong accomplishments and experience that would make them valuable members. And you were completely at a loss as to who to choose until you looked at the last resume. He was last employed by the Korean ambassador who was stationed in Greece, he had lost of merits and rewards and he seemed to be very professional.

You grinned to yourself and mentally congratulated the man for being in the running. You scrolled up to see his name and information and your eyes almost jumped out of your head when you saw his application headshot.

“Taemin?” you asked out loud in complete disbelief.

The chances of this happening was slim to none. No, it was less than that. It was almost impossible.

But if his resume didn’t already speak for itself his helpfulness and courtesy of helping you in Greece did. You didn’t really care who the other two members would be, but you knew for a fact that you wanted Taemin as one of your members. It was the last thing that you could do for him since you weren’t ever able to properly thank him.

You immediately emailed your manager back that you didn’t care who the other two were but you absolutely wanted Taemin on your team, and then shut down your laptop. You were excited to see Taemin once more and congratulate him on getting the job. You imagined how shocked he would be to see you once more but this time as a prominent entertainer.

The next morning you got up with a smile. It felt good to sleep a normal amount of time and in your own bed again. You took your time enjoying your morning coffee and you relaxed as you got ready. You had opted to wear something more casual and comfortable for the day since you had worn such heavy and extreme clothes during your shoot.

when your manager had finally arrived at your apartment she gave you a call and you quickly grabbed your belongings and met her in your van.

“good morning” she said chipperly

“morning” you replied back

“today your schedule is a little tight” your manager said with a sorry tone “this morning we have a photoshoot for promotions, then you have a vocal and choreography training session. After a short lunch break you have an interview and then in the evening you have a meeting with the producers and event coordinators.”

You leaned forward towards your managers seat “will we have time to see the candidates for the security team?” you asked her hopeful that you would be able to greet Taemin on the team personally

Your manager hummed and looked at the clock “im not too sure what time their final interview is but with your schedule today its pretty unlikely.” She said

You sat back in your seat and let out a small sigh. It was too bad that you wouldn’t be able to see Taemin, but this was your life. Constantly missing out on the things that you want to do.

The time was currently 7pm and you were staring at the sunset as your day finally came to an end. You were waiting for your manager to pull your car around in the garage when you had made eye contact with someone who you didn’t expect to see.

“y/n-ssi” one of the directors called out to you.

You had immediately turned to him with a professional smile and bowed in greeting but inside you were dying. You had hoped that he was going to simply pass by you but instead he had stopped right next to you.

“I wanted to introduce you to the newest members of your security team.” He said holding a hand out towards the three men that were behind him.

Your eyes immediately widened and your attention was heightened. You didn’t think that seeing taemin would be possible today but you were gladly proven wrong.

“this is Seonghwa, Minho, and Kai” the director stated their names

As soon as you saw the faces of each of the new members your smile immediately turned into a frown. You had looked at each of the men and then up to the company director. Sure you had seen each of the men’s resumes and they were highly qualified, but if you had met any of them on the side of the road and asked for help you were sure that none of them could give you the same treatment as Taemin gave you in Greece.

“director, may I speak to you for a minute?” you asked him and he gave you a gesture to walk a distance away to speak. Once the two of you were a few yards away from the gentlemen you whispered your questions. “what happened to Taemin-ssi?” you asked “I really liked his resume and thought that he would be really good for the job.”

The director gave you a smile before he answered “we did too. His resume and previous employment was quite impressive. However, he wasn’t interested in a job that required leaving the country. He is interested in more of a regular full-time job in Korea.” He answered

You lowered your head and let out a small sigh. Although you were hopeful to run into him again it was understandable that he would want to stay in Korea since he had been in Greece for a while. And you couldn’t blame him for that. He probably also had a family in Korea that he missed dearly.

“I understand” you said to the director

The two of you shared a mutual look of agreement before you approached the new men once more.

“congratulations on joining the team.” You said to the men giving them a smile “ill be off now. have a good night”

The men politely bowed and responded with goodnight and get home safely. You had bowed back politely and then retreated to the parking garage where your manager would pick you up.

You hadn’t received a message from your manager yet that she had arrived but you wanted to get out of the building as quickly as possible. Your hopes of having taemin joining your team was a bummer, but you were more upset that you wouldn’t see him again more than anything.

It had felt like for the first time in a long time you were able to make a friend who wasn’t under any sort of impression or had expectations based on what your career was. And maybe you were reading too much into that night in Greece, but you really did feel like Taemin had become a friend. Or maybe it was just your brain creating a scenario out of nothing since you needed companionship so badly.

