amandastarg

[amandastarg]

Anxiety may look funny; it isn't.

I've had my job for 3 years. I've worked in this building for 2. At the same desk for 2. Today I go down for lunch like I do everyday but today I use the first floor bathroom. I exit and go to my desk. Except Im on the first floor so when I go onto the floor, there is a new set of desks. I tell myself I must not have walked by this morning. And I turn the corner for my desk. Everything is different. My desk isn't there. I can't find my things. I look toward the stairwell and it's not there. A normal person would probably guess you got turned around or are on the wrong floor. But I didn't. And 99.9% of the time it's no big deal. I get lost and move on. I didn't. I stare at the wall considering if they could build a wall there in an hour. People give looks as I stare at the wall. Eventually I snap back and walk around the wall realizing I am on the first floor but for a minute its a horror movie - you turn around and nothing is where you feel you just saw it. A long minute feeling an idiot for it. And today I don't handle it well. I won't calm down for the rest of the day now. My husband makes jokes and no one understands how hard it is sometimes.

[amandastarg]

That conversation: I want to help you. Tell me how to help.

My husband and I just had one of those conversations anyone with mental health or physical health problems has had. I try to explain what's wrong. How it feels. I try so hard but to someone who doesn't know, it's hard. Impossible lately. I don't wish this on me and I don't wish dealing with this on anyone else. But maybe that's how I feel talking. I feel like its a great summary of my parents situation which is what I grew up fighting so hard to avoid. Husband says: just relax, i can clean and cook. And I remember my dad dealing with my mom's depression and doing everything around the house and with the kids. I wrote a post the last time I had a bad episode about how i finally understood her. A great feeling. A terrible feeling. I dont want to be her. And denying it makes me more like her - hiding from the truth. Should i see a doctor and get meds, yes. Should she have, yes. But were both in denial. I remember my mother when she was about 40. I am 25. I wonder if in 15 years will I be there. The mother wondering off from her children to play video games letting her partner do everything. Has she fought it too long. Has she accepted and found answers I don't have? In that moment playing farmville she is happy and in control. But does she, like me, carry this guilt for things undone? Guilt in her marriage? With her kids? It doesnt seem like it. But i don't seem like it either. I remember my mom always avoiding doctors. I do that too. Was it the cost of visits like i thought or truths she didn't want to face? For me it's always both. His Words: You may be broken, but I love you. My answer: I am not broken. Things are broken. There are no answers and whatever it had passes. But it's not fixed. When I was 21 I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason, couldnt sleep, sick to my stomach. I went to the bathroom and there my body went weak and I lay on the floor there until the feelings -like a heart attack and nausea and I couldn't breathe -passed. Mental illness shows up in your twenties. It runs in families. And I was staring at it dead in the eye that day. Like today. My husband makes fun that I wake up from nightmares about his death and being on my own and cant sleep. I lay there and walk myself through things to comfort me. I listen to him snore knowing hes alive. He says its crazy. It survival and sanity to me. Necessary and all you can do sometimes...

[amandastarg]

C:

[amandastarg]

Thanks to wolf711 for this suggestion. They also gave me another which I look forward to lettering at a later date.

The quote is from Doctor Who! Yay!

I tried mixing a TARDIS blue with my blue and black inks, turned out grey though.

All brush lettering.

13.12.14

[amandastarg]

We’re going to recapture my creatures before they get hurt. They’re currently in alien terrain surrounded by millions of the most vicious creatures on the planet; humans.

[amandastarg]

little details in fantastic beasts that i gasped/screamed at/loved:

at his macusa hearing they say newt’s older brother was a war hero

which gives me a totally different perspective on newt’s childhood and life

he’s the carefree, daring, wild younger brother who can’t fit in, living under the shadow of his amazing brother like how must that have affected his development as a person

(btw newt was friends with leta because they were both outsiders which makes my heart hurt)

“worrying means you suffer twice” A PLUS NEWT A PLUS

also newt just like casually handing jacob heavy duty protection and tossing him into the fray

grindelwald snarling at newt in the interrogation room, wondering how albus dumbledore could possibly find this young unassuming man so amazing, so likable, so defendable 

(also i’m like 150% sure newt scamander was rubeus hagrid’s personal hero)

the necklace graves gives credence is the deathly hallows symbol aka gellert grindelwald’s claimed sign

i saw that lil flash and s c r e a m e d 

also i find percival graves and porpentina goldstein’s relationship so interesting

like they must have worked together as aurors

percival looks the sorriest when the president orders tina out of headquarters

and he comes downstairs straightaway to see her after that incident in the dusty macusa basement

and tina looks so betrayed when he shackles her alongside newt and jacob

what must their relationship have been like? mentor and mentee? close friends? colleagues? just something that’s been on my mind

WHEN TALKING TO HIS BEASTS NEWT CALLS HIMSELF THEIR MOTHER

aka “mother’s here” like can he be any more precious ?????