You had felt a tap on your shoulder and you had turned around without looking at the person. You were looking down at your feet when you had asked “can we stop at the convenience store before you drop me off at home?”

“sure. What do you need?” you heard a man’s voice asking back

You had immediately snapped your head up when you heard the voice that was so unfamiliar to you. You looked up at the mans face and was unable to recognize him past his black hat and mask that hid his facial features.

“im sorry, you must have the wrong person.” You said quietly and hid your face hoping that you could simply back away from the situation and wait inside for your manager.

“no, ive got the right person” he man said and his eyes crinkled in a smile

You looked him up and down and red flags went off and alarm bells rang in your head. The man pulled out a box cutter just far enough out of his jacket pocket for you to see as he pushed the blade out all the way.

“quietly, I want you to get into the car.” The man said in a scattered and panicked voice

You put your hands up and you began to take small shaky steps towards his car door. As you got closer the man circled around so he was no approaching you instead of you stepping towards him. When you opened the car door and sat down inside he began barking commands at you.

“put the ankle cuffs and handcuffs on.”

You nodded your head and you began to place the cuffs around your feet. But as tears sprung to your eyes and your hands began to shake you weren’t able to put on the cuffs as quickly as the man wanted you to.

“faster!” the man yelled and you began to sob

You tried to calm yourself down as you blinked away your tears and tried to focus. But the fear that swept through your body only made things worse.

How had no one seen you on the security cameras and come to help. What was taking your manager so long that she wasn’t here already. And why was this happening to you?

You had finally snapped the handcuffs on when you had heard a loud crunch and a body had hit the pavement next to you outside of the car. You looked down at the man who was now lying still and let out a loud sob when you saw the mans mask. When you realized that the danger was finally gone you looked up to who had saved you, and you completely lost control of your emotions.

Of all people who you had hoped would help you never did you imagine that it would be Taemin to your rescue.

[anyu-blue]

~

I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

[this-brownie]

04.03.20

not feeling super inspired right now to talk about anything so ill talk about my past birthdays. when I was younger, the apartment I used to live in was filled with not only Bengalis but children that were mine and my brothers’ age. we always had people to play with whether that was going to the park, going to each others houses, or simply playing on our block or backyard. we also always celebrated our birthdays together— I remember the first time I had my very first Big Mac was during my 9th birthday. in middle school, the birthdays got a little more sophisticated because we would go out to Thai restaurants instead of mcdonalds. in 8th grade, my family moved to a new house, a block away from the old apartment. the next year we all started attending different high schools and I don't rmmbr much, my feelings from the day at all except that we called it early that night and my mom and I slept on the living room sofa, lights off and everything. two of my neighbors came over to my house expecting that we were gonna go out to eat— i opened the door to see them dressed up and all they saw were me in my pjs, house dark and their faces fell. one of them said ‘we always do something for your birthday, we thought we were going to do something this year’ and I said no..not this year and kind of awkwardly sent them on their way. side note, I didnt really have social skills because I was extremely shy and super uncomfortable about being confrontational. 

the next few years in highschool my birthdays were okay—I had more School friends to celebrate with and we always went out to eat. but I never had the money or enough friends to have a huge bash like the way I always fantasized. I rmmbr in 10th grade, a few of my friends pitched in to buy me balloons and delivered them to me before first period— I had to carry them around all day and I felt embarrassed but also incredibly special and happy. I eventually became close with Fariha and we spent the next two birthdays together, always Thai food--Jen joined me for one of those outings— Fariha always took care of my bill but I realized I never extended the same courtesy to her. 

a certain pattern started developing over the years— my mom started picking fights with me and would always have me feelings miserable on the day of or very near my birthday. In 12th grade, we had a massive fight that I wasn't expecting her to remember it was my birthday or do anything about it. but near the end of the night she designed the living room with tea lights and bought me cake and dressed me up in a beautiful sari. looking back, its fucking manipulative to put me in a bad mood on a special day, and then expect those feelings to be wiped just because im presented with gifts. yes I was *eventually* showered with love but at the cost of feeling gaslighted and having to hide my negative emotions because they were considered disrespectful. my next birthday, I turned 18 but I can't rmmbr it at all. for my 19th, I was living in Toronto but I had visited Levi in Boston and for the first time ever I spent an entire week with him. I had recently gotten a credit card so I decided to buy myself expensive lingerie. that was a lot of fun.

my 20th birthday was one of the worst because I remember it had been a few months since I moved back from Toronto and my mom was especially untrusting. she completely disregarded that it was my birthday so that was a very lovely day. I remember I was working at magnolia that day but I can't rmmbr why I didnt go out with my friends…I don't rmmbr but it was a shitty day.

for my 21st, I had already been living in Boston for a little less than a year and Levi insisted I go out with my friends since I always stay in with him, I went out with two girls from the restaurant I used to work at, and another girl who I used t work at bebe with. regina (bebe) and I arrived earl/on time and decided to grab something to eat while we waited for the other two girls. we went to a Chinese hotpot place and it was a lot of fun trying something new to eat. the other two girls came and we went to a hookah place which was kind of ratchet but I remember my mindset at the time was to not plan everything out so meticulously because nothing goes to plan. however, I was TOO flowy because I was underdressed (it was fucking freezing that day) and the wait line for the hookah place without a reservation was ridiculous. I also didnt like the fact that the girls didnt dress up to the 9s like the way I did. they also didnt drink the vodka I snuck in so that was another bummer. the last annoying thing was that regina had to leave early because she used to Dorm, and the campus closed at a certain hour. even though I had more fun than usual, it wasn't the huge birthday bash one expects for their 21st.

the next year, 2015 at this point, I had moved back to New York but I can't rmmbr what I did that year. the next birthday was one of my favorites. I had finally planned out and executed an amazing girls night out. the day started off with me picking up a delicious tiramisu cake from a local bakery and heading over to nadiyas house in Astoria where Jenifer and Syndee also joined. we pregamed while getting ready. the dress code was black only— I had gotten an amazing sheer black maxi dress imprinted with gold stars from urban outfitters. all my girls looked amazing that night. we did our makeup and curled hair and even just getting ready was such fun. nadiya also put out snacks for us which was super cute. our first stop of the night was dinner at “beauty and Essex” where we had tapas like: tomato soup with a block of fried cheese in it; bone marrow with grilled bread, mini tuna tartare tacos, and shots of soup. the place was fucking fancy— they served us champagne in the ladies room, so extra haha. I knew the bill would be expensive so I covered a good portion of it which I didnt mind because I wanted to have FUN without being hindered at all. it was also a good amount of food where we were satisfied, but not too full that we felt bloated or couldn't continue drinking. we took an uber to the next stop to a placed called “beauty bar” which was a nail salon mixed with a club, that also served drinks. we each got ourselves a manicure and a drink. we danced for a little bit but didnt love the music so headed over to our last stop of the night, a nightclub called Cielo. this is where I made a mistake — I got us there a little after 11 and had to pay a $30 fee. if we had gotten there before 11pm, it would have been half the price. I remember sneaking a bottle of wine in, by squeezing it between my thighs, but it ended up being such a waste because we didnt have a bottle opener to even open it with. I ended up leaving it in the bathroom.  second thing wasn't really a mistake but it took points off from the overall day— the thing about nyc clubs is that there is SO many that they have to be different to stand out, meaning they don't play popular music or top 40. they will play what they think is cool. when you're drunk its fine, but if you're sober (like jen was), its less enjoyable. however because I was super drunk, I did enjoy dancing even tho I didnt act totally ratchet. maybe it worked out haha. I also met a very charming and handsome man that night. apparently he checked me out the minute he looked at me (according to Jen) and came up to me and…I can't rmmbr now what he asked but he offered to buy me a drink and I jokingly said back “haha I think my friends are going to be jealous if I drink without them” and then he actually bought me nadiya and Syndee drinks. I didnt expect that— afterwards we all split up and the girls danced with other people. I danced with this guy, whose name I don't even remember, but he was tall, genuine, and very charming. I met his friends and we went out for a smoke and I remember enjoying his company. I remember telling him I had a boyfriend and he will still ver pleasant and sweet, which I appreciated. afterwards us 4 girls and he, his friend and girlfriend all squished into this tiny car to grab pizza. it started raining heavy at that point and I was super drunk - on our way back to nadiyas place, we ended up having a sleepover that night, I dropped my phone into the water and it went blank. I felt horrible after because I never got the chance to thank him for the night— in his mind, I just became another girl that used him for drinks and then took flight. theres no way to change that unfortunately.