“wilds of arizona”. just…like i never thought i would hear that phrase ever lol

newt being dragged away in chains, desperately begging macusa not to harm his creatures, that they’re not dangerous, that they’re not dangerous, please don’t hurt them

queenie calling jacob honey

teasing her sister for being the careerwoman and tina looking embarrassed but proud

queenie casually strolling through macusa with the intent of busting her friends and sister outta there

trying loads of unlocking spells until jacob (bless his muggle soul) just kicks the damn door down

tina seeing her mother in the pool 

thinking about her relationship with her mother and how much she must have missed her parents, especially since they died at such an early age

newt begging tina to trust him, that he’ll catch her, and her visible hesitation

she must have had such a difficult life but is still so capable of love and affection and trust #porpentinagoldsteinisabamf

also that spell the goldstein sisters do to change their clothes like i need that

also newt’s small concession to fashion when he changes his fun bowtie into something a tad more formal

newt casually asking jacob how people trust him so quickly

that passing remark that people generally find newt annoying, like it’s so matter-of-fact, made me :’(

the tears in newt’s eyes when he’s saying farewell to jacob

jacob’s unabashed delight at seeing all these magical creatures and hearkening back to his wild days on the expedition teams in wwi

also can we take a moment to realize that jacob is a veteran and he’s probably seen so much grief and heartbreak and death and he is still so upbeat and helpful and purely genuinely excited at seeing new amazing things

and all he wants to do is open a bakery and make people happy like :’)

“but they made us cocoa!”

jacob and queenie bonding over their grandfathers’ birds and mutual love of cooking

that little spring in tina’s step after newt asks if he can come back in person

not to mention newt’s lil pause on the gangway and that brief moment when he stands, contemplating, and then hurries away

NEWT’S PUFF SCARF

jacob’s hand reflexively reaching for his murtlap bite as queenie smiles at him

that deja vu moment when newt bumps into jacob and leaves him the silver occamy shells

remembering and trying to help his friend fulfill his lifelong dream

every single second of newt’s erumpent mating dance

pickett blowing a raspberry after newt’s stern little talk about sulking

JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT MOVIE IS SO PRECIOUS DAMMIT

if you have more fun lil tidbits you caught, please add!! i’d love to see what you guys saw too :) 

[amandastarg]

Leenik Geelo for day 3 of Inktober!! I love this Rodian so much omg.

[amandastarg]

All of the Campaign/Evil Campaign logos so far in phone background form! I know for sure that they’ll work with the iPhone 6 since those are the dimensions I used.  If you want one of these in a different size please let me know!

[amandastarg]

Black and white ? Or is it digital inking ? I have no clue.

Weiss is still my trash bae anyway.

[amandastarg]

Ⅳ by ASK (@asukaziye1)

[amandastarg]

Weiss Schnee Season 1 Volume 4

[amandastarg]

Seasons After Fall

System: PC, Consoles

Status: Released

Release: 2nd September 2016 for PC / Release Date for Consoles = TBA

Developer: Swing Swing Submarine

Publisher: Focus Home Interactive

Website: seasonsafterfall.com / Steam

Video: Trailer

Description: “Seasons After Fall is a 2D platform-puzzler game that will let you dive into a captivating universe and explore a land governed by magic and nature. As a wild fox you are sent on a perilous journey aided only by your ability to change the seasons at will, manipulating a gorgeous 2D world backed by an enchanting live string quartet.”

[amandastarg]

Quick and lazy but it has been a horrible, stressful week and I just really wanted to draw dumb space mom again.

[amandastarg]

                                 [DON’T FORGET 3.OCT.11]

[amandastarg]

“And if there’s a reason I’m still alive When everyone who loves me has died I’m willing to wait for it.” 

– “Wait For It,” Hamilton 

[amandastarg]

“You can’t have a character with big boobs and not sexualise them”

“There aren’t any feminist female characters that want to do things that are typically feminine”

“There aren’t any badass gay characters”

“There aren’t any cool/badass disabled characters”

“Okay well what about disabled POC characters?”

“There are no interesting or complex villains! None that ever question their morals, or have an interesting motive”

“There aren’t any women characters that don’t just do things for men”

“I want a poc character that fights against racism”

“There aren’t any cool characters that aren’t young and healthy”

“There are no male characters that like feminine things”

Need I go on? Go watch Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood.

[amandastarg]