the issue with me is that I really want to execute the way I envision things, and when they don't turn out like that I become very unhappy. I started fantasizing, and still do sometimes, about having a perfect girls group thats made up of pretty girls of different ethnicities. for my next birthday I invited Syndee (Thai but can pass for Latina), Lilian (chinese), and a coworker of mine who I had never hung out with before (Mexican, but extremely pale- looks exotic white) to have a birthday brunch. this was the first time hanging out with Lilian after maybe 7-8 years so it was a bit of a reunion. we went out for drinks to a speakeasy after which was really cool too. even though the group of us looked beautiful in photos, the aesthetics of the restaurant was lovely, the food itself was amazing, and the drinks were strong-- the dynamic between all of us wasn't flowing 100%. I wanted so badly for things to look good that I didnt realize the coworker would feel out of place amongst the rest of us who had known each other for a while. so, while the day was nice and nothing bad had happened, it still didnt feel extremely memorable. thats the last time I hung out with that coworker, and the last time I tried to force things together to make them fit.

the next year I was pretty down about and around my birthday— this was the first birthday after being married. I remember Levi asking me what I wanted to do and what gift I wanted. im not super materialistic anymore so I don't like receiving gifts. we did go out to Indochine for dinner which was nice but not as great as it was the previous time we had gone. instead, we went out to see Jim Jeffereys in Madison sq garden. it was okay— he made a joke about taking a shit which lasted 15 minutes. it was annoying. also Levi got mad at me because I went out to get a drink and missed an entire segment. wooh. I am weird because I want people to show me a lot of love— it doesn't have to constant, or grand gestures but I like when its thoughtful. I hate having to ask for attention or affection, it makes it less special if I receive it after that. even though Jen is my best friend, I have celebrated most of my birthdays without her. she's usually unable to come see me during the school term. this year she was at med school and wasn't able to make it because she was busy studying. she's missed out on a lot of them and it hurts because not only is she my best friend and should do things to make me special, but that I always go out of my way for her to make her feel amazing on her day (I will make a separate post for HER  birthdays). I am relatively low key about my birthday too, ever since 10th grade it hasn't been on facebook profile. I don't tell people about it, if they ask for the date I try to evade their questions. I know its strange, but its because I don't like revealing personal info, or things that are meaningful to me, and have others disregard or forget them. most of my friends didnt remember to wish me but I don't hold it against them because I don't make their birthdays special. I only do that with Jen, so I only expect it from her. however, fimo did make me feel special. we went out to eat at a Sri Lankan restaurant and then got ice cream after from a different place. she printed me a cute celebratory card with a picture of me on it and got a beautiful vase (I told her not to get me anything tho!). she gave me black and white triangular shaped earrings and said, I noticed you like geometrical shapes so I thought you would like these (I did like them a lot). she also did something very sweet and unique- she cut out scraps of paper and wrote little compliments and inside jokes we shared on the. that was my favorite because it showed that there are little moments of me that she remembers, and that she has taken time to think of me and what would make me happy. 

out of all my birthdays, the last one where I turned 26 has been my favorite. im not always moody and a downer! this was one of the first birthdays that I actually DID get to spend with Jen. I become very moody around my birthday- in the past because my mom would pick fights with me..these days because I prefer to isolate myself rather than be happy, or optimistic, and then be disappointed. I would want someone to do for me what I do for them. is that selfish of me? maybe. which is why I like to keep my expectations extremely low. Jen had recently broken up with her boyfriend of a long time and she was actually available to come see me, without being hindered or guilted into spending a part of the weekend with him. she asked what I wanted to do and if I wanted anything for my birthday. I feel embarrassed and shy about being given gifts so I always say no to that— I like to have special experiences instead. I gave her an ambivalent answer, showing my hesitation and hinting that ill be working and ill be pretty busy that weekend. the reason I do this is because 1. im manipulative and 2. I'm an asshole. id rather exaggerate to her and make it seem like *IM* the one whose busy and can't make time for her, rather than have her say yes and hope that she's coming and be let down if she can't make it (which has happened in the past before). I also am…apparently unsatisfied by how people show me love. im a scorpio… meaning I am excessive, intense, and “relentless” (according to levi). when I do something, I do it big and I try my best to make it perfect. when people are very lax, like the way Jen is, about certain things it conveys to me that they are not as serious about me. its not necessarily true but thats how I feel. so I tell her im busy, to test her and see whether she will still come to see me for my birthday even tho it may be inconvenient for her. I was wishy washy, but I wasn't completely adamant about her not coming so she decided to ignore my hesitance and come anyway. good decision.

several days before my mom hinted that she would throw a surprise party for me— she tried to be clever about it, in her defense, but when she asked me for fimos number I knew something was up. I played along— I found it very endearing that my mom would do something like this for me. this was part of the reason I decided Jen should come anyway, it would be more fun with her there after all. she came Friday night and we had dinner and talked for a little bit before heading to bed. I had work the next morning; after I came come we both got ready to go to my moms place. she made it seem like we were going to a wedding so I had to get there, get dressed and then we would all head out together. I knew it was gonna be a party so I tried to get Levi to come but he didn't think it was appropriate. once we got there and opened the curtains, I was greeted loudly with “HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY!!!” it was my two brothers, a couple of my little brothers friends, fimo and her bf, my aunt, and my cousin and his parents. it was very sweet, I was honestly touched to see a room of happy faces all leathered around because of me. my mom was elated, it was so fucking cute. she spent all day cooking a ton of food— making all my favorites ofc— and got this delicious cake adorned with a picture of me. the room was designed with HBD banners and streamers, confetti balloons, and pretty fairy lights. my brothers even got a disco light that displayed different colored lights all over the walls, and champagne candles (the ones that shoot out that pretend fire until they die out). I felt so fucking loved— I feel happy right now thinking back to that night. 

the next morning I had planned to go to the spa with just Levi but Jenifer wanted to join us. I didnt want to at first because I wanted to spend some alone time, but thankfully it ended up being a great time. Levi rented a car and we drove to this luxe spa in New Jersey. it was three floors filled with different temperature jacuzzis, pools, saunas, and steam rooms. the pool on the rooftop was an infinity pool, filled with a ton of instagrammers, but the view was stunning and we caught a delightful sunset. Jenifer being there added a lot to my pleasure and peace— I got to take as many photos as I wanted without being judged and I had fun running around to all the different areas instead of being told to sit quiet. I really do love that girl, but any actions of me being distant or cold are a result of being let down so many times, intentional or not, that I always expect only the worst now. however, her being there that weekend solidified our bond greatly and I appreciated that. we got pizza afterwards which was tasty but not so great. we drove back home and Levi let us off at st marks so that Jen and I could spend the last hour before she had to leave back to Philly. she spontaneously told me she wanted to get a belly piercing, and if I was down. we had gotten one together a long time ago but it fell out and we didnt have it re pierced. I didnt care either way so I went for it. now we have matching bffl belly rings all over again. nice end to a great weekend.

a few days later I met fimo for brunch at an Italian place in Brooklyn, that happened to be near the movie theaters where we planned on going after. brunch was whatever but she got me a fucking $100 Chanel perfume even though I demanded that she not get me anything. the perfume smells heavenly, and I only wear it on special occasions now. but it was too expensive, and I really didnt want that from her. later, we watched ‘Parasite’ at this theatre called Nitehawk Cinema which allows you to eat and drink right while you're watching the movie. we munched on popcorn and drank wine and felt like badasses. Parasite was absolutely amazing and thrilling- a Korean horror/thriller about a family that trick, and uses, a richer family into employing them. the name of the movie makes it seem like THEY are the parasites, but the crazy plot twist is that the rich family’s former employees were doing the same thing. but worse. they were secretly living/hiding out in the rich family basement/bunker. shit gets crazy when current employees find the ex employees. we both really enjoyed the movie, and didnt expect to like it as much as we did. it got nominated for several awards, so we were not the only ones who thought so.

the last person I saw for my birthday was Syndee but it wasn't really a bday hangout. I recently had a falling out with Ivan (more on that on a different post), and had reached out to all my closest friends. Sydnee and I see each other once every couple months so it was time. we got Detroit style pizza at this famous place near my work/home. the food was pretty good and it was nice to catch up with her. I let her know that I would be less busy in the future and that maybe we should start calling each other so that the stretches in person wouldn't feel as long. she agreed, and it was interesting as were catching up that for the first time I had only good news to share and she had not so good news. I told her that I had gotten a new job where I was planning to get promoted, had very recently gotten my green card, and that my mom was finally coming to terms with my marriage. I talked about my birthday, and she casually got the date for my birthday wrong (she was off by two days)— so I guess it really has been a while since we've been thorough with each other. she lamented about having to move out soon from her apt because she and her bf (who pays most of the rent) might be splitting up. she also said she wasn't doing as well at her new job as she had hoped. It was unfortunate that she was going through a tough time but I told her that she wasn't completely helpless, and that she still had options. its difficult for me to hear about people going through a tough time because I want to be able to change that, even if im not always in the position to do so. we did end on a good note and she seemed happy about seeing me which was nice. I am happy and grateful for the friends and the freedom I have. they don't always show me affection in the way I want but they do show it how they can, which I acknowledge and cherish